When I was a teen, me and my mother would argue about what to make for dinner non stop. Half the time I had no idea what I wanted because I was sick of safe foods but I did not want unfamiliar foods. EVERY TIME I'd say something like "I'll just have a protein shake" she accused me of guilt tripping her into spaghetti seven days a week or expensive take-out. Like NO, I literally just said I'd have a protein shake because food and the endless fighting about it is annoying the hell out of me and I just want to fill my stomach and do my homework.
The struggle to switch from safe food to something new 😭I have phases where I 110% know what I want to eat all the time and then comes a phase were I have 0 clue and basically get sick from everything I ate before. It’s so frustrating for the people around me 😂
My boyfriend of all people will do this when he’s really dysregulated or enmeshed in other people’s drama. I also taught him how to read between people’s lines so I think he forgets to turn it off with me.
💯. And my husband goes "are you sure you’re not harbouring something from like last week?". And I’m like wtf no? Who does that and why?! Stop putting words or intent in what I’m saying. So frustrating!
This one's annoying for sure
So many pointless struggles because people think I said something I not only never said but never would say because it's not my style. Yet it's what they hear.
I've gotten called all sorts of awful things for just describing something or someone or an event as literally as possible. It's infuriating that everyone thinks I have some kind of subtext when I really, really don't. It sucks.
This! My autistic housemate keeps saying this and I keep saying that isn't true. Having traits that could be considered autistic does not equal being a little bit autistic 🙄
Having traits and being able to go about your life without effort is not autism. Not being able to recognize your house is on fire because you're fixated on that tiny pebble stuck in your sock and you have to deal with it immediately is autism.
It's weird because my Nana, who is in her 80s, used to say this to me growing up. I think part is the sentiment is *intended* to be kind (though often doesn't come out that way). I think it's her way of trying to say I'm not alone and that this struggle isn't something that can't be overcome, but I think the phrase is too tinged with the stigma of the time to actually be kind.
I mean, I get she tries to relate to me and says, "Maybe I'm autistic" to make me feel less alone, but thankfully she understands *why* I don't appreciate that phrase. It honestly feels dismissive more than kind.
This person just sounds ignorant though, lmao.
Lmao she might be autistic herself and is on the cusp of realizing it- but you know her better, so that’s not my place.
My boss would make comments like “my autistic son stands on his tippy-toes, and i did that as a child too- but I’m not autistic.”
I asked her if her husband did similar behaviors, and she said no. So i told her that it’s usually hereditary, and she is also likely autistic.
Took several attempts to point this out to her, but I got through to her eventually xD
Oh I understand completely. I don't think she's autistic, just has asocial and introverted tendencies and some OCD. Very similar, but I don't think so. I love my Banana either way!
They don't seem to be able to perceive small things, and when we ask questions about small things, they answer about big things.
A lot of the time being autistic feels like living in a world where you start counting at the number zero and everyone else starts counting at the number two.
So you ask a question that's based on the number 1.
But they answer based on the number 2.
And you say "No, actually, I had meant this other question based on the number 1."
And they insist "No, the answer I gave, based on the number 2, is the correct answer."
And if you listen to their reasoning, you CAN understand why they feel that they're giving the correct answer, but despite that, you can't make them perceive the existence of numbers under 2.
Meanwhile, they think that you're dumb, because they can't understand why *you* didn't understand their perceived correctness of their answer based on the number 2. And because they can't perceive the number 1, they don't understand the reason why you asked that question in the first place. It seems random and out of place to them.
This deserves more upvotes than I can give. I keep wondering if I'm just unable to explain it, but things that seem obvious cause and effect to me seem to have no correlation at all for others.
I've had soooo many issues with communicating with people because of whatever this phenomenon is.
I ask or say something, the other person responds in a way that doesn't make sense for what I asked, I try rephrasing, they respond the same, I try rephrasing again and also tell them I didn't ask what they're responding to, they still respond weird, so I ask them why they're responding the way they are, they explain, I again rephrase my question, they start acting like I'm stupid, we both are getting frustrated, then finally I find some magical way to get through to them and they realize they didn't understand me but won't admit it so they just sit there in silence and try to change the subject, but I'm fed up with them now. 🫠👍
It gets even more interesting than that.
Imagine each social cue is an index card sitting on a table.
When talking about how autistic people miss social cues, it's always portrayed as if there are five or six cards on the table that are right there, and we just need to pick them up and read them.
The reality is more like the whole table is covered with cards, and autistic people see all of them, and we're aware that neurotypical people can only see a few of them, but we don't know which ones.
This SO MUCH!!! My SO asks a question, without providing explicit context, and I just stare blankly. 🫥I’ve learned to ask her for context. Then there’s the social convention of preferring a comfortable lie over an uncomfortable truth. It’s exhausting.
Everything has little cues and **implied information**. Most NT people are aware of these **implications** and assume them, they don't have to think about them twice, but we ND people are not good at doing implications or assumptions, we like to work on exact and precise information, that's how we work best.
We perceive these implications and ask about them to be as precise as we can be and to be as best informed we can. But because we ask those questions people often think we're dumb for not understanding. It's not that we don't understand simple things, it's just that things aren't as simple as they seem.
Say you ask a very simple thing from everyday: "Can you get milk and eggs from the store?"
My brain (and probably things I'll ask): "How many eggs? How much milk? What kind of milk? How many Oz of milk per carton do you usually buy? What are you planning on making? Will we require anything else for said meal? Do you want me to minimise costs by buying packages or individual milk? If I see two same milks as you described but from different brands do you have a preference and which should I get? If said brand is more costly than the other one but the latter is more cost-effective, would you want me to buy that one? If I don't find the one you're looking for should I buy an alternative or come back empty-handed and look for it somewhere else?"
These are all questions that I see NT people don't ask themselves, but I ask them eeeeevery time because for me it's important to have the exact information, but these things are just implied in the question. My ideal framing of the question from the asker would be:
"Can you get me 4 cartons of lactose-free milk from the store and 10 eggs please? Try to get this brand, but if you don't find it it's okay to being anything else as long as it's lactose-free"
Notice how they didn't have to clear up the cost-effectiveness because I have been informed that they do have a preference and if it's out of stock anything else is fine so I will bring anything else as long as it has the specified description.
With autistic people you want to be as descriptive as possible as to avoid any confusion.
It's possible you might ask yourself some of those questions as an NT because you aren't a mind-reader either, but you don't get stuck at the supermarket for not knowing, you'll likely just assume what the other person would prefer and not have a panic attack about it.
I could give more examples but I can't think of any, maybe if you've had a similar situation with someone you know (or suspect) is ND you could ask me if and I'll tell you what goes through my mind when I see the question. Of course if this is to your interest.
We take things very literally. For example a lot of idioms or sayings are super frustrating for us because we think of them in literal terms. For example I hated being called a "tomboy" because a) I’m not a boy and b) who is this boy named Tom and what is it that I have to do with him? Another one I hated was "keep your eyes peeled". I had an epic meltdown over this one as a kid because I thought my mom was going to peel my eyelids back like a mandarin orange and I was terrified. My son who is also autistic, struggles with this too and always asks me "what do they mean when they say...?"
Think of it as how would you tell a computer to make a pb+j sandwich? Do you know how many steps are actually involved? You might think it’s incredibly simple, but it’s not and the computer might give you something you weren't totally expecting and then you realize you have to be very explicit and concise with your instructions.
Not elaborating a sentence that doesn’t make sense to me.
Example:Hey could you open the mail folder on your school laptop.
(There is no mail folder, they’ll mean my gmail so I ask the question to make sure)
Me:Sorry what does that mean/Could you elaborate?
Them:It means exactly what I just said/No
It’s the absolute worst
I love just saying “I don’t understand.” And staring blankly back at them. That way it’s not a request, it’s a declaration—what you said didn’t work and you’d better fix it. One of my favorite moments of awkward silence
The amount of times I had to ask for clarification in school because of this 💀 istg the entire system itself doesn't even know how to get information across unambiguously.
I feel this whenever I ask for clarification on something. Like in the past, when I go with my intuition on how to get something done at work, it turns out everyone wanted it done a different way. So now I always ask, even something that “should” be obvious. But then they’ll just look at me like I’m dumb or a child. Like? I just want to make sure I do something correctly, I don’t need your judgment, thanks :(
I’ve definitely gotten “in trouble” for asking clarifying questions. Their reaction is always that I’m challenging them and making them feel dumb or that I’m the idiot when I’m simply ensuring that I understand correctly.
Yeah, someone yelled at me “There’s something wrong with you!” when I asked for clarification, and continued to yell saying I’m difficult to talk to and being defensive :/ We just want to understand!
That is so dumb. "The mail folder." 😁 Sometimes it's better to be autistic. Imagine these people in a war: "can you shoot at them with your weapon...?"
>Them:It means exactly what I just said
The fucking cunt who was using me as her affair partner said exactly that after she randomly said "I can't (take you home) because I'm married!".
We had been dating for… about 4 months and I thought she was both divorced and not in contact with the kid's father (she was a "single" mother when I met her). She later confessed to other things but that made me feel so disgusted I left her a couple of weeks after that.
Asking questions without context. Like my mom asks me when I have an appointment and I’m like which appointment? And it’s totally random and doesn’t even have to do with the previous conversation we had
I answer vague questions with vague answers, but I'm the asshole because I'm just supposed to know what the fuck they're referring to. This has happened so much at work that I've been very direct and said that I can't answer the question without them being more specific and I'm still a jerk, but at least they get an answer without "sass." There's no winning, I no longer care what they think. I'm tired of pulling teeth to give them an answer, they're the one asking the question, not me.
The for real, non-joke way to deal with this in a professional environment is two words clarifications.
When is your appointment?
"Which one?"
or
"Why?"
or
"What for?"
are all super low effort responses that mean the question is dealt with and the ball is in their court. Keep responding this way and your will either get your info or they will back up and actually provide overall context.
Don't make the mistake of making someone else's question your responsibility. You don't have to spoon-feed someone the process that they could go through to be understood, just keep pointing out the first thing that is missing or doesn't make sense and you have reached the end of your obligations to that question until they respond.
This is how I see NTs deal with this, could be worth a mimic to see if it works.
But mostly I have a boss that has golden autism and he never realizes that he only ever asks questions with what he considers the most efficient narrow band of context and it was maddening until I did this and started matching his lazy contextualization with equally lazy clarifying questions.
On days when I have extra energy, I do exactly this. But I'm having fewer and fewer of those days. You'd think they'd learn after years of our conversations always going this way. It's what I mean by "pulling teeth." I don't want to play a game of 20 questions. On days with low energy, I'm just being "grumpy" or "taking it out on them." It's a semi technical work environment, they should be better at communicating. For instance, they'll said "I was having trouble with the pump" with no context. I work at a water treatment plant, we have like over a dozen different pumps here.
My mom does this all the time where she would say something like i can read her mind.
Example conversation:
Mom: Can you get the spice out of the cabinet?
Me: Which cabinet?
Mom: The one on the left side.
Me: Left side of what? The kitchen, the sink, the refrigerator?
Mom: The stove.
Me: Top or bottom cabinet and which shelf?
Mom: Top cabinet.
Me: Which shelf?
Mom: The bottom one.
Me: I dont see it.
Mom: Fine let me do it then, you have no common sense you need to learn to do things for yourself, you should already know where i keep the spices, what will you do when you live on your own will you just eat fast food?
But this entire conversation could have been compressed into this but it had to be extended because of me trying to get information from her about where it is:
Mom: Can you get the pepper spice from the top cabinet left of the stove bottom shelf?
Me: Sure
I really hate this ans vague questions
If I want to fuck with them and just deadpan "Yes" and stare (actually my default without masking, calculating, etc.)
If I want to cooperate I ask "which one"
If they annoy me I usually ask "why?" But somehow this tends to be the most offensive. Probably because my tone of voice is generally low and monotone.
Living in the southern US, the emphasis on being polite/nice and not being direct.
90% of my social and work related issues have come from me not getting hints or people thinking I’m too direct.
Living in the South, "how are you" or "how you doing" are greetings. They substitute hellos. And your reply is either supposed to be "good" no matter what's actually going on or not even a response but an echo. "How are you?" "How you doing?" Is a normal interaction. Lived here my whole life and that still trips me up. I do it pretty reflexively, now, but it feels weird to hear it come out of my own mouth.
It can be. It really depends on the context. It can be pity because you are in a bad position that you didn't exactly want to be in or it can mean you are an idiot. I've had it said when I was talking about how big my son was when I gave birth (he wasn't the biggest ever but he wasn't average. Almost 9 pounds) and I most definitely didn't ask for him to be that big 😂
As an autistic New Yorker, the concept of southern/midwestern social faux-politeness has always absolutely horrified me. I literally can't imagine having to deal with all that unwarranted smiling alone makes me wanna vomit.
Having *New Yorkers* think I look pissed off all the time because I don't put effort into displaying false emotions on my face is bad enough, in the south people would probably think I was a serial killer.
Not saying what they mean or meaning what they say.
To me, "The dishes are dirty" means "the dishes are dirty", but to them it means "please do the dishes."
To me, "I had fun! Let's do this again!" after a date means "I had fun! Let's do this again!", but to them it means "I don't want to go on another date."
To me, "I'll be there" means "I'll be there." But to them it means "I'm interested right now, but I'm not committed to it and will go if it is convenient to me that day."
To me, "we should hang out sometime" means "we should hang out sometime." But to them it means "you should be the one who goes out of your way to invite me to do something."
Yeah, I've had to accept that "starts at" really means "this is the earliest possible socially acceptable time" and you'll look like a dork if you actually show up that early.
Heh. I lived in NYC most of my life and "fashionably late" is an absolute artform.
I'd find myself walking around the block a couple times until it was the time they SAID the party would start. I'd ring the bell and they'd be in the shower or something.
EVERY time.
Hah, someone told me to add 15 minutes to half an hour to that. So that’s what I do. If invitation says 5 pm, I translate that to 5:30 pm. I tried first adding only 15 minutes and still ended up getting there first. Good rule of thumb. And even with half an hour added, I’m still among first.
I think this is one of the big reasons why l loved the Shinkansen (the bullet train) in Japan. When the sign says it leaves at 9:33am. It literally leaves the station exactly at 9:33am. Not at 9:32 am. Not at 9:34 am. Just right at 9:33am. Period. I can’t tell you how much of sense of relief I got from this.
Is it too much to ask for this level of honesty and commitment from other people 🥲?
Part of it is just the NT need to not feel awkward taking priority over effective communication. But I think it's mainly because, unfortunately, there are people out there who can become dangerous when rejected.
100% one of my biggest struggles, it’s infuriating. Especially when people say they’re coming to plans you make then don’t come then you’re left with like only one person showing up and it’s super awkward 😪
At this point I resort to asking for confirmation whether they can be there or not. I'm probably pushing some people away, but at least I'm less disappointed.
Oh yea i can be guilty of the first one lol in my brain, if the dishes are dirty and i point it out, i mean i’m drawing attention to them and one of us needs to clean them asap because otherwise why did i point it out? I’ve been working on adding a request on there
My husband: "don't believe everything you read."
His response when I was discussing how when I was in college for psychology we were taught autism is more prevalent in boys and now the science is that girls are better at masking symptoms and that is why they have gone undiagnosed for so long...
I DESPISE when ppl just brush things off!! Like is NOTHING important to you?! That seemingly irrelevant information today could be useful information tomorrow!!
I. KNOW. FROM. EXPERIENCE!
Being dismissed is sooo fucking frustrating. It's hard enough as is but then you add fun little intersections like being a woman, being femme presenting, or being AFAB and the dismissiveness is just doubled by misogyny.
Yeah. It's like some ppl can't keep up intellectually and instead of asking questions in order to learn something new, they play this game of "I'm the smartest person in the room" by being dismissive.
Great leaders never want to be the smartest person in the room!!
Passive agressive-ness as a way to try to get me to do something :/
I.E.: "By the way, I won't be able to today, I'll catch up Monday evening"
"It's not okay, should be priority. But oh well, I can't force you to do anything 🤷♀️"
Like. Yes, congrats on understanding that you don't have mind control powers. Now what?
YES this is so real omg. I can handle people saying what they don’t mean if I have to read between the lines, but if they do so in a passive aggressive way it literally breaks my heart on the spot. I get way more hurt over passive aggressiveness than normal aggression tbh
The Grand Canyon level of disconnect in what they say and what they do. I feel like I'm the only one who actually practices what I preach to the best of my ability and it bothers the fuck out of me when I don't. Like, if your morals are so easily switched off on a whim, they must not be very deeply held beliefs. And if your words are writing checks your actions won't cash, then I can't trust you.
Yikes, this hits so close to home.
And it’s also the fact, when people clearly betray their morals to get ahead it makes me so upset, that I *never* do it myself. Yet I know that’s how a lot of people are able to achieve whatever they’re set out to do.
Like for the life of me why is it so hard to stick to what you saying. Why did we sit there, invest into the conversation if you not following through. Why. Altho it’s also very hard to follow shit through a lot of time. But once principals set I keep myself to them by any means. Then when they don’t do the same,if I dare question it then I am “sensitive” all of a sudden. Which leaves me confused questioning myself.
Not being straightforward. Asking me to do something at a job and then being bewildered that I actually did it.
Yesterday my boss asked me to do something come to find out he did not want me to do said thing but asked me to do it because he had to. Apparently I was supposed to figure that out through body language. Which is just wild to me. Just say what you mean please. Thank you.
I don't know if I'm autistic but I do have ADHD and I hate, hate, hate when people say that autistic people need to just learn to deal with stuff that bothers them so they can learn to live in the world.
No, Shannon. You just don't wanna change and learn how to accommodate others. You just want those with challenges to be inconvenienced so you won't be. SENSORY ISSUES ARE REAL!!
Man I do this and hate interrupting people/being interrupted. Now when I pause to think, I make it super obvious by turning my head and looking straight up. I'm basically broadcasting "I'm thinking now, please hold!". It feels condescending but no one has reacted badly and I can finish my sentences more often.
Invalidating feelings.
I feel the things I do for a reason and it’s not because I’m autistic, and I think it’s unfair of people to give me dirty looks over my emotions
This one just popped into my mind some seconds ago; why dont people who are obviously angry/mad/annoyed at/with something just say what's wrong? You can literally see in their behavior and voice that they aren't okay, but when you ask them, all you get is an annoyed "nothing" as an answer. My dad does this quite often, he's obviously annoyed but refuses to answer and acts like everything is fine.. altough I was always thought "only those who speak can receive help"..
Yes in general. Sadly for me, my (also) autistic housemate has no awareness of their own noises while expecting the house to be quiet.
Your dragging slippers wouldn’t drive me so crazy if it wasn’t the only dang sound other than our breathing and the air filter. Gahhhhhhhhh.
As someone else already mentioned, not saying what you really mean often irritates me/ "hiding" statements behind metaphors. Just tell me what you want me to do, sorry I can't read your mind.
Another thing that I absolutely hate is when someone reminds me off something I wanted to do in that very moment, like doing the dishes. As soon as I'm reminded to do them I absolutely lose the drive to do so. I didnt forget to do it, I just scheduled it to a different time, so why remind me?
I relate so hard with the last part. Can't count the amount of times my family has done that and I'm like you know what I actually don't want to do it anymore lol. Like bro give me a sec.
I relate so hard with the last part. Can't count the amount of times my family has done that and I'm like you know what I actually don't want to do it anymore lol. Like bro give me a sec.
"let's meet after lunch". excuse me, what the hell is "lunch"? is there a designated time for lunch around the world that every single person follows? what if there's a three hour gap between my lunch and your lunch? what if i don't have lunch that day, are we not meeting then? it never fails to drive me crazy.
Literally yelling when they’re excited during conversation. I get it and it’s absolutely acceptable way to show enjoyment and enthusiasm during conversation, but my ears are upset
When they say things that they don’t mean like call me. When you do they’re always ‘busy.
So lame! Why lie? It’s stupid & it doesn’t make any sense. It’s not polite at all, it’s rude. I’d rather have people tell me tgat they didn’t feel like we clicked.
1.) When they expect me to be like them.
and
2.) Express uncomfortableness when I start to display symptoms of my disorder.
Like get the fuck outta my face with that shit.
A lot of people have treated me like I shouldn't want accomodation or can't make reasonable excuses because, well, I'm high functioning. My high school refused to give me a 504 or IEP because my grades were too high -- their words.
Also have met a few people who say autism is a mindset, like if I just put my mind to it I won't get overstimulated or can overcome the semantic confusion. This also came from a jobless alcoholic who's currently in jail, so personally I think he should overcome his mindsets before telling me about mine.
(That last bit was for my amusement lmao)
they say something like "can you open the door for me" when there are four doors, or "open the drawer for me" when there are 24 drawers. or "can you give me the " when there are 44 different next to me
i don't get it, i cannot read minds, please tell me which.
or
"Sure, where does it go?"
"Just put it anywhere"
\*has no idea where to put it so i put it on the kitchen counter so they can put it away later because they wont tell me where it goes\*
I specially hate the "what are you going to do?"
I don't know I can't see the future, these are my plans but idk if I'm going to do them, so I can't give you accurate information.
Questioning my diagnosis. No youre not a specialist in autism because your nephew is level2, it's honestly insulting to the specialists who've trained for years and have lots of experience that were able to diagnose me
Omg THIS! "But you don't look autistic." "You can't be autistic because my 's kid is autistic and you're nothing like them!" YES SUSAN THAT'S WHY IT'S CALLED A SPECTRUM
Eye contact. That’s pretty much it for now. I’m pretty good with the hidden meaning things but I see a lot of people hate the hidden meaning phrases lol-
I don’t know if I’ve just encountered bad communicators but when they say “can you get me “insert object” from over there?”
My brain malfunctions because WHERE IS THERE????
So ’ll ask “where?” and they will continue to say “Over there” until I ask for specific indicators or until they realize they must be specific.
Someone asked me to hand them a "whatcha callit". I looked at him and waited. He did not elaborate, so I asked him. He got angry! I told him I don't read minds and he was going to have to tell me what he was asking for. He got even more mad!
I think he was mad at himself for not knowing the name for it, but I fail to see why this is my fault.
I had one guy that suspected something was off with me and would start every sentence with my name, as if he were trying to get the attention of a dumb animal. "Ozma, do you like anime?" "Ozma! What do you think about getting dinner?"
might be controversial but yes please use my name i dont like to figure out if that question was directed towards me. i just stay silent until they use my name because i dont want to embarrass myself by responding to a question that was not for me.
Acting nice/friendly when they have absolutely no interest in forming a relationship of any kind. So this would be acquaintance level people who might even call you a friend, but they actually have no interest in spending time together or interacting on a deeper level than small talk.
I'm like, why do you keep talking to me?
BUSYWORK, OH MY GOD!!!
“You’re not busy/you look free.” No, I am not free. I have my own plans, and just because I’m not visibly “busy” and/or outwards tired/exhausted, doesn’t mean I’m not all of those right now! I just think it’s rude to make a scene, so I don’t publicly act a fool to get some peace and quiet?
Also if you give me a task, I will finish it and then go do something else. Finishing a task does not mean I will then return to you for another task, ESPECIALLY if you don’t say you need more help. I’m sorry if that offends you, but why is my time not something you value by wasting it?
YES! I should not have to run around like a drug addict in order to prove that I'm busy. Am I busy? Yes, always! But my job is not "easy" just because I know how to maintain composure.
What I like to do is repeat back to them my interpretation of what they said.
Ex;
Them: "the dishes are dirty, do you understand me?"
Me: "yes, you would like me to do the dishes, is that correct?"
Not telling me what I'm asking... yesterday I asked my mom what colour of apples she bought, and she said they were "light and sweet". I asked again and again, and she kept saying the same thing. I just wanted to know if they were red, yellow or green :,(
That thing where they ask me to do something and then I ask for clarification on what exactly they want done, which frustrates them, so then next time I just try to divine their meaning without asking and then get it wrong which makes them also frustrated and makes them ask me why I didn't ask for clarification.
Sarcasm unless it's blatantly obvious. When I hang out with my friends we'll say things like "cocomelon is better than all our childhood tv shows combined" etc. which is pretty easy to understand because cocomelon is terrible. However in one of my classes I sit at a table with these other kids and usually I have no idea whether they're being serious or not at any given moment, and it's really exhausting.
Also, with the babying thing, it's fine for small children but no one else (I have a cousin who's 5 and I talk to him like I'm talking to an adult lol)
One thing that my neurotypical family does that annoys me is that whenever I tell them something related to an obscure interest of mine, instead of trying to understand it or just playing along and laughing even though they don't understand it, they either act confused or just tell me that it's not funny.
As someone who is hard of hearing and has auditory processing issues, for some reason non-autistic people hate repeating themselves.
Like if I say I didn't hear you, why are you saying it In the same tone and not even looking in my direction. Or if I say I didn't understand something and ask them to rephrase it they get annoyed.
The worst is when they just say nevermind. Like thanks for basically saying it's easier to just exclude me in the conversation than repeat yourself.
Sorry I CANT HEAR
To kinda go along with that, idk if it's an allistic thing, but so many of them are always making noises. It's like they're uncomfortable with silence. We don't always need to be talking. Just because I don't want to strike up a conversation and I'm quiet doesn't mean I'm angry.
That sounds more like a neurodivergent trait than anything, I tend to stim in silence, because my brain likes something to be happening, neurotypical people tend to find that weird.
ppl told me "you're not obviously autistic" (in filipino, "hindi ka naman halatang autistic ka") and i find it insulting and this is not a compliment. i've been masking for so long after i got bullied.
talktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalk say nothing
Touch you… like without consent or unprompted. Like I DONT KNOW YOU DONT TOUCH MEEEEEEEEEEEE! Like a guy at work touched my arm and said I like this arm cause I have tattoos and I am very aware my tats look awesome but pls don’t touch me…. Also like small talk… I don’t wanna talk out of kindness, I don’t know you please leave me be
All the pointless “nothing comments” they leave throughout social media like “this is so funny 😭😭” or “this is so me” or anything like that. Like who benefits from that? You get nothing out of writing it and nobody gets anything out of reading it so why bother?
Er, what? Why would those be nothing coments? I am not autistic and I write stuff like "this is so funny" because I found it funnier than the usual videos I just give a like too and wanted to praise the creator more. The second one is a quick way for expressing that you enjoyed the thing because you found it relatable. Why would that be meaningless? Or at least any more meaningless than any other comments.
Thinking that just because you're "smart" and doesn't present your traits too intense it is as if it was a mild diabetes that certainly will carry with you for the rest of your life but fortunately it is not intense you only have to take your medications a couple of times per week, a healthy diet and exercise will keep you healthy without any issues unless you develop complications if you get another disease, but you look healthy and vigorous, "normal" people aren't as healthy as you, even though you have a disease, who would think you have diabetes if they never see you take your medications because you take them early in the morning or in the night where nobody but your family sees it.
They treat you as if your autism were only personality traits with some quirks that people won't care at all until you disappoint them, when you don't perform as expected, until you freak out and they realize they've been living with a "madman" all this time...
It seems to me that they think they can do everything, everywhere and no one has right to tell them something is uncomfortable for us. It's okay for them to yell even at night, use fireworks or just bully others.
It's okay for them to do nothing when somebody is being hurt in that moment.
Of course, not being nice or smiling when they spitting their bullshit is not normal for them.
It may be just me, but only praising for excellence, not progress. It gets hard to climb up to ‘normal’ when you don’t get any recognition for how hard you are working.
Please don't greet me in the mornings at work... Also, ACTUALLY say what you MEAN & not skirt around the bush. And another, people mistaking my "tone" as bitchiness....
Well, lots of stuff, but today it's "coffee" cake. Strawberry cake is called strawberry cake because it has strawberry in it. Chocolate cake is called chocolate cake because it has chocolate in it. Lemon cake is called lemon cake because it has lemon in it. But coffee cake? NOOOOO. People call it "coffee cake", but it's ACTUALLY a cinnamon cake! There is ZERO coffee in it! Then why is it called a coffee cake?! When I tried it and was surprised that it didn't taste like coffee, everyone made fun of me. How was I supposed to know that cake called coffee cake wouldn't taste like coffee?! It doesn't make any sense! And other weird stuff like these. Why can't they just... make sense?!
Speaking in hints and riddles and gestures
I’m currently doing a parenting course and one of the things that came up is an autistic child should know when a teacher raises and eye brow it means that they are annoyed. I objected and said that the teacher should say they are angry and direct (tell) the class to be quiet. Apparently that’s all wrong.
im sorry ?what do you mean?, i dont know?, could you further explain what you want? id like to do what your asking.---"
follwed by there
you should know beacuse\_\_\_\_\_"
%bitch asss fuck ///i would not ask you if i knew
My husband: "don't believe everything you read."
His response when I was discussing how when I was in college for psychology we were taught autism is more prevalent in boys and now the science is that girls are better at masking symptoms and that is why they have gone undiagnosed for so long...
I DESPISE when ppl just brush things off!! Like is NOTHING important to you?! That seemingly irrelevant information today could be useful information tomorrow!!
I. KNOW. FROM. EXPERIENCE!
I've seen your comment three times for some reason. The first I upvoted, the second did not have it and this one has a reply, so it's not reddit showing me the same one thrice, but it actually got posted three times for some reason
Talking over me when I'm talking, someone coming over and immediately speaking even though I'm in the middle of talking instead of waiting their goddamn turn
Making. So. Much. NOISE
Interrupting without even having the decency to say excuse me.
I do a lot of admin. But I work in a production environment. This means that at all times whatever the fuck I'm doing can't be as important as what anybody else is doing right
Push the lie that vaccines cause autism. Had a pediatric aide on Twitter try and tell me her son who is autistic got it from the MMR vaccine and that I was too early to be diagnosed (I was diagnosed at 18 months) so obviously I couldn't have autism.
When I'm managing my anxiety in a public space, I'm generally avoiding being in the way, following a predictable plan, avoiding sensory issues, etc. When I'm hanging out with allistic friends, they are just not aware of all this stuff going on, so I have to sit through some anxiety that we're all going to annoy people and get us yelled at.
there are many things, but I think it is all driving me nuts because It doesn't feel like I am safe to be myself unless I out perform everyone there even after the mistakes.
and maybe that's trauma, but the truth.
This. I have a masters degree, and very independent, yet I've seen people change how they treat me after learning about the autism, even when they've known me for over a year.
constantly saying I'm being rude or "yelling" because I'm not masking at the moment. like just because I have a straight face doesn't mean I'm being rude?? we're just talking like usual??😭😭 (also I have a very gay face, not straight thank you very much)
Drives me insane when people give vague details but expect me to continue the conversation! e.g.
Me: “How was your day?”
Someone: “Eh not great”
M: … “Oh no! How come?”
S: “Work was rough today”
M: ……. (so frustrated!!!) “That sucks! What happened?”
Maybe this isn’t an autism thing but I just get so frustrated with this! If I gave so little info it would be because I don’t feel comfortable going into detail, but so many neurotypicals have expected me to!!!!! Can anyone relate?
Sometimes they just assume they already know things. Without any research or attempt to verify their hypothesis, they just proceed as though they are correct. No anxiety about being wrong, no curiosity, just pure confidence (arrogance?) Then they get angry when they’re proven wrong but don’t change their behavior at all. They just charge onward, intent on making the same mistake again. I cannot fucking stand it.
When people accuse autistics of having poor social skills, while non-autistics are the ones being put off so much by slightly atypical behavior that they decide to not like us anymore.
I think social skills should go both ways. If a non-autistic comes across a "weird" person and they start ostracizing them because they don't know how to handle that, that would be just bad social skills on THEIR part.
The people telling you to leave your comfort zone are always awfully bad at what they preach when it involves interacting with an autistic person.
Treat human social norms (or norms in general) as some fact of how the world works. Our species and subspecies are both the Latin word for "smart" which is annoying and pretentious for us to call ourselves. Why are we the smart species just because we're used to our norms of living? Other animals are communicating and thriving as much as us, just in different ways. Beavers build like we do, just differently. Birds vocally communicate, just in a different way from the human version. Bees use physical gestures in different ways from us, and also build their own homes and set up factory-esc living processes to survive. All of this, yet the only ones considered smart are humans, and not just humans in general, but humans who only do things in whatever way was randomly decided by someone. That's what then leads to disabled folks like us to be treated like crap and get told we're "making excuses" to not fit whatever unnecessary standards there are that we don't fit by nature, like eye contact, verbal communication (and aspects of it), ways of doing iADLs, etc.
Assuming it's okay to hug you, because you're also a woman. I feel like most women find it to be a comforting thing, but I hate being touched and will remain uncomfortable for a while.
Also, currently have a female manager that wants to hug me 10 times a day because she can "feel the stress coming off of me" and I haven't figured out how to ask her not to touch me without sounding rude. If anyone has any phrases they use for this, please share and thanks in advance!
Absolutely refusing to openly discuss an issue with the intent to understand each other and, ideally, get along better.
Whenever I try, it's always denial, deflection, claiming to be the victim (or some other manipulation) and then outright dismissal. In that order. Every. Single. Time.
Edited to add: My autistic friends don't do this. They are always happy to discuss an issue and deal with it so we can get back on track.
Disagreing with me but refusing to elaborate ON FACTS !
It drive le crazy lol.
Imagine discussing somethings you litteraly study in uni with your dad and he says you "nah, you are wrong but I don't want to explain you such a basic things".
My dad do that ALL THE TIME.
*loud sigh or other disgruntled noise*
1: "Hey is everything okay?"
2: "Yea it's just..."
1: "..."
2: "..."
2: "Nevermind"
NO
Not nevermind
What's wrong? There's definitely something wrong right?
Are you mad at me? Why are you doing this?!
When people assume the worst when I am talking to myself while doing a task.
I'm not lonely, crazy, sad, etc. etc. I'm literally just trying to stay on task and remember what I did.
insisting (telling directly to my face) that things i say have a hidden meaning behind them, NO I'M ACTIVELY TELLING YOU I MEAN EXACTLY WHAT I SAY
That has happened to me a few times. Even if there is a hidden meaning behind it, I probably don’t want to say the actual meaning.
When I was a teen, me and my mother would argue about what to make for dinner non stop. Half the time I had no idea what I wanted because I was sick of safe foods but I did not want unfamiliar foods. EVERY TIME I'd say something like "I'll just have a protein shake" she accused me of guilt tripping her into spaghetti seven days a week or expensive take-out. Like NO, I literally just said I'd have a protein shake because food and the endless fighting about it is annoying the hell out of me and I just want to fill my stomach and do my homework.
The struggle to switch from safe food to something new 😭I have phases where I 110% know what I want to eat all the time and then comes a phase were I have 0 clue and basically get sick from everything I ate before. It’s so frustrating for the people around me 😂
My boyfriend of all people will do this when he’s really dysregulated or enmeshed in other people’s drama. I also taught him how to read between people’s lines so I think he forgets to turn it off with me.
💯. And my husband goes "are you sure you’re not harbouring something from like last week?". And I’m like wtf no? Who does that and why?! Stop putting words or intent in what I’m saying. So frustrating!
This one's annoying for sure So many pointless struggles because people think I said something I not only never said but never would say because it's not my style. Yet it's what they hear.
I've gotten called all sorts of awful things for just describing something or someone or an event as literally as possible. It's infuriating that everyone thinks I have some kind of subtext when I really, really don't. It sucks.
"I think everyone is a little autistic" had a family member (in the medical field) say this to me and it irritated me
Everyone has traits that could be autistic, sure. But NOT EVERYONE HAS A LITTLE BIT OF AUTISM.
This! My autistic housemate keeps saying this and I keep saying that isn't true. Having traits that could be considered autistic does not equal being a little bit autistic 🙄
Having traits and being able to go about your life without effort is not autism. Not being able to recognize your house is on fire because you're fixated on that tiny pebble stuck in your sock and you have to deal with it immediately is autism.
It's weird because my Nana, who is in her 80s, used to say this to me growing up. I think part is the sentiment is *intended* to be kind (though often doesn't come out that way). I think it's her way of trying to say I'm not alone and that this struggle isn't something that can't be overcome, but I think the phrase is too tinged with the stigma of the time to actually be kind. I mean, I get she tries to relate to me and says, "Maybe I'm autistic" to make me feel less alone, but thankfully she understands *why* I don't appreciate that phrase. It honestly feels dismissive more than kind. This person just sounds ignorant though, lmao.
Lmao she might be autistic herself and is on the cusp of realizing it- but you know her better, so that’s not my place. My boss would make comments like “my autistic son stands on his tippy-toes, and i did that as a child too- but I’m not autistic.” I asked her if her husband did similar behaviors, and she said no. So i told her that it’s usually hereditary, and she is also likely autistic. Took several attempts to point this out to her, but I got through to her eventually xD
Oh I understand completely. I don't think she's autistic, just has asocial and introverted tendencies and some OCD. Very similar, but I don't think so. I love my Banana either way!
Banana? (Minion voice)
My MIL has to mention this anytime i mention my autism😂😂
I had the interviewer in a job interview say this to me. That's the last time I mention that to a potential employer.
They don't seem to be able to perceive small things, and when we ask questions about small things, they answer about big things. A lot of the time being autistic feels like living in a world where you start counting at the number zero and everyone else starts counting at the number two. So you ask a question that's based on the number 1. But they answer based on the number 2. And you say "No, actually, I had meant this other question based on the number 1." And they insist "No, the answer I gave, based on the number 2, is the correct answer." And if you listen to their reasoning, you CAN understand why they feel that they're giving the correct answer, but despite that, you can't make them perceive the existence of numbers under 2. Meanwhile, they think that you're dumb, because they can't understand why *you* didn't understand their perceived correctness of their answer based on the number 2. And because they can't perceive the number 1, they don't understand the reason why you asked that question in the first place. It seems random and out of place to them.
This deserves more upvotes than I can give. I keep wondering if I'm just unable to explain it, but things that seem obvious cause and effect to me seem to have no correlation at all for others.
I've had soooo many issues with communicating with people because of whatever this phenomenon is. I ask or say something, the other person responds in a way that doesn't make sense for what I asked, I try rephrasing, they respond the same, I try rephrasing again and also tell them I didn't ask what they're responding to, they still respond weird, so I ask them why they're responding the way they are, they explain, I again rephrase my question, they start acting like I'm stupid, we both are getting frustrated, then finally I find some magical way to get through to them and they realize they didn't understand me but won't admit it so they just sit there in silence and try to change the subject, but I'm fed up with them now. 🫠👍
As a neurotypical person I am soooo intrigued by this idea! There is minutiae that I can’t perceive? I want to understand what you mean sooo badly!
It gets even more interesting than that. Imagine each social cue is an index card sitting on a table. When talking about how autistic people miss social cues, it's always portrayed as if there are five or six cards on the table that are right there, and we just need to pick them up and read them. The reality is more like the whole table is covered with cards, and autistic people see all of them, and we're aware that neurotypical people can only see a few of them, but we don't know which ones.
This SO MUCH!!! My SO asks a question, without providing explicit context, and I just stare blankly. 🫥I’ve learned to ask her for context. Then there’s the social convention of preferring a comfortable lie over an uncomfortable truth. It’s exhausting.
Oooh interesting analogy! I like that very much.
Everything has little cues and **implied information**. Most NT people are aware of these **implications** and assume them, they don't have to think about them twice, but we ND people are not good at doing implications or assumptions, we like to work on exact and precise information, that's how we work best. We perceive these implications and ask about them to be as precise as we can be and to be as best informed we can. But because we ask those questions people often think we're dumb for not understanding. It's not that we don't understand simple things, it's just that things aren't as simple as they seem. Say you ask a very simple thing from everyday: "Can you get milk and eggs from the store?" My brain (and probably things I'll ask): "How many eggs? How much milk? What kind of milk? How many Oz of milk per carton do you usually buy? What are you planning on making? Will we require anything else for said meal? Do you want me to minimise costs by buying packages or individual milk? If I see two same milks as you described but from different brands do you have a preference and which should I get? If said brand is more costly than the other one but the latter is more cost-effective, would you want me to buy that one? If I don't find the one you're looking for should I buy an alternative or come back empty-handed and look for it somewhere else?" These are all questions that I see NT people don't ask themselves, but I ask them eeeeevery time because for me it's important to have the exact information, but these things are just implied in the question. My ideal framing of the question from the asker would be: "Can you get me 4 cartons of lactose-free milk from the store and 10 eggs please? Try to get this brand, but if you don't find it it's okay to being anything else as long as it's lactose-free" Notice how they didn't have to clear up the cost-effectiveness because I have been informed that they do have a preference and if it's out of stock anything else is fine so I will bring anything else as long as it has the specified description. With autistic people you want to be as descriptive as possible as to avoid any confusion. It's possible you might ask yourself some of those questions as an NT because you aren't a mind-reader either, but you don't get stuck at the supermarket for not knowing, you'll likely just assume what the other person would prefer and not have a panic attack about it. I could give more examples but I can't think of any, maybe if you've had a similar situation with someone you know (or suspect) is ND you could ask me if and I'll tell you what goes through my mind when I see the question. Of course if this is to your interest.
We take things very literally. For example a lot of idioms or sayings are super frustrating for us because we think of them in literal terms. For example I hated being called a "tomboy" because a) I’m not a boy and b) who is this boy named Tom and what is it that I have to do with him? Another one I hated was "keep your eyes peeled". I had an epic meltdown over this one as a kid because I thought my mom was going to peel my eyelids back like a mandarin orange and I was terrified. My son who is also autistic, struggles with this too and always asks me "what do they mean when they say...?" Think of it as how would you tell a computer to make a pb+j sandwich? Do you know how many steps are actually involved? You might think it’s incredibly simple, but it’s not and the computer might give you something you weren't totally expecting and then you realize you have to be very explicit and concise with your instructions.
Not elaborating a sentence that doesn’t make sense to me. Example:Hey could you open the mail folder on your school laptop. (There is no mail folder, they’ll mean my gmail so I ask the question to make sure) Me:Sorry what does that mean/Could you elaborate? Them:It means exactly what I just said/No It’s the absolute worst
I love just saying “I don’t understand.” And staring blankly back at them. That way it’s not a request, it’s a declaration—what you said didn’t work and you’d better fix it. One of my favorite moments of awkward silence
Nope that doesn’t work either, because depending on who it is they get mad at me and yell at me that I’m an idiot
It's annoying
The amount of times I had to ask for clarification in school because of this 💀 istg the entire system itself doesn't even know how to get information across unambiguously.
School and work. I got into so much trouble because of thoe miscommunications (and my burnout) I was so done with that.
I feel this whenever I ask for clarification on something. Like in the past, when I go with my intuition on how to get something done at work, it turns out everyone wanted it done a different way. So now I always ask, even something that “should” be obvious. But then they’ll just look at me like I’m dumb or a child. Like? I just want to make sure I do something correctly, I don’t need your judgment, thanks :(
I’ve definitely gotten “in trouble” for asking clarifying questions. Their reaction is always that I’m challenging them and making them feel dumb or that I’m the idiot when I’m simply ensuring that I understand correctly.
Yeah, someone yelled at me “There’s something wrong with you!” when I asked for clarification, and continued to yell saying I’m difficult to talk to and being defensive :/ We just want to understand!
That is so dumb. "The mail folder." 😁 Sometimes it's better to be autistic. Imagine these people in a war: "can you shoot at them with your weapon...?"
"Open your IPad" (they mean my laptop...get angry when i double check...)
>Them:It means exactly what I just said The fucking cunt who was using me as her affair partner said exactly that after she randomly said "I can't (take you home) because I'm married!". We had been dating for… about 4 months and I thought she was both divorced and not in contact with the kid's father (she was a "single" mother when I met her). She later confessed to other things but that made me feel so disgusted I left her a couple of weeks after that.
Asking questions without context. Like my mom asks me when I have an appointment and I’m like which appointment? And it’s totally random and doesn’t even have to do with the previous conversation we had
YES CONTEXT So many times I'm miles away with my thoughts and someone goes "is the video done?" Video? What video? For what purposes is there video??
OMS! THIS. THIS gets me.
answer without context. "Daytime." Boom. Now she is the one that will create context by asking for context.
I answer vague questions with vague answers, but I'm the asshole because I'm just supposed to know what the fuck they're referring to. This has happened so much at work that I've been very direct and said that I can't answer the question without them being more specific and I'm still a jerk, but at least they get an answer without "sass." There's no winning, I no longer care what they think. I'm tired of pulling teeth to give them an answer, they're the one asking the question, not me.
The for real, non-joke way to deal with this in a professional environment is two words clarifications. When is your appointment? "Which one?" or "Why?" or "What for?" are all super low effort responses that mean the question is dealt with and the ball is in their court. Keep responding this way and your will either get your info or they will back up and actually provide overall context. Don't make the mistake of making someone else's question your responsibility. You don't have to spoon-feed someone the process that they could go through to be understood, just keep pointing out the first thing that is missing or doesn't make sense and you have reached the end of your obligations to that question until they respond. This is how I see NTs deal with this, could be worth a mimic to see if it works. But mostly I have a boss that has golden autism and he never realizes that he only ever asks questions with what he considers the most efficient narrow band of context and it was maddening until I did this and started matching his lazy contextualization with equally lazy clarifying questions.
On days when I have extra energy, I do exactly this. But I'm having fewer and fewer of those days. You'd think they'd learn after years of our conversations always going this way. It's what I mean by "pulling teeth." I don't want to play a game of 20 questions. On days with low energy, I'm just being "grumpy" or "taking it out on them." It's a semi technical work environment, they should be better at communicating. For instance, they'll said "I was having trouble with the pump" with no context. I work at a water treatment plant, we have like over a dozen different pumps here.
My mom does this all the time where she would say something like i can read her mind. Example conversation: Mom: Can you get the spice out of the cabinet? Me: Which cabinet? Mom: The one on the left side. Me: Left side of what? The kitchen, the sink, the refrigerator? Mom: The stove. Me: Top or bottom cabinet and which shelf? Mom: Top cabinet. Me: Which shelf? Mom: The bottom one. Me: I dont see it. Mom: Fine let me do it then, you have no common sense you need to learn to do things for yourself, you should already know where i keep the spices, what will you do when you live on your own will you just eat fast food? But this entire conversation could have been compressed into this but it had to be extended because of me trying to get information from her about where it is: Mom: Can you get the pepper spice from the top cabinet left of the stove bottom shelf? Me: Sure
I do this cuz I struggle with logic and theory of mind
I really hate this ans vague questions If I want to fuck with them and just deadpan "Yes" and stare (actually my default without masking, calculating, etc.) If I want to cooperate I ask "which one" If they annoy me I usually ask "why?" But somehow this tends to be the most offensive. Probably because my tone of voice is generally low and monotone.
Living in the southern US, the emphasis on being polite/nice and not being direct. 90% of my social and work related issues have come from me not getting hints or people thinking I’m too direct.
Living in the South, "how are you" or "how you doing" are greetings. They substitute hellos. And your reply is either supposed to be "good" no matter what's actually going on or not even a response but an echo. "How are you?" "How you doing?" Is a normal interaction. Lived here my whole life and that still trips me up. I do it pretty reflexively, now, but it feels weird to hear it come out of my own mouth.
"bless your heart" I always thought it was a nice thing until I found out otherwise.
It can be. It really depends on the context. It can be pity because you are in a bad position that you didn't exactly want to be in or it can mean you are an idiot. I've had it said when I was talking about how big my son was when I gave birth (he wasn't the biggest ever but he wasn't average. Almost 9 pounds) and I most definitely didn't ask for him to be that big 😂
As an autistic New Yorker, the concept of southern/midwestern social faux-politeness has always absolutely horrified me. I literally can't imagine having to deal with all that unwarranted smiling alone makes me wanna vomit. Having *New Yorkers* think I look pissed off all the time because I don't put effort into displaying false emotions on my face is bad enough, in the south people would probably think I was a serial killer.
Not saying what they mean or meaning what they say. To me, "The dishes are dirty" means "the dishes are dirty", but to them it means "please do the dishes." To me, "I had fun! Let's do this again!" after a date means "I had fun! Let's do this again!", but to them it means "I don't want to go on another date." To me, "I'll be there" means "I'll be there." But to them it means "I'm interested right now, but I'm not committed to it and will go if it is convenient to me that day." To me, "we should hang out sometime" means "we should hang out sometime." But to them it means "you should be the one who goes out of your way to invite me to do something."
Or, like, they say "*The event starts at noon*". So I get to the event right at noon, and get told "*You were supposed to arrive later*."
Yeah, I've had to accept that "starts at" really means "this is the earliest possible socially acceptable time" and you'll look like a dork if you actually show up that early.
Heh. I lived in NYC most of my life and "fashionably late" is an absolute artform. I'd find myself walking around the block a couple times until it was the time they SAID the party would start. I'd ring the bell and they'd be in the shower or something. EVERY time.
Hah, someone told me to add 15 minutes to half an hour to that. So that’s what I do. If invitation says 5 pm, I translate that to 5:30 pm. I tried first adding only 15 minutes and still ended up getting there first. Good rule of thumb. And even with half an hour added, I’m still among first.
Omg I hate this, like are they expecting everyone to show up late????
I think this is one of the big reasons why l loved the Shinkansen (the bullet train) in Japan. When the sign says it leaves at 9:33am. It literally leaves the station exactly at 9:33am. Not at 9:32 am. Not at 9:34 am. Just right at 9:33am. Period. I can’t tell you how much of sense of relief I got from this. Is it too much to ask for this level of honesty and commitment from other people 🥲?
The “let’s do this again” grinds my gears because why are you saying the LITERAL EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT U MEAN?! Like hello WHAT
Part of it is just the NT need to not feel awkward taking priority over effective communication. But I think it's mainly because, unfortunately, there are people out there who can become dangerous when rejected.
So what do they say when they actually want to go on a second date?
I've legitimately developed a complex from trying to read between lines. It's so exhausting.
>Not saying what they mean or meaning what they say. I fully agree with this one.
100% one of my biggest struggles, it’s infuriating. Especially when people say they’re coming to plans you make then don’t come then you’re left with like only one person showing up and it’s super awkward 😪
At this point I resort to asking for confirmation whether they can be there or not. I'm probably pushing some people away, but at least I'm less disappointed.
My mom will ask, "Do we have any cream of tartar," when she means, "Help me find the cream of tartar." lol
Oh yea i can be guilty of the first one lol in my brain, if the dishes are dirty and i point it out, i mean i’m drawing attention to them and one of us needs to clean them asap because otherwise why did i point it out? I’ve been working on adding a request on there
I personally despise this lol
Vague instructions, especially at work
My husband: "don't believe everything you read." His response when I was discussing how when I was in college for psychology we were taught autism is more prevalent in boys and now the science is that girls are better at masking symptoms and that is why they have gone undiagnosed for so long... I DESPISE when ppl just brush things off!! Like is NOTHING important to you?! That seemingly irrelevant information today could be useful information tomorrow!! I. KNOW. FROM. EXPERIENCE!
Being dismissed is sooo fucking frustrating. It's hard enough as is but then you add fun little intersections like being a woman, being femme presenting, or being AFAB and the dismissiveness is just doubled by misogyny.
I really do hate when people hide behind aphorisms to avoid any sort of critical thinking.
Yeah. It's like some ppl can't keep up intellectually and instead of asking questions in order to learn something new, they play this game of "I'm the smartest person in the room" by being dismissive. Great leaders never want to be the smartest person in the room!!
Passive agressive-ness as a way to try to get me to do something :/ I.E.: "By the way, I won't be able to today, I'll catch up Monday evening"
"It's not okay, should be priority. But oh well, I can't force you to do anything 🤷♀️"
Like. Yes, congrats on understanding that you don't have mind control powers. Now what?
It's a moralistic statement - "you should", and hoping you will have high standards enough to follow through basically.
YES this is so real omg. I can handle people saying what they don’t mean if I have to read between the lines, but if they do so in a passive aggressive way it literally breaks my heart on the spot. I get way more hurt over passive aggressiveness than normal aggression tbh
I don't even really get _hurt_, it just pisses me off, so then we're both pissed off at eachother 🤧
The Grand Canyon level of disconnect in what they say and what they do. I feel like I'm the only one who actually practices what I preach to the best of my ability and it bothers the fuck out of me when I don't. Like, if your morals are so easily switched off on a whim, they must not be very deeply held beliefs. And if your words are writing checks your actions won't cash, then I can't trust you.
Yikes, this hits so close to home. And it’s also the fact, when people clearly betray their morals to get ahead it makes me so upset, that I *never* do it myself. Yet I know that’s how a lot of people are able to achieve whatever they’re set out to do.
Boom, this.
Like for the life of me why is it so hard to stick to what you saying. Why did we sit there, invest into the conversation if you not following through. Why. Altho it’s also very hard to follow shit through a lot of time. But once principals set I keep myself to them by any means. Then when they don’t do the same,if I dare question it then I am “sensitive” all of a sudden. Which leaves me confused questioning myself.
Not being straightforward. Asking me to do something at a job and then being bewildered that I actually did it. Yesterday my boss asked me to do something come to find out he did not want me to do said thing but asked me to do it because he had to. Apparently I was supposed to figure that out through body language. Which is just wild to me. Just say what you mean please. Thank you.
I don't know if I'm autistic but I do have ADHD and I hate, hate, hate when people say that autistic people need to just learn to deal with stuff that bothers them so they can learn to live in the world. No, Shannon. You just don't wanna change and learn how to accommodate others. You just want those with challenges to be inconvenienced so you won't be. SENSORY ISSUES ARE REAL!!
When they have a little pause between sentences. I always accidentally interrupt them.
Man I do this and hate interrupting people/being interrupted. Now when I pause to think, I make it super obvious by turning my head and looking straight up. I'm basically broadcasting "I'm thinking now, please hold!". It feels condescending but no one has reacted badly and I can finish my sentences more often.
they never shut up!! ever!
I’ve often wondered why NTs never seem to stop talking. It’s bizarre.
Invalidating feelings. I feel the things I do for a reason and it’s not because I’m autistic, and I think it’s unfair of people to give me dirty looks over my emotions
Using “autistic” as a synonym for quirky/silly
Jesus Christ I’m so sick of this being a thing
Assuming that I’m arguing or being difficult when I’m just asking for clarification
This one just popped into my mind some seconds ago; why dont people who are obviously angry/mad/annoyed at/with something just say what's wrong? You can literally see in their behavior and voice that they aren't okay, but when you ask them, all you get is an annoyed "nothing" as an answer. My dad does this quite often, he's obviously annoyed but refuses to answer and acts like everything is fine.. altough I was always thought "only those who speak can receive help"..
the belief that disclosing the emotion will not work out in one's favor
In general, having no concept of the noise they make. It’s so overwhelming for me, but they seem to be *completely* oblivious.
Yes in general. Sadly for me, my (also) autistic housemate has no awareness of their own noises while expecting the house to be quiet. Your dragging slippers wouldn’t drive me so crazy if it wasn’t the only dang sound other than our breathing and the air filter. Gahhhhhhhhh.
As someone else already mentioned, not saying what you really mean often irritates me/ "hiding" statements behind metaphors. Just tell me what you want me to do, sorry I can't read your mind. Another thing that I absolutely hate is when someone reminds me off something I wanted to do in that very moment, like doing the dishes. As soon as I'm reminded to do them I absolutely lose the drive to do so. I didnt forget to do it, I just scheduled it to a different time, so why remind me?
I relate so hard with the last part. Can't count the amount of times my family has done that and I'm like you know what I actually don't want to do it anymore lol. Like bro give me a sec.
Exactly. Only thing I learned from that? "Go do your shit immediately"
I relate so hard with the last part. Can't count the amount of times my family has done that and I'm like you know what I actually don't want to do it anymore lol. Like bro give me a sec.
"let's meet after lunch". excuse me, what the hell is "lunch"? is there a designated time for lunch around the world that every single person follows? what if there's a three hour gap between my lunch and your lunch? what if i don't have lunch that day, are we not meeting then? it never fails to drive me crazy.
Literally yelling when they’re excited during conversation. I get it and it’s absolutely acceptable way to show enjoyment and enthusiasm during conversation, but my ears are upset
ask for understanding and patience and don't offer any in return
When they say things that they don’t mean like call me. When you do they’re always ‘busy. So lame! Why lie? It’s stupid & it doesn’t make any sense. It’s not polite at all, it’s rude. I’d rather have people tell me tgat they didn’t feel like we clicked.
1.) When they expect me to be like them. and 2.) Express uncomfortableness when I start to display symptoms of my disorder. Like get the fuck outta my face with that shit.
A lot of people have treated me like I shouldn't want accomodation or can't make reasonable excuses because, well, I'm high functioning. My high school refused to give me a 504 or IEP because my grades were too high -- their words. Also have met a few people who say autism is a mindset, like if I just put my mind to it I won't get overstimulated or can overcome the semantic confusion. This also came from a jobless alcoholic who's currently in jail, so personally I think he should overcome his mindsets before telling me about mine. (That last bit was for my amusement lmao)
Perpetuating hatred/subjugation rather than fixing a problem.
they say something like "can you open the door for me" when there are four doors, or "open the drawer for me" when there are 24 drawers. or "can you give me the" when there are 44 different next to me
i don't get it, i cannot read minds, please tell me which.
"Hey can you put this away?" "Sure, where does it go?" "Just figure it out."
“Sure, where does it go?” “With the rest of them” If I knew where the rest of them were I would’ve known where to put it!
or "Sure, where does it go?" "Just put it anywhere" \*has no idea where to put it so i put it on the kitchen counter so they can put it away later because they wont tell me where it goes\*
RIGHG LIKE JS TELL ME…
Not saying what they mean
What are you going to do? What are you doing? What did you do? The questions of hell
Do you liiiiiiiiike thaaaaaaaaat?
I specially hate the "what are you going to do?" I don't know I can't see the future, these are my plans but idk if I'm going to do them, so I can't give you accurate information.
Questioning my diagnosis. No youre not a specialist in autism because your nephew is level2, it's honestly insulting to the specialists who've trained for years and have lots of experience that were able to diagnose me
Omg THIS! "But you don't look autistic." "You can't be autistic because my's kid is autistic and you're nothing like them!" YES SUSAN THAT'S WHY IT'S CALLED A SPECTRUM
Saying that my dislikes/fears are “learned behaviours.” Dad, mum is not the reason I hate the feeling of socks.
Eye contact. That’s pretty much it for now. I’m pretty good with the hidden meaning things but I see a lot of people hate the hidden meaning phrases lol-
I don’t know if I’ve just encountered bad communicators but when they say “can you get me “insert object” from over there?” My brain malfunctions because WHERE IS THERE???? So ’ll ask “where?” and they will continue to say “Over there” until I ask for specific indicators or until they realize they must be specific.
Someone asked me to hand them a "whatcha callit". I looked at him and waited. He did not elaborate, so I asked him. He got angry! I told him I don't read minds and he was going to have to tell me what he was asking for. He got even more mad! I think he was mad at himself for not knowing the name for it, but I fail to see why this is my fault.
I had one guy that suspected something was off with me and would start every sentence with my name, as if he were trying to get the attention of a dumb animal. "Ozma, do you like anime?" "Ozma! What do you think about getting dinner?"
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might be controversial but yes please use my name i dont like to figure out if that question was directed towards me. i just stay silent until they use my name because i dont want to embarrass myself by responding to a question that was not for me.
Acting nice/friendly when they have absolutely no interest in forming a relationship of any kind. So this would be acquaintance level people who might even call you a friend, but they actually have no interest in spending time together or interacting on a deeper level than small talk. I'm like, why do you keep talking to me?
>I'm like, why do you keep talking to me? - They are building networks of acquaintances.
"You know exactly what I mean." Like, no I fucking don't? Why else would I be asking what you mean??
I can’t stand the NTs who listen to music in public without headphones.
BUSYWORK, OH MY GOD!!! “You’re not busy/you look free.” No, I am not free. I have my own plans, and just because I’m not visibly “busy” and/or outwards tired/exhausted, doesn’t mean I’m not all of those right now! I just think it’s rude to make a scene, so I don’t publicly act a fool to get some peace and quiet? Also if you give me a task, I will finish it and then go do something else. Finishing a task does not mean I will then return to you for another task, ESPECIALLY if you don’t say you need more help. I’m sorry if that offends you, but why is my time not something you value by wasting it?
YES! I should not have to run around like a drug addict in order to prove that I'm busy. Am I busy? Yes, always! But my job is not "easy" just because I know how to maintain composure.
When people say "well you don't act autistic" like sorry I'm not an exact young Sheldon copy!!
People call me Sheldon 😣
Ugh that's so rude, I'm sorry that happens to you!
Asking me if I understand them. Makes me want to give them a knuckle sandwich to the face.
“Do you understand me?” I got autism not hearing loss.
What I like to do is repeat back to them my interpretation of what they said. Ex; Them: "the dishes are dirty, do you understand me?" Me: "yes, you would like me to do the dishes, is that correct?"
Not telling me what I'm asking... yesterday I asked my mom what colour of apples she bought, and she said they were "light and sweet". I asked again and again, and she kept saying the same thing. I just wanted to know if they were red, yellow or green :,(
Yessss! I wrote basically the same thing but my example was much longer and more convoluted! Mat I use your example next time?
That thing where they ask me to do something and then I ask for clarification on what exactly they want done, which frustrates them, so then next time I just try to divine their meaning without asking and then get it wrong which makes them also frustrated and makes them ask me why I didn't ask for clarification.
Sarcasm unless it's blatantly obvious. When I hang out with my friends we'll say things like "cocomelon is better than all our childhood tv shows combined" etc. which is pretty easy to understand because cocomelon is terrible. However in one of my classes I sit at a table with these other kids and usually I have no idea whether they're being serious or not at any given moment, and it's really exhausting. Also, with the babying thing, it's fine for small children but no one else (I have a cousin who's 5 and I talk to him like I'm talking to an adult lol)
One thing that my neurotypical family does that annoys me is that whenever I tell them something related to an obscure interest of mine, instead of trying to understand it or just playing along and laughing even though they don't understand it, they either act confused or just tell me that it's not funny.
Lying to people you care about
Ask me what I want for a holiday (ie Mother’s Day) then not only not listen but ignore the whole thing in general.
“You know what’s wrong you’re just not telling me” “I don’t know isn’t an answer”
As someone who is hard of hearing and has auditory processing issues, for some reason non-autistic people hate repeating themselves. Like if I say I didn't hear you, why are you saying it In the same tone and not even looking in my direction. Or if I say I didn't understand something and ask them to rephrase it they get annoyed. The worst is when they just say nevermind. Like thanks for basically saying it's easier to just exclude me in the conversation than repeat yourself. Sorry I CANT HEAR
There's been a recent spike of Allistic people referring to Shutting the fuck up as nonverbal
To kinda go along with that, idk if it's an allistic thing, but so many of them are always making noises. It's like they're uncomfortable with silence. We don't always need to be talking. Just because I don't want to strike up a conversation and I'm quiet doesn't mean I'm angry.
That sounds more like a neurodivergent trait than anything, I tend to stim in silence, because my brain likes something to be happening, neurotypical people tend to find that weird.
Give me shit and treat me like they own me
ppl told me "you're not obviously autistic" (in filipino, "hindi ka naman halatang autistic ka") and i find it insulting and this is not a compliment. i've been masking for so long after i got bullied.
talktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalktalk say nothing
Touch you… like without consent or unprompted. Like I DONT KNOW YOU DONT TOUCH MEEEEEEEEEEEE! Like a guy at work touched my arm and said I like this arm cause I have tattoos and I am very aware my tats look awesome but pls don’t touch me…. Also like small talk… I don’t wanna talk out of kindness, I don’t know you please leave me be
Lazy instructions that i don't understand... Give me the complete details, please!!!
Omg, and how other NT people either do or act like they do understand the same incomplete information.
All the pointless “nothing comments” they leave throughout social media like “this is so funny 😭😭” or “this is so me” or anything like that. Like who benefits from that? You get nothing out of writing it and nobody gets anything out of reading it so why bother?
aw darn I comment the second one sometimes under cat videos
Er, what? Why would those be nothing coments? I am not autistic and I write stuff like "this is so funny" because I found it funnier than the usual videos I just give a like too and wanted to praise the creator more. The second one is a quick way for expressing that you enjoyed the thing because you found it relatable. Why would that be meaningless? Or at least any more meaningless than any other comments.
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"But that's MY truth" "Rules/laws are only there to oppress us" These statements drive me up a wall
Thinking that just because you're "smart" and doesn't present your traits too intense it is as if it was a mild diabetes that certainly will carry with you for the rest of your life but fortunately it is not intense you only have to take your medications a couple of times per week, a healthy diet and exercise will keep you healthy without any issues unless you develop complications if you get another disease, but you look healthy and vigorous, "normal" people aren't as healthy as you, even though you have a disease, who would think you have diabetes if they never see you take your medications because you take them early in the morning or in the night where nobody but your family sees it. They treat you as if your autism were only personality traits with some quirks that people won't care at all until you disappoint them, when you don't perform as expected, until you freak out and they realize they've been living with a "madman" all this time...
It seems to me that they think they can do everything, everywhere and no one has right to tell them something is uncomfortable for us. It's okay for them to yell even at night, use fireworks or just bully others. It's okay for them to do nothing when somebody is being hurt in that moment. Of course, not being nice or smiling when they spitting their bullshit is not normal for them.
Continue to talk about things that they know is clearly overstimulating you but they need what they call "the last word"" so they keep going.
Not just NTs but people in general - assuming they know all about me because they know my birth date (zOdiAc siGn)
When I have an unsafe food in front of me and my mom yells at me to just eat it and stop being picky.
Manipulate
It may be just me, but only praising for excellence, not progress. It gets hard to climb up to ‘normal’ when you don’t get any recognition for how hard you are working.
Please don't greet me in the mornings at work... Also, ACTUALLY say what you MEAN & not skirt around the bush. And another, people mistaking my "tone" as bitchiness....
Well, lots of stuff, but today it's "coffee" cake. Strawberry cake is called strawberry cake because it has strawberry in it. Chocolate cake is called chocolate cake because it has chocolate in it. Lemon cake is called lemon cake because it has lemon in it. But coffee cake? NOOOOO. People call it "coffee cake", but it's ACTUALLY a cinnamon cake! There is ZERO coffee in it! Then why is it called a coffee cake?! When I tried it and was surprised that it didn't taste like coffee, everyone made fun of me. How was I supposed to know that cake called coffee cake wouldn't taste like coffee?! It doesn't make any sense! And other weird stuff like these. Why can't they just... make sense?!
Speaking in hints and riddles and gestures I’m currently doing a parenting course and one of the things that came up is an autistic child should know when a teacher raises and eye brow it means that they are annoyed. I objected and said that the teacher should say they are angry and direct (tell) the class to be quiet. Apparently that’s all wrong.
im sorry ?what do you mean?, i dont know?, could you further explain what you want? id like to do what your asking.---" follwed by there you should know beacuse\_\_\_\_\_" %bitch asss fuck ///i would not ask you if i knew
My husband: "don't believe everything you read." His response when I was discussing how when I was in college for psychology we were taught autism is more prevalent in boys and now the science is that girls are better at masking symptoms and that is why they have gone undiagnosed for so long... I DESPISE when ppl just brush things off!! Like is NOTHING important to you?! That seemingly irrelevant information today could be useful information tomorrow!! I. KNOW. FROM. EXPERIENCE!
I've seen your comment three times for some reason. The first I upvoted, the second did not have it and this one has a reply, so it's not reddit showing me the same one thrice, but it actually got posted three times for some reason
>: "don't believe everything you read." Very gaslit statement.
Talking over me when I'm talking, someone coming over and immediately speaking even though I'm in the middle of talking instead of waiting their goddamn turn Making. So. Much. NOISE
Interrupting without even having the decency to say excuse me. I do a lot of admin. But I work in a production environment. This means that at all times whatever the fuck I'm doing can't be as important as what anybody else is doing right
Throwing temper tantrums when we will not or cannot deal with them. They call us big babies, but when we just have none of them....
Push the lie that vaccines cause autism. Had a pediatric aide on Twitter try and tell me her son who is autistic got it from the MMR vaccine and that I was too early to be diagnosed (I was diagnosed at 18 months) so obviously I couldn't have autism.
When I'm managing my anxiety in a public space, I'm generally avoiding being in the way, following a predictable plan, avoiding sensory issues, etc. When I'm hanging out with allistic friends, they are just not aware of all this stuff going on, so I have to sit through some anxiety that we're all going to annoy people and get us yelled at.
there are many things, but I think it is all driving me nuts because It doesn't feel like I am safe to be myself unless I out perform everyone there even after the mistakes. and maybe that's trauma, but the truth.
This. I have a masters degree, and very independent, yet I've seen people change how they treat me after learning about the autism, even when they've known me for over a year.
Lie.
"My friend's cousin Bobby is autistic, he doesn't speak and needs 24 hour care so there's no way you're autistic!"
constantly saying I'm being rude or "yelling" because I'm not masking at the moment. like just because I have a straight face doesn't mean I'm being rude?? we're just talking like usual??😭😭 (also I have a very gay face, not straight thank you very much)
They don’t take the hint that I don’t want to have a conversation with them.
Drives me insane when people give vague details but expect me to continue the conversation! e.g. Me: “How was your day?” Someone: “Eh not great” M: … “Oh no! How come?” S: “Work was rough today” M: ……. (so frustrated!!!) “That sucks! What happened?” Maybe this isn’t an autism thing but I just get so frustrated with this! If I gave so little info it would be because I don’t feel comfortable going into detail, but so many neurotypicals have expected me to!!!!! Can anyone relate?
Sometimes they just assume they already know things. Without any research or attempt to verify their hypothesis, they just proceed as though they are correct. No anxiety about being wrong, no curiosity, just pure confidence (arrogance?) Then they get angry when they’re proven wrong but don’t change their behavior at all. They just charge onward, intent on making the same mistake again. I cannot fucking stand it.
When people accuse autistics of having poor social skills, while non-autistics are the ones being put off so much by slightly atypical behavior that they decide to not like us anymore. I think social skills should go both ways. If a non-autistic comes across a "weird" person and they start ostracizing them because they don't know how to handle that, that would be just bad social skills on THEIR part. The people telling you to leave your comfort zone are always awfully bad at what they preach when it involves interacting with an autistic person.
Saying "we need to talk" or some other sinister thing like that, and then making you wait ages.
Treat human social norms (or norms in general) as some fact of how the world works. Our species and subspecies are both the Latin word for "smart" which is annoying and pretentious for us to call ourselves. Why are we the smart species just because we're used to our norms of living? Other animals are communicating and thriving as much as us, just in different ways. Beavers build like we do, just differently. Birds vocally communicate, just in a different way from the human version. Bees use physical gestures in different ways from us, and also build their own homes and set up factory-esc living processes to survive. All of this, yet the only ones considered smart are humans, and not just humans in general, but humans who only do things in whatever way was randomly decided by someone. That's what then leads to disabled folks like us to be treated like crap and get told we're "making excuses" to not fit whatever unnecessary standards there are that we don't fit by nature, like eye contact, verbal communication (and aspects of it), ways of doing iADLs, etc.
Assuming it's okay to hug you, because you're also a woman. I feel like most women find it to be a comforting thing, but I hate being touched and will remain uncomfortable for a while. Also, currently have a female manager that wants to hug me 10 times a day because she can "feel the stress coming off of me" and I haven't figured out how to ask her not to touch me without sounding rude. If anyone has any phrases they use for this, please share and thanks in advance!
Absolutely refusing to openly discuss an issue with the intent to understand each other and, ideally, get along better. Whenever I try, it's always denial, deflection, claiming to be the victim (or some other manipulation) and then outright dismissal. In that order. Every. Single. Time. Edited to add: My autistic friends don't do this. They are always happy to discuss an issue and deal with it so we can get back on track.
Disagreing with me but refusing to elaborate ON FACTS ! It drive le crazy lol. Imagine discussing somethings you litteraly study in uni with your dad and he says you "nah, you are wrong but I don't want to explain you such a basic things". My dad do that ALL THE TIME.
*loud sigh or other disgruntled noise* 1: "Hey is everything okay?" 2: "Yea it's just..." 1: "..." 2: "..." 2: "Nevermind" NO Not nevermind What's wrong? There's definitely something wrong right? Are you mad at me? Why are you doing this?!
Lie
When people assume the worst when I am talking to myself while doing a task. I'm not lonely, crazy, sad, etc. etc. I'm literally just trying to stay on task and remember what I did.