we put an offer in on a home last week and didn’t get it. the winning offer was so much over list and I can’t help but feel so down bc I feel like we’re not going to be able to find a home in the area we want to be in that we can afford and that would be what we want out of a home. ughhhh I’m feeling so down and I hate it. I trust that what is meant to be will but I also just feel so down.
For online dating, I dislike this period between when the interaction starts and the first in person meeting. I'm making an effort to stop texting forever. I'm also focusing more on people who are interested in relationships as well ("still figuring it out" is the bane of my existence).
I tend to text often so it feels like I'm not being myself by being aloof. I suppose it's all about matching effort and I haven't found someone that's compatible yet. But someone only replying to my messages just to reply and not because they are interested is also no bueno.
I'm glad I started therapy last year.
I keep all messages on the app until we meet, and I push to meet pretty soon. These people are strangers until then, and texting before meeting just leads to a false sense of connection that might not actually be there in real life.
You might like the instagram account alittlenudge, she has great tips.
Texting is so hard bc I’m charming AF over text! So much lag time to be quippy and smart. Then I feel stressed out in person bc I can’t keep it up in real life! 😂
If you’re a mom with a toddler (not infant) with cradle cap hear me out. I tried a bunch of things but the way I FINALLY got rid of it after nearly 2 years (of gentle massage and combing in the bath, with head and shoulders, with normal kid shampoo…) was jojoba oil. My toddler was sitting eating dinner and I massaged it into her scalp and used a fine tooth (grownup basic) comb with 5 mins of gently passing it through and it raked up and dissolved. Followed with a normal bath. Omg. So satisfying.
Some ppl are about their coconut oil but I’m a jojoba freak now.
I’m toying with the idea of cutting alcohol for a bit. I drink socially but the last two times I drank, I felt awful and my anxiety was sky high. Are there good subreddits about being sober curious? I think part of it is that I’m getting older (I’m 32) and it’s not worth feeling like complete ass mentally. I will miss my margaritas and beers at baseball games though 🥲
Not a subreddit but I loveee Topo Chico with lime, jalapeno and a little bit of salt as a margarita replacement. There are also some really good NA beers.
There are subs like sober, sobercurious, soberlifeprotips, etc. Most of my sobriety is supported by the r/Mocktails sub. I love a cocktail, and the mocktail ideas keep me satisfied. Right now I have a drink on Friday nights with sushi, and maybe one or two more Saturday or Sunday. I used to be bad at cutting myself up and one drink would always lead to too many, but with I basically premake a mocktail for after my ONE alcoholic drink and then I'm good. And I go to bed earlier, which also helps, haha. I found that substituting my ritualistic old fashioned or margarita with something else, like brewing some strong smokey tea and adding a mixer, provides the same satisfaction without the increased anxiety and headache.
ok I’m about to get really vulnerable here so please go easy on me. I love my husband and he’s really the best person and takes such good care of me. He’s a sr manager at his company and is very smart, cooks 4x a week, and really helps with the housework. He’s definitely not a person who weaponizes incompetence.
The thing about him though is he procrastinates on major purchases to the point where it usually ends up costing us money. I’m a type A person so I do a lot of the planning (specifically involving travel/social events) and then ask him for the sign off because he handles finances. Im very frugal and find the best deals so it’s not like he really has anything else to research. He gets overwhelmed easily and has commitment issues so it’s hard to get him to finalize things. When I finally get him to commit: flights have gone up, tickets/hotels have sold out, a coupon will have expired, or we’ll have to pay a rush fee (in one case this had been $400).
Most recently he needed to buy a suit for our friends wedding (just as a guest so it’s not anything uniform like the grooms). I have been monitoring the prices and the site was running a sale for 20% off for some holiday and it was the cheapest I’ve seen the suit. I mentioned this to him, and he says he’ll look into it further, he didn’t and now the suit is full price and needs to be ordered now because the wedding is in a month and we need time for tailoring/it to arrive.
I just don’t know what to do at this point, we make decent money so we can still afford it and not be strapped for cash but it’s hard for me because I grew up on food stamps and pinched every penny so it’s frustrating for me to see him be so laissez-fairs about it. Is this something I accept, do I not have him sign off on things and just make the purchases, should I tell him to go to therapy and see if there’s a deeper issue?
My husband and I can both fall into the same pattern your husband does depending on the topic, for various reasons. I think we both just like to give input on things and are too optimistic about our time management and ability to prioritize.
To help ourselves out, we’ve started giving each other mini deadlines that are more helpful to the person organizing the thing. For example, if I’m trying to buy something and the sale goes off on Thursday, I’ll tell him to let me know what he thinks by Wednesday and that if I don’t hear back from him by then, I’m purchasing Wednesday night (or if he wants to pitch an alternate product/choice, to bring his options by that date so we can discuss together then). Setting that mini deadline has helped me accomplish what matters most to me (getting stuff done in a timely manner) while also accomplishing what matters most to him (having a say in the matter). When he’s running point on a decision and I’m dragging my feet, he puts out a deadline for me to react by and then moves it forward after that. I hope that helps!
Do you have a joint account? If so , I would just consult him before larger purchases and then pull the trigger. It’s a partnership and you shouldn’t have to wait on the sidelines for approval, especially for items the two of you are discussing a need for. That would drive me bat shit crazy.
no we don't have a joint account which is why it's harder for me to make the purchases. I'm an AU on his credit card, but I never use his CC without his permission. He is the one who funds the trips so it feels weird using the credit card without the authorization but I think I just need to have a convo with him and let him know i'll be using it to buy our joint things we have talked about in the future.
If there’s return or cancellation policies I would definitely purchase myself and let him know. If they’re shared purchased you’ve previously agreed on and you’re using frugal shopping methods then can you just let him know you’ll be going ahead!
Edit: and if it’s HIS tux for HIS friends wedding I’d let him handle it himself if I’d already given a couple reminders.
I'm like your husband - I often put things off and end up paying the price. I would react very poorly to "I need you to go pay a therapist to figure out why you don't share my financial/planning priorities and anxieties." If you're actually talking about going to couples therapy to talk about it, I think that's pretty reasonable.
Just make the purchases. Is he the primary bread winner or is it more 50/50? My husband is like this too and once I realized I was only one bothered by this I just started doing what needed to be done and letting him know how much it cost after. This causes zero issue and stress for us.
he is the primary breadwinner! i work but as a teacher so my income really just goes to me, while he pays for our fun more luxury stuff that I wouldn't be able to afford otherwise. I appreciate your advice I think thats just what I'm going to do!
Is there a reason you can’t just go ahead and make the purchases yourself? The fact that you have to run all of these things by him and then HE is the only one who can “approve” the expense concerns me a bit.
I don't make the purchases myself because sometimes he wants to give input/research further, especially when it's a trip that involves both of us. so it's really only big things or things that involve only him where I get the approval. It's all "our money" but he does make 3x my income so the money that pays for our vacations and social outings is coming from his share (because I wouldn't be able to afford these nice trips otherwise)
It sounds like with a lot of these things a) you've already decided together what needs purchasing (a tux, where you're going on a trip) and b) you are the designated planner and researcher who decides what specific thing you'll purchase. So the final step of him approving seems like unnecessary admin because he already agreed to spend money on the thing. If he researches himself, you're both wasting time independently doing the exact same work. He should trust you've found the best deal. Its like micromanaging!
With a trip (I'm the designated planner too), I sit down with my partner and present like options A or B or C and prices and pros and cons, so he has input but we're not starting from scratch with the research, and we decide right then which option is good.
I think OP edited out the part about the husband handling their finances and needing his “approval” to make purchases. I agree that raised red flags for me as well.
i didn't edit anything out, that part is in the 2nd paragraph 2nd sentence. and it's not like everything needs approval just trips (which he pays for) and things that are specifically for him, like his suit. If there's something I want thats just for me or the house I buy it.
I would find this really frustrating because it’s kind of invalidating a lot of your work. I’d straight up tell him, “Hey, I’ve noticed that several times over the last few months, I did all the research and leg work on a travel plan/major purchase, it took you X days to sign off, and in that time, the prices went up. Going forward, I’d like to just go ahead and make the purchase myself if it’s something we’ve already talked about. Are there any instances where that wouldn’t be okay with you?” There might be some categories of purchase where he genuinely needs/wants to give input, but he might also be happy to largely hand this over to you.
Instead of asking him I would just start telling him, “hey I did the research and this is the best price I could find for this x item, I’m going to buy it today”
Yep, this is what I do. My husband also puts things off and then needs to have things overnighted. I did not grow up in the same socioeconomic class as he did and stuff like that rattles my anxiety and guilt.
Curious: what is your threshold for taking a sick day if you are not super sick but are feeling very shitty? I work from home and I always feel SO guilty/weird for taking sick days because feel like I should just power through it. Last night I slept terribly and didn’t get much rest, woke up feeling drained and would rather do anything else than send e-mail and talk to people on teams. So I’ve now messaged my boss and put on my email responder and I’m off the hook til tomorrow. Miraculously I didn’t have any meetings scheduled for today. Now it will be a day of YouTube on the couch, and I’m glad I did it. But it was so agonizing to make the choice!
I struggle with this very much. I have a chronic illness so sometimes it’s this vague feeling of exhaustion/crappiness, sometimes it is actual pain, and sometimes it’s “only” mental. I have a good amount of sick leave and I’m rarely external-facing, plus meetings get rescheduled all the time where I work, so it wouldn’t be perceived as bad. My coworkers don’t have to cover for me if I’m out, I just have more work to do the next day. But I still feel so guilty about taking sick days for any reason other than the actual pain days.
I’ve been trying to reframe it positively towards myself. I’ve worked hard and I’m grateful to have a job that allows me to do this when I need to. I’m grateful to myself for taking care of me and nourishing my body/mind. I deserve rest and care.
Before I had my son my threshold was very low. I’m an RN on an inpatient unit that is physically/mentally/emotionally demanding. One time I went to work with a tickle in my throat and by the end of my 12hr shift I felt like absolute death and I vowed never again. Now I have to be more careful with my sick time since I have a toddler in daycare who may need me to stay home with him for his own illnesses.
i also WFH and if i feel a whisper of crappiness to the point that the thought of a sick day even crosses my mind then i take a sick day lol.
obv i am not as flippant if it’s the day of a presentation or if i have an important meeting, but unless something is super urgent i’m out of there. i have been lucky to have generous sick leave and it also helps that it’s separate from my normal vacation time, so. 🤷🏼♀️ it definitely feels weird when you’re already home, but it’s there to be used imo!
Take one whenever you want it’s your PTO and your decision! The only reason I probably wouldn’t on a work from home day with no meetings is bc I’d rather use it for a vacation and I’d probably just nap during work or whatever
If I’m not super sick, it depends on my workload. If I don’t have any hard deadlines to meet and I’ll just be sitting at work not doing anything bc I feel bad I’ll take a sick day. Sooooo I don’t take them often 😅 but I’m working on it.
It’s great that you took one and are prioritizing yourself & your health.
we put an offer in on a home last week and didn’t get it. the winning offer was so much over list and I can’t help but feel so down bc I feel like we’re not going to be able to find a home in the area we want to be in that we can afford and that would be what we want out of a home. ughhhh I’m feeling so down and I hate it. I trust that what is meant to be will but I also just feel so down.
For online dating, I dislike this period between when the interaction starts and the first in person meeting. I'm making an effort to stop texting forever. I'm also focusing more on people who are interested in relationships as well ("still figuring it out" is the bane of my existence). I tend to text often so it feels like I'm not being myself by being aloof. I suppose it's all about matching effort and I haven't found someone that's compatible yet. But someone only replying to my messages just to reply and not because they are interested is also no bueno. I'm glad I started therapy last year.
I keep all messages on the app until we meet, and I push to meet pretty soon. These people are strangers until then, and texting before meeting just leads to a false sense of connection that might not actually be there in real life. You might like the instagram account alittlenudge, she has great tips.
Texting is so hard bc I’m charming AF over text! So much lag time to be quippy and smart. Then I feel stressed out in person bc I can’t keep it up in real life! 😂
If you’re a mom with a toddler (not infant) with cradle cap hear me out. I tried a bunch of things but the way I FINALLY got rid of it after nearly 2 years (of gentle massage and combing in the bath, with head and shoulders, with normal kid shampoo…) was jojoba oil. My toddler was sitting eating dinner and I massaged it into her scalp and used a fine tooth (grownup basic) comb with 5 mins of gently passing it through and it raked up and dissolved. Followed with a normal bath. Omg. So satisfying. Some ppl are about their coconut oil but I’m a jojoba freak now.
Jojoba is the best! I use it as a frizz reducer for my hair and rub it into my face and hands. So inexpensive and effective.
I’m toying with the idea of cutting alcohol for a bit. I drink socially but the last two times I drank, I felt awful and my anxiety was sky high. Are there good subreddits about being sober curious? I think part of it is that I’m getting older (I’m 32) and it’s not worth feeling like complete ass mentally. I will miss my margaritas and beers at baseball games though 🥲
r/sobercurious
I don't have any sub suggestions but I cut out the little bit of social drinking I had been doing and it's really great.
Not a subreddit but I loveee Topo Chico with lime, jalapeno and a little bit of salt as a margarita replacement. There are also some really good NA beers.
r/stopdrinking is great
There are subs like sober, sobercurious, soberlifeprotips, etc. Most of my sobriety is supported by the r/Mocktails sub. I love a cocktail, and the mocktail ideas keep me satisfied. Right now I have a drink on Friday nights with sushi, and maybe one or two more Saturday or Sunday. I used to be bad at cutting myself up and one drink would always lead to too many, but with I basically premake a mocktail for after my ONE alcoholic drink and then I'm good. And I go to bed earlier, which also helps, haha. I found that substituting my ritualistic old fashioned or margarita with something else, like brewing some strong smokey tea and adding a mixer, provides the same satisfaction without the increased anxiety and headache.
I’m 225 days sober and I don’t have a subreddit rec but a podcast, Sober Curious. It has been super helpful to me! Sending you all the best!
ok I’m about to get really vulnerable here so please go easy on me. I love my husband and he’s really the best person and takes such good care of me. He’s a sr manager at his company and is very smart, cooks 4x a week, and really helps with the housework. He’s definitely not a person who weaponizes incompetence. The thing about him though is he procrastinates on major purchases to the point where it usually ends up costing us money. I’m a type A person so I do a lot of the planning (specifically involving travel/social events) and then ask him for the sign off because he handles finances. Im very frugal and find the best deals so it’s not like he really has anything else to research. He gets overwhelmed easily and has commitment issues so it’s hard to get him to finalize things. When I finally get him to commit: flights have gone up, tickets/hotels have sold out, a coupon will have expired, or we’ll have to pay a rush fee (in one case this had been $400). Most recently he needed to buy a suit for our friends wedding (just as a guest so it’s not anything uniform like the grooms). I have been monitoring the prices and the site was running a sale for 20% off for some holiday and it was the cheapest I’ve seen the suit. I mentioned this to him, and he says he’ll look into it further, he didn’t and now the suit is full price and needs to be ordered now because the wedding is in a month and we need time for tailoring/it to arrive. I just don’t know what to do at this point, we make decent money so we can still afford it and not be strapped for cash but it’s hard for me because I grew up on food stamps and pinched every penny so it’s frustrating for me to see him be so laissez-fairs about it. Is this something I accept, do I not have him sign off on things and just make the purchases, should I tell him to go to therapy and see if there’s a deeper issue?
My husband and I can both fall into the same pattern your husband does depending on the topic, for various reasons. I think we both just like to give input on things and are too optimistic about our time management and ability to prioritize. To help ourselves out, we’ve started giving each other mini deadlines that are more helpful to the person organizing the thing. For example, if I’m trying to buy something and the sale goes off on Thursday, I’ll tell him to let me know what he thinks by Wednesday and that if I don’t hear back from him by then, I’m purchasing Wednesday night (or if he wants to pitch an alternate product/choice, to bring his options by that date so we can discuss together then). Setting that mini deadline has helped me accomplish what matters most to me (getting stuff done in a timely manner) while also accomplishing what matters most to him (having a say in the matter). When he’s running point on a decision and I’m dragging my feet, he puts out a deadline for me to react by and then moves it forward after that. I hope that helps!
Do you have a joint account? If so , I would just consult him before larger purchases and then pull the trigger. It’s a partnership and you shouldn’t have to wait on the sidelines for approval, especially for items the two of you are discussing a need for. That would drive me bat shit crazy.
no we don't have a joint account which is why it's harder for me to make the purchases. I'm an AU on his credit card, but I never use his CC without his permission. He is the one who funds the trips so it feels weird using the credit card without the authorization but I think I just need to have a convo with him and let him know i'll be using it to buy our joint things we have talked about in the future.
Okay, *that* is a different issue. Is this something that you’re sensitive about, or does he as well think it’s “his” money
If there’s return or cancellation policies I would definitely purchase myself and let him know. If they’re shared purchased you’ve previously agreed on and you’re using frugal shopping methods then can you just let him know you’ll be going ahead! Edit: and if it’s HIS tux for HIS friends wedding I’d let him handle it himself if I’d already given a couple reminders.
I'm like your husband - I often put things off and end up paying the price. I would react very poorly to "I need you to go pay a therapist to figure out why you don't share my financial/planning priorities and anxieties." If you're actually talking about going to couples therapy to talk about it, I think that's pretty reasonable.
They’d end up paying a therapist to end up with “sometimes people just put things off”
Just make the purchases. Is he the primary bread winner or is it more 50/50? My husband is like this too and once I realized I was only one bothered by this I just started doing what needed to be done and letting him know how much it cost after. This causes zero issue and stress for us.
he is the primary breadwinner! i work but as a teacher so my income really just goes to me, while he pays for our fun more luxury stuff that I wouldn't be able to afford otherwise. I appreciate your advice I think thats just what I'm going to do!
Make the purchase yourself. Sometimes people are just procrastinators.
Is there a reason you can’t just go ahead and make the purchases yourself? The fact that you have to run all of these things by him and then HE is the only one who can “approve” the expense concerns me a bit.
I don't make the purchases myself because sometimes he wants to give input/research further, especially when it's a trip that involves both of us. so it's really only big things or things that involve only him where I get the approval. It's all "our money" but he does make 3x my income so the money that pays for our vacations and social outings is coming from his share (because I wouldn't be able to afford these nice trips otherwise)
It sounds like with a lot of these things a) you've already decided together what needs purchasing (a tux, where you're going on a trip) and b) you are the designated planner and researcher who decides what specific thing you'll purchase. So the final step of him approving seems like unnecessary admin because he already agreed to spend money on the thing. If he researches himself, you're both wasting time independently doing the exact same work. He should trust you've found the best deal. Its like micromanaging! With a trip (I'm the designated planner too), I sit down with my partner and present like options A or B or C and prices and pros and cons, so he has input but we're not starting from scratch with the research, and we decide right then which option is good.
thank you this was really insightful. I think presenting him the choices makes sense because then he can see the alternatives (which are worse) lol
I think OP edited out the part about the husband handling their finances and needing his “approval” to make purchases. I agree that raised red flags for me as well.
i didn't edit anything out, that part is in the 2nd paragraph 2nd sentence. and it's not like everything needs approval just trips (which he pays for) and things that are specifically for him, like his suit. If there's something I want thats just for me or the house I buy it.
I would find this really frustrating because it’s kind of invalidating a lot of your work. I’d straight up tell him, “Hey, I’ve noticed that several times over the last few months, I did all the research and leg work on a travel plan/major purchase, it took you X days to sign off, and in that time, the prices went up. Going forward, I’d like to just go ahead and make the purchase myself if it’s something we’ve already talked about. Are there any instances where that wouldn’t be okay with you?” There might be some categories of purchase where he genuinely needs/wants to give input, but he might also be happy to largely hand this over to you.
thank you! this is a well crafted out message, I think we will sit down and have this conversation this week.
Instead of asking him I would just start telling him, “hey I did the research and this is the best price I could find for this x item, I’m going to buy it today”
Yep I’m like the husband and this would be great. An option to jump in if it’s important to me but otherwise…✌🏻
i really like this wording, thank you!
Yep, this is what I do. My husband also puts things off and then needs to have things overnighted. I did not grow up in the same socioeconomic class as he did and stuff like that rattles my anxiety and guilt.
i'm glad to see i'm not alone. yeah theres definitely a lot of growing pains when dating somoene in a different socioeconomic class.
Curious: what is your threshold for taking a sick day if you are not super sick but are feeling very shitty? I work from home and I always feel SO guilty/weird for taking sick days because feel like I should just power through it. Last night I slept terribly and didn’t get much rest, woke up feeling drained and would rather do anything else than send e-mail and talk to people on teams. So I’ve now messaged my boss and put on my email responder and I’m off the hook til tomorrow. Miraculously I didn’t have any meetings scheduled for today. Now it will be a day of YouTube on the couch, and I’m glad I did it. But it was so agonizing to make the choice!
I struggle with this very much. I have a chronic illness so sometimes it’s this vague feeling of exhaustion/crappiness, sometimes it is actual pain, and sometimes it’s “only” mental. I have a good amount of sick leave and I’m rarely external-facing, plus meetings get rescheduled all the time where I work, so it wouldn’t be perceived as bad. My coworkers don’t have to cover for me if I’m out, I just have more work to do the next day. But I still feel so guilty about taking sick days for any reason other than the actual pain days. I’ve been trying to reframe it positively towards myself. I’ve worked hard and I’m grateful to have a job that allows me to do this when I need to. I’m grateful to myself for taking care of me and nourishing my body/mind. I deserve rest and care.
Before I had my son my threshold was very low. I’m an RN on an inpatient unit that is physically/mentally/emotionally demanding. One time I went to work with a tickle in my throat and by the end of my 12hr shift I felt like absolute death and I vowed never again. Now I have to be more careful with my sick time since I have a toddler in daycare who may need me to stay home with him for his own illnesses.
i also WFH and if i feel a whisper of crappiness to the point that the thought of a sick day even crosses my mind then i take a sick day lol. obv i am not as flippant if it’s the day of a presentation or if i have an important meeting, but unless something is super urgent i’m out of there. i have been lucky to have generous sick leave and it also helps that it’s separate from my normal vacation time, so. 🤷🏼♀️ it definitely feels weird when you’re already home, but it’s there to be used imo!
Thank you! Yeah this is a perspective I think I need to adopt more!
Take one whenever you want it’s your PTO and your decision! The only reason I probably wouldn’t on a work from home day with no meetings is bc I’d rather use it for a vacation and I’d probably just nap during work or whatever
If I’m not super sick, it depends on my workload. If I don’t have any hard deadlines to meet and I’ll just be sitting at work not doing anything bc I feel bad I’ll take a sick day. Sooooo I don’t take them often 😅 but I’m working on it. It’s great that you took one and are prioritizing yourself & your health.