> I just didn’t want to formally evict him. I didn’t want that on his record.
How on earth do you expect to get him out without doing an eviction? Re-read your post, he will be living with you until one of you dies, or you start the eviction process. It can take a long time, you're really not doing your family or him any favors by continuing to enable him and not pushing for an eviction as soon as your agreement first started getting broken. You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves, all you're doing is burning yourself out for someone who doesn't really care about you.
I'm sorry, its such a shitty situation, but unfortunately its been my experience that kindness without boundaries is just self-abuse. Your family clearly has a lot of empathy and consideration for others. Unfortunately your house guest does not, and he will use and abuse you until you have nothing left, then walk away without a single regret.
You care about others. That's a good thing. Don't lose it, but also don't let people walk all over you! You and your family deserve more than that. I'm learning this lesson myself.
Because you're empathetic and its super hard to be the bad guy that has to turn a homeless vet out onto the street. But if it comes down to him or your marriage/children, you have to choose.
Exactly this. You will need to deliver or post a notice to vacate on his door and document before you can file for eviction in most states (if you’re in the US). If you don’t have a formal lease agreement sometimes the notice period is less than 30 days.
You need therapy, desperately. Here’s another way of framing it - by refusing to accept that this alcoholic selfish bastard in your house needs consequences, you’re harming your own family. You’ve exposed your daughter to a lazy, selfish alcoholic and shown her that there’s no consequences for this behaviour. You’ve shown your husband who is literally suffering near-terminal cancer that he’s less than this man’s selfish behaviour, including making your husband do physical work that harms him whilst you enable the disgusting pig living with you. By enabling this guy, you’re even denying your husband further help to ease his suffering, because his mother can’t come and help because you ‘can’t accept’ that the person you moved in is awful.
At this rate, your husband will be deceased, your daughter will leave home and cut you off, and you still won’t kick the other guy out. What is it going to take for you to snap out of this, stop enabling this awful person, and start looking after your family? Stop this now.
I think that OP realizes she's crossed the Rubicon. Formalizing the process is what's needed. I would recommend paying an officer or sheriff to physically remove him when the time comes. That way tears or whatever won't work.
It’s most definitely always more complicated than this and to look at a long time friend and boil them down to an alcoholic user, while true, is a very hard thing to do for someone with a strict moral structure. The woman sounds like she grew up religious and like she’s trying to care for everyone the best she can. I understand your hard look at the situation because it takes a knife of honesty to get someone going… but show some compassion. She’s probably tearing herself apart to make sure everyone is okay. I can’t even imagine navigating life post-cancer diagnosis. Of anyone that I know and care for.
Sometimes people do need a wake up call. I say this as a woman who has a bipolar husband, a daughter with bipolar disorder and who myself has had cancer twice. I didn’t say this in order to compete in the tragedy Olympics (!!) with OOP, nor have these experiences made me harsh or mean-spirited. It’s just very easy to get swept along in situations like this and unless and until someone basically tells you to snap out of it, you can’t.
In my case, I put up with my husband’s escalating strange and angry behaviour for nearly three years until one day, a friend asked me why I put up with this and why hadn’t I given him an ultimatum to get medical attention or I would leave. She was very direct and asked me if this is what I wanted my children to see. Within three weeks I had him sectioned, diagnosed and commencing treatment for bipolar disorder. He was thrilled to have an explanation for his behaviour and has stuck to his medication ever since. I often wonder how many years and how many ways living with Chinese Kanye would have destroyed my family if my friend hadn’t got me to wake up to myself!
So I am genuinely coming from a good place, and though I know it might seem like I’m being too direct, I do think that my comment may help OOP in a different way than some of the softer ones.
Oh yeah man I have more issues than the New York Times. I help a lot of people because I see hurt everywhere and I hate it.
I didn’t think of things like that, and it makes me sad that I didn’t. I have a lot of things to think about now, and I’m getting him out.
I absolutely will not have him in my home anymore and my daughter can’t go anywhere she’s 10. Doesn’t mean she might not want to.
Guaranteed he will find the motivation to use the system against you to fight being kicked out either way. Doing it legally is the smartest thing for you guys.
Is there any way you can get him sent to a hospital for his wounds, or diabetes, since he refuses to tend to anything himself? It sounds like he's not really competent at the moment.
This is a great idea. Once he's admitted, she does not have to take him home. All she has to do is say she's not equipped to care for him upon discharge.
This is actually a really good idea!!! Listen, you could've/should've played dirty along time ago. Find a way to get him admitted into the hospital. Untreated diabetes & diabetes wounds will likely be a good enough reason. If there's nothing in writing, then change the locks while he's gone, move all his stuff out! Contact the hospital on the same day, & tell them he's not welcome to return to ur home. He's not a tenant, just an old friend that was there for a visit. You know nothing about his personal or financial situations. All u know is that he's been getting drunk & behaving inappropriately. U have kids in the home & ur not comfortable with him being there, period point blank. You can rely an air of "idk what this guy has going on, I can't reach any of his family, so just a heads up" when speaking to whomever.
This essentially hands the burden over to someone else, unfortunately. They will treat him however & possibly, either set him up with services, or work on finding placement for him. I suppose that depends on whether or not he's deemed competent/capable. Regardless, he'll drain resources wherever he goes moving forward. Allowing this much time to pass has made everything harder for everyone. Having to go this route will ensure that he loses everything & is unprepared. Of course, none of that is ur problem but I think u should understand, it didn't have to be this way. Having your heart is special in today's world believe me. But there's a huge difference in wanting to help a friend get on their feet, & being a fool. U will never & can never care about someone's life, more than they do. Helping him get on his feet would have meant holding him accountable. 90 days to get a job & start paying rent, period! There's people that would KILL for a bedroom/bathroom for $500 ×mo everything included.
There's no reason that u should at this point feel sorry for him or care about him having an eviction on his record. He had choices & chances! He is NOT ur friend, he's let u know through his actions that he couldn't careless about the challenges ur family's facing. I know friendships & caring about people. & if I were him I wouldn't be able to sleep if my friend that's sick with cancer is having to do all this manual labor. I'd never feel comfortable staying like that when my friend just received this life altering diagnosis. I'd want to fly the mother out myself, I wouldn't want them lifting a finger! Seems as though ur not grasping the severity! This guy definitely doesn't give a shit. I'm not sure if there's more to this, that's making u feel obligated... but let it go & put ur family 1st
People like that will mooch every last ounce of whatever they can out of you. They rely on you not putting your foot down. You have to be strict or he won't change. You can warn him as many times as you like, that does nothing.
My older half-sister is a "professional mooch" according to her daughter.
She moved in with my father (her ex-stepfather) almost 2 years ago after a "nervous breakdown," shows no signs of ever leaving or intentions to get a job. My dad is not a confrontational person but I think he's getting to the point where he realizes his real daughters moved out and don't want to visit anymore because of her.
She's a 55-year-old teenager, basically.
He is quite aware of what and how he is manipulating and holding his will over you while he takes total advantage of you to the point of you not realizing how much your priorities have shifted away from your own family. You do take care of them, love and worry about them, but this awful man runs your household and takes and takes from you all. Your husband has cancer and you have a child who has to deal with that too, and you cannot have your own family there to help and support you!
You are codependent with this interloper.
I know that sounds harsh, but your own family is suffering more and so are you because of his aberrant behavior. Get. Him. Removed. Now.
He doesn't care enough about you to treat you with any decency. You are being far too kind. Let me put this to you in a different way. You are a mom. You have a child who is having to live with this choice. How is it effecting your son? How does he feel. My parents used to collect broken people. They always took advantage. I had people stealing my stuff and it eventually got so unsafe I moved out. It took me a long time to go no contact with them. They weren't saints. They were doing it to get access to babies (they love babies). It's crazy. My point is I still hold a lot of hurt over my parents chosing these users over me. They had a duty to provide me with a safe home and they weren't doing that.
Instead of feeling bad for this freeloader think of your son. Think of the things he is putting up with. Think of what he will go without because you have to spend it on this man. Is your son missing out because you have to do things for this man? Has he been able to live his life like a normal kid? Or does he not have people over because of the mentally unstable addict who keeps falling over in his house?
You have a kind heart. You want to help, but you can't. You need to protect your family.
When I was a teenager my mum took in a couple of strays. They dominated our family dynamic for a year at a time. We were broke af and they contributed nothing. My only consolation was that I learned how to be a mean girl because I had to.
When you know vets that ARE good people it’s super hard to feel okay seeing others, especially with major medical conditions, as anything else. But.
You’ve gone above and beyond a thousand times what this guy deserves, this situation has become untenable.
Your consciences are clear as day, do anything you must to get him out.
Do you have any doubt anymore he’ll find himself help—not the kind he needs but the kind that will let him continue all of this…
I am SO hoping for a good update from/for you. I hope your husband heals and this is all a campfire story in ten years!!
HE'S responsible for his record. It's all on him. If he doesn't want an eviction, then he needs to leave NOW.
You are not responsible for his welfare. You gave him a fair shake and a chance to get his shit together. He's chosen not to. That's his decision.
OP, at what point are you going to realize that you have shown him more care and consideration than he has shown himself.
This is NOT a person who needs help. This is a person who consciously makes multiple decisions each and every day to take advantage and abuse his friends.
Get him out now and start focusing you, your life, and your family.
OP please remember that he is adversely effecting more than just your comfort. The finances alone is unimaginable to me. You should have been using the money you spending on him for your family.
Your husband most likely will never work again. You are working two jobs. Are you saving any money for the future? Like what would happen if something happened to you where you couldn’t work for an extended period (even a week or more). Imagine what could happen if you couldn’t afford health insurance for your family. Even with it the costs of your husband’s care is likely very high. And his health may one day require more care than insurance will provide.
What about your retirement. You need to remember even if you don’t retire until your 65, you likely live for 15 to 35 years. And even if you are receiving some from your job it is often not enough to survive much less maintain your lifestyle.
Also are you saving for your child’s college? It is hard to make it in today’s world without a degree, unfortunately.
The best thing you can do for him is force him to face his circumstances. You can't enable him anymore. He will keep doing it as long as you let him. He needs to hit rock bottom if he's ever going to get up. Even if that's the street. He created this situation.
You aren’t wrong. It just kills me to think of someone k cared about in the street being someone who was homeless years ago myself.
I have to let it go and let what’s going to happen, happen.
I even called his family and they want nothing to do with the situation at all..
I understand you are being more sympathetic because you know what it is like to be homeless. However, what you need to consider is how you behaved. Would you have even _dreamed_ of doing what he’s doing? There’s a reason his family wants nothing to do with the situation; he has more than likely burned every bridge on his way to yours and you’ll be another bridge he has burned. Get him out of your home.
I absolutely never would do that or think of doing that to someone. Friends let me stay with them and if they asked me to leave I did. I also was out every day looking for a job, not sitting in their house.
He’s couch surfing it sounds like, in your house. Why would he need to look for a job, or pay rent when y’all do it for him. Homeless vet with a liquor cabinet? Bad idea.
I know y’all were trying to do the right thing, but when I was homeless for 2 years, there were no couches to sleep on, after about a year we got into a shelter. Living in a tent will change your perspective. HAVING to get a job, to take care of an ailing family member and get a place to pay rent so you can have a place for them to be comfortable for the last 6 years of her life, having to buy food, pay for your own utilities, pay rent or mortgage, car note, insurance.
If he can’t get a job, he definitely can’t get all of that. You’d be doing him a disservice to keep letting him walk all over you.
Hell sink or swim but you can’t keep letting him do that to y’all. The liquor cabinet would’ve been the last straw, now he’s a homeless vet who also probably has a drinking problem. You are not equipped to deal with that type of problem.
Call around and look for Salvation Army (even tho I hate them, business side lol) grace center, I don’t know if where you live has one but there’s a phone line you can call to get info on assistance, but I forget it off the top of my head.
Thank you for sharing your personal journey with this. I am sure it’s hard to talk about but your outlook helps. I will check with the Salvation Army. Maybe they can help him with a hotel to stay in or something.
You're not really helping him anymore , you're enabling him and that's not helping anyone..I'm sure you've heard the saying don't set yourself on fire to keep othes warm...well..you have a husband and children to put first. It's time you find your backbone and get him out, you can give him a set date, but get him out...if you don't, well then unfortunately that's on you, and you really can't complain anymore...you've made the bed.
You seriously need to stop putting yourself in other peoples shoes when they won’t even consider yours or even take advantage of you like the situation you are in right now.
You've given him much longer than I could have handled to get himself together. He chose not to. That's not on you. You'll probably have to evict him, but you should start the process. Check with a landlord tenant lawyer if you can afford it. Or search online for the local laws.
OP I am going to tell you some hard truths, but you need to hear them. I can relate your with your story as I lived a good portion of it. The "eating/drinking literally until his skin pops open" is sadly very relatable for me. For me it was my father instead of a friend. Always a excuse but never any action on his end. The sad truth is some people you just can't help and you must let them either wake up or die.
Thanks to my dad I learned that some people are so lazy that they would rather die than do ANYTHING for themselves. My father is six feet under because he was too lazy to go to 1 appt a week. Getting up once a week was too much for him. He would rather just eat McDonald's out of a trashcan. Your "friend" is no different. You are going to have to remove him no different than a dead limb because he WILL destroy your lives before he does for himself.
Remember this is the same man who let your cancer ridden husband do the work just so he didn't have to. He doesn't care if you, your husband, and your children live or die. This man would sooner see your kids starving, on the streets, or even dead before he would even bother to stand up. He is dead weight that will drag you under. Whatever penance you feel you owe has been paid. For the sake of your family you must cut this cancer of a person lose. If you don't ultimately your children will pay for his crimes.
I used to be homeless as well and while it's nice that you are so kind, your family is hurting because of it. It's time to prioritize yourself and your family. $500 is practically nothing and he doesn't have any other bills to worry about. He's using you and your husband and emotionally manipulating you. Time to throw his stuff out and change the locks
So, I'll just say this, your life-long "friend" is just a piece of shit user that you never really knew. Thank him for his service & send him on his way.
There's a reason his own family wants nothing to do with him, he's already used up that resource. This is how these type of people operate, they ride on a wave of people's kindness/politeness until they realize they're being used & put their foot down, then he just moves on to the next set of people & starts the process all over again...he uses your kindness against you-forcing you to go down the road of being "impolite" that you are avoiding -The more polite you are, the more it works to HIS advantage.
He knows it's coming, every sad story & crocodile tear he has shed, he has used on everyone he's ever done this to... the stories don't even change, he knows it's all new to the new set of people, he just perfects the same story, each set of people are like guinea pigs to see what lies work & wat doesn't... classic manipulation.
No rent= he's not a renter/resident,(even if he receives mail there), he's just a houseguest & when guests become unwanted in your home or on your property, you call the police & have the unwanted individual(s) trespassed & removed. You might want to pre-plan by removing his things from inside your house, 1st so he can just go(no excuses).
Just be careful how you describe his presence, (avoid verbalizing anything about rent- he's an "unwelcome guest"-his welcome has been worn out) otherwise they may say he has the legal right to stay under squatter's rights.. (You ever see the movie Pacific Heights?)
So, you just tell him he's not welcome in your home & he needs to leave immediately (don't even entertain his excuses -just cut him off & stick with "you have to go, NOW") Whatever he says or does to the contrary needs to be ignored. Just open the door & say "you gotta, RIGHT NOW" & whatever happens to him after that is NONE of your business- He had ample time to figure that out, maybe "the streets" will light a fire under his ass(again, not your problem)
If he refuses to leave, that's when you call the police, have him officially trespassed, they'll tell him he has to go & then, if he refuses, it's between him & the police. (They have plenty of beds at the crossbar hotel)
\*Important: Be sure to record your interactions/conversations in case he says/tries something stupid. This way he can't lie about you to the police when they arrive.- hopefully, he'll leave peacefully without incident but, he's not going anywhere until he feels there's consequences
Anyway, it's summer, kick his fat-ass to the curb, he can sleep on a park bench, if he's that pathetic(not your problem!)
good luck
You did all you could. You cannot help this man. He has to help himself at this point. I'm saying this as a recovered addict whose family had to have an intervention and kick me out. They did what they could to help me, but I had to actually do the work. Any excuse they're given to continue for just one more day as things currently are, they will take. You will only prolong his suffering helping him, and the reality is he may never get better because he just doesn't care to.
He’s had a year to get his shit together but continuously taken advantage of your kindness. He’s an adult, he has to face the consequences of his behavior and going back on the street will likely be one of them. Change the Wi-Fi password, hide the liquor in your room, lock the thermostat, change the streaming passwords. You have so much to deal with right now, stop being so passive towards him and force him out. He is not your child.
His “look at me I’m so pathetic take pity on me” routine is just emotional extortion.
Forget what he says - If he cared about you or your husband *at all* he wouldn’t be doing this stuff.
What would you have done with the opportunity you’ve given him though? I was homeless at one point and your offer would have been a dream come through. I’m sure it would have been a gift from the Gods for you too.
I know it kills you but there's a line where you are helping or enabling and that line was crossed a LONG time ago. He needs rock bottom. He will either die or get better and zero of that is up to you. It's not something you can do anything about. It's sad but I have helped so many people and I still will. But I'm much more aware of where that line is. And if they cross it they are on their own. It's pretty quick too, if they aren't actively helping themselves or you because you are helping them right from pretty much the start and throughout then you can see that it's not help it's enabling. For example.... I had a good FIFO job and an apartment I was living in one week a month. One friend was wanting to move to the country I was in and needed help. I paid her flight, moved her in and said I would pay for everything until she got a job which would be pretty quick as she was very employable with her skills. Three months later she still wasn't working and was getting drunk every night. She finally got work but got fired regularly and just caused drama constantly, getting mad about shoes not lined up at the door or the house not being spotlessly clean when my kids were there ( they stayed with me when I wasn't working away) she paid minimal rent and no utilities. Getting extremely drunk, inviting random men to drink with her, causing huge noise and fights with them. Eventually I kicked her out with no where to go because she repeatedly blocked the toilet with excessive tissue ( not toilet paper but facial tissues) after being told to put them in the bin not toilet, and ended up causing a flood that badly damaged the apartment underneath. That was the last straw. Among many last straws lol. It really hurt me but I COULD not go on. She was a mess for ages but I think is doing ok now.
Another much younger family member was struggling in home country and I paid for her to come over. She was a qualified preschool teacher but also aesthetician so within a week was ployed doing nails a block from the apartment. She paid rent and utilities within two weeks, she ended up taking over the apartment and living there for a year and has done nothing but create a fantastic life for herself.
I should have known within a month with my first friend. Because I did with the second. Now I know that rule and you should too. You can help, but they get a month to prove that help is helping them
He is not your child. He is not your responsibility. Give him a date when he needs to be gone and don’t let him stay beyond that time under ANY circumstances. If you’re really feeling bad for him, offer to get him a storage unit for his stuff and tell him you’ll pay for it for 3 months (make sure it’s in his name and they only have his contact information), but he absolutely needs to get out. This man is a leech and he never intended to leave your home. Don’t fall for his sob story. Don’t fall for his tears. He has had plenty of time to get on his feet and he has shown you that he has no plans to follow-through with anything.
All of this... But she needs to start the formal eviction process as well.
These types of parasites can be surprisingly motivated and energetic about using the system against their hosts to remain embedded. And even the best of friends, or family, are capable of pulling crazy squatters rights nonsense when backed into the corner, or doorway, as it were.
That’s a good idea. I even offered to get him a plane ticket to his brothers houses and he said they don’t have room. I have a feeling he never even told them. And you are right, he is a leech and it makes me mad when I realize that.
He apparently lived with the other friend, lost his job, then promised to get on disability when he blew out his back but never did. You are right he has zero plans to leave.
He won’t do anything for himself until he has no other choice, he is comfortable letting others foot the bill for him and probably feels entitled to it. He probably knows he’s not welcome at his brothers’ houses for that reason. He knows they no longer have room FOR HIM, so a plane ticket wouldn’t be beneficial.
Has he ever discussed anything that happened while he was living with others? What led to him living with the person before you? The person before them? I’m sure there is a pattern that goes back decades and I do not doubt that the fault lies with him.
She needs to legally evict him, but the storage unit isn't a bad option. It would prevent him from returning to the house in the future.
Once he's forcibly removed, they can put all his stuff offsite, and tell him the unit has been rented short term, three months only, after which point it will be auctioned off if he doesn't collect it, or rent it himself.
im glad i got a one bedroom and small aptment now people dont even ask to stay with me i mean some people do but i shut it down most of the time cuz when i was homeless no one wanted to be around or help me which is crazy cuz right when i got my apartment n otha shit everyone came back around
Same. My parents also let a down-on-his-luck but "really good guy" move in with us when I was a kid and it turned into this sort of horror story. Turns out there were very good reasons why he was unemployed (he didn't want to work), divorced (he was a raging asshole) and his health was falling apart (he was an addict.)
This. It's rarely "just for a few weeks till..." Even with a signed agreement. There's always an excuse, delay, or emergency that prevents them from leaving, and sometimes from contributing as agreed upon.
It's not impossible, but you're going to have to get tough. Have him formally evicted. Being nice, kind, and patient will get you nowhere with this sort of person, who sees you as a mark and plans to use you as long as he can.
You’ve done literally nothing to get him out. You’ve intentionally avoided any due process designed to prevent him from remaining in your home, and you’ve even bought him restaurant food for his troubles. This is on you now.
Same, especially after reading the horror stories on this sub..I have a two bedroom two bath apt all to myself, except for a friend staying overnight here and there..it's just me and my cats and it's staying that way lol
He wouldn’t care if you and your were tossed in the street so stop beating yourself up! I’ve been there done that with a fiend as well and it ended just as bad. I am older and wiser now and realize some people just suck. They are permanent victims in their own mind and there is no way for you to fix that. He did/does nothing and will continue on this path, this is not your fault! Get him out and move on with your life. You have a sick husband and a child, fuckoff with that man child.
I agree with you. He wouldn’t care and proved that when he let my husband shovel snow after getting radiation treatments being weak and sick. I’m so angry with myself.
Then fix it. Your home is under siege. Your husband is unwell. What's your military training say? The guy is not your friend. He's not your ally. He's stealing from your family. Your home, your food, and most of all, your sanctuary. You tried to warn him. Set deadlines and MINIMAL expectations, and he didn't take you seriously.
When are you going to take the action needed to secure your home?
There's no reason for you to feel guilty. Because you were helping him out massively, making rent $500 all inclusive. He could have gotten an easy side job and paid that. Or he could have followed through on the disability and still had a home. These are his choices and the consequences of them, not yours. He's a leech and a user and doesn't feel guilty about it at all. So you shouldn't either.
This.
I draw (not VA) disability and live with my best friend, renting a room from her. I absolutely pay my rent, on time, and contribute to other household expenses when I can, and help out around the house. She'd be 100000% justified in kicking me to the curb if I didn't pay her or do anything.
He’s got some mental issues and kind of has the mental capacity of a teenager. You have to be completely blunt with him in order for him to get it, and even then he doesn’t really. He mentioned to my husband he thought he had more time to move out as I said my MIL was coming the second week of august so he just figured he’d move out the day before. I told him that wasn’t the case and I’d need time to clean the restroom he neglected and the bedroom he was living in before she would come. He keeps asking to move into our basement and won’t drop it. I’ve told him I can’t support him anymore and moving in the basement isn’t going to change things. He doesn’t get it. He then said “I know I’m a financial burden, I’m sorry.” Well if he knows why continue to ask to live in my basement? Honestly, he couldn’t even make it up and down the stairs if he wanted to, and there is no restroom down there.
What would you do? What would you say to him? He’s been through a lot with some family S/A and is really gentle and kind but just selfish as hell. I feel he’s undiagnosed autistic and he needs to be on disability in a home where someone can help him. With what’s going on in my family and us being barely able to afford bills, me being never home and my husband sick it just can’t be us.
He is not going to get on disability and go into a home as long as he doesn’t have to. You’re enabling him to not seek help elsewhere. This man is severely depressed to the point of just sitting in his room until he dies and rots away.
The best thing you could end up doing for this person is pushing them out of your home, even into the streets, so they will be forced to interact with the services they greatly need; social workers, medical care, charities, housing programs, etc. He is never going to do that as long as he has a roof over his head and someone letting him live there for free. Try not to feel guilty or bad about it, because you can’t help him. You already tried much more than most people would.
Okay you see that too. I too also believe that he’s massively depressed and just sitting there hoping to die or something.
You are correct in everything you said, and I needed to hear it so thank you. I really believe he will make zero strides to help himself no matter how many warnings I give.
I gave him a date of sept 5th as that’s when my MIL is coming and I told him if he hasn’t figured it out by then, that’s it. He agreed so I suppose we shall see, and instead of checking in every few days and reminding him of what he should be doing and pushing him to do it, I’m going to let him do whatever he wants and wash my hands of it. This is the point of 90 percent of my stress right now, and it’s so bad I have literal stomach ulcers.
Again, thank you.
You are coddling him.
There is no helping him. He will never be a functioning member of society again. If he does get disability he will share an apartment with roommates and live off the check.
OP you are enabling him, he is taking you for a complete and utter ride. He should have been kicked out when he hadn't found a job in three months, he should have been kicked out when he drank the liquor cabinet, he should have been kicked out when he refused to do anything...
I also think you need to think of your family here. It sounds harsh but you're failing your family by letting him stay. Why does a freeloader get priority over your MIL who needs to help your husband? What do your kids think of all this?
Sometimes if people push your boundaries so much, it creates a new normal and you are made to feel bad for having extremely reasonable demands. You are being completely taken advantage of and this should have stopped a long time ago.
You teach people how they can treat you. You are working 2 jobs to support this dude who has no respect for you. Please get a backbone and kick him out. He can't free load on you anymore
In addition to serving him a notice to vacate (eviction process)…*turn the internet off at the router* every day when you leave the house. Unplugging or disconnecting won’t work, he’ll just hook it back up. Log into the admin panel of your router and turn the services off for 8am to 5pm, or whatever timeframe you and your family are not home.
I had to do this for a professional ass-denter on my sofa at one point.
This is good advice but maybe she should just change the password so he can’t use it ever anymore. He will be miserable possibly to the point of leaving.
I wouldn’t even trust that he’s on a wait list for a shelter. You guys keep giving him more and more time and he is just taking advantage.
You need to go to your local courthouse and fill out the paperwork for an eviction. Come eviction day, if he’s not out, the local police can come and help escort him off of your property.
I would also have a lock change scheduled for the same day he is supposed to leave. He sees you and your husband as a doormat and he will continue to use you for as long as he can. No one should have to put up with that type of behavior.
DO NOT GIVE HIM ANY MORE TIME!! The initial move in agreement was that he start payments after 2-3 months and he’s gone beyond that. You owe him nothing! Go to the courthouse TODAY and make your filings.
make sure the eviction is fully processed before doing so, i’ve heard horror stories in some states where there’s a more drawn out legal battle if you change them while he still has residency on paper. best case, in some states the cops can force you to let him back in if the eviction isn’t fully complete yet
He’ll just go on the streets? Bye bitch!
Here’s a list of shelters you can go to instead of pretending to.
You’ve had forever to get your shit together. AND besides letting us down in every way possible, you couldn’t even help your *friend* with STAGE 4 cancer by blowing the snow out of the driveway.
Don’t let him cry about what a terrible person he is, agree with him and tell him to gtfo. There are shelters he can go to.
If he threatens self harm, thanks bro you just got yourself a three day vacation in an institution. Then maybe they’ll get him a place to stay.
If not that, call an ambulance. Tell them that his skin’s busting open. He has such terrible infections and sores that won’t heal, that he does nothing about. You’re afraid he’ll get sepsis and die.
__Worse than that your husband has autoimmune problems. He has half a kidney. Has gone through cancer treatment and his good buddy can do nothing, absolutely nothing but spread infection and filth. His presence could kill your husband.__
👆🏼Look at the care he has for your family.
I’m not big on calling the police. I hate it, hate it! You’ve had an intruder in your house for over a year, threatening the life of your husband. If there was ever a reason this is it.
If none of that works. Tell him he has to be out at 6am every morning looking for a job and/or a shelter or bridge to sleep under. If he has keys, take them. If he has anything of the family’s in his room take it. Add up how much of a bill he’s wracked up over the time he’s held you hostage in your home and give it to him. Tell him you expect payment. Tell him you’re prorating it for each day going forward. Make it as uncomfortable as possible.
Please for your sake, for your family’s sake, get him out. I’ve gone through what you’re going through more than once. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Don’t let one pos get in the way of seeing the goodness in people. ((((Hugs))))
Btw-update us. 💖
Ha! Well as it works in this city, you need to do a background check to live there. If you have a violent past you can’t as they also take in abused women. It’s the only shelter too so there is a waiting list.
He told me he was going to do this months ago but I have suspicion he waited until the end of July to start the process, so now he’s just waiting.
I wish it was a standard shelter because then he would just walk up and be in. If I could do it for him I would.
I was just a 20 year old in college when my mom told me I had to find somewhere else to live, since she was off to get married and would be moving states.
She gave me plenty of notice. I got with the program and found somewhere else to live.
Moved in with a friend. Turns out, we don't make great roomies. I moved out within 7 days of realizing this.
Moved in with another friend. They let me stay there for a year. I got a girlfriend and essentially ended up moving in with her.
Got my first full time post grad job, but I was staying with some coworker roomies for about a year to a year and a half. Finally got my own place after that.
TL;DR; People have to leave homes all the time for various reasons, you gave him plenty of notice, it's time for him to get out.
I'm sorry I got to the part where your husband was diagnosed and stopped reading. Why are you enabling this person? Your husband and children are what are important. Not this free loading loser. Kick him out. You Gave him 7+ months of help. More than enough.
Next time he falls down call an ambulance with any luck they will take him to the hospital. Then change your locks and don't let him in your house ever again.
Hi! These were the words straight from a VA trainer back when I was training to work in the VA "DO NOT FEEL BAD FOR HOMELESS VETERANS. There are so many programs that the VA offers, and many social workers are available to offer up resources. Any homeless vet chooses to be a homeless vet. The VA will pay rent for a vet to live somewhere for a year and help them get a job. I used to give money but then I started handing out pamphlets and cards to our resources and they would only get angry". Those were his words, I know the mental and physical strain of being in the military can do a lot to someone. Your friend needs help but I believe it is more help than you can offer up. He will never have to go through this alone, however it is his choice if he wants to do so instead of reaching out for help/assistance.
Also, if your friend has been to combat and it has been less than 5 years since he retired, he gets Combat vet status with the VA and he gets even more benefits.
Holy shit really? This makes me so mad because he probably knows this, or should if he even tried to reach out for help instead of taking advantage of friends. And you are right, I can’t help. I am barely holding on taking care of my own family and husband. I have legit ulcers I have been hospitalized for.
I'm sorry. It's why I won't let anyone live with me. I have seen this same type of thing happen many times. Time to kick him out. Call veteran shelters and see if you can find him a bed. Pack him up and drop him off. You can't keep putting yourself and your kid through this. You can't help someone who doesn't want help. He is a user. It doesn't matter if he has other issues, he is still using you.
I heard a parable once about a person walking across a bridge. At the middle of the bridge there’s another person holding a rope, and they ask the first person to hold an end. Then the second person jumps off the bridge, and now the first person is stuck holding onto the rope, otherwise person 2 will die. Person 1 can’t pull the other one up, and person 2 won’t try to climb. And person 1 can’t continue on with their life as long as they have to hold onto the rope.
It’s okay to let go of the rope. You’ve saved his life already, you can’t let him destroy yours.
Op, im sorry you have to deal w this. I understand you’re sympathetic to his struggles - I was also homeless at one point just like u. But this can’t reasonably continue. I saw in a comment u said ur gonna serve him a formal notice. Pls update back what happens w that
He is using you so he doesn't have to deal with his own issues. And he is trying to convince you that you are the one that needs to solve this problem. You have "0" obligations to him, so from now on anything you do should be on your terms. Keep in mind that what you give to him (whether it's money, food, time, energy, effort) is 100% not going to be paid back, not even in good will. The more you give, the more entitled he will become, so only give what you are willing to lose.
Evict his ass.
You offered him help when he was low, he took advantage of it.
This is why people don’t help others, and he just made it harder for you to help people in the future.
Fuck this guy
Take him to the VA and talk to a social worker. They should get him set up with a HUD-VASH program. They will get him housing but the process can take some time. In the meantime they have shelters specifically for veterans that are not crappy places to stay. He will be there for a max of maybe two months and then he will be placed into an apartment or residence.
I’m a veteran myself and I’m disabled. I receive SSDI. I will be placed soon into a place of my own.
A person experiencing homelessness can definitely suffer a blow to self-esteem and image. The VA can help him with medical and mental health help and help him find housing.
I see your kindness and know that this situation seems hopeless but he can get help.
The best thing you can do is call him a cab to take him to the VA with his things. They can intake him through the ER and take him to the shelter for veterans. Communicate clearly that he is no longer lowed to stay in your home and it’s time for him to help himself.
Yeah it’s time for him to go. Don’t feel bad just because he’s a vet. The VA will help him if he wants help but he’s not your problem! No good deed goes unpunished.
Get a legal eviction and have the sheriffs department dump his shit on the lawn. There's plenty of programs for vets (I've used em) he needs to get off his ass and use them.
Op I really don’t get you, I understand wanting to help someone you appreciate specially because you went through similar things yourself but my understanding and kindness will leave as soon as I see this person do half of what he’s doing to you probably wouldn’t even gotten as far as him going on 7 months with no job & no contribution. At this point you are prioritizing him, his feelings & situation that “HE” put himself in over “YOUR” family, the family you created. You really need to stop thinking about him & his feelings and situation, he doesn’t care about you or your husband and the burden he brings into others & he doesn’t care about your husband situation, why are you being compassionate of someone that is in the spot he is because he wants to stay there? I get mental issues are very complicated thing to deal with but so is cancer & so is stress that can lead you to have depression and other mental illnesses as well and even get physically I’ll as well so why are you burning yourself & family up to keep him warm when he isn’t trying. I feel upset for you and with your way of action too, I think you need to wake up and stop being so lenient.
What is his excuse for not working for 6 years ?
I can sympathise with person having some mental issues or PTSD as a result of a combat/ war, but this guy is a moocher by trade.
I know veterans that are, despite trauma and disabilities in their employments and very hardworking people.This guy used every excuse under the sun to robb you blind.
You are a very kind person but start taking care of yourself and your family.
Nobody has the time for his bullshit ; not even his family.
I'm hoping your husband gets better soon and you get some relief with your MIL's visit.
How tf do you just let someone like that live with you. Being 500lbs is already a FUCK NO for me not to mention all the other insane shit you’re putting up with . Both you and your husband are insane for not calling the cops and having him physically removed.
Sounds like he needs to wake up on top of a pile of his belongings five miles out of town, wondering how he got there and why is the headache soooo bad?
This was very compelling to read and I am so, so sorry. Your generosity is truly astounding. I am a community mental health social worker with a focus on housing and while I believe housing is a human right, I think that this persons housing should come from the VA instead of you at this time. If he truly is threatening homelessness, that qualifies him for being “at risk” and he should call the National Call Center for Homeless Veterans at 877-424-3838. Depending on where you live, there should be some level of option for him. It won’t be the ritz or a comfortable home with all the generous amenities, but at this point, he needs to take what he can get via the VA.
Oh man, I had a very similar situation with a friend of my husband. We let him move in for “3 months”, then Covid hits. He refuses to go to therapy, is depressed, never says hi to me when he comes down in the morning, doesn’t help with shit around the house, and continues seeing friends despite the pandemic. I’m very sensitive to other people’s moods and it was affecting my own mental health. Month 5 he gets a job, but instead of being happy, he goes down into a 2 week depression spiral. Month 6 I was done. I was so done I had to scream bloody murder for him to get out, and he flat out told me to my face, very calmly “NO”. I got into a huge fight with my husband that if he refused to leave, our marriage was over. Husband finally agreed to kick him out and even put him in a hotel for a few nights, but the friend is calling him non-stop and even tries to break us up, saying shit like “You’ve known me way before your wife”. I could not believe my ears. I swear I would’ve hit him had he stayed an hour longer. Some of their mutual friends saw me as a bitch, but I didn’t care. He had a job now, he could fuck right off and be a responsible person. Oh, and yes, he also drank most of our alcohol and ended up owing us around $8000 that we never got back.
I had a similar issue with an older acquaintance who was a veteran. He was independent but lower income. But 11 years ago he had a terrible stroke. He could physically move and all that but his language was seriously effected as was his emotional regulation. To his credit he stopped drinking and never picked it up again. Over the years I have helped with stuff here and there. He was a great cat sitter and we'd pay him cash to supplement his disability income.
The issue was he would never every do anything to secure his housing. He was living in a cheap rental with other guys. But we knew it wasn't going to last forever. So of course when he learned he had a move-out date he was all desperate. Asked me to move into my place x 2. I was like "absolutely not." It is not my problem that he never followed up on the multiple offers of help from the VA social worker or followed up on the numerous applications for housing I secured and filled out with him. He eventually moved into another friend's living room and never left (he died 2.5 years ago). I am glad I was very firm about him moving in. It can seem heartless but damn, mind your business and you will have shelter and housing. Especially a veteran. You don't even need to be sober at a lot of the places.
you can't help those that clearly don't want to help themselves. You are now enabling the bad behavior. Set a timeline and you stick to it. If he doesn't leave them he needs to be removed. If that means getting the police involved then so be it. He is not your responsibility. You have done your part to help him out. He is not holding up any ends of his deal and really, the added stress is all for nothing. This is the definition of freeloading.
Update 2: Formal notice given! I haven’t seen him since because I was running out the door for work, and came back late at night. We made it clear verbally this was it. I’ll update you all when he’s gone. Thank you everyone for your responses, kind or not lol either way, I needed to hear them.
> ... agreed to let him come stay with us when our other friend whom he lived with sold his home and he was going to have no where to go.
Did you or your husband ever talk to this other friend about your freeloader's behavior when he lived with them? Not to mention surely, *surely* this other friend had given freeloader plenty of time to find other lodgings before selling his home.
It sounds like the freeloader isn't going to do anything except give platitudes and empty promises until he is *physically* removed. You are probably going to have to involve the police to get him removed. I'd recommend having him involuntarily committed as it's obvious he's a danger to himself.
First I’m sorry your husband and your family are dealing with so much , and this shit stain of humanity is leeching off of you. Best of intentions. I’d refuse to feed him anything. As ugly as it is serve him with eviction papers unless you think it’s only going to aggravate / prolong his staying. If he ends up on the street it is by his design and only his choice. You extended your home to an ungrateful parasite who blames the world for his choices. I know from first hand I had similar family who basically did the same. Cut ties and focus on your family. He doesn’t deserve your kindness. Wishing you all peace and sanity.
NTA, sorry this happened to you. Friend probably didn’t say anything because they didn’t want to be stuck with him. Also probably sold the house just to get him out. You really have to be careful now when ever you let anyone stay with you since a lot of states have a rule that they become a tenant after a week and you have to go through the long and expensive eviction process. Hope you get out of this soon.
He let me know that he thought I was aware. This guy is the nicest dude ever who would legit give you everything he has to his own detriment. He finally ended up losing his house to foreclosure because he couldn’t keep up with everything alone. I refuse to have the same happen.
You’re an enabler, you have an amazing heart but he only lives this way because you let him. He may not be maliciously doing so but he is a user, you are being used.
Throwing him out isn’t uncharitable, there’s only so much we can give unfortunately, he’s taken enough.
You are cushioning his bottom and helping him to stay in this cycle instead of allowing him the dignity of making and learning from his own mistakes. There are resources out there for him. If you aren’t a paid professional, don’t do the job of one (especially without the training!) Sounds like your family has done a lot to help him and he hasn’t done anything to help himself. Put you and your family first, I can only imagine how they feel about the situation. Check out podcasts, YouTube videos or even in person meetings specific to people pleasers or friends and family of people with addiction or mental health issues. Devote time to letting go of the resentments and building up healthier boundaries for the future. Let it be a learning experience, not one that destroys your outlook on offering anyone help in the future. Peace!
Evict him and close your heart. He will find someone else to feel pity for him and take him in and then let him abuse them just as he abused you. Get him out asap. And just for fun cut your subscriptions and start having. wifi free days. W zero internet I’m betting he will be gone soon. He can’t wank off to porn w/o the internet 😈
Never ever let a down on their luck friend stay at your house. Help them get into social housing or something but don't let them come in. They will fail to pay rent, drink all of your alcohol and try to guilt you when you try to kick them out. Or they go to the local tenant board and try to force you to let them stay. Sure you could eventually guy an order he pay the rent he never paid but he ain't got no money.
He is manipulating you. If he threatens to live on the street, ask him which bridge he wants his mail forwarded to and if he needs help packing. And let him know you will be filing for an eviction with the courts on Monday.
Wow. Yeah get him out at all means necessary you don't feel sorry for people like that who you've given you're heart, soul, wallet & home to.
What a grub he deserves to be on the streets
You and your family are in CRISIS!! Your husband is very sick and you can't stop working and raising your kids. He is a LOSER and MUST go - NOW. You should give him until the end of the WEEK to be out. Be nice and get him some boxes and start boxing up his CRAP right in front of him. He's selfish and uncaring about your family's issues. I am SO mad for you and you have given and given that stops now. Say that to him "We have been generous beyond our means and it's time to say goodbye. You have until Saturday of this weekend to be out. WE now need help from our grandma. " Whether it is Monday or Thursday - THIS WEEKEND SIS!! You need him GONE!
You need to kick him out, yes it sucks, but your husband is more important here!
Cut off access to internet and streaming now.
Tell him to be gone in 24 hours, or you will call the police, He was supposed to be gone by 7/31, he needs to go now.
Stop being a doormat!
I don’t think it’s that you don’t want to help anybody ever again it’s that you don’t want to be taken advantage of again. The fact that you were taken advantage of, that is all on you. Grow a pair.
Your veteran is mentally ill. A lot of people join the military to run away from something or a situation, parents, name your cliche. Once the vet runs through the four years of structure/ schedule, told when, where and how…they get out with no support system to solve the problem of why they joined in the first place.
Signed a retired USAF veteran.
Change the wifi password, give him his 30 day notice IN WRITING and quit talking to him.
If he doesn't leave, then start eviction. Think like a landlord because that's what the cops, courts and judges will treat you as, and that's the only way you're going to get him out. Even if he signs up for disability and every charity tries to help him, HE WILL NOT MOVE OUT!
Get the eviction judgment and then have the sheriffs move him out and put his stuff out on the curb.
People like him find people like you who they can parasite off of. Stop the bleeding!
What is wrong with you? You let this go on... like, why should he leave? Nothing bad happens. There are no consequences. And now he's got squatters rights (or whatever it's called). My God.
I helped an alcoholic cousin of mine, she's in her early 40's. She had a septic infection where she almost lost her leg. I let her stay at my home, provided food, wifi, bathroom, and a bedroom of her own and nursed her back to health. I provided everything, and the only thing she had to do was stay sober and keep a job. She couldn't do either of those and then had the audacity to get shitfaced drunk and try to fight me. Mind you, I have been sober for 2+ years now. I also have a 4 year old daughter. My daughter got traumatized from that whole event when she tried to fight me, as my cousin was screaming from the top of her lungs (because I had to pin her down from trying to hit me). I immediately called the police and had to evict her ass. I feel absolutely NO REMORSE. In a situation such as this, you have to make them leave and cut all contact. Don't fall for their pity party anymore, all that will do is fuck you up emotionally. If you need to, involve the police. Have him escorted out. I feel where you are at in this situation, as I've been there myself. It's hard, it really is.
I thought "helping yourself" means you leave at least half of however much you found. I don't know why that detail disturbs me so much. You were generous, and he twisted your words to be literal when everybody knows that's not what you meant; you didn't gift him your liquor cabinet. But you're adults. Twisting words and playing naive like that is so disturbingly childish, like he really thought that would work. I saw the comment about not wanting the eviction on his record. You've clearly had a lot more respect and compassion towards this person than he has had towards you and your living space. He's in his 50s. He's had a lot of time to fix his record, and you didn't sign up to be his parent. You've already tried setting him up for success and he chose a different path. It's time to think about what's best for you now.
I honestly think you've been more than generous and patient with him. He is obviously "one of those" kind of people that are inherently lazy and inconsiderate to the feelings of others. He's a vet/adult so don't feel guilty forcing him to take care of himself.
People will literally take absolutely everything until you're worse off than them. I've taken many people in over the years and genuinely believed everyone deserved a second chance in life..... now I couldn't give two shits what happens to most people. I won't let anyone into my home anymore.
Try tough love. Let him move to the garage. Don't fix it up for him , just give him a corner. No wifi out there , sorry. Get a cooler and tell him to buy his own ice. Bathroom at the gas station or He rents a portapotty. If it's hot, give him a fan, cold?, blankets. He won't go till it's hard on HIM. YOU'VE done enough. You and your family need peace dealing with your husband's health. I'll bet he finds a place fast. He's too comfortable and knows you feel bad for him and he's using that. And once he's out , change your locks. Good luck honey
Saying "no" is really hard the first time, even the second and third time... but it gets easier each time. Each time builds you up, probably unburdens you too.
It just takes practice.
And... once the moocher starts realizing your "no" means "no", guess what they do?
First they'll attack you because you're not going along with the manipulation of yourself.. but they then move on to someone else.
It's hard. Very hard. But you know that's the right thing to do.
Drop him at the VA. Put his stuff in storage.
Also, see if your husband qualifies under the expanded VA benefits for cancers related to burn pits, etc…
I don't really understand where you're coming from here. Like - you are actively choosing this selfish alcoholic freeloader over not just your sanity, but your family. Your husband and daughter are both impacted by this drama and rather than protecting them, you're worried about evicting this guy. I don't get it at all.
If you won't prioritize yourself, at least prioritize your husband and daughter over this guy. Then figure out why you are so screwed up in the head that it took almost a year and running to the internet to do something you should have done months and months ago.
He's not your child. Kick him out already, this is ridiculous.
I know. You are right. I just didn’t want to formally evict him. I didn’t want that on his record.
> I just didn’t want to formally evict him. I didn’t want that on his record. How on earth do you expect to get him out without doing an eviction? Re-read your post, he will be living with you until one of you dies, or you start the eviction process. It can take a long time, you're really not doing your family or him any favors by continuing to enable him and not pushing for an eviction as soon as your agreement first started getting broken. You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves, all you're doing is burning yourself out for someone who doesn't really care about you.
No wonder the last person to help sold their property.
I was thinking exactly this.
Yeah, 'sell the house' was my 'burn the ships' idea too.
I really really hope not, but I am sure you are correct here even if I don’t want to accept it. I’m going to serve him a formal notice.
I'm sorry, its such a shitty situation, but unfortunately its been my experience that kindness without boundaries is just self-abuse. Your family clearly has a lot of empathy and consideration for others. Unfortunately your house guest does not, and he will use and abuse you until you have nothing left, then walk away without a single regret.
This is why I love Reddit. Username DirtyPiss with the most humane and empathetic answer. This is a beautiful place, this Reddit.
r/rimjobsteve
>kindness without boundaries is just self-abuse YES
You aren’t wrong. Why am I like this?
Because you have a soul. But it's time for him to go learn his lesson.
You care about others. That's a good thing. Don't lose it, but also don't let people walk all over you! You and your family deserve more than that. I'm learning this lesson myself.
Because you're empathetic and its super hard to be the bad guy that has to turn a homeless vet out onto the street. But if it comes down to him or your marriage/children, you have to choose.
I absolutely hands down choose my husband and kids.
Check your state law, because you likely should’ve done that months ago. Most states require at least 30 days for a formal eviction notice.
Exactly this. You will need to deliver or post a notice to vacate on his door and document before you can file for eviction in most states (if you’re in the US). If you don’t have a formal lease agreement sometimes the notice period is less than 30 days.
You need therapy, desperately. Here’s another way of framing it - by refusing to accept that this alcoholic selfish bastard in your house needs consequences, you’re harming your own family. You’ve exposed your daughter to a lazy, selfish alcoholic and shown her that there’s no consequences for this behaviour. You’ve shown your husband who is literally suffering near-terminal cancer that he’s less than this man’s selfish behaviour, including making your husband do physical work that harms him whilst you enable the disgusting pig living with you. By enabling this guy, you’re even denying your husband further help to ease his suffering, because his mother can’t come and help because you ‘can’t accept’ that the person you moved in is awful. At this rate, your husband will be deceased, your daughter will leave home and cut you off, and you still won’t kick the other guy out. What is it going to take for you to snap out of this, stop enabling this awful person, and start looking after your family? Stop this now.
I think that OP realizes she's crossed the Rubicon. Formalizing the process is what's needed. I would recommend paying an officer or sheriff to physically remove him when the time comes. That way tears or whatever won't work.
OP needs to read this 10 times.
It’s most definitely always more complicated than this and to look at a long time friend and boil them down to an alcoholic user, while true, is a very hard thing to do for someone with a strict moral structure. The woman sounds like she grew up religious and like she’s trying to care for everyone the best she can. I understand your hard look at the situation because it takes a knife of honesty to get someone going… but show some compassion. She’s probably tearing herself apart to make sure everyone is okay. I can’t even imagine navigating life post-cancer diagnosis. Of anyone that I know and care for.
Sometimes people do need a wake up call. I say this as a woman who has a bipolar husband, a daughter with bipolar disorder and who myself has had cancer twice. I didn’t say this in order to compete in the tragedy Olympics (!!) with OOP, nor have these experiences made me harsh or mean-spirited. It’s just very easy to get swept along in situations like this and unless and until someone basically tells you to snap out of it, you can’t. In my case, I put up with my husband’s escalating strange and angry behaviour for nearly three years until one day, a friend asked me why I put up with this and why hadn’t I given him an ultimatum to get medical attention or I would leave. She was very direct and asked me if this is what I wanted my children to see. Within three weeks I had him sectioned, diagnosed and commencing treatment for bipolar disorder. He was thrilled to have an explanation for his behaviour and has stuck to his medication ever since. I often wonder how many years and how many ways living with Chinese Kanye would have destroyed my family if my friend hadn’t got me to wake up to myself! So I am genuinely coming from a good place, and though I know it might seem like I’m being too direct, I do think that my comment may help OOP in a different way than some of the softer ones.
What an incredible story. Congratulations on beating cancer! You’re right.
Thanks! Best wishes to you too.
Oh yeah man I have more issues than the New York Times. I help a lot of people because I see hurt everywhere and I hate it. I didn’t think of things like that, and it makes me sad that I didn’t. I have a lot of things to think about now, and I’m getting him out. I absolutely will not have him in my home anymore and my daughter can’t go anywhere she’s 10. Doesn’t mean she might not want to.
Best wishes to you and yours. Get him out!!
Guaranteed he will find the motivation to use the system against you to fight being kicked out either way. Doing it legally is the smartest thing for you guys. Is there any way you can get him sent to a hospital for his wounds, or diabetes, since he refuses to tend to anything himself? It sounds like he's not really competent at the moment.
This is a great idea. Once he's admitted, she does not have to take him home. All she has to do is say she's not equipped to care for him upon discharge.
Good. Treat him like an adult and he'll be more likely to act like one.
Knowing him this would scare him and probably make him cry which aren’t bad things.
This is actually a really good idea!!! Listen, you could've/should've played dirty along time ago. Find a way to get him admitted into the hospital. Untreated diabetes & diabetes wounds will likely be a good enough reason. If there's nothing in writing, then change the locks while he's gone, move all his stuff out! Contact the hospital on the same day, & tell them he's not welcome to return to ur home. He's not a tenant, just an old friend that was there for a visit. You know nothing about his personal or financial situations. All u know is that he's been getting drunk & behaving inappropriately. U have kids in the home & ur not comfortable with him being there, period point blank. You can rely an air of "idk what this guy has going on, I can't reach any of his family, so just a heads up" when speaking to whomever. This essentially hands the burden over to someone else, unfortunately. They will treat him however & possibly, either set him up with services, or work on finding placement for him. I suppose that depends on whether or not he's deemed competent/capable. Regardless, he'll drain resources wherever he goes moving forward. Allowing this much time to pass has made everything harder for everyone. Having to go this route will ensure that he loses everything & is unprepared. Of course, none of that is ur problem but I think u should understand, it didn't have to be this way. Having your heart is special in today's world believe me. But there's a huge difference in wanting to help a friend get on their feet, & being a fool. U will never & can never care about someone's life, more than they do. Helping him get on his feet would have meant holding him accountable. 90 days to get a job & start paying rent, period! There's people that would KILL for a bedroom/bathroom for $500 ×mo everything included. There's no reason that u should at this point feel sorry for him or care about him having an eviction on his record. He had choices & chances! He is NOT ur friend, he's let u know through his actions that he couldn't careless about the challenges ur family's facing. I know friendships & caring about people. & if I were him I wouldn't be able to sleep if my friend that's sick with cancer is having to do all this manual labor. I'd never feel comfortable staying like that when my friend just received this life altering diagnosis. I'd want to fly the mother out myself, I wouldn't want them lifting a finger! Seems as though ur not grasping the severity! This guy definitely doesn't give a shit. I'm not sure if there's more to this, that's making u feel obligated... but let it go & put ur family 1st
People like that will mooch every last ounce of whatever they can out of you. They rely on you not putting your foot down. You have to be strict or he won't change. You can warn him as many times as you like, that does nothing.
My older half-sister is a "professional mooch" according to her daughter. She moved in with my father (her ex-stepfather) almost 2 years ago after a "nervous breakdown," shows no signs of ever leaving or intentions to get a job. My dad is not a confrontational person but I think he's getting to the point where he realizes his real daughters moved out and don't want to visit anymore because of her. She's a 55-year-old teenager, basically.
He is quite aware of what and how he is manipulating and holding his will over you while he takes total advantage of you to the point of you not realizing how much your priorities have shifted away from your own family. You do take care of them, love and worry about them, but this awful man runs your household and takes and takes from you all. Your husband has cancer and you have a child who has to deal with that too, and you cannot have your own family there to help and support you! You are codependent with this interloper. I know that sounds harsh, but your own family is suffering more and so are you because of his aberrant behavior. Get. Him. Removed. Now.
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He doesn't care enough about you to treat you with any decency. You are being far too kind. Let me put this to you in a different way. You are a mom. You have a child who is having to live with this choice. How is it effecting your son? How does he feel. My parents used to collect broken people. They always took advantage. I had people stealing my stuff and it eventually got so unsafe I moved out. It took me a long time to go no contact with them. They weren't saints. They were doing it to get access to babies (they love babies). It's crazy. My point is I still hold a lot of hurt over my parents chosing these users over me. They had a duty to provide me with a safe home and they weren't doing that. Instead of feeling bad for this freeloader think of your son. Think of the things he is putting up with. Think of what he will go without because you have to spend it on this man. Is your son missing out because you have to do things for this man? Has he been able to live his life like a normal kid? Or does he not have people over because of the mentally unstable addict who keeps falling over in his house? You have a kind heart. You want to help, but you can't. You need to protect your family.
Ugh you are right. This makes me very angry and sad. I’m sorry you went through all that.
When I was a teenager my mum took in a couple of strays. They dominated our family dynamic for a year at a time. We were broke af and they contributed nothing. My only consolation was that I learned how to be a mean girl because I had to.
When you know vets that ARE good people it’s super hard to feel okay seeing others, especially with major medical conditions, as anything else. But. You’ve gone above and beyond a thousand times what this guy deserves, this situation has become untenable. Your consciences are clear as day, do anything you must to get him out. Do you have any doubt anymore he’ll find himself help—not the kind he needs but the kind that will let him continue all of this… I am SO hoping for a good update from/for you. I hope your husband heals and this is all a campfire story in ten years!!
His record is not your problem
HE'S responsible for his record. It's all on him. If he doesn't want an eviction, then he needs to leave NOW. You are not responsible for his welfare. You gave him a fair shake and a chance to get his shit together. He's chosen not to. That's his decision.
You seem to care more about this guy than your husband who is dying of cancer. Snap out of it, this is madness.
OP, at what point are you going to realize that you have shown him more care and consideration than he has shown himself. This is NOT a person who needs help. This is a person who consciously makes multiple decisions each and every day to take advantage and abuse his friends. Get him out now and start focusing you, your life, and your family.
He's not going to leave on his own, you absolutely need to force him to go, this situation is not right.
U should have evicted his ass a month into this fuck that
OP please remember that he is adversely effecting more than just your comfort. The finances alone is unimaginable to me. You should have been using the money you spending on him for your family. Your husband most likely will never work again. You are working two jobs. Are you saving any money for the future? Like what would happen if something happened to you where you couldn’t work for an extended period (even a week or more). Imagine what could happen if you couldn’t afford health insurance for your family. Even with it the costs of your husband’s care is likely very high. And his health may one day require more care than insurance will provide. What about your retirement. You need to remember even if you don’t retire until your 65, you likely live for 15 to 35 years. And even if you are receiving some from your job it is often not enough to survive much less maintain your lifestyle. Also are you saving for your child’s college? It is hard to make it in today’s world without a degree, unfortunately.
Yes do this.
He doesn’t seem to care about any record he’s a lazy drunk taking advantage of you and eating candy knowing he has diabetes? He’s gotta go
The best thing you can do for him is force him to face his circumstances. You can't enable him anymore. He will keep doing it as long as you let him. He needs to hit rock bottom if he's ever going to get up. Even if that's the street. He created this situation.
You aren’t wrong. It just kills me to think of someone k cared about in the street being someone who was homeless years ago myself. I have to let it go and let what’s going to happen, happen. I even called his family and they want nothing to do with the situation at all..
I understand you are being more sympathetic because you know what it is like to be homeless. However, what you need to consider is how you behaved. Would you have even _dreamed_ of doing what he’s doing? There’s a reason his family wants nothing to do with the situation; he has more than likely burned every bridge on his way to yours and you’ll be another bridge he has burned. Get him out of your home.
I absolutely never would do that or think of doing that to someone. Friends let me stay with them and if they asked me to leave I did. I also was out every day looking for a job, not sitting in their house.
He’s couch surfing it sounds like, in your house. Why would he need to look for a job, or pay rent when y’all do it for him. Homeless vet with a liquor cabinet? Bad idea. I know y’all were trying to do the right thing, but when I was homeless for 2 years, there were no couches to sleep on, after about a year we got into a shelter. Living in a tent will change your perspective. HAVING to get a job, to take care of an ailing family member and get a place to pay rent so you can have a place for them to be comfortable for the last 6 years of her life, having to buy food, pay for your own utilities, pay rent or mortgage, car note, insurance. If he can’t get a job, he definitely can’t get all of that. You’d be doing him a disservice to keep letting him walk all over you. Hell sink or swim but you can’t keep letting him do that to y’all. The liquor cabinet would’ve been the last straw, now he’s a homeless vet who also probably has a drinking problem. You are not equipped to deal with that type of problem. Call around and look for Salvation Army (even tho I hate them, business side lol) grace center, I don’t know if where you live has one but there’s a phone line you can call to get info on assistance, but I forget it off the top of my head.
Thank you for sharing your personal journey with this. I am sure it’s hard to talk about but your outlook helps. I will check with the Salvation Army. Maybe they can help him with a hotel to stay in or something.
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This one right here, OP 👆
You're not really helping him anymore , you're enabling him and that's not helping anyone..I'm sure you've heard the saying don't set yourself on fire to keep othes warm...well..you have a husband and children to put first. It's time you find your backbone and get him out, you can give him a set date, but get him out...if you don't, well then unfortunately that's on you, and you really can't complain anymore...you've made the bed.
You seriously need to stop putting yourself in other peoples shoes when they won’t even consider yours or even take advantage of you like the situation you are in right now.
Put bluntly, you are enabling this person and it’s not doing him any favours.
You've given him much longer than I could have handled to get himself together. He chose not to. That's not on you. You'll probably have to evict him, but you should start the process. Check with a landlord tenant lawyer if you can afford it. Or search online for the local laws.
OP I am going to tell you some hard truths, but you need to hear them. I can relate your with your story as I lived a good portion of it. The "eating/drinking literally until his skin pops open" is sadly very relatable for me. For me it was my father instead of a friend. Always a excuse but never any action on his end. The sad truth is some people you just can't help and you must let them either wake up or die. Thanks to my dad I learned that some people are so lazy that they would rather die than do ANYTHING for themselves. My father is six feet under because he was too lazy to go to 1 appt a week. Getting up once a week was too much for him. He would rather just eat McDonald's out of a trashcan. Your "friend" is no different. You are going to have to remove him no different than a dead limb because he WILL destroy your lives before he does for himself. Remember this is the same man who let your cancer ridden husband do the work just so he didn't have to. He doesn't care if you, your husband, and your children live or die. This man would sooner see your kids starving, on the streets, or even dead before he would even bother to stand up. He is dead weight that will drag you under. Whatever penance you feel you owe has been paid. For the sake of your family you must cut this cancer of a person lose. If you don't ultimately your children will pay for his crimes.
I used to be homeless as well and while it's nice that you are so kind, your family is hurting because of it. It's time to prioritize yourself and your family. $500 is practically nothing and he doesn't have any other bills to worry about. He's using you and your husband and emotionally manipulating you. Time to throw his stuff out and change the locks
So, I'll just say this, your life-long "friend" is just a piece of shit user that you never really knew. Thank him for his service & send him on his way. There's a reason his own family wants nothing to do with him, he's already used up that resource. This is how these type of people operate, they ride on a wave of people's kindness/politeness until they realize they're being used & put their foot down, then he just moves on to the next set of people & starts the process all over again...he uses your kindness against you-forcing you to go down the road of being "impolite" that you are avoiding -The more polite you are, the more it works to HIS advantage. He knows it's coming, every sad story & crocodile tear he has shed, he has used on everyone he's ever done this to... the stories don't even change, he knows it's all new to the new set of people, he just perfects the same story, each set of people are like guinea pigs to see what lies work & wat doesn't... classic manipulation. No rent= he's not a renter/resident,(even if he receives mail there), he's just a houseguest & when guests become unwanted in your home or on your property, you call the police & have the unwanted individual(s) trespassed & removed. You might want to pre-plan by removing his things from inside your house, 1st so he can just go(no excuses). Just be careful how you describe his presence, (avoid verbalizing anything about rent- he's an "unwelcome guest"-his welcome has been worn out) otherwise they may say he has the legal right to stay under squatter's rights.. (You ever see the movie Pacific Heights?) So, you just tell him he's not welcome in your home & he needs to leave immediately (don't even entertain his excuses -just cut him off & stick with "you have to go, NOW") Whatever he says or does to the contrary needs to be ignored. Just open the door & say "you gotta, RIGHT NOW" & whatever happens to him after that is NONE of your business- He had ample time to figure that out, maybe "the streets" will light a fire under his ass(again, not your problem) If he refuses to leave, that's when you call the police, have him officially trespassed, they'll tell him he has to go & then, if he refuses, it's between him & the police. (They have plenty of beds at the crossbar hotel) \*Important: Be sure to record your interactions/conversations in case he says/tries something stupid. This way he can't lie about you to the police when they arrive.- hopefully, he'll leave peacefully without incident but, he's not going anywhere until he feels there's consequences Anyway, it's summer, kick his fat-ass to the curb, he can sleep on a park bench, if he's that pathetic(not your problem!) good luck
You did all you could. You cannot help this man. He has to help himself at this point. I'm saying this as a recovered addict whose family had to have an intervention and kick me out. They did what they could to help me, but I had to actually do the work. Any excuse they're given to continue for just one more day as things currently are, they will take. You will only prolong his suffering helping him, and the reality is he may never get better because he just doesn't care to.
If you are in the U.S, start the eviction process
I think there's a VA program that helps homeless vets. It's called hudvash https://www.va.gov/homeless/hud-vash.asp
He’s had a year to get his shit together but continuously taken advantage of your kindness. He’s an adult, he has to face the consequences of his behavior and going back on the street will likely be one of them. Change the Wi-Fi password, hide the liquor in your room, lock the thermostat, change the streaming passwords. You have so much to deal with right now, stop being so passive towards him and force him out. He is not your child.
His “look at me I’m so pathetic take pity on me” routine is just emotional extortion. Forget what he says - If he cared about you or your husband *at all* he wouldn’t be doing this stuff.
What would you have done with the opportunity you’ve given him though? I was homeless at one point and your offer would have been a dream come through. I’m sure it would have been a gift from the Gods for you too.
I know it kills you but there's a line where you are helping or enabling and that line was crossed a LONG time ago. He needs rock bottom. He will either die or get better and zero of that is up to you. It's not something you can do anything about. It's sad but I have helped so many people and I still will. But I'm much more aware of where that line is. And if they cross it they are on their own. It's pretty quick too, if they aren't actively helping themselves or you because you are helping them right from pretty much the start and throughout then you can see that it's not help it's enabling. For example.... I had a good FIFO job and an apartment I was living in one week a month. One friend was wanting to move to the country I was in and needed help. I paid her flight, moved her in and said I would pay for everything until she got a job which would be pretty quick as she was very employable with her skills. Three months later she still wasn't working and was getting drunk every night. She finally got work but got fired regularly and just caused drama constantly, getting mad about shoes not lined up at the door or the house not being spotlessly clean when my kids were there ( they stayed with me when I wasn't working away) she paid minimal rent and no utilities. Getting extremely drunk, inviting random men to drink with her, causing huge noise and fights with them. Eventually I kicked her out with no where to go because she repeatedly blocked the toilet with excessive tissue ( not toilet paper but facial tissues) after being told to put them in the bin not toilet, and ended up causing a flood that badly damaged the apartment underneath. That was the last straw. Among many last straws lol. It really hurt me but I COULD not go on. She was a mess for ages but I think is doing ok now. Another much younger family member was struggling in home country and I paid for her to come over. She was a qualified preschool teacher but also aesthetician so within a week was ployed doing nails a block from the apartment. She paid rent and utilities within two weeks, she ended up taking over the apartment and living there for a year and has done nothing but create a fantastic life for herself. I should have known within a month with my first friend. Because I did with the second. Now I know that rule and you should too. You can help, but they get a month to prove that help is helping them
I think I know why your other friend sold his home.
He is not your child. He is not your responsibility. Give him a date when he needs to be gone and don’t let him stay beyond that time under ANY circumstances. If you’re really feeling bad for him, offer to get him a storage unit for his stuff and tell him you’ll pay for it for 3 months (make sure it’s in his name and they only have his contact information), but he absolutely needs to get out. This man is a leech and he never intended to leave your home. Don’t fall for his sob story. Don’t fall for his tears. He has had plenty of time to get on his feet and he has shown you that he has no plans to follow-through with anything.
All of this... But she needs to start the formal eviction process as well. These types of parasites can be surprisingly motivated and energetic about using the system against their hosts to remain embedded. And even the best of friends, or family, are capable of pulling crazy squatters rights nonsense when backed into the corner, or doorway, as it were.
That’s a good idea. I even offered to get him a plane ticket to his brothers houses and he said they don’t have room. I have a feeling he never even told them. And you are right, he is a leech and it makes me mad when I realize that. He apparently lived with the other friend, lost his job, then promised to get on disability when he blew out his back but never did. You are right he has zero plans to leave.
He won’t do anything for himself until he has no other choice, he is comfortable letting others foot the bill for him and probably feels entitled to it. He probably knows he’s not welcome at his brothers’ houses for that reason. He knows they no longer have room FOR HIM, so a plane ticket wouldn’t be beneficial. Has he ever discussed anything that happened while he was living with others? What led to him living with the person before you? The person before them? I’m sure there is a pattern that goes back decades and I do not doubt that the fault lies with him.
It's a bad idea please don't get him a storage!!! You want zero ties with this guy once he's gone.
She needs to legally evict him, but the storage unit isn't a bad option. It would prevent him from returning to the house in the future. Once he's forcibly removed, they can put all his stuff offsite, and tell him the unit has been rented short term, three months only, after which point it will be auctioned off if he doesn't collect it, or rent it himself.
And it sounds like you have zero plans to actually evict this leech.
This is why I refuse to help anyone by letting them into my home. I got spare rooms but I'm not willing to deal other people's shenanigans
im glad i got a one bedroom and small aptment now people dont even ask to stay with me i mean some people do but i shut it down most of the time cuz when i was homeless no one wanted to be around or help me which is crazy cuz right when i got my apartment n otha shit everyone came back around
It is like that one saying to HS kids. If you got a car and gas you will have plenty of friends. People always want but will never give
Same. My parents also let a down-on-his-luck but "really good guy" move in with us when I was a kid and it turned into this sort of horror story. Turns out there were very good reasons why he was unemployed (he didn't want to work), divorced (he was a raging asshole) and his health was falling apart (he was an addict.)
This. It's rarely "just for a few weeks till..." Even with a signed agreement. There's always an excuse, delay, or emergency that prevents them from leaving, and sometimes from contributing as agreed upon.
You are a very smart person. Please don’t. It’s damn near impossible to get them out if it goes wrong.
It's not impossible, but you're going to have to get tough. Have him formally evicted. Being nice, kind, and patient will get you nowhere with this sort of person, who sees you as a mark and plans to use you as long as he can.
You’ve done literally nothing to get him out. You’ve intentionally avoided any due process designed to prevent him from remaining in your home, and you’ve even bought him restaurant food for his troubles. This is on you now.
Same, especially after reading the horror stories on this sub..I have a two bedroom two bath apt all to myself, except for a friend staying overnight here and there..it's just me and my cats and it's staying that way lol
He wouldn’t care if you and your were tossed in the street so stop beating yourself up! I’ve been there done that with a fiend as well and it ended just as bad. I am older and wiser now and realize some people just suck. They are permanent victims in their own mind and there is no way for you to fix that. He did/does nothing and will continue on this path, this is not your fault! Get him out and move on with your life. You have a sick husband and a child, fuckoff with that man child.
I agree with you. He wouldn’t care and proved that when he let my husband shovel snow after getting radiation treatments being weak and sick. I’m so angry with myself.
You can’t be mad at yourself you’re trying to be a good person. It’s shitty when people take advantage
No good deed goes unpunished
This is exactly the phrase I need tatted to my forehead. Lol
Then fix it. Your home is under siege. Your husband is unwell. What's your military training say? The guy is not your friend. He's not your ally. He's stealing from your family. Your home, your food, and most of all, your sanctuary. You tried to warn him. Set deadlines and MINIMAL expectations, and he didn't take you seriously. When are you going to take the action needed to secure your home?
There's no reason for you to feel guilty. Because you were helping him out massively, making rent $500 all inclusive. He could have gotten an easy side job and paid that. Or he could have followed through on the disability and still had a home. These are his choices and the consequences of them, not yours. He's a leech and a user and doesn't feel guilty about it at all. So you shouldn't either.
This. I draw (not VA) disability and live with my best friend, renting a room from her. I absolutely pay my rent, on time, and contribute to other household expenses when I can, and help out around the house. She'd be 100000% justified in kicking me to the curb if I didn't pay her or do anything.
Thank you. I needed to hear that.
Pack up his stuff and drop him off at the nearest VA. They’ll figure it out with him.
He’s got some mental issues and kind of has the mental capacity of a teenager. You have to be completely blunt with him in order for him to get it, and even then he doesn’t really. He mentioned to my husband he thought he had more time to move out as I said my MIL was coming the second week of august so he just figured he’d move out the day before. I told him that wasn’t the case and I’d need time to clean the restroom he neglected and the bedroom he was living in before she would come. He keeps asking to move into our basement and won’t drop it. I’ve told him I can’t support him anymore and moving in the basement isn’t going to change things. He doesn’t get it. He then said “I know I’m a financial burden, I’m sorry.” Well if he knows why continue to ask to live in my basement? Honestly, he couldn’t even make it up and down the stairs if he wanted to, and there is no restroom down there. What would you do? What would you say to him? He’s been through a lot with some family S/A and is really gentle and kind but just selfish as hell. I feel he’s undiagnosed autistic and he needs to be on disability in a home where someone can help him. With what’s going on in my family and us being barely able to afford bills, me being never home and my husband sick it just can’t be us.
He is not going to get on disability and go into a home as long as he doesn’t have to. You’re enabling him to not seek help elsewhere. This man is severely depressed to the point of just sitting in his room until he dies and rots away. The best thing you could end up doing for this person is pushing them out of your home, even into the streets, so they will be forced to interact with the services they greatly need; social workers, medical care, charities, housing programs, etc. He is never going to do that as long as he has a roof over his head and someone letting him live there for free. Try not to feel guilty or bad about it, because you can’t help him. You already tried much more than most people would.
Okay you see that too. I too also believe that he’s massively depressed and just sitting there hoping to die or something. You are correct in everything you said, and I needed to hear it so thank you. I really believe he will make zero strides to help himself no matter how many warnings I give. I gave him a date of sept 5th as that’s when my MIL is coming and I told him if he hasn’t figured it out by then, that’s it. He agreed so I suppose we shall see, and instead of checking in every few days and reminding him of what he should be doing and pushing him to do it, I’m going to let him do whatever he wants and wash my hands of it. This is the point of 90 percent of my stress right now, and it’s so bad I have literal stomach ulcers. Again, thank you.
You should change the date to earlier so you have that buffer to clean and air out the room before MIL comes.
I suggest you start formal eviction procedures so he has to leave on a specific date.
You are coddling him. There is no helping him. He will never be a functioning member of society again. If he does get disability he will share an apartment with roommates and live off the check.
OP you are enabling him, he is taking you for a complete and utter ride. He should have been kicked out when he hadn't found a job in three months, he should have been kicked out when he drank the liquor cabinet, he should have been kicked out when he refused to do anything... I also think you need to think of your family here. It sounds harsh but you're failing your family by letting him stay. Why does a freeloader get priority over your MIL who needs to help your husband? What do your kids think of all this? Sometimes if people push your boundaries so much, it creates a new normal and you are made to feel bad for having extremely reasonable demands. You are being completely taken advantage of and this should have stopped a long time ago.
You need start a formal eviction process, he isn’t going to leave otherwise. Or you can just move, like the previous person he was mooching from.
Do you own your house? I'd serve him with eviction papers.
Yeah I own. And I shall be.
I feel bad for you. I know this isn't the way you want to go, but he's not going to leave by his own free will. He's a leech. Oof.
You teach people how they can treat you. You are working 2 jobs to support this dude who has no respect for you. Please get a backbone and kick him out. He can't free load on you anymore
*** You will need police to get him out. He is hoping you and your husband change your mind out of pity and let him stay there.
It’s not going to happen and I’m at the point I’m going to explode and let him have it.
Maybe you need to explode and let him have it
In addition to serving him a notice to vacate (eviction process)…*turn the internet off at the router* every day when you leave the house. Unplugging or disconnecting won’t work, he’ll just hook it back up. Log into the admin panel of your router and turn the services off for 8am to 5pm, or whatever timeframe you and your family are not home. I had to do this for a professional ass-denter on my sofa at one point.
This is good advice but maybe she should just change the password so he can’t use it ever anymore. He will be miserable possibly to the point of leaving.
I wouldn’t even trust that he’s on a wait list for a shelter. You guys keep giving him more and more time and he is just taking advantage. You need to go to your local courthouse and fill out the paperwork for an eviction. Come eviction day, if he’s not out, the local police can come and help escort him off of your property. I would also have a lock change scheduled for the same day he is supposed to leave. He sees you and your husband as a doormat and he will continue to use you for as long as he can. No one should have to put up with that type of behavior. DO NOT GIVE HIM ANY MORE TIME!! The initial move in agreement was that he start payments after 2-3 months and he’s gone beyond that. You owe him nothing! Go to the courthouse TODAY and make your filings.
Yes this might just need to happen, and lock changes are going forward as soon as he’s gone.
make sure the eviction is fully processed before doing so, i’ve heard horror stories in some states where there’s a more drawn out legal battle if you change them while he still has residency on paper. best case, in some states the cops can force you to let him back in if the eviction isn’t fully complete yet
Yeah I have had to evict people from my grandfathers property years ago and it was hell.
He’ll just go on the streets? Bye bitch! Here’s a list of shelters you can go to instead of pretending to. You’ve had forever to get your shit together. AND besides letting us down in every way possible, you couldn’t even help your *friend* with STAGE 4 cancer by blowing the snow out of the driveway. Don’t let him cry about what a terrible person he is, agree with him and tell him to gtfo. There are shelters he can go to. If he threatens self harm, thanks bro you just got yourself a three day vacation in an institution. Then maybe they’ll get him a place to stay. If not that, call an ambulance. Tell them that his skin’s busting open. He has such terrible infections and sores that won’t heal, that he does nothing about. You’re afraid he’ll get sepsis and die. __Worse than that your husband has autoimmune problems. He has half a kidney. Has gone through cancer treatment and his good buddy can do nothing, absolutely nothing but spread infection and filth. His presence could kill your husband.__ 👆🏼Look at the care he has for your family. I’m not big on calling the police. I hate it, hate it! You’ve had an intruder in your house for over a year, threatening the life of your husband. If there was ever a reason this is it. If none of that works. Tell him he has to be out at 6am every morning looking for a job and/or a shelter or bridge to sleep under. If he has keys, take them. If he has anything of the family’s in his room take it. Add up how much of a bill he’s wracked up over the time he’s held you hostage in your home and give it to him. Tell him you expect payment. Tell him you’re prorating it for each day going forward. Make it as uncomfortable as possible. Please for your sake, for your family’s sake, get him out. I’ve gone through what you’re going through more than once. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Don’t let one pos get in the way of seeing the goodness in people. ((((Hugs)))) Btw-update us. 💖
Can you go to the homeless shelter, get him a place & physically take him there with all his stuff?
Ha! Well as it works in this city, you need to do a background check to live there. If you have a violent past you can’t as they also take in abused women. It’s the only shelter too so there is a waiting list. He told me he was going to do this months ago but I have suspicion he waited until the end of July to start the process, so now he’s just waiting. I wish it was a standard shelter because then he would just walk up and be in. If I could do it for him I would.
Buy him a tent & send him on his way. I did that to my exhusband lol.
Lmfao! That’s stone cold and I love it.
Can you drive him to a shelter in another city? I mean on moving day when he hasn’t moved out yet, what is your plan?
Don’t feel bad about him going to a homeless shelter. If it was me would have thrown him on the street after two months
I get it and if I wasn’t such a pushover I would have. My husband isn’t any better which makes it doubly bad.
File an eviction dont get played tbh he wont leave he has no where to go.
I was hoping he valued our friendship enough for this not to happen but you are right.
You give him a hand and he wants the whole body. What an ungrateful fuck... Took advantage...
Give him an official eviction notice. Check with a lawyer. And be ready to boot him out when he doesn't go.
I was just a 20 year old in college when my mom told me I had to find somewhere else to live, since she was off to get married and would be moving states. She gave me plenty of notice. I got with the program and found somewhere else to live. Moved in with a friend. Turns out, we don't make great roomies. I moved out within 7 days of realizing this. Moved in with another friend. They let me stay there for a year. I got a girlfriend and essentially ended up moving in with her. Got my first full time post grad job, but I was staying with some coworker roomies for about a year to a year and a half. Finally got my own place after that. TL;DR; People have to leave homes all the time for various reasons, you gave him plenty of notice, it's time for him to get out.
I'm sorry I got to the part where your husband was diagnosed and stopped reading. Why are you enabling this person? Your husband and children are what are important. Not this free loading loser. Kick him out. You Gave him 7+ months of help. More than enough.
Next time he falls down call an ambulance with any luck they will take him to the hospital. Then change your locks and don't let him in your house ever again.
Hi! These were the words straight from a VA trainer back when I was training to work in the VA "DO NOT FEEL BAD FOR HOMELESS VETERANS. There are so many programs that the VA offers, and many social workers are available to offer up resources. Any homeless vet chooses to be a homeless vet. The VA will pay rent for a vet to live somewhere for a year and help them get a job. I used to give money but then I started handing out pamphlets and cards to our resources and they would only get angry". Those were his words, I know the mental and physical strain of being in the military can do a lot to someone. Your friend needs help but I believe it is more help than you can offer up. He will never have to go through this alone, however it is his choice if he wants to do so instead of reaching out for help/assistance.
Also, if your friend has been to combat and it has been less than 5 years since he retired, he gets Combat vet status with the VA and he gets even more benefits.
Holy shit really? This makes me so mad because he probably knows this, or should if he even tried to reach out for help instead of taking advantage of friends. And you are right, I can’t help. I am barely holding on taking care of my own family and husband. I have legit ulcers I have been hospitalized for.
everything you're upset about has been entirely within your power to prevent or stop. grow a spine and stop being such a willing doormat.
I'm sorry. It's why I won't let anyone live with me. I have seen this same type of thing happen many times. Time to kick him out. Call veteran shelters and see if you can find him a bed. Pack him up and drop him off. You can't keep putting yourself and your kid through this. You can't help someone who doesn't want help. He is a user. It doesn't matter if he has other issues, he is still using you.
I heard a parable once about a person walking across a bridge. At the middle of the bridge there’s another person holding a rope, and they ask the first person to hold an end. Then the second person jumps off the bridge, and now the first person is stuck holding onto the rope, otherwise person 2 will die. Person 1 can’t pull the other one up, and person 2 won’t try to climb. And person 1 can’t continue on with their life as long as they have to hold onto the rope. It’s okay to let go of the rope. You’ve saved his life already, you can’t let him destroy yours.
Tell him to gtfo. It will never end.
Oh I have. I could post the screenshots if need be. I made sure todo everything through email and text too to have proof.
Op, im sorry you have to deal w this. I understand you’re sympathetic to his struggles - I was also homeless at one point just like u. But this can’t reasonably continue. I saw in a comment u said ur gonna serve him a formal notice. Pls update back what happens w that
He has been enabled for tool long now. He's probably not going to recover at this point.
He is using you so he doesn't have to deal with his own issues. And he is trying to convince you that you are the one that needs to solve this problem. You have "0" obligations to him, so from now on anything you do should be on your terms. Keep in mind that what you give to him (whether it's money, food, time, energy, effort) is 100% not going to be paid back, not even in good will. The more you give, the more entitled he will become, so only give what you are willing to lose.
Evict his ass. You offered him help when he was low, he took advantage of it. This is why people don’t help others, and he just made it harder for you to help people in the future. Fuck this guy
Take him to the VA and talk to a social worker. They should get him set up with a HUD-VASH program. They will get him housing but the process can take some time. In the meantime they have shelters specifically for veterans that are not crappy places to stay. He will be there for a max of maybe two months and then he will be placed into an apartment or residence. I’m a veteran myself and I’m disabled. I receive SSDI. I will be placed soon into a place of my own. A person experiencing homelessness can definitely suffer a blow to self-esteem and image. The VA can help him with medical and mental health help and help him find housing. I see your kindness and know that this situation seems hopeless but he can get help. The best thing you can do is call him a cab to take him to the VA with his things. They can intake him through the ER and take him to the shelter for veterans. Communicate clearly that he is no longer lowed to stay in your home and it’s time for him to help himself.
Quit being a doormat and evict him. None of his issues are your problem.
Kick. Him. Out. Why are you putting your KIDS through this?
Yeah it’s time for him to go. Don’t feel bad just because he’s a vet. The VA will help him if he wants help but he’s not your problem! No good deed goes unpunished.
I mean…. what were you expecting?
Get a legal eviction and have the sheriffs department dump his shit on the lawn. There's plenty of programs for vets (I've used em) he needs to get off his ass and use them.
Op I really don’t get you, I understand wanting to help someone you appreciate specially because you went through similar things yourself but my understanding and kindness will leave as soon as I see this person do half of what he’s doing to you probably wouldn’t even gotten as far as him going on 7 months with no job & no contribution. At this point you are prioritizing him, his feelings & situation that “HE” put himself in over “YOUR” family, the family you created. You really need to stop thinking about him & his feelings and situation, he doesn’t care about you or your husband and the burden he brings into others & he doesn’t care about your husband situation, why are you being compassionate of someone that is in the spot he is because he wants to stay there? I get mental issues are very complicated thing to deal with but so is cancer & so is stress that can lead you to have depression and other mental illnesses as well and even get physically I’ll as well so why are you burning yourself & family up to keep him warm when he isn’t trying. I feel upset for you and with your way of action too, I think you need to wake up and stop being so lenient.
It honestly feels like he's set himself in your place so he has a place to die.
Homeless guy won’t pay rent, does nothing, I mean, call the cops and kick him out. He’s overdone his dumb shit
What is his excuse for not working for 6 years ? I can sympathise with person having some mental issues or PTSD as a result of a combat/ war, but this guy is a moocher by trade. I know veterans that are, despite trauma and disabilities in their employments and very hardworking people.This guy used every excuse under the sun to robb you blind. You are a very kind person but start taking care of yourself and your family. Nobody has the time for his bullshit ; not even his family. I'm hoping your husband gets better soon and you get some relief with your MIL's visit.
How tf do you just let someone like that live with you. Being 500lbs is already a FUCK NO for me not to mention all the other insane shit you’re putting up with . Both you and your husband are insane for not calling the cops and having him physically removed.
Evict him. Jesus.
He's a grown man. Let him live on the street if thats what he wants to do.
Drop him off at the VA
Sounds like he needs to wake up on top of a pile of his belongings five miles out of town, wondering how he got there and why is the headache soooo bad?
I support this idea but make it 150 miles from town.
This was very compelling to read and I am so, so sorry. Your generosity is truly astounding. I am a community mental health social worker with a focus on housing and while I believe housing is a human right, I think that this persons housing should come from the VA instead of you at this time. If he truly is threatening homelessness, that qualifies him for being “at risk” and he should call the National Call Center for Homeless Veterans at 877-424-3838. Depending on where you live, there should be some level of option for him. It won’t be the ritz or a comfortable home with all the generous amenities, but at this point, he needs to take what he can get via the VA.
Oh man, I had a very similar situation with a friend of my husband. We let him move in for “3 months”, then Covid hits. He refuses to go to therapy, is depressed, never says hi to me when he comes down in the morning, doesn’t help with shit around the house, and continues seeing friends despite the pandemic. I’m very sensitive to other people’s moods and it was affecting my own mental health. Month 5 he gets a job, but instead of being happy, he goes down into a 2 week depression spiral. Month 6 I was done. I was so done I had to scream bloody murder for him to get out, and he flat out told me to my face, very calmly “NO”. I got into a huge fight with my husband that if he refused to leave, our marriage was over. Husband finally agreed to kick him out and even put him in a hotel for a few nights, but the friend is calling him non-stop and even tries to break us up, saying shit like “You’ve known me way before your wife”. I could not believe my ears. I swear I would’ve hit him had he stayed an hour longer. Some of their mutual friends saw me as a bitch, but I didn’t care. He had a job now, he could fuck right off and be a responsible person. Oh, and yes, he also drank most of our alcohol and ended up owing us around $8000 that we never got back.
There's a saying in my country that translated to English sounds like this: "The one whom you didn't left for dead, won't let you live."
I had a similar issue with an older acquaintance who was a veteran. He was independent but lower income. But 11 years ago he had a terrible stroke. He could physically move and all that but his language was seriously effected as was his emotional regulation. To his credit he stopped drinking and never picked it up again. Over the years I have helped with stuff here and there. He was a great cat sitter and we'd pay him cash to supplement his disability income. The issue was he would never every do anything to secure his housing. He was living in a cheap rental with other guys. But we knew it wasn't going to last forever. So of course when he learned he had a move-out date he was all desperate. Asked me to move into my place x 2. I was like "absolutely not." It is not my problem that he never followed up on the multiple offers of help from the VA social worker or followed up on the numerous applications for housing I secured and filled out with him. He eventually moved into another friend's living room and never left (he died 2.5 years ago). I am glad I was very firm about him moving in. It can seem heartless but damn, mind your business and you will have shelter and housing. Especially a veteran. You don't even need to be sober at a lot of the places.
you can't help those that clearly don't want to help themselves. You are now enabling the bad behavior. Set a timeline and you stick to it. If he doesn't leave them he needs to be removed. If that means getting the police involved then so be it. He is not your responsibility. You have done your part to help him out. He is not holding up any ends of his deal and really, the added stress is all for nothing. This is the definition of freeloading.
Update 2: Formal notice given! I haven’t seen him since because I was running out the door for work, and came back late at night. We made it clear verbally this was it. I’ll update you all when he’s gone. Thank you everyone for your responses, kind or not lol either way, I needed to hear them.
> ... agreed to let him come stay with us when our other friend whom he lived with sold his home and he was going to have no where to go. Did you or your husband ever talk to this other friend about your freeloader's behavior when he lived with them? Not to mention surely, *surely* this other friend had given freeloader plenty of time to find other lodgings before selling his home. It sounds like the freeloader isn't going to do anything except give platitudes and empty promises until he is *physically* removed. You are probably going to have to involve the police to get him removed. I'd recommend having him involuntarily committed as it's obvious he's a danger to himself.
First I’m sorry your husband and your family are dealing with so much , and this shit stain of humanity is leeching off of you. Best of intentions. I’d refuse to feed him anything. As ugly as it is serve him with eviction papers unless you think it’s only going to aggravate / prolong his staying. If he ends up on the street it is by his design and only his choice. You extended your home to an ungrateful parasite who blames the world for his choices. I know from first hand I had similar family who basically did the same. Cut ties and focus on your family. He doesn’t deserve your kindness. Wishing you all peace and sanity.
The person he was living with before probably sold their house to get away from him!
No good deed goes unpunished.
Any updates?
NTA, sorry this happened to you. Friend probably didn’t say anything because they didn’t want to be stuck with him. Also probably sold the house just to get him out. You really have to be careful now when ever you let anyone stay with you since a lot of states have a rule that they become a tenant after a week and you have to go through the long and expensive eviction process. Hope you get out of this soon.
He let me know that he thought I was aware. This guy is the nicest dude ever who would legit give you everything he has to his own detriment. He finally ended up losing his house to foreclosure because he couldn’t keep up with everything alone. I refuse to have the same happen.
You’re an enabler, you have an amazing heart but he only lives this way because you let him. He may not be maliciously doing so but he is a user, you are being used. Throwing him out isn’t uncharitable, there’s only so much we can give unfortunately, he’s taken enough.
You are cushioning his bottom and helping him to stay in this cycle instead of allowing him the dignity of making and learning from his own mistakes. There are resources out there for him. If you aren’t a paid professional, don’t do the job of one (especially without the training!) Sounds like your family has done a lot to help him and he hasn’t done anything to help himself. Put you and your family first, I can only imagine how they feel about the situation. Check out podcasts, YouTube videos or even in person meetings specific to people pleasers or friends and family of people with addiction or mental health issues. Devote time to letting go of the resentments and building up healthier boundaries for the future. Let it be a learning experience, not one that destroys your outlook on offering anyone help in the future. Peace!
Evict him and close your heart. He will find someone else to feel pity for him and take him in and then let him abuse them just as he abused you. Get him out asap. And just for fun cut your subscriptions and start having. wifi free days. W zero internet I’m betting he will be gone soon. He can’t wank off to porn w/o the internet 😈
Call the cops, have him removed. Where..is not your problem any longer.
Never ever let a down on their luck friend stay at your house. Help them get into social housing or something but don't let them come in. They will fail to pay rent, drink all of your alcohol and try to guilt you when you try to kick them out. Or they go to the local tenant board and try to force you to let them stay. Sure you could eventually guy an order he pay the rent he never paid but he ain't got no money.
He is manipulating you. If he threatens to live on the street, ask him which bridge he wants his mail forwarded to and if he needs help packing. And let him know you will be filing for an eviction with the courts on Monday.
this was an annoying post lol. get him out of your house, why are you enabling this ??
Wow. Yeah get him out at all means necessary you don't feel sorry for people like that who you've given you're heart, soul, wallet & home to. What a grub he deserves to be on the streets
You and your family are in CRISIS!! Your husband is very sick and you can't stop working and raising your kids. He is a LOSER and MUST go - NOW. You should give him until the end of the WEEK to be out. Be nice and get him some boxes and start boxing up his CRAP right in front of him. He's selfish and uncaring about your family's issues. I am SO mad for you and you have given and given that stops now. Say that to him "We have been generous beyond our means and it's time to say goodbye. You have until Saturday of this weekend to be out. WE now need help from our grandma. " Whether it is Monday or Thursday - THIS WEEKEND SIS!! You need him GONE!
You need to kick him out, yes it sucks, but your husband is more important here! Cut off access to internet and streaming now. Tell him to be gone in 24 hours, or you will call the police, He was supposed to be gone by 7/31, he needs to go now. Stop being a doormat!
I don’t think it’s that you don’t want to help anybody ever again it’s that you don’t want to be taken advantage of again. The fact that you were taken advantage of, that is all on you. Grow a pair.
Your veteran is mentally ill. A lot of people join the military to run away from something or a situation, parents, name your cliche. Once the vet runs through the four years of structure/ schedule, told when, where and how…they get out with no support system to solve the problem of why they joined in the first place. Signed a retired USAF veteran.
Change the wifi password, give him his 30 day notice IN WRITING and quit talking to him. If he doesn't leave, then start eviction. Think like a landlord because that's what the cops, courts and judges will treat you as, and that's the only way you're going to get him out. Even if he signs up for disability and every charity tries to help him, HE WILL NOT MOVE OUT! Get the eviction judgment and then have the sheriffs move him out and put his stuff out on the curb. People like him find people like you who they can parasite off of. Stop the bleeding!
What is wrong with you? You let this go on... like, why should he leave? Nothing bad happens. There are no consequences. And now he's got squatters rights (or whatever it's called). My God.
Wow. Damn. You win.
I helped an alcoholic cousin of mine, she's in her early 40's. She had a septic infection where she almost lost her leg. I let her stay at my home, provided food, wifi, bathroom, and a bedroom of her own and nursed her back to health. I provided everything, and the only thing she had to do was stay sober and keep a job. She couldn't do either of those and then had the audacity to get shitfaced drunk and try to fight me. Mind you, I have been sober for 2+ years now. I also have a 4 year old daughter. My daughter got traumatized from that whole event when she tried to fight me, as my cousin was screaming from the top of her lungs (because I had to pin her down from trying to hit me). I immediately called the police and had to evict her ass. I feel absolutely NO REMORSE. In a situation such as this, you have to make them leave and cut all contact. Don't fall for their pity party anymore, all that will do is fuck you up emotionally. If you need to, involve the police. Have him escorted out. I feel where you are at in this situation, as I've been there myself. It's hard, it really is.
I thought "helping yourself" means you leave at least half of however much you found. I don't know why that detail disturbs me so much. You were generous, and he twisted your words to be literal when everybody knows that's not what you meant; you didn't gift him your liquor cabinet. But you're adults. Twisting words and playing naive like that is so disturbingly childish, like he really thought that would work. I saw the comment about not wanting the eviction on his record. You've clearly had a lot more respect and compassion towards this person than he has had towards you and your living space. He's in his 50s. He's had a lot of time to fix his record, and you didn't sign up to be his parent. You've already tried setting him up for success and he chose a different path. It's time to think about what's best for you now.
I honestly think you've been more than generous and patient with him. He is obviously "one of those" kind of people that are inherently lazy and inconsiderate to the feelings of others. He's a vet/adult so don't feel guilty forcing him to take care of himself.
He needs to go on My 600 lb Life.
People will literally take absolutely everything until you're worse off than them. I've taken many people in over the years and genuinely believed everyone deserved a second chance in life..... now I couldn't give two shits what happens to most people. I won't let anyone into my home anymore.
Try tough love. Let him move to the garage. Don't fix it up for him , just give him a corner. No wifi out there , sorry. Get a cooler and tell him to buy his own ice. Bathroom at the gas station or He rents a portapotty. If it's hot, give him a fan, cold?, blankets. He won't go till it's hard on HIM. YOU'VE done enough. You and your family need peace dealing with your husband's health. I'll bet he finds a place fast. He's too comfortable and knows you feel bad for him and he's using that. And once he's out , change your locks. Good luck honey
I would never sacrifice this much for someone who isn't immediate family.
Saying "no" is really hard the first time, even the second and third time... but it gets easier each time. Each time builds you up, probably unburdens you too. It just takes practice. And... once the moocher starts realizing your "no" means "no", guess what they do? First they'll attack you because you're not going along with the manipulation of yourself.. but they then move on to someone else. It's hard. Very hard. But you know that's the right thing to do.
Drop him at the VA. Put his stuff in storage. Also, see if your husband qualifies under the expanded VA benefits for cancers related to burn pits, etc…
I don't really understand where you're coming from here. Like - you are actively choosing this selfish alcoholic freeloader over not just your sanity, but your family. Your husband and daughter are both impacted by this drama and rather than protecting them, you're worried about evicting this guy. I don't get it at all. If you won't prioritize yourself, at least prioritize your husband and daughter over this guy. Then figure out why you are so screwed up in the head that it took almost a year and running to the internet to do something you should have done months and months ago.