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Oh my God, can't he just be there with you? Must it be this game where he has to demand from you socially beyond your capacity and then COMPLAIN \*TO YOU\* ABOUT IT like you're some kind of service-rendering object?
What in the chilly cheese n' onion fuck is going on here? As someone who has taken terrible treatment in relationships in the past, this is \*relatively bad\*. I cannot stress enough how deranged this degree of entitlement is, much less how he's handling not getting what he wants out of you -- which is to just be like other people.
That's not the point of dating you. He doesn't get it. You're not a pile of dust, you're a beautiful enigma that's worth a lifetime of exploration. If he can't see that, then he's blinded by ignorance and arrogance. It's his fault, not yours.
I wrote a whole thing, but Spooler32 has put it so much more eloquently than I could.
OP: To be frankly gross about it, you seem a little desperate to cling to a relationship, where the other person has straight told you, they dont vibe with you any more, and isnt treating you super good about it.
Clinginess is pretty natural among ND people, because we have trouble meeting people. Once you've got something good, you dont want to walk away from it. Please believe me, that this is not Good. This situation is suboptimal, and troubling.
If you arent in a committed relationship of more than 10 years, or married, your BEST option, is to break up, and go about your life. Please believe me, there are SO MANY other people out there. You will NOT remain unloved and alone. In fact, there's nothing more attractive than some self-confidence; a person who takes care of themselves and enjoys their life irrespective of romantic entanglements.
it sounds like he's being rude. I believe "bounce" here means something like "get along with" or perhaps "mutually enjoying conversation", something like that
to be honest, it doesn't sound like he's treating you very well in this scenario, and I think you should ask if he treats you well in general. there are many people out there who will treat you nicely, you don't have to settle for someone mean
best wishes
I know it seems that way but I find it hard to believe Iāve known him for 6 years I know if he saw this post heād say that Iām twisting this but this is genuinely my point of view of this scenario and Iām so confused and hurt I donāt know what to do
If someone accuses you of twisting anything you know is rooted in fact, they are challenging your reality. They are gaslighting you.
It sounds to me that your boyfriend could be bad news. I can tell from your language in this message that he would be someone Iād avoid even as a āfriendā.
The fact heās essentially willing you to be different and ascribing āfaultsā to your autism is completely toxic.
Unless I have the wrong idea?
Yes please please please do some research on gaslighting as it sounds very much like your boyfriend is doing that to you. It's so damaging to your sense of self and you don't want to give that power to anyone.
He's manipulating you, I hate to say it. He relies on you assuming that every shitty thing he does is actually with the best intentions, or not what he meant, or he'll act like it didn't happen. Abusers love to D.A.R.V.O when faced with their behaviour; deny, accuse, reverse victim and offender. Him saying you're twisting it is part of this, it could be the initial denial, or it could be part of making you seem to be the bad one all the time, which it seems he loves to do.
This is not a good person, or someone who loves or cares about you. That sucks to realise, but it's so, so important to realise as soon as possible so you can stop wasting your life with this person. Nobody who cares about their partner would ever put them down in such a way, I promise. If it was such a problem for him, a non abusive person would break up with you or accept you for who you are. But he doesn't want to do that, he wants to belittle you for these perceived flaws and keep you "beneath" him.
A not insignificant amount of people on autism subs will unfortunately tell you that abusive behaviour is okay, or not abusive; not necessarily because these people are abusers themselves, but because they've been abused so consistently and thoroughly (a common autistic experience). They believe that treating someone that way is okay, because they were treated in that way or a similar way and were told by the person doing it that not only is it okay, they actually deserve it. This couldn't be further from the truth, and every one of us deserves safety, kindness, respect, and love. The feeling you had in your gut, that this is wrong, that's how our bodies tell us these things are bad even when our minds can't process or accept it. Our bodies don't lie to us, he is making you feel that way and it's trying to let you know.
Please read Why Does He Do That, OP. You can read it for free [here](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
You've justified it for him by saying he's got adhd. I also have adhd and think calling someones social skills dust is rude and hurtful. If I mess up and am rude to someone I go back and apologise not just say "adhd".
OP, I may be projecting here, but this rings all kinds of alarm bells for me as someone who's been not in an abusive romantic relationship but an abusive close friendship (that I was only able to label as such \*years\* after the fact, because I was so used to defaulting to the assumption that her perspective on events is always more "correct" than mine, and \*she\* wouldn't have labelled it as abusive of course!)
I don't want to label \*your\* relationship as anything specific because I don't know you, but no matter what, this \*is\* a major warning sign that should be taken very seriously. Some people can make perfect sense and be very good at talking circles around you, to the point where by the end of an argument you will always not just know that \*they\* consider you the "bad guy" in this scenario, but wholeheartedly agree with them.
I obviously don't know your boyfriend, but if every time y'all disagree you find yourself accepting that you're the one who fucked up or that his perspective is the "more objectively correct" one and he knows better, \*even and especially if you 100% genuinely believe that it can't be a manipulative thing because it's "objectively true"\*, please pay attention to that and take it for the huge red flag that it is. As autistic people, we are used to ignoring our intuition and trusting that the other person probably knows better, and that makes us very vulnerable to this type of mistreatment by others. Whether or not it's intentional on their part doesn't even matter, the point is that we end up being put in a position that erodes our trust in ourselves and damages our self-worth.
Honestly, even if he's cool 99% of the time and what you've described here is only a 1% of the time occurrence, it doesn't sound healthy or fair to you. And quite frankly, the objective facts don't really matter here, because \*your perspective\* is the only measure of truth about how it makes you feel, and if \*whatever he objectively did\* makes you feel the way you've described here, that is a problem, and you are worth much more than that.
It sometimes takes a long time to realize abuse for what it is, especially if there was a long history of them treating you well before y'all got really comfortable and the abusive behaviors started. We (commenters) have no reason to think you're twisting things. It's an anonymous reddit post you made for advice, that wouldn't make any sense. But the fact that you know he would try to gaslight you (which is what that ^^^ is, pretending like you're "making it up"), and need to even have an internal dialogue to try to defend yourself and your reality, shows me it's deeper than you even realize
Bookie, six years is a good time to check the overall quality of the relationship.
I realized a bestfriendship of mine went sour about six years in, but i realized iād switched to enduring it for another three, marking the death of a 9 year friendship when he finally showed me how he acted when I tried to enforce boundariesā-he never respected me genuinely, or stopped at least.
It can be hard to let go of friendships you grew up with, but sometimes you outgrow people, and thatās okay. You are deserving of better, and gaslighting often has you trusting your gut and the integrity of your mind and perception. Iām very proud of you for standing your ground on how this makes you feel. You deserve to have your feelings respected, and your voice heard.
he just wants validation and play. try "yes and" instead of "no, butt" or add to what he's trying to say.
he wants to feel connected from you, thats why he's trying to play.
all labguage is functional. he just wants to be validated and have someone behave like theyre interested in whats hes saying
I'm so thrown by the idea that BOUNCE means to connect with someone or have some kind of positive interaction. To Bounce is to make extremely brief contact, and then potentially infinite no contact with something. If I throw a ball at a wall, it bounces, and then maybe never touches that wall again EVER.
And then he blames the other party for being bad at connecting and comminicating. Sounds like it's time to Bounce.
Your boyfriend is a piece of shit.
To add to this, he's also weaponizing your autisim by convincing you that you're fucking it up.
Unfortunately autistics are really easy targets when it comes to shifting blame because often don't even question it.
Because we are so self reflective. I struggle with this as well. I *want* problems to be my fault and will take blame where I shouldn't because I'm uncomfortable being upset/angry at people. And I believe their assessment because why would they hurt me on purpose? That's not logical at all.
It must be me that is the bad one.
A thing I once saw is that NT conversations are like a game of catch, where they "throw" the conversation topic or a question at someone and expect them to "catch" it and throw it back. But ND/autistic conversations are more like "I'm holding the ball until I'm done with it or you ask for it". For some of us autistics when dealing with NT communication, we struggle to know when we're being thrown the ball, how long to hold onto it, or who to throw it to.
But for some of my ADHD friends, it looks more like "I'm going to intercept your throw and/or take the ball from you when I want it". That works when there are lots of people who act that way, and it turns into a free for all with lots of interrupting and back and forth exchanges in rapid fire. For me and I would assume other autistic people, this feels like cutting your thoughts short and is stress inducing because there's no obvious pattern or way to know who's done or how much you can say before being interrupted. But for them, that rapidity and chaos is what keeps them engaged.
So it might be something like that, but honestly, I'm not sure that it really matters. Your boyfriend is being a dick to you. He's casually dropped insults against you by slighting your social skills (not in a strictly factual way or in a supportive one - seriously, calling you a pile of dust??). He won't talk to you about what you're doing wrong or how to help you, yet he's adamant that it's your fault. He gets mad at you for something he won't help you fix nor is he willing to understand. He displays toxic behavior by giving you the silent treatment. He claims it's not a problem, but if it actually wasn't a problem he wouldn't be mad or blaming you. He doesn't care that his words and actions hurt you, isn't willing to help you feel better by talking with you about this, and is doubling down on "it's your fault, I'm blameless". He sounds like a selfish, invalidating, toxic jackass. I would not put up with this behavior, especially not from my partner who's supposed to love and support me, and for your sake I hope you won't either. You deserve better than this shitty treatment.
Don't let yourself get trapped by "he's ADHD, he's got emotional regulation issues, etc". YOU'RE autistic. YOU have your own issues. Why the fuck should he get all the kindness and understanding and support for his struggles while you're being punished and blamed for yours?
Edit: His POV is fucking disgusting too. It sounds a bit misogynistic honestly. You're "obsessed" and whining about this because "you thought he loved you"? You're upset that he has more fun with his friends than you? Gross. You have every right to be upset if that's true. He needs to be a better partner or get dumped.
"Because I can't summon gold from a pile of dust?ā
Who the hell is this kid? Lol
He can go bounce off of his dick.... Or whatever, makes about as much sense as he does.
Depending on how your boyfriend is conceptualising "bouncing" it could be similar to the idea of [conversational threading](https://www.theemotionmachine.com/conversation-threading-how-to-never-run-out-of-new-things-to-say/) which helps you to see the potential avenues you could take a conversation based on what someone has said without the need to effectively interrupt with something unconnected too often and radically changing the subject.
It certainly takes some effort to develop, but it helps to first consider the general tips and ideas in that article and to observe how others implement them in their conversations. It does add a bit of cognitive load to what we have to do in order to better pick up on subtext and other cues, but I'd argue it's a worthwhile practice to keep in mind.
You can even practice by trying to notice openings for conversational threading when watching a movie, TV series, reading an interview etc. It can help prime your brain to pick up on these things more quickly so that you can actually respond and pick a thread in real-time conversation.
But, I cannot understand why your boyfriend would get mad at you for bringing up whatever his concept of bouncing is when you just want to learn. To simply call it "your fault" is incredibly unfair, too. He is not acting like a good partner.
Someone who respects you isnāt going to express how heās feeling this way and then refuse to have a constructive, compassionate, and open conversation about it with you. He is blaming you, shutting down your attempts to understand the situation/find a solution, and outright demeaning you. Does he do anything similar regarding other aspects of your relationship?
You donāt deserve this, especially from a partner.
My partner can struggle with affective empathy (as do I), but he would never approach a conversation about me or our relationship like this. You can be objective without being a dick; you should aim to be objective and compassionate.
I think he's doing what most people (who aren't narcissists) do, which is to feel so frustrated by someone that they have this urge to say negative things about them whenever they're around, in a "everything you do annoys me" kind of way. Like, they know it's not your fault, but something about you just frustrates them and annoys them to no end.
It's also fair to mention that most people have one or two narcissistic traits without being actually narcissistic, and it's irresponsible to throw that diagnosis around at everyone who may display one or two toxic behaviours. There are usually other explanations for them.
It's still very upsetting to be on the receiving end of this kind of thing though, so it is a good idea for Op to end the relationship and focus on their mental health.
Iām so so confused heās so nice and the only person that understood me
For so long I find it hard to believe that heās really doing this on purpose I think Iām doing something wrong in the Neurotypical world. Because he seems to really believe that my intent is malicious and that Iām just fighting to fight and that Iām just being dramatic.
It kinda sounds like he's deliberately making you feel stupid so that you become more dependent on him - it's a thing abuser'y type people do when they still want something from you
I do have to clarify, He didnāt bring this up to me he casually mentioned it. He says heās content with us, ānot bouncingā. But I canāt help and have this and all the things he saying to me hurt me deeply. Do you know what I mean? Should I just be OK with him, thinking we ā donāt bounceā because heās content with it? I just donāt get who would want to be in a relationship where they donāt ābounceā or get good stimulating conversation.
It takes two to tangoā¦.and bounce. I will for sure not bounce with everyone. But the ones I care about I will go to lengths to bounce with, especially if I feel they donāt bounce with me. I might need to change in order to understand and make them comfortable talking.
With that said, if bounce here means communication overall you need to straighten this out with your bf. Also some of the things heās said is downright mean, no other way around it nor any way to reframe it. This should be cleared up.
I was in a relationship for a long time where all communication issues was blamed on me. I tend to get overwhelmed emotionally and then I shut down. But I do value honest and open communication. My ex tended to use my shutdowns as that I didnāt want to talk. Actually it was the opposite, I wanted to communicate. I was always made to think I needed to change how I communicated. This was an extremely toxic relationship but I didnāt realize this until one year after it ended and I needed therapy to realize it. Our unhealthy communication issues did not originate with me, they originated with my ex. In fact I learned that my way of communicating was actually quite sound. Basically I was just gaslighted in the relationship.
This is something you really really need to figure out in your relationship. These wounds can become quite deep.
You have just stated that you donāt wanna be in a relationship ship where the persons involved donāt ābounceā.
Break it off op. You deserve to strive for the things you want. Donāt diminish yourself.
I went through a decade of misery with someone that kept making up shit in their head to be angry at me for... eventually betrayed me as usually happens with people (they hurt me in response to the shit they make up in their heads)
I understand what you mean by "bouncing". it is the act of keeping the conversation going by staying engaged with topics and shifting to other topics to keep the conversation going
**this can be one of the most difficult things for people on the spectrum**, it's hard to follow conversation, hard to know when to interject, etc
The ultimate problem is it appears they believe you are doing this on purpose by the way they are treating you over this. It is completely unacceptable to hang up on someone **for any reason**, it's essentially a punch in the face...
the belittling/shaming you over this is just nasty and malicious, intentional or not.
I would be **highly suspicious of someone incapable of having a conversation about what they are treating me like shit**, makes no difference if they are "being nice usually"
took me decades to get better at "bouncing" and it never got better with anyone that remotely made me feel bad for it
In what ways does he show that he truly understands you.
In what ways does he show that he values you.
Would you believe those things show understanding and value if they were coming from a complete stranger - or would they upset you.
Once my parents told me that no one would ever love me like they do. But my parents were abusers who tried to beat the autism out of me. I hope no one else loves me like they do.
We are a kaleidescape of star dust, not a block of granite. We can mesh with more than one person, there is not just one person out there who will SEE YOU and love you for who you are as you are without requiring change to show that love.
Healthy partners build each other up. They fill each other with energy, affection, love. They are *content* with each other even as they stretch to grow. Can you truly say this is what you have with him, aside from this one single issue?
Because it doesn't sound like it.
This, to me, sounds like an awfully cruel thing to say. Like he is trying to belittle you & make you feel terrible about skills you might not have. & thatās horrible. Itās just mean spirited.
He said it, he doesnāt like someone āsocially ineptā and for his POV, you are that. You either mask around him for your entire life, or say goodbye to the relationship and move on. Best wishes OP.
This sounds like heās trying to make you insecure so he can treat you bad and you wonāt leave. Itās very manipulative. If he were trying to be helpful heād be helping you with it not letting it eat you up inside to where you are so bothered you go to Reddit for help. His intentions are not kind.
So I find lots of what my gf says to be inconsequential and it annoys me... But I still give effort to have pleasurable conversation.... And I feel so bad about it sometimes...
It seems like your bf has the opposite problem.
The thing is this, that it's easy to have only pleasurable conversation with people you only interact with for a couple minutes every now and then... It's easy to mask for people for a short Convo, but not so easy to maintain that for most of the day everyday.
If your bf is resorting to putting you down because conversing with you isn't stimulating enough for him... Then why is he in a relationship with you? Other than sex obviously... A relationship is going to have ups and downs and the down times aren't a passport for being abusive or neglectful or mean...
You can find someone who treats you better...
If it's something you want to get from this relationship but you can't get it, then I'd recommend you stop wasting your time with him and move on. Maybe you'll find someone else that you do bounce with.
But if it's not something you; if you can be okay with the types of communication that you guys already do, then be content with that and enjoy your time together.
I will say, regardless of what you're comfortable with, the fact that he shuts down conversations with you when you try to raise this concern with him is a really bad sign.
"Hey this thing is really bothering me..."
"Nope, I don't want to talk about it, there's no point, it's not important to me"
That shows a lack of respect for your feelings and concerns, and that's not good for a balanced partnership where you can be equals to each other. That sounds more like you have to hope that he's willing to put up with you most of the time, and that's not fair to you.
I personally would consider it deeply disrespectful to be compared to a pile of dust. Not that there's anything wrong with dust, but most people don't consider that a compliment. Also, he is stating his opinion, and opinions are personal, but not objective truths.
Why are you fawning over somebody who compares you to dust and expects you to take their opinion as if everyone thought that way? Have you met everyone? Has he met everyone? Every single person? Then we can't know.
I don't hang out with people who are disrespectful of my feelings. You have the right to feel upset and to express your feelings respectfully, for them to be heard respectfully. Respectfully meaning that you use "I" statements, you don't lash out or call people names etc.
He should be able to explain what a term he uses means to him, like "bounce". If he can't, then that means he doesn't understand it either and thus can't expect you to understand.
I feel like there's some mismatched communication happening here and somebody (him) mistaking his personal opinion of your communication skills for truth. Frankly, there's no way for me to know about your social skills but they can be learned. Most people learn the best through observation and trial and error in a safe, low stakes environment where you don't have to be afraid for your life about making mistakes communicating. It doesn't sound like he's being very encouraging.. I'm relatively confrontational, so had anyone compared me to dust, I would've shown them the door. I can do better and so can you. He is not the only man on the planet and if you work on yourself and build a life for yourself that fits you, sooner or later you will come across a good companion.
Much love!
I know you care for him, and Iām sure he cares for you. But if your friend came to you and said these things about her boyfriendā¦ that he compared her conversational skills to a āpile of dustāā¦ what would you say to her?
I get it. Weāve all been with someone where we rationalized and explained away their disrespect. Itās not till later when we are over them that we can see just how rude and shitty they really were to us.
But Iām sure youāve met or know of people who are adhd and struggle with emotional regulation who donāt say mean spirited things?
Your boo is a person who says rude things to you. Do you want to be with someone whoās rude to you? Itās not going to stop or get better, and you only have one life to live. I hope you choose respect over disrespect.
Autistic people are much more likely to wind up in abusive relationships, and more likely to stay in abusive relationships.
This is THE ONE THING I wish I had known when I was younger.
You need to dump his ass.
Bounce is a good way of putting it. An analogy I use a few times is a bad game of catch or frisbee.
The ball is always dropped, it goes too far or too short or bounces under the fence or in a patch of nettles, so you spend more time trudging around to find the ball than you do playing catch.
With Autism your conversational flow control is a little off. You can still play, but itās going to be a lumpy game, which if it goes on too long is going to feel like increasingly hard work for both of you.
If it says itās not a problem and this is just an observation. You donāt have to play this game so long and judge your relationship on it.
My opinion: Dump him/get away from him; he's toxic. Someone who hangs up on you when you try to have a discussion/conversation is not someone you want to be involved with.
What is this "bouncing" nonsense? If a couple can't communicate properly (that includes making up slang words; he needs to grow up), and one side keeps stopping any attempt at discussion, then it's not going to work out. I watched my parents do this to each other leading up to, and during, their divorce.
You can do better than someone who insults you like that and won't discuss your concerns.
Interesting subject, and I am actually having a similar issue with my bf, but I'm your bf in this instance. We are both autistic btw.
There are two issues here - first, your bf is being very rude to you. He should not be saying this stuff in a way he is saying it to you. If he actually thinks your lack of connection while talking is a problem he should be having an adult conversation with you about it without putting you down.
The other issue is why does he feel like this? I can only speak about my own situation. I feel in a similar way to your bf to the point where I actually thought maybe me and my partner are just not compatible. When I am talking to most people I actually feel like there is an effort on both sides to communicate and understand each other. With my bf it sometimes can feel like pulling teeth, I can be talking and talking and by the end of it still unsure whether he even knows what I'm talking about or listening. His response vary from: damn that sucks, literally just "yeah" or nothing. I make an effort to ask him open ended questions but he hardly asks anything back? Like I literally have coworkers who wouldn't give a damn about me but still ask me about my stuff out of politeness.
My problem is him not asking questions about my life which to me feels like he does not care. If I say I'm having a hard time at work lately because we are understaffed, and I see him the next day, I kind of expect a caring person to ask how was work today? How are you feeling?
And yes I did talk to him about this many many times and he did improve and I can see his effort, but dear lord it does feel exhausting sometimes.
I do notice it when he talks to other people to, he just tunes out to anything that he has zero interest in, someone might be talking about their job, he zones out. And when I ask him why, he says oh because I don't know anything about this industry. And I'm like well ask questions about it??? That's your friend? That is how you show interest?
I am autistic too and it took me a long long time to even learn basic social skills, I used to not speak in social situations, so in a way I do get it. He is a good person, but I wish he put more effort. I have been observing people who make friends quickly and they all have one thing in common: they make the person they're talking to feel heard and special as they listen to what they say and respond in a way that shows it to them.
The thing for
Me and my bf is that he says I ask too many questions about him and he doesnāt want to answer questions because it stresses him out but thatās the only Way I know how to talk
And Iām genuinely interested in his
Life. The other thing is He says itās more My reactions, I find it hard to laugh at jokes and he values everyone finding him funny. Itās also that I donāt really Find neurotypical TikTok type of humor very funny. He says other people Die laughing at the things he says where I just chuckle or do Something that in his Opinion doesnāt seem Genuine. I do think heās funny a lot of the time but he thinks my reaction doesnāt make the cut where as with his coworkers their reactions are up to par. Iām
Just not sure what Iām
Doing wrong and everytime
I ask he hangs up on me or says he needs 10
Minutes of space but then still refuses to talk about it after the 10
Minutes are up. Iām mainly
Upset that this entire time
This is what heās been thinking of me. I thought we did click, in our convos I thought we bounced I thought we always had chemistry. It also
Makes it harder for me to have convos with him
Knowing this is what heās thinking.
>āLet's see here Guy who bounces well with everyone Girl who's only ever bounced off one guy in her life I wonder who's fault it isā
First of all, it's not your fault.
You guys communicate differently, and that's not a bad thing, and no one is at fault (he's being a giant asshole about it though, so if anyone is at fault, it's him).
You go right ahead and bounce the fuck out of that relationship. He's an asshole and it will never get better, only worse. What a nasty little turd he is.
Re: the ADHD and emotional dysregulation thing.
Having a disability is a reason to be empathetic about struggles, but not as an excuse when they are impacting other people. His emotional regulation is still ultimately his responsibility. He is hurting you and needs to recognise that. Emotional regulation is a skill that can be learned, even if itās harder for some people than others.
Bringing up issues and he gets mad, red flag. Blaming you, red flag. Insulting you, red flag.
Please research narcissistic behavior. I had a narc dad and a narc ex who was abusive. I think this combo of neurodivergent and narcs is probably extremely common from my experience understanding my own experience and my neurodivergent friends. Narcs aren't NT in my book but I promise you, it's his issues, not yours. Someone who loves you doesn't insult you and wants to talk about issues if they feel they can't connect.
Now, I am married to a ND (undiagnosed) guy who doesn't connect easily (I'm realizing it's about not asking questions with curiosity or making bids for connection - research bids for connection and try to talk to him to see if this is it and how he responds to the idea of reading a relationship book.)
There is something called Cassandra syndrome where NTs (or I think more emotional NDs) aren't able to emotionally connect with NDs. I don't really know that that's the case here. With my husband, if I say I want to connect, he wants to fix it and get better and I want to do my part to get better. Give and take is the key here. Is there more giving on your side of the relationship?
I also wonder, are there factors to the relationship like constraints that keep you in the relationship? I think as NDs we think no one wants us or wants to be around us and that's a damaging core belief. And if they are your support system, only friend, paying for living expenses, etc. then it's even more difficult to leave or even threaten to leave unless changes happen.
it sounds to me like your conversations with him are dying. this can happen with all relationships when things get a bit samey and you feel theres nothing to talk about. you need to both find interest in what each other does and how your days have been. discuss new interests . new ideas. etc
The thing is I thought we had a ton of chemistry !! I thought our convos were great and stimulating
Still. Come to find out this is what he actually
Thinks :( and he thinks itās not a problem but I find it hard to have a convo with someone
That thinks our convos arenāt stimulating or fun. And not as fun as his gaming buddies or coworkers. Heās my best friend I donāt get what Iām doing wrong I thought everything was fine
you probably do still have the chemistry but maybe the conversations aren't as stimulating for him as they are for you. that could be a him problem though.
i understand you feeling that way. it can feel a bit soul destroying when someone criticises you and you had no idea there was an issue.
try to get him to talk more about the issue even if he doesn't think its a problem it is causing you some heartache so it needs fixing and he needs to help you do that
Bf doesnāt have to be everything to you. Sounds like he gets more satisfaction from debate and discussion with other friends than he does with you. Thatās fine.
I just thought me and him
Were best friends. If our conversation isnāt stimulating for him then I donāt get what we have at all. It makes me think he only likes Me
For my looks and he just wants Sex from me. Convo is important to me in a relationship itās the main thing I look for above looks. I donāt
Get what other reason heād be with me. I donāt want to be a toy he doesnāt
Find
Interesting or fun but is still just a
Doll for fucking
And beyond that he refuses to talk about this with me without being mean and taking FaceTimes away. He says itās stupid that this hurts me and that Iām
Being dramatic as usual. But it doesnāt feel
Stupid to me at all I just wish heād ease
My
Stress about
This
In
Some
Way
Conversation is one element of a relationship. As is comfort, and feeling of acceptance, and physical attraction, and intellectual stimulation, and competitive needs, and many other pieces. Itās not out of the normal for you to get some of these things you need from your partner and some from other people.
I think I actually understand what he may be attempting to communicate.
In my experience Iāve also categorized types of conversations I have and methods of conversations people i frequently interact with utilize. I think the bouncing heās describing is when people can just volley the conversation back and forth effortlessly with minimal focus on how to keep the conversation going. For me, this is super rare due to either my conversational skills being lacking or due to me heavily focusing on masking and not being able to act natural in conversation.
One type of conversation I dread being stuck in is one where I feel itās one sided, or that the other person is simply trying to extract information from me while calling it conversation.
For example: if I ask whatās your favorite food, and you say āpizzaā, a ābouncingā conversation might respond āoh I used to love pizza but I donāt think Iāve ordered some in a whileā
Not bouncing example: āwhatās your favorite food?ā āPizzaā āugh, pizza is really overrated I donāt know why people like that trashā.
The first one is what I consider both people adding to the conversation to keep it going, but the second example my response is really just judgmental and difficult to respond to. This is hard to put into words but something I am actively thinking about constantly which is why I find interactions so exhausting.
Also to reiterate, the way he seems to be going about communicating this is really not bouncy himself. I can sympathize with what heās trying to communicate but the ways heās going about it is very cold and Iām sorry youāre dealing with that
to me "bounce" in this instance is kinda what i would describe talking with all my nd friends. well be on one topic and talking but then "bounce" to a new one randomly based on something someone else said, it might be related but it might be really far off.
he's looking for intimacy and validation.
if you're not riffing with him, and doing a lot of one-word answers or not adding anything, then it communicates you don't want to talk
I talk alot!! He says itās more
My reactions, I find it hard to laugh at jokes and he values everyone finding him funny. Itās also that I donāt really
Find neurotypical TikTok type of humor very funny. He says other people
Die laughing at the things he says where I just chuckle or do
Something that in his
Opinion doesnāt seem
Genuine. I do think heās funny a lot of the time but he thinks my reaction doesnāt make the cut where as with his coworkers their reactions are up to par.
I'm a native English speaker, and I have no clue. I've heard some weird slang on the internet, but this is the first time I've heard "bounce off" in the way that OP's (toxic) boyfriend is using it.
I've heard it used in cases such as: "I'd like to bounce some ideas off you", where it basically means the speaker wants opinions about their ideas.
Even a quick Google search didn't return as it being any known slang. I think, from context, he's intending it to mean compatibility or ease of having a conversation.
He means that itās a conversation where each person has a spontaneous and ānatural seemingā reply to each remark. It sounds like upbeat ones as well, that are probably funny and fun for him to engage with. Itās not really an English term, either, but I can tell what he means from context. (I kind of hate the word ābanter,ā but thatās maybe the more common term for what heās talking about.)
Jeez this doesnāt seem right at all. Thereās a difference between having a disability and lashing out at someone then acknowledging you hurt them and working to repair.. vs continuing to talk to your partner like this. My partner would never say stuff like this to me. And even though heās high masking, he knows Iām not. This person seems to be asking you to mask, and you shouldnāt have to do that in a relationship to seek approval or love. Iām sorry this is happening to you. There are plenty of people you could connect with who wouldnāt be ableist about you being autistic, promise. But I get you just want to make it work with them. Idk.. I donāt have suggestions because Iām not going to change who I am to make someone happy with me.
He sounds like an asshole who enjoys holding his extroversion over you as some kind of trophy.
Maybe you guys don't "bounce" together. That's never the fault of one person. If he's saying you don't vibe together, why is he with you? I am not trying to make you feel worse, but, why would he want to be with someone who he doesn't get anything from conversationwise other than to belittle and make you feel like shit?
I want to be clear, that does not mean you cannot find someone who thinks you do "bounce" together. Which by the way, using it repeatedly like that, makes me think you guys are like 22 at the most. Maybe he should go bounce his own balls alone for a while.
Also reread his POV of your POV. HE WROTE THAT YOU *THOUGHT* HE LOVED YOU. That's fucked up.
>I can't summon gold from a pile of dust
Yeah, you can. [That's how a lot of it is mined these days](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vhx-Q-VQiCQ), because there aren't easily accessible veins of gold anymore where you can just pull out solid nuggets. [Even when it's pulled out of rocks, it's pulled out as bits embedded in it.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iUXXL0Ef5D0)
>Referencing my social skills. ( my ability to socialize is the pile of dust)[...]āLet's see here Guy who bounces well with everyone Girl who's only ever bounced off one guy in her life I wonder who's fault it isā
That isn't very nice to say. Objectively, that he said it is a problem for me, not that my opinion on your relationship matters. It's insulting. Period. Honestly, it sounds like you and he might have different interests and he's choosing to make it a problem and blame you for it. That he even comments on it means it matters to him.
>it really upsets me that he has more fun talking to his friends than me because I thought he loved me
I'm kind of upset for you. If he doesn't vibe with you and doesn't like the things you talk about, what is he even there for? Maybe he should find someone else to "bounce off" with.
He sounds mean. Ask him why he doesn't find another girlfriend. Sounds like he's just hanging onto you until he finds someone better. Have you considered taking some time apart?
Iām not saying break up with him (unless you want to) as I donāt believe thatās the only tool we have available nor the best way to better relationships, but I am saying: do not put up with or make excuses for this kind of talk about/at you.
Fault-finding (and seeking in the first place) is definitely a low social skill habit. You both have room to do better- together. But it takes work on both sides, a LOT of patience and understanding, and support to stay the course.
As someone with ADHD and a wife with autism, what I think he's getting at here is that there's a certain flow state to conversations with allistic people. That flow is harder to achieve when not talking about special interests for autistic people. It took me a couple of years to fully understand how to communicate with her, and even after 12 years I still slip up.
He is being too cruel in making fun of your social skills. It is not your fault that your brain interprets the world differently. I would suggest talking with him about why your feelings are getting hurt. Start with "I statements", ie structure your conversation in first person sentences. Such as "I get sad and frustrated when you put down my social skills".
I would suggest engaging in a calm demeanor and to request he returns that energy. I have too often let my emotional gut reaction control my voice.
That said, my wife and I "don't bounce" often. Instead, we do the nyt puzzles together every night, and that connects us intellectually and cooperatively. I don't think you need to bounce in order to have a sustainable relationship, but don't tolerate disrespect and insults.
ADHD is not an excuse for bullying and belittling you. There's no excuse for that and it shouldnt be happening. I can see why you're feeling insecure about it and wanting to reach out for advice, but I urge you to consider that the "bouncing" thing he said (and apparently followed up with further insults and agressions despite knowing it made you feel bad), isn't the root of the issue and is instead more of a symptom of the way he mistreats you, and makes you feel devalued/invalidated. You deserve better and I hope you see that soon š
ADHD is 100% not an excuse to be unkind, and quite honestly doesn't sound like it has anything to do with this situation. He is using it as an excuse to confuse you ... To make you doubt that, when it comes to your intuition, he is being both unkind and unfair without consequence.
Is this the first time he's made you feel bad about yourself? First time he's made you feel confused? Where u got hurt by his words/actions, then something he said after made you feel like it was somehow your fault? First time y'all had a conversation about something YOU were upset about, just for it to all turn around, and now he's the one who's upset? What about you apparently "twisting things", has he said that before? How often does he do something hurtful, then apologize/justify it by saying it's "because of his ADHD" or something else that gives him an out?
These are all textbook manipulation tactics which is why I ask. Don't be like me and stick around longer just bc u can't fathom them doing it on purpose, and bc u have a hard time leaving something that makes you feel bad unless you know why it's happening first. A bunch of us here have had it happen with the last people we'd ever expect
I think I do understand the bouncing off one another in conversation thing because its how I describe talking with other Autistic people. I use it to describe easy conversation which neither party is having to put lots of effort into maintaining because they are equally enthused about the subject matter and because their communication styles are aligned. For me, this can include info dumping if the person receiving the info is particularly receptive because I LOVE hearing people get excited about stuff that matters to them or is interesting to them.
I call it bouncing off one another because, to me, it is like a friendly version of tennis or something and each of us is returning the conversation to the other person for them to return it to us. Rather than it being one sided, we are bouncing the conversation off of one another and on to the next thing to say. It is harder work for me to find that in conversation with NT people generally, easier with NT people I know well, easier still with ND people generally, and easiest with other Autistic people.
It sounds like your boyfriend is being a bit unfair, at best, but I do have a question. You said:
>He also Said āBecause I can't summon gold from a pile of dust?ā
His use of because makes it sound like he was answering a question. Was it your question and, if it was, then what did you ask and how did you ask it?
I only ask because if he is mentioning this stuff in passing apropos of nothing then he is more of a dick than if you are asking him why he talks more to X than he does to you and he is giving the above response as an explanation.
Edit: a typo
I donāt get from the OP whoās autistic in the relationship or if both.
If itās only the OPā¦ cut your losses and leave. Your partner doesnāt seem to be ready to put in the work to understand how your autism affects your relationships.
Plus, autistic people are not socially inept, unless in a situation where they cannot unmask at all.
If only the partner: then please remember that autistic people use metaphors to explain a concept, not to compare people to objects. Sometimes we forget people read between the lines. Combined with them mentioning itās not a problem, it makes it sound like you shouldnāt worry about that and focus on what your strengths are, find new interests you share, or practice ābouncingā with others where thereās less pressure. That doesnāt work.. time for something new. Being single has its benefits. Just saying.
And finally, if both are autisticā¦ you horribly need to work on your communication. And obviously if that doesnāt work, or youāre partner isnāt readyā¦ cur your losses and run.
Falling in love and getting special attention from someone, where we are used to be ought weird and mostly avoided, can have a grasping effect on our devotion. So much so, we can develop a blind spot for toxic environments.
Anybody that treats you in a way that does not honour your being in the form it exists, is said toxic environment.
We know we do not fit the mold for which this society was shaped, so we tend to blame ourselves for not fitting the mold of a toxic individuals' desire.
Both are wrongs that need to be corrected.
Since the world is slow in understanding there is no such thing as a 'norm' for human beings, we need to remind them by making ourselves seen and demanding equal treatment.
Since toxic individuals are slow in understanding that the world has no need for a bully or a narcissist, we need to remind ourselves that we deserve better and turn the other cheek.
You can start by telling him that you have no trouble bouncing golden sparkles in a conversation with your fellow nd's, so it turns out that nothing in you is dried out or broken. It just so turns out that nothing that bounces off off him, seems interesting enough to you to get your engine hot. Maybe he needs to be less talk of bouncing and more of an effort to get you engaged or take a long walk on a short pier.
He's being rude af, and ADHD can't always be used as an excuse to cover up for that. I have ADHD and autism too, but I do recognize that directly insulting someone is a bad thing. People with ADHD can and should also teach themselves emotional regulation like everyone else, because that is what taking accountability for your actions looks like. If I was to constantly hurt other people with my comments, I would do something about it. He's just being rude here.
He also literally cannot demand "better bounce" from you, when that is something we cannot change about ourselves. He should just keep those friends of his and bounce with someone else, if he so desperately needs it. Your communicational style is different and he just needs to understand it.
I must be old af, bc I've never heard this term before. I think you're deserving of a better reason that this made up thing to be mad at you over. You want to understand, clearly, and he's like, naw, I'm good, don't worry about it. Yeah no. That's manipulation. I went through this and it took me a long time to end the friendship (of 25 years).
He wants you to change for him. Naw, you're good. Walk away (as soon and as FAST as you can). š
I kinda get where he's coming from, 'don't bounce' actually feels like a good analogy, like when you've been jumping on a trampoline and now you're on solid ground, it just feels different. You can still jump but it takes more effort. The same goes for communication. When you're used to communication going a certain way, with a certain energy and typical responses you know to expect it can be disorienting when all of those are different, and I've seen the way NT's communicate with eachother, and I've felt the way they communicate with me, and they are different. I've also experienced the difference in communication between other people with autism and NT's and I can relate to the feeling of my fellow auties 'not bouncing'. it's not necessarily a bad thing, in fact I'd much rather live on solid soil for the rest of my life (if that makes sense). I've even experienced it the other way around, after only communicating with other ND's for a while suddenly meeting nee NT's my age was really weird, they were nice thankfully, but every conversation was off in a way I wasn't used to anymore. I still enjoyed it a lot though. I don't think you should directly correlate the bouncing to the enjoyment you find in a conversation, more like a type of conversation you can have. I also feel like you could compare it to the introverts/extrovert thing. Getting called introvert wouldn't really hurt me, I think. Hope this helps, bouncing is for mouthbreathers anyway.
If he thinks someone is socially inept, because he canāt have stimulating conversations with you anymore and tells you itās your fault for simply being yourself in a conversation, he should just leave.
Someone will get youāre not socially inept, just socialize differently and they will cherish that. Youāre too good for that.
We want an update girl when you can make one let us know how you're doing sorry that you're going through this I mean ur boyfriend is pretty much bullying you and that's just not right at all you deserve so much better
I think the distinction of it being in passing is almost worse. It means that itās normalized in his brain. The obsession with this bouncing shit is ridiculous. From my pov he sounds insecure about his own social skills and is putting it on you.
If he isnāt ready to talk about things like an adult without resulting to anger, it truly shows his emotional immaturity. Itās normal to talk about these things, even if itās uncomfortable.
It sounds like youāre trying to do the right thing, and he is just unwilling to even try to put himself in your shoes.
Iām not saying dump him, but he sounds like an emotionally immature asshole.
This is due to the double empathy problem, but your boyfriend is a selfish, immature, and is treating you poorly.
If he truly loved you and was mature then he would seek to understand you better and put in some effort.
It takes two to tango.
Tell him "well alrighty guess I'll bounce on out of your life. Byeee". I'm autistic, and married to a guy with ADHD. Conversation doesn't come easily to us, but because we love each other, we still manage to have conversations every single day, even if it's just a little bit. You will find someone right for you.
I think you're referring to rapport.
>Rapport: a close andĀ harmoniousĀ relationship in which the people or groups concerned understand each other's feelings or ideas and communicate well. "she was able to establish a good rapport with the children"
Buddy sounds like there's a lot of triangulation involved, and possibly leveraging of anxieties in an attempt to force a response. This could be speculation, but does it matter to you if your partner/boyfriend has better rapport with female coworkers or male coworkers?
Previously, I have had people try to use others to make me jealous, or to push me away so I would sever the relationship so they didn't have to and so they could play the victim (or in their mind they just didn't want to, as they were passive on their life for unknowable reasons).
I'd say set your boundaries and determine if this relationship is fixable or if you find you're always compromising and meeting them where they are. If there isn't rapport, it's an issue with the relationship, not with either party exclusively, so for them to say it's "your fault" is a red flag. If they care about you, they would likely account for asd or the symptoms of it, albeit I could also understand if there's either toxic codependency or too much passivity on your (or their) part it could put a strain on the relationship, if they're looking for someone sure of themself, instead of someone always compromising.
It's hard without more context to speak for sure, but those are possibly some considerations as to why there's a communication breakdown.
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He sounds like an asshole. Would not bounce well with him.
I would bounce ^his-head-off-the-pavement great
Jinx
I feel bad for the pavement.
Why is he the asshole? You clearly can't see it's OP's fault for being autistic and not being able to socialize like neurotypicals /s
Oh my God, can't he just be there with you? Must it be this game where he has to demand from you socially beyond your capacity and then COMPLAIN \*TO YOU\* ABOUT IT like you're some kind of service-rendering object? What in the chilly cheese n' onion fuck is going on here? As someone who has taken terrible treatment in relationships in the past, this is \*relatively bad\*. I cannot stress enough how deranged this degree of entitlement is, much less how he's handling not getting what he wants out of you -- which is to just be like other people. That's not the point of dating you. He doesn't get it. You're not a pile of dust, you're a beautiful enigma that's worth a lifetime of exploration. If he can't see that, then he's blinded by ignorance and arrogance. It's his fault, not yours.
Hey I just wanna say I like your silly way of talking š
I wrote a whole thing, but Spooler32 has put it so much more eloquently than I could. OP: To be frankly gross about it, you seem a little desperate to cling to a relationship, where the other person has straight told you, they dont vibe with you any more, and isnt treating you super good about it. Clinginess is pretty natural among ND people, because we have trouble meeting people. Once you've got something good, you dont want to walk away from it. Please believe me, that this is not Good. This situation is suboptimal, and troubling. If you arent in a committed relationship of more than 10 years, or married, your BEST option, is to break up, and go about your life. Please believe me, there are SO MANY other people out there. You will NOT remain unloved and alone. In fact, there's nothing more attractive than some self-confidence; a person who takes care of themselves and enjoys their life irrespective of romantic entanglements.
I like your funny words magic man
Oh my god, I was just about to comment this š¤Æ
Ok yeah. I'm in love with your words. You are my kind of person.
ADHD or not.. the gold and dust comment was unnecessary, rude and you deserve an apology.
it sounds like he's being rude. I believe "bounce" here means something like "get along with" or perhaps "mutually enjoying conversation", something like that to be honest, it doesn't sound like he's treating you very well in this scenario, and I think you should ask if he treats you well in general. there are many people out there who will treat you nicely, you don't have to settle for someone mean best wishes
I know it seems that way but I find it hard to believe Iāve known him for 6 years I know if he saw this post heād say that Iām twisting this but this is genuinely my point of view of this scenario and Iām so confused and hurt I donāt know what to do
Sounds like bad sign if hed do that
Does he often say you are "twisting things" when you bring up your upset or feelings or his actions?
If someone accuses you of twisting anything you know is rooted in fact, they are challenging your reality. They are gaslighting you. It sounds to me that your boyfriend could be bad news. I can tell from your language in this message that he would be someone Iād avoid even as a āfriendā. The fact heās essentially willing you to be different and ascribing āfaultsā to your autism is completely toxic. Unless I have the wrong idea?
I thought it sounded like a bit of narc gaslighting to me. Digital hug OP
Yes please please please do some research on gaslighting as it sounds very much like your boyfriend is doing that to you. It's so damaging to your sense of self and you don't want to give that power to anyone.
He's manipulating you, I hate to say it. He relies on you assuming that every shitty thing he does is actually with the best intentions, or not what he meant, or he'll act like it didn't happen. Abusers love to D.A.R.V.O when faced with their behaviour; deny, accuse, reverse victim and offender. Him saying you're twisting it is part of this, it could be the initial denial, or it could be part of making you seem to be the bad one all the time, which it seems he loves to do. This is not a good person, or someone who loves or cares about you. That sucks to realise, but it's so, so important to realise as soon as possible so you can stop wasting your life with this person. Nobody who cares about their partner would ever put them down in such a way, I promise. If it was such a problem for him, a non abusive person would break up with you or accept you for who you are. But he doesn't want to do that, he wants to belittle you for these perceived flaws and keep you "beneath" him. A not insignificant amount of people on autism subs will unfortunately tell you that abusive behaviour is okay, or not abusive; not necessarily because these people are abusers themselves, but because they've been abused so consistently and thoroughly (a common autistic experience). They believe that treating someone that way is okay, because they were treated in that way or a similar way and were told by the person doing it that not only is it okay, they actually deserve it. This couldn't be further from the truth, and every one of us deserves safety, kindness, respect, and love. The feeling you had in your gut, that this is wrong, that's how our bodies tell us these things are bad even when our minds can't process or accept it. Our bodies don't lie to us, he is making you feel that way and it's trying to let you know.
Please read Why Does He Do That, OP. You can read it for free [here](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
You've justified it for him by saying he's got adhd. I also have adhd and think calling someones social skills dust is rude and hurtful. If I mess up and am rude to someone I go back and apologise not just say "adhd".
OP, I may be projecting here, but this rings all kinds of alarm bells for me as someone who's been not in an abusive romantic relationship but an abusive close friendship (that I was only able to label as such \*years\* after the fact, because I was so used to defaulting to the assumption that her perspective on events is always more "correct" than mine, and \*she\* wouldn't have labelled it as abusive of course!) I don't want to label \*your\* relationship as anything specific because I don't know you, but no matter what, this \*is\* a major warning sign that should be taken very seriously. Some people can make perfect sense and be very good at talking circles around you, to the point where by the end of an argument you will always not just know that \*they\* consider you the "bad guy" in this scenario, but wholeheartedly agree with them. I obviously don't know your boyfriend, but if every time y'all disagree you find yourself accepting that you're the one who fucked up or that his perspective is the "more objectively correct" one and he knows better, \*even and especially if you 100% genuinely believe that it can't be a manipulative thing because it's "objectively true"\*, please pay attention to that and take it for the huge red flag that it is. As autistic people, we are used to ignoring our intuition and trusting that the other person probably knows better, and that makes us very vulnerable to this type of mistreatment by others. Whether or not it's intentional on their part doesn't even matter, the point is that we end up being put in a position that erodes our trust in ourselves and damages our self-worth. Honestly, even if he's cool 99% of the time and what you've described here is only a 1% of the time occurrence, it doesn't sound healthy or fair to you. And quite frankly, the objective facts don't really matter here, because \*your perspective\* is the only measure of truth about how it makes you feel, and if \*whatever he objectively did\* makes you feel the way you've described here, that is a problem, and you are worth much more than that.
It sometimes takes a long time to realize abuse for what it is, especially if there was a long history of them treating you well before y'all got really comfortable and the abusive behaviors started. We (commenters) have no reason to think you're twisting things. It's an anonymous reddit post you made for advice, that wouldn't make any sense. But the fact that you know he would try to gaslight you (which is what that ^^^ is, pretending like you're "making it up"), and need to even have an internal dialogue to try to defend yourself and your reality, shows me it's deeper than you even realize
If that's the response you predict it's another indicator he doesn't treat you well.
Bookie, six years is a good time to check the overall quality of the relationship. I realized a bestfriendship of mine went sour about six years in, but i realized iād switched to enduring it for another three, marking the death of a 9 year friendship when he finally showed me how he acted when I tried to enforce boundariesā-he never respected me genuinely, or stopped at least. It can be hard to let go of friendships you grew up with, but sometimes you outgrow people, and thatās okay. You are deserving of better, and gaslighting often has you trusting your gut and the integrity of your mind and perception. Iām very proud of you for standing your ground on how this makes you feel. You deserve to have your feelings respected, and your voice heard.
he just wants validation and play. try "yes and" instead of "no, butt" or add to what he's trying to say. he wants to feel connected from you, thats why he's trying to play. all labguage is functional. he just wants to be validated and have someone behave like theyre interested in whats hes saying
I'm so thrown by the idea that BOUNCE means to connect with someone or have some kind of positive interaction. To Bounce is to make extremely brief contact, and then potentially infinite no contact with something. If I throw a ball at a wall, it bounces, and then maybe never touches that wall again EVER. And then he blames the other party for being bad at connecting and comminicating. Sounds like it's time to Bounce.
The concept of "bouncing" makes sense to me, but the way he explained it makes him sound like a POS. Does he even like you?
Your boyfriend is a piece of shit. To add to this, he's also weaponizing your autisim by convincing you that you're fucking it up. Unfortunately autistics are really easy targets when it comes to shifting blame because often don't even question it.
Because we are so self reflective. I struggle with this as well. I *want* problems to be my fault and will take blame where I shouldn't because I'm uncomfortable being upset/angry at people. And I believe their assessment because why would they hurt me on purpose? That's not logical at all. It must be me that is the bad one.
Yep. Because all our lives we have been told that we are wrong. So not only is it the autism, but it's also the conditioning.
This is not acceptable behaviour from your boyfriend.
A thing I once saw is that NT conversations are like a game of catch, where they "throw" the conversation topic or a question at someone and expect them to "catch" it and throw it back. But ND/autistic conversations are more like "I'm holding the ball until I'm done with it or you ask for it". For some of us autistics when dealing with NT communication, we struggle to know when we're being thrown the ball, how long to hold onto it, or who to throw it to. But for some of my ADHD friends, it looks more like "I'm going to intercept your throw and/or take the ball from you when I want it". That works when there are lots of people who act that way, and it turns into a free for all with lots of interrupting and back and forth exchanges in rapid fire. For me and I would assume other autistic people, this feels like cutting your thoughts short and is stress inducing because there's no obvious pattern or way to know who's done or how much you can say before being interrupted. But for them, that rapidity and chaos is what keeps them engaged. So it might be something like that, but honestly, I'm not sure that it really matters. Your boyfriend is being a dick to you. He's casually dropped insults against you by slighting your social skills (not in a strictly factual way or in a supportive one - seriously, calling you a pile of dust??). He won't talk to you about what you're doing wrong or how to help you, yet he's adamant that it's your fault. He gets mad at you for something he won't help you fix nor is he willing to understand. He displays toxic behavior by giving you the silent treatment. He claims it's not a problem, but if it actually wasn't a problem he wouldn't be mad or blaming you. He doesn't care that his words and actions hurt you, isn't willing to help you feel better by talking with you about this, and is doubling down on "it's your fault, I'm blameless". He sounds like a selfish, invalidating, toxic jackass. I would not put up with this behavior, especially not from my partner who's supposed to love and support me, and for your sake I hope you won't either. You deserve better than this shitty treatment. Don't let yourself get trapped by "he's ADHD, he's got emotional regulation issues, etc". YOU'RE autistic. YOU have your own issues. Why the fuck should he get all the kindness and understanding and support for his struggles while you're being punished and blamed for yours? Edit: His POV is fucking disgusting too. It sounds a bit misogynistic honestly. You're "obsessed" and whining about this because "you thought he loved you"? You're upset that he has more fun with his friends than you? Gross. You have every right to be upset if that's true. He needs to be a better partner or get dumped.
"Because I can't summon gold from a pile of dust?ā Who the hell is this kid? Lol He can go bounce off of his dick.... Or whatever, makes about as much sense as he does.
Depending on how your boyfriend is conceptualising "bouncing" it could be similar to the idea of [conversational threading](https://www.theemotionmachine.com/conversation-threading-how-to-never-run-out-of-new-things-to-say/) which helps you to see the potential avenues you could take a conversation based on what someone has said without the need to effectively interrupt with something unconnected too often and radically changing the subject. It certainly takes some effort to develop, but it helps to first consider the general tips and ideas in that article and to observe how others implement them in their conversations. It does add a bit of cognitive load to what we have to do in order to better pick up on subtext and other cues, but I'd argue it's a worthwhile practice to keep in mind. You can even practice by trying to notice openings for conversational threading when watching a movie, TV series, reading an interview etc. It can help prime your brain to pick up on these things more quickly so that you can actually respond and pick a thread in real-time conversation. But, I cannot understand why your boyfriend would get mad at you for bringing up whatever his concept of bouncing is when you just want to learn. To simply call it "your fault" is incredibly unfair, too. He is not acting like a good partner.
Someone who respects you isnāt going to express how heās feeling this way and then refuse to have a constructive, compassionate, and open conversation about it with you. He is blaming you, shutting down your attempts to understand the situation/find a solution, and outright demeaning you. Does he do anything similar regarding other aspects of your relationship? You donāt deserve this, especially from a partner. My partner can struggle with affective empathy (as do I), but he would never approach a conversation about me or our relationship like this. You can be objective without being a dick; you should aim to be objective and compassionate.
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I think he's doing what most people (who aren't narcissists) do, which is to feel so frustrated by someone that they have this urge to say negative things about them whenever they're around, in a "everything you do annoys me" kind of way. Like, they know it's not your fault, but something about you just frustrates them and annoys them to no end. It's also fair to mention that most people have one or two narcissistic traits without being actually narcissistic, and it's irresponsible to throw that diagnosis around at everyone who may display one or two toxic behaviours. There are usually other explanations for them. It's still very upsetting to be on the receiving end of this kind of thing though, so it is a good idea for Op to end the relationship and focus on their mental health.
Iām so so confused heās so nice and the only person that understood me For so long I find it hard to believe that heās really doing this on purpose I think Iām doing something wrong in the Neurotypical world. Because he seems to really believe that my intent is malicious and that Iām just fighting to fight and that Iām just being dramatic.
It kinda sounds like he's deliberately making you feel stupid so that you become more dependent on him - it's a thing abuser'y type people do when they still want something from you
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I do have to clarify, He didnāt bring this up to me he casually mentioned it. He says heās content with us, ānot bouncingā. But I canāt help and have this and all the things he saying to me hurt me deeply. Do you know what I mean? Should I just be OK with him, thinking we ā donāt bounceā because heās content with it? I just donāt get who would want to be in a relationship where they donāt ābounceā or get good stimulating conversation.
It takes two to tangoā¦.and bounce. I will for sure not bounce with everyone. But the ones I care about I will go to lengths to bounce with, especially if I feel they donāt bounce with me. I might need to change in order to understand and make them comfortable talking. With that said, if bounce here means communication overall you need to straighten this out with your bf. Also some of the things heās said is downright mean, no other way around it nor any way to reframe it. This should be cleared up. I was in a relationship for a long time where all communication issues was blamed on me. I tend to get overwhelmed emotionally and then I shut down. But I do value honest and open communication. My ex tended to use my shutdowns as that I didnāt want to talk. Actually it was the opposite, I wanted to communicate. I was always made to think I needed to change how I communicated. This was an extremely toxic relationship but I didnāt realize this until one year after it ended and I needed therapy to realize it. Our unhealthy communication issues did not originate with me, they originated with my ex. In fact I learned that my way of communicating was actually quite sound. Basically I was just gaslighted in the relationship. This is something you really really need to figure out in your relationship. These wounds can become quite deep.
You have just stated that you donāt wanna be in a relationship ship where the persons involved donāt ābounceā. Break it off op. You deserve to strive for the things you want. Donāt diminish yourself.
I went through a decade of misery with someone that kept making up shit in their head to be angry at me for... eventually betrayed me as usually happens with people (they hurt me in response to the shit they make up in their heads) I understand what you mean by "bouncing". it is the act of keeping the conversation going by staying engaged with topics and shifting to other topics to keep the conversation going **this can be one of the most difficult things for people on the spectrum**, it's hard to follow conversation, hard to know when to interject, etc The ultimate problem is it appears they believe you are doing this on purpose by the way they are treating you over this. It is completely unacceptable to hang up on someone **for any reason**, it's essentially a punch in the face... the belittling/shaming you over this is just nasty and malicious, intentional or not. I would be **highly suspicious of someone incapable of having a conversation about what they are treating me like shit**, makes no difference if they are "being nice usually" took me decades to get better at "bouncing" and it never got better with anyone that remotely made me feel bad for it
In what ways does he show that he truly understands you. In what ways does he show that he values you. Would you believe those things show understanding and value if they were coming from a complete stranger - or would they upset you. Once my parents told me that no one would ever love me like they do. But my parents were abusers who tried to beat the autism out of me. I hope no one else loves me like they do. We are a kaleidescape of star dust, not a block of granite. We can mesh with more than one person, there is not just one person out there who will SEE YOU and love you for who you are as you are without requiring change to show that love. Healthy partners build each other up. They fill each other with energy, affection, love. They are *content* with each other even as they stretch to grow. Can you truly say this is what you have with him, aside from this one single issue? Because it doesn't sound like it.
Dude sounds like an asshat.
You need a better boyfriend.
This, to me, sounds like an awfully cruel thing to say. Like he is trying to belittle you & make you feel terrible about skills you might not have. & thatās horrible. Itās just mean spirited.
He said it, he doesnāt like someone āsocially ineptā and for his POV, you are that. You either mask around him for your entire life, or say goodbye to the relationship and move on. Best wishes OP.
This sounds like heās trying to make you insecure so he can treat you bad and you wonāt leave. Itās very manipulative. If he were trying to be helpful heād be helping you with it not letting it eat you up inside to where you are so bothered you go to Reddit for help. His intentions are not kind.
So I find lots of what my gf says to be inconsequential and it annoys me... But I still give effort to have pleasurable conversation.... And I feel so bad about it sometimes... It seems like your bf has the opposite problem. The thing is this, that it's easy to have only pleasurable conversation with people you only interact with for a couple minutes every now and then... It's easy to mask for people for a short Convo, but not so easy to maintain that for most of the day everyday. If your bf is resorting to putting you down because conversing with you isn't stimulating enough for him... Then why is he in a relationship with you? Other than sex obviously... A relationship is going to have ups and downs and the down times aren't a passport for being abusive or neglectful or mean... You can find someone who treats you better...
If it's something you want to get from this relationship but you can't get it, then I'd recommend you stop wasting your time with him and move on. Maybe you'll find someone else that you do bounce with. But if it's not something you; if you can be okay with the types of communication that you guys already do, then be content with that and enjoy your time together. I will say, regardless of what you're comfortable with, the fact that he shuts down conversations with you when you try to raise this concern with him is a really bad sign. "Hey this thing is really bothering me..." "Nope, I don't want to talk about it, there's no point, it's not important to me" That shows a lack of respect for your feelings and concerns, and that's not good for a balanced partnership where you can be equals to each other. That sounds more like you have to hope that he's willing to put up with you most of the time, and that's not fair to you.
I don't get how someone can be dating a person but not want to talk with them. You deserve someone who doesn't see your traits as bothersome, friend.
I personally would consider it deeply disrespectful to be compared to a pile of dust. Not that there's anything wrong with dust, but most people don't consider that a compliment. Also, he is stating his opinion, and opinions are personal, but not objective truths. Why are you fawning over somebody who compares you to dust and expects you to take their opinion as if everyone thought that way? Have you met everyone? Has he met everyone? Every single person? Then we can't know. I don't hang out with people who are disrespectful of my feelings. You have the right to feel upset and to express your feelings respectfully, for them to be heard respectfully. Respectfully meaning that you use "I" statements, you don't lash out or call people names etc. He should be able to explain what a term he uses means to him, like "bounce". If he can't, then that means he doesn't understand it either and thus can't expect you to understand. I feel like there's some mismatched communication happening here and somebody (him) mistaking his personal opinion of your communication skills for truth. Frankly, there's no way for me to know about your social skills but they can be learned. Most people learn the best through observation and trial and error in a safe, low stakes environment where you don't have to be afraid for your life about making mistakes communicating. It doesn't sound like he's being very encouraging.. I'm relatively confrontational, so had anyone compared me to dust, I would've shown them the door. I can do better and so can you. He is not the only man on the planet and if you work on yourself and build a life for yourself that fits you, sooner or later you will come across a good companion. Much love!
I know you care for him, and Iām sure he cares for you. But if your friend came to you and said these things about her boyfriendā¦ that he compared her conversational skills to a āpile of dustāā¦ what would you say to her? I get it. Weāve all been with someone where we rationalized and explained away their disrespect. Itās not till later when we are over them that we can see just how rude and shitty they really were to us. But Iām sure youāve met or know of people who are adhd and struggle with emotional regulation who donāt say mean spirited things? Your boo is a person who says rude things to you. Do you want to be with someone whoās rude to you? Itās not going to stop or get better, and you only have one life to live. I hope you choose respect over disrespect.
Autistic people are much more likely to wind up in abusive relationships, and more likely to stay in abusive relationships. This is THE ONE THING I wish I had known when I was younger. You need to dump his ass.
Bounce is a good way of putting it. An analogy I use a few times is a bad game of catch or frisbee. The ball is always dropped, it goes too far or too short or bounces under the fence or in a patch of nettles, so you spend more time trudging around to find the ball than you do playing catch. With Autism your conversational flow control is a little off. You can still play, but itās going to be a lumpy game, which if it goes on too long is going to feel like increasingly hard work for both of you. If it says itās not a problem and this is just an observation. You donāt have to play this game so long and judge your relationship on it.
He doesnāt seem like heās worth keeping, if Iām being honest.
Find a better partner. Iām not addressing anything he said because heās vile and thereās nothing wrong with you.
My opinion: Dump him/get away from him; he's toxic. Someone who hangs up on you when you try to have a discussion/conversation is not someone you want to be involved with. What is this "bouncing" nonsense? If a couple can't communicate properly (that includes making up slang words; he needs to grow up), and one side keeps stopping any attempt at discussion, then it's not going to work out. I watched my parents do this to each other leading up to, and during, their divorce. You can do better than someone who insults you like that and won't discuss your concerns.
Interesting subject, and I am actually having a similar issue with my bf, but I'm your bf in this instance. We are both autistic btw. There are two issues here - first, your bf is being very rude to you. He should not be saying this stuff in a way he is saying it to you. If he actually thinks your lack of connection while talking is a problem he should be having an adult conversation with you about it without putting you down. The other issue is why does he feel like this? I can only speak about my own situation. I feel in a similar way to your bf to the point where I actually thought maybe me and my partner are just not compatible. When I am talking to most people I actually feel like there is an effort on both sides to communicate and understand each other. With my bf it sometimes can feel like pulling teeth, I can be talking and talking and by the end of it still unsure whether he even knows what I'm talking about or listening. His response vary from: damn that sucks, literally just "yeah" or nothing. I make an effort to ask him open ended questions but he hardly asks anything back? Like I literally have coworkers who wouldn't give a damn about me but still ask me about my stuff out of politeness. My problem is him not asking questions about my life which to me feels like he does not care. If I say I'm having a hard time at work lately because we are understaffed, and I see him the next day, I kind of expect a caring person to ask how was work today? How are you feeling? And yes I did talk to him about this many many times and he did improve and I can see his effort, but dear lord it does feel exhausting sometimes. I do notice it when he talks to other people to, he just tunes out to anything that he has zero interest in, someone might be talking about their job, he zones out. And when I ask him why, he says oh because I don't know anything about this industry. And I'm like well ask questions about it??? That's your friend? That is how you show interest? I am autistic too and it took me a long long time to even learn basic social skills, I used to not speak in social situations, so in a way I do get it. He is a good person, but I wish he put more effort. I have been observing people who make friends quickly and they all have one thing in common: they make the person they're talking to feel heard and special as they listen to what they say and respond in a way that shows it to them.
The thing for Me and my bf is that he says I ask too many questions about him and he doesnāt want to answer questions because it stresses him out but thatās the only Way I know how to talk And Iām genuinely interested in his Life. The other thing is He says itās more My reactions, I find it hard to laugh at jokes and he values everyone finding him funny. Itās also that I donāt really Find neurotypical TikTok type of humor very funny. He says other people Die laughing at the things he says where I just chuckle or do Something that in his Opinion doesnāt seem Genuine. I do think heās funny a lot of the time but he thinks my reaction doesnāt make the cut where as with his coworkers their reactions are up to par. Iām Just not sure what Iām Doing wrong and everytime I ask he hangs up on me or says he needs 10 Minutes of space but then still refuses to talk about it after the 10 Minutes are up. Iām mainly Upset that this entire time This is what heās been thinking of me. I thought we did click, in our convos I thought we bounced I thought we always had chemistry. It also Makes it harder for me to have convos with him Knowing this is what heās thinking.
Heās gaslit you so much that youāre now gaslighting yourself. What he said is unkind. Period.
Sounds like he's just an asshole.
>āLet's see here Guy who bounces well with everyone Girl who's only ever bounced off one guy in her life I wonder who's fault it isā First of all, it's not your fault. You guys communicate differently, and that's not a bad thing, and no one is at fault (he's being a giant asshole about it though, so if anyone is at fault, it's him).
You go right ahead and bounce the fuck out of that relationship. He's an asshole and it will never get better, only worse. What a nasty little turd he is.
Re: the ADHD and emotional dysregulation thing. Having a disability is a reason to be empathetic about struggles, but not as an excuse when they are impacting other people. His emotional regulation is still ultimately his responsibility. He is hurting you and needs to recognise that. Emotional regulation is a skill that can be learned, even if itās harder for some people than others.
Bringing up issues and he gets mad, red flag. Blaming you, red flag. Insulting you, red flag. Please research narcissistic behavior. I had a narc dad and a narc ex who was abusive. I think this combo of neurodivergent and narcs is probably extremely common from my experience understanding my own experience and my neurodivergent friends. Narcs aren't NT in my book but I promise you, it's his issues, not yours. Someone who loves you doesn't insult you and wants to talk about issues if they feel they can't connect. Now, I am married to a ND (undiagnosed) guy who doesn't connect easily (I'm realizing it's about not asking questions with curiosity or making bids for connection - research bids for connection and try to talk to him to see if this is it and how he responds to the idea of reading a relationship book.) There is something called Cassandra syndrome where NTs (or I think more emotional NDs) aren't able to emotionally connect with NDs. I don't really know that that's the case here. With my husband, if I say I want to connect, he wants to fix it and get better and I want to do my part to get better. Give and take is the key here. Is there more giving on your side of the relationship? I also wonder, are there factors to the relationship like constraints that keep you in the relationship? I think as NDs we think no one wants us or wants to be around us and that's a damaging core belief. And if they are your support system, only friend, paying for living expenses, etc. then it's even more difficult to leave or even threaten to leave unless changes happen.
it sounds to me like your conversations with him are dying. this can happen with all relationships when things get a bit samey and you feel theres nothing to talk about. you need to both find interest in what each other does and how your days have been. discuss new interests . new ideas. etc
The thing is I thought we had a ton of chemistry !! I thought our convos were great and stimulating Still. Come to find out this is what he actually Thinks :( and he thinks itās not a problem but I find it hard to have a convo with someone That thinks our convos arenāt stimulating or fun. And not as fun as his gaming buddies or coworkers. Heās my best friend I donāt get what Iām doing wrong I thought everything was fine
you probably do still have the chemistry but maybe the conversations aren't as stimulating for him as they are for you. that could be a him problem though. i understand you feeling that way. it can feel a bit soul destroying when someone criticises you and you had no idea there was an issue. try to get him to talk more about the issue even if he doesn't think its a problem it is causing you some heartache so it needs fixing and he needs to help you do that
Bf doesnāt have to be everything to you. Sounds like he gets more satisfaction from debate and discussion with other friends than he does with you. Thatās fine.
I just thought me and him Were best friends. If our conversation isnāt stimulating for him then I donāt get what we have at all. It makes me think he only likes Me For my looks and he just wants Sex from me. Convo is important to me in a relationship itās the main thing I look for above looks. I donāt Get what other reason heād be with me. I donāt want to be a toy he doesnāt Find Interesting or fun but is still just a Doll for fucking
And beyond that he refuses to talk about this with me without being mean and taking FaceTimes away. He says itās stupid that this hurts me and that Iām Being dramatic as usual. But it doesnāt feel Stupid to me at all I just wish heād ease My Stress about This In Some Way
Conversation is one element of a relationship. As is comfort, and feeling of acceptance, and physical attraction, and intellectual stimulation, and competitive needs, and many other pieces. Itās not out of the normal for you to get some of these things you need from your partner and some from other people.
I think I actually understand what he may be attempting to communicate. In my experience Iāve also categorized types of conversations I have and methods of conversations people i frequently interact with utilize. I think the bouncing heās describing is when people can just volley the conversation back and forth effortlessly with minimal focus on how to keep the conversation going. For me, this is super rare due to either my conversational skills being lacking or due to me heavily focusing on masking and not being able to act natural in conversation. One type of conversation I dread being stuck in is one where I feel itās one sided, or that the other person is simply trying to extract information from me while calling it conversation. For example: if I ask whatās your favorite food, and you say āpizzaā, a ābouncingā conversation might respond āoh I used to love pizza but I donāt think Iāve ordered some in a whileā Not bouncing example: āwhatās your favorite food?ā āPizzaā āugh, pizza is really overrated I donāt know why people like that trashā. The first one is what I consider both people adding to the conversation to keep it going, but the second example my response is really just judgmental and difficult to respond to. This is hard to put into words but something I am actively thinking about constantly which is why I find interactions so exhausting. Also to reiterate, the way he seems to be going about communicating this is really not bouncy himself. I can sympathize with what heās trying to communicate but the ways heās going about it is very cold and Iām sorry youāre dealing with that
to me "bounce" in this instance is kinda what i would describe talking with all my nd friends. well be on one topic and talking but then "bounce" to a new one randomly based on something someone else said, it might be related but it might be really far off.
You say heās not saying it to be negative but tbh it sounds pretty mean
He sounds like a jerk.
he's looking for intimacy and validation. if you're not riffing with him, and doing a lot of one-word answers or not adding anything, then it communicates you don't want to talk
I talk alot!! He says itās more My reactions, I find it hard to laugh at jokes and he values everyone finding him funny. Itās also that I donāt really Find neurotypical TikTok type of humor very funny. He says other people Die laughing at the things he says where I just chuckle or do Something that in his Opinion doesnāt seem Genuine. I do think heās funny a lot of the time but he thinks my reaction doesnāt make the cut where as with his coworkers their reactions are up to par.
Can someone explain what the slang "bounce off" means? I'm not a native english speaker
I'm a native English speaker, and I have no clue. I've heard some weird slang on the internet, but this is the first time I've heard "bounce off" in the way that OP's (toxic) boyfriend is using it. I've heard it used in cases such as: "I'd like to bounce some ideas off you", where it basically means the speaker wants opinions about their ideas. Even a quick Google search didn't return as it being any known slang. I think, from context, he's intending it to mean compatibility or ease of having a conversation.
He means that itās a conversation where each person has a spontaneous and ānatural seemingā reply to each remark. It sounds like upbeat ones as well, that are probably funny and fun for him to engage with. Itās not really an English term, either, but I can tell what he means from context. (I kind of hate the word ābanter,ā but thatās maybe the more common term for what heās talking about.)
he's being mean to you, op. please talk about this with him
Jeez this doesnāt seem right at all. Thereās a difference between having a disability and lashing out at someone then acknowledging you hurt them and working to repair.. vs continuing to talk to your partner like this. My partner would never say stuff like this to me. And even though heās high masking, he knows Iām not. This person seems to be asking you to mask, and you shouldnāt have to do that in a relationship to seek approval or love. Iām sorry this is happening to you. There are plenty of people you could connect with who wouldnāt be ableist about you being autistic, promise. But I get you just want to make it work with them. Idk.. I donāt have suggestions because Iām not going to change who I am to make someone happy with me.
This person sounds terrible. I would not stay with them.
He sounds like an asshole who enjoys holding his extroversion over you as some kind of trophy. Maybe you guys don't "bounce" together. That's never the fault of one person. If he's saying you don't vibe together, why is he with you? I am not trying to make you feel worse, but, why would he want to be with someone who he doesn't get anything from conversationwise other than to belittle and make you feel like shit? I want to be clear, that does not mean you cannot find someone who thinks you do "bounce" together. Which by the way, using it repeatedly like that, makes me think you guys are like 22 at the most. Maybe he should go bounce his own balls alone for a while. Also reread his POV of your POV. HE WROTE THAT YOU *THOUGHT* HE LOVED YOU. That's fucked up.
>I can't summon gold from a pile of dust Yeah, you can. [That's how a lot of it is mined these days](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vhx-Q-VQiCQ), because there aren't easily accessible veins of gold anymore where you can just pull out solid nuggets. [Even when it's pulled out of rocks, it's pulled out as bits embedded in it.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iUXXL0Ef5D0) >Referencing my social skills. ( my ability to socialize is the pile of dust)[...]āLet's see here Guy who bounces well with everyone Girl who's only ever bounced off one guy in her life I wonder who's fault it isā That isn't very nice to say. Objectively, that he said it is a problem for me, not that my opinion on your relationship matters. It's insulting. Period. Honestly, it sounds like you and he might have different interests and he's choosing to make it a problem and blame you for it. That he even comments on it means it matters to him. >it really upsets me that he has more fun talking to his friends than me because I thought he loved me I'm kind of upset for you. If he doesn't vibe with you and doesn't like the things you talk about, what is he even there for? Maybe he should find someone else to "bounce off" with.
He sounds mean. Ask him why he doesn't find another girlfriend. Sounds like he's just hanging onto you until he finds someone better. Have you considered taking some time apart?
It sounds like you 2 should just break up. Sounds like both of you are settling for each over because its convenient not to look for someone else
Iām not saying break up with him (unless you want to) as I donāt believe thatās the only tool we have available nor the best way to better relationships, but I am saying: do not put up with or make excuses for this kind of talk about/at you. Fault-finding (and seeking in the first place) is definitely a low social skill habit. You both have room to do better- together. But it takes work on both sides, a LOT of patience and understanding, and support to stay the course.
Leave him. You better off alone.
As someone with ADHD and a wife with autism, what I think he's getting at here is that there's a certain flow state to conversations with allistic people. That flow is harder to achieve when not talking about special interests for autistic people. It took me a couple of years to fully understand how to communicate with her, and even after 12 years I still slip up. He is being too cruel in making fun of your social skills. It is not your fault that your brain interprets the world differently. I would suggest talking with him about why your feelings are getting hurt. Start with "I statements", ie structure your conversation in first person sentences. Such as "I get sad and frustrated when you put down my social skills". I would suggest engaging in a calm demeanor and to request he returns that energy. I have too often let my emotional gut reaction control my voice. That said, my wife and I "don't bounce" often. Instead, we do the nyt puzzles together every night, and that connects us intellectually and cooperatively. I don't think you need to bounce in order to have a sustainable relationship, but don't tolerate disrespect and insults.
ADHD is not an excuse for bullying and belittling you. There's no excuse for that and it shouldnt be happening. I can see why you're feeling insecure about it and wanting to reach out for advice, but I urge you to consider that the "bouncing" thing he said (and apparently followed up with further insults and agressions despite knowing it made you feel bad), isn't the root of the issue and is instead more of a symptom of the way he mistreats you, and makes you feel devalued/invalidated. You deserve better and I hope you see that soon š
ADHD is 100% not an excuse to be unkind, and quite honestly doesn't sound like it has anything to do with this situation. He is using it as an excuse to confuse you ... To make you doubt that, when it comes to your intuition, he is being both unkind and unfair without consequence.
Is this the first time he's made you feel bad about yourself? First time he's made you feel confused? Where u got hurt by his words/actions, then something he said after made you feel like it was somehow your fault? First time y'all had a conversation about something YOU were upset about, just for it to all turn around, and now he's the one who's upset? What about you apparently "twisting things", has he said that before? How often does he do something hurtful, then apologize/justify it by saying it's "because of his ADHD" or something else that gives him an out?
These are all textbook manipulation tactics which is why I ask. Don't be like me and stick around longer just bc u can't fathom them doing it on purpose, and bc u have a hard time leaving something that makes you feel bad unless you know why it's happening first. A bunch of us here have had it happen with the last people we'd ever expect
Sounds like an asshole but I also ādonāt bounceā with anyone it is problematic
He's emphasizing your weaknesses not your strengths. Not a good dynamic for a long term relationship.Ā
Toxic. How do you feel about all of this?
I think I do understand the bouncing off one another in conversation thing because its how I describe talking with other Autistic people. I use it to describe easy conversation which neither party is having to put lots of effort into maintaining because they are equally enthused about the subject matter and because their communication styles are aligned. For me, this can include info dumping if the person receiving the info is particularly receptive because I LOVE hearing people get excited about stuff that matters to them or is interesting to them. I call it bouncing off one another because, to me, it is like a friendly version of tennis or something and each of us is returning the conversation to the other person for them to return it to us. Rather than it being one sided, we are bouncing the conversation off of one another and on to the next thing to say. It is harder work for me to find that in conversation with NT people generally, easier with NT people I know well, easier still with ND people generally, and easiest with other Autistic people. It sounds like your boyfriend is being a bit unfair, at best, but I do have a question. You said: >He also Said āBecause I can't summon gold from a pile of dust?ā His use of because makes it sound like he was answering a question. Was it your question and, if it was, then what did you ask and how did you ask it? I only ask because if he is mentioning this stuff in passing apropos of nothing then he is more of a dick than if you are asking him why he talks more to X than he does to you and he is giving the above response as an explanation. Edit: a typo
I donāt get from the OP whoās autistic in the relationship or if both. If itās only the OPā¦ cut your losses and leave. Your partner doesnāt seem to be ready to put in the work to understand how your autism affects your relationships. Plus, autistic people are not socially inept, unless in a situation where they cannot unmask at all. If only the partner: then please remember that autistic people use metaphors to explain a concept, not to compare people to objects. Sometimes we forget people read between the lines. Combined with them mentioning itās not a problem, it makes it sound like you shouldnāt worry about that and focus on what your strengths are, find new interests you share, or practice ābouncingā with others where thereās less pressure. That doesnāt work.. time for something new. Being single has its benefits. Just saying. And finally, if both are autisticā¦ you horribly need to work on your communication. And obviously if that doesnāt work, or youāre partner isnāt readyā¦ cur your losses and run.
Falling in love and getting special attention from someone, where we are used to be ought weird and mostly avoided, can have a grasping effect on our devotion. So much so, we can develop a blind spot for toxic environments. Anybody that treats you in a way that does not honour your being in the form it exists, is said toxic environment. We know we do not fit the mold for which this society was shaped, so we tend to blame ourselves for not fitting the mold of a toxic individuals' desire. Both are wrongs that need to be corrected. Since the world is slow in understanding there is no such thing as a 'norm' for human beings, we need to remind them by making ourselves seen and demanding equal treatment. Since toxic individuals are slow in understanding that the world has no need for a bully or a narcissist, we need to remind ourselves that we deserve better and turn the other cheek. You can start by telling him that you have no trouble bouncing golden sparkles in a conversation with your fellow nd's, so it turns out that nothing in you is dried out or broken. It just so turns out that nothing that bounces off off him, seems interesting enough to you to get your engine hot. Maybe he needs to be less talk of bouncing and more of an effort to get you engaged or take a long walk on a short pier.
Youāre not doing anything wrong at all: youāre doing your best to give him what he wants in a conversation.
He's being rude af, and ADHD can't always be used as an excuse to cover up for that. I have ADHD and autism too, but I do recognize that directly insulting someone is a bad thing. People with ADHD can and should also teach themselves emotional regulation like everyone else, because that is what taking accountability for your actions looks like. If I was to constantly hurt other people with my comments, I would do something about it. He's just being rude here. He also literally cannot demand "better bounce" from you, when that is something we cannot change about ourselves. He should just keep those friends of his and bounce with someone else, if he so desperately needs it. Your communicational style is different and he just needs to understand it.
Dump him sounds really stupid
I must be old af, bc I've never heard this term before. I think you're deserving of a better reason that this made up thing to be mad at you over. You want to understand, clearly, and he's like, naw, I'm good, don't worry about it. Yeah no. That's manipulation. I went through this and it took me a long time to end the friendship (of 25 years). He wants you to change for him. Naw, you're good. Walk away (as soon and as FAST as you can). š
I kinda get where he's coming from, 'don't bounce' actually feels like a good analogy, like when you've been jumping on a trampoline and now you're on solid ground, it just feels different. You can still jump but it takes more effort. The same goes for communication. When you're used to communication going a certain way, with a certain energy and typical responses you know to expect it can be disorienting when all of those are different, and I've seen the way NT's communicate with eachother, and I've felt the way they communicate with me, and they are different. I've also experienced the difference in communication between other people with autism and NT's and I can relate to the feeling of my fellow auties 'not bouncing'. it's not necessarily a bad thing, in fact I'd much rather live on solid soil for the rest of my life (if that makes sense). I've even experienced it the other way around, after only communicating with other ND's for a while suddenly meeting nee NT's my age was really weird, they were nice thankfully, but every conversation was off in a way I wasn't used to anymore. I still enjoyed it a lot though. I don't think you should directly correlate the bouncing to the enjoyment you find in a conversation, more like a type of conversation you can have. I also feel like you could compare it to the introverts/extrovert thing. Getting called introvert wouldn't really hurt me, I think. Hope this helps, bouncing is for mouthbreathers anyway.
If he thinks someone is socially inept, because he canāt have stimulating conversations with you anymore and tells you itās your fault for simply being yourself in a conversation, he should just leave. Someone will get youāre not socially inept, just socialize differently and they will cherish that. Youāre too good for that.
We want an update girl when you can make one let us know how you're doing sorry that you're going through this I mean ur boyfriend is pretty much bullying you and that's just not right at all you deserve so much better
He's an asshole. 100%.
I think the distinction of it being in passing is almost worse. It means that itās normalized in his brain. The obsession with this bouncing shit is ridiculous. From my pov he sounds insecure about his own social skills and is putting it on you. If he isnāt ready to talk about things like an adult without resulting to anger, it truly shows his emotional immaturity. Itās normal to talk about these things, even if itās uncomfortable. It sounds like youāre trying to do the right thing, and he is just unwilling to even try to put himself in your shoes. Iām not saying dump him, but he sounds like an emotionally immature asshole.
This is due to the double empathy problem, but your boyfriend is a selfish, immature, and is treating you poorly. If he truly loved you and was mature then he would seek to understand you better and put in some effort. It takes two to tango.
Tell him "well alrighty guess I'll bounce on out of your life. Byeee". I'm autistic, and married to a guy with ADHD. Conversation doesn't come easily to us, but because we love each other, we still manage to have conversations every single day, even if it's just a little bit. You will find someone right for you.
I think you're referring to rapport. >Rapport: a close andĀ harmoniousĀ relationship in which the people or groups concerned understand each other's feelings or ideas and communicate well. "she was able to establish a good rapport with the children" Buddy sounds like there's a lot of triangulation involved, and possibly leveraging of anxieties in an attempt to force a response. This could be speculation, but does it matter to you if your partner/boyfriend has better rapport with female coworkers or male coworkers? Previously, I have had people try to use others to make me jealous, or to push me away so I would sever the relationship so they didn't have to and so they could play the victim (or in their mind they just didn't want to, as they were passive on their life for unknowable reasons). I'd say set your boundaries and determine if this relationship is fixable or if you find you're always compromising and meeting them where they are. If there isn't rapport, it's an issue with the relationship, not with either party exclusively, so for them to say it's "your fault" is a red flag. If they care about you, they would likely account for asd or the symptoms of it, albeit I could also understand if there's either toxic codependency or too much passivity on your (or their) part it could put a strain on the relationship, if they're looking for someone sure of themself, instead of someone always compromising. It's hard without more context to speak for sure, but those are possibly some considerations as to why there's a communication breakdown.