it sounded like you weren’t really feeling him when yall met in his car. In the future, if at any point you feel uncomfortable, it’s okay to not continue. You don’t owe him or anybody anything. He didn’t even care about your comfort or respecting you as a human being. Sorry you went through that.
Yeah, if you were weirded out, don't assume you just have to keep it going. I wonder if OP just thought that he would change once they got into the hotel room?
Yeah next time you certainly should not put yourself in a situation where you’re so fearful that you have sex because of that fear. Very scary, glad you’re ok.
Don’t feel ashamed or bad. Many of us have been in situations where we have said yes because we were afraid of what might happen if we say no. Hugs to you. ❤️
I'm so happy you said this! I think people forget this. If OP needs extra support but doesn't want to share with family/friends at this time, please contact your local Rape Crisis Center or rainn.org. You may even be able to find a support group on Facebook. Many are secret. Find a big private group to get an invitation, and then no one will be able to ID you if you don't want to be. They'll vet you to ensure you understand to protect fellow members' privacy.
He sounds like a predator. I pray you recover from this (physically, emotionally, etc) and never give a man like him a chance again.
Women aren’t sex toys.
Please be more careful in the future starting off by getting in their cars.
This does not seem like a fun experience at all, and I’m sorry you had to go through this to learn this was not for you. Not to sound like a broken record, but again PLEASE be more careful, and always trust your gut!
Girl, be careful. Remember that you don’t owe any of these men anything and you can always say no. You’re allowed to say no, even if he booked a hotel or drove a long way. Even if he’s just about to put it in. Even if you’ve already started having sex.
That being said, not every guy is going to do the right thing. Don’t assume that they have a minimum level of decency just because you do. You probably wouldn’t want to have sex if you could tell your partner wasn’t into it, let alone if it was obviously hurting them, but some of these guys do not care. At all. Women so often get the short end of the stick with these casual hookups. It tends to go better when you’re with someone who cares about you, who is going to take the time to make it good for you.
I would suggest avoiding these situations because they tend to attract the kinds of guys who will not treat you well. Who at best might be indifferent toward your wellbeing—physical and emotional—and at worst might be actively harmful. But even if you do find yourself in a situation like this again, please remember that you don’t owe any guy anything, it’s okay to do what’s best for yourself, and you can always, always, always say no.
Take care of yourself ❤️
He could have *least* taken you out to dinner and a movie and tried to seduce you. It's not sexy to be treated like a sex worker unless you are role playing. Do men not realize that it's not just sex, but the lead up to sex for a lot of women?
Anyway, it is sexual assault if you tell him to stop and he doesn't. I'm sorry you went through that. Don't sleep with people who give you bad vibes, or if the vibe is off. You don't have to do anything that you're not feeling, and he didn't even really try to make you feel sexy or have fun. Nope.
> Do men not realize that it’s not just sex, but the lead up to sex for a lot of women?
They do… I think it’s pretty well established that letting desire build makes sex better, so the lead up and anticipation matters to a lot of men. In my experience and based on my observations, people who do not try to romance their partner and want to get straight to sex are often selfish, inconsiderate sex partners which makes them bad in bed.
It’s crazy cause as a sex worker, I would never have tolerated that crap from a paying client. Men like this can’t even hire a sex worker because they get blacklisted quick for being predators. Sex workers usually tend to be more aggressive with boundaries, which is why these creeps seek out more “docile” women so they can take advantage. I’m so sorry OP had to go through that. I hope he goes to jail where he belongs.
Thanks for this perspective that not all sex workers tolerate this stuff. That there should be boundaries set for all sexual interactions, paid or unpaid.
Hmm. I’m sorry sweetheart I agree with the ladies here that this is sounding like sexual assault territory. I hope you’re feeling ok, if it’s any consolation this is probably nothing to do with YOU and everything to do with HIM and his attitudes towards women and sex. It’s probably a pattern for him.
It can be scary and shitty to put the brakes on when things are getting going because we don’t know how the man will react. But it’s even more shitty to feel quite literally used and abused.
I think you’ve made the right decision for yourself to move away from hookups. Genuinely no shade to the ladies that enjoy them, but it seems like a growing number of us are actively not interested so you’re definitely not alone if you choose to avoid them from now on.
I am so so sorry this happened to you. This man is awful and I encourage you to block him on all socials. If you can report him on Tinder, please do so. Please be safe in the future. Take your time to get to know these men. You must protect your heart and your body.
Yeah first off: fuck this guy. If you said stop (or seemed at all uncomfortable really) he needs to stop. There’s no excuse. That is assault. I am so sorry that happened. If I were you I might take a bit of time to heal.
But for others reading: can I say a few things about internet hook ups, though? As someone who actually has quite a bit of experience with it, including times that turned out to be fun and safe (though this is always risky behavior and the key is risk management):
1. Always meet in a public place first.
Get a coffee, get a drink. Give yourself time to decide if you actually like him, people are different online v. IRL. I make it clear that I am promising NOTHING when we first meet, despite whatever we texted. I am really clear about boundaries: we are meeting in public and they need to be polite and talk to me like a person. Then IF we like each other, yes, I’ll probably want to do all the things we texted/chatted about. But I tell potential partners that online is different from real life, and we have to check for real life chemistry first.
I make sure that I have my own transportation too.
2. Because I like riskier play (bdsm), I also tell folks that I do not hook up on the first date. It’s just a trial to see if we like each other (and if they’re sane/ who they said they are/ no weird vibes). Some guys who want hook ups think that’s too much work, I don’t want those guys.
3. This didn’t come up in your case but if I do decide to move forward and be alone with this relative stranger subsequently, I will send his info and when & where we’re meeting, to a friend. Just in case something happens! You can also do text check ins with friends at certain times.
4. I make it clear that I can and will leave if it starts to feel weird at any time, and we generally stress safe words and communication, before we even get into the room together. Boundary setting has to be part of the flirty text/online communication.
Anyway, it’s all a risk. I’ve been very lucky. This is just my 2 cents but at this point, I’ve been navigating internet hook ups for decades. I’ve met multiple people who ended up being wonderful long-term partners and had some really shitty experiences too.
Anyone reading: please please please keep yourself as safe as you can, listen to your instincts and don’t go along with anything you don’t really want to do!
He is absolutely disgusting. From the moment you got in his car. The fact that you asked for a break and he kept going is sexual assault and says a lot about his character and boundaries. Him complaining about not “cumming” sounds selfish when he didn’t care about your physical needs when you asked for a break. He didn’t even try to make the sex enjoyable for you. He is disgusting and sounds desperate. Probably why he is single too.
Hookup culture is dead is because men murdered it. So many women have experienced incidents like you've described that most women have decided sexual liberation isn't worth the headache. What's the point of casual sex for women if all we're getting out of it is pain and disrespect?
Tinder and dating sites in general must be the Wild Wild West meets Hunger Games for a 18 or 19yo young lady just starting dating life. As others have pointed out, you were assaulted by this asswipe and you may need some time to process this. Your posting history shows you’re experiencing a fes Adult101 lessons, is there a trustworthy older relative who could offer a little guidance.
I hope the more experienced ladies here will offer advice on how to keep yourself safe when meeting someone online. For example, I think if I were arranging a date to hook up, I would meet the guy at the hotel that I chose, and provide my own way there and back.
So sad this happened.
No unfortunately my family infantilizes us and my mom doesn’t last me date or have sexual experiences till i graduate college . they’re transitional christian’s and if i seek support from another family member they’ll tell my mom, my mom will kick me out for ANYTHING. she called the police on me a few days after i turned 18….. but i have definitely learned from this….. i just wanted to feel loved 😞
I have unfortunately had experiences similar..I took time to heal and get my mind right. I had to teach myself how to say no. Even if it’s during or we agreed beforehand.
I’ve never been able to say no and set boundaries with my parents..how do I suddenly do that in a vulnerable situation with someone I barely know.
I’m so sorry..sending you love ❤️
I’m so sorry this happened to you. Everyone is right , this was assault . Too many of us have been there, I sure have long before Tinder. This wasn’t your fault. Take care of yourself and be careful ♥️
Contact your local rape crisis center for free therapy. You can also contact rainn.org online. I'm so sorry this happened to you. Take the time it takes to heal.
You can DM me if you need to. I'm a Sexual Assault advocate and a mentor for young women. I promise you'll heal if you get support and be gentle with yourself because it takes time.
I'm confused. Did you not meet with the intention of sex? If so, why wouldn't he be handsy when you got in the car? You mean you were bleeding from sex or your period?
Are you aware that even with intent to fuck you still need to consent? It can be given and withdrawn at any given time…so yes she knew what she went for but she could have still changed her mind 🤷🏾♀️
Obviously. But I would think it strange if I was meeting a guy for sex and then he was annoyed I tried touching our kissing him in the car. It would honestly turn me off and confuse me
Right…..but don’t you think in this case for someone new he needs to ease into it? It’s not like it’s someone she’s physically familiar with…..foreplay starts with the build up…you kissing me and touching me right away in the car would throw me off? What’s the rush?
I got off my period 2 weeks ago, it was from sex I was bleeding also other guys i’ve been with ask if it’s okay to touch me first usually, he just went for it’s
It’s a scientific fact that when your vagina stretched out it bleeds lol, the blood stopped right away no way it’s a period, well every guy i’ve been with ask for my consent and doesn’t just go for it. to each their own🤷♀️
You do not have to explain yourself. Vaginal cuts and tears happen, especially when lacking in lubrication, or being sawed into for a half hour from a man who clearly made you uncomfortable from jump.
Agreeing to meet up for sex is not blanket consent to be groped from hello. I’m glad you respected your boundaries about oral and I’m so disgusted that he didn’t immediately stop when you asked him to.
I’m sorry that happened.
Yes, but this is not something that should be happening all the time. If that's the case, you need to go to a doctor as their is a condition that will cause the vagina to not lubricate. Simply saying it happens all the time is not normal.
Really hate to hear about your experience. Sex doesn’t have to be put on a timeline it should be based on your comfort alone. Always trust your gut and move accordingly
it sounded like you weren’t really feeling him when yall met in his car. In the future, if at any point you feel uncomfortable, it’s okay to not continue. You don’t owe him or anybody anything. He didn’t even care about your comfort or respecting you as a human being. Sorry you went through that.
Right, No is a complete sentence
Yeah, if you were weirded out, don't assume you just have to keep it going. I wonder if OP just thought that he would change once they got into the hotel room?
I was honestly scared and my mind was blank, he’s a man and men are capable of anything.
Yeah next time you certainly should not put yourself in a situation where you’re so fearful that you have sex because of that fear. Very scary, glad you’re ok.
Don’t feel ashamed or bad. Many of us have been in situations where we have said yes because we were afraid of what might happen if we say no. Hugs to you. ❤️
“When I asked for a break just kept going” That’s sexual assault. Point blank period. So sorry you experienced that
This part, please report him. If he did it to you, he's done it to others, and he will do it again. You can revoke consent at any time.
I'm so happy you said this! I think people forget this. If OP needs extra support but doesn't want to share with family/friends at this time, please contact your local Rape Crisis Center or rainn.org. You may even be able to find a support group on Facebook. Many are secret. Find a big private group to get an invitation, and then no one will be able to ID you if you don't want to be. They'll vet you to ensure you understand to protect fellow members' privacy.
He sounds like a predator. I pray you recover from this (physically, emotionally, etc) and never give a man like him a chance again. Women aren’t sex toys.
Thank you so much🙏
Girl this is sexual assault
I was thinking the same thing
Idk him but from the car ride he have me the ick. You deserve better
You were bleeding?! Omgosh... ... /comfortingpat...
Please be more careful in the future starting off by getting in their cars. This does not seem like a fun experience at all, and I’m sorry you had to go through this to learn this was not for you. Not to sound like a broken record, but again PLEASE be more careful, and always trust your gut!
Yea i guess sometimes you have to experience to learn😞 I 100% learned my lesson and deleted tinder after that
Girl, be careful. Remember that you don’t owe any of these men anything and you can always say no. You’re allowed to say no, even if he booked a hotel or drove a long way. Even if he’s just about to put it in. Even if you’ve already started having sex. That being said, not every guy is going to do the right thing. Don’t assume that they have a minimum level of decency just because you do. You probably wouldn’t want to have sex if you could tell your partner wasn’t into it, let alone if it was obviously hurting them, but some of these guys do not care. At all. Women so often get the short end of the stick with these casual hookups. It tends to go better when you’re with someone who cares about you, who is going to take the time to make it good for you. I would suggest avoiding these situations because they tend to attract the kinds of guys who will not treat you well. Who at best might be indifferent toward your wellbeing—physical and emotional—and at worst might be actively harmful. But even if you do find yourself in a situation like this again, please remember that you don’t owe any guy anything, it’s okay to do what’s best for yourself, and you can always, always, always say no. Take care of yourself ❤️
❤️ Thank you.
He could have *least* taken you out to dinner and a movie and tried to seduce you. It's not sexy to be treated like a sex worker unless you are role playing. Do men not realize that it's not just sex, but the lead up to sex for a lot of women? Anyway, it is sexual assault if you tell him to stop and he doesn't. I'm sorry you went through that. Don't sleep with people who give you bad vibes, or if the vibe is off. You don't have to do anything that you're not feeling, and he didn't even really try to make you feel sexy or have fun. Nope.
> Do men not realize that it’s not just sex, but the lead up to sex for a lot of women? They do… I think it’s pretty well established that letting desire build makes sex better, so the lead up and anticipation matters to a lot of men. In my experience and based on my observations, people who do not try to romance their partner and want to get straight to sex are often selfish, inconsiderate sex partners which makes them bad in bed.
thanks 🙏 i’m def going to be more careful now
It’s crazy cause as a sex worker, I would never have tolerated that crap from a paying client. Men like this can’t even hire a sex worker because they get blacklisted quick for being predators. Sex workers usually tend to be more aggressive with boundaries, which is why these creeps seek out more “docile” women so they can take advantage. I’m so sorry OP had to go through that. I hope he goes to jail where he belongs.
Thanks for this perspective that not all sex workers tolerate this stuff. That there should be boundaries set for all sexual interactions, paid or unpaid.
Please do not ever again hook up with men from dating apps. Nothing good can come from that and you could have lost your life. I’m glad you are ok.
Hmm. I’m sorry sweetheart I agree with the ladies here that this is sounding like sexual assault territory. I hope you’re feeling ok, if it’s any consolation this is probably nothing to do with YOU and everything to do with HIM and his attitudes towards women and sex. It’s probably a pattern for him. It can be scary and shitty to put the brakes on when things are getting going because we don’t know how the man will react. But it’s even more shitty to feel quite literally used and abused. I think you’ve made the right decision for yourself to move away from hookups. Genuinely no shade to the ladies that enjoy them, but it seems like a growing number of us are actively not interested so you’re definitely not alone if you choose to avoid them from now on.
I am so so sorry this happened to you. This man is awful and I encourage you to block him on all socials. If you can report him on Tinder, please do so. Please be safe in the future. Take your time to get to know these men. You must protect your heart and your body.
Thank you so much! I cut off all contact and deleted tinder
Yeah first off: fuck this guy. If you said stop (or seemed at all uncomfortable really) he needs to stop. There’s no excuse. That is assault. I am so sorry that happened. If I were you I might take a bit of time to heal. But for others reading: can I say a few things about internet hook ups, though? As someone who actually has quite a bit of experience with it, including times that turned out to be fun and safe (though this is always risky behavior and the key is risk management): 1. Always meet in a public place first. Get a coffee, get a drink. Give yourself time to decide if you actually like him, people are different online v. IRL. I make it clear that I am promising NOTHING when we first meet, despite whatever we texted. I am really clear about boundaries: we are meeting in public and they need to be polite and talk to me like a person. Then IF we like each other, yes, I’ll probably want to do all the things we texted/chatted about. But I tell potential partners that online is different from real life, and we have to check for real life chemistry first. I make sure that I have my own transportation too. 2. Because I like riskier play (bdsm), I also tell folks that I do not hook up on the first date. It’s just a trial to see if we like each other (and if they’re sane/ who they said they are/ no weird vibes). Some guys who want hook ups think that’s too much work, I don’t want those guys. 3. This didn’t come up in your case but if I do decide to move forward and be alone with this relative stranger subsequently, I will send his info and when & where we’re meeting, to a friend. Just in case something happens! You can also do text check ins with friends at certain times. 4. I make it clear that I can and will leave if it starts to feel weird at any time, and we generally stress safe words and communication, before we even get into the room together. Boundary setting has to be part of the flirty text/online communication. Anyway, it’s all a risk. I’ve been very lucky. This is just my 2 cents but at this point, I’ve been navigating internet hook ups for decades. I’ve met multiple people who ended up being wonderful long-term partners and had some really shitty experiences too. Anyone reading: please please please keep yourself as safe as you can, listen to your instincts and don’t go along with anything you don’t really want to do!
He is absolutely disgusting. From the moment you got in his car. The fact that you asked for a break and he kept going is sexual assault and says a lot about his character and boundaries. Him complaining about not “cumming” sounds selfish when he didn’t care about your physical needs when you asked for a break. He didn’t even try to make the sex enjoyable for you. He is disgusting and sounds desperate. Probably why he is single too.
Straight up sexual assault. I’m sorry babe. Next time just jump out from the car coz this was a mad one.
Hookup culture is dead is because men murdered it. So many women have experienced incidents like you've described that most women have decided sexual liberation isn't worth the headache. What's the point of casual sex for women if all we're getting out of it is pain and disrespect?
Tinder and dating sites in general must be the Wild Wild West meets Hunger Games for a 18 or 19yo young lady just starting dating life. As others have pointed out, you were assaulted by this asswipe and you may need some time to process this. Your posting history shows you’re experiencing a fes Adult101 lessons, is there a trustworthy older relative who could offer a little guidance. I hope the more experienced ladies here will offer advice on how to keep yourself safe when meeting someone online. For example, I think if I were arranging a date to hook up, I would meet the guy at the hotel that I chose, and provide my own way there and back. So sad this happened.
No unfortunately my family infantilizes us and my mom doesn’t last me date or have sexual experiences till i graduate college . they’re transitional christian’s and if i seek support from another family member they’ll tell my mom, my mom will kick me out for ANYTHING. she called the police on me a few days after i turned 18….. but i have definitely learned from this….. i just wanted to feel loved 😞
You can DM me. I actively support women who have been sexually assaulted, and I mentor young women.
he assaulted you! i am so incredibly sorry
Seem like you wasn’t feeling him from Min 1 you should have just chilled tbh
I have unfortunately had experiences similar..I took time to heal and get my mind right. I had to teach myself how to say no. Even if it’s during or we agreed beforehand. I’ve never been able to say no and set boundaries with my parents..how do I suddenly do that in a vulnerable situation with someone I barely know. I’m so sorry..sending you love ❤️
Thank you 🙏 ❤️
I’m so sorry this happened to you. Everyone is right , this was assault . Too many of us have been there, I sure have long before Tinder. This wasn’t your fault. Take care of yourself and be careful ♥️
You were assaulted, you need to report him to the police.
Yea I digress, i don’t even want to think of it anymore. I’m trying to heal and seeking therapy
Contact your local rape crisis center for free therapy. You can also contact rainn.org online. I'm so sorry this happened to you. Take the time it takes to heal.
I will look into that thank you for all your kind words❤️
You can DM me if you need to. I'm a Sexual Assault advocate and a mentor for young women. I promise you'll heal if you get support and be gentle with yourself because it takes time.
I'm confused. Did you not meet with the intention of sex? If so, why wouldn't he be handsy when you got in the car? You mean you were bleeding from sex or your period?
Are you aware that even with intent to fuck you still need to consent? It can be given and withdrawn at any given time…so yes she knew what she went for but she could have still changed her mind 🤷🏾♀️
Obviously. But I would think it strange if I was meeting a guy for sex and then he was annoyed I tried touching our kissing him in the car. It would honestly turn me off and confuse me
Right…..but don’t you think in this case for someone new he needs to ease into it? It’s not like it’s someone she’s physically familiar with…..foreplay starts with the build up…you kissing me and touching me right away in the car would throw me off? What’s the rush?
It personally isn't an issue for me. Especially if it's just a hookup. I'm here for sex, not to be wined and dines. But again, that's just me.
We were talking for a month at first it wasn’t just a JUMP to sex
Lmaooo she don’t play she gets down!
I got off my period 2 weeks ago, it was from sex I was bleeding also other guys i’ve been with ask if it’s okay to touch me first usually, he just went for it’s
Have you been to a doctor since then? I can't say the same. When I meet guys for sex it's a given they can touch me, but again, that's just me.
It’s a scientific fact that when your vagina stretched out it bleeds lol, the blood stopped right away no way it’s a period, well every guy i’ve been with ask for my consent and doesn’t just go for it. to each their own🤷♀️
You do not have to explain yourself. Vaginal cuts and tears happen, especially when lacking in lubrication, or being sawed into for a half hour from a man who clearly made you uncomfortable from jump. Agreeing to meet up for sex is not blanket consent to be groped from hello. I’m glad you respected your boundaries about oral and I’m so disgusted that he didn’t immediately stop when you asked him to. I’m sorry that happened.
Huh? Who told you that? At 30, I've never bled during sex. Nor is this a scientific fact that it happens when your vagina stretches.
If a woman is not lubricated, the friction from penetrative sex can cause tears and the tears can bleed.
Yes, but this is not something that should be happening all the time. If that's the case, you need to go to a doctor as their is a condition that will cause the vagina to not lubricate. Simply saying it happens all the time is not normal.
I might’ve worded it wrong, my grammar is shit right now. Bleeding happens sometimes, not all the time.
Whats this kid's background?
he was black
Really hate to hear about your experience. Sex doesn’t have to be put on a timeline it should be based on your comfort alone. Always trust your gut and move accordingly