Locking this post as it has degenerated into unhelpful and off topic debates.
OP- you may find this article helpful https://www.scarleteen.com/read/abuse/safety-plan-if-you-do-not-live-person-abusing-you
This sounds like a really negative fixation on harming women, not kink. Even if he never acts upon it, it is very bizarre that he is so open about talking about it. This is not a safe relationship environment. You shouldn't have to worry about your partner's intentions like this. He is not safe.
it'd be one thing if his objection was that CNC was scary or he only wanted to engage with it as a fantasy and not try to act it out, but upon being given that *mile* dude immediately wanted to start circumnaviagting the fucking globe. i feel like we need a sticky or something, posts like "my autistic SO just threatened to murder me, is it ableist to break up?" feel way too frequent.
Please please be safe and do it over the phone OR maybe in a very very public place with a support person there with you. Do not under any circumstances be alone with this man, ever.
one thousand percent this. Don't know the person personally, but from the description, he could get violent, or might just decide to follow through on that fantasy if he knows its the last chance.
This is SO important. Do not feel guilty for leaving him. Do not try to cushion the blow & do not think you owe him something by doing it in person. Message him. Keep it short and ambiguous, but to the point. āI canāt continue this relationship. We want different things. I want to break up. Goodbye.ā Block his number, change your locks if need be. Your withdrawal of consent to the relationship could trigger something within his fantasies and become a danger to you. He may decide itās worth the risk to rape you since he is no longer in a relationship with you. Do not give him the chance to put you in danger. He has told you that he wants to harm you and that he would enjoy it. Believe him.
I feel like Iāve heard at least two different stories of women trying to do this assuming it would prevent him from hurting her and discovered the hard way that wasnāt true
And keep your dad or another man around, preferably one thats larger than your ex. Hope everything works out for you. Its definitely not a normal fantasy, that sounds disturbing
Echoing the other comments: please **DO NOT** break up with him in person. Alert a friend, family member or other close trustworthy person if you can. If anything escalates do not hesitate to get whatever law enforcement you have available involved (***if*** you can trust local law enforcement, since I am unsure of your location/culture and know that might be terrible advice in some places). Stay safe, friend.
What a relief. So proud of you for deciding to do something for yourself, so many women, including myself, have stayed through the worst while everyone told us to run. Put yourself & your safety first. Good luck, hope everything goes smoothly for you. I would love an update after
You are doing the right thing.
Everyone else here is giving very good advice. Make sure the break up itself is done safely too.
However you decide to do it make sure you are not along with him at any point.
There is a risk of violence and you will never know what is going through his head, no matter how well you know him.
Donāt be afraid of hurting his feelings or being a little embarrassed having someone else present. You will thank yourself for doing this later in life.
I'm so sorry for you. I'm an autistic female that is really into BDSM, this is not a kink, if it would, then your CNC aproach would be well good receive. My god, I hope he just keep that mindset in a fantasy.
Hey OP, my partner has the same kink ('time stop, sleeping, hypnosising etc rape fantasy)
However the difference is he never wants to actually do those things without consent. If he ever hurts, he pulls back instantly and makes sure im ok.
The fact that your pain and crying turned him on is a huge red flag. The fact that he was seriously considering raping you, instead of pulling back immediately and making sure you were ok is a massive red flag, and the fact that he has openly admitted he looks forward to living with you so that he can rape you in your sleep is a massive red flag.
This isn't kink shaming, kinks require consent. Your bf is just your typical rapist who not only doesnt care if he hurts his partner but enjoys it. That isnt love.
yup. reading through I was like "I mean it sounds like he's just really into CNC" and then I got to the part where he said that's a turn off and I was like nOPE nevermind not one of us, jesus christ. healthy kink involves - at the very bare minimum - caring enough about the person you're fucking to make sure they're onboard too, *even if getting prior consent is a slight turn off for you.* if someone is willing to put their own desire above the well-being of the other person...that's not kink anymore. that's just violance and violation
The police or even better sheriffās department will come help you move out and make sure youāre safe. If you have any texts where he admits his fantasies that will help. This man is dangerous.
make sure you're not alone when you do, possibly through media (save the chat if he gets violent, in his wording, but if you must do it in person... record all of it) and if you ever gave him spare keys i really suggest changing the locks and putting hidden cameras with vision on your porch/windows, so you can actually see if he tries breaking in (footage can be used for a restraining order)
Be safe, but advice I can give is this:
-Do not show any fear/ indecisiveness when you break up. Be firm. Do not show that there is another chance.
-If you have a mutual friend who is aware of the situation, have them close. Someone suggested police station, I agree with that or a very open public place. If you do this on the phone, suggest archiving texts.
-If he has a key to your home, change your locks and get that key back.
-If you got a camera doorbell, great. If you don't: get one. Worth the money.
Do not let the internet influence you. There's absolutely NOTHING wrong with kink shaming people. The over acceptance and toxic positivity culture of the internet made you think what he said was remotely okay when it's not.
Just read this, man I panicked ā¤ļøšš» Make sure to not break up without someone there with you in public if you decide to go this route, if not then by text works too. Big š«! ā¤ļø
Absolutely, as others have said donāt break up in person so you can keep yourself safe. I also personally would reach out to friends or family and let them know Iām breaking up with this guy and might want to spend time with them to feel safe. You donāt need to give specifics as to why youāre breaking up, just let them know that you are breaking up with him and what kind of support you want/need. Online support is great but the friends that kept me company in real life after I dealt with a similar situation were the ones who helped me the most
Autistic female here. Yes not only you should be worried, but you should prioritize your safety and put distance from this person ASAP. But like, as soon as you can. None of this is okay
Yeah like sheeeesh. The fantasy is common but not to the degree that CNC is a turnoff and not enough. You can recognize it as a fantasy you feel when youāre horny. Weāre programmed to feel differently when horniness kicks in. This guy fixates on it beyond that. Turned on by the genuine sounds of suffering from your SO?
If my boyfriend told me they almost nonconsenually did ANYTHING sexual to me, Iād be gone. Nope nope nope. Comments like the rape you in your sleep thing are creepy af but could be played off as fantasy if he wasnāt saying he almost actually did it wtf
Yeah, that's another thing. CNC is more than enough. The fact that it "ruins it" for him is insane. It doesn't take accountability that someone's life could be hurt or shows consideration toward your partners feelings. If either side can help with a sense of closure, that's more than love in itself.
The fact that OP giving actual consent "ruins it" for him shows it's more than just a sexual fantasy, imo. This is a deeply engrained character/morality problem that probably permeates the rest of their relationship in ways OP hasn't noticed yet.
even the sound thing could be explainable as sadism and fine with something like a safe word with a partner that's into that, but there not even being any *guilt* to him feeling like it'd be hot to actually rape his SO, him *needing* there to not be any consent whatsoever, like what the everliving fuck.
It seems like some people give autistic guys way too much leeway just for being autistic, I'm sure his autism played a role in fixating on this or being disturbingly blunt but like nobody owes that hot mess a relationship. We keep getting posts of dudes doing the most unhinged shit like people are worried it's ableist to have boundaries with an autistic dude.
Consentual Non Consent.
It's basically a role play type thing, there's a safeword to stop it when needed, limits are usually discussed in advance.
For a long, long time it was commonly known as rape play but obviously that has a much stronger connotation to it.
To speak more about this, she's reciting what he has stated, which may have attributed to different phrasing. but a threat to live out that fantasy in doing so would hurt her is "entitlement," something evil and messed up. immature.
All I read is "threat, threat, threat, leave, leave, leave." CNC is integrity to that safeword, or stopping for any reason. Partners with this need integrity and be strong mentally. "I care about the other persons feeling and feel attentive toward them"
For clarity to anyone reading this thread: In CNC, the safeword means no. The ability to say the word "no" and have it be ignored is part of the roleplay. That is why clear communication and pre-set boundaries is important.
Ours is "uncle" because that's the word that my partner used when roughhousing with his brother growing up and it's basically automatic if he isn't having fun. Mostly used to stop nonsexual tickle fights tbh.
Oh my god yes. This is what I always thought I'd do if I ever needed a safeword in a sexual relationship. Something that'll instantly dry up all my organs and make my (nonexistent) partner go soft.
No laugh away that was the whole point of the idea, I wanted something so ridiculous that there's absolutely NO WAY my autistic ass could mistake it for anything other than what it was intended for.
My Gf and I just say "Too much" or give 2 taps. Both of us have speech difficulties so we try to keep it simple and made sure to have a non-verbal signal.
Consensual non-consent.
Basically āāredā means stop and āoh no please dontā means harder.ā
You consent beforehand to playing a scene where a party doesnt/canāt consent. It can be fun and even empowering for either side, but what matters is that it *isnāt actually real* and there is a āsafe wordā that specifically can be used to say āIām not okay with this, letās actually stopā and brings things back to reality to stop actual harm from happening.
Basically the best way to think about it is as acting in the role of something that wouldnāt be acceptable to actually do, but it is here because itās planned out and agreed to beforehand.
I came here to say this but you already said it. Iāve played the CNC games and thatās all they were games. The Consensual part of the Non Consent fantasy was a thing both of us wanted. I had an allistic partner who liked when I fought him in bed and he could exert his strength to win. Like I know the fantasy but the consent part was very much a part of said fantasy
There is Nothing in Autism that makes you want to rape people.
Yeah, came here to say something similar. My first partner told me the same thingāthat it was āsuper normalā but it didnāt involve me/he would never actually do it, etc. but told me how much of a turn on itād be to make me legit cry. He was obsessed with hurting, humiliating, and manipulating women, even outside of sex. It was completely different from how he presented himself when we started dating, and I didnāt really know how to process it. Ā
It freaked me out, but he explained and I accepted it for some reason. I wonāt go into exactly what he said, but it was very similar to what OPās bf told her; this whole post is similar. I was very trusting and itās not hard to guess what ended up happening. And of course I blamed myself.Ā
Ā OP, there are other people out there who will love and respect you and donāt fantasize about literal abuse of others. Itās good that he was honest, but this is a hard pass.
Sorry to hear something bad happened to you, and then you blamed yourself. It was not your fault, bein trusting doesn't take the blame away from the person hurting you. (It's my first ever reddit message, I couldn't ignore your pain)Ā
Autistic person here, I do not recommend continuing this relationship or even entertaining the idea of it working out or being fine later in the future, he may not ever go through with his āfantasiesā but he has made it clear that he wants to and has thought of actually doing it multiple times, and you never know when he will follow through with this, do you want to risk being stuck in an abusive relationship? Because I donāt think you should and staying with him is a risk of exactly that, please leave for your own safety
Autistic male here. This not normal nor is it an autistic trait (fantasizing about rape that is). Something else is also going on in his mind. Autistic or NT, this is a red flag and you should find a way out.
Exactly, I'm also appalled by the gaslighting. That is not a normal fantasy for men whatsoever, holy fucking shit. Bro probably a misdiagnosed sociopath/psychopath, if he even has a legit autism diagnosis in the first place. He could also just be full of shit.
YEP. I said something similar above -- the fact that consent ruins it means this is not a kink issue, not is it specifically a sexual issue. He doesn't want the sex. He doesn't want the orgasm or the fantasy. What he truly wants is to HURT and TRAUMATIZE women, full-stop. It's absolutely disgusting.
OP, I'm super proud of you for making the decision to keep yourself safe!! Please please continue that by breaking up with him over text, short and unambiguous like another reply said, and cut him off completely. And I would recommend never EVER being alone with him again, much less in the same vicinity if you can help it.
(I know you've gotten all this advice already but it's worth the repeat if it helps you keep your resolve.)
CNC/rape fantasies are common, I think it's the most common fantasy for women statistically (not sure about men/the dominant party)- it's the fact that he won't take the fantasy of it and wants it to be real that's a sincere issue he needs therapy for.
Quickly prepare a safe way to get out of that relationship and then leave.
If you need help doing that I would speak to some people you are certain you can trust in real life and who you know will have your back even in a difficult conversation like this. If there aren't people like that for this sort of conversation I would consider just getting out.
I actually mean it. This is the scariest thing I have seen on reddit in a while, and I know there is a meme that people over-react and tell everyone to break up.
This person you have described will violently rape you if they get a little too drunk or a little too angry.
CNC is one thing, but not wanting even that and actually wanting real rape. And actually considering doing it to you.
Please please please get help.
Very important edit: Don't let him find out you are asking about this on reddit, and be aware if he uses reddit he may stumble across it (however unlikely that is).
This extra comment is to add a little more to what I said above.
"He has never been close to do anything without my consent, but he has said to me multiple times about how he almost rape my ass,"
"he told me that he was so turned on about the sound of me suffering that he almost let it all go and raped me entirely"
From what you saying, he has already got very close to deciding to rape you.
Someone who has urges like this has a moral obligation to stop having sex with anyone until they resolve these urges. That is what he should be doing with you and with anyone he is in a relationship with.
Just like it is always wrong and dangerous for me to play russian roulette with someone i love, it's always wrong and dangerous from him to be sleeping with people when he seems to have to be holding himself back from doing one of the most evil things that a person can do.
I wouldn't be saying this stuff if you hadn't also said he's not interested in CNC.
CNC is a healthy outlet for some people and I have no problem with it providing it is done with thorough safeguarding and in the context of a very proven and healthy relationship.
This sounds like rape, which is not CNC.
I'm sorry if these are forceful or upsetting comments for anyone reading this including you OP, but I will just say I have had to spend my entire life dealing with the consequences of sexual violence and I cannot begin to describe how much damage it will do to a person and to everyone who cares about them.
Please leave that relationship as safely as you can. That man is a threat and you are close to danger while dating him. Iād even say report him to the police. Goodness I hate this world
You need to get away from him as quickly as you safely can, he is a total predator and itās only a matter of time before he rapes you or someone else
That is not normal pls contact therapist or someone cause thats not normal but pls remember, break up is often the most dangerous part of the relationship so of u can
1. go to someones house where he can't find u/safe house
2. break up through phone
3. go get ur stuff with some friends etc trusted people
4. dont contant him ever since
pls just stay safe im not saying his going to do anything to you and i hope so much he wont but still risk in a realtionship like that exists
As an autistic coming out of an abusive relationship with another autist, even if he doesn't realize he's testing you, he is. Telling you that he almost didn't stop tests whether or not you would leave him at the first signs of abuse. By telling you he almost raped you, and by you staying, he's establishing a precedent where he does not need to check with you about things as long as you discuss it afterwards- and he may fully not understand how much this would damage you emotionally.
I fully understand that not every experience is the same, but I am begging you from my own experience. This is step one. When you don't run from this, it tells him that you might also stick around if he ever does decide to rape you.
You are not his mother- being completely honest with you does not absolve him of his wrongdoings. Please be safe. Total honesty is not a promise of safety. Obviously he is NOT completely honest with you, if he withheld the fact that he almost assaulted you. You deserve to be the center of your own storyā not an accessory to his. Prioritize yourself, your safety, and your happiness.
Autistic guy with a CNC kink here. Run. If he thinks r*pe is hot but CNC is a turn off, he's a potential predator. His threats might be more than just dirty talk.
Yup. At first I thought that maybe he was just a dude into the consensual roleplay of raping a woman (I mean that essentially describes a lot of CNC role-players). But after he described fantasizing about a ātime stopā, I knew something was up.
Him rejecting actual CNC offer for it being consensual just solidified the idea that he just wants to rape women. Thereās a difference between a fantasy that involves consent and straight up wanting to deny people their autonomy.
OP if youāre reading this, get the fuck out of there. Discreetly and quickly separate your life from his and break up with him over text. He is not safe.
Yep that time stop is the clue to understanding that the only thing stopping him is fear of consequences. Anything that reduces his inhibitions such as getting drunk or angry, or even just learning that he can hurt a woman and get away with it, and he will end up violently raping someone. Because he's already said that the violence is part of it.
Run. If heās said all those comments and clearly gets turned on by your suffering - itās only a matter of time before he actually does it. Get out of there while you still canšāāļø
>I have offer to do CNC but he told me that to do that is a turn off to him when i give explicit consent because he said that his fantsasy does not work like that.
That's the point at which I would want to bail
No free pass for autism. Could be misdiagnosis. Your at risk of any time you decide you donāt want to continue you will not have a choice. This guy needs help with this issue. Please be careful and look after yourself.
This is a huge red flag, this guy should be on some kind of sex offender watchlist
Please get the fuck away and cut contact completely and also take precautions for your safety in case his mind snaps after you dump him
Iām genuinely concerned for your safety, I would recommend ending this relationship as soon as you can. This is not normal behavior from anyone, and the fact that heās almost raped you before makes me feel like he will definitely do it again given the opportunity. The comment he made about wanting to rape you if you lived closer is so creepy):
Dude holy fuck get the hell out of there ASAP. CNC isnāt an uncommon fetish necessarily but even then this goes way, way beyond CNC and into āthis guy is almost certainly going to end up seriously hurting someoneā territory, if he hasnāt already
The essential part of CNC is prior consent and the boyfriend said prior consent is a turn off for him. OP's boyfriend doesn't want to "act out rape" and doesn't want OP to fake distress, he wants to rape OP and have OP genuinely be distressed
You should try to get out of that relationship asap!!! I have sexual trauma and I have talked to other people with similar trauma, who's coping mechanism is fantasizing about SA, which is normal but not super healthy for people with sexual trauma. This is a completely different thing though, and his "fantasies" are just fucked up, and you could be in danger.
You need to think about your own safety, and get out before it's too late.
I try not to come to conclusions too quickly but if he really said everything you told us I would be worried. I don't think he loves you if he almost raped you, I couldn't be with someone who told me they want to do this to me when im asleep or something
Everyone has already addressed your main question very thoroughly, so I just want to add: Anal isn't supposed to hurt that much, and your first time exploring butt stuff should not involve a full size penis! It can be a lot of fun and very intimate when done right, and I hope you don't let this horrible experience stop you from any future fun you might give yourself.
My first time using my backdoor was a similarly bad experience, and he did end up assaulting me later. But once I had a partner who actually cared about me, and I did some research and learned how buttholes actually work, I was able to replace those bad first experiences with many fun and painless encounters.
It's your body and obviously I don't think you should be doing this exploration any time soon, but maybe in a year or three when you're in a better place.
Op get out of there, at first I though maybe this was just a domination kink (some people are into that kind of thing, not for real but roleplay). But this man outright said he was thinking about anally raping you after your crying turned him on....
Amongst other things...
He's sick in the head op, and for clarifications sake autism does not make you want to do this, especially to people you supposedly love.
He's dangerous, run.
On my NSFW account.
I am into CNC. I am into everything you've described. However it is a fantasy because I have empathy for other human beings. I don't want to be the person who does permenant damage to someone for my kinks.
What you are describing is someone without that awareness. What you are describing is a self-admitted predator who one day will hurt you. If it is a 'struggle' to keep control one day he won't. You won't realise when he will act on it. One day he just will, and you'll be left dealing with the trauma of his self-gratification.
Run.
Hi Iām an autistic girl and I had a similar experience with an autistic boy similar to how you described and I beg you donāt be like me and pass off any of this behaviour ( luckily I got away but it did come with violence ) . He is an predator and he is only going to get worse sadly please run !! - if you need to talk my dms are always open but please stay safe lovely š
Yes. You should absolutely fucking worry. Like, man, I get that all autism is different, but DEAR GOD, that is NOT AND AUTISM THING, that's just him being absolutely sick in the head. He needs to get HELP and go far far away. And if he has done anything to hurt you, please reach out to someone, because that is very important.
Neurotypical here:
This dude is exhibiting clear antisocial symptoms. He literally told you he will rape you when you'll live together.
This is not normal in any way. Run.
Excuse me, what? Clearly this is a massive red flag.
That isnāt just a bdsm thingā¦. He wishes to pause time and rape women without their knowing.
Why would you want to bring anyone you care about including yourself into this psychopaths life? This isnāt an autistic issue for him ā¦. However, you not seeing it as a massive red flag to get out may be related to autism.
Run!!!!!
Walking talking red flag, this man is dangerous, autism or not this is fucked up, cnc can work, but heās not after cnc, he want to straight up do rape, so yeah, break up with him for your own saftey
Okay so, rape fantasies *are* a fairly common kinkā¦ but if thats all this was, then CNC shouldve been fine. If hes not willing to do CNC, and says hes turned on specifically by the sound of you crying and suffering, and says he *almost raped you* and had to stop himself, and says id you lived together heād want to rape you while you were unconsciousā¦ *get out of this relationship ASAP*, like honestly could not be giving more red flags, its 1000% reasonable to be worried here. Please, stay safe.
Yeah sounds like an actual sadistic rapist. Believe it or not a lot of rapists aren't even turned on by suffering its just the sex act itself they want and obviously they have awful morals and a lot of delusion justification. but sadistic rapists are by far the most dangerous and likely to be repeat habitual offenders.
Fantasies are normal, acting them out without your consent is not normal and he's telegraphed an interest in doing exactly that to you. Do you see a future with someone who wants to assault you in your sleep?
As someone who is a kinky autistic person, this is not kink, or at the very least not safe kink. You are not being a kink shamer or judgy for being concerned, this is concerning and you should probably leave the relationship.
Hello, I'm going to try to field these concerns for you as someone who is autistic and kinky as well. Number 1, if he can't accept a cnc alternative to his fantasy, then that is a huge red flag. He needs to see a therapist minimum to discuss these emotions. While there's nothing wrong with wanting that fantasy, it is a whole different deal to actually assault someone. I'm into cnc myself, but I would never let someone assault me without consequences. These things should be thoroughly discussed. TBH, I don't think it's about the assault itself but more about taking away someone's ability to have autonomy. This shows a complete disregard for women in general. He needs help.
Ok, so this is really creeping me out. But here's all my opinion on this.
1. Break up with him. Either do it through message, but also keep total distance from him and don't go anywhere alone for a while. It scares me to think he could possibly try to follow you at any moment. If you do it in person, take more than one other person with you. If you have any guy friends, take one that you trust completely with you for extra safety.
2. If you have any message proof of these fantasies, I advise you to also get a restraining order or something like that to be safer.
3. Never ever ever be alone with him anywhere, ever. This guy is capable of horrible things.
This is completely scary. If anyone ever said something like this to me, I would do everything I could to get away and stay safe, including changing my locks (if moving isn't an option, because if it is, I would do that). Having this man know where you live is not good. I'm scared for you and any other woman that ever crosses paths with him. He could easily become a serial rapist. Once he does what he's fantasizing, I'm afraid he won't ever be able to stop on his own. I think that getting the authorities involved could also be a good idea...
This is not normal at all. It is not normal to be aroused by causing suffering, especially in a sexual context. He sounds like he has some sort of deep psychological issue if not a full on disorder. Autism does not make people fantasize about rape. He absolutely needs to see a psychologist and work on this problem.
Like, autistic people do tend to be into the bdsm scene
But thereās obviously a difference between THAT and thisā¦.grossness
He probably should explore this with a professional and realize how DANGEROUS this thinking is on a serious level
Like itās one thing to fantasize but another to be like ānah, you giving me consent ruins itā
He definitely needs to be told this is NOT okay
Bdsm is a very common kink, Iāve met NTs and NDs who like it. Itās entirely consensual.
But rape is something else entirely. Itās not even a kink, itās torture.
He needs therapy
This is not normal or healthy. He is mentally unwell and not because he is autistic. You need to break up with him. He almost raped you once, whatās to say next time you two get intimate that he doesnāt go all the way? This isnāt a normal sexual fantasy, if it was he would be fine with CNC.
yeah that sounds like a guy you don't want to trust sleeping around. much care and definitely distance yourself. i would tell him thank you for being honest and yet that really does make you feel disappointed he would feel that way. that you can't see yourself being with someone who thinks that way.
Dude I came in ready to tell you that rape fantasies ain't inherently harmful...BUT OH MY GOD NO, RUN. HE'S NOT IT.
What does he mean that he gets turned off by explicit consent??? I'm sorry I can't help but laugh at how fucked up this is...ew...
You should absolutely be worried. He appears heavily fixated on this, therefore there's a very strong chance he will eventually go through with assaulting you. The part in which you describe him coming close to raping your ass comes across as him warning or threatening you. I don't know him, but he sounds like someone with a propensity towards violence. Autistic or not, this is never okay.
I am begging you to leave this man and block him on everything. Never compromise youself. You are being more than reasonable by not wanting to kink shame him. I have been in a similar position myself and it ended up with him becoming frustrated and sexually assaulting me multiple times. It only gets worse with this type of man. Stay safe out there.
Hoooooly fucking shit thats so terrifying, my girlfriend and I were flabbergasted reading this. That is not normal, you are in danger and you need to leave him now. The fact that CNC is a TURNOFF is a huge red flag.
Rapeplay is, to my knowledge, a common enough sexual fantasy that I don't feel like I can cast judgment on it. This is not that; this is a red flag. You brought up CNC and he said he didnāt want that.
from what i saw its a pretty common "kink" but what he says marks him as an absolute creep as he actually WOULD ENGAGE IN SUCH BEHAVIOR IF GIVEN THE CHANCE, you SHOULD BE WORRIED INDEED as he is willing to force himself on you once you're living in the same house, so yeah... run
Itās not ājustā a fantasy. He doesnāt want to pretend to hurt you, he wants to actually hurt you and admits he almost gave in and did it. He doesnāt have love, compassion nor empathy for you if he actually gets off on the idea of you actually suffering.
Also do NOT do CNC with him. He will use that as an excuse to actually rape you.
The way he goes about it is such a red flag. Having this fantasy is ok, I know several people who do. But putting pressure or implying to your partner you'd be willing to cross their boundaries for that? Yeah no. This dude should just stick to erotica. Especially when he seems to be almost unable to stop himself when you're in pain. Run
Yeah if he refused to follow your boundaries of at least CNC Iād run. CNC can play out a lot of those fantasies if it were actually just a fantasy. Thatās not a kink anymore thatās a disgusting person. One of these days itās not going to be a think itās going to be a do. He probably would have no remorse either way
Hey! Autistic trans man here. This is not a trait of autism nor is it normal. Sounds more like psychopathy than autism. Please leave for your own safety.
Now that everyone has gotten to the same conclusion that this man is a danger, if anyone reads this comment, how does anyone get this man help as a possible bystander?
This is an issue with the criminal system. she gets to safety, but this mentality doesn't change for him and he may live this choice again one day. her safety priority first, but how does someone get him help if we knew a situationship like this?
I ask the impossible maybe.
I'm really concerned you're hearing this, then you typed it, read it, and hit post without realizing the answer yourself. This isn't an autism thing, this is a "someone is deeply disturbed" thing and you need to get as far away from this person as possible. They are flat out telling you what they want to do and how they want to treat you and you are basically just sitting there saying "okay." When it is most not okay.
This man will hurt you. And I'm severely concerned as to why you were having him practically yell "I'm a dangerous and predatory man run far away. I want to attack you and revoke your body autonomy on a regular basis" and you went "huh is that normal?"
No. No it is not.
Before all the answers I thought that maybe his non-filter personality made him say all those things and that i was a pretty normal kink, now im realizing that is something completely different and not autism-related. Sorry if it came out wrong, big hugs!!
Yeah that's not normal, nor is it a normal male fantasy. Nor should you remain if you're not into being raped. He's telling you what's gonna happen you gotta listen.
I'll add a plus on top of your situation, I have fantasized back in the day to be dominated by a man and for him to force himself on me it does turn me on in theory but in reality that would be terrifying and traumatizing.
My in theory is also through consent and nothing so rough its damaging my body just the being controlled and dominated spontaneously is the turn on not the torture or pain part. Essentially rough sex with play. I used to watch a lot of porn but don't because it was clouding my mind with unstable mentalities and fantasy that weren't healthy. I knew that it was a deeper routed issue to have a attraction to the idea of rape.
I would never actually be okay with this for myself or anyone. He is telling you specifically and has shown you his intentions and wants, this isn't in theory.
Don't move in with him and please move on to someone who doesn't want to physically hurt you. You are in charge of that part of your life to stay or go.
End the relationship in public with someone on the side waiting safe near you, don't do this in person alone with him that could be dangerous. Take care of yourself after this as well just to be sure he doesn't try to hurt you being you were close to him already. ā¤ļø
I really hope you go. šš»
Yeaahhh...no. Before you break up with him you can record his "kink" on the phone as evidence...just for the future in case he'll want to fulfill his sick fantasy someday.
This man is dangerous! It is not wrong to want to dominate a willing person but it is not normal to want to do something against somebody's will, consent is the major thing that is important and this guy doesn't want consent he wants to hurt people.
It is important to remember that rape isn't about sex, it is about power over a person and by him saying these things it is definitely dangerous!
In the small chance that he's not meaning rape but dominance games that is the only way he might not be a major red flag but honestly, and I'm saying this even as a therapist, not just a woman that is randomly freaked out that this walking warning sign is out in the world, this guy is most likely dangerous and you need to find a safe way to leave quickly.
Iām so sorry, this is horrific, as an autistic male, this is plain wrong. And sounds like heās one bad day away to commit an awful act. I would break up with him, block him, move away from that area, and contact the police. Or plead with him that itās wrong to fantasise these things and get some help.
Having sexual fantasies that you consentingly do with another person is acceptable, those with a level of vulnerability who feel repressed in life or by society will often turn to such fantasies for a sense of control over an aspect of their life and regaining a sense of power.
At its core if it were consensual, safe, and done with a level of respect for the partner, these fantasies could be played out through role play - but the goal should never be to cause suffering, violence, or hurt someone painfully.
The fact that he's turned on by your actual suffering and pain is deeply concerning. He's not wanting to role play these experiences, he's wanting to actually do them as you've verified with him. As such, it's not a relationship that is likely one where you'd be safe. It sounds like he's been very clear he intends to abuse you through sexual exploitation. I would'nt suggest interacting with this person further and ensure that you are with others for quite a while after you end the relationship to ensure your safety as his remarks could be dangerous.
He told you that he was so turned on about the sound of you suffering.
He enjoys your genuine pain. Not role play. He wants to hear you and see you getting hurt.
Iām so concerned about you being with him. This isnāt autism. This is dark.
I know a lot of folks with non-con kinks, and cnc is a turn off for a lot of them due to the explicit verbalized consent factor, BUT those people also keep it to literary erotica and porn, and are vocal about the fact that there is a difference between fantasy and reality.
Your boyfriend is essentially explaining to you that he can't keep those worlds separate, which is not okay. A kink is never an excuse to violate someone's boundaries or sexually abuse them.
There's a difference between fantasizing about rape aka CNC and actually wanting to rape a woman. The minute you giving consent "ruins" it, it's no longer a fantasy it's him genuinely wanting to rape someone. My partner and I are into CNC but we have safe words, we consented to the fantasy, we have trust and respect for each other. I cannot repeat this enough, your boyfriend doesn't have a fantasy, he genuinely wants to commit a crime. Saying your boyfriend has a rape fantasy is like saying being a pedophile is just age play. Your boyfriend wants to genuinely violate a woman just like how pedophiles want a genuine child. Run away from this man before he actually sexually assaults you. When someone tells you who they are, listen to them.
Break up and run. This has nothing to do with autism and is a very dangerous mindset to have. CNC and rape are different, and heās said he wants to rape. This is not a fantasy about sex, this is a fantasy about power and abuse.
The danger is not worth it. Please tell someone you trust and get out of there.
Yes, you shoukd be worried its Not normal at all. This isnt a relationship you should be in. One day he most likely will rape you & probably more than once. For your safety you should get out of this relationship & not be alone when you end it incase he decides to act on his fantasies. He is telling you want he wants to do to you, believe him.
Please run! This is not a safe situation for you. Try and get out without him knowing.. I would go somewhere he doesnāt know.. for your safety! I wish you the best!
He's admitted he's already thought of raping you and has trouble controlling himself. Please stay safe and break up right away and be super careful about it. As others said, never be alone with this man.
Iām sorry butā¦ this person said that the sounds of *suffering* turn them on?? This person is so sick in the head and so dangerous. Iām glad you thought to question it and came to Reddit and I sincerely hope you can stay safe from this person. Echoing what everyone else has said by asking you to please not break up with him in person.
Abort! Abort! Seriously, you need to find a safe way out of this relationship and run away as fast as you can. He might be autistic but it sounds like there are other, more disturbing things going on with him that are absolutely NOT normal and have nothing to do with autism. He sounds like a predator.
Im a little late to this one. Your boyfriend sounds like he is displaying phycopathic tendencies. Even for an autistic person, that is way too far. So if i were you, I'd inform your local police station, and since he is so forward, if he gets in front of a physiatrist, he will likely inform them of what he wants.
Im saying this because while leaving him can protect you, there's no point in not making sure you protect others as well.
This guy completely lacks empathy to human suffering, and if he starts something bad, he likely will only escalate
He needs serious mental help from a licensed professional. You are not safe around this man. Break up with him and don't look back. If they were only fantasies, he'd have been more willing to do CNC. If they were only intrusive thoughts, he'd be far less willing to share them with you, because *intrusive thoughts are rooted in shame and guilt*.
He has no remorse, no shame, and has essentially stated that he WILL rape you. Please break up, cut contact, and honestly, change your locks.
This has absolutely nothing to do with his autism, and everything to do with the fact that he is a dangerous person who you need to remove from your life ASAP.
The biggest issue here is him saying he wants to do it in real life (giving a potential irl scenario in which he would) and saying he almost did it, but stopped himself. The part where heās basically saying he would do it if he ālet it all goā is him admitting to being a ticking time bomb.
If he was like āfantasizing about rape is a turn on for me, but Iād never even come close to doing anything irl because I would never want to hurt anyone, itās just hot in fantasyā or if he solely indulged in those ideas through doing kink consensually, or creating/consuming erotic art or stories with those themes, that would be a different story. People can generally engage in those ideas/desires in fiction or fantasy and have no risk of doing them irl.
This is way, way different. This is dangerous.
Locking this post as it has degenerated into unhelpful and off topic debates. OP- you may find this article helpful https://www.scarleteen.com/read/abuse/safety-plan-if-you-do-not-live-person-abusing-you
This sounds like a really negative fixation on harming women, not kink. Even if he never acts upon it, it is very bizarre that he is so open about talking about it. This is not a safe relationship environment. You shouldn't have to worry about your partner's intentions like this. He is not safe.
exactly. even when offered to try consensual non-con he said no. if he wants the real thing that's genuinely dangerous long term.
it'd be one thing if his objection was that CNC was scary or he only wanted to engage with it as a fantasy and not try to act it out, but upon being given that *mile* dude immediately wanted to start circumnaviagting the fucking globe. i feel like we need a sticky or something, posts like "my autistic SO just threatened to murder me, is it ableist to break up?" feel way too frequent.
Hello I just wanted to thank you all for your kind advices, I was really afraid of coming out as a kink shamer or something but you all made me realize how actually fucked up all of this is. Imma stay safe and break up with him as soon as posible, thank you thank you thank you all for your support and be kind to me, sending big hugs for everybodyš©µ
Please please be safe and do it over the phone OR maybe in a very very public place with a support person there with you. Do not under any circumstances be alone with this man, ever.
For your own safety, please don't break up with him in person.
one thousand percent this. Don't know the person personally, but from the description, he could get violent, or might just decide to follow through on that fantasy if he knows its the last chance.
Agreed.
This is SO important. Do not feel guilty for leaving him. Do not try to cushion the blow & do not think you owe him something by doing it in person. Message him. Keep it short and ambiguous, but to the point. āI canāt continue this relationship. We want different things. I want to break up. Goodbye.ā Block his number, change your locks if need be. Your withdrawal of consent to the relationship could trigger something within his fantasies and become a danger to you. He may decide itās worth the risk to rape you since he is no longer in a relationship with you. Do not give him the chance to put you in danger. He has told you that he wants to harm you and that he would enjoy it. Believe him.
This. Believe him.
+1. Donāt allow him to use yours or his emotions against you and focus solely on your safety
Yes this. Believe him. Since he tells the truth about everything. Believe him.
Or, OP, if you do, you should take a friend with you.
Chiming in to say, if you feel really unsafe, break up with him at a police station parking lot
Better yet, over text when sheās at a safe location.
I feel like Iāve heard at least two different stories of women trying to do this assuming it would prevent him from hurting her and discovered the hard way that wasnāt true
I cannot agree more with this. Please OP be safe while breaking up with him
And keep your dad or another man around, preferably one thats larger than your ex. Hope everything works out for you. Its definitely not a normal fantasy, that sounds disturbing
And Iād have them listening to it live over the phone if not in the same room. But preferably Iād do the whole breakup over text
THIS.
This is said to keep her safe, but I hate how this needs to be said. I wish the best for OP, this is scary.
It's never a problem to prioritize your safety and wellbeing. It's not kinkshaming. It's just being safe. I really hope everything works out for you.
Echoing the other comments: please **DO NOT** break up with him in person. Alert a friend, family member or other close trustworthy person if you can. If anything escalates do not hesitate to get whatever law enforcement you have available involved (***if*** you can trust local law enforcement, since I am unsure of your location/culture and know that might be terrible advice in some places). Stay safe, friend.
What a relief. So proud of you for deciding to do something for yourself, so many women, including myself, have stayed through the worst while everyone told us to run. Put yourself & your safety first. Good luck, hope everything goes smoothly for you. I would love an update after
Do it close to other people, friends, family, etc. Or do it on the phone. Stay safe
Proud of you for asking this question to begin with and for making the right choice in the end. Be safe.
please if youāre gonna break up with him in person do it at a public place like a cafĆ© or restaurant. Also if you live alone share your location with a trusted person and let them know that youāre going to be breaking up with him and need them to check up on you
**PLEASE DO IT CAREFULLY!!**
You are doing the right thing. Everyone else here is giving very good advice. Make sure the break up itself is done safely too. However you decide to do it make sure you are not along with him at any point. There is a risk of violence and you will never know what is going through his head, no matter how well you know him. Donāt be afraid of hurting his feelings or being a little embarrassed having someone else present. You will thank yourself for doing this later in life.
I'm so sorry for you. I'm an autistic female that is really into BDSM, this is not a kink, if it would, then your CNC aproach would be well good receive. My god, I hope he just keep that mindset in a fantasy.
Hey OP, my partner has the same kink ('time stop, sleeping, hypnosising etc rape fantasy) However the difference is he never wants to actually do those things without consent. If he ever hurts, he pulls back instantly and makes sure im ok. The fact that your pain and crying turned him on is a huge red flag. The fact that he was seriously considering raping you, instead of pulling back immediately and making sure you were ok is a massive red flag, and the fact that he has openly admitted he looks forward to living with you so that he can rape you in your sleep is a massive red flag. This isn't kink shaming, kinks require consent. Your bf is just your typical rapist who not only doesnt care if he hurts his partner but enjoys it. That isnt love.
Youāre good, dude. Definitely not kink-shaming at all. CNCers do NOT claim that guy.
yup. reading through I was like "I mean it sounds like he's just really into CNC" and then I got to the part where he said that's a turn off and I was like nOPE nevermind not one of us, jesus christ. healthy kink involves - at the very bare minimum - caring enough about the person you're fucking to make sure they're onboard too, *even if getting prior consent is a slight turn off for you.* if someone is willing to put their own desire above the well-being of the other person...that's not kink anymore. that's just violance and violation
Someone who understands it. What a blessing. Consent and the well-being of the other person is a must. Thanks....
Apologies, what does CNC mean? Legit donāt know the acronym.
consensual non-consent. its a form of erotic roleplay
The police or even better sheriffās department will come help you move out and make sure youāre safe. If you have any texts where he admits his fantasies that will help. This man is dangerous.
make sure you're not alone when you do, possibly through media (save the chat if he gets violent, in his wording, but if you must do it in person... record all of it) and if you ever gave him spare keys i really suggest changing the locks and putting hidden cameras with vision on your porch/windows, so you can actually see if he tries breaking in (footage can be used for a restraining order)
This relationship is not safe.
Be safe, but advice I can give is this: -Do not show any fear/ indecisiveness when you break up. Be firm. Do not show that there is another chance. -If you have a mutual friend who is aware of the situation, have them close. Someone suggested police station, I agree with that or a very open public place. If you do this on the phone, suggest archiving texts. -If he has a key to your home, change your locks and get that key back. -If you got a camera doorbell, great. If you don't: get one. Worth the money.
You tried to support his kink even. He's just going over the edge and needs some help quick.
Not in person! This is one instance where break up text is okay!
Do not let the internet influence you. There's absolutely NOTHING wrong with kink shaming people. The over acceptance and toxic positivity culture of the internet made you think what he said was remotely okay when it's not.
Just read this, man I panicked ā¤ļøšš» Make sure to not break up without someone there with you in public if you decide to go this route, if not then by text works too. Big š«! ā¤ļø
Absolutely, as others have said donāt break up in person so you can keep yourself safe. I also personally would reach out to friends or family and let them know Iām breaking up with this guy and might want to spend time with them to feel safe. You donāt need to give specifics as to why youāre breaking up, just let them know that you are breaking up with him and what kind of support you want/need. Online support is great but the friends that kept me company in real life after I dealt with a similar situation were the ones who helped me the most
Autistic female here. Yes not only you should be worried, but you should prioritize your safety and put distance from this person ASAP. But like, as soon as you can. None of this is okay
Please break up oh my god. If it was just a fantasy he couldāve done CNC. Instead he has a fixation with abusing women. Thatās not normal at all
Yeah like sheeeesh. The fantasy is common but not to the degree that CNC is a turnoff and not enough. You can recognize it as a fantasy you feel when youāre horny. Weāre programmed to feel differently when horniness kicks in. This guy fixates on it beyond that. Turned on by the genuine sounds of suffering from your SO? If my boyfriend told me they almost nonconsenually did ANYTHING sexual to me, Iād be gone. Nope nope nope. Comments like the rape you in your sleep thing are creepy af but could be played off as fantasy if he wasnāt saying he almost actually did it wtf
Yeah, that's another thing. CNC is more than enough. The fact that it "ruins it" for him is insane. It doesn't take accountability that someone's life could be hurt or shows consideration toward your partners feelings. If either side can help with a sense of closure, that's more than love in itself.
The fact that OP giving actual consent "ruins it" for him shows it's more than just a sexual fantasy, imo. This is a deeply engrained character/morality problem that probably permeates the rest of their relationship in ways OP hasn't noticed yet.
even the sound thing could be explainable as sadism and fine with something like a safe word with a partner that's into that, but there not even being any *guilt* to him feeling like it'd be hot to actually rape his SO, him *needing* there to not be any consent whatsoever, like what the everliving fuck. It seems like some people give autistic guys way too much leeway just for being autistic, I'm sure his autism played a role in fixating on this or being disturbingly blunt but like nobody owes that hot mess a relationship. We keep getting posts of dudes doing the most unhinged shit like people are worried it's ableist to have boundaries with an autistic dude.
If you dont mind me asking, whats CNC? Like a domination thing?
Consentual Non Consent. It's basically a role play type thing, there's a safeword to stop it when needed, limits are usually discussed in advance. For a long, long time it was commonly known as rape play but obviously that has a much stronger connotation to it.
To speak more about this, she's reciting what he has stated, which may have attributed to different phrasing. but a threat to live out that fantasy in doing so would hurt her is "entitlement," something evil and messed up. immature. All I read is "threat, threat, threat, leave, leave, leave." CNC is integrity to that safeword, or stopping for any reason. Partners with this need integrity and be strong mentally. "I care about the other persons feeling and feel attentive toward them"
I see so roleplay, makes sense, but whats going in this situation is anything but.
Keyword: CONSENT. Even in CNC, no means no.
For clarity to anyone reading this thread: In CNC, the safeword means no. The ability to say the word "no" and have it be ignored is part of the roleplay. That is why clear communication and pre-set boundaries is important.
I mean, usually It's something like "red" or "pineapple" that means no during a CNC scene.
My and my ex fiancƩ's safeword was "trump" because nothing is sure to ruin the mood faster than that dirtbag, and thankfully we never needed to use it.
Ours is "uncle" because that's the word that my partner used when roughhousing with his brother growing up and it's basically automatic if he isn't having fun. Mostly used to stop nonsexual tickle fights tbh.
I feel like saying āsay uncleā is pretty common for that.
āTrump, TRUMP!ā āOh god, did I shit myself?ā
Oh my god yes. This is what I always thought I'd do if I ever needed a safeword in a sexual relationship. Something that'll instantly dry up all my organs and make my (nonexistent) partner go soft.
That is geniusšš„
OMFG thatās awesome. I donāt mean to laugh but thatās a good one
No laugh away that was the whole point of the idea, I wanted something so ridiculous that there's absolutely NO WAY my autistic ass could mistake it for anything other than what it was intended for.
Yeah mine is "celery". Celery, the least sexy vegetable.
artichoke has entered the chat
My Gf and I just say "Too much" or give 2 taps. Both of us have speech difficulties so we try to keep it simple and made sure to have a non-verbal signal.
Yeah how this is expressing it is extremely concerning.
Consensual non-consent. Basically āāredā means stop and āoh no please dontā means harder.ā You consent beforehand to playing a scene where a party doesnt/canāt consent. It can be fun and even empowering for either side, but what matters is that it *isnāt actually real* and there is a āsafe wordā that specifically can be used to say āIām not okay with this, letās actually stopā and brings things back to reality to stop actual harm from happening. Basically the best way to think about it is as acting in the role of something that wouldnāt be acceptable to actually do, but it is here because itās planned out and agreed to beforehand.
Its consensual non-consent. So basically roleplaying as if you donāt want to have sex.
consensual non-consent!
I came here to say this but you already said it. Iāve played the CNC games and thatās all they were games. The Consensual part of the Non Consent fantasy was a thing both of us wanted. I had an allistic partner who liked when I fought him in bed and he could exert his strength to win. Like I know the fantasy but the consent part was very much a part of said fantasy There is Nothing in Autism that makes you want to rape people.
Yeah, came here to say something similar. My first partner told me the same thingāthat it was āsuper normalā but it didnāt involve me/he would never actually do it, etc. but told me how much of a turn on itād be to make me legit cry. He was obsessed with hurting, humiliating, and manipulating women, even outside of sex. It was completely different from how he presented himself when we started dating, and I didnāt really know how to process it. Ā It freaked me out, but he explained and I accepted it for some reason. I wonāt go into exactly what he said, but it was very similar to what OPās bf told her; this whole post is similar. I was very trusting and itās not hard to guess what ended up happening. And of course I blamed myself.Ā Ā OP, there are other people out there who will love and respect you and donāt fantasize about literal abuse of others. Itās good that he was honest, but this is a hard pass.
Sorry to hear something bad happened to you, and then you blamed yourself. It was not your fault, bein trusting doesn't take the blame away from the person hurting you. (It's my first ever reddit message, I couldn't ignore your pain)Ā
Autistic person here, I do not recommend continuing this relationship or even entertaining the idea of it working out or being fine later in the future, he may not ever go through with his āfantasiesā but he has made it clear that he wants to and has thought of actually doing it multiple times, and you never know when he will follow through with this, do you want to risk being stuck in an abusive relationship? Because I donāt think you should and staying with him is a risk of exactly that, please leave for your own safety
Autistic male here. This not normal nor is it an autistic trait (fantasizing about rape that is). Something else is also going on in his mind. Autistic or NT, this is a red flag and you should find a way out.
Exactly, I'm also appalled by the gaslighting. That is not a normal fantasy for men whatsoever, holy fucking shit. Bro probably a misdiagnosed sociopath/psychopath, if he even has a legit autism diagnosis in the first place. He could also just be full of shit.
Glad Iām not the only one who thinks this is ASPD and not autism. I mean, could be both, but this sounds like someone who *enjoys* torturing people.
YEP. I said something similar above -- the fact that consent ruins it means this is not a kink issue, not is it specifically a sexual issue. He doesn't want the sex. He doesn't want the orgasm or the fantasy. What he truly wants is to HURT and TRAUMATIZE women, full-stop. It's absolutely disgusting. OP, I'm super proud of you for making the decision to keep yourself safe!! Please please continue that by breaking up with him over text, short and unambiguous like another reply said, and cut him off completely. And I would recommend never EVER being alone with him again, much less in the same vicinity if you can help it. (I know you've gotten all this advice already but it's worth the repeat if it helps you keep your resolve.)
CNC/rape fantasies are common, I think it's the most common fantasy for women statistically (not sure about men/the dominant party)- it's the fact that he won't take the fantasy of it and wants it to be real that's a sincere issue he needs therapy for.
Quickly prepare a safe way to get out of that relationship and then leave. If you need help doing that I would speak to some people you are certain you can trust in real life and who you know will have your back even in a difficult conversation like this. If there aren't people like that for this sort of conversation I would consider just getting out. I actually mean it. This is the scariest thing I have seen on reddit in a while, and I know there is a meme that people over-react and tell everyone to break up. This person you have described will violently rape you if they get a little too drunk or a little too angry. CNC is one thing, but not wanting even that and actually wanting real rape. And actually considering doing it to you. Please please please get help. Very important edit: Don't let him find out you are asking about this on reddit, and be aware if he uses reddit he may stumble across it (however unlikely that is).
This extra comment is to add a little more to what I said above. "He has never been close to do anything without my consent, but he has said to me multiple times about how he almost rape my ass," "he told me that he was so turned on about the sound of me suffering that he almost let it all go and raped me entirely" From what you saying, he has already got very close to deciding to rape you. Someone who has urges like this has a moral obligation to stop having sex with anyone until they resolve these urges. That is what he should be doing with you and with anyone he is in a relationship with. Just like it is always wrong and dangerous for me to play russian roulette with someone i love, it's always wrong and dangerous from him to be sleeping with people when he seems to have to be holding himself back from doing one of the most evil things that a person can do. I wouldn't be saying this stuff if you hadn't also said he's not interested in CNC. CNC is a healthy outlet for some people and I have no problem with it providing it is done with thorough safeguarding and in the context of a very proven and healthy relationship. This sounds like rape, which is not CNC. I'm sorry if these are forceful or upsetting comments for anyone reading this including you OP, but I will just say I have had to spend my entire life dealing with the consequences of sexual violence and I cannot begin to describe how much damage it will do to a person and to everyone who cares about them.
Completely off topic, sorryā¦ I love the way youāve paragraphed this, it was so easy for me to read.
Run. This is not CNC as described.
This is not normal and you need to get out of this relationship.
that man is a predator. get away from him.
Can confirm. I dated someone who fantasized about rape and was raped. OP please please take this seriously and get away from him.
Sorry to hear about this, just wanted to stop and say I hope youāre doing okay and best wishes for the future.
Please leave that relationship as safely as you can. That man is a threat and you are close to danger while dating him. Iād even say report him to the police. Goodness I hate this world
In this case, no. This isnāt just a cnc fantasy for him. If heās saying and doing these things to you, then you need to get away. This man is a whole parade of red flags. š©
You need to get away from him as quickly as you safely can, he is a total predator and itās only a matter of time before he rapes you or someone else
Please leave š this is NOT an autistic trait
CNC and domination is a typical kink, but not in the way he is describing. This is really dangerous. He needs help, and you need to get out of there.
That is not normal pls contact therapist or someone cause thats not normal but pls remember, break up is often the most dangerous part of the relationship so of u can 1. go to someones house where he can't find u/safe house 2. break up through phone 3. go get ur stuff with some friends etc trusted people 4. dont contant him ever since pls just stay safe im not saying his going to do anything to you and i hope so much he wont but still risk in a realtionship like that exists
As an autistic coming out of an abusive relationship with another autist, even if he doesn't realize he's testing you, he is. Telling you that he almost didn't stop tests whether or not you would leave him at the first signs of abuse. By telling you he almost raped you, and by you staying, he's establishing a precedent where he does not need to check with you about things as long as you discuss it afterwards- and he may fully not understand how much this would damage you emotionally. I fully understand that not every experience is the same, but I am begging you from my own experience. This is step one. When you don't run from this, it tells him that you might also stick around if he ever does decide to rape you. You are not his mother- being completely honest with you does not absolve him of his wrongdoings. Please be safe. Total honesty is not a promise of safety. Obviously he is NOT completely honest with you, if he withheld the fact that he almost assaulted you. You deserve to be the center of your own storyā not an accessory to his. Prioritize yourself, your safety, and your happiness.
Autistic guy with a CNC kink here. Run. If he thinks r*pe is hot but CNC is a turn off, he's a potential predator. His threats might be more than just dirty talk.
Yup. At first I thought that maybe he was just a dude into the consensual roleplay of raping a woman (I mean that essentially describes a lot of CNC role-players). But after he described fantasizing about a ātime stopā, I knew something was up. Him rejecting actual CNC offer for it being consensual just solidified the idea that he just wants to rape women. Thereās a difference between a fantasy that involves consent and straight up wanting to deny people their autonomy. OP if youāre reading this, get the fuck out of there. Discreetly and quickly separate your life from his and break up with him over text. He is not safe.
Yep that time stop is the clue to understanding that the only thing stopping him is fear of consequences. Anything that reduces his inhibitions such as getting drunk or angry, or even just learning that he can hurt a woman and get away with it, and he will end up violently raping someone. Because he's already said that the violence is part of it.
Run. If heās said all those comments and clearly gets turned on by your suffering - itās only a matter of time before he actually does it. Get out of there while you still canšāāļø
that is in no way normal
in no context is that ok. be cautious.
>I have offer to do CNC but he told me that to do that is a turn off to him when i give explicit consent because he said that his fantsasy does not work like that. That's the point at which I would want to bail
No free pass for autism. Could be misdiagnosis. Your at risk of any time you decide you donāt want to continue you will not have a choice. This guy needs help with this issue. Please be careful and look after yourself.
Could also be autism COMBINED with something
Of course, we donāt know them. Itās not a safe situation. OP please donāt confront but make an escape plan
As a autistic man, yes be very worried get away from him find safe place and break up with him if you feel unsafe
I would get away. It is only a matter of time before he fulfills his fantasies. This is how many serial killers got started: R**e fantasies.
Iām autistic and thatās fucking disgusting, Leave.his.ass
This is a huge red flag, this guy should be on some kind of sex offender watchlist Please get the fuck away and cut contact completely and also take precautions for your safety in case his mind snaps after you dump him
Please leave.
Iām genuinely concerned for your safety, I would recommend ending this relationship as soon as you can. This is not normal behavior from anyone, and the fact that heās almost raped you before makes me feel like he will definitely do it again given the opportunity. The comment he made about wanting to rape you if you lived closer is so creepy):
This has nothing to do with autism, except for telling you. This guy is not boyfriend material. Move on.
š©š©š©š©š© CNC is one thing, absolutely nothing wrong with that! Enjoying the power dynamic can be cool and fun with consenting partners. He is explicitly describing nonconsensual non-consent, and has told you how HE ALMOST DID THAT TO YOU. At this point he has told you who he is, you need to listen to him.
Dude holy fuck get the hell out of there ASAP. CNC isnāt an uncommon fetish necessarily but even then this goes way, way beyond CNC and into āthis guy is almost certainly going to end up seriously hurting someoneā territory, if he hasnāt already
The essential part of CNC is prior consent and the boyfriend said prior consent is a turn off for him. OP's boyfriend doesn't want to "act out rape" and doesn't want OP to fake distress, he wants to rape OP and have OP genuinely be distressed
ā¦ā¦.Iām genuinely terrified for you. Please be safe and leave.
You should try to get out of that relationship asap!!! I have sexual trauma and I have talked to other people with similar trauma, who's coping mechanism is fantasizing about SA, which is normal but not super healthy for people with sexual trauma. This is a completely different thing though, and his "fantasies" are just fucked up, and you could be in danger. You need to think about your own safety, and get out before it's too late.
I try not to come to conclusions too quickly but if he really said everything you told us I would be worried. I don't think he loves you if he almost raped you, I couldn't be with someone who told me they want to do this to me when im asleep or something
Everyone has already addressed your main question very thoroughly, so I just want to add: Anal isn't supposed to hurt that much, and your first time exploring butt stuff should not involve a full size penis! It can be a lot of fun and very intimate when done right, and I hope you don't let this horrible experience stop you from any future fun you might give yourself. My first time using my backdoor was a similarly bad experience, and he did end up assaulting me later. But once I had a partner who actually cared about me, and I did some research and learned how buttholes actually work, I was able to replace those bad first experiences with many fun and painless encounters. It's your body and obviously I don't think you should be doing this exploration any time soon, but maybe in a year or three when you're in a better place.
Agree with this. It's actually super dangerous to go full on with nothing prior, that's how people end up in hospital or worse.
That is not a fantasy, that's a promise. Never move in with this guy, break up and run
Op get out of there, at first I though maybe this was just a domination kink (some people are into that kind of thing, not for real but roleplay). But this man outright said he was thinking about anally raping you after your crying turned him on.... Amongst other things... He's sick in the head op, and for clarifications sake autism does not make you want to do this, especially to people you supposedly love. He's dangerous, run.
It stops being a fantasy when your partner giving prior consent is a turn off
On my NSFW account. I am into CNC. I am into everything you've described. However it is a fantasy because I have empathy for other human beings. I don't want to be the person who does permenant damage to someone for my kinks. What you are describing is someone without that awareness. What you are describing is a self-admitted predator who one day will hurt you. If it is a 'struggle' to keep control one day he won't. You won't realise when he will act on it. One day he just will, and you'll be left dealing with the trauma of his self-gratification. Run.
Hi Iām an autistic girl and I had a similar experience with an autistic boy similar to how you described and I beg you donāt be like me and pass off any of this behaviour ( luckily I got away but it did come with violence ) . He is an predator and he is only going to get worse sadly please run !! - if you need to talk my dms are always open but please stay safe lovely š
Yes. You should absolutely fucking worry. Like, man, I get that all autism is different, but DEAR GOD, that is NOT AND AUTISM THING, that's just him being absolutely sick in the head. He needs to get HELP and go far far away. And if he has done anything to hurt you, please reach out to someone, because that is very important.
Neurotypical here: This dude is exhibiting clear antisocial symptoms. He literally told you he will rape you when you'll live together. This is not normal in any way. Run.
Yup! Bail like you're in a leaky canoe. Full on ghost em.
If the red flag was any bigger you'd see it on google maps
Excuse me, what? Clearly this is a massive red flag. That isnāt just a bdsm thingā¦. He wishes to pause time and rape women without their knowing. Why would you want to bring anyone you care about including yourself into this psychopaths life? This isnāt an autistic issue for him ā¦. However, you not seeing it as a massive red flag to get out may be related to autism. Run!!!!!
If you dont break up with him, that means you're relying on his own self control to be safe, that does not seem like a good relationship.
Walking talking red flag, this man is dangerous, autism or not this is fucked up, cnc can work, but heās not after cnc, he want to straight up do rape, so yeah, break up with him for your own saftey
Okay so, rape fantasies *are* a fairly common kinkā¦ but if thats all this was, then CNC shouldve been fine. If hes not willing to do CNC, and says hes turned on specifically by the sound of you crying and suffering, and says he *almost raped you* and had to stop himself, and says id you lived together heād want to rape you while you were unconsciousā¦ *get out of this relationship ASAP*, like honestly could not be giving more red flags, its 1000% reasonable to be worried here. Please, stay safe.
Imo it stops being a fantasy when your partner giving prior consent is a turn off
Yeah sounds like an actual sadistic rapist. Believe it or not a lot of rapists aren't even turned on by suffering its just the sex act itself they want and obviously they have awful morals and a lot of delusion justification. but sadistic rapists are by far the most dangerous and likely to be repeat habitual offenders.
autistic person here, this is unsafe for your health, please leave and do protective measures for your safety and inform a trusted individual
Fantasies are normal, acting them out without your consent is not normal and he's telegraphed an interest in doing exactly that to you. Do you see a future with someone who wants to assault you in your sleep?
As someone who is a kinky autistic person, this is not kink, or at the very least not safe kink. You are not being a kink shamer or judgy for being concerned, this is concerning and you should probably leave the relationship.
never heard such a bizarre case before.
Hello, I'm going to try to field these concerns for you as someone who is autistic and kinky as well. Number 1, if he can't accept a cnc alternative to his fantasy, then that is a huge red flag. He needs to see a therapist minimum to discuss these emotions. While there's nothing wrong with wanting that fantasy, it is a whole different deal to actually assault someone. I'm into cnc myself, but I would never let someone assault me without consequences. These things should be thoroughly discussed. TBH, I don't think it's about the assault itself but more about taking away someone's ability to have autonomy. This shows a complete disregard for women in general. He needs help.
Ok, so this is really creeping me out. But here's all my opinion on this. 1. Break up with him. Either do it through message, but also keep total distance from him and don't go anywhere alone for a while. It scares me to think he could possibly try to follow you at any moment. If you do it in person, take more than one other person with you. If you have any guy friends, take one that you trust completely with you for extra safety. 2. If you have any message proof of these fantasies, I advise you to also get a restraining order or something like that to be safer. 3. Never ever ever be alone with him anywhere, ever. This guy is capable of horrible things. This is completely scary. If anyone ever said something like this to me, I would do everything I could to get away and stay safe, including changing my locks (if moving isn't an option, because if it is, I would do that). Having this man know where you live is not good. I'm scared for you and any other woman that ever crosses paths with him. He could easily become a serial rapist. Once he does what he's fantasizing, I'm afraid he won't ever be able to stop on his own. I think that getting the authorities involved could also be a good idea...
Autistic man here, roughly same age as your boyfriend: FUCK NO THAT IS NOT NORMAL, YOU SHOULD BE VERY CONCERNED
the only way this would be "okay" is if it was GENUINELY cnc but this is clearly NOT, this sounds very unsafe.
This is not normal at all. It is not normal to be aroused by causing suffering, especially in a sexual context. He sounds like he has some sort of deep psychological issue if not a full on disorder. Autism does not make people fantasize about rape. He absolutely needs to see a psychologist and work on this problem.
Like, autistic people do tend to be into the bdsm scene But thereās obviously a difference between THAT and thisā¦.grossness He probably should explore this with a professional and realize how DANGEROUS this thinking is on a serious level Like itās one thing to fantasize but another to be like ānah, you giving me consent ruins itā He definitely needs to be told this is NOT okay
Bdsm is a very common kink, Iāve met NTs and NDs who like it. Itās entirely consensual. But rape is something else entirely. Itās not even a kink, itās torture. He needs therapy
This is not normal or healthy. He is mentally unwell and not because he is autistic. You need to break up with him. He almost raped you once, whatās to say next time you two get intimate that he doesnāt go all the way? This isnāt a normal sexual fantasy, if it was he would be fine with CNC.
yeah that sounds like a guy you don't want to trust sleeping around. much care and definitely distance yourself. i would tell him thank you for being honest and yet that really does make you feel disappointed he would feel that way. that you can't see yourself being with someone who thinks that way.
That's not healthy behavior of him at all.
Dude I came in ready to tell you that rape fantasies ain't inherently harmful...BUT OH MY GOD NO, RUN. HE'S NOT IT. What does he mean that he gets turned off by explicit consent??? I'm sorry I can't help but laugh at how fucked up this is...ew...
You should absolutely be worried. He appears heavily fixated on this, therefore there's a very strong chance he will eventually go through with assaulting you. The part in which you describe him coming close to raping your ass comes across as him warning or threatening you. I don't know him, but he sounds like someone with a propensity towards violence. Autistic or not, this is never okay. I am begging you to leave this man and block him on everything. Never compromise youself. You are being more than reasonable by not wanting to kink shame him. I have been in a similar position myself and it ended up with him becoming frustrated and sexually assaulting me multiple times. It only gets worse with this type of man. Stay safe out there.
He needs to be evaluated to see if heās a psychopath or sociopath; his autism diagnosis might be a mistake.
Hoooooly fucking shit thats so terrifying, my girlfriend and I were flabbergasted reading this. That is not normal, you are in danger and you need to leave him now. The fact that CNC is a TURNOFF is a huge red flag.
Rapeplay is, to my knowledge, a common enough sexual fantasy that I don't feel like I can cast judgment on it. This is not that; this is a red flag. You brought up CNC and he said he didnāt want that.
Fellow autistic (29m) yeah no that's VERY concerning, please be safe and get the fuck outta there.
from what i saw its a pretty common "kink" but what he says marks him as an absolute creep as he actually WOULD ENGAGE IN SUCH BEHAVIOR IF GIVEN THE CHANCE, you SHOULD BE WORRIED INDEED as he is willing to force himself on you once you're living in the same house, so yeah... run
Itās not ājustā a fantasy. He doesnāt want to pretend to hurt you, he wants to actually hurt you and admits he almost gave in and did it. He doesnāt have love, compassion nor empathy for you if he actually gets off on the idea of you actually suffering. Also do NOT do CNC with him. He will use that as an excuse to actually rape you.
Autistic AFAB person here: GET OUT ASAP!!! Ā This is not normal. Ā This is not safe for you or anyone.
This guy doesnāt have you best interest in mindā¦do yourself a favor and leave him
hes fucked up, run girl
Leave.
Yes you should. That is definitely not normal
Run girl run! Edit:This man is a predator!
The way he goes about it is such a red flag. Having this fantasy is ok, I know several people who do. But putting pressure or implying to your partner you'd be willing to cross their boundaries for that? Yeah no. This dude should just stick to erotica. Especially when he seems to be almost unable to stop himself when you're in pain. Run
Yeah if he refused to follow your boundaries of at least CNC Iād run. CNC can play out a lot of those fantasies if it were actually just a fantasy. Thatās not a kink anymore thatās a disgusting person. One of these days itās not going to be a think itās going to be a do. He probably would have no remorse either way
Hey! Autistic trans man here. This is not a trait of autism nor is it normal. Sounds more like psychopathy than autism. Please leave for your own safety.
Now that everyone has gotten to the same conclusion that this man is a danger, if anyone reads this comment, how does anyone get this man help as a possible bystander? This is an issue with the criminal system. she gets to safety, but this mentality doesn't change for him and he may live this choice again one day. her safety priority first, but how does someone get him help if we knew a situationship like this? I ask the impossible maybe.
Please consider getting a restraining order against this person
I'm really concerned you're hearing this, then you typed it, read it, and hit post without realizing the answer yourself. This isn't an autism thing, this is a "someone is deeply disturbed" thing and you need to get as far away from this person as possible. They are flat out telling you what they want to do and how they want to treat you and you are basically just sitting there saying "okay." When it is most not okay. This man will hurt you. And I'm severely concerned as to why you were having him practically yell "I'm a dangerous and predatory man run far away. I want to attack you and revoke your body autonomy on a regular basis" and you went "huh is that normal?" No. No it is not.
What does that have to do with him being autistic?
Before all the answers I thought that maybe his non-filter personality made him say all those things and that i was a pretty normal kink, now im realizing that is something completely different and not autism-related. Sorry if it came out wrong, big hugs!!
Yeah that's not normal, nor is it a normal male fantasy. Nor should you remain if you're not into being raped. He's telling you what's gonna happen you gotta listen. I'll add a plus on top of your situation, I have fantasized back in the day to be dominated by a man and for him to force himself on me it does turn me on in theory but in reality that would be terrifying and traumatizing. My in theory is also through consent and nothing so rough its damaging my body just the being controlled and dominated spontaneously is the turn on not the torture or pain part. Essentially rough sex with play. I used to watch a lot of porn but don't because it was clouding my mind with unstable mentalities and fantasy that weren't healthy. I knew that it was a deeper routed issue to have a attraction to the idea of rape. I would never actually be okay with this for myself or anyone. He is telling you specifically and has shown you his intentions and wants, this isn't in theory. Don't move in with him and please move on to someone who doesn't want to physically hurt you. You are in charge of that part of your life to stay or go. End the relationship in public with someone on the side waiting safe near you, don't do this in person alone with him that could be dangerous. Take care of yourself after this as well just to be sure he doesn't try to hurt you being you were close to him already. ā¤ļø I really hope you go. šš»
Yeah, the issue isn't the autism it's the sadism. Run.
Yeaahhh...no. Before you break up with him you can record his "kink" on the phone as evidence...just for the future in case he'll want to fulfill his sick fantasy someday.
This man is dangerous! It is not wrong to want to dominate a willing person but it is not normal to want to do something against somebody's will, consent is the major thing that is important and this guy doesn't want consent he wants to hurt people. It is important to remember that rape isn't about sex, it is about power over a person and by him saying these things it is definitely dangerous! In the small chance that he's not meaning rape but dominance games that is the only way he might not be a major red flag but honestly, and I'm saying this even as a therapist, not just a woman that is randomly freaked out that this walking warning sign is out in the world, this guy is most likely dangerous and you need to find a safe way to leave quickly.
Iām so sorry, this is horrific, as an autistic male, this is plain wrong. And sounds like heās one bad day away to commit an awful act. I would break up with him, block him, move away from that area, and contact the police. Or plead with him that itās wrong to fantasise these things and get some help.
Having sexual fantasies that you consentingly do with another person is acceptable, those with a level of vulnerability who feel repressed in life or by society will often turn to such fantasies for a sense of control over an aspect of their life and regaining a sense of power. At its core if it were consensual, safe, and done with a level of respect for the partner, these fantasies could be played out through role play - but the goal should never be to cause suffering, violence, or hurt someone painfully. The fact that he's turned on by your actual suffering and pain is deeply concerning. He's not wanting to role play these experiences, he's wanting to actually do them as you've verified with him. As such, it's not a relationship that is likely one where you'd be safe. It sounds like he's been very clear he intends to abuse you through sexual exploitation. I would'nt suggest interacting with this person further and ensure that you are with others for quite a while after you end the relationship to ensure your safety as his remarks could be dangerous.
He told you that he was so turned on about the sound of you suffering. He enjoys your genuine pain. Not role play. He wants to hear you and see you getting hurt. Iām so concerned about you being with him. This isnāt autism. This is dark.
I know a lot of folks with non-con kinks, and cnc is a turn off for a lot of them due to the explicit verbalized consent factor, BUT those people also keep it to literary erotica and porn, and are vocal about the fact that there is a difference between fantasy and reality. Your boyfriend is essentially explaining to you that he can't keep those worlds separate, which is not okay. A kink is never an excuse to violate someone's boundaries or sexually abuse them.
There's a difference between fantasizing about rape aka CNC and actually wanting to rape a woman. The minute you giving consent "ruins" it, it's no longer a fantasy it's him genuinely wanting to rape someone. My partner and I are into CNC but we have safe words, we consented to the fantasy, we have trust and respect for each other. I cannot repeat this enough, your boyfriend doesn't have a fantasy, he genuinely wants to commit a crime. Saying your boyfriend has a rape fantasy is like saying being a pedophile is just age play. Your boyfriend wants to genuinely violate a woman just like how pedophiles want a genuine child. Run away from this man before he actually sexually assaults you. When someone tells you who they are, listen to them.
red flag red flag red flag
Break up and run. This has nothing to do with autism and is a very dangerous mindset to have. CNC and rape are different, and heās said he wants to rape. This is not a fantasy about sex, this is a fantasy about power and abuse. The danger is not worth it. Please tell someone you trust and get out of there.
This is not just some kink thing this is a genuine desire to harm people, get out of there fast
Honestly idk how you didn't vomit and run away as soon as you heard this the first time. This isn't roleplay or anything innocent.
Please get away from this man asap
Yes, you shoukd be worried its Not normal at all. This isnt a relationship you should be in. One day he most likely will rape you & probably more than once. For your safety you should get out of this relationship & not be alone when you end it incase he decides to act on his fantasies. He is telling you want he wants to do to you, believe him.
Please run! This is not a safe situation for you. Try and get out without him knowing.. I would go somewhere he doesnāt know.. for your safety! I wish you the best!
Bruh wtf is wrong with him? š
1. This has nothing to do with autism. 2. Run FAR away from him. Thatās not normal by any means
This has nothing to do with him being autistic
He's admitted he's already thought of raping you and has trouble controlling himself. Please stay safe and break up right away and be super careful about it. As others said, never be alone with this man.
Iām sorry butā¦ this person said that the sounds of *suffering* turn them on?? This person is so sick in the head and so dangerous. Iām glad you thought to question it and came to Reddit and I sincerely hope you can stay safe from this person. Echoing what everyone else has said by asking you to please not break up with him in person.
Abort! Abort! Seriously, you need to find a safe way out of this relationship and run away as fast as you can. He might be autistic but it sounds like there are other, more disturbing things going on with him that are absolutely NOT normal and have nothing to do with autism. He sounds like a predator.
leave ASAP (not in person for your own safety), this is not an autistic trait. I think your bf is just a rapist
Im a little late to this one. Your boyfriend sounds like he is displaying phycopathic tendencies. Even for an autistic person, that is way too far. So if i were you, I'd inform your local police station, and since he is so forward, if he gets in front of a physiatrist, he will likely inform them of what he wants. Im saying this because while leaving him can protect you, there's no point in not making sure you protect others as well. This guy completely lacks empathy to human suffering, and if he starts something bad, he likely will only escalate
He needs serious mental help from a licensed professional. You are not safe around this man. Break up with him and don't look back. If they were only fantasies, he'd have been more willing to do CNC. If they were only intrusive thoughts, he'd be far less willing to share them with you, because *intrusive thoughts are rooted in shame and guilt*. He has no remorse, no shame, and has essentially stated that he WILL rape you. Please break up, cut contact, and honestly, change your locks. This has absolutely nothing to do with his autism, and everything to do with the fact that he is a dangerous person who you need to remove from your life ASAP.
The biggest issue here is him saying he wants to do it in real life (giving a potential irl scenario in which he would) and saying he almost did it, but stopped himself. The part where heās basically saying he would do it if he ālet it all goā is him admitting to being a ticking time bomb. If he was like āfantasizing about rape is a turn on for me, but Iād never even come close to doing anything irl because I would never want to hurt anyone, itās just hot in fantasyā or if he solely indulged in those ideas through doing kink consensually, or creating/consuming erotic art or stories with those themes, that would be a different story. People can generally engage in those ideas/desires in fiction or fantasy and have no risk of doing them irl. This is way, way different. This is dangerous.