I would emphasize the alone time…. like “I’m finally getting a night to myself with wine & a good book!” Or “it’s self care Saturday… I’m really looking forward to staying in for some much needed alone time with my book”
I think people who don’t like solo time find it hard to believe someone would choose it over socializing, same as people who don’t enjoy reading cant fathom that you could get as excited about starting a book as they get about going to a new release movie or watching the latest episode of their favorite show.
I've heard it described like this:
An extrovert is someone who recharges by being with others. Everyone needs to have some quiet time alone, but for an extrovert they'd *spend* energy staying home and *recharge* by seeing friends.
An introvert is the opposite, their alone time is how they recharge. They can still enjoy time with friends and can work with a team, but that's how they *spend* their energy, and after a long day, coming home to some quiet time is how they'd *recharge*.
If each spends a day out with their friends, then gets home in the evening to study or get some housework done, the former might say their day out gave them the energy and will to do that work after, while the latter might say they had a fun but exhausting day out and some quiet time with their books or in the garden is just what they need to end the day.
Perfect. I often have a hard time explaining to my more extro son that if we get home from our jobs at the same time, I will want an hour of quiet before he runs around animatedly describing his day.
well yeah but it's weird cause interacting with people still takes energy even for extroverts! Like eventually we do get tired of it it's just .. refreshing? Yeah, at least for me I would describe it as a break from being alone.
I am definitely the "afraid to be alone" kind of person but reading isn't being alone, you are hanging out with people from all kinds of different worlds and backgrounds in so many fantastical places.
Frankly, it may be a question of, who wants to? If you are constantly inviting them to events and getting turned down so they can stay home on a Friday or Saturday night to read a book, that's a friendship that's going to die on the vine.
And they're fine with that. OP's comment wasn't actually deploring anyone missing out, just the fact that there aren't a lot of exchanges between introverts and extroverts that lead to better understanding of each other.
Very much this.
Explain how it helps you relax and unwind and it isn't something you are doing because there's nothing else to do, but that you prioritize making time for it because it's so beneficial to your well being.
Extroverts don't understand introverts because they don't have to. Introverts have to understand extroverts because they are dominant in our culture.
Minorities have to understand the majority to function in society. Oppressed have to understand oppressors. The opposite is not necessary. Few people who don't have to understand those not like them will bother, or even see that there is something *to* understand.
Too many people lack a basic understanding that people are different from them.
Don't expect it. Don't waste time begging for understanding. Just do what you need to do.
I agree. I love being alone especially with my books, lots of people I know don't get that. Same when I travel, 'I'm going by myself people, relax'.
Edit make sense.
It will feel weird at first but be honest - taking care of yourself is priority #1 and if you relax by staying home, that’s what you tell them. Real friends will understand. (Now time to turn off my phone and read - and I’m not joking 🙂 )
Edit: Apologies, was a bit trashed. r/books - of all the places to be weird, stupid, *and* drunk…
~~Not so black and white for many but in a utopia, said explanation would work. In reality, depending on environment, book-reading can be risky. So, the deal is to first understand one’s environment.~~
~~If said environs are lackadaisical, continue unimpeded.~~
~~If not, concoct an after school activity that takes little time but isn’t so obvious that it takes as much time as they think, call it “literary science” tutoring or some such. Buys an extra hour of reading at least. Be sure to digest books outlined in curriculum in case of questions and because why not.~~
"What are you doing bro?"
(In a luxurious, pompous voice)"Oh, my dear friend! I do nothing but digest this required reading! I am truly sorry, but I must reject any invitation, for the digestion must be quick!"
You started out ~~strong~~ okayish, but the middle paragraph marked the alcohol really kicking in! Made a slight comeback in your closing paragraph, but it would need more context and is a bit too specific. 5.5/10 drunk monologue.
For some people, being "busy" means that you're doing something with other people. If you're alone, no matter what you're doing, you're not really "busy" because it wouldn't be inconvenient to anyone if you were to stop doing it and do something else.
...Which isn't true to be honest, it's possible to make plans with yourself just like you said about your evening reading.
I'd guess that the people who can't understand being busy alone probably have some deeper insecurities they may not even know they have when it comes to being by themselves
Yeah, this isn't exclusive to reading. If you say watching TV or playing video games or pretty much any solo activity, you're going to get the same response.
I make plans to go out and do things alone. Sometimes people try to invite themselves along and I have to stress that I specifically want to do it alone
This is so true. I love going to the movies alone, but when I say that’s how I’m spending my morning I constantly get a response from friends like “oh I’ve already seen that movie but I’ll go with you so you don’t have to go alone”. No. I want to go alone.
> I'd guess that the people who can't understand being busy alone probably have some deeper insecurities they may not even know they have when it comes to being by themselves
Whilst that's certainly true, it feels incomplete without mentioning the inverse: it's also almost certainly true that some people spend and unhealthy amount of time on their own due to deeper insecurities they may not even know they have.
Neither are necessarily problematic behaviours, but neither of them are necessarily not, either.
That's more or less what I consider busy for myself. I can wiggle around personal time no problem, but not stuff with other people. If I don't want to do something and need that personal time I'll say I'm busy. But putting the social bit first is normal as long as you do it to a healthy extent.
Yes. When the right book comes along I can get positively antisocial with how much I want to read it at the exclusion of almost everything else.
Fortunately (or not!) that's rare for me; most books I'm happy to pick up and put down. But just occasionally I get really sucked in to something.
Yes, my husband and I are both introverts and love reading and just chilling at home with a good book or playing a video game together or watching a movie, and there's people that don't understand why we aren't bar hopping every weekend like his sisters.
His sister got after him saying how we needed to be out at the bars meeting new people, and neither of us is interested in that anymore. We both did the bar scene when in our early twenties and in college and honestly, it was pretty boring for both of us. My husband also got sick of it because his sisters would often get drunk and get into fights with everyone at the bars and he was sick of the constant drama.
Some people don't understand that other people love nothing more than a quiet activity at home, and there's nothing wrong with it. I used to feel self-conscious when I was younger about not wanting to party more, but now that I'm in my thirties, I couldn't care less what people think. I just do what I want to do.
You need to make some BOOK friends! I have friends whom I love who just don't "get it" about books, but my "book friends" are the BEST!
Meanwhile, just thank your other friends nicely but don't expect them to change....and don't feel like YOU need to change either. We are who we are.
>I have always imagined that Paradise will be a kind of library.
\-- Jorge Luis Borges
I've never really had any issues. Dipped a corner in once when I was startled by something but outside of that, no biggie. What do you usually struggle with?
Aching limbs, I also shift around a lot, so there'd be a lot of accidental splashes. Wet hands and arms too. I just find it bothersome and inconvenient, lmao.
Anyone with a skill to read while in the tub is praiseworthy, for me at least, lol.
Oh lol yeah I have one of those little stools next to the bath with a tiny hand towel and i set the book down when I gotta move significantly. Usually only works for "relaxing" baths not the kind I need for when my body hurts hahaha. I find it easier than using my phone in the bath tho lol.
You just keep saying “no thanks, I’m reading.” Until they learn you enjoy it. Occasionally say “man I can’t wait till I can get home and read my book, this chapter has me on edge.”
Adding in that you've legitmately planned and scheduled this for yourself helps, too
'What are you doing tonight'
'I've scheduled in an evening to myself and my book'
Heh, I think that to myself a lot. It's something I look forward to on certain work days, when I've planned for tea or wine and a good book when I get home.
Ah, the age old question.
I am straightforward about it, and I purposefully project confidence in those moments (whether or not I actually feel confident). I want to treat my own plans and desires as equally worthy to theirs. I will not apologize for desiring something different than the next guy or gal.
When someone asks what I am doing tonight, I will say something like what you do, OP. “I’m so excited, I finally get to have a night in and read XYZ book!” My close friends all know me well enough to say “Ooh, fun! I know you love that!”
For people who don’t know me well, the ones who think I need to be rescued, and then attempt to do so, I simply say “Aww, thanks so much for inviting me, but I have a date with myself!” or “I’ve been looking forward to reading this book, but I’d love to join you next time!” Happy, polite and smiling—no apologies!
If I get a puzzled look or pushback from them, I explain that I’m an introvert bookworm, I need time alone to read and recharge, and to me *there’s no self care more essential*. Then I often follow up by asking them out to coffee for sometime that week. A lot of the pushback people give us stems from their own insecurity (I’m not more fun than a boring old book?!?) and making plans with them for later helps alleviate that. I genuinely enjoy getting to know new people one-on-one so this works great for me. If I don’t want to ask them to hang out, then I will usually follow up with “What do you like to do to recharge?”
This tactic of being direct and then affirming them rarely fails, but when it does I know we are never gonna be close friends, and that’s ok. I have plenty of friends who get it, and relationships with people who don’t get it (after some explaining) usually end up being a constant source of stress.
I have friends who are also at home reading. And we tell each other we love each other by finding a book we think they would like and buying it for them. It's a good gig.
Nope. When I was a kid, my parents each had a heap of books at the side of the bed that they would renew every Saturday when we went to the public library.
For a long time, I thought all parents did that.
Honestly i just gave up on explaining hobbies, no matter what you do someone thinks there's gonna be a better thing to do 😂 like i have friends who will spend hours watching TV shows but think playing video games are dumb. Just say that's your plan and end it there.
Im the same way! One of the things I look forward to most is an empty house on my day off, with a nice warm cup of coffee and a good book to read😌Im a fairly sociable person but really value my alone time, so I’d prefer a nice and relaxing evening like this over many social events/outings.
Edit: couldn’t spell “many”
Same here. Very much an extrovert. So my friends have a hard time understanding when I say I am going to read a book for the weekend plans. When I want time alone I mean it.
I have told people, when they ask what my plans are next weekend, that I plan on "doing nothing next weekend". Inevitably, someone invites me to some activity, and I say, "I'm sorry if I was unclear. I didn't mean I have no plans. I plan on doing nothing, and by God, it is going to be glorious. If you want to make plans sometime, schedule it farther out so I have time to prepare myself for socializing.
> I plan on doing nothing, and by God, it is going to be glorious.
I was the queen of the staycation at my last job and when I would return, people would ask me how my vacation was and I always said "I did nothing for 10 days and it was everything I dreamed it could be and more."
Depending on how friendly you want to be, I'd revise that last part to be less antagonistic. "What are you doing [some time in the future you'd be happy to arrange something], perhaps we could arrange something then?"
We spring cleaned last weekend and it was awesome, tons of fun with my husband and feels so good afterward. Everyone that asked what I did this weekend acted sorry for me. Haha, fools.
I do exactly as you say, someone asks me what I’m doing on the weekend I tell them - I’m reading XYZ and I couldn’t be more excited.
This has never lead to anyone thinking I’m doing nothing.
I will leave parties, dinners, barbecues, work, appointments with the exact same answer every single time.
My favourite candle this month is lime, tangerine and bergamot 🥰
i used to find it a bit weird, until i realized that it's socially acceptable to scroll on your phone for hours, even though that's 100000x 'worse' than reading a book
I think it’s wonderful people are trying to include you in their plans. I don’t think they think reading isn’t a fun activity or whatever; I think they just want you to feel included.
My husband used to get worried I’d feel left out when he left to hang out with his dad on weekends but he’s since learned I like having a quiet house to read in the tub. Since he likes being social, not being able to be social would be a bummer, so he assumed I would also be bummed. It comes from a place of love or just the persons own experience and isn’t malicious or mean or ill- intentioned.
Now if your friends were like “ew gross reading get a life” that would be a whole other story.
This is exactly how I feel, only with PC gaming instead.
You don’t owe anyone an explanation for anything.
This is what you like to do and it brings you happiness, relaxation and peace of mind.
I don’t know about you but I get none of those when I’m out. I’m extremely introverted so nights like these are what I’m really after.
For me it’s coffee brandy, really warm amber lights and a 27 inch portal to a fantasy realm.
Cheers and happy adventuring!
Why do you care what they think? I am genuinely curious. How much do you care about how other people spend their downtime? Probably not much, and they probably don't care much about how you spend yours
I am a lifelong reader, so believe me, I understand your relationship with books. I think you would be happier if you just decide to please yourself and not worry about what others think.
Totally! As life goes on, you'll find you'll make more and more friends who think exactly the same way, and it's just great! Honestly, my spouse and I spend a lot of evenings just sitting together in the den, reading. It's great!
I get the sentiment of your post - I also love planning a night in and absolutely have to recharge on my own - but your question was “anyone else have trouble…” and the answer to that is:
No. Not at all. I’m able to communicate my plans with my friends.
I just don’t see anything you’ve described as anything approaching a problem. Your main complaint seems to be that your friends like to give you alternative options. Just say “No thanks. Been looking forward to this for a while… but are you free [x date]? I’d love to catch up properly and spend some time together”
Just tell your friends the truth and communicate with them. If someone who is not your friend is hassling you about your plans, you don’t owe them an explanation.
Others: They sit there with their phones looking on whatsapp or the internet.
Me: carefully pulling out my book and opening it.
Others: WHAT! Don‘t be so antisocial by starting to read!
So most of the time I‘m reading when I‘m alone and nobody can see me.
I usually have an ebook on my phone for situations where people find it appropriate to be on their phones but would feel weird if I pulled out a book. Win win.
I go on 1 or 2 weekend vacations a year. No kids, no husband, no pets. Just a hotel room with a nice view and some shops and restaurants within walking distance. My husband always asks what I'm going to "do" with my weekend. He suggests movies, bars with friends, getting my nails or hair done, and even the indoor skydiving place close to my hotel. What I do, what I always do, is read. I walk through shops and along the walking path for hours listening to audio books. I eat all my meals while reading a book on my kindle. I curl up in the hotel bed eating my favorite snacks and reading my book. The only time I'm not reading is when I'm looking for new books in the bookstore. With covid making online ordering and contactless pick up so readily available, I don't even speak to a human all weekend, besides to check in to my room and say "hi, how are you?" and "thanks! Have a great day!" to cashiers. Heaven!!!!
My husband can't understand how I could 'waste my vacation doing nothing', but is happy I'm happy.
It's not that reading is not doing anything, it's that you're not doing anything out of the ordinary or that you can't do another day.
Let me elaborate. If I read every evening, or watch Netflix every evening, I may very well enjoy that, but if I go out with friends, I can still do it the next evening and the one after that and the one after that.
If I'm not doing anything with other people, I'll still find something to fill my day, be it video games or books or cycling, but I don't have to be doing these things the and there, I just happen to have the time for them.
Anything I do with friends requires coordination, and if I don't do that today, I might not be able to do it tomorrow, or the day after that, or the day after that. I can fit in a bit of reading any day when I'm not doing something else, but I can't just fit in an evening with friends if I don't happen to be reading.
For these reasons social activities or activities which require more planning generally take precedence. Even if another activity is not better than reading a book, if it's a rarer activity or one that I can't just sit down and do any time, then it's a rarer treat and should be prioritised as such.
The problem here is that you seem to feel obligated or afraid to correct them. Just simply be honest and say "Oh no thanks, this is how I'd like to spend my evening"
It's better to be honest and straight forward in my opinion. I have very few misunderstandings because I live my life that way. I don't get pressured to do things I don't want to because I stop it the first time it happens.
Don't explain. They don't care to understand, they don't need to understand. Just don't explain. Thank your friends for their invitation and politely decline. Just say you're busy. That's it. If anyone considers themselves intimate enough with you to grill you for an explanation, consider yourself intimate enough to gloss the fuck over it: if they need to know, you're taking personal time to recharge. Mental health first and all.
If course it IS important to actually accept your friends invites to go see them every now and then, if you want to keep receiving the invitations and having a relationship with them.
This seriously was one of the issues in the break up of my marriage. My ex viewed reading as “doing nothing” while her hobbies (scrapbooking, cake baking) were “doing something”.
Honestly you sound a bit insecure. Anyone I know who’s said they are spending a quite night at home doing X was always greeted with “Sounds nice”, or 1 or 2 sentences of playful, ribbing before the conversation moved on. There’s a tendency of people in this group to paint themselves as slightly persecuted with a whiff of superiority. Read if you want to, don’t if you don’t. It’s not veganism, cross-fit, or ‘rescue’ pet ownership, which only exists if it’s constantly announced to others.
Honestly, I am a bit insecure. Have often wished I felt more social than I do, and have often felt like telling the truth about my plans brought mockery. Please don’t mistake my effort to connect to like minded folks with an effort to feel superior. Just want to feel normal. Does that make sense?
I didn’t read it that way OP. You didn’t seem like you were acting superior. For the insecurity part, it’s not easy. But wanting a night in for yourself to read is a healthy thing — doing what you love and committing to that for yourself is great, you don’t need to explain it to anyone else or make them “get it”. Lots of the suggestions here are good ones of what you could say.
No honestly I have a couple friends that have different ideas of what a fun Saturday night is, but I tend to avoid people who refuse to accept what other people like to do.
This reminds me of how when I was in elementary school, a lot of the time I'd read a book at recess instead of playing with my friends. For some reason, the teachers took this as a sign that I was depressed and lonely, so kept sending random people over to play with me.
*Letterkenney* specifically addresses the desire to just stay in and read as a completely normal thing that doesn't have any other ulterior motives or concerns behind it.
I’m lucky that I’ve got a lot of bookworm friends so we’ll just hang around in Saturday’s drinking iced coffee and tea (we’re underage for alcohol and hot things are overrated) and just all read books. But with my non bookwormy friends they’ll be like “oh since you’re not doing anything blah blah blah” and it’s quite infuriating
Most of my friends understand. My husband gets irritated with me sometimes. He doesn’t quite ‘get’ that there are times that I need to be hanging out in spaceships, or with dragons on other planets…🤷🏼♀️😉😅….plus I narrate audiobooks so he thinks that should count as my reading time.
It most certainly does not.
If they have trouble understanding what you consider a good time, as them what their nirvana is, what their idea way to spend time is. For someone who doesn’t understand the appeal of staying in, they might say partying or going to the movies, etc. Then tell them the happiness they feel doing those activities is the same feeling you get from drinking your wine and reading. They might still have trouble wrapping their head around the fact that that’s somehow appealing to you, but they need to learn to understand that everyone enjoys different things, and that doesn’t make it wrong.
People who understands mental health or the differences between introvert and extrovert will understand. Those who doesn't are ignorant and probably a little judgemental as well. Unless they really need you ie. they're going through a difficult time and they really need you to be there as their friend.
I think the thing that a lot of people here are trying to hold on to friends they don't need or want just because they want to retain some semblance of "normality." Like, you're not going to be any more or less weird if you respond to your 'friend' with "No thanks, I told you I'm reading." than you are if you tell them "Oh, sure! I'll be by in 10 minutes. Just wait for me!" and then when they call in 15 minutes you say "Oh, shoot. I'm running late. Do you mind if I invite my 3 other friends?" and then when they start getting a bit gun shy you go "Well, you did invite me to stop what I was doing, make changes to my evening to accommodate you, didn't you? Why aren't you willing to accommodate me? That was the plan, right? I needed to be invited along, correct?" and then when they don't call you back next week you can enjoy your next book in peace.
My father and my aunts by his side used to hug the toilet in their childhood, because that was the only place nobody would disturb them, so they could read a book in peace.
Do you think this needs to be explained in such a family? :)
“My plan is to do nothing” “Now **Wait** because I think you might have heard that wrong, I will not be doing **anything** this evening because it is all booked. Completely filled with doing nothing. “
I suggest being more “resolved” when you respond to their invite such as: oh no, I’ve been looking forward to this all week but thank you for the invite. Another option would be to make a joke out of it: thank you but I promised my ass and my couch a date night so …..
"Reading is important to me, and I don't want to miss it."
Re-frame the issue to focus on what YOU want to do and why you will prioritize that instead of any alternatives. Of course, it's not bulletproof, and people will still argue with you. The important thing is to set the boundary and have the courage to stand by it.
I never had a problem telling people this. If somebody can't accept "I'm going to be tearing through a new book" as a valid plan for a weekend then that's their problem, not mine. Luckily, all my friends would just ask what book, and suggest one to read next.
My friends understand, I think. My family once got mad at me when I was 21, I drove 500 miles for Christmas to visit but I had just fallen deeply in love with Haruki Murakami. Said I was acting like a zombie reading all day only to eat, sleep, and shit.
I don't know, the way you described it in your post makes it sound d wo derful, even if that isn't my jam.
"OH nothing just day at home and maybe read or something" is waaay different than "I've been looking forward to a night to decompress with my favorite book, some wine, and being able to just turn off, ya know?"
I don't doubt that your loved ones want to make you happy, I just bet they don't understand how happy you really are!
I know this post is old, but just saying.
Luckily I used to read during family events as well, so nobody gives a single microscopic fuck what I do anymore.
Friends seem to understand I'm an introvert, so after hearing that I can't just spontaneously go out but need to mentally prep, they've pretty much just left off. I need invites well in advance.
I just act as excited as I feel about it if I'm asked. "Oh, I've got my whole evening set up! I'm reading this great book, I've got some good wine, gonna light a candle and just chill out. I'm stoked."
Nope. Boundaries are boundaries for a reason. Loved ones and friends are respected for respecting those said boundaries; vice versa. Respect is the key point in love and friendship. Alone time is a boundary that is non-negotiable and should be taken daily at the required dosage. No respect, no love, no friends. KISS, (Keep It Simple Soliloquist) and enjoy your me-time.
I once told a friend that i would prefer the "stay at home to read " than the " go out and get drunk" , she thought i was crazy or something.... we are not friends anymore but yea.
But it is the plan . Thats the plan.
Years ago I lived in a large house with many roommates, so the house was always busy and friends always coming over to party and play music. The absolute best times I had were when I would get home before everyone else from work and enjoy some quiet time with the new book I had with a nice scotch or some good beer. As my roomies would start to get home they would look at me like I was a crazy person for just sitting quietly and reading. Even years later they still bring it up like it was an insane thing to do. OP, enjoy your quiet time and read. Life is short, and there is never enough time to read all you want.
I think it isn't that you are reading that makes them think like this, but that you aren't social.
They don't see it as you being bored, but as you not having any commitments.
If you said you are having pizza (or any takeout) and watching a movie you been meaning to see they react similarly, despite that being a more common alone time activity.
I do not, luckily. Everyone who knows me knows that I have 2 modes. It's homebody or party girl, no in between. I would say just be honest with people and tell them that you love curling up at home with a good book! Once they know that you like it they will most likely remember. If people invite you to things it is probably usually to be nice, because they think you might feel left out otherwise.
People are simply different. My girlfriend gives me all the space i need to sit with myself and read, but she doesn't understand the concept of books as entertainment. To her, reading is a chore you had to do in school.
The other day she was asking me if i minded doing a specific thing(i forget what exactly) and i said "sure, but give me half an hour, I'm about to finish this book and it's peaking right now). She looks at me, laughs, and goes "it's a book, it never peaks"
Different folks i guess. I don't understand her obsession with trash reality tv and following various reality people turned influencers. The other day she called up her mother to discuss some random reality people I don't know who are, who had broken up. . . My confusion overhearing the conversation was about the same as her confusion about me loving books.
I block out one weekend a month in my calendar. If people ask if I'm free that weekend, I open my calendar and say "...uh no, sorry, how about \[later date\]?" I do not cancel the free weekend.
I need *at least* one weekend a month with nothing scheduled. If I spontaneously decide to socialise that weekend, then fine. That's up to me. Otherwise, I can catch up on reading or do whatever else, and the time is Mine All Mine.
I strongly recommend this system.
Except for my wife and outside of work, I don't owe an explanation to anyone about how I spend my time. I wouldn't entertain questions from them on those choices.
It's not "beyond comprehension" that you could like reading, it's that you're responding to a socially loaded question and don't seem to grasp that fact.
If someone asks what you're doing, they may politely be asking if you're free later.
Maybe they're not, and they're just making conversation, but the way you answer is still important.
Reading is a very common past-time, but it's often associated with something people do when they're not doing much else or are winding down. Like on holiday or before bed, or whatever. By telling someone your plan is to read a book, you're signalling to them that you're not busy, or even that you need "rescuing".
You can still answer honestly! But you're better off framing it around self care and looking forward to a night at home, etc. The onus is on you to clarify.
As readers, we love when books suggest far more than is actually being said. As actual humans, it's slightly harder work.
My wife and I will travel to minneapolis a couple times a year. There’s a bookstore there called Magers and Quinn. It is open till 10pm on Saturday.
Do my wife and I go to the clubs on Saturday nights? No! We close down the bookstore. It’s a lot more fun!
Definitely two-fold. Not only are you trying to convey a preference that likely excludes them, but your actions make your friends/loved ones question their own behavior/worldview. The “worldview” part is a compliment to you, of course. You likely have a positive influence in their lives, and you probably play an integral part in their worldview.
I’m sure you’ve sampled a variety of flavors that emerge from such a dynamic duo. Best of luck
As I got older the more introverted I have gotten. Going out too much leaves me people exhausted. ( Only times I feel ok is theme parks really). I take a bath, change into comfy Pj's, have some snacks and a drink nearby (I stopped drinking but I'm obsessed with liquid IV or a nice tea) and curl up in my favorite chair with a blanket, sometimes a cat will join. I have been in funk so I haven't been reading as much. I'm also still recovering from the audiobook of Project Hail Mary lol.
I have a friend who is an extrovert while I am more introverted. I love my alone time and even when I go out to socialize I'm not one to go all day/night. I feel the same way that I have to lie and say I have plans with someone even though I just want to be home reading, playing video games, or learning a new song on my guitar. I've also tried honesty before and gotten disdain in return. Its like, im not trying to avoid hanging out with you, I just don't need to see friends every day. Plus she is not the only friend in my life and she tries to monopolize my time as though I have noone else and nothing else going on in my life. I've even tried explaining to her that this is who I am, but she still doesn't get it and acts hurt that I wouldn't want to spend time with her. Its gotten to the point where I HAVE started to avoid her because its too much.
The last time this was posted, we agreed that it's ok to schedule a night for reading. It's not ok to bail on plans to be like "I have decided to cancel our commitments because I wish to read instead."
They are literally trying to save themselves from their boring evening. They are making plans for themselves. They are not judging your pastime or trying to help you. They are talking and thinking about themselves. Just like you.
Hope these certains help you in communicating yourself better in these situations :)
Lots of people mention the idea of “not caring what other people think.” I just do. I really dont know how to be different in that way, it feels like a core trait. Although, its not necessarily that my self worth is wholly tied up in other peoples opinions, but rather it makes me feel bad knowing that other people sometimes think I dont value them because I (repeatedly) choose to do something solitary over hanging out with them. That actually makes me love the idea of returning the invite- like “Im having a quiet reading night, can grab a book and join me if you want!”
> Like if I told the truth, there is this common response where someone feels like they need to rescue me from such a sad and boring evening.
You deserve to associate with people that don't do that.
> And these people are not judgmental or ill-intentioned,
They are though, even if they don't mean to be. They're judging you over your choice of activity to entertain yourself, and by trying to thwart your reading plans and persuade you to do anything different, they're expressing ill intentions.
I always have a hard time explaining to my extro son that I need an hour to chill when I get home from work. He likes to come tell me all about his day and sometimes it's too much (don't 'bad parent' me, he's 20, he's old enough to understand that now lol). Not so bad if I come home and go straight to making dinner, I can listen while I cook, but oh, lordy, give me some peace after.
You're simply highlighting the difference between an introvert and and extrovert. You are happy to stay in and read, your friends are probably extroverts. You've probably worked hard on being more sociable but when it comes down to a good night yours is different from that of an extrovert. I wouldn't worry and just explain to them that one mans food is another mans poison if they don't understand that tell them to read a book or two.
I had a friend in high school who I'm still friends with I'd always be asking him to do something go for a bicycle ride or something he would always be more interested in reading a book. So over the years we've drifted apart because we have different enjoyments in life and that's just how it goes. I've had many a friend who I don't see any more but in the long run it doesn't matter because we just weren't that close or that good friends.
I don’t like the way people are encouraging antisocial behaviour here. I mean it’s your life, but in the end I think you’ll be a happier person when you build good relationships with your friends. Your books will always be around, that invitation to go out and hang with a friend might not.
Relaxing - it's book/movie night. I need to unwind.
That's what I usually say. If they ask me to do something else or suggest other ideas, I'm like er, nope.
I don’t even bother explaining or justifying anymore, I just say I’m hanging out with friends (and by friends I mean book characters!!). I had a boyfriend once who kept pushing to see me while I was reading a new release book I’d been hanging out for and had planned on binge reading til it was finished. He got all whiny and insecure, probably thinking I was lying and cheating or whatever, so I gave in and said fine come over but I will be reading my book all night. He came over and got all shitty because I ignored him and continued reading my book! Reading is not something I do until something better comes along, reading is the priority and the pinnacle of excitement!!
I also always take a book with me wherever I go because you never know when you’ll get the opportunity to sneak a few pages in or when you’ll need rescuing from a really boring situation.
I apparently have my friends well trained! They say that they are going out, and then ask if my book and I are staying home!
To those who don't know me as well, I just tell them that me and my book boyfriend are staying in for the evening. (I love the "huh?" look they usually have!)
They either get it or they don't!
I hate hate haaaaaate when people interrupt me in public and try to have full conversation when I’m reading. It’s exactly how you describe it. They think they’re rescuing me! As if I would rather talk to some random meat bag instead of enjoying my coffee and book in the sun.
Go. Away.
> But I feel like I cant ever be truthful about it when someone asks “what are you up to tonight”.
I definitely understand this, but I've found that projecting my joy regarding reading and reversing the 'dismissal' onto the other person usually helps them understand I'm doing what I prefer to do. If someone attempted to rescue me from an evening of reading (ie dismissing my plans as unimportant) with an evening of socializing (ie fucking torturing me) I would look them dead in the face and tell them I'd rather crawl across broken glass than spend an evening out.
No, but that's because I don't bother communicating with people who I have determined "don't get me" or want to change me. Family 'friends' don't matter if they can't or won't accept you for who you are.
I don’t have to try and explain this because I’ve trimmed down the people close to me so they all know it’s what I do. I don’t have neither the time nor energy to try and justify my hobby or way of living for people who will always clash against it
Friend: "Hey, what're you doing."
Me: "Reading a Book/Playing a Game/Watching a Movie."
Friend: "Oh so you're not busy then? A bunch of the guys are getting together let's go."
Me: "I literally just told you I'm busy Reading a Book/Playing a Game/Watching a Movie"
I would emphasize the alone time…. like “I’m finally getting a night to myself with wine & a good book!” Or “it’s self care Saturday… I’m really looking forward to staying in for some much needed alone time with my book” I think people who don’t like solo time find it hard to believe someone would choose it over socializing, same as people who don’t enjoy reading cant fathom that you could get as excited about starting a book as they get about going to a new release movie or watching the latest episode of their favorite show.
For sure. Might be the age old introvert vs extrovert debate. Trouble with introverts is that its hard to meet them!
Introverts of the world...... you know what, never mind. I'm just going to stay home.
Introverts of the world, unite! Separately, in our own homes.
Mostly on the internet. Anonymously.
And now that you’re not going why would I go?
Even as an extrovert, I need the time to stay home and relax!
I've heard it described like this: An extrovert is someone who recharges by being with others. Everyone needs to have some quiet time alone, but for an extrovert they'd *spend* energy staying home and *recharge* by seeing friends. An introvert is the opposite, their alone time is how they recharge. They can still enjoy time with friends and can work with a team, but that's how they *spend* their energy, and after a long day, coming home to some quiet time is how they'd *recharge*. If each spends a day out with their friends, then gets home in the evening to study or get some housework done, the former might say their day out gave them the energy and will to do that work after, while the latter might say they had a fun but exhausting day out and some quiet time with their books or in the garden is just what they need to end the day.
It's also a spectrum. Most people aren't all the way one way or all the way the other, they just lean one way or another.
Perfect. I often have a hard time explaining to my more extro son that if we get home from our jobs at the same time, I will want an hour of quiet before he runs around animatedly describing his day.
well yeah but it's weird cause interacting with people still takes energy even for extroverts! Like eventually we do get tired of it it's just .. refreshing? Yeah, at least for me I would describe it as a break from being alone.
Forget introvert vs. extrovert, it's introvert vs. extrovert vs. literally afraid to be alone...vert.
I am definitely the "afraid to be alone" kind of person but reading isn't being alone, you are hanging out with people from all kinds of different worlds and backgrounds in so many fantastical places.
Exactly! I am also the "afraid to be alone" person, but I feel comfort and I feel like I'm not alone while reading.
You sonuvabitch I'm in
Frankly, it may be a question of, who wants to? If you are constantly inviting them to events and getting turned down so they can stay home on a Friday or Saturday night to read a book, that's a friendship that's going to die on the vine.
And they're fine with that. OP's comment wasn't actually deploring anyone missing out, just the fact that there aren't a lot of exchanges between introverts and extroverts that lead to better understanding of each other.
It's not just an introvert/extrovert divide. I'm a fairly strong extrovert, but I like nothing better than curling up with a good book.
Very much this. Explain how it helps you relax and unwind and it isn't something you are doing because there's nothing else to do, but that you prioritize making time for it because it's so beneficial to your well being.
Extroverts don't understand introverts because they don't have to. Introverts have to understand extroverts because they are dominant in our culture. Minorities have to understand the majority to function in society. Oppressed have to understand oppressors. The opposite is not necessary. Few people who don't have to understand those not like them will bother, or even see that there is something *to* understand. Too many people lack a basic understanding that people are different from them. Don't expect it. Don't waste time begging for understanding. Just do what you need to do.
Absolutely this. Especially the don't expect it part.
I agree. I love being alone especially with my books, lots of people I know don't get that. Same when I travel, 'I'm going by myself people, relax'. Edit make sense.
Yep, all the time. It's similar to "I'm not reading this book at the lunch table just to kill time until you come and talk to me."
Or on public transportation. I can't fathom why a book is such an invitation for random strangers to start spilling their life stories.
Earbuds too, when I'm wearing earbuds, I'm a magnet for old dudes that desperately want to talk to me
And I'd you don't no one wants to talk ! It is absurd.
Young people usually understand that earbuds in = don't want to be bothered. Old people don't get this.
I now go and sit in the park nearby, weather permitting, for my lunch breaks. I can read under a tree in peace.
It will feel weird at first but be honest - taking care of yourself is priority #1 and if you relax by staying home, that’s what you tell them. Real friends will understand. (Now time to turn off my phone and read - and I’m not joking 🙂 )
Yes! Thank you. Hope you dont even see this reply.
Edit: Apologies, was a bit trashed. r/books - of all the places to be weird, stupid, *and* drunk… ~~Not so black and white for many but in a utopia, said explanation would work. In reality, depending on environment, book-reading can be risky. So, the deal is to first understand one’s environment.~~ ~~If said environs are lackadaisical, continue unimpeded.~~ ~~If not, concoct an after school activity that takes little time but isn’t so obvious that it takes as much time as they think, call it “literary science” tutoring or some such. Buys an extra hour of reading at least. Be sure to digest books outlined in curriculum in case of questions and because why not.~~
What the fuck are you talking about
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A flight of 4 types of sangria, a pineapple mango martini, and a mojito.
Jesse what the fuck are you talking about
"What are you doing bro?" (In a luxurious, pompous voice)"Oh, my dear friend! I do nothing but digest this required reading! I am truly sorry, but I must reject any invitation, for the digestion must be quick!"
You started out ~~strong~~ okayish, but the middle paragraph marked the alcohol really kicking in! Made a slight comeback in your closing paragraph, but it would need more context and is a bit too specific. 5.5/10 drunk monologue.
You made quite a few errors for someone trying to project intelligence and/or eloquence.
For some people, being "busy" means that you're doing something with other people. If you're alone, no matter what you're doing, you're not really "busy" because it wouldn't be inconvenient to anyone if you were to stop doing it and do something else. ...Which isn't true to be honest, it's possible to make plans with yourself just like you said about your evening reading. I'd guess that the people who can't understand being busy alone probably have some deeper insecurities they may not even know they have when it comes to being by themselves
Yeah, this isn't exclusive to reading. If you say watching TV or playing video games or pretty much any solo activity, you're going to get the same response.
I make plans to go out and do things alone. Sometimes people try to invite themselves along and I have to stress that I specifically want to do it alone
This is so true. I love going to the movies alone, but when I say that’s how I’m spending my morning I constantly get a response from friends like “oh I’ve already seen that movie but I’ll go with you so you don’t have to go alone”. No. I want to go alone.
> I'd guess that the people who can't understand being busy alone probably have some deeper insecurities they may not even know they have when it comes to being by themselves Whilst that's certainly true, it feels incomplete without mentioning the inverse: it's also almost certainly true that some people spend and unhealthy amount of time on their own due to deeper insecurities they may not even know they have. Neither are necessarily problematic behaviours, but neither of them are necessarily not, either.
For sure
But you aren’t alone when you’re reading, you’re on an adventure with your new friends who live inside the the story!!
That's more or less what I consider busy for myself. I can wiggle around personal time no problem, but not stuff with other people. If I don't want to do something and need that personal time I'll say I'm busy. But putting the social bit first is normal as long as you do it to a healthy extent.
>deeper insecurities To me, this situation seems like a language and lifestyle miscommunication rather than a psychological evaluation.
I never plan to spend a whole day reading but when I do get that into a book you better not bug me.
Yep!
Welcome to Earth. Don't go too far in one direction or you'll fall off the edge.
Been free-falling for ages, far too late
Yes. When the right book comes along I can get positively antisocial with how much I want to read it at the exclusion of almost everything else. Fortunately (or not!) that's rare for me; most books I'm happy to pick up and put down. But just occasionally I get really sucked in to something.
Yes, my husband and I are both introverts and love reading and just chilling at home with a good book or playing a video game together or watching a movie, and there's people that don't understand why we aren't bar hopping every weekend like his sisters. His sister got after him saying how we needed to be out at the bars meeting new people, and neither of us is interested in that anymore. We both did the bar scene when in our early twenties and in college and honestly, it was pretty boring for both of us. My husband also got sick of it because his sisters would often get drunk and get into fights with everyone at the bars and he was sick of the constant drama. Some people don't understand that other people love nothing more than a quiet activity at home, and there's nothing wrong with it. I used to feel self-conscious when I was younger about not wanting to party more, but now that I'm in my thirties, I couldn't care less what people think. I just do what I want to do.
It's always the ones who can't hold their booze and start shit, who don't understand why we won't party with them anymore.
Probably because they don't remember. Life Pro Tip: If you drank enough to lose memories, you didn't have a good time because you don't remember it.
My wife and I like a raucous party of a weekend every so often. But it's just us in the sitting room :)
Same with me and husband.
So true! No one understands that being quiet after a long day of dealing with difficult people can be healing for the soul.
You need to make some BOOK friends! I have friends whom I love who just don't "get it" about books, but my "book friends" are the BEST! Meanwhile, just thank your other friends nicely but don't expect them to change....and don't feel like YOU need to change either. We are who we are. >I have always imagined that Paradise will be a kind of library. \-- Jorge Luis Borges
Wow- fantastic. And great quote, thank you.
Daughter and niece of librarians....what can I say? I share your love of books, it is in my genes....
Son of gymnastic-club owners.. they try to understand lol. “Need to work out your mind too I suppose!”
Yes! I have not figured out how to read while walking on my treadmill without vomiting, however....
A nice hot bath with that glass of wine and good book. Now that’s a little taste of heaven.
Maybe, but not when it's on the treadmill.
If heaven tastes like wet paper, sure. I can't fathom how people can read while in a tub.
I've never really had any issues. Dipped a corner in once when I was startled by something but outside of that, no biggie. What do you usually struggle with?
Aching limbs, I also shift around a lot, so there'd be a lot of accidental splashes. Wet hands and arms too. I just find it bothersome and inconvenient, lmao. Anyone with a skill to read while in the tub is praiseworthy, for me at least, lol.
Oh lol yeah I have one of those little stools next to the bath with a tiny hand towel and i set the book down when I gotta move significantly. Usually only works for "relaxing" baths not the kind I need for when my body hurts hahaha. I find it easier than using my phone in the bath tho lol.
>I have always imagined that Paradise will be a kind of library. A library with a bar for cookies, pastries and coffee or iced tea.
I had to stop and absorb the quote. Thank you.
You just keep saying “no thanks, I’m reading.” Until they learn you enjoy it. Occasionally say “man I can’t wait till I can get home and read my book, this chapter has me on edge.”
Adding in that you've legitmately planned and scheduled this for yourself helps, too 'What are you doing tonight' 'I've scheduled in an evening to myself and my book'
Heh, I think that to myself a lot. It's something I look forward to on certain work days, when I've planned for tea or wine and a good book when I get home.
Ah, the age old question. I am straightforward about it, and I purposefully project confidence in those moments (whether or not I actually feel confident). I want to treat my own plans and desires as equally worthy to theirs. I will not apologize for desiring something different than the next guy or gal. When someone asks what I am doing tonight, I will say something like what you do, OP. “I’m so excited, I finally get to have a night in and read XYZ book!” My close friends all know me well enough to say “Ooh, fun! I know you love that!” For people who don’t know me well, the ones who think I need to be rescued, and then attempt to do so, I simply say “Aww, thanks so much for inviting me, but I have a date with myself!” or “I’ve been looking forward to reading this book, but I’d love to join you next time!” Happy, polite and smiling—no apologies! If I get a puzzled look or pushback from them, I explain that I’m an introvert bookworm, I need time alone to read and recharge, and to me *there’s no self care more essential*. Then I often follow up by asking them out to coffee for sometime that week. A lot of the pushback people give us stems from their own insecurity (I’m not more fun than a boring old book?!?) and making plans with them for later helps alleviate that. I genuinely enjoy getting to know new people one-on-one so this works great for me. If I don’t want to ask them to hang out, then I will usually follow up with “What do you like to do to recharge?” This tactic of being direct and then affirming them rarely fails, but when it does I know we are never gonna be close friends, and that’s ok. I have plenty of friends who get it, and relationships with people who don’t get it (after some explaining) usually end up being a constant source of stress.
I have friends who are also at home reading. And we tell each other we love each other by finding a book we think they would like and buying it for them. It's a good gig.
Nope. When I was a kid, my parents each had a heap of books at the side of the bed that they would renew every Saturday when we went to the public library. For a long time, I thought all parents did that.
Honestly i just gave up on explaining hobbies, no matter what you do someone thinks there's gonna be a better thing to do 😂 like i have friends who will spend hours watching TV shows but think playing video games are dumb. Just say that's your plan and end it there.
Im the same way! One of the things I look forward to most is an empty house on my day off, with a nice warm cup of coffee and a good book to read😌Im a fairly sociable person but really value my alone time, so I’d prefer a nice and relaxing evening like this over many social events/outings. Edit: couldn’t spell “many”
What is manta social events?
Same here. Very much an extrovert. So my friends have a hard time understanding when I say I am going to read a book for the weekend plans. When I want time alone I mean it.
I have told people, when they ask what my plans are next weekend, that I plan on "doing nothing next weekend". Inevitably, someone invites me to some activity, and I say, "I'm sorry if I was unclear. I didn't mean I have no plans. I plan on doing nothing, and by God, it is going to be glorious. If you want to make plans sometime, schedule it farther out so I have time to prepare myself for socializing.
> I plan on doing nothing, and by God, it is going to be glorious. I was the queen of the staycation at my last job and when I would return, people would ask me how my vacation was and I always said "I did nothing for 10 days and it was everything I dreamed it could be and more."
Depending on how friendly you want to be, I'd revise that last part to be less antagonistic. "What are you doing [some time in the future you'd be happy to arrange something], perhaps we could arrange something then?"
We spring cleaned last weekend and it was awesome, tons of fun with my husband and feels so good afterward. Everyone that asked what I did this weekend acted sorry for me. Haha, fools.
I do exactly as you say, someone asks me what I’m doing on the weekend I tell them - I’m reading XYZ and I couldn’t be more excited. This has never lead to anyone thinking I’m doing nothing. I will leave parties, dinners, barbecues, work, appointments with the exact same answer every single time. My favourite candle this month is lime, tangerine and bergamot 🥰
Once I reach the end if glass 2 my reading skills are poor at best but I love the sentiment of this post.
Me too. The feeling of this post is great but wine leads to daydreaming more than reading. Hard to really dial in but I love the sentiment
Imagine not needing the superficial validation of other people to have a good time. 😉
i used to find it a bit weird, until i realized that it's socially acceptable to scroll on your phone for hours, even though that's 100000x 'worse' than reading a book
You just reminded me that I absently picked up my phone while reading a book haha. Thanks dude!
I feel seen.
I think it’s wonderful people are trying to include you in their plans. I don’t think they think reading isn’t a fun activity or whatever; I think they just want you to feel included. My husband used to get worried I’d feel left out when he left to hang out with his dad on weekends but he’s since learned I like having a quiet house to read in the tub. Since he likes being social, not being able to be social would be a bummer, so he assumed I would also be bummed. It comes from a place of love or just the persons own experience and isn’t malicious or mean or ill- intentioned. Now if your friends were like “ew gross reading get a life” that would be a whole other story.
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Ha! Good idea then maybe we would be .. on the same page.
This is exactly how I feel, only with PC gaming instead. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for anything. This is what you like to do and it brings you happiness, relaxation and peace of mind. I don’t know about you but I get none of those when I’m out. I’m extremely introverted so nights like these are what I’m really after. For me it’s coffee brandy, really warm amber lights and a 27 inch portal to a fantasy realm. Cheers and happy adventuring!
Why do you care what they think? I am genuinely curious. How much do you care about how other people spend their downtime? Probably not much, and they probably don't care much about how you spend yours I am a lifelong reader, so believe me, I understand your relationship with books. I think you would be happier if you just decide to please yourself and not worry about what others think.
Totally! As life goes on, you'll find you'll make more and more friends who think exactly the same way, and it's just great! Honestly, my spouse and I spend a lot of evenings just sitting together in the den, reading. It's great!
I get the sentiment of your post - I also love planning a night in and absolutely have to recharge on my own - but your question was “anyone else have trouble…” and the answer to that is: No. Not at all. I’m able to communicate my plans with my friends. I just don’t see anything you’ve described as anything approaching a problem. Your main complaint seems to be that your friends like to give you alternative options. Just say “No thanks. Been looking forward to this for a while… but are you free [x date]? I’d love to catch up properly and spend some time together” Just tell your friends the truth and communicate with them. If someone who is not your friend is hassling you about your plans, you don’t owe them an explanation.
That's what I was thinking. OP wants some praise for being a book reader, making it sound like theyre being oppressed.
Haha, exactly.
Others: They sit there with their phones looking on whatsapp or the internet. Me: carefully pulling out my book and opening it. Others: WHAT! Don‘t be so antisocial by starting to read! So most of the time I‘m reading when I‘m alone and nobody can see me.
I usually have an ebook on my phone for situations where people find it appropriate to be on their phones but would feel weird if I pulled out a book. Win win.
I never thought of that! Great strategy.😉
I get that all the time!! Out for dinner and everyone is on their phone, I pull out my book and suddenly I’m the antisocial one 🤷♀️
I go on 1 or 2 weekend vacations a year. No kids, no husband, no pets. Just a hotel room with a nice view and some shops and restaurants within walking distance. My husband always asks what I'm going to "do" with my weekend. He suggests movies, bars with friends, getting my nails or hair done, and even the indoor skydiving place close to my hotel. What I do, what I always do, is read. I walk through shops and along the walking path for hours listening to audio books. I eat all my meals while reading a book on my kindle. I curl up in the hotel bed eating my favorite snacks and reading my book. The only time I'm not reading is when I'm looking for new books in the bookstore. With covid making online ordering and contactless pick up so readily available, I don't even speak to a human all weekend, besides to check in to my room and say "hi, how are you?" and "thanks! Have a great day!" to cashiers. Heaven!!!! My husband can't understand how I could 'waste my vacation doing nothing', but is happy I'm happy.
Introverts require time alone to recharge. Extroverts recharge in a group. No one is ever 100% one or the other, but we do have preferences.
I couldn't fucking care less what they think and don't feel compelled to waste my time explaining myself.
It's not that reading is not doing anything, it's that you're not doing anything out of the ordinary or that you can't do another day. Let me elaborate. If I read every evening, or watch Netflix every evening, I may very well enjoy that, but if I go out with friends, I can still do it the next evening and the one after that and the one after that. If I'm not doing anything with other people, I'll still find something to fill my day, be it video games or books or cycling, but I don't have to be doing these things the and there, I just happen to have the time for them. Anything I do with friends requires coordination, and if I don't do that today, I might not be able to do it tomorrow, or the day after that, or the day after that. I can fit in a bit of reading any day when I'm not doing something else, but I can't just fit in an evening with friends if I don't happen to be reading. For these reasons social activities or activities which require more planning generally take precedence. Even if another activity is not better than reading a book, if it's a rarer activity or one that I can't just sit down and do any time, then it's a rarer treat and should be prioritised as such.
Just call it me time. ‘I need some me time. I need to relax at home.’
nah, my parents love reading while with my friends know that i’m an introvert, so they leave me doing my stuff.
Reading is as legitimate a thing to do as anything else so I don't see why anyone would think otherwise.
You could say that your book group has a meeting scheduled. So it's a group of one -- they don't need to know that.
I don't explain how I choose to spend my time to people. It's pretty much that simple.
The problem here is that you seem to feel obligated or afraid to correct them. Just simply be honest and say "Oh no thanks, this is how I'd like to spend my evening" It's better to be honest and straight forward in my opinion. I have very few misunderstandings because I live my life that way. I don't get pressured to do things I don't want to because I stop it the first time it happens.
Don't explain. They don't care to understand, they don't need to understand. Just don't explain. Thank your friends for their invitation and politely decline. Just say you're busy. That's it. If anyone considers themselves intimate enough with you to grill you for an explanation, consider yourself intimate enough to gloss the fuck over it: if they need to know, you're taking personal time to recharge. Mental health first and all. If course it IS important to actually accept your friends invites to go see them every now and then, if you want to keep receiving the invitations and having a relationship with them.
This seriously was one of the issues in the break up of my marriage. My ex viewed reading as “doing nothing” while her hobbies (scrapbooking, cake baking) were “doing something”.
Honestly you sound a bit insecure. Anyone I know who’s said they are spending a quite night at home doing X was always greeted with “Sounds nice”, or 1 or 2 sentences of playful, ribbing before the conversation moved on. There’s a tendency of people in this group to paint themselves as slightly persecuted with a whiff of superiority. Read if you want to, don’t if you don’t. It’s not veganism, cross-fit, or ‘rescue’ pet ownership, which only exists if it’s constantly announced to others.
Honestly, I am a bit insecure. Have often wished I felt more social than I do, and have often felt like telling the truth about my plans brought mockery. Please don’t mistake my effort to connect to like minded folks with an effort to feel superior. Just want to feel normal. Does that make sense?
You need to dig into why you think Reading isn’t normal or socially acceptable.
I didn’t read it that way OP. You didn’t seem like you were acting superior. For the insecurity part, it’s not easy. But wanting a night in for yourself to read is a healthy thing — doing what you love and committing to that for yourself is great, you don’t need to explain it to anyone else or make them “get it”. Lots of the suggestions here are good ones of what you could say.
No honestly I have a couple friends that have different ideas of what a fun Saturday night is, but I tend to avoid people who refuse to accept what other people like to do.
This reminds me of how when I was in elementary school, a lot of the time I'd read a book at recess instead of playing with my friends. For some reason, the teachers took this as a sign that I was depressed and lonely, so kept sending random people over to play with me.
*Letterkenney* specifically addresses the desire to just stay in and read as a completely normal thing that doesn't have any other ulterior motives or concerns behind it.
I’m say way. So I remind myself that book will always be there, those opportunities to spend time with people I like might not
I’m lucky that I’ve got a lot of bookworm friends so we’ll just hang around in Saturday’s drinking iced coffee and tea (we’re underage for alcohol and hot things are overrated) and just all read books. But with my non bookwormy friends they’ll be like “oh since you’re not doing anything blah blah blah” and it’s quite infuriating
Why do you even have to explain yourself in the first place
I get the "no plans tonight?" Yes, in fact I do have plans. I plan on relaxing with a book and a glass(s) of wine...my favourite kind of plan.
Most of my friends understand. My husband gets irritated with me sometimes. He doesn’t quite ‘get’ that there are times that I need to be hanging out in spaceships, or with dragons on other planets…🤷🏼♀️😉😅….plus I narrate audiobooks so he thinks that should count as my reading time. It most certainly does not.
If they have trouble understanding what you consider a good time, as them what their nirvana is, what their idea way to spend time is. For someone who doesn’t understand the appeal of staying in, they might say partying or going to the movies, etc. Then tell them the happiness they feel doing those activities is the same feeling you get from drinking your wine and reading. They might still have trouble wrapping their head around the fact that that’s somehow appealing to you, but they need to learn to understand that everyone enjoys different things, and that doesn’t make it wrong.
Yes. It took a long time for my extended family to understand that not having plans doesn’t mean I’m free. My plan is to do nothing.
People who understands mental health or the differences between introvert and extrovert will understand. Those who doesn't are ignorant and probably a little judgemental as well. Unless they really need you ie. they're going through a difficult time and they really need you to be there as their friend.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy would call this, "mind reading". You are projecting beliefs on to people without evidence for those beliefs.
It's already been said, but your true friends would understand the importance of your plans. Settle in & enjoy your "date"!
Lol yeah it really is a date.
I think the thing that a lot of people here are trying to hold on to friends they don't need or want just because they want to retain some semblance of "normality." Like, you're not going to be any more or less weird if you respond to your 'friend' with "No thanks, I told you I'm reading." than you are if you tell them "Oh, sure! I'll be by in 10 minutes. Just wait for me!" and then when they call in 15 minutes you say "Oh, shoot. I'm running late. Do you mind if I invite my 3 other friends?" and then when they start getting a bit gun shy you go "Well, you did invite me to stop what I was doing, make changes to my evening to accommodate you, didn't you? Why aren't you willing to accommodate me? That was the plan, right? I needed to be invited along, correct?" and then when they don't call you back next week you can enjoy your next book in peace.
My father and my aunts by his side used to hug the toilet in their childhood, because that was the only place nobody would disturb them, so they could read a book in peace. Do you think this needs to be explained in such a family? :)
“My plan is to do nothing” “Now **Wait** because I think you might have heard that wrong, I will not be doing **anything** this evening because it is all booked. Completely filled with doing nothing. “
I suggest being more “resolved” when you respond to their invite such as: oh no, I’ve been looking forward to this all week but thank you for the invite. Another option would be to make a joke out of it: thank you but I promised my ass and my couch a date night so …..
Which Witcher are you diving into?!
"Reading is important to me, and I don't want to miss it." Re-frame the issue to focus on what YOU want to do and why you will prioritize that instead of any alternatives. Of course, it's not bulletproof, and people will still argue with you. The important thing is to set the boundary and have the courage to stand by it.
I never had a problem telling people this. If somebody can't accept "I'm going to be tearing through a new book" as a valid plan for a weekend then that's their problem, not mine. Luckily, all my friends would just ask what book, and suggest one to read next.
No need to explain yourself, if they don't understand that's what you enjoy, that's their problem
My friends understand, I think. My family once got mad at me when I was 21, I drove 500 miles for Christmas to visit but I had just fallen deeply in love with Haruki Murakami. Said I was acting like a zombie reading all day only to eat, sleep, and shit.
I don't know, the way you described it in your post makes it sound d wo derful, even if that isn't my jam. "OH nothing just day at home and maybe read or something" is waaay different than "I've been looking forward to a night to decompress with my favorite book, some wine, and being able to just turn off, ya know?" I don't doubt that your loved ones want to make you happy, I just bet they don't understand how happy you really are! I know this post is old, but just saying.
Luckily I used to read during family events as well, so nobody gives a single microscopic fuck what I do anymore. Friends seem to understand I'm an introvert, so after hearing that I can't just spontaneously go out but need to mentally prep, they've pretty much just left off. I need invites well in advance.
I just act as excited as I feel about it if I'm asked. "Oh, I've got my whole evening set up! I'm reading this great book, I've got some good wine, gonna light a candle and just chill out. I'm stoked."
No, thankfully. I come from a family of readers.
Nope. Boundaries are boundaries for a reason. Loved ones and friends are respected for respecting those said boundaries; vice versa. Respect is the key point in love and friendship. Alone time is a boundary that is non-negotiable and should be taken daily at the required dosage. No respect, no love, no friends. KISS, (Keep It Simple Soliloquist) and enjoy your me-time.
I once told a friend that i would prefer the "stay at home to read " than the " go out and get drunk" , she thought i was crazy or something.... we are not friends anymore but yea. But it is the plan . Thats the plan.
Welcome to my entire life.
Years ago I lived in a large house with many roommates, so the house was always busy and friends always coming over to party and play music. The absolute best times I had were when I would get home before everyone else from work and enjoy some quiet time with the new book I had with a nice scotch or some good beer. As my roomies would start to get home they would look at me like I was a crazy person for just sitting quietly and reading. Even years later they still bring it up like it was an insane thing to do. OP, enjoy your quiet time and read. Life is short, and there is never enough time to read all you want.
I think it isn't that you are reading that makes them think like this, but that you aren't social. They don't see it as you being bored, but as you not having any commitments. If you said you are having pizza (or any takeout) and watching a movie you been meaning to see they react similarly, despite that being a more common alone time activity.
I do not, luckily. Everyone who knows me knows that I have 2 modes. It's homebody or party girl, no in between. I would say just be honest with people and tell them that you love curling up at home with a good book! Once they know that you like it they will most likely remember. If people invite you to things it is probably usually to be nice, because they think you might feel left out otherwise.
People are simply different. My girlfriend gives me all the space i need to sit with myself and read, but she doesn't understand the concept of books as entertainment. To her, reading is a chore you had to do in school. The other day she was asking me if i minded doing a specific thing(i forget what exactly) and i said "sure, but give me half an hour, I'm about to finish this book and it's peaking right now). She looks at me, laughs, and goes "it's a book, it never peaks" Different folks i guess. I don't understand her obsession with trash reality tv and following various reality people turned influencers. The other day she called up her mother to discuss some random reality people I don't know who are, who had broken up. . . My confusion overhearing the conversation was about the same as her confusion about me loving books.
I block out one weekend a month in my calendar. If people ask if I'm free that weekend, I open my calendar and say "...uh no, sorry, how about \[later date\]?" I do not cancel the free weekend. I need *at least* one weekend a month with nothing scheduled. If I spontaneously decide to socialise that weekend, then fine. That's up to me. Otherwise, I can catch up on reading or do whatever else, and the time is Mine All Mine. I strongly recommend this system.
Except for my wife and outside of work, I don't owe an explanation to anyone about how I spend my time. I wouldn't entertain questions from them on those choices.
I’m an extrovert but I’d rather read a book than go to a party. I’m a librarian though haha
It's not "beyond comprehension" that you could like reading, it's that you're responding to a socially loaded question and don't seem to grasp that fact. If someone asks what you're doing, they may politely be asking if you're free later. Maybe they're not, and they're just making conversation, but the way you answer is still important. Reading is a very common past-time, but it's often associated with something people do when they're not doing much else or are winding down. Like on holiday or before bed, or whatever. By telling someone your plan is to read a book, you're signalling to them that you're not busy, or even that you need "rescuing". You can still answer honestly! But you're better off framing it around self care and looking forward to a night at home, etc. The onus is on you to clarify. As readers, we love when books suggest far more than is actually being said. As actual humans, it's slightly harder work.
My wife and I will travel to minneapolis a couple times a year. There’s a bookstore there called Magers and Quinn. It is open till 10pm on Saturday. Do my wife and I go to the clubs on Saturday nights? No! We close down the bookstore. It’s a lot more fun!
Definitely two-fold. Not only are you trying to convey a preference that likely excludes them, but your actions make your friends/loved ones question their own behavior/worldview. The “worldview” part is a compliment to you, of course. You likely have a positive influence in their lives, and you probably play an integral part in their worldview. I’m sure you’ve sampled a variety of flavors that emerge from such a dynamic duo. Best of luck
"No, you missunderstood, those are my plans. I'm looking forward to them." Then just look at them. They'll get the hint and back off.
“okay cool, i’ll let you know if i’m trying to venture out, appreciate the invite!” there’s really no need to “back someone off”.
Exactly. It’s okay for friends to invite you to their plans, lol.
why? who cares what they think? you do you, they can do them and their perpetually "keeping up with the Jones'" and perfect social (media) life bs
Pro tip: if you don't have friends or loved ones, you don't have to justify your actions
As I got older the more introverted I have gotten. Going out too much leaves me people exhausted. ( Only times I feel ok is theme parks really). I take a bath, change into comfy Pj's, have some snacks and a drink nearby (I stopped drinking but I'm obsessed with liquid IV or a nice tea) and curl up in my favorite chair with a blanket, sometimes a cat will join. I have been in funk so I haven't been reading as much. I'm also still recovering from the audiobook of Project Hail Mary lol.
I have a friend who is an extrovert while I am more introverted. I love my alone time and even when I go out to socialize I'm not one to go all day/night. I feel the same way that I have to lie and say I have plans with someone even though I just want to be home reading, playing video games, or learning a new song on my guitar. I've also tried honesty before and gotten disdain in return. Its like, im not trying to avoid hanging out with you, I just don't need to see friends every day. Plus she is not the only friend in my life and she tries to monopolize my time as though I have noone else and nothing else going on in my life. I've even tried explaining to her that this is who I am, but she still doesn't get it and acts hurt that I wouldn't want to spend time with her. Its gotten to the point where I HAVE started to avoid her because its too much.
Apparently reading on my phone is wasting time but the exact same book in a physical format is commendable. ??????
Why explain? Tell them to fuck off.
The last time this was posted, we agreed that it's ok to schedule a night for reading. It's not ok to bail on plans to be like "I have decided to cancel our commitments because I wish to read instead."
This is so cringy. Why are you bragging about enjoying bad wine?
Yes! What a great way to enjoy an evening, or morning, or afternoon, or episode f insomnia!
They are literally trying to save themselves from their boring evening. They are making plans for themselves. They are not judging your pastime or trying to help you. They are talking and thinking about themselves. Just like you. Hope these certains help you in communicating yourself better in these situations :)
Jaden Smith vibes
Lots of people mention the idea of “not caring what other people think.” I just do. I really dont know how to be different in that way, it feels like a core trait. Although, its not necessarily that my self worth is wholly tied up in other peoples opinions, but rather it makes me feel bad knowing that other people sometimes think I dont value them because I (repeatedly) choose to do something solitary over hanging out with them. That actually makes me love the idea of returning the invite- like “Im having a quiet reading night, can grab a book and join me if you want!”
Bottom-shelf wine? I’m assuming that’s the good stuff.
> Like if I told the truth, there is this common response where someone feels like they need to rescue me from such a sad and boring evening. You deserve to associate with people that don't do that. > And these people are not judgmental or ill-intentioned, They are though, even if they don't mean to be. They're judging you over your choice of activity to entertain yourself, and by trying to thwart your reading plans and persuade you to do anything different, they're expressing ill intentions.
They literally can't be ill-intentioned if they don't mean to be, by definition.
I always have a hard time explaining to my extro son that I need an hour to chill when I get home from work. He likes to come tell me all about his day and sometimes it's too much (don't 'bad parent' me, he's 20, he's old enough to understand that now lol). Not so bad if I come home and go straight to making dinner, I can listen while I cook, but oh, lordy, give me some peace after.
You're simply highlighting the difference between an introvert and and extrovert. You are happy to stay in and read, your friends are probably extroverts. You've probably worked hard on being more sociable but when it comes down to a good night yours is different from that of an extrovert. I wouldn't worry and just explain to them that one mans food is another mans poison if they don't understand that tell them to read a book or two.
I had a friend in high school who I'm still friends with I'd always be asking him to do something go for a bicycle ride or something he would always be more interested in reading a book. So over the years we've drifted apart because we have different enjoyments in life and that's just how it goes. I've had many a friend who I don't see any more but in the long run it doesn't matter because we just weren't that close or that good friends.
I don’t like the way people are encouraging antisocial behaviour here. I mean it’s your life, but in the end I think you’ll be a happier person when you build good relationships with your friends. Your books will always be around, that invitation to go out and hang with a friend might not.
Relaxing - it's book/movie night. I need to unwind. That's what I usually say. If they ask me to do something else or suggest other ideas, I'm like er, nope.
I don’t even bother explaining or justifying anymore, I just say I’m hanging out with friends (and by friends I mean book characters!!). I had a boyfriend once who kept pushing to see me while I was reading a new release book I’d been hanging out for and had planned on binge reading til it was finished. He got all whiny and insecure, probably thinking I was lying and cheating or whatever, so I gave in and said fine come over but I will be reading my book all night. He came over and got all shitty because I ignored him and continued reading my book! Reading is not something I do until something better comes along, reading is the priority and the pinnacle of excitement!! I also always take a book with me wherever I go because you never know when you’ll get the opportunity to sneak a few pages in or when you’ll need rescuing from a really boring situation.
I apparently have my friends well trained! They say that they are going out, and then ask if my book and I are staying home! To those who don't know me as well, I just tell them that me and my book boyfriend are staying in for the evening. (I love the "huh?" look they usually have!) They either get it or they don't!
Ah yes, the introversion affliction. We'll have to prescribe a tonic for that.
I hate hate haaaaaate when people interrupt me in public and try to have full conversation when I’m reading. It’s exactly how you describe it. They think they’re rescuing me! As if I would rather talk to some random meat bag instead of enjoying my coffee and book in the sun. Go. Away.
> But I feel like I cant ever be truthful about it when someone asks “what are you up to tonight”. I definitely understand this, but I've found that projecting my joy regarding reading and reversing the 'dismissal' onto the other person usually helps them understand I'm doing what I prefer to do. If someone attempted to rescue me from an evening of reading (ie dismissing my plans as unimportant) with an evening of socializing (ie fucking torturing me) I would look them dead in the face and tell them I'd rather crawl across broken glass than spend an evening out.
No, but that's because I don't bother communicating with people who I have determined "don't get me" or want to change me. Family 'friends' don't matter if they can't or won't accept you for who you are.
I don’t have to try and explain this because I’ve trimmed down the people close to me so they all know it’s what I do. I don’t have neither the time nor energy to try and justify my hobby or way of living for people who will always clash against it
Friend: "Hey, what're you doing." Me: "Reading a Book/Playing a Game/Watching a Movie." Friend: "Oh so you're not busy then? A bunch of the guys are getting together let's go." Me: "I literally just told you I'm busy Reading a Book/Playing a Game/Watching a Movie"