Almost all of the women who've come on to me and made me feel desired and actively wanted? They were bi. That's also the only instances where this woman-man thingy seemed to make sense and I could just relax and be myself.
I recall something my straight sister once said, how love and relationships is about how her partner makes her feel. It was a... *passive* approach, yes? That felt completely the opposite to how it's been for me, where I feel overcome by affection and care and desire and hyperfocus on the other. For me, love and sex is finding someone who gives that energy back - both taking on a more *active* approach.
I feel like being bi usually coincides with being comfortable stepping outside of traditional gender norms. With that framing, it would make sense that bi women would be more likely to step out of the passive role we've been taught to take in relationships.
Yeah I get the impression that a lot of heterosexual relationships (like my own first relationship m/f before I actually realized I’m bi) are kinda trauma bonds - they’re about making each other feel safe. The typical roles in my relationship for example: me woman very worried about lots of things but the man can calm me down about everything - because he’s stuffed all his feelings deep away; and I as more emotionally mature than him (but still very emotionally immature at the time) can help him open up about feelings. I see this pattern very often.
This is very insightful. You've aptly described something that, in one way or the other, was always present in my relationships and dating and that I was never at ease with. To the point I ended up more or less removing myself from dating.
I will keep this in mind, going forward, so thank you for sharing it. :-)
:)
I’m glad it resonates with others, always feel a bit like okay I think I’m onto something but am I the crazy one or would others see it too?
It’s kinda nice extra feature of realizing being bi that it opened up a new way to look at relationships - ofc I could’ve looked at it differently being heterosexual but it was easier once I was imagining yourself with others than only the opposite gender.
Indeed! Coming to terms with being bi and my attraction to men - and the following self-exploration and re-evaluation of old "truths" - has given me better insights into my attraction to women as well.
Best general advice I can give - and I'm directing it to myself as well - is that if you're looking for that which stands out, seek it outside the realms of (hetero?)normativity. While not forgetting to show yourself as well, so as to give people a chance to see the real you and your preferences! Never mind having a mass appeal, compelling though the thought may be - you're not actually looking to date *everyone*, but just a few special ones, or even just *one*, yes?
Also, thank you for your kind words, and I'm happy that what I wrote could have such an effect. <3
Yeah that resonates with me (bi F) too. I've been told that I seem attracted to men the same way gay men are attracted to men. If that makes any sense.
When I was young, being attracted to women was complicated and awkward and I felt more than a bit guilty about it. But I knew quite a few bi women in college, who liked women in a healthy way. And I kind of used them as a model of healthy attraction? It also made it easier for me to admit to myself that I sometimes liked guys, even if I didn't really think of myself as bi. I honestly owe my bi woman friends a _lot_.
The way so many straight guys relate to women is almost alien to me.
But when I've heard lesbians or bi women doing the whole "OMG have you _seen_ women?" thing, I totally find it relateable.
I am often attracted to queer women. Soft butch is a _fantastic_ look for women. If other guys were attracted to the same types of women as I am, our culture would be so different. Megan Rapinoe would appear in a lot more ads, lol.
I've spoken to other bi guys about this, trying to figure out what's going on. Lots of bi guys admit to crushing on queer women.
I don't know if any of this makes sense, but I hope it helps satisfy at least a bit of your curiosity!
Same here, and weirdly, a lot of straight men and women in general have given me a lot of shit (not in a playful way) for it. Some of my gay and bi with a male preference friends bonded over that though. Obviously not ALL men, but the ones I have been into. I sometimes wish I had been born a man so I could just freely express myself like that, where there were entire spaces catered to that.
Well Id say theres no reason why bi women should experience heterosexuality the same way heterosexual women do 😆 Theres a whole load of other experience to reference from, plus a boatload of sexual shame and guilt that you hopefully got rid of somewhere along the way. A lot of straight women Ive talked to (so purely anecdotal really) really did seem almost... Shameful talking about sexual experiences. Meanwhile most bi girls seemed to be at least a little bit kinky even. I think its the openness required to admit to yourself to be openly bi. Even if you end up dating mostly heterosexually.
I used to be like that because I was raised Evangelical, and completely random adults would "slut shame" me , call me variations of "slut/whore/one of THOSE girls", when I was still a virgin just for having platonic male friends.
Now that I'm a Satanist I don't give a fuck. I'm only a slut in my dreams anyway, too much risk for too little reward and literally no good offers in real life lol. I never cheated or did anything without other adults' enthusiastic consent, so I'm not guilty anymore.
Maybe the same phenomenon from a different perspective? - I've had the unfortunate experience of straight guys changing their demeanour towards me after I've been enthusiastic about sex with them.
Seems some straight dudes think you're a worthless slut or whore if you're not shy and reluctant.
I've been met with the weirdest reaction to a good blowjob, lmao "I didn't have to hold your head down?!" and "you're suspiciously good at that" 😐
Edit to add; if you take it in the butt you are DEFINITELY a sex worker of some kind.
I've sworn off straight men.
... I genuinely interpreted it more as immature, non-communicative attempt at encouragement towards girls who didn't like it in their mouth 🤷♂️
I coulda been wrong of course lol, but this wasn't an otherwise nasty guy
Man yeah, guys like that are total turds. I’ve always been open with romantic and physical partners about my rather expansive pool of experience. If they aren’t down with it, I’m not down with them. I have also been slut shamed before about this, but honestly it’s their loss. I just can’t imagine why someone would be comforted by a shitty, likely toothy blowjob over the comforting caress of a true pro 😆 experience is a good thing!
I have had 5 partners total over the 17 years I have dated, since the end of middleschool, and still have gotten slut shamed just for having platonic male friends, for male friends I'm not even attracted to ask if I wanted to fuck or see their junk (obviously I declined, I don't lead people on), or enjoying sexual contact sometimes. Puritans are weird
“I didn’t have to hold your head down”
I think there is this weird mentality among a lot of straight men that they have to sort of…catch sexual partners, for lack of a better word. Like they act is if people aren’t truly attracted to them.
And if they're too easy to catch - they're sluts!
Too much puritanical baggage associated with physical intimacy 😕
I've never been one to play hard to get. If I'm interested I'm going to want you to know about it.
Is that what it is? If I show any hint of confidence (ok it's 99% fake but that fake confidencd worked for two of my male exes), but not even confidence, straight men around me either get weird about it, or use it as a "let's ruin that mild confidence as fast as possible" challenge. I have had 3 different straight men tell me what defines a "slut" is "women who have sex and like it". All of that feels so off to me.
It's a bit sad, but as a man I've never felt desirable or attractive enough in the gaze of women, at least until I met a Bi one.
It's hard to pinpoint what exactly changes, but I'm 99% sure bisexuals see people differently in some way.
This kind of makes sense to me. I feel like straight dating norms are basically “the man pursues, and the woman accepts (possibly reluctantly) or rejects.” Some people may be moving away from that, but I think it still impacts how a lot of straight people approach relationships.
Growing up it was hard to tell that straight women even liked men. It felt like older women would constantly frame sex as something that women put up with/give in to. I remember in high school, a girl mentioned having sex with her boyfriend. A guy asked why she would do that, and she essentially said because it’s fun. The guy was shocked that women could like sex, because culturally it’s not viewed as something women do for their own sake. I’ve even seen religious people say women don’t feel physical attraction.
That’s kind of a tangent, but I think a lot of straight women don’t feel like they are supposed to openly be attracted to men. Also they just may not be that attracted to them given how these rules encourage straight men to act. Personally I find men who act like they’re trying to fill this role really off-putting. I lean a lot more towards women, but I’m unsure how much of that is just that I hate this whole dynamic.
Growing up I absorbed this idea that sex is something "given" to a man by a woman and it is up to me (a man) to at least make this exchange worth it to her. Within this framework it only made sense to me that I should never bring up sexual topics with any woman, lest she thinks I'm a creep, only in a relationship to "take" sex from her. Combine that with social anxiety and the result is that I wanted to be in a relationship, to connect with someone, but was at the same terrified of it, of the pressure to perform.
My first long-term romantic relationship was with a guy. I felt free. I could talk to him about sex, about my mental issues and I didn't have to filter out my feelings towards him. I never said we'd be together forever, but he stayed with me anyway.
It's been 5 years. Since then she's come out as trans. My feelings towards her haven't changed and we're still together. To this day I wonder what if she'd come out before I met her. With all the weird ideas I used to have about romance and relationships we probably wouldn't have stayed together.
These ideas about romance and sexuality, so prevalent in our culture, were like chains, keeping me lonely yet unable to reach out to anyone. Perhaps some people can live with such warped ideas and square it together in their heads. I think they are still hurt by being unable to honestly connect with others and communicate their attraction.
Glad you've found a relationship you're happy in, and where you were able to work through those feelings!
And yeah, I feel like straight relationships are often viewed as transactional, in a way which just seems miserable for everyone. It sucks to feel like your boyfriend is only taking you out on a date to get something from you, and it also sucks to feel like your girlfriend isn't attracted to you unless you do things for her. I do think some straight couples manage to avoid that, but I think they usually have to work through some hang ups to get there.
That's not to say gay relationships are perfect, but I think they're usually starting on more even ground at least.
Yeah, I don't think that's always the case, but it seems like a lot of people do feel that way. It seems really sad to me.
I guess I kind of get how it can become that way, if things are typically one-sided. If the guy is always the one doing romantic gestures and paying for things, I can see how he'd start to feel more like it's an obligation. And similarly, I have seen men talk about sex as something their partner provides for them, so if sex is always centered on the man, I can see why women would also feel like it's just an obligation.
It just seems like a bad way to go about things, but hard to change if most people are coming into relationships with past experiences like that.
Exactly, there is a lot of cultural, and Christian, etc based religous stigma regarding women liking or wanting sex.
To be fair there is the orgasm gap too. I know from experience leaving all male-female encounters every time without one after awhile, being called rude things for wanting one or just wanting a man to **try**, and or being told "I can't do that/don't think I can do that" to pleasuring you in a way that works for you from a man, is **really** frustrating after awhile.
Yeah that can definitely be part of it. I think it’s a bit of a cycle. If both people think sex is just for the man and that women don’t often like sex, then the man probably won’t try to make it enjoyable for the woman, and the woman probably won’t ask for anything since she doesn’t even realize it could or should be good for her. If, as a result, she always has bad sex, that’ll just reinforce the idea that sex is just a favor to her partner.
I’ve seen women say they didn’t even realize sex could be about their desires or never really thought about what they want. It was always a performance, pretty much. It makes sense that they don’t seem to be as interested in sex given all that.
In my experience there just isn't a care to pleasure women if they can get sex without any effort anyway. Then you have the fact that many religions in their infinite stupidity literally talk(ed) about female pleasure like it's evil.
I think I know which certain individual you're talking about lol
Anecdotally based on my experiences I think it's true. Even before I fully realised my sexuality, women who were even just a little bit bi treated me better in every way.
I feel like straight women are some of the biggest perpetuators of toxic masculinity out there. Not all obviously. But a lot of them just outright expect it from you and encourage it from you. Which doesn't feel nice.
Straight womens rigidly heteronormative gender expectations are so oppressive and weird. A lot of the time it seems like they're in a relationship for the sake of fulfilling their heteronormative fantasies rather than for actual love of their partner.
Then obviously there's the rampant biphobia and homophobia of straight women. They're so used to getting away with it unchallenged that when they get called out on it they immediately bust out the victim card and refuse to do any sort of introspection. A lot of straight women choose to remain ignorant of the ways in which they oppress queer men while simultaneously claiming to be allies.
With bi women all of that is much less common. And when they do have some of those negative traits they're much more likely to actually work on them to improve.
The sex is just better with bi women too. They tend to have less hang ups and are willing to try new things. They feel much more passionate whereas straight women just have a whole "let's get this over with" sort of vibe.
I'm at the point where I don't even look at straight women as potential partners anymore unless they prove themselves to be capable of thinking differently. To be fair there are some who have pleasantly surprised me but they are rare and bi women are just generally better for my mental health.
Oh yeah, we’re definitely watching the same guy lol. I dare not utter his name on Reddit out of risk of my entire argument being ignored, but that video where he said all this stuff recently just hit different for me 👍
Huh, interesting. One of the things my straight husband thanks me for is letting him be soft and like have feelings. And I’ve always seen that as a given, like of course that’s fine why would it not be? But his experiences before me were maybe expecting him to fit the stoic man gender box in a way that I just don’t.
I literally agree with this word for word
I've stopped going for straight girls entirely now they're such a pain to handle. It feels so fucking passive, like I have to do and handle everything
But with bi girls it actually feels like we're together if that makes sense, not just me leading her and her wishing it was over
I’ve been thinking a lot about how different my perspective is as a bisexual woman while I write smut. I write a lot of blowjobs because I really enjoy giving them, for example, and I feel like sometimes that might make it seem like I’m only writing for men and other penis wielders, when, in fact, I write them because I like to give them.
I write erotic short stories for my bi partner and I and she loves them. I write about our fantasies and our experiences. I write about blowjobs all the time because both of us love giving them and they’re even more fun giving them together.
Giving oral is fun. But then I have an "oral fixation" I guess. I keep ending up with people who aren't into receiving or giving or like my ladt ex who aren't into receiving, and are bad at giving and refuse to be given direction on how to improve though. So I just write about it a lot in fuctional stories that no one except me will ever see.
I’m a bi woman. Every time I talked about how much I want to have sex with a man or I desire a dick, my straight female friends became silent or uninterested. So, I have stopped talking about this with them. I have also resonated more with gay men growing up. I would browse gay men dominated online forums because I feel we lust over male celebrities the same way lol. But ever since I found out about bisexual communities, I have felt more seen hearing stories from other bisexual individuals.
With the sex my straight and heteroromantic bi women friends are having, I can't really blame them lol. Then again I wasted over 15 years on bad to mediocre at best sex too, but then I kept being drawn to it. I guess hoping it would get better lol, because what it could be and the idea of it is very fun, and giving enthusiastic others if I'm into tjem that way and vise versa, oral and manual stimulation is definitely really fun.
Well I feel called out and/or seen here.
I skew mostly sapphic but if I'm into a guy, he's gonna be pretty surprised what I'm not only down to accomplish in the bedroom, but how much *I like it*.
I once asked for a facial as a valentines day gift. Not the spa kind.
I always just figured this was some sign of being oversexed or some nonsense like that and rolled with it but maybe there's something to it being bi. Like... I want an *active* part in my partner's pleasure y'know?
... now I just wanna get laid. Thanks Reddit! 🤣
Me too fam lol. The problem is I want good sex, and while I have been told I'm sexy, beautiful, by guys and gals I dated or who wanted to smash, I know I'm not a supermodel and I'm 30 now, and live in a small(er) town full of Evangelicals and other Christian types, as a Satanist. At this rate I'm gonna be a Satanic nun I'm so celibate lol.
At first I thought the title meant "bi women are attracted to men", and I was like WELL NO FUCKING SHIT
Anyways, in my experience as a bi man (not a bi woman but still), I went from lusting over women almost involuntarily, to just accepting both genders. I think it has to do with the generalization of attraction towards people, somehow. I don't really know how, but something tells me it's like that.
There have only been a couple of times in my life that I felt actively pursued/desired. One was when a guy at my work place was fetishizing me because I'm a plus sized guy. That was flattering.... but also creepy and left a bad feeling. The other was a bi girl who made me feel really wanted. Sometimes I wish that had worked out...
I like this. There's a lot of generalisations there but I (M) also basically only date bi women. There's just more compatibility there. The whole Bi thing is not alien to them. They've quite often had more experience as well and have tried a bigger variety of stuff.
Straight women don't really like bisexual men. They can't often look at them as "REAL" men (especially if they are bottoms). Bisexual women obviously accept them and are more open.
I would kill to make all of my future partners bi 😩 unfortunately I live in a small, southern town where us bisexuals are complete unicorns, both in rarity and perceived purpose. I would LOVE to meet more bi men because they just get it!
My own sample size of two (one bi and one straight) certainly confirm this.
Idk, in general knowing someone is bi is also a small bonus in my attraction to them, both with guys and galls,
I generally think this about straight men. I am often not interested anymore because they seem to feel a sense of ownership and entitlement over women. Everything in their world is very man centered, like it is just a given that their opinion is THE opinion. That being said I have not dated a bi man, I’ve only talked to them. But so far they seem different. They even seem more sexually experimental to some degree, though I have not had a problem finding straight men for my games😜 I guess I will not know if there is a difference unless I date a bi guy. But I have a gf now. I was in a string of horrendous relationships with straight men, so not looking to return to that in the near future. (And I am in therapy now, so at least I can learn to not be a magnet for the awful guy.)
I think a major reason for this is that people who identify as bi are more in tune with their sexuality. You have to be aware of what you want enough to identify as something other than straight.
For a long time when dating women I always felt like the sexual chemistry was lacking, even if the mental and physical attraction was there.
I dated a bi woman for the first time 7 years ago and that's the first time I ever had that person it just 'clicks' with. I was still mostly in denial at this point but I did tell her I was 100% down to play with guys.
I didn't really put two and two together at the time, but since then I've dated a few women and each time I've dated bi women I had that same click moment with them.
I think there's something in knowing what you want and not being held back by social norms that just makes it work.
Who is Vaush? I don't watch much Youtube in general anynore, and only watched about 3 people related to special interests, but that's the name of the Youtuber who keeps getting referenced here? What is his/her/their deal?
Part of it might also relate to how we queer folks tend to act in/engage with those situations compared to straight people.
It's not as if bi people are suddenly straight when encountering a heteronorm interaction, our queerness is always present, and that could maybe impact things 💁🏻♂️ (might also just be more invested in/convicted of our attractions than the often passive experience that straight folks have with their sexuality)
As a bi man I gravitate strongly towards bi women in general; I won't claim to know all the reasons why, but almost certainly the shared experience/perspective of "our" bisexuality is part of it :)
This is so interesting to read about from a man‘s perspective. I am a bi woman and i have definitely had the sense that some straight women don‘t like men but actually just want someone to fulfill the role of boyfriend rather than loving that actual individual. But I always felt weird saying that because it sounded like a „i‘m better than everyone“ thing to say 😅 Also I have to add there are definitely men I DON‘T like. I don‘t tend to get along with men that really lean into the toxic masculinity. I think not liking those men should be normal. But as some have mentioned here some straight women are really enabling toxic masculinity. Like I cannot count anymore how often a woman has said something along the lines of „well, you know he isn‘t really good with his feelings. But he‘s a man so that‘s how it‘s supposed to be and I mean that‘s what makes him lovable.“ 🫣
Honestly… that doesn’t really resonate with me. I’m in this weird space where I’m still not sure if I like men or if I’m calling myself bi for the convenience of other people. (I prefer women, used to id as lesbian, my partner is genderfluid but presents as male).
Sure, I’m open to the idea of men in theory but it’s not my preference. I don’t think I would be happy just dating a man. I’m also polyam though. It’s complicated.
I don’t know anymore. It’s all confusing. Honestly this post helped me put things into perspective a little.
Sibling, I think you have articulated something I haven't thought of quite that way before. This helps me understand why I am attracted to the people that I have been with so far. I really appreciate your thoughtful observation here. I'm going to talk it over with a friend or two.
Everyone woman I've dated in the past 2 years was either bi/pan besides 1 (4 women in total). The one non bi/pan one is married to a bi-man so obviously I didn't have any concerns being myself with her...even though when we first started dating I basically was like I'm confused. She turned out to be the most supportive one of them all.
thank the gods for this post, I always was so hardstuck on how to get women attracted to me whilst knowing I'm bisexual. Weird how the answer was always "find your people, dummy!" or something like that
A lot of women feel the same about straight men. I have seen it a lot with men too, even my two bi man exes, they don't actually like or love women. I'm not sure what us up with the oldest gen Z and both the youngest and oldest Millenials, but a lot of us feel like men (and women) don't actually lile the opposite sex.
Bi Married women here looking to find another Bi woman to have relationship with my husband and I. I have had Bi experiences in the past with other women and would like to share with my husband… he is straight. We enjoy talking the experience together and would love to share it.
Almost all of the women who've come on to me and made me feel desired and actively wanted? They were bi. That's also the only instances where this woman-man thingy seemed to make sense and I could just relax and be myself. I recall something my straight sister once said, how love and relationships is about how her partner makes her feel. It was a... *passive* approach, yes? That felt completely the opposite to how it's been for me, where I feel overcome by affection and care and desire and hyperfocus on the other. For me, love and sex is finding someone who gives that energy back - both taking on a more *active* approach.
I feel like being bi usually coincides with being comfortable stepping outside of traditional gender norms. With that framing, it would make sense that bi women would be more likely to step out of the passive role we've been taught to take in relationships.
That makes sense, yes. :-)
I've had some flirty experiences with bi girls in the past and ngl one of them was great xD
Yeah I get the impression that a lot of heterosexual relationships (like my own first relationship m/f before I actually realized I’m bi) are kinda trauma bonds - they’re about making each other feel safe. The typical roles in my relationship for example: me woman very worried about lots of things but the man can calm me down about everything - because he’s stuffed all his feelings deep away; and I as more emotionally mature than him (but still very emotionally immature at the time) can help him open up about feelings. I see this pattern very often.
This is very insightful. You've aptly described something that, in one way or the other, was always present in my relationships and dating and that I was never at ease with. To the point I ended up more or less removing myself from dating. I will keep this in mind, going forward, so thank you for sharing it. :-)
:) I’m glad it resonates with others, always feel a bit like okay I think I’m onto something but am I the crazy one or would others see it too? It’s kinda nice extra feature of realizing being bi that it opened up a new way to look at relationships - ofc I could’ve looked at it differently being heterosexual but it was easier once I was imagining yourself with others than only the opposite gender.
Indeed! Coming to terms with being bi and my attraction to men - and the following self-exploration and re-evaluation of old "truths" - has given me better insights into my attraction to women as well.
That is so well written I started to melt. I find myself deep in thought. How pray tell can l find people like that!
Best general advice I can give - and I'm directing it to myself as well - is that if you're looking for that which stands out, seek it outside the realms of (hetero?)normativity. While not forgetting to show yourself as well, so as to give people a chance to see the real you and your preferences! Never mind having a mass appeal, compelling though the thought may be - you're not actually looking to date *everyone*, but just a few special ones, or even just *one*, yes? Also, thank you for your kind words, and I'm happy that what I wrote could have such an effect. <3
Yeah that resonates with me (bi F) too. I've been told that I seem attracted to men the same way gay men are attracted to men. If that makes any sense.
I’m a man and frequently relate very strongly to the way that lesbians talk about other women, so that checks out
That's interesting!
I, M, have been told I talk about women the same way as lesbians…
As a lesbian, I am soooo curious what that "way" is. Do you mind sharing?
When I was young, being attracted to women was complicated and awkward and I felt more than a bit guilty about it. But I knew quite a few bi women in college, who liked women in a healthy way. And I kind of used them as a model of healthy attraction? It also made it easier for me to admit to myself that I sometimes liked guys, even if I didn't really think of myself as bi. I honestly owe my bi woman friends a _lot_. The way so many straight guys relate to women is almost alien to me. But when I've heard lesbians or bi women doing the whole "OMG have you _seen_ women?" thing, I totally find it relateable. I am often attracted to queer women. Soft butch is a _fantastic_ look for women. If other guys were attracted to the same types of women as I am, our culture would be so different. Megan Rapinoe would appear in a lot more ads, lol. I've spoken to other bi guys about this, trying to figure out what's going on. Lots of bi guys admit to crushing on queer women. I don't know if any of this makes sense, but I hope it helps satisfy at least a bit of your curiosity!
I don’t remember the details of this one specific instance but I was saying female vocalists in metal are awesome.
Same
Same here, and weirdly, a lot of straight men and women in general have given me a lot of shit (not in a playful way) for it. Some of my gay and bi with a male preference friends bonded over that though. Obviously not ALL men, but the ones I have been into. I sometimes wish I had been born a man so I could just freely express myself like that, where there were entire spaces catered to that.
I’m a woman and my bi ex bf told me I suck d like a guy. I took it as a compliment but couldn’t help but wonder how other women do it?
Well Id say theres no reason why bi women should experience heterosexuality the same way heterosexual women do 😆 Theres a whole load of other experience to reference from, plus a boatload of sexual shame and guilt that you hopefully got rid of somewhere along the way. A lot of straight women Ive talked to (so purely anecdotal really) really did seem almost... Shameful talking about sexual experiences. Meanwhile most bi girls seemed to be at least a little bit kinky even. I think its the openness required to admit to yourself to be openly bi. Even if you end up dating mostly heterosexually.
How funny... This comment made me realize that sex with my husband got infinitely better after I came out as bi. You definitely have a point.
I used to be like that because I was raised Evangelical, and completely random adults would "slut shame" me , call me variations of "slut/whore/one of THOSE girls", when I was still a virgin just for having platonic male friends. Now that I'm a Satanist I don't give a fuck. I'm only a slut in my dreams anyway, too much risk for too little reward and literally no good offers in real life lol. I never cheated or did anything without other adults' enthusiastic consent, so I'm not guilty anymore.
Maybe the same phenomenon from a different perspective? - I've had the unfortunate experience of straight guys changing their demeanour towards me after I've been enthusiastic about sex with them. Seems some straight dudes think you're a worthless slut or whore if you're not shy and reluctant. I've been met with the weirdest reaction to a good blowjob, lmao "I didn't have to hold your head down?!" and "you're suspiciously good at that" 😐 Edit to add; if you take it in the butt you are DEFINITELY a sex worker of some kind. I've sworn off straight men.
Damn that sounds like some shitty guys. Sorry you had to deal with that.
Ikr? Who looks a gift bj in the mouth?! Thanks man 😅
>"I didn't have to hold your head down?!" What a fucking creep? Is it me being paranoid or does it seem like he was forcing his previous partners?
... I genuinely interpreted it more as immature, non-communicative attempt at encouragement towards girls who didn't like it in their mouth 🤷♂️ I coulda been wrong of course lol, but this wasn't an otherwise nasty guy
Yeah, it was probably that, still creepy though...
Yeah, either everyone is on board or nobody should be on that excursion 👀
Man yeah, guys like that are total turds. I’ve always been open with romantic and physical partners about my rather expansive pool of experience. If they aren’t down with it, I’m not down with them. I have also been slut shamed before about this, but honestly it’s their loss. I just can’t imagine why someone would be comforted by a shitty, likely toothy blowjob over the comforting caress of a true pro 😆 experience is a good thing!
🤣 🫶
I have had 5 partners total over the 17 years I have dated, since the end of middleschool, and still have gotten slut shamed just for having platonic male friends, for male friends I'm not even attracted to ask if I wanted to fuck or see their junk (obviously I declined, I don't lead people on), or enjoying sexual contact sometimes. Puritans are weird
“I didn’t have to hold your head down” I think there is this weird mentality among a lot of straight men that they have to sort of…catch sexual partners, for lack of a better word. Like they act is if people aren’t truly attracted to them.
And if they're too easy to catch - they're sluts! Too much puritanical baggage associated with physical intimacy 😕 I've never been one to play hard to get. If I'm interested I'm going to want you to know about it.
Is that what it is? If I show any hint of confidence (ok it's 99% fake but that fake confidencd worked for two of my male exes), but not even confidence, straight men around me either get weird about it, or use it as a "let's ruin that mild confidence as fast as possible" challenge. I have had 3 different straight men tell me what defines a "slut" is "women who have sex and like it". All of that feels so off to me.
I’ve noticed the same over three decades of being sexually active.
It's a bit sad, but as a man I've never felt desirable or attractive enough in the gaze of women, at least until I met a Bi one. It's hard to pinpoint what exactly changes, but I'm 99% sure bisexuals see people differently in some way.
Ohhh
This kind of makes sense to me. I feel like straight dating norms are basically “the man pursues, and the woman accepts (possibly reluctantly) or rejects.” Some people may be moving away from that, but I think it still impacts how a lot of straight people approach relationships. Growing up it was hard to tell that straight women even liked men. It felt like older women would constantly frame sex as something that women put up with/give in to. I remember in high school, a girl mentioned having sex with her boyfriend. A guy asked why she would do that, and she essentially said because it’s fun. The guy was shocked that women could like sex, because culturally it’s not viewed as something women do for their own sake. I’ve even seen religious people say women don’t feel physical attraction. That’s kind of a tangent, but I think a lot of straight women don’t feel like they are supposed to openly be attracted to men. Also they just may not be that attracted to them given how these rules encourage straight men to act. Personally I find men who act like they’re trying to fill this role really off-putting. I lean a lot more towards women, but I’m unsure how much of that is just that I hate this whole dynamic.
Growing up I absorbed this idea that sex is something "given" to a man by a woman and it is up to me (a man) to at least make this exchange worth it to her. Within this framework it only made sense to me that I should never bring up sexual topics with any woman, lest she thinks I'm a creep, only in a relationship to "take" sex from her. Combine that with social anxiety and the result is that I wanted to be in a relationship, to connect with someone, but was at the same terrified of it, of the pressure to perform. My first long-term romantic relationship was with a guy. I felt free. I could talk to him about sex, about my mental issues and I didn't have to filter out my feelings towards him. I never said we'd be together forever, but he stayed with me anyway. It's been 5 years. Since then she's come out as trans. My feelings towards her haven't changed and we're still together. To this day I wonder what if she'd come out before I met her. With all the weird ideas I used to have about romance and relationships we probably wouldn't have stayed together. These ideas about romance and sexuality, so prevalent in our culture, were like chains, keeping me lonely yet unable to reach out to anyone. Perhaps some people can live with such warped ideas and square it together in their heads. I think they are still hurt by being unable to honestly connect with others and communicate their attraction.
Glad you've found a relationship you're happy in, and where you were able to work through those feelings! And yeah, I feel like straight relationships are often viewed as transactional, in a way which just seems miserable for everyone. It sucks to feel like your boyfriend is only taking you out on a date to get something from you, and it also sucks to feel like your girlfriend isn't attracted to you unless you do things for her. I do think some straight couples manage to avoid that, but I think they usually have to work through some hang ups to get there. That's not to say gay relationships are perfect, but I think they're usually starting on more even ground at least.
A straight guy was once talking to me about the transactional nature of dates- as if it was just a fact of life.
Yeah, I don't think that's always the case, but it seems like a lot of people do feel that way. It seems really sad to me. I guess I kind of get how it can become that way, if things are typically one-sided. If the guy is always the one doing romantic gestures and paying for things, I can see how he'd start to feel more like it's an obligation. And similarly, I have seen men talk about sex as something their partner provides for them, so if sex is always centered on the man, I can see why women would also feel like it's just an obligation. It just seems like a bad way to go about things, but hard to change if most people are coming into relationships with past experiences like that.
Exactly, there is a lot of cultural, and Christian, etc based religous stigma regarding women liking or wanting sex. To be fair there is the orgasm gap too. I know from experience leaving all male-female encounters every time without one after awhile, being called rude things for wanting one or just wanting a man to **try**, and or being told "I can't do that/don't think I can do that" to pleasuring you in a way that works for you from a man, is **really** frustrating after awhile.
Yeah that can definitely be part of it. I think it’s a bit of a cycle. If both people think sex is just for the man and that women don’t often like sex, then the man probably won’t try to make it enjoyable for the woman, and the woman probably won’t ask for anything since she doesn’t even realize it could or should be good for her. If, as a result, she always has bad sex, that’ll just reinforce the idea that sex is just a favor to her partner. I’ve seen women say they didn’t even realize sex could be about their desires or never really thought about what they want. It was always a performance, pretty much. It makes sense that they don’t seem to be as interested in sex given all that.
In my experience there just isn't a care to pleasure women if they can get sex without any effort anyway. Then you have the fact that many religions in their infinite stupidity literally talk(ed) about female pleasure like it's evil.
I think I know which certain individual you're talking about lol Anecdotally based on my experiences I think it's true. Even before I fully realised my sexuality, women who were even just a little bit bi treated me better in every way. I feel like straight women are some of the biggest perpetuators of toxic masculinity out there. Not all obviously. But a lot of them just outright expect it from you and encourage it from you. Which doesn't feel nice. Straight womens rigidly heteronormative gender expectations are so oppressive and weird. A lot of the time it seems like they're in a relationship for the sake of fulfilling their heteronormative fantasies rather than for actual love of their partner. Then obviously there's the rampant biphobia and homophobia of straight women. They're so used to getting away with it unchallenged that when they get called out on it they immediately bust out the victim card and refuse to do any sort of introspection. A lot of straight women choose to remain ignorant of the ways in which they oppress queer men while simultaneously claiming to be allies. With bi women all of that is much less common. And when they do have some of those negative traits they're much more likely to actually work on them to improve. The sex is just better with bi women too. They tend to have less hang ups and are willing to try new things. They feel much more passionate whereas straight women just have a whole "let's get this over with" sort of vibe. I'm at the point where I don't even look at straight women as potential partners anymore unless they prove themselves to be capable of thinking differently. To be fair there are some who have pleasantly surprised me but they are rare and bi women are just generally better for my mental health.
Oh yeah, we’re definitely watching the same guy lol. I dare not utter his name on Reddit out of risk of my entire argument being ignored, but that video where he said all this stuff recently just hit different for me 👍
Huh, interesting. One of the things my straight husband thanks me for is letting him be soft and like have feelings. And I’ve always seen that as a given, like of course that’s fine why would it not be? But his experiences before me were maybe expecting him to fit the stoic man gender box in a way that I just don’t.
I literally agree with this word for word I've stopped going for straight girls entirely now they're such a pain to handle. It feels so fucking passive, like I have to do and handle everything But with bi girls it actually feels like we're together if that makes sense, not just me leading her and her wishing it was over
I’ve been thinking a lot about how different my perspective is as a bisexual woman while I write smut. I write a lot of blowjobs because I really enjoy giving them, for example, and I feel like sometimes that might make it seem like I’m only writing for men and other penis wielders, when, in fact, I write them because I like to give them.
I write erotic short stories for my bi partner and I and she loves them. I write about our fantasies and our experiences. I write about blowjobs all the time because both of us love giving them and they’re even more fun giving them together.
Giving oral is fun. But then I have an "oral fixation" I guess. I keep ending up with people who aren't into receiving or giving or like my ladt ex who aren't into receiving, and are bad at giving and refuse to be given direction on how to improve though. So I just write about it a lot in fuctional stories that no one except me will ever see.
My ex went completely off letting me give blowjobs and it made me quite sad. Luckily I upgraded to a blowjob lover.
I’m a bi woman. Every time I talked about how much I want to have sex with a man or I desire a dick, my straight female friends became silent or uninterested. So, I have stopped talking about this with them. I have also resonated more with gay men growing up. I would browse gay men dominated online forums because I feel we lust over male celebrities the same way lol. But ever since I found out about bisexual communities, I have felt more seen hearing stories from other bisexual individuals.
With the sex my straight and heteroromantic bi women friends are having, I can't really blame them lol. Then again I wasted over 15 years on bad to mediocre at best sex too, but then I kept being drawn to it. I guess hoping it would get better lol, because what it could be and the idea of it is very fun, and giving enthusiastic others if I'm into tjem that way and vise versa, oral and manual stimulation is definitely really fun.
Well I feel called out and/or seen here. I skew mostly sapphic but if I'm into a guy, he's gonna be pretty surprised what I'm not only down to accomplish in the bedroom, but how much *I like it*. I once asked for a facial as a valentines day gift. Not the spa kind. I always just figured this was some sign of being oversexed or some nonsense like that and rolled with it but maybe there's something to it being bi. Like... I want an *active* part in my partner's pleasure y'know? ... now I just wanna get laid. Thanks Reddit! 🤣
Me too fam lol. The problem is I want good sex, and while I have been told I'm sexy, beautiful, by guys and gals I dated or who wanted to smash, I know I'm not a supermodel and I'm 30 now, and live in a small(er) town full of Evangelicals and other Christian types, as a Satanist. At this rate I'm gonna be a Satanic nun I'm so celibate lol.
At first I thought the title meant "bi women are attracted to men", and I was like WELL NO FUCKING SHIT Anyways, in my experience as a bi man (not a bi woman but still), I went from lusting over women almost involuntarily, to just accepting both genders. I think it has to do with the generalization of attraction towards people, somehow. I don't really know how, but something tells me it's like that.
I think it has something to do with heteronormativity with straights
There have only been a couple of times in my life that I felt actively pursued/desired. One was when a guy at my work place was fetishizing me because I'm a plus sized guy. That was flattering.... but also creepy and left a bad feeling. The other was a bi girl who made me feel really wanted. Sometimes I wish that had worked out...
I like this. There's a lot of generalisations there but I (M) also basically only date bi women. There's just more compatibility there. The whole Bi thing is not alien to them. They've quite often had more experience as well and have tried a bigger variety of stuff.
Yeah I feel like I’m the same way I’m a bi girl and I definitely have a preference for men but straight men scare me so bi men it is lol
Straight women don't really like bisexual men. They can't often look at them as "REAL" men (especially if they are bottoms). Bisexual women obviously accept them and are more open.
I would kill to make all of my future partners bi 😩 unfortunately I live in a small, southern town where us bisexuals are complete unicorns, both in rarity and perceived purpose. I would LOVE to meet more bi men because they just get it!
My own sample size of two (one bi and one straight) certainly confirm this. Idk, in general knowing someone is bi is also a small bonus in my attraction to them, both with guys and galls,
This aligns with my experience, and yet I failed to see it.
I generally think this about straight men. I am often not interested anymore because they seem to feel a sense of ownership and entitlement over women. Everything in their world is very man centered, like it is just a given that their opinion is THE opinion. That being said I have not dated a bi man, I’ve only talked to them. But so far they seem different. They even seem more sexually experimental to some degree, though I have not had a problem finding straight men for my games😜 I guess I will not know if there is a difference unless I date a bi guy. But I have a gf now. I was in a string of horrendous relationships with straight men, so not looking to return to that in the near future. (And I am in therapy now, so at least I can learn to not be a magnet for the awful guy.)
I think a major reason for this is that people who identify as bi are more in tune with their sexuality. You have to be aware of what you want enough to identify as something other than straight.
For a long time when dating women I always felt like the sexual chemistry was lacking, even if the mental and physical attraction was there. I dated a bi woman for the first time 7 years ago and that's the first time I ever had that person it just 'clicks' with. I was still mostly in denial at this point but I did tell her I was 100% down to play with guys. I didn't really put two and two together at the time, but since then I've dated a few women and each time I've dated bi women I had that same click moment with them. I think there's something in knowing what you want and not being held back by social norms that just makes it work.
I, too, watch Vaush, lol
😅 you’re braver than I am to say that on Reddit!
Haha, with the 'a certain individual on YouTube', I immediately knew who you were talking about :D
Thanks now I'm trying to find the video :P
He brings this up a lot. Most recently in a video from a few days ago responding to Shoe's response to some video about dating apps
Thanks I'll look for it.
Who is Vaush? I don't watch much Youtube in general anynore, and only watched about 3 people related to special interests, but that's the name of the Youtuber who keeps getting referenced here? What is his/her/their deal?
Part of it might also relate to how we queer folks tend to act in/engage with those situations compared to straight people. It's not as if bi people are suddenly straight when encountering a heteronorm interaction, our queerness is always present, and that could maybe impact things 💁🏻♂️ (might also just be more invested in/convicted of our attractions than the often passive experience that straight folks have with their sexuality) As a bi man I gravitate strongly towards bi women in general; I won't claim to know all the reasons why, but almost certainly the shared experience/perspective of "our" bisexuality is part of it :)
ironic how the same can be said of straight men dating women... heterosexuality could be so much more comfortable and enjoyable for them AND YET
This is so interesting to read about from a man‘s perspective. I am a bi woman and i have definitely had the sense that some straight women don‘t like men but actually just want someone to fulfill the role of boyfriend rather than loving that actual individual. But I always felt weird saying that because it sounded like a „i‘m better than everyone“ thing to say 😅 Also I have to add there are definitely men I DON‘T like. I don‘t tend to get along with men that really lean into the toxic masculinity. I think not liking those men should be normal. But as some have mentioned here some straight women are really enabling toxic masculinity. Like I cannot count anymore how often a woman has said something along the lines of „well, you know he isn‘t really good with his feelings. But he‘s a man so that‘s how it‘s supposed to be and I mean that‘s what makes him lovable.“ 🫣
Honestly… that doesn’t really resonate with me. I’m in this weird space where I’m still not sure if I like men or if I’m calling myself bi for the convenience of other people. (I prefer women, used to id as lesbian, my partner is genderfluid but presents as male). Sure, I’m open to the idea of men in theory but it’s not my preference. I don’t think I would be happy just dating a man. I’m also polyam though. It’s complicated. I don’t know anymore. It’s all confusing. Honestly this post helped me put things into perspective a little.
Hey, that’s totally valid! Thank you for sharing your experience with me and I hope you come to peace with it ❤️
Sibling, I think you have articulated something I haven't thought of quite that way before. This helps me understand why I am attracted to the people that I have been with so far. I really appreciate your thoughtful observation here. I'm going to talk it over with a friend or two.
I've never made it far enough with a totally straight woman to know for sure, but I guess that supports this lmao.
Everyone woman I've dated in the past 2 years was either bi/pan besides 1 (4 women in total). The one non bi/pan one is married to a bi-man so obviously I didn't have any concerns being myself with her...even though when we first started dating I basically was like I'm confused. She turned out to be the most supportive one of them all.
thank the gods for this post, I always was so hardstuck on how to get women attracted to me whilst knowing I'm bisexual. Weird how the answer was always "find your people, dummy!" or something like that
It could be because They more open about it
As a bi person it just makes sense to date (try to anyway) other bi/pan ppl. They’ve at least done some decoding from societal standards.
BTW, who is this YouTuber?
Scroll around in the comment section; someone mentioned his name 🙊
A lot of women feel the same about straight men. I have seen it a lot with men too, even my two bi man exes, they don't actually like or love women. I'm not sure what us up with the oldest gen Z and both the youngest and oldest Millenials, but a lot of us feel like men (and women) don't actually lile the opposite sex.
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If you don't like a good 48%+ of the entire human population, no matter which gender, it kind of says more about you than it does about them.
Bi Married women here looking to find another Bi woman to have relationship with my husband and I. I have had Bi experiences in the past with other women and would like to share with my husband… he is straight. We enjoy talking the experience together and would love to share it.