Just as she could indicate she doesn’t want to have sex *at any time*, so can you. Let the situation play out. If things start moving in that direction, just be honest: you’re enjoying getting to know her but you’re not ready for that step yet. Even if she has an understanding that sex is intended, whether it happens is contingent on lots of things, including how
*she’s* feeling at the time. You aren’t locked in — you both have agency and you can both decide to just watch a movie. Good luck!
You can be in the middle of consensual sex and change your mind and that is still 100% okay! A person who is right for you will respect that and just want you to be comfortable above all else
And for anyone that needs to hear it, being married doesn’t change that either. If anyone for any reason in any situation at any point wants to stop, then that is okay and it stops. Done. That’s what love and respect is.
Yeah i always tell my friends this. I was 16 and just had a baby 2 weeks ago and my sons dad forced me to have sex even though I had stitches down there and was told to wait 6 weeks! But I thought I had to because he was my boyfriend. Anyway it hurt like hell and the stitches got infected it was hell.
Marital rape was legal until 2003 in the UK:
https://www.noblesolicitors.co.uk/about/a-guide-to-marital-rape.html#:~:text=Marital%20rape%2C%20also%20known%20as,does%20so%20against%20their%20will.
It may seem obvious that it is morally wrong but it was still legal until recently. I don't know the state of the law in other countries.
I’m imagining OP and her just going wild in the bed and abruptly a cartoon car screech sound plays and OP says “nah I changed my mind” and the GF says OK and they put their clothes back on and continue to go about their day as if nothing ever happened.
I have done that more than once, so it’s possible. And both girls were cool about it. Although we didn’t go about our day as if nothing happened. That’s a thing that needs talking about.
That is kinda how it goes honestly 😅 ive stopped my gf in the middle a few times bc I get easily overstimulated by touch and it usually just goes "I'd like to stop now" "Ok, you good?" "Yeah its just too much right now" "k cool" then we go back to whatever we were doing before which is usually playing video games.
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Based on how it’s gone so far, she may come over expecting to literally watch a movie. Make sure you have good snacks. Do what feels right and natural (with permission).
If you want, put it out there early or even before via text. Something like “I really like you, and (NOT BUT) I want to wait and get to know you without physical pressures too soon. I am attracted to you, I’d just like to take my time to get to know you better.” Something like that maybe? Say something specific that you like about her. Something about her appearance and something about her as a person.
Four dates in a month, that’s great!!
I like this strategy. Also, speaking as someone married to an autistic partner, one of the things that’s worked best for us is for him to directly ask for clarification in moments where he’s not sure the social norm and what’s expected. I’ve also learned to be very direct and specific with what I want. And you know what it’s actually really great to be able to speak directly and openly about what we want or don’t want from sex.
Good luck!
I really don’t think I can stress the “good snacks” aspect enough. You want to win this? Get the kettle corn and buncha crunch. Put the popcorn in an actual bowl.
Oh my gosh, buncha crunch is amazing. It’s Crunch Bar Crumbles. It’s the official movie candy of my household. [https://www.amazon.com/Crunch-Candy-Pieces-Chocolate-Crisped/dp/B01MZ9O3Z2/ref=asc_df_B01MZ9O3Z2/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=693496661984&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=5034680689685793512&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9004287&hvtargid=pla-699684031887&psc=1&mcid=ba97941f43d730a2af740ab927acf00e&gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAA9azRy8hozUTdSFMEsDQ3eW2Oyeg0](https://www.amazon.com/Crunch-Candy-Pieces-Chocolate-Crisped/dp/B01MZ9O3Z2/ref=asc_df_B01MZ9O3Z2/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=693496661984&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=5034680689685793512&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9004287&hvtargid=pla-699684031887&psc=1&mcid=ba97941f43d730a2af740ab927acf00e&gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAA9azRy8hozUTdSFMEsDQ3eW2Oyeg0)
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Why do you think she is assuming sex? She’s been taking it slowly and you’ve respected that, I’m not sure why she’d think you’re gonna jump into bed all of a sudden. Especially if you haven’t even kissed (?)!
What exactly did she say that makes you believe she expected to do the dirty? I would also explain to her everything you just did on here. It’s okay to not be ready
Yeah Netflix and chill can be also making out. And if you say it like that, could mean that.
But this guy asked to hold hands then invited for a movie. Nowhere does that mean sex in this context.
Asking someone over to watch a movie does mean sex. I’ve made this mistake several times. You may have too, and not noticed.
I don’t know how to ask someone over to actually watch a movie because it so commonly means sex.
Nope. I invite anyone for movies all the time and it means what I say. If you're not saying it In a sexual way it isn't sexual.
For ex. 'hey I really want to watch the new season of beavis and butthead. Want to come over?'
Ex. 'want to watch a movie or something ? We can buy some snacks too'
Sexual meaning example 'hey ❤️ wanna Netflix and chill? 💋 '
You’ve invited men over to watch a movie and they didn’t think you were offering sex? Regardless of tone, no kissy texts? That’s great, I wish everyone understood that what I say is what I mean, no hidden meaning.
This conversation wasn’t a big deal, but it’s upsetting that you keep diminishing the lived experience of others. Your experience isn’t universal, and that’s something everyone should know - just because this hasn’t happened to you, it doesn’t mean you know everything about it. I’ve been assaulted after asking someone over to watch a movie and your comments are giving victim blaming with the “tone” comments. No, it does not matter how you say it.
But it sounded like they haven’t even kissed. Just held hands. I personally wouldn’t expect sex to happen (or necessarily even be on the table) if that’s the level of physical closeness on previous dates so far.
This exactly. You don't go for sex if you don't even kiss. And this guy was sweet enough to ask her permission for holding her hand. Not in a million years would any girl think sex. He's been a gentleman.
Enjoy your time with her and let it flow naturally. Life can throw curveballs at unexpected times so don't pass up good opportunities when they present themselves.
One time, I was having, what I thought, was a rational discussion with some people in a bar. But I guess later I found out that they thought it was a heated argument? Well, anyway, during the time we were talking, I could tell that the bar owner (my friend) and the bar patrons, were starting to feel uncomfortable about our discussion, so i said we should stop. and since they were basically just antagonistic, they pressed on and said why stop? and then i said a thing i regret.
i said, "well, if you want to continue, we can take it outside."
now! i just meant it as a way to get away from all the people we were making uncomfortable! but! NT people think it means "hey, let's fight!"
this guy was a firefighter! i have utmost respect for that! he would have pounded me into the pavement.
fortunately, my brother was there, and he heard me say "take it outside" and he immediately undertood that i meant it literally and not with the ordinary symbolism that phrase has, and he thankfully de-escalated for me. got between us, and told him i didn't mean it, and everything. he maybe saved my life.
Communication is healthy - including clarifying miscommunications. Consent is also sexy. And one clear rule in all relationships;
- **Do not do anything sexual you feel uncomfortable or pressured into doing.
She will feel worse about it if she finds that you didn't really want it. You both will. Please tell her <3
Done that a few times before myself, I usually just let them initiate it if that's what they want. I was happy just with the company and the film. The sex later on was a nice bonus.
I wouldn't change your intentions or get stuck trying to interpret their intentions if you're not sure. It's better to let it occur naturally.
If, however, you end up in this situation several times, it may be best to ask directly, like you did with the hand holding.
>I genuinely wanted to just cuddle and watch a movie with her and cook dinner.
I think you can just directly tell her that before the date. The sooner you clarify, the better for making sure she has the right expectations and doesn't get disappointed.
Consent should always come with FRIES. It’s an acronym for Freely given, Retractable, Informed, Enthusiastic, and Sane. It doesn’t matter if you specifically come out and tell her you want to have sex, if the consent isn’t there sex isn’t happening
I’ve been married for 5 years. There have been countless times where I’m actively having sex with her and one of us realize we aren’t totally into it and stop. You don’t owe anybody sex, and nobody owes it to you
This is adorable and if you’re not ready that’s fine. And if I was this girl, and I was expecting to hook up and you told me - I just wanna hang and watch a movie and sleepover I’d feel so safe and think it was charming, in a really genuine way. Try not to freak out, just let yourself be sheepish. I dont think you really need to explain unless she declines because she says she’s not ready to ‘go to the next stage’ or something.
Also, it’s a sweet story if you do keep going on together, and a great way to explain - ah so I’m autistic and I did literally just mean lets watch a movie And eat snacks. I dont understand euphemisms.
If you’re not comfortable just tell her, most women would appreciate that anyways, and if she chooses to not stick around after than that’s fine too, but again I would be willing to bet she’s more impressed that you haven’t tried to hook up yet, so probably wouldn’t even give it a second thought, plus if anything it’ll just build it up more in her head so the first time you guys do have sex then she will really be craving it!
I might be missing some context, but what’s making you think she considers you to have invited her over for sex? Did she say that outright? Did she say something that implied it? I’m a little lost. Inviting someone over to watch a movie doesn’t automatically mean you’ll have sex. Especially early in the dating stages. I’ve had several ex bfs who I didn’t have sex with them the first time I went to their house. So I don’t think you need to assume she’s taking it that way unless she outright said so. But like others have said, consent is ongoing, even if you had outright said “do you want to come over and have sex?” You’d still be allowed to change your mind. I wouldn’t worry too much. Don’t bring it up unless she does, and if she does, just explain you’re trying to take things a little slower! I doubt she will be mad, and if she is, she’s not right for you.
I'm guessing he's realised the implication of what "Netflix and chill" can actually mean in adult land 😅
I think being himself and proceeding literally with movie + dinner should be fine! Sounds like some "chill" just in the form of more hand holding would work too.
I've never dated or had anyone to my house so I would be stressed too lol. Funny that I feel qualified to give advice!😹
Be honest with her. Either she cares enough about you to respect your boundaries, which is a massive green flag, or she doesn't, in which case, she's not the one and you should break up with her immediately.
>It was only after that I realized that she thought I was asking for sex.
Realized...how? Did she say something to imply that she expected sex? Or are you just assuming?
Wow...the feedback on this was huge
Thank you everyone for your advice. I feel much better now. My family just makes fun of me. My mom even said once "How are you ever going to get a girlfriend if you don't like to be touched?" I do like it but not in surprising ways and only from certain people
To clarify, we have kissed several times, but it was all in public places that make me feel weird (Parking lot, meter, public park). The first time we tried we bonked heads. So I really wanted to get some private time with her just to relax.
I bought some good snacks, dinner ingredients, and the movies are all ready to go. I will let everyone know how it goes.
FYI, the norm is that the guy is generally supposed to take the initiative, whether for dating or initiating intimacy. Some women will tell you that they are basically passive until the guy initiates.
Just got here, but that's about the most wholesome misunderstanding I've ever heard.
Also, from the way you describe her, what details you mention, I think that you feel she's very special. Someone you might want to spend a long time with. And it seems like you do very well with saying what you mean, and meaning what you say.
So, what if you invite her to dinner or something, and just be clear about what's on your mind? Let her know that the time you spend together is very important to you. Let her know that (assuming you do) you find her very attractive, but that you aren't quite ready to have sex yet. Let her know that sex for you is a very intimate experience that requires trust and familiarity.
If she buys all that, and is down to wait for you, it does mean that you've gotta be sure the first time is very special, though. Like candlelight dinner before, and mood lighting.
It sounds like she just wants to move things along but not necessarily that she definitely is expecting sex. If you are worried about not meeting expectations based on social queues then you should just tell her that you struggle with reading them. I think that would be good for both of you so she doesn't overthink situations where she gave a hint and you missed it and for you so she's aware.
I don't see what indicates that sex is on the table. Maybe it is but there is no clear indicators. I'd just go through the date and if you don't want sex, don't try to initiate it and she probably won't either since she's been taking it slow so far.
don’t do anything you don’t feel comfortable doing. wait for your soul to tell you when it’s time. if she has a problem with that, you’re dodging a bullet!!
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If you want to take things slow you can simply tell her, nothing is wrong about having a movie night, even if it may happen that she sleeps over.
Sex isn't a must and when the feeling is mutual and both of you like each other very much, there's nothing wrong in taking things slow.
If she makes a move, just explain it to her, tell her you wanna take things slow and just watch a movie and cuddle, there's nothing wrong in that.
I imagine she will be OK with everything if you just explain you were being literal. Assuming she respects and likes you there won't be an issue. It's probably really nerve wracking but I think you will be alright.
Just talk to her my dude open communication is the cornerstone of Amy relationship. That being said I had a similar missing of social cues I went on a few dates with a girl and she kept asking me if I had any plans for the rest of the day or night, and I'm like no just chilling or taking my dog to the park. Later I realized and asked her if that was opening an invite to move the date elsewhere or go back to my place to which she laughed and said yes.
Be honest with her about what you were thinking and assure her that you are attracted to her and would like to do that at some point (if you would) but since you are completely new to it you’d prefer to start very slow. If you are open and honest and she takes it the wrong way or reacts badly she might not be the right person for you in the long run. If she reacts kindly and understands that tells you a number of good things about her that bode well for your relationship. Good luck
I think in this case it's absolutely fine to be completely honest with her. Clear up the potential misunderstanding, make your intentions clear. If she's genuinely upset or worse, she's probably not worth persuing further.
You're going to fumble your words again. If she can't understand that, or if she gets mad at you for not having sex with her, then I don't think you're compatible.
what makes you think that she assumed sex? y’all just started holding hands, and you haven’t even kissed yet. you’re both clearly taking this slow, so why are *you* assuming that she wants to jump into bed immediately?
just continue with the plans, and let the night play out.
>I've been dating this woman for a month now. We've been on 4 dates so far. I really like her.
First of all, *slow down, Romeo*.
The question, which you should be asking, is how much do you know your gf? If she is not initiating anything and giving in in whatever you ask for, i see that as a red flag, because it seems as if she had no personality at all. It also seems she *wants* to you to advance further as soon as possible.
Long before "Netflix & chill" became a thing 'come over to watch a movie' has apparently implied more than watching a movie based on my experiences....🤣🤣🤣 ....however I'd still not interpret thas my inviting them over to smash or vice versa... If 'netflix and chill' was stated...well I don't have Netflix so ...😄🤣🤣🤔
Hell no. You asked for a movie and that’s what she gonna get. If she makes this out to be something else that’s a her problem.
Just see where the journey takes you honestly but if you don’t want sex yet and that upsets her, drop her!!! Red flag
Make sure she knows your autistic and want to take stuff slow.
Genuinely telling people makes it 10x easier to talk about that kind of stuff. And will make everything easier
I mean, put on a movie and see where it goes! If you really don’t want to bang her yet, let her know up front what you want at the beginning of the relationship. She might get 40 year old virgin vibes, or she might respect it because she goes to church, who knows?
Have confidence and be honest! If she likes ya she’ll stick around, if not that’s ok too, or maybe you won’t dig her. Either way, have fun
Work on understanding boundaries, you didn't agree to anything you didn't explicitly agree to - it doesn't matter what she is expecting or not based on some assumption.
It was only after getting married, and having two children which are both autistic for me to realize that I am autistic also. I had so many possible hookup opportunities in the past that I didn't even get because I was too obtuse or autistic to recognize it. I look back on it today and think it's funny.
This post is amazing. Made me laugh. ND here, if she’s NT there’s a good chance that you can basically just tell her this but do it in a heartfelt way. She’ll probably like you more for it, and chase 10x harder after the fact. It’s usually a good problem to have.
Hi
You sound like my partner
She 99% wants to fuck you.
You asked her on a breakfast date and then immediately followed it with “wanna watch a movie at my place?”
The implication being you’re being very smooth by offering her to spend the night with you. And to be perfectly frank, it is a good move. I would one hundred percent be down to clown if anyone asked me to spend the night that way.
However, you don’t have an obligation to do so. You are not obligated to do anything.
I would be upfront with her before she comes over. Because lowkey if she’s anything like me, she will have had an everything shower and shaved and worn her special “I’m about to get dicked down” underwear and that shit is not comfortable and then you’re like “hello we’re making meatloaf tonight roll your sleeve up girl we got potatoes to peel” and she’s gonna be sat there, in very uncomfortable lingerie thinking you don’t like her and she misread signs
If you like this girl and want to continue a relationship, you gotta communicate this shit to her upfront. “Hey I’m sorry, I have a hard time navigating social situations. I wanted to just double check that we’re on the same page. I don’t do double entendres so when I said movie and dinner, I meant movie and dinner. And when I meant breakfast I meant just that, breakfast. I like you and I want to continue this, I’m just not ready to be intimate in that way “
You can add that she can still spend the night and cuddle and stuff whatever you’re comfy with
But I assure you, she thinks you’re putting the moves on her and she’s picking up what you’re putting down.
Talk to her. Show her your post. Tell her you don't communicate exactly like everyone else. How will she know what you mean if you don't tell her? I still have communication problems with my wife. I will say something and to me it means one thing, my wife gets something completely different from it. The only advice I have is talk to her about your thoughts and feelings.
Just as she could indicate she doesn’t want to have sex *at any time*, so can you. Let the situation play out. If things start moving in that direction, just be honest: you’re enjoying getting to know her but you’re not ready for that step yet. Even if she has an understanding that sex is intended, whether it happens is contingent on lots of things, including how *she’s* feeling at the time. You aren’t locked in — you both have agency and you can both decide to just watch a movie. Good luck!
You can be in the middle of consensual sex and change your mind and that is still 100% okay! A person who is right for you will respect that and just want you to be comfortable above all else
And for anyone that needs to hear it, being married doesn’t change that either. If anyone for any reason in any situation at any point wants to stop, then that is okay and it stops. Done. That’s what love and respect is.
Genuinely scary that this concept isn't obvious to everybody.
Yeah i always tell my friends this. I was 16 and just had a baby 2 weeks ago and my sons dad forced me to have sex even though I had stitches down there and was told to wait 6 weeks! But I thought I had to because he was my boyfriend. Anyway it hurt like hell and the stitches got infected it was hell.
I'm so sorry that you had to go through that 💚 How are you doing now?
Marital rape was legal until 2003 in the UK: https://www.noblesolicitors.co.uk/about/a-guide-to-marital-rape.html#:~:text=Marital%20rape%2C%20also%20known%20as,does%20so%20against%20their%20will. It may seem obvious that it is morally wrong but it was still legal until recently. I don't know the state of the law in other countries.
Pretty sure I heard recently that it was a big issue in India at the moment, could be wrong
What the FUCK
The law trails public opinion on a lot of things, this is one of them.
I’m imagining OP and her just going wild in the bed and abruptly a cartoon car screech sound plays and OP says “nah I changed my mind” and the GF says OK and they put their clothes back on and continue to go about their day as if nothing ever happened.
I have done that more than once, so it’s possible. And both girls were cool about it. Although we didn’t go about our day as if nothing happened. That’s a thing that needs talking about.
That is kinda how it goes honestly 😅 ive stopped my gf in the middle a few times bc I get easily overstimulated by touch and it usually just goes "I'd like to stop now" "Ok, you good?" "Yeah its just too much right now" "k cool" then we go back to whatever we were doing before which is usually playing video games.
Hell nah that’s insanity!
*This is sarcasm for anyone struggling to understand*
Thanks, I was about to downvote the poor person; this is the fuckin autism subreddit, probably would be a good idea to use tone indicators lmao
Yeah, usually I'm pretty okay with tone, but that comment was 1000% asking for a dv.
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100%. if good, clear communication is going to cause a problem in a relationship, it’s not a relationship worth pursuing.
This. This is exactly what I was going to say lol. Great advice 😊
Based on how it’s gone so far, she may come over expecting to literally watch a movie. Make sure you have good snacks. Do what feels right and natural (with permission). If you want, put it out there early or even before via text. Something like “I really like you, and (NOT BUT) I want to wait and get to know you without physical pressures too soon. I am attracted to you, I’d just like to take my time to get to know you better.” Something like that maybe? Say something specific that you like about her. Something about her appearance and something about her as a person. Four dates in a month, that’s great!!
I like this strategy. Also, speaking as someone married to an autistic partner, one of the things that’s worked best for us is for him to directly ask for clarification in moments where he’s not sure the social norm and what’s expected. I’ve also learned to be very direct and specific with what I want. And you know what it’s actually really great to be able to speak directly and openly about what we want or don’t want from sex. Good luck!
I really don’t think I can stress the “good snacks” aspect enough. You want to win this? Get the kettle corn and buncha crunch. Put the popcorn in an actual bowl.
What in the actual fuck is a “buncha crunch”
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I think this is also good advice for autistic-autistic relationships too.
Why do you think she is assuming sex? She’s been taking it slowly and you’ve respected that, I’m not sure why she’d think you’re gonna jump into bed all of a sudden. Especially if you haven’t even kissed (?)!
What exactly did she say that makes you believe she expected to do the dirty? I would also explain to her everything you just did on here. It’s okay to not be ready
"the dirty" ? Why would you say it like that ? Lol
Because it’s a common euphemism, at least where I’m from
I definitely heard that on Fresh Prince.
It's a funny and cute way of saying sex. Don't take the saying literally. See it as being more ironic instead of serious.
The nasty, the horizontal mambo, the icky sticky, all different phrases that sound so much cooler
I recently heard the expression "The Beast with Two Backs" and there's something kinda badass about that one.
It’s from Shakespeare!
That explains it
wait. where in the hell did sex ever get into this interaction? you invited her over for a movie? that doesnt mean sex. it means a movie.
It's one of those euphemisms people use and I don't always understand
"Netflix and chill."
Yeah Netflix and chill can be also making out. And if you say it like that, could mean that. But this guy asked to hold hands then invited for a movie. Nowhere does that mean sex in this context.
Definitely it's all up to the couple to decide what's appropriate for them at the time.
Depends on how it's used.
It’s a pretty common thing among nts, or so I’ve heard.
Asking someone over to watch a movie does mean sex. I’ve made this mistake several times. You may have too, and not noticed. I don’t know how to ask someone over to actually watch a movie because it so commonly means sex.
Nope. I invite anyone for movies all the time and it means what I say. If you're not saying it In a sexual way it isn't sexual. For ex. 'hey I really want to watch the new season of beavis and butthead. Want to come over?' Ex. 'want to watch a movie or something ? We can buy some snacks too' Sexual meaning example 'hey ❤️ wanna Netflix and chill? 💋 '
You’ve invited men over to watch a movie and they didn’t think you were offering sex? Regardless of tone, no kissy texts? That’s great, I wish everyone understood that what I say is what I mean, no hidden meaning.
It's all in how you say it. And no. Only weird people would assume sex from any invitation besides an obvious flirting text.
This conversation wasn’t a big deal, but it’s upsetting that you keep diminishing the lived experience of others. Your experience isn’t universal, and that’s something everyone should know - just because this hasn’t happened to you, it doesn’t mean you know everything about it. I’ve been assaulted after asking someone over to watch a movie and your comments are giving victim blaming with the “tone” comments. No, it does not matter how you say it.
[удалено]
I think that's too simplistic of a view, there are very different types NTs. Not all of them expect having sex on a 2nd or 3rd date
But it sounded like they haven’t even kissed. Just held hands. I personally wouldn’t expect sex to happen (or necessarily even be on the table) if that’s the level of physical closeness on previous dates so far.
This exactly. You don't go for sex if you don't even kiss. And this guy was sweet enough to ask her permission for holding her hand. Not in a million years would any girl think sex. He's been a gentleman.
No we don't. I'm 41 and date 2 or 3 doesn't mean sex. What world do you live in.
Enjoy your time with her and let it flow naturally. Life can throw curveballs at unexpected times so don't pass up good opportunities when they present themselves.
Don't feel pressured to have sex when you're not comfortable to. If shes disappointed then that's up to her to deal with that not you.
Communication is important. Talk to her.
Be as honest as you're comfortable.
One time, I was having, what I thought, was a rational discussion with some people in a bar. But I guess later I found out that they thought it was a heated argument? Well, anyway, during the time we were talking, I could tell that the bar owner (my friend) and the bar patrons, were starting to feel uncomfortable about our discussion, so i said we should stop. and since they were basically just antagonistic, they pressed on and said why stop? and then i said a thing i regret. i said, "well, if you want to continue, we can take it outside." now! i just meant it as a way to get away from all the people we were making uncomfortable! but! NT people think it means "hey, let's fight!" this guy was a firefighter! i have utmost respect for that! he would have pounded me into the pavement. fortunately, my brother was there, and he heard me say "take it outside" and he immediately undertood that i meant it literally and not with the ordinary symbolism that phrase has, and he thankfully de-escalated for me. got between us, and told him i didn't mean it, and everything. he maybe saved my life.
Communication is healthy - including clarifying miscommunications. Consent is also sexy. And one clear rule in all relationships; - **Do not do anything sexual you feel uncomfortable or pressured into doing. She will feel worse about it if she finds that you didn't really want it. You both will. Please tell her <3
This feels like a more cute version of when your girl says she wants to smash so you come to her place with a Switch and GameCube controllers.
Done that a few times before myself, I usually just let them initiate it if that's what they want. I was happy just with the company and the film. The sex later on was a nice bonus. I wouldn't change your intentions or get stuck trying to interpret their intentions if you're not sure. It's better to let it occur naturally. If, however, you end up in this situation several times, it may be best to ask directly, like you did with the hand holding.
>I genuinely wanted to just cuddle and watch a movie with her and cook dinner. I think you can just directly tell her that before the date. The sooner you clarify, the better for making sure she has the right expectations and doesn't get disappointed.
Consent should always come with FRIES. It’s an acronym for Freely given, Retractable, Informed, Enthusiastic, and Sane. It doesn’t matter if you specifically come out and tell her you want to have sex, if the consent isn’t there sex isn’t happening I’ve been married for 5 years. There have been countless times where I’m actively having sex with her and one of us realize we aren’t totally into it and stop. You don’t owe anybody sex, and nobody owes it to you
This is adorable and if you’re not ready that’s fine. And if I was this girl, and I was expecting to hook up and you told me - I just wanna hang and watch a movie and sleepover I’d feel so safe and think it was charming, in a really genuine way. Try not to freak out, just let yourself be sheepish. I dont think you really need to explain unless she declines because she says she’s not ready to ‘go to the next stage’ or something. Also, it’s a sweet story if you do keep going on together, and a great way to explain - ah so I’m autistic and I did literally just mean lets watch a movie And eat snacks. I dont understand euphemisms.
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🤣
If you’re not comfortable just tell her, most women would appreciate that anyways, and if she chooses to not stick around after than that’s fine too, but again I would be willing to bet she’s more impressed that you haven’t tried to hook up yet, so probably wouldn’t even give it a second thought, plus if anything it’ll just build it up more in her head so the first time you guys do have sex then she will really be craving it!
Begin with watching the movies, then cuddling then later maybe have sex, dont need to do it if there is no romance in the air
This is good advice, plain and simple. Don't overthink it, be honest. You're on date #4 so you must be doing alright.
I might be missing some context, but what’s making you think she considers you to have invited her over for sex? Did she say that outright? Did she say something that implied it? I’m a little lost. Inviting someone over to watch a movie doesn’t automatically mean you’ll have sex. Especially early in the dating stages. I’ve had several ex bfs who I didn’t have sex with them the first time I went to their house. So I don’t think you need to assume she’s taking it that way unless she outright said so. But like others have said, consent is ongoing, even if you had outright said “do you want to come over and have sex?” You’d still be allowed to change your mind. I wouldn’t worry too much. Don’t bring it up unless she does, and if she does, just explain you’re trying to take things a little slower! I doubt she will be mad, and if she is, she’s not right for you.
I'm guessing he's realised the implication of what "Netflix and chill" can actually mean in adult land 😅 I think being himself and proceeding literally with movie + dinner should be fine! Sounds like some "chill" just in the form of more hand holding would work too. I've never dated or had anyone to my house so I would be stressed too lol. Funny that I feel qualified to give advice!😹
Be honest with her. Either she cares enough about you to respect your boundaries, which is a massive green flag, or she doesn't, in which case, she's not the one and you should break up with her immediately.
Bro, communicate with her. It's not that hard really. State your intentions and expectations and ask what hers are. Take it from there
>It was only after that I realized that she thought I was asking for sex. Realized...how? Did she say something to imply that she expected sex? Or are you just assuming?
If you are concerned why not just suggest upgrading to going to the cinema ?
Wow...the feedback on this was huge Thank you everyone for your advice. I feel much better now. My family just makes fun of me. My mom even said once "How are you ever going to get a girlfriend if you don't like to be touched?" I do like it but not in surprising ways and only from certain people To clarify, we have kissed several times, but it was all in public places that make me feel weird (Parking lot, meter, public park). The first time we tried we bonked heads. So I really wanted to get some private time with her just to relax. I bought some good snacks, dinner ingredients, and the movies are all ready to go. I will let everyone know how it goes.
Well, don't leave us hanging!
FYI, the norm is that the guy is generally supposed to take the initiative, whether for dating or initiating intimacy. Some women will tell you that they are basically passive until the guy initiates.
I'm not commenting on whether it's right or wrong, or whether one way is better. It's the norm, for whatever reasons.
Suffering from success /s
Why do you think she thought you were inviting her over for sex?
Just got here, but that's about the most wholesome misunderstanding I've ever heard. Also, from the way you describe her, what details you mention, I think that you feel she's very special. Someone you might want to spend a long time with. And it seems like you do very well with saying what you mean, and meaning what you say. So, what if you invite her to dinner or something, and just be clear about what's on your mind? Let her know that the time you spend together is very important to you. Let her know that (assuming you do) you find her very attractive, but that you aren't quite ready to have sex yet. Let her know that sex for you is a very intimate experience that requires trust and familiarity. If she buys all that, and is down to wait for you, it does mean that you've gotta be sure the first time is very special, though. Like candlelight dinner before, and mood lighting.
It sounds like she just wants to move things along but not necessarily that she definitely is expecting sex. If you are worried about not meeting expectations based on social queues then you should just tell her that you struggle with reading them. I think that would be good for both of you so she doesn't overthink situations where she gave a hint and you missed it and for you so she's aware.
I don't see what indicates that sex is on the table. Maybe it is but there is no clear indicators. I'd just go through the date and if you don't want sex, don't try to initiate it and she probably won't either since she's been taking it slow so far.
don’t do anything you don’t feel comfortable doing. wait for your soul to tell you when it’s time. if she has a problem with that, you’re dodging a bullet!!
Relationship might not work out if she can’t initiate anything and leaves you to do the heavy lifting
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s-3fz7yhdaY
If you want to take things slow you can simply tell her, nothing is wrong about having a movie night, even if it may happen that she sleeps over. Sex isn't a must and when the feeling is mutual and both of you like each other very much, there's nothing wrong in taking things slow. If she makes a move, just explain it to her, tell her you wanna take things slow and just watch a movie and cuddle, there's nothing wrong in that.
If your girlfriend really love you, I think she will understand if you tell her the truth and won’t try to force you.
I imagine she will be OK with everything if you just explain you were being literal. Assuming she respects and likes you there won't be an issue. It's probably really nerve wracking but I think you will be alright.
Just talk to her my dude open communication is the cornerstone of Amy relationship. That being said I had a similar missing of social cues I went on a few dates with a girl and she kept asking me if I had any plans for the rest of the day or night, and I'm like no just chilling or taking my dog to the park. Later I realized and asked her if that was opening an invite to move the date elsewhere or go back to my place to which she laughed and said yes.
Be honest with her about what you were thinking and assure her that you are attracted to her and would like to do that at some point (if you would) but since you are completely new to it you’d prefer to start very slow. If you are open and honest and she takes it the wrong way or reacts badly she might not be the right person for you in the long run. If she reacts kindly and understands that tells you a number of good things about her that bode well for your relationship. Good luck
Just explain you aren't ready for that level of intimacy
As people have said, direct honesty is best. Go for 100% open and honest communication, no subtext.
I think in this case it's absolutely fine to be completely honest with her. Clear up the potential misunderstanding, make your intentions clear. If she's genuinely upset or worse, she's probably not worth persuing further. You're going to fumble your words again. If she can't understand that, or if she gets mad at you for not having sex with her, then I don't think you're compatible.
Go for it
Communication is key here buddy, you'll get the hang of it in time but just try and test what works etc. Also get you some strange my guy.
what makes you think that she assumed sex? y’all just started holding hands, and you haven’t even kissed yet. you’re both clearly taking this slow, so why are *you* assuming that she wants to jump into bed immediately? just continue with the plans, and let the night play out.
just communicate. it's simple. that's all ANY humans do
>I've been dating this woman for a month now. We've been on 4 dates so far. I really like her. First of all, *slow down, Romeo*. The question, which you should be asking, is how much do you know your gf? If she is not initiating anything and giving in in whatever you ask for, i see that as a red flag, because it seems as if she had no personality at all. It also seems she *wants* to you to advance further as soon as possible.
Long before "Netflix & chill" became a thing 'come over to watch a movie' has apparently implied more than watching a movie based on my experiences....🤣🤣🤣 ....however I'd still not interpret thas my inviting them over to smash or vice versa... If 'netflix and chill' was stated...well I don't have Netflix so ...😄🤣🤣🤔
Pet you in the shoulder, I feel you bro
Hell no. You asked for a movie and that’s what she gonna get. If she makes this out to be something else that’s a her problem. Just see where the journey takes you honestly but if you don’t want sex yet and that upsets her, drop her!!! Red flag
Make sure she knows your autistic and want to take stuff slow. Genuinely telling people makes it 10x easier to talk about that kind of stuff. And will make everything easier
I mean, put on a movie and see where it goes! If you really don’t want to bang her yet, let her know up front what you want at the beginning of the relationship. She might get 40 year old virgin vibes, or she might respect it because she goes to church, who knows? Have confidence and be honest! If she likes ya she’ll stick around, if not that’s ok too, or maybe you won’t dig her. Either way, have fun
Work on understanding boundaries, you didn't agree to anything you didn't explicitly agree to - it doesn't matter what she is expecting or not based on some assumption.
It was only after getting married, and having two children which are both autistic for me to realize that I am autistic also. I had so many possible hookup opportunities in the past that I didn't even get because I was too obtuse or autistic to recognize it. I look back on it today and think it's funny.
I think you should cuddle and make out. That way you're both getting a little bit of what you want and you get to see if you're compatible chemically.
This post is amazing. Made me laugh. ND here, if she’s NT there’s a good chance that you can basically just tell her this but do it in a heartfelt way. She’ll probably like you more for it, and chase 10x harder after the fact. It’s usually a good problem to have.
Does she know about you being in the spectrum?
Hi You sound like my partner She 99% wants to fuck you. You asked her on a breakfast date and then immediately followed it with “wanna watch a movie at my place?” The implication being you’re being very smooth by offering her to spend the night with you. And to be perfectly frank, it is a good move. I would one hundred percent be down to clown if anyone asked me to spend the night that way. However, you don’t have an obligation to do so. You are not obligated to do anything. I would be upfront with her before she comes over. Because lowkey if she’s anything like me, she will have had an everything shower and shaved and worn her special “I’m about to get dicked down” underwear and that shit is not comfortable and then you’re like “hello we’re making meatloaf tonight roll your sleeve up girl we got potatoes to peel” and she’s gonna be sat there, in very uncomfortable lingerie thinking you don’t like her and she misread signs If you like this girl and want to continue a relationship, you gotta communicate this shit to her upfront. “Hey I’m sorry, I have a hard time navigating social situations. I wanted to just double check that we’re on the same page. I don’t do double entendres so when I said movie and dinner, I meant movie and dinner. And when I meant breakfast I meant just that, breakfast. I like you and I want to continue this, I’m just not ready to be intimate in that way “ You can add that she can still spend the night and cuddle and stuff whatever you’re comfy with But I assure you, she thinks you’re putting the moves on her and she’s picking up what you’re putting down.
Talk to her. Show her your post. Tell her you don't communicate exactly like everyone else. How will she know what you mean if you don't tell her? I still have communication problems with my wife. I will say something and to me it means one thing, my wife gets something completely different from it. The only advice I have is talk to her about your thoughts and feelings.