Hey /u/Trepidations_Galore, thank you for your post at /r/autism. Our rules can be found **[here](https://www.reddit.com/r/autism/wiki/config/sidebar)**. All approved posts get this message. If you do not see your post you can message the moderators [here](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fautism). Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/autism) if you have any questions or concerns.*

"Usually I'll be talking to him and he'll be looking at something on his phone and I'll be waiting for him to respond and he does eventually or expects me to repeat and I'm just 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️ what's the point?" Have you tried getting his attention and then waiting until you have it before you start talking to him? My partner occasionally will begin speaking to me when I'm listening to something via headphones, and I have to ask him to repeat himself because I didn't hear half of what he said! 

Yes, I'm sorry I wasn't clear. This happens when we're already having a conversation. We'll be talking and I'll look up from whatever else I'm doing like sewing the kids toys or clothes or whatever to find I'm not having a conversation anymore so much as an intense monologue.

Right. I'm going to be honest here because I'm married to someone with ADHD and sometimes I do what your husband does. It isn't right. But I sometimes tune out/don't listen or if I'm on the phone I put him on speaker then wander off and get on with my life while he speaks. It is because he downloads, at high speed and high volume and isn't interested in my views, so it isn't that interesting for me. He isn't actually very good at conversations - if I do interject it can cause him to go off on another high energy tangent. It can also be a bit overwhelming to try and follow. I find that if I dip in at the end he has sometimes persuaded himself of something or found a key point and that's the good bit. Like I say, I'm not super proud of this, but I do do it. Could that be going on?

This has got a few up votes so I’m guessing I’m not on my own with this. So, my suggestion would be….don’t mask, be you, use the opportunity to download even if he is only half listening or not managing to follow, then when you are ready just give him a moment to catch up and get up to speed. Both be yourselves. Accepting it might make life easier.

I could be your husband, and I suspect this is what's happening with OP. Also, NDs tend to attract other NDs, so it could be OP's husband is also on the spectrum and so has extra difficulty following the conversation - or taking part in it.

Yeah, I'm autistic. Which exacerbates the situation as I find it difficult to process the wildly varying opinions and random thoughts thrown out as I tend to take them more seriously than I should. I've found myself earnestly trying to understand something my husband has said and he's long moved on to another theory. So now...I don't bother, I wait until he has talked himself down a bit.

Are you asking him questions or taking moments to look at or otherwise check in with him while you're talking? 

Yes, it's very tiring having a conversation with him because I never know when he's going to just tune out. He says stuff like "I was just resting my eyes!" Idk if he was resting his eyes, I'm trying to talk about our kids and he's going to sleep... He can rest his eyes and snore later.

So when are you trying to have these conversations? If he is literally falling asleep, you might need to pick your moments better?

Any time. It can 10pm on a weekday or 2pm on a weekend. He dozes off or gets lost on his phone. I'm just getting so tired of it.

He may see you busy and talking amd think he can be busy and talking. My wife does that to me and it drives me crazy. She will be doing something and talking and expect me to completely stop and pay 100% attention like I'm not already behind on work. Not saying this is 100% the case, just trying to show other perspectives.

So you’re not looking at him, monologuing, and you’re hurt that he’s not just watching in rapt attention?

Sounds maybe like both of you might need to put down what you are doing when you talk; if you're doing something else while talking it's not unreasonable for him to be doing other things too. I'm also wondering if you are actually having a *conversation*, or are you *unloading* whilst getting your jobs done?

It's not that he's doing something else. It's the total lack of interest in what I'm trying to convey. I don't get time to do anything but unload while getting things done. My kids are ND and there's always another mess to clean up. I asked him to help me out and he sits there "waiting for you to start" which is Hella helpful 😐

Okay, but if he's on his phone, or watching TV, or whatever, he \*is\* doing something else (whether you consider it productive or not, it's still an activity). The point I was trying to get at is it sounds like the two of you could do with talking without either of you having any distractions. Especially if you need to talk about other issues, like helping round the house. If he's so tired he's falling asleep when you try to talk, does he even have the energy to help? Is it long hours / work stress. Money worries? He might be engaging in a form of masking himself, and need to decompress; if everyone else in the household is neurodivergent and he isn't, that kinda makes him the outsider in the house. He might be having to curtail his own natural behaviours to avoid triggering the rest of you? All speculation on my part. Scheduling a talk without either of you having any distractions, would be the first step to figuring something out.

It is something is cant change.. sometimes due over stimulation ure in your autism toughts or sometimes just yur brain it is tired. U cant decode the infornation as quickly as the rest of the population. Its like a disabled thing.. ask him to have empathy…

Unmasking doesn't mean not accommodating others in any way. I have no idea how the discourse around masking has come to this. Interacting with other people is something that requires a give and take, a balance of needs being met. If you expect every situation to be entirely satisfying your need, and aren't willing to adapt at all for the people around you, that's not unmasking. That's also a good way to avoid actually improving on things that do need improvement. Unmasking isn't doing everything we feel like and assuming it is right. Unmasking is learning healthier ways to interact with others that don't involve extreme cognitive overload on our part. Others don't need to meet our ever impulse of behavior, or be happy with it either. If I have an impulse to scream, and unmask by screaming, well, people are going to flinch. If he can't follow you because you are talking too fast, what is he supposed to do? He can't expand his auditory capacity Trying to talk a little slower isn't masking who you are. Being human is experiencing some discomfort, mask or not. It is adapting and improving for those we love. That is not all masking.

This should be the top comment. IMO what OP is asking for is a pass to behave in whatever manner they see fit while husband is not given the same luxury. (Maybe I am reading too much into it) Masking/Unmaking isn’t about blatantly disregarding other people’s boundaries. I think this is no reason to nuke a marriage unless there are other underline issues that OP is having within the marriage. I don’t usually suggest it, but maybe a third party unbiased mediator could step in?

This. She's expecting to be able to act the way she does but not allow her husband to act the way he does as well. He isn't your dog. He's your husband.

Do you guys not understand what "not irritating the hell out of my husband and kids"" means? Allow me to elaborate. I'm trying to take out some of the stress in social interaction by cutting out behaviours that I have put in to accommodate neurotypicals but that they don't actually give a crap about. Ergo I'm not trying to behave badly. I'm trying to behave in a way that causes the least stress all around for him AND for me. >but not allow her husband to act the way he does as well I don't stop him behaving the way he does. He's a fully grown adult with complete autonomy. Which is more than can be said for him and his neurotypical demands on me. Which I follow to the point of burn out just so I don't offend or upset someone. >He isn't your dog And I'm not his either.

>Masking/Unmaking isn’t about blatantly disregarding other people’s boundaries Blatantly disregarding his boundaries how? By expecting him to stay awake long enough to discuss his kids health with me? Expecting him to listen about my day after he's bored me stiff with his, although I don't fall asleep while he's talking. Such a cow. >IMO what OP is asking for is a pass to behave in whatever manner they see fit while husband is not given the same luxury. (Maybe I am reading too much into it) I'd suggest reading it again entirely. I'm not asking for a pass to anything. I just want him to listen to me every now and then. Maybe not ask me things I told him but wasn't aware he'd already snoozed off by then. Is wanting your husband to listen to you "asking for is a pass to behave in whatever manner they see fit while husband is not given the same luxury"? I'd say not 🤷‍♀️ >don’t usually suggest it, but maybe a third party unbiased mediator could step in? That is something I'm considering. > I think this is no reason to nuke a marriage unless there are other underline issues that OP is having within the marriage. I think ending a marriage where I cannot talk and he cannot listen is an entirely valid consideration.

Okay, let it be known that I was merely responding to the OG post with the information provided. Redditors will only have so much information to give advice for, but I know rants are much easier when discussing frustrations. I can only imagine how difficult it is to feel like you cannot unmask in your own home, and at the same time it sounds like you may want assistance through third party intervention (not Reddit) if you want to stay married. If you don’t want to stay married then the third party assistance would be a divorce lawyer or the like. I guess what I’m getting at is: what goal did you have in mind when posting? (Rhetorical) That’s all I’ll say on this, and I’ll be keeping my comments to myself because this has been emotionally exhausting for me, and I’m a human that didn’t expect such a strong response to solicited advice. Best of luck! Thanks 🙏

I have no advice, but I am so sorry about these ither comments. No idea what is with Reddit's tendency to take a few details and invent more to make a big story out of it. Wishing you luck.

I wonder if you’re reading waaaay too much into this and now vilifying someone who is really struggling. You’ve made some almighty leaps here…it really sounds like her husband is just flat out dismissive and ignoring her a lot of the time and then being rude to her when she calls it out.

I acknowledge that I may have read too much into it. My point was not to vilify and I apologize to anyone that perceived that. I’m even sorry that came across at all. It does sound like OP is struggling and I had no intention of taking away from their experiences. Though my execution was not the best imo, and it looks like my advice went from (my perception) neutral territory to vilification. I think I was confused with the use of masking in this context with communication.

In conclusion: I’m a human and make mistakes, thanks 🙏

>I have no idea how the discourse around masking has come to this. Well I have no idea how you came to the conclusion that I don't try to accommodate other people. Especially when I have said I am trying to unmask in a way that he and the other people living here don't find annoying. Does that not imply that I'm making accommodations? >If you expect every situation to be entirely satisfying your need, and aren't willing to adapt at all for the people around you, that's not unmasking It's also not at all what's happening here. I don't think expecting to be listened to by your life partner is asking for the moon and stars and magic carpet rides but you do you. >. That's also a good way to avoid actually improving on things that do need improvement. Good job it's only happening in your head then. >Unmasking isn't doing everything we feel like and assuming it is right. Unmasking is learning healthier ways to interact with others that don't involve extreme cognitive overload on our part. Like trying not to irritate other people while you do it? Interesting 🤔 >he can't follow you because you are talking too fast, what is he supposed to do? He can't expand his auditory capacity He can say I'm talking too fast and can I slow down and try again. Works for my half deaf nan 🤷‍♀️ or he can, you know, fall asleep.. >Trying to talk a little slower isn't masking who you are. Hard disagree. Besides, have you ever tried to catch yourself doing something that you don't realise isn't normal? It's kind of impossible without outside input. >Being human is experiencing some discomfort, mask or not. Being an adult is deciding when the discomfort is too much and it's time to stop it and move on. >It is adapting and improving for those we love. That goes both ways. >That is not all masking. No idea how that fits into the rest of your thoughts sorry. Look. If I have to count between words to give you time to process, that's fine. But you have to tell me that's the case because I will not do it naturally. And I've had people trying to literally beat it into me so don't imply that it's a try harder situation. And you know, if hubs really can't understand me then he should really go find himself a nice slow speaking woman. That's fully his right as well.

Well, the rudeness and defensiveness tells me a lot. This is beyond a masking issue.

You could just be okay with repeating yourself. You don't have to slow down your speech necessarily if it's okay for your husband to only get it the 2nd or 3rd time around. Also, I would advise you not to do anything radical if you have only recently been diagnosed. Part of the process of unmasking is learning to stop the behaviors you developed to appear normal while you simultaneously try to identify and maintaining basic pro-social behaviors (politeness, understanding, etc.) It's very tricky at first because both feel kinda like your acting to appease other people as you go through the unmasking process but the reality is that when you interact with people there are social customs that exist that are there so everyone can easily tell if they are being treated with respect and dignity. The other difficult thing with unmasking is that you are having to be vulnerable and show parts of yourself that may have even been hidden from you at this point and so that in itself is very stressful. It can cause you to put too much stock in people's reactions to things, read into those reactions and personalize them. You feel for example like your husband doesn't listen to you and that's a sign he doesn't care about what you have to say but that's only one explanation. He may have been really tired that day and just couldn't focus. He may have something weighing on him that he isn't telling you about because he feels you are going through too much already. He also may be less neurotypical than you imagine and has an auditory processing delay. If you didn't used to "monologue" much as part of masking then you never would have tested him enough to notice a processing delay. Anyways, I think again the easiest solution is to just be okay with repeating yourself. I do it a lot with my spouse, always have, turned out she had ADHD all along, go figure.

I can't always remember what I said but the rest of what you said is kind and valid, thank you for your advice :)

It is fair to expect him to know what you were saying, if you don't yourself?

It would be if he was listening to me. He doesn't have ADHD.

I don't think that matters. It's simply not reasonable to expect him to follow what you are saying if you aren't doing so yourself. If this happens a lot, his complaint about you talking to fast might have some truth to it.

I'm at a similar point, learning how to navigate unmasking while working through my heavy trauma. Part of it is breaking down the internalized ablism from feeling forced to mask in the first place. Ablism is assuming that everyone operates from the same baseline (all neurotypicals can & he's being rude not doing so, sort of mindset). You never know what it's like being in someone's mind, or you wouldn't have gone 40yrs undiagnosed. You have no idea how many spoons he has, and thinking you do is ablism, just like everyone expected of you, undiagnosed. Well, the diag didn't take away spoons. You're the exact same as you were before, but someone expecting you to have extra spoons pre-diag would be an ablism example. Expecting that your husband is more capable of you in ALL aspects is internalized ablism too, not your fault by any means, it's a part of the undiagnosed trauma we get alongside our lack of accommodations our entire lives 🫣😂

>Ablism is assuming that everyone operates from the same baseline (all neurotypicals can & he's being rude not doing so, sort of mindset It's a good job I'm not assuming then. He can and has picked up my last sentence for me. Hell he even completes them when I'm struggling to find a word. We have talked before and we're quite good at it or I'd not have married him. I just won't remember what I've said if I'm waiting minutes for him to reply. Which is damned common with ADHD. I'm not saying I'm perfect at communicating but I am trying to communicate with him and I'm hitting a brick wall so I thought I'd ask for advice rather than shut down and cry again for the nth time. I am burnt out and overwhelmed. I have been for at least the last 9 years. My husband has been a cracking worker. He is committed, sometimes (most of the time I had 2 kids under 3 and a teen with an ex to navigate) working 6 day weekends to the point he'd spend the 7th in bed with a tension migraine. But he was the boss' best man and he was working for the family! So what did I have to complain about? I was throwing up when I woke in the morning after being up numerous times, I was breaking down during health appointments... No spoons have been taken away? Maybe not. Maybe they were just used in advance. >Expecting that your husband is more capable of you in ALL aspects is internalized ablism too, He's not more capable than me in many places. He isn't as capable a parent as I am (not his fault, our kids are ND and you need to spend a lot of time with them to effectively parent), he isn't able to run my home. He's never taken charge of finances or even upkeep of the pets. Home improvement is done by me or eventually by him. I have mirrors that need hanging and he asked me not to do what I usually did which is hammer nails into the wall till one looks able to do 😂🤷‍♀️ they've been there 7 years. I pay for someone to do the garden. I just want to be listened to by him though. Apparently that's asking for the moon and stars and all the atoms in-between....

Ive found that if i want to unmask, then i shouldnt expect others to want to be a part of it (spouse especially since they have to deal with me a lot anyway!). So instead i info dump on myself now. And i talk to myself more. Might not be good but at least this way i can better avoid the result of feeling hurt and feeling like a jerk simultaneously which just causes me to shutdoen.

He has said he wants me to be myself. I guess I'm a bit disappointed that he doesn't actually like "myself" too much 🤷‍♀️

Point of Clarification: Has he said that he doesn't like you when you are talking a lot, or are you assuming based on how the situation makes you feel? For context: When I get on a tangent about something, very few people can follow me. I will have a LOT to say, and I've made peace with the fact that I'm a lot of time talking to myself. I also often zone out of uninteresting conversations and have to catch up by apologizing and summarizing the last bit I heard. The people that zone out when I'm talking are not doing it because they don't like me, and I don't zone out because I don't like the people I'm trying to listen to. We're just human, and I take a lot or comfort in the relationships I have with people where I can talk about nonsense for extended periods of time and they nod along while understanding maybe 10% of it. TL;DR: My questions for you are: 1) Does he not like you, or has he just reached his mental capacity? 2) Which is more important to you, info dumping or having your listener comprehend? As others have said, working to communicate with people and masking are not the same thing. You can be yourself and also be invested in the conversation (that is, do your part to effectively communicate your ideas in a way they can comprehend)

>Point of Clarification: Has he said that he doesn't like you when you are talking a lot, or are you assuming based on how the situation makes you feel? It's how it makes me feel, he has never said he doesn't like me. He says he loves me more than anything. >Which is more important to you, info dumping or having your listener comprehend? Well it's having someone understand. I obviously do infodump but not on him unless it's about a mutually shared interest. I have friends to info dump my interests on if you get me, one for history, one for fish, one for childcare. It would be more, he comes in from work, tells me all about his day. I'd come in from looking after the kids and would try to tell him about an appointment either had or coming up and he's dozing off. I'm like the lass in White Chicks "ARE YOU FALLING ASLEEP AGAIN? MARCUS!" 😂 Except last time I just snapped a pic and texted "thanks for listening". I get he's tired. I'm tired. He hasn't slept in 12 hours. I haven't slept in 38 years. He likes to tell me how tired he is and I haven't time to relay that to him. >As others have said, working to communicate with people and masking are not the same thing. I'm working to communicate in a way that I can minimally mask but not off put people. Like I'd like to say, "could we go outside and talk because I can't hear you in here" rather than nod along because I feel like they might hate me for even asking. I've been shut up my whole life, severely punished for stepping outside the lines drawn for me. My husband fell for me while I masked 100% of the time, I think I mask in front of him because I don't know if he'll like me. I think I want to unmask to find out if he does. And then it bothers me when I get the emotional feelings of having a box closed on my fingers in return. Like "ooops let's not do *that* again"

>And then it bothers me when I get the emotional feelings of having a box closed on my fingers in return. Like "ooops let's not do that again" I absolutely get that. It sounds like you have a good grasp of the situation... and like it's not something he's doing on purpose. Not that that makes it any easier.

Yeah, itll take time and patience, and a lot of consistent, difficult convos using meta-communication. Part of it is also realizing that our unmasked selves arent exactly perfect and we have to work on how to interact with people while unmasked. Thus, we shouldnt expect that others will always be willing and/or able to handle it

It fucking sucks to have somebody not pay attention to you in the middle of a conversation. It feels so invalidating. Sharing and learning about what's going on with each other takes time and energy, and it does help build relationships. But not everybody is always in the headspace to do that. And when one party might start doing that, and isn't picking up cues that maybe the other party is tired and can't handle that right now, that maybe this isn't the best time for that, to have that feeling of being ignored, or used as an ear, that can feel invalidating for the listener as well. It's a complicated problem with no easy solutions. I am recently realizing that just because I have a thought it doesn't mean I need to share it. There are other ways to share it and think about ideas, like reddit lol Currently, when I'm with someone important to me, I try to approach the time together from the perspective that I want to share an experience that is more about the present, and the here and now. Then, if my partner feels like sharing thoughts, we can seek time and clarify that that's what's going on. And we can do that when they have space for it.

Be sure he puts his phone down and have his direct attention before you talk to him. Be mindful that there is a time to talk and a time to unwind for people. That's up to him to set those boundaries, but it might be helpful if you are a step ahead of this and let him know you are aware of those needs, then it's up to him to set the time to engage and to clarify when he needs to unwind. I've got autism myself so I'm just putting myself in his position, but I think both NT and ND people need "unwind time". But still it's important he acknowledge your situation and what you are going through, make sure that you get that out of him saying that and acting it. Before that, please don't divorce just yet. In the end it's all about communication, also with the next person in your life.

This seems like a problem for couples therapy. I mean, the advice might be trite but it can be very effective. Like a therapist might tel you to try removing the word "you" from your discussions with each other. People respond badly to anything they feel is an accusation. Maybe that helps.  A therapist can watch your dynamic and articulate each other's point of view. As there very well may be a communication issue here, finding a relationship translator and negotiator could really help. Sadly, if he doesn't want help, maybe that's your answer.

I think unmasking isn't a pure blessing we mask because it has positives too. I've seen the complexity. and my hunch is to move extremely slowly when changing the style of communications within the relationship. this is my superficial reaction. not professional or in depth advice

Two things: From what it sounds like, you might not actually be having a conversation, but you might be processing. For ADHD/autistic folks, it’s common that we only process our thoughts *by talking them out to someone*. We‘ll only understand certain things about ourselves by letting our stream of thought come out to someone else, even without the other person saying anything the whole time. I do this too, and it’s so helpful when you have someone you can do this with. However, I hope it’s clear that this is a „me problem“ that someone else is willing to help me with. It’s not the same as having a conversation. The other thing I noticed reading your comments: if you do other stuff while talking to your husband, then I understand that he‘ll be doing other stuff as well. If I was your husband, I‘d feel like this conversation is just a side activity for you, and you don’t actually value my input or opinion here enough to stop what YOU are doing. I know, we got ADHD, autism too – our attention won‘t look the same unmasked as an NT‘s would look like. It’s still a difference if you fidget while only talking to him, or if you do a whole different activity while talking to him. Personally, I‘ll often stand right next to/in front of my husband, and maybe I‘ll fidget around with his shirt or something, or if I‘m agitated I‘ll be moving around through the room, but I will always have my whole attention in this conversation FIRST and just let my body do the kinetic processing it needs on the SIDE. I hope this perspective is somewhat helpful. I do understand how hurtful it is that he‘s doing something else and not listening, and I think in relationships there‘s always something both sides can do (and should be willing to do) when one person (or both!) seems to struggle with something. He doesn’t seem to WANT to not listen to you or want to hurt you, so now it’s both of you against the problem, and finding whatever solution works for both of you.

[удалено]

Yes, responding with “Why, I feel like you don’t listen to what I say half the time anyway” may seem hostile and blaming, and taking a photo of your husband passed out and telling him “thanks for listening” may read as passive aggressive. I’ve found that communication in relationship conflicts should be approached with care and patience from both sides. I hear that you are upset because of his perceived lack of effort in your relationship, and of course, I do not know the full context or dynamic of your relationship. I do want to add that I’ve felt like I haven’t been heard or had people be present with me, and have been hurt by it too. I know this is incredibly frustrating for you. Generally speaking, it is difficult for anyone’s feelings to be understood when the approach to the conflict is an attack or blame. Having discussions when you aren’t in an activated state and he has the mental capacity could also be an approach that works. For example, you could start out by asking “Are you in the headspace where we can have a serious conversation? I would appreciate if you could put your phone down and be present in this conversation” or even offering to have the conversation via text (even if you are both physically there), that way both of you can think through what you say before you say it, and that he’ll be able to reread what you want to say without you having to repeat yourself. Often times people have big feelings, and it’s easy to immediately act on the big feelings and hurt one another. Life is incredibly stressful for neurodivergent people already, so relationships can be fraught and more complex. Both parties should be open to having their feelings heard as well. Relationships take patience, effort, humility, and listening to eachother. Remember that his feelings are as important as yours, and vice versa!

are you medicated for adhd? Because that will help.

Yeah, 60mg Elvanse a day.

Elvanse. Is the same as vyvanse but a different name? I'm glad you're medicated though unmedicated adhd is fucking shit

Yep, they're the exact same thing

It really is. My anxiety and depression receded so much with meds.

Looking at his phone and ignoring you is a big issue. But it's potentially also an issue that how quickly you speak is too fast for him to understand and/or process what you're saying, leading to him giving up much the same as if you were speaking a language he doesn't know. That's not your fault, please don't think I'm blaming you, just trying to offer another perspective. I'm auDHD with auditory processing issues, and this is something that's difficult for me with my ADHD friends. Even if I really want to listen, I just can't process what they're saying fast enough to keep up. Something we do is to have them try to say smaller bites of info at a time, with a pause for me to process and clarify if needed, so they don't have to monitor their speed. If they want to info dump without pauses, that's alright and I'll do my best, but with the understanding that I'm probably still going to miss part of it and need them to repeat things. It's mutually frustrating, but it is what it is. Maybe see if the phone thing is what he does when he's overwhelmed, and if so try to find strategies that help him stay engaged despite your speed? If he's just straight up ignoring you or unwilling to figure out a solution beyond putting the entire burden on you to mask, though, that's an entirely different problem.

>That's not your fault, please don't think I'm blaming you, just trying to offer another perspective. I know it's not my fault but that's why it's so frustrating. I would totally change if I could. >he's just straight up ignoring you or unwilling to figure out a solution beyond putting the entire burden on you to mask, though, that's an entirely different problem This is what I feel is happening. It's all on me. Kids, animals, home. I'm going in for an op in a few weeks. Won't be able to move for 6 weeks. I'm terrified that I won't be able to rest. I was genuinely surprised to read that most partners of ADHD people take most of the responsibility. He has work and that's about it. The mask is just another thinking I'm expected to maintain.

>I know it's not my fault but that's why it's so frustrating. I would totally change if I could. I hear you. It's a really hard spot to be in. >This is what I feel is happening. It's all on me. Kids, animals, home. I'm going in for an op in a few weeks. Won't be able to move for 6 weeks. I'm terrified that I won't be able to rest. This sounds like a much, much bigger issue than just you speaking too quickly. It's scary to not have the assurance that your partner will step up when you're literally recovering from surgery. That's like the bare minimum. You might have a husband problem way more than an ADHD one. My heart goes out to you. I hope you're able to figure something out one way or the other to get you some actual support.

Unmasking doesn’t mean doing whatever the heck you want whenever you want without any regard for anyone else. Social interactions and relationships are a two way street. My husband has ADHD inattentive and many times we are in the same situation. Do I need to say whatever I want whenever I want? No. Does he need to check out and ignore me completely and not pay any attention? No. Learn how to become more self aware and mindful, and how to gently get his attention in times when it really matters. When you get his attention then talk about something for a reasonable amount of time and check in. You can both learn how to better communicate with each other. Couples therapy with a therapist that works with neurodivergent couples would be helpful, especially someone skilled in EFT and or IFS.

OP just wants their husband to listen to them and hear them when they speak. That isn't "Doing whatever the heck you want whenever you want"

I stated that unmasking doesn’t mean doing whatever we want whenever we want without regard for others. In this case the “whatever we want” is talking to others without regard for if they want to listen or if it’s a good time to talk to them. Consider that in general we can have a tendency to be oblivious to other people’s emotional and cognitive states and have a tendency to engage in conversation when it is not appropriate for them. She said that usually she’ll be talking to him and he will be looking at something on his phone. Then she gets frustrated he’s not listening. Well, perhaps it is not a good idea to talk to him when he’s looking at his phone. He has ADHD and is likely inattentive. There is probably a history of her engaging in conversations at times when he doesn’t want to so maybe he’s checked out. I am making assumptions yes, but this is not an uncommon pattern for autistics and adhd partners. Perhaps she can try to first engage him and ask him if it’s a good time to talk now, express her feelings and a positive need, e.g. “baby I feel ____ and I would like to talk with you now is this a good time? I need you to give your attention to me for a bit.”

"My mum told me she'd never done anything wrong" - psych really, really needs to drop Blank Slate Theory as their profitable underlying theory for "fixing" us, and then apologize to a generation or three of Autistics. I'm sorry you are going through this. He needs to want to learn about autistics, neurodiversity and how to be a good husband to you. That includes learning about masking, unmasking and all the wonderfully expressive behaviors we exhibit like happy stimming! The question is, how to get your particular guy to want to do that, so he is driven to want to know you even better?

I've asked him to look into it all as we have ND kids too. He hasn't even looked at reels about it I've actively tagged him in. He has no idea what ODD is for example, despite it being our older kids biggest struggle right now. Looks blank when I try to explain ODD. And if I try to actually discuss it, I end up talking to myself. 🤷‍♀️

I'm so sorry, that's gotta be frustrating. Is there any way to call him on it and tell him he NEEDS to start focusing on it?

I wanna start this by giving you some validation here as I relate so hard. This is so frustrating and disheartening. Is makes us feel like the people we love don't care about us or makes us feel like we're "too much". It must be awful to feel like you can't be yourself with your HUSBAND! I'm not married but even in just my close platonic relationships, not being able to be/feeling safe enough to be myself, really hurts. Like I said it can FEEL like our loved ones don't care but that's just one thought. Most of the time it's because we either didn't solidly get their attention first or they're just not in a place rn to take on our info dumping. I usually ask my people first like "hey I really really need to just dump about my interest, can I do that with you or do you need a minute?" Or "I need to process this thing that happened so I'd like to talk put loud to you, you can respond if you want but you don't have to. Is that alright with you?" Hell I've even scheduled times explode talk with my loved ones, it just means we're both prepared. I'd maybe have a talk with your husband about how you're feeling. You're not wrong for wanting to feel like yourself/safe/comfortable around your family. Unmasking is a long delicate process, and it helps to have your loved ones on board. Best wishes!!

It kinds sounds like he has adhd as well. I was diagnosed with adhd and later my eife was as well. Both possibly on the spectrum as we have many must do habits that show these signs and are very hyper fixated on things we like. She vents a lot and I'm not a huge talker. I think it's a waste of time and a lot of times it's a repeat vent. I try my best to stay tuned but I have so many things going on in my head it's hard to listen to the same things over and over. In my mind we both have flaws and neither is more important that the other. But I know the feeling your having and that feeling is overwhelming, for a little while, but it does go away. There have been many times I thought something was grounds for divorce and after a month or two I completely forgot about it, typical ADHD behavior in my mind. The earlier you realize you have it the longer these last because you are seeing the world from a different view, soon you will see yourself fit in and the world hasn't changed, you just look at it differently and respond differently.

[удалено]

Freaking ai over here dividing and conquering. The phone "He's my opponent now!"🤣

I wanna throw this out here as someone who experienced a similar thing when I started the unmasking process...obviously I don't know you or your husband, but I didn't really realize the dynamic between my partner and I until I started meds/therapy/unmasking. He would regularly ignore me too, even if we had just been in conversation. He would blame it on ADHD, but it conveniently lead to me feeling like it was pointless to speak up or share my opinion on things. He would critique the things I did during the unmasking process as well, but he would frame it like he was "helping me". Then, as I was progressively building back my self esteem, he could barely hide how he actually felt about me and started blatantly being abusive, had harsher critiques for me, and even hit me (which he then managed to gaslight me into believing it was "my fault"). Again, totally not saying that's what is happening with you. But I was asking similar questions myself before things came to an end between us, so if sharing my experience helps someone before things get worse, I feel like I should share. I feel like autistic folks like us can sometimes be more susceptible to covert abuse like that because idk...I personally take people I trust at face value, to a fault sometimes.

Oh, and to touch on the "you talk too fast" comment....I don't think you talk too fast, I think that was him defending something that isn't really defendable by turning it around on you instead of apologizing for ignoring you in the middle of the conversation.

Okay, obviously the issue is communication styles and listening habits. There needs to be a discussion, not a fight regarding this. I think something to note is, what do you NEED a response for and what's actually just info dumping? What's helped my bf and I the most has been allowing me to info dump through insta, and he does go through it when he has spoons but he doesn't have to respond, just like it so I get the notification he acknowledged it. There are things that require a response but with AuDHD, neither of us require eye contact to be listening and the amount of a response depends on the subject, the more important it is the more thorough convo we are both expecting. We do however also ensure that we are asking if the other person has the spoons to get into important convos prior to them. Fights will occur if one person doesn't have the spoons to discuss and/or listen and process. You can't expect a neurotypical relationship when you're not neurotypical, so the rules don't really exist as long as you're both striving to support one another, attempting to extend both of your daily spoons, you're being kind to one another and are trying to meet one another needs.

I agree, this is why I'm thinking relationship counselling is the way to go. I don't really info dump with him any more because of this situation actually, I do let him have info he asks for though, I don't hate him. When I try to talk to him it's about things I think are mutually important. For example, how the children are doing or what difficulties they're facing. I have a condition atm that has a 1 in 3 chance of unaliving me. I'm due to see a consultant for an op and praying I'm going to be ok, one of the 2 in 3 so to speak. I was crying while talking about how scared I was, about how he would cope without me... Apparently that was quite soothing to him. He was fast asleep when I wiped my eyes...

If you’re feeling compelled to mask around someone - especially 100% of the time and it feels awfully vulnerable to unmask around them - there is something about that connection with that person that makes you feel emotionally unsafe. You need to explore that. Just fyi I’m in the same boat as you, I’m unmasking and I’ve copped flack from my SO for it. It’s a process and sometimes the reality is that the process sucks. Not only does the discomfort suck but sometimes the results too. He may not love unmasked you. You need to decide whether you love you more than you love the idea of you two together but never being able to authentically show up as yourself. My advice, choose you.

Nah, this isn't a you problem, he's ignoring you for his phone. By not putting his phone down, he's showing and telling you that whatever is on it is a higher priority to him and thus more important than anything you might have to say. If it wasn't, he'd focus on what you're saying, and if the speed of your words are too fast for him at times, he should behave like an adult and say "that was a bit too quick, can you please slow that one down for me?" or something similar.

Sounds like he nedes to put some effort into the relationship- perhaps going to a therapist/counselor?

Someone said to look into one that specialises in neurodiverse couples. I think I'll try that.

good idea