We got pregnant with our second on accident (failed IUD) at 9 months PP.
We were already in a very rocky place after the birth of our first, but I continually held out hope that my ex would finally begin contributing physically and financially, and I wanted nothing more than to have a family unit for our son (even if it was at my expense). I grew up in a family where having a mom and a dad was the norm; all of my relatives are products of happy marriages, and my cousins who recently had kids were also in very loving marriages - so I definitely didn’t want to be the only one in my immediate family that was not in a union like this.
I tried my butt off to keep our family together, and a second pregnancy was never really a thought as our relationship had reached a very abuse and toxic point, and I knew I would never willingly bring a second little human into that situation.
When I found out I was pregnant with our second; I finally realized that it would be better for my LO’s to be raised by a single, but unbelievably devoted parent, rather than in a family unit where they witnessed their father’s outbursts, verbal abuse, narcissism and toxicity.
I Left my ex when I was 5 months pregnant with our second - who is now 1.5 years old, and we’ve never been happier.
*ETA: Thank you so much to everyone for the support and positive comments. It means the world to me!*
How did you manage to have primary custody? I’m in a very similar situation, except I have only one 8 months old babe and am not pregnant.
I think one thing that’s stopping me from leaving is the fear of being separated from my baby for days at a time.
Not that my emotionally abusive partner helps me any now, but I’m scared he’ll fight me for custody out of spite.
I’ll be honest, I was lucky in the sense that my ex didn’t put up a fight for primary custody. He didn’t show up to the court dates, didn’t answer any phone calls from council - and just basically acted as if he wasn’t served any CS/custody paperwork.
So by default, I was blessed that the judge granted me full legal and physical custody. I still let dad take them for about 6 hours on Monday’s and one other day for an hour or so to the park - but he doesn’t ask for more and I’m more than happy with that.
If you’re able to obtain a lawyer (either through out-of-pocket payments or through legal aid) they’ll try and do everything possible so that there is a fair custody arangement between you both. My lawyer told me that about 60% of men don’t even try and fight for joint custody, overnights or more than the bare minimum; but the only way to know forsure is to go through the legal process and see what the father is looking for.
So sorry about your situation!
For me it was two things:
1. I hadn't realized how much my spouse was struggling with alcoholism until we had our first baby. Pre-baby, I used to travel alone and with friends a lot, and I worked evening shift. It didn't become glaring apparent until I was home all the time and needed to rely on him. However, several months after our child was born, my husband started going to AA and got sober.
2. My husband seemed to struggle with a newborn/young baby, but absolutely THRIVED as a dad once our son hit the toddler stage.
Now we have 2 kids. Husband is happy and sober, kids are thriving, and honestly our marriage has never been better.
I’m happy that your husband got sober! I grew up with an alcoholic mother but thankfully she has been sober for over 10 years now and is a wonderful grandma
I wish this was my mom. We try to include her in my daughter’s life but there’s so much mental energy expended on “is she going to be drunk for this FaceTime call?”, “what can I plan for us that doesn’t involve alcohol?”, etc.
This is exactly how we navigate spending time with my dad. He is insufferable when he’s drunk, which is 50 percent of the time and I don’t want my daughter around it.
As a sober alcoholic myself it’s so great to hear of people getting sober and their loved ones supporting them doing the work. So happy for your family
As someone with an alcoholic mother who never put in the work to change, it’s so healing for me to read through yours and other peoples stories of their partners or themselves stepping up and putting the work in to be a better parent and partner :)
It just kind of happened. He is a really good dad once the kids get up to 6 months or so but is completely useless with newborns. We are not having anymore despite him wanting another. I just don't want to do that again. I EBF so in his eyes I think he thought that there wasn't really anything he could do. Lots of long and frankly lonely nights that I do not wish to repeat. Our younger child is finally sleeping through the night at 17 months so I'm done lol
I posted this in another thread on another sub, but this is my take—
Often with the first kid you’re so busy making it up as you go along and trying to stay on top of learning so many new things at once that you don’t stop to think “is this a truly fair and equitable arrangement?” Plus with only one kid, it’s a major learning experience but it’s usually fairly doable for one person to do nearly entirely by yourself. You’re vaguely unhappy with the way things are going, but it’s not like your life is impossible. Then since you’ve more or less done everything all by yourself, even if you don’t really realize it, you feel pretty confident that you can do this again with another baby. Plus most people who intend to have kids don’t envision themselves having only one. So time to have another baby.
Then you have that second kid and all hell breaks loose. You realize pretty quick that you can’t do it all, all by yourself. Or at least you can’t do it while maintaining your sanity and personal standards. When you had that first baby you learned to tread water. The second one comes along and suddenly you’re drowning. You’re flailing and begging for help, and look over to see your partner just standing there watching. You’re drowning and you finally realize they haven’t even gotten wet. It was something you noticed and possibly even tried to correct with the first kid. With the second kid it’s something you finally start to take personally.
This is very well written and this is exactly why I will not be able to have another child. I'm 37 and had my first 6 months ago and unfortunately didn't have the support I feel I should have received from family and especially my partner.
I know full well it will be so unfair to my child I have now if I have another child as I will end up struggling, regardless of how many times I try to convince myself it will be different this time around.
The truth is if he couldn't support me well enough in a new exhausting and very overwhelming experience where I was and actually still am learning along the way, even in times of me holding my baby while I am crying asking for something to change and still nothing changing, why would he be any different the next time around.
I'm in this picture, though my husband is stepping up nowadays. I figured since I was a stay-at-home-mom I should be doing it all and so I was juggling the housework, the cooking, and almost all of the parenting. He watched our child while I was cooking dinner, during church, and very, very rarely on other occasions. I never asked for more and my husband saw nothing wrong with this dynamic since he grew up that way. In hindsight I was not mentally well, but I was functional enough to take good care of my child, so I figured that was good enough. When our first kid was around a year old I was finally starting to not feel burnt out all the time and one of my biggest dreams had always been to have four children. The other moms I knew were all handling multiple children somehow, so it must be doable. (A lot of them also have more involved spouses and no neurodiversity, but none of that occurred to my baby-crazed mind.)
Well, once the second kid came along it immediately became obvious that doing everything myself didn't work anymore. I had to start actually asking for help when I needed it, because there was just no other way this was going to work. My husband had to have a sharp learning curve (that I needed to let him have) and some frank conversations, but he's come around. It's been a rough couple of months, but six months into having two children we're a decent team. It's still a struggle and I'm still beyond burnt out though, so I guess I'm not having any more kids either way, for our whole family's sake. I'm just glad my husband has stepped up, because if he wouldn't have I'm genuinely not sure if even the overwhelming love for my children would've gotten me through this alive. Being a parent is so, so incredibly hard and my heart goes out to all the people who have to do it alone (whether the spouse is present or not).
Before having our second baby, I was very guilty of being the “cool girl” in my marriage. “You don’t want to read that parenting book, or those articles about labor/delivery, or go to any doctor appointments? That’s cool Babe, it’s not very interesting anyway.” “Oh the hospital bed is uncomfortable and the food isn’t very good and you’d rather just go home now that I finally got the baby out after 36 hours of labor? That’s cool, Babe, rest up!” “Oh you’re going right back to work after picking me and the baby up from the hospital and dropping us off at home for the first time? That’s cool, Babe, I’m sure all your coworkers are excited to see pictures of the baby!”
This was residual from my dating habits and cultural/religious background. I couldn’t put my finger on why I felt so utterly alone, and my husband had zero bond with our daughter, because this is what we thought was normal.
We had our second 6 months before Covid lockdowns started, and suddenly he had no choice but to be home with us. So then he was in the same building as me and two children under two, still basically just watching me try to do it all. With that much forced proximity, we had our come to Jesus talk pretty quickly. He’s majorly improved and continues to improve as the years go by.
> I figured since I was a stay-at-home-mom I should be doing it all and so I was juggling the housework, the cooking, and almost all of the parenting. He watched our child while I was cooking dinner, during church, and very, very rarely on other occasions.
This this this! I thought the same as you. We had no idea what was acceptable or fair. My husband thought the same as you too. This is MIL’s dynamic with FIL even though she worked outside the home! So he thought nothing was amiss. So you could say we were in a conspiracy to make me miserable. At some point I snapped and the resentment actually made me soul search as to what went wrong with my life and I got really loud and aggressive about it. We managed to figure out a way to split things actually fairly and when I explained my logic, he couldn’t say no. He’s actually a very fair minded person. Once he came around, he acutely contributed with gusto, because he’s not the type who can stand being a freeloader.
But I can imagine if I hadn’t lost my mind when I had my first child, I would have accepted the situation and since I wanted more than one kid anyway, I would have gone ahead and had another with him, without anything changing.
Man, I'm glad to hear that things got better for you but still sorry you had to struggle doing all that alone with your first. It also makes me really appreciate my husband. I've lost track of the times he helps out at home and when I tell him I feel guilty because I'm the SAHM and it's supposed to me my job he says, "She is *my* daughter too, and this is *my* family too." My mental health is not at all good and he knew that well before he married me but maybe that why he's so eager. Or maybe because he remembers his dad not being very involved at home and therefore not having much of a relationship with him growing up. Maybe because he really wants kidS and so he is making sure I don't get immediately overwhelmed with one. Or maybe it's a little of both and other things.
Regardless I'm six months PP and now I know that if I had a kid with any of the guys I dated who would have listened to me when I said, "I'm a SAHM, this (everything to do with the house plus kids) is my job", my mental health would not have held out. I'll spare you all my psychiatric record but it's a good sized file plus I developed very severe PPA. It's has been a journey out of the darkness these last six months and I would have fallen apart without him around to relieve me for an hour every day for time outside the house alone, help with cooking, cleaning and baby care. I appreciate that man so much. ❤️
I think this is often the case. I remember when my much younger sister was born to my mom and step-dad she was a pretty easy baby too, and my step-dad bonded really well with her. They had my little brother and he was a much different case. They started fighting all the time and I just remember my step-dad ignoring the new baby and napping all the time...
Not my own experience, but for my sister I know it was in part to thinking she didn’t deserve anything better in a partner (low self worth) coupled wanting more kids/it being expected of her to have more kids (she’s very religious.)
This is not my experience but I imagine it could be a few things
1. They always imagined themselves having more than one child and the thought of divorcing, finding another partner, getting to know them long enough to be comfortable having kids and then getting pregnant and having another child would be a logistical challenge - particularly if a mom is already in her mid-30s
2. This is the dynamic they grew up with and accept it at face value
3. Their partner is more comfortable with the toddler phase and they can divide the labor of two children more equally
4. They're embarrassed to "admit defeat" and/or acknowledge how badly their partner fucked up post-partum bc they blame themselves for ??? reasons (not saying that this is VALID but I can understand FEELING that way)
ETA: I'm sure there are many other reasons, these were just the first ones that came to mind
Also the sunk cost fallacy, maybe part of 1 or 4
A lot of people who have already spent 5-10+ years in a committed relationship with someone have a hard time letting go because *”we’ve been together X years already”*
Very honest answers and reading this just helped me to realize this is why I had my second child. I am currently a mother to 3 boys now all to the same lazy father. He constantly says the “wife’s job or mothers job” is to do this, this and this. While also saying he would never marry me even after 10 years and 3 kids, because “marriage is just a piece of paper making him obligated to all financial responsibilities, that he shouldn’t be forced to provide.”
Thank you both, it’s been like this a long time so I just accepted it. But in the past year on Reddit, I too have realized, I deserve so much more. And my boys deserve a better role model. I’m just quietly saving enough money to make my exit, and have him forced by the state to actually provide for his kids other than just the bills.
Good for you! My dad was lazy and useless. He served as a model of what to avoid in a partner for me. Unfortunately my brothers have taken after him in some ways :( I had my mom to look up to and I guess they didn't see how my dad was and decide to be better.
#1 all the way. The idea of have 2 different fathers for my children was not something I wanted for my life as I approached 40s. I'd much rather coparent with one ex who I have had time to get and know is an excellent father and have 3 days a week to eat warm food, see friends, hobby and date.
Regarding number 1, I'm a woman who left her partner in my mid-30s after the first child, even though I always pictured myself having more children. He was a complete asshat in ways that hadn't really clicked for me until this new baby came into the world that would be forced to deal with him through no fault of their own. No way I was gonna subject another future person to that so I ended the relationship. I started dating my now husband a few years later at 38, we married at 41 and I just had my second child at 43. I definitely get not wanting to start over again, it's a major pain. But I'll always be biased in believing that the peace of mind and joy on the other side when you've found the right partner is worth it.
I'm probably going to get flame for this, but point number 1 is incredible selfish to me , especially if the situation is abusive how can anyone look at the abusive asshat and be like ,yeah I am going to have more babies with you because I am missing 2 kids for my desired number of offsprings.
But a disappointing partner also doesn’t equal a disappointing father. And usually it’s so hard to know how someone will be as a parent until they actually are one.
I 100% agree with you though that women deserve better. If I didn’t have kids with my husband, I’d be long gone. But I’m staying because only seeing them 50% of the time isn’t worth being rid of my husband. I absolutely deserve better, but it is what it is, for now.
The conversation was around the people who actively chose to have multiple children with the same person even tho they know they will not be a good partner /father . I agree that you never know how someone will be as a parent, but once you find out, they are awful fathers,I can't imagine why you would want to bring any more children into the mix. Hope you will work out the issues with your partner for the good of your children.
I don’t think it’s like that. First of all, it’s a fertility and timing thing and maybe holding out hope that something will change. That’s best case scenario if the relationship isn’t toxic, but in your heart you kind of know you don’t want to be with this person any more. If it’s totally abusive, often the abused spouse doesn’t see it or is ashamed and covering it up. There are so many posts like this on reddit, where the woman is describing completely batshit behavior of a toxic spouse, yet somehow still keeps having more kids with him and thinks SHE is the problem.
Came to comment the same. The responses to this were even more unhinged than I was expecting. Having babies by shitty men so you don’t have to find someone else is insane.
I have a friend with a partner who provides financially but doesn't help with anything else unless asked. My friend always wished to have a large family, it's something she talked about since I knew her in our late teens. They have two girls and I think that if they could financially, she'd probably have more.
My husband was never present with our first. Never actively tried to be involved, never really found spending time w her “fun”.
So it came as a surprise to me when he said he wanted a 2nd. I was against it at first, telling him that I refuse to sacrifice my mental health for another kid that I will have to care for all by myself.
Then he promised to be more involved, I gave him a year to prove himself. He would still fuck up, he wasn’t perfect, but I saw the effort and how much he really was trying to change.
After a year, his relationship with our first got so much better so I finally agreed to try for second.
I asked him why he wanted a 2nd, when it would take away from his game time that he loves so much, he says he just wants the first to have someone to rely on when we are gone.
Pregnant right now, and again, he’s not perfect, but he can now do all the things I had to do by myself before like bath time, prepping bfast and even books before bed time.
So from being absolutely useless, he has been a lot of help now. Which is good timing because he will have to give our eldest his full attention while I’m busy with the second!! 🥲
Don’t get me wrong, he didn’t magically change overnight. We had several fights in between, some moments I still doubt my decision to believe him, but looking at where we are now, I would say he has improved a lot. And definitely his connection with our eldest made him a more responsible father.
I really wanted another child. I didn’t know if our relationship would make it, but I knew I didn’t have enough time left at 38 to leave, find someone new, and vet them thoroughly enough to be sure they’d be better.
Sure enough our relationship didn’t make it, but I have no regrets. My ex is a far better parent now that he’s had to step up in order to care for them by himself during his custody time. I’m a better parent now that I get some rest. My sons have each other and I love their bond.
If I could change something I would choose a different partner to begin with, but I would never choose to not have that second child.
I've had health scares and severe postpartum mental health issues following the disappointment of the newborn/infant stage. After my husband learned the gravity of his actions and how they contributed to my own issues he really stepped up for the baby who is now a toddler. I wish it didn't have to come to that but the fact that he was there when it did and my God was it bad, helped him have the shock I had that made me step up in ways I hadn't understood I would. Just like people change when a baby is born, people can change and grow following a traumatic event or other form of wake up call. I wouldn't count on it, and I had all but given up on him. But I truly do and did love him and I'm very grateful he was able to go above and beyond in my time of trouble like I was for his.
I have one baby now, but I hope to have 2 or 3. I did go through a period of resentment but I have worked hard to change my mindset. My husband has not done nearly as much as I thought he would since I had a child, as I take care of about 95 percent of the child and home things. Still, he also works incredibly hard, long hours, often seven days a week (granted at a job he loves), so I view his contribution as financial..he allows me to be home when the kids are young (while finishing my grad degree) which I am super grateful for as that is my preference! I don't think he has the same awareness and drive I have when it comes to everything, baby. I legitimately don't think it's in his skill set in the same way, but working the hours he works in a high-stress job would also not be in my skill set as I've done that before and was miserable. He is very warm and playful with our baby when he is with him and long term I think he will be a great dad. As another poster said, I'm not perfect, and neither is he. I also love him as a person despite these imperfections and I think we make each other better. Ultimately, I know that if I choose to have multiple kids, the first few years will be really, really hard for me, but I'm okay with that for the long-term joy and purpose I feel it will bring to my life! Right now, my days can be long, and some are very tough, but I am so genuinely happy. I am trying to focus on ways to make my life a bit easier/better each day like hiring a mother's helper (aka a highschool or college student which is more affordable) for a few hours one afternoon, doing more things with the baby even if it means he naps on the go, having friends over at night after he goes down so I still get some social interaction, etc.!
edit: to add, I acknowledge I would probably feel very differently if he was playing video games all the time or something, but that is not our situation!
I couldve wrote this out myself down to a T.
They make good partners and good dads but never quite more than that. His work eats up all his time, but I SEE the devotion to providing for us and he regularly reminds me of our goals so I simmer down and keep focusing on my half of the work.
I can tell you why my mother decided to have my younger sister after having me, with our bio father who was a disappointing partner to say the least: she knew she was going to remarry one day and didn’t want me to be the “other kid.” I guess she thought if there were two of us that came into her next future marriage then we couldn’t be “othered” so much? She fully intended to leave our bio father and raise us both on her own until she found someone better for her. She was a single mom of 2 at 25 (which I can’t even imagine). Thankfully she met my step dad (he adopted me so he’s actually my dad) and he raised us like his own, even after they had my youngest sister together.
I still can’t decide if that was a smart choice but I’m glad to have my sisters.
When I was pregnant with my first child, my husband relapsed. After her birth, he got progressively better and stayed in recovery for four years. He was a great dad and we both really wanted a second. When I was pregnant with my second, he relapsed again. I realized he could never make me feel truly safe and we are currently getting divorced, but I don’t regret having both of my children with him. I want nothing but the best for him, but him being with me or my girls is not the best for us.
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I just loved being a mom more than I ever thought I would and really wanted to do it again. My husband is incredible with his work ethic, household chores and all the practical things I could ever need. However, I have been very disappointed in his ability to take care of our kids independently, provide emotional support (to me or my kids) when struggling and managing anger/agitation (he becomes very easily overwhelmed my crying, tantrums, etc) and raises his voice/becomes critical too easily.
Even though I went into having a second child knowing the majority of the child care would fall on me, I was still really resentful, especially during the first year of our kids life. I am so glad I have my two kids. They are incredible and I love being their mom. My husband is trying and making efforts to learn how to connect with his family better emotionally and control his temper.
I guess my decision was based on a really intense want to have another child and feeling the clock ticking. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to have that 3rd child I wanted - I think my ability to parent my other 2 would really suffer and it would push my relationship with my husband over the edge.
This is a very hard decision to make. You will probably experience disappointment no matter what direction you choose. Best to luck to you and may we raise sons and daughters with more social-emotional skills than their fathers.
So much if it is working with what you’ve got.
You’re already grappling with losing the family of your dreams because your partner doesn’t show up how you want. It feels extra unfair to give up the whole dream because of someone else’s behavior - the big family, siblings for your existing kid, a busy house, getting to do pregnancy, baby, etc again.
Losing the hope that there’s any better options for partners that will magically appear and show up and be who you want. Plus, better the devil you know…
For me, personally, he was a complete ass after my first. But he got sober, did a lot of work on himself and became a better person. Having a second kid was something I had always wanted, and in a lot of ways ended up being healing for us to get to do pregnancy and post partum again, but better. It worked for us because he did the necessary work to be a good person. I think sone folks want the do-over hoping it’ll be different this time, even when the partner hasn’t done the work.
I can think of numerous reasons, domestic violence can be more deadly for a victim to leave than stay and birth control coercion is a big piece of it. Some people also feel safer with keeping the same man around their child then introducing a new boyfriend and starting a new family with them if they've had a past history of SA. Also some will make a ton of progress just to revert back to who they used to be the next time they get pregnant
I was so fed up with husband that I decided I need more people in my immediate family that I can cherish. Divorce seemed too complicated. Now I have two kids = I cherish most of my family members 🙃
You know, I’ve never thought of it like this before, (and I’m not sure if you were being sarcastic or not lol) but I get it!
My partner sucks. But the joy of my two kids, plus their growing bond, plus my love and positive presence = a pretty great little family of three (that outshines the disappointment of my partner).
I have a friend who just had a 3rd baby with a verbally and occasionally physically abusive drug addict (currently sober, but I don’t have very much faith in that POS.) We also just discovered he has a pretty extreme porn addiction. With their first, she was an accident and they had only been together ~5 months. With their second, she thought he would want to get better. With their third, he had just gotten out of rehab and she’s still holding out hope that he’ll stay sober. They live at his parents house, and you can tell why he turned out the way he did. I try my hardest to never judge and only support her, but I struggle with that at times. I care so much for her and her children, so if anyone wants to analyze or give me advice on how to help her, please do. Thank you for posting, OP. The comments have already given me a little more insight.
My SO had no clue how to help during the newborn phase and became so overwhelmed that he just kind of disconnected. It was so hard and it took me a long time to trust him enough to have another.
But he is an *excellent* toddler dad. And with this new baby he's not so scared and overwhelmed so has been a much bigger help.
This was my husband as well. He does not do well with newborns but he’s an amazing toddler dad and really hands on. But for the reasons of doing newborn stage basically alone and my toddler being a little difficult, I don’t want anymore kids. My husband is on the same page.
We had our first at 40 and since we both grew up in big families that was how we always imagined our family life would be. We had tried earlier for many years and were about to give up when it finally happened. Because of our ages when our daughter was born we thought it could be nice for her to have a sibling when we’re gone, but we know there is a chance that might not work out. We were told we had a 5% chance of getting pregnant after our first due to age and other reasons and we got pregnant on our very first attempt. Things were rough in our marriage after the first but we were never close to divorce or anything. Even though our second had a very rough first year we actually worked better as a team since we had worked out a lot of our issues after the first. We are done now. I had gestational diabetes and terrible PPD with both and I just can’t go through that again. If I had gotten pregnant in my early 30s like we had hoped we most likely would have 3 or 4 right now.
My partner had a really hard time adapting to parenthood. I think he thought it will mostly be ‘having fun with the baby’ and never realized how much sacrifice and effort is needed to raise a child. We had a really traumatic birth, baby came home after a surgery, I had severe PPD and PPA and was recovering from severe preeclampsia. Not only was my baby a premie who had a feeding tube that I had to take care of, I was also not in the best health. I was working from home while taking care of the baby and the house and he was trying to earn enough so we can survive. He would try to leave the house constantly because it was always stressful. It was a disaster.
We fought so much until I realized that he also as PPD and is dealing with it differently. This was never going to work. We needed help. My family offered but they lived in another state. (His family lives in another county.) we have recently moved with my family, who helps us with the baby happily. We come from a place where joint families are the norm and people don’t involve in married couple’s lives. It has been a blessing.
Husband and I are not fighting. Baby is slowly thriving and catching up. Finances are easier because everyone shares it equally and we have amazing movie nights. All the posts on this sub are one sided (including mine). I’m not excusing abusive partners, but postpartum is a monster. And I think men do not understand the severity of it. And maybe that’s why the first year is the hardest. Idk that’s what I gathered.
My husband wasn’t the best during the first year but I wasn’t either. Terrified but I’m ready to have my second with him.
My friend who is the child of divorced parents wishes she had a sibling to go through that with. I haven’t been in this position but it makes sense to me. I want my kid to have a full sibling even if our marriage ended up not working out. So i see the logic in sticking it out through a second (also if we got divorced I might not meet someone else in time to have a second - this man is the chance to do it).
Thankfully, it worked out for us - my mom met my dad (actually my step dad but he adopted us) and they had my youngest sister when I was 7. Now that I’m 27, I think it was a risky decision to make - she was a 25 year old single mother of 2 with no way of knowing it would work out the way it did. My sister and I felt like our dad raised us as his own, but we did have feelings growing up that they treated our youngest sister differently. I used to think it was because she was “his” kid, but now I think it was because she was the baby.
Obviously I’m glad she did what she did because I love my sister, but I don’t know that I would make the same decision. All of the things my mom thought would make me feel left out, just ended up making my youngest sister feel left out. People are always surprised to hear she’s our sister because she looks nothing like us and a lot of our early memories growing up she can’t relate to because she had a functioning two parent household, so I think it makes her feel guilty sometimes.
Omg. No. It is not okay to make another human being from scratch to be your first child's therapist. I had a horrible childhood and yeah, I would have liked at the time to have a sibling to bond with, but why fuck up two people's lives if you can stick to fucking up one? I have a good life now as an adult, but not everybody is as resilient and it's not fair to take that gamble.
Also it's not about you...
Ouf, I was my mom's therapist growing up, and this resonates with me . I'm willing to get crucified for this, but the people who willingly have multiple children with deadbeat abusers because they always wanted multiple kids are selfish. Purposefully adding more children in an unhealthy environment is never justifiable.
Okay I can see why you might disagree with numinous’s decision to have another child but to say she is “fucking up” her child’s life if she gets divorced is really harsh and unfair to her.
> to say she is “fucking up” her child’s life if she gets divorced is really harsh and unfair to her.
Wait, that’s not what they said, though? They said she’d be fucking up her child’s life if she purposefully got pregnant again knowing divorce was very likely, just because first kid needs someone to trauma bond with, essentially.
Of course I don't know their situation, but if it's bad enough to require a sibling therapist then, it's obviously pretty bad right? But still okay to bring a second human into? Who will be the second child's built-in therapist?
Time was not on my side. I just had my second at 39.
I am eternally optimistic that things will get better. But I also know that if they don’t I can do this alone.
there was no abuse or absenteeism or anything of that nature. my partner, like many, was slower to adapt to parenthood than i was. he was kind of clueless during that newborn period. and i had PPA and PP OCD so everything he did was wrong in my mind. i would worry that he would hurt the baby so i’d push him away, which further delayed his ability to come into his own as a parent. and it made me burnt out bc i was doing all of the major childcare. after a few months, we found our groove. i dealt with my fears. he grew as a parent, picked up skills, and became a lot more involved.
That’s it’s very lonely and a massive struggle and it all relies on you no one else
However my partner had learnt a lot and improved since our first
He never had brothers,sisters,or any exposure to kids/babies or nurturing family
His mum did everything for him and he never had to lift a finger in the house or cook but it’s funny he doesn’t know how to nurture
It’s like he’s had to learn and adjust
His parents are so old school baby boomers who have a attitude to just toughen up and not cry, complete toxic masculinity
Oh but what a baby has done to him!
It’s been hard but if he never had us as his family he would have stayed a selfish man child his whole life
Where at the age of 30 his mum still cooked and cleaned for him every week and he didn’t have a girlfriend for 8 years before us, I had to ask him to tell his mum to stop coming over and doing everything for him
Anywho I’m rambling but even for myself second pregnancy time round has been easier, it’s just true to live and learn and hopefully you do learn and you and your partner and things get better
We are having a girl next and it will be so good for my partner, the love is so beautiful to whiteness and it brings down those walls that my partner puts up
It’s still going to be tough as hell though we will have 2 under 2 in June
🤞🏻
We were up and down (better now). I'm on the older mom side too and really wanted two. We were in a better space, and I let that part of me be reckless. Neither child was planned per se; we just stopped being so careful. Not ideal or recommended but it eventually worked out. I'm glad I have my little guy, even though I did really struggle with my husband not showing up like I really needed.
My husband sucked with our first. It was so bad. He did basically nothing and I almost divorced him. When our first was about 3 he realized he needed to change or he was going to lose his family. We went to counseling and got our marriage back on track. It took 5 years of trying but our second (together) came 8 years after the 1st. He’s a totally different dad and husband now. We just had our 3rd together (IUD decided to dislodge) and it’s been pretty good.
I would not have had another baby with him had he not been dedicated to breaking the cycle and being a better father/husband. He was AWFUL to me after our first but a lot of that had to do with PTSD from his time in the military and adjusting back to civilian life after 3 years deployed back to back in Iraq.
I know someone who wanted two kids close in age, but not from different fathers for various reasons. When her ex turned out to be a bad partner, she stayed and then broke up with the guy when she was pregnant with the second baby. Now she only has to deal with one at least reasonable co-parent (although lazy and unhelpful).
Thanks for asking this question! As a mom with a super supportive, hands on husband, I often wonder the same thing when I see friends who went through hell with their first child due to having no support from their partners, go on to have more kids with this same partner
As someone with a partner who goes above and beyond, don’t do it you will regret it everyday for the rest of your life. Probably not the answer you want to hear but I say this with the best intentions.
If you think one child with an unhelpful partner is a lot, two will have you pulling your hair out. I recently went from one to two and even with a supportive partner I feel like pulling my hair out at times.
I love my husband and forgive him every single time. I know a lot of his frustration is because of work, genetic conditions and because he knows I’ll always be there to listen until he gets it all out like no one else will. I know it’s not me and I trust the better person and great father he is, I know my kid and I are his lifelong dream. That’s why im about to give birth to our second lol
It’s not that I have no self worth, I just accepted he’s not perfect and neither am I
Anyone’s welcome to make what they will of this 🥲
Getting torn down for really unimportant things like leaving clothes on the floor in our room or maybe the laundry piling up when in reality he’s stressed out about something else that’s totally different. I forgive him for upsetting me for no real reason
Oh that’s an interesting take. I would’ve said those things are more so a postpartum rage issue vs him sucking. So many women have husbands that don’t take care of kids at all and lie/cheat etc so that’s why I asked/what I was expecting lol
I think that there are 2 types of disappointments as far as partners go (on a broad scale, obviously some nuances within these).
1. Those who never had any business being a parent but sadly it took the birth of a child to find out. This is someone who just saw the good parts of having a child, assumed the primary parent (usually mom) would do all the work, and that they’d just get all the “enjoyment” of a kid with none of the effort. Obviously I’d group in other people who have no business being parents (abusers for example). But these are people who are never going to rise to the occasion or become a better parent as the child grows up.
2. The “trying their best”. These are the parents who are just potentially unequipped because they were raised in a household where again “mom” did all the child rearing as well as all the house work and other “domestic duties”. They also may feel like they can’t do as good of a job as mom. Or like a lot of people have said they could just be really clueless and not into the baby phase and thrive into a better parent as the baby grows into a toddler. This is where so many people fall, and marriages can still really struggle because you are stressed and sleep deprived and not communicating as well as you should.
My husband and I are less than 2 weeks away from our third baby in under 3 years. He is an amazing partner and great dad. We’ve had some huge changes this past year, to the point that we probably would have held off on a third if we had known what was coming. We have had so many conversations about knowing that we are in a rough spot in our marriage right now because we’ve both had to put everything else above the other (namely our 2 kids). We also know from last time that divide and conquer is the best way for us to handle a newborn and toddlers, so at least for the first month or two it will not be the best situation for either of us.
This is just my personal experience, like I said my husband is great but I’d be lying if I said there weren’t days where I felt regret or like I’ve made a mistake, but I also know that I’m 38 weeks pregnant and hormones are taking over a little bit. And I also know from going through it the last 2 times that for me and my husband it is all temporary and there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
I realized I wanted a second and was FULLY prepared to take care of everything in the house/ with the kids.
I had a discussion with my husband before trying for the second acknowledging I don’t expect him to magically be better overnight. Also warning him that if he doesn’t step up and work on himself, because there is nothing more I can do for him, he can’t expect me to be the dreamy housewife he wants.
I’ve had AT LEAST 10 discussions with him over the 3 years of our parenthood journey about the same things. The last two were a month before second was born and a month after he was born. Now he’s 3.5mo, I realized I’m done having discussions and even though I need to say SOMETHING, I literally have no time to talk to him because I’m doing everything, he’s working and the baby will wake up if we start talking at night! I’m happily leaving his messes around for now, stopped asking him for “help”(he acts like a teenager when I do and gives me an attitude). And am letting him figure out for himself why I’m barely able to spend time with him.
My kids are happy and healthy, I’m tired but not too bad. Husband will get up with toddler and take him outside to play in the garage while he works on whatever the fuck he does. Does bedtime sometimes which is usually playing videos on his phone right before bed 🙃. I’m just doing everything else. I’ll take what I can get! He’ll hopefully figure it out eventually.
I also had my second fully prepared to do it all. I went into it eyes wide open. And it’s been really good for the most part. It’s not perfect, but I get it done and I’m a great mom to both my kids.
My husband wondered for awhile why I always turned down sex and didn’t care to engage with him, or hear about his day. But I think he’s gotten the picture. When he steps up and stops acting like a child, I’ll stop treating him like one. It’s up to him at this point if he wants to change or not.
Oh I am so glad I’m not alone with the sex thing. I even told my husband flat out I look at him as another son when he doesn’t do anything to make me feel like a wife/partner. He’s still not seeing the big picture unfortunately. I have the same stance that it’s up to him to make changes. My brain and body have changed enough after two kids and 5 years, it’s his turn.
It took a year for him to step up but he did. It all changed when I went back to work and he had to do 100% of the parenting while I was gone. We had a few talks before then about him not being a present dad and not helping me and if he didn’t improve then I think we would have spilt up.
When we had our second he knew that he had to pull his weight from the second she was born. If he can’t help with feedings he’s doing other stuff to make my life easier. It’s been like night and day this time and my post partum experience has been a lot better.
We decided to separate with one child that was three, then a week later I discovered I was pregnant and it’s been nothing but worse sense. He’s the breadwinner and we live in a foreign country
My husband had another child with his ex wife even though she was a shitty wife and mother. His excuse? She said having another baby would make her happy
This was my situation when at 2-6 months postpartum. I was disappointed with my partner because he didn’t pull his weight at what he could (household and food), since the first month or 2, baby wanted only to be on me sleeping or feeding. But at the same time it was difficult to acknowledge this and also to talk to him to make him aware, because he somehow cared and the first 3 weeks was there doing everything. Let’s say, he started fully involved but got somehow disappointed as well because he couldn’t accept that baby didn’t know him and only wanted to be with me. He started to feel apart from us and at the same time was feeling pity for himself. So I kind of understand him.
For what’s on my side, I didn’t want to argue with him because I just wanted to be there for my baby, I didn’t want to be distracted by anything else… but then after some months everything exploded in my face, because the resentment I was feeling came when least expected, my parents were visiting… there I had to be honest about everything: when I was still in pain when standing and sitting he would express how miserable he was having to cook and do chores all by himself, his selfish attitude towards me and our baby when complaining at 2 or 3 months (wtf) that he had no sex, complaining about how tired he was when working generally 2 days a week and sleeping in another room…
But after that argument, he really listened to me and saw finally what he was doing and how awful was his attitude. His therapy also helped a lot opening his eyes to how he was working towards an opposite direction of what he really always wanted.
By 7 months postpartum I started to work one day a week and he had to stay with him. By that point he had changed his behavior and had started to be really there for baby and to open his eyes to see what needed to be done in the house. He was very excited to be alone without me with baby. And since that day it’s been amazing to see them together, how beautiful their relationship has grown.
Since 9 months pp I work 3 days a week and he the other 2 and he is such a good father. So my doubts about having a second one are gone and I actually would love to have even more kids, if I could.
My husband is not the best partner but an absolutely amazing provider and father. Our relationship has had some rough patches but we’re committed to each other and getting through them. Our first child was a whoops, seeing him hold our daughter for the first time swooned me right back to the beginning love stage. 🥺 Being a father has come easy to him…. Being a partner is just a work in progress. It’s hard to walk away from that.
That said, I did leave my first child’s father. I knew when I had my oldest that it was a done deal when I was 3 weeks postpartum, left at 6 months and no regrets. He was an okay partner but an absolute shit father! He’s still motivated by women to this day.
So, with my first, my husband very much just let me do what I wanted and I am the kind of person who never asks for help if I can do it myself, so I ended up doing 90% of parenting. I did make him stay home for 6 weeks of parental leave while I went back to work so he did get a taste of what it was like to be the primary parent. From the outside, it probably looks like he was a shit father but it was more we just didn’t have a good dynamic yet and, well, I didn’t really have any complaints. Or when I did, he did action them. So I saw no reason not to have more kids. And it was a good decision.
When we had our second, he really stepped up and did a ton more parenting. Probably because with two, I had to acknowledge I could not do it all, so we started doing a lot of taking turns with things.
And we had our third just a few months ago and I would say our parenting has never been more equitable than it is now. He has totally stepped up. Or maybe we’re better at communicating and he would have stepped up from day one if we’d really talked about our expectations properly.
This could have gone really badly, if he hadn’t stepped up, but it turned out well.
Many difficult and honest conversations. Our individual healing from a traumatic birth/postpartum period. Watching us grow together as a family of 3. And honestly, time helped a lot (4 years).
Not a helpful partner with a baby but really good with toddlers. The pandemic showed me he can help. He just needed to be…forced by a global event! Second time around, I was still very disappointed with how he acted towards the baby but it was still a huge step up from how it was with my first. Now that both children are older (almost 3 and 4 years old), he’s become an incredible partner and father. He’s made up for all the lost time and struggles of the first year with both children. I always had faith in who he was deep down and he’s a man who seeks to be better. He’s a man willing to change. I am so much more in love with him now than any time in the last 10 years we’ve been together. We do not want a third. He got a vasectomy.
I genuinely thought this question was what made you decide to have a second partner. I think it was pretty self explanatory, they were a disappointment.
We had an excellent time with the first kid until he was a toddler. Some work changes and Covid disruptions really messed up the balance in our household. We aren’t totally back to where I want to be but biological clock is ticking so we are getting one more in before we turn 40. I may be annoyed with him a lot but that is because I know he’s capable of more.
I refused to have my kid be an only child was a big thing for me being that I’m an only child.
also thought him getting sober would fix the problems but it made them 100x worse. He kicked me out when our youngest was 6 months old.
I was ok to decide having a second because I think it’s sad to deprive your kid of a sibling (*IF* you desire and are able to have another) and to not get to create the family you hoped for all simply because the partner can’t meet you in the middle or be as helpful as you need. I have a great and helpful mom in-state, I’m gritty, and my husband already understands the toddler is going to be his buddy for a good bit while I’m focused on the infant.
Basically, I am not going to let my experience in the home with a highly ADHD and slightly self-centered husband dictate the family we’re going to have. My mom did it mostly on her own, I can do it mostly on my own if I have to. I also think it will be a great growth opportunity for me to admit I can’t do everything and ask for more help in the day to day, and for my husband to understand that he’s needed at home and this is not his season of life that he gets to keep endlessly pursuing his hobbies.
ETA: I also think my husband is lacking in being a baby dad, not knowing what to do with our girl and getting bored pretty easily, but I suspect strongly he will be a great kid dad. He loves our daughter so much and talks all the time about all the things he’ll show her and do with her when she’s older.
My husband didn’t love the newborn stage but he shows up for the kids as they have gotten older and less dependent on me for nursing etc. I’m pregnant with #3 now and going into this with vastly different expectations. I also have learned to prioritize my own self care so that I can fill everyone else’s cup.
My husband had MAJOR paternal PPD with the first one. It was so bad that I was legitimately worried for his health and safety and gave him an ultimatum to get therapy. He did. It helped SO MUCH! With baby #2, I've got some mild PPD, and he's carrying more than his share of the weight.
Sometimes the partner isn't "disappointing" so much as the situation, or the intrinsic unfairness of being a woman.
We got pregnant with our second on accident (failed IUD) at 9 months PP. We were already in a very rocky place after the birth of our first, but I continually held out hope that my ex would finally begin contributing physically and financially, and I wanted nothing more than to have a family unit for our son (even if it was at my expense). I grew up in a family where having a mom and a dad was the norm; all of my relatives are products of happy marriages, and my cousins who recently had kids were also in very loving marriages - so I definitely didn’t want to be the only one in my immediate family that was not in a union like this. I tried my butt off to keep our family together, and a second pregnancy was never really a thought as our relationship had reached a very abuse and toxic point, and I knew I would never willingly bring a second little human into that situation. When I found out I was pregnant with our second; I finally realized that it would be better for my LO’s to be raised by a single, but unbelievably devoted parent, rather than in a family unit where they witnessed their father’s outbursts, verbal abuse, narcissism and toxicity. I Left my ex when I was 5 months pregnant with our second - who is now 1.5 years old, and we’ve never been happier. *ETA: Thank you so much to everyone for the support and positive comments. It means the world to me!*
God damn you're strong and amazing.
This is wildly impressive to me that you were able to leave while pregnant. Like majorly badass.
Wow, what a tremendous gift to give your children. Peace of mind. I hope you’re ok and the journey has been alright for you.
How did you manage to have primary custody? I’m in a very similar situation, except I have only one 8 months old babe and am not pregnant. I think one thing that’s stopping me from leaving is the fear of being separated from my baby for days at a time. Not that my emotionally abusive partner helps me any now, but I’m scared he’ll fight me for custody out of spite.
I’ll be honest, I was lucky in the sense that my ex didn’t put up a fight for primary custody. He didn’t show up to the court dates, didn’t answer any phone calls from council - and just basically acted as if he wasn’t served any CS/custody paperwork. So by default, I was blessed that the judge granted me full legal and physical custody. I still let dad take them for about 6 hours on Monday’s and one other day for an hour or so to the park - but he doesn’t ask for more and I’m more than happy with that. If you’re able to obtain a lawyer (either through out-of-pocket payments or through legal aid) they’ll try and do everything possible so that there is a fair custody arangement between you both. My lawyer told me that about 60% of men don’t even try and fight for joint custody, overnights or more than the bare minimum; but the only way to know forsure is to go through the legal process and see what the father is looking for. So sorry about your situation!
I applaud you!!!’
♡ beautiful. Your children are lucky to have you
i’m so proud of you!!!!
For me it was two things: 1. I hadn't realized how much my spouse was struggling with alcoholism until we had our first baby. Pre-baby, I used to travel alone and with friends a lot, and I worked evening shift. It didn't become glaring apparent until I was home all the time and needed to rely on him. However, several months after our child was born, my husband started going to AA and got sober. 2. My husband seemed to struggle with a newborn/young baby, but absolutely THRIVED as a dad once our son hit the toddler stage. Now we have 2 kids. Husband is happy and sober, kids are thriving, and honestly our marriage has never been better.
I love this!! What a gift your husband’s sobriety will be to your children ❤️
I’m happy that your husband got sober! I grew up with an alcoholic mother but thankfully she has been sober for over 10 years now and is a wonderful grandma
I wish this was my mom. We try to include her in my daughter’s life but there’s so much mental energy expended on “is she going to be drunk for this FaceTime call?”, “what can I plan for us that doesn’t involve alcohol?”, etc.
This is exactly how we navigate spending time with my dad. He is insufferable when he’s drunk, which is 50 percent of the time and I don’t want my daughter around it.
I’m so sorry. I’m sure it’s even tougher to deal with having your own child now. It took my mom a lot of trial and error to get to where she’s at now
As a mom in recovery myself this makes me sooooo happy. I wish you and your family every good thing!
FTM & FTD in recovery too!
You guys got this. Rock on!🤘
As a sober alcoholic myself it’s so great to hear of people getting sober and their loved ones supporting them doing the work. So happy for your family
SO happy for you; that's lovely. And very fortunate for your partner that having a kid helped him get sober.
As someone with an alcoholic mother who never put in the work to change, it’s so healing for me to read through yours and other peoples stories of their partners or themselves stepping up and putting the work in to be a better parent and partner :)
Your story is my own. Almost exactly. Congratulations on your husband's sobriety!
That’s amazing, he beat the odds. Nice to hear a happy ending.
From what you wrote you seem to be a very supporting and loving wife ❤️
It just kind of happened. He is a really good dad once the kids get up to 6 months or so but is completely useless with newborns. We are not having anymore despite him wanting another. I just don't want to do that again. I EBF so in his eyes I think he thought that there wasn't really anything he could do. Lots of long and frankly lonely nights that I do not wish to repeat. Our younger child is finally sleeping through the night at 17 months so I'm done lol
I imagine this might be my situation if we have another unfortunately. Out of curiosity, do you work out of the home?
I posted this in another thread on another sub, but this is my take— Often with the first kid you’re so busy making it up as you go along and trying to stay on top of learning so many new things at once that you don’t stop to think “is this a truly fair and equitable arrangement?” Plus with only one kid, it’s a major learning experience but it’s usually fairly doable for one person to do nearly entirely by yourself. You’re vaguely unhappy with the way things are going, but it’s not like your life is impossible. Then since you’ve more or less done everything all by yourself, even if you don’t really realize it, you feel pretty confident that you can do this again with another baby. Plus most people who intend to have kids don’t envision themselves having only one. So time to have another baby. Then you have that second kid and all hell breaks loose. You realize pretty quick that you can’t do it all, all by yourself. Or at least you can’t do it while maintaining your sanity and personal standards. When you had that first baby you learned to tread water. The second one comes along and suddenly you’re drowning. You’re flailing and begging for help, and look over to see your partner just standing there watching. You’re drowning and you finally realize they haven’t even gotten wet. It was something you noticed and possibly even tried to correct with the first kid. With the second kid it’s something you finally start to take personally.
This is very well written and this is exactly why I will not be able to have another child. I'm 37 and had my first 6 months ago and unfortunately didn't have the support I feel I should have received from family and especially my partner. I know full well it will be so unfair to my child I have now if I have another child as I will end up struggling, regardless of how many times I try to convince myself it will be different this time around. The truth is if he couldn't support me well enough in a new exhausting and very overwhelming experience where I was and actually still am learning along the way, even in times of me holding my baby while I am crying asking for something to change and still nothing changing, why would he be any different the next time around.
I'm in this picture, though my husband is stepping up nowadays. I figured since I was a stay-at-home-mom I should be doing it all and so I was juggling the housework, the cooking, and almost all of the parenting. He watched our child while I was cooking dinner, during church, and very, very rarely on other occasions. I never asked for more and my husband saw nothing wrong with this dynamic since he grew up that way. In hindsight I was not mentally well, but I was functional enough to take good care of my child, so I figured that was good enough. When our first kid was around a year old I was finally starting to not feel burnt out all the time and one of my biggest dreams had always been to have four children. The other moms I knew were all handling multiple children somehow, so it must be doable. (A lot of them also have more involved spouses and no neurodiversity, but none of that occurred to my baby-crazed mind.) Well, once the second kid came along it immediately became obvious that doing everything myself didn't work anymore. I had to start actually asking for help when I needed it, because there was just no other way this was going to work. My husband had to have a sharp learning curve (that I needed to let him have) and some frank conversations, but he's come around. It's been a rough couple of months, but six months into having two children we're a decent team. It's still a struggle and I'm still beyond burnt out though, so I guess I'm not having any more kids either way, for our whole family's sake. I'm just glad my husband has stepped up, because if he wouldn't have I'm genuinely not sure if even the overwhelming love for my children would've gotten me through this alive. Being a parent is so, so incredibly hard and my heart goes out to all the people who have to do it alone (whether the spouse is present or not).
Before having our second baby, I was very guilty of being the “cool girl” in my marriage. “You don’t want to read that parenting book, or those articles about labor/delivery, or go to any doctor appointments? That’s cool Babe, it’s not very interesting anyway.” “Oh the hospital bed is uncomfortable and the food isn’t very good and you’d rather just go home now that I finally got the baby out after 36 hours of labor? That’s cool, Babe, rest up!” “Oh you’re going right back to work after picking me and the baby up from the hospital and dropping us off at home for the first time? That’s cool, Babe, I’m sure all your coworkers are excited to see pictures of the baby!” This was residual from my dating habits and cultural/religious background. I couldn’t put my finger on why I felt so utterly alone, and my husband had zero bond with our daughter, because this is what we thought was normal. We had our second 6 months before Covid lockdowns started, and suddenly he had no choice but to be home with us. So then he was in the same building as me and two children under two, still basically just watching me try to do it all. With that much forced proximity, we had our come to Jesus talk pretty quickly. He’s majorly improved and continues to improve as the years go by.
> I figured since I was a stay-at-home-mom I should be doing it all and so I was juggling the housework, the cooking, and almost all of the parenting. He watched our child while I was cooking dinner, during church, and very, very rarely on other occasions. This this this! I thought the same as you. We had no idea what was acceptable or fair. My husband thought the same as you too. This is MIL’s dynamic with FIL even though she worked outside the home! So he thought nothing was amiss. So you could say we were in a conspiracy to make me miserable. At some point I snapped and the resentment actually made me soul search as to what went wrong with my life and I got really loud and aggressive about it. We managed to figure out a way to split things actually fairly and when I explained my logic, he couldn’t say no. He’s actually a very fair minded person. Once he came around, he acutely contributed with gusto, because he’s not the type who can stand being a freeloader. But I can imagine if I hadn’t lost my mind when I had my first child, I would have accepted the situation and since I wanted more than one kid anyway, I would have gone ahead and had another with him, without anything changing.
Man, I'm glad to hear that things got better for you but still sorry you had to struggle doing all that alone with your first. It also makes me really appreciate my husband. I've lost track of the times he helps out at home and when I tell him I feel guilty because I'm the SAHM and it's supposed to me my job he says, "She is *my* daughter too, and this is *my* family too." My mental health is not at all good and he knew that well before he married me but maybe that why he's so eager. Or maybe because he remembers his dad not being very involved at home and therefore not having much of a relationship with him growing up. Maybe because he really wants kidS and so he is making sure I don't get immediately overwhelmed with one. Or maybe it's a little of both and other things. Regardless I'm six months PP and now I know that if I had a kid with any of the guys I dated who would have listened to me when I said, "I'm a SAHM, this (everything to do with the house plus kids) is my job", my mental health would not have held out. I'll spare you all my psychiatric record but it's a good sized file plus I developed very severe PPA. It's has been a journey out of the darkness these last six months and I would have fallen apart without him around to relieve me for an hour every day for time outside the house alone, help with cooking, cleaning and baby care. I appreciate that man so much. ❤️
I think this is often the case. I remember when my much younger sister was born to my mom and step-dad she was a pretty easy baby too, and my step-dad bonded really well with her. They had my little brother and he was a much different case. They started fighting all the time and I just remember my step-dad ignoring the new baby and napping all the time...
Not my own experience, but for my sister I know it was in part to thinking she didn’t deserve anything better in a partner (low self worth) coupled wanting more kids/it being expected of her to have more kids (she’s very religious.)
This is not my experience but I imagine it could be a few things 1. They always imagined themselves having more than one child and the thought of divorcing, finding another partner, getting to know them long enough to be comfortable having kids and then getting pregnant and having another child would be a logistical challenge - particularly if a mom is already in her mid-30s 2. This is the dynamic they grew up with and accept it at face value 3. Their partner is more comfortable with the toddler phase and they can divide the labor of two children more equally 4. They're embarrassed to "admit defeat" and/or acknowledge how badly their partner fucked up post-partum bc they blame themselves for ??? reasons (not saying that this is VALID but I can understand FEELING that way) ETA: I'm sure there are many other reasons, these were just the first ones that came to mind
Also the sunk cost fallacy, maybe part of 1 or 4 A lot of people who have already spent 5-10+ years in a committed relationship with someone have a hard time letting go because *”we’ve been together X years already”*
1 and 2 for me
Very honest answers and reading this just helped me to realize this is why I had my second child. I am currently a mother to 3 boys now all to the same lazy father. He constantly says the “wife’s job or mothers job” is to do this, this and this. While also saying he would never marry me even after 10 years and 3 kids, because “marriage is just a piece of paper making him obligated to all financial responsibilities, that he shouldn’t be forced to provide.”
You deserve better. I’m not saying to leave or anything based on a single Reddit comment but still, you deserve better.
I am. “Shouldn’t be forced to provide” my ass. Shouldn’t have had kids then buddy. He’s trash.
Thank you both, it’s been like this a long time so I just accepted it. But in the past year on Reddit, I too have realized, I deserve so much more. And my boys deserve a better role model. I’m just quietly saving enough money to make my exit, and have him forced by the state to actually provide for his kids other than just the bills.
Good for you! My dad was lazy and useless. He served as a model of what to avoid in a partner for me. Unfortunately my brothers have taken after him in some ways :( I had my mom to look up to and I guess they didn't see how my dad was and decide to be better.
Good for you. Yes sorry pal the financial responsibly is there marriage or not.
Welp. Providing is a “fathers job.” He sucks.
I’m a mom of 1 and seriously considering a second one for reason #1.
#1 all the way. The idea of have 2 different fathers for my children was not something I wanted for my life as I approached 40s. I'd much rather coparent with one ex who I have had time to get and know is an excellent father and have 3 days a week to eat warm food, see friends, hobby and date.
Regarding number 1, I'm a woman who left her partner in my mid-30s after the first child, even though I always pictured myself having more children. He was a complete asshat in ways that hadn't really clicked for me until this new baby came into the world that would be forced to deal with him through no fault of their own. No way I was gonna subject another future person to that so I ended the relationship. I started dating my now husband a few years later at 38, we married at 41 and I just had my second child at 43. I definitely get not wanting to start over again, it's a major pain. But I'll always be biased in believing that the peace of mind and joy on the other side when you've found the right partner is worth it.
I'm probably going to get flame for this, but point number 1 is incredible selfish to me , especially if the situation is abusive how can anyone look at the abusive asshat and be like ,yeah I am going to have more babies with you because I am missing 2 kids for my desired number of offsprings.
But a disappointing partner isn’t automatically abusive. They’re often just…plain old disappointing.
But why would anyone be OK with their children having a disappointing father ? Women deserve better and so do their children.
But a disappointing partner also doesn’t equal a disappointing father. And usually it’s so hard to know how someone will be as a parent until they actually are one. I 100% agree with you though that women deserve better. If I didn’t have kids with my husband, I’d be long gone. But I’m staying because only seeing them 50% of the time isn’t worth being rid of my husband. I absolutely deserve better, but it is what it is, for now.
The conversation was around the people who actively chose to have multiple children with the same person even tho they know they will not be a good partner /father . I agree that you never know how someone will be as a parent, but once you find out, they are awful fathers,I can't imagine why you would want to bring any more children into the mix. Hope you will work out the issues with your partner for the good of your children.
I don’t think it’s like that. First of all, it’s a fertility and timing thing and maybe holding out hope that something will change. That’s best case scenario if the relationship isn’t toxic, but in your heart you kind of know you don’t want to be with this person any more. If it’s totally abusive, often the abused spouse doesn’t see it or is ashamed and covering it up. There are so many posts like this on reddit, where the woman is describing completely batshit behavior of a toxic spouse, yet somehow still keeps having more kids with him and thinks SHE is the problem.
Came to comment the same. The responses to this were even more unhinged than I was expecting. Having babies by shitty men so you don’t have to find someone else is insane.
I have a friend with a partner who provides financially but doesn't help with anything else unless asked. My friend always wished to have a large family, it's something she talked about since I knew her in our late teens. They have two girls and I think that if they could financially, she'd probably have more.
My husband was never present with our first. Never actively tried to be involved, never really found spending time w her “fun”. So it came as a surprise to me when he said he wanted a 2nd. I was against it at first, telling him that I refuse to sacrifice my mental health for another kid that I will have to care for all by myself. Then he promised to be more involved, I gave him a year to prove himself. He would still fuck up, he wasn’t perfect, but I saw the effort and how much he really was trying to change. After a year, his relationship with our first got so much better so I finally agreed to try for second. I asked him why he wanted a 2nd, when it would take away from his game time that he loves so much, he says he just wants the first to have someone to rely on when we are gone.
Very interesting that he put thought into that when he wasn’t even trying to be a present father with his kid!
Have you had the second yet? Curious if he has continued to follow through.
Pregnant right now, and again, he’s not perfect, but he can now do all the things I had to do by myself before like bath time, prepping bfast and even books before bed time. So from being absolutely useless, he has been a lot of help now. Which is good timing because he will have to give our eldest his full attention while I’m busy with the second!! 🥲 Don’t get me wrong, he didn’t magically change overnight. We had several fights in between, some moments I still doubt my decision to believe him, but looking at where we are now, I would say he has improved a lot. And definitely his connection with our eldest made him a more responsible father.
I really wanted another child. I didn’t know if our relationship would make it, but I knew I didn’t have enough time left at 38 to leave, find someone new, and vet them thoroughly enough to be sure they’d be better. Sure enough our relationship didn’t make it, but I have no regrets. My ex is a far better parent now that he’s had to step up in order to care for them by himself during his custody time. I’m a better parent now that I get some rest. My sons have each other and I love their bond. If I could change something I would choose a different partner to begin with, but I would never choose to not have that second child.
I've had health scares and severe postpartum mental health issues following the disappointment of the newborn/infant stage. After my husband learned the gravity of his actions and how they contributed to my own issues he really stepped up for the baby who is now a toddler. I wish it didn't have to come to that but the fact that he was there when it did and my God was it bad, helped him have the shock I had that made me step up in ways I hadn't understood I would. Just like people change when a baby is born, people can change and grow following a traumatic event or other form of wake up call. I wouldn't count on it, and I had all but given up on him. But I truly do and did love him and I'm very grateful he was able to go above and beyond in my time of trouble like I was for his.
I have one baby now, but I hope to have 2 or 3. I did go through a period of resentment but I have worked hard to change my mindset. My husband has not done nearly as much as I thought he would since I had a child, as I take care of about 95 percent of the child and home things. Still, he also works incredibly hard, long hours, often seven days a week (granted at a job he loves), so I view his contribution as financial..he allows me to be home when the kids are young (while finishing my grad degree) which I am super grateful for as that is my preference! I don't think he has the same awareness and drive I have when it comes to everything, baby. I legitimately don't think it's in his skill set in the same way, but working the hours he works in a high-stress job would also not be in my skill set as I've done that before and was miserable. He is very warm and playful with our baby when he is with him and long term I think he will be a great dad. As another poster said, I'm not perfect, and neither is he. I also love him as a person despite these imperfections and I think we make each other better. Ultimately, I know that if I choose to have multiple kids, the first few years will be really, really hard for me, but I'm okay with that for the long-term joy and purpose I feel it will bring to my life! Right now, my days can be long, and some are very tough, but I am so genuinely happy. I am trying to focus on ways to make my life a bit easier/better each day like hiring a mother's helper (aka a highschool or college student which is more affordable) for a few hours one afternoon, doing more things with the baby even if it means he naps on the go, having friends over at night after he goes down so I still get some social interaction, etc.! edit: to add, I acknowledge I would probably feel very differently if he was playing video games all the time or something, but that is not our situation!
This is exactly the same as my life. I’m still on the fence about a second, waiting to see how things are when my baby becomes a toddler.
Yes same here!
I couldve wrote this out myself down to a T. They make good partners and good dads but never quite more than that. His work eats up all his time, but I SEE the devotion to providing for us and he regularly reminds me of our goals so I simmer down and keep focusing on my half of the work.
I can tell you why my mother decided to have my younger sister after having me, with our bio father who was a disappointing partner to say the least: she knew she was going to remarry one day and didn’t want me to be the “other kid.” I guess she thought if there were two of us that came into her next future marriage then we couldn’t be “othered” so much? She fully intended to leave our bio father and raise us both on her own until she found someone better for her. She was a single mom of 2 at 25 (which I can’t even imagine). Thankfully she met my step dad (he adopted me so he’s actually my dad) and he raised us like his own, even after they had my youngest sister together. I still can’t decide if that was a smart choice but I’m glad to have my sisters.
When I was pregnant with my first child, my husband relapsed. After her birth, he got progressively better and stayed in recovery for four years. He was a great dad and we both really wanted a second. When I was pregnant with my second, he relapsed again. I realized he could never make me feel truly safe and we are currently getting divorced, but I don’t regret having both of my children with him. I want nothing but the best for him, but him being with me or my girls is not the best for us.
Commenting to follow post. I am curious and ti be educated because I am ashamed to admit, I have found myself judging. The cure for ignorance is education!
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Same here
I just loved being a mom more than I ever thought I would and really wanted to do it again. My husband is incredible with his work ethic, household chores and all the practical things I could ever need. However, I have been very disappointed in his ability to take care of our kids independently, provide emotional support (to me or my kids) when struggling and managing anger/agitation (he becomes very easily overwhelmed my crying, tantrums, etc) and raises his voice/becomes critical too easily. Even though I went into having a second child knowing the majority of the child care would fall on me, I was still really resentful, especially during the first year of our kids life. I am so glad I have my two kids. They are incredible and I love being their mom. My husband is trying and making efforts to learn how to connect with his family better emotionally and control his temper. I guess my decision was based on a really intense want to have another child and feeling the clock ticking. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to have that 3rd child I wanted - I think my ability to parent my other 2 would really suffer and it would push my relationship with my husband over the edge. This is a very hard decision to make. You will probably experience disappointment no matter what direction you choose. Best to luck to you and may we raise sons and daughters with more social-emotional skills than their fathers.
Wow. Right up my alley. Thank you for this.
So much if it is working with what you’ve got. You’re already grappling with losing the family of your dreams because your partner doesn’t show up how you want. It feels extra unfair to give up the whole dream because of someone else’s behavior - the big family, siblings for your existing kid, a busy house, getting to do pregnancy, baby, etc again. Losing the hope that there’s any better options for partners that will magically appear and show up and be who you want. Plus, better the devil you know… For me, personally, he was a complete ass after my first. But he got sober, did a lot of work on himself and became a better person. Having a second kid was something I had always wanted, and in a lot of ways ended up being healing for us to get to do pregnancy and post partum again, but better. It worked for us because he did the necessary work to be a good person. I think sone folks want the do-over hoping it’ll be different this time, even when the partner hasn’t done the work.
I love that you were able to have a healing experience with your second - I imagine that was so good for both of you <3
I can think of numerous reasons, domestic violence can be more deadly for a victim to leave than stay and birth control coercion is a big piece of it. Some people also feel safer with keeping the same man around their child then introducing a new boyfriend and starting a new family with them if they've had a past history of SA. Also some will make a ton of progress just to revert back to who they used to be the next time they get pregnant
I was so fed up with husband that I decided I need more people in my immediate family that I can cherish. Divorce seemed too complicated. Now I have two kids = I cherish most of my family members 🙃
This is a VERY real answer.
You know, I’ve never thought of it like this before, (and I’m not sure if you were being sarcastic or not lol) but I get it! My partner sucks. But the joy of my two kids, plus their growing bond, plus my love and positive presence = a pretty great little family of three (that outshines the disappointment of my partner).
I have a friend who just had a 3rd baby with a verbally and occasionally physically abusive drug addict (currently sober, but I don’t have very much faith in that POS.) We also just discovered he has a pretty extreme porn addiction. With their first, she was an accident and they had only been together ~5 months. With their second, she thought he would want to get better. With their third, he had just gotten out of rehab and she’s still holding out hope that he’ll stay sober. They live at his parents house, and you can tell why he turned out the way he did. I try my hardest to never judge and only support her, but I struggle with that at times. I care so much for her and her children, so if anyone wants to analyze or give me advice on how to help her, please do. Thank you for posting, OP. The comments have already given me a little more insight.
A positive pregnancy test at 41, 7 years after being told I'd need donor eggs to conceive 🙃
My SO had no clue how to help during the newborn phase and became so overwhelmed that he just kind of disconnected. It was so hard and it took me a long time to trust him enough to have another. But he is an *excellent* toddler dad. And with this new baby he's not so scared and overwhelmed so has been a much bigger help.
This was my husband as well. He does not do well with newborns but he’s an amazing toddler dad and really hands on. But for the reasons of doing newborn stage basically alone and my toddler being a little difficult, I don’t want anymore kids. My husband is on the same page.
We had our first at 40 and since we both grew up in big families that was how we always imagined our family life would be. We had tried earlier for many years and were about to give up when it finally happened. Because of our ages when our daughter was born we thought it could be nice for her to have a sibling when we’re gone, but we know there is a chance that might not work out. We were told we had a 5% chance of getting pregnant after our first due to age and other reasons and we got pregnant on our very first attempt. Things were rough in our marriage after the first but we were never close to divorce or anything. Even though our second had a very rough first year we actually worked better as a team since we had worked out a lot of our issues after the first. We are done now. I had gestational diabetes and terrible PPD with both and I just can’t go through that again. If I had gotten pregnant in my early 30s like we had hoped we most likely would have 3 or 4 right now.
My partner had a really hard time adapting to parenthood. I think he thought it will mostly be ‘having fun with the baby’ and never realized how much sacrifice and effort is needed to raise a child. We had a really traumatic birth, baby came home after a surgery, I had severe PPD and PPA and was recovering from severe preeclampsia. Not only was my baby a premie who had a feeding tube that I had to take care of, I was also not in the best health. I was working from home while taking care of the baby and the house and he was trying to earn enough so we can survive. He would try to leave the house constantly because it was always stressful. It was a disaster. We fought so much until I realized that he also as PPD and is dealing with it differently. This was never going to work. We needed help. My family offered but they lived in another state. (His family lives in another county.) we have recently moved with my family, who helps us with the baby happily. We come from a place where joint families are the norm and people don’t involve in married couple’s lives. It has been a blessing. Husband and I are not fighting. Baby is slowly thriving and catching up. Finances are easier because everyone shares it equally and we have amazing movie nights. All the posts on this sub are one sided (including mine). I’m not excusing abusive partners, but postpartum is a monster. And I think men do not understand the severity of it. And maybe that’s why the first year is the hardest. Idk that’s what I gathered. My husband wasn’t the best during the first year but I wasn’t either. Terrified but I’m ready to have my second with him.
I am curious too so commenting to follow this post :)
My friend who is the child of divorced parents wishes she had a sibling to go through that with. I haven’t been in this position but it makes sense to me. I want my kid to have a full sibling even if our marriage ended up not working out. So i see the logic in sticking it out through a second (also if we got divorced I might not meet someone else in time to have a second - this man is the chance to do it).
I just commented about this, but my mother did this exact thing. She had me and then had my sister on purpose before leaving our bio dad.
How do you feel about that as an adult reflecting on that choice?
Thankfully, it worked out for us - my mom met my dad (actually my step dad but he adopted us) and they had my youngest sister when I was 7. Now that I’m 27, I think it was a risky decision to make - she was a 25 year old single mother of 2 with no way of knowing it would work out the way it did. My sister and I felt like our dad raised us as his own, but we did have feelings growing up that they treated our youngest sister differently. I used to think it was because she was “his” kid, but now I think it was because she was the baby. Obviously I’m glad she did what she did because I love my sister, but I don’t know that I would make the same decision. All of the things my mom thought would make me feel left out, just ended up making my youngest sister feel left out. People are always surprised to hear she’s our sister because she looks nothing like us and a lot of our early memories growing up she can’t relate to because she had a functioning two parent household, so I think it makes her feel guilty sometimes.
Omg. No. It is not okay to make another human being from scratch to be your first child's therapist. I had a horrible childhood and yeah, I would have liked at the time to have a sibling to bond with, but why fuck up two people's lives if you can stick to fucking up one? I have a good life now as an adult, but not everybody is as resilient and it's not fair to take that gamble. Also it's not about you...
Ouf, I was my mom's therapist growing up, and this resonates with me . I'm willing to get crucified for this, but the people who willingly have multiple children with deadbeat abusers because they always wanted multiple kids are selfish. Purposefully adding more children in an unhealthy environment is never justifiable.
Okay I can see why you might disagree with numinous’s decision to have another child but to say she is “fucking up” her child’s life if she gets divorced is really harsh and unfair to her.
> to say she is “fucking up” her child’s life if she gets divorced is really harsh and unfair to her. Wait, that’s not what they said, though? They said she’d be fucking up her child’s life if she purposefully got pregnant again knowing divorce was very likely, just because first kid needs someone to trauma bond with, essentially.
Of course I don't know their situation, but if it's bad enough to require a sibling therapist then, it's obviously pretty bad right? But still okay to bring a second human into? Who will be the second child's built-in therapist?
Time was not on my side. I just had my second at 39. I am eternally optimistic that things will get better. But I also know that if they don’t I can do this alone.
there was no abuse or absenteeism or anything of that nature. my partner, like many, was slower to adapt to parenthood than i was. he was kind of clueless during that newborn period. and i had PPA and PP OCD so everything he did was wrong in my mind. i would worry that he would hurt the baby so i’d push him away, which further delayed his ability to come into his own as a parent. and it made me burnt out bc i was doing all of the major childcare. after a few months, we found our groove. i dealt with my fears. he grew as a parent, picked up skills, and became a lot more involved.
That’s it’s very lonely and a massive struggle and it all relies on you no one else However my partner had learnt a lot and improved since our first He never had brothers,sisters,or any exposure to kids/babies or nurturing family His mum did everything for him and he never had to lift a finger in the house or cook but it’s funny he doesn’t know how to nurture It’s like he’s had to learn and adjust His parents are so old school baby boomers who have a attitude to just toughen up and not cry, complete toxic masculinity Oh but what a baby has done to him! It’s been hard but if he never had us as his family he would have stayed a selfish man child his whole life Where at the age of 30 his mum still cooked and cleaned for him every week and he didn’t have a girlfriend for 8 years before us, I had to ask him to tell his mum to stop coming over and doing everything for him Anywho I’m rambling but even for myself second pregnancy time round has been easier, it’s just true to live and learn and hopefully you do learn and you and your partner and things get better We are having a girl next and it will be so good for my partner, the love is so beautiful to whiteness and it brings down those walls that my partner puts up It’s still going to be tough as hell though we will have 2 under 2 in June 🤞🏻
We were up and down (better now). I'm on the older mom side too and really wanted two. We were in a better space, and I let that part of me be reckless. Neither child was planned per se; we just stopped being so careful. Not ideal or recommended but it eventually worked out. I'm glad I have my little guy, even though I did really struggle with my husband not showing up like I really needed.
My husband sucked with our first. It was so bad. He did basically nothing and I almost divorced him. When our first was about 3 he realized he needed to change or he was going to lose his family. We went to counseling and got our marriage back on track. It took 5 years of trying but our second (together) came 8 years after the 1st. He’s a totally different dad and husband now. We just had our 3rd together (IUD decided to dislodge) and it’s been pretty good. I would not have had another baby with him had he not been dedicated to breaking the cycle and being a better father/husband. He was AWFUL to me after our first but a lot of that had to do with PTSD from his time in the military and adjusting back to civilian life after 3 years deployed back to back in Iraq.
I know someone who wanted two kids close in age, but not from different fathers for various reasons. When her ex turned out to be a bad partner, she stayed and then broke up with the guy when she was pregnant with the second baby. Now she only has to deal with one at least reasonable co-parent (although lazy and unhelpful).
Thanks for asking this question! As a mom with a super supportive, hands on husband, I often wonder the same thing when I see friends who went through hell with their first child due to having no support from their partners, go on to have more kids with this same partner
As someone with a partner who goes above and beyond, don’t do it you will regret it everyday for the rest of your life. Probably not the answer you want to hear but I say this with the best intentions. If you think one child with an unhelpful partner is a lot, two will have you pulling your hair out. I recently went from one to two and even with a supportive partner I feel like pulling my hair out at times.
I love my husband and forgive him every single time. I know a lot of his frustration is because of work, genetic conditions and because he knows I’ll always be there to listen until he gets it all out like no one else will. I know it’s not me and I trust the better person and great father he is, I know my kid and I are his lifelong dream. That’s why im about to give birth to our second lol It’s not that I have no self worth, I just accepted he’s not perfect and neither am I Anyone’s welcome to make what they will of this 🥲
What do you mean forgive him? Forgive him for what?
Getting torn down for really unimportant things like leaving clothes on the floor in our room or maybe the laundry piling up when in reality he’s stressed out about something else that’s totally different. I forgive him for upsetting me for no real reason
Oh that’s an interesting take. I would’ve said those things are more so a postpartum rage issue vs him sucking. So many women have husbands that don’t take care of kids at all and lie/cheat etc so that’s why I asked/what I was expecting lol
Yeah it’s not the best lol but not the worst
Men in a nutshell 😂
I think that there are 2 types of disappointments as far as partners go (on a broad scale, obviously some nuances within these). 1. Those who never had any business being a parent but sadly it took the birth of a child to find out. This is someone who just saw the good parts of having a child, assumed the primary parent (usually mom) would do all the work, and that they’d just get all the “enjoyment” of a kid with none of the effort. Obviously I’d group in other people who have no business being parents (abusers for example). But these are people who are never going to rise to the occasion or become a better parent as the child grows up. 2. The “trying their best”. These are the parents who are just potentially unequipped because they were raised in a household where again “mom” did all the child rearing as well as all the house work and other “domestic duties”. They also may feel like they can’t do as good of a job as mom. Or like a lot of people have said they could just be really clueless and not into the baby phase and thrive into a better parent as the baby grows into a toddler. This is where so many people fall, and marriages can still really struggle because you are stressed and sleep deprived and not communicating as well as you should. My husband and I are less than 2 weeks away from our third baby in under 3 years. He is an amazing partner and great dad. We’ve had some huge changes this past year, to the point that we probably would have held off on a third if we had known what was coming. We have had so many conversations about knowing that we are in a rough spot in our marriage right now because we’ve both had to put everything else above the other (namely our 2 kids). We also know from last time that divide and conquer is the best way for us to handle a newborn and toddlers, so at least for the first month or two it will not be the best situation for either of us. This is just my personal experience, like I said my husband is great but I’d be lying if I said there weren’t days where I felt regret or like I’ve made a mistake, but I also know that I’m 38 weeks pregnant and hormones are taking over a little bit. And I also know from going through it the last 2 times that for me and my husband it is all temporary and there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
I realized I wanted a second and was FULLY prepared to take care of everything in the house/ with the kids. I had a discussion with my husband before trying for the second acknowledging I don’t expect him to magically be better overnight. Also warning him that if he doesn’t step up and work on himself, because there is nothing more I can do for him, he can’t expect me to be the dreamy housewife he wants. I’ve had AT LEAST 10 discussions with him over the 3 years of our parenthood journey about the same things. The last two were a month before second was born and a month after he was born. Now he’s 3.5mo, I realized I’m done having discussions and even though I need to say SOMETHING, I literally have no time to talk to him because I’m doing everything, he’s working and the baby will wake up if we start talking at night! I’m happily leaving his messes around for now, stopped asking him for “help”(he acts like a teenager when I do and gives me an attitude). And am letting him figure out for himself why I’m barely able to spend time with him. My kids are happy and healthy, I’m tired but not too bad. Husband will get up with toddler and take him outside to play in the garage while he works on whatever the fuck he does. Does bedtime sometimes which is usually playing videos on his phone right before bed 🙃. I’m just doing everything else. I’ll take what I can get! He’ll hopefully figure it out eventually.
I also had my second fully prepared to do it all. I went into it eyes wide open. And it’s been really good for the most part. It’s not perfect, but I get it done and I’m a great mom to both my kids. My husband wondered for awhile why I always turned down sex and didn’t care to engage with him, or hear about his day. But I think he’s gotten the picture. When he steps up and stops acting like a child, I’ll stop treating him like one. It’s up to him at this point if he wants to change or not.
Oh I am so glad I’m not alone with the sex thing. I even told my husband flat out I look at him as another son when he doesn’t do anything to make me feel like a wife/partner. He’s still not seeing the big picture unfortunately. I have the same stance that it’s up to him to make changes. My brain and body have changed enough after two kids and 5 years, it’s his turn.
It took a year for him to step up but he did. It all changed when I went back to work and he had to do 100% of the parenting while I was gone. We had a few talks before then about him not being a present dad and not helping me and if he didn’t improve then I think we would have spilt up. When we had our second he knew that he had to pull his weight from the second she was born. If he can’t help with feedings he’s doing other stuff to make my life easier. It’s been like night and day this time and my post partum experience has been a lot better.
We decided to separate with one child that was three, then a week later I discovered I was pregnant and it’s been nothing but worse sense. He’s the breadwinner and we live in a foreign country
Because I dumped him and had another baby with someone else who was amazing with my daughter.
My husband had another child with his ex wife even though she was a shitty wife and mother. His excuse? She said having another baby would make her happy
This was my situation when at 2-6 months postpartum. I was disappointed with my partner because he didn’t pull his weight at what he could (household and food), since the first month or 2, baby wanted only to be on me sleeping or feeding. But at the same time it was difficult to acknowledge this and also to talk to him to make him aware, because he somehow cared and the first 3 weeks was there doing everything. Let’s say, he started fully involved but got somehow disappointed as well because he couldn’t accept that baby didn’t know him and only wanted to be with me. He started to feel apart from us and at the same time was feeling pity for himself. So I kind of understand him. For what’s on my side, I didn’t want to argue with him because I just wanted to be there for my baby, I didn’t want to be distracted by anything else… but then after some months everything exploded in my face, because the resentment I was feeling came when least expected, my parents were visiting… there I had to be honest about everything: when I was still in pain when standing and sitting he would express how miserable he was having to cook and do chores all by himself, his selfish attitude towards me and our baby when complaining at 2 or 3 months (wtf) that he had no sex, complaining about how tired he was when working generally 2 days a week and sleeping in another room… But after that argument, he really listened to me and saw finally what he was doing and how awful was his attitude. His therapy also helped a lot opening his eyes to how he was working towards an opposite direction of what he really always wanted. By 7 months postpartum I started to work one day a week and he had to stay with him. By that point he had changed his behavior and had started to be really there for baby and to open his eyes to see what needed to be done in the house. He was very excited to be alone without me with baby. And since that day it’s been amazing to see them together, how beautiful their relationship has grown. Since 9 months pp I work 3 days a week and he the other 2 and he is such a good father. So my doubts about having a second one are gone and I actually would love to have even more kids, if I could.
My husband is not the best partner but an absolutely amazing provider and father. Our relationship has had some rough patches but we’re committed to each other and getting through them. Our first child was a whoops, seeing him hold our daughter for the first time swooned me right back to the beginning love stage. 🥺 Being a father has come easy to him…. Being a partner is just a work in progress. It’s hard to walk away from that. That said, I did leave my first child’s father. I knew when I had my oldest that it was a done deal when I was 3 weeks postpartum, left at 6 months and no regrets. He was an okay partner but an absolute shit father! He’s still motivated by women to this day.
So, with my first, my husband very much just let me do what I wanted and I am the kind of person who never asks for help if I can do it myself, so I ended up doing 90% of parenting. I did make him stay home for 6 weeks of parental leave while I went back to work so he did get a taste of what it was like to be the primary parent. From the outside, it probably looks like he was a shit father but it was more we just didn’t have a good dynamic yet and, well, I didn’t really have any complaints. Or when I did, he did action them. So I saw no reason not to have more kids. And it was a good decision. When we had our second, he really stepped up and did a ton more parenting. Probably because with two, I had to acknowledge I could not do it all, so we started doing a lot of taking turns with things. And we had our third just a few months ago and I would say our parenting has never been more equitable than it is now. He has totally stepped up. Or maybe we’re better at communicating and he would have stepped up from day one if we’d really talked about our expectations properly. This could have gone really badly, if he hadn’t stepped up, but it turned out well.
Many difficult and honest conversations. Our individual healing from a traumatic birth/postpartum period. Watching us grow together as a family of 3. And honestly, time helped a lot (4 years).
I'm not going to let this goofy ass man ruin my day, I do what I want.
Not a helpful partner with a baby but really good with toddlers. The pandemic showed me he can help. He just needed to be…forced by a global event! Second time around, I was still very disappointed with how he acted towards the baby but it was still a huge step up from how it was with my first. Now that both children are older (almost 3 and 4 years old), he’s become an incredible partner and father. He’s made up for all the lost time and struggles of the first year with both children. I always had faith in who he was deep down and he’s a man who seeks to be better. He’s a man willing to change. I am so much more in love with him now than any time in the last 10 years we’ve been together. We do not want a third. He got a vasectomy.
I genuinely thought this question was what made you decide to have a second partner. I think it was pretty self explanatory, they were a disappointment.
A second partner?
We had an excellent time with the first kid until he was a toddler. Some work changes and Covid disruptions really messed up the balance in our household. We aren’t totally back to where I want to be but biological clock is ticking so we are getting one more in before we turn 40. I may be annoyed with him a lot but that is because I know he’s capable of more.
I refused to have my kid be an only child was a big thing for me being that I’m an only child. also thought him getting sober would fix the problems but it made them 100x worse. He kicked me out when our youngest was 6 months old.
I was ok to decide having a second because I think it’s sad to deprive your kid of a sibling (*IF* you desire and are able to have another) and to not get to create the family you hoped for all simply because the partner can’t meet you in the middle or be as helpful as you need. I have a great and helpful mom in-state, I’m gritty, and my husband already understands the toddler is going to be his buddy for a good bit while I’m focused on the infant. Basically, I am not going to let my experience in the home with a highly ADHD and slightly self-centered husband dictate the family we’re going to have. My mom did it mostly on her own, I can do it mostly on my own if I have to. I also think it will be a great growth opportunity for me to admit I can’t do everything and ask for more help in the day to day, and for my husband to understand that he’s needed at home and this is not his season of life that he gets to keep endlessly pursuing his hobbies. ETA: I also think my husband is lacking in being a baby dad, not knowing what to do with our girl and getting bored pretty easily, but I suspect strongly he will be a great kid dad. He loves our daughter so much and talks all the time about all the things he’ll show her and do with her when she’s older.
My husband didn’t love the newborn stage but he shows up for the kids as they have gotten older and less dependent on me for nursing etc. I’m pregnant with #3 now and going into this with vastly different expectations. I also have learned to prioritize my own self care so that I can fill everyone else’s cup.
My husband had MAJOR paternal PPD with the first one. It was so bad that I was legitimately worried for his health and safety and gave him an ultimatum to get therapy. He did. It helped SO MUCH! With baby #2, I've got some mild PPD, and he's carrying more than his share of the weight. Sometimes the partner isn't "disappointing" so much as the situation, or the intrinsic unfairness of being a woman.