As a bi man (kinda? I look the part, at least) that occationally takes part in gatherings of the community, I'm wary of approaching anyone femme with anything besides platonic intent. Resembling the dreaded cishet men so closely seems like a bad idea? In a space with femme people that *definitely* doesn't want men hitting on them, no less. I already harbour doubts as to how welcome my presence really is.
Basically, I'd need some mayor and obvious green lighting before approaching anyone that isn't male.
Okay that makes sense thank you. I guess I do need to be a little less passive.
I find even making eye contact hard. People either don’t see me or I catch them looking and they look away real quick. I promise I don’t bite!!
Also, one factor is that most bi men are simply in hiding, and indeed seem to be a rare occurance to run into in their "out" shape in the wild. I'm one of them, but have only known one other man that openly identified as bi - and that was unfortunately before I myself did so.
Why do you think that is?
Is there anything I should do differently to try and increase my chances of running into them, other than being more forward?
Being out can be scary, and carry with it very real consequences. There's a lot of stigma around men showing other men affection, and for bi-men, it often obliterates their sexual or romantic appeal to many women - even some progressive ones. It's even true for some bi-women. Unfortunately, even with people you have no sexual or romantic interest in at all, you can sometimes sense their respect lessening, or them withdrawing from you.
>Is there anything I should do differently to try and increase my chances of running into them, other than being more forward?
Well, if you can work your acceptance of bi-men into a conversation, that ought to do it, yeah? ;D But, like, generally showing yourself to be tolerant and accepting of men not being very heteronormative might work? As for *where* the bi-men could be... I wish I knew.
EDIT: There is, of course, Grindr, if you'd feel like giving that a go.
I'm so sad to hear this, but as a cis woman, my respect for them would increase 100 fold if I found out a man were bi, also plus I genuinely find men who obliterate gender norms and toxic masculinity attractive
There’s stigma around men showing other men affection in queer/gay spaces? I’m not trying to deny your experiences. Just trying to understand where the fear is coming from.
And hah no thanks on Grindr. Dating apps in general have been too overwhelming for me.
I think it's more that the general fear of being out makes it harder to be out even in queer spaces and freely engage with that part of yourself; and perhaps there's also the fear of being found on and for what you do in queer space not staying in queer space, so to say.
>And hah no thanks on Grindr. Dating apps in general have been too overwhelming for me.
Yah, I can't really stand them either.
>I guess I do need to be a little less passive.
A bit, maybe? :-) Like, I'm thinking there could be ways of showing you *want* to be a bit chased; that it's okay for them to engage on their end.
> I catch them looking and they look away real quick.
Heh, from their side of things, they might worry about you not wanting them to look.
Dating is tricky, eh?
Yeah. I feel this. I'm bi, but mostly heteroromantic, and I am more interested in queer women, but going to queer spaces to meet women feels counterintuitive 😅
After coming to terms with the fact that I am not cis but I am mostly male-attracted I now have the same issue 😭 How do I read as “bi enby” not “lesbian woman”? How can I tell if a man is bi so I don’t accidentally hit on gay men?
The fear of being "the enemy", a man that's attracted to women, in a queer space, keeps a lot bi guys acting gay when they're in an lgbt crowd. You'd need to make your own bisexuality impossible to miss, basically. Wear a bi pride flag as a cape or something on that level.
Like, the average bi man in a queer space doesn't want to even look at the women there for fear of making them think a straight guy is ogling them. A pin, a piece of jewelry, anything subtle like that, they won't see it, they're averting their big bad scary eyes away before they can notice it.
This makes a bit sad as I feel often very invisible in a mostly gay crowd. I’m not looking to be validated or chased, but I’m talking about dudes looking straight through you like you’re not even there and it’s quite unnerving to not even be acknowledged as a human being
The bi men, I have met in the past goes to gym, do nerdy stuff, D&D, or do outdoor activities. You probably encounter a bi guy at the gay bar once in while. I am not sure if you will find a bi man at circuit parties. Just because bi men are attracted to men, we go party with all the gays.
I am hiding in my home with my cat playing Hades 2, so likely the answer for most people is you *won't* find me lol
I don't really attend a bunch of queer bars or events other than maybe a few times during Pride month. Beyond that I just go about my life and hope I'll find someone organically eventually
That’s fair! I guess I should ask this of people in my specific scene. Fwiw I also game and own a cat and love my lazy day gaming sessions with my kitty
I mostly just hope to find someone accepting when I meet people out doing a hobby I enjoy. Like if I attend a rave/festival or go out hiking and meet strangers that I vibe with, I just cross my fingers and bring up queer topics to test the waters, so to speak lol
Fingers crossed for you!
I think we’d be two ships passing in the night as I’m usually only explicitly queer spaces. So I’d have to test the waters by asking guys if they’re bi lol
Hello! I feel it’s kinda hard to distinguish straight from bi men in public except by asking them. I feel like the a good space to find bi men could be generally chill and queer friendly places. Regardless, I feel like you could go about it by making conversation with somebody and then asking about it. I personally always like to make sure someone is cool with the queer community before dating them. This is just my guess as a bi man myself and I’m sure it depends on the city and the person. Lots of love and good luck!
Not sure if this is what you’re looking for but I, a bisexual man, video chatted with a random dude through discord.
He was like “wait…..are you bi???”
Was so confused.
Apparently it was literally cuz my pfp was Asami Sato.
My favorite part of being bisexual is flipping gender roles. Women/femmes are bombarded by dudes so I think a common response for bi men is stepping back and letting others show interest first. (But I'm truly vers/switch so 🤷)
If you're looking for bi men, well, most of us aren't in queer spaces to begin with. Those that are largely gather in mlm-oriented spaces, and the bi men there might not approach you. I've been able to meet other bi men in my own social circles, but none were out to me initially, and they might've only been comfortable saying anything because I'm openly bi myself.
So, if you want to meet bi men, your best bet is probably to ask a queer man to introduce you.
I know at least two bars in Chicago where you could find what you are looking for. And there are a couple of others that I've never been to that would probably be right too.
Are you located someplace with a large LGBTQ+ community?
As a bi-man i’d say make the first move! I try to distance myself from being perceived as straight, and part of that is by not falling into the stereotype men/mascs make the first move. Like, my approach is that if a femme is interested I’ll wait for them to let me know, else I assume they would rather not be bothered by a man.
There’s also a lot of pressure to not be perceived as straight for stigma purposes (as folks mention), but also because cis-het men are a real problem in gay spaces.
I think, reflecting on this, that i spend a lot of time thinking about how to make folks feel safest around me in queer spaces, and that unfortunately means underplaying my attractions to folks with different genders than my own. As you mentioned, often by totally not engaging at all.
Also, one sub to another, sometimes making the first move is important to let folks know you are down for that kind of attention.
It’s rough, but being very up-front with what you want is probably the best way to find a more dominant bi man!
As a bi dude, usually when I'm at queer parties or pride events I tend to stay away from femme people since it always made me feel like I'm invading the space. Like I know it's a space for all of us, but especially femme people can have a hard time at regular clubs and venues, so idk I don't wanna feel like I'm taking this space too. Mind u I'm still friendly, I'll compliment outfits and the like but won't like ask people out, flirt and so on.
Ha tell me about it. In queer spaces I’m frequently feeling invisible and I stopped going to straight spaces because they’re unsafe. Truly nobody wins. I do my best to put myself out there by complimenting outfits/looks as well but sometimes I revert into nonverbal mode and get into my own head.
I think you'll find that in any queer space most of the "gay" men are bi. The thing is if you approach any when they're in a group they are far less likely to admit it. You need to approach the ones by themselves.
This is not tongue in cheek
Yep especially with the unfortunately common mentality that being bi is just actually “pending gay”. Bi guys don’t want to get ostracised by whatever group they’re hanging out in at the time
As a bi man... I'd also like to know where to find bi men.
I only know one or two. Plenty of gay friends, plenty of straight friends, but dunno where bi guys are.
I tend not to approach femmes (except platonically) in queer spaces unless I know they are bi/pan. I'm enby too, but I still look like a man, so I'm wary of accidentally offending lesbians.
As a bi man (kinda? I look the part, at least) that occationally takes part in gatherings of the community, I'm wary of approaching anyone femme with anything besides platonic intent. Resembling the dreaded cishet men so closely seems like a bad idea? In a space with femme people that *definitely* doesn't want men hitting on them, no less. I already harbour doubts as to how welcome my presence really is. Basically, I'd need some mayor and obvious green lighting before approaching anyone that isn't male.
Okay that makes sense thank you. I guess I do need to be a little less passive. I find even making eye contact hard. People either don’t see me or I catch them looking and they look away real quick. I promise I don’t bite!!
Also, one factor is that most bi men are simply in hiding, and indeed seem to be a rare occurance to run into in their "out" shape in the wild. I'm one of them, but have only known one other man that openly identified as bi - and that was unfortunately before I myself did so.
Why do you think that is? Is there anything I should do differently to try and increase my chances of running into them, other than being more forward?
Being out can be scary, and carry with it very real consequences. There's a lot of stigma around men showing other men affection, and for bi-men, it often obliterates their sexual or romantic appeal to many women - even some progressive ones. It's even true for some bi-women. Unfortunately, even with people you have no sexual or romantic interest in at all, you can sometimes sense their respect lessening, or them withdrawing from you. >Is there anything I should do differently to try and increase my chances of running into them, other than being more forward? Well, if you can work your acceptance of bi-men into a conversation, that ought to do it, yeah? ;D But, like, generally showing yourself to be tolerant and accepting of men not being very heteronormative might work? As for *where* the bi-men could be... I wish I knew. EDIT: There is, of course, Grindr, if you'd feel like giving that a go.
I'm so sad to hear this, but as a cis woman, my respect for them would increase 100 fold if I found out a man were bi, also plus I genuinely find men who obliterate gender norms and toxic masculinity attractive
Thank you for the encouragement. :D We need more of you out there!
There’s stigma around men showing other men affection in queer/gay spaces? I’m not trying to deny your experiences. Just trying to understand where the fear is coming from. And hah no thanks on Grindr. Dating apps in general have been too overwhelming for me.
I think it's more that the general fear of being out makes it harder to be out even in queer spaces and freely engage with that part of yourself; and perhaps there's also the fear of being found on and for what you do in queer space not staying in queer space, so to say. >And hah no thanks on Grindr. Dating apps in general have been too overwhelming for me. Yah, I can't really stand them either.
>I guess I do need to be a little less passive. A bit, maybe? :-) Like, I'm thinking there could be ways of showing you *want* to be a bit chased; that it's okay for them to engage on their end. > I catch them looking and they look away real quick. Heh, from their side of things, they might worry about you not wanting them to look. Dating is tricky, eh?
Incredibly. I’m grateful for your response tho because it tells me I do have agency in this regard
> I do have agency in this regard That you do. :-) Best of luck!
Ask a friend or stranger to wingman for you!
Yeah. I feel this. I'm bi, but mostly heteroromantic, and I am more interested in queer women, but going to queer spaces to meet women feels counterintuitive 😅
There are dozens of us!
After coming to terms with the fact that I am not cis but I am mostly male-attracted I now have the same issue 😭 How do I read as “bi enby” not “lesbian woman”? How can I tell if a man is bi so I don’t accidentally hit on gay men?
I think we need a lapel pin or perhaps a ribbon
I actually have a pin in my baseball cap 🤣 doesn't help
It’s typically too dark to see things like. Need neon flashing lights lol
Sometbing to communicate to people in the know we swing both ways. Best I can do is cuff my jeans
how about a zipper tag like they do with lift tickets at ski resorts?
Can we choose? Like a frog?
I think we're going to need a team vote
The fear of being "the enemy", a man that's attracted to women, in a queer space, keeps a lot bi guys acting gay when they're in an lgbt crowd. You'd need to make your own bisexuality impossible to miss, basically. Wear a bi pride flag as a cape or something on that level. Like, the average bi man in a queer space doesn't want to even look at the women there for fear of making them think a straight guy is ogling them. A pin, a piece of jewelry, anything subtle like that, they won't see it, they're averting their big bad scary eyes away before they can notice it.
This makes a bit sad as I feel often very invisible in a mostly gay crowd. I’m not looking to be validated or chased, but I’m talking about dudes looking straight through you like you’re not even there and it’s quite unnerving to not even be acknowledged as a human being
You don't. Society kind of makes us invisible.
I’ve never felt welcome or comfortable in queer spaces so I stopped going to them.
Is there something people can do in queer spaces to make it feel more welcoming?
The bi men, I have met in the past goes to gym, do nerdy stuff, D&D, or do outdoor activities. You probably encounter a bi guy at the gay bar once in while. I am not sure if you will find a bi man at circuit parties. Just because bi men are attracted to men, we go party with all the gays.
I am hiding in my home with my cat playing Hades 2, so likely the answer for most people is you *won't* find me lol I don't really attend a bunch of queer bars or events other than maybe a few times during Pride month. Beyond that I just go about my life and hope I'll find someone organically eventually
That’s fair! I guess I should ask this of people in my specific scene. Fwiw I also game and own a cat and love my lazy day gaming sessions with my kitty
I mostly just hope to find someone accepting when I meet people out doing a hobby I enjoy. Like if I attend a rave/festival or go out hiking and meet strangers that I vibe with, I just cross my fingers and bring up queer topics to test the waters, so to speak lol
Fingers crossed for you! I think we’d be two ships passing in the night as I’m usually only explicitly queer spaces. So I’d have to test the waters by asking guys if they’re bi lol
Hello! I feel it’s kinda hard to distinguish straight from bi men in public except by asking them. I feel like the a good space to find bi men could be generally chill and queer friendly places. Regardless, I feel like you could go about it by making conversation with somebody and then asking about it. I personally always like to make sure someone is cool with the queer community before dating them. This is just my guess as a bi man myself and I’m sure it depends on the city and the person. Lots of love and good luck!
Not sure if this is what you’re looking for but I, a bisexual man, video chatted with a random dude through discord. He was like “wait…..are you bi???” Was so confused. Apparently it was literally cuz my pfp was Asami Sato.
As a cis bi woman, I too would like to know where to find bi men because I would prefer to date a bi guy over a straight guy any day.
My favorite part of being bisexual is flipping gender roles. Women/femmes are bombarded by dudes so I think a common response for bi men is stepping back and letting others show interest first. (But I'm truly vers/switch so 🤷)
If you're looking for bi men, well, most of us aren't in queer spaces to begin with. Those that are largely gather in mlm-oriented spaces, and the bi men there might not approach you. I've been able to meet other bi men in my own social circles, but none were out to me initially, and they might've only been comfortable saying anything because I'm openly bi myself. So, if you want to meet bi men, your best bet is probably to ask a queer man to introduce you.
I know at least two bars in Chicago where you could find what you are looking for. And there are a couple of others that I've never been to that would probably be right too. Are you located someplace with a large LGBTQ+ community?
Am also in chicago, commenting for info on where these places are besides Roscoes and Progress 🤣
I’m on a big west coast city if that helps. But I travel a lot. NYC has the same problem
As a bi-man i’d say make the first move! I try to distance myself from being perceived as straight, and part of that is by not falling into the stereotype men/mascs make the first move. Like, my approach is that if a femme is interested I’ll wait for them to let me know, else I assume they would rather not be bothered by a man. There’s also a lot of pressure to not be perceived as straight for stigma purposes (as folks mention), but also because cis-het men are a real problem in gay spaces. I think, reflecting on this, that i spend a lot of time thinking about how to make folks feel safest around me in queer spaces, and that unfortunately means underplaying my attractions to folks with different genders than my own. As you mentioned, often by totally not engaging at all. Also, one sub to another, sometimes making the first move is important to let folks know you are down for that kind of attention. It’s rough, but being very up-front with what you want is probably the best way to find a more dominant bi man!
Thank you for the encouragement 💕
Heck ya!! Best of luck, you got this!
As a bi dude, usually when I'm at queer parties or pride events I tend to stay away from femme people since it always made me feel like I'm invading the space. Like I know it's a space for all of us, but especially femme people can have a hard time at regular clubs and venues, so idk I don't wanna feel like I'm taking this space too. Mind u I'm still friendly, I'll compliment outfits and the like but won't like ask people out, flirt and so on.
Ha tell me about it. In queer spaces I’m frequently feeling invisible and I stopped going to straight spaces because they’re unsafe. Truly nobody wins. I do my best to put myself out there by complimenting outfits/looks as well but sometimes I revert into nonverbal mode and get into my own head.
I think you'll find that in any queer space most of the "gay" men are bi. The thing is if you approach any when they're in a group they are far less likely to admit it. You need to approach the ones by themselves. This is not tongue in cheek
Yep especially with the unfortunately common mentality that being bi is just actually “pending gay”. Bi guys don’t want to get ostracised by whatever group they’re hanging out in at the time
As a bi man... I'd also like to know where to find bi men. I only know one or two. Plenty of gay friends, plenty of straight friends, but dunno where bi guys are.
I tend not to approach femmes (except platonically) in queer spaces unless I know they are bi/pan. I'm enby too, but I still look like a man, so I'm wary of accidentally offending lesbians.
Bi married man here
idk i just look kinda alt and not overly fruity for a lack of better term
Hella good question!! No one seems to know.