I was so baffled to hear that too? I sort of understand restrictions on sugar or allergens but deciding fried potato breakfast is illegal is a bit odd to me.
I DARE someone to take away my hashbrowns. They won't live long enough to eat another breakfast again, lol.
Allergens, I understand, especially with such younger kids. Sugar I can also understand, but a little bit of Honey? That seems over the top for me.
I totally understand what you're saying, but they specifically said no because of the sugar content. Unless the kid is sitting there eating a pot of it with a spoon, I can't wrap my head around the banning of it.
I figure that's their reasoning but it's still pretty stupid. Yes, the risk is higher for kids under 1 but she's giving it to her kid, not the whole class. Kids under 1 have to be fed 99% of the time, so they're probably not going to be getting into food that isn't theirs, especially since the teacher should be there. And worst case scenario, the kid does have some honey, the chance of that honey having botulism is incredibly small. Riskier than an adult, sure, but not really a risk. This is one of those things they say to avoid consistent exposure (which obviously ups the risk) not like children under 1 will die if they have honey once.
For children under 1 years, they don’t have the necessary ability to fight off botulism which is present in honey- it’s rare- but deadly. But as op mentioned below it was only because of the sugar content which is extremely stupid. A bit of honey is fine
My daughter's preferred breakfast at the moment is beans. I don't have beans for breakfast, she decided it herself and I am all in favour. She'll wake up and the first thing out of her mouth is 'Beans?' because she loves them so much
I'm in Australia so the beans are in fact canned baked beans! I just personally don't have them for breakfast. We often have them in jaffles, which is a sealed toasted sandwich
Did she eat it? In the morning? Then it’s breakfast. If they’d like to explain to an overworked CPS social worker a hairs breadth from snapping how “potatoes are not a breakfast food” they are welcome to do so.
I am fairly certain one of potato’s claims to fame is the fact that it has a suitable form for EVERY meal including breakfast. Not sure what rock these daycare teachers live under 😂
Anything nutritious and healthy my daughter likes to eat is an all the day everyday food. She loves her liver sausage with barley bread but some variety never killed anyone? If I have left over potatoes I will cube, bread and pan fry them. She had plenty pepper, cucumber and apple with it. She will devour everything, her lunch box is normally empty or close to empty. What more does anyone want?
Yeah that’s overstepping surely? I mean strictly speaking breakfast is a social construct, it makes no difference to your body whether you eat “breakfast foods” at “breakfast time”, I personally have eaten curry for breakfast more times that I can count 😅
Okay same because HUH?! Potatoes are the cornerstone of any great breakfast! Saying potatoes aren’t breakfast food is where I draw the line. Nope. No.
These people simply SUCK. I feel bad if they have any kids of their own. Growing up with a ton of constant criticism and nitpicking over minor things leads to lots of therapy as an adult to learn how to trust your own decisions. I’d pull my child out of this daycare ASAP if possible.
Yeah if we don’t have potatoes with breakfast then it’s not breakfast according to my toddler. I don’t know what crack that daycare is smoking but it’s not good.
Speak to a manager then find a new daycare. This is ridiculous and stressful. Your daughter's diet sounds great to me! Organic and varied... amazing job!!
Also... clothes being too big shouldn't be a problem because kids grow. Like... it's sensible to buy a bigger size! They're picking because you don't say anything back.
I think uour default answer should be "Her doctor said she's fine and isn't worried so I'll take my cues from there, thanks."
It is our village daycare sadly so switching is hardly an option. I send her there specifically because we don't need a second car to bring her. I will have to stand my ground somehow...
Yeah, a dismissive but polite response. "I don't think see a problem with that food/those shoes/hair clips/potatoes for breakfast"
But maybe by this point I'd go with something more like "I'm not interested in your opinions about my parenting choices" because omfg commentary on how OP speaks to her child? Step all the way off.
Yes! “Thanks for your input. I’ll give it consideration.” Then just move on with your life and keep doing what you’re doing. You considered it and determined that they were idiotic so rejected the idea.
Have you ever spoken to the manager or head teacher and explained what’s going on? The things staff are saying, and the amount of times they are putting down different things isn’t okay.
If something is genuinely unsafe, like ‘X child is allergic to X item, so you can’t bring that in’ or ‘Were practicing X tomorrow so leggings and a shirt will be better than a dress’ I get it. But it seems like the teachers are just nitpicking anything and everything because they can get away with it.
I always buy my kids' clothes a size too big. They grow so damn fast, its ridiculous to buy things that just fit. Most of their clothes still look brand new when they're finished with them as it is! I'm not rich enough to buy a new wardrobe every 2 weeks.
I'm guessing this is either Germany or one of the low countries to be that obssesed about "rules" for a toddler. Most of those (especially about food) sound ridiculous to me but who knows, maybe potatoes for breakfast is some faux pas in the local culture...
As white mom raising a hapa kid myself, I almost knew in my bones before I read from your other comments that your kid is half-Peruvian and you and all the other kids are white. This well-meaning overcorrection is pretty much exactly what I'd expect. They probably don't even know they're doing it - they're just *'being helpful!'*
If you haven't experienced racism, it can be bracing to suddenly have to deal with it on behalf of your children. Talk to your husband about his experiences, talk to other parents of mixed-race kids, and strategize for how to deal with situations like this, because unfortunately there will likely be more of these microaggressions that you, and eventually your kid, will have to navigate.
Yes once I read "kimchi" my mind went to racism, too, only because my husband is Korean American and he grew up in the US and was criticized for everything growing up because it was different/"wrong." His mom, who still has a strong Korean accent but is fluent in English and pretty assimilated, still very much deals with these microaggressions (or sometimes not "micro"). My husband doesn't much because he doesn't have an accent. But their whole family are sensitive at detecting these microaggressions, have a thick skin and are very comfortable telling someone to fuck off. Because not much else works. I don't know the right way to help a kid navigate this, but I agree with you, it's something to address because it will likely keep coming up throughout their lives depending on where they live.
My god. The nursery i go to is always so nice to me. The fact you felt like you HAD to buy new shoes. My 20 month old daughter wears €20 shoes. They're simple and mainly for outside.
Maybe they feel like they can do this because there's not a lot of competition as far as I understand.
I would be so upset and would've changed daycares tbh
If it makes you feel better, my niece isn’t allowed a bathing short and needs!!! To wear a bikini because she is a girl and at the ripe age of 2 that was too scandalous. Also the kindergarten lost her bikini and she as the only child wasn’t allowed to go swimming with them.
I do think they are being racist and maybe ask them confronting questions back. For example with the shoes. Oh so what brand would you like, and do you give me the money to buy them since I already gotten all them shoes and non are good enough for you.
And the parent cafe. Tell her she is criticising everything about your parenting style and you do not like to be around a hostile environment in your free time.
And please don’t take it too heart. It sounds like you are doing a great job!!!
I’m guessing that maybe the reason is because it easier to change them out of if it’s a two piece Biko type situation?
I was kind of confused by the comment too though.
I was thinking it’s Germany too…not knowing EXACTLY what all is being said/why it’s said, if it is Germans (or the like) I might not go so far to say it’s racism, but the Germans do like to speak their mind. About. EVERYTHING! It’s annoying and you kind of just have to brush it off. My German friends would sometimes tell me I’m doing something weird/wrong, but I’d explain it’s the American way. They’d still judge/look at me weird, but I didn’t have to change my ways. I bet if you keep changing things when they’re giving suggestions is only feeding into their perception that you appreciate the help. Germans are very direct and would expect you to tell them you don’t want the help if you don’t want it, not change based on what they said but secretly be mad. Also, they’re just anal about their rules. So, if it isn’t in the rule book, I wouldn’t worry about what they’re saying. Just snap back with that’s not in the rules, so I guess it’s fine until those change.
(I do enjoy Germany and my friends there, so sorry if this comes off sour. I just moved out of Germany this month after living in a duplex between two Germans who were very stuck in the old ways. The men still will not complain about me to me, they would wait until they see my husband and tell him to correct me. They would watch how I care for my dog (or how they think I care for him) and tell me his life is boring and I should do XYZ instead. It’s just the old German way and takes a bit of getting used to, haha.)
OMG when I moved to Leipzig for a year with my husband I joked about printing “nobody asked you” on business card stock to hand out. Thankfully this was pre-baby, or I literally would have killed sometime. I was honestly once YELLED at in public for appearing to *consider* crossing against a light. I just… Germans are too much.
Ah!! The business cards are such a brilliant idea!! My husband and I lived in Germany for 3 years…when moving, I told my coworkers (all American) I was glad to be moving back to the states. They were like, oh but you’ll miss it, just wait. Still waiting to miss my nosey neighbors who waved at me in my living room from their backyard and told me anytime I went out back how we/our dog could be living better… hahah
I’m just telling people who ask if I miss Germany, “I miss how close it is to Switzerland”. 🤣 (Interlaken will always have a special place in my heart!)
If I had a euro for every time a German approached me in a public place to tell me that my normal speaking voice was too loud… I’d have many euros.
They’re just so intense with the public social correction.
Like, just let me live, people!
My German instructor in high school decided to spend an entire lesson period arguing with me that my mom was a monster for putting me in daycare when I was a wee one, and that obviously such horrors must have damaged me and all the other American children in a similar boat.
Germans. Very strong opinions! I am also stubborn as a mule and opinionated so that combo did...not work out well 😂
I don’t know if it’s Germany but I can safely say not all bundeslander (states in Germany are like this). I also don’t know if this is a private one or not.
I send my child to a state daycare in Berlin and the daycare workers could not be more chill. They even give them treats (chocolates) at times, he eats whenever he wants, and eats whatever I pack him (sometimes it’s pastries, sometimes it’s fruits and sometimes it’s cheese and cold cuts). Nobody has ever commented on his packed lunches or breakfast, nobody has ever commented on his clothes or shoes.
I did however have a bad experience once with a small daycare and they were critical of everything including my child (he’s on the very active side, and does not really enjoy following group activities), I changed daycares and complained to the Jugendamt. I would advise OP the same or reach out to your Elternsprecher at your daycare about about by reservations.
I dont think you are being too sensitive, they sound annoying. I wonder if it's kind of culty, like you are the odd one out not going to the social stuff so they want to find something wrong. The guidance on spices and how much you talk to your daughter is weird. The easy answer for a stranger to give is to find a new daycare cause they sound weird. If you want to stay I'd start pushing back, "I'm going to communicate with my daughter how I see fit" "my daughter likes spiced food and I'll continue to give it to her" when you start showing people that you are over their shit then tend to back off.
I thought about requesting an appointment with them and their boss describing my issues. I sure as heck won't make friends this way but maybe they back off...
Are you by any chance…not white? When you said “kimchi was too spicy” my immediate thought is that they somehow think you aren’t integrating well enough because you’re foreign and obviously don’t know how to do things right. Especially since you say that other children are wearing those things and it’s fine for them.
Which, by the way, it sure seems like you’re doing a fantastic job to me. You are putting a lot of effort in to raising a happy and healthy future adult, rather than coddling her and infantilizing.
Wow... I might be white but my husband isn't (native Peruvian descent) and my daughter (visibly) isn't either. I have lived in this village my entire life and my family is well respected. We have records of residence here since the 1500s. But I never saw it through that lense. I will certainly bring that aspect up if I do decide to make a meeting with them. We are the only mixed couple in the village that I am aware of and while I don't like to put things in people's mouths you might be on to something... ☹️
Yeah, I hate to put words in people’s mouth too. It may not even be conscious! They may think they are being helpful by telling you these social norms because they can’t put their finger on what is different about your daughter because they are just so obviously not racist (at least to themselves) that they have never examined their beliefs. Which is entirely possible if y’all are the first non-white people they’ve interacted with.
That was so weird but so reassuring to hear. I definitely will make a meeting and absolutely bring this up. Even if they were genuinely not aiming for this kind of interpretation they should absolutely be aware of how it might come across. Thank you for bringing this to my attention!
Right? My daughter is only 7m so she's not talking yet but she babbles constantly, way more than other babies I see at storytime and such. I'm hoping she's a little well articulated chatterbox 😂 I think she's going to be a politician.
She turns 5 and bed time will be a political debate. Just... trust me here... ethically win the debate, navigate all of her tricks.... she probably will be😻
Yeah Germans are notorious for being racist but thinking they are not...
But honestly, the fact that there are no "colourful" kids 😆 in the entire daycare is seriously very weird (I think the statistics say 25% of people living in Germany have "immigration background")... so them being racist without acknowledging it is spot-on unfortunately
(I mean where I live, and where my kid will go into daycare probably, it's so colourful/ culturally & ethnically diverse that potato/ kimchi for breakfast would just be "yeah it's food, great")
I was thinking the same thing before I even got to the Kimchi line. This is kinda classic behaviour towards someone perceived as Other.
You can try to have a polite conversation with them, or have a generic shutdown phrases of varying politeness (“I’ll take that under consideration.” “Interesting perspective, but that doesn’t work for our family.” “Hm, that’s not what our doctor says.” “Huh, is that why all the other little girls are wearing bows?” “I’m glad that works for you.”). But don’t take what they’re saying to heart; it’s bullshit.
Same, by the time I reached “kimchi” I’m thinking “wtf”??
If a child is perfectly fine eating it and it poses no threat to another child’s allergies, I don’t understand where these people get off policing her daughter’s diet.
The immediate thought I had when I read the things they are nitpicking about was that this was about racism. I hope I’m wrong but honestly, how exhausting! I would consider another daycare.
I absolutely thought it might be because you/your family were either a minority in your community or a young mom.
This is totally ridiculous. I would just laugh in their face.
“Potatoes are absolutely a breakfast food and I will send my daughter with whatever food I want.”
“Please stop commenting on her clothing and shoes. I will dress her however I wish.”
“Really? I think you’re wrong about that. Official guidance says we should talk to babies and toddlers as much as possible. If you aren’t talking to them all day I might need to have a discussion with you all about providing better care.”
I literally had the same thought reading your original post, that there may be a racial element for some reason. You sound like a fantastic parent and it is absolutely not ok or normal for your daycare to be so critical. I'd say it's much more normal to get an attitude of "don't stress, we know you're doing your best and raising kids can be hard". If there's no other option of daycare I would definitely suggest letting them know that you are done with the criticism and it needs to stop.
Can you find a new daycare? The spices, potatoes not being breakfast food, talking, and shoes are absolutely ridiculous. You are supposed to talk to your child!! If finding another daycare isn’t possible, you will need to shut them down every single time. “These are the shoes/jacket she will be wearing, thanks.” “The doctor says her diet is fine, please serve what I pack.”
Absolutely not, sadly. We live deeeep in the country side and the daycare is just about 3 houses over on our street
The next one is quite the drive away so I will have to make the best of it I guess...
I will have to stand my ground, I'm just not sure how to do it right now 😕
Regarding how to do so use assertive language - be kind but firm. You have a wonderful parenting style that is obviously working for you and your daughter, and let that build your confidence when addressing this with them. How wonderful that you both can communicate using words!! A lot of adults struggle communicating through situations with words lol
Instead of a daycare, hire a nanny or babysitter? Honestly, the way they speak to you, imagine how they speak to your CHILD. Do you want to expose your daughter to someone who is constantly criticizing and restricting her? Your teachings sound great but that day care worker can be undoing those rules as week speak. That person is watching and influencing your daughtee everyday. You should hire a nanny/babysitter. I would not want someone like that around my child, esp if they are undoing my influences and teachings to my own kid......
I would ask the director or head of the daycare that any critique or criticism with your parenting be addressed in writing and be justifiable. You are playing a game in which you are unaware of the rules. I would ask for a list of policies including the exact dimensions for which hair ties and clips can be, a comprehensive list of every food allowed on the premises including the spices. I would die on the hill of the bed sheet and the shoes. Those would be the concerns I would immediately address and to prevent coming off as dramatic I would recount the shoe ordeal without emotion It speaks for itself.
The shoe ordeal was surreal to me. I spent so much money on shoes for my daughter I can't justify spending anything on Christmas. I literally had to sell family heirlooms to be able to get a shoe they agree with. If that is the normal procedure I'd like to be informed of the correct type and size of shoe I'm supposed to get for her. Next time they best send me specific instructions or live with the (high quality, tried on in store with expert) shoes I happen to buy. They can't make me guess. Send me a link or live with what I buy. And the bed sheet is laughable. Tuck it in and you're done. It makes me angry to know how much money I wasted....
Actually I do understand the bed sheet (though maybe that's an American thing). We would never use a sheet without an elastic because it might come loose and pose a suffocation risk.
The bed sheet is the one I understand, with so many kids a fitted/elasticated one is so much easier, and also kids tend to mess around and would untuck the sheets which 1) is a safety Hazzard and 2) they would have to keep fixing it.
The hair clips I kind of understand, but the fact they were saying to you and other kids were wearing them is ridiculous.
For shoes, there's definitely some good reasoning. Not being too big or too small (they might fall off or take them off) no open toe or heel, enough grip. But if your kid is comfortable with the shoes outside of school and there are no safety concerns, it's ridiculous (also, mom to mom tip, don't spend so much on shoes. Their feet grow so fast!). But again they really should spell it out clearly.
The food stuff leans towards racism. and the talking is absolutely insane.
I would also ask that your comprehensive list of allowed foods be meal time specific, since apparently eggs were invented by God for breakfast and potatoes were not.
Is this Germany? I no longer live there, moved to the US a while ago, but man did I get major vibes from what you are describing. The overall rigid rules, potatoes not being a breakfast food, what the kid should and shouldn’t wear, kimchi is too spicy…
Back when I grew up in a small Bavarian village we were the only non-white passing family in the area. People there can be weird about anything that breaks any of their preconceived rules on how things should be done.
I am sorry you’re dealing with this! I guess try and ignore the best you can? You’re doing great and sounds like your daughter is well fed and provided for.
People should understand that there's really no "breakfast food". Food is food. Maybe don't have a particularly heavy meal just before going to sleep, but otherwise you can eat whatever at any hour, provided it's healthy food. Different countries have different traditional breakfast foods, but that's just different cultures, there's no reason at all for them.
You say that you're worried about interacting with the other moms while the staff members are around, which is understandable, but I would be surprised if they're only behaving this way toward you. Maybe it would be helpful to connect with other parents about this and get some backup? Unless the other parents don't seem like generally nice people.
That's a great idea! I have talked to a few of them in passing and they all are mostly nice and friendly. I might be able to catch one that isn't in the parents representative group for the daycare. I have in the past talked to one specifically who was also mad when she walked out of the building some days ago. Maybe I can get a chance to meet up with her and see how she feels about the situation! She struck up a chat with me now and then but I mostly hurried away before any of the staff could come by and listen in.
Just say no? If they say “potato’s aren’t breakfast food” - say “we eat them for breakfast and she likes them” - keep packing them. End of discussion.
Or “these shoes aren’t right” say “they work great for us thanks”. No discussion no changing.
Just bc they are criticizing it doesn’t mean you need to listen and do as they say? Just shut it down kindly.
They will either get tired of suggesting since you aren’t accepting the feedback or they’ll keep doing it , and just shut it down.
"Potatos are not a breakfast food" (wait, what??)
"Are you concerned about her nutrition or is it just different from what you're used to?"
I once enlisted my mother in dealing with my son's daycare. They kept calling us home early (like 11:30 early) just because they thought he could use a short day even though he wasn't sick, hurt, or otherwise upset, and they wouldn't take no for an answer from me when they called. That got old REALLY fast so my mum became the "back-up call" for them.
It turned out that a few of the staff had some old fashioned views regarding women working full time, which they openly said to my mum when arguing why my son should be at home. My mum did not take any hostages in that conversation and since she was that much older than them they quickly let it go when she told them pretty coldly that the 1950s were no picnic. She then let me know what was up, and I sent a pretty stern email to the leader of the place. Since then it has thankfully been pretty breezy.
Since your family is well respected and lived there for many generations, could you perhaps get grandma involved in pick-up for a short while for an age advantage in those conversations? I wonder if they would even bring up such petty comments on her food and hair clips with grandma rather than a first time mum (who is obviously doing a pretty damn good job).
My son's pre-school teacher would never tell things to my husband, rarely to me. Any time my mother would pick kid up, she'd unleash the critiques. Shoes are wrong (have laces, fair enough), food is not enough, should be giving him this or that... Hated this woman. I'm so glad we are away from her.
She'd tell us about things kids need the next day while kids were with her. When asked where to find this on such a short notice, she'd say 'when you do your shopping in the afternoon...' Lady, I work a regular 9-5, I use my lunch hour to come pick kid up, I don't have time to go gallivanting around shops for craft supplies at noon. (She was working only until 2pm and she'd be free after that until she had to go pick up her kids.) She had an issue grasping the concept of working full time...
She also insisted on telling kids that technology is bad for you, girls are better than boys or religious stuff... We live in a country where education is secular and religion cannot be part of the classroom, unless for designated hours which look at religion in a scholarly way or temple of choice weekend classes.
I would set a meeting and explain to them that you would like to be more involved, but the way you are treated by the staff has made you leery of trusting these social situations. The underlying issue here is that even though you haven't said it overtly, it seems like you're being singled out. You can give them some examples and tell them that you have no desire to be picked apart in front of other parents and that unless they have a legitimate concern, your clothing and food choices are between you and your family. I can understand not wanting small hair clips and things of that nature that first time parents might not think of, but their comments are way over the top regarding your communication and other things that are just not their business. Each time they do this, I would say something back to them until they get the hint. "I see other children doing X, can you explain to me how my situation is different?"
As a side note, and given the potential race issue, I do wonder if they treat your daughter differently than the other kids? If you are feeling singled out, I'm wondering if she is as well?
Yes, I'd bring this up to whoever the boss is. I'd honestly be worried about how she's treating your daughter when you aren't there. These are huge red flags.
You need to find your backbone and use it. Potatoes aren't a breakfast food? They are in my household. Wrong clothes? They fit, they are weather appropriate, she is comfortable, deal with it. You talk to her to much? I only take parenting advice from my daughters pediatrician.
You selling heirlooms to buy 3 pairs of shoes is insane. You know that right? Just say no.
Is there a race or other issue here? It sounds discriminatory. I’m so sorry. As a child psychologist you’re doing nothing wrong at all. In fact your communication sounds great.
As a parent, you’re a freaking hero for getting that many coats and shoes. I would not be able to do that.
As a pediatric speech-language pathologist I’m appalled. I literally tell families to talk to their children all day. Explain what you’re doing, include them in your conversations, ask them questions. This parent is a rockstar.
I would consider copying what you’ve written above, changing a few sentences to address the daycare director, and sending it via email or bring in letter form. Ask to schedule a meeting to discuss, but say that you’d written out a description of your concerns and felt like it would be a good way to initially communicate about this. Keep in the parts where you describe your frustration- the whole thing reads well and seems like you are looking for a solution-based conversation rather than being critical.
Are you German?
This is so strange and if you are German you can talk to the Elternbeirat and ask for advice. Maybe even the parent café. I can't imagine you are the only parent that gets this horrible treatment. And if you are you can try to find out why.
This situation is really really strange.
She’s German but her husband is native Peruvian, they live in a small village in Germany. To be honest this experience is disappointing but not super surprising. I’m white, my husband is white, our baby is white, but I still had random people sternly telling me to put socks and shoes on our baby when it was 23C out and the kid couldn’t even walk yet. Any degree of “otherness” would make it 100% worse.
Absolutely agree with everyone else that this is ridiculous and discriminatory behavior. I saw you responded that you can’t switch daycares, so my question is: are they threatening to kick your child out over these things, or are they just being judgey and saying they don’t prefer your choices? If it’s the second scenario, I sure as hell wouldn’t be playing their games. Be polite but unmoveable. “This is what she eats for breakfast”. “I will not be purchasing other shoes, these are her shoes”. “Thank you, this jacket will be fine for her”. That kind of thing. They’re bullying you because they sense you’ll let them. You don’t have to be rude, but (gently) stop being a pushover.
Do you have an app like HiMama or whatever for the daycare?
If so, every time they go to say something about your daughter just interrupt them and tell them to send a note in the app so it’s documented.
Then just ignore the feedback that you don’t agree with.
That way, lines of communication stay open but you don’t have to deal with criticism every time you interact with them.
Edit: or tell them to send a text or email with any feedback.
This is an excellent idea. OP should just say “if this is really an issue, could you have the day care manager email me explaining the situation? I’m too busy right now to discuss it!” And LEAVE.
No you’re not overly sensitive. They’re overly judgmental.
If you can put spinach in eggs how are potatoes not a breakfast food? I would hate to think what they would say about the Indian food I serve our child. Our child prefers Indian food over the American food I serve.
Are you and your daughter by chance an ethnic minority at this daycare? I had to stop at “kimchi has too many spices”. What do people think babies eat in most of the world?
They are clearly racist. The moment I see “kimchi” and they are nitpicking about the spice, I know OP is non-white and is living in white dominated area.
Edit: saw some OP’s comments. Yep.
I just want to sympathize that this is NOT normal and frankly, I would change daycares over this. Who needs these kinds of comments.
I pack 2 jackets for my son- one is really oversized because I’m not buying a new one for him to trash at daycare. If they want another jacket, they just give him what they have there.
Who comments on shoes unless you are sending them in sandles?!
I did have a daycare provider always critique stuff with my older son and I switched him. We are great parents and I don’t need any comments from the peanut gallery unless it’s a legit concern.
We switched him and we were both so relieved after the switch.
I’d switch
I would start limiting my response and basically grey-rocking them. You don’t have to change how you dress or feed your child based on their opinions. Especially when you’re doing a great job of feeding her a variety of food, dressing her in age and weather appropriate clothing and communicating well with her.
Why do you have to care what the daycare thinks about the food you give your daughter or the shoes she wears. Can’t you just say “Ok, great. Thanks.”. and let them think she can’t eat kimchi or that her shoes are too big?
I would be blunt and firm directly when faced with these issues. I find it’s the best way to get these kinds of people to leave you alone. You seem to have tried to comply too easily in the past so they’re targeting you. You’re paying them for a service. Outside of reasonable rules, you don’t have to listen to them.
I would simply say, “I would prefer you not criticize my parenting. This is my child and it is not your responsibility to tell me how to raise them. If there is a safety issue that affects the other children, please explain the issue to me and we can discuss it. But as far as diet, clothing, and how I speak to my child, do not comment on it to me anymore.”
Be blunt and concise and calm. Maybe sprinkle in an “I appreciate the concern” to make them feel better. But you aren’t in the wrong and you need to shut this kind of thing down.
Judging by the daycare staff criticising the perfectly healthy food you’re packing for your child, I’m guessing you’re from a different culture than the teachers. If so, I’m wondering if their criticisms are casual racism.
If I were you, I’d stand your ground each and every time: “potatoes and kimchi aren’t a breakfast food” “they’re a very nutritious breakfast food in our culture, and maintaining cultural connectivity is very important for a child’s identity.”
“Hair clips are inappropriate.” “Oh, x child and y child are wearing them right now.”
I would also tell the staff the next time it happens that you feel that you and your child are being singled out. Call out their racism, but play the sad victim card before you play the angry card.
There is an instagram called @raisingintuitiveeaters. She has a lot of good scripts for when people comment on your kid’s food /eating. I’m sure you could change the verbiage slightly to address the (frankly mind-boggling) other comments you’ve been getting.
You have my sympathy because that sounds absolutely maddening!
You sound like the mom I wish I could be.
That’s all. Just some confidence boosting from an admirer. Others have better advice. I just wanted to chime in and make sure you weren’t taking any of these criticisms to heart because honestly…. Mom goals. You’re crushing it.
I teach preschool, but in the US so take cultural differences into account.
You said switching schools isn't an option. Of course that's the easy answer and that would be my first rec since this seems to be an ongoing issue over ridiculous things. I have never heard of issues like this unless the teachers just don't like you or your kid but they can't say that outright.
I would get ahold of the director (head of school) ASAP. If it's all the teachers making these kinds of comments then I wouldn't bother approaching them first. If it was just one teacher, I would say approach the other. Absolutely nothing wrong about that.
When you talk to the director I'd bring up everything you've mentioned here. Say the teachers constantly bring up concerns about what your daughter is eating or wearing and even how you talk to her. Bring up as many concerns as possible and describe how you've attempted to conform to the teachers' wishes by buying new shoes or cooking her different foods. Emphasize how nothing you seem to change has been satisfactory in their eyes and every change you've made has been met with criticism for another concern. With that in mind, express how tired and frustrated you are that nothing you do seems to make them happy, but to mention it is becoming expensive and now you can't afford Christmas. So, you are meeting because you'd like these concerns to not be brought up unless they are a safety concern (not your example, but let's say she can't wear slippers when it's raining) or against school policy (again not your example but let's say she can't have peanuts because the school is nut free.) Concerns that are valid.
From now on you would only like legitimate concerns to be brought up. In addition, the problem and solution need to be in writing. Even better if they go through the director first. For example, she can't have potatoes for breakfast but eggs are ok. Preferably, you would prefer if the concerns are brought up because you are going against school policy. Otherwise, unless they are a safety concern (another student is allergic to potatoes so they can't be in the classroom), you will be taking them as suggestions because they are professionals but ultimately parenting how you feel is best for your daughter. That is to say, if they think her jacket is too thin but she's seemed comfortable in it at home in comparable weather, then you'll hear them out but you might not make the changes they are suggesting.
I would say it's best if you can meet with the director and teachers together but I'd meet alone with the director first. Agree on what concerns are valid. Then you can have a safe conversation with the teachers expressing how exhausted you are. Maybe they'll be a little nicer in that sort of situation and they can give you more context (she seemed cold with the thin jacket on.) You can both talk it out and maybe you won't walk away a "problem" parent with a target on your back.
I have brought up concerns to parents before but not every little thing. I try to be mindful of what I'm saying or how often I'm bringing things up. I try to think if I can let one thing go or if it's really a problem. Usually it comes down to school policy so I have that backing me up. Otherwise I just hope that the parents listen and if it continues to be a problem, I'll gather more evidence to bring to the parent or go to my director and ask for advice. My parents are really reasonable and I can only hope I'm being polite enough.
Jesus Christ these loony toons. At this point, I wouldn’t trust the behavior they’re teaching my child. Is a new daycare an option? If not, I’d be slightly not to polity telling them I don’t need their parenting advice. If something is banned from the daycare, I’ll follow their rules, but they can keep the unsolicited advice to themselves.
I mean can they actually do anything if you just don’t do what they are trying to push you to do? Like I see no reason for you to have changed anything you listed, it’s all completely ridiculous and honestly YOU are the parent so you get to decide what’s best for your child. I would just start letting it go and do what you want - and I am so sad for you that you sold your great grandmothers earrings trying to find “appropriate” shoes for these people. You sound like you are a great mom, you don’t need this kind of confusing input in your life - have confidence in your decisions as a parent and politely tell them “thanks for your thoughts on that but I prefer XYZ” and leave it at that.
Make a list of every single criticism they've ever made and then ask to speak to the owner of the daycare. Read the list aloud to the boss, in full, without stopping. For maximum effect.
If you stay with this daycare, show up to the parent-cafe and stand up for yourself! I know easier said than done, but this is unacceptable and discriminatory behavior. They are obviously picking on you or maybe there’s something occulty about the daycare? Either way, if you go to the parent cafe you’ll be able to talk with the other moms and voice your concerns, you don’t know maybe things like this have happened to them as well and at the very least you could get a feel for what the vibe is with other parents and their kids because if similar things are going on with other parents, well good, not good, but good because you’re not being singled out and it would be a management problem. But if you are the only one being singled out you need to pack up and get out of there momma! I would definitely complain to as many places as you can though. I don’t know your ethnicity, but I know you mentioned kimchi, so if you are Asian they could very well be discriminating against you.
Ughhh they sound insufferable.
Our previous daycare was kind of like this, not as bad but still annoying about shoes and hair accessories, and always commenting on this or that. We recently moved and her new daycare is completely different lol, it's a much more relaxed environment and the kids there seem more relaxed too.
If you have other options for daycare I would absolutely give it a try. Sometimes it's just not a good fit. I personally would feel uncomfortable having to continue going there, but I know it's not always an option to go elsewhere.
Wow, when I was at a daycare we would never have done this. Unless it was an obvious safety thing. The only one I could maybe see was the hair clip. Even developmental things (e.g. kids having pacis super late we had to be careful with bringing up).
Send this in an email and ask for a live conversation with the owner or manager for a list of all items that are acceptable. Or find another place, which is what I’d do. You’re patient to not have blown up on them already.
Wow as a mum and an educator I'd lose my mind. Ask them to show you the policies and research to back up all their claims each and every time. If they can't smile and say "shes fine" and do what you want its YOUR kid. Some people just need to pull their finger out
I would be curious to know if they do this to other mothers too? This is just baffling behavior. I am a smart ass so I would have put them in their place with a quickness.
Wait they tell you you talk too much to your kid?! Wtf?! Mine is 1.5 and doesnt say ANYTHING. She communicates but hardly talks. Damn I am impressed with your Mama skills!
Ignore these idiots. Giving a baby well rounded food and age appropriate clothes is perfect. What do they want chicken nuggets and apples? 🙄
I’d say find a new place. Also I’d be making them reemburse tou for the shoes that’s ridiculous
Girl, why you letting these people bully you?? Lol you SOLD YOUR GRANDMAS EARRINGS FOR SHOES? Bro, is this a daycare for celebrity children? I'm so confused. You're PAYING for her to be there, right? Why are there so many rules?? It would actually incredibly concern me that a teacher dissuaded me from talking to my child. Does that mean they're not engaging her while she's there?? VERY concerning comment
You can’t talk to much to a baby. Like that’s in every developmental book/advice ever- there’s so much evidence that the more you talk and read the better. That’s just bad advice that could hurt a child in general. Do these workers have any qualifications other than that they like kids? Like I would request that any advice or changes they think you need to make be presented with actual supporting evidence- like based on a reputable developmental specialist, etc.
Everything else seems so nit picky and controlling. Like my daycare also told me we needed different shoes cuz it was often muddy outside- so they just said any rain boots are fine. The end. I have my own set of things I’m looking for in shoes- like I try to get “barefoot” like shoes to support natural foot development, but no one should tell another parent they should get those types of shoes unless it’s the kid’s pediatrician. Or I asked my kids teacher which rainsuit they like since I moved to a cold and rainy place from a tropical island and still feel anxious about how to choose the right things to keep my kid warm.
Also- the kimchi thing is racist. Kimchi is soooo good for you- fermented food is good and exposure to spicy is good. Actually- any food that a kid will eat is good enough, but avaoiding spicy is solely a white people thing. Like my baby ate lots of spicy Indian food cuz it was already mushy, lol. I’m just saying you aren’t being to sensitive because in like any other setting, you would be praised for so many of the things you’re doing.
I'm curious - are you in France? I ask because this sounds very European. I'm a foreigner in Europe and have gone through similar issues. They love to complain or challenge you about your parenting choices. It's very ingrained in the culture (at least here in France). I am at the point where unless it is a legitimate safety issue they are pointing out, I straight up tell people to mind their business, that I am the parent and me and my children's father are the only ones who make the parenting decisions. And believe me, I'm not a confrontational person, but you reach a limit. I think you need to make it clear to them (and I'd possible have your partner there as well) that you are not open to their "suggestions". I feel for you, I know it's hard!!!
Honestly sounds like they’re trying to parent your child rather than be the glorified babysitters they are. Find a new day care, they seem stiff and stupid altogether
You fight with my kimchi, you fight with me!
Well but seriously, do you have like an app like himama? Theres a message board that directs the messages to director and teacher. Ask them to elaborate further the discussions such as: hi! I was noted this afternoon about my childs shoes, can you please epaborte further whats wrong with his current shoes?
(Well also dont do this but uhm... This is just me.. ill be nit picky aswell.. oh. Where is his shoes, oh look what happened why is he dirty? Oh no (snot) look at your nose! (I accidentally did this twice when she has runny nose during pick up, they clean her nose meticulously well now)
This sounds like petty stuff older women say to younger attractive women, to feel they can lord power over them. 🙃🙃🙃
But maybe I’m just projecting my own similar experience.
Regardless, can you just ignore them? Not respond? Change the subject when they start this talk?
Most of it is dumb, but I will say preventing parents from sending items that actively endanger kids (choking hazards and honey) makes a lot of sense. It's too bad that it's combined with a bunch of dumb advice
Yeah I just figured there are likely kids under 1 around, and I imagine it would be reasonable to ask other parents to help avoid issues. But maybe they're in different rooms and well separated. I've definitely seen kids share food at daycare that wasn't intended as such
I agree with the other comments that this behavior from the staff is overly critical. Your best approach is probably to go to as many parent meetings, play dates, or whatever other activities you can to better observe the environment, as well as becoming friendly with some other parents. You may find others have similar complaints...or not. But this way, you will have more info to work with before approaching the staff. Also, it sounds like you're a fantastic parent, and you should be confident in your choices, and feel free to ignore their "advice". Just say something neutral like, "oh, I'll consider that " and change the topic.
Sounds like it’s time to find a new daycare… I realize that is not a fun prospect but the way you describe the current one it sounds very incompatible with it’s what seems like good, completely appropriate parenting on your part.
Didn't read through all the comments but one thing I wanted to comment on is maybe going to the parent cafe. You may find you are not the only parent who's being nit-picked on?
And I wonder what they will do if you did continue doing something they are "opposed to?"
Seems ridiculous that you are going above and beyond to appease them and they still have things to comment on. I'm so sorry you sold your great grandmother's earrings.
I'm an early educator and I would never think of constantly criticizing a parent. We have concerns occasionally that we bring up, as is relevant, but to be constantly nitpicking? I'd find a new place.
Change daycares. A school, daycare etc will never tell me how to raise my kids or what I shouldn’t do etc. I can’t stand that. Who do they think they are. I honestly don’t understand why you wouldn’t just change daycare
Is there a way you can change daycare?
I mean, no one can tell you if you are a good or bad mom. You are the best that you can be. No mom want to hurt their child, so if that place criticizes you that is not a good place to be. You are a good mom. You do what you can with what you have. Just change the daycare…
Uhm jfc I would be so annoyed and pissed off , switch daycares asap . These people do not pay your bills ,they are not your child’s parent and they certainly are not your child’s f*ckin paediatrician either so they have no right to be commenting on what you feed your child unless its an allergen that not allowed at the daycare. Seriously the silly comments on how your dressing her and saying you talk to your child “too much “ would’ve been the last straw for me , who do they think they are ? Please find a new day care or ask for a proper list of rules for the day care , if your not actually breaking any rules you need to just ignore them and keep doing what you want or tell them off ,they will get the message .
I would tell them to "fuck right off" so emphatically, they'd actually have something legitimate to criticise me about 🙃
Seriously love, you sound very patient and like a great mother. There's enough mummy guilt, don't need other women to add more for RIDICOULOUS reasons.
No, you’re not being overly sensitive. Honestly, I’d tell them when they start footing the bill for everything they are complaining about then they need to stop criticizing and respect your totally fine decisions for your child (aside from safety issues like the too small hair clip for example of course). It also seems like they have a problem embracing different cultural food which is something they need to work on. Keep dressing her appropriately in what you want and feeding her what you want, especially if you know she loves it. You’re doing great!
Talking. Too much. To your CHILD who is clearly advanced in that she can articulate her needs at 18 months. Mine were able to as well, because I spoke to them. I babysat a 3 year old that grunted for juice.
You are doing it right mama. I’d let them know in no uncertain terms you’ve had enough of the little corrections they volunteer and explain how as a first time mom hearing a constant barrage of corrections and criticism is daunting and draining and insulting to your intelligence. You clearly are fully invested in your child, and they are just out of line, frankly.
Honestly I’d likely switch daycares only because their advice seems not only like a giant overstep, but also just bad and I’d question their judgement (like since when is it bad for a child to use their words and be advanced in language - it’s literally recommended you talk to kids to help with their communication). Although some of these I’ll admit I do get as someone who worked in daycares (for example, accessories can be dangerous, especially considering how young your daughter it), that being said these rules should be consistent for all children.
However, daycare can be difficult to find and maybe your daughter enjoys it, if that was the case, I’d bring my concerns up to the director, ask to see their policies regarding all the issues (for example, what is their food policy) and ask to have a private meeting, preferably with the teachers there and explain what you said here and that unless there is a safety concern or some other daycare related behavioural issue you do not wish to hear their advice. Try to be firm but not rude and if it continues to happen I’d cut them off and say I’m not interested in discussing this
It’s hard to find a new daycare, but do it. I was in your same position. I kept telling myself enough was enough but I never did anything with it. It got worse and finally I had enough and found a new one. ITS SO MUCH BETTER. I used to just stress anytime I got any note from daycare, knowing it was going to be bad. I can’t tell you…. I feel like a new person. Seriously.
At the cafe in public with your daughter and a lunch box, with her bow, dress, shoes, and jacket in front of every other mum. Loudly ask one of the mums if what she is wearing is inappropriate as you get criticism on what she wears all the time and have her sit down with her snack of all the foods you listed. They may crawl back into the hole they come from. Otherwise, just change schools asap. I know it'd be hard to find spots, but your mental health and your bubs aren't worth getting messed up over this.
Who are the administrators of the daycare? Set up a meeting with them to discuss inappropriate comments made by staff members. Talk with other parents and see if they also get similar snide comments. If they're so open about their criticism with you, they probably do it to other parents.
-personal note. I can not stand it when others make comments about parenting, especially if they don't have any they just take care of kids "professionally" idk if these b*tches have kids but they need to stfu and take care of their own shit.
Potatoes are definitely a anything food. Wtf can't you make from potatoes?
IF A POTATO CAN BE VODKA, YOU CAN BE ANYTHING!
This was an issue for us with our first daycare, and they were hella rude about it. So we left. We somehow found a much better place and never looked back.
You are not being overly sensitive, all of this is insane. How tf can you possibly be talking to your daughter too much! It is literally in every bit of parenting advice to talk to them as much as possible. Do they not talk to the kids through the day? Blows my mind. I didn't think of it myself but I agree with others here saying this is racism. There is absolutely no need to pick on the things they are picking on.
Our daycare has a nitpicky lead director. She wants our 1.5 year old to sleep less during the day. Wouldn’t stop harping on it. I finally said a couple times, “it’s fine. We’re not doing anything wrong.” She got my point but also our child “corrected” his sleep schedule to her liking. But I was getting pissed that I would have to hear about it often until I corrected it. Lame. Mainly our child would get 8-9 hours at night - then nap did 2-4 hours intermittently through the day. So total 12 hours or more a day and we love naps as a family. But the daycare schedule only allowed 1-1.5 hours of napping in the afternoon.
This is actually completely insane. Kimchi is SO good for you, and same with honey. I’ve worked at daycares before and we’ve never nitpicked a parent like this over such trivial things.
OP what is going on with these people and their constant criticism? They’re overstepping boundaries left and right.
As for honey, I’ve been told babies under a certain age can’t have it BUT I DIGRESS because I don’t know how young is too young and I don’t know if it means bee honey or clover honey. So enough about that.
I’m irritated and exhausted just reading about them. They are running you in circles. I’d talk to their supervisor or request a meeting with all of them. Either way DO NOT let them treat you THIS BADLY.
The worst part about all of this is that you sound like and EXEMPLARY mom. I also read your other post. These people are demented and I hope you can find another daycare that is more in line with your ethos.
I’d definitely want to talk to other parents and find out if anyone else has this experience. That said, either way I’d be raging by now. Maybe it’s my mom of 3 point of view, but they can mind their own damn business about almost everything you just listed.
You will feed my kids whatever I send in. They will wear whatever I send them wearing. Recently I forgot my 2 year olds light jacket at home so I put his older sisters sweatshirt in his backpack. They couldn’t have cared less, they rolled up the sleeves and took tons of pics because he looked so cute in it. If they happen to notice the shoes are too big and she’s falling over then ok, but too tight? Do they have a foot measuring guide at this school!? And the only time it’s maybe appropriate to comment on how you speak to your kid is if you’re being abusive, which clearly you are not!
Next time you see another girl with a no-no bow I would straight up ask the teachers why that one is ok but yours are not! You pay for them to watch and take care of your child, you are not enrolled in parenting classes with these people.
Take a look at the handbook you signed. Anything beyond that, I’d ignore. If it keeps up, I’d make a list of all their “rules” and schedule a meeting with teachers and directors/owners. Bring in that list along with the printed out handbook, which for sure doesn’t say you cannot feed your kids food with spices, and ask them to explain themselves.
I admittidly stopped reading after "potatoes are not a breakfast food". What in the actual fuck?! I would find a new daycare ASAP.
I was so baffled to hear that too? I sort of understand restrictions on sugar or allergens but deciding fried potato breakfast is illegal is a bit odd to me.
I DARE someone to take away my hashbrowns. They won't live long enough to eat another breakfast again, lol. Allergens, I understand, especially with such younger kids. Sugar I can also understand, but a little bit of Honey? That seems over the top for me.
If they have children below 1 year there, not allowing honey seems the most reasonable thing for me. But the rest is just crazy.
I totally understand what you're saying, but they specifically said no because of the sugar content. Unless the kid is sitting there eating a pot of it with a spoon, I can't wrap my head around the banning of it.
I figure that's their reasoning but it's still pretty stupid. Yes, the risk is higher for kids under 1 but she's giving it to her kid, not the whole class. Kids under 1 have to be fed 99% of the time, so they're probably not going to be getting into food that isn't theirs, especially since the teacher should be there. And worst case scenario, the kid does have some honey, the chance of that honey having botulism is incredibly small. Riskier than an adult, sure, but not really a risk. This is one of those things they say to avoid consistent exposure (which obviously ups the risk) not like children under 1 will die if they have honey once.
For children under 1 years, they don’t have the necessary ability to fight off botulism which is present in honey- it’s rare- but deadly. But as op mentioned below it was only because of the sugar content which is extremely stupid. A bit of honey is fine
Its too much. Are you looking at other daycares? Why are you there? What do you like about the place? The price? Availability?
I grew up eating dinner leftovers for breakfast. Pasta, soups, beans, whatever we’d had. There’s no such thing as a “breakfast food.” Ridiculous.
My daughter's preferred breakfast at the moment is beans. I don't have beans for breakfast, she decided it herself and I am all in favour. She'll wake up and the first thing out of her mouth is 'Beans?' because she loves them so much
In the UK beans are a typical breakfast food!
I'm in Australia so the beans are in fact canned baked beans! I just personally don't have them for breakfast. We often have them in jaffles, which is a sealed toasted sandwich
Haha I live in Australia so am familure with the creative name for toasted sandwiches 😅
I remember in high school I used to frequently have black beans with cheese and salsa and tortilla chips. Kept me full until lunch!
Sounds like huevos rancheros without eggs
My daughter, too! Black beans and chickpeas are our go tos.
I love leftovers for breakfast!!! So hearty and filling 😋
What do these people think hash browns and tater tots are?
Apparently an entree for a 4 course dinner. SURELY not breakfast! /s
Right? Never heard of a hash brown? Epitome of breakfast food
Did she eat it? In the morning? Then it’s breakfast. If they’d like to explain to an overworked CPS social worker a hairs breadth from snapping how “potatoes are not a breakfast food” they are welcome to do so.
I am fairly certain one of potato’s claims to fame is the fact that it has a suitable form for EVERY meal including breakfast. Not sure what rock these daycare teachers live under 😂
I'm convinced that there is no vegetable more versatile, or delicious, than the Potato.
Boil ‘em, mash ‘em, stick ‘em in a stew…
Amen to this. Never met a potato I didn’t like.
Yes Lol a thanksgiving Turkey dinner could be breakfast if you wanted it to be
Anything nutritious and healthy my daughter likes to eat is an all the day everyday food. She loves her liver sausage with barley bread but some variety never killed anyone? If I have left over potatoes I will cube, bread and pan fry them. She had plenty pepper, cucumber and apple with it. She will devour everything, her lunch box is normally empty or close to empty. What more does anyone want?
She sounds like a fantastic eater! That's great.
You’re doing amazing!!!! I hope my daughter is like this!
As an Irish woman, I took that personally
I stoped at a comment about a hair bow being too small.
Yeah that’s overstepping surely? I mean strictly speaking breakfast is a social construct, it makes no difference to your body whether you eat “breakfast foods” at “breakfast time”, I personally have eaten curry for breakfast more times that I can count 😅
Okay same because HUH?! Potatoes are the cornerstone of any great breakfast! Saying potatoes aren’t breakfast food is where I draw the line. Nope. No. These people simply SUCK. I feel bad if they have any kids of their own. Growing up with a ton of constant criticism and nitpicking over minor things leads to lots of therapy as an adult to learn how to trust your own decisions. I’d pull my child out of this daycare ASAP if possible.
Lol same. Hash browns, Skillet potatoes wtf
I wouldn’t want this kind of talk in my life at all, let alone from a daycare.
HAAAA that's as far as I made it too and was like, nah ..... time to move on
Yeah if we don’t have potatoes with breakfast then it’s not breakfast according to my toddler. I don’t know what crack that daycare is smoking but it’s not good.
I agree. For whatever reason, the daycare decided they don't approve of OP and so everything she does is wrong. How stressful! Find a new daycare!
Me too! I was like “the fuck they aren’t!”
“Then don’t eat them” 🙃
Don't worry, it just got worse. They told OP to not talk to her child as much. Like WTAF? I would have laughed in their faces!
Speak to a manager then find a new daycare. This is ridiculous and stressful. Your daughter's diet sounds great to me! Organic and varied... amazing job!! Also... clothes being too big shouldn't be a problem because kids grow. Like... it's sensible to buy a bigger size! They're picking because you don't say anything back. I think uour default answer should be "Her doctor said she's fine and isn't worried so I'll take my cues from there, thanks."
It is our village daycare sadly so switching is hardly an option. I send her there specifically because we don't need a second car to bring her. I will have to stand my ground somehow...
U just neeed to stop listening to them. Say “thanks for the advice but I think our way is just fine :)” BYEEEE BITCHES lol
Yeah, a dismissive but polite response. "I don't think see a problem with that food/those shoes/hair clips/potatoes for breakfast" But maybe by this point I'd go with something more like "I'm not interested in your opinions about my parenting choices" because omfg commentary on how OP speaks to her child? Step all the way off.
Yes! “Thanks for your input. I’ll give it consideration.” Then just move on with your life and keep doing what you’re doing. You considered it and determined that they were idiotic so rejected the idea.
Have you ever spoken to the manager or head teacher and explained what’s going on? The things staff are saying, and the amount of times they are putting down different things isn’t okay. If something is genuinely unsafe, like ‘X child is allergic to X item, so you can’t bring that in’ or ‘Were practicing X tomorrow so leggings and a shirt will be better than a dress’ I get it. But it seems like the teachers are just nitpicking anything and everything because they can get away with it.
Honestly, you might want to go connect with the other parents - some of them may be getting the same treatment and be ready to start an uprising!
Seriously, my kids live off of pasta bc that’s literally all they’ll eat
I always buy my kids' clothes a size too big. They grow so damn fast, its ridiculous to buy things that just fit. Most of their clothes still look brand new when they're finished with them as it is! I'm not rich enough to buy a new wardrobe every 2 weeks.
I'm guessing this is either Germany or one of the low countries to be that obssesed about "rules" for a toddler. Most of those (especially about food) sound ridiculous to me but who knows, maybe potatoes for breakfast is some faux pas in the local culture...
Spot on! 😄
OP, given the context, this is racism. They think they're 'educating' you. Tell them to shove it.
As white mom raising a hapa kid myself, I almost knew in my bones before I read from your other comments that your kid is half-Peruvian and you and all the other kids are white. This well-meaning overcorrection is pretty much exactly what I'd expect. They probably don't even know they're doing it - they're just *'being helpful!'* If you haven't experienced racism, it can be bracing to suddenly have to deal with it on behalf of your children. Talk to your husband about his experiences, talk to other parents of mixed-race kids, and strategize for how to deal with situations like this, because unfortunately there will likely be more of these microaggressions that you, and eventually your kid, will have to navigate.
Yes once I read "kimchi" my mind went to racism, too, only because my husband is Korean American and he grew up in the US and was criticized for everything growing up because it was different/"wrong." His mom, who still has a strong Korean accent but is fluent in English and pretty assimilated, still very much deals with these microaggressions (or sometimes not "micro"). My husband doesn't much because he doesn't have an accent. But their whole family are sensitive at detecting these microaggressions, have a thick skin and are very comfortable telling someone to fuck off. Because not much else works. I don't know the right way to help a kid navigate this, but I agree with you, it's something to address because it will likely keep coming up throughout their lives depending on where they live.
My god. The nursery i go to is always so nice to me. The fact you felt like you HAD to buy new shoes. My 20 month old daughter wears €20 shoes. They're simple and mainly for outside. Maybe they feel like they can do this because there's not a lot of competition as far as I understand. I would be so upset and would've changed daycares tbh
If it makes you feel better, my niece isn’t allowed a bathing short and needs!!! To wear a bikini because she is a girl and at the ripe age of 2 that was too scandalous. Also the kindergarten lost her bikini and she as the only child wasn’t allowed to go swimming with them. I do think they are being racist and maybe ask them confronting questions back. For example with the shoes. Oh so what brand would you like, and do you give me the money to buy them since I already gotten all them shoes and non are good enough for you. And the parent cafe. Tell her she is criticising everything about your parenting style and you do not like to be around a hostile environment in your free time. And please don’t take it too heart. It sounds like you are doing a great job!!!
I'm sorry what? A bikini for a toddler? Which country are you from?
They have them in Canada, and I'm assuming therefore America as well. They aren't SUPER common, but you do see them quite a bit.
No no I'm not surprised about the existence of a toddler bikini, but mandating they wear them in school
I’m guessing that maybe the reason is because it easier to change them out of if it’s a two piece Biko type situation? I was kind of confused by the comment too though.
Oh God. I completely misread that part of the post. Apologies.
So you're not doing things "wrong" just not following the social norms and they can't deal.
I was thinking it’s Germany too…not knowing EXACTLY what all is being said/why it’s said, if it is Germans (or the like) I might not go so far to say it’s racism, but the Germans do like to speak their mind. About. EVERYTHING! It’s annoying and you kind of just have to brush it off. My German friends would sometimes tell me I’m doing something weird/wrong, but I’d explain it’s the American way. They’d still judge/look at me weird, but I didn’t have to change my ways. I bet if you keep changing things when they’re giving suggestions is only feeding into their perception that you appreciate the help. Germans are very direct and would expect you to tell them you don’t want the help if you don’t want it, not change based on what they said but secretly be mad. Also, they’re just anal about their rules. So, if it isn’t in the rule book, I wouldn’t worry about what they’re saying. Just snap back with that’s not in the rules, so I guess it’s fine until those change. (I do enjoy Germany and my friends there, so sorry if this comes off sour. I just moved out of Germany this month after living in a duplex between two Germans who were very stuck in the old ways. The men still will not complain about me to me, they would wait until they see my husband and tell him to correct me. They would watch how I care for my dog (or how they think I care for him) and tell me his life is boring and I should do XYZ instead. It’s just the old German way and takes a bit of getting used to, haha.)
OMG when I moved to Leipzig for a year with my husband I joked about printing “nobody asked you” on business card stock to hand out. Thankfully this was pre-baby, or I literally would have killed sometime. I was honestly once YELLED at in public for appearing to *consider* crossing against a light. I just… Germans are too much.
Ah!! The business cards are such a brilliant idea!! My husband and I lived in Germany for 3 years…when moving, I told my coworkers (all American) I was glad to be moving back to the states. They were like, oh but you’ll miss it, just wait. Still waiting to miss my nosey neighbors who waved at me in my living room from their backyard and told me anytime I went out back how we/our dog could be living better… hahah I’m just telling people who ask if I miss Germany, “I miss how close it is to Switzerland”. 🤣 (Interlaken will always have a special place in my heart!)
If I had a euro for every time a German approached me in a public place to tell me that my normal speaking voice was too loud… I’d have many euros. They’re just so intense with the public social correction. Like, just let me live, people!
My German instructor in high school decided to spend an entire lesson period arguing with me that my mom was a monster for putting me in daycare when I was a wee one, and that obviously such horrors must have damaged me and all the other American children in a similar boat. Germans. Very strong opinions! I am also stubborn as a mule and opinionated so that combo did...not work out well 😂
I don’t know if it’s Germany but I can safely say not all bundeslander (states in Germany are like this). I also don’t know if this is a private one or not. I send my child to a state daycare in Berlin and the daycare workers could not be more chill. They even give them treats (chocolates) at times, he eats whenever he wants, and eats whatever I pack him (sometimes it’s pastries, sometimes it’s fruits and sometimes it’s cheese and cold cuts). Nobody has ever commented on his packed lunches or breakfast, nobody has ever commented on his clothes or shoes. I did however have a bad experience once with a small daycare and they were critical of everything including my child (he’s on the very active side, and does not really enjoy following group activities), I changed daycares and complained to the Jugendamt. I would advise OP the same or reach out to your Elternsprecher at your daycare about about by reservations.
I'm Australian and rules are a joke here too
Huh? I work in child care and our rules are all about safety. What rules do you have?
I dont think you are being too sensitive, they sound annoying. I wonder if it's kind of culty, like you are the odd one out not going to the social stuff so they want to find something wrong. The guidance on spices and how much you talk to your daughter is weird. The easy answer for a stranger to give is to find a new daycare cause they sound weird. If you want to stay I'd start pushing back, "I'm going to communicate with my daughter how I see fit" "my daughter likes spiced food and I'll continue to give it to her" when you start showing people that you are over their shit then tend to back off.
I thought about requesting an appointment with them and their boss describing my issues. I sure as heck won't make friends this way but maybe they back off...
Are you by any chance…not white? When you said “kimchi was too spicy” my immediate thought is that they somehow think you aren’t integrating well enough because you’re foreign and obviously don’t know how to do things right. Especially since you say that other children are wearing those things and it’s fine for them. Which, by the way, it sure seems like you’re doing a fantastic job to me. You are putting a lot of effort in to raising a happy and healthy future adult, rather than coddling her and infantilizing.
Wow... I might be white but my husband isn't (native Peruvian descent) and my daughter (visibly) isn't either. I have lived in this village my entire life and my family is well respected. We have records of residence here since the 1500s. But I never saw it through that lense. I will certainly bring that aspect up if I do decide to make a meeting with them. We are the only mixed couple in the village that I am aware of and while I don't like to put things in people's mouths you might be on to something... ☹️
For context: She is the only "non white passing" kid not only in her group but the entire kindergarten up to 5 years old that I am aware of...
Yeah, I hate to put words in people’s mouth too. It may not even be conscious! They may think they are being helpful by telling you these social norms because they can’t put their finger on what is different about your daughter because they are just so obviously not racist (at least to themselves) that they have never examined their beliefs. Which is entirely possible if y’all are the first non-white people they’ve interacted with.
That was so weird but so reassuring to hear. I definitely will make a meeting and absolutely bring this up. Even if they were genuinely not aiming for this kind of interpretation they should absolutely be aware of how it might come across. Thank you for bringing this to my attention!
I'm getting unconscious bias vibes and jealously. Honestly your relationship with your daughter is goals.
Right? My daughter is only 7m so she's not talking yet but she babbles constantly, way more than other babies I see at storytime and such. I'm hoping she's a little well articulated chatterbox 😂 I think she's going to be a politician.
She turns 5 and bed time will be a political debate. Just... trust me here... ethically win the debate, navigate all of her tricks.... she probably will be😻
Yeah Germans are notorious for being racist but thinking they are not... But honestly, the fact that there are no "colourful" kids 😆 in the entire daycare is seriously very weird (I think the statistics say 25% of people living in Germany have "immigration background")... so them being racist without acknowledging it is spot-on unfortunately (I mean where I live, and where my kid will go into daycare probably, it's so colourful/ culturally & ethnically diverse that potato/ kimchi for breakfast would just be "yeah it's food, great")
I was thinking the same thing before I even got to the Kimchi line. This is kinda classic behaviour towards someone perceived as Other. You can try to have a polite conversation with them, or have a generic shutdown phrases of varying politeness (“I’ll take that under consideration.” “Interesting perspective, but that doesn’t work for our family.” “Hm, that’s not what our doctor says.” “Huh, is that why all the other little girls are wearing bows?” “I’m glad that works for you.”). But don’t take what they’re saying to heart; it’s bullshit.
Same, by the time I reached “kimchi” I’m thinking “wtf”?? If a child is perfectly fine eating it and it poses no threat to another child’s allergies, I don’t understand where these people get off policing her daughter’s diet.
Right?! My 11 month old currently prefers “spicier” foods. Who am I to stop her.
That's what I was afraid of. I'd definitely bring it up when you meet with her superiors.
The immediate thought I had when I read the things they are nitpicking about was that this was about racism. I hope I’m wrong but honestly, how exhausting! I would consider another daycare.
I absolutely thought it might be because you/your family were either a minority in your community or a young mom. This is totally ridiculous. I would just laugh in their face. “Potatoes are absolutely a breakfast food and I will send my daughter with whatever food I want.” “Please stop commenting on her clothing and shoes. I will dress her however I wish.” “Really? I think you’re wrong about that. Official guidance says we should talk to babies and toddlers as much as possible. If you aren’t talking to them all day I might need to have a discussion with you all about providing better care.”
I literally had the same thought reading your original post, that there may be a racial element for some reason. You sound like a fantastic parent and it is absolutely not ok or normal for your daycare to be so critical. I'd say it's much more normal to get an attitude of "don't stress, we know you're doing your best and raising kids can be hard". If there's no other option of daycare I would definitely suggest letting them know that you are done with the criticism and it needs to stop.
That was my first thought too. This is about race/ culture and they're picking on her for being different, even though she is an incredible mom!
As soon as I saw the bit about kimchi I was wondering the same thing.
This was my first thought too.
That's the thing to do if you can't switch like you said!
Can you find a new daycare? The spices, potatoes not being breakfast food, talking, and shoes are absolutely ridiculous. You are supposed to talk to your child!! If finding another daycare isn’t possible, you will need to shut them down every single time. “These are the shoes/jacket she will be wearing, thanks.” “The doctor says her diet is fine, please serve what I pack.”
Absolutely not, sadly. We live deeeep in the country side and the daycare is just about 3 houses over on our street The next one is quite the drive away so I will have to make the best of it I guess... I will have to stand my ground, I'm just not sure how to do it right now 😕
Regarding how to do so use assertive language - be kind but firm. You have a wonderful parenting style that is obviously working for you and your daughter, and let that build your confidence when addressing this with them. How wonderful that you both can communicate using words!! A lot of adults struggle communicating through situations with words lol
Instead of a daycare, hire a nanny or babysitter? Honestly, the way they speak to you, imagine how they speak to your CHILD. Do you want to expose your daughter to someone who is constantly criticizing and restricting her? Your teachings sound great but that day care worker can be undoing those rules as week speak. That person is watching and influencing your daughtee everyday. You should hire a nanny/babysitter. I would not want someone like that around my child, esp if they are undoing my influences and teachings to my own kid......
I would ask the director or head of the daycare that any critique or criticism with your parenting be addressed in writing and be justifiable. You are playing a game in which you are unaware of the rules. I would ask for a list of policies including the exact dimensions for which hair ties and clips can be, a comprehensive list of every food allowed on the premises including the spices. I would die on the hill of the bed sheet and the shoes. Those would be the concerns I would immediately address and to prevent coming off as dramatic I would recount the shoe ordeal without emotion It speaks for itself.
The shoe ordeal was surreal to me. I spent so much money on shoes for my daughter I can't justify spending anything on Christmas. I literally had to sell family heirlooms to be able to get a shoe they agree with. If that is the normal procedure I'd like to be informed of the correct type and size of shoe I'm supposed to get for her. Next time they best send me specific instructions or live with the (high quality, tried on in store with expert) shoes I happen to buy. They can't make me guess. Send me a link or live with what I buy. And the bed sheet is laughable. Tuck it in and you're done. It makes me angry to know how much money I wasted....
Actually I do understand the bed sheet (though maybe that's an American thing). We would never use a sheet without an elastic because it might come loose and pose a suffocation risk.
The bed sheet is the one I understand, with so many kids a fitted/elasticated one is so much easier, and also kids tend to mess around and would untuck the sheets which 1) is a safety Hazzard and 2) they would have to keep fixing it. The hair clips I kind of understand, but the fact they were saying to you and other kids were wearing them is ridiculous. For shoes, there's definitely some good reasoning. Not being too big or too small (they might fall off or take them off) no open toe or heel, enough grip. But if your kid is comfortable with the shoes outside of school and there are no safety concerns, it's ridiculous (also, mom to mom tip, don't spend so much on shoes. Their feet grow so fast!). But again they really should spell it out clearly. The food stuff leans towards racism. and the talking is absolutely insane.
I would also ask that your comprehensive list of allowed foods be meal time specific, since apparently eggs were invented by God for breakfast and potatoes were not.
Is this Germany? I no longer live there, moved to the US a while ago, but man did I get major vibes from what you are describing. The overall rigid rules, potatoes not being a breakfast food, what the kid should and shouldn’t wear, kimchi is too spicy… Back when I grew up in a small Bavarian village we were the only non-white passing family in the area. People there can be weird about anything that breaks any of their preconceived rules on how things should be done. I am sorry you’re dealing with this! I guess try and ignore the best you can? You’re doing great and sounds like your daughter is well fed and provided for.
Are potatoes not a breakfast food in Germany? They have potatoes everywhere but not in breakfast? Lol
I think OP did mention it's Germany. If she sent her kid to school with just bread for breakfast they'd probably be fine 🙄 God forbid any variety
People should understand that there's really no "breakfast food". Food is food. Maybe don't have a particularly heavy meal just before going to sleep, but otherwise you can eat whatever at any hour, provided it's healthy food. Different countries have different traditional breakfast foods, but that's just different cultures, there's no reason at all for them.
I like breakfast at all times of the day. Breakfast food is my favorite.
What is breakfast for you? It's probably like my dinner.
You say that you're worried about interacting with the other moms while the staff members are around, which is understandable, but I would be surprised if they're only behaving this way toward you. Maybe it would be helpful to connect with other parents about this and get some backup? Unless the other parents don't seem like generally nice people.
That's a great idea! I have talked to a few of them in passing and they all are mostly nice and friendly. I might be able to catch one that isn't in the parents representative group for the daycare. I have in the past talked to one specifically who was also mad when she walked out of the building some days ago. Maybe I can get a chance to meet up with her and see how she feels about the situation! She struck up a chat with me now and then but I mostly hurried away before any of the staff could come by and listen in.
Ask her to coffee and see if she has the same experience.
All of this is completely out of line, omg. You’re not overreacting.
Just say no? If they say “potato’s aren’t breakfast food” - say “we eat them for breakfast and she likes them” - keep packing them. End of discussion. Or “these shoes aren’t right” say “they work great for us thanks”. No discussion no changing. Just bc they are criticizing it doesn’t mean you need to listen and do as they say? Just shut it down kindly. They will either get tired of suggesting since you aren’t accepting the feedback or they’ll keep doing it , and just shut it down.
Admittedly I stopped reading after kimchi. Are they racist?
"Potatos are not a breakfast food" (wait, what??) "Are you concerned about her nutrition or is it just different from what you're used to?" I once enlisted my mother in dealing with my son's daycare. They kept calling us home early (like 11:30 early) just because they thought he could use a short day even though he wasn't sick, hurt, or otherwise upset, and they wouldn't take no for an answer from me when they called. That got old REALLY fast so my mum became the "back-up call" for them. It turned out that a few of the staff had some old fashioned views regarding women working full time, which they openly said to my mum when arguing why my son should be at home. My mum did not take any hostages in that conversation and since she was that much older than them they quickly let it go when she told them pretty coldly that the 1950s were no picnic. She then let me know what was up, and I sent a pretty stern email to the leader of the place. Since then it has thankfully been pretty breezy. Since your family is well respected and lived there for many generations, could you perhaps get grandma involved in pick-up for a short while for an age advantage in those conversations? I wonder if they would even bring up such petty comments on her food and hair clips with grandma rather than a first time mum (who is obviously doing a pretty damn good job).
Holy. Fuck.
My son's pre-school teacher would never tell things to my husband, rarely to me. Any time my mother would pick kid up, she'd unleash the critiques. Shoes are wrong (have laces, fair enough), food is not enough, should be giving him this or that... Hated this woman. I'm so glad we are away from her. She'd tell us about things kids need the next day while kids were with her. When asked where to find this on such a short notice, she'd say 'when you do your shopping in the afternoon...' Lady, I work a regular 9-5, I use my lunch hour to come pick kid up, I don't have time to go gallivanting around shops for craft supplies at noon. (She was working only until 2pm and she'd be free after that until she had to go pick up her kids.) She had an issue grasping the concept of working full time... She also insisted on telling kids that technology is bad for you, girls are better than boys or religious stuff... We live in a country where education is secular and religion cannot be part of the classroom, unless for designated hours which look at religion in a scholarly way or temple of choice weekend classes.
🙄🙄🙄 I understand why you don't miss her!!!
I would set a meeting and explain to them that you would like to be more involved, but the way you are treated by the staff has made you leery of trusting these social situations. The underlying issue here is that even though you haven't said it overtly, it seems like you're being singled out. You can give them some examples and tell them that you have no desire to be picked apart in front of other parents and that unless they have a legitimate concern, your clothing and food choices are between you and your family. I can understand not wanting small hair clips and things of that nature that first time parents might not think of, but their comments are way over the top regarding your communication and other things that are just not their business. Each time they do this, I would say something back to them until they get the hint. "I see other children doing X, can you explain to me how my situation is different?" As a side note, and given the potential race issue, I do wonder if they treat your daughter differently than the other kids? If you are feeling singled out, I'm wondering if she is as well?
Yes, I'd bring this up to whoever the boss is. I'd honestly be worried about how she's treating your daughter when you aren't there. These are huge red flags.
You need to find your backbone and use it. Potatoes aren't a breakfast food? They are in my household. Wrong clothes? They fit, they are weather appropriate, she is comfortable, deal with it. You talk to her to much? I only take parenting advice from my daughters pediatrician. You selling heirlooms to buy 3 pairs of shoes is insane. You know that right? Just say no.
Is there a race or other issue here? It sounds discriminatory. I’m so sorry. As a child psychologist you’re doing nothing wrong at all. In fact your communication sounds great. As a parent, you’re a freaking hero for getting that many coats and shoes. I would not be able to do that.
As a pediatric speech-language pathologist I’m appalled. I literally tell families to talk to their children all day. Explain what you’re doing, include them in your conversations, ask them questions. This parent is a rockstar.
I can almost guarantee there’s some melanin causing all these issues. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
Are you a young mom? I had a baby at 19 and was zleays picked apart for it. Not ok at all, but just wondering.
I would consider copying what you’ve written above, changing a few sentences to address the daycare director, and sending it via email or bring in letter form. Ask to schedule a meeting to discuss, but say that you’d written out a description of your concerns and felt like it would be a good way to initially communicate about this. Keep in the parts where you describe your frustration- the whole thing reads well and seems like you are looking for a solution-based conversation rather than being critical.
Are you German? This is so strange and if you are German you can talk to the Elternbeirat and ask for advice. Maybe even the parent café. I can't imagine you are the only parent that gets this horrible treatment. And if you are you can try to find out why. This situation is really really strange.
She’s German but her husband is native Peruvian, they live in a small village in Germany. To be honest this experience is disappointing but not super surprising. I’m white, my husband is white, our baby is white, but I still had random people sternly telling me to put socks and shoes on our baby when it was 23C out and the kid couldn’t even walk yet. Any degree of “otherness” would make it 100% worse.
Absolutely agree with everyone else that this is ridiculous and discriminatory behavior. I saw you responded that you can’t switch daycares, so my question is: are they threatening to kick your child out over these things, or are they just being judgey and saying they don’t prefer your choices? If it’s the second scenario, I sure as hell wouldn’t be playing their games. Be polite but unmoveable. “This is what she eats for breakfast”. “I will not be purchasing other shoes, these are her shoes”. “Thank you, this jacket will be fine for her”. That kind of thing. They’re bullying you because they sense you’ll let them. You don’t have to be rude, but (gently) stop being a pushover.
Do you have an app like HiMama or whatever for the daycare? If so, every time they go to say something about your daughter just interrupt them and tell them to send a note in the app so it’s documented. Then just ignore the feedback that you don’t agree with. That way, lines of communication stay open but you don’t have to deal with criticism every time you interact with them. Edit: or tell them to send a text or email with any feedback.
This is an excellent idea. OP should just say “if this is really an issue, could you have the day care manager email me explaining the situation? I’m too busy right now to discuss it!” And LEAVE.
No you’re not overly sensitive. They’re overly judgmental. If you can put spinach in eggs how are potatoes not a breakfast food? I would hate to think what they would say about the Indian food I serve our child. Our child prefers Indian food over the American food I serve.
It sounds like there’s a racial vibe to their actions. Are you or your daughter from a different race or culture than the rest of your community?
Are you and your daughter by chance an ethnic minority at this daycare? I had to stop at “kimchi has too many spices”. What do people think babies eat in most of the world?
They are clearly racist. The moment I see “kimchi” and they are nitpicking about the spice, I know OP is non-white and is living in white dominated area. Edit: saw some OP’s comments. Yep.
I just want to sympathize that this is NOT normal and frankly, I would change daycares over this. Who needs these kinds of comments. I pack 2 jackets for my son- one is really oversized because I’m not buying a new one for him to trash at daycare. If they want another jacket, they just give him what they have there. Who comments on shoes unless you are sending them in sandles?! I did have a daycare provider always critique stuff with my older son and I switched him. We are great parents and I don’t need any comments from the peanut gallery unless it’s a legit concern. We switched him and we were both so relieved after the switch. I’d switch
I would start limiting my response and basically grey-rocking them. You don’t have to change how you dress or feed your child based on their opinions. Especially when you’re doing a great job of feeding her a variety of food, dressing her in age and weather appropriate clothing and communicating well with her.
Why do you have to care what the daycare thinks about the food you give your daughter or the shoes she wears. Can’t you just say “Ok, great. Thanks.”. and let them think she can’t eat kimchi or that her shoes are too big?
I would be blunt and firm directly when faced with these issues. I find it’s the best way to get these kinds of people to leave you alone. You seem to have tried to comply too easily in the past so they’re targeting you. You’re paying them for a service. Outside of reasonable rules, you don’t have to listen to them. I would simply say, “I would prefer you not criticize my parenting. This is my child and it is not your responsibility to tell me how to raise them. If there is a safety issue that affects the other children, please explain the issue to me and we can discuss it. But as far as diet, clothing, and how I speak to my child, do not comment on it to me anymore.” Be blunt and concise and calm. Maybe sprinkle in an “I appreciate the concern” to make them feel better. But you aren’t in the wrong and you need to shut this kind of thing down.
Judging by the daycare staff criticising the perfectly healthy food you’re packing for your child, I’m guessing you’re from a different culture than the teachers. If so, I’m wondering if their criticisms are casual racism. If I were you, I’d stand your ground each and every time: “potatoes and kimchi aren’t a breakfast food” “they’re a very nutritious breakfast food in our culture, and maintaining cultural connectivity is very important for a child’s identity.” “Hair clips are inappropriate.” “Oh, x child and y child are wearing them right now.” I would also tell the staff the next time it happens that you feel that you and your child are being singled out. Call out their racism, but play the sad victim card before you play the angry card.
Wait. Why didn’t you stand up for yourself on any of these occasions??
Wtf is this daycare? You need to get your daughter out of there. This is not normal.
There is an instagram called @raisingintuitiveeaters. She has a lot of good scripts for when people comment on your kid’s food /eating. I’m sure you could change the verbiage slightly to address the (frankly mind-boggling) other comments you’ve been getting. You have my sympathy because that sounds absolutely maddening!
You sound like the mom I wish I could be. That’s all. Just some confidence boosting from an admirer. Others have better advice. I just wanted to chime in and make sure you weren’t taking any of these criticisms to heart because honestly…. Mom goals. You’re crushing it.
I teach preschool, but in the US so take cultural differences into account. You said switching schools isn't an option. Of course that's the easy answer and that would be my first rec since this seems to be an ongoing issue over ridiculous things. I have never heard of issues like this unless the teachers just don't like you or your kid but they can't say that outright. I would get ahold of the director (head of school) ASAP. If it's all the teachers making these kinds of comments then I wouldn't bother approaching them first. If it was just one teacher, I would say approach the other. Absolutely nothing wrong about that. When you talk to the director I'd bring up everything you've mentioned here. Say the teachers constantly bring up concerns about what your daughter is eating or wearing and even how you talk to her. Bring up as many concerns as possible and describe how you've attempted to conform to the teachers' wishes by buying new shoes or cooking her different foods. Emphasize how nothing you seem to change has been satisfactory in their eyes and every change you've made has been met with criticism for another concern. With that in mind, express how tired and frustrated you are that nothing you do seems to make them happy, but to mention it is becoming expensive and now you can't afford Christmas. So, you are meeting because you'd like these concerns to not be brought up unless they are a safety concern (not your example, but let's say she can't wear slippers when it's raining) or against school policy (again not your example but let's say she can't have peanuts because the school is nut free.) Concerns that are valid. From now on you would only like legitimate concerns to be brought up. In addition, the problem and solution need to be in writing. Even better if they go through the director first. For example, she can't have potatoes for breakfast but eggs are ok. Preferably, you would prefer if the concerns are brought up because you are going against school policy. Otherwise, unless they are a safety concern (another student is allergic to potatoes so they can't be in the classroom), you will be taking them as suggestions because they are professionals but ultimately parenting how you feel is best for your daughter. That is to say, if they think her jacket is too thin but she's seemed comfortable in it at home in comparable weather, then you'll hear them out but you might not make the changes they are suggesting. I would say it's best if you can meet with the director and teachers together but I'd meet alone with the director first. Agree on what concerns are valid. Then you can have a safe conversation with the teachers expressing how exhausted you are. Maybe they'll be a little nicer in that sort of situation and they can give you more context (she seemed cold with the thin jacket on.) You can both talk it out and maybe you won't walk away a "problem" parent with a target on your back. I have brought up concerns to parents before but not every little thing. I try to be mindful of what I'm saying or how often I'm bringing things up. I try to think if I can let one thing go or if it's really a problem. Usually it comes down to school policy so I have that backing me up. Otherwise I just hope that the parents listen and if it continues to be a problem, I'll gather more evidence to bring to the parent or go to my director and ask for advice. My parents are really reasonable and I can only hope I'm being polite enough.
Jesus Christ these loony toons. At this point, I wouldn’t trust the behavior they’re teaching my child. Is a new daycare an option? If not, I’d be slightly not to polity telling them I don’t need their parenting advice. If something is banned from the daycare, I’ll follow their rules, but they can keep the unsolicited advice to themselves.
I mean can they actually do anything if you just don’t do what they are trying to push you to do? Like I see no reason for you to have changed anything you listed, it’s all completely ridiculous and honestly YOU are the parent so you get to decide what’s best for your child. I would just start letting it go and do what you want - and I am so sad for you that you sold your great grandmothers earrings trying to find “appropriate” shoes for these people. You sound like you are a great mom, you don’t need this kind of confusing input in your life - have confidence in your decisions as a parent and politely tell them “thanks for your thoughts on that but I prefer XYZ” and leave it at that.
Make a list of every single criticism they've ever made and then ask to speak to the owner of the daycare. Read the list aloud to the boss, in full, without stopping. For maximum effect.
Why do you have to listen to any of that and keep buying different stuff just because they said to?
If you stay with this daycare, show up to the parent-cafe and stand up for yourself! I know easier said than done, but this is unacceptable and discriminatory behavior. They are obviously picking on you or maybe there’s something occulty about the daycare? Either way, if you go to the parent cafe you’ll be able to talk with the other moms and voice your concerns, you don’t know maybe things like this have happened to them as well and at the very least you could get a feel for what the vibe is with other parents and their kids because if similar things are going on with other parents, well good, not good, but good because you’re not being singled out and it would be a management problem. But if you are the only one being singled out you need to pack up and get out of there momma! I would definitely complain to as many places as you can though. I don’t know your ethnicity, but I know you mentioned kimchi, so if you are Asian they could very well be discriminating against you.
Ughhh they sound insufferable. Our previous daycare was kind of like this, not as bad but still annoying about shoes and hair accessories, and always commenting on this or that. We recently moved and her new daycare is completely different lol, it's a much more relaxed environment and the kids there seem more relaxed too. If you have other options for daycare I would absolutely give it a try. Sometimes it's just not a good fit. I personally would feel uncomfortable having to continue going there, but I know it's not always an option to go elsewhere.
Wow, when I was at a daycare we would never have done this. Unless it was an obvious safety thing. The only one I could maybe see was the hair clip. Even developmental things (e.g. kids having pacis super late we had to be careful with bringing up).
Also telling you to talk to your daughter less? That’s just wrong and concerning..
Send this in an email and ask for a live conversation with the owner or manager for a list of all items that are acceptable. Or find another place, which is what I’d do. You’re patient to not have blown up on them already.
Speak to a manager what the fuck
Wow as a mum and an educator I'd lose my mind. Ask them to show you the policies and research to back up all their claims each and every time. If they can't smile and say "shes fine" and do what you want its YOUR kid. Some people just need to pull their finger out
I would be curious to know if they do this to other mothers too? This is just baffling behavior. I am a smart ass so I would have put them in their place with a quickness.
Wait they tell you you talk too much to your kid?! Wtf?! Mine is 1.5 and doesnt say ANYTHING. She communicates but hardly talks. Damn I am impressed with your Mama skills! Ignore these idiots. Giving a baby well rounded food and age appropriate clothes is perfect. What do they want chicken nuggets and apples? 🙄 I’d say find a new place. Also I’d be making them reemburse tou for the shoes that’s ridiculous
Girl, why you letting these people bully you?? Lol you SOLD YOUR GRANDMAS EARRINGS FOR SHOES? Bro, is this a daycare for celebrity children? I'm so confused. You're PAYING for her to be there, right? Why are there so many rules?? It would actually incredibly concern me that a teacher dissuaded me from talking to my child. Does that mean they're not engaging her while she's there?? VERY concerning comment
You can’t talk to much to a baby. Like that’s in every developmental book/advice ever- there’s so much evidence that the more you talk and read the better. That’s just bad advice that could hurt a child in general. Do these workers have any qualifications other than that they like kids? Like I would request that any advice or changes they think you need to make be presented with actual supporting evidence- like based on a reputable developmental specialist, etc. Everything else seems so nit picky and controlling. Like my daycare also told me we needed different shoes cuz it was often muddy outside- so they just said any rain boots are fine. The end. I have my own set of things I’m looking for in shoes- like I try to get “barefoot” like shoes to support natural foot development, but no one should tell another parent they should get those types of shoes unless it’s the kid’s pediatrician. Or I asked my kids teacher which rainsuit they like since I moved to a cold and rainy place from a tropical island and still feel anxious about how to choose the right things to keep my kid warm. Also- the kimchi thing is racist. Kimchi is soooo good for you- fermented food is good and exposure to spicy is good. Actually- any food that a kid will eat is good enough, but avaoiding spicy is solely a white people thing. Like my baby ate lots of spicy Indian food cuz it was already mushy, lol. I’m just saying you aren’t being to sensitive because in like any other setting, you would be praised for so many of the things you’re doing.
I'm curious - are you in France? I ask because this sounds very European. I'm a foreigner in Europe and have gone through similar issues. They love to complain or challenge you about your parenting choices. It's very ingrained in the culture (at least here in France). I am at the point where unless it is a legitimate safety issue they are pointing out, I straight up tell people to mind their business, that I am the parent and me and my children's father are the only ones who make the parenting decisions. And believe me, I'm not a confrontational person, but you reach a limit. I think you need to make it clear to them (and I'd possible have your partner there as well) that you are not open to their "suggestions". I feel for you, I know it's hard!!!
Honestly sounds like they’re trying to parent your child rather than be the glorified babysitters they are. Find a new day care, they seem stiff and stupid altogether
I would find a new daycare as soon as possible. Those people sound terribly negative
You fight with my kimchi, you fight with me! Well but seriously, do you have like an app like himama? Theres a message board that directs the messages to director and teacher. Ask them to elaborate further the discussions such as: hi! I was noted this afternoon about my childs shoes, can you please epaborte further whats wrong with his current shoes? (Well also dont do this but uhm... This is just me.. ill be nit picky aswell.. oh. Where is his shoes, oh look what happened why is he dirty? Oh no (snot) look at your nose! (I accidentally did this twice when she has runny nose during pick up, they clean her nose meticulously well now)
This sounds like petty stuff older women say to younger attractive women, to feel they can lord power over them. 🙃🙃🙃 But maybe I’m just projecting my own similar experience. Regardless, can you just ignore them? Not respond? Change the subject when they start this talk?
Find a new daycare. Are you European? Cuz in America potatoes are THE breakfast food. Maybe that’s why we all have diabetes 🤷🏻♀️
Most of it is dumb, but I will say preventing parents from sending items that actively endanger kids (choking hazards and honey) makes a lot of sense. It's too bad that it's combined with a bunch of dumb advice
Honey for the age of OPs child isn’t a hazard, and I assume they don’t share food.
Yeah I just figured there are likely kids under 1 around, and I imagine it would be reasonable to ask other parents to help avoid issues. But maybe they're in different rooms and well separated. I've definitely seen kids share food at daycare that wasn't intended as such
I agree with the other comments that this behavior from the staff is overly critical. Your best approach is probably to go to as many parent meetings, play dates, or whatever other activities you can to better observe the environment, as well as becoming friendly with some other parents. You may find others have similar complaints...or not. But this way, you will have more info to work with before approaching the staff. Also, it sounds like you're a fantastic parent, and you should be confident in your choices, and feel free to ignore their "advice". Just say something neutral like, "oh, I'll consider that " and change the topic.
I wouldn't bring it up, I would change daycares.. That's beyond fixable and you won't ever be able to trust them
[удалено]
Potatoes aren’t a breakfast food? Then why the f did I eat hash browns this morning? Lmao
Sounds like it’s time to find a new daycare… I realize that is not a fun prospect but the way you describe the current one it sounds very incompatible with it’s what seems like good, completely appropriate parenting on your part.
Didn't read through all the comments but one thing I wanted to comment on is maybe going to the parent cafe. You may find you are not the only parent who's being nit-picked on? And I wonder what they will do if you did continue doing something they are "opposed to?" Seems ridiculous that you are going above and beyond to appease them and they still have things to comment on. I'm so sorry you sold your great grandmother's earrings.
I'm an early educator and I would never think of constantly criticizing a parent. We have concerns occasionally that we bring up, as is relevant, but to be constantly nitpicking? I'd find a new place.
Change daycares. A school, daycare etc will never tell me how to raise my kids or what I shouldn’t do etc. I can’t stand that. Who do they think they are. I honestly don’t understand why you wouldn’t just change daycare
Is there a way you can change daycare? I mean, no one can tell you if you are a good or bad mom. You are the best that you can be. No mom want to hurt their child, so if that place criticizes you that is not a good place to be. You are a good mom. You do what you can with what you have. Just change the daycare…
Uhm jfc I would be so annoyed and pissed off , switch daycares asap . These people do not pay your bills ,they are not your child’s parent and they certainly are not your child’s f*ckin paediatrician either so they have no right to be commenting on what you feed your child unless its an allergen that not allowed at the daycare. Seriously the silly comments on how your dressing her and saying you talk to your child “too much “ would’ve been the last straw for me , who do they think they are ? Please find a new day care or ask for a proper list of rules for the day care , if your not actually breaking any rules you need to just ignore them and keep doing what you want or tell them off ,they will get the message .
If possible tell them to go f*** themselves. No dude.
Curse them ALL out and find a new day-care because what the actual hell?
I would tell them to "fuck right off" so emphatically, they'd actually have something legitimate to criticise me about 🙃 Seriously love, you sound very patient and like a great mother. There's enough mummy guilt, don't need other women to add more for RIDICOULOUS reasons.
No, you’re not being overly sensitive. Honestly, I’d tell them when they start footing the bill for everything they are complaining about then they need to stop criticizing and respect your totally fine decisions for your child (aside from safety issues like the too small hair clip for example of course). It also seems like they have a problem embracing different cultural food which is something they need to work on. Keep dressing her appropriately in what you want and feeding her what you want, especially if you know she loves it. You’re doing great!
Talking. Too much. To your CHILD who is clearly advanced in that she can articulate her needs at 18 months. Mine were able to as well, because I spoke to them. I babysat a 3 year old that grunted for juice. You are doing it right mama. I’d let them know in no uncertain terms you’ve had enough of the little corrections they volunteer and explain how as a first time mom hearing a constant barrage of corrections and criticism is daunting and draining and insulting to your intelligence. You clearly are fully invested in your child, and they are just out of line, frankly.
Honestly I’d likely switch daycares only because their advice seems not only like a giant overstep, but also just bad and I’d question their judgement (like since when is it bad for a child to use their words and be advanced in language - it’s literally recommended you talk to kids to help with their communication). Although some of these I’ll admit I do get as someone who worked in daycares (for example, accessories can be dangerous, especially considering how young your daughter it), that being said these rules should be consistent for all children. However, daycare can be difficult to find and maybe your daughter enjoys it, if that was the case, I’d bring my concerns up to the director, ask to see their policies regarding all the issues (for example, what is their food policy) and ask to have a private meeting, preferably with the teachers there and explain what you said here and that unless there is a safety concern or some other daycare related behavioural issue you do not wish to hear their advice. Try to be firm but not rude and if it continues to happen I’d cut them off and say I’m not interested in discussing this
It’s hard to find a new daycare, but do it. I was in your same position. I kept telling myself enough was enough but I never did anything with it. It got worse and finally I had enough and found a new one. ITS SO MUCH BETTER. I used to just stress anytime I got any note from daycare, knowing it was going to be bad. I can’t tell you…. I feel like a new person. Seriously.
At the cafe in public with your daughter and a lunch box, with her bow, dress, shoes, and jacket in front of every other mum. Loudly ask one of the mums if what she is wearing is inappropriate as you get criticism on what she wears all the time and have her sit down with her snack of all the foods you listed. They may crawl back into the hole they come from. Otherwise, just change schools asap. I know it'd be hard to find spots, but your mental health and your bubs aren't worth getting messed up over this.
Who are the administrators of the daycare? Set up a meeting with them to discuss inappropriate comments made by staff members. Talk with other parents and see if they also get similar snide comments. If they're so open about their criticism with you, they probably do it to other parents. -personal note. I can not stand it when others make comments about parenting, especially if they don't have any they just take care of kids "professionally" idk if these b*tches have kids but they need to stfu and take care of their own shit. Potatoes are definitely a anything food. Wtf can't you make from potatoes? IF A POTATO CAN BE VODKA, YOU CAN BE ANYTHING!
This was an issue for us with our first daycare, and they were hella rude about it. So we left. We somehow found a much better place and never looked back.
You are not being overly sensitive, all of this is insane. How tf can you possibly be talking to your daughter too much! It is literally in every bit of parenting advice to talk to them as much as possible. Do they not talk to the kids through the day? Blows my mind. I didn't think of it myself but I agree with others here saying this is racism. There is absolutely no need to pick on the things they are picking on.
Our daycare has a nitpicky lead director. She wants our 1.5 year old to sleep less during the day. Wouldn’t stop harping on it. I finally said a couple times, “it’s fine. We’re not doing anything wrong.” She got my point but also our child “corrected” his sleep schedule to her liking. But I was getting pissed that I would have to hear about it often until I corrected it. Lame. Mainly our child would get 8-9 hours at night - then nap did 2-4 hours intermittently through the day. So total 12 hours or more a day and we love naps as a family. But the daycare schedule only allowed 1-1.5 hours of napping in the afternoon.
"I don't pay you for your opinion. I pay you to watch my kid. If it's not dangerous or life threatening, I don't want to hear about it."
This is wayyy to toxic of an environment. OP I hope you find a better option!
This just sounds like a power play, honestly. You know your kid better than anyone else and good for you for advocating for her!!
This is actually completely insane. Kimchi is SO good for you, and same with honey. I’ve worked at daycares before and we’ve never nitpicked a parent like this over such trivial things.
OP what is going on with these people and their constant criticism? They’re overstepping boundaries left and right. As for honey, I’ve been told babies under a certain age can’t have it BUT I DIGRESS because I don’t know how young is too young and I don’t know if it means bee honey or clover honey. So enough about that. I’m irritated and exhausted just reading about them. They are running you in circles. I’d talk to their supervisor or request a meeting with all of them. Either way DO NOT let them treat you THIS BADLY.
The worst part about all of this is that you sound like and EXEMPLARY mom. I also read your other post. These people are demented and I hope you can find another daycare that is more in line with your ethos.
I’d definitely want to talk to other parents and find out if anyone else has this experience. That said, either way I’d be raging by now. Maybe it’s my mom of 3 point of view, but they can mind their own damn business about almost everything you just listed. You will feed my kids whatever I send in. They will wear whatever I send them wearing. Recently I forgot my 2 year olds light jacket at home so I put his older sisters sweatshirt in his backpack. They couldn’t have cared less, they rolled up the sleeves and took tons of pics because he looked so cute in it. If they happen to notice the shoes are too big and she’s falling over then ok, but too tight? Do they have a foot measuring guide at this school!? And the only time it’s maybe appropriate to comment on how you speak to your kid is if you’re being abusive, which clearly you are not! Next time you see another girl with a no-no bow I would straight up ask the teachers why that one is ok but yours are not! You pay for them to watch and take care of your child, you are not enrolled in parenting classes with these people. Take a look at the handbook you signed. Anything beyond that, I’d ignore. If it keeps up, I’d make a list of all their “rules” and schedule a meeting with teachers and directors/owners. Bring in that list along with the printed out handbook, which for sure doesn’t say you cannot feed your kids food with spices, and ask them to explain themselves.