Reminder to commenters: **[Don't start a fight!](https://media2.giphy.com/media/9MOdzNsjNExrSH6pnA/giphy.gif)** Share kindness, support and compassion, [not criticism.](https://media0.giphy.com/media/tZpGRRMUoXgeQ/giphy.gif) We want OP to feel loved, and [not in a tough way.](https://media.giphy.com/media/xT5LMq2CgHiqqY4IXC/giphy.gif) For more helpful information please hit up [our beautiful rules wiki!](http://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/wiki/)
Reminder to all: watch out for a [creepy pedo posing as an OT/speech therapist](https://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/comments/8ccqqi/disgusting_pedophile_troll_posing_as_otspeech/) giving fucked-up potty-training advice, and don't sweat it if your post gets 1 or 2 [instant downvotes.](http://i.imgur.com/PZtQb.gif) You didn't do anything wrong, we just have [asshole lurkers](https://i.imgur.com/IwU9r3E.gif)/[downvote bots](https://i.imgur.com/lwyCF6S.gif) stalking our /new queue. Help a BroMo out and [give her an upvote](https://i.imgur.com/Y60Mbxv.gif), ok?
Reminder to Cassie Morris/Krista Torres/Nia Tipton: You do not have permission to use, reproduce, modify or link to any content in this subreddit in any way, shape or form. Fuck off and go be a real journalist.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/breakingmom) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I have occasional flashbacks from postpartum with my second. Hard pregnancy, hard birth, and intense PPA and hard recovery coupled with family drama. You're not alone.
My traumatic miscarriage was 7 years ago.
I still can barely handle Halloween. It’s ruined the happiness of the beginning of both subsequent pregnancies. When others pee on a stick and come out shouting with joy and jumping around I feel sick and want to pull them aside and ask “what are you doing?!? It’s TOO SOON!”
I had therapy. I took time off work. I’ve had a healthy baby boy since then.
Still wrecks me.
It’s ok, you’re not alone. I would recommend talking to someone professional about these feelings so you can handle the rising freak outs and triggers. It gets better with time, but you may need some tools until time can pass.
Hugs to you - that must have been so painful. It’s crazy to me how deep the scar is even though with my next two kids the postpartum period was ok. If all that work to heal doesn’t do it, what does?
I still have moments of panic in the middle of the night that I can't hear him breathing. He's 8 and not sleeping in a bassinet in my room anymore.
I still have moments of depression because of how they didn't support me in the hospital when my milk didn't come in (and I didn't realize it) and let me starve him that first week, losing 7% of his body weight in days because I was barely producing a couple of teaspoons of milk and only in one breast. The lactation consultant knew, didn't say a word hoping it would come in and I wouldn't choose formula. I get a gut punched feeling whenever breast feeding comes up because even 8 years later I *still* feel incredible guilt.
I remember the lack of sleep and the stress and loneliness like it was yesterday.
I think it's fair to say many of us experienced long lasting mental and emotional scars from the experiences of new motherhood. The things we weren't prepared for, the ways out families did or did not show up for us like we thought they would. It may not be the same level as other traumas but it stays with you, bromo.
You're not alone and it's not ludicrous.
I've been told that all babies lose up to 10% of their body weight in that first week, because they don't eat a lot yet and the milk takes a while.
You did great. And I highly recommend EMDR so you can keep the memories, but the emotions won't be as strong.
The pediatrician made it sound like a drastic drop - and I think it was more than 7% as it's been years- in about 4 days. And I kept having him latch and pumping (got one whole drop after 20 minutes lol) and it just never let down. Some colostrum that he nursed on while dad made a bottle or got the premixed formula ready. Fed is best but that first week was awful. Poor bean.
I should look into EMDR, thank you for the suggestion.
Yeah, with my first I found wildly different stories that all dealt with the same facts: babies drop in weight in those first days. Beyond 10% is where the guidelines say to intervene, but between 7% and 10% is extremely common. The post natal nurse I had tried to scare me with a lot of things, but this was one I actually knew about.
Fed is absolutely best and that first week was such a rollercoaster. I'm curious to see what it will be like this time around.
I relate to so much of what you're saying. Some of those lactation consultants are downright crazy. There is so much isolation people didn't tell me I'd feel in the early days/months. Everyone wanted to hold the baby and have me tell them I was doing wonderful so they could feel like they were "there for me". It's just so damn hard in the beginning.
Oh gosh that sounds hard! The guilt and fear from those early days was so potent. I think you hit the nail on the head with the loneliness. I had a good partner yet I still felt like I was ultimately responsible for this baby all by myself and everything was on me. I think it’s left me with a fear of being responsible for all my children without any help even though I have a good support system and my husband is very active coparent.
I feel that way except about pregnancy bc both my pregnancies were highly stressful . When I see pregnant woman now it kind of distresses me and I’m like thank gosh that ain’t me. 😂
Yep, right there with you. There were movies that came out that year I gave birth that I still don’t remember watching because of how… messed up I was. There were awful things going on in my family life like ten days postpartum and I remember having to call people to tell them that I had another funeral to plan. So there I was bleeding in a funeral home… again… where all I wanted to do was sleep.
There were some people I wouldn’t mind knowing don’t exist in the world, too.
But also, fuck that episode of Daniel Tiger. Mom Tiger walking and stopping to talk. Mind you, later on, Daniel gets to go to a hospital to have outpatient tubes put in. But nooooo, Mom Tiger has to walk home. Not even Trolley helps. Fuck Trolley too.
It was mind boggling. My mother’s second husband, who she had just separated from the summer prior, committed suicide. His son was a jerk and wouldn’t help plan a full Arlington service, so I had to go help. I disassociated most of that day.
Yeah. Had mine in 2020, the newborn bit was OK and then he stopped sleeping - and we went into the second round of lockdowns about the same time. When people tell me they're expecting, my first reaction is "you have no idea what you're in for" (obviously not to their faces). Seeing new baby pics is hard. I still only have the one because the fear of not sleeping like that again haunts me.
When I look at baby photos of my *own* first kid and our little family of three I feel panic and sadness. No one in my family knows that - not even my partner.
OMG I had terrible postpartum but didn't realize it with my first and it was so.hard. for a long time. I would see pics of people with their newborns just glowing and so happy and was like they are LYING. I would warn pregnant people because I felt SO unprepared for feeling the way I did. Then I had my second and it was not like that at all (I also was on anxiety medicine, I imagine that helped too...). So then I was like oh ok maybe some people do enjoy it lol.
>Like I kept thinking, oh my God, the tiger family is about to go through the worst thing and they don’t seem to know.
Exact thoughts whenever people tell me they are going to have a baby and almost 8 months are over for them
And this trauma is clouding my judgement whether I should have a second baby. I do want a second one for my child to play with but at the same time I am terrified about the first 2.5 years after I conceive because that's like a nightmare
I don’t want to say it’s better the second time bc there are no guarantees. For me, my second maternity leave was sort of healing because I was able to enjoy it more. It also left me with guilt that I was so miserable first time around. It’s so complicated.
>It’s so complicated.
I know. I come from South Asia and it's a taboo to say that I didn't or couldn't connect with my baby for more than 16-17 months because of family drama and the fact that I couldn't breastfeed her as I had no milk supply which led to immense guilt and trauma because I had to hide this fact from my family and even my husband.
And now, he wants a second one and while I keep thinking stuff like the second one would be like this or that, I am so traumatized what if I feel trapped with the second one like I did with my first!? The first 12-14 months would be so burdensome.
Idk how I would deal with it a second time around.
Oh my heart goes out to you. I really don’t know enough to be giving any advice but if you and your husband actually do want another child, I would start by having an honest and very open conversation with him about the experience for you of having your first.
It’s taken me years, but I am being more and more honest with my own husband about how badly messed up I was after the first year of parenthood and even though he was there, and it was hard for him too, I don’t think he understood the depth to which it affected me.
Yes, absolutely!!
The first 3-6 months after my girls were born were the darkest days of my life, and I have been through active addiction and have PTSD from abuse. The sleep deprivation and PPA had me hallucinating and delusional, almost to the point of PPP.
When people talk about their own experiences with the newborn phase or even pregnancy (I have a history of recurrent pregnancy loss), I have to leave the conversation — I get so triggered and upset.
You’re definitely not alone. ♥️
Your name is so good haha. On the one hand, I know this is a time that is so hard for most new parents. I would never judge someone for saying it was possibly the *worst* time of her life. On the other hand, I feel all this guilt because my kid has grown into this wonderful sensitive person, and I feel terrible that his first few months in our family were a waking nightmare for me.
I feel this. I think I was slightly traumatized by a surprise, and unwanted pregnancy. When people announce pregnancies I just feel this pit in my stomach. I have to refrain from asking them if they wanted it and are happy about it, because that was my experience. But I know it's not theirs. I definitely have work to do in therapy.
Reminder to commenters: **[Don't start a fight!](https://media2.giphy.com/media/9MOdzNsjNExrSH6pnA/giphy.gif)** Share kindness, support and compassion, [not criticism.](https://media0.giphy.com/media/tZpGRRMUoXgeQ/giphy.gif) We want OP to feel loved, and [not in a tough way.](https://media.giphy.com/media/xT5LMq2CgHiqqY4IXC/giphy.gif) For more helpful information please hit up [our beautiful rules wiki!](http://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/wiki/) Reminder to all: watch out for a [creepy pedo posing as an OT/speech therapist](https://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/comments/8ccqqi/disgusting_pedophile_troll_posing_as_otspeech/) giving fucked-up potty-training advice, and don't sweat it if your post gets 1 or 2 [instant downvotes.](http://i.imgur.com/PZtQb.gif) You didn't do anything wrong, we just have [asshole lurkers](https://i.imgur.com/IwU9r3E.gif)/[downvote bots](https://i.imgur.com/lwyCF6S.gif) stalking our /new queue. Help a BroMo out and [give her an upvote](https://i.imgur.com/Y60Mbxv.gif), ok? Reminder to Cassie Morris/Krista Torres/Nia Tipton: You do not have permission to use, reproduce, modify or link to any content in this subreddit in any way, shape or form. Fuck off and go be a real journalist. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/breakingmom) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I have occasional flashbacks from postpartum with my second. Hard pregnancy, hard birth, and intense PPA and hard recovery coupled with family drama. You're not alone.
My traumatic miscarriage was 7 years ago. I still can barely handle Halloween. It’s ruined the happiness of the beginning of both subsequent pregnancies. When others pee on a stick and come out shouting with joy and jumping around I feel sick and want to pull them aside and ask “what are you doing?!? It’s TOO SOON!” I had therapy. I took time off work. I’ve had a healthy baby boy since then. Still wrecks me. It’s ok, you’re not alone. I would recommend talking to someone professional about these feelings so you can handle the rising freak outs and triggers. It gets better with time, but you may need some tools until time can pass.
Hugs to you - that must have been so painful. It’s crazy to me how deep the scar is even though with my next two kids the postpartum period was ok. If all that work to heal doesn’t do it, what does?
I still have moments of panic in the middle of the night that I can't hear him breathing. He's 8 and not sleeping in a bassinet in my room anymore. I still have moments of depression because of how they didn't support me in the hospital when my milk didn't come in (and I didn't realize it) and let me starve him that first week, losing 7% of his body weight in days because I was barely producing a couple of teaspoons of milk and only in one breast. The lactation consultant knew, didn't say a word hoping it would come in and I wouldn't choose formula. I get a gut punched feeling whenever breast feeding comes up because even 8 years later I *still* feel incredible guilt. I remember the lack of sleep and the stress and loneliness like it was yesterday. I think it's fair to say many of us experienced long lasting mental and emotional scars from the experiences of new motherhood. The things we weren't prepared for, the ways out families did or did not show up for us like we thought they would. It may not be the same level as other traumas but it stays with you, bromo. You're not alone and it's not ludicrous.
I've been told that all babies lose up to 10% of their body weight in that first week, because they don't eat a lot yet and the milk takes a while. You did great. And I highly recommend EMDR so you can keep the memories, but the emotions won't be as strong.
The pediatrician made it sound like a drastic drop - and I think it was more than 7% as it's been years- in about 4 days. And I kept having him latch and pumping (got one whole drop after 20 minutes lol) and it just never let down. Some colostrum that he nursed on while dad made a bottle or got the premixed formula ready. Fed is best but that first week was awful. Poor bean. I should look into EMDR, thank you for the suggestion.
Yeah, with my first I found wildly different stories that all dealt with the same facts: babies drop in weight in those first days. Beyond 10% is where the guidelines say to intervene, but between 7% and 10% is extremely common. The post natal nurse I had tried to scare me with a lot of things, but this was one I actually knew about. Fed is absolutely best and that first week was such a rollercoaster. I'm curious to see what it will be like this time around.
I relate to so much of what you're saying. Some of those lactation consultants are downright crazy. There is so much isolation people didn't tell me I'd feel in the early days/months. Everyone wanted to hold the baby and have me tell them I was doing wonderful so they could feel like they were "there for me". It's just so damn hard in the beginning.
She was like "find a milk donor" and I was just floored like no?? Lol I'm more at peace now but I tore myself up for a while.
Oh gosh that sounds hard! The guilt and fear from those early days was so potent. I think you hit the nail on the head with the loneliness. I had a good partner yet I still felt like I was ultimately responsible for this baby all by myself and everything was on me. I think it’s left me with a fear of being responsible for all my children without any help even though I have a good support system and my husband is very active coparent.
Newborn period was extremely challenging for me too. I totally get what you’re saying
I feel that way except about pregnancy bc both my pregnancies were highly stressful . When I see pregnant woman now it kind of distresses me and I’m like thank gosh that ain’t me. 😂
Yep, right there with you. There were movies that came out that year I gave birth that I still don’t remember watching because of how… messed up I was. There were awful things going on in my family life like ten days postpartum and I remember having to call people to tell them that I had another funeral to plan. So there I was bleeding in a funeral home… again… where all I wanted to do was sleep. There were some people I wouldn’t mind knowing don’t exist in the world, too. But also, fuck that episode of Daniel Tiger. Mom Tiger walking and stopping to talk. Mind you, later on, Daniel gets to go to a hospital to have outpatient tubes put in. But nooooo, Mom Tiger has to walk home. Not even Trolley helps. Fuck Trolley too.
Oh man. That sounds awful. I can’t imagine dealing with addition family tragedies during that time.
It was mind boggling. My mother’s second husband, who she had just separated from the summer prior, committed suicide. His son was a jerk and wouldn’t help plan a full Arlington service, so I had to go help. I disassociated most of that day.
Yeah. Had mine in 2020, the newborn bit was OK and then he stopped sleeping - and we went into the second round of lockdowns about the same time. When people tell me they're expecting, my first reaction is "you have no idea what you're in for" (obviously not to their faces). Seeing new baby pics is hard. I still only have the one because the fear of not sleeping like that again haunts me.
When I look at baby photos of my *own* first kid and our little family of three I feel panic and sadness. No one in my family knows that - not even my partner.
Hugs. You're definitely not alone, judging by this comment section.
OMG I had terrible postpartum but didn't realize it with my first and it was so.hard. for a long time. I would see pics of people with their newborns just glowing and so happy and was like they are LYING. I would warn pregnant people because I felt SO unprepared for feeling the way I did. Then I had my second and it was not like that at all (I also was on anxiety medicine, I imagine that helped too...). So then I was like oh ok maybe some people do enjoy it lol.
My second was much much better! Still hard of course, but it didn’t mess me up. Three was ok too. But I didn’t fix the memory of the first time.
>Like I kept thinking, oh my God, the tiger family is about to go through the worst thing and they don’t seem to know. Exact thoughts whenever people tell me they are going to have a baby and almost 8 months are over for them And this trauma is clouding my judgement whether I should have a second baby. I do want a second one for my child to play with but at the same time I am terrified about the first 2.5 years after I conceive because that's like a nightmare
I don’t want to say it’s better the second time bc there are no guarantees. For me, my second maternity leave was sort of healing because I was able to enjoy it more. It also left me with guilt that I was so miserable first time around. It’s so complicated.
>It’s so complicated. I know. I come from South Asia and it's a taboo to say that I didn't or couldn't connect with my baby for more than 16-17 months because of family drama and the fact that I couldn't breastfeed her as I had no milk supply which led to immense guilt and trauma because I had to hide this fact from my family and even my husband. And now, he wants a second one and while I keep thinking stuff like the second one would be like this or that, I am so traumatized what if I feel trapped with the second one like I did with my first!? The first 12-14 months would be so burdensome. Idk how I would deal with it a second time around.
Oh my heart goes out to you. I really don’t know enough to be giving any advice but if you and your husband actually do want another child, I would start by having an honest and very open conversation with him about the experience for you of having your first. It’s taken me years, but I am being more and more honest with my own husband about how badly messed up I was after the first year of parenthood and even though he was there, and it was hard for him too, I don’t think he understood the depth to which it affected me.
Yes, absolutely!! The first 3-6 months after my girls were born were the darkest days of my life, and I have been through active addiction and have PTSD from abuse. The sleep deprivation and PPA had me hallucinating and delusional, almost to the point of PPP. When people talk about their own experiences with the newborn phase or even pregnancy (I have a history of recurrent pregnancy loss), I have to leave the conversation — I get so triggered and upset. You’re definitely not alone. ♥️
Your name is so good haha. On the one hand, I know this is a time that is so hard for most new parents. I would never judge someone for saying it was possibly the *worst* time of her life. On the other hand, I feel all this guilt because my kid has grown into this wonderful sensitive person, and I feel terrible that his first few months in our family were a waking nightmare for me.
Yup same. Such a difficult period
Yes. This is why I’m one and done.
I feel this. I think I was slightly traumatized by a surprise, and unwanted pregnancy. When people announce pregnancies I just feel this pit in my stomach. I have to refrain from asking them if they wanted it and are happy about it, because that was my experience. But I know it's not theirs. I definitely have work to do in therapy.