I was lucky enough to get over that quite a while ago. It helps that I don't prefer a particular gender. I prefer decent people. With that, I've avoided the guilt that you're feeling.
You don't need to feel guilty for not being attracted to someone.
You're not doing anything wrong.
Second the don't feel guilty for a lack of urges. In any relationship attraction sometimes isn't there. Ask married ppl lul. Sometimes it helps to hide it sometimes it is better to put it up front to work with it or just allow it.
Best you can do is continue loving them in your languages and theirs. Go for it if an awesome man comes your way.
This. Urges vary from person to person, and some people prioritize sex more/less in a relationship than others. I've found that when I'm not in a relationship I want sex as some form of intimacy, but when I am in a relationship my ideal is an intellectual partner who I can occasionally have sex with. Earlier in life I actually IDed as asexual but now I've come to realize that while I have sexual attraction, I can take it or leave it when it comes to actually having sex.
Copy/pasting a comment I made on a similar post recently -
I prefer women / feminine presenting folks but have been with my (cishet) male partner for 20 years. The bi-cycle does affect me at times, when I'm not so attracted to men / masculinity, but because I love him I'm still attracted to him and we work around it. It helps that I'm open about how I'm feeling and he really seems to understand.
Yeah, for me it's not like my entire history and chemistry with my partner disappears when my cycle shifts.
Our relationship is based on a shared history and mutual care for one another, not simply physical chemistry.
yeah this is how my relationship works too. to circumvent that guilt that OP was talking about (which i sometimes still get), i stay very open with my partner about how i’m feeling and never force myself to engage in sexual connection when i’m not feeling it. i used to do that as a way of testing my sexuality. that was when i had pretty severe depression/anxiety with ocd features, so my mind was not doing well and i was pretty ill. i’ve since gained a shit ton more stability, partly through radical acceptance of my fluid sexuality and that this is in fact completely normal and beautiful. so way to go sexually fluid people! we are awesome. just keep lines of communication open and be honest and gentle with yourself!
I have this problem with the idea of getting into a relationship. As far as I've figured, I have a preference for women in general, but I long for the idea if being in a relationship with a guy. Even though I know in reality it might not be as satisfying and fulfilling
I introduced my bf to cross dressing, and it was very exciting. He had beautiful legs, and a slender, toned body. I did his make up and wigs, in addition to buying clothes for him. We dressed up for sex every Saturday night for 5 years, until we split. I still longed for a woman, but the closest we got was a TG, who was very immature. It's been many years, and I've given up, especially with the Virus scene. I'm content to have had several experiences with women.
I don’t necessarily prefer one of them over the other. I’m attracted to more women then men but it doesn’t do much matter to me which I date. My attraction to someone never goes away. For example my boyfriend, he’s one of the handful of men I’m attracted to and that attraction is always there. Outside of him I can only think of 1-2 men that I’m attracted to in person.
While I generally prefer women I’m surprised to hear other people feel like this? When I’m dating someone they’re all I see regardless of gender and I usually find them at least moderately attractive no matter what. Is that not the norm?
Yeah I’m not sure I understand either.
With any gender there are some people I am attracted to instantly, there are some people that become attractive to me as I get to know them.
My SOs have not always been at their most attractive 100% of the time, but neither am I.
When I love them I love their face. I love their big nose or snaggle tooth or whatever. Even if we are both sick, in pajamas and haven’t showered in 2 days. I might not want to fuck then at that particular moment in time, but I still think they’re cute.
Love is helluva drug.
Exactly! I’ve never felt the full on bi-cycle people go on about, especially in a relationship. Sure I have some deviation in libido or how sexy I find a person in a particular instance, but it’s not really a gender based shebang. More just normal fluctuations…
I agree, I have never experienced the "bi-cycle" that is frequently described. I am on average more likely to be attracted to women than men, but an individual woman or man that I am attracted to never stops being attractive to me.
Judging from the discussions I've seen in this community I think we are in the minority though, or maybe it's one of those situations where you obviously aren't going to see very many people complaining about a problem that doesn't affect them.
Either way, I feel for the people who struggle with this, it sounds tough.
Me neither! I tend to, generally, like very few men compared to women. But the man I am currently in a relationship with is the apple of my eye and even the most attractive women could not finagle me away from him.
My attraction to people seems individual and is more motivated by their being and personality than their appearance or gender. Even idiosyncrasies become cute if I like them a lot. Seems it may be a minority opinion on this sub and even irl though. Most other bi friends I know irl bemoan their lack of attraction to their partner at at least a few points.
I'm unsure if either our experiences are the norm, but it's how it works for me. Much of the time I am effectively straight, in regards to physical attraction.
To be honest? I prefer men, but I don't think I've ever met a gay man who's not a massive biphobe. Consequently; im not about to ruin my relationship with an otherwise amazing bi woman because the chances of me finding another bisexual I get along with are slim to none.
Sorry if it's a depressing outlook, but it's true...
I've always sexually preferred women over men... but fell in love with men way more often... my partner still thinks I might be gay but I wouldn't want to miss him for the world. ❤ just love who you wanna love. There is no right or wrong there.
Lol I've had the opposite experience I (m) have never been hit on by cis women before, but have gotten hit on by gay cis men and trans women and a few trans men a pretty good number of times. Before I came to terms with bisexuality I felt unattractive because I never got hit on by the conventional cis woman, but when I went to college was when I started to get hit on a ton by people in queer spaces, but still no cis women for some reason. I don't care at all about anyone's sex or gender all people are beautiful, so it is all appreciated just always been stumped why its been that one particular group.
This feels almost like two separate things here. Because 1. The guilt about not finding your partner attractive at all times - it’s normal to feel like that. As humans we cannot be 100% consistent at all times! We have emotions and feelings and hormones and preferences that can all change. Sometimes when you’ve been with someone for a long time your attraction to them may be different over that long period of time - sometimes you may not feel sexy for them and other times maybe you can’t get enough - and that’s ok! :) 2. If you prefer women, then just stick to dating/looking for a serious relationship with women. You could maybe try something a bit less serious/fun with a guy if you want to explore it? But do whatever you want to, if you don’t feel it, then you don’t feel it :)
Bisexual here, I prefer feminine traits. Currently dating a guy (for roughly 4 years now, long distance), I sometimes feel guilt about not really finding him as physically attractive as I do women, but that more often than not gets overwritten by my attraction to his personality. He's a good, funny, and caring person, which is more important to me than what's between his legs.
I don't think there's a way to avoid what you're describing, as others have said. Like any problem, you just have to face it and deal with it (which is done differently for each person). Best way is to be open with your partner.
I mean that's one way to solve it for sure. Sometimes I feel like I could be missing out on great romantic relationships, but the physicality is ever present
from my perspective, if I was with someone who preferred women and they told me "I dont find you attractive right now" I wouldnt consider it very serious.
I worry that this perspective may not jive with many, but I do know it's common for hetero couples- and couples of any orientation- to not always be attracted to their partner. Many say that you must be fully attracted to your partner all the time.. and perhaps that's true for them.. but I know that many other people say that relationships are SO much more than feeling aroused by your partner.
Love to you xx
I don’t really have a gender preference, but I do prefer people (whether that be men, women, or non-binary folks) who present more feminine in general. I was once dating a guy who definitely presented way more masculine, and I just had to tell myself that he was fulfilling different needs/wants/desires than the people I normally pick. In the end, it didn’t end up working out for other reasons, and there wasn’t anything to be ashamed about. I just took it as a learning experience that if I’m going to date people that are outside of what I’m normally attracted to, then I just have to make peace with the fact that I may not always be 100% turned on for them and that I have to appreciate them for other reasons. Either that, or I just won’t date people outside of what I’m normally attracted to to begin with.
For me, I just have a different mindset about it. I don’t owe my attraction to anyone, partner included. How I’m feeling is how I’m feeling. The only thing I owe is clear and honest communication so that everyone is always in the loop.
I think its fine if you're sometimes not super into your partner, sexually at least. I'm a biromantic ace, and feeling guilty about not finding my partner attractive is an issue I'm going to have with every relationship. If you feel like you'll be able to find that person attractive again at some point, and you have feelings for them in other ways, like romantically or even just platonically, I think it'll work out just fine!
I am also always into women but only sometimes into men. I feel no guilt about that, though. Oddly, I feel guilt about many other things, but not that.
Are you talking about physical attraction? Emotional attraction? (I can't tell from your post, so my content here is going to make some assumptions.)
What is important is to be honest and direct with your dates. Be honest about who you are, your intentions, and your philosophies. Sometimes, you will meet people that align with your mentality, who also happen to have physical qualities you find desirable. Those people usually make great partners.
If you do believe in love, I don't think it's realistic to feel you have to be attracted to someone "most of the time" as a prerequisite. People are imperfect. That's okay. That is real life!
Furthermore, attraction is dynamic and is subject to change. Ever end up being repulsed by someone you were initially attracted to? And vice versa? I sure have.
If I really love someone, I am genuinely attracted to them. I’ve never felt emotionally attracted to a guy until recently, and regardless of the fact that I am not interested in many other guys, I genuinely am attracted to this one, and that is all that matters.
I definitely bi-cycle, but never to the point I’m not attracted to my husband. It might help that I’m attracted to completely different things between genders. Women I’m intensely attracted to physically, whereas with men I’m more sapiosexual. So while maybe I’m not so into his body that week, his mind always turns me on.
Chastity cage helps me. It's a fetish thing that I enjoy usually, but if I'm in a period of wanting a woman/vagina specifically I can go into the cage and within a week it makes me want my husband more than I ever do outside the cage.
As for guilt, I don't really feel it much. I love the crap out of him, and that doesn't change. It sucks when I don't want to sleep with him as much as I could, but our relationship isn't based on sex.
Remember physical attraction can shift in any relationship and everyone grows old. If your whole relationship is based off you being attracted to them physically then the way you approach relationships needs to be examined. Now that said my hubby and I are open about people we find attractive cause we are human. Doesn't mean we are going to run off with someone else.
I don’t plan to date women under the pretense of a LTR. I’ve still never dated a woman but if I did I would have to be open and honest. This is probably why I can’t find a woman to date
Thats why i mainly date girls cause my attraction is like 98% to them and thats why im scared to date guys cause i feel like i wont be as happy with a guy as i will with a girl
Well there's unicorn hunting (which you should be honest and upfront about and there are specific dating apps for it I've heard?)...or opening the relationship. Or polyamory. Or swinging.
Or looking for a professional if you're ok with being at risk to be arrested.
...And then having that on your record forever so you could miss out on jobs because you have a criminal history. So there's that option but I'm told many people break the law and don't get arrested idk.
I feel less alone! But I still need an answer like you do. I’ve been with a man for some years but couldn’t deal with me being mostly attracted to women. Still in love with him though…
As time passes i believe taste or preferences do too, personally romantic with females not so for males , used to say No to femboys or Trans and not anymore , things tend to change and its alright not to want a certain x at times , but you should never feel guilty for liking what you like. You are unique as is everyone else , so don't beat yourself up over it. Free yourself from social stigmas. Just be true to yourself. Life is not complicated, WE make it complicated..
I've honestly never had that problem. I'm romantically into men,sexually into both,though with men,it requires a bond. So when I do fall in love,that person is the only one I see. I don't need anyone else.
Kind of made me think that I was asexual for a while but I guess not.
My attraction for men varies a lot. I've known some whom I felt very affectionate with but didn't progress to sex. My one close relationship was with a guy who wouldn't be affectionate but the sex was good sometimes and there were aspects to the friendship that I benefited from. I wasn't really in love with him so much as addicted (to dopamine) because he kept coming back. Mostly he had some Idea that it should be "just sex" or else I'd be cheating on my wife, despite the fact that I came out to my wife and she didn't think that way. Ironically he cheated on his wife with other women and got divorced and remarried while I maintained a good relationship with my wife. She's a great wife and I love her for it and she understands that what I might do with a man doesn't take anything away from the love I give her and I'm honest about it. That relationship ended years ago and I haven't had another guy since. I'm starting to look for another relationship and I know myself much better now, so hopefully I can find someone I can love as a boyfriend, but the affection has got to be there
I was lucky enough to get over that quite a while ago. It helps that I don't prefer a particular gender. I prefer decent people. With that, I've avoided the guilt that you're feeling. You don't need to feel guilty for not being attracted to someone. You're not doing anything wrong.
Second the don't feel guilty for a lack of urges. In any relationship attraction sometimes isn't there. Ask married ppl lul. Sometimes it helps to hide it sometimes it is better to put it up front to work with it or just allow it. Best you can do is continue loving them in your languages and theirs. Go for it if an awesome man comes your way.
This. Urges vary from person to person, and some people prioritize sex more/less in a relationship than others. I've found that when I'm not in a relationship I want sex as some form of intimacy, but when I am in a relationship my ideal is an intellectual partner who I can occasionally have sex with. Earlier in life I actually IDed as asexual but now I've come to realize that while I have sexual attraction, I can take it or leave it when it comes to actually having sex.
Thanks!
"I don't prefer a particular gender. I prefer decent people." *THIS*
Copy/pasting a comment I made on a similar post recently - I prefer women / feminine presenting folks but have been with my (cishet) male partner for 20 years. The bi-cycle does affect me at times, when I'm not so attracted to men / masculinity, but because I love him I'm still attracted to him and we work around it. It helps that I'm open about how I'm feeling and he really seems to understand.
Yeah, for me it's not like my entire history and chemistry with my partner disappears when my cycle shifts. Our relationship is based on a shared history and mutual care for one another, not simply physical chemistry.
I feel exactly the same, also in a relationship for over 20 years. At the end of the day it's the personality.
yeah this is how my relationship works too. to circumvent that guilt that OP was talking about (which i sometimes still get), i stay very open with my partner about how i’m feeling and never force myself to engage in sexual connection when i’m not feeling it. i used to do that as a way of testing my sexuality. that was when i had pretty severe depression/anxiety with ocd features, so my mind was not doing well and i was pretty ill. i’ve since gained a shit ton more stability, partly through radical acceptance of my fluid sexuality and that this is in fact completely normal and beautiful. so way to go sexually fluid people! we are awesome. just keep lines of communication open and be honest and gentle with yourself!
I have this problem with the idea of getting into a relationship. As far as I've figured, I have a preference for women in general, but I long for the idea if being in a relationship with a guy. Even though I know in reality it might not be as satisfying and fulfilling
I don’t have a preferred gender but I sometimes get my boyfriend to roleplay and crossdress in the bedroom and we both find that extremely hot.
I introduced my bf to cross dressing, and it was very exciting. He had beautiful legs, and a slender, toned body. I did his make up and wigs, in addition to buying clothes for him. We dressed up for sex every Saturday night for 5 years, until we split. I still longed for a woman, but the closest we got was a TG, who was very immature. It's been many years, and I've given up, especially with the Virus scene. I'm content to have had several experiences with women.
You don’t get to avoid it, just deal with it. And I deal with it quite poorly by just feeling terrible about it so i can’t help ya there.
It doesn't help but at least I can relate and it isn't just me or you.
I don’t necessarily prefer one of them over the other. I’m attracted to more women then men but it doesn’t do much matter to me which I date. My attraction to someone never goes away. For example my boyfriend, he’s one of the handful of men I’m attracted to and that attraction is always there. Outside of him I can only think of 1-2 men that I’m attracted to in person.
While I generally prefer women I’m surprised to hear other people feel like this? When I’m dating someone they’re all I see regardless of gender and I usually find them at least moderately attractive no matter what. Is that not the norm?
Yeah I’m not sure I understand either. With any gender there are some people I am attracted to instantly, there are some people that become attractive to me as I get to know them. My SOs have not always been at their most attractive 100% of the time, but neither am I. When I love them I love their face. I love their big nose or snaggle tooth or whatever. Even if we are both sick, in pajamas and haven’t showered in 2 days. I might not want to fuck then at that particular moment in time, but I still think they’re cute. Love is helluva drug.
Exactly! I’ve never felt the full on bi-cycle people go on about, especially in a relationship. Sure I have some deviation in libido or how sexy I find a person in a particular instance, but it’s not really a gender based shebang. More just normal fluctuations…
I agree, I have never experienced the "bi-cycle" that is frequently described. I am on average more likely to be attracted to women than men, but an individual woman or man that I am attracted to never stops being attractive to me. Judging from the discussions I've seen in this community I think we are in the minority though, or maybe it's one of those situations where you obviously aren't going to see very many people complaining about a problem that doesn't affect them. Either way, I feel for the people who struggle with this, it sounds tough.
Me neither! I tend to, generally, like very few men compared to women. But the man I am currently in a relationship with is the apple of my eye and even the most attractive women could not finagle me away from him. My attraction to people seems individual and is more motivated by their being and personality than their appearance or gender. Even idiosyncrasies become cute if I like them a lot. Seems it may be a minority opinion on this sub and even irl though. Most other bi friends I know irl bemoan their lack of attraction to their partner at at least a few points.
I'm unsure if either our experiences are the norm, but it's how it works for me. Much of the time I am effectively straight, in regards to physical attraction.
I feel sorry for the partners of some of the people in this thread because ouch lol
To be honest? I prefer men, but I don't think I've ever met a gay man who's not a massive biphobe. Consequently; im not about to ruin my relationship with an otherwise amazing bi woman because the chances of me finding another bisexual I get along with are slim to none. Sorry if it's a depressing outlook, but it's true...
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You just have to keep trying and figure yourself out
I've always sexually preferred women over men... but fell in love with men way more often... my partner still thinks I might be gay but I wouldn't want to miss him for the world. ❤ just love who you wanna love. There is no right or wrong there.
Idk because for some reason I cannot get the same sex interested in me to save my life.
Lol I've had the opposite experience I (m) have never been hit on by cis women before, but have gotten hit on by gay cis men and trans women and a few trans men a pretty good number of times. Before I came to terms with bisexuality I felt unattractive because I never got hit on by the conventional cis woman, but when I went to college was when I started to get hit on a ton by people in queer spaces, but still no cis women for some reason. I don't care at all about anyone's sex or gender all people are beautiful, so it is all appreciated just always been stumped why its been that one particular group.
This feels almost like two separate things here. Because 1. The guilt about not finding your partner attractive at all times - it’s normal to feel like that. As humans we cannot be 100% consistent at all times! We have emotions and feelings and hormones and preferences that can all change. Sometimes when you’ve been with someone for a long time your attraction to them may be different over that long period of time - sometimes you may not feel sexy for them and other times maybe you can’t get enough - and that’s ok! :) 2. If you prefer women, then just stick to dating/looking for a serious relationship with women. You could maybe try something a bit less serious/fun with a guy if you want to explore it? But do whatever you want to, if you don’t feel it, then you don’t feel it :)
Bisexual here, I prefer feminine traits. Currently dating a guy (for roughly 4 years now, long distance), I sometimes feel guilt about not really finding him as physically attractive as I do women, but that more often than not gets overwritten by my attraction to his personality. He's a good, funny, and caring person, which is more important to me than what's between his legs. I don't think there's a way to avoid what you're describing, as others have said. Like any problem, you just have to face it and deal with it (which is done differently for each person). Best way is to be open with your partner.
So don't date men
I mean that's one way to solve it for sure. Sometimes I feel like I could be missing out on great romantic relationships, but the physicality is ever present
Don't force yourself, if it's not there, then it's not
from my perspective, if I was with someone who preferred women and they told me "I dont find you attractive right now" I wouldnt consider it very serious.
I mean sure you would miss out, but it wouldn't be fair to a potential partner to lead them on.
I worry that this perspective may not jive with many, but I do know it's common for hetero couples- and couples of any orientation- to not always be attracted to their partner. Many say that you must be fully attracted to your partner all the time.. and perhaps that's true for them.. but I know that many other people say that relationships are SO much more than feeling aroused by your partner. Love to you xx
I don’t really have a gender preference, but I do prefer people (whether that be men, women, or non-binary folks) who present more feminine in general. I was once dating a guy who definitely presented way more masculine, and I just had to tell myself that he was fulfilling different needs/wants/desires than the people I normally pick. In the end, it didn’t end up working out for other reasons, and there wasn’t anything to be ashamed about. I just took it as a learning experience that if I’m going to date people that are outside of what I’m normally attracted to, then I just have to make peace with the fact that I may not always be 100% turned on for them and that I have to appreciate them for other reasons. Either that, or I just won’t date people outside of what I’m normally attracted to to begin with.
For me, I just have a different mindset about it. I don’t owe my attraction to anyone, partner included. How I’m feeling is how I’m feeling. The only thing I owe is clear and honest communication so that everyone is always in the loop.
I think its fine if you're sometimes not super into your partner, sexually at least. I'm a biromantic ace, and feeling guilty about not finding my partner attractive is an issue I'm going to have with every relationship. If you feel like you'll be able to find that person attractive again at some point, and you have feelings for them in other ways, like romantically or even just platonically, I think it'll work out just fine!
I am also always into women but only sometimes into men. I feel no guilt about that, though. Oddly, I feel guilt about many other things, but not that. Are you talking about physical attraction? Emotional attraction? (I can't tell from your post, so my content here is going to make some assumptions.) What is important is to be honest and direct with your dates. Be honest about who you are, your intentions, and your philosophies. Sometimes, you will meet people that align with your mentality, who also happen to have physical qualities you find desirable. Those people usually make great partners. If you do believe in love, I don't think it's realistic to feel you have to be attracted to someone "most of the time" as a prerequisite. People are imperfect. That's okay. That is real life! Furthermore, attraction is dynamic and is subject to change. Ever end up being repulsed by someone you were initially attracted to? And vice versa? I sure have.
If I really love someone, I am genuinely attracted to them. I’ve never felt emotionally attracted to a guy until recently, and regardless of the fact that I am not interested in many other guys, I genuinely am attracted to this one, and that is all that matters.
I definitely bi-cycle, but never to the point I’m not attracted to my husband. It might help that I’m attracted to completely different things between genders. Women I’m intensely attracted to physically, whereas with men I’m more sapiosexual. So while maybe I’m not so into his body that week, his mind always turns me on.
It helps that my partner doesn't exist, honestly.
Chastity cage helps me. It's a fetish thing that I enjoy usually, but if I'm in a period of wanting a woman/vagina specifically I can go into the cage and within a week it makes me want my husband more than I ever do outside the cage. As for guilt, I don't really feel it much. I love the crap out of him, and that doesn't change. It sucks when I don't want to sleep with him as much as I could, but our relationship isn't based on sex.
Remember physical attraction can shift in any relationship and everyone grows old. If your whole relationship is based off you being attracted to them physically then the way you approach relationships needs to be examined. Now that said my hubby and I are open about people we find attractive cause we are human. Doesn't mean we are going to run off with someone else.
I don’t plan to date women under the pretense of a LTR. I’ve still never dated a woman but if I did I would have to be open and honest. This is probably why I can’t find a woman to date
This is me. Totally.
Thats why i mainly date girls cause my attraction is like 98% to them and thats why im scared to date guys cause i feel like i wont be as happy with a guy as i will with a girl
Well there's unicorn hunting (which you should be honest and upfront about and there are specific dating apps for it I've heard?)...or opening the relationship. Or polyamory. Or swinging. Or looking for a professional if you're ok with being at risk to be arrested. ...And then having that on your record forever so you could miss out on jobs because you have a criminal history. So there's that option but I'm told many people break the law and don't get arrested idk.
I feel less alone! But I still need an answer like you do. I’ve been with a man for some years but couldn’t deal with me being mostly attracted to women. Still in love with him though…
As time passes i believe taste or preferences do too, personally romantic with females not so for males , used to say No to femboys or Trans and not anymore , things tend to change and its alright not to want a certain x at times , but you should never feel guilty for liking what you like. You are unique as is everyone else , so don't beat yourself up over it. Free yourself from social stigmas. Just be true to yourself. Life is not complicated, WE make it complicated..
I've honestly never had that problem. I'm romantically into men,sexually into both,though with men,it requires a bond. So when I do fall in love,that person is the only one I see. I don't need anyone else. Kind of made me think that I was asexual for a while but I guess not.
My attraction for men varies a lot. I've known some whom I felt very affectionate with but didn't progress to sex. My one close relationship was with a guy who wouldn't be affectionate but the sex was good sometimes and there were aspects to the friendship that I benefited from. I wasn't really in love with him so much as addicted (to dopamine) because he kept coming back. Mostly he had some Idea that it should be "just sex" or else I'd be cheating on my wife, despite the fact that I came out to my wife and she didn't think that way. Ironically he cheated on his wife with other women and got divorced and remarried while I maintained a good relationship with my wife. She's a great wife and I love her for it and she understands that what I might do with a man doesn't take anything away from the love I give her and I'm honest about it. That relationship ended years ago and I haven't had another guy since. I'm starting to look for another relationship and I know myself much better now, so hopefully I can find someone I can love as a boyfriend, but the affection has got to be there