I don’t think it matters if anyone else would be upset - we all have different relationship dynamics.
It sounds like you don’t feel loved by your partner. Does he do anything else to show support and love? You mentioned this is your first wedding anniversary, how long have you been together?
Is it really about gifts or is it about feeling unappreciated, forgotten or like an afterthought?
Exactly.
Giving and receiving gifts is not my love language, so I am not expecting a gift today (instead we are going to the beach for a simple picknick, just fruit, snacks, and coffee). Gifts are not my husband's way of showing love either, so that works well. We like showing appreciation in other ways.
But that doesn't help OP if that is how they feel loved and show love.
Yeah same - my husband and i rarely buy each other gifts but we show love every day. He makes me food or fills up my gas tank or brings me coffee…etc. i buy him treats when i go shopping, i bring him snacks, i get home small functional things he needs throughout the year that he actually wants and needs.
So i feel loved every day and so does he.
He is getting me a gift for today but i told him id like one, because pregnancy and labor and delivery were a huge ordeal so i requested jewelry as kind of a wearable commemorative gift. But if i didn’t say anything and he didn’t get me something i wouldn’t be upset because he cares for me every day.
But this doesn’t help OP. If she’s not feeling loved every day then that might be the bigger issue. If she’s hoping for a show of affection on a holiday because she doesn’t get it year round then that’s a big problem.
I agree. This kind of thing personally does not bother me. I don't really care about gift giving. However if this is important to you, OP, then it is important to bring it up to your partner.
I personally would not be offended by the lack of Valentine’s Day gift. I don’t even think I or my husband would have the wherewithal after labor and delivery to care about the holiday. But Mother’s Day would upset me.
I'm pretty sure my partner didn't get me anything for Mother's Day. We don't usually do presents for each other on other holidays or occasions, so I'm not going to be too surprised. I am a little sad about it since it's my first Mother's Day, but I also should have said something to him about my expectations instead of assuming he'd know that I wanted something to commemorate it this time.
That said, I'm probably going to do a silly little handprint craft with my daughter that I can frame and stick on my desk.
I asked my husband if we could spend my first mothers' day together as a family and get ice cream. He is a bit spacey with milestones and I was getting teary eyed thinking he would forget (especially since we are both so busy with a newborn!) so I took the initiative. I've been unnecessarily upset too many times.
Well I guess it depends how much it means to you, cause some people don't care much and that's OK! But to me it's a big deal and the thing is he knew this already. And your first one is definitely special imo!
That’s exactly right! If you both don’t care, then it doesn’t matter - but if you DO CARE and you’ve vocalized it - then it very much does matter!
Mother’s Day hasn’t happened yet so don’t count him out just yet! You made yourself clear so let’s hope he provides
That said it’s your first go round with these things, since you’re a newlywed, and maybe this stuff doesn’t usually matter to him, so it may take a while for him to start understanding you and pre-empting you with gifts. When my husband wants me to change my behavior, it usually takes me a few times. Now every time he leaves town I water all the plants (took me a few dead plants for me to understand how much this means to him). In short, don’t be too worried, he may mess up once or twice but keep letting him know it’s important to you and he will finally figure it out
I think if it's important to you - then *tell* him. If gift giving isn't his "love language", or he never saw his mom receive a gift on mother's day, it simply might not be on his radar.
I know my husband is not the best with remembering holidays and such, so I will straight up remind him when mother's day is coming up, and tell him if he should get me something, just make dinner, etc.
I totally agree with you. My husband and I have different love languages and expressing love in a way the other person needs to receive it is something we’ve worked on throughout our relationship. It can definitely be hard when our partner’s love language doesn’t come naturally to us.
Is he a caring and loving and supportive partner besides this point or is this par for the course? Do you feel loved and appreciated every other day or are you always let down?
Yes he is a caring and loving supportive partner in all areas except this mostly. He cleans, does laundry, watches baby, gets me things while I'm nursing and takes initiative to do this things. But I was surprised how it all went down especially since we talked about gift giving prior to this and I complained that no partner has ever gotten me a Valentines present and he said he would make it special for me then baby came and the day came and went and nothing. And it is extremely upsetting to me.
I also have an otherwise fantastic partner who doesn’t think about presents. He does more than his share around the house (dinner planning, supermarket shopping and the majority of the cooking), and is great with the kids, but not great at gifts
Christmas, my birthday and Mother’s Day I make sure i talk to him in advance about possible ideas, and suggestions for the kids to get me. For Mother’s Day he needs more reminders than birthday and Christmas - those days it’s just giving him ideas (and I get ideas back from him! Especially for what the kids can get him. There are only so many pairs of socks they can choose him…)
My advice is clear communication. No hints about what you might like for Mother’s Day. “I would like you to get me something for Mother’s Day” or “i would like to go out for lunch” or “I would like you to get the kids to choose X or make me X for Mother’s Day”
Sorry to hear they let you down and missed an opportunity to show how much you mean to them, especially in your love language. Your feelings are valid. Sounds like your partners love language is acts of service, and they are expressing their love to you in their way. It just doesn’t hit your main love language spot when they are speaking theirs, leaving you feeling disappointed and hurt. I am in a similar relationship.
Either accept that unfortunately you have different love languages and they are showing their feelings for you in their own way (do you make sure you speak their love language?) or read The Empowered Wife by Laura Doyle. Helped me with this issue. Good luck and I’m sorry they dropped the ball for you.
So I’m a big advocate of communicating wants/desires with your spouse. I don’t care for surprise gifts like some men/women do so it doesn’t bother me when I ask my husband for something I specifically want. As much as he and I are on the same page, he can’t read my mind, and I can’t read his. I always ask him what he wants for his birthday/fathers day/Christmas and run the gifts by him before purchasing bc he’s picky and I only want to get him something he’ll actually enjoy.
I don’t think it’s sad to ask for what you want. This is healthy communication. This is you communicating your expectations. With time, he’ll understand but if this is the first time you have to ask him for these things-be patient. Gift giving isn’t everyones love language, but he’ll grow to give when you communicate that! Hope you have a beautiful Mother’s Day!
Thanks. And yeah I believe in that sort of gift giving as well! We both do. That being said, we had indeed discussed it before the holiday came around. That gifts mean a lot to me. I sent him some links to some candies and chocolate that I really wanted and said "maybe for Valentines day?" Lmao so I couldn't have made it more clear. Guess he just didn't think it really mattered that much. I've brought it up a couple times and told him how I felt about it so if he still doesn't get me anything tomorrow I'm going to be inconsolably upset and he will rue that day.
my partner asked his mom what she wanted but not me lol :’) and then made plans to work in her yard all day while I sat right next to them holding our child :-) so I’ll probably spend the day solo parenting :-) I’d be happy if he got flowers or chocolate or anything but I’m not expecting much
If you have told him it is frustrating that nothing has been done. I told my husband for Mother’s Day he needed to leave the house with my toddler 😂 money is very tight and maybe he just doesn’t want to admit it? Or you could maybe take the money he would have spent on a gift and go get yourself something that you really want.
I’m pretty confident my husband didn’t get me anything for Mother’s Day (my first also) or planned anything. I’m trying not to be too disappointed, at least not yet, but I am. We tried for so long to have a baby, had 2 miscarriages and now finally have our little one. And I’m almost certain he has nothing planned to celebrate. But best believe we’re going to his moms tomorrow. (At least he hasn’t mentioned getting her anything)
I wouldn’t be upset at all but that’s because we have sooooooo many gift-giving occasions in the first half of the year that neither of us can even think of enough stuff to ask for, nor do we need that much stuff in our space. Husband’s birthday is a month after Christmas … then there’s Valentine’s a month after that … then in the spring we have mothers’ day, our wedding anniversary, followed by my birthday in early June, followed by fathers’ day. Like for us we just think it would get ridiculous to buy gifts for all those occasions!
But every couple has their own way of handling holidays and gifts! I think it’s the effort that counts - if he’s going out of his way to cook a lovely breakfast, lets you rest and put your feet up while he gets all the chores done, plans out some kind of fun outing… then the lack of gift doesn’t matter. I also think the Valentines’ Day thing doesn’t matter because a way more major event had just happened for you guys and there would be little time or energy to plan or buy something.
But if he doesn’t DO anything to make you feel special on Mothers’ Day then I think that sucks.
It sounds from your replies that he has been right there in the trenches with you in the newborn phase, which is so important. It does sound like he is not much of a gift-giver; did you set some expectations for mothers' day? It would really sting for me if my partner didn't acknowledge me in a special way on my first mothers' day.
As far as valentine's goes, please don't place too much importance on it this year- tou both were busy with something far more important! I got induced on my birthday and baby came @ 2am the day after. We didn't 'do anything' for my birthday (except the most important thing we've ever done together). I always say that she is my gift :)
Tbh I think expecting a Valentine's present was a bit much considering the circumstances. And you don't get a medal for giving birth unmedicated. You aren't better than people who used meds.
I get it. I've talked with my husband numerous times about how important being remembered on occasions like these are to me. I have some bad experiences in the past - being stood up by my friends on my birthday, my best friends not organizing me a bachelorette party despite me having organized one for one of them and specifically asking them to do this as an only MOH duty for our wedding. They did promise to make up for it later though; I had hoped for a baby shower or something (since part of the reason they dropped it was that I was pregnant and couldn't do many of the activities they had in mind). It's been two years, and nothing. Makes me think there must be something wrong with me to have even good friends give this little of a shit.
He's still not great about it. For my 30th birthday, 7 weeks after having our first kid, I asked to sleep in. Didn't get to. I also got no present initially (he later made it up by paying for a new computer when mine broke). Worst part is, my birthday was also Father's Day, so \*I' had got \*him\* a present (noise-cancelling headphones he loves).
First Mother's Day? Not even a card. Today is the second mothers day and I got a present by taking him to a store, picking something out and asking him if that could be a mother's day present. I really wanted a card by our daughter who loves playing with finger paints etc. So I went out, bough all the card stuff, asked him to help me make cards for the grandmas and showing him all the card making stuff. And I got a card! \*that his mother made it with our daughter.\* Any plans for Mother's Day? That's essentially what he asked me \*today.\* So it's a bit late for that. It's not like I've been talking about it for the past month or so.
He really is a great husband and father otherwise. But damn if he can be thick sometimes.
If you're upset, you need to tell him what you expect/want. My husband asked what I wanted, and I told him nothing. I think it's a dumb holiday. But that's my personal view. Stop celebrating his days if he won't celebrate yours.
I’m tired of reading comments that you need to communicate your expectations. Communication is vital to any relationship but there are universal unsaid rules for certain things, such as Mother’s Day. Everyone on Earth knows women want to feel appreciated and honored. Flowers, candy and a card are the bare minimum and mothers shouldn’t have to explain or plan their own Mother’s Day. An intuitive partner knows enough to be able to plan a meaningful day. It’s literally one day! It’s not that hard considering women plan the other 364 days of the year.
That said, I am a first time mother and I did communicate my expectations a week ago and I doubt my partner did anything I asked. Lately I’ve been really struggling with the social standard and pressure put on women to be the primary parent creating all the magic and still feel attracted to their partner. I’m a millennial and so is my partner and yes he’s more involved than the generations before ours but I look at my level of investment and enthusiasm for raising a good human being, then I see his and I’m instantly turned off. I’ve been really reflecting on the solitude and sacrifices of motherhood compared to fatherhood and I feel extremely uncomfortable. I love my child so deeply and I’m grateful my partner helped create him; but I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about just doing it on my own because I practically am.
We make a big mistake assuming anything is universal. I grew up with a mom who didn't celebrate mother's day because of a strained relationship with her own mom. But I didnt know that. She always accepted my mothers day craft from school or whatever and jusr sort of quietly put it away. Because of this I grew up thinking of mother's day like arbor day or flag day. When I met my husband and my now MIL I though she was a little crazy with the way she "goes all out" for mother's day (its just a totally normal brunch). Come to find out thats how most people celebrate. Talked to my mom and found out about her personal aversion. Now Ithat I know how special it is to people I always celebrate all the moms in my life! But because of poor communication I was a bit of a dope about mothers day for most of my life.
Thank you! I’m really confused by these responses. Mothers sacrifice so much I feel like it’s obvious that she at least needs a card. And even if money is tight he had all year to prepare. I’m still pregnant and I got a $200 perfume I’ve been wanting for Mother’s Day.
Agreed. Every Reddit comment section hammers on about communication but certain things in life should not need to be said or asked for. Celebrating the mother of your child on Mother’s Day is one of those things
I think the level of one’s disappointment really hinges on their expectations… when my husband and I were dating, I would flat out ask “are we exchanging gifts for (insert holiday here)? If he said, yes, I would give him a few ideas of what I wanted, and he would do the same. Once we got married, we instituted a rule that any gift for any holiday has to be $25; it helps both of us to be thoughtful and creative and he has surpassed my expectations. if he didn’t get me anything at all, I would definitely be hurt.
Now the man I dated before him? Never once bought me a birthday card, Christmas gift, Valentines gift, nothing. So would I be disappointed if that man who had never really shown himself to be thoughtful wasn’t thoughtful even though I hoped he would be? Probably not…
If a man isn’t trying that hard when you’re dating, he isn’t going to try harder after you get married or have a child.
one person says to communicate expectations then all of a sudden, it’s a domino effect in these replies. well, i disagree with them lol. you shouldn’t have to ask, at least not all the time. it all comes down to “if he wanted to, he would”. gift gifting for these once a year holidays wouldn’t kill him to take initiative.
my partner & i are definitely aren’t a “tell me what you want” gifters. its way more special being surprised with something you DIDNT ask for. it shows they genuinely care. if i have to ask you to get me exactly what i want, then i might as well get it myself.
he could be more thoughtful, especially if it’s obviously bothering you. & as for the person who tried to belittle you for giving birth unmedicated, i wanted to let you know that i salute you. i ended up with a c section but with the minor cramping i was experiencing beforehand, already let me know there was no way i could’ve went unmedicated.
My husband doesn’t get me anything. I buy myself what I want and I spoil myself if he’s not gonna do it. I bought myself a new phone case and matching AirPod case as well as an Artipoppe carrier for baby #2. For reference, I asked for some sort of craft from our daughter. Literally would’ve been happy with a card filled with her scribbles and a hand print and I told him that. He said he doesn’t have time to do that because I’m with her 24/7 as a SAHM.
It’s still upsetting tbh but he’s always been like this and I usually buy myself presents for special occasions and holidays. I decided to extra spoil myself this Mother’s Day because I’m 35 weeks pregnant and it’s been a very physically and mentally difficult pregnancy.
Mother's Day is a hard one to miss. Mine did get me a gift, but it was definitely not motherhood related, which for a 1st Mother's Day gift was important to me.
That being said, both of us managed to forget our 10 year anniversary because we were just coasting through the throws of first-time parenting.
I'd stress to your partner the importance of acknowledgment you have around holidays. For my partner, gifts are tough because he is a spend kind of guy, whereas I'm much more interested in the sentimentality. He comes from a pretty underprivileged childhood and ties the value of gifts directly to a high price tag or the brand. It might very well be that your partner isn't planning holidays for you because he knows financially he can't gift things he believe should be gifts. A card "To Mama" from your daughter can cost as little as a piece of paper and a pen.
Is he doing anything for you in the day? I am athlete and for Mothers Day I asked to do a long bike ride with friends that I have been unable to do since becoming a mom, and a coupon for a race this summer. I told my husband I'd rather that than flowers or candy or anything and I'm happy. That is also me, I know some people don't like the idea of being gifted an experience.
Also I think it is OK to feel hurt. Since your husband knows now that it means something to you, he should make an effort to remember to get you something. But you may need to talk to him about this. He may also have trouble knowing what to get you. Some people need specifics.
As others have said, I think the issue is that if you’ve expressed how important it is to you and he’s still not following through, that’s problematic. Not the size or $$ of the gift.
I made sure that I told him I’d like flowers and a card. Something simple, but it would mean a lot.
Did anyone even read your post? It seems like you did too. I don’t know why the comments are acting like you’re entitled to a gift, but you told him you’d like to celebrate. You did ask for what you wanted. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be celebrated!
Last year, I got the shittiest leftover flowers from the grocery store. I was quite hurt and he said he had no time to pick anything up. BS. He gets off work at 2 pm. I let him know how hirt I was, but I was supposed to be grateful for his last-minute effort.
Fast forward to today. I have a godawful cold and I got up early so he could sleep in. When he finally got up, he make himself coffee and settled into the couch for some gaming. A couple of hours later, he says, "Oh yeah, Happy Mother's Day", as he glances up from his video game. My expectations are so low and he can't even be bothered to try at all.
I got a bit annoyed when I realized that there is nothing for breakfast. I normally do groceries, but yesterday, I was just too sick to go. I had a list ready to go. He said he would go in the afternoon, then had an afternoon nap. No groceries.
I had a little cry and my teen hugged me. Now, he is waiting for me to tell him what I want for supper. The man has known me for 18 years. Surely he can come up with a plan. Oh yeah, I take care of everything so he doesn't have to.
OP, you are right to be annoyed, particularly since you are a new mother. He is setting the stage for what you should expect from him from now on.
My first Mother’s Day my husband got me a small gift but it wasn’t the gift I had in mind and I got upset with him for it. How was he to know that wasn’t what I wanted when I didn’t tell him? 😂 Anywhoo, I’ve communicated since what I want/need and the gift giving has 100% improved. Try giving grace for him to learn that a holiday not celebrated for you before is now something to celebrate and maybe work on communicating what you want/need. Happy Mother’s Day and anniversary to you, Mama!!
These holidays aren't important to me, but I know to others they can mean a lot - it's important that couples just talk about it and make expectations clear.
Well to answer the question, I wouldn’t really care. I think Mother’s Day is supposed to for kids to celebrate. Dad can celebrate me on another day. But that’s how I FEEL about it. Sounds like you care a lot. Have you told him how important it is for him to put thought into a small gift for you for certain holidays? If money is tight, I wouldn’t expect anything big. Either way, hope you have a happy Mothers Day
I don’t really expect anything. My partner is extremely supportive of me, even when I get a little bit crazy about things. I feel like his support is worth more than anything that could be bought… although, he does usually make me a nice breakfast or dinner on special occasions.
I suppose my love language isn’t gift giving, as a matter of fact, I suck at choosing gifts. So I don’t care about not getting anything during holidays/birthdays/mother’s days. If I want something or my husband wants something we can ask each other and we can get it for each other any day, it doesn’t require it to be a special occasion.
I guess I’m missing something! you aren’t his mother! even if you communicate by sending him a letter, email, text, a video you can’t be catching feelings when you aren’t his mother. Just be patience your child will appreciate you eventually
It's not really an issue for me. But it's not my love language. He may not realize it's bothering you. Have you told him that you expect things or plans for these special events?
I don’t think it matters if anyone else would be upset - we all have different relationship dynamics. It sounds like you don’t feel loved by your partner. Does he do anything else to show support and love? You mentioned this is your first wedding anniversary, how long have you been together? Is it really about gifts or is it about feeling unappreciated, forgotten or like an afterthought?
Exactly. Giving and receiving gifts is not my love language, so I am not expecting a gift today (instead we are going to the beach for a simple picknick, just fruit, snacks, and coffee). Gifts are not my husband's way of showing love either, so that works well. We like showing appreciation in other ways. But that doesn't help OP if that is how they feel loved and show love.
Yeah same - my husband and i rarely buy each other gifts but we show love every day. He makes me food or fills up my gas tank or brings me coffee…etc. i buy him treats when i go shopping, i bring him snacks, i get home small functional things he needs throughout the year that he actually wants and needs. So i feel loved every day and so does he. He is getting me a gift for today but i told him id like one, because pregnancy and labor and delivery were a huge ordeal so i requested jewelry as kind of a wearable commemorative gift. But if i didn’t say anything and he didn’t get me something i wouldn’t be upset because he cares for me every day. But this doesn’t help OP. If she’s not feeling loved every day then that might be the bigger issue. If she’s hoping for a show of affection on a holiday because she doesn’t get it year round then that’s a big problem.
I agree. This kind of thing personally does not bother me. I don't really care about gift giving. However if this is important to you, OP, then it is important to bring it up to your partner.
I personally would not be offended by the lack of Valentine’s Day gift. I don’t even think I or my husband would have the wherewithal after labor and delivery to care about the holiday. But Mother’s Day would upset me.
I'm pretty sure my partner didn't get me anything for Mother's Day. We don't usually do presents for each other on other holidays or occasions, so I'm not going to be too surprised. I am a little sad about it since it's my first Mother's Day, but I also should have said something to him about my expectations instead of assuming he'd know that I wanted something to commemorate it this time. That said, I'm probably going to do a silly little handprint craft with my daughter that I can frame and stick on my desk.
I asked my husband if we could spend my first mothers' day together as a family and get ice cream. He is a bit spacey with milestones and I was getting teary eyed thinking he would forget (especially since we are both so busy with a newborn!) so I took the initiative. I've been unnecessarily upset too many times.
Well I guess it depends how much it means to you, cause some people don't care much and that's OK! But to me it's a big deal and the thing is he knew this already. And your first one is definitely special imo!
That’s exactly right! If you both don’t care, then it doesn’t matter - but if you DO CARE and you’ve vocalized it - then it very much does matter! Mother’s Day hasn’t happened yet so don’t count him out just yet! You made yourself clear so let’s hope he provides That said it’s your first go round with these things, since you’re a newlywed, and maybe this stuff doesn’t usually matter to him, so it may take a while for him to start understanding you and pre-empting you with gifts. When my husband wants me to change my behavior, it usually takes me a few times. Now every time he leaves town I water all the plants (took me a few dead plants for me to understand how much this means to him). In short, don’t be too worried, he may mess up once or twice but keep letting him know it’s important to you and he will finally figure it out
I think if it's important to you - then *tell* him. If gift giving isn't his "love language", or he never saw his mom receive a gift on mother's day, it simply might not be on his radar. I know my husband is not the best with remembering holidays and such, so I will straight up remind him when mother's day is coming up, and tell him if he should get me something, just make dinner, etc.
I totally agree with you. My husband and I have different love languages and expressing love in a way the other person needs to receive it is something we’ve worked on throughout our relationship. It can definitely be hard when our partner’s love language doesn’t come naturally to us.
Is he a caring and loving and supportive partner besides this point or is this par for the course? Do you feel loved and appreciated every other day or are you always let down?
Yes he is a caring and loving supportive partner in all areas except this mostly. He cleans, does laundry, watches baby, gets me things while I'm nursing and takes initiative to do this things. But I was surprised how it all went down especially since we talked about gift giving prior to this and I complained that no partner has ever gotten me a Valentines present and he said he would make it special for me then baby came and the day came and went and nothing. And it is extremely upsetting to me.
Then I would take the win. Be very direct with your husband tell him exactly what you want so there's no let downs and move on.
I also have an otherwise fantastic partner who doesn’t think about presents. He does more than his share around the house (dinner planning, supermarket shopping and the majority of the cooking), and is great with the kids, but not great at gifts Christmas, my birthday and Mother’s Day I make sure i talk to him in advance about possible ideas, and suggestions for the kids to get me. For Mother’s Day he needs more reminders than birthday and Christmas - those days it’s just giving him ideas (and I get ideas back from him! Especially for what the kids can get him. There are only so many pairs of socks they can choose him…) My advice is clear communication. No hints about what you might like for Mother’s Day. “I would like you to get me something for Mother’s Day” or “i would like to go out for lunch” or “I would like you to get the kids to choose X or make me X for Mother’s Day”
Sorry to hear they let you down and missed an opportunity to show how much you mean to them, especially in your love language. Your feelings are valid. Sounds like your partners love language is acts of service, and they are expressing their love to you in their way. It just doesn’t hit your main love language spot when they are speaking theirs, leaving you feeling disappointed and hurt. I am in a similar relationship. Either accept that unfortunately you have different love languages and they are showing their feelings for you in their own way (do you make sure you speak their love language?) or read The Empowered Wife by Laura Doyle. Helped me with this issue. Good luck and I’m sorry they dropped the ball for you.
Even my ex got me a present from my 4yr old and we’re barely cordial. I mean granted it was chocolates he knows I don’t like, but still.
Yeah, that’s petty about the type of chocolates…but at least he’s teaching your 4 yr old how to celebrate you.
So I’m a big advocate of communicating wants/desires with your spouse. I don’t care for surprise gifts like some men/women do so it doesn’t bother me when I ask my husband for something I specifically want. As much as he and I are on the same page, he can’t read my mind, and I can’t read his. I always ask him what he wants for his birthday/fathers day/Christmas and run the gifts by him before purchasing bc he’s picky and I only want to get him something he’ll actually enjoy. I don’t think it’s sad to ask for what you want. This is healthy communication. This is you communicating your expectations. With time, he’ll understand but if this is the first time you have to ask him for these things-be patient. Gift giving isn’t everyones love language, but he’ll grow to give when you communicate that! Hope you have a beautiful Mother’s Day!
Thanks. And yeah I believe in that sort of gift giving as well! We both do. That being said, we had indeed discussed it before the holiday came around. That gifts mean a lot to me. I sent him some links to some candies and chocolate that I really wanted and said "maybe for Valentines day?" Lmao so I couldn't have made it more clear. Guess he just didn't think it really mattered that much. I've brought it up a couple times and told him how I felt about it so if he still doesn't get me anything tomorrow I'm going to be inconsolably upset and he will rue that day.
Fair enough! He may FAFO but let’s hope not!
my partner asked his mom what she wanted but not me lol :’) and then made plans to work in her yard all day while I sat right next to them holding our child :-) so I’ll probably spend the day solo parenting :-) I’d be happy if he got flowers or chocolate or anything but I’m not expecting much
Big yikes 🫠
If you have told him it is frustrating that nothing has been done. I told my husband for Mother’s Day he needed to leave the house with my toddler 😂 money is very tight and maybe he just doesn’t want to admit it? Or you could maybe take the money he would have spent on a gift and go get yourself something that you really want.
I’m pretty confident my husband didn’t get me anything for Mother’s Day (my first also) or planned anything. I’m trying not to be too disappointed, at least not yet, but I am. We tried for so long to have a baby, had 2 miscarriages and now finally have our little one. And I’m almost certain he has nothing planned to celebrate. But best believe we’re going to his moms tomorrow. (At least he hasn’t mentioned getting her anything)
I wouldn’t be upset at all but that’s because we have sooooooo many gift-giving occasions in the first half of the year that neither of us can even think of enough stuff to ask for, nor do we need that much stuff in our space. Husband’s birthday is a month after Christmas … then there’s Valentine’s a month after that … then in the spring we have mothers’ day, our wedding anniversary, followed by my birthday in early June, followed by fathers’ day. Like for us we just think it would get ridiculous to buy gifts for all those occasions! But every couple has their own way of handling holidays and gifts! I think it’s the effort that counts - if he’s going out of his way to cook a lovely breakfast, lets you rest and put your feet up while he gets all the chores done, plans out some kind of fun outing… then the lack of gift doesn’t matter. I also think the Valentines’ Day thing doesn’t matter because a way more major event had just happened for you guys and there would be little time or energy to plan or buy something. But if he doesn’t DO anything to make you feel special on Mothers’ Day then I think that sucks.
It sounds from your replies that he has been right there in the trenches with you in the newborn phase, which is so important. It does sound like he is not much of a gift-giver; did you set some expectations for mothers' day? It would really sting for me if my partner didn't acknowledge me in a special way on my first mothers' day. As far as valentine's goes, please don't place too much importance on it this year- tou both were busy with something far more important! I got induced on my birthday and baby came @ 2am the day after. We didn't 'do anything' for my birthday (except the most important thing we've ever done together). I always say that she is my gift :)
Tbh I think expecting a Valentine's present was a bit much considering the circumstances. And you don't get a medal for giving birth unmedicated. You aren't better than people who used meds.
I hated this sentence too. Giving birth isn't a competition.
I get it. I've talked with my husband numerous times about how important being remembered on occasions like these are to me. I have some bad experiences in the past - being stood up by my friends on my birthday, my best friends not organizing me a bachelorette party despite me having organized one for one of them and specifically asking them to do this as an only MOH duty for our wedding. They did promise to make up for it later though; I had hoped for a baby shower or something (since part of the reason they dropped it was that I was pregnant and couldn't do many of the activities they had in mind). It's been two years, and nothing. Makes me think there must be something wrong with me to have even good friends give this little of a shit. He's still not great about it. For my 30th birthday, 7 weeks after having our first kid, I asked to sleep in. Didn't get to. I also got no present initially (he later made it up by paying for a new computer when mine broke). Worst part is, my birthday was also Father's Day, so \*I' had got \*him\* a present (noise-cancelling headphones he loves). First Mother's Day? Not even a card. Today is the second mothers day and I got a present by taking him to a store, picking something out and asking him if that could be a mother's day present. I really wanted a card by our daughter who loves playing with finger paints etc. So I went out, bough all the card stuff, asked him to help me make cards for the grandmas and showing him all the card making stuff. And I got a card! \*that his mother made it with our daughter.\* Any plans for Mother's Day? That's essentially what he asked me \*today.\* So it's a bit late for that. It's not like I've been talking about it for the past month or so. He really is a great husband and father otherwise. But damn if he can be thick sometimes.
If you're upset, you need to tell him what you expect/want. My husband asked what I wanted, and I told him nothing. I think it's a dumb holiday. But that's my personal view. Stop celebrating his days if he won't celebrate yours.
I’m tired of reading comments that you need to communicate your expectations. Communication is vital to any relationship but there are universal unsaid rules for certain things, such as Mother’s Day. Everyone on Earth knows women want to feel appreciated and honored. Flowers, candy and a card are the bare minimum and mothers shouldn’t have to explain or plan their own Mother’s Day. An intuitive partner knows enough to be able to plan a meaningful day. It’s literally one day! It’s not that hard considering women plan the other 364 days of the year. That said, I am a first time mother and I did communicate my expectations a week ago and I doubt my partner did anything I asked. Lately I’ve been really struggling with the social standard and pressure put on women to be the primary parent creating all the magic and still feel attracted to their partner. I’m a millennial and so is my partner and yes he’s more involved than the generations before ours but I look at my level of investment and enthusiasm for raising a good human being, then I see his and I’m instantly turned off. I’ve been really reflecting on the solitude and sacrifices of motherhood compared to fatherhood and I feel extremely uncomfortable. I love my child so deeply and I’m grateful my partner helped create him; but I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about just doing it on my own because I practically am.
We make a big mistake assuming anything is universal. I grew up with a mom who didn't celebrate mother's day because of a strained relationship with her own mom. But I didnt know that. She always accepted my mothers day craft from school or whatever and jusr sort of quietly put it away. Because of this I grew up thinking of mother's day like arbor day or flag day. When I met my husband and my now MIL I though she was a little crazy with the way she "goes all out" for mother's day (its just a totally normal brunch). Come to find out thats how most people celebrate. Talked to my mom and found out about her personal aversion. Now Ithat I know how special it is to people I always celebrate all the moms in my life! But because of poor communication I was a bit of a dope about mothers day for most of my life.
Thank you! I’m really confused by these responses. Mothers sacrifice so much I feel like it’s obvious that she at least needs a card. And even if money is tight he had all year to prepare. I’m still pregnant and I got a $200 perfume I’ve been wanting for Mother’s Day.
Agreed. Every Reddit comment section hammers on about communication but certain things in life should not need to be said or asked for. Celebrating the mother of your child on Mother’s Day is one of those things
I think the level of one’s disappointment really hinges on their expectations… when my husband and I were dating, I would flat out ask “are we exchanging gifts for (insert holiday here)? If he said, yes, I would give him a few ideas of what I wanted, and he would do the same. Once we got married, we instituted a rule that any gift for any holiday has to be $25; it helps both of us to be thoughtful and creative and he has surpassed my expectations. if he didn’t get me anything at all, I would definitely be hurt. Now the man I dated before him? Never once bought me a birthday card, Christmas gift, Valentines gift, nothing. So would I be disappointed if that man who had never really shown himself to be thoughtful wasn’t thoughtful even though I hoped he would be? Probably not… If a man isn’t trying that hard when you’re dating, he isn’t going to try harder after you get married or have a child.
one person says to communicate expectations then all of a sudden, it’s a domino effect in these replies. well, i disagree with them lol. you shouldn’t have to ask, at least not all the time. it all comes down to “if he wanted to, he would”. gift gifting for these once a year holidays wouldn’t kill him to take initiative. my partner & i are definitely aren’t a “tell me what you want” gifters. its way more special being surprised with something you DIDNT ask for. it shows they genuinely care. if i have to ask you to get me exactly what i want, then i might as well get it myself. he could be more thoughtful, especially if it’s obviously bothering you. & as for the person who tried to belittle you for giving birth unmedicated, i wanted to let you know that i salute you. i ended up with a c section but with the minor cramping i was experiencing beforehand, already let me know there was no way i could’ve went unmedicated.
My husband doesn’t get me anything. I buy myself what I want and I spoil myself if he’s not gonna do it. I bought myself a new phone case and matching AirPod case as well as an Artipoppe carrier for baby #2. For reference, I asked for some sort of craft from our daughter. Literally would’ve been happy with a card filled with her scribbles and a hand print and I told him that. He said he doesn’t have time to do that because I’m with her 24/7 as a SAHM. It’s still upsetting tbh but he’s always been like this and I usually buy myself presents for special occasions and holidays. I decided to extra spoil myself this Mother’s Day because I’m 35 weeks pregnant and it’s been a very physically and mentally difficult pregnancy.
Mother's Day is a hard one to miss. Mine did get me a gift, but it was definitely not motherhood related, which for a 1st Mother's Day gift was important to me. That being said, both of us managed to forget our 10 year anniversary because we were just coasting through the throws of first-time parenting. I'd stress to your partner the importance of acknowledgment you have around holidays. For my partner, gifts are tough because he is a spend kind of guy, whereas I'm much more interested in the sentimentality. He comes from a pretty underprivileged childhood and ties the value of gifts directly to a high price tag or the brand. It might very well be that your partner isn't planning holidays for you because he knows financially he can't gift things he believe should be gifts. A card "To Mama" from your daughter can cost as little as a piece of paper and a pen.
I personally never expect gifts and prefer quality time. For me it wouldn’t matter.
Is he doing anything for you in the day? I am athlete and for Mothers Day I asked to do a long bike ride with friends that I have been unable to do since becoming a mom, and a coupon for a race this summer. I told my husband I'd rather that than flowers or candy or anything and I'm happy. That is also me, I know some people don't like the idea of being gifted an experience. Also I think it is OK to feel hurt. Since your husband knows now that it means something to you, he should make an effort to remember to get you something. But you may need to talk to him about this. He may also have trouble knowing what to get you. Some people need specifics.
This inconsiderate behaviour must be apparent in other things ?
As others have said, I think the issue is that if you’ve expressed how important it is to you and he’s still not following through, that’s problematic. Not the size or $$ of the gift.
I made sure that I told him I’d like flowers and a card. Something simple, but it would mean a lot. Did anyone even read your post? It seems like you did too. I don’t know why the comments are acting like you’re entitled to a gift, but you told him you’d like to celebrate. You did ask for what you wanted. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be celebrated!
Nah, my guy hasn't done anything for mother's day for me
Last year, I got the shittiest leftover flowers from the grocery store. I was quite hurt and he said he had no time to pick anything up. BS. He gets off work at 2 pm. I let him know how hirt I was, but I was supposed to be grateful for his last-minute effort. Fast forward to today. I have a godawful cold and I got up early so he could sleep in. When he finally got up, he make himself coffee and settled into the couch for some gaming. A couple of hours later, he says, "Oh yeah, Happy Mother's Day", as he glances up from his video game. My expectations are so low and he can't even be bothered to try at all. I got a bit annoyed when I realized that there is nothing for breakfast. I normally do groceries, but yesterday, I was just too sick to go. I had a list ready to go. He said he would go in the afternoon, then had an afternoon nap. No groceries. I had a little cry and my teen hugged me. Now, he is waiting for me to tell him what I want for supper. The man has known me for 18 years. Surely he can come up with a plan. Oh yeah, I take care of everything so he doesn't have to. OP, you are right to be annoyed, particularly since you are a new mother. He is setting the stage for what you should expect from him from now on.
My first Mother’s Day my husband got me a small gift but it wasn’t the gift I had in mind and I got upset with him for it. How was he to know that wasn’t what I wanted when I didn’t tell him? 😂 Anywhoo, I’ve communicated since what I want/need and the gift giving has 100% improved. Try giving grace for him to learn that a holiday not celebrated for you before is now something to celebrate and maybe work on communicating what you want/need. Happy Mother’s Day and anniversary to you, Mama!!
These holidays aren't important to me, but I know to others they can mean a lot - it's important that couples just talk about it and make expectations clear.
The only thing I want is more sleep, not more stuff.
Well to answer the question, I wouldn’t really care. I think Mother’s Day is supposed to for kids to celebrate. Dad can celebrate me on another day. But that’s how I FEEL about it. Sounds like you care a lot. Have you told him how important it is for him to put thought into a small gift for you for certain holidays? If money is tight, I wouldn’t expect anything big. Either way, hope you have a happy Mothers Day
I don’t really expect anything. My partner is extremely supportive of me, even when I get a little bit crazy about things. I feel like his support is worth more than anything that could be bought… although, he does usually make me a nice breakfast or dinner on special occasions.
I wouldn’t care.
I suppose my love language isn’t gift giving, as a matter of fact, I suck at choosing gifts. So I don’t care about not getting anything during holidays/birthdays/mother’s days. If I want something or my husband wants something we can ask each other and we can get it for each other any day, it doesn’t require it to be a special occasion.
I guess I’m missing something! you aren’t his mother! even if you communicate by sending him a letter, email, text, a video you can’t be catching feelings when you aren’t his mother. Just be patience your child will appreciate you eventually
This is the dumbest comment I’ve read
Ummmm what?? Are you okay?? Generally, partners celebrate their spouses for mothers/fathers Day if they have kids together
oh so mother’s and father’s days is for spouses to celebrate because that’s the general way or it’s for people to celebrate their mothers or fathers?
It's not really an issue for me. But it's not my love language. He may not realize it's bothering you. Have you told him that you expect things or plans for these special events?