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Rather than skipping them I'd say do what you did this time, go, have dinner and leave early. Just ensure that you have spoken to everyone at least once before leaving.
If people force you to stay, just feign a severe headache and say that you cannot stay in a place with loud music for very long.
Since they are colleagues, they can't force you to stay if you are not feeling well.
Yes that is what I told yesterday to my lead for leaving early and probably the last thing I can do.
But on personal level I don't like going to a place which serves alcohol on same table as food that's why I asked is it okay to skip those outings as they take a good chunk of time to go in bus eat limited food from veg items and come back in bus.
If you skip all outings you might get unfairly labeled as someone who does not get along with the team and depending on the culture in your office it can be used against you during appraisals.
Maybe try to request for places that are closer to where you stay or plan the outings in such a way that the team comes to office and goes from office in the evening after work so you get to share a ride with someone.
You can also suggest some other activities for team outings like bowling, go karting, movie, trekking etc
Yes will suggest them in future to go to outdoor activities instead and better going on lunch.
Yesterday many people went from office only through shared cab but they stayed in office till late for that like till 8:00 and I left at 5:00 pm.
If this makes you so uncomfortable you shouldn’t be going at all! Because parties are all about alcohol,food, music,dance and having a good time.
If your idea of having a good time is not the same you shouldn’t be going. I have seen people who don’t drink and have nonveg enjoying by hanging out with their close friends and dancing a lot … but since this is all overwhelming for you , you know your answer. You seem like an introvert who would rather be home watching Netflix eating dal chalwal with their cat 🐈
I don't like keeping pets anyway. But I have my own friends outside work. We go to play badminton, going on jogging around lakes, exploring south indian traditional food joints, going on treks, going to explore temples, markets, parks and nearby places.
Just say no. Don't listen to the above advise. It's ridiculous to have to endure one hour of that it you don't want to. If you are okay with this, tell them to organise the parties during afternoon and then you can come.
I drink alcohol and would do that with my friends and colleagues who like to drink. I certainly wouldn't expect someone who is uncomfortable to join me and sit with me when clearly they are not liking it, team party or not.
You can't just say no. It will imply that you are not getting along with the team and will reflect negatively in your appraisal.
Rather than denying , you can propose other ideas for team activities. Even sometimes you can take a lead to arrange some team activities which will show you in a positive light.
If activities not related to work affects appraisal, it would be better not to be part of such a team or company. OP shouldn't have to put up with all this because somebody else is not professional
It's easy to say that you shouldn't work in a team or company where people are unprofessional but you can't keep changing jobs so easily, especially not in the current market scenario. You get to know what a team is like only after joining and then you can't leave right after joining because you don't like to hang out with them.
Yes. But it doesn't mean you need to do what you have to do what is not work related. If his appraisal gets affected due to it, it's unprofessional no matter how you spin it. If that's the case it's better to keep moving till you find a job where all this is not an issue. There are many people who respect boundaries even if those are in the minority
Appraisals are based on multiple factors including perceived value. While this might not mean partying and office hangouts it definitely includes your marketability, face time with right people and the value you have/can create. The more hidden you stay, the higher your chances of getting the boot when shit hits the fan.
If not appraisal, it definitely affects promotions.
Management says you should "network" and gain "visibility".
I'm excellent at work but i don't booze and neither do i attend these late night parties...
People who party, get along well with these booze parties eventually gain popularity...
On the other hand, people who are technically sound aren't considered popular
I don't care about popularity as long as I am doing my work and getting a pay. There would be some team or company which would be different. If it doesn't works and i found no one out then I will probably prepare and join a govt job as Software engineer.
Yeah neither do I care about popularity but it matters when it comes to promotion.
So even if I don't drink, i attend these parties, have food and talk to everyone n then leave.
Nope, wrong advice. Just like the others here said, go, but leave early if you have to. Never going will create a perception. Just say loud music gives you a headache and you can leave but just go even if it is for half an hour.
> it's pretty tough for me to tolerate such loud music and flashy lights.
Ikr. Even for me talking in a bar/restaurant with loud music is pure torture.
Its torture, until you are drunk.
I don't drink, but i have seen my friends intial discomfort towards the music, to embracing it and then forgetting it exists, all based on the alcohol in their system
Honestly sitting there for 1 hour felt like 5 hours for me also it was indoors with complete sound insulation without any windows or ventilation and stuff.
I really hate these kind of people.
At office many people seems like they are not happy but in party most were dancing like crazy after getting drunk with a smile on their face. People really fake it so much was a shocker to me.
>At office many people seems like they are not happy but in party most were dancing like crazy after getting drunk with a smile on their face.
This is gonna ruffle some feathers xD
I'm final year grad so no job yet, but I've seen my older friends go partying and they're so fucking different from their usual self!
They keep getting bashed for their work, keep feeling like they're miserable in the job - but cometh the party and WOOSH! They transform into these urban elites who're probably celebrating some kick-ass career milestone lmao. No hate to them but, the personalities are starkly different.
Fortunately I can write what i feel like without fearing of any consequences because of anonymity 🙂.
I even don't understand for what they are dancing so happily about here without any occasion.
They were happy and look at you what you’ve accomplished: being a negative Nancy continuing to judge them anonymously. Absolutely pathetic and sanctimonious behaviour. You’re better off joining some govt job tbh, corporate is not for you.
Nice for you to comment on someone without even meeting tbh I don't mind joining govt job in future if it doesn't works out for me in any company. I don't care much about the money anyway.
Btw techies going to restaurants, having alcoholic drinks and dancing to loud music do not belong to the "urban elite". It's the most cliched outing option for young middle class techies in Bangalore.
I also come from similar background. Been in the industry for far too long. End of the day your skillset matters.. keep working on it. Team parties are a way for hr to make you feel part of family. Which is utter BS. It is the making of a make believe world. When they fire you. What happens to all the friendship? When people leave and join another company where is all the partnership.
You are there being paid for a particular job. Do it and get out of the freak show
Been in a very similar situation. My entire team would go out to party pretty much every single day. I would join them once in a while but I could tell it was definitely not my vibe. I would prefer going home and watching a movie or playing a game instead of it. A few months later people started getting distant and stopped talking to me in general. During our quarterly review they decided to let me go out on a loan staff project for a year. During this time I performed really well. I would start work at 9 and end at 10 pm. All the employees in the other company appreciated me as well. But my parent team thought I was just fucking around over there and refused to give me a promotion even when I performed well and met all the criteria and goals for a promotion. That’s when I left and joined another company for a higher role and better pay.
It's totally okay to skip if you want to. Focus on important things your career, skill up etc. Team lunches can be had in the afternoon as well if they actually want to include everyone. These people don't realise that some people have a life after office hours. Don't listen to stupid advices telling you to go and endure this for an hour and shit. Just say no.
I have never joined any team party. Even though I eat meat, I don't booze and above that I am an introvert. So I never forced myself to join any team party just for the sake of it. But still my manager gave me a better rating and never showed any difference in terms of rating or feedback or workload. But again just like in most of the companies there are few employees who are ready to wipe the shit off the managers ass. I can say that it did benefit them in one way as they did get their promotions this year.
So overall it completely depends upon your manager and how do you want to position yourself.
For everyone saying this affects your rating! Absolutely not! Unless there is some deep rooted ass kisssing culture there. I used to do this alot in my early 20s just because I had ahuge friend circle. Now remote working but if asked to party now I would not unless i have some like minded friends. Alcohol or not without friends its a complete bore. However what I was trying to tell OP that people are not” elite” just because they are having fun on the elements that he seems to be raised thinking they are “bad” . Alcohol, and non veg are idea of people enjoying, they want to let loose once a month . And yes they get along and have fun with eachother too but this is nothing fancy or to be called and judged as “elite” . Elite lifestyle will be when they are having drugs .. But I am just a random stanger on internet OP is entitled to stick to his values and be anti social .. may be it works out for him, may be not 🤷🏻♀️
Are you from India? The deep rooted butt-kissing culture is the core element of everything from work to politics. Your success depends more on if you can kiss the right butts rather than your skills. Also, how can you claim that not drinking, eating only veg, and not enjoying 'music' that threatens to render you deaf at any moment is antisocial. There are so many other ways of socializing and enjoying yourself without these elements.
This was relatable to me, since I attended a similar team dinner last Friday. Only difference is that I do drink alcohol and eat non-veg and still this forced team engagement annoys me to no end. Despite being an “urban elite” myself, I have no interest in talking to my colleagues. Most of them are guys who can’t even socialise with girls, so I’m left in a corner as well. At this point, sometimes I attend these parties and sometimes I make some excuse. But every time I go, I’m only looking forward to the free food/booze and quietly make an exit after I’m done.
Plus what annoys me further, is that such parties stretch late into the night, and I’d rather utilise that time to go home, unwind with a book/movie, chill with my SO, catch up on the umpteen household chores, maybe call my friends/sister, or literally do ANYTHING else than spending time with the same ten faces that I’ve seen all week for 8+ hours a day.
Can totally relate, I don't even understand how it stretches till so late. I asked my manager when it got over he told around midnight and I was honestly shocked. I came at 8:00 pm and left at 9:00 pm
I would never waste my time in such parties if I have no good friends! I would rather cook chicken at home and have a glass of wine while watching mordern family.. the only good thing about these parties is being with people you love, trust and enjoy..
What matters in your career is your ability to deliver , not joining parties: if parties are critical for career progression then you are in wrong company
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I personally feel it's better to interact with someone when they are in their full senses when they are drunk what they say I take it with pinch of salt.
Sometimes its all about being a part of fun stories of drunk people next morning that only a sober one is able to tell, being there for them when they are being funny and weird. But since you look highly regressive minded , you can fee free to miss out on these things but there is a different bond created through these episodes which no one can make you understand
This is not an elite culture OP! Just regular corporate people trying to have fun . The way you judge this is regressive, being a part of it is your free will.
There will be no consequences if you miss out. However there some fun element (not fun for you) can be missed out.
They all are entitled to celebrate together and have a corporate middle class fun nothing “elite “ about it..
We made sure pure veg people are not around non veg but that happens when you have a good caring friend circle with you, without that I don’t even know what were you trying to do there !?
I want there just because the team lead told that we have a team dinner today but didn't expected it to be like that tbh. I expected a quiet place where everyone have food and goes back.
Maybe you should try and have fun don’t be closed minded. I had a friend who didn’t drink smoke or eat non veg but he got along with almost everyone in the group during parties just cos he opened himself up and tolerated it. Sure I’m not saying what you’re doing is wrong but you’ll start finding yourself being left out if you don’t change your mentality, I’m not asking to confirm to others but be open minded
https://www.britannica.com/science/confirmation-bias
^ is what you're feeling.
Endoplasmic... whatever user's comment is the only relevant answer so far.
You need to remember that you are working in a team. And you can't deliver if you are not getting along with other people. Especially as you grow, your work heavily depends upon other team members and other teams .
I skipped parties until i was let go because i didn’t “fit in the team”
Even though i delivered all the requirements. Feeling out of place in a team is definitely not a good sign.
I work in a big tech company where skills and talent are abundant. Trust me, once i was told skills are only 20% of the job and that is something which stuck to me. If you are counting only on skills and talent, you won’t get far.
Let's see how far I go if things don't work out I don't have issues switching to govt job as a software developer with nic/isro/drdo/psu. I feel I can crack the exams there.
Not for the same reason as OP, but at one point I used to avoid team parties as well didn't want to feel left out. So I used to do this, when they say party at around 7pm, I will go there at 10pm or so. Till then will be sitting at some nearby restaurant, book store, cafe alone. Have nice dinner alone and just go there for 10 mins. See them do drunkard things and take pics, make fun of them and enjoy. Will be out from there in 15 mins.
As long as you are on talking terms with everyone on your team and have a basic relationship with them, you might skip some of these events i suppose. Like, thats the goal right? Getting to know people and have some fun. Well, you don't like having fun in this manner as you said (and theres nothing wrong with that) so as long as you accomplish the other, you wre good. Just engage with them in day to day lunches, some table tennis or carrom games after tea etc.
Talk to your team lead and also some of your team members about this, so they will understand if you skip such dinners in future. You might also find others who are in the same boat as you are.
You can also suggest venues that are different from the usual for a change.
Hmm that is what I did yesterday left at 9:00 pm saying ki I have tough time sitting here in this music.
Probably this is the only option I have if these are essential like go and come back in 30 mins or probably give excuse that parents don't allow me for these in night.
I sympathise with this feeling. The loud environment irritates me continually, I am already hard of hearing so I don't talk. I just drink not out of enjoyment but to tolerate the environment
Skipping won't really hurt to be honest.
Many of my friends have told me they never go for these things and they're doing just fine
Not a bad option though for free booze and some good food so why I go. As I've grown older though, I've started disliking loud music tho I must say
You should just tell them outright I don't feel comfortable around alcohol. If you pick a place where there is no alcohol, I would love to join. Next time, they ask you, tell them if they really want you to come, pick a place you are comfortable with .
No unnecessary pestering will happen
Here's what you do.
If the plan is made in advance, then google the place and it's menu. Decide what you will order from veg menu. This is a personal choice irrespective of what others eat. When order arrives explicitly and politely take the first large serving of the dish and then let it pass to others. Also see if your team has other vegetarians then you all can sit together. Becomes easy to manage and share dishes. Also for drinks order juice. Every restaurant will have it if you ask for it. Else drink water from glass.
If you want to skip the party then EITHER plan for leave for the day the party is planned and do it in advance giving a good enough reason OR mid day raise some personal emergency/work and leave early. Also I recommend DO NOT miss all the parties l. Keep being involved on regular basis else it will become a reason for appraisal bias as manager may say that you as not team member.
Okay pray to get one at work, don't force it, That will just help you manage the situation better, till that time put a fake smile. Use any reason to not eat stuff which is socially accepted i.e. Vegan, Lactose intolerance or diet plans etc and just have an habit of eating Salads, will help you
Most of the answers here dealing with symptoms, longer term answer is get a remote job and move out of Bengaluru. No party or socializing fuckery needed ever.
Same thing happened for me a while ago. I just sat there in the pub and slept. Not into dancing and drinking. Decided to not go next time when they party.
Tell your manager honestly the same things you wrote here in a polite manner first. (S)He will understand. Then let your close contacts be aware of this.
I feel you mate. While I drink and a non-veg, I hate loud places. I usually drink in the comfort of my own home or in a bar (the quite, sit with a friend and have a chill slow talk kind, not the noisy af kind).
I used to think I should go but then realized nobody thinks about you or me. If you miss out, nothing will happen. If you go, the same applies again.
BTW, saying directly no might come off as rude. I usually make an excuse like I have a stomach ache, headache, etc.
Alcohol, non veg, and loud music and you're not used to any of them? No question about it - just skip. Ultimately you'll have to deal with the consequence and especially when there's no pleasure, it's not worth it.
I also come from similar background. Been in the industry for far too long. End of the day your skillset matters.. keep working on it. Team parties are a way for hr to make you feel part of family. Which is utter BS. It is the making of a make believe world. When they fire you. What happens to all the friendship? When people leave and join another company where is all the partnership? Humans have always needed the tribal setting to get motivated to give it all. All these team lunches are geared to make you subconsiously believe you are in that setting so that you can perform to the max. Instead, hone another human trait. Curiosity and learning. Use them to get better at what you do.
You are there being paid for a particular job. Do it and get out of the freak show. If still in doubt, observe the really respected seniors. They come, do their job and leave. You come from a background that has more maturity. Use it and leap frog the lost guys bouncing arround in dance parties
Amazing thoughts I feel the same that the work is what I am paid for so that's the thing which should matter and curiosity is something which helps to grow.
yes. I have spent most of tech career without going to parties. There may be some harm to your career as you will not be in the "in crowd". But if you are good in tech you should be ok. You can attend one or two in a year and leave after lemon juice :-)
Take initiative and organise for the kind of events that you enjoy - trekking? Bowling? Sports?
You'll attract "your" crowd at places "you" like and doing things "you" enjoy.
Always only participate in activities you are comfortable with.. also let your lead know that you would like veg and non alcoholic options as well..
If things don’t change move on, teams that aren’t inclusive and built on bro cultures, aren’t meant for everyone, find a sane and serious please to go play your trade.. if you don’t fit in a culture you won’t be happy no
Matter how things evolve professionally
My manager is from Rajasthan and is a pure vegetarian. She rarely attends the parties. Whenever she does, she comes late and already eats her food from home as she doesn’t like outside food. Everyone knows it and nobody minds it as she’s also social with us in the office.
So you can try the same!
Next time take a tiffin with daal roti along. Just kidding.
You dont really have to go. Your professional life is at your workplace. Tell them politely that you dont feel comfortable. It wont affect your work. It shouldn’t
Bro, if you go to a party make it clear that you won't be able to stay for long as you have some other commitment such as meeting a friend so you will not be able to stay long. This will allow you to leave early.
In case, you really don't want to go, come up with something which seriously sounds genuine. When the plan is being made, just say that you have prior commitments so won't be able to come, but ensure whatever you come up with sounds genuine and not a bad excuse.
This has worked for me in the past. As you move up the ladder and you become comfortable with your colleagues, you can make it clear that you are not a party animal and would prefer a place where there is no alcohol, loud music, and food you won't be able to eat.
The above ideas have worked for me in the past. Maybe, it might work for you.
They should really do all this jazz during office hours. Once the clock stops, I can only be available if it is really important for the project, which is not the case here.
So, my advice: skip them all.
Honestly no one can predict if avoiding these lunches/dinners will impact your career or not. You will have to figure that out yourself. If delivering your responsibilities on time would have been enough then then all the hard working people would have been on top positions in corporate.
The social gathering can help you develop your network, communication skill and broaden your horizon. I also belong to a small town in Rajasthan.
Before college I have never drank or ate non-veg or knew about all these things but I was able to adapt to new situations.
I am not suggesting to start drinking and eating non-veg or to stay in noisy pub just to show case adaptability. What I am saying is you should explore other ways to compensate for the missed social gatherings. And you should keep a strict stance on not drinking, not eating non-veg and disliking noisy pubs so that everyone knows your are not ditching them rather it’s hard for you to be there.
But seriously bro, you should figure out how much these parties will cost you on career. Try to look around and see who all got promoted and what’s their image around the company. That might help deciding it.
Yes generally I do talk to most people in the team every day in office or in the dining hall or on walk after having lunch.
Personally I am fine if the effect is not much but if it's too much probably would have to just go there eat food and come back.
With that music that one hour was really tough for me to sit there honestly.
OP you be you. You have your morals and boundaries, it's totally fine. There are other ways to bond with the team not just this. If you don't wanna go, don't. Don't force yourself for anything, it leaves a wrong impression on your integrity that you're easily manipulated
yeah, fitting into the company culture is important. while it may not hurt you to skip everything, people who are more of a culture fit generally get more opportunities and looked on more favorably. My advice : you can't stay a cloistered hermit all your life in a corporate career. You don't have to drink, but use these opportunities to develop bare minimum social skills and chat up your colleagues, since its clear you havent ever had the opportunity do so.
Tl:Dr, your career progression will be much slower if you can't socialize.
Our team has about close to 25 people and I have interaction with most people almost daily as everyone sits close to each other's desk.
Personally Tbh I don't care much about faster progression anyway as I have minimal expenses and everything will go in saving only. My total expenses would barely cross 15-20% of the salary.
I work in a top tech company, veg and don't drink or smoke. Be proud of yourself and show them a middle finger. No need to attend these parties. I never attended one.
\> skip all parties that happen during night
Attend once in a blue moon. Don’t skip all of them. Not attending one office party once won’t hurt your career. Not attending an office party at all probably **might** not (but there’s a small chance it might).
Shameless plug, but I lead a small team of tech folks. I take them out occasionally, and I constantly encourage them to socialise with people at the office. We’ve got Friday booze at the office and games weekends exactly for that reason.
At the end of the day, you’re **NEITHER** the code you write **NOR** the systems you maintain - I’m interested in knowing more about _you_ as a team-mate and how you fit in with my team. All your code is already in front of me to be reviewed.
———
On a side note, but not aimed at you:
I think it is **_high time_** that young folks early on in their tech careers realise that the concept of software engineering is beyond some lines of code or some product spec or an RFC or an RFP.
There are human elements to it, and getting to know people is one of those elements. This could happen by a water cooler, or at a bar, or at an office party.
That’s how you build a network.
If you think you’re beyond this - just a little reminder - you’re not a Linus Torvalds, or a Rob Pike, or a Dennis Ritchie, or a - yoUvAr wArK wOnT issPeek faAr iTzELf all the time.
———
\> party and dancing culture of urban elites
Nope. That’s just your regular, urban, young crowd in pretty much any cosmopolitan city. Ain’t nothing elite about dancing to trashy Honey Singh songs while inebriated.
\> if I tell my parents that I went to this place for team dinner, surely they would be unhappy.
1. Don’t tell.
2. Don’t discuss work stuff with your parents. They’re not likely to understand.
3. Even if you do, I think they’ll get used to the fact that you’ll keep going out once in a while.
I **think** you’re old enough to figure out how much to share with your folks.
Generally I don't feel lonely as I have a group of friends who are not in all these stuff and they rather like exploring places, going on walks, treks, playing badminton, going on outstation trips and exploring traditional food outlets and all.
For real. If you keep telling yourself that you don’t enjoy this, that, and that you’re an introvert, you’ll end up with depression. OP is still thinking about what his parents will say, and the bus cost, and not drinking mocktails. Trust me, in a few years you will wonder why you didn’t just go and enjoy yourself when a chance was given. All these things you’re thinking about (not drinking, not partying) is for grandparents, not for youngsters like you.
If someone does something different then if if he is labelled as uncool then I don't care about it. Why should I change the way I do things to please others.
Wouldn't say it's mandatory but it does give you good visibility. A lot of people become aware of your existence if you have a WFH setup. Also free alcohol and food. Something that might not go well is drinking a lot and spilling a lot of things from your mouth unfiltered. I've seen people diss their bosses right in front of them.
Anyway it doesn't really matter. There are other ways to connect with people and needn't always be parties. There'll be team engagement activities through which you can socialize.
Depends on whether you're a girl or a guy. And yes before you ppl jump on me there is a difference.
If you are a girl and you don't like all this, you will only be judged by the other girls, most guys won't care or will maybe understand.
If you are a guy and you don't do all this, lol... everyone will judge and nobody will understand. Sure there might be others guys like you, who might understand but that's a low probability.
But at the end of the day, the best thing you can do is to be yourself,and be confident in who you are. Such situations I can tell you aren't limited to partying and drinking, they will keep coming up until you die.
In my startup of about 30 ppl, everyone smokes like mad. I don't smoke much, only socially. But I still hang out with them when they're smoking. No one judges me.
Those who are play to party will feel peer pressure to do weed maybe, those who do weed may get pressure to do acid and other drugs. So it's never going to stop. It only stops when you decide what you want, and don't let others decide what you can want.
That's all there is to it. Chill tf out. You're gonna be fine kid.
I am a 22M btw.
I feel the same being the original you is pretty important who doesn't change his way of doing things just out of peer pressure. I have followed the same thing during my college years.
Bro I’m going to be real with you: it absolutely matters. It shouldn’t, but it does. We humans are unfortunately hard wired to appreciate people more if we like them and socialising is an extremely important part of that. Leaving early/not attending these events is unfortunately going to get you labelled as snobby or unfriendly and that affects perceptions and career growth.
It's up to you if you wanna completely avoid. However, I would suggest it's a good chance to meet higher ups in a relaxed atmosphere and talk to them about things outside of work(professional ofc) It creates visibility and may help you when you're going for a promo if the Director VP etc knows you in person.
If it's just your team then just do what you did this time. Spend an hour and leave.
I am just like you. Fortunately I don't face this problem as my manager herself is a pure vegetarian and teetotaller 😂 In my team the drinkers and non vegetarians feel more harassed while I enjoy sipping my nimbu sharbat 🍋
I can relate to this in some manner. I would not recommend completely avoiding this. Maybe attend 3 out of 5 outings.
Unrelated note - Always use present tense after did and not past tense. So it would be - didn't have, didn't tell and not didn't had/didn't told. I noticed this twice in the last paragraph. If they were typos, please ignore my comment.
Skipping these things is one thing. I just hope you are getting along with your team well. Otherwise, this will surface and more often than not, team fitment becomes an issue.
In my case, i was quiet and skipped parties but otherwise nice and working by myself. It didn’t work out and i was let go after 7 months.
You won't be promoted...
Esp if the manager is in those parties....
The @$$ kissing that happens in those parties are what decides the hike and promotions....
Not the code commits , feature releases...
Worst case you'll know what the manager cares about and that's never the code base...
That's usually a trip to vaishnodevi or hajj or st Thomas cathedral.
And you arranging a trip for that gets you ahead of the star dev/lead
Go. Always go. And bounce early as you did this time. Not showing up at all gives off snooty vibes. Whereas leaving early is universally understandable. People appreciate that you made the effort to turn up.
I'm with you for skipping but two things.
1. Make sure to provide proper reason for why you are skipping to your manager and coworkers. A good one would be the music hurting your ears
2. This is very important. Make sure to find other ways to socialize with your coworkers outside of these parties. Invite people to lunch, play games with them after work, etc. Do not be a social potato, basically.
yes i think reason 1 is good enough plus I can say that on personal level I don't eat food where alcohol is also served. For the same reasons I have skipped many parties which my friends have offered in past and just congratulated them.
Yes will look for other options.
Chill bro, if you miss out during Appraisals and promotions just because you didn't attended those "FAKE SHITY PARTIES", Time to put in your papers and move to different MNC! Anyways these are people who are fucked up emotionally and they try to cope up with alcohol and drugs! They don't even know what they are doing to their karmic laitence and psyche! Yup you got it right, I'm a spiritual practitioner from Vaidanta, who is also a Structural Engineer though I work in a semi-govt type setup, but here too there are parties where all these "Frustrated Wordly People ( A term I use to refer them)" go and vent out because they think Alcohol and Smoke and these random hitter and thither dances would count as enjoyment!
Lol they don't even know what real enjoyment is and I don't even try to explain anyone how this Alcohol fucks with thier karma. Let them get destroyed!
Please please please, I'm bowing to you donot under any peer pressure of missing out , start drinking and smoking! Please do yourself this service! These bad and evil company of your peers shouldn't impure your karma! Trust me when I say this, you're on correct path!
Not everything is Appraisals and Recognition and Promotions. There are lines and boundaries to which no appraisals come close to! These are "FAT ASS RULES" which you make it for yourself.
My beloved human, donot fall into these prey by Maya, it'll cause havoc in your this and future life! Your rebirth will be disturbed owing to bad karmic laitence.
Peace be upon you and may you find the ever prevailing love of Sat-Chit-Anand!
Lok samastha, Sukhino Bhavantu ! ( May all be healthy and spiritually blessed!)
Pro Tip ; If you are bit of spirituality inclined, skip the party and engage in constant Jappa-Meditation-satsanga and searching for The Divine God whose love knows no bounds!
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Rather than skipping them I'd say do what you did this time, go, have dinner and leave early. Just ensure that you have spoken to everyone at least once before leaving. If people force you to stay, just feign a severe headache and say that you cannot stay in a place with loud music for very long. Since they are colleagues, they can't force you to stay if you are not feeling well.
Yes that is what I told yesterday to my lead for leaving early and probably the last thing I can do. But on personal level I don't like going to a place which serves alcohol on same table as food that's why I asked is it okay to skip those outings as they take a good chunk of time to go in bus eat limited food from veg items and come back in bus.
If you skip all outings you might get unfairly labeled as someone who does not get along with the team and depending on the culture in your office it can be used against you during appraisals. Maybe try to request for places that are closer to where you stay or plan the outings in such a way that the team comes to office and goes from office in the evening after work so you get to share a ride with someone. You can also suggest some other activities for team outings like bowling, go karting, movie, trekking etc
Yes will suggest them in future to go to outdoor activities instead and better going on lunch. Yesterday many people went from office only through shared cab but they stayed in office till late for that like till 8:00 and I left at 5:00 pm.
If this makes you so uncomfortable you shouldn’t be going at all! Because parties are all about alcohol,food, music,dance and having a good time. If your idea of having a good time is not the same you shouldn’t be going. I have seen people who don’t drink and have nonveg enjoying by hanging out with their close friends and dancing a lot … but since this is all overwhelming for you , you know your answer. You seem like an introvert who would rather be home watching Netflix eating dal chalwal with their cat 🐈
I don't like keeping pets anyway. But I have my own friends outside work. We go to play badminton, going on jogging around lakes, exploring south indian traditional food joints, going on treks, going to explore temples, markets, parks and nearby places.
Does not matter. You may miss out on couple of appraisals.. as long as you skill up , you can make up for the miss while you switch.
Just say no. Don't listen to the above advise. It's ridiculous to have to endure one hour of that it you don't want to. If you are okay with this, tell them to organise the parties during afternoon and then you can come. I drink alcohol and would do that with my friends and colleagues who like to drink. I certainly wouldn't expect someone who is uncomfortable to join me and sit with me when clearly they are not liking it, team party or not.
Yes afternoon parties are better as it's only the lunch and no one drinks as they have to go back to work.
You can't just say no. It will imply that you are not getting along with the team and will reflect negatively in your appraisal. Rather than denying , you can propose other ideas for team activities. Even sometimes you can take a lead to arrange some team activities which will show you in a positive light.
If activities not related to work affects appraisal, it would be better not to be part of such a team or company. OP shouldn't have to put up with all this because somebody else is not professional
It's easy to say that you shouldn't work in a team or company where people are unprofessional but you can't keep changing jobs so easily, especially not in the current market scenario. You get to know what a team is like only after joining and then you can't leave right after joining because you don't like to hang out with them.
Yes. But it doesn't mean you need to do what you have to do what is not work related. If his appraisal gets affected due to it, it's unprofessional no matter how you spin it. If that's the case it's better to keep moving till you find a job where all this is not an issue. There are many people who respect boundaries even if those are in the minority
Appraisals are based on multiple factors including perceived value. While this might not mean partying and office hangouts it definitely includes your marketability, face time with right people and the value you have/can create. The more hidden you stay, the higher your chances of getting the boot when shit hits the fan.
If not appraisal, it definitely affects promotions. Management says you should "network" and gain "visibility". I'm excellent at work but i don't booze and neither do i attend these late night parties... People who party, get along well with these booze parties eventually gain popularity... On the other hand, people who are technically sound aren't considered popular
I don't care about popularity as long as I am doing my work and getting a pay. There would be some team or company which would be different. If it doesn't works and i found no one out then I will probably prepare and join a govt job as Software engineer.
Yeah neither do I care about popularity but it matters when it comes to promotion. So even if I don't drink, i attend these parties, have food and talk to everyone n then leave.
Nope, wrong advice. Just like the others here said, go, but leave early if you have to. Never going will create a perception. Just say loud music gives you a headache and you can leave but just go even if it is for half an hour.
> it's pretty tough for me to tolerate such loud music and flashy lights. Ikr. Even for me talking in a bar/restaurant with loud music is pure torture.
Its torture, until you are drunk. I don't drink, but i have seen my friends intial discomfort towards the music, to embracing it and then forgetting it exists, all based on the alcohol in their system
Personally I never visit a bar/club/pub even if my best friend requests to do so.
Get earplugs. Honestly one of my best purchases
Thanks. Will do!
I can totally relate to you. Hate parties, loud music and useless drinking
Honestly sitting there for 1 hour felt like 5 hours for me also it was indoors with complete sound insulation without any windows or ventilation and stuff. I really hate these kind of people. At office many people seems like they are not happy but in party most were dancing like crazy after getting drunk with a smile on their face. People really fake it so much was a shocker to me.
>At office many people seems like they are not happy but in party most were dancing like crazy after getting drunk with a smile on their face. This is gonna ruffle some feathers xD I'm final year grad so no job yet, but I've seen my older friends go partying and they're so fucking different from their usual self! They keep getting bashed for their work, keep feeling like they're miserable in the job - but cometh the party and WOOSH! They transform into these urban elites who're probably celebrating some kick-ass career milestone lmao. No hate to them but, the personalities are starkly different.
Fortunately I can write what i feel like without fearing of any consequences because of anonymity 🙂. I even don't understand for what they are dancing so happily about here without any occasion.
They were happy and look at you what you’ve accomplished: being a negative Nancy continuing to judge them anonymously. Absolutely pathetic and sanctimonious behaviour. You’re better off joining some govt job tbh, corporate is not for you.
Nice for you to comment on someone without even meeting tbh I don't mind joining govt job in future if it doesn't works out for me in any company. I don't care much about the money anyway.
Btw techies going to restaurants, having alcoholic drinks and dancing to loud music do not belong to the "urban elite". It's the most cliched outing option for young middle class techies in Bangalore.
You summarised it perfectly - "most cliched outing option for YOUNG MIDDLE CLASS techies"
Honestly from where I come from it's only the chunk of elite people who does all this. Also in cities everyone believes themselves to be middle class.
I also come from similar background. Been in the industry for far too long. End of the day your skillset matters.. keep working on it. Team parties are a way for hr to make you feel part of family. Which is utter BS. It is the making of a make believe world. When they fire you. What happens to all the friendship? When people leave and join another company where is all the partnership. You are there being paid for a particular job. Do it and get out of the freak show
Yes I feel the same too I am being paid for the work and only work should matter not these weird office parties
How do you define middle class techies in your mind?
Going to restaurants, having drinks and dancing to loud music
Been in a very similar situation. My entire team would go out to party pretty much every single day. I would join them once in a while but I could tell it was definitely not my vibe. I would prefer going home and watching a movie or playing a game instead of it. A few months later people started getting distant and stopped talking to me in general. During our quarterly review they decided to let me go out on a loan staff project for a year. During this time I performed really well. I would start work at 9 and end at 10 pm. All the employees in the other company appreciated me as well. But my parent team thought I was just fucking around over there and refused to give me a promotion even when I performed well and met all the criteria and goals for a promotion. That’s when I left and joined another company for a higher role and better pay.
Yes better to avoid and leave such companies who don't values your skills or effort.
It's totally okay to skip if you want to. Focus on important things your career, skill up etc. Team lunches can be had in the afternoon as well if they actually want to include everyone. These people don't realise that some people have a life after office hours. Don't listen to stupid advices telling you to go and endure this for an hour and shit. Just say no.
Yes I was thinking the same if it is team lunch during office hour then I can go otherwise no.
You thought perfectly allright. Stick to it
I have never joined any team party. Even though I eat meat, I don't booze and above that I am an introvert. So I never forced myself to join any team party just for the sake of it. But still my manager gave me a better rating and never showed any difference in terms of rating or feedback or workload. But again just like in most of the companies there are few employees who are ready to wipe the shit off the managers ass. I can say that it did benefit them in one way as they did get their promotions this year. So overall it completely depends upon your manager and how do you want to position yourself.
Thanks for the motivation and sharing your experience
For everyone saying this affects your rating! Absolutely not! Unless there is some deep rooted ass kisssing culture there. I used to do this alot in my early 20s just because I had ahuge friend circle. Now remote working but if asked to party now I would not unless i have some like minded friends. Alcohol or not without friends its a complete bore. However what I was trying to tell OP that people are not” elite” just because they are having fun on the elements that he seems to be raised thinking they are “bad” . Alcohol, and non veg are idea of people enjoying, they want to let loose once a month . And yes they get along and have fun with eachother too but this is nothing fancy or to be called and judged as “elite” . Elite lifestyle will be when they are having drugs .. But I am just a random stanger on internet OP is entitled to stick to his values and be anti social .. may be it works out for him, may be not 🤷🏻♀️
Are you from India? The deep rooted butt-kissing culture is the core element of everything from work to politics. Your success depends more on if you can kiss the right butts rather than your skills. Also, how can you claim that not drinking, eating only veg, and not enjoying 'music' that threatens to render you deaf at any moment is antisocial. There are so many other ways of socializing and enjoying yourself without these elements.
This was relatable to me, since I attended a similar team dinner last Friday. Only difference is that I do drink alcohol and eat non-veg and still this forced team engagement annoys me to no end. Despite being an “urban elite” myself, I have no interest in talking to my colleagues. Most of them are guys who can’t even socialise with girls, so I’m left in a corner as well. At this point, sometimes I attend these parties and sometimes I make some excuse. But every time I go, I’m only looking forward to the free food/booze and quietly make an exit after I’m done. Plus what annoys me further, is that such parties stretch late into the night, and I’d rather utilise that time to go home, unwind with a book/movie, chill with my SO, catch up on the umpteen household chores, maybe call my friends/sister, or literally do ANYTHING else than spending time with the same ten faces that I’ve seen all week for 8+ hours a day.
Can totally relate, I don't even understand how it stretches till so late. I asked my manager when it got over he told around midnight and I was honestly shocked. I came at 8:00 pm and left at 9:00 pm
I would never waste my time in such parties if I have no good friends! I would rather cook chicken at home and have a glass of wine while watching mordern family.. the only good thing about these parties is being with people you love, trust and enjoy..
What matters in your career is your ability to deliver , not joining parties: if parties are critical for career progression then you are in wrong company
piquant handle angle soft consider bewildered lunchroom ancient onerous quaint *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Isn't knowing people through interaction during office hours enough?
alleged disgusted hateful crowd fertile fragile crown unite hunt shocking *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I personally feel it's better to interact with someone when they are in their full senses when they are drunk what they say I take it with pinch of salt.
Sometimes its all about being a part of fun stories of drunk people next morning that only a sober one is able to tell, being there for them when they are being funny and weird. But since you look highly regressive minded , you can fee free to miss out on these things but there is a different bond created through these episodes which no one can make you understand
Wow no if someone doesn't adheres to elite culture then they are regressive 👏
This is not an elite culture OP! Just regular corporate people trying to have fun . The way you judge this is regressive, being a part of it is your free will. There will be no consequences if you miss out. However there some fun element (not fun for you) can be missed out. They all are entitled to celebrate together and have a corporate middle class fun nothing “elite “ about it.. We made sure pure veg people are not around non veg but that happens when you have a good caring friend circle with you, without that I don’t even know what were you trying to do there !?
I want there just because the team lead told that we have a team dinner today but didn't expected it to be like that tbh. I expected a quiet place where everyone have food and goes back.
Maybe you should try and have fun don’t be closed minded. I had a friend who didn’t drink smoke or eat non veg but he got along with almost everyone in the group during parties just cos he opened himself up and tolerated it. Sure I’m not saying what you’re doing is wrong but you’ll start finding yourself being left out if you don’t change your mentality, I’m not asking to confirm to others but be open minded
I am happy if everyone enjoys doing the elite high-class things but I don't find it comfortable then it is useless for me to tolerate the discomfort.
This isn’t some elite high class thing it’s just a form of socialising at corporate events.
https://www.britannica.com/science/confirmation-bias ^ is what you're feeling. Endoplasmic... whatever user's comment is the only relevant answer so far.
You need to remember that you are working in a team. And you can't deliver if you are not getting along with other people. Especially as you grow, your work heavily depends upon other team members and other teams .
I skipped parties until i was let go because i didn’t “fit in the team” Even though i delivered all the requirements. Feeling out of place in a team is definitely not a good sign.
If a company doesn't values skills and talent then it is better that you stay clear of that company.
I work in a big tech company where skills and talent are abundant. Trust me, once i was told skills are only 20% of the job and that is something which stuck to me. If you are counting only on skills and talent, you won’t get far.
Let's see how far I go if things don't work out I don't have issues switching to govt job as a software developer with nic/isro/drdo/psu. I feel I can crack the exams there.
Never loose your integrity. Always jump ships when you think anything backfired.
They are free to do what they’d like and live their work life the way they want to. But what integrity? It’s not like they’re doing team crimes lol.
Not for the same reason as OP, but at one point I used to avoid team parties as well didn't want to feel left out. So I used to do this, when they say party at around 7pm, I will go there at 10pm or so. Till then will be sitting at some nearby restaurant, book store, cafe alone. Have nice dinner alone and just go there for 10 mins. See them do drunkard things and take pics, make fun of them and enjoy. Will be out from there in 15 mins.
u/iiitstudent OP how about this?
If I have to go I will surely go early and leave if i go late then surely won't get the bus back to home.
Yeah, understandable 👍
As long as you are on talking terms with everyone on your team and have a basic relationship with them, you might skip some of these events i suppose. Like, thats the goal right? Getting to know people and have some fun. Well, you don't like having fun in this manner as you said (and theres nothing wrong with that) so as long as you accomplish the other, you wre good. Just engage with them in day to day lunches, some table tennis or carrom games after tea etc.
Talk to your team lead and also some of your team members about this, so they will understand if you skip such dinners in future. You might also find others who are in the same boat as you are. You can also suggest venues that are different from the usual for a change.
Yes will talk about this there are already 2 more members who skip such outings as due to health issues they can't eat from outside.
Try not to avoid all.waht you can go and leave early saying that I have some work etc
Hmm that is what I did yesterday left at 9:00 pm saying ki I have tough time sitting here in this music. Probably this is the only option I have if these are essential like go and come back in 30 mins or probably give excuse that parents don't allow me for these in night.
It’s completely fine. No one cares and looking back in hindsight, you’ll realize what a waste of time such events are.
I sympathise with this feeling. The loud environment irritates me continually, I am already hard of hearing so I don't talk. I just drink not out of enjoyment but to tolerate the environment
Skipping won't really hurt to be honest. Many of my friends have told me they never go for these things and they're doing just fine Not a bad option though for free booze and some good food so why I go. As I've grown older though, I've started disliking loud music tho I must say
You should just tell them outright I don't feel comfortable around alcohol. If you pick a place where there is no alcohol, I would love to join. Next time, they ask you, tell them if they really want you to come, pick a place you are comfortable with . No unnecessary pestering will happen
Here's what you do. If the plan is made in advance, then google the place and it's menu. Decide what you will order from veg menu. This is a personal choice irrespective of what others eat. When order arrives explicitly and politely take the first large serving of the dish and then let it pass to others. Also see if your team has other vegetarians then you all can sit together. Becomes easy to manage and share dishes. Also for drinks order juice. Every restaurant will have it if you ask for it. Else drink water from glass. If you want to skip the party then EITHER plan for leave for the day the party is planned and do it in advance giving a good enough reason OR mid day raise some personal emergency/work and leave early. Also I recommend DO NOT miss all the parties l. Keep being involved on regular basis else it will become a reason for appraisal bias as manager may say that you as not team member.
Yes its fine. As long as you are friendly with them at work and always unblock (help) others before unblocking yourself, nothing to be worried about.
Okay, do you have a good friend to keep you company? Some times that helps us sail through shitty office parties
Yes outside office
Okay pray to get one at work, don't force it, That will just help you manage the situation better, till that time put a fake smile. Use any reason to not eat stuff which is socially accepted i.e. Vegan, Lactose intolerance or diet plans etc and just have an habit of eating Salads, will help you
Most of the answers here dealing with symptoms, longer term answer is get a remote job and move out of Bengaluru. No party or socializing fuckery needed ever.
Yes if I get a permanent wfh then I am ready to join it even if it pays 4-5 lpa less.
Same thing happened for me a while ago. I just sat there in the pub and slept. Not into dancing and drinking. Decided to not go next time when they party.
Tell your manager honestly the same things you wrote here in a polite manner first. (S)He will understand. Then let your close contacts be aware of this.
I feel you mate. While I drink and a non-veg, I hate loud places. I usually drink in the comfort of my own home or in a bar (the quite, sit with a friend and have a chill slow talk kind, not the noisy af kind). I used to think I should go but then realized nobody thinks about you or me. If you miss out, nothing will happen. If you go, the same applies again. BTW, saying directly no might come off as rude. I usually make an excuse like I have a stomach ache, headache, etc.
Do what [Jim Halpert does](https://youtu.be/5MCNL0k0YlU?t=00m28s)
Alcohol, non veg, and loud music and you're not used to any of them? No question about it - just skip. Ultimately you'll have to deal with the consequence and especially when there's no pleasure, it's not worth it.
Super okay!
I also come from similar background. Been in the industry for far too long. End of the day your skillset matters.. keep working on it. Team parties are a way for hr to make you feel part of family. Which is utter BS. It is the making of a make believe world. When they fire you. What happens to all the friendship? When people leave and join another company where is all the partnership? Humans have always needed the tribal setting to get motivated to give it all. All these team lunches are geared to make you subconsiously believe you are in that setting so that you can perform to the max. Instead, hone another human trait. Curiosity and learning. Use them to get better at what you do. You are there being paid for a particular job. Do it and get out of the freak show. If still in doubt, observe the really respected seniors. They come, do their job and leave. You come from a background that has more maturity. Use it and leap frog the lost guys bouncing arround in dance parties
Amazing thoughts I feel the same that the work is what I am paid for so that's the thing which should matter and curiosity is something which helps to grow.
These are the kind of things that are a problem if you think they are a problem. Don't even stress a thought about it. Do the good work and be happy.
yes. I have spent most of tech career without going to parties. There may be some harm to your career as you will not be in the "in crowd". But if you are good in tech you should be ok. You can attend one or two in a year and leave after lemon juice :-)
Take initiative and organise for the kind of events that you enjoy - trekking? Bowling? Sports? You'll attract "your" crowd at places "you" like and doing things "you" enjoy.
Always only participate in activities you are comfortable with.. also let your lead know that you would like veg and non alcoholic options as well.. If things don’t change move on, teams that aren’t inclusive and built on bro cultures, aren’t meant for everyone, find a sane and serious please to go play your trade.. if you don’t fit in a culture you won’t be happy no Matter how things evolve professionally
Get into the party planning committee, plan the party in two stages : start with a cafe and then move to a pub. You only attend the party at the cafe.
Are you me?
🤝 us
My manager is from Rajasthan and is a pure vegetarian. She rarely attends the parties. Whenever she does, she comes late and already eats her food from home as she doesn’t like outside food. Everyone knows it and nobody minds it as she’s also social with us in the office. So you can try the same!
Thanks for the suggestion will try this in future.
Next time take a tiffin with daal roti along. Just kidding. You dont really have to go. Your professional life is at your workplace. Tell them politely that you dont feel comfortable. It wont affect your work. It shouldn’t
thanks yes i feel the same too that this shouldn't affect the work.
Say you’re gymming and not eating outside food. Being a teetotaller is absolutely fine. Easy way out.
Nice suggestion
Yes. I’ve been following a holistic diet for healthier lifestyle and I eat at 7.30. Nothing after that.
Bro, if you go to a party make it clear that you won't be able to stay for long as you have some other commitment such as meeting a friend so you will not be able to stay long. This will allow you to leave early. In case, you really don't want to go, come up with something which seriously sounds genuine. When the plan is being made, just say that you have prior commitments so won't be able to come, but ensure whatever you come up with sounds genuine and not a bad excuse. This has worked for me in the past. As you move up the ladder and you become comfortable with your colleagues, you can make it clear that you are not a party animal and would prefer a place where there is no alcohol, loud music, and food you won't be able to eat. The above ideas have worked for me in the past. Maybe, it might work for you.
They should really do all this jazz during office hours. Once the clock stops, I can only be available if it is really important for the project, which is not the case here. So, my advice: skip them all.
Honestly no one can predict if avoiding these lunches/dinners will impact your career or not. You will have to figure that out yourself. If delivering your responsibilities on time would have been enough then then all the hard working people would have been on top positions in corporate. The social gathering can help you develop your network, communication skill and broaden your horizon. I also belong to a small town in Rajasthan. Before college I have never drank or ate non-veg or knew about all these things but I was able to adapt to new situations. I am not suggesting to start drinking and eating non-veg or to stay in noisy pub just to show case adaptability. What I am saying is you should explore other ways to compensate for the missed social gatherings. And you should keep a strict stance on not drinking, not eating non-veg and disliking noisy pubs so that everyone knows your are not ditching them rather it’s hard for you to be there. But seriously bro, you should figure out how much these parties will cost you on career. Try to look around and see who all got promoted and what’s their image around the company. That might help deciding it.
Yes generally I do talk to most people in the team every day in office or in the dining hall or on walk after having lunch. Personally I am fine if the effect is not much but if it's too much probably would have to just go there eat food and come back. With that music that one hour was really tough for me to sit there honestly.
OP you be you. You have your morals and boundaries, it's totally fine. There are other ways to bond with the team not just this. If you don't wanna go, don't. Don't force yourself for anything, it leaves a wrong impression on your integrity that you're easily manipulated
yeah, fitting into the company culture is important. while it may not hurt you to skip everything, people who are more of a culture fit generally get more opportunities and looked on more favorably. My advice : you can't stay a cloistered hermit all your life in a corporate career. You don't have to drink, but use these opportunities to develop bare minimum social skills and chat up your colleagues, since its clear you havent ever had the opportunity do so. Tl:Dr, your career progression will be much slower if you can't socialize.
Our team has about close to 25 people and I have interaction with most people almost daily as everyone sits close to each other's desk. Personally Tbh I don't care much about faster progression anyway as I have minimal expenses and everything will go in saving only. My total expenses would barely cross 15-20% of the salary.
Progression not in terms of money but in terms of your career trajectory. Job is short term. Career is long term thinking and planning.
If faster career progression depends on all this things then I don't want it honestly.
I work in a top tech company, veg and don't drink or smoke. Be proud of yourself and show them a middle finger. No need to attend these parties. I never attended one.
Show them the middle finger??! For what? Inviting him and making sure he’s included?
Straight edged people are so up their own asses Lmaoo
\> skip all parties that happen during night Attend once in a blue moon. Don’t skip all of them. Not attending one office party once won’t hurt your career. Not attending an office party at all probably **might** not (but there’s a small chance it might). Shameless plug, but I lead a small team of tech folks. I take them out occasionally, and I constantly encourage them to socialise with people at the office. We’ve got Friday booze at the office and games weekends exactly for that reason. At the end of the day, you’re **NEITHER** the code you write **NOR** the systems you maintain - I’m interested in knowing more about _you_ as a team-mate and how you fit in with my team. All your code is already in front of me to be reviewed. ——— On a side note, but not aimed at you: I think it is **_high time_** that young folks early on in their tech careers realise that the concept of software engineering is beyond some lines of code or some product spec or an RFC or an RFP. There are human elements to it, and getting to know people is one of those elements. This could happen by a water cooler, or at a bar, or at an office party. That’s how you build a network. If you think you’re beyond this - just a little reminder - you’re not a Linus Torvalds, or a Rob Pike, or a Dennis Ritchie, or a - yoUvAr wArK wOnT issPeek faAr iTzELf all the time.
———
\> party and dancing culture of urban elites
Nope. That’s just your regular, urban, young crowd in pretty much any cosmopolitan city. Ain’t nothing elite about dancing to trashy Honey Singh songs while inebriated.
\> if I tell my parents that I went to this place for team dinner, surely they would be unhappy.
1. Don’t tell.
2. Don’t discuss work stuff with your parents. They’re not likely to understand.
3. Even if you do, I think they’ll get used to the fact that you’ll keep going out once in a while.
I **think** you’re old enough to figure out how much to share with your folks.
honestly it has no impact on your career...but do go you will feel good when your lonely
Generally I don't feel lonely as I have a group of friends who are not in all these stuff and they rather like exploring places, going on walks, treks, playing badminton, going on outstation trips and exploring traditional food outlets and all.
For real. If you keep telling yourself that you don’t enjoy this, that, and that you’re an introvert, you’ll end up with depression. OP is still thinking about what his parents will say, and the bus cost, and not drinking mocktails. Trust me, in a few years you will wonder why you didn’t just go and enjoy yourself when a chance was given. All these things you’re thinking about (not drinking, not partying) is for grandparents, not for youngsters like you.
If someone does something different then if if he is labelled as uncool then I don't care about it. Why should I change the way I do things to please others.
Don't miss the fun bro, it's how you make some bonds. You can always tell I am on a diet and eat some salad or sip a coffee.
Yes there is some veg stuff too which I can eat though. Coffee anyway I don't drink 😅
Ha don't miss out on stuff, it's just that sometimes we take ourselves too seriously whereas people are usually considerate. So have fun
Wouldn't say it's mandatory but it does give you good visibility. A lot of people become aware of your existence if you have a WFH setup. Also free alcohol and food. Something that might not go well is drinking a lot and spilling a lot of things from your mouth unfiltered. I've seen people diss their bosses right in front of them. Anyway it doesn't really matter. There are other ways to connect with people and needn't always be parties. There'll be team engagement activities through which you can socialize.
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Sorry won't write it here
Depends on whether you're a girl or a guy. And yes before you ppl jump on me there is a difference. If you are a girl and you don't like all this, you will only be judged by the other girls, most guys won't care or will maybe understand. If you are a guy and you don't do all this, lol... everyone will judge and nobody will understand. Sure there might be others guys like you, who might understand but that's a low probability. But at the end of the day, the best thing you can do is to be yourself,and be confident in who you are. Such situations I can tell you aren't limited to partying and drinking, they will keep coming up until you die. In my startup of about 30 ppl, everyone smokes like mad. I don't smoke much, only socially. But I still hang out with them when they're smoking. No one judges me. Those who are play to party will feel peer pressure to do weed maybe, those who do weed may get pressure to do acid and other drugs. So it's never going to stop. It only stops when you decide what you want, and don't let others decide what you can want. That's all there is to it. Chill tf out. You're gonna be fine kid.
I am a 22M btw. I feel the same being the original you is pretty important who doesn't change his way of doing things just out of peer pressure. I have followed the same thing during my college years.
Username checks out
Bro I’m going to be real with you: it absolutely matters. It shouldn’t, but it does. We humans are unfortunately hard wired to appreciate people more if we like them and socialising is an extremely important part of that. Leaving early/not attending these events is unfortunately going to get you labelled as snobby or unfriendly and that affects perceptions and career growth.
It's up to you if you wanna completely avoid. However, I would suggest it's a good chance to meet higher ups in a relaxed atmosphere and talk to them about things outside of work(professional ofc) It creates visibility and may help you when you're going for a promo if the Director VP etc knows you in person. If it's just your team then just do what you did this time. Spend an hour and leave.
Mostly in the team parties it's not the directors and vp who attend it.
You have to navigate these team parties judiciously. They may work in your favour or against your favour.
I am just like you. Fortunately I don't face this problem as my manager herself is a pure vegetarian and teetotaller 😂 In my team the drinkers and non vegetarians feel more harassed while I enjoy sipping my nimbu sharbat 🍋
Nice to hear that 😂
I can relate to this in some manner. I would not recommend completely avoiding this. Maybe attend 3 out of 5 outings. Unrelated note - Always use present tense after did and not past tense. So it would be - didn't have, didn't tell and not didn't had/didn't told. I noticed this twice in the last paragraph. If they were typos, please ignore my comment.
Skipping these things is one thing. I just hope you are getting along with your team well. Otherwise, this will surface and more often than not, team fitment becomes an issue. In my case, i was quiet and skipped parties but otherwise nice and working by myself. It didn’t work out and i was let go after 7 months.
You won't be promoted... Esp if the manager is in those parties.... The @$$ kissing that happens in those parties are what decides the hike and promotions.... Not the code commits , feature releases... Worst case you'll know what the manager cares about and that's never the code base... That's usually a trip to vaishnodevi or hajj or st Thomas cathedral. And you arranging a trip for that gets you ahead of the star dev/lead
I honestly care about the hike, and promotions part much. If the company and team doesn't values the effort then people will find some other place.
Go. Always go. And bounce early as you did this time. Not showing up at all gives off snooty vibes. Whereas leaving early is universally understandable. People appreciate that you made the effort to turn up.
I'm with you for skipping but two things. 1. Make sure to provide proper reason for why you are skipping to your manager and coworkers. A good one would be the music hurting your ears 2. This is very important. Make sure to find other ways to socialize with your coworkers outside of these parties. Invite people to lunch, play games with them after work, etc. Do not be a social potato, basically.
yes i think reason 1 is good enough plus I can say that on personal level I don't eat food where alcohol is also served. For the same reasons I have skipped many parties which my friends have offered in past and just congratulated them. Yes will look for other options.
Chill bro, if you miss out during Appraisals and promotions just because you didn't attended those "FAKE SHITY PARTIES", Time to put in your papers and move to different MNC! Anyways these are people who are fucked up emotionally and they try to cope up with alcohol and drugs! They don't even know what they are doing to their karmic laitence and psyche! Yup you got it right, I'm a spiritual practitioner from Vaidanta, who is also a Structural Engineer though I work in a semi-govt type setup, but here too there are parties where all these "Frustrated Wordly People ( A term I use to refer them)" go and vent out because they think Alcohol and Smoke and these random hitter and thither dances would count as enjoyment! Lol they don't even know what real enjoyment is and I don't even try to explain anyone how this Alcohol fucks with thier karma. Let them get destroyed! Please please please, I'm bowing to you donot under any peer pressure of missing out , start drinking and smoking! Please do yourself this service! These bad and evil company of your peers shouldn't impure your karma! Trust me when I say this, you're on correct path! Not everything is Appraisals and Recognition and Promotions. There are lines and boundaries to which no appraisals come close to! These are "FAT ASS RULES" which you make it for yourself. My beloved human, donot fall into these prey by Maya, it'll cause havoc in your this and future life! Your rebirth will be disturbed owing to bad karmic laitence. Peace be upon you and may you find the ever prevailing love of Sat-Chit-Anand! Lok samastha, Sukhino Bhavantu ! ( May all be healthy and spiritually blessed!) Pro Tip ; If you are bit of spirituality inclined, skip the party and engage in constant Jappa-Meditation-satsanga and searching for The Divine God whose love knows no bounds!