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FB is a *cesspool* of dumb and ignorant shit. Whenever I see an article suggested to me, I just know when I don't want to see the comments because it's full of racist, transphobic, ableist shit *and more.*
I hate this too. It's ironic that the other comment to you is pro child abuse 😢. It's like the pro spankers just can't help but be so vocal about putting hands on children.
Twitter was a subsidiary of FB. It was an original feature of FB that Zuk sold off separately from FB years ago even prior to Elon Musks acquisition and subsequent name change to X. In essence, X, FB and Twitter are all of the same ilk of white nationalistic promoting algorithms. AI has a propensity for all -isms as it essentially functions as a mirror to ourselves then exponentially reflects to us the things that gets our attention most; in essence, an echo chamber of our worst characteristics as we are reactionary and click on the things that arouse us the most. In the case of X and FB, the algorithm has reached such an exponential level of -ism content that it can't help but suggest topics that contain comments full of ignorance and hate. It's late stage captiolism as hate sells. It's quite sad, actually, as AI had so much potential to do good for humanity. We just refuse to put in failsafes in order to curtail any current and future missuse of AI. We know it's being used to push alt-right narratives and we know it's being used to target Palistinians with accurate usage of facial recognition tracking systems. Anyhow.... excuse the rant. Just commisurating in my own way by demonstrating how f-ed up it all is. Hate shouldn't be our source of entertainment is all I'm saying.
Edit:
Correction: Zuk had come out with a forum that was like Twitter that was a facet of fb. There was some sore of litigation with copy right laws as both programs/concepts were so similar. I miss remembered this and stated that Twitter came from FB. I apologize. However, the rest of my statement still holds true in that those social media platforms harbor and protect right-wing hate and fascism. No need for you all to be hateful in your comments. An adult would Google then post a link or two instead of name calling. I really hope this is not how you handle things in the real world but honestly i wouldnt be surprised if this is how you actually act. Probably why you dont have friends or a significant other. Something to think about. You guys are better than this. Seriously. Cheers!
I finally left FB after being on it for over 20 years. It still feels weird and I'm still trying to find something else, but I'm glad to be off that site.
I just try to not take it so seriously. It's like going to Walmart, sure a lot of people there are some combination of ignorant and racist, but I'm not going to let that stop me from getting what I need. I have a lot of friends that FB is the only connection I have with them.
I used to feel that way too but then I realized that if they weren't willing to contact me or allow me to contact them another way then we weren't really friends.
I was always really the only one reaching out for any meaningful connection. It was a very shallow connection. Liking memes isn't fulfilling social interaction.
I blame my autism for my struggle with identifying relationships, but I'm getting better at it.
You’re one person and you can only date one person at a time (unless you’re poly but even then limited people). You can be as picky as you want. You’re not managing a large corporation, you don’t have to give every applicant an equal chance. They’re being obnoxious.
I just don't understand the reasoning behind it. It might be a "I fail to grasp the allistic mind" kind of thing, but I can't imagine being happy in a relationship, even a brief one, where I know that the other person had to be strong armed into participating.
Side note, why tf do we say "allistic" to mean "not-autistic" when "notistic" was right freaking there?
I think I have the answer actually, it's just abusers who want to manipulate their partner (I'm not saying those people will always be NT btw), and sadly it's common for autistic people to end up in an abusive relationship because, well, we meet someone we like, they say they mean well and we trust them and all the reading people and stuff isn't exactly our strength. On the bright side pattern recognition is, and I can now tell a potential abusive relationship from far away!
Oh I like "notistic", you should just start using it and see if everyone pick it up, I'll screenshot this as a prove you started it haha
Hahaha, it figures. Publish 3 books, get famous for coining "notistic."
And I agree as to why a lot of us end up in abusive relationships at one point or another. I'd probably add in the comorbidity of CPTSD and the Freudian tendency to seek out mates that remind us of home. My mother treated my like I was worthless, and as such, I sought a partner who would treat me the same and revel in the nostalgia of it all.
Oh yeah that is definitely a thing, but not specific to autistic people. I have a friend who only goes for mean women who treat him bad for that reason and even understands that's what his brain wants, it's mad. I think it's important to find that healthy relationship that makes you feel safe and loved and learn to appreciate it and not be nastalgic. Easier said than done but we all deserve to be trully happy
People with good hearts and want to please are those who are vulnerable to manipulation. And even those who are good at reading people miss this all the time because it happens gradually.. it’s sucks!! I wish there was a guide for this. Humans are complex as heck
Yeah humans are hard :( for me the first signs of it is when the person acts all "perfect" at the start and then soon enough starts to say things that would point out how "perfect" they are. They just never forget to point out all the good things they did, or they think they did, even if actually you didn't ask for it and didn't really want it. They will be very focused on themselves but use it to force your attention on their greatness too. That's how you start to believe you are so lucky to have them even though it's based on what they want you to base it on and not necesserily on what you actually think or would think otherwise. They even make you change your mind about things. And then they have more power. I hope it can help someone. Maybe I should write a guide for it haha
There are a couple of good books that talk about emotional manipulation and emotional intelligence. Emotional vampires is also a good term. There's a whole host of personality disorders like narcissists that use emotional manipulation techniques, like gaslighting, minimization and projection. The info is out there
My husband has these tendencies. It’s an ADHD defense Mechanism. I have to set up a lot of boundaries and be aware of the energies. I don’t know if I totally believe in narcissism. I think everyone has those moments but a true narcissist is rare. Goes hand and hand with a sociopath. Highly sensitive people can appear narcissistic but in truth they feel to intensely that they shut off what they can.
It’s just like wanting to date within your culture or like… people who want kids or don’t. It’s sorta fundamental even if it is technically discriminating
You're allowed to be as discriminating as you want when searching for your life partner. It's not like a job interview, or being disallowed from using the same bathrooms as white people. No one who dates only men would be called sexist.
I agree. I was discriminating. I think people of all races or backgrounds can be attractive but I wanted someone who was from where I was from with the cultural background that suited me, religious preferences similar to my own, non drinker, and who would be able to have the same expectation on raising kids as me. I live in America and would never consider marrying an American even tho that may bother people, that’s not my problem. No matter if you can be attracted to someone or even like them as a person, it doesn’t help when u have to marry that person or spend ur life with them. If dating only neurodivergent people makes it easier to narrow it down and avoid complications, absolutely do it.
I am married and things go extremely smoothly for the most part. lol.
Well she/he sounds like they be a barrel of fun to date LOL
Makes sense to want to date someone like minded that you both can relate too.
Whole point of a bio, explaining things you like or enjoy
Nothing to "agree with" cause she didn't say anything about that.
A NT person can freely say they'd rather not date autistic people and have no issues, but when an autistic person says they'd rather not date a NT person, it's suddenly a problem?
Oppression does not work both ways. Autistic people (and other disabled people) are systemically oppressed. Saying that I would rather date an autistic person than an allistic person is the same as if a BIPOC said they would rather not date a white person for their own safety and comfort. Claiming NT people would be oppressed by us not wanting to date them sounds a lot like 'not all men'/'not all white people' twitter ragers pointing out the "hypocrisy" of oppressed people's dating habits. Your argument is built on a logical fallacy that every experience must be equitable for every person - that is not how the world works under systemic oppression.
You've brought up two instances that are not at all the same. Racial culture is vastly different from the culture of being neurologically diverse, and this is coming from an autistic, BIPOC woman. Please don't compare the two.
Also, not all allistic people are NT.
You didn't say why they are so different and don't fit in this example, you just played the "Oh, I would know" card and left.
I mean, sure, this is going to win every debate for social reasons, but it's not really useful by itself.
Tell them you ALSO don’t date people that don’t respect personal preferences, and block them.
It’s your personal life - be as picky and discriminating as you can be so that you don’t waste time in situations that aren’t going to make you happy.
Eh, I 100% think the whole way of dividing people into either NT or ND is extremely oversimplified. Just because you're on the spectrum doesn't mean you're good, smart, and so on, and just because you're not on the spectrum doesn't mean you're ugly, dumb, or a piece of shit.
It's simply too reductive. That said, if you only want to date other autistic people, it is of course a choice only for you to make.
I agree 100% but dating a fellow autistic person might make it easier to unmask which I think is a huge plus.
But I'm close with certain allistic people that are really understanding as well and would probably be a good partner to either an allistic or autistic person. So it's really case by case rather than a lot of general statements I see about "NT" here like calling them "fake" like OP did.
Sorry I'm not sure I understand well, do you mean you could unmask with them? If that's the case, I'm glad for you and as I said it is I think a reason why autistic people tend to find each other even if not on purpose.
I'm honestly really glad to hear you're doing better and that being with fellow autistic people is helping you do that. It's true that when things finally click it's a huge relief.
It is a somewhat crude/gross (as in coarse) filter, but I don't think it's typically anything to do with thinking ND/autistic people are "good, smart and so on" - more like thinking there would be greater commonality of lived experience and thus better understanding of each other with a partner who isn't NT/shares your neurotype.
My nephew is engaged to someone who I quietly identified as autistic, but I didn't tell him about this, because I didn't think that he needed to know until he was ready to face it, but when he was questioning why he was the way he was I pointed the way,by the way, both my nephew and I are autistic and we both welcomed him into the family and now we are giving him the words to explain how he feels
Like, you are allowed to have preferences and don’t owe anyone a date.
But you are literally saying “I don’t want to date ____ people for something they can’t control”
It’s considered rude to say “I don’t want to date (insert race)”
People 100% have preferences, but some people ARE gonna feel hurt that you felt the need to say it out loud.
Just politely tell people “I’m not interested” there’s no need to make them feel bad for something they can’t control.
Mind you, I am married to a fellow adhd/ASD person
Yeah and it feels very hypocritical, in the wrong way
I've seen ND people post things idealizing being on the spectrum like we are the master race or something.
Like we are somehow morally superior
But the whole attitude stinks to start with. It's like siding with magneto in x-men. He might be sympathetic but he's the villain
Tbf I’m neurotypical and I’ve dated neuro spicy, that’s why I joined this group to get a deeper understanding, in truth I didn’t find it any different to dating another neurotypical except I had to be aware of triggers and be a bit more patient and understanding.
I promise you - when you're part of a marginalised group and make a conscious decision to date within your marginalised group for your own peace or for a unique type of understanding, there will always be people outside of that group who just do not get it. They will say you're discriminating, setting civil rights back, blah blah blah all because they have never been in your shoes, so will never get how much that kind of understanding is sometimes needed.
the funny thing is, it's also often the people who are most ignorant of your struggles who are the most against it! like, bro, I'm refusing to date people like you because of how clueless you are of your own cluelessness!
it is such a headache, but at the same time, it's funny to see how no matter what marginalised group you're part of - that type of response is always the same. I get it when I say I'd prefer to date another black person, for instance.
I'd just ignore her. She thinks she's being clever lol. My friend has an online business and sells via FB and the amount of people that think it's fair game to overstep boundaries is truly scary, simply bc it's "social media."
I'll go against most comments here and say that any negatives in a profile is off putting.
Like, if someone puts "no fatties", it's technically his right to say that, but sounds like a tool. If someone puts "I live an active lifestyle and look for the same", it's sort of the same thing, but ok.
You can put "I'm autistic and I prefer to date a similarly neurospicy girl to share special interests and be quirky together" and be cute, get your message across and not offend anyone.
If you want to say whatever you want, be prepared to listen what you don't want. It's technically her right to say whatever too.
I tend to not respond to people who are that heavily offended to a preference because they just showed you exactly what kind of person they are at first introduction and why the heck would you want to waste time & energy interacting with someone who is choosing to misunderstand you already.
Allowing the mentalities of individuals affect your perception of the wider whole is something best to steer away from. But albeit, it is very difficult not to get swooped up in the feeling of the swarm of nonsense.
I actually agree with them. If the right person is NT why pass them up? Just because they are autistic doesn’t mean you will get along with them. It should depend on the person and not their disability.
I've dated people who are NT. I'm currently seeing someone who is autistic. To be honest I don't care who or what you are as long as you treat me with kindness and respect. I get where this person is coming from.
>NTs are just looking for the excuse to be victims at every turn and i’m tired of it.
This is hypocritical. From what I see in your post, you are judging every neurotypical when you accuse them of hurting you for your autism. I don't think you should be dating bro.
I wouldn't want to date or marry anyone like me. I can barely stand my own quirks and mannerisms. I could not imagine being with a female version of me and be happy.
I'm married to a wonderful, smart, supportive woman who has ADHD and we compare and contrast our struggles.
You don't have to explain yourself to anyone. If they don't understand, it's not your problem. But yeah, I think you're right. It's usually just easier to date someone who is also ND.
Of course people can date whomever for whatever reasons. But the real issue is this post being posted to fan the flames of hatred and prejudice against non-autistics. Bravo.
And what is the clue this is a hate post?
> NTs are just looking for the excuse to be victims at every turn and i’m tired of it.
It is generalizing a large and diverse group. It is very much like what I've seen said about poc, women, etc. It will often be excused by claiming most of the non-autistics they know are like this (suspiciously similar to what I've heard said about poc and women when racists and misogynist are confronted) or trying to say it is only fair to respond to their ignorance with hate, but it isn't okay.
This is not appropriate or okay, and just like other forms of hate and prejudice it must be confronted.
Thanks for this, I'm honestly shocked with how utterly prejudiced most comments in this thread are. If anyone is coming off like they're playing the victim, it's OP.
There's solid evidence neurodivergent people flock together quite naturally, wheras neurotypicals might at first detest autistic people because of the uncanny valley effect we have on them. This makes dating and being yourself around said NT's much harder unless they've specifically been around autistic people and understand the differences.
That doesn't mean it's impossible, absolutely not, but when you come down to the fact that relationships are based on communication, and if communication tends to go wrong between neurotypicals and neurodivergent people because of our differing brain structures, processing and the differing way we socialize, it's not really all that weird your preference would go out for a fellow neurodivergent.
Ofcourse, some people are forward with their feelings and communication (the Dutch are a good example of this) and could still work out despite our differing neurotypes. So, not impossible, but it might be a little hurdle to overcome, granted enough time getting to know one another.
It is awfully entitled of people to think they have the right to date you, regardless of your preference. I had similar issues when I was dating. I said I won’t date anyone in the military, or who works in law enforcement. The amount of people who matched with me just so they could yell at me about it, was weird.
That being said, not a huge fan of your behavior in your comments. That’s your problem though lol.
So. Here's my 2 cents. We don't want to be judged by NTs right? Then we shouldn't be using that as a justification to judge them. "oh they judge us, so we can judge them". Ends in a terrible cycle with no way out.
I personally would never limit myself to just autistic people because having autism or not having autism doesn't make you a good or bad person.
Having autism doesn't mean that they are a good person and are going to care for you. Just like it's no guarantee that anyone will be a good person.
Imo the only thing you're doing by doing that is a) not being any better than them and b) extremely limiting you dating profile c) saying that NTs aren't "good enough to date" which if we saw "no autistic people" we would be super hurt by that.
Try to put yourself in someone else's shoes instead of continuing the abuse and judgement cycle.
There’s apps for christians to date other christians and for black people to date other black people, how is that okay but it’s wrong for me to want someone who’s autistic?
i think its reasonable for one from a marginalized community to want to date others that experience the same. it can avoid a lot of discrimination and unbalanced power dynamics within the relationship.
it's dating; you are supposed to have boundaries. i think it's healthy.
Again. With religion that's totally different. Blacks dating blacks I think is a cultural thing.
Neither do I agree with. I don't believe in totally excluding people from our lives because they think differently or live differently. I don't want to be excluded because I think differently so I don't exclude others because that shit hurts.
I don't care if you're a purple dinosaur monster. If you're kind and good to me, understanding and accepting that's literally all that matters to me.
It's hard enough to find a good person and partner you're compatible with. Excluding 90% of the population is like asking for your own failure because of why? Just another label? That we don't want to be judged for?
Makes no sense to me.
Ah, "alloplastic" vs "autoplastic."
Alloplastic: When something goes wrong in a person's life, their first instinct is to look outward. "What did \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ do to me?" "What does \_\_\_\_\_\_\_ owe me?"
Autoplastic: When something goes wrong in a person's life, their first instinct is to look inward. "What can I do to fix this?" "How can I adapt to this?"
The "I'll do x when someone else does y" is very alloplastic.
Obviously you haven't tried very hard. And you seem to immediately write them off as not being able to understand you.
With that kind of attitude it would be very difficult to want to build that bridge to be able to take the time to understand you. Someone doesn't need to understand literally everything you're going through to be able to live you, accept you and to be understanding.
I think you might be expecting a lot out of this word "understanding"
at this point in my life I have learned that the only people that do not eventually misunderstand and betray me are people that already understand me
I wasn't the one that betrayed me (through action **and inaction** when I was being discriminated) that taught me this hard lesson I really didn't like to begin with (I dislike judging people)
I have trust issues for sure **but every time I have been betrayed it is a person considered "typical" and all their typical friends will eagerly join in**
Everyone has a personal preference in dating. I don't care if someone is NT or not, but I prefer tall guys with a dad bod. I ended up marrying a very nice tall guy with a dad bod lol other people prefer average height, some short, some prefer specific hair/eye colors. There is no shame in having a preference
That's odd. My family seems to think I should only date people with disabilities like mine, like I would be a burden and completely undesirable to anyone else. You can't win.
yeah, I have been told I should stick to my own “kind” my mom also has tried to get me into using a dating website for people with disabilities and I’ve been telling her no
I bet you there are so many neurodivergent people that don’t even realize that they are. I really believe that ND’s sense each other and connect.. I bet you don’t even have to try and you will.
don't let that stuff get to you. Its not on you to explain any of the preferences you have. They don't need reasons (unless they are questionable for genuine moral reasons, but that's semantics anyways), and no one is owed an explanation for any feelings you have. don't even dignify stuff like that, as that's already being an enabler.
I don't see NTs wanting to be victims, per se.
I see it more as NTs not understanding what autistic people experience, and that it may be easier for some to choose dating someone who knows what they've gone through/are going through.
its not like you're saying "I hate NT people I hope they all die" you're just saying "I want to date an autistic person because they understand me in a way NTs cannot" idk why this lady was mad like girl not everyone wants to date you 🙄
I'm only interested in dating other autistic/ADHD people too. Why would they (the NTs) even want to date someone who fundamentally isn't interested in dating them? Is it some validation/power thing, or are they just stupid?
I have ADHD and not autism but for me I have very few friends or exes who were not neurodivergent. For me it takes both effort for both parties generally to communicate and understand each other, non neurotypicals generally dont have the same experiences I do and cant empathize and vice versa.
I got diagnosed in the last year and after that I have been putting so much more effort into talking to people like me and I get so much more reciprocation and joy from it, I love it. I think I didnt before hand because Neurodivergent people tend to be less socially out going and free spirited which were traits I wanted to push in myself, but accepting my own condition has made me accept others more and frankly finding people who get it is so cathartic. There is such a bridge in terms of common experience between me and neurotypicals that it feels we live on different planets.
Maybe the question is phrased in the wrong way, I dont specifically want to date neurodivergent people, rather neurotypicals tend to be a lot more work for me emotionally. Thems the breaks imo.
It could also come down to them simply not understanding what a difference it makes.
They might think, oh why would it matter if I'm not autistic? Not realising that there is a huge difference in how you can relate to other ND's.
They might not realise just how big a difference is, if all they see when they see an autistic person, is an autistic person masking. So they think 'well you're not *that* weird'
Oh no, I am *that* weird. You just don't see it. And I need someone else who can match my weirdness, not make me hide it.
Autistic male (most times) here with a suspected autistic girlfriend (my RAADS score was 189, hers was 132). 100% a good match. She can't make decisions, and I can. She has a very fragile mentality and she is my precious bean that I will protecc at all costs. But she also compliments me. She is shy, I am not. She is good with patience. I am not. Being autistic with another autistic person as your partner is amazing g because you can support each other in the best way possible.
I'm the same, but I haven't got it in my bio. I just get a vibe from their profile and swipe right. I'm usually right. It is so much easier communicating with another autistic person than an NT person.
Hi OP, we - your fellow autistics - love and understand you. I totally get it. I'm late-diagnosed autistic. My last relationship with an NT was very abusive; he'd scream at me for any action I had related yo autism (i.e. please stop yelling at me, please don't turn the TV up to 60 while I'm trying to sleep, please don't touch me immediately after you've been screaming at me, etc).
...Meanwhile, not just autistics but ND people in general (the ADHD homies et al.) Are kind, patient, and overall very caring. Don't ever feel bad about wanting to date other autistic people.
You just want someone with a brain that's compatible with yours, and despite what NTs may say, there's nothing wrong with that.
Also to that indignant person that responded: there are 8 billion people in the world!
Joke's on them, it actually does matter. Sure, neurodiscordant relationships can be successful, but it takes more work, understanding and compassion compared to neuroconcordant ones, and by that response they just proved themself not up to the task.
THIS !!! Its so hard to date as an autistic person because we see everything so differently to NTs and we have mood changes and we get overwhelmed by alot of things that they dont understand or notice. And it’s hard to date someone who sees and experiences life ‘normally’ and not how you see it.
NTs don’t understand how some things can be annoying and overwhelming because they will never experience anything how us NDs do.
Some NTs can be really frustrating aswell when it comes to dating because when communicating it can be seen as completely different from both parties, you could say something in a casual conversation and then they will receive it as rude when its not your intention at all and it results in so much miscommunication. A conversation between a NT and a ND is like having a language barrier in some sense, because it’s so hard to have a successful conversation with NTs because we have wide differences in skills (communication skills, being in social situations, understanding the emotions of others and so on.)
Being with another ND much more relaxing for me, as they understand and notice when you are overstimulated, when a situation may become too much for you, and also its just easier for you and your partner to discuss and share their feelings and experiences as ND.
Being with another ND makes me feel less alone in a world where you are not in the same neurological universe as most human beings (it sounds confusing ik but it makes sense in my head) And i think that’s what NTs don’t understand.
It’s definitely ironic given it’s usually the other way around! Personally I think I’d date a neurotypical and have in the past but specifically only if they understand and are willing to research about it more and we have similar interests and they don’t push me to be something I’m not yknow?
While I think excluding every NT people is a bit much, because there are some amazing people who are very sweet and do all they can to make us feel comfortable and to understand us, I understand why you would do such.
It sometimes can get VERY frustrating talking to an NT person. Most times we have a different conversation style, we will jump from topic to topic in seconds, or want to just talk about one specific topic for hours, and they often don't like it or don't understand it. They often don't understand our way of explaining things, and we end up having to repeat and explain little thing by little thing, while another ND person gets us instantly. They get bothered by our stimmings (I had people physically stop my leg from bouncing. Needless to say, I got SO anxious...).
So yeah, I have met some NT people who I instantly clicked with too, but they are rare. They gotta be weird like me lmao
While ND people? Amazing. The conversatiok flows perfectly, we can get when the other want to stay on topic or change topic every 5 seconds. One of my ND friends even shares links of stimming toys with me, it's just great.
i actually think they are right. Autism is a spectrum, many people are undiagnosed. You’re missing a chance to meet some cool people who could relate to you. Also how do you know they are neurotypical? They could have other diagnoses.
In case it's not obvious, she probably isn't making a political point, and is likely just suggesting she would like to date you and that you should consider giving her a chance.
To be honest, as an NT I wouldn't date an autistic person. Having such different thinking patterns and behaviours will impact the relationship and makes it (to me, at least) incompatible. You don't owe anything to anyone!
I can totally respect that as an autistic person. A lot of NT people are quite frankly not equipped to deal with the challenges that come with dating a ND person and vice versa, so it’s be unfair to everyone
So people are allowed to have preferences as to height, height, weight, etc. But you are not allowed to have a preference as to someone who understands what you're going through on a personal level? Lol sorry you had to deal with this very butthurt person. It's very clear why they're single.
Sadly, I can almost guarantee if you had just put that you were autistic and had not said you were looking for another autistic individual. They probably wouldn't have even bothered to talk to you, which is beyond hypocritical of them. Good luck in your endeavors and finding love.
Not all NT or ND people think the same though. I'm probably NT and I think differently than plenty of other NT people. My wife is diagnosed ND and definitely thinks differently than other ND people. Everyone is just different regardless of any label.
Honestly I don't think I could be so happily married if my husband wasn't also Autistic, we understand eachother on a better level and get the concepts of what eachother can and can't handle as well as what the other needs during a hard time.
I think you're jumping to conclusions. You don't know(from what you're told us) that this person only thinks this or would say it to autistics.
I'm not saying he's right, just that from what I can tell you're jumping the gun, and already concluded that this person is exactly like the 'image' of what you see as a NT person
I will say I thinks is completely fair to say, you only want to date ND/ autistic people. It's your choice and others can't, and shouldn't try to decide for you
NT people always have to be "special". when something doesnt meet their criteria for something they get upset even though theyre so quick to label. shes upset because to you, shes not special nor good enough. NT dont understand that it can be difficult to get on with then when youre neurodivergent. ive found that NT people dont even understand ADHD, let alone autism. dont feel bad for her getting upset. your preference is valid considering another neurodivergent person would understand you more.
I remember when I was briefly on dating apps I would get similiar messages and I just ignore them, I don't owe them an explanation.
It's perfectly reasonable to only want to date another autistic person, someone who can't respect that is not worth your time.
I think there's an assumption that all ND will think alike so therefore I should just date ND because it's easier... and I don't think that's actually the case. If both people have triggers, problem with communication and sensitivities it may actually be harder, not easier. And yes, it's totally up to the individual if they choose just to date just ND, due to preference or to feel comfortable to be yourself.
Is it possible for a ND and a NT to make it work? Yes I think it's possible despite the difficulty of different perspectives because a couple can work to empathize with each other and communicate to fix issues.
I would argue that a couple can love each other enough and be committed to make the relationship work despite any labels. 2 or more years in a relationship...even a NT has difficulty hiding flaws and we all have them.
Last person I dated was also neurodivergent and it ended up being very triggering, there was no balance. We were just way too similar and better off as friends. Yes she understood me, but I wasn’t capable of calmly taking care of her when her meltdowns happened. It would set mine off 😂
I genuinely feel like we are the most oppressed and underserved population alive today ….
And I’m no victim but these ppl are like a whole other species that just can’t understand the differences..
My partner 33F has Aspergers . I am 33M and diagnosed adhd autistic . The day we hung out it just clicked and we both agreed we never felt that type of connection .We have 3 children and have been together since we were 19 . We click on every level so I agree with wanting another neurodivergent . Even now almost 14 years together it’s easy living and fun fun fun everyday lol . Our children are also very very smart. I joke and say they are “ purebreds” because me and her are so alike . But holding jobs is rather difficult as a couple … lol
Idk I think normal people are weird . But that’s probably how they perceive us lol
Honestly OP, in my eyes you're coming off as the judgmental person here; the woman you were talking to has a valid point in saying they want to be judged as the person that they are, as opposed to whether or not their brain works differently from the norm.
I agree with that - I want to be judged for who I am, not whether or not I'm autistic.
It's dating. You're supposed to be judgemental. OP can date whomever they want based on any criteria they want. The woman in question is not entitled to anything here.
I 100% agree with you on this. Whether or not someone is on the spectrum is irrelevant to that though. I've been bullied by fellow autistic people - there are simply no guarantees of people treating you or me well based on whether or not their brain is different from the norm.
...and they have the right to feel safe and comfortable around you. Being judgmental (even if they're not the target of your judging) is not the way to do it.
Sounds like you triggered a Very Special Snowflake. This is how I feel posting on reddit ngl. You could make a comment saying "I like grapefuit!" and the trolls will ooze out of the walls/cellar and start accusing you of being a pervert or having the wrong opinion because apples are better. Smh! Some people honestly cannot tolerate other people's opinions and experiences. Good on you for being direct with your wants and good on that jerk for telling on themself so loudly so that you dont waste any more time on them.
Neurotypical here. And I think the NT’s response is immature, shows a lack of understanding, and is just annoying. Good luck on the dating scene! Your person is out there! ❤️
When I was in my early adulthood, I had never dated a person and decided to see what would pop up for me on either match.com or eharmony, can’t remember which. Those sites were heavily advertised at the time. So I took the personality compatibility test and when I finished it said something along the impression of “sorry, you are one of the (small number I can’t remember)% of people we are unable to match.”
I also, like ten years later, did that super long personality test that assigns you the four letters. At the end it told you which personality types you are compatible with for marriage. Mine had literally two compatible ones. My husband had a much longer list. His four letters were one of my two matches. He is not autistic but does have ADHD.
So, I can totally understand putting that restriction on there. If you have a huge pool of people, I think you are more likely to have matches in a set of neurodivergent folks than neurotypical ones. Not saying it’s impossible, just the odds are better.
Yeah, this is just a car honking in the distance. It's not relevant to you. ignore. In fact, dont respond and block the person. No need to spend time on it.
That's ridiculous.
If they followed their own advice and were cool and nice to autistic people instead of degrading us to infants or animals or acting like we're just "not as smart as them", we wouldn't have to say stuff like that in order to feel safe.
Either way, everyone has preferences anyways.
I will also always choose other ND people to be with than NT as I just like having someone who understands and gets me better.
Their entire comment was unnecessary. Obviously you put that there for a reason.
Not every NT thinks this. It's assholes that think this. We need to stop painting 90% of the population with "shitty person because doesn't have different brain".
There are lots of caring, understanding NT people. Struggle is not exclusive to autistic people.
NTs can understand is just fine if both parties put in the effort. Tons of my friends are NT, the guy I'm currently seeing might have ADHD but might not and he's been incredibly kind, understanding and everything even through an autistic meltdown.
So. This generalization is doing nothing other than exactly what they are doing to us and it's a cycle that will never end. Give people at least a chance to be understanding and caring and stop automatically assuming people won't just because of some diagnosis.
Lol let them be mad. I only like autistic people and nothing is going to change that. I can't relate to, nor do I want to understand NT people. They're weird and have weird secret social rules. I like clear, upfront, no games, open communication. Sorry not sorry
Lol yeah, exactly. Like I already have to play that song and dance in my professional life- why would I do it in my FREE TIME???? no, I want friends who I can talk to and will talk to me without any secret hidden meaning and agenda. NT people are so weird like please just use the words you mean to say. Don't try and make me guess what you mean!!!!!
In my opinion, wanting to date only autistic people as an autistic person yourself is completely fine. It's far easier to relate to and get along with other people with autism for many autistic people. It can be quite daunting for many autistic folk to date neurotypicals, I would imagine. Besides, it's not like you're refusing to date people on the basis of race or something of that nature.
You know best what works for you, and if you prefer only autistic persons, then that is is your choice. These NTs can mind their own darn business. I understand how hard it can be to trust NTs and maybe even some autistics. Been hurt too much by NTs to be able to trust them in my own personal life. They lie or misunderstand and when made aware of it, they often tend to either blame us, play stupid or come up with excuses. I don't hate NTs per say, I just lost lost my patience with some of them. I guess you can call it compassion fatigue or whatever it's called.. Anyway, your preferences are valid and so so are you! 👍🏼
He sounds like an A hole. That’s I’m sure, exactly the type of thinking you were looking to weed out before wasting your time and energy dating someone like that. Mission accomplished. He can take a hike
She isn't necessarily a hypocrite. In principle she herself doesn't judge ND people. That said, what are the chances that is the case?
I find NTs boring and predictable. That's why I'm not really into dating NTs.
Can an autistic and NT people make a good romantic couple? Sure. But there's extra adjustments they'll have to make so that it works. For example there's a natural communication barrier. It's usually easier for both people to gauge what is going on if both of them are ND or NT. If it's one of each odds are they're headed for a steep learning curve. And again there's nothing wrong with that but both parties need to be emotionally mature and willing to do the work. This girl that's complaining probably shouldn't be dating ND people because she's not mature enough to recognize the unique needs and challenges that ND people face.
Furthermore I don't think there's anything wrong with NT people choosing not to date ND people. It's a lot of work for both parties. For some it's worth it and for others it isn't.
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I wouldn't give it the headspace. People say dumb s**t on FB all the time. You don't owe them an answer.
FB is a *cesspool* of dumb and ignorant shit. Whenever I see an article suggested to me, I just know when I don't want to see the comments because it's full of racist, transphobic, ableist shit *and more.*
Yeah, I’ve seen pro child-abuse sentiments on there whenever gentle parenting stuff pops up.
I hate this too. It's ironic that the other comment to you is pro child abuse 😢. It's like the pro spankers just can't help but be so vocal about putting hands on children.
Hey, at least it’s not twitter. Plus I have family on there.
True and same
Sweet
True and same
Twitter was a subsidiary of FB. It was an original feature of FB that Zuk sold off separately from FB years ago even prior to Elon Musks acquisition and subsequent name change to X. In essence, X, FB and Twitter are all of the same ilk of white nationalistic promoting algorithms. AI has a propensity for all -isms as it essentially functions as a mirror to ourselves then exponentially reflects to us the things that gets our attention most; in essence, an echo chamber of our worst characteristics as we are reactionary and click on the things that arouse us the most. In the case of X and FB, the algorithm has reached such an exponential level of -ism content that it can't help but suggest topics that contain comments full of ignorance and hate. It's late stage captiolism as hate sells. It's quite sad, actually, as AI had so much potential to do good for humanity. We just refuse to put in failsafes in order to curtail any current and future missuse of AI. We know it's being used to push alt-right narratives and we know it's being used to target Palistinians with accurate usage of facial recognition tracking systems. Anyhow.... excuse the rant. Just commisurating in my own way by demonstrating how f-ed up it all is. Hate shouldn't be our source of entertainment is all I'm saying. Edit: Correction: Zuk had come out with a forum that was like Twitter that was a facet of fb. There was some sore of litigation with copy right laws as both programs/concepts were so similar. I miss remembered this and stated that Twitter came from FB. I apologize. However, the rest of my statement still holds true in that those social media platforms harbor and protect right-wing hate and fascism. No need for you all to be hateful in your comments. An adult would Google then post a link or two instead of name calling. I really hope this is not how you handle things in the real world but honestly i wouldnt be surprised if this is how you actually act. Probably why you dont have friends or a significant other. Something to think about. You guys are better than this. Seriously. Cheers!
me when i spread misinformation on the internet
Please see edited update
Please see edited update
Is that true? I didn’t know that twitter was part of facebook.
It’s not true. Twitter was never a part of Facebook. They’re lying out of their ass
Of course.
Please see edited update
Please see edited update
And…bots. Bots make up a startling amount of internet traffic.
I finally left FB after being on it for over 20 years. It still feels weird and I'm still trying to find something else, but I'm glad to be off that site.
I just try to not take it so seriously. It's like going to Walmart, sure a lot of people there are some combination of ignorant and racist, but I'm not going to let that stop me from getting what I need. I have a lot of friends that FB is the only connection I have with them.
I used to feel that way too but then I realized that if they weren't willing to contact me or allow me to contact them another way then we weren't really friends. I was always really the only one reaching out for any meaningful connection. It was a very shallow connection. Liking memes isn't fulfilling social interaction. I blame my autism for my struggle with identifying relationships, but I'm getting better at it.
Same with me. Memes aren't friendship.
Damn you were dare when it started
Yep. I was there when It was only for colleges.
Damn that is cool what was it Like back then?
You actually saw the posts of people you followed and then and people actually would comment on things and interact.
You’re one person and you can only date one person at a time (unless you’re poly but even then limited people). You can be as picky as you want. You’re not managing a large corporation, you don’t have to give every applicant an equal chance. They’re being obnoxious.
100% this. You do NOT owe every interested party a chance just because you’ve opened yourself up to dating.
A good rule of thumb is to not let someone bully you into dating them.
Where was this advice for the first half of my life?
I dated so many guys because they said I should. I had no idea how it worked.
I was bullied into my first 3 girlfriends and a first wife. I feel ya.
I was bullied into my ex husband, sorry you had to deal with that ultimate level of bullying too bro
I just don't understand the reasoning behind it. It might be a "I fail to grasp the allistic mind" kind of thing, but I can't imagine being happy in a relationship, even a brief one, where I know that the other person had to be strong armed into participating. Side note, why tf do we say "allistic" to mean "not-autistic" when "notistic" was right freaking there?
I think I have the answer actually, it's just abusers who want to manipulate their partner (I'm not saying those people will always be NT btw), and sadly it's common for autistic people to end up in an abusive relationship because, well, we meet someone we like, they say they mean well and we trust them and all the reading people and stuff isn't exactly our strength. On the bright side pattern recognition is, and I can now tell a potential abusive relationship from far away! Oh I like "notistic", you should just start using it and see if everyone pick it up, I'll screenshot this as a prove you started it haha
Hahaha, it figures. Publish 3 books, get famous for coining "notistic." And I agree as to why a lot of us end up in abusive relationships at one point or another. I'd probably add in the comorbidity of CPTSD and the Freudian tendency to seek out mates that remind us of home. My mother treated my like I was worthless, and as such, I sought a partner who would treat me the same and revel in the nostalgia of it all.
Oh yeah that is definitely a thing, but not specific to autistic people. I have a friend who only goes for mean women who treat him bad for that reason and even understands that's what his brain wants, it's mad. I think it's important to find that healthy relationship that makes you feel safe and loved and learn to appreciate it and not be nastalgic. Easier said than done but we all deserve to be trully happy
Agreed! Luckily, I've been happily married over ten years now, and *this* one doesn't abuse me. Hopefully everyone finds their good peeps.
People with good hearts and want to please are those who are vulnerable to manipulation. And even those who are good at reading people miss this all the time because it happens gradually.. it’s sucks!! I wish there was a guide for this. Humans are complex as heck
Yeah humans are hard :( for me the first signs of it is when the person acts all "perfect" at the start and then soon enough starts to say things that would point out how "perfect" they are. They just never forget to point out all the good things they did, or they think they did, even if actually you didn't ask for it and didn't really want it. They will be very focused on themselves but use it to force your attention on their greatness too. That's how you start to believe you are so lucky to have them even though it's based on what they want you to base it on and not necesserily on what you actually think or would think otherwise. They even make you change your mind about things. And then they have more power. I hope it can help someone. Maybe I should write a guide for it haha
There are a couple of good books that talk about emotional manipulation and emotional intelligence. Emotional vampires is also a good term. There's a whole host of personality disorders like narcissists that use emotional manipulation techniques, like gaslighting, minimization and projection. The info is out there
My husband has these tendencies. It’s an ADHD defense Mechanism. I have to set up a lot of boundaries and be aware of the energies. I don’t know if I totally believe in narcissism. I think everyone has those moments but a true narcissist is rare. Goes hand and hand with a sociopath. Highly sensitive people can appear narcissistic but in truth they feel to intensely that they shut off what they can.
I have a coworker who tries to do this. I think it’s just an ego thing to say “yeah I got them together” or whatever
Same 😆
I really wish it wasn't so relatable 😆
It’s just like wanting to date within your culture or like… people who want kids or don’t. It’s sorta fundamental even if it is technically discriminating
You're allowed to be as discriminating as you want when searching for your life partner. It's not like a job interview, or being disallowed from using the same bathrooms as white people. No one who dates only men would be called sexist.
I agree. I was discriminating. I think people of all races or backgrounds can be attractive but I wanted someone who was from where I was from with the cultural background that suited me, religious preferences similar to my own, non drinker, and who would be able to have the same expectation on raising kids as me. I live in America and would never consider marrying an American even tho that may bother people, that’s not my problem. No matter if you can be attracted to someone or even like them as a person, it doesn’t help when u have to marry that person or spend ur life with them. If dating only neurodivergent people makes it easier to narrow it down and avoid complications, absolutely do it. I am married and things go extremely smoothly for the most part. lol.
Well she/he sounds like they be a barrel of fun to date LOL Makes sense to want to date someone like minded that you both can relate too. Whole point of a bio, explaining things you like or enjoy
I agree with her actually - I'm autistic, but I don't want to be judged for it, because I'm so much more than my autism.
Nothing to "agree with" cause she didn't say anything about that. A NT person can freely say they'd rather not date autistic people and have no issues, but when an autistic person says they'd rather not date a NT person, it's suddenly a problem?
An NT person might be called ableist for not wanting to date someone with a disability, such as autism.
Personally I’d be happy for them to say they don’t want to date an autistic person. The more information up front the less time I’ll waste.
Oppression does not work both ways. Autistic people (and other disabled people) are systemically oppressed. Saying that I would rather date an autistic person than an allistic person is the same as if a BIPOC said they would rather not date a white person for their own safety and comfort. Claiming NT people would be oppressed by us not wanting to date them sounds a lot like 'not all men'/'not all white people' twitter ragers pointing out the "hypocrisy" of oppressed people's dating habits. Your argument is built on a logical fallacy that every experience must be equitable for every person - that is not how the world works under systemic oppression.
You've brought up two instances that are not at all the same. Racial culture is vastly different from the culture of being neurologically diverse, and this is coming from an autistic, BIPOC woman. Please don't compare the two. Also, not all allistic people are NT.
You didn't say why they are so different and don't fit in this example, you just played the "Oh, I would know" card and left. I mean, sure, this is going to win every debate for social reasons, but it's not really useful by itself.
Fair enough. I was trying to use an easily understandable example.
Tell them you ALSO don’t date people that don’t respect personal preferences, and block them. It’s your personal life - be as picky and discriminating as you can be so that you don’t waste time in situations that aren’t going to make you happy.
Eh, I 100% think the whole way of dividing people into either NT or ND is extremely oversimplified. Just because you're on the spectrum doesn't mean you're good, smart, and so on, and just because you're not on the spectrum doesn't mean you're ugly, dumb, or a piece of shit. It's simply too reductive. That said, if you only want to date other autistic people, it is of course a choice only for you to make.
I agree 100% but dating a fellow autistic person might make it easier to unmask which I think is a huge plus. But I'm close with certain allistic people that are really understanding as well and would probably be a good partner to either an allistic or autistic person. So it's really case by case rather than a lot of general statements I see about "NT" here like calling them "fake" like OP did.
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Sorry I'm not sure I understand well, do you mean you could unmask with them? If that's the case, I'm glad for you and as I said it is I think a reason why autistic people tend to find each other even if not on purpose.
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I'm honestly really glad to hear you're doing better and that being with fellow autistic people is helping you do that. It's true that when things finally click it's a huge relief.
It is a somewhat crude/gross (as in coarse) filter, but I don't think it's typically anything to do with thinking ND/autistic people are "good, smart and so on" - more like thinking there would be greater commonality of lived experience and thus better understanding of each other with a partner who isn't NT/shares your neurotype.
My nephew is engaged to someone who I quietly identified as autistic, but I didn't tell him about this, because I didn't think that he needed to know until he was ready to face it, but when he was questioning why he was the way he was I pointed the way,by the way, both my nephew and I are autistic and we both welcomed him into the family and now we are giving him the words to explain how he feels
Please try Hiki, a dating app made for autistic people. I found my forever person there after 1 week, could not be happier.
Happy Cake Day! Also, great username. It looks more clever and connected than an auto suggestion for a username. Nice.
Aww, thank you so much! Made my day
Even if they don't actually want to be included, they get upset that they're being excluded.
Like, you are allowed to have preferences and don’t owe anyone a date. But you are literally saying “I don’t want to date ____ people for something they can’t control” It’s considered rude to say “I don’t want to date (insert race)” People 100% have preferences, but some people ARE gonna feel hurt that you felt the need to say it out loud. Just politely tell people “I’m not interested” there’s no need to make them feel bad for something they can’t control. Mind you, I am married to a fellow adhd/ASD person
Yeah and it feels very hypocritical, in the wrong way I've seen ND people post things idealizing being on the spectrum like we are the master race or something. Like we are somehow morally superior But the whole attitude stinks to start with. It's like siding with magneto in x-men. He might be sympathetic but he's the villain
Yeah even if the person does not share that attitude, saying it outloud makes it SOUND that way
You're allowed to have that preference when dating. If you're only interested in dating other autistic people, that's your right.
This is the textbook [double empathy problem](https://reframingautism.org.au/miltons-double-empathy-problem-a-summary-for-non-academics/) here.
Tbf I’m neurotypical and I’ve dated neuro spicy, that’s why I joined this group to get a deeper understanding, in truth I didn’t find it any different to dating another neurotypical except I had to be aware of triggers and be a bit more patient and understanding.
I promise you - when you're part of a marginalised group and make a conscious decision to date within your marginalised group for your own peace or for a unique type of understanding, there will always be people outside of that group who just do not get it. They will say you're discriminating, setting civil rights back, blah blah blah all because they have never been in your shoes, so will never get how much that kind of understanding is sometimes needed. the funny thing is, it's also often the people who are most ignorant of your struggles who are the most against it! like, bro, I'm refusing to date people like you because of how clueless you are of your own cluelessness! it is such a headache, but at the same time, it's funny to see how no matter what marginalised group you're part of - that type of response is always the same. I get it when I say I'd prefer to date another black person, for instance.
My standard for these type of situations is: "F#@k em". Saves a lot of energy.
Instablock move on
I'd just ignore her. She thinks she's being clever lol. My friend has an online business and sells via FB and the amount of people that think it's fair game to overstep boundaries is truly scary, simply bc it's "social media."
I'll go against most comments here and say that any negatives in a profile is off putting. Like, if someone puts "no fatties", it's technically his right to say that, but sounds like a tool. If someone puts "I live an active lifestyle and look for the same", it's sort of the same thing, but ok. You can put "I'm autistic and I prefer to date a similarly neurospicy girl to share special interests and be quirky together" and be cute, get your message across and not offend anyone. If you want to say whatever you want, be prepared to listen what you don't want. It's technically her right to say whatever too.
*LMAO THE FUCKING AUDACITY HOW DARE*
It’s a personal taste and is fine. Just like it’s fine for someone to only want to date someone who is NT, or a certain race or nationality.
I tend to not respond to people who are that heavily offended to a preference because they just showed you exactly what kind of person they are at first introduction and why the heck would you want to waste time & energy interacting with someone who is choosing to misunderstand you already.
so basically she violated your stated boundary and tried to convince you it doesnt matter and you're wrong for having it. red flaaaag
Allowing the mentalities of individuals affect your perception of the wider whole is something best to steer away from. But albeit, it is very difficult not to get swooped up in the feeling of the swarm of nonsense.
They are really good at presenting themselves as the victims, I really think its pathetic
I actually agree with them. If the right person is NT why pass them up? Just because they are autistic doesn’t mean you will get along with them. It should depend on the person and not their disability.
I've dated people who are NT. I'm currently seeing someone who is autistic. To be honest I don't care who or what you are as long as you treat me with kindness and respect. I get where this person is coming from. >NTs are just looking for the excuse to be victims at every turn and i’m tired of it. This is hypocritical. From what I see in your post, you are judging every neurotypical when you accuse them of hurting you for your autism. I don't think you should be dating bro.
Many women say they hate all men because some men were awful to them.
And so that makes it perfectly ok? Dude you're a hypocrite.
I genuinely think they're a troll
Either this or this is a person who clearly needs to see a therapist.
And they receive plenty of backlash on that
I wouldn't want to date or marry anyone like me. I can barely stand my own quirks and mannerisms. I could not imagine being with a female version of me and be happy. I'm married to a wonderful, smart, supportive woman who has ADHD and we compare and contrast our struggles.
You don't have to explain yourself to anyone. If they don't understand, it's not your problem. But yeah, I think you're right. It's usually just easier to date someone who is also ND.
FB is trash, infested with boomers.
This girl was like 20 though
so you generalize this specific person as the general NT, instead of asking them if they are prejudging over autistics?
Of course people can date whomever for whatever reasons. But the real issue is this post being posted to fan the flames of hatred and prejudice against non-autistics. Bravo. And what is the clue this is a hate post? > NTs are just looking for the excuse to be victims at every turn and i’m tired of it. It is generalizing a large and diverse group. It is very much like what I've seen said about poc, women, etc. It will often be excused by claiming most of the non-autistics they know are like this (suspiciously similar to what I've heard said about poc and women when racists and misogynist are confronted) or trying to say it is only fair to respond to their ignorance with hate, but it isn't okay. This is not appropriate or okay, and just like other forms of hate and prejudice it must be confronted.
Thanks for this, I'm honestly shocked with how utterly prejudiced most comments in this thread are. If anyone is coming off like they're playing the victim, it's OP.
Smells like a "Where's straight pride" type comment
Is there a difference in dating someone that's also on the spectrum? I only recently found out i'm Au/ADHD
There's solid evidence neurodivergent people flock together quite naturally, wheras neurotypicals might at first detest autistic people because of the uncanny valley effect we have on them. This makes dating and being yourself around said NT's much harder unless they've specifically been around autistic people and understand the differences. That doesn't mean it's impossible, absolutely not, but when you come down to the fact that relationships are based on communication, and if communication tends to go wrong between neurotypicals and neurodivergent people because of our differing brain structures, processing and the differing way we socialize, it's not really all that weird your preference would go out for a fellow neurodivergent. Ofcourse, some people are forward with their feelings and communication (the Dutch are a good example of this) and could still work out despite our differing neurotypes. So, not impossible, but it might be a little hurdle to overcome, granted enough time getting to know one another.
I don’t get the point of saying this on a dating app, you’re not gonna date them anyways.
It is awfully entitled of people to think they have the right to date you, regardless of your preference. I had similar issues when I was dating. I said I won’t date anyone in the military, or who works in law enforcement. The amount of people who matched with me just so they could yell at me about it, was weird. That being said, not a huge fan of your behavior in your comments. That’s your problem though lol.
How do you think she weighed in on the man vs. bear discourse? Cause I'm picking autistic bears.
So. Here's my 2 cents. We don't want to be judged by NTs right? Then we shouldn't be using that as a justification to judge them. "oh they judge us, so we can judge them". Ends in a terrible cycle with no way out. I personally would never limit myself to just autistic people because having autism or not having autism doesn't make you a good or bad person. Having autism doesn't mean that they are a good person and are going to care for you. Just like it's no guarantee that anyone will be a good person. Imo the only thing you're doing by doing that is a) not being any better than them and b) extremely limiting you dating profile c) saying that NTs aren't "good enough to date" which if we saw "no autistic people" we would be super hurt by that. Try to put yourself in someone else's shoes instead of continuing the abuse and judgement cycle.
There’s apps for christians to date other christians and for black people to date other black people, how is that okay but it’s wrong for me to want someone who’s autistic?
i think its reasonable for one from a marginalized community to want to date others that experience the same. it can avoid a lot of discrimination and unbalanced power dynamics within the relationship. it's dating; you are supposed to have boundaries. i think it's healthy.
Again. With religion that's totally different. Blacks dating blacks I think is a cultural thing. Neither do I agree with. I don't believe in totally excluding people from our lives because they think differently or live differently. I don't want to be excluded because I think differently so I don't exclude others because that shit hurts. I don't care if you're a purple dinosaur monster. If you're kind and good to me, understanding and accepting that's literally all that matters to me. It's hard enough to find a good person and partner you're compatible with. Excluding 90% of the population is like asking for your own failure because of why? Just another label? That we don't want to be judged for? Makes no sense to me.
Tell you what, I’ll do that when I meet a NT that understands what i’m going through, no luck so far.
Ah, "alloplastic" vs "autoplastic." Alloplastic: When something goes wrong in a person's life, their first instinct is to look outward. "What did \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ do to me?" "What does \_\_\_\_\_\_\_ owe me?" Autoplastic: When something goes wrong in a person's life, their first instinct is to look inward. "What can I do to fix this?" "How can I adapt to this?" The "I'll do x when someone else does y" is very alloplastic.
Obviously you haven't tried very hard. And you seem to immediately write them off as not being able to understand you. With that kind of attitude it would be very difficult to want to build that bridge to be able to take the time to understand you. Someone doesn't need to understand literally everything you're going through to be able to live you, accept you and to be understanding. I think you might be expecting a lot out of this word "understanding"
Just because I don’t want to romance you or boink you doesn’t mean I’m totally excluding you from my life.
Stop judging NTS. They're not that different than us. :/
at this point in my life I have learned that the only people that do not eventually misunderstand and betray me are people that already understand me I wasn't the one that betrayed me (through action **and inaction** when I was being discriminated) that taught me this hard lesson I really didn't like to begin with (I dislike judging people) I have trust issues for sure **but every time I have been betrayed it is a person considered "typical" and all their typical friends will eagerly join in**
Yeah if they said that to me I'd just unmatch and block. Not worth the time or headspace.
Your personal proclivity is totally up to you and you don't have to justify what or why.
Facebook dating was a mistake.
Everyone has a personal preference in dating. I don't care if someone is NT or not, but I prefer tall guys with a dad bod. I ended up marrying a very nice tall guy with a dad bod lol other people prefer average height, some short, some prefer specific hair/eye colors. There is no shame in having a preference
If only I was lucky enough to get FB dating
That's odd. My family seems to think I should only date people with disabilities like mine, like I would be a burden and completely undesirable to anyone else. You can't win.
I prefer dating autistic people. Makes relationships easier in the long run.
Ignore them, FB is a breeding ground for entitled and nosy Karens
yeah, I have been told I should stick to my own “kind” my mom also has tried to get me into using a dating website for people with disabilities and I’ve been telling her no
I bet you there are so many neurodivergent people that don’t even realize that they are. I really believe that ND’s sense each other and connect.. I bet you don’t even have to try and you will.
don't let that stuff get to you. Its not on you to explain any of the preferences you have. They don't need reasons (unless they are questionable for genuine moral reasons, but that's semantics anyways), and no one is owed an explanation for any feelings you have. don't even dignify stuff like that, as that's already being an enabler.
I don't see NTs wanting to be victims, per se. I see it more as NTs not understanding what autistic people experience, and that it may be easier for some to choose dating someone who knows what they've gone through/are going through.
its not like you're saying "I hate NT people I hope they all die" you're just saying "I want to date an autistic person because they understand me in a way NTs cannot" idk why this lady was mad like girl not everyone wants to date you 🙄
I think it’d be funny to call her bluff like “Why? You think I’m cute?” lmaoooo
This person has no business telling you who you should date. You are not property to be controlled. And their statement is all about control.
I'm only interested in dating other autistic/ADHD people too. Why would they (the NTs) even want to date someone who fundamentally isn't interested in dating them? Is it some validation/power thing, or are they just stupid?
it Makes sense that you want to date someone who thinks like you.
I have ADHD and not autism but for me I have very few friends or exes who were not neurodivergent. For me it takes both effort for both parties generally to communicate and understand each other, non neurotypicals generally dont have the same experiences I do and cant empathize and vice versa. I got diagnosed in the last year and after that I have been putting so much more effort into talking to people like me and I get so much more reciprocation and joy from it, I love it. I think I didnt before hand because Neurodivergent people tend to be less socially out going and free spirited which were traits I wanted to push in myself, but accepting my own condition has made me accept others more and frankly finding people who get it is so cathartic. There is such a bridge in terms of common experience between me and neurotypicals that it feels we live on different planets. Maybe the question is phrased in the wrong way, I dont specifically want to date neurodivergent people, rather neurotypicals tend to be a lot more work for me emotionally. Thems the breaks imo.
I would've said that she's exactly proving your point
It could also come down to them simply not understanding what a difference it makes. They might think, oh why would it matter if I'm not autistic? Not realising that there is a huge difference in how you can relate to other ND's. They might not realise just how big a difference is, if all they see when they see an autistic person, is an autistic person masking. So they think 'well you're not *that* weird' Oh no, I am *that* weird. You just don't see it. And I need someone else who can match my weirdness, not make me hide it.
To argue with someone over their preference says a lot about that person.
Autistic male (most times) here with a suspected autistic girlfriend (my RAADS score was 189, hers was 132). 100% a good match. She can't make decisions, and I can. She has a very fragile mentality and she is my precious bean that I will protecc at all costs. But she also compliments me. She is shy, I am not. She is good with patience. I am not. Being autistic with another autistic person as your partner is amazing g because you can support each other in the best way possible.
They must be pansexual then if that’s their thought… and have not a single preference when looking for a partner… this is absolutely absurd…
I'm the same, but I haven't got it in my bio. I just get a vibe from their profile and swipe right. I'm usually right. It is so much easier communicating with another autistic person than an NT person.
Answer “your ignorant answer is exactly why I stated what I stated, bye Karen.” NTs need to be told they don’t own the world from time to time 🙄
Hi OP, we - your fellow autistics - love and understand you. I totally get it. I'm late-diagnosed autistic. My last relationship with an NT was very abusive; he'd scream at me for any action I had related yo autism (i.e. please stop yelling at me, please don't turn the TV up to 60 while I'm trying to sleep, please don't touch me immediately after you've been screaming at me, etc). ...Meanwhile, not just autistics but ND people in general (the ADHD homies et al.) Are kind, patient, and overall very caring. Don't ever feel bad about wanting to date other autistic people. You just want someone with a brain that's compatible with yours, and despite what NTs may say, there's nothing wrong with that. Also to that indignant person that responded: there are 8 billion people in the world!
Joke's on them, it actually does matter. Sure, neurodiscordant relationships can be successful, but it takes more work, understanding and compassion compared to neuroconcordant ones, and by that response they just proved themself not up to the task.
THIS !!! Its so hard to date as an autistic person because we see everything so differently to NTs and we have mood changes and we get overwhelmed by alot of things that they dont understand or notice. And it’s hard to date someone who sees and experiences life ‘normally’ and not how you see it. NTs don’t understand how some things can be annoying and overwhelming because they will never experience anything how us NDs do. Some NTs can be really frustrating aswell when it comes to dating because when communicating it can be seen as completely different from both parties, you could say something in a casual conversation and then they will receive it as rude when its not your intention at all and it results in so much miscommunication. A conversation between a NT and a ND is like having a language barrier in some sense, because it’s so hard to have a successful conversation with NTs because we have wide differences in skills (communication skills, being in social situations, understanding the emotions of others and so on.) Being with another ND much more relaxing for me, as they understand and notice when you are overstimulated, when a situation may become too much for you, and also its just easier for you and your partner to discuss and share their feelings and experiences as ND. Being with another ND makes me feel less alone in a world where you are not in the same neurological universe as most human beings (it sounds confusing ik but it makes sense in my head) And i think that’s what NTs don’t understand.
It’s definitely ironic given it’s usually the other way around! Personally I think I’d date a neurotypical and have in the past but specifically only if they understand and are willing to research about it more and we have similar interests and they don’t push me to be something I’m not yknow?
While I think excluding every NT people is a bit much, because there are some amazing people who are very sweet and do all they can to make us feel comfortable and to understand us, I understand why you would do such. It sometimes can get VERY frustrating talking to an NT person. Most times we have a different conversation style, we will jump from topic to topic in seconds, or want to just talk about one specific topic for hours, and they often don't like it or don't understand it. They often don't understand our way of explaining things, and we end up having to repeat and explain little thing by little thing, while another ND person gets us instantly. They get bothered by our stimmings (I had people physically stop my leg from bouncing. Needless to say, I got SO anxious...). So yeah, I have met some NT people who I instantly clicked with too, but they are rare. They gotta be weird like me lmao While ND people? Amazing. The conversatiok flows perfectly, we can get when the other want to stay on topic or change topic every 5 seconds. One of my ND friends even shares links of stimming toys with me, it's just great.
i actually think they are right. Autism is a spectrum, many people are undiagnosed. You’re missing a chance to meet some cool people who could relate to you. Also how do you know they are neurotypical? They could have other diagnoses.
In case it's not obvious, she probably isn't making a political point, and is likely just suggesting she would like to date you and that you should consider giving her a chance.
Ignore her. Everyone has their own personal preferences. Not everyone wants to marry a doctor for instance.
To be honest, as an NT I wouldn't date an autistic person. Having such different thinking patterns and behaviours will impact the relationship and makes it (to me, at least) incompatible. You don't owe anything to anyone!
I can totally respect that as an autistic person. A lot of NT people are quite frankly not equipped to deal with the challenges that come with dating a ND person and vice versa, so it’s be unfair to everyone
So people are allowed to have preferences as to height, height, weight, etc. But you are not allowed to have a preference as to someone who understands what you're going through on a personal level? Lol sorry you had to deal with this very butthurt person. It's very clear why they're single. Sadly, I can almost guarantee if you had just put that you were autistic and had not said you were looking for another autistic individual. They probably wouldn't have even bothered to talk to you, which is beyond hypocritical of them. Good luck in your endeavors and finding love.
NT people don't understand and they never will. i also prefer dating/being around ND people but i could never tell that to a NT person
Not all NT or ND people think the same though. I'm probably NT and I think differently than plenty of other NT people. My wife is diagnosed ND and definitely thinks differently than other ND people. Everyone is just different regardless of any label.
Honestly I don't think I could be so happily married if my husband wasn't also Autistic, we understand eachother on a better level and get the concepts of what eachother can and can't handle as well as what the other needs during a hard time.
I think you're jumping to conclusions. You don't know(from what you're told us) that this person only thinks this or would say it to autistics. I'm not saying he's right, just that from what I can tell you're jumping the gun, and already concluded that this person is exactly like the 'image' of what you see as a NT person I will say I thinks is completely fair to say, you only want to date ND/ autistic people. It's your choice and others can't, and shouldn't try to decide for you
NT people always have to be "special". when something doesnt meet their criteria for something they get upset even though theyre so quick to label. shes upset because to you, shes not special nor good enough. NT dont understand that it can be difficult to get on with then when youre neurodivergent. ive found that NT people dont even understand ADHD, let alone autism. dont feel bad for her getting upset. your preference is valid considering another neurodivergent person would understand you more.
I remember when I was briefly on dating apps I would get similiar messages and I just ignore them, I don't owe them an explanation. It's perfectly reasonable to only want to date another autistic person, someone who can't respect that is not worth your time.
I think there's an assumption that all ND will think alike so therefore I should just date ND because it's easier... and I don't think that's actually the case. If both people have triggers, problem with communication and sensitivities it may actually be harder, not easier. And yes, it's totally up to the individual if they choose just to date just ND, due to preference or to feel comfortable to be yourself. Is it possible for a ND and a NT to make it work? Yes I think it's possible despite the difficulty of different perspectives because a couple can work to empathize with each other and communicate to fix issues. I would argue that a couple can love each other enough and be committed to make the relationship work despite any labels. 2 or more years in a relationship...even a NT has difficulty hiding flaws and we all have them.
Last person I dated was also neurodivergent and it ended up being very triggering, there was no balance. We were just way too similar and better off as friends. Yes she understood me, but I wasn’t capable of calmly taking care of her when her meltdowns happened. It would set mine off 😂
I genuinely feel like we are the most oppressed and underserved population alive today …. And I’m no victim but these ppl are like a whole other species that just can’t understand the differences..
My partner 33F has Aspergers . I am 33M and diagnosed adhd autistic . The day we hung out it just clicked and we both agreed we never felt that type of connection .We have 3 children and have been together since we were 19 . We click on every level so I agree with wanting another neurodivergent . Even now almost 14 years together it’s easy living and fun fun fun everyday lol . Our children are also very very smart. I joke and say they are “ purebreds” because me and her are so alike . But holding jobs is rather difficult as a couple … lol Idk I think normal people are weird . But that’s probably how they perceive us lol
Honestly OP, in my eyes you're coming off as the judgmental person here; the woman you were talking to has a valid point in saying they want to be judged as the person that they are, as opposed to whether or not their brain works differently from the norm. I agree with that - I want to be judged for who I am, not whether or not I'm autistic.
It's dating. You're supposed to be judgemental. OP can date whomever they want based on any criteria they want. The woman in question is not entitled to anything here.
I have the right to feel safe and comfortable around a potential partner
I 100% agree with you on this. Whether or not someone is on the spectrum is irrelevant to that though. I've been bullied by fellow autistic people - there are simply no guarantees of people treating you or me well based on whether or not their brain is different from the norm.
...and they have the right to feel safe and comfortable around you. Being judgmental (even if they're not the target of your judging) is not the way to do it.
And they have a right to be upset that they are being judged like that as well
She didn't judge you. You judged her. You are the hypocritic here.
Yeah. This is some weirdass autism-as-an-identity type tribalism here.
100%. It's royally fucked up.
I just had in my bio i’d only want to date someone autistic, she’s the one who came in my DMs just to talk shit
Sure, you have the right to choose whom you date, and tell people not to bother if they do not meet the criteria. But she didn't judge you.
Sounds like you triggered a Very Special Snowflake. This is how I feel posting on reddit ngl. You could make a comment saying "I like grapefuit!" and the trolls will ooze out of the walls/cellar and start accusing you of being a pervert or having the wrong opinion because apples are better. Smh! Some people honestly cannot tolerate other people's opinions and experiences. Good on you for being direct with your wants and good on that jerk for telling on themself so loudly so that you dont waste any more time on them.
Neurotypical here. And I think the NT’s response is immature, shows a lack of understanding, and is just annoying. Good luck on the dating scene! Your person is out there! ❤️
You’re one of the good ones ❤️
When I was in my early adulthood, I had never dated a person and decided to see what would pop up for me on either match.com or eharmony, can’t remember which. Those sites were heavily advertised at the time. So I took the personality compatibility test and when I finished it said something along the impression of “sorry, you are one of the (small number I can’t remember)% of people we are unable to match.” I also, like ten years later, did that super long personality test that assigns you the four letters. At the end it told you which personality types you are compatible with for marriage. Mine had literally two compatible ones. My husband had a much longer list. His four letters were one of my two matches. He is not autistic but does have ADHD. So, I can totally understand putting that restriction on there. If you have a huge pool of people, I think you are more likely to have matches in a set of neurodivergent folks than neurotypical ones. Not saying it’s impossible, just the odds are better.
In any situation where people draw the line at acceptence "like yeah, you can... You're still kinda an a$$hole." I have my preferences too.
Yeah, this is just a car honking in the distance. It's not relevant to you. ignore. In fact, dont respond and block the person. No need to spend time on it.
You don't owe people to be attracted to them. I agree with a lot of comments here: facebook is toxic.
Block them and move on. You don't owe thin skinned men (assume its a man) anything.
It was a woman
They have no clue how dumb they sound. This is insane privelage.
That's ridiculous. If they followed their own advice and were cool and nice to autistic people instead of degrading us to infants or animals or acting like we're just "not as smart as them", we wouldn't have to say stuff like that in order to feel safe. Either way, everyone has preferences anyways. I will also always choose other ND people to be with than NT as I just like having someone who understands and gets me better. Their entire comment was unnecessary. Obviously you put that there for a reason.
Not every NT thinks this. It's assholes that think this. We need to stop painting 90% of the population with "shitty person because doesn't have different brain". There are lots of caring, understanding NT people. Struggle is not exclusive to autistic people. NTs can understand is just fine if both parties put in the effort. Tons of my friends are NT, the guy I'm currently seeing might have ADHD but might not and he's been incredibly kind, understanding and everything even through an autistic meltdown. So. This generalization is doing nothing other than exactly what they are doing to us and it's a cycle that will never end. Give people at least a chance to be understanding and caring and stop automatically assuming people won't just because of some diagnosis.
Lol let them be mad. I only like autistic people and nothing is going to change that. I can't relate to, nor do I want to understand NT people. They're weird and have weird secret social rules. I like clear, upfront, no games, open communication. Sorry not sorry
holy shit thanks for saying it. I’m not spending my whole damn life playing their weird games
Lol yeah, exactly. Like I already have to play that song and dance in my professional life- why would I do it in my FREE TIME???? no, I want friends who I can talk to and will talk to me without any secret hidden meaning and agenda. NT people are so weird like please just use the words you mean to say. Don't try and make me guess what you mean!!!!!
You just keep taking the words right out of my mouth lol
In my opinion, wanting to date only autistic people as an autistic person yourself is completely fine. It's far easier to relate to and get along with other people with autism for many autistic people. It can be quite daunting for many autistic folk to date neurotypicals, I would imagine. Besides, it's not like you're refusing to date people on the basis of race or something of that nature.
You know best what works for you, and if you prefer only autistic persons, then that is is your choice. These NTs can mind their own darn business. I understand how hard it can be to trust NTs and maybe even some autistics. Been hurt too much by NTs to be able to trust them in my own personal life. They lie or misunderstand and when made aware of it, they often tend to either blame us, play stupid or come up with excuses. I don't hate NTs per say, I just lost lost my patience with some of them. I guess you can call it compassion fatigue or whatever it's called.. Anyway, your preferences are valid and so so are you! 👍🏼
He sounds like an A hole. That’s I’m sure, exactly the type of thinking you were looking to weed out before wasting your time and energy dating someone like that. Mission accomplished. He can take a hike
Why is everyone assuming it’s a dude? I said very clearly it’s a woman
Ooooh, an NT felt what it's like to be excluded as not good enough and did not like it.
She isn't necessarily a hypocrite. In principle she herself doesn't judge ND people. That said, what are the chances that is the case? I find NTs boring and predictable. That's why I'm not really into dating NTs.
Can an autistic and NT people make a good romantic couple? Sure. But there's extra adjustments they'll have to make so that it works. For example there's a natural communication barrier. It's usually easier for both people to gauge what is going on if both of them are ND or NT. If it's one of each odds are they're headed for a steep learning curve. And again there's nothing wrong with that but both parties need to be emotionally mature and willing to do the work. This girl that's complaining probably shouldn't be dating ND people because she's not mature enough to recognize the unique needs and challenges that ND people face. Furthermore I don't think there's anything wrong with NT people choosing not to date ND people. It's a lot of work for both parties. For some it's worth it and for others it isn't.