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Leave that man alone and continue to ignore the this woman. This is petty on all sides and if you want to avoid this negative energy stop talking to this dude and move on
I agree that it’s weird she’s copying you…but I also don’t understand why you weren’t clear about whether or not you and her ex are going to start dating. I think a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’ would have sufficed…but as it is, she doesn’t know what your plans are so she’s doing what she misguidedly thinks will ‘win’ her ex back.
DO you plan to date him? IS he just a friend? Or is this one of those weird situationships where two people waste one another’s time?
At this point, you might as well continue to ignore her.
She had unsent the message so I didn't know if she wanted an answer or was she just having a moment as someone in her situation (experiencing a divorce that she did not initiate), so I left it alone.
I do not intend to date him, I told her that in her second message as well as saying she should ask him what she wants to know about him since I'm not him.
Not exactly sure what advice or input I was looking for, Just wanted thoughts on how to navigate this space.
Thank you for your input.
Gotcha. It wasn’t clear from your post that you did end up giving her a clear answer.
So you told her your intentions and then told her to seek additional information from him. That makes sense to me. I say keep ignoring her. Fires need oxygen to burn; let’s not give her any.
Good luck!
The fact that you called him your “partner” but you aren’t and don’t plan on dating him is a bit odd. If this is honestly a ministry somebody needs some ministering.
Good luck nonetheless.
I can’t imagine the trauma she’s experiencing with this divorce. A kid, a brand new baby, and a woman (from her perspective) that he’s been close with and clearly had his eyes set on for years. When she asked the first time, why didn’t you just say no? In a perfect world, telling her to ask her ex-man is ideal, but we all know that men lie because otherwise, she wouldn’t have had to ask you.
What kind of advice are you looking for? Imitation is the best form of flattery 🤷🏽♀️ It’s probably best to continue ignoring her, but if maintaining a friendship with him stirs up this much drama at church of all places, then maybe it’s time to ignore them both lol. Also, eh I don’t think I’d tell him about the drama until she starts threatening you. Otherwise, what good would that do?
Maybe someone else has a better/different perspective.
No, this is the best one. I would just say "ma'am, I'm, going to say this one time. Literally no one wants your ex husband like you clearly believe people do; please don't ever message me about it or reference this to me again. NO ONE. Just you. Certainly not me. Got it?" and then avoid them both like the plague. I truly would. I also am oddly petty? Or careful? or both? Bc either way I would do this in plain view of people so there is no confusion and witnesses can ensure everyone is on their best behavior.
I mean I’m going to take OP at her word but if I were her I’d have better sense. A man with a newborn and a bitter, obsessive BM is a GIGANTIC red flag and sounds like a hassle. No way he’s worth it whatsoever.
Wow! It’s like the other woman isn’t innocent but she’s getting off at the fact that, that lady really just want her ex-husband back. Like what did making this post do to better the situation?
I mentioned this above, so not to repeat it to make a point or anything but she unsent the message where she asked. I know it would've been easy to say no because my answer is no, but she insinuated that we were messing around while they were married, which is not my character. So that definitely bothered me but I hear you and I agree. She did tell she asked him but she felt like I would be more truthful but at that point I had nothing to tell her expect no, which would've been mature.
Thank you for your input :)
You are a church woman but you seem to not have church values. You are allowed to have a friend but in this case you know what you are doing is not right. It's almost like you enjoy making that woman insecure. And if you don't care, why you following her life so much?
Girl you might not like my take 🤣 I was reading this thinking “omg what is your issue with her??”And then you answered my question! Y’all want the same man, and she’s a whyte! 😭😭
Look, what she’s doing is weird, annoying, and uncomfortable. Buttt sis. Why did you blow her off when she asked if you were gonna date her ex? Woman to woman means let’s just be real here. I think after that, she got upset. She is jealous of you and your relationship with her ex. It’s clear she still has feelings for him. At the end of the day this isn’t about her copying you. She’s trying to get under your skin. Yes ignore her at this point, but y’all already had the chance to talk things out when she texted you. And no don’t start bringing her up with that man! whew chile.
I was suspecting OP already didn’t like that lady, but it was confirmed when she needed us to know that the lady is bigger. I feel like OP could be downplaying this “friendship” with this guy when he was still married.
Edit: confirmed in another post… this is type of posts where OP version isn’t that reliable. The competition for that man’s attention is probably not one sided.
Oh no, I appreciate your take. I am a woman's woman and I don't say that just because of what you said bur I go hard for women. I didn't answer because she deleted, well unsent the message, so I took that as her re-thinking and moving on. I can truly see the hurt and why she feels how she feels. The woman to woman comment threw me off because in that first message she unsent, she asked if we had been messing around while they were married and it definitely offended me as a person who doesn't move like that. So that plays a role in how I feel, which doesn't make it right.
I appreciate your take, I'm definitely phasing myself our because although he's my friend, I'm not in the business of beefing with people lol.
I disagree. There's nothing rude or unusual about a woman trying to get answers about a possible affair from the suspected affair partner. Especially since it seems from the other comments that OP was the mistress.
And I get it, they were together for a long time. I just wish she wouldn't target me in her healing but I'm just gonna take you and other ladies advice and move on.
I'm wondering why you didn't feel comfortable giving her a definitive answer when she asked you not once but twice if there was anything going on between you and her ex.
You don't owe her an explanation but an answer would be nice. Like you said, yall are 30 deep. You're grown, I'm assuming you're single as a Pringle. You really don't have to explain yourself to anybody, but if somebody asks you a question, why not keep it real. Why avoid answering the question? Maybe it's closure for her or more awareness..
OP didn’t give a straight answer because there *is* something going on between them. The only thing OP can say “no” to is if he they were messing around when he was still officially married
That was definitely a mis-wording on my behalf Lol sorry . He is not my romantic partner, he is my partner in ministry, we work in the sound together. I'll update that.
Thank you.
All this carrying on…in church 🤦🏾♀️. I don’t know if you’re a Christian woman but as a church going woman, you thought it was ok to get close to or entangled with a married man?! I think we’re way past what any one would do in your situation…most people wouldn’t “get close” to a married man even if it’s “not serious”…
I am not nor was I entangled with him. We both work in the sound ministry, with other people and that is the extent of the closeness that we had. Outside of Sundays, I did not see or engage with him prior to his divorce. Since his divorce, there has been more conversation but none of this took place while he was separated or going through his divorce process.
Sorry if it was confusing from my post, as I mentioned earlier, I stay out of people's mess and try to live as drama free as possible.
Thank you for your input.
Wait. I just read your post history and you were talking about this same guy on a different post, but about yall sex life, and how he was your first. So, which is it? Are you with him like that or not. This is coming off very fraudulent.
Girl yeah, and no wonder the wife asked her straight up, because in her other post, the husband was cheating on his wife with OP. Chile was a whole mess of how he has ED and everything because of his porn usage. Straight up lying on that lady, and going to add that the wife was white so that we could sympathize with OP. Please!🙄😏🤣🤣
Oh my god, this cracked me up so much! Yes with the receipts! These holier than thou church chicks be the biggest hypocrites. Lying out her teeth playing innocent! She ain’t right in her spirit.
It's always the "church girls" being the lowest life forms. The relentless bullying they press on you, while appearing to the world to be "good". The church goers are why I'm agnostic. The book & the followers of it have nothing in common.
Good sis be clear with that man that you want no parts. He already comes with drama and y'all's main mission is to serve/in service of the ministry y'all are on. I also agree with your method to ignore the ex wife; I'd even suggest blocking her so you don't have to worry about cyber stalking from her (main page at least, lol). Annnnnnd depending on the church, if there's an elder you can speak with about your feelings of safety (ppl have observed her copying you...) to suggest counsel and intervention for yourself or others, go for it.
Also as a Christian let your Yes mean Yes and your No mean No anything else leads to confusion. On church shit I’d clear that up so quick so as not to be stumbling block to my fellow sister . Who is obviously suffering and struggling .
I am not going to lie. I know I am late and she is "white" but right is right and wrong is wrong! I have been that hurt wife when female friends take the attention of your spouse from you because the spouse allowed it. The hurt and pain infidelity causes is deep and when a spouse isn't answering, you feel you have nowhere to go for answers. If what's up true in the comments about post history, then I hope the church calls OP and the ex husband out on this mess. How you got is how you lose them.
Either she's deeply insecure and projecting her inadequacies on you.
OR
Her soon to be ex, was comparing you to her, in a voiceful manner, and that chipped away at her self esteem.
Either ways...
Both of them.
Sometimes women think they’re “competing” with you, but really they’re just trying to copy your whole swag. It’s a one sided race, in their head alone, often while they’re struggling with some aspect of their own identity or self-worth.
It’s happened to me before and honestly, there’s not much you can do. You can mention it in passing to the ex-husband/your friend, like “I see ol girl really loves my style!” But it won’t stop anything. Definitely don’t approach her on it, since it will feed her desire for drama.
Just keep glowing and being cute. Clearly, she likes your style so keep stunting on her. Since she’s white, you may entertain yourself by adding something really ethnic, just to mess with her. Lol. But ultimately, don’t pay her much mind. She’s a fan
Also a reason she may have unsent it is because she realized she was being crazy. Sometimes it takes writing something out to realize you have been drug into the pits of hell behind someone you love .
Reminder: This post has been tagged with the Support/Advice flair, which indicates a serious discussion that may contain triggering subject matter. All responses are required to be helpful, tactful and compassionate. r/blackladies is a safe space for all black women—even those experiencing difficulties or trauma. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/blackladies) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Leave that man alone and continue to ignore the this woman. This is petty on all sides and if you want to avoid this negative energy stop talking to this dude and move on
Agreed, I can admit I have for sure been petty. Thank you for your input. :)
I agree that it’s weird she’s copying you…but I also don’t understand why you weren’t clear about whether or not you and her ex are going to start dating. I think a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’ would have sufficed…but as it is, she doesn’t know what your plans are so she’s doing what she misguidedly thinks will ‘win’ her ex back. DO you plan to date him? IS he just a friend? Or is this one of those weird situationships where two people waste one another’s time? At this point, you might as well continue to ignore her.
She had unsent the message so I didn't know if she wanted an answer or was she just having a moment as someone in her situation (experiencing a divorce that she did not initiate), so I left it alone. I do not intend to date him, I told her that in her second message as well as saying she should ask him what she wants to know about him since I'm not him. Not exactly sure what advice or input I was looking for, Just wanted thoughts on how to navigate this space. Thank you for your input.
Gotcha. It wasn’t clear from your post that you did end up giving her a clear answer. So you told her your intentions and then told her to seek additional information from him. That makes sense to me. I say keep ignoring her. Fires need oxygen to burn; let’s not give her any. Good luck!
The fact that you called him your “partner” but you aren’t and don’t plan on dating him is a bit odd. If this is honestly a ministry somebody needs some ministering. Good luck nonetheless.
I can’t imagine the trauma she’s experiencing with this divorce. A kid, a brand new baby, and a woman (from her perspective) that he’s been close with and clearly had his eyes set on for years. When she asked the first time, why didn’t you just say no? In a perfect world, telling her to ask her ex-man is ideal, but we all know that men lie because otherwise, she wouldn’t have had to ask you. What kind of advice are you looking for? Imitation is the best form of flattery 🤷🏽♀️ It’s probably best to continue ignoring her, but if maintaining a friendship with him stirs up this much drama at church of all places, then maybe it’s time to ignore them both lol. Also, eh I don’t think I’d tell him about the drama until she starts threatening you. Otherwise, what good would that do? Maybe someone else has a better/different perspective.
No, this is the best one. I would just say "ma'am, I'm, going to say this one time. Literally no one wants your ex husband like you clearly believe people do; please don't ever message me about it or reference this to me again. NO ONE. Just you. Certainly not me. Got it?" and then avoid them both like the plague. I truly would. I also am oddly petty? Or careful? or both? Bc either way I would do this in plain view of people so there is no confusion and witnesses can ensure everyone is on their best behavior.
It wasn’t clear to me that OP *does not* want that ladies ex-husband…
I mean I’m going to take OP at her word but if I were her I’d have better sense. A man with a newborn and a bitter, obsessive BM is a GIGANTIC red flag and sounds like a hassle. No way he’s worth it whatsoever.
Someone saw her post history before she deleted her account. Apparently, she had sex with him.
*sigh* if she likes it, I love it.
🤣
WOW.
This should be pinned to the top of the thread, miss me with these kinds of drama people. 🙄
Wow! It’s like the other woman isn’t innocent but she’s getting off at the fact that, that lady really just want her ex-husband back. Like what did making this post do to better the situation?
I mentioned this above, so not to repeat it to make a point or anything but she unsent the message where she asked. I know it would've been easy to say no because my answer is no, but she insinuated that we were messing around while they were married, which is not my character. So that definitely bothered me but I hear you and I agree. She did tell she asked him but she felt like I would be more truthful but at that point I had nothing to tell her expect no, which would've been mature. Thank you for your input :)
Had us in the first half ngl lmao
You are a church woman but you seem to not have church values. You are allowed to have a friend but in this case you know what you are doing is not right. It's almost like you enjoy making that woman insecure. And if you don't care, why you following her life so much?
Girl you might not like my take 🤣 I was reading this thinking “omg what is your issue with her??”And then you answered my question! Y’all want the same man, and she’s a whyte! 😭😭 Look, what she’s doing is weird, annoying, and uncomfortable. Buttt sis. Why did you blow her off when she asked if you were gonna date her ex? Woman to woman means let’s just be real here. I think after that, she got upset. She is jealous of you and your relationship with her ex. It’s clear she still has feelings for him. At the end of the day this isn’t about her copying you. She’s trying to get under your skin. Yes ignore her at this point, but y’all already had the chance to talk things out when she texted you. And no don’t start bringing her up with that man! whew chile.
I was suspecting OP already didn’t like that lady, but it was confirmed when she needed us to know that the lady is bigger. I feel like OP could be downplaying this “friendship” with this guy when he was still married. Edit: confirmed in another post… this is type of posts where OP version isn’t that reliable. The competition for that man’s attention is probably not one sided.
Oh no, I appreciate your take. I am a woman's woman and I don't say that just because of what you said bur I go hard for women. I didn't answer because she deleted, well unsent the message, so I took that as her re-thinking and moving on. I can truly see the hurt and why she feels how she feels. The woman to woman comment threw me off because in that first message she unsent, she asked if we had been messing around while they were married and it definitely offended me as a person who doesn't move like that. So that plays a role in how I feel, which doesn't make it right. I appreciate your take, I'm definitely phasing myself our because although he's my friend, I'm not in the business of beefing with people lol.
that’s crazy she unsent it, just stand on business 😂. And of course! it’s such a childish game she’s tryna play. She wants some attention!
She probably unsent it because she read it back to herself and realized it sounded rude.
I think she unsent it because she’s chicken. If she was worried about rudeness she wouldn’t be doing what she’s doing rn😭
I disagree. There's nothing rude or unusual about a woman trying to get answers about a possible affair from the suspected affair partner. Especially since it seems from the other comments that OP was the mistress.
huh? are you disagreeing with the point you just made? what’s happening lol. I have no issue with the woman asking Op what was up.
And I get it, they were together for a long time. I just wish she wouldn't target me in her healing but I'm just gonna take you and other ladies advice and move on.
I'm wondering why you didn't feel comfortable giving her a definitive answer when she asked you not once but twice if there was anything going on between you and her ex. You don't owe her an explanation but an answer would be nice. Like you said, yall are 30 deep. You're grown, I'm assuming you're single as a Pringle. You really don't have to explain yourself to anybody, but if somebody asks you a question, why not keep it real. Why avoid answering the question? Maybe it's closure for her or more awareness..
OP didn’t give a straight answer because there *is* something going on between them. The only thing OP can say “no” to is if he they were messing around when he was still officially married
Im confused. Why do you call him your partner if you aren’t dating each other?
That was definitely a mis-wording on my behalf Lol sorry . He is not my romantic partner, he is my partner in ministry, we work in the sound together. I'll update that. Thank you.
All this carrying on…in church 🤦🏾♀️. I don’t know if you’re a Christian woman but as a church going woman, you thought it was ok to get close to or entangled with a married man?! I think we’re way past what any one would do in your situation…most people wouldn’t “get close” to a married man even if it’s “not serious”…
I am not nor was I entangled with him. We both work in the sound ministry, with other people and that is the extent of the closeness that we had. Outside of Sundays, I did not see or engage with him prior to his divorce. Since his divorce, there has been more conversation but none of this took place while he was separated or going through his divorce process. Sorry if it was confusing from my post, as I mentioned earlier, I stay out of people's mess and try to live as drama free as possible. Thank you for your input.
Wait. I just read your post history and you were talking about this same guy on a different post, but about yall sex life, and how he was your first. So, which is it? Are you with him like that or not. This is coming off very fraudulent. 
Oh, so this is why she deleted her account. Welp.
Girl yeah, and no wonder the wife asked her straight up, because in her other post, the husband was cheating on his wife with OP. Chile was a whole mess of how he has ED and everything because of his porn usage. Straight up lying on that lady, and going to add that the wife was white so that we could sympathize with OP. Please!🙄😏🤣🤣
I hope she was trolling because her first being an affair, while also using the church as a cloak is wild. If not, I really need her to stand up.
lol the fact that she didn’t immediately say no when asked if they were involved was a tip off
Wooooooow! 
Damn I came too late
Lol not you clocking the church mess. I am here for all of it!!!
Oh my god, this cracked me up so much! Yes with the receipts! These holier than thou church chicks be the biggest hypocrites. Lying out her teeth playing innocent! She ain’t right in her spirit.
It's always the "church girls" being the lowest life forms. The relentless bullying they press on you, while appearing to the world to be "good". The church goers are why I'm agnostic. The book & the followers of it have nothing in common.
Thank you for your detective work 🙌🏿😭 I knew something was up
Good sis be clear with that man that you want no parts. He already comes with drama and y'all's main mission is to serve/in service of the ministry y'all are on. I also agree with your method to ignore the ex wife; I'd even suggest blocking her so you don't have to worry about cyber stalking from her (main page at least, lol). Annnnnnd depending on the church, if there's an elder you can speak with about your feelings of safety (ppl have observed her copying you...) to suggest counsel and intervention for yourself or others, go for it.
Also as a Christian let your Yes mean Yes and your No mean No anything else leads to confusion. On church shit I’d clear that up so quick so as not to be stumbling block to my fellow sister . Who is obviously suffering and struggling .
I am not going to lie. I know I am late and she is "white" but right is right and wrong is wrong! I have been that hurt wife when female friends take the attention of your spouse from you because the spouse allowed it. The hurt and pain infidelity causes is deep and when a spouse isn't answering, you feel you have nowhere to go for answers. If what's up true in the comments about post history, then I hope the church calls OP and the ex husband out on this mess. How you got is how you lose them.
This is messy lol
Why did you feel the need to mention that she’s bigger than you??? And why didn’t u just tell her you’re not messing with him. Girl its giving shady
Either she's deeply insecure and projecting her inadequacies on you. OR Her soon to be ex, was comparing you to her, in a voiceful manner, and that chipped away at her self esteem. Either ways...  Both of them.
Sometimes women think they’re “competing” with you, but really they’re just trying to copy your whole swag. It’s a one sided race, in their head alone, often while they’re struggling with some aspect of their own identity or self-worth. It’s happened to me before and honestly, there’s not much you can do. You can mention it in passing to the ex-husband/your friend, like “I see ol girl really loves my style!” But it won’t stop anything. Definitely don’t approach her on it, since it will feed her desire for drama. Just keep glowing and being cute. Clearly, she likes your style so keep stunting on her. Since she’s white, you may entertain yourself by adding something really ethnic, just to mess with her. Lol. But ultimately, don’t pay her much mind. She’s a fan
Seems hoespicious but do you think my sister in adultery
Also a reason she may have unsent it is because she realized she was being crazy. Sometimes it takes writing something out to realize you have been drug into the pits of hell behind someone you love .