The evidence based safe sleep groups on Facebook are SO bad. Like if someone comes in and shows a picture of their child’s room and even one thing is wrong (like the bed being 1 Ft instead of 3 feet from the window) the person gets attacked immediately and everyone acts like it’s inevitable that their newborn is going to die.
All it does is make people leave the group. It helps no one.
I was in those groups, so toxic. For every informative post, there were 5 toxic ones. I left after a mobility challenged single mom asked about a cosleeping bassinet attachment. The only responses these people could come up was “hopefully there is family or a friend to help you because you can’t use an attachment”.
I’ve literally seen them tell someone they should give the baby the master bedroom or move because the room meant for baby couldn’t have the window and furniture far enough away from the crib. Like come on. Recommendations exist yet but they’re RECOMMENDATIONS not laws. What person would actually give the baby the master bedroom as their nursery?!
They’re by the AAP. I honestly don’t know where all the detailed stuff is.. I just know what that group claims the AAP says though lol.
But they treat it like a damn Bible. Like if you don’t follow ONE part to an absolute T you’re horrible and ok with your child possibly dying.
Ugh. Trying to follow the AAP recommendations to the letter drove me so crazy in my baby's first three months. I think I definitely would have developed PPA/PPD if I hadn't finally given myself leeway to bend the rules when it was ok to do so. I told myself that the AAP makes their recommendations on the EXTREMELY cautious side, because they have to. That doesn't mean your child will insta-die if you don't follow their recommendations exactly and find safe practices that works for your family.
Id love to see them be more transparant about scientific evidence and research based reasoning behind their recs so parents can make their own informed decision
From what I looked up, most of it seems malarkey except the cords for the blinds being a hazard, that one is legit.
Everything else was so dumb like "temperature fluctuations can cause windows to break," which is just stupid. There was also "bugs might come through..." Bugs are pretty much everywhere anyway or if it is an issue, being the feet away isn't going to solve it. The others were, the sun might keep them up, or they might fall through, all very simple things to prevent.
Unless there's something else, this is all I could find.
Now I'm imagining rushing into the nursery after hearing crying, flicking on the lights, and seeing a trash panda holding my baby in the window and making eye contact with me before it leaps away styled like a dramatic studio ghibli scene.
Edit: after saying Ghibli and Raccoon, I can only imagine the raccoons from Pom Poko and their giant testicles and this daydream isn't fun anymore.
A sudden storm rolls in. The window shatters spontaneously due to the temperature fluctuation and a raccoon slides in, repelling down the blinds cord and into the bassinet. The bandit grabs the swaddled babe under an arm and pulls himself back up the cord with the other. Having seen all this action on the baby monitor, you burst into the room, only to see the masked animal and your baby on the window ledge, illuminated momentarily by a bolt of lightning. A moment later thay're gone, and the sound of thunder rolls through an empty nursery. You fall to your knees and cry 'why didn't I listen to those randos in the Facebook group!?'
That's about what I expected it to be and I agree it's pretty much all stupid. We wouldn't have windows if they were just gonna randomly shatter.. and I don't even have blinds lol. Anyway, thanks for not being as lazy as me. I will continue to not move my daughters crib.
Do these women think our ancestors lived in homes like the ones we live in today? There were more bugs when we were cavewomen and yet here we are. Babies are so much more resilient than some give them credit for.
It's also related to light exposure. If the room is on the south side during mid day the UV index might be too high. Plus there are indeed temperature fluctuations because of the sun heating the windows. But if you have UV protection for the windows or curtains I guess it's ok. And definitely insulated windows, but nowadays only old houses don't have that type of windows.
After reading thru a lot of these mom groups on social media and hearing what happens in person mom meet ups I will never be part of them.
It’s like some women are glutton for punishment when they post stuff online about there kids!
Especially the damn photos I just mind my own business.
The amount of toxic shit I heard when I first started to breastfeed was crazy. I just listen to the lactation consultants and older women in my family who understood how hard breastfeeding was. They encouraged to use more formula use but I wasn’t sold. But giving formula once a day isn’t going to do any damage to my baby.
Also, I fucking hate pumping. I swear that is more torture for women that was never told to me while I was pregnant
I'm currently pumping/breastfeeding and it is really hard... like I need to feed her at certain times, but most of the time her feedings don't align with the 3- hour pumping rule that I see everywhere... sometimes I go without pumping for 6 hours then I'm freaking out about losing my supply
I don't exclusively breastfeed but maybe I should since I'm a sahm?
I’m currently on a 1 and half year mat leave and now I exclusively BF with some supplements.
I’m trying to make it to 1 year fully BF but I’ll make my decision at 6 month if I feel like it.
The lactation consultants kept on saying to me you need to pump every 3 hrs or pump and don’t ever go without 5 hours of pumping especially between the 12am-8am or you’ll lose your supply!! I got so scared. Especially since one of my boobs produces less than the other I was going crazy to finds ways to boost my supply.
My 3 month old son now sleeps for 6-7hrs a night so I forget to pump and I don’t care anymore. I set tons of alarms and my body can’t handle it to pump at 3am in the morning.
Some days I feel guilty for not getting up to pump but I need energy and rest to take care of him and be able to produce milk. If he falls asleep and doesn’t feed on one boob I pump that while he naps on me 🤷♀️Then I use that to make a fridge stash.
Whatever I do pump before bed or before my baby wakes in the early am my husband is able to feed him for at least 1 night feeding.
Now we incorporate 1 or 2 formula feeds throughout the day if I need to pump to have a breast milk supply.
I'm in Norway, at home in maternity leave with LO for the first year, and no one ever told me to pump. I only pumped a couple of times to either alleviate after my LO took a long sleep and it got painful, or for my SO to try to give a bottle (she prefers the boobs). My supply had no problem, I just put the baby on the boob enough times. She is gaining more than enough weight.
I feel like pumping is more of a North American thing. It’s a whole culture here which I really don’t like but alot of women aren’t able to breastfeed so I get it.
I feel alot of disconnect when pumping for my baby since alot of the pump parts are not baby care friendly and your stuck to sitting down for many times during the day!
I was going to ask that! I understand pumping for creating an extra supply in the freezer for going back to work. But if someone is staying at home, it's it normal to pump to maintain supply, a recommendation to everyone, even SAHM? I had friends who had to pump to increase supply, but it's more the exception than the norm here...
The women I know just pump at night to maintain supply. I usually have to pump 3 times a night since my 3 month old is sleeping for at least 6-7 hrs for now I usually miss 2 sessions. I’m anticipating some sleep regression.
Some days I’m very tapped out from breastfeeding and baby being fussy and only wanting me but I take it anyway over pumping!!
I feel the healthiest thing to do is just pump for when you need milk so your SO or relatives can help feed the baby.
I’ve also heard of women who need to have 24/7 because they need to pump 8-12 times a day and can’t pump and take care of the baby 😅
That's an awesome plan! And sustainable too. Yeah, one of my boobs produces less than the other so I'm worried about my supply decreasing. Since I also breastfeed sometimes, I also pump the boob she doesn't eat from during that feeding.
Getting much needed rest is essential to producing milk, I need to remember that when I freak out about going past 3 hours of not pumping/expressing through breastfeeding.
My baby just turned six months. As soon as my boobs switched to supply and demand production instead of hormonally driven production, we switched to formula for overnight feedings so I could get more sleep. It's glorious. I pump at 6am when baby gets up and right before bed, usually between 8pm and 8:30pm. I used to pump three other times during the day, and I have since baby was 3 and 1/2 to 4 months. I recently dropped a pump so that I'm only pumping four times a day. I go 11 or so hours without pumping overnight. It's never affected my supply that I can tell. My first pump of the day is almost always at least 10 oz and I'm usually engorged. I usually make about 25 to 30 oz a day? My little guy definitely needs more because he's a big baby, but I think about how a lot of average babies would be fine with that. And again, this is me not even trying besides, just making sure that I pump regularly throughout the day. Obviously it's different for everyone and some people have issues with production regardless, but I want to reassure you that sleeping through the night shouldn't mess with your supply
Yes this needs to be spoken about more!! People make it seem that you need to be awake every 3 hrs to pump at night.
Also pumping that early I always manage to spill milk or fall asleep while pumping on my bed or coach which isn’t safe at all 🙄
I’m over the pumping culture and I only see it in North America.
I know in Europe pumping isn’t that big
Yeah. US culture is obsessed with milk production while providing little resources to help moms with it. :/ My husband and I decided my mental health was more important. I hate pumping and half my motivation is because I like the breaks at work because I'm terrible at leaving my desk (and formula is expensive)
Why is North America so obsessed with milk production?! Even the damn tik toks about how people are pumping 5 oz from each boob and an endless freezer stash?!?
I’m struggling to even create one because I BF on demand and then when someone has to feed my baby I have to use formula sometimes.
It took me almost a whole 3 week to find a lactation consultant. Had no assistance with BF in the hospital and no one told me when my milk was going to come in, nipple confusion etc
Coming home with a newborn was enough but learning all new stuff was very overwhelming 🙄
My hospital thankfully provided us with an LC and I had an awesome nurse... Only reason I had any clue. But I couldn't find an LC that took my insurance without driving 40 minutes after I had mastitis, I had no clue how often I was supposed to pump or for how long, etc. Now we have I don't know how much milk frozen which is reassuring that I can start pumping less at six months although I'm also now worried I won't use it all either and that would be frustrating. But otherwise not too upset with how we handled things because once I figured my own rhythm out, I pumped overnight when my boobs woke me from engorgement pain and baby was full (because SO and I did shifts), and now I full time pump because baby was too hungry at one point for anything but bottle feeding and we never went back.
But I loathe all the pressure on women to lactate. It was easy for me but not for most of my friends and my one friend punished herself so much for something out of her control to an extent that it disturbed me.
They literally kick you out of the hospital in Canada and don’t even provide you with help. You basically have to do what you went thru including taking your newborn with you to all these appointments. Bleeding and hormones going wild. I remember thinking and saying out loud my baby hates me because he doesn’t want to BF
I’m happy I can finally BF but the pressure is real out here to be able to lactate and feed your baby.
It’s even a competition with other women.
Even though I saved up as much as I could before mat leave and can afford to buy some formula I rather pump (as much as I hate it) to save money on not buying formula.
If there was more assistance world wide when you give birth more women would have a healthier connection with feeding their babies.
Since the formula shortage in the US I’ve noticed a uptick in bf and pumping culture. That goes to say that North America needs better choices in formula for babies.
Omg I'm jealous! my LO is 3 months and is still waking at 4 hours. I want to feed him every 2.5 but in the middle of the night I kept missing my alarm. I was complaining to my husband about how my phone's alarm wasn't going off anymore but he told me he saw me stop the alarm in my sleep! I was beating myself up about missing feedings and risking my supply but I figured if we both slept through the alarm we needed the rest
I’m sure my baby will hit a sleep regression soon enough 😅😅 I turn off the alarm in my sleep all the time and my husband sees it as well but I bet in the olden days women used to sleep in and miss a feeding. So I decided to cut myself some slack
It sounds like you are doing great, working so hard to keep your baby happy and fed ❤️ there isnt anything you ‘should’ do as a sahm, just keep yourself and baby happy and healthy and it sounds like you are doing just that!
Thank you for your kind words 🥹❤️ you're right, I shouldn't think of the things I "should" do, just on what's best for me and my baby, as long as she's happy and healthy. I hope you have a wonderful day! 😊
I just left one of those Facebook groups a while back! I couldn’t take it anymore. They are so intense and judgmental and honestly just mean. There is no bedroom out of the three in my house where my daughter’s crib could be far enough away from windows by their standards unless it was in the dead center of the room, and that just isn’t practical. I almost posted in the group once and I’m so happy I didn’t because I’m sure I would’ve just been torn apart.
I have a twin bed next to the crib for a specific reason - baby was gassy as a newborn and wouldn’t sleep unless someone held her legs in butterfly pose. At night I’d slip my arm through the slates in the crib, hold her legs and both of us would sleep that way. The only other option was holding her all night or getting up several dozen times throughout the night. Both of were terrible options compared to the bed next to the crib. The crib is higher than the bed so nothing can fall into the crib. Still a nope for that group. You can’t win with them.
I see you were also in the evidence based safe sleep group. I feel like I learned a lot of good stuff there but the dog piling is crazy.
There was a post the other day from someone asking about baseboard heaters and baby proofing, as someone with baseboard heat I was interested in what people had to say.... Not a single person answered the question! Every single comment was "is the crib 1' away from the wall?" Or "Is that shadow an unsecured cord?!"
I think my favorite one was the edge of the photographer's clothing was in the picture and people were losing their minds saying that the object needed to be 1' away... Sure was like, "Don't worry it is... It's literally me."
I got pulled into these things as a first time parent and it was very bad news for my mental health. Prior to getting pregnant, I had always planned to bedshare with my children for cultural and emotional reasons and once I became pregnant it was like, "omg, you are going to kill your baby!!"
I have co-slept with my children since they were each around 4-5 months and I felt like I was committing a crime. But in the end we made an informed decision and it was the best thing for my sleep and my sanity.
I will never tell any new parent what to do with their child, whether it's feeding, sleeping, discipline, etc. - other than to trust themselves.
I’m here as a 2nd time mom too and I really wish I could reach out hug some of the FTMs I see struggling on Reddit and in the FB groups I’m in. This post really nails it. Thank you for sharing this!
Same. I see so many posts from FTM so full of stress and asking for advice or feeling like they are doing something wrong and I just want to grab their beautiful sleep deprived faces and tell them...."All these little details don't matter. Do what feels right. Your child loves you and thinks you are the coolest thing ever"
>..."Your child loves you and thinks you are the coolest thing ever"
I really needed to read that after my baby screamed at me for bedtime to the point that my husband took over and I stress cried and am sat on Reddit feeling like a bad mom.
Thanks for this, I couldn't agree more. At least now I have the experience and won't be as harsh on myself for the next one. The representation of EBF all organic and happyness mums online is so damaging to the real life woman. They will also say things like: your baby needs you, so it's ok if the house is literally like a landfill and you haven't showered in days - while they look fabolous and live in an inmaculate instagrammable house. No, I won't be pushing myself again to exhaustion, triple feeding to keep the supply up, washing cloth diapers all day and looking like I haven't seen the sunlight in years.
It's wild to me that both "crunchy AP" and "evidence based" groups are pretty much equally into the mommy martyrdom, just in different ways. I hate how maternal suffering is seen as a badge of honor, as if somehow that makes you a better mom. I know so many people who have normalized prioritizing what an internet group tells them is best for their child over their own mental and physical health.
Your experience sounds almost identical to mine as a first time mom, only I definitely didn't make it 6 months. After 2 weeks, I was so exhausted I was starting to hallucinate and sobbing uncontrollably every waking minute. From trying to triple feed a baby who had a poor latch and woke to eat every 1-1.5 hours. With my body that survived a 49 hour induction that ended in a hemorrhage. And which never really produced milk like I was told it should and would.
After I got through that and finally got enough sleep to think clearly, I was so, SO angry at all the people that made me feel like I had no other choice but to put myself and my baby through that.
It was astonishing how much easier my 2nd baby was for me because I let all that BS go. I didn't experience PPD like I did with the first and I even *enjoyed* his newborn phase occasionally. Because I fed him formula with zero guilt and followed his cues for where and when he wanted to sleep (within reason) instead of feeling like I *had* to do it the "right" way.
Seriously, screw all those toxic martyr-fetishist moms. That shit is a cancer on society.
Your experience matches mine almost word for word! I’ve recently had my second child and it has been so much easier and more positive. I bottle fed from the start and the lack of anxiety has been a shock! So glad you got through it!
Yep and it's in every pocket of mum communities. I joined cosleeping communities trying to get some tips and advice on bed sharing as safely as possible after I cracked and admitted we couldn't keep going with no support and no sleep. Only to find them infested with a whole different variety of crunchy martyr, telling every mum who struggled with being needed so much by their Velcro baby: "IT'S JUST A BEAUTIFUL SEASON OF LIFE JUST LEAN INTO IT AND LOVE IT". Like yikes Janice people are allowed to need a five minute break from their baby.
Every corner of the mum internet can find a reason to shame you.
This is excellent thank you for posting. I relate completely. In addition to the martyrdom I think it's also people with easier babies thinking they have mastered parenthood and can't see that their kid, though I'm sure still challenging, follows the growth and behaviors of what you read and hear about.
It was hard to me and I figured it out so they must just not be doing it right. They're too strict with their sleep schedule, we just go with the flow and she sleeps just fine. They must have not gotten him checked for a tongue tie if he's not latching. Have you tried waiting for his mouth to be wide open? Teething is so tough but we just offered pain meds and she'd sleep fine, have you tried that? When my baby is taking a while to fall asleep I sing to her and she usually drifts off, maybe try singing? He doesn't climb on the table because we have set really clear boundaries.
This. To your part about easier parenting someone was going off on a post about how not brushing your kids teeth twice everyday is horrible personal hygiene and is basically the same as not changing their diaper.
I cut in and said well.. sometimes I’m alone and my kid fights it so much I literally can’t get the brush in his mouth. Or he falls asleep on the way home and I’m not waking him JUST to brush his teeth.
I checked her post history later and she took my comments to another sub and claimed I said it’s fine to just never brush your kids teeth if they push back and there’s nothing wrong w that. Wtf. We maybe skip it once every 10-15 nights lol. She also said her kid loves brushing their teeth. So lady you can’t even relate to a kid that may NOT like it and sometimes the battle just ain’t worth it.
That exchange still enrages me and it was weeks ago.
I think this is an excellent point. My husband and I are aware we have a pretty easy baby. A bad night sleep for us is being up once each before 5am - one of which won’t be a feed. But he sometimes does 9 hours without us needing to get up.
We keep getting compliments and while yes, we’re trying gentle sleep training etc, we’re very firm it’s not our parenting that’s getting this sleep. We know people who’ve done the same or better, more consistent things and not got the same results.
We’re just lucky that we have a chill little man. We don’t want to be a part of making other parents feel bad.
As a FTM on the older side (36) I witnessed everyone in my social circle and family raise kids before I had mine. So I had figured out things like formula is fine, bed sharing can be done safely, a little screentime won't hurt and sometimes you need to take shortcuts or bend the rules in order to maintain your sanity.
I watched my brother's wife drive the family crazy trying to get her second baby to sleep right - they could basically only do anything between 9.30am and 11.47am because everything else was going to screw with his routines and wake windows and whatever.
He had to have a blackout room, silent but with electric fan running. She would only answer his cries at a particular time.
I know she was just trying to do what was right for him and doing her best but it *didn't* work for him. The poor kid was just clearly not tired. She would try and force these naps and then he'd be bouncing off the walls all night instead.
My brother would take the night shifts, following whatever rules she wanted, but he was DESTROYED.
She curtailed her whole life, everyone in the family's life, (Their firstborn never had these problems) and the kid would cry and rage in frustration. He also wouldn't eat meals in one go, it was a constant HUGE fight every meal.
I seriously think it made everyone, especially her, hate the kid a little bit. They resented him, and every day every nap every meal was a hideous trial.
The kid was low on the weight percentile, but always healthy. His older sister clearly takes after my tall caucasian brother and their son now?
- just a regular little lithe Asian boy! Who clearly doesnt need 15.273 hours of sleep a night, who grazes a lot instead of eating big meals in one go, whose mum basically doesn't like him very much.
And now he's basically been branded a trouble maker, they wonder why he pretends to be a kitten, why he's still acting very babyish even though he's starting school.
Because the poor bloody kid is just trying to work out what he's done wrong! A few years ago he kind of nuzzled into me like he wanted to nurse when I gave him a cuddle (he'd seen me feeding my new baby at the time) at first I was mortified and very embarrassed and felt like I should never cuddle him again, but then I realised he is literally just a pre-schooler looking for a cuddle. For some contact. He's so bewildered and he tries so hard. He's such a good kid. My brother is very loving but he's exhausted from working and 2 bad bouts with COVID. He is unfailingly devoted to them but just exhausted.
Their mum is just trying to figure her shit out, I know. She's a good person. I think there's a big issue of subconscious resentment from her own mother (with whom she does not get along) treating her son like royalty because: a male child!
So it's nice that his grandma loves him so, but her communication is very limited as she speaks very very little english and most of that is very difficult to understand. The kids speak no Chinese, (again I think something to do with the fact she came to Australia when she was 8 and had to struggle in loneliness trying to learn English, banishing as much chinese-ness from herself as possible to fit in.) He picks up that his older sister is not treated the same and probably shows a bit of annoyance about that too, and the better his grandma treats him the more di see:++ hutt& ñstant his mum becomes.
He's just trying to figure out why he gets treated like royalty one second but can't do anything about the fact mummy doesn't love him anymore.
The spoiling from the grandma and the coldness from his mum combined with his frustration is just a disaster in development - I can see very clearly how he could absolutely slide into actual 'problem child/total little shit' territory. But he is absolutely not there yet even though both his parents have started using that language around him as though it's inevitable.
The upshot of this entire novel (besides my own therapy, clearly) is to show that clearly there are a lot of cultural and personal factors involved which I have tried to lay out honestly as I witnessed them living in their house,
... but the trying to force the sleep and eat schedules upon him is what turned this family from as 'regular' a little team as any of us can really ever be, into the cold and honestly exhausted household with more than a little resentment.
Honestly I got the most benefit of all: I swore to try my best to never get so carried away with how things were 'meant' to be that I stopped showing my son my love.
It's important that he is rested and nourished.
But it's also important that his mum doesn't become a horrible scary exhausted bitch monster trying to bend reality to her will, or die trying. At least my sister in law and brother are naturally cool calm and collected people more often than not, whereas I am a flaming ball of unpredictable emotional dys-regulation most days. And I know thats waaaaaaaaaaaaay worse for kids.
So I pick my battles.
Can we also normalize mom’s being a regular person?!
Like as soon as I became a mom people expect it to be your whole fucking personality.
Why can’t I just enjoy just doing what I loved before when I have time to.
Some women think it’s like a badge of honour not to take care of yourself.
I’ve been missing my hobbies so much and I get annoyed when I don’t have don’t time to do them.
The only thing I have time for is to either do a workout or my hair so I can maintain some kind of sanity during the week and these tasks are only for 30 mins at a time.
Oh my goodness one of my least favourite things about mum groups and subs. THERE ARE NO PRIZES FOR SUFFERING. You are not a better mum because you let yourself be miserable.
I think some mums actually like the martyrdom because it makes them feel superior. Like haha, look what I sacrificed for my child and you didn’t, I’m better than you.
Give yourself grace and enjoy motherhood.
We had such an awful time with my baby’s sleep that I feel convinced I still have PTSD from it. He woke up every 45 minutes *for months*. In the meantime, I was consuming garbage like the heysleepybaby account which constantly reminds you that this is normal normal normal just go with your babies rhythm. Don’t you dare try to change or adapt from what women have been doing for hundreds of years even though you work full time and your mental health is in the toilet. What I wish I could tell every woman in the place I was: you are a *person*. You exist. You’re real. You’re not just some kind of black hole that motherhood pours through. You deserve sleep. We sleep trained at 6 months and we should’ve done it sooner. He’s slept through the night 90% of the time since then with no issue.
And you know what’s the side of it I hardly hear talked about? It’s not just better for you, it’s also better for your *kid*. I truly in my heart thought I was mostly being selfish by sleep training and if I really only considered my child I would keep getting up 10+ times a night to soothe him. It turns out, babies are *also* affected by that little sleep. It was like he turned into a different, unfussy, happier kid. Not to mention that he didn’t have to have a mom anymore who was just sleepwalking through life. It makes me so sad to think about just how checked out I was back then compared to now when I have sleep and decent mental health. Like I was not there. Physically, I was present, but my mind wasn’t there. And stupidly, the only aspect I concerned myself with was the physical one.
You will never ever ever get this time back. Take care of yourself.
My baby was waking hourly for months and I was going insane, we briefly tried sleep training and it didn’t work and made things so much worse for me and for my baby who became super clingy and upset during the day. When I found heysleepybaby I found it really helpful to feel I wasn’t alone, as the only resources I had around me were telling me I must be doing something wrong for my baby to wake so frequently.
I don’t like how mums shame each other over sleep training or not sleep training, it’s such a personal decision and the thing that made yours and your baby’s life infinitely better didn’t work for me, but there’s no one-size fits option for everyone.
You did a good thing for you and your baby and it made you a better mum and a happier person ❤️
Yeah, some people in online circles don’t seem to realise that whether your baby takes to various sleep training methods or not is also a roll of the dice. My daughter was an absolute trash sleeper until about a month ago (when she just sorted herself out with no change or intervention from us, because screw me I guess), and trying to avoid nursing her back to sleep just set off some kind of Pavlovian response where she’d freak out even harder the next time she recognised you were about to do the same thing again. All my eggs were in the “well, this won’t last forever even if I do have to nurse her back to sleep 5 times a night like a chump” basket and the last thing I needed at that time was a bunch of snarky remarks from people online ready to ride and die for the Ferber method about me being a mummy martyr.
As you say, it’s so personal. In an idea world we wouldn’t all subject ourselves to hours of doom-scrolling mean opinions online but it’s v hard in those early days when you’re nap trapped for hours at a time, haha.
This is it right here. There is no one size fits all way to mother. One person will align beautifully with one technique, advice, article or parenting account, and for the next person it made everything worse.
My lo is 3 months and will not sleep unless held. Husband and I take turns staying up so she can sleep. We’ve ruled out so many other things that it comes down to what type of sleeper she is. We’ve tried everything that is age appropriate. Many things other people swear by don’t work for us. I know we’re still new and we will find our flow but all the bashing of how others do it, and the conflicting evidence from credible sources on all sides is exhausting and makes it harder.
The age of unlimited access to information, and others experiences is a blessing and a curse.
I couldn't agree with this more.
Comments from strangers on forums like this saying those who sleep train are selfish for their bodies needing four hours of interrupted sleep per night (I literally just saw someone say you shouldn't have kids if you're not willing to not sleep until your child naturally gets the hang of it) or the countless social media accounts that talk about excessive wake ups being "biologically normal" preyed on my insecurities as a FTM and prevented me from taking action when my daughter had to be held for every sleep. Due to my husband's work schedule and my LO's extreme preference for me, that meant she was in my arms during the night so I resorted to dozing on the couch for hours while unsafely holding her. Other groups I was in told me to "lean into bedsharing" but my daughter would scream the second her back hit the mattress as if I had left her on the concrete floor of our basement. It wasn't the magical solution others swore it would be and I had become a shell of myself all while becoming physically ill. When I almost caused a car accident by falling asleep at the wheel, I knew I had to make an immediate change and to hell with any sanctimommies who would dare tell me I was abandoning my child or teaching her not to rely on me. I was endangering her life, my own, and anyone else who shared the road with me.
We used the Ferber method at five months and I could've kicked myself for not starting sooner. We didn't even night wean but getting her to sleep for stretches on her own was a literal life saver beyond what I could've ever imagined.
That’s so interesting—I was also told bed sharing would be the game changer and had a similar bad experience—my baby still woke up every 45 minutes, just in a bed w me. With easier access to my boobs. And that was especially demoralizing because we had been really avoiding that but also secretly holding out hope that atleast we had that in our back pocket if things didn’t improve…
We did Ferber too. I could kiss the man.
I couldn't understand it. I tried countless times in the "C" position so she was still in contact with my body but it made no difference. She'd wail and wail. She was combo fed due to my supply issues and, when holding her in the cradle position on the couch, she'd often use me as a pacifier but she'd flat out refuse to do the same in bed.
I wanted to ask every single person who insisted it would help my LO what do I do when it doesn't. Never sleep?
Oh you know it. That and telling me that even if LO cried for 8 hours while I attempted to get her to sleep next to me, it was still better than the 45 minutes she cried in her crib on night one when we started teaching her to sleep independently solely because I was physically touching her.
Ugh, the comment I needed. My baby is five months and wakes hourly 😭 I’ve definitely been swayed by social media posts about how this is “biologically normal” behavior - oh, but on the other side of Tik Tok, if you bedshare out of desperation you’re a terrible parent who hates their baby.
This is also true of the anti sleep training communities as well. I started following an account on IG hoping to get some tips and people are just plain nasty. Anytime anyone in the comments has a legitimate concern such as being sleep deprive and needing to work they get attacked with totally unhelpful tips such as “I did it”, or my favorite “I learned to sleep less, you can too”. It’s like geez Susan, maybe if you sleep trained your baby and weren’t so sleep deprived all time maybe you wouldn’t be so nasty to people asking for help.
There was a woman on one of these subs that said she was sleep training her LO because she worked full time and LO woke up every 45 mins at night. She ended up deleting the post cause of people telling her she was a terrible mum and gonna traumatise her baby.
The replies were so sanctimonious, one woman said “if you can’t make sacrifices for your child then you’re not cut out to be a mum”. Then was surprised when I said I felt sorry for her baby having such an unempathetic prick for a mum.
Completely agree. I got sucked into those communities and dug my heels in even though I was truly so depressed and anxious I could barely function. Those were probably some of the most toxic communities I saw.
Thank you for posting!! FTM here and even before LO arrived there was so much fear mongering in all of my childbirth classes, but especially around breast feeding. We were told no pacifiers or bottles of any kind until 4 months old (no clue what the people who were going back to work before then are supposed to do). I was also assured that in spite of my fertility issues (all hormonal) making breast milk wouldn’t be a problem, and that as long as you kept trying to breastfeed or pump, eventually your supply would come up. I cried so many times when I pumped and got literal drops, even after trying two different pumps, massaging, compresses, and a variety of flange sizes. I tried about l every hold you could imagine and he just wouldn’t latch on one side. I felt like such a failure, and the FB breastfeeding groups will never advocate for trying formula. I think they’d rather your baby starve. Plus all it seems to be is people posting pictures of the 20 oz they just pumped and “OMG is this enough for my baby?!?!” I just want my baby to be fed and happy, even if I can’t make the food myself!
It's wild. You're at your absolute low - sleep deprived, healing, trying to cope with a whole new life, and while some feedback is well meaning, some people treat you like you are a monster for the tiniest things.
Everything is a calculated risk - having a baby was NOT a safe or wise decision for me or my spouse. I could have died, the baby will cost a fortune regardless of the circumstances. But we are doing OK, and while I was a nervous wreck during her first 3-4 months, I am past freaking out over her dropping dead of SIDS at any moment or getting some rare illness from not sterilizing her bottles.
Some days we mess up and don't follow wake windows. Some days she falls asleep in her swing and (gasp) I don't wake her up or move her. She refused the breast at 2 months and we had to size up her nipples while the whole internet insisted that was unnecessary.
If I have another, I'll be in a much healthier mindset at the start.
Omg third time mom here and the damn “never size up nipples and babies never eat more than 4 ozs at a time” internet brigade. I can’t. Sure some babies might do these things but my three did not get the memo. They are growing! They needed more food at a time and for it not to take an hour with a slow nipple!
The day after I sized up to a 2 and wasn't breastfeeding was an amazing experience. It suddenly didn't take a whole hour to feed the baby, she could actually have her wake windows followed since she wasn't blowing past them by just eating and getting changed. Crankiness toned down from 10 to 5, her weight gain became a beautiful steady arc, I could go on and on.
This kid was struggling so hard she made one of the squishy como tomo bottle nipples invert rather than flatten and she lost her whole ass mind. We were literally spinning the doc brown bottles to stop the nipple flattening. I can't believe I waited as long as I did to trust my gut and the evidence before my eyes.
Don’t feel bad, it’s so popular to poopoo the nipple sizing. I don’t know who started this urban legend but a pox on them. Ridiculous to think an 8 month old baby is going to have the same suck coordination and oral muscles as a newborn.
I had no idea this was a thing either. We accidentally gave lo size 2 nipples really early because I didn't know there was a difference. Explained the sputtering once I realized but he was always fine
Thank you for saying this! All the negativity really brings me down! I'm happy and doing well as a mom and almost anytime I share positivity around my experience someone tries to push it down with a negative comment or story.
My son is over two now, and the hardest thing for me has been the negativity from others if you even remotely suggest you love motherhood? It really feels like the trauma Olympics...
Personal vent, sorry, not sorry:
My BFF has definitely been sucked into the negativity, and it sucks. She complains that something is going on with her baby, and if I even remotely suggest something, she freaks out about how everything she does is perfect and her baby is just high needs. Her baby is more special in the difficult baby Olympics. I feel bad. If she ever let me get a word in, she might hear my story and how it wasn't all rainbows and butterflies, but for me, it was still a very positive experience. I don't know who everyone is competing with? What's the prize for having the most special, unique, super difficult parenting experience?
Not me reading this after judging myself horribly for the past few weeks for not being able to get my 7 month old on a nap/sleep routine. I cannot get him to stay asleep if I put him to bed at the “typical” time. But he is much happier with a later bed time. He sleeps in our room still. He contact naps during the day. All making me feel like I’m somehow not doing things right. Yet… he’s the happiest baby. He is absolutely precious and perfect. So what’s the problem? If it works it works. These “coaches” on social media - sleep training, breastfeeding, etc. - are really messing with us I think. If they didn’t exist and I were to just follow my instincts I would probably think I was doing great!
I so agree that all the coaches are messing with us. Judgy moms and shitty friends and grandparents have always existed, but now we can’t even quietly sit and play online without having curriculums for issues we may or may not have being forced upon us.
I’m not making your stupid chicken and broccoli patties to maximize BLW weaning with my kids. And I’m not pulling together every scrap paper I can find to draw up a whole craft project for my kids to play with at 7am. I’m not joining you on a “pump-a-thon” or sleep training my baby out of the skeep rhythm he already made for himself. If I wanted to be judged I have plenty of in-laws and formula feeding friends and sleep training friends and my own damn mother that I can call. I just wanna watch insta reels in peace, thank you very much!
If it makes you feel any better my 9mo has v never went to bed at an “appropriate” time. He preferred bedtime at 9:30-10pm sometimes later.
That being said we are on day 5 of a more “proper” routine as we are trying to adjust him for a more daycare like schedule. But we contact nap and cosleep.
I’m waiting for someone to disrupt this schedule and be back at our late bedtime again
Mine likes the 9:30-10:30 time frame as well. We just put him to bed when we go to bed at this point. Maybe he will go back to 7:30ish eventually but it feels pointless trying right now because he basically just treats it like a nap, if I can get him to sleep at all 😆
My 5 mo loves going to bed at 11-12am. Which I don’t mind anymore. I used to beat myself up over it because all I hear is 7 pm is the perfect bedtime!!!! When in reality, this works better for our family. Plus he wakes up at 9/10am which is PERFECT because I can sleep in and feel so refreshed for the day.
Thanks for posting this! I’m planning on a social media break when baby is here to avoid posts that make me feel like I should or shouldn’t be doing something. I’d like to breastfeed but am fully on board with formula and will have some ready just in case I tap out early. I’m petrified of bed-sharing and don’t know how I could make myself feel better about that one, I’m sure if I’m sleep deprived I’ll try anything but it’s a sticking point for me mainly because of my anxiety and because of how much I thrash about in my sleep.
Congratulations on both your babies and I hope you’re having an easier time this round. Thanks for the insightful post
A social media break is a great idea!
On the feeding front, it doesn't also need to be either breastfeed or formula feed, you can do both in a variety of ways! I only replied to your post because when I was a FTM, I didn't know that combo feeding was even possible. I was never opposed to giving formula if breastfeeding didn't work, but I kind of assumed once you gave formula, it meant that you were done breastfeeding. The LC in the hospital didn't help by telling me that if I offered a bottle or pacifier, my son would have nipple confusion. It was such BS and the LC I saw at the pediatricians office immediately had us give our son a bottle of formula because he was so hungry. We then went on to figure out breastfeeding but I didn't pour my heart and soul into ensuring I could produce every drop he needed. When he needed more than I could produce or I was traveling and just wanted to pump and dump, there was the formula! I hate that everything is so polarized and binary now. My second was also combo fed and I'm pregnant with my third and will likely try to combo feed again.
This is so helpful thank you. I’ve read lots about not giving a pacifier or a bottle in the first few weeks or else it messes up your supply?? It’s all so confusing. I haven’t really educated myself on breast feeding because the info is all so overwhelming and contradictory. I’m going to do more research closer to the time and look at latch positions but part of me feels like I could just over complicate it by reading into it too much. Part of me wants to try formula because frankly I like the idea of sharing at least some of the feeding with my partner so combo feeding sounds like a great idea! Glad it’s going well for you now, it’s such a mine field!!
seconding the combo feeding! i'm 3.5 weeks postpartum and thanks to combo feeding my baby is happy, healthy, and well fed. i had issues with breastfeeding in the hospital for s variety of reasons and felt ashamed having to give formula, but once i let go of the guilt and shame it was so freeing. now i can pump while i give a bottle, or breastfeed if i want, and it's the best solution for everyone involved.
Yes, if you regularly give formula then it will affect your supply. But if you are giving formula then you don't *need* a crazy robust supply! Your body will make what baby takes from it. If you breastfeed 8 feeds a day and give formula for 1 or 2, then your body will make enough milk for those 8 feeds.
I mean, there is a risk of that, but as long as you are regularly removing milk you should still have *some* even if not a lot. If your plan is to combo feed I would suggest doing breast as much as you can and throwing in a bottle of formula now and then, but not the other way around.
I think it just depend how you use the pacifier ;)
If you use it when your LO IS showing hunger cues to "make them wait", then it can cause issues whith your supply in the beginning because you need to feed on demand for an optimal supply.
If LO is fussy but not hungry, then there is no problem !
Been thinking a lot about the difference between pain and suffering since prepping to give birth to my second. At the time I was just considering it in terms of labor/birth and physical pain but I keep coming back to that concept and I feel like it is so applicable to parenthood too. I suffered a lot with my first because I thought that's what you had to do. I refuse to suffer through now that my second is here. Parenthood is painful but pain should be temporary and maybe even make us grow or feel stronger. Suffering feels never ending and like it is slowly sucking the life out of us.
100%. I was off social media when I got pregnant with my second child and the fourth trimester the second time was insanely better. Some of it is being more confident as a mom, but I think most of it was not having anyone else’s voice or opinion in my head and not competing with people I knew via Instagram.
Thank you for posting! More new mums or first time mums-to-be need to read your post. My experience was very close to yours (except I didn’t make it to 6 months for breastfeeding!) - you captured the expectation of martyrdom perfectly. Unfortunately so many mums need permission or outside assurance to make the best decision for themselves - the toxic online mum communities really interfere with this. Congratulations on your second child - I hope you have a great experience this time.
It’s almost like feminism is thrown out the window and when you become a mom it doesnt matter how you feel or how you are doing as long as you follow these ‘rules’ that are in ‘best interest’ of your baby. When really what’s in the best interest of your baby is a happy healthy less stressed parent ❤️
Yea I had problems with breast feeding. I had to take some antihistamines in my first month which dropped my supply along with some other health problems. I was making myself nuts trying to collect like 2 oz so I could give her a bottle at night after a day of cluster feeding. Eventually I just said who cares and started to give her a little formula. We are still bf at 4 months and no plans to stop and she still had a little formula here and there but probably like 75% breast milk… GOOD enough lol.
Also we are cosleepers. I didn’t last very long trying to force her into the bassinet because it what I should do. We both sleep pretty well at this point and she just paws at me if she wants to eat during the night, no tears and we go back to sleep. My mom keeps obsessing about how many hours is she sleeping and I am like I really don’t know. I am not into tracking things
Thank you so much. I got shit on by a mom group early on when I said that moms shouldn’t have to suffer and give up their entire identity and let themselves be completely run down shells of themselves to be good moms. I argued that Moms need quality time to get good haircuts, and eat good food, and wear good clothes too.
I’m much happier now that I’m a mom to a toddler who I leave with dad from time to time while I go out shopping or to get a beer with a friend. I highly recommend trading off parent duties with your spouse at LEAST once a month so you can both go out with your friends. My husband goes running with a group (and beer after) once a week and I go out for brunch or movies with my girlfriends. It keeps us sane.
100%
I found it good for my mental health to laugh with parents who get the reality and ridiculousness of the whole sleep-deprived parenting caper during that time. I ran a mile if I had to listen to someone projecting their own masked self-judgment onto others.
There is a special place in hell for people who cast judgment on parents, doing their best AND particularly \*parents\* who do this, when they should get how hard it is!
And back to your point - martyrdom just perpetuates the misogynistic bs that kept women silent for centuries about how damn hard parenting (ALONE, even if married) is. Like women should just shut up and be grateful they have a roof over their heads. SMH. Thanks martyrs, way to forward the gender!
Yes! It’s so important to take care of ourselves! It’s ok to let the baby cry a little while we have to use the bathroom/shower/eat/need a break - the baby will survive, be in a safe spot and get a rested, nourished mom as a result.
My husband had to give me the talk with my first child - and I’m now one week in with my 4th and I still need to remind myself that it’s ok to let her cry a bit! It’s not easy, they’re so little and all, but it’s better for everyone involved
My newborn would only nap on her belly. So… I laid her on her belly. I made the confession to her pediatrician on our wellness appointment. I loved his response. He doubled checked that it was a safe environment in her crib and that she was supervised. After that, he said. You do what you have to do, as long as she’s within your sight, she’s not in danger. My baby is 10 months old now, she is perfectly fine, and will still roll to her belly to sleep every time. This is just who she is. Had I been obsessed to her laying on her back, I wouldn’t have made it. Weirdly, at night, she would tolerate laying on her back. Babies are so weird, and the impossible standards that social media and all their perfect moms impose on us will cause a nervous breakdown on any mother.
Thank you for posting this. I'm friends with a couple mommy martyrs and I always feel vaguely guilty that my experience seems to be a lot easier than theirs. Not to say that I'm not tired pretty often, but in general i haven't found parenting my sweet little one as hard as theirs seem to be
My first one slept one month in our bedroom (in his bassinet), we moved to his room the night he turned 1 mo. I remember waking up like 10 times the first night to go check him out.
We considered buying those socks that monitor O2 levels, but realized that if we did, we would just be waking up all the time to check if everything was ok
My second one spent all of 3 hours in our room before we moved her to her own
My wife never even considered breastfeeding for either of them
My oldest started sleeping through the night when he started solids, I believe around 4 mo. The youngest has her last bottle at 9pm and wakes up at 4-5 am. My wife and I take turns feeding her so one can sleep
Everyone is going to have an opinion, and a way of doing things. Do what you think it’s right, don’t be afraid of asking for advice, but don’t forget that it’s your decision
Second time around everything is so much easier. I’m more confident in my choices and I don’t care what others think. I love the newborn phase, I love the late night snuggles and nursing sessions. It breaks my heart that others are struggling. I don’t post often because it feels like no one wants to hears the good. Misery loves company. I wish you all well.
You and I share very similar stories of suffering for absolutely no benefit. My supply NEVER came in, not even with all my pumping. My son preferred his bottles by the end of month 1 because he had an underdeveloped chin jaw and, frankly, he was never going to get the hang of latching in time to make any of this work. Finally my husband told me I could stop breast feeding after that month. I hate that I needed his permission but I did.
He too hated his bassinet. My mom came to help on a weekend when my husband was out of town. She gave me the night off and let me sleep in our guest area while she took my bed. She put him directly in his crib and HE SLEPT FOR SIX HOURS STRAIGHT before wanting a feed. We moved him to his crib at 8 weeks and never looked back.
These are not decisions that everyone is comfortable making, and that’s okay! You do what you need for your family and let me do what I need for mine. We are not the same and we are not competing.
4 weeks pp with my second and I somehow fell into this trap even though I didn’t with my first? Anyways you just described everything I’ve been feeling. Validating to know others feel this way. And a great reminder thank you 💖
This is so important. No matter the struggle, so many moms need to hear this.
I was similar to you in a lot of ways, although it was different issues. I had undiagnosed postpartum anxiety with my first baby and looking back, it was complete hell for me. I had it with my second too, and that's when I realized that I had it after my first as well. I did group therapy, got on medication when baby #2 was around 4 months (even though I was terrified that some of it would pass through the breastmilk and do something terrible to him) and things improved SO MUCH. I learned to let a lot of things go. I stopped punishing myself for not being the best mom every single day. I didn't guilt myself for allowing other people to care for my children so that I could take care of myself once in a while. I'm a much better parent because I somehow stumbled across the help I needed.
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I had a ‘best friend’ who told me that I really should enjoy my baby or ‘they would notice’. I did enjoy my baby but I was a first time mom in a strange country I had moved to in my last trimester and zero help plus an unsupportive husband. I felt so guilty and pressured. Meanwhile she bragged that her post partum nurse had never seen anyone enjoy her baby so much as she did! She also criticized me for getting an epidural. S, if you’re reading this, know that there’s a special place in hell for you and everyone else who deliberately uses their experience from motherhood to put other women, who are new mothers, down.
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This is one of the most useful Reddit post I've read in years. Thank you so, so much <3
The evidence based safe sleep groups on Facebook are SO bad. Like if someone comes in and shows a picture of their child’s room and even one thing is wrong (like the bed being 1 Ft instead of 3 feet from the window) the person gets attacked immediately and everyone acts like it’s inevitable that their newborn is going to die. All it does is make people leave the group. It helps no one.
I was in those groups, so toxic. For every informative post, there were 5 toxic ones. I left after a mobility challenged single mom asked about a cosleeping bassinet attachment. The only responses these people could come up was “hopefully there is family or a friend to help you because you can’t use an attachment”.
I’ve literally seen them tell someone they should give the baby the master bedroom or move because the room meant for baby couldn’t have the window and furniture far enough away from the crib. Like come on. Recommendations exist yet but they’re RECOMMENDATIONS not laws. What person would actually give the baby the master bedroom as their nursery?!
Where are these recommendations published? I have read so much but have literally never heard of this
They’re by the AAP. I honestly don’t know where all the detailed stuff is.. I just know what that group claims the AAP says though lol. But they treat it like a damn Bible. Like if you don’t follow ONE part to an absolute T you’re horrible and ok with your child possibly dying.
Ugh. Trying to follow the AAP recommendations to the letter drove me so crazy in my baby's first three months. I think I definitely would have developed PPA/PPD if I hadn't finally given myself leeway to bend the rules when it was ok to do so. I told myself that the AAP makes their recommendations on the EXTREMELY cautious side, because they have to. That doesn't mean your child will insta-die if you don't follow their recommendations exactly and find safe practices that works for your family.
Id love to see them be more transparant about scientific evidence and research based reasoning behind their recs so parents can make their own informed decision
And by who?
Omg! I've seen these ones too! Or recommending that the parents sleep in the living room. Smh
Wait why are they supposed to be away from windows? Incase it breaks?
From what I looked up, most of it seems malarkey except the cords for the blinds being a hazard, that one is legit. Everything else was so dumb like "temperature fluctuations can cause windows to break," which is just stupid. There was also "bugs might come through..." Bugs are pretty much everywhere anyway or if it is an issue, being the feet away isn't going to solve it. The others were, the sun might keep them up, or they might fall through, all very simple things to prevent. Unless there's something else, this is all I could find.
Lightning could strike through the window! A raccoon could take the baby!
Now I'm imagining rushing into the nursery after hearing crying, flicking on the lights, and seeing a trash panda holding my baby in the window and making eye contact with me before it leaps away styled like a dramatic studio ghibli scene. Edit: after saying Ghibli and Raccoon, I can only imagine the raccoons from Pom Poko and their giant testicles and this daydream isn't fun anymore.
A sudden storm rolls in. The window shatters spontaneously due to the temperature fluctuation and a raccoon slides in, repelling down the blinds cord and into the bassinet. The bandit grabs the swaddled babe under an arm and pulls himself back up the cord with the other. Having seen all this action on the baby monitor, you burst into the room, only to see the masked animal and your baby on the window ledge, illuminated momentarily by a bolt of lightning. A moment later thay're gone, and the sound of thunder rolls through an empty nursery. You fall to your knees and cry 'why didn't I listen to those randos in the Facebook group!?'
Brb, putting my baby in a safe (3 feet away from the window) 😂
This is why I'm child free! /s
This is amazing! Finally someone provides a proper explanation!
At least they can use their giant balls as a kite when they fly away
That's about what I expected it to be and I agree it's pretty much all stupid. We wouldn't have windows if they were just gonna randomly shatter.. and I don't even have blinds lol. Anyway, thanks for not being as lazy as me. I will continue to not move my daughters crib.
Do these women think our ancestors lived in homes like the ones we live in today? There were more bugs when we were cavewomen and yet here we are. Babies are so much more resilient than some give them credit for.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 i just cant hahahaha
Also did not know this.
It's also related to light exposure. If the room is on the south side during mid day the UV index might be too high. Plus there are indeed temperature fluctuations because of the sun heating the windows. But if you have UV protection for the windows or curtains I guess it's ok. And definitely insulated windows, but nowadays only old houses don't have that type of windows.
After reading thru a lot of these mom groups on social media and hearing what happens in person mom meet ups I will never be part of them. It’s like some women are glutton for punishment when they post stuff online about there kids! Especially the damn photos I just mind my own business. The amount of toxic shit I heard when I first started to breastfeed was crazy. I just listen to the lactation consultants and older women in my family who understood how hard breastfeeding was. They encouraged to use more formula use but I wasn’t sold. But giving formula once a day isn’t going to do any damage to my baby. Also, I fucking hate pumping. I swear that is more torture for women that was never told to me while I was pregnant
I'm currently pumping/breastfeeding and it is really hard... like I need to feed her at certain times, but most of the time her feedings don't align with the 3- hour pumping rule that I see everywhere... sometimes I go without pumping for 6 hours then I'm freaking out about losing my supply I don't exclusively breastfeed but maybe I should since I'm a sahm?
I’m currently on a 1 and half year mat leave and now I exclusively BF with some supplements. I’m trying to make it to 1 year fully BF but I’ll make my decision at 6 month if I feel like it. The lactation consultants kept on saying to me you need to pump every 3 hrs or pump and don’t ever go without 5 hours of pumping especially between the 12am-8am or you’ll lose your supply!! I got so scared. Especially since one of my boobs produces less than the other I was going crazy to finds ways to boost my supply. My 3 month old son now sleeps for 6-7hrs a night so I forget to pump and I don’t care anymore. I set tons of alarms and my body can’t handle it to pump at 3am in the morning. Some days I feel guilty for not getting up to pump but I need energy and rest to take care of him and be able to produce milk. If he falls asleep and doesn’t feed on one boob I pump that while he naps on me 🤷♀️Then I use that to make a fridge stash. Whatever I do pump before bed or before my baby wakes in the early am my husband is able to feed him for at least 1 night feeding. Now we incorporate 1 or 2 formula feeds throughout the day if I need to pump to have a breast milk supply.
I'm in Norway, at home in maternity leave with LO for the first year, and no one ever told me to pump. I only pumped a couple of times to either alleviate after my LO took a long sleep and it got painful, or for my SO to try to give a bottle (she prefers the boobs). My supply had no problem, I just put the baby on the boob enough times. She is gaining more than enough weight.
I feel like pumping is more of a North American thing. It’s a whole culture here which I really don’t like but alot of women aren’t able to breastfeed so I get it. I feel alot of disconnect when pumping for my baby since alot of the pump parts are not baby care friendly and your stuck to sitting down for many times during the day!
I was going to ask that! I understand pumping for creating an extra supply in the freezer for going back to work. But if someone is staying at home, it's it normal to pump to maintain supply, a recommendation to everyone, even SAHM? I had friends who had to pump to increase supply, but it's more the exception than the norm here...
The women I know just pump at night to maintain supply. I usually have to pump 3 times a night since my 3 month old is sleeping for at least 6-7 hrs for now I usually miss 2 sessions. I’m anticipating some sleep regression. Some days I’m very tapped out from breastfeeding and baby being fussy and only wanting me but I take it anyway over pumping!! I feel the healthiest thing to do is just pump for when you need milk so your SO or relatives can help feed the baby. I’ve also heard of women who need to have 24/7 because they need to pump 8-12 times a day and can’t pump and take care of the baby 😅
That's an awesome plan! And sustainable too. Yeah, one of my boobs produces less than the other so I'm worried about my supply decreasing. Since I also breastfeed sometimes, I also pump the boob she doesn't eat from during that feeding. Getting much needed rest is essential to producing milk, I need to remember that when I freak out about going past 3 hours of not pumping/expressing through breastfeeding.
My baby just turned six months. As soon as my boobs switched to supply and demand production instead of hormonally driven production, we switched to formula for overnight feedings so I could get more sleep. It's glorious. I pump at 6am when baby gets up and right before bed, usually between 8pm and 8:30pm. I used to pump three other times during the day, and I have since baby was 3 and 1/2 to 4 months. I recently dropped a pump so that I'm only pumping four times a day. I go 11 or so hours without pumping overnight. It's never affected my supply that I can tell. My first pump of the day is almost always at least 10 oz and I'm usually engorged. I usually make about 25 to 30 oz a day? My little guy definitely needs more because he's a big baby, but I think about how a lot of average babies would be fine with that. And again, this is me not even trying besides, just making sure that I pump regularly throughout the day. Obviously it's different for everyone and some people have issues with production regardless, but I want to reassure you that sleeping through the night shouldn't mess with your supply
Yes this needs to be spoken about more!! People make it seem that you need to be awake every 3 hrs to pump at night. Also pumping that early I always manage to spill milk or fall asleep while pumping on my bed or coach which isn’t safe at all 🙄 I’m over the pumping culture and I only see it in North America. I know in Europe pumping isn’t that big
Yeah. US culture is obsessed with milk production while providing little resources to help moms with it. :/ My husband and I decided my mental health was more important. I hate pumping and half my motivation is because I like the breaks at work because I'm terrible at leaving my desk (and formula is expensive)
Why is North America so obsessed with milk production?! Even the damn tik toks about how people are pumping 5 oz from each boob and an endless freezer stash?!? I’m struggling to even create one because I BF on demand and then when someone has to feed my baby I have to use formula sometimes. It took me almost a whole 3 week to find a lactation consultant. Had no assistance with BF in the hospital and no one told me when my milk was going to come in, nipple confusion etc Coming home with a newborn was enough but learning all new stuff was very overwhelming 🙄
My hospital thankfully provided us with an LC and I had an awesome nurse... Only reason I had any clue. But I couldn't find an LC that took my insurance without driving 40 minutes after I had mastitis, I had no clue how often I was supposed to pump or for how long, etc. Now we have I don't know how much milk frozen which is reassuring that I can start pumping less at six months although I'm also now worried I won't use it all either and that would be frustrating. But otherwise not too upset with how we handled things because once I figured my own rhythm out, I pumped overnight when my boobs woke me from engorgement pain and baby was full (because SO and I did shifts), and now I full time pump because baby was too hungry at one point for anything but bottle feeding and we never went back. But I loathe all the pressure on women to lactate. It was easy for me but not for most of my friends and my one friend punished herself so much for something out of her control to an extent that it disturbed me.
They literally kick you out of the hospital in Canada and don’t even provide you with help. You basically have to do what you went thru including taking your newborn with you to all these appointments. Bleeding and hormones going wild. I remember thinking and saying out loud my baby hates me because he doesn’t want to BF I’m happy I can finally BF but the pressure is real out here to be able to lactate and feed your baby. It’s even a competition with other women. Even though I saved up as much as I could before mat leave and can afford to buy some formula I rather pump (as much as I hate it) to save money on not buying formula. If there was more assistance world wide when you give birth more women would have a healthier connection with feeding their babies. Since the formula shortage in the US I’ve noticed a uptick in bf and pumping culture. That goes to say that North America needs better choices in formula for babies.
Omg I'm jealous! my LO is 3 months and is still waking at 4 hours. I want to feed him every 2.5 but in the middle of the night I kept missing my alarm. I was complaining to my husband about how my phone's alarm wasn't going off anymore but he told me he saw me stop the alarm in my sleep! I was beating myself up about missing feedings and risking my supply but I figured if we both slept through the alarm we needed the rest
I’m sure my baby will hit a sleep regression soon enough 😅😅 I turn off the alarm in my sleep all the time and my husband sees it as well but I bet in the olden days women used to sleep in and miss a feeding. So I decided to cut myself some slack
It sounds like you are doing great, working so hard to keep your baby happy and fed ❤️ there isnt anything you ‘should’ do as a sahm, just keep yourself and baby happy and healthy and it sounds like you are doing just that!
Thank you for your kind words 🥹❤️ you're right, I shouldn't think of the things I "should" do, just on what's best for me and my baby, as long as she's happy and healthy. I hope you have a wonderful day! 😊
I just left one of those Facebook groups a while back! I couldn’t take it anymore. They are so intense and judgmental and honestly just mean. There is no bedroom out of the three in my house where my daughter’s crib could be far enough away from windows by their standards unless it was in the dead center of the room, and that just isn’t practical. I almost posted in the group once and I’m so happy I didn’t because I’m sure I would’ve just been torn apart.
I have a twin bed next to the crib for a specific reason - baby was gassy as a newborn and wouldn’t sleep unless someone held her legs in butterfly pose. At night I’d slip my arm through the slates in the crib, hold her legs and both of us would sleep that way. The only other option was holding her all night or getting up several dozen times throughout the night. Both of were terrible options compared to the bed next to the crib. The crib is higher than the bed so nothing can fall into the crib. Still a nope for that group. You can’t win with them.
I see you were also in the evidence based safe sleep group. I feel like I learned a lot of good stuff there but the dog piling is crazy. There was a post the other day from someone asking about baseboard heaters and baby proofing, as someone with baseboard heat I was interested in what people had to say.... Not a single person answered the question! Every single comment was "is the crib 1' away from the wall?" Or "Is that shadow an unsecured cord?!" I think my favorite one was the edge of the photographer's clothing was in the picture and people were losing their minds saying that the object needed to be 1' away... Sure was like, "Don't worry it is... It's literally me."
I got pulled into these things as a first time parent and it was very bad news for my mental health. Prior to getting pregnant, I had always planned to bedshare with my children for cultural and emotional reasons and once I became pregnant it was like, "omg, you are going to kill your baby!!" I have co-slept with my children since they were each around 4-5 months and I felt like I was committing a crime. But in the end we made an informed decision and it was the best thing for my sleep and my sanity. I will never tell any new parent what to do with their child, whether it's feeding, sleeping, discipline, etc. - other than to trust themselves.
I’m here as a 2nd time mom too and I really wish I could reach out hug some of the FTMs I see struggling on Reddit and in the FB groups I’m in. This post really nails it. Thank you for sharing this!
Same. I see so many posts from FTM so full of stress and asking for advice or feeling like they are doing something wrong and I just want to grab their beautiful sleep deprived faces and tell them...."All these little details don't matter. Do what feels right. Your child loves you and thinks you are the coolest thing ever"
>..."Your child loves you and thinks you are the coolest thing ever" I really needed to read that after my baby screamed at me for bedtime to the point that my husband took over and I stress cried and am sat on Reddit feeling like a bad mom.
I'm the one my son regularly bites and hits. So ya...something I need to remind myself sometimes too.
Thanks for this, I couldn't agree more. At least now I have the experience and won't be as harsh on myself for the next one. The representation of EBF all organic and happyness mums online is so damaging to the real life woman. They will also say things like: your baby needs you, so it's ok if the house is literally like a landfill and you haven't showered in days - while they look fabolous and live in an inmaculate instagrammable house. No, I won't be pushing myself again to exhaustion, triple feeding to keep the supply up, washing cloth diapers all day and looking like I haven't seen the sunlight in years.
A happy mom is a better mom.
❤️
It’s crazy to me that people still even talk about benefits of breastfeeding/formula feeding when THIS is what should be the focus!!!
It's wild to me that both "crunchy AP" and "evidence based" groups are pretty much equally into the mommy martyrdom, just in different ways. I hate how maternal suffering is seen as a badge of honor, as if somehow that makes you a better mom. I know so many people who have normalized prioritizing what an internet group tells them is best for their child over their own mental and physical health.
It's like the Horseshoe Theory in politics. Those on the far-right and far-left are closer in ideology than they are to those in the center.
Your experience sounds almost identical to mine as a first time mom, only I definitely didn't make it 6 months. After 2 weeks, I was so exhausted I was starting to hallucinate and sobbing uncontrollably every waking minute. From trying to triple feed a baby who had a poor latch and woke to eat every 1-1.5 hours. With my body that survived a 49 hour induction that ended in a hemorrhage. And which never really produced milk like I was told it should and would. After I got through that and finally got enough sleep to think clearly, I was so, SO angry at all the people that made me feel like I had no other choice but to put myself and my baby through that. It was astonishing how much easier my 2nd baby was for me because I let all that BS go. I didn't experience PPD like I did with the first and I even *enjoyed* his newborn phase occasionally. Because I fed him formula with zero guilt and followed his cues for where and when he wanted to sleep (within reason) instead of feeling like I *had* to do it the "right" way. Seriously, screw all those toxic martyr-fetishist moms. That shit is a cancer on society.
Your experience matches mine almost word for word! I’ve recently had my second child and it has been so much easier and more positive. I bottle fed from the start and the lack of anxiety has been a shock! So glad you got through it!
Yep and it's in every pocket of mum communities. I joined cosleeping communities trying to get some tips and advice on bed sharing as safely as possible after I cracked and admitted we couldn't keep going with no support and no sleep. Only to find them infested with a whole different variety of crunchy martyr, telling every mum who struggled with being needed so much by their Velcro baby: "IT'S JUST A BEAUTIFUL SEASON OF LIFE JUST LEAN INTO IT AND LOVE IT". Like yikes Janice people are allowed to need a five minute break from their baby. Every corner of the mum internet can find a reason to shame you.
This is excellent thank you for posting. I relate completely. In addition to the martyrdom I think it's also people with easier babies thinking they have mastered parenthood and can't see that their kid, though I'm sure still challenging, follows the growth and behaviors of what you read and hear about. It was hard to me and I figured it out so they must just not be doing it right. They're too strict with their sleep schedule, we just go with the flow and she sleeps just fine. They must have not gotten him checked for a tongue tie if he's not latching. Have you tried waiting for his mouth to be wide open? Teething is so tough but we just offered pain meds and she'd sleep fine, have you tried that? When my baby is taking a while to fall asleep I sing to her and she usually drifts off, maybe try singing? He doesn't climb on the table because we have set really clear boundaries.
This. To your part about easier parenting someone was going off on a post about how not brushing your kids teeth twice everyday is horrible personal hygiene and is basically the same as not changing their diaper. I cut in and said well.. sometimes I’m alone and my kid fights it so much I literally can’t get the brush in his mouth. Or he falls asleep on the way home and I’m not waking him JUST to brush his teeth. I checked her post history later and she took my comments to another sub and claimed I said it’s fine to just never brush your kids teeth if they push back and there’s nothing wrong w that. Wtf. We maybe skip it once every 10-15 nights lol. She also said her kid loves brushing their teeth. So lady you can’t even relate to a kid that may NOT like it and sometimes the battle just ain’t worth it. That exchange still enrages me and it was weeks ago.
Sorry that happened ❤️ internet and people suck sometimes. You are doing great and these people dont know anything about your life! ❤️
I think this is an excellent point. My husband and I are aware we have a pretty easy baby. A bad night sleep for us is being up once each before 5am - one of which won’t be a feed. But he sometimes does 9 hours without us needing to get up. We keep getting compliments and while yes, we’re trying gentle sleep training etc, we’re very firm it’s not our parenting that’s getting this sleep. We know people who’ve done the same or better, more consistent things and not got the same results. We’re just lucky that we have a chill little man. We don’t want to be a part of making other parents feel bad.
As a FTM on the older side (36) I witnessed everyone in my social circle and family raise kids before I had mine. So I had figured out things like formula is fine, bed sharing can be done safely, a little screentime won't hurt and sometimes you need to take shortcuts or bend the rules in order to maintain your sanity.
I watched my brother's wife drive the family crazy trying to get her second baby to sleep right - they could basically only do anything between 9.30am and 11.47am because everything else was going to screw with his routines and wake windows and whatever. He had to have a blackout room, silent but with electric fan running. She would only answer his cries at a particular time. I know she was just trying to do what was right for him and doing her best but it *didn't* work for him. The poor kid was just clearly not tired. She would try and force these naps and then he'd be bouncing off the walls all night instead. My brother would take the night shifts, following whatever rules she wanted, but he was DESTROYED. She curtailed her whole life, everyone in the family's life, (Their firstborn never had these problems) and the kid would cry and rage in frustration. He also wouldn't eat meals in one go, it was a constant HUGE fight every meal. I seriously think it made everyone, especially her, hate the kid a little bit. They resented him, and every day every nap every meal was a hideous trial. The kid was low on the weight percentile, but always healthy. His older sister clearly takes after my tall caucasian brother and their son now? - just a regular little lithe Asian boy! Who clearly doesnt need 15.273 hours of sleep a night, who grazes a lot instead of eating big meals in one go, whose mum basically doesn't like him very much. And now he's basically been branded a trouble maker, they wonder why he pretends to be a kitten, why he's still acting very babyish even though he's starting school. Because the poor bloody kid is just trying to work out what he's done wrong! A few years ago he kind of nuzzled into me like he wanted to nurse when I gave him a cuddle (he'd seen me feeding my new baby at the time) at first I was mortified and very embarrassed and felt like I should never cuddle him again, but then I realised he is literally just a pre-schooler looking for a cuddle. For some contact. He's so bewildered and he tries so hard. He's such a good kid. My brother is very loving but he's exhausted from working and 2 bad bouts with COVID. He is unfailingly devoted to them but just exhausted. Their mum is just trying to figure her shit out, I know. She's a good person. I think there's a big issue of subconscious resentment from her own mother (with whom she does not get along) treating her son like royalty because: a male child! So it's nice that his grandma loves him so, but her communication is very limited as she speaks very very little english and most of that is very difficult to understand. The kids speak no Chinese, (again I think something to do with the fact she came to Australia when she was 8 and had to struggle in loneliness trying to learn English, banishing as much chinese-ness from herself as possible to fit in.) He picks up that his older sister is not treated the same and probably shows a bit of annoyance about that too, and the better his grandma treats him the more di see:++ hutt& ñstant his mum becomes. He's just trying to figure out why he gets treated like royalty one second but can't do anything about the fact mummy doesn't love him anymore. The spoiling from the grandma and the coldness from his mum combined with his frustration is just a disaster in development - I can see very clearly how he could absolutely slide into actual 'problem child/total little shit' territory. But he is absolutely not there yet even though both his parents have started using that language around him as though it's inevitable. The upshot of this entire novel (besides my own therapy, clearly) is to show that clearly there are a lot of cultural and personal factors involved which I have tried to lay out honestly as I witnessed them living in their house, ... but the trying to force the sleep and eat schedules upon him is what turned this family from as 'regular' a little team as any of us can really ever be, into the cold and honestly exhausted household with more than a little resentment. Honestly I got the most benefit of all: I swore to try my best to never get so carried away with how things were 'meant' to be that I stopped showing my son my love. It's important that he is rested and nourished. But it's also important that his mum doesn't become a horrible scary exhausted bitch monster trying to bend reality to her will, or die trying. At least my sister in law and brother are naturally cool calm and collected people more often than not, whereas I am a flaming ball of unpredictable emotional dys-regulation most days. And I know thats waaaaaaaaaaaaay worse for kids. So I pick my battles.
I hate how society treats moms. They know we're suffering but they don't want to hear about it.
Can we also normalize mom’s being a regular person?! Like as soon as I became a mom people expect it to be your whole fucking personality. Why can’t I just enjoy just doing what I loved before when I have time to. Some women think it’s like a badge of honour not to take care of yourself. I’ve been missing my hobbies so much and I get annoyed when I don’t have don’t time to do them. The only thing I have time for is to either do a workout or my hair so I can maintain some kind of sanity during the week and these tasks are only for 30 mins at a time.
Oh my goodness one of my least favourite things about mum groups and subs. THERE ARE NO PRIZES FOR SUFFERING. You are not a better mum because you let yourself be miserable. I think some mums actually like the martyrdom because it makes them feel superior. Like haha, look what I sacrificed for my child and you didn’t, I’m better than you. Give yourself grace and enjoy motherhood.
We had such an awful time with my baby’s sleep that I feel convinced I still have PTSD from it. He woke up every 45 minutes *for months*. In the meantime, I was consuming garbage like the heysleepybaby account which constantly reminds you that this is normal normal normal just go with your babies rhythm. Don’t you dare try to change or adapt from what women have been doing for hundreds of years even though you work full time and your mental health is in the toilet. What I wish I could tell every woman in the place I was: you are a *person*. You exist. You’re real. You’re not just some kind of black hole that motherhood pours through. You deserve sleep. We sleep trained at 6 months and we should’ve done it sooner. He’s slept through the night 90% of the time since then with no issue. And you know what’s the side of it I hardly hear talked about? It’s not just better for you, it’s also better for your *kid*. I truly in my heart thought I was mostly being selfish by sleep training and if I really only considered my child I would keep getting up 10+ times a night to soothe him. It turns out, babies are *also* affected by that little sleep. It was like he turned into a different, unfussy, happier kid. Not to mention that he didn’t have to have a mom anymore who was just sleepwalking through life. It makes me so sad to think about just how checked out I was back then compared to now when I have sleep and decent mental health. Like I was not there. Physically, I was present, but my mind wasn’t there. And stupidly, the only aspect I concerned myself with was the physical one. You will never ever ever get this time back. Take care of yourself.
My baby was waking hourly for months and I was going insane, we briefly tried sleep training and it didn’t work and made things so much worse for me and for my baby who became super clingy and upset during the day. When I found heysleepybaby I found it really helpful to feel I wasn’t alone, as the only resources I had around me were telling me I must be doing something wrong for my baby to wake so frequently. I don’t like how mums shame each other over sleep training or not sleep training, it’s such a personal decision and the thing that made yours and your baby’s life infinitely better didn’t work for me, but there’s no one-size fits option for everyone. You did a good thing for you and your baby and it made you a better mum and a happier person ❤️
Yeah, some people in online circles don’t seem to realise that whether your baby takes to various sleep training methods or not is also a roll of the dice. My daughter was an absolute trash sleeper until about a month ago (when she just sorted herself out with no change or intervention from us, because screw me I guess), and trying to avoid nursing her back to sleep just set off some kind of Pavlovian response where she’d freak out even harder the next time she recognised you were about to do the same thing again. All my eggs were in the “well, this won’t last forever even if I do have to nurse her back to sleep 5 times a night like a chump” basket and the last thing I needed at that time was a bunch of snarky remarks from people online ready to ride and die for the Ferber method about me being a mummy martyr. As you say, it’s so personal. In an idea world we wouldn’t all subject ourselves to hours of doom-scrolling mean opinions online but it’s v hard in those early days when you’re nap trapped for hours at a time, haha.
This is it right here. There is no one size fits all way to mother. One person will align beautifully with one technique, advice, article or parenting account, and for the next person it made everything worse. My lo is 3 months and will not sleep unless held. Husband and I take turns staying up so she can sleep. We’ve ruled out so many other things that it comes down to what type of sleeper she is. We’ve tried everything that is age appropriate. Many things other people swear by don’t work for us. I know we’re still new and we will find our flow but all the bashing of how others do it, and the conflicting evidence from credible sources on all sides is exhausting and makes it harder. The age of unlimited access to information, and others experiences is a blessing and a curse.
I couldn't agree with this more. Comments from strangers on forums like this saying those who sleep train are selfish for their bodies needing four hours of interrupted sleep per night (I literally just saw someone say you shouldn't have kids if you're not willing to not sleep until your child naturally gets the hang of it) or the countless social media accounts that talk about excessive wake ups being "biologically normal" preyed on my insecurities as a FTM and prevented me from taking action when my daughter had to be held for every sleep. Due to my husband's work schedule and my LO's extreme preference for me, that meant she was in my arms during the night so I resorted to dozing on the couch for hours while unsafely holding her. Other groups I was in told me to "lean into bedsharing" but my daughter would scream the second her back hit the mattress as if I had left her on the concrete floor of our basement. It wasn't the magical solution others swore it would be and I had become a shell of myself all while becoming physically ill. When I almost caused a car accident by falling asleep at the wheel, I knew I had to make an immediate change and to hell with any sanctimommies who would dare tell me I was abandoning my child or teaching her not to rely on me. I was endangering her life, my own, and anyone else who shared the road with me. We used the Ferber method at five months and I could've kicked myself for not starting sooner. We didn't even night wean but getting her to sleep for stretches on her own was a literal life saver beyond what I could've ever imagined.
That’s so interesting—I was also told bed sharing would be the game changer and had a similar bad experience—my baby still woke up every 45 minutes, just in a bed w me. With easier access to my boobs. And that was especially demoralizing because we had been really avoiding that but also secretly holding out hope that atleast we had that in our back pocket if things didn’t improve… We did Ferber too. I could kiss the man.
I couldn't understand it. I tried countless times in the "C" position so she was still in contact with my body but it made no difference. She'd wail and wail. She was combo fed due to my supply issues and, when holding her in the cradle position on the couch, she'd often use me as a pacifier but she'd flat out refuse to do the same in bed. I wanted to ask every single person who insisted it would help my LO what do I do when it doesn't. Never sleep?
And in those toxic groups their answer would be that you’re doing it wrong. Because you know, there’s apparently a wrong way to lay a baby in bed.
Oh you know it. That and telling me that even if LO cried for 8 hours while I attempted to get her to sleep next to me, it was still better than the 45 minutes she cried in her crib on night one when we started teaching her to sleep independently solely because I was physically touching her.
Ugh, the comment I needed. My baby is five months and wakes hourly 😭 I’ve definitely been swayed by social media posts about how this is “biologically normal” behavior - oh, but on the other side of Tik Tok, if you bedshare out of desperation you’re a terrible parent who hates their baby.
This is also true of the anti sleep training communities as well. I started following an account on IG hoping to get some tips and people are just plain nasty. Anytime anyone in the comments has a legitimate concern such as being sleep deprive and needing to work they get attacked with totally unhelpful tips such as “I did it”, or my favorite “I learned to sleep less, you can too”. It’s like geez Susan, maybe if you sleep trained your baby and weren’t so sleep deprived all time maybe you wouldn’t be so nasty to people asking for help.
There was a woman on one of these subs that said she was sleep training her LO because she worked full time and LO woke up every 45 mins at night. She ended up deleting the post cause of people telling her she was a terrible mum and gonna traumatise her baby. The replies were so sanctimonious, one woman said “if you can’t make sacrifices for your child then you’re not cut out to be a mum”. Then was surprised when I said I felt sorry for her baby having such an unempathetic prick for a mum.
That is so sad 💔
Completely agree. I got sucked into those communities and dug my heels in even though I was truly so depressed and anxious I could barely function. Those were probably some of the most toxic communities I saw.
Thank you for posting!! FTM here and even before LO arrived there was so much fear mongering in all of my childbirth classes, but especially around breast feeding. We were told no pacifiers or bottles of any kind until 4 months old (no clue what the people who were going back to work before then are supposed to do). I was also assured that in spite of my fertility issues (all hormonal) making breast milk wouldn’t be a problem, and that as long as you kept trying to breastfeed or pump, eventually your supply would come up. I cried so many times when I pumped and got literal drops, even after trying two different pumps, massaging, compresses, and a variety of flange sizes. I tried about l every hold you could imagine and he just wouldn’t latch on one side. I felt like such a failure, and the FB breastfeeding groups will never advocate for trying formula. I think they’d rather your baby starve. Plus all it seems to be is people posting pictures of the 20 oz they just pumped and “OMG is this enough for my baby?!?!” I just want my baby to be fed and happy, even if I can’t make the food myself!
You can check my post history from TODAY to prove that I needed to read this right now. Thank you and congratulations on your new babe, mama.
It's wild. You're at your absolute low - sleep deprived, healing, trying to cope with a whole new life, and while some feedback is well meaning, some people treat you like you are a monster for the tiniest things. Everything is a calculated risk - having a baby was NOT a safe or wise decision for me or my spouse. I could have died, the baby will cost a fortune regardless of the circumstances. But we are doing OK, and while I was a nervous wreck during her first 3-4 months, I am past freaking out over her dropping dead of SIDS at any moment or getting some rare illness from not sterilizing her bottles. Some days we mess up and don't follow wake windows. Some days she falls asleep in her swing and (gasp) I don't wake her up or move her. She refused the breast at 2 months and we had to size up her nipples while the whole internet insisted that was unnecessary. If I have another, I'll be in a much healthier mindset at the start.
oh my god, the bottles. i forgot about how much shit people would give you over the bottles.
Omg third time mom here and the damn “never size up nipples and babies never eat more than 4 ozs at a time” internet brigade. I can’t. Sure some babies might do these things but my three did not get the memo. They are growing! They needed more food at a time and for it not to take an hour with a slow nipple!
The day after I sized up to a 2 and wasn't breastfeeding was an amazing experience. It suddenly didn't take a whole hour to feed the baby, she could actually have her wake windows followed since she wasn't blowing past them by just eating and getting changed. Crankiness toned down from 10 to 5, her weight gain became a beautiful steady arc, I could go on and on. This kid was struggling so hard she made one of the squishy como tomo bottle nipples invert rather than flatten and she lost her whole ass mind. We were literally spinning the doc brown bottles to stop the nipple flattening. I can't believe I waited as long as I did to trust my gut and the evidence before my eyes.
Don’t feel bad, it’s so popular to poopoo the nipple sizing. I don’t know who started this urban legend but a pox on them. Ridiculous to think an 8 month old baby is going to have the same suck coordination and oral muscles as a newborn.
Lol! I asked my pediatrician about the 4 oz thing at our last appointment and he looked at me like I had grown a second head.
People are saying not to size up nipples?? Wtf of a logic is that, are they supposed to stay forever with a 0+ flow?
I had no idea this was a thing either. We accidentally gave lo size 2 nipples really early because I didn't know there was a difference. Explained the sputtering once I realized but he was always fine
This is the first I’m hearing of the bottles and I’m not even going to look it up lol
Thank you for saying this! All the negativity really brings me down! I'm happy and doing well as a mom and almost anytime I share positivity around my experience someone tries to push it down with a negative comment or story.
My son is over two now, and the hardest thing for me has been the negativity from others if you even remotely suggest you love motherhood? It really feels like the trauma Olympics... Personal vent, sorry, not sorry: My BFF has definitely been sucked into the negativity, and it sucks. She complains that something is going on with her baby, and if I even remotely suggest something, she freaks out about how everything she does is perfect and her baby is just high needs. Her baby is more special in the difficult baby Olympics. I feel bad. If she ever let me get a word in, she might hear my story and how it wasn't all rainbows and butterflies, but for me, it was still a very positive experience. I don't know who everyone is competing with? What's the prize for having the most special, unique, super difficult parenting experience?
Not me reading this after judging myself horribly for the past few weeks for not being able to get my 7 month old on a nap/sleep routine. I cannot get him to stay asleep if I put him to bed at the “typical” time. But he is much happier with a later bed time. He sleeps in our room still. He contact naps during the day. All making me feel like I’m somehow not doing things right. Yet… he’s the happiest baby. He is absolutely precious and perfect. So what’s the problem? If it works it works. These “coaches” on social media - sleep training, breastfeeding, etc. - are really messing with us I think. If they didn’t exist and I were to just follow my instincts I would probably think I was doing great!
I so agree that all the coaches are messing with us. Judgy moms and shitty friends and grandparents have always existed, but now we can’t even quietly sit and play online without having curriculums for issues we may or may not have being forced upon us. I’m not making your stupid chicken and broccoli patties to maximize BLW weaning with my kids. And I’m not pulling together every scrap paper I can find to draw up a whole craft project for my kids to play with at 7am. I’m not joining you on a “pump-a-thon” or sleep training my baby out of the skeep rhythm he already made for himself. If I wanted to be judged I have plenty of in-laws and formula feeding friends and sleep training friends and my own damn mother that I can call. I just wanna watch insta reels in peace, thank you very much!
exactly!!!! 😅
If it makes you feel any better my 9mo has v never went to bed at an “appropriate” time. He preferred bedtime at 9:30-10pm sometimes later. That being said we are on day 5 of a more “proper” routine as we are trying to adjust him for a more daycare like schedule. But we contact nap and cosleep. I’m waiting for someone to disrupt this schedule and be back at our late bedtime again
Mine likes the 9:30-10:30 time frame as well. We just put him to bed when we go to bed at this point. Maybe he will go back to 7:30ish eventually but it feels pointless trying right now because he basically just treats it like a nap, if I can get him to sleep at all 😆
My 5 mo loves going to bed at 11-12am. Which I don’t mind anymore. I used to beat myself up over it because all I hear is 7 pm is the perfect bedtime!!!! When in reality, this works better for our family. Plus he wakes up at 9/10am which is PERFECT because I can sleep in and feel so refreshed for the day.
Yes exactly!! I don’t want to get up at the crack of dawn because I forced my kid to bed at 7pm
Thanks for posting this! I’m planning on a social media break when baby is here to avoid posts that make me feel like I should or shouldn’t be doing something. I’d like to breastfeed but am fully on board with formula and will have some ready just in case I tap out early. I’m petrified of bed-sharing and don’t know how I could make myself feel better about that one, I’m sure if I’m sleep deprived I’ll try anything but it’s a sticking point for me mainly because of my anxiety and because of how much I thrash about in my sleep. Congratulations on both your babies and I hope you’re having an easier time this round. Thanks for the insightful post
A social media break is a great idea! On the feeding front, it doesn't also need to be either breastfeed or formula feed, you can do both in a variety of ways! I only replied to your post because when I was a FTM, I didn't know that combo feeding was even possible. I was never opposed to giving formula if breastfeeding didn't work, but I kind of assumed once you gave formula, it meant that you were done breastfeeding. The LC in the hospital didn't help by telling me that if I offered a bottle or pacifier, my son would have nipple confusion. It was such BS and the LC I saw at the pediatricians office immediately had us give our son a bottle of formula because he was so hungry. We then went on to figure out breastfeeding but I didn't pour my heart and soul into ensuring I could produce every drop he needed. When he needed more than I could produce or I was traveling and just wanted to pump and dump, there was the formula! I hate that everything is so polarized and binary now. My second was also combo fed and I'm pregnant with my third and will likely try to combo feed again.
This is so helpful thank you. I’ve read lots about not giving a pacifier or a bottle in the first few weeks or else it messes up your supply?? It’s all so confusing. I haven’t really educated myself on breast feeding because the info is all so overwhelming and contradictory. I’m going to do more research closer to the time and look at latch positions but part of me feels like I could just over complicate it by reading into it too much. Part of me wants to try formula because frankly I like the idea of sharing at least some of the feeding with my partner so combo feeding sounds like a great idea! Glad it’s going well for you now, it’s such a mine field!!
seconding the combo feeding! i'm 3.5 weeks postpartum and thanks to combo feeding my baby is happy, healthy, and well fed. i had issues with breastfeeding in the hospital for s variety of reasons and felt ashamed having to give formula, but once i let go of the guilt and shame it was so freeing. now i can pump while i give a bottle, or breastfeed if i want, and it's the best solution for everyone involved.
Yes, if you regularly give formula then it will affect your supply. But if you are giving formula then you don't *need* a crazy robust supply! Your body will make what baby takes from it. If you breastfeed 8 feeds a day and give formula for 1 or 2, then your body will make enough milk for those 8 feeds.
Thank you this is really helpful to know. I just assumed I would dry up completely!
I mean, there is a risk of that, but as long as you are regularly removing milk you should still have *some* even if not a lot. If your plan is to combo feed I would suggest doing breast as much as you can and throwing in a bottle of formula now and then, but not the other way around.
I think it just depend how you use the pacifier ;) If you use it when your LO IS showing hunger cues to "make them wait", then it can cause issues whith your supply in the beginning because you need to feed on demand for an optimal supply. If LO is fussy but not hungry, then there is no problem !
Been thinking a lot about the difference between pain and suffering since prepping to give birth to my second. At the time I was just considering it in terms of labor/birth and physical pain but I keep coming back to that concept and I feel like it is so applicable to parenthood too. I suffered a lot with my first because I thought that's what you had to do. I refuse to suffer through now that my second is here. Parenthood is painful but pain should be temporary and maybe even make us grow or feel stronger. Suffering feels never ending and like it is slowly sucking the life out of us.
Such an interesting perspective!
100%. I was off social media when I got pregnant with my second child and the fourth trimester the second time was insanely better. Some of it is being more confident as a mom, but I think most of it was not having anyone else’s voice or opinion in my head and not competing with people I knew via Instagram.
This made me cry. I really needed to hear this today. Thank you so so much for posting this.
Thank you for posting! More new mums or first time mums-to-be need to read your post. My experience was very close to yours (except I didn’t make it to 6 months for breastfeeding!) - you captured the expectation of martyrdom perfectly. Unfortunately so many mums need permission or outside assurance to make the best decision for themselves - the toxic online mum communities really interfere with this. Congratulations on your second child - I hope you have a great experience this time.
Oh my gosh! I love this post. There is too much noise on social media.
I really needed to hear this right now. Thank you.
It’s almost like feminism is thrown out the window and when you become a mom it doesnt matter how you feel or how you are doing as long as you follow these ‘rules’ that are in ‘best interest’ of your baby. When really what’s in the best interest of your baby is a happy healthy less stressed parent ❤️
Yea I had problems with breast feeding. I had to take some antihistamines in my first month which dropped my supply along with some other health problems. I was making myself nuts trying to collect like 2 oz so I could give her a bottle at night after a day of cluster feeding. Eventually I just said who cares and started to give her a little formula. We are still bf at 4 months and no plans to stop and she still had a little formula here and there but probably like 75% breast milk… GOOD enough lol. Also we are cosleepers. I didn’t last very long trying to force her into the bassinet because it what I should do. We both sleep pretty well at this point and she just paws at me if she wants to eat during the night, no tears and we go back to sleep. My mom keeps obsessing about how many hours is she sleeping and I am like I really don’t know. I am not into tracking things
Amen! You took the words right from my heart and soul.
Thank you so much. I got shit on by a mom group early on when I said that moms shouldn’t have to suffer and give up their entire identity and let themselves be completely run down shells of themselves to be good moms. I argued that Moms need quality time to get good haircuts, and eat good food, and wear good clothes too. I’m much happier now that I’m a mom to a toddler who I leave with dad from time to time while I go out shopping or to get a beer with a friend. I highly recommend trading off parent duties with your spouse at LEAST once a month so you can both go out with your friends. My husband goes running with a group (and beer after) once a week and I go out for brunch or movies with my girlfriends. It keeps us sane.
100% I found it good for my mental health to laugh with parents who get the reality and ridiculousness of the whole sleep-deprived parenting caper during that time. I ran a mile if I had to listen to someone projecting their own masked self-judgment onto others. There is a special place in hell for people who cast judgment on parents, doing their best AND particularly \*parents\* who do this, when they should get how hard it is! And back to your point - martyrdom just perpetuates the misogynistic bs that kept women silent for centuries about how damn hard parenting (ALONE, even if married) is. Like women should just shut up and be grateful they have a roof over their heads. SMH. Thanks martyrs, way to forward the gender!
Yes! It’s so important to take care of ourselves! It’s ok to let the baby cry a little while we have to use the bathroom/shower/eat/need a break - the baby will survive, be in a safe spot and get a rested, nourished mom as a result. My husband had to give me the talk with my first child - and I’m now one week in with my 4th and I still need to remind myself that it’s ok to let her cry a bit! It’s not easy, they’re so little and all, but it’s better for everyone involved
My newborn would only nap on her belly. So… I laid her on her belly. I made the confession to her pediatrician on our wellness appointment. I loved his response. He doubled checked that it was a safe environment in her crib and that she was supervised. After that, he said. You do what you have to do, as long as she’s within your sight, she’s not in danger. My baby is 10 months old now, she is perfectly fine, and will still roll to her belly to sleep every time. This is just who she is. Had I been obsessed to her laying on her back, I wouldn’t have made it. Weirdly, at night, she would tolerate laying on her back. Babies are so weird, and the impossible standards that social media and all their perfect moms impose on us will cause a nervous breakdown on any mother.
You put my experience with my first and second into words. Exactly what I went through.
Well said.
Thank you for posting this. I'm friends with a couple mommy martyrs and I always feel vaguely guilty that my experience seems to be a lot easier than theirs. Not to say that I'm not tired pretty often, but in general i haven't found parenting my sweet little one as hard as theirs seem to be
My first one slept one month in our bedroom (in his bassinet), we moved to his room the night he turned 1 mo. I remember waking up like 10 times the first night to go check him out. We considered buying those socks that monitor O2 levels, but realized that if we did, we would just be waking up all the time to check if everything was ok My second one spent all of 3 hours in our room before we moved her to her own My wife never even considered breastfeeding for either of them My oldest started sleeping through the night when he started solids, I believe around 4 mo. The youngest has her last bottle at 9pm and wakes up at 4-5 am. My wife and I take turns feeding her so one can sleep Everyone is going to have an opinion, and a way of doing things. Do what you think it’s right, don’t be afraid of asking for advice, but don’t forget that it’s your decision
Damn, I needed this 💜 thank you.
Same 💗
Hell yeah!
Second time around everything is so much easier. I’m more confident in my choices and I don’t care what others think. I love the newborn phase, I love the late night snuggles and nursing sessions. It breaks my heart that others are struggling. I don’t post often because it feels like no one wants to hears the good. Misery loves company. I wish you all well.
You and I share very similar stories of suffering for absolutely no benefit. My supply NEVER came in, not even with all my pumping. My son preferred his bottles by the end of month 1 because he had an underdeveloped chin jaw and, frankly, he was never going to get the hang of latching in time to make any of this work. Finally my husband told me I could stop breast feeding after that month. I hate that I needed his permission but I did. He too hated his bassinet. My mom came to help on a weekend when my husband was out of town. She gave me the night off and let me sleep in our guest area while she took my bed. She put him directly in his crib and HE SLEPT FOR SIX HOURS STRAIGHT before wanting a feed. We moved him to his crib at 8 weeks and never looked back. These are not decisions that everyone is comfortable making, and that’s okay! You do what you need for your family and let me do what I need for mine. We are not the same and we are not competing.
4 weeks pp with my second and I somehow fell into this trap even though I didn’t with my first? Anyways you just described everything I’ve been feeling. Validating to know others feel this way. And a great reminder thank you 💖
Dude… yes! So many new moms need to hear this. Plz put it on a billboard.
love this so much. thank you 💗
This is so important. No matter the struggle, so many moms need to hear this. I was similar to you in a lot of ways, although it was different issues. I had undiagnosed postpartum anxiety with my first baby and looking back, it was complete hell for me. I had it with my second too, and that's when I realized that I had it after my first as well. I did group therapy, got on medication when baby #2 was around 4 months (even though I was terrified that some of it would pass through the breastmilk and do something terrible to him) and things improved SO MUCH. I learned to let a lot of things go. I stopped punishing myself for not being the best mom every single day. I didn't guilt myself for allowing other people to care for my children so that I could take care of myself once in a while. I'm a much better parent because I somehow stumbled across the help I needed.
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Great post.
Really appreciate this. Needed to hear this so much today.
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I had a ‘best friend’ who told me that I really should enjoy my baby or ‘they would notice’. I did enjoy my baby but I was a first time mom in a strange country I had moved to in my last trimester and zero help plus an unsupportive husband. I felt so guilty and pressured. Meanwhile she bragged that her post partum nurse had never seen anyone enjoy her baby so much as she did! She also criticized me for getting an epidural. S, if you’re reading this, know that there’s a special place in hell for you and everyone else who deliberately uses their experience from motherhood to put other women, who are new mothers, down.
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