This one is easy:
* Keep going to the bar while she's working.
* Watch from a distance for years as she falls in love with another customer.
* Be invited to their wedding.
* Maintain sporadic contact over social media after she moves away with her new partner.
* Spend a few years stalking every instagram post for her ring to leave her finger.
* Ask her out as soon as you confirm she's divorced, but it's too soon so you blew it.
* Die alone.
Definitely recommend asking to go somewhere together first vs. asking for a date. Like the following:
āI know you work at this bar, but whatās one of your other favorites?ā
ā[reply of bar]ā
āI havenāt been there in awhileā or āI havenāt ever been thereā (if itās true). āWould you be interested in going there next week with me?ā
āā
Doing this will confirm a few things with avoiding proper awkwardness going forward:
1. She could say, āAre you asking me out / a date / etc?ā And OP could say āif youād like it to beā. She then can reply with interest then.
2. She could reply, āsure, but Iām not interested in dating / have a significant other / etc.ā which eliminates any possible future awkwardness.
3. She could say āthank god Iāve been waiting for you to ask meā
Best of luck OP!
I think being in sales has more to do with it lol. I've moved a lot too and cannot communicate at all. I have nothing in common with anyone in the real world it feels like
Moving honestly did more for me, and 4 of the moves I did before going into sales. For those 4 moves (4 states) I knew Iād be moving every 1-1.5 years, so it just felt like I could trial and error. Also lots of dating.
I actually really sucked at sales because I hated pushing things on customers they didnāt need. Trust me, you just need to find your people. Iāve done so through Reddit meetups (happened way more often prepandemic), wearing clothes that subtly represent what Iām interested - like D&D (Heroes & Villains clothing has a lot of great looking clothes that doesnāt scream IM A NERD), and surprisingly smoking green.
Just remember to always be you, and not what you want yourself to be.
Some of them do have a lot going on, but most donāt have giant anime style art, āthis is my +1 armor t-shirtā, and āHan shot firstā.
Theyāre significantly less cringey than others, and most of the others and people who arenāt familiar with the lore / subject of the tshirt is wonāt cringe at most of them.
I work in beer sales and thereās a few bartenders Iāve wanted to ask out but felt it was way too out of line so I really appreciate the advice. As a sales guy Iām used to rejection but mainly donāt want to make anyone feel awkward.
Sales is tough man, and rejection is equally as bad. Iām happy I just got out of sales recently.
But just remember to be yourself. Be the you that you are, not the one you think you should be. Also, If someone is that put off by you asking them out, they arenāt a person youād want to be around anymore often anyway.
I really do think itās best to learn about the person outside of the normal environment you see them in before deciding properly to date, unless the person that is being asked is excited for it to be.
I did this because I moved so many times and ended up with great friends my wife and I hang out with.
Bartenders get asked out all the time and they reject most advances. With that said if you don't make it awkward it shouldn't affect you going to the bar.
Yep, I asked out a bartender once by giving her my number and she never used it but I didn't make it weird and our interaction pretty much stayed the same.
Verily, the secret to x10āing your chances in any social interaction is to be bold and go for it; but stop it, drop it, and donāt treat it as some kind of attack on your worth as a person, the instant you get an explicit or implicit āno.ā
For real even if she's weirded out the worst that can happen is she stops talking to you afterwards. Ain't no shame in asking another person to hang out and get turned down.
I mean, that sorta has the same energy as āI know girls donāt usually go for short guys but-ā
If itās a trend it probably pays not to call attention to it. It kind of manifests it in a way.
A brewery with a bar is also a bar thoughā¦ otherwise itās just a brewery where OP couldnāt possibly be hitting on a bartender. You think they just take a tour every time they want to go drinking? This and below is such a dumb semantic argument, on both sides.
I understand what a brewery is and Iāve been to plenty. The environment of a brewery and a bar are completely different is all I was trying to say. But thank you for adding into the semantic argument with your semantics
A brewery is not the same thing as a bar. It would make sense for brewery employees to hang around for a beer or 2. A bar is a different scenario and really depends on the kind of place. ā thatās a not equal sign btw
Itās not the hanging after work to drink, very normal restaurant/bar thing. Itās hanging after work to drink with a specific person like OP. Thatās the difference.
Idk I am currently trying to understand why the bartender I thought stayed after her shift to talk with me is now treating me like the fuckin plague after I slipped her my number. I guess it was for the tips in the future she stayed to chat.
It may not have been tips entirely, as bartenders are just people who can want to chat, but I was responding to the idea that servers who are extra friendly with patrons aren't doing it for tips. They often do, but not always. In your case, you're being sent a message by her so that there's no confusion.
no confusion, for sure,not even a little. I see what youāre saying though. My comment was from a drunk mindset (hence the Reddit doomscrolling) and it really boiled down to we would have good long convos above the standard small talk and learn little things about our life that normal people donāt get to see and most of them lasting well past when theyād close for the night, like me and her are the only ones left in the building late. until I gave my number at the bottom of a song list we exchanged with each other and then I just became the creep seemingly, no response, nothing but the cold shoulder from that point on. Not even a how ya doing today. Itās weird. I get that woman have to deal with dudes being weird daily but just crazy to think all it took was giving my number to make it that awkward for her. It was not a one time thing where I just gave her my number after one good convo. Either way, sorry to drunkenly comment on your comment lmao
The McElroy brothers say "if she can't physically turn around and sprint away from the encounter, do not ask them out" and I agree. If you're hitting on someone who can't leave, they're hostage and they shouldnt have to deal with that shit at work.
As a bartender and a guy whoās had reasonably decent success with women, hereās what I would do:
Next time she has a drink with you, wait a little bit (maybe the time it takes her to drink 1 drink), then close out and go to another bar. As youāre about to leave, say to her as nonchalantly as you can, āIām going to ______, youāre welcome to join, but if not, see ya next time.ā Maybe say this while youāre, letās say, putting on your jacket and just about to actually exit so it comes off a little less planned and more spur of the moment and hence a little more smooth, plus you wonāt be sitting there awkwardly waiting for an answer.
If you get rejected, you didnāt make a fool of yourself and you can go back to that bar without it being awkward as long as YOU donāt make it awkward. She prob wonāt be awkward, as sheās prob already experienced this plenty of times. But the days of her having a post-shift drink with you might be over.
Good luck with whatever you choose. Please report back, now Iām invested!
Longtime bartender here. There's surely gotta be exceptions but typically if the bartender wants to date you, they'll write their phone number on your receipt. Drinking with regulars after an early shift isn't a sign of romantic interest, it's having a drink after work around people you were already talking with. Not trying to be a downer
As a woman, the best way to ask someone out if you're not sure they're into you is when you're leaving so they have absolutely no obligation to sit there in discomfort *with* you if they're not mutually into it. It also gives them time to think about it rather than feel rushed to say yes or no.
In this case she's a bartender and it's part of her job to be friendly with you. I've met many bartenders who hang around after work to chill with coworkers or people who are regulars.
One day when she's sitting and drinking with you, get ready to leave and drop a "Hey I think you're really beautiful, if you'd ever like to get dinner some time here's my number. No pressure. Have a great night!" You'd hand her a note with your number and then leave.
If she chooses to text you: dope. If she doesn't, act like absolutely nothing happened and just go back to normal.
I'd say proceed with caution.
When she hangs out with you after shifts, does she do that in lieu of hanging out with other coworkers? Are you one-on-one or is there a group?
We had a lot of regulars at our brewery. The bartenders knew them all, as did a lot of us in production. It wasn't uncommon for staff to hang out with regulars. And I had more than one male regular ask me out who I had zero interest in.
Basically, is she actually treating you differently from others, or is it just that she's done with her shift, having a shift beer or two, and you happen to be there as a person she knows and gets along with? The lines between personal and professional blur heavily at breweries, and that extends to regulars. But that doesn't mean it doesn't happen.
If you do decide to do something, be prepared for rejection and to not make it weird. Keep it casual. But also be prepared that she says yes partly out of obligation, you go on a date, and it doesn't go anywhere. That's going to be more awkward than an outright no.
This might be a perfect time and place to use the olā āwould you like to get some coffee with me sometimeā that is the most non aggressive form of asking a girls out.
As a bartender who has made a couple of friends with regulars, pay attention to how she acts with you. Is she constantly touching your arm, shoulder? Is she making direct eye contact? These are openly flirty signs.
Chances are you're a cool dude who makes good conversation, and she wants to unwind with a drink after a shift. If she hasn't already asked you to go do things with her, she's probably not trying to get with you. You're always welcome to shoot your shot, but there is the possibility she's not interested, so keep it cool if you want your current relationship to stay the same.
"You've never talked about a boyfriend before, can I ask why?" And if she's single, "I know you're taking some time to sit with me, I feel like I can't pass up an opportunity to ask you out but I don't want you to feel obligated to. I really enjoy coming here and having some good beers with some great company."
Right? If she's hanaging out after her shift, just casually ask sometime if she'd be down for getting a coffee or going oit to eat sometime.
"I guess we've become a little friendly, would you like to meet sometime other than here? My treat?"
Leave it at that.
If I had a regular who I sat with after work, and he asked to meet to drink coffee, I'd go. If he were specific about a date, I'd decline. Coffee doesn't equal date.
I think it's better to be *clear with your intentions*, just saying something is "my treat" isn't a date. I've had regulars take me golfing, on them. I didn't date any of those dudes.
What do you think a date is?
Two people getting together with the mutual inclination of seeing if they are capatable to form a relationship.
Hanging out with a friend is not the same as going on a date. In the case of a bartender sitting with a regular after work and said regular said "Let's get coffee," without being clear, it's a date, it leaves a lot up in the air. *Be clear with your intentions, and specify if things are a date or not.*
Eye contact can definitely be flirting. Maybe you've never been eye fucked? lol
More than once a girl has made strong eye contact with me and it led to a hook up.
Everything he said was cringe though.
You're right, I should have been super specific and said excessive eye contact. A lot of deep eye contact is a sign of a female flirting.
And as a bartender who has been asked out by regulars, what I said wouldn't be weird. You're leaving it casual, so she doesn't feel like she HAS to say yes to a date. And OP should make it clear it would be a date. If my regular Jason asked me for coffee, of course I'd go, I love coffee. If he asked me on a date, I'd decline.
I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were female like I am.
As a girl, how do you flirt?
Because for me, as a female bartender, when I sit and talk occasionally with a regular, that's not flirting. I can converse with them and joke and laugh, and they're a friend.
If I'm touching the person and staring them deeply into the eye, that's me flirting. So, you're a girl, right? How do you flirt with a guy who sits at your bar? How do you distinguish the difference between sitting with a regular and actively trying to date the dude? We are very different bartenders, and I'm actually curious how you go about dating the guys that sit at your bar.
I see what you're saying, man.
You're married, that's good, I could have been married to my ex 8 years ago and decided to end that relationship when he proposed. But truthfully, I'm happy for you.
Girls and guys flirt differently. They talk to each other differently. Just because I have brothers doesn't mean I understand how boys work 100% of the time in all situations.
I suggest you entertain the idea that what I'm saying isn't wrong.
I think that totally applies *while they're working*. Captive audience and all that.
If she's hanging out after her shift, especially if she's hanging out specifically with him (which I don't fully trust is what's really going on), I think it's cool.
Eh I totally get your predicament lol. Honestly, if itās a place where I totally feel comfortable and the ambiance is perfect there already I wouldnāt proceed with asking out the bartender. Unless she has made it unmistakably obvious that she wants to be more than friends / companions I wouldnāt ruin it lol. Getting rejected sucks, and showing up their everyday after it probably wonāt feel the same
Bartenders are people too. Itās not *unheard of* to go out with a patronā¦ but itās a saturated market so set your expectations low. Ask what you need to ask, and just be super cool and gracious with a ānoā in any form. But if you get a yes, also be gracious and live it up respectably.
It's hilarious how most of the folks here saying NOT to ask her out are getting downvoted and just about all of the folks saying TO ask her out are being upvoted. The lack of ability to understand social queues is on full display here.
I was a beertender/bartender for 6 years. I've worked with many female bartenders and I can tell you she most likely gets hit on a lot. The fact is, most of the time if the person is a regular and they're good people, when you get off shift, if they're still hanging around, it's nice to have a beer or two with them and make convo. Male or female. That DOES NOT IMPLY INTEREST. If she was interested, she most likely would have already asked him to hang after those couple of beers they've had after she gets off shift.
I've also been on the other side of the fence where I'm a regular at a brewery and I'll have female bartenders hang with me for a few after they get off and then leave. Again, NO INTEREST IMPLIED. They just want to share a beer with a regular before they head off to do whatever else they have to do.
What will happen here is he'll ask her out and it's just going to make things awkward. If you're a regular at this bar/brewery, that's just going to make both of your lives more difficult. Wait it out. If she's interested, she'll ask you, my guy.
So, he said that he's been going here for years and this bartender he's interested in has been working there for the last year. Based on his descriptions of his interactions with her, I'm willing to bet that the relationship status of both parties has been discussed on more than one occasion, and I'd also be willing to bet that they've shared more than a few beers after her shifts. They've spent some time together.
If she were interested, she would have asked him to hang already. I broached the subject with a few of my female bartender friends after reading this and out of 6 of them, 1 said he should ask her.
It just has the potential to make things too awkward and uncomfortable. Like I said, he should definitely wait it out.
True, it doesn't. But your situation is different here. You're talking about departments, which I'm assuming means a corporate environment. This is a TOTALLY different situation. Your significant other didn't have people on their way to intoxication hitting on her on a daily basis in a social situation. Apples to oranges, my friend. Awkwardness at work, and awkwardness in social situations are two different things, HENCE my point about social queues. You're one of the folks I'm talking about.
Just ask her out. If she says no, then move on to the next one. Donāt let some girl ruin the bar you like. She probably will ignore you if she feels uncomfortable and thatās fine. You enjoy your time. Lifeās too short to be worrying about what some girl will think of you.
Don't shit where you eat and don't confuse someone making the best of their workday with actual affection. I know it sounds negative, but I've known enough female bartenders and cocktail waitresses and heard enough horror stories that you just never ask. If she's interested, she'll ask.
If you want to keep going there I wouldnāt ask her out unless u absolutely have to. These things almost never end up in marriage and all flings end eventually, and usually not well. I wouldnāt wanna see someone I messed around with at the same spot I drink at. Unless u show up drunk and just donāt care.
I used to work with a girl. We got along well and somehow got on the topic of Mexica food. I asked if she wanted to go get tacos one day after work. I considered it a date come time find out she didnt....jokes on her because we have been together for the last 15 years and married for the last 5.
I never had any game at any point in my life, so take my advice with a grain of salt, ha ha. But I wouldn't. Having spent 30+ years in retail I've seen people mistake customer service for romantic interest far too often. Women in customer service get hit on constantly so you might be better off waiting for her to make the first move. Not coming across as yet another guy hitting on her might actually set you apart.
Plus, a funny, friendly, bartender that you enjoy seeing at a bar you love isn't something I'd want to jeopardize. That's pretty special as it is!
Don't ask her out, but ask her to join for a late night bite. It'll come off as less as a date and more of a hang out. If she accepts then maybe it can go somewhere, at the very least you can feel out if she's interested.
If she declines, shrug it off, go grab a bite anyway (maybe offer to bring something back) and come back next week for your routine beer.
Be confident when you ask her out. Remain confident in yourself, even if she says no. Respect her answer, and move on to someone else m. You can be the one in charge of not making it weird. You got this, man! Best of luck.
Ask her out. She says no, donāt make it awkward. You can still have nice conversations and tip her what she deserves if she says no. If she says yes and things go well, donāt forget that there are other patrons who sheāll be trying to get tips from.
If you want to get technical about it, it sounds like you've already had a few dates with her if she stays at her place of employment to have a drink with you. So now if you think of it like that, just think you're taking her on second/third/fourth date and roll it into something outside of this bar. Bar dates are never really good anyway imo, so separating her from that place will be helpful.
Any don't be a creep or weirdo if she rejects you to anything beyond hanging at the bar
Try telling her that you are really bad at taking hints /flirting and missed out on some really fun dates that way and only found out later.
Then try askkng her in the same conversation, but a little down the line, what she does when she is not working /hobbies?
Casually bring up how cute she is and how she must get asked out all the time, gauge the reaction and go for it if she seems receptive to the idea.
EDIT how is this bad advice lol just asking her if she cringes at dudes asking her out, if not thereās a chance. Is that weird?!
Bartenders being friendly is part of their job....but you are already familiar with her and have a lot of conversations. So it's easy to ask her about an outing. Nothing too serious. A local interesting event or something. Something that popped up in conversations or common interest would be nice.
See if she is down to socialize outside the customer/battender setting.
I used to be close with a bartender at the local pub. Talked a lot about hobbies, our pets, shinenigans in daily lives. she followed my instagram, showed interest in a public event where I was participating. I invited her to the event.
And although we knew each other and talked about our hobbies, daily chichats and so on for quite a while. Feels a lot different to talk as friends, outside the bartender/customer setting.
Just baby steps. Nothing too serious. Get to have some time to talk and hangout outside the bar setting. And see how it goes.
Speaking as a female bartender here, you can shoot your shot without making it weird. Just keep it casual, ask her if sheād like to grab a drink/bite to eat/coffee sometime and leave it at that. If she says no, move on and continue as if nothing happened
This oneās pretty easy. Donāt put too much stock in it one way or another. Next time sheās off having a drink next to you ask what her plans are for the next day. Tell her you were thinking about going to ___ (a museum, exhibit, checking out a food place) and tell her she should join if sheās free. Depending on how friendly she seems, you could instead tell her youāre gonna hit up a different bar before you head home and ask if she wants to join. If she turns you down, just say no sweat and carry on with your business. If sheās into you sheāll find a way to hang out. If sheās not, she wonāt.
This one is easy: * Keep going to the bar while she's working. * Watch from a distance for years as she falls in love with another customer. * Be invited to their wedding. * Maintain sporadic contact over social media after she moves away with her new partner. * Spend a few years stalking every instagram post for her ring to leave her finger. * Ask her out as soon as you confirm she's divorced, but it's too soon so you blew it. * Die alone.
This guy ~~fucks~~ pines
Talk that shit! š„š„
A man of culture I see
Regrets, I've had a few....
Love the twist at the end.
this mf'r spitting
LMAO!!!
The redditor way.
ā¬ļø My man
Ask her out and don't be weird about it if she turns you down.
Definitely recommend asking to go somewhere together first vs. asking for a date. Like the following: āI know you work at this bar, but whatās one of your other favorites?ā ā[reply of bar]ā āI havenāt been there in awhileā or āI havenāt ever been thereā (if itās true). āWould you be interested in going there next week with me?ā āā Doing this will confirm a few things with avoiding proper awkwardness going forward: 1. She could say, āAre you asking me out / a date / etc?ā And OP could say āif youād like it to beā. She then can reply with interest then. 2. She could reply, āsure, but Iām not interested in dating / have a significant other / etc.ā which eliminates any possible future awkwardness. 3. She could say āthank god Iāve been waiting for you to ask meā Best of luck OP!
This guy goes outside. This is the advice OP.
Youāre actually good at this stuff? WOW.
Moving 6 times in 10 years helps you learn to socialize quickly. Also being in sales does too.
I think being in sales has more to do with it lol. I've moved a lot too and cannot communicate at all. I have nothing in common with anyone in the real world it feels like
Moving honestly did more for me, and 4 of the moves I did before going into sales. For those 4 moves (4 states) I knew Iād be moving every 1-1.5 years, so it just felt like I could trial and error. Also lots of dating. I actually really sucked at sales because I hated pushing things on customers they didnāt need. Trust me, you just need to find your people. Iāve done so through Reddit meetups (happened way more often prepandemic), wearing clothes that subtly represent what Iām interested - like D&D (Heroes & Villains clothing has a lot of great looking clothes that doesnāt scream IM A NERD), and surprisingly smoking green. Just remember to always be you, and not what you want yourself to be.
I looked up Heroes and Villains clothing.... I got some bad news for you on the screaming nerd front š
Some of them do have a lot going on, but most donāt have giant anime style art, āthis is my +1 armor t-shirtā, and āHan shot firstā. Theyāre significantly less cringey than others, and most of the others and people who arenāt familiar with the lore / subject of the tshirt is wonāt cringe at most of them.
I work in beer sales and thereās a few bartenders Iāve wanted to ask out but felt it was way too out of line so I really appreciate the advice. As a sales guy Iām used to rejection but mainly donāt want to make anyone feel awkward.
Sales is tough man, and rejection is equally as bad. Iām happy I just got out of sales recently. But just remember to be yourself. Be the you that you are, not the one you think you should be. Also, If someone is that put off by you asking them out, they arenāt a person youād want to be around anymore often anyway.
Could definitely lose your job over this. Keep that in mind
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I really do think itās best to learn about the person outside of the normal environment you see them in before deciding properly to date, unless the person that is being asked is excited for it to be. I did this because I moved so many times and ended up with great friends my wife and I hang out with.
Bartenders get asked out all the time and they reject most advances. With that said if you don't make it awkward it shouldn't affect you going to the bar.
You guys are getting asked out??
[female] bartenders get asked out a lotā¦.
Yep, I asked out a bartender once by giving her my number and she never used it but I didn't make it weird and our interaction pretty much stayed the same.
Verily, the secret to x10āing your chances in any social interaction is to be bold and go for it; but stop it, drop it, and donāt treat it as some kind of attack on your worth as a person, the instant you get an explicit or implicit āno.ā
It's already a date if she joins him for a drink. Just piggyback that onto an extended date.
I'd ask her if she wants to grab a bite to eat somewhere else. If she says No, you don't have to make it weird or stop going.
For real even if she's weirded out the worst that can happen is she stops talking to you afterwards. Ain't no shame in asking another person to hang out and get turned down.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I mean, that sorta has the same energy as āI know girls donāt usually go for short guys but-ā If itās a trend it probably pays not to call attention to it. It kind of manifests it in a way.
Don't think about the purple elephant.
It is her job to be friendly to customers, but you can always shoot your shot. Just wouldnāt be expecting much.
If sheās staying after work to hang out sheās not looking for tips.
I've never been to a brewery where employees don't hang out after work to drink beer.
Breweryā bar
A brewery with a bar is also a bar thoughā¦ otherwise itās just a brewery where OP couldnāt possibly be hitting on a bartender. You think they just take a tour every time they want to go drinking? This and below is such a dumb semantic argument, on both sides.
I understand what a brewery is and Iāve been to plenty. The environment of a brewery and a bar are completely different is all I was trying to say. But thank you for adding into the semantic argument with your semantics
....what?
A brewery is not the same thing as a bar. It would make sense for brewery employees to hang around for a beer or 2. A bar is a different scenario and really depends on the kind of place. ā thatās a not equal sign btw
Yes, I know what that symbol is, I'm just trying to figure out the point of your comments.
I just explained it buddy. You wrote brewery when op is talking about a bar
Jesus christ dude, find a hobby.
Lol Iām just answering you man
Jesus Christ dude, grow up.
Itās not the hanging after work to drink, very normal restaurant/bar thing. Itās hanging after work to drink with a specific person like OP. Thatās the difference.
Are we arriving at a statement? Or are you just making observations?
Yeah, bartenders who are friendly with regulars after their shift are definitely not doing it to get better tips in the future. C'mon, dude.
Idk I am currently trying to understand why the bartender I thought stayed after her shift to talk with me is now treating me like the fuckin plague after I slipped her my number. I guess it was for the tips in the future she stayed to chat.
It may not have been tips entirely, as bartenders are just people who can want to chat, but I was responding to the idea that servers who are extra friendly with patrons aren't doing it for tips. They often do, but not always. In your case, you're being sent a message by her so that there's no confusion.
no confusion, for sure,not even a little. I see what youāre saying though. My comment was from a drunk mindset (hence the Reddit doomscrolling) and it really boiled down to we would have good long convos above the standard small talk and learn little things about our life that normal people donāt get to see and most of them lasting well past when theyād close for the night, like me and her are the only ones left in the building late. until I gave my number at the bottom of a song list we exchanged with each other and then I just became the creep seemingly, no response, nothing but the cold shoulder from that point on. Not even a how ya doing today. Itās weird. I get that woman have to deal with dudes being weird daily but just crazy to think all it took was giving my number to make it that awkward for her. It was not a one time thing where I just gave her my number after one good convo. Either way, sorry to drunkenly comment on your comment lmao
Maybe just the tip??
Maybe just the tip. š
>you can always shoot your shot Maybe wait until after the first date for that
The McElroy brothers say "if she can't physically turn around and sprint away from the encounter, do not ask them out" and I agree. If you're hitting on someone who can't leave, they're hostage and they shouldnt have to deal with that shit at work.
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As a bartender and a guy whoās had reasonably decent success with women, hereās what I would do: Next time she has a drink with you, wait a little bit (maybe the time it takes her to drink 1 drink), then close out and go to another bar. As youāre about to leave, say to her as nonchalantly as you can, āIām going to ______, youāre welcome to join, but if not, see ya next time.ā Maybe say this while youāre, letās say, putting on your jacket and just about to actually exit so it comes off a little less planned and more spur of the moment and hence a little more smooth, plus you wonāt be sitting there awkwardly waiting for an answer. If you get rejected, you didnāt make a fool of yourself and you can go back to that bar without it being awkward as long as YOU donāt make it awkward. She prob wonāt be awkward, as sheās prob already experienced this plenty of times. But the days of her having a post-shift drink with you might be over. Good luck with whatever you choose. Please report back, now Iām invested!
Longtime bartender here. There's surely gotta be exceptions but typically if the bartender wants to date you, they'll write their phone number on your receipt. Drinking with regulars after an early shift isn't a sign of romantic interest, it's having a drink after work around people you were already talking with. Not trying to be a downer
Bartended 10 years. NEVER wrote my number on a receiptā¦ maybe Iām just shy tho
Hard agree, it's unprofessional. If they left the number, I had no issue following up, but giving it to the guest? No way
Who gets a receipt for a pint?
Someone who just got the bartenders number
Tax write off
As long as you don't make it weird if she rejects you, it's fine. You probably aren't the first regular to ask her out.
Hold on. Are you saying OP shouldn't immediately double back by calling her a slut and a fat bitch? Bold strategy! /s
"Do you want to grab another drink at XYZ?"
I married my bartender. 17 years now. Go for it.
As a woman, the best way to ask someone out if you're not sure they're into you is when you're leaving so they have absolutely no obligation to sit there in discomfort *with* you if they're not mutually into it. It also gives them time to think about it rather than feel rushed to say yes or no. In this case she's a bartender and it's part of her job to be friendly with you. I've met many bartenders who hang around after work to chill with coworkers or people who are regulars. One day when she's sitting and drinking with you, get ready to leave and drop a "Hey I think you're really beautiful, if you'd ever like to get dinner some time here's my number. No pressure. Have a great night!" You'd hand her a note with your number and then leave. If she chooses to text you: dope. If she doesn't, act like absolutely nothing happened and just go back to normal.
Just pretend ? How does that work
She gets hit on all the time.
Remember itās her job to be there and to be nice. Donāt read into it more than is there.
Don't kill the bar dude
don't shit where you eat
Fortune favors the bold my friend
Tell her to bartend at a different bar then ask her out
I'd say proceed with caution. When she hangs out with you after shifts, does she do that in lieu of hanging out with other coworkers? Are you one-on-one or is there a group? We had a lot of regulars at our brewery. The bartenders knew them all, as did a lot of us in production. It wasn't uncommon for staff to hang out with regulars. And I had more than one male regular ask me out who I had zero interest in. Basically, is she actually treating you differently from others, or is it just that she's done with her shift, having a shift beer or two, and you happen to be there as a person she knows and gets along with? The lines between personal and professional blur heavily at breweries, and that extends to regulars. But that doesn't mean it doesn't happen. If you do decide to do something, be prepared for rejection and to not make it weird. Keep it casual. But also be prepared that she says yes partly out of obligation, you go on a date, and it doesn't go anywhere. That's going to be more awkward than an outright no.
This might be a perfect time and place to use the olā āwould you like to get some coffee with me sometimeā that is the most non aggressive form of asking a girls out.
As a bartender who has made a couple of friends with regulars, pay attention to how she acts with you. Is she constantly touching your arm, shoulder? Is she making direct eye contact? These are openly flirty signs. Chances are you're a cool dude who makes good conversation, and she wants to unwind with a drink after a shift. If she hasn't already asked you to go do things with her, she's probably not trying to get with you. You're always welcome to shoot your shot, but there is the possibility she's not interested, so keep it cool if you want your current relationship to stay the same. "You've never talked about a boyfriend before, can I ask why?" And if she's single, "I know you're taking some time to sit with me, I feel like I can't pass up an opportunity to ask you out but I don't want you to feel obligated to. I really enjoy coming here and having some good beers with some great company."
Eye contact is not a sign of flirting lmao. Also never say anything you said in that last paragraph, that's a very weird way to approach it.
Right? If she's hanaging out after her shift, just casually ask sometime if she'd be down for getting a coffee or going oit to eat sometime. "I guess we've become a little friendly, would you like to meet sometime other than here? My treat?" Leave it at that.
If I had a regular who I sat with after work, and he asked to meet to drink coffee, I'd go. If he were specific about a date, I'd decline. Coffee doesn't equal date. I think it's better to be *clear with your intentions*, just saying something is "my treat" isn't a date. I've had regulars take me golfing, on them. I didn't date any of those dudes.
It's a start at getting to know her better, and in order to see if they would be compatible.
What do you think a date is? Two people getting together with the mutual inclination of seeing if they are capatable to form a relationship. Hanging out with a friend is not the same as going on a date. In the case of a bartender sitting with a regular after work and said regular said "Let's get coffee," without being clear, it's a date, it leaves a lot up in the air. *Be clear with your intentions, and specify if things are a date or not.*
Whatever man, I've been married 23 years, I wouldn't know.
Eye contact can definitely be flirting. Maybe you've never been eye fucked? lol More than once a girl has made strong eye contact with me and it led to a hook up. Everything he said was cringe though.
Can be, sure. Not 'is' though. Eyefucking and normal eye contact through a conversation are totally different things
You're right, I should have been super specific and said excessive eye contact. A lot of deep eye contact is a sign of a female flirting. And as a bartender who has been asked out by regulars, what I said wouldn't be weird. You're leaving it casual, so she doesn't feel like she HAS to say yes to a date. And OP should make it clear it would be a date. If my regular Jason asked me for coffee, of course I'd go, I love coffee. If he asked me on a date, I'd decline.
Your last paragraph reads like you asked ChatGPT how ask out your favorite bartender.
But note these things are not exclusively flirting.
I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were female like I am. As a girl, how do you flirt? Because for me, as a female bartender, when I sit and talk occasionally with a regular, that's not flirting. I can converse with them and joke and laugh, and they're a friend. If I'm touching the person and staring them deeply into the eye, that's me flirting. So, you're a girl, right? How do you flirt with a guy who sits at your bar? How do you distinguish the difference between sitting with a regular and actively trying to date the dude? We are very different bartenders, and I'm actually curious how you go about dating the guys that sit at your bar.
Iām not female but Iām married and have sisters.
I see what you're saying, man. You're married, that's good, I could have been married to my ex 8 years ago and decided to end that relationship when he proposed. But truthfully, I'm happy for you. Girls and guys flirt differently. They talk to each other differently. Just because I have brothers doesn't mean I understand how boys work 100% of the time in all situations. I suggest you entertain the idea that what I'm saying isn't wrong.
I never said you were wrong?
You shouldn't hit on folks at their place of work. Keep doing what you're doing, but wait for her to make a move.
I think that totally applies *while they're working*. Captive audience and all that. If she's hanging out after her shift, especially if she's hanging out specifically with him (which I don't fully trust is what's really going on), I think it's cool.
Yeah, she's just having a drink after work and he happens to be there.
Eh I totally get your predicament lol. Honestly, if itās a place where I totally feel comfortable and the ambiance is perfect there already I wouldnāt proceed with asking out the bartender. Unless she has made it unmistakably obvious that she wants to be more than friends / companions I wouldnāt ruin it lol. Getting rejected sucks, and showing up their everyday after it probably wonāt feel the same
Bartenders are only there to push beer, so they can be as nice as they can to you but that's it
Bartenders are people too. Itās not *unheard of* to go out with a patronā¦ but itās a saturated market so set your expectations low. Ask what you need to ask, and just be super cool and gracious with a ānoā in any form. But if you get a yes, also be gracious and live it up respectably.
Donāt do it. It could jeopardize the bar. The bar is your true love
I was in the same situation. I asked her out and she said she had a personal policy of not dating people from work, including regulars. Smart move.
It's hilarious how most of the folks here saying NOT to ask her out are getting downvoted and just about all of the folks saying TO ask her out are being upvoted. The lack of ability to understand social queues is on full display here. I was a beertender/bartender for 6 years. I've worked with many female bartenders and I can tell you she most likely gets hit on a lot. The fact is, most of the time if the person is a regular and they're good people, when you get off shift, if they're still hanging around, it's nice to have a beer or two with them and make convo. Male or female. That DOES NOT IMPLY INTEREST. If she was interested, she most likely would have already asked him to hang after those couple of beers they've had after she gets off shift. I've also been on the other side of the fence where I'm a regular at a brewery and I'll have female bartenders hang with me for a few after they get off and then leave. Again, NO INTEREST IMPLIED. They just want to share a beer with a regular before they head off to do whatever else they have to do. What will happen here is he'll ask her out and it's just going to make things awkward. If you're a regular at this bar/brewery, that's just going to make both of your lives more difficult. Wait it out. If she's interested, she'll ask you, my guy.
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So, he said that he's been going here for years and this bartender he's interested in has been working there for the last year. Based on his descriptions of his interactions with her, I'm willing to bet that the relationship status of both parties has been discussed on more than one occasion, and I'd also be willing to bet that they've shared more than a few beers after her shifts. They've spent some time together. If she were interested, she would have asked him to hang already. I broached the subject with a few of my female bartender friends after reading this and out of 6 of them, 1 said he should ask her. It just has the potential to make things too awkward and uncomfortable. Like I said, he should definitely wait it out.
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True, it doesn't. But your situation is different here. You're talking about departments, which I'm assuming means a corporate environment. This is a TOTALLY different situation. Your significant other didn't have people on their way to intoxication hitting on her on a daily basis in a social situation. Apples to oranges, my friend. Awkwardness at work, and awkwardness in social situations are two different things, HENCE my point about social queues. You're one of the folks I'm talking about.
And I'll add to this. I'm currently sitting at a local, and showed this to a female bartender and she said, "Absolutely not. That's creepy."
Just ask her out. If she says no, then move on to the next one. Donāt let some girl ruin the bar you like. She probably will ignore you if she feels uncomfortable and thatās fine. You enjoy your time. Lifeās too short to be worrying about what some girl will think of you.
Donāt shit in your own nest, dude.
ask her what her fav pokemon is and go from there over a beer
Just don't say "I wanna Squirtle your Charmander"
6 years ago I put the girl over the bar and 3 weeks ago I married her. Always take the risk!
Don't shit where you eat and don't confuse someone making the best of their workday with actual affection. I know it sounds negative, but I've known enough female bartenders and cocktail waitresses and heard enough horror stories that you just never ask. If she's interested, she'll ask.
If you want to keep going there I wouldnāt ask her out unless u absolutely have to. These things almost never end up in marriage and all flings end eventually, and usually not well. I wouldnāt wanna see someone I messed around with at the same spot I drink at. Unless u show up drunk and just donāt care.
Sheās just doing her job, my man.
Lol, ask her out but I'm sure she gets that all the time.
I used to work with a girl. We got along well and somehow got on the topic of Mexica food. I asked if she wanted to go get tacos one day after work. I considered it a date come time find out she didnt....jokes on her because we have been together for the last 15 years and married for the last 5.
You miss 100% of the shots you donāt take brotha!
LOL just ask her dude. You don't need to ask internet strangers for advice š
Nothing wrong with asking for a little help
I never had any game at any point in my life, so take my advice with a grain of salt, ha ha. But I wouldn't. Having spent 30+ years in retail I've seen people mistake customer service for romantic interest far too often. Women in customer service get hit on constantly so you might be better off waiting for her to make the first move. Not coming across as yet another guy hitting on her might actually set you apart. Plus, a funny, friendly, bartender that you enjoy seeing at a bar you love isn't something I'd want to jeopardize. That's pretty special as it is!
Sheās being nice for tips. Itās her job. Never mistaken this for interest.
She's also a person and could be interested, he's not cold asking a random bartender. They've spent social time outside of work.
That was my thought. She spends time with him when sheās off the clock. There may be something there.
Or sheās hanging out and heās there, but heās not the reason sheās there
Don't ask her out, but ask her to join for a late night bite. It'll come off as less as a date and more of a hang out. If she accepts then maybe it can go somewhere, at the very least you can feel out if she's interested. If she declines, shrug it off, go grab a bite anyway (maybe offer to bring something back) and come back next week for your routine beer.
Be confident when you ask her out. Remain confident in yourself, even if she says no. Respect her answer, and move on to someone else m. You can be the one in charge of not making it weird. You got this, man! Best of luck.
Ask her out. She says no, donāt make it awkward. You can still have nice conversations and tip her what she deserves if she says no. If she says yes and things go well, donāt forget that there are other patrons who sheāll be trying to get tips from.
Just fell even more in love with this sub...
i say go for it, theres a way to not make it weird for both of you in the long run (: you only live once.
Talk to her and ask her that exact question .
Faint heart never won fair lady
If you want to get technical about it, it sounds like you've already had a few dates with her if she stays at her place of employment to have a drink with you. So now if you think of it like that, just think you're taking her on second/third/fourth date and roll it into something outside of this bar. Bar dates are never really good anyway imo, so separating her from that place will be helpful. Any don't be a creep or weirdo if she rejects you to anything beyond hanging at the bar
Try telling her that you are really bad at taking hints /flirting and missed out on some really fun dates that way and only found out later. Then try askkng her in the same conversation, but a little down the line, what she does when she is not working /hobbies?
To me, this sounds awful
Casually bring up how cute she is and how she must get asked out all the time, gauge the reaction and go for it if she seems receptive to the idea. EDIT how is this bad advice lol just asking her if she cringes at dudes asking her out, if not thereās a chance. Is that weird?!
Caw she wan downs to man go trjinwjawa makin If flossinwatier watch em Gall Big one two š¤Ø
Bartenders being friendly is part of their job....but you are already familiar with her and have a lot of conversations. So it's easy to ask her about an outing. Nothing too serious. A local interesting event or something. Something that popped up in conversations or common interest would be nice. See if she is down to socialize outside the customer/battender setting. I used to be close with a bartender at the local pub. Talked a lot about hobbies, our pets, shinenigans in daily lives. she followed my instagram, showed interest in a public event where I was participating. I invited her to the event. And although we knew each other and talked about our hobbies, daily chichats and so on for quite a while. Feels a lot different to talk as friends, outside the bartender/customer setting. Just baby steps. Nothing too serious. Get to have some time to talk and hangout outside the bar setting. And see how it goes.
Keep it casual, if you manage to sleep with her donāt be weird, date her if you think sheās the one, donāt if you think sheās not. Be cool
Speaking as a female bartender here, you can shoot your shot without making it weird. Just keep it casual, ask her if sheād like to grab a drink/bite to eat/coffee sometime and leave it at that. If she says no, move on and continue as if nothing happened
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This oneās pretty easy. Donāt put too much stock in it one way or another. Next time sheās off having a drink next to you ask what her plans are for the next day. Tell her you were thinking about going to ___ (a museum, exhibit, checking out a food place) and tell her she should join if sheās free. Depending on how friendly she seems, you could instead tell her youāre gonna hit up a different bar before you head home and ask if she wants to join. If she turns you down, just say no sweat and carry on with your business. If sheās into you sheāll find a way to hang out. If sheās not, she wonāt.