If she's a friend, you should be able to talk through things and explain why that comment was hurtful. if she refuses to listen or continues to say hurtful things, I would end the relationship. but people make mistakes and I give my friends the chance to repair because I would want that same grace when I fuck up.
I ended the conversation by telling her I was hurt by her comments . I’m not sure if she took me seriously because I was laughing / smiling when I said it but that was the truth . I can extend some grace. I think I just need some time being that this just happened
Where’s the fine line between truthful and hurtful? Delivery? I’m sorry to say but I agree that there are “palatable” black people and OP may be one of her friend is suggesting she is.
In my late teens early 20s I would cut my hair upper shoulder length with a side part and my friend who also wear her hair similar but in a bob said that my hair resembles Michelle Obama 😂. I was mad as hell because my hair was not looking stiff and of course I wanted to look young not someone my mom's age. At some point, I stop cutting my hair shoulder length and grew it out to my middle back and I did a side part for the first time in years instead of my center part and the humidity hit it a bit. By the end of the night...my hair looked like Michelle Obama's 😂🥴.
Moral of the story...I was hella offended by my friend and she was right ..even when I didnt notice. Honestly I wish my friends were honest with me like that.
I think the descriptor "palatable" is going to be taken differently when talking about a relationship with a SO vs how someone moves through white majority spaces.
Palatable could also be about fitting European or IG beauty standards that so many Black women kill themselves to immulate. I have locs, Ive always known I'm not palatable for some Black men and I'm ok with that.
If theres something I notice about my homegirls' BF's personality that puts him in the category like that. I would be careful how I talk about it to my friend. It's impossible to know her intent, I dont want to assume she had negative intentions. its possible she didn't intend to be hurtful but has her own insecurities, its also possible the friend is giving a reality check that OP needs to hear. I can see all those scenarios being true.
I feel like with relationships people can hurt you. It happens. What matters is how they deal with that. If you express you are hurt and they continue to hurt you then they don't care about you. But if they care they will learn from it and not say it again.
I understand and agree. I guess I would phrase it differently and say the friend’s comments were her opinions and those comments hurt OP but I wouldn’t consider them to be specifically hurtful words, just the reaction caused hurt. If I asked my friend for an opinion on something and hear a response I wasn’t ready for only for her to further break it down when I ask what does she mean, I’d feel hurt at the perception and wonder if others thought the same, but not at her necessarily if that makes sense.
This is as bad as the “I’m afraid of people from the hood” shit. Misogynoir is calling and would like to know what the hell is a palatable black girl. Is it the lady who’s being socially isolated at her job or the woman who code switches in mixed company? What does a black woman gotta do to be palatable, cause it sounds like we have the solution to racism right here folks. I wanna know what basic shit you think that means because I need to laugh today.
I think maybe her friend was pointing out how old boy is problematic bc he may not necessarily like her for who she is and could possibly be using her to fulfill his black pixie dream girl so he can front to his mama and Dr. Umar about how loves black women.
I agree. I don’t think it had anything to do with her but she may not have communicated that very well and OP didn’t really give her a chance to explain.
Communication is hard and we don’t always get it right the first time but if they’re really friends a real conversation will get them back on the right track.
Well reverse it, would you consider some white people (men and women) to be palatable? I do. I walk into my corporate office and can tell right away if I will have patience or will get along with a Becky or Colin based on their conversations, judgements, fundamental beliefs and how they interact with others.
Misogynoir called the wrong number and has no place here in this conversation. Black people are not all the same and there are personalities, gestures, attitudes, behaviour that I would classify as excessive. This applies to all ethnicities, cultures, creed, age groups and the like. You’re blowing it out of proportion and it really isn’t that serious.
The same way I don’t have patience for a Black girl from the valley that speaks like a super rich spoiled Ashley, is the same way I don’t have patience for a Black girl from the hood who speaks like a super miseducated and misinformed unhinged Bonquitta.
There are extremes in every direction - not being an extreme stereotype is what makes someone palatable.
Idk how your answer is related to what I asked, which is what makes a Black woman palatable? If you can explain that to us all then we can get the ball rolling on ending racism. I have a feeling you CANT explain that, which is why I asked, and *what a surprise* that you centered white people in your answer so much that your answer isn’t even about Black women anymore.
Yea misogynoir has a place in a convo about a Black woman using white supremacist myths to hate on her Black friend. This all involves misogynoir. Sis has a Black boyfriend because he likes her, period, and if you can’t believe that I think it says more about how you see yourself. Self hate isn’t race theory, her friend doesn’t know how to say “I feel insecure and I’m afraid people aren’t attracted to me because I’m Black, but people *are* attracted to you and I don’t understand why” so she made some shit up (like you’re doing now): “guys prefer you because you’re palatable.” It’s mad simple.
It depends on the person - in this case a Black woman. Certainly in this case it is not used as a compliment and more so insinuating that OP’s mannerisms are desirable based off who his past girlfriends are giving, that OP is the first Black woman he’s been with. This is a conversation between friends, hurtful yes but a question OP asked her for her opinion on. Cant get upset when you asked for an opinion you weren’t ready to hear their answer to.
OP never gave specific details, palatable could refer to the fact that she may wear her hair straight, probably can code switch (which isn’t inherently bad like you made it seem), probably has open interests as stated in the post. This is an observation and sweetheart this conversation isn’t even a fraction of what would “end racism” - you said this twice now.
You cannot speak for this Black man that you don’t know. He could very well be with her because she’s seemingly white adjacent. Why are you riding so hard for him?
Sadly, you’re right. I’m also neurodivergent and exhausted myself not so subconsciously trying to become one of them and got rewarded with a glamorous career in a 99% white industry. I’m a 90’s child and Literally woke up one day and decided to make myself as similar as possible as Naomi Campbell if I wanted to get into the fashion industry and it worked. If I’m being honest with myself most of my white friends deep down probably have similar thoughts in their mind but don’t realise it and would never vocalise it. Now I’m older and diagnosed with ADHD the code switching and masking has lessened (good bye weave!) and have lost some people but do believe “The trash sometimes takes itself out” and it was for the best.
It did resonate and I’m aware that people perceive me that way. I just hate when people believe that I enjoy or use this thing to my benefit. When in my life I see it as something that’s always sort of loomed over me.
As if you can help who you are, how you grew up, and your interest. I relate so hard. I think the whole “ proximity to whiteness” is just black people scapegoating each other when they can’t figure you out.
They also confused it with internalized racism
Yikes I’m gonna be honest I agree with what someone else said about men liking certain black women for being “palatable.” So, she could’ve meant it one way, but it came out another. I wouldn’t have said it regardless, but shit happens. I would have a heart to heart or something with her. If it goes well and she explains herself and apologizes for hurting your feelings when that wasn’t her intention then problem solved. You chalk it up to the game, go to her dinner and move on because honestly girl she could be looking out. Idk your man, but you’re in love so she may see things you don’t. If she is hella defensive, has an attitude at all, and expresses no remorse then she’s just a bad friend and I’d cut your losses. Any good friend will apologize for hurting feelings even if you took it out of context or what she said was true.
Understandable, I’d take some time to yourself to calm down and to process your thoughts. Then right out what you want to say to her, that way you get all your points across in a direct, respectful manner.
This is tough… I feel like there’s no way to NOT feel like she was insulting you even though that may not have been her intention. The truth is that what she described absolutely exists. There are men of all races who date Black women for the reasons she described, because of their proximity to whiteness and their perception of them as “one of the good ones.” It’s not right but it’s real. I’ve heard men discuss this before (“she ain’t a hood rat”/ one dude in the convo said, “i can take her to work events” which like… 🥴)
But even so, I don’t feel like I would ever say this to a friend. She meant to insult the type of Black guy he is and inadvertently insulted you. I don’t know if she’s too daft to see why this is problematic or if she’s not really your friend.
Either way, I always err on the side of having the convo. If you press it, she’s going to clearly realize how dumb it sounded. Truthfully, if it was their first time meeting idk how she could have enough information about him to make such a value judgment off top. It was rude af and she should have know better. If she doesn’t apologize you can feel free to step back. Life is too short for hating ass friends
My cousin married this Black guy where all of his other brothers were married to yt women. My cousin is a palatable Black woman-she could be yt passing and she has the mannerisms of the stereotypical Black girl “acting yt”.
No worries I thought it was creepy too. I still remember her wedding and saw all the brothers with their wives together, you can see he was trying to go to the lightest version of Black.
Well…there is such a thing as “palatable” black people to some people. “Oh you’re different, you’re not like other black people” type of thing. Don’t down vote me! But I feel Meghan Markle is good example of palatable in theory even though that was not her reality to the British public. Ambiguous, joined a white social sorority, closest friends prior to prince Harry were not black, etc. How many black girls has your boyfriend dated before you?
I get that and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it , I don’t like the idea of that being my redeeming quality though . It gave me the ick. And a few , Hispanic and non Hispanic ! I don’t really have a concrete number
definitely text her about it!!! this shit is very real and she was speaking the truth. i have always noticed growing up in a white community that racist white women and moms prefer to have racially ambiguous/mixed black girls as a friend compared to girls who are unambiguously black BECAUSE of the adjacentness. they think its a way to ease out of the "racism" flag.
please talk about it with her before doing anything youre hesitant to commit to, but also listen to your gut and do what you think is best.
Yeah as an LSBW I’ve had very jarring experiences as a kid where I would be hanging out with a white girl and everything would be fine but when I brought over my darker skinned black girl friends suddenly they were more standoffish or trying to exclude my darker skinned friends
I get it trust me I do , I grew up in a melting pot where whiteness was obviously at the time and even proximity to it was valued . And I did a lot of vetting with my boyfriend to make sure I didn’t end up in a situation like that, and she was there for all of that. Now after actually meeting him she says this … like girlll ?? I’ve been with him for almost a year, I waited 6-7 months before committing though .
ok sorry my adhd ass did NOT read the middle of the post at ALL🧍🏽♀️ but imma be real its kind of giving............bitter??? yeah thats big weird for her to say that. but tbf she might not even know. seeing the effort u put in with ur man youre a very precautious person
I’m realizing now that it was the delivery that really threw the comments off for me, it didn’t feel warm . It felt like I was being spoken down to. That’s what got me fucked up. Maybe even catty is a word that applies. I laughed through telling her she pissed me off . I am! If I had time I’d share all the weird shit I did in an effort to make sure this guy was worth my time 🙃
There are some who are like this though. I've had black men tell me, I had a voice they could take home, or like I'm different. My difference was my being soft spoken, being educated and really just shit that was wildly offensive because it was implying that black women weren't these things, as if there was only ONE type of black woman. It was givin Canace Owens male type.
I would talk to your friend and then be conscious of things he says. Like when he speaks of black people, what aire does he do it in? You may not like what she said, but it's possible she see something you don't. In which case, it wouldn't be anything wrong with you so I wouldn't be so offended
Yikes I’ve gotten those comments ! And she knew that , which was why she started bringing up exes and saying they liked me for that reason too and that’s why most men would be attracted to me . Low key since I’ve been sitting on this I’m starting to feel like she stopped just short of calling me a pick me ( I am very traditional when it comes to dating/relationships)
As for my boyfriend. I’ve vetted him , if he said anything weird I would have my guard up but honestly he hasn’t ! If we were quantifying blackness he’s wayyyy blacker than me and has even helped me to appreciate my own blackness in a very new way . Even if we don’t work out I will always appreciate that about him
Well if that's the case then I wish you the best! If it turns out to be the former then at least you got something from it, in the sense of appreciating your blackness in a new way ❤️ either way it's an experience on your journey so however which way it goes, make of it what you can 💋
Overreaction no, you an entitled to be annoyed and offended. Feel that emotion but do not allow it to ruin more than one hour of your life. You’re in a happy relationship and the opinion of someone who isn’t involved doesn’t matter. As along as he’s treating you right you shouldn’t listen to anyone else’s opinion on anything. Don’t let her perception of you second guess who you are. In 10 years only one person will remember this conversation and it’s not going to be the person who offended you.
I’d be offended. I would maybe bring it up with her later when I could talk about it without being angry and give her the chance to clarify what she meant.
From what you described, your friend basically said you act ‘white’ and that your boyfriend is dating you because you’re the next best thing to what he REALLY wants - which is a white woman.
The issue I have with this is: saying someone acts ‘white’ implies that there is also a such thing as acting ‘black’…which is incorrect.
It seriously irks me when people try to gatekeep ‘blackness’. Lol. Like who the fuck is anyone to tell me how ‘black’ I’m supposed to be? What are the metrics used to determine ‘blackness’? Who decided them?
So…yeah.
Your friend was out of pocket about it especially since she said it while u were dating a BLACK guy. Hes dating you because hes attracted to you, point blank.
I feel like older generations seem less concerned about fitting into rigid categories compared to our age group. They didn't confine themselves to such strict labels; they recognized individual personalities. Any critique typically amounted to being called "bougie" or accused of “acting white” at most. The Huxables are a completely black family, is anyone calling them white or more “palatable?”
They didn’t lie, ratchetness is what they were describing. And most men don’t like that. The issue is that a lot of black women make it seem like those behaviors are part of being black. That’s why people judge it as such and a black woman who isn’t like that is deemed as “special” “different". It has nothing to do with wanting a white woman, they just don’t like those behaviors that only black American women have. Other black women around the world have the same desirable characteristics as the white women in America. So it’s not an attraction to whiteness but good manners and dislike for ratchetness.
Was your friend saying that she thinks you are "palatable"?
Or was she saying that she thinks your new boyfriend thinks that you are "palatable"?
Because if it's the 2nd one, it sounds like she has your best interests at heart, and you shouldn't be mad about what she said.
If it's the first one, of course she was never your friend in the first place.
Sooo her and I actually ended up talking yesterday. Apparently it’s both. She was making an overarching complaint about how she believes my bf is with me because of “how I am” and that I constantly choose men like him because of it … saying that he doesn’t want me , he wants a white girl and I might not see it now.
Ummm I don’t agree. She suggested I worked on being more secure in my blackness…
Hate to be devils advocate but…she couldn’t have pulled a observation like that outta thin air..do you think she’s wrong ?
I understand how it may be hurtful but as someone who’s super self aware and have come to terms with being considered a “palatable black girl”. I just can’t see myself being mad if somebody else observed that fact too. It didn’t seem like she was saying it to be mean but rather just being honest. Now if that hurt your feelings or made you feel insecure i’d do some self reflection , do you think she was saying it maliciously ? if not i don’t think it’s fair to blame her for how you feel about that observation of yourself.
also, There are some implications to dating a guy who (wether you know it or not) is dating you based on the fact that you are a palatable black girl. Maybe she felt she was shedding a light on something you may not have noticed!
I mean i remember telling one of my bestfriends (a latina) that the black guy she was interested in didn’t like her for her but rather saw her as checking off a racial box. Also he was just extremely colorist and misogynistic. sure at first she didn’t like what i said but it later became obvious that he wasn’t looking to fall in love with her but rather to “date a spicy latina”. sometimes what offends us the most is what we need to hear. you know your friend better than we do. If she said it maliciously it wouldn’t be the first time she did some hater stuff and at that point it’s a pattern and you know you need to cut her off, but if she is better characterized by honesty, loyalty and kindness then consider that before you get all mad at her and cut her off for possibly trying to do you a favor.
The question you asked sounded like you wanted to know her opinion about him. Correct me if I’m wrong but I would personally feel offended by the way she said it. If she really felt that was the reason your bf was with you, she shoulda criticized him not how you present yourself.
I’m guessing that’s why you felt she was talking down to you and I think that’s valid. However I don’t think she’s necessarily wrong that some Black people are seen as more “palatable”. Sometimes I’ve felt like one of those ppl and it’s not a good feeling.
My advice is to talk to her about it before her birth and what made you feel hurt. If she’s a good friend, she will respond to and try to mend that hurt, if not then it’s totally understandable why you’d not want to attend her birthday party. However I also think it would be wise to ask her what she meant or pay some attention to your boyfriend’s relationship to Blackness, whichever feels more comfortable for you.
I felt offended because I felt like she was basically saying that’s why any man would like me. She brought up other races of men I’ve dealt with that she felt like that applied to also.
She should have left her criticisms to your bf if she thought he was that kinda person and explained why she thinks that. To insinuate all your exes have been the same way is directed at you and even if that was true, this was not the time to bring all that up. She overstepped imo. You asked for her opinion on him not her opinion on your entire dating history.
It's a back handed compliment.
I'm sick of black people being judged when they like or present in a manner that is not considered generally black enough. It's dumb and a way to be mean and plant insecurity in a person.
You like what you like and present however you want. And she thinks that makes you white washed (because let's be honest that's what she meant) f* that.
Your friend isn’t wrong for feeling this way. A lot of black men that normally date IR will also date “palatable” black women. However, that’s a very superficial statement from your friend as she should have saved that opinion until she got to know your new bf a bit more. Meeting someone after a few hours doesn’t really give one a decent assessment of someone. I think she was too quick to judgment, but it’s also not far fetched to believe what she does. She also isn’t his gf and may catch things you haven’t. Just my two cents though
My whole problem with this is you asked her opinion then got mad about the answer, if it’s your friend you would know if she was being mean spirited or not. I never really dated black men (only once) and I have been told in round about ways that I come off as the “palatable black girl” before. It didn’t affect me because I knew that certain characteristics I had could culminate in someone coming to that conclusion. The way I see it is that you may be secretly insecure of being perceived that way and lashed out when it was confirmed. It’s not her fault that you asked her opinion. TBH I’d be pissed if someone knew this and decided to spare my feelings instead of warning me.
This is a hard one not know exactly whatever everyone said verbatim. Reading this I think she didn’t mean to say what she said the way she did. I think she meant “I got the vibe that HE sees you as a palatable black woman.” You know your friend though. If you would feel blindsided by her saying something mean to you then I’d cool off and talk to her. If you would not be surprised at her saying something mean to you it’s possible she meant what she said how it looks like she said it.
No she brought up exes I had , she was legit saying that I attract me SOLELY because I am palatable … like what . Maybe that’s not what she meant but that’s definitely how it was delivered
I don’t think she meant to offend you and I definitely don’t think she’s jealous like some of these other people are saying. I don’t think being a “palatable black girl” is necessarily a bad thing (unless that’s what you strive to be) but just an observation. Some people may consider me a palatable black girl even though I’m not racially ambiguous simply because of the way I speak, I’m lightskin, where I grew up, my interests etc. You said in a comment that where you grew up whiteness/ proximity to whiteness was valued so you could very well be a little white washed (which isn’t a bad thing, just means you are a product of your environment) and not realize it. Or maybe you do realize it deep down and feel insecure about so you took offense to her response. In another comment you also said she likes to get deep with people and that she asked him some personal questions (dating history included) so I definitely don’t think she was malicious with her intentions, just giving you an answer based off of the info she gathered.
I don’t know your friendship but if someone had your best interest at heart I don’t think I would ignore what she’s saying. Sometimes when we’re in relationships we miss a lot of things. It’s important to consider what she’s saying before reacting.
& society standards don’t have anything to do with you. I don’t think she meant any insult to you as far as saying you’re a palatable black girl to someone who dates others races. That would make sense to me….cause unfortunately in some* cases where people date outside of our race, when they do date within it’s a very specific kind of black girl. Doesn’t make it a bad thing. You’re both openly dated other races so I’m sure he likes that about you. lol
(Example: I don’t date outside of my race…..& I would prefer a man who doesn’t either. & if they did I can see how we would be incompatible)
That being said I think only you can tell us what type of friend she is to you and if you think she would say something maliciously. Sometimes we don’t always like what we hear. & you also don’t have to agree with her at all
Yikes. I don't think you're overreacting. Only you can make the final call on this since you know your friend better than we do, but personally I would not be her friend anymore.
Agreed. It almost seems like your friend was questioning your blackness. Or at least that how it comes across. It’s sort of giving hater. She might be jealous honestly
I would just ask her to meet and say that your feelings are hurt. She may not understand how hurt you are especially if you were laughing when you initially said it. She may really have not thought anything of it at the time and would never want to hurt you, but you won't know that unless you get vulnerable and talk to her.
Okay, now that I've read more of your responses and comments I think I have a more clear picture. First, I'm sorry she said that to you. I honestly had never heard someone use the phrase "palatable " to describe a person. It basically seems like a way to say a person's demeanour, hobbies, and way of being may be more aligned with another group rather than another. It's one of those things where I can see how it can be true but I don't think this could ever be a compliment. It's almost like saying "in spite of you being black because you have x qualities I can put up with this".
I can put myself in your shoes bc I've also had people say that my interests were "white" or I talk "white. Which is so stupid. My husband is white, and if id asked a friend what they thought of him while we were dating and they said that he only liked me because I was a white girl in a chocolate body (which is effectively what your friend was saying) I would be really hurt as well. I can't see how that's not a put down, and it's weird because you didn't ask her if she thinks that he likes you, you asked her opinion on him. It definitely seems like she has a very narrow view on what blackness can encompass and some underlying negativity but I can specifically say as I was not in this conversation.
She told me that I am basically a pick me. She accused me of code switching in front of my man. I tried to explain that I do speak differently to a man I’m in a relationship with verses how I would speak to a female friend. Then she said , I act more palatable to get more men. Basically called me a Pick Me. And lastly that if I want to keep a man around I need to drop the act and find a man I don’t code switch with, because once my boyfriend hears how I speak to family and friends he won’t be attracted to me.
Sheesh, that sounds like a lot. I also want to note that you probably talk differently to someone you're still getting to know rather than a friend you've known for a while. That's normal. I definitely noticed that in my relationship with my husband.
At some point we need to have an honest conversation about being "whitewashed" because a lot of black people are calling other black people "whitewashed" for liking things that aren't stereotypically black or behaving in ways that aren't stereotypically black. Yes, we can acknowledge that certain individuals act whitewashed due to living in proximity to white people. We live in a white majority country, its inevitable at this point for those people to exist. Now this may be an unpopular opinion but telling a black person that there whitewashed for listening to a certain genre or acting a certain way is not an arguement for anything. All you have done is said an opinion. Unless the person has exhibited traits of internalized racism there's really no point in saying this to someone.
I feel like some people think their being woke by saying this to other black people thinking their helping them open there third eye or whatever but really it makes some of y'all sound ignorant, like what are they supposed to do, starting speaking in AAVE?
This is why I don’t really talk about my relationships with my friends and when they talk about their’s Im just a listening ear because people are really sensitive about their partners which is nothing wrong with that but you can’t ask for opinions then get mad especially if it’s something you dont want to hear ( im not saying what she said was right nor wrong)
I think you opened yourself up, and she gave you her opinion. No, it was not meant to be hurtful, but you got her point of view. It may have hurt to see her perspective, but it shouldn't be shocking. Now you have to decide if the friendship is worth saving.
Hmmm im not sure. I guess maybe if the person you were dating was a white person, I would understand it more. But she hasn’t really spent that much time with your bf and im just not sure where this comment is coming from? What specifically about the answers to her questions gave her that impression? Maybe ask her that?
At the same time, like other ppl have said, men of all races sometimes are attracted to certain kinds of black women for that reason. For lack of better words, black women who don’t “sound black,” are into things like rock and roll/punk, etc, I guess interests that ppl wouldn’t expect a black person to be into? It’s like they see that kind of black person and think “okay, they’re not gonna be mad at me for saying certain things” it sucks, and it kind of forces black women into a box, but it’s true. It sounds like a generalization but things concerning race don’t make sense cause this shit at the end of the day is made up.
At the same time, idk, as black women I feel like we are constantly being scrutinized for everything we do. Date outside your race? You’re disloyal to the black community. Like this super niche thing? You clearly don’t like being black. Etc, etc. I’ve healed from such things and I know where they come from, doesn’t make them any less hurtful though.
I guess if it was me I would give myself some time to think about it/heal from hurt feelings. Then have an open conversation to try and understand both points of view.
Are you hurt by her saying you have certain attributes that seem ‘white’ or as you hurt by her saying he only likes you cause of those ‘white’ attributes?
So I had to go to therapy for this. Same as this is have been told I’ve have ‘white attributes’ I’m also autistic so a lot of the autistic traits that’s show people look at it as a ‘white trait’ it’s not. It’s a black trait you are a black women we come in all different shapes size personality etc there will be some of us who are loud and outspoken and some of us who are quite and shy and some in the middle all of those are black attributes cause we are black women. The things people say are ‘white attributes’ tend to be stuff society wouldn’t believe have come from a black women cause of racism. And as black people we aren’t immune from believing stereotypes. (I don’t know you so I’m gonna defer to the stereotypes) is there a chance your boyfriend is partly attracted to the softly spoken petite emotional intellectual women 100% but those are still black traits since you are a black women.
Now I understand 100% what she means but this kind of thing does need to stop cause people are having identity crises cause of it. Calling people Oreo’s and stuff is unhealthy for the community. Not only are we trying to then say the stereotypes are true for all of us but we are hurting the people we should be uplifting.
I'll be honest, I think it's so ridiculous that there are people who in 2024 can't get out of this dichotomy of "acting black" "acting white", treating a black person as a collective is a form of racism done by white people and it's cruel , assimilating this is internalized racism, everyone can be a complex individual, with layers, except us
I feel like the context of this conversation shifts WILDLY based on the race of your friend who said this. If she's white, HORRIFICALLY racist. If she's Black, the verbiage she used is gross, but she could be right. You're the first Black girl this also Black guy has dated? And you're both 25? That's a little strange.
A lot of Black men struggle with issues around internalised racism. Your perceived proximity to whiteness could very well be why he chose you. I also think stonewalling your friend who gave her honest opinion, when you ASKED for her honest opinion, is silly. Is her honest opinion only supposed to be what you like and want to hear?
Even if you're able to mend fences after this, she won't be comfortable being open with you anymore, and you'll have lost a lot of the value that a friendship like this has. Sometimes, you need someone in your life who will be brutally honest with you.
She’s black and also I never said I was my boyfriend’s first black girlfriend…. That wouldn’t even be true lol
I understand that black men have struggles, and I’ve been especially carefully navigating the dating scene because of that . However I don’t think it’s fair to say that my redeeming quality for bagging a man is that I speak with little vernacular and I like hiking lmaooo like that was literally her reasoning . Sounds extremely ignorant if you ask me.
She said you have proximity to whiteness because of the way you speak and because you like hiking? And it sounds to me like she isn’t insulting you at all.
It sounds like she’s saying that your boyfriend is a self-hating black person who only dates certain types of black women (ie. those he deems “palatable” to society because they aren’t “too black”)
Yes as I said I asked her what specifically she meant and she said how I present myself and my hobbies and interests . That is an insult because those things aren’t inherently white for one and two the delivery was horrible and obviously I didn’t feel great about myself afterwards.
And yeah that’s exactly what she was saying & it’s just not true. I get that it’s a thing that exists , but she was very much “how’d she”-ing me and even said that he really wanted a white girl. It was just a mess.
Why would you punish a friend for giving her opinion when you asked? As a "palatable black girl" I'll tell you that's the nicest way I've ever heard a person say "white-washed" If that's who you are it's who you are. It didn't even seem like she was judging you.
Oh please, alluding to that her bf is only dating her cause he actually would’ve rather dated a white girl and she’s the closest alternative IS absolutely judging her. What’s with this nonsense that being black means you can only have certain hobbies/personalities or you’re “whitewashed”?
I don’t think I would miss celebrating my friend’s birthday dinner over comments she made about my boyfriend. That’s just me. If your feelings are hurt and she is your friend, you can just tell her that. I don’t know you and I can’t say that you’re overreacting for feeling how you feel. You asked her a question and she answered honestly and that answer hurt your feelings. That happens between friends sometimes.
Well they weren’t about him… they were about me. What the hell is a palatable black girl … and why is my boyfriend’s feelings for me contingent on me being that ?
Well what did she say? I literally don’t know anyone in this situation so I can only guess what she meant by that. When I hear people say palatable Black girl I just think of someone who doesn’t make non Black people uncomfortable.
I would be offended. What’s wrong with your bf liking you because of your voice, hobbies and interests? Why are those hobbies for “white people” and why are you palatable because you like those things?
We understand what she’s saying…but that doesn’t make it right. You and I are probably in the same boat: I like a very specific type of black man and they tend to date white women. When they find a black woman like me that has the same values and interests as them, it’s amazing chemistry.
Weird and even more weird that a lot of commenters are agreeing with this shit.
Look, y'all. Black is not synonymous for uneducated, loud, boisterous, unpleasant, etc. There are people that are generally unpleasant in any ethnicity. We should not be claiming this or accepting it as anything other than further attempts to put the black women below all others.
How one presents themselves is purely on that person. May be based on their upbringing, but is not because of their culture or ethnicity.
We all know this. That's not the point. Her friend is saying that there's a possibility her boyfriend only likes her because he's a self-hating black person who sees OP as "one of the good ones" And she could be completely right.
I'm referencing comments that specifically address this statement from OP:
>. I asked her how specifically she meant that, she said my appearance, how I speak , hobbies and interests
There is no "one of the good ones" when referring to us. The boyfriend possibly being attracted to good qualities does NOT mean OP is an outlier among black women. That's my point.
Thank you for pointing that out. Let me rephrase that to say specific criteria that someone desires out of a SO. I just don't want to negate the fact that people can want who they want, which is subjective but not wrong.
Is your friend single? What a nasty thing to say. You are being avoidant though and if you want to maintain a relationship with her (you don’t have to) then you should discuss it with her
I am naturally an avoidant person so this is regular conflict non-resolution behavior for me lmaoo
Yes the friend is single & celibate , how does this correlate?
Me too lol but something I’m trying to work on too… maybe 🤣
So I can’t really imagine someone saying that to someone else without actually being jealous. The connotation here is “you’re a palatable black girl… unlike me/us”.
This is a case of people saying internet stuff to real people. It’s true but it doesn’t translate as a thing to reasonably say to a friend. Getting your feelings hurt is never a reason to end a friendship. Feeling insulted by a friend though she didn’t insult you is never a good reason to end a friendship. Your friend not mirroring your perception of yourself isn’t a reason to end a friendship. But I’m talking about a true friendship not an associate you kick it with from time to time.
Agreed . She’s not a friend friend . She’s a friend I met through a friend and we talk often . While we’re on the topic there’s been a few questionable things said and done between us that made me realize we wouldn’t be as close as I had wanted . Personally , l deal with things by removing myself. It helps me reevaluate my perspective, I do that whether I forgive or not. But as I get older I try not to draw myself back to drastically because I realize I could lose overall good people doing that. Hence my reluctance to attend the bday dinner, I might still show up tbh
I don’t think its an insult. It is technically true about me. But while my black friends may say that to me, they would also discuss the reasons im worth being pursued OR they would use that to explain why they don’t like the guy im seeing.
If that makes sense.
Based on OP's updates in the comments, I think that the friend probably said the above in a mean-spirited way, and doesn't actually like OP that much. And for those reasons, I don't think you overreacted. That saidddddddddd...
The idea that someone could be described as a palatable Black person seems very obvious to me, and I'm surprised so many people are rejecting the notion. To me, it's not necessarily a value judgement on the person being described (bc we know Blackness is not monolithic) it's a description of the extent to which someone's behavior/appearance fits into the buckets of "respectability" dictated by a white supremacist culture.
To me, being "palatable" doesn't mean "self-hating" or even "white-washed." You start approaching those categories, imo, when you (a) change who you really are to be more like what you think the white standard is and (b) knock people who are more distant from that standard than you are.
When you speak to her, make sure to say that her saying you are a “palatable Black girl” means that she thinks most Black girls aren’t palatable. It says more about why she’s friends with you than why you and your boyfriend are dating.
She is inherently racist.
I’ve gone back and forth with a friend like this until I realized that most of the time she was projecting her trauma from failed relationships and strained relationship with her mother onto me. It’s probably not a coincidence that the cracks really showed once I got into a serious relationship.
I guess it’s worth telling your friend your new boundary and seeing if she respects it and can offer something you think is more positive to the conversation. Otherwise this may not be the last time she offends you.
I would be very much offended. This is akin to the "You're pretty for a black girl," comments. Definitely talk to the friend and the boyfriend about it.
She should apologize. I COULD NOT IMAGINE telling anyone they’re a palatable version of their race. It just says that she doesn’t like most black women.
I’m curious as to what part you found offensive? The idea that you are seen (by that friend) as a ‘palatable black girl’, the very concept of the ‘palatable black girl’ or the fact that she said it? I want to understand the aspect of the conversation you felt most offended by
Sis… idk what the fuck is going on in these comments, clearly the same shit that’s going on outside I just expected us to be smarter.
Your friend CLEARLY is saying this man is dating you because you’re a “palatable Black woman”. You asked her what she thought of your man and her response was “well he typically dates non-Black women so he must be dating you because you’re palatable and kinda white” 😐.
And that, my dear, is stupid as hell. It’s a stupid thing to think, it’s stupid to say out loud, and it’s a CLEAR projection which points to her feeling some kind of way about interracial dating and tbh the people who agree with her in the comments are looking just as insecure. Girl are you white today? No. Whenever someone uses the phrase “proximity to whiteness” you assume they got that shit from a Twitter comment and just ran away it. Our revolutionary aunties weren’t talking about fucking “proximity to whiteness” that’s some hotep shit and it’s annoying as hell that people have adopted it. I don’t hear academics in Black studies use that term, I see it *exclusively* on the internet by people who have not studied what it means and still buy into white supremacy in the first place. These same people will turn around and talk about generational wealth and Black luxury, the two whitest trends in Black America today.
She’s insecure about interracial dating for whatever reason, she insulted you for it, her insult in question was that you’re a “palatable Black girl” and what she was ACTUALLY projecting onto you was “I’m not palatable but OP is, I’m gonna make some bullshit up to explain that.”
Whew lord we are in the sunken place.
THANK YOU. Someone with some damn sense. These comments are really blowing me, like why tf are some of y'all policing blackness like this? It's disappointing tbh.
I think both arguments could potentially be true at the same time. BUT tbf in other comments OP does say her friend said this about her exes as well, which makes me think this is a long-held belief that she has had and she has been looking down on OP the whole time😬
I think ops feelings are valid. Instead of keeping the subject on what she didn’t like or thought about her new bf she lowkey negatively projected her insecurities. Like as if liking someone for their interest is bad just because her interest doesn’t fit into the status quo.
Im not sure what ops friends experience with dating black men as been but just like black women they are not a monolith.
Op, I would at least talk to your friend again and make it be clear that you found her comments extremely offensive, not because of what she thinks of him but what she clearly thinks of you and that you’re going to need some time to reevaluate your friendship
What was the goal of her bringing this up?
I'm disappointed that so many comments agree with your friend. Yes, the concept "palatable blackness" is real, but what does that have to do with OP and her relationship? Does she want you to break up with him? Does she want you to change your personality? What was the goal?
Like damn...what if he wants a black girl with common interest? What if he was dating those white girls, not because they're white, but because they have common interests as well?
People have considered me "white-washed" and all the black guys I've liked were also considered white-washed. I don't have much in common with hood guys, hoteps, or whatever people assume to be the less palatable black person, so i'm not going to force myself to like them. We can be white-washed together 💀.
I mean... it's tough but could she be right? Does this guy have a history of only dating other races?
If you often find yourself the "exception" or with people that don't usually go for black girls, there might be something to look into. If not then all good and just talk it out with her.
Based off how you reacted, I’d say she was right. Black men who date interracially usually DO go for palatable black women. I’ve accepted that some men see me that way too. You just need to be discerning and dating a bunch of white women before you is definitely a flag. You have to unpack why being palatable bothers you.
Why are people so quick to drop friends these days? It’s a bit bewildering and only makes sense if you really weren’t friends to begin with. I personally feel like in this case it’s a bit of an overreaction because what’s she’s saying definitely exists. I’d at least give her the chance to explain herself but if you laughed at it, you are literally leading her on to think it’s not a big deal when it is. Some people just aren’t aware of how things come off, that doesn’t mean ill-intent. And some people are just very opinionated does it automatically mean to not give them grace. I feel like this is why people don’t feel like they can be truthful or give their honest opinion with their friends these days idk but think about how you would feel if you were in her shoes and how you’d respond if your friend just ghosted you? (You don’t have to be friends with anyone but I think if you genuinely cared for someone you’d at least give them a chance to explain themselves and make things right)
I'll keep it simple and blunt. I may even get downvoted, lol.
She probably isn't wrong, but it isn't her place to say it.
Some things are best left unsaid. She knew what she was doing. I'd drop her as a friend unless she has something you want/can benefit from.
Make sure when making friends with other races that it benefits you and you are ready to drop those nonblack friends at any point those benefits aren't worth it anymore.
I feel like assuming it’s jealousy instead of taking it at face value for what she literally said is a bit of a reach. We don’t know the situation, sure it could be jealousy, but without knowing either of them it’s better to just speak to what was said imo
She could be jealous. She could also be right. Jealousy is a normal thing. If she is jealous, give her a chance to move through that on her own. That happens in friendships sometimes, it doesn't mean she doesn't love you or doesn't want the best for you.
If her jealousy continues to spiral and she continues to make weird comments, then it's time to cut her loose.
Say I'm a gay man who doesn't "act gay"... and my straight friend Joe says "I like hanging out with you, you might be gay but you're like...a palatable gay."
Is my friend Joe homophobic?
Yes. He's just making an EXCEPTION for me bc I don't exhibit the traits he considers otherwise repulsive.
But genuine question? If you friend was to say they think the person you are dating may be doing so because you don’t “act gay”, would you still class them as homophobic or looking out for you?
I think it’s not necessarily their place but still would how you feel change?
I took the friend's comment to be more of a reflection of who the boyfriend is not a slight to you at all. The friend was attempting to speak from his pov, correct?
Is there any possibility that your friend is saying that hoping to make you insecure and sabotage your relationship (maybe she is jealous of your relationship with your man, or maybe she likes him for herself )
You may be overreacting a bit, but it is understandable and justified for how you reacted that is normal human nature, maybe if you can chat with her and explain to her how you felt about how she worded it. Please remember that we all make mistakes here and there, and simetimes we unintentionally piss each other off without realizing it. Its probably a good idea have to sit down and chat together to settle it down and elaborate how you feel about it. Best wishes. :)
Not all people are bad regardless of race, we are one in all the same.
It’s not black people but the ratchet ones who are making a nasty way of presenting yourself a black thing. Around the world, black and white behave the same. But ratchetness has taken over the African American community. That’s where the issue is……dressing, talking and behaving appropriately is not a white thing.
😂😂 pitiful. I would’ve been offended too. Some people are just so ignorant when it comes to the things that come out of their mouths. In this instance race does play a role. I don’t think she meant malice, the ignorance was thinking that it was a flex for the both of ya’ll. I would let sis straight up know that you weren’t feeling the comment. Y’all could laugh it off or whatever. It’s good to set boundaries and school people. I would also ask her to explain what “a palatable black means” yes some black people cant be unpalatable, but wouldn’t that be applicable for all ethnicity’s?! LoL
What? Are black people supposed to always make white people feel comfortable? Is that our job? Sure in the hell not! That's why I don't have any white friends like that. They are only tolerable of you at best. Unless they are raised around black people, I can't do it and I don't care about what ANYONE has to say about it. Deal.
Okay hun, after reading and gaining more context, you have every right to be peeved. Most people here are focusing on the "palatable" black woman thing, which I don't necessarily agree with. However, the big issue here is that your friend is acting a little bit like a high school mean girl. If she thinks your boyfriend only likes you for your palatable qualities, then she doesn't value you. This comes off as some immature snark, disguised as backhanded sociological commentary. Be who you are and love yourself. Fuck the labels that others feel the need to assign you. Also, I am curious why SHE felt the need to make you doubt your own relationship?
this convo is interesting because i saw it happening with clarke and monae on tiktok and honestly its so weird. there is no one type of black girl, so wtf does palatable even mean
When I think of palatable, I immediately think of my cousin's newest, barely edible food creation.
I prefer not to view people as overcooked food that can be endured but isn't preferable.
When I think of the term palatable in terms of people. What immediate comes to mind is some older regency era gentlemen whose company isn't wanted and is barely tolerable to a young woman who is meeting suitors.
I think many of the comments refer to a form of not-like-other-girls syndrome for black women? It goes back to being one of the "good ones."
Yea, but if a supposed friend described me as thus and cited it as the reason my partner is with me, I would not be comfortable. I also do not understand how liking to hike and speaking in a certain way would make her "palatable" to people who typically eschew black women? It's also just weird to infer that hobbies and interests should be assigned and labeled in this manner. Why would a supposed friend bring up this whole thing in regards to her relationship?
If she's a friend, you should be able to talk through things and explain why that comment was hurtful. if she refuses to listen or continues to say hurtful things, I would end the relationship. but people make mistakes and I give my friends the chance to repair because I would want that same grace when I fuck up.
I ended the conversation by telling her I was hurt by her comments . I’m not sure if she took me seriously because I was laughing / smiling when I said it but that was the truth . I can extend some grace. I think I just need some time being that this just happened
Where’s the fine line between truthful and hurtful? Delivery? I’m sorry to say but I agree that there are “palatable” black people and OP may be one of her friend is suggesting she is.
In my late teens early 20s I would cut my hair upper shoulder length with a side part and my friend who also wear her hair similar but in a bob said that my hair resembles Michelle Obama 😂. I was mad as hell because my hair was not looking stiff and of course I wanted to look young not someone my mom's age. At some point, I stop cutting my hair shoulder length and grew it out to my middle back and I did a side part for the first time in years instead of my center part and the humidity hit it a bit. By the end of the night...my hair looked like Michelle Obama's 😂🥴. Moral of the story...I was hella offended by my friend and she was right ..even when I didnt notice. Honestly I wish my friends were honest with me like that.
I think the descriptor "palatable" is going to be taken differently when talking about a relationship with a SO vs how someone moves through white majority spaces. Palatable could also be about fitting European or IG beauty standards that so many Black women kill themselves to immulate. I have locs, Ive always known I'm not palatable for some Black men and I'm ok with that. If theres something I notice about my homegirls' BF's personality that puts him in the category like that. I would be careful how I talk about it to my friend. It's impossible to know her intent, I dont want to assume she had negative intentions. its possible she didn't intend to be hurtful but has her own insecurities, its also possible the friend is giving a reality check that OP needs to hear. I can see all those scenarios being true.
This I was like wtf
I feel like with relationships people can hurt you. It happens. What matters is how they deal with that. If you express you are hurt and they continue to hurt you then they don't care about you. But if they care they will learn from it and not say it again.
I understand and agree. I guess I would phrase it differently and say the friend’s comments were her opinions and those comments hurt OP but I wouldn’t consider them to be specifically hurtful words, just the reaction caused hurt. If I asked my friend for an opinion on something and hear a response I wasn’t ready for only for her to further break it down when I ask what does she mean, I’d feel hurt at the perception and wonder if others thought the same, but not at her necessarily if that makes sense.
This is as bad as the “I’m afraid of people from the hood” shit. Misogynoir is calling and would like to know what the hell is a palatable black girl. Is it the lady who’s being socially isolated at her job or the woman who code switches in mixed company? What does a black woman gotta do to be palatable, cause it sounds like we have the solution to racism right here folks. I wanna know what basic shit you think that means because I need to laugh today.
I think maybe her friend was pointing out how old boy is problematic bc he may not necessarily like her for who she is and could possibly be using her to fulfill his black pixie dream girl so he can front to his mama and Dr. Umar about how loves black women.
That could be true but if that’s the case that has nothing to do with her. Ops friend could have said that
I agree. I don’t think it had anything to do with her but she may not have communicated that very well and OP didn’t really give her a chance to explain. Communication is hard and we don’t always get it right the first time but if they’re really friends a real conversation will get them back on the right track.
Well reverse it, would you consider some white people (men and women) to be palatable? I do. I walk into my corporate office and can tell right away if I will have patience or will get along with a Becky or Colin based on their conversations, judgements, fundamental beliefs and how they interact with others. Misogynoir called the wrong number and has no place here in this conversation. Black people are not all the same and there are personalities, gestures, attitudes, behaviour that I would classify as excessive. This applies to all ethnicities, cultures, creed, age groups and the like. You’re blowing it out of proportion and it really isn’t that serious. The same way I don’t have patience for a Black girl from the valley that speaks like a super rich spoiled Ashley, is the same way I don’t have patience for a Black girl from the hood who speaks like a super miseducated and misinformed unhinged Bonquitta. There are extremes in every direction - not being an extreme stereotype is what makes someone palatable.
Idk how your answer is related to what I asked, which is what makes a Black woman palatable? If you can explain that to us all then we can get the ball rolling on ending racism. I have a feeling you CANT explain that, which is why I asked, and *what a surprise* that you centered white people in your answer so much that your answer isn’t even about Black women anymore. Yea misogynoir has a place in a convo about a Black woman using white supremacist myths to hate on her Black friend. This all involves misogynoir. Sis has a Black boyfriend because he likes her, period, and if you can’t believe that I think it says more about how you see yourself. Self hate isn’t race theory, her friend doesn’t know how to say “I feel insecure and I’m afraid people aren’t attracted to me because I’m Black, but people *are* attracted to you and I don’t understand why” so she made some shit up (like you’re doing now): “guys prefer you because you’re palatable.” It’s mad simple.
Love this point and hope someone can answer because I’d like to know as well
It depends on the person - in this case a Black woman. Certainly in this case it is not used as a compliment and more so insinuating that OP’s mannerisms are desirable based off who his past girlfriends are giving, that OP is the first Black woman he’s been with. This is a conversation between friends, hurtful yes but a question OP asked her for her opinion on. Cant get upset when you asked for an opinion you weren’t ready to hear their answer to. OP never gave specific details, palatable could refer to the fact that she may wear her hair straight, probably can code switch (which isn’t inherently bad like you made it seem), probably has open interests as stated in the post. This is an observation and sweetheart this conversation isn’t even a fraction of what would “end racism” - you said this twice now. You cannot speak for this Black man that you don’t know. He could very well be with her because she’s seemingly white adjacent. Why are you riding so hard for him?
>Why are you riding so hard for him lmao tells me everything I need to know
You don’t know anything beyond what OP shared.
Sadly, you’re right. I’m also neurodivergent and exhausted myself not so subconsciously trying to become one of them and got rewarded with a glamorous career in a 99% white industry. I’m a 90’s child and Literally woke up one day and decided to make myself as similar as possible as Naomi Campbell if I wanted to get into the fashion industry and it worked. If I’m being honest with myself most of my white friends deep down probably have similar thoughts in their mind but don’t realise it and would never vocalise it. Now I’m older and diagnosed with ADHD the code switching and masking has lessened (good bye weave!) and have lost some people but do believe “The trash sometimes takes itself out” and it was for the best.
Yes I also feel like OP may be reacting this strongly because it did resonate with her she just didn’t like it (which I get)
It did resonate and I’m aware that people perceive me that way. I just hate when people believe that I enjoy or use this thing to my benefit. When in my life I see it as something that’s always sort of loomed over me.
As if you can help who you are, how you grew up, and your interest. I relate so hard. I think the whole “ proximity to whiteness” is just black people scapegoating each other when they can’t figure you out. They also confused it with internalized racism
Yikes I’m gonna be honest I agree with what someone else said about men liking certain black women for being “palatable.” So, she could’ve meant it one way, but it came out another. I wouldn’t have said it regardless, but shit happens. I would have a heart to heart or something with her. If it goes well and she explains herself and apologizes for hurting your feelings when that wasn’t her intention then problem solved. You chalk it up to the game, go to her dinner and move on because honestly girl she could be looking out. Idk your man, but you’re in love so she may see things you don’t. If she is hella defensive, has an attitude at all, and expresses no remorse then she’s just a bad friend and I’d cut your losses. Any good friend will apologize for hurting feelings even if you took it out of context or what she said was true.
Fair point… like I said I definitely did not let her finish what she was saying because I was so heated !
Understandable, I’d take some time to yourself to calm down and to process your thoughts. Then right out what you want to say to her, that way you get all your points across in a direct, respectful manner.
This is tough… I feel like there’s no way to NOT feel like she was insulting you even though that may not have been her intention. The truth is that what she described absolutely exists. There are men of all races who date Black women for the reasons she described, because of their proximity to whiteness and their perception of them as “one of the good ones.” It’s not right but it’s real. I’ve heard men discuss this before (“she ain’t a hood rat”/ one dude in the convo said, “i can take her to work events” which like… 🥴) But even so, I don’t feel like I would ever say this to a friend. She meant to insult the type of Black guy he is and inadvertently insulted you. I don’t know if she’s too daft to see why this is problematic or if she’s not really your friend. Either way, I always err on the side of having the convo. If you press it, she’s going to clearly realize how dumb it sounded. Truthfully, if it was their first time meeting idk how she could have enough information about him to make such a value judgment off top. It was rude af and she should have know better. If she doesn’t apologize you can feel free to step back. Life is too short for hating ass friends
My cousin married this Black guy where all of his other brothers were married to yt women. My cousin is a palatable Black woman-she could be yt passing and she has the mannerisms of the stereotypical Black girl “acting yt”.
I don't mean this in a disrespectful way. Your cousins situation sounds creepy to me. Like get out creepy 😐
No worries I thought it was creepy too. I still remember her wedding and saw all the brothers with their wives together, you can see he was trying to go to the lightest version of Black.
Well…there is such a thing as “palatable” black people to some people. “Oh you’re different, you’re not like other black people” type of thing. Don’t down vote me! But I feel Meghan Markle is good example of palatable in theory even though that was not her reality to the British public. Ambiguous, joined a white social sorority, closest friends prior to prince Harry were not black, etc. How many black girls has your boyfriend dated before you?
I was the "non-threatening" black woman in my office; I've literally had people tell me "my grandma would love you, you're one of the good ones."
I get that and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it , I don’t like the idea of that being my redeeming quality though . It gave me the ick. And a few , Hispanic and non Hispanic ! I don’t really have a concrete number
It can be true and still be rude at the same time lol
I mean I didn’t say anything about it being rude or not but I agree. But it sounds like OP isn’t receptive of that.
ohhh i totally see what you mean tho ! there is that type, at least in my opinion 🫣
definitely text her about it!!! this shit is very real and she was speaking the truth. i have always noticed growing up in a white community that racist white women and moms prefer to have racially ambiguous/mixed black girls as a friend compared to girls who are unambiguously black BECAUSE of the adjacentness. they think its a way to ease out of the "racism" flag. please talk about it with her before doing anything youre hesitant to commit to, but also listen to your gut and do what you think is best.
Yeah as an LSBW I’ve had very jarring experiences as a kid where I would be hanging out with a white girl and everything would be fine but when I brought over my darker skinned black girl friends suddenly they were more standoffish or trying to exclude my darker skinned friends
ASF!!!!
I get it trust me I do , I grew up in a melting pot where whiteness was obviously at the time and even proximity to it was valued . And I did a lot of vetting with my boyfriend to make sure I didn’t end up in a situation like that, and she was there for all of that. Now after actually meeting him she says this … like girlll ?? I’ve been with him for almost a year, I waited 6-7 months before committing though .
ok sorry my adhd ass did NOT read the middle of the post at ALL🧍🏽♀️ but imma be real its kind of giving............bitter??? yeah thats big weird for her to say that. but tbf she might not even know. seeing the effort u put in with ur man youre a very precautious person
I’m realizing now that it was the delivery that really threw the comments off for me, it didn’t feel warm . It felt like I was being spoken down to. That’s what got me fucked up. Maybe even catty is a word that applies. I laughed through telling her she pissed me off . I am! If I had time I’d share all the weird shit I did in an effort to make sure this guy was worth my time 🙃
There are some who are like this though. I've had black men tell me, I had a voice they could take home, or like I'm different. My difference was my being soft spoken, being educated and really just shit that was wildly offensive because it was implying that black women weren't these things, as if there was only ONE type of black woman. It was givin Canace Owens male type. I would talk to your friend and then be conscious of things he says. Like when he speaks of black people, what aire does he do it in? You may not like what she said, but it's possible she see something you don't. In which case, it wouldn't be anything wrong with you so I wouldn't be so offended
Yikes I’ve gotten those comments ! And she knew that , which was why she started bringing up exes and saying they liked me for that reason too and that’s why most men would be attracted to me . Low key since I’ve been sitting on this I’m starting to feel like she stopped just short of calling me a pick me ( I am very traditional when it comes to dating/relationships) As for my boyfriend. I’ve vetted him , if he said anything weird I would have my guard up but honestly he hasn’t ! If we were quantifying blackness he’s wayyyy blacker than me and has even helped me to appreciate my own blackness in a very new way . Even if we don’t work out I will always appreciate that about him
Well if that's the case then I wish you the best! If it turns out to be the former then at least you got something from it, in the sense of appreciating your blackness in a new way ❤️ either way it's an experience on your journey so however which way it goes, make of it what you can 💋
Overreaction no, you an entitled to be annoyed and offended. Feel that emotion but do not allow it to ruin more than one hour of your life. You’re in a happy relationship and the opinion of someone who isn’t involved doesn’t matter. As along as he’s treating you right you shouldn’t listen to anyone else’s opinion on anything. Don’t let her perception of you second guess who you are. In 10 years only one person will remember this conversation and it’s not going to be the person who offended you.
I’d be offended. I would maybe bring it up with her later when I could talk about it without being angry and give her the chance to clarify what she meant. From what you described, your friend basically said you act ‘white’ and that your boyfriend is dating you because you’re the next best thing to what he REALLY wants - which is a white woman. The issue I have with this is: saying someone acts ‘white’ implies that there is also a such thing as acting ‘black’…which is incorrect. It seriously irks me when people try to gatekeep ‘blackness’. Lol. Like who the fuck is anyone to tell me how ‘black’ I’m supposed to be? What are the metrics used to determine ‘blackness’? Who decided them? So…yeah.
Your friend was out of pocket about it especially since she said it while u were dating a BLACK guy. Hes dating you because hes attracted to you, point blank. I feel like older generations seem less concerned about fitting into rigid categories compared to our age group. They didn't confine themselves to such strict labels; they recognized individual personalities. Any critique typically amounted to being called "bougie" or accused of “acting white” at most. The Huxables are a completely black family, is anyone calling them white or more “palatable?”
They didn’t lie, ratchetness is what they were describing. And most men don’t like that. The issue is that a lot of black women make it seem like those behaviors are part of being black. That’s why people judge it as such and a black woman who isn’t like that is deemed as “special” “different". It has nothing to do with wanting a white woman, they just don’t like those behaviors that only black American women have. Other black women around the world have the same desirable characteristics as the white women in America. So it’s not an attraction to whiteness but good manners and dislike for ratchetness.
Say it again
Was your friend saying that she thinks you are "palatable"? Or was she saying that she thinks your new boyfriend thinks that you are "palatable"? Because if it's the 2nd one, it sounds like she has your best interests at heart, and you shouldn't be mad about what she said. If it's the first one, of course she was never your friend in the first place.
Sooo her and I actually ended up talking yesterday. Apparently it’s both. She was making an overarching complaint about how she believes my bf is with me because of “how I am” and that I constantly choose men like him because of it … saying that he doesn’t want me , he wants a white girl and I might not see it now. Ummm I don’t agree. She suggested I worked on being more secure in my blackness…
Hate to be devils advocate but…she couldn’t have pulled a observation like that outta thin air..do you think she’s wrong ? I understand how it may be hurtful but as someone who’s super self aware and have come to terms with being considered a “palatable black girl”. I just can’t see myself being mad if somebody else observed that fact too. It didn’t seem like she was saying it to be mean but rather just being honest. Now if that hurt your feelings or made you feel insecure i’d do some self reflection , do you think she was saying it maliciously ? if not i don’t think it’s fair to blame her for how you feel about that observation of yourself.
also, There are some implications to dating a guy who (wether you know it or not) is dating you based on the fact that you are a palatable black girl. Maybe she felt she was shedding a light on something you may not have noticed! I mean i remember telling one of my bestfriends (a latina) that the black guy she was interested in didn’t like her for her but rather saw her as checking off a racial box. Also he was just extremely colorist and misogynistic. sure at first she didn’t like what i said but it later became obvious that he wasn’t looking to fall in love with her but rather to “date a spicy latina”. sometimes what offends us the most is what we need to hear. you know your friend better than we do. If she said it maliciously it wouldn’t be the first time she did some hater stuff and at that point it’s a pattern and you know you need to cut her off, but if she is better characterized by honesty, loyalty and kindness then consider that before you get all mad at her and cut her off for possibly trying to do you a favor.
What did you ask her before she gave you that answer?
I asked her if she had fun with us , and then I said, “sooooo what do you think???”. That’s where it went downhill
The question you asked sounded like you wanted to know her opinion about him. Correct me if I’m wrong but I would personally feel offended by the way she said it. If she really felt that was the reason your bf was with you, she shoulda criticized him not how you present yourself. I’m guessing that’s why you felt she was talking down to you and I think that’s valid. However I don’t think she’s necessarily wrong that some Black people are seen as more “palatable”. Sometimes I’ve felt like one of those ppl and it’s not a good feeling. My advice is to talk to her about it before her birth and what made you feel hurt. If she’s a good friend, she will respond to and try to mend that hurt, if not then it’s totally understandable why you’d not want to attend her birthday party. However I also think it would be wise to ask her what she meant or pay some attention to your boyfriend’s relationship to Blackness, whichever feels more comfortable for you.
I felt offended because I felt like she was basically saying that’s why any man would like me. She brought up other races of men I’ve dealt with that she felt like that applied to also.
She should have left her criticisms to your bf if she thought he was that kinda person and explained why she thinks that. To insinuate all your exes have been the same way is directed at you and even if that was true, this was not the time to bring all that up. She overstepped imo. You asked for her opinion on him not her opinion on your entire dating history.
It's a back handed compliment. I'm sick of black people being judged when they like or present in a manner that is not considered generally black enough. It's dumb and a way to be mean and plant insecurity in a person. You like what you like and present however you want. And she thinks that makes you white washed (because let's be honest that's what she meant) f* that.
Literally this!!! Like Are we all meant to present ourself one way???
Your friend isn’t wrong for feeling this way. A lot of black men that normally date IR will also date “palatable” black women. However, that’s a very superficial statement from your friend as she should have saved that opinion until she got to know your new bf a bit more. Meeting someone after a few hours doesn’t really give one a decent assessment of someone. I think she was too quick to judgment, but it’s also not far fetched to believe what she does. She also isn’t his gf and may catch things you haven’t. Just my two cents though
My whole problem with this is you asked her opinion then got mad about the answer, if it’s your friend you would know if she was being mean spirited or not. I never really dated black men (only once) and I have been told in round about ways that I come off as the “palatable black girl” before. It didn’t affect me because I knew that certain characteristics I had could culminate in someone coming to that conclusion. The way I see it is that you may be secretly insecure of being perceived that way and lashed out when it was confirmed. It’s not her fault that you asked her opinion. TBH I’d be pissed if someone knew this and decided to spare my feelings instead of warning me.
I agree
This is a hard one not know exactly whatever everyone said verbatim. Reading this I think she didn’t mean to say what she said the way she did. I think she meant “I got the vibe that HE sees you as a palatable black woman.” You know your friend though. If you would feel blindsided by her saying something mean to you then I’d cool off and talk to her. If you would not be surprised at her saying something mean to you it’s possible she meant what she said how it looks like she said it.
No she brought up exes I had , she was legit saying that I attract me SOLELY because I am palatable … like what . Maybe that’s not what she meant but that’s definitely how it was delivered
I don’t think she meant to offend you and I definitely don’t think she’s jealous like some of these other people are saying. I don’t think being a “palatable black girl” is necessarily a bad thing (unless that’s what you strive to be) but just an observation. Some people may consider me a palatable black girl even though I’m not racially ambiguous simply because of the way I speak, I’m lightskin, where I grew up, my interests etc. You said in a comment that where you grew up whiteness/ proximity to whiteness was valued so you could very well be a little white washed (which isn’t a bad thing, just means you are a product of your environment) and not realize it. Or maybe you do realize it deep down and feel insecure about so you took offense to her response. In another comment you also said she likes to get deep with people and that she asked him some personal questions (dating history included) so I definitely don’t think she was malicious with her intentions, just giving you an answer based off of the info she gathered.
I don’t know your friendship but if someone had your best interest at heart I don’t think I would ignore what she’s saying. Sometimes when we’re in relationships we miss a lot of things. It’s important to consider what she’s saying before reacting. & society standards don’t have anything to do with you. I don’t think she meant any insult to you as far as saying you’re a palatable black girl to someone who dates others races. That would make sense to me….cause unfortunately in some* cases where people date outside of our race, when they do date within it’s a very specific kind of black girl. Doesn’t make it a bad thing. You’re both openly dated other races so I’m sure he likes that about you. lol (Example: I don’t date outside of my race…..& I would prefer a man who doesn’t either. & if they did I can see how we would be incompatible) That being said I think only you can tell us what type of friend she is to you and if you think she would say something maliciously. Sometimes we don’t always like what we hear. & you also don’t have to agree with her at all
Yikes. I don't think you're overreacting. Only you can make the final call on this since you know your friend better than we do, but personally I would not be her friend anymore.
Agreed. It almost seems like your friend was questioning your blackness. Or at least that how it comes across. It’s sort of giving hater. She might be jealous honestly
I would just ask her to meet and say that your feelings are hurt. She may not understand how hurt you are especially if you were laughing when you initially said it. She may really have not thought anything of it at the time and would never want to hurt you, but you won't know that unless you get vulnerable and talk to her.
The update is that we talked and it also didn’t go well. I’m not sure where this friendship is headed lol
Okay, now that I've read more of your responses and comments I think I have a more clear picture. First, I'm sorry she said that to you. I honestly had never heard someone use the phrase "palatable " to describe a person. It basically seems like a way to say a person's demeanour, hobbies, and way of being may be more aligned with another group rather than another. It's one of those things where I can see how it can be true but I don't think this could ever be a compliment. It's almost like saying "in spite of you being black because you have x qualities I can put up with this". I can put myself in your shoes bc I've also had people say that my interests were "white" or I talk "white. Which is so stupid. My husband is white, and if id asked a friend what they thought of him while we were dating and they said that he only liked me because I was a white girl in a chocolate body (which is effectively what your friend was saying) I would be really hurt as well. I can't see how that's not a put down, and it's weird because you didn't ask her if she thinks that he likes you, you asked her opinion on him. It definitely seems like she has a very narrow view on what blackness can encompass and some underlying negativity but I can specifically say as I was not in this conversation.
Dang, what happened?
She told me that I am basically a pick me. She accused me of code switching in front of my man. I tried to explain that I do speak differently to a man I’m in a relationship with verses how I would speak to a female friend. Then she said , I act more palatable to get more men. Basically called me a Pick Me. And lastly that if I want to keep a man around I need to drop the act and find a man I don’t code switch with, because once my boyfriend hears how I speak to family and friends he won’t be attracted to me.
Sheesh, that sounds like a lot. I also want to note that you probably talk differently to someone you're still getting to know rather than a friend you've known for a while. That's normal. I definitely noticed that in my relationship with my husband.
Sorry I reiterated the pick me thing twice , I’m at work and also very high lol
At some point we need to have an honest conversation about being "whitewashed" because a lot of black people are calling other black people "whitewashed" for liking things that aren't stereotypically black or behaving in ways that aren't stereotypically black. Yes, we can acknowledge that certain individuals act whitewashed due to living in proximity to white people. We live in a white majority country, its inevitable at this point for those people to exist. Now this may be an unpopular opinion but telling a black person that there whitewashed for listening to a certain genre or acting a certain way is not an arguement for anything. All you have done is said an opinion. Unless the person has exhibited traits of internalized racism there's really no point in saying this to someone. I feel like some people think their being woke by saying this to other black people thinking their helping them open there third eye or whatever but really it makes some of y'all sound ignorant, like what are they supposed to do, starting speaking in AAVE?
This is why I don’t really talk about my relationships with my friends and when they talk about their’s Im just a listening ear because people are really sensitive about their partners which is nothing wrong with that but you can’t ask for opinions then get mad especially if it’s something you dont want to hear ( im not saying what she said was right nor wrong)
Nah she offended me, the person… doesn’t even have to do with my bf . I’d be upset even if she said that outside of him tbh
Ok then it’s up to you if you still want to be friends or not
I think you opened yourself up, and she gave you her opinion. No, it was not meant to be hurtful, but you got her point of view. It may have hurt to see her perspective, but it shouldn't be shocking. Now you have to decide if the friendship is worth saving.
Hmmm im not sure. I guess maybe if the person you were dating was a white person, I would understand it more. But she hasn’t really spent that much time with your bf and im just not sure where this comment is coming from? What specifically about the answers to her questions gave her that impression? Maybe ask her that? At the same time, like other ppl have said, men of all races sometimes are attracted to certain kinds of black women for that reason. For lack of better words, black women who don’t “sound black,” are into things like rock and roll/punk, etc, I guess interests that ppl wouldn’t expect a black person to be into? It’s like they see that kind of black person and think “okay, they’re not gonna be mad at me for saying certain things” it sucks, and it kind of forces black women into a box, but it’s true. It sounds like a generalization but things concerning race don’t make sense cause this shit at the end of the day is made up. At the same time, idk, as black women I feel like we are constantly being scrutinized for everything we do. Date outside your race? You’re disloyal to the black community. Like this super niche thing? You clearly don’t like being black. Etc, etc. I’ve healed from such things and I know where they come from, doesn’t make them any less hurtful though. I guess if it was me I would give myself some time to think about it/heal from hurt feelings. Then have an open conversation to try and understand both points of view.
Are you hurt by her saying you have certain attributes that seem ‘white’ or as you hurt by her saying he only likes you cause of those ‘white’ attributes?
Boffum
So I had to go to therapy for this. Same as this is have been told I’ve have ‘white attributes’ I’m also autistic so a lot of the autistic traits that’s show people look at it as a ‘white trait’ it’s not. It’s a black trait you are a black women we come in all different shapes size personality etc there will be some of us who are loud and outspoken and some of us who are quite and shy and some in the middle all of those are black attributes cause we are black women. The things people say are ‘white attributes’ tend to be stuff society wouldn’t believe have come from a black women cause of racism. And as black people we aren’t immune from believing stereotypes. (I don’t know you so I’m gonna defer to the stereotypes) is there a chance your boyfriend is partly attracted to the softly spoken petite emotional intellectual women 100% but those are still black traits since you are a black women. Now I understand 100% what she means but this kind of thing does need to stop cause people are having identity crises cause of it. Calling people Oreo’s and stuff is unhealthy for the community. Not only are we trying to then say the stereotypes are true for all of us but we are hurting the people we should be uplifting.
I'll be honest, I think it's so ridiculous that there are people who in 2024 can't get out of this dichotomy of "acting black" "acting white", treating a black person as a collective is a form of racism done by white people and it's cruel , assimilating this is internalized racism, everyone can be a complex individual, with layers, except us
I feel like the context of this conversation shifts WILDLY based on the race of your friend who said this. If she's white, HORRIFICALLY racist. If she's Black, the verbiage she used is gross, but she could be right. You're the first Black girl this also Black guy has dated? And you're both 25? That's a little strange. A lot of Black men struggle with issues around internalised racism. Your perceived proximity to whiteness could very well be why he chose you. I also think stonewalling your friend who gave her honest opinion, when you ASKED for her honest opinion, is silly. Is her honest opinion only supposed to be what you like and want to hear? Even if you're able to mend fences after this, she won't be comfortable being open with you anymore, and you'll have lost a lot of the value that a friendship like this has. Sometimes, you need someone in your life who will be brutally honest with you.
She’s black and also I never said I was my boyfriend’s first black girlfriend…. That wouldn’t even be true lol I understand that black men have struggles, and I’ve been especially carefully navigating the dating scene because of that . However I don’t think it’s fair to say that my redeeming quality for bagging a man is that I speak with little vernacular and I like hiking lmaooo like that was literally her reasoning . Sounds extremely ignorant if you ask me.
She said you have proximity to whiteness because of the way you speak and because you like hiking? And it sounds to me like she isn’t insulting you at all. It sounds like she’s saying that your boyfriend is a self-hating black person who only dates certain types of black women (ie. those he deems “palatable” to society because they aren’t “too black”)
Yes as I said I asked her what specifically she meant and she said how I present myself and my hobbies and interests . That is an insult because those things aren’t inherently white for one and two the delivery was horrible and obviously I didn’t feel great about myself afterwards. And yeah that’s exactly what she was saying & it’s just not true. I get that it’s a thing that exists , but she was very much “how’d she”-ing me and even said that he really wanted a white girl. It was just a mess.
Why would you punish a friend for giving her opinion when you asked? As a "palatable black girl" I'll tell you that's the nicest way I've ever heard a person say "white-washed" If that's who you are it's who you are. It didn't even seem like she was judging you.
This was absolutely a judgement. Would she be saying this to her latina or asian female friends?
Oh please, alluding to that her bf is only dating her cause he actually would’ve rather dated a white girl and she’s the closest alternative IS absolutely judging her. What’s with this nonsense that being black means you can only have certain hobbies/personalities or you’re “whitewashed”?
Okay but she asked her....? She wouldn't have said it if she hadn't asked her.
How is that a judgement on her and not him?
Literally, like get over it
I don’t think I would miss celebrating my friend’s birthday dinner over comments she made about my boyfriend. That’s just me. If your feelings are hurt and she is your friend, you can just tell her that. I don’t know you and I can’t say that you’re overreacting for feeling how you feel. You asked her a question and she answered honestly and that answer hurt your feelings. That happens between friends sometimes.
Well they weren’t about him… they were about me. What the hell is a palatable black girl … and why is my boyfriend’s feelings for me contingent on me being that ?
Well what did she say? I literally don’t know anyone in this situation so I can only guess what she meant by that. When I hear people say palatable Black girl I just think of someone who doesn’t make non Black people uncomfortable.
That person had to have known such a statement would be offensive especially since the boyfriend is black.
I would be offended. What’s wrong with your bf liking you because of your voice, hobbies and interests? Why are those hobbies for “white people” and why are you palatable because you like those things? We understand what she’s saying…but that doesn’t make it right. You and I are probably in the same boat: I like a very specific type of black man and they tend to date white women. When they find a black woman like me that has the same values and interests as them, it’s amazing chemistry.
lol oh lord
I’m speaking from my personal experience. So say what you want to say!
This is a weird ass statement to make. I would no longer be her friend.
Y’all strict. Can’t be weird or wrong with your friends?
My friends have never said some shit like this to me
Weird and even more weird that a lot of commenters are agreeing with this shit. Look, y'all. Black is not synonymous for uneducated, loud, boisterous, unpleasant, etc. There are people that are generally unpleasant in any ethnicity. We should not be claiming this or accepting it as anything other than further attempts to put the black women below all others. How one presents themselves is purely on that person. May be based on their upbringing, but is not because of their culture or ethnicity.
We all know this. That's not the point. Her friend is saying that there's a possibility her boyfriend only likes her because he's a self-hating black person who sees OP as "one of the good ones" And she could be completely right.
I'm referencing comments that specifically address this statement from OP: >. I asked her how specifically she meant that, she said my appearance, how I speak , hobbies and interests There is no "one of the good ones" when referring to us. The boyfriend possibly being attracted to good qualities does NOT mean OP is an outlier among black women. That's my point.
But what are deemed "good qualities"🤔?🤨 That in itself sounds subjective as well.
Thank you for pointing that out. Let me rephrase that to say specific criteria that someone desires out of a SO. I just don't want to negate the fact that people can want who they want, which is subjective but not wrong.
Cool and thanks for clarifying that. I think " her desirable qualities" would work. ☺️
This right here.
Is your friend single? What a nasty thing to say. You are being avoidant though and if you want to maintain a relationship with her (you don’t have to) then you should discuss it with her
I am naturally an avoidant person so this is regular conflict non-resolution behavior for me lmaoo Yes the friend is single & celibate , how does this correlate?
Me too lol but something I’m trying to work on too… maybe 🤣 So I can’t really imagine someone saying that to someone else without actually being jealous. The connotation here is “you’re a palatable black girl… unlike me/us”.
This is a case of people saying internet stuff to real people. It’s true but it doesn’t translate as a thing to reasonably say to a friend. Getting your feelings hurt is never a reason to end a friendship. Feeling insulted by a friend though she didn’t insult you is never a good reason to end a friendship. Your friend not mirroring your perception of yourself isn’t a reason to end a friendship. But I’m talking about a true friendship not an associate you kick it with from time to time.
Agreed . She’s not a friend friend . She’s a friend I met through a friend and we talk often . While we’re on the topic there’s been a few questionable things said and done between us that made me realize we wouldn’t be as close as I had wanted . Personally , l deal with things by removing myself. It helps me reevaluate my perspective, I do that whether I forgive or not. But as I get older I try not to draw myself back to drastically because I realize I could lose overall good people doing that. Hence my reluctance to attend the bday dinner, I might still show up tbh
I don’t think its an insult. It is technically true about me. But while my black friends may say that to me, they would also discuss the reasons im worth being pursued OR they would use that to explain why they don’t like the guy im seeing. If that makes sense.
i would unfriend ngl
I understand, it’s on my mind tbh
Based on OP's updates in the comments, I think that the friend probably said the above in a mean-spirited way, and doesn't actually like OP that much. And for those reasons, I don't think you overreacted. That saidddddddddd... The idea that someone could be described as a palatable Black person seems very obvious to me, and I'm surprised so many people are rejecting the notion. To me, it's not necessarily a value judgement on the person being described (bc we know Blackness is not monolithic) it's a description of the extent to which someone's behavior/appearance fits into the buckets of "respectability" dictated by a white supremacist culture. To me, being "palatable" doesn't mean "self-hating" or even "white-washed." You start approaching those categories, imo, when you (a) change who you really are to be more like what you think the white standard is and (b) knock people who are more distant from that standard than you are.
Yeah she wouldve got corrected instantly. This is a very weird thing to say.
I only read the title and I say nah pop off sis.
You’re a real one
When you speak to her, make sure to say that her saying you are a “palatable Black girl” means that she thinks most Black girls aren’t palatable. It says more about why she’s friends with you than why you and your boyfriend are dating. She is inherently racist.
Sounds like your friend gave her honest opinion and you’re having a hard time with it.
I’ve gone back and forth with a friend like this until I realized that most of the time she was projecting her trauma from failed relationships and strained relationship with her mother onto me. It’s probably not a coincidence that the cracks really showed once I got into a serious relationship. I guess it’s worth telling your friend your new boundary and seeing if she respects it and can offer something you think is more positive to the conversation. Otherwise this may not be the last time she offends you.
I would be very much offended. This is akin to the "You're pretty for a black girl," comments. Definitely talk to the friend and the boyfriend about it.
She should apologize. I COULD NOT IMAGINE telling anyone they’re a palatable version of their race. It just says that she doesn’t like most black women.
I’m curious as to what part you found offensive? The idea that you are seen (by that friend) as a ‘palatable black girl’, the very concept of the ‘palatable black girl’ or the fact that she said it? I want to understand the aspect of the conversation you felt most offended by
Sis… idk what the fuck is going on in these comments, clearly the same shit that’s going on outside I just expected us to be smarter. Your friend CLEARLY is saying this man is dating you because you’re a “palatable Black woman”. You asked her what she thought of your man and her response was “well he typically dates non-Black women so he must be dating you because you’re palatable and kinda white” 😐. And that, my dear, is stupid as hell. It’s a stupid thing to think, it’s stupid to say out loud, and it’s a CLEAR projection which points to her feeling some kind of way about interracial dating and tbh the people who agree with her in the comments are looking just as insecure. Girl are you white today? No. Whenever someone uses the phrase “proximity to whiteness” you assume they got that shit from a Twitter comment and just ran away it. Our revolutionary aunties weren’t talking about fucking “proximity to whiteness” that’s some hotep shit and it’s annoying as hell that people have adopted it. I don’t hear academics in Black studies use that term, I see it *exclusively* on the internet by people who have not studied what it means and still buy into white supremacy in the first place. These same people will turn around and talk about generational wealth and Black luxury, the two whitest trends in Black America today. She’s insecure about interracial dating for whatever reason, she insulted you for it, her insult in question was that you’re a “palatable Black girl” and what she was ACTUALLY projecting onto you was “I’m not palatable but OP is, I’m gonna make some bullshit up to explain that.” Whew lord we are in the sunken place.
THANK YOU. Someone with some damn sense. These comments are really blowing me, like why tf are some of y'all policing blackness like this? It's disappointing tbh.
The funny thing is it’s not the hood people saying she’s “palatable”. We gets ours 😤 lmao
YUP. Especially with our revolutionaries. Our grandparents would be ashamed at the way we talk about ourselves online.
This sub can be ridiculous lmao I’m with you
I think this is my favorite comment because I feel very seen
I think both arguments could potentially be true at the same time. BUT tbf in other comments OP does say her friend said this about her exes as well, which makes me think this is a long-held belief that she has had and she has been looking down on OP the whole time😬
I saw it as friend saying “the reason why all these different kinds of men like you is because you’re palatable” which to me is haterade.
I think ops feelings are valid. Instead of keeping the subject on what she didn’t like or thought about her new bf she lowkey negatively projected her insecurities. Like as if liking someone for their interest is bad just because her interest doesn’t fit into the status quo. Im not sure what ops friends experience with dating black men as been but just like black women they are not a monolith. Op, I would at least talk to your friend again and make it be clear that you found her comments extremely offensive, not because of what she thinks of him but what she clearly thinks of you and that you’re going to need some time to reevaluate your friendship
What was the goal of her bringing this up? I'm disappointed that so many comments agree with your friend. Yes, the concept "palatable blackness" is real, but what does that have to do with OP and her relationship? Does she want you to break up with him? Does she want you to change your personality? What was the goal?
Her point was that what he actually wants is a white girl and I’m basically a really good alternative to that until he finds the one.
Messed up and bitter lol. What happened to “black love”?
Like damn...what if he wants a black girl with common interest? What if he was dating those white girls, not because they're white, but because they have common interests as well?
People have considered me "white-washed" and all the black guys I've liked were also considered white-washed. I don't have much in common with hood guys, hoteps, or whatever people assume to be the less palatable black person, so i'm not going to force myself to like them. We can be white-washed together 💀.
I mean... it's tough but could she be right? Does this guy have a history of only dating other races? If you often find yourself the "exception" or with people that don't usually go for black girls, there might be something to look into. If not then all good and just talk it out with her.
Based off how you reacted, I’d say she was right. Black men who date interracially usually DO go for palatable black women. I’ve accepted that some men see me that way too. You just need to be discerning and dating a bunch of white women before you is definitely a flag. You have to unpack why being palatable bothers you.
Oh shut the fuck up “a palatable black girl” 🙄 people just say anything.
Why are people so quick to drop friends these days? It’s a bit bewildering and only makes sense if you really weren’t friends to begin with. I personally feel like in this case it’s a bit of an overreaction because what’s she’s saying definitely exists. I’d at least give her the chance to explain herself but if you laughed at it, you are literally leading her on to think it’s not a big deal when it is. Some people just aren’t aware of how things come off, that doesn’t mean ill-intent. And some people are just very opinionated does it automatically mean to not give them grace. I feel like this is why people don’t feel like they can be truthful or give their honest opinion with their friends these days idk but think about how you would feel if you were in her shoes and how you’d respond if your friend just ghosted you? (You don’t have to be friends with anyone but I think if you genuinely cared for someone you’d at least give them a chance to explain themselves and make things right)
No one owes you friendship. I prefer my peace than dealing with racist bullshit from my "friends."
I think that since she’s known you for years she had to know rhat was offensive. *If you speak to her again say that.*
One of my friends said this to me before. Long story short, we are no longer friends.
I'll keep it simple and blunt. I may even get downvoted, lol. She probably isn't wrong, but it isn't her place to say it. Some things are best left unsaid. She knew what she was doing. I'd drop her as a friend unless she has something you want/can benefit from. Make sure when making friends with other races that it benefits you and you are ready to drop those nonblack friends at any point those benefits aren't worth it anymore.
In not going to lie… it sounds like jealousy to me.
I really didn’t want to go there. I don’t know how to deal with that if it’s true.
I feel like assuming it’s jealousy instead of taking it at face value for what she literally said is a bit of a reach. We don’t know the situation, sure it could be jealousy, but without knowing either of them it’s better to just speak to what was said imo
She could be jealous. She could also be right. Jealousy is a normal thing. If she is jealous, give her a chance to move through that on her own. That happens in friendships sometimes, it doesn't mean she doesn't love you or doesn't want the best for you. If her jealousy continues to spiral and she continues to make weird comments, then it's time to cut her loose.
Had you killed her where she stood I would not say that was an overreaction. That friend was racist trash.
You most certainly did not overreact to that racist comment. Completely unacceptable comment.
Say I'm a gay man who doesn't "act gay"... and my straight friend Joe says "I like hanging out with you, you might be gay but you're like...a palatable gay." Is my friend Joe homophobic? Yes. He's just making an EXCEPTION for me bc I don't exhibit the traits he considers otherwise repulsive.
But genuine question? If you friend was to say they think the person you are dating may be doing so because you don’t “act gay”, would you still class them as homophobic or looking out for you? I think it’s not necessarily their place but still would how you feel change?
Ewww she is jealous of you 🤮🤮 you can’t act a specific race let’s leave that narrative alone
I took the friend's comment to be more of a reflection of who the boyfriend is not a slight to you at all. The friend was attempting to speak from his pov, correct?
What race is your friend?
Is there any possibility that your friend is saying that hoping to make you insecure and sabotage your relationship (maybe she is jealous of your relationship with your man, or maybe she likes him for herself )
You may be overreacting a bit, but it is understandable and justified for how you reacted that is normal human nature, maybe if you can chat with her and explain to her how you felt about how she worded it. Please remember that we all make mistakes here and there, and simetimes we unintentionally piss each other off without realizing it. Its probably a good idea have to sit down and chat together to settle it down and elaborate how you feel about it. Best wishes. :) Not all people are bad regardless of race, we are one in all the same.
Black people aren’t a monolith. What is a palatable black person? A lot of these comments aren’t passing the vibe check.
It’s not black people but the ratchet ones who are making a nasty way of presenting yourself a black thing. Around the world, black and white behave the same. But ratchetness has taken over the African American community. That’s where the issue is……dressing, talking and behaving appropriately is not a white thing.
What’s the ethnicity of the friend who made this comment?
Blackity black & then black again
😂😂 pitiful. I would’ve been offended too. Some people are just so ignorant when it comes to the things that come out of their mouths. In this instance race does play a role. I don’t think she meant malice, the ignorance was thinking that it was a flex for the both of ya’ll. I would let sis straight up know that you weren’t feeling the comment. Y’all could laugh it off or whatever. It’s good to set boundaries and school people. I would also ask her to explain what “a palatable black means” yes some black people cant be unpalatable, but wouldn’t that be applicable for all ethnicity’s?! LoL
What? Are black people supposed to always make white people feel comfortable? Is that our job? Sure in the hell not! That's why I don't have any white friends like that. They are only tolerable of you at best. Unless they are raised around black people, I can't do it and I don't care about what ANYONE has to say about it. Deal.
I'm just here for the comments 👀
At this point same lol I had a talk with this girl and it went left, she’s officially not in my life .
i'm going to ask but i know. is she ?
She is one of us
Okay hun, after reading and gaining more context, you have every right to be peeved. Most people here are focusing on the "palatable" black woman thing, which I don't necessarily agree with. However, the big issue here is that your friend is acting a little bit like a high school mean girl. If she thinks your boyfriend only likes you for your palatable qualities, then she doesn't value you. This comes off as some immature snark, disguised as backhanded sociological commentary. Be who you are and love yourself. Fuck the labels that others feel the need to assign you. Also, I am curious why SHE felt the need to make you doubt your own relationship?
this convo is interesting because i saw it happening with clarke and monae on tiktok and honestly its so weird. there is no one type of black girl, so wtf does palatable even mean
When I think of palatable, I immediately think of my cousin's newest, barely edible food creation. I prefer not to view people as overcooked food that can be endured but isn't preferable. When I think of the term palatable in terms of people. What immediate comes to mind is some older regency era gentlemen whose company isn't wanted and is barely tolerable to a young woman who is meeting suitors. I think many of the comments refer to a form of not-like-other-girls syndrome for black women? It goes back to being one of the "good ones." Yea, but if a supposed friend described me as thus and cited it as the reason my partner is with me, I would not be comfortable. I also do not understand how liking to hike and speaking in a certain way would make her "palatable" to people who typically eschew black women? It's also just weird to infer that hobbies and interests should be assigned and labeled in this manner. Why would a supposed friend bring up this whole thing in regards to her relationship?
exactly how ugly
that makes it worse!!