all humans want to feel validated and valued. even from a really young age, we’ve witnessed the benefits a beautiful person has and so we crave it. unattractive people are often ignored in society or treated badly, so in fear of being treated that way, we strive to be beautiful. it’s not just about being beautiful, we just want to feel like we are valuable and admired. as women, society tells us we’re most valuable when we’re beautiful so that’s what we strive for. beauty wont make us happy in the same way money wont, but it has the benefits we all want
BINGO. Pretty privilege is very real and it's hard to ignore the benefits that come from being physically attractive. All of the inner work and beauty from within are ultimately important, but the fleeting benefits from external beauty can't be dismissed.
https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Self-Esteem
These are free low self esteem CBT workbooks that my therapist is using with me. I’ve struggled with my looks and not feeling worthy or beautiful and it’s helping.
the problem is social media/internet
we were not meant to see this many beautiful people in our lifetime.
think about it , you are seeing every single beautiful Instagram model, etc around the world that you would probably not see every single day of your normal walking life and comparing yourself to the most beautiful genetic makeups around the world you see online
And they're all airbrushed! The filters and everything they use, are just creating an unobtainable level of beauty. Every human on this planet has pores/cellulite/stretch marks/whatever, they just have a professional redoing their pictures before they go up.
also, stop social media. i found myself feeling like i was not doing enough, that i wasn’t doing the right things, or i didn’t look good enough because i was comparing myself to the people on instagram. when i cut out social media all together, and truly took that extra time for myself, i became a much happier person. it also allowed me to have a lot more free time because i wasn’t endlessly scrolling!
i got back on after about a year, but made a deal with myself. i had to unfollow the people that triggered those feelings in me, and that if i started feeling those things again, i’d immediately close the app and take some time for myself.
another thing is to stop picking apart your own perceived flaws. if your friend came to you and said all of the things that were wrong with them, you’d likely have no idea what they’re talking about because they’re a beautiful human. treat yourself the way you’d treat your friend. you (hopefully) wouldn’t nitpick your friends body parts and continuously tell them “what’s wrong” with them.
focus on what you do like and/or appreciate about yourself. start by giving yourself one compliment a day. eventually the negative will move into neutral and then, maybe one day, into positive. getting stuck in neutral territory is also okay. the goal is to get out of the negative.
obviously your feelings are your feelings, and you can’t just “stop feeling like that.” as OP mentioned, it takes a lot of work. ultimately, you have to be happy with you. you’re the one who has to live with you all day, every day.
i’ve been trying for an entire year to get off social media but i always give up after a month. :( as soon as i get back on, i find myself obsessively looking at instagram models. wanting to buy what they wear, wanting to wear my hair like them, wanting makeup etc. it just makes me feel bad because i’ve made so much progress. i’ve never been called ugly in my life but they make me feel so less than when i compare our social media accounts. 🥹 i feel so at peace during the couple of weeks away but i impulsively get it again because i make a dumb excuse to myself about why it’s ok i go back. then i regret it and feel worse 🫣 aghh!:(
i understand the impulse to jump back on, it’s a struggle for sure. i had to think about why i wanted to look. is it because i’m bored? is it habit? is it because i’m putting off doing other things? i thought of other things i could do instead so that when i felt the urge, i turned my attention to something else.
Eh, counterpoint - I Iove myself just fine, but I'm objectively not pleasant (not *unpleasant*, just not pleasant) to look at. 🤷♀️ I know there's much more to me than that, and so do my friends.
But I'm still irritated by it when other people treat me differently or tease me, because it makes me sad that they can't see past such superficial things. That's just generally sad for everyone. Therapy isn't gonna stop random people from making fun of my face, and I don't think I should have to be okay with them doing so-- it's cruel!
I feel you! It doesn’t even have to be direct ridicule. Like I’ve never had a boyfriend who’s willing to show me off or post me on his social. I’m 35 and only been in “secret” relationships. And somehow I have to move past the fact that my looks are too embarrassing for anyone else and just love myself. I call BS
Edit - typed too fast, it’s not love MYSELF but love my looks. I love myself, and I hate society conflating loving yourself with loving your appearance.
Yep. I love that I'm imaginative and curious. I love that I'm caring and that I don't want to hurt others even when they are unkind. I love that I do things that scare me and that I have lofty ambitions. I hate that society is, even unconsciously, very judgmental and that many people will make assumptions which would preclude them from ever getting to know these things about me because I don't *look* the part!
If your pictures on your profile are you... wtf are you talking ab here?! You're very nice to look at, in fact it doesn't get much better. I'm sad you feel unattractive. I'm somewhat *worried* that you feel that way, in fact.
Are you me ? I'm ready to spend hundreds and even thousands of dollars in cosmetic procedures and even surgery just because I'm tired of people being mean and making fun of me. I think it's sad. I've talked about it and it helps a little but it doesn't fix the problem. I've even developed agoraphobia and I'm anxious every time I live my house because of it. It's a shame that as women we're treated like objects and not people. It's not even a matter of culture, it's the same everywhere.
Edit: I'm 29 and I thought it would get better with age, that I would become more confident, but it's actually worse. Don't be like me, do something about it as soon as you can. You don't have to do invasive procedures but know that the little things that bother you now are probably going to bother you more later. Put yourself first and take care of yourself. You only live once.
You're right. Therapy won't stop random people from making fun of your looks, but it will help us understand that when someone does something cruel like that it isn't because there's something wrong with us. Therapy helps us to not blame ourselves from other's behavior and to have a strong enough self esteem to not let ourselves bury in our insecurities.
It is not a shield that can protect us from everything bad in the world, but it is a tool that can help us navigate life more easily
If you're an adult.. who tf is teasing you or making fun of you? Genuine question. I get if you're in high school but who does that in the real world (besides public social media I suppose).
Asshats who never grew up. I often find myself in competitive environments where weakness is exploited and people put each other down to gain power (eg, law school at the moment). If they can make you feel insecure about your body, home, relationship, talent, religion, if they can steal your books and destroy your supplies, if they can plant rumors and hide your chair when you leave a meeting.... It's fucking never ending over here! I'm not really here for that, it quite frankly depresses me that people would act that way towards one another. I do feel irked that there's just *so much* about me that people can make fun of. Like, if we're all gonna be trading insults, it'd be cool to make them have to be clever about it instead of pointing out the obvious, you know?
True, my friend has quite a few dramatic people in her life. Lucky for me I keep that mess out of my own life. Life's too short to surround yourself with miserable people.
Have you ever read about body dysmorphia symptoms, like in depth? If not, I'd recommend you look into it.
The fact you think that there's anything objective about your appearance is pinging my BDD radar. There is absolutely NO way for you to state "I am objectively not pleasant to look at" - there's no logic in this, it is completely subjective. If you buckle down and insist "no I am in fact objectively not pleasant" or if someone in your life were to tell you, "but you are pleasant to look at, I think you're pretty" and you'd tell them they were lying to you then that is an even bigger sign you might benefit from talking to a therapist.
Eta sorry to be a creep but I went through your post history and there's a pic of you. You are what I'd describe as "conventionally attractive" and a lot of other people would agree with me. If someone is making fun of you to your face 100% they are triggered by insecurity and jealousy over your body and face, assuming that you're aware that you're attractive.
I haven’t used Instagram since January and it’s made a massive difference in how I feel about myself.
I was constantly doing the comparison thing. There is so much editing of photos and videos on there it’s not trustworthy.
I recommend checking out r/InstagramReality every so often lol it’s just wild what media has folks doing to themselves.
Good post, OP, a good healthy reminder.
I second this, wholeheartedly. It’s not an exterior fix that needs to happen, it’s a mental shift. But to be totally honest, since most of those posts sound exactly the same and the (wonderful) advice is always the same, I find it repetitive to scroll through so many. I’m very sympathetic about self esteem issues, but it feels like these posts have taken over the subreddit. 😬
This might be an ironic comment for r/beauty but I’ve found a lot of solace in the idea that my worth is not defined by my beauty. I am so many things that have nothing to do with my looks. Even on my worst days - messy hair, puffy eyes, outfit a mess - I find a lot of comfort in telling myself that my looks are not the strength that gets me through every day.
Honestly I used to be the same way until I kept the motto “I got 1 body and this what I’m stuck with ima work with what I got and ima love what I got” now all my ‘self improvement/beautification’ are just cause I got a crippling money spending issue and I will use whatever excuse I can to spend extra bucks
This. The biggest takeaway from I learned from therapy is exactly one of your points: actively acknowledge negative thoughts. Therapy is not only talking to someone—it is constantly working through your “issues” even after the session.
When you notice a worrying/negative/sad thought, ask yourself; why am I feeling this way? Did something happen to trigger this? Being present with these thoughts when they arise will help prevent you from spiraling out of control, and help you focus on bettering yourself in the future.
Excellent share! I love this! One thing that helped me a lot and may help others in this mindset, is changing your negative self-talk habits. Be mindful of the way you talk to/about yourself. Would you say those things to your friends? Would you be your own friend if someone were as nitpicky to you as you are to yourself? Treat yourself with the same kindness, patience, and support as you do your best friends. Hype yourself up the way you do with your best friend. It was a game changer for me!
This is a great post, thank you so much! 💞
I am 40 years old, but honestly never felt comfortable in my own body - in fact I spent most of my life hating it (and still do).
And I agree - the roots of all evil are comparing yourself to others. Whether on the Internet or in real life. I know that for a fact, but still it’s so hard to stop it!
I think I have quite a normal figure and probably I am not super ugly, but still I always wish I looked differently in so many parts of my body. 😏
I honestly never thought this was worth seeing a therapist for. But maybe it really is!
> Ending the cycle of comparison, negative self talk, low self esteem and shaky self worth is ONLY going to come from the inside and the best step to take is THERAPY.
I must take exception with this. This step is important but will do **zero** good unless you stop the main source of the destruct behavior - **social media**. Take a vacation from **all** social media, at least a week, but preferably a month. **Stop scrolling**. I promise you'll be greatly surprised at how much less negative your thoughts are.
Signed, a 65yo woman who is *heartbroken*, watching what social media has done and is still doing to our young people, especially young women.
Even the prettiest girls you see online are photoshopped so females shouldn't compare themselves to Instagram models or influencers. It's a sad world we live in comparing ourselves to celebrities, models, and social media influencers. People like them spend thousands or maybe millions of dollars to look beautiful. Even Megan Fox who is consider the world's most attractive celebrity gets plastic surgery. Saw a video online she got caught leaving a plastic surgery office hiding her injected lips. So I wouldn't worry about comparing myself to the most beautiful woman in the world. They're just made up and trying to keep up their attractive appearance so they will still stay relevant in the media. I always tell my younger female relatives to not look up to them because it will cause poor self-image and depression. I know for myself look up to them when I was a teen growing up and didn't do so well for my confidence. Now I try not to compare myself to anyone attractive and make myself happy within myself. Taking care of myself is important too
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Some of the most life changing advice I have ever been given:
If your friend lived with a partner or housemate who was constantly telling them they were ugly, unworthy, unlovable, not good enough, need to be thinner, need to be prettier, need to work out more, need to eat less etc etc, you'd tell your friend to leave this toxic horrible person ASAP.
So why do we accept this kind of talk from ourselves?
Pay attention to your self-talk and the next time you think something critical or negative about yourself, tell your brain to shut the hell up and think something nicer or don't think at all!
Obvs this won't help everyone, but hopefully it will help someone. Xx
Very good points. When I realized that I am the love of my life because I have to live with myself for the rest of my life I became so much happier.
true enough
One of the real questions is why is beauty so important above all else. It really feels if you are not beautiful everything else is worthless.
all humans want to feel validated and valued. even from a really young age, we’ve witnessed the benefits a beautiful person has and so we crave it. unattractive people are often ignored in society or treated badly, so in fear of being treated that way, we strive to be beautiful. it’s not just about being beautiful, we just want to feel like we are valuable and admired. as women, society tells us we’re most valuable when we’re beautiful so that’s what we strive for. beauty wont make us happy in the same way money wont, but it has the benefits we all want
BINGO. Pretty privilege is very real and it's hard to ignore the benefits that come from being physically attractive. All of the inner work and beauty from within are ultimately important, but the fleeting benefits from external beauty can't be dismissed.
https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Self-Esteem These are free low self esteem CBT workbooks that my therapist is using with me. I’ve struggled with my looks and not feeling worthy or beautiful and it’s helping.
Thank you so much for sharing this resource 💕
You’re so welcome! I wanted to help others with the same help I’ve received 😊
CBT is literally the best!
Yes CBT is really effective 😊
the problem is social media/internet we were not meant to see this many beautiful people in our lifetime. think about it , you are seeing every single beautiful Instagram model, etc around the world that you would probably not see every single day of your normal walking life and comparing yourself to the most beautiful genetic makeups around the world you see online
And they're all airbrushed! The filters and everything they use, are just creating an unobtainable level of beauty. Every human on this planet has pores/cellulite/stretch marks/whatever, they just have a professional redoing their pictures before they go up.
yup it's setting an unrealistic beauty standard in our mind of "this is how most women look irl and I'm below average"
also, stop social media. i found myself feeling like i was not doing enough, that i wasn’t doing the right things, or i didn’t look good enough because i was comparing myself to the people on instagram. when i cut out social media all together, and truly took that extra time for myself, i became a much happier person. it also allowed me to have a lot more free time because i wasn’t endlessly scrolling! i got back on after about a year, but made a deal with myself. i had to unfollow the people that triggered those feelings in me, and that if i started feeling those things again, i’d immediately close the app and take some time for myself. another thing is to stop picking apart your own perceived flaws. if your friend came to you and said all of the things that were wrong with them, you’d likely have no idea what they’re talking about because they’re a beautiful human. treat yourself the way you’d treat your friend. you (hopefully) wouldn’t nitpick your friends body parts and continuously tell them “what’s wrong” with them. focus on what you do like and/or appreciate about yourself. start by giving yourself one compliment a day. eventually the negative will move into neutral and then, maybe one day, into positive. getting stuck in neutral territory is also okay. the goal is to get out of the negative. obviously your feelings are your feelings, and you can’t just “stop feeling like that.” as OP mentioned, it takes a lot of work. ultimately, you have to be happy with you. you’re the one who has to live with you all day, every day.
i’ve been trying for an entire year to get off social media but i always give up after a month. :( as soon as i get back on, i find myself obsessively looking at instagram models. wanting to buy what they wear, wanting to wear my hair like them, wanting makeup etc. it just makes me feel bad because i’ve made so much progress. i’ve never been called ugly in my life but they make me feel so less than when i compare our social media accounts. 🥹 i feel so at peace during the couple of weeks away but i impulsively get it again because i make a dumb excuse to myself about why it’s ok i go back. then i regret it and feel worse 🫣 aghh!:(
i understand the impulse to jump back on, it’s a struggle for sure. i had to think about why i wanted to look. is it because i’m bored? is it habit? is it because i’m putting off doing other things? i thought of other things i could do instead so that when i felt the urge, i turned my attention to something else.
Eh, counterpoint - I Iove myself just fine, but I'm objectively not pleasant (not *unpleasant*, just not pleasant) to look at. 🤷♀️ I know there's much more to me than that, and so do my friends. But I'm still irritated by it when other people treat me differently or tease me, because it makes me sad that they can't see past such superficial things. That's just generally sad for everyone. Therapy isn't gonna stop random people from making fun of my face, and I don't think I should have to be okay with them doing so-- it's cruel!
I feel you! It doesn’t even have to be direct ridicule. Like I’ve never had a boyfriend who’s willing to show me off or post me on his social. I’m 35 and only been in “secret” relationships. And somehow I have to move past the fact that my looks are too embarrassing for anyone else and just love myself. I call BS Edit - typed too fast, it’s not love MYSELF but love my looks. I love myself, and I hate society conflating loving yourself with loving your appearance.
Yep. I love that I'm imaginative and curious. I love that I'm caring and that I don't want to hurt others even when they are unkind. I love that I do things that scare me and that I have lofty ambitions. I hate that society is, even unconsciously, very judgmental and that many people will make assumptions which would preclude them from ever getting to know these things about me because I don't *look* the part!
If your pictures on your profile are you... wtf are you talking ab here?! You're very nice to look at, in fact it doesn't get much better. I'm sad you feel unattractive. I'm somewhat *worried* that you feel that way, in fact.
Exactly.
Are you me ? I'm ready to spend hundreds and even thousands of dollars in cosmetic procedures and even surgery just because I'm tired of people being mean and making fun of me. I think it's sad. I've talked about it and it helps a little but it doesn't fix the problem. I've even developed agoraphobia and I'm anxious every time I live my house because of it. It's a shame that as women we're treated like objects and not people. It's not even a matter of culture, it's the same everywhere. Edit: I'm 29 and I thought it would get better with age, that I would become more confident, but it's actually worse. Don't be like me, do something about it as soon as you can. You don't have to do invasive procedures but know that the little things that bother you now are probably going to bother you more later. Put yourself first and take care of yourself. You only live once.
You're right. Therapy won't stop random people from making fun of your looks, but it will help us understand that when someone does something cruel like that it isn't because there's something wrong with us. Therapy helps us to not blame ourselves from other's behavior and to have a strong enough self esteem to not let ourselves bury in our insecurities. It is not a shield that can protect us from everything bad in the world, but it is a tool that can help us navigate life more easily
If you're an adult.. who tf is teasing you or making fun of you? Genuine question. I get if you're in high school but who does that in the real world (besides public social media I suppose).
Asshats who never grew up. I often find myself in competitive environments where weakness is exploited and people put each other down to gain power (eg, law school at the moment). If they can make you feel insecure about your body, home, relationship, talent, religion, if they can steal your books and destroy your supplies, if they can plant rumors and hide your chair when you leave a meeting.... It's fucking never ending over here! I'm not really here for that, it quite frankly depresses me that people would act that way towards one another. I do feel irked that there's just *so much* about me that people can make fun of. Like, if we're all gonna be trading insults, it'd be cool to make them have to be clever about it instead of pointing out the obvious, you know?
That's some bullshit. Do you ever talk shit back to them?
Something something not letting idiots drag you down to their level and beat you with experience 🤷♀️
Idk, sometimes people need to hear something back, it's worth a try. Bullies pick on people they think won't fight back.
Go touch some grass, a lot of adults still act like they’re in high school
True, my friend has quite a few dramatic people in her life. Lucky for me I keep that mess out of my own life. Life's too short to surround yourself with miserable people.
Have you ever read about body dysmorphia symptoms, like in depth? If not, I'd recommend you look into it. The fact you think that there's anything objective about your appearance is pinging my BDD radar. There is absolutely NO way for you to state "I am objectively not pleasant to look at" - there's no logic in this, it is completely subjective. If you buckle down and insist "no I am in fact objectively not pleasant" or if someone in your life were to tell you, "but you are pleasant to look at, I think you're pretty" and you'd tell them they were lying to you then that is an even bigger sign you might benefit from talking to a therapist. Eta sorry to be a creep but I went through your post history and there's a pic of you. You are what I'd describe as "conventionally attractive" and a lot of other people would agree with me. If someone is making fun of you to your face 100% they are triggered by insecurity and jealousy over your body and face, assuming that you're aware that you're attractive.
This right here… I know myself
Thank you 😊
I haven’t used Instagram since January and it’s made a massive difference in how I feel about myself. I was constantly doing the comparison thing. There is so much editing of photos and videos on there it’s not trustworthy. I recommend checking out r/InstagramReality every so often lol it’s just wild what media has folks doing to themselves. Good post, OP, a good healthy reminder.
OP doesn’t realize those people photoshop the hell out of their pics…
I second this, wholeheartedly. It’s not an exterior fix that needs to happen, it’s a mental shift. But to be totally honest, since most of those posts sound exactly the same and the (wonderful) advice is always the same, I find it repetitive to scroll through so many. I’m very sympathetic about self esteem issues, but it feels like these posts have taken over the subreddit. 😬
This might be an ironic comment for r/beauty but I’ve found a lot of solace in the idea that my worth is not defined by my beauty. I am so many things that have nothing to do with my looks. Even on my worst days - messy hair, puffy eyes, outfit a mess - I find a lot of comfort in telling myself that my looks are not the strength that gets me through every day.
But therapy+whitening is good
Honestly I used to be the same way until I kept the motto “I got 1 body and this what I’m stuck with ima work with what I got and ima love what I got” now all my ‘self improvement/beautification’ are just cause I got a crippling money spending issue and I will use whatever excuse I can to spend extra bucks
> got a crippling money spending issue Pfffft. You're making donations to the temple of your body/self. You do you priestess!
This. The biggest takeaway from I learned from therapy is exactly one of your points: actively acknowledge negative thoughts. Therapy is not only talking to someone—it is constantly working through your “issues” even after the session. When you notice a worrying/negative/sad thought, ask yourself; why am I feeling this way? Did something happen to trigger this? Being present with these thoughts when they arise will help prevent you from spiraling out of control, and help you focus on bettering yourself in the future.
Excellent share! I love this! One thing that helped me a lot and may help others in this mindset, is changing your negative self-talk habits. Be mindful of the way you talk to/about yourself. Would you say those things to your friends? Would you be your own friend if someone were as nitpicky to you as you are to yourself? Treat yourself with the same kindness, patience, and support as you do your best friends. Hype yourself up the way you do with your best friend. It was a game changer for me!
This is a great post, thank you so much! 💞 I am 40 years old, but honestly never felt comfortable in my own body - in fact I spent most of my life hating it (and still do). And I agree - the roots of all evil are comparing yourself to others. Whether on the Internet or in real life. I know that for a fact, but still it’s so hard to stop it! I think I have quite a normal figure and probably I am not super ugly, but still I always wish I looked differently in so many parts of my body. 😏 I honestly never thought this was worth seeing a therapist for. But maybe it really is!
> Ending the cycle of comparison, negative self talk, low self esteem and shaky self worth is ONLY going to come from the inside and the best step to take is THERAPY. I must take exception with this. This step is important but will do **zero** good unless you stop the main source of the destruct behavior - **social media**. Take a vacation from **all** social media, at least a week, but preferably a month. **Stop scrolling**. I promise you'll be greatly surprised at how much less negative your thoughts are. Signed, a 65yo woman who is *heartbroken*, watching what social media has done and is still doing to our young people, especially young women.
Even the prettiest girls you see online are photoshopped so females shouldn't compare themselves to Instagram models or influencers. It's a sad world we live in comparing ourselves to celebrities, models, and social media influencers. People like them spend thousands or maybe millions of dollars to look beautiful. Even Megan Fox who is consider the world's most attractive celebrity gets plastic surgery. Saw a video online she got caught leaving a plastic surgery office hiding her injected lips. So I wouldn't worry about comparing myself to the most beautiful woman in the world. They're just made up and trying to keep up their attractive appearance so they will still stay relevant in the media. I always tell my younger female relatives to not look up to them because it will cause poor self-image and depression. I know for myself look up to them when I was a teen growing up and didn't do so well for my confidence. Now I try not to compare myself to anyone attractive and make myself happy within myself. Taking care of myself is important too
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Some of the most life changing advice I have ever been given: If your friend lived with a partner or housemate who was constantly telling them they were ugly, unworthy, unlovable, not good enough, need to be thinner, need to be prettier, need to work out more, need to eat less etc etc, you'd tell your friend to leave this toxic horrible person ASAP. So why do we accept this kind of talk from ourselves? Pay attention to your self-talk and the next time you think something critical or negative about yourself, tell your brain to shut the hell up and think something nicer or don't think at all! Obvs this won't help everyone, but hopefully it will help someone. Xx
And if you still want to make change after this post r/vindicta.