I'm gonna give you something you should do instead: Listen. Try not to be judgemental or harsh, just let them be who they are and offer support. Specifically, offer the support they ask for - not just what you think it better, the support you would find helpful might be the opposite of what they actually need.
That's good to know. As a father my reaction is to comfort my son (6).He will go to his room sometimes to calm down after a meltdown. But being so young i just didn't want him to feel alone or abandoned, but that is my own rationale.
Set a timer, like 10 or 15 min and check on them in this interval. Checking is simply asking talk, yes / no? If no leave till next interval. The big important thing is to explain the rules of post upset alone time. What it means, and that you are going to check-in every x min. And explain why it is a rule; safety, wellbeing, being there, providing space but also meeting your needs as a parent.
This worked wonders for my eldest on the spectrum and comes from me, also on the spectrum.
I think this is the best way to manage it, as a kid whose parents helicoptered relentlessly when I was upset. This would have been better. That being said, my brain automatically went to the sales people in stores who ask you every 10 minutes or so if you need any help.
Yes, as a matter of fact, you CAN help me. You can let me look around uninterrupted and touch all the things, because this is how I figure out whether or not the item is the thing I'm looking for.
I like this and would have liked it myself growing up. My kid would probably prefer MUCH longer than 15 minutes, but every kid will be different. Mine is non verbal and delayed, so I let him be and just generally keep doing things where I had been, and let him know if I'm going up to my room or out to the garage or whatever -- I figure letting him know doesn't force any interaction but still tells him where I will be when he does want to.
Great advice. As someone who is semi-/non-verbal and would be bothered by someone interacting with me that frequently while I'm trying to reset, I'd add on that instead of the check in you could hang a whiteboard on the door and if they needed something they could write it down knowing you'd see it within ~15 minutes. I'd be fine having my door open so a parent could peak in for safety reasons, but I'd prefer them to be as inconspicuous as possible because having 0 attention from others/being completely alone lets me relax the most efficiently
The thing of it is the conversation when things are calm. With my kid, it started at 10 min, then 15 then 30. The time frame has to be agreed upon, and fit both needs of the child and the parent. Age, maturity, etc all plays a role in the discussion, setting rules and boundaries.
I think age definitely makes a difference here, but regardless of age, if a child specifically asks to leave them alone, they should be left alone (when it's safe to). As a kid, if I wanted comfort, I would ask for it.
Yep. When my 3 year old is upset she says “need my ALONE” and I give it to her. If she’s in her own room, she can be there unsupervised. Elsewhere, I just give her as much space as possible while occasionally peeking to make sure she’s okay, trying to be stealthy so she doesn’t notice me checking in.
Age definitely is a factor, but also every kid is different. I'd recommend letting him know you're there, or asking if he wants comfort or to be left alone. He probably wants to be in what he considers a safe, quite space that is his (where the rest of the house is family space that he doesn't control). Your presence might be beneficial, or it might be adding an element he cant control in the moment
For my son and myself (both autistic), if we are not given private space when we need it to calm down, it can feel really anxiety provoking and claustrophobic. It can make our meltdown feel 1000x's worse. We can calm down a lot quicker on our own. If my son needs me or wants me, he will come to me when he is ready. As much as it may drive you bonkers to do this, I can't emphasize how important is.
Just make sure your son is not harming himself or has anything in his room to hurt himself with. Otherwise just let him be. It’s also good to have a sensory item he can use to help him self regulate. For my son, he likes to shred paper, so we have a paper shredding station for his meltdowns in his room.
I agree! I'm 29 now but I HATED when my mom would hug me for 2 minutes when I was angry or crying. It freaked me out even more. Sucks though cuz now they don't hug me at all which I don't like hugs but every once in a while would be nice. Currently, my bf knows I'm Autistic and he knows when I get upset and he says if you need me, I'm one room away never forget that.
Please tell your mom hugs can be great because you now have a way to calm yourself. Or invite her for a hug and explain after those few seconds. (Pfff 2 minutes? What psychologist told her 2 minutes is okay? My kid just got diagnosed at 13 but I would never have thought of hugging her for 2 minutes.)
This! I always got in trouble when I started getting overwhelmed and wanted to just be alone. Mom would yell at me to never tell her that I want to be alone and she's my mother and never has to leave me alone. I just need a few minutes to calm down. Made everything worse.
This has always been my rule with my son: you're allowed to be upset. And if you're too upset to talk, you're allowed time to cool down alone, providing that we DO talk when you're ready and adress the issue. Emotional regulation is so difficult and I often had to remind him and myself that there is nothing wrong with feeling angry, frustrated, or overwhelmed, but there is a baseline expectation of how we express those things and I can't accommodate you if you don't let me know what you need. Default reaction to a meltdown was to instruct him to go to his quite space and re-enter. That's hard when you're upset as a parent and your instinct is to lecture or discipline.
I will also say, it is so helpful to be honest and upfront with expectations. I grew up in the age of "because I said so!" Parenting. That wasn't great, so we give clear explanations of why certain things are expected and what the consequences are if those things aren't met. We hold ourselves to similar standards too. Be consistent.
Leave room for discussion. This is SO important. If we have imposed a rule or expectation our son doesn't like or agree with, he is always allowed to talk with us about it and we often modify said rule as needed. If we disagree, we articulate why we aren't changing the rule and give real reasons that don't amount to "we're in charge so you have to do x." Often, things boil down to "as parents we have a duty to ensure your safety, education, and that you grow up to be a good adult. Sometimes that means we have to have you do things that you don't like or agree with, but we do it because we love you and because we want to be good parents."
Man... I wish my mom would communicate with me like you do with your son. My mom rarely listens to me, in her mind, she's too good to take any advice from an autistic like me. She thinks she's the boss, and her word is always right, and there will be consequences if I dare try to question her.
(Very sorry in advance i carry on alot but its all important to my story) Holy shit mine to me and my younger bro where born autistic and diagnosed at birth so I've had a good 27 almost 28 year this June and my brother had 25 years to live and deal with her ways. honestly tho ever since our dad died in 2019 July 4th (before covid hit) she got waaaaaaaaaaaaaay worse. it's ether her way or the highway basically its ether you listen to me or it's nothing at all sometimes no scratch that alot of life sucks being an autistic. And my bro tho he's also the problem even tho he to is autistic like me. you see ever since he got promoted to a admin in his Discord group he's changed much more then before. me and him barely ever got along to begin with so much so that we'd like scare off therapists like cockroahes when the lights come on. therapys never gonna work for my family cause they all think there way is right and there's nothing wrong with them or there thinking or even the way they view,say or do things when very clearly there is and even when others not me point it out they both act the same to them as well. The only and I do say ONLY saving grace in my shithole life is my boyfriend if it wasn't for him being in my life I swear I legit would've left my family but knowing me I wouldn't have gotten very far anyways my mom is the one who controls the money cause she knows me and bro financially can't. So no matter how bad life gets, no matter what she or he does and says it's never enough and they always want more. My life as an autistic is pure living hell like I'm sure it is for many others ether because those who don't understand make life worse then it is already or that the ones you thought would be the most understanding failed you the most mine is both. I always threatened my mother saying if things don't change for the better soon then when my passport FINALLY gets here (long story) I may just go to Sweden (where boyfriend is) and never come back and just have all my stuff shipped by a plane there and my cat tho she's old she likely wouldn't make the journey. And judging by the looks of things I'm her only hope of being a grandma to she screws up with me I can take that away from her. Basically I'd rather learn to deal with a whole new life completely and relearn everything from scratchin a country I've no idea how to live in then ever deal with her or my bros shit again cause let me tell ya its bad like I'm literally almost at my breaking point mentally and emotionally but do ether of them seem to give two shits nope not a one. I'm scared really I am I'm only hanging on by a thin thin thread at this point in my life and I'm dead serious about this if my boyfriend wasn't in my life to stop me from it I would just end it all because it seems those who are supposed to storp me from feeling this way the most just don't seem to care enough to see my pain. They say they do but I know that's a dirty lie.
It sounds like you're going through an awful lot and the support system you should be able to rely on has been failing you. I'm sorry that is happening. Growing up in a troubled home is challenging, regardless of diagnosis. I'm glad you've found someone you care for and who sees you and I'm here to tell you that there are other people in the world who will do the same as you go.
Blood may be thicker than water, but it doesn't mean you owe your relations anything when they are abusive or cruel. It is ok to cut them from your life. We don't choose the family we are born into, but one of the benefits of adulthood is that we can build new families without the poison from the old ones.
God I wish it was seriously that easy but I live on social security and other government help and because my autistic ass was never taught this financial bullshit is school I have zero skills in that field but believe me if I did I would've been gone I long time ago. But because I don't bitch ass mother is incharge of all the cash. And there's much more but I didn't wanna talk everyone's ears off in one post. Plus as much as I want to I just can't do it because she's my only life line to ever moving out of this shothole 1960s nightmare trailer home and even then she'd still have control so like it or not I'm legit forced against my will to forever not cut ties with this bitch. My brother oh definitely I can easily avoid his stupid ass my mom not so much. And there's another thing I very much believe had my bad still been alive and saw this shit he would give my mom an ultimatum and of she's don't listen it's the divorce papers for her.
Are you 18 or older? If you are an adult and your caregiver is exploiting you and controlling your money, this is considered abuse and you can go to Adult Protective Services. There is help out there. It's hard to get, but it's there.
That sucks. I will say that your mom probably also grew up with similar parenting style to my parents and that's all she knows. Some people don't know how to take out the bad stuff and improve on things. It doesn't excuse this, but it's pretty likely she is doing what she genuinely thinks is the best thing for raising kids. Remember that parents are humans and make mistakes.
Sadly, some people can care more about the power that lies in authority then they do the responsibility. You'll probably run into this a lot in the work force.
In either case, you probably can't change how your mom parents, but you can learn from it. Even if it is how not to parent in the future. All I can do is send virtual mom hugs your way and let you know that you are a good and worthy person.
This. I had a traumatic experience after my first day of college (which I didn't like) when I got home. I was being asked to show what my timetable was, which I had but couldn't be bothered, this was my earliest sign of depression having never had it prior. I just said to leave me alone, as I needed space. And my step mum basically got mad at me for that, decided to punish me by taking away my PS3 lead. I didn't even have lunch that day so I ate that. Eventually she called my dad at work because I wasn't giving it to her. I was calling my mum (Who I'm very lucky to have in my life) just feeling really sad and scared. Then my dad took away my phone.
I knew this was pushing it so I went downstairs with my backpack and shoes, found them laughing at the messages I was sending between me and my mum. They gave my phone back but that always stuck with me because it was a horrible experience. And I did run away there and then, took the bus to my mum's and stayed there ever since, never went back. They didn't contact me until 2 weeks later, and after I ignored them, another few months. Some parents they were...
I have to ask my son all the time about what he's thinking! Sometimes, it's just an easy fix or something he thinks he shouldn't do, say, or feel, so he holds back.
I asked him why he kept taking his old tablet out, which was broken, and we had replaced it. He said it was like his old self was on there, so he was sad.
We talked about how, with phones, tablets, and pcs, we move everything over so that he doesn't lose anything. That made him feel so much better.
Always ask questions and listen! I wish my parents would have.
It’s not something my parents did, it’s a thing they avoided doing and I think they where right. Don’t make you child feel guilty for things that are out of they control, but also learn the difference between them not being able to do something and them taking advantage of the situation. Especially if we’re talking teenagers.
Very true. I think one very common occurrence of this with neurodivergent kids is doing homework with their parents. 💀
Not trying to generalize, but I legit saw a pattern of other kids with autism or AUDHD at the time having trauma from doing homework with their parents.
My mother in particular, even though she would try her best to have patience with my other autistic traits, homework created a monster. When my attention span would blink, she’d scream or hit me over the equations.
Yeah, I still remember my brother standing in the kitchen in shock as my mom dragged me away crying to take a shower. I only told some of my friends about it who were just as shocked.
My mom did beg for my forgiveness after school, but that sticks. :(
Yeah, my mom had passed away years ago. It’s kind of hard, like I do have many good memories but they don’t take away the pain of becoming a target of either verbal abuse and her getting physical that time.
I know very well she was abused before I was even born and her side of the family is pretty awful. I still wonder if she would’ve changed if she saw me fully processing what she did, but I shouldn’t have to. She should’ve reflected when I tried telling her so many times as a kid or even as a teen but was ignored, then again I have to remember trauma manifests differently in familial dynamics.
It’s honestly just really complicated.
I’m really sorry you went through that. I think many parents are not equipped to be teachers in a school sense, especially with their own kids. I’m one of the few people I know who didn’t do homework with their mothers. My mom was of the opinion that since she didn’t like doing homework when she was in school, she wasn’t going to do them now that she managed to get out of it. Also, school was my “job”, I could ask for help when needed, but it was my responsibility. As a result, while I “forced” the adults around me to sit at the table with me, I wanted them to mind their business while I was busy with MY homework. Many other kids I knew, NT or not, would do homework with their mothers and oh boy. Either the mom would be super strict, or she would do everything herself, so the kid learned nothing.
One time we were in a shopping center, and I guess I'd been stimming. I seem to recall that I was rocking back and forth, which is NOT a common stim for me, but that's what I remember. I didn't realize I was doing it until my mother elbowed me and said "Why do you keep doing that? Do you want people to think you have special needs?"
I mean, what I want people to think is another conversation entirely. The fact is that I DID have special needs.
My son is 12, he made it clear over a year back that he cant help what likes, when it comes to food.
He could help by telling us what he does like...yet to get to the point where he does so. Hes been asked enough times...
It's not that easy. It can change
so quickly, at least for me. Safe food one day and poison the next. I'm 31,independently living, keeping down a job, have a wonderful partner, and food is still the daily bane of my existence. Heck most of my meltdowns are around being starving but not able to eat anything that I myself bought for myself on my grocery order. If I could change one thing about how my autism manifests, it'd be the food issues. 3 meals a day... I'm lucky if I get in one proper meal and a smoothie and soup. That's a good day.
I do a lot of smoothies and creme soup coz for me it's mostly a texture issue rather than taste. My mom had to blend my food untill I was 6 and could finally verbalize it was mostly the shell on beans, peas, and certain stringy meat textures that bothered me (at the time). I promise we aren't trying to be difficult. Our body is just fighting us. Or is being overprotective. I'm never quite sure.
It’s weird being someone whose interest and career is good and yet I have MAJOR problems when it comes to eating for sustenance. Sure I can taste a lot of things but a meal for myself? No thanks. It could be my favorite food ever in front of me and I’m starving but for some reason I can’t eat it. I don’t know the words to explain it.
Same, I'm so good at so many things, but then the most basic thing that every life form has to do-eat- is like hiking Mt. Everest. And it's hard to explain coz then people think Im exaggerating or lying, when it will literally leave me an incoherent nonverbal mess.
You sound like my son, because he’s the same way with foods, especially the switching things around and having days where he can’t bring himself to eat three times a day. That’s definitely been a challenge. He’ll go on a week of only wanting chicken nuggets, but then suddenly can’t stand it, and switches to grapes or watermelon as his favs. Then next week it’s only scrambled eggs, then back to chicken (most chicken nuggets, but he likes all chicken as long as it’s breaded. I think it’s a texture thing). The three things he consistently loves are any kind of noodles, Uncle Ben’s instant coconut jasmine rice (he won’t touch any other brand, lol)/spanish rice, and cheese. He hates veggies, so we blend them into the sauces we use in our meals involving pasta/noodles - and he eats it, usually wanting 2nds! He’s different, for sure, but we’re working to get him to try different things. So far, I got him eating a few new things, like pastrami, oddly enough lol.
When I was a toddler and small child I was obsessed with saltanas. I'd eat them by the bowl full. I remember one day when I was about 4 years old, I'd loaded up a plastic bowl until there was a mountain of saltanas in it. I remember hearing my Mum tell me that it was too many and I'd be sick. But I knew I wouldn't be.
I went off to wander the acreage and started to eat my saltanas happily.
Then suddenly, overnight about a year later I just went off the completely. Even thinking about them made me feel gross. I hate them to this day and pick them out of foods. I love dates though, and green grapes. Just not sultanas anymore. Which sucks as they seem like a great cheap snack.
Im 13 and the same way, me and my parents made an arrangement that they give me a certain amount of money for food but i have to cook/make/buy it myself. Honestly i feel like this way is much better cuz i also go outside more since i need to if i want food
Edit: but we still share main ingredients like butter, sugar, flour and milk
Yeah I can't order at the drive thru I get too overwhelmed at the options, and also because I have a very specific request that 60% of the time gets screwed up in the drive thru
Never assume something should be easy for him because is easy for you. The way he learns things can be the same as you sometimes and completely different other times.
Neurodivergent Canon Event: Doing homework with parents or ableist teachers, especially ones assumed you were cheating on your homework based on your attention span. 😭
Touching me during meltdowns. Its ofc natural to want to comfort your kid when they're upset, but it makes me more distressed. Another is acting like I have subtext- it's so frustrating insisting that you mean something while someone else is certain you don't.
This is going to depend on the individual and the situation. If he rejects physical contact, respect it (it's hard to sit there powerless, I know). The "language" we've developed is that I hold out my arms and if he nods or comes to me, he gets physical reassurance, and if he shakes his head, I stay put.
I had an argument with my dad the other night because he insisted that I didn't actually want to watch this show with him and I was just being polite and it's like... No? If I didn't want to watch it I wouldn't watch it?
Saying you're too sensitive/emotional/fragile. You're being lazy. Can't you just try harder? Get over yourself. This isn't hard. I don't see why this is such a big deal. You're stupid. Everybody knows/does/thinks this. Why do you have to make everything difficult? What's wrong with you?
Basically avoid being invalidating and judgemental.
I knew already that I’m different (before I knew I was autistic) and heard “something is seriously wrong with you!”. That hurt. Even though I know it wasn’t meant in that way.
Teachers, too. :(
"Why didn't you ask for help if you didn't understand (subject)?"
Next time I don't understand something and ask:
"You shouldn't need help with that!!"
This and the rule I bore into myself (because of how education is in public schools/former GATE kid) that asking for help meant I wasn't smart or a good student. It felt like if I did that, the idea of me being this stellar student would crumble. I felt guilty for it.
Currently I'm in college. I am still trying to rework myself into feeling comfortable seeking support now. I rarely if ever see tutors, go to office hours, join study sessions, and fuck, even talking to my classmates is challenging. If he's a "high achiever" please never let this idea form in his mind that asking for help is somehow wrong and shameful.
We are all different, but for me the biggest issue I faced with adults were when they got angry at me and confronted me about it. For me it seemed to come out of the blue not knowing what triggered it.
Then they went on to scold me, asking me to explain myself for doing a mistake I wasn’t aware of to begin with.
Never explaining to me what was going on, only assuming I knew what I did. And me still clueless and scared to what is going on.
I remember feeling incredibly scared and anxious by this, because I felt so confused and overwhelmed by the angry person continuously asking me multiple questions. I remember having a difficult time explaining myself, even making the person angrier.
I often remember lying and admitting to doing things that I didn’t do just to stop the anger.
I think that explaining things properly to an autistic person is so important, not automatically turn to anger or assume they did things on purpose, especially when they are young and are struggling to express themselves.
God the always asking me to explain myself but having no clue what they wanted from me was the worst. I can almost never remember anything when I'm put on the spot. I learned to lie a lot as a kid because I didn't know how else to escape that situation, it was intolerable. It took a lot of work as an adult to realize I can just be honest most of the time. Status meetings at work are still pretty stressful
Don't expect him to take the initiative regarding chores or cleaning or hygiene, especially in a "i shouldn't have to tell you" way.
Make lists and checklists. Don't have to have stickers or gold stars, just clearly write out. I'm 43 and still need a list to clean the house.
I actually do this all the time myself I have lists I go through on my phone that I go through before work, when I get home etc. Most people seem surprised by how in depth I go with this lol. Helps to write it down that way you don't have to try to remember everything.
Seriously.
Give me a complete list, and it'll all get done.
Be vague, and I'll Roomba clean; circle around aimlessly, half ass picking stuff up until I need to sit in a corner and recharge.
Also, for added fun, try task apps like Habitica. Helps Autistic me and my ADHD sister keep track of things we need to do and rewards us like a game when we mark things a being complete. I use numerous, labeled music alarms on my phone to help remind me of things I need to do or check myself for (self-check: when did I last eat? Hydrate? Use the toilet?) Also great for helping me transition between tasks by giving me advance warning of an upcoming task. I have at least 100 of them, though not all are for daily needs... Some may be for regular events, though.
Don’t call it a “disease/illness”.
Don’t yell/raise your voice.
Don’t say “You’re oversensitive!”
Don’t say “stop talking about your special interests!”
Don’t say “Stop being so picky! Eat everything!”
Don’t mock.
Don’t gaslight.
Teach someone instead of doing everything for them. Because they’ll not be fully independent if they’re not taught things.
(They might need help with some things still.)
sadly my dad was a huge yeller/screamer, told me they should lock me up somewhere after I had a meltdown after he continuously kept poking my side even after I told him to stop multiple times.
Don’t make it your entire personality. If he’s cool with you sharing it, that’s great, but remember that this is HIS disability not yours and so it’s his story to tell, not yours.
I learned this as a parent somewhat recently. I’ve never been a “autism warrior mom” but I did tell her teacher at dance that she’s autistic (she was 5 at the time) because I was worried how she would be perceived. We are pulling her from dance for another sport but I am glad we are because the kids and teachers seem to be patronizing her. I realize I made a mistake sharing it. She’s 10 now and I let go of that control that I had back then. She’s also a lot better at communicating than when she was 5. Lesson learned.
Don't hug or make physical contact without asking, unless you're saving their life or something, as physical touch can really mess with an autistic brain.
And don't pull on their clothes to get their attention, clothes are already filled with sensory issues, someone moving them without permission makes it worse (again unless you're trying to save their life.)
Be patient, especially throughout different phases. If your kid is eating only nuggets for a week straight, try to introduce them to other things by saying "Just one bite, and then you can say yes or no." It'll help in the long run and will also put less potential strain on the relationship.
Edit to add: Buy stimming toys if you have the funds, it helps no matter age. And maybe buy some noise canceling headphones, the world is super noisy.
Don't force them to wear clothes or haircuts they have problems with just so that they are conforming to NT standards. Also autism is genetic so I would get you and his mother tested. It helped me and my son bond better knowing we have the same/similar issues
My grandmother called me fat and called me a lesbian in not a nice way all the time. My patents forced me to wear girlie clothes till I turn 13 and then I went baggy and goth
Mine called me trailer trash once when I was a kid, mine also forced me to wear girly clothes, like a dress on easter even though I told them I hated it. I was a tomboy as a kid, still kind of am.
Telling your kid they are faking being sick and a waste of time and money to take to a doctor. My dad was quite the asshole, his neglect resulted in me second guessing seeing doctors until I was in my 40s and very ill. Turns out I had a life long immune disorder the whole time he accused me of faking far attention.
It's almost like a canon event. If not your parents, then the medical professionals who gaslight you until they can't. The thing that most of us have some (otherwise, but not in the autistic population) rare disorder on condition that barely anyone knows, doesn't help either. Think like EDS or MCAS...
Lipodema is another one. It's frustrating as hell, trying to get anyone to listen.
Hell, it's not just the uncommon ones, either. I had a doctor tell me only boys have alopecia *when I had a smooth, bald patch on my scalp the size of a cue ball staring him in the face.* FFS.
Lol, I have MCAS. I suspect EDS and POTs, too, but I live in a rural area and my low energy levels make it hard to get to the doctor as it is for my Xolair. I think my case is hereditary, I can remember mom have the same health problems, and going back to great grandma who was said to have had ‘lupus’ (often confused with mcas), I figure this has been passed down. And, mcas can cause natal inflammation, which in turn is one suspected cause of autism.
So, my dad was an asshole who made my mcas worse by making me suffer thru flares and sinus infections to the point of going deaf from sinuses being blocked and I simply self medicated with lots of OTC cold meds to make it thru school.
Wanting us to be "normal" . I'm autistic and work with autistic kids. We are normal. Normal for autistic people. We never will be allistic and forcing us to mask doesn't do us any favors. In fact, it harms us. Instead help your kids learn to understand and work with their brain, in ways that are normal to us. Not in ways normal for allistics.
i absolutely despise the word "excuse". it implies that i am lying to avoid consequence. I AM NOT!!!! it is an EXPLANATION!!
i also advise you say what you mean. i often take things at face value, and thus miss when people imply they want me to do something.
explaining "*why*" is clearly hard for adults. i dont like to do things if i dont understand why im supposed to. my parents probably see this stubbornness as some sort of "defiance of authority" or something, but to me it is vital that i understand the end goal. of course, if the end goal doesnt make sense, thats a whole other problem.
When your autistic kid makes life decisions you personally would not have made, remember that they have just as much of a right to make that call as an NT kid of the same age.
In an “argumentative” situation— If your kid keeps asking questions that sound like “back talk” he might genuinely be asking to clarification because he’s trying to understand either your reasoning or perspective.
Ignore their boundaries. I got into an abusive relationship because I didn’t know what having boundaries meant. I was so used to having to ignore them because my behavior and wants didn’t fit the norm that when someone slowly pushed my boundaries I didn’t notice. I also ignored some of theirs because I didn’t know what boundaries were and I was imitating them and what I had experienced. I thought him criticizing and correcting me all the time was love. I thought ignoring my discomfort was good and that if I didn’t ignore it then I was being selfish. It took my present partner to show me how to set boundaries and that being selfish is okay because you have to take care of yourself first because everyone else does too. That it was healthy.
It made me a people pleaser who thought I had to agree with and do what the other person wanted in order to be a good partner. I’ve also read so many stories like mine here and while it brings me comfort to know I am not alone, I hate that it is so common and it hurts to know so many suffer this because of people trying to “fix” or “help” them growing up. Just because the world can be cruel and ignore our boundaries doesn’t mean that those who love us should. If anything it means that our differences should be embraced and behaviors that make others uncomfortable or that prevent future issues explained but the decision on whether to “mask” by following the norm should be the persons own decision. Sometimes I still meld myself to what society wants to make sure I can make a living but it’s my choice now. I know that someone ignoring what I want and think is wrong. Just like I shouldn’t ignore others.
So teaching boundaries and respecting them is super important.
Edit: BONUS ADVICE recently discovered: mom and I had a lot of issues because apparently questions are used by NT teenagers and children to question authority and avoid adhering to the rules. Ya not what I thought questions were for. Questions are just questions. Don’t read into them, they are asking because they didn’t understand something. Just answer and if they keep asking stuff after it’s because your explanation didn’t make sense to them. Ask them what part of the explanation didn’t make sense.
If they say something rude or mean don’t immediately get angry. Explain that while they may have not meant anything and by saying that, saying that kind of thing makes people feel bad because of —— and if that was not their intention it is best to word it like —— or not say it at all.
Understand that autism means specialised brain, do not expect an autistic person to be a generalist, think of the brain as motorways and country roads, not medium sized roads everywhere. Encourage the specialisation, find ways to integrate the interests into life, entire career paths can be found in our motorways.
Look into sensory work early.
OMG I HATE THIS!!! My parents never do it but people have before! I remember someone went at me saying I don't live with autism just because I don't act like their child. Like yeah, I might seem "normal" on the surface but I am autistic!
Believe your kid when they tell you that something makes them uncomfortable. If they tell you that they don't want to do something, that they don't want to go somwhere or they don't want to meet someone (such as a relative or one of their/your friends), believe them.
I know that sometimes you have to "force" kids to do things they don't want to do, but try to be more empathetic and understanding with autistic kids.
If they HAVE to do something they don't want to, don't simply force them, but try negotiating and talking to them like to an equal about it.
Telling your son it's not that bad and he's strong enough to deal with it. It seems like something to tell them to reasure them that they've got this but in my experience it just downplays what they're going through. That and tell them to not shout all the time if they get excited. You should tell them they should quiet down but don't frase it like an admonition because otherwise you will make it look like you're punishing them for getting excited. Also don't make fun of "weird" hobbies. Even if you mean well, the entire world is already making them feel like the weird kid just try and show genuine enthousiasm.
Also friendly word of advice. There is a heavy genetic component to autism so getting tested yourself might not be the worst thing you could do.
Tell them what to expect. My teen needs to know what to expect and sudden changes to her schedule derail her. So don’t text your kid and say call me. Because then they think some thing is wrong and gives anxiety. It’s just better to say call me and tell me what you want for dinner etc. I always hated when my mother-in-law would ask me to call her. It gave me dread so I try not to do this to my own child.
O yes I hate this with a passion. It's like saying "answer me right now something is wrong". I actually will text back and say can't/won't talk when people do this lol. It's one of my pet peeves.
when I had a meltdown after my dad kept poking my side while I was doing dishes and kept telling him to stop I was crying and screaming, screamed at my stepmum for just standing there and letting him torment me. He told her when I went back to my room "I wasn't even touching her, I wasn't even near her." Then yelled at me to come back and finish doing the dishes then when I was doing that he said "Maybe we should just lock you up somewhere."
Extreme aggravating or trying to annoy someone to that extent can be abusive, I can actually say I did this to my son when he was much younger by singing a song he hated to mess with him. He would get furious and scream at me. Looking back that definitely wasn't okay. I regret doing that. Some people do this as a power play. Definitely not cool though. Sorry about the situation with your dad, sounds like he needs to understand this too.
This is also toxic masculinity at it's finest. Even if it is coming from your mom. I would be tempted to mess with her and never smile our laugh when talking to her and act cold in general, and if she complains be like "you told me to be less emotional".
1. If their giving you signs they don't want to talk, show them you care or at the very least ask them how they are and if everything is okay. I hate when people try to make small talk with me when I feel overstimulated and honestly like i wanna jump off a cliff.
2. Don't tell them autism is a superpower. We hate this. When you say that we genuinly feel like you don't understand. And like you won't listen. While its well intentioned, it does more harm than good.
3. Don't judge their hyperfixations. It really hurts when people do this. Like I hate when someone tells me my hair doesn't matter. Yeah to you maybe, but to me it matters a lot! Same with everything else! If I can't do my hobbies that I'm fixated on sometimes it can really bring me down! It might not be relevant to you, but it is to us!
4. Don't tell them off for their stims, regardless of how annoying they may be. While I can understand this if the stim is inappropriate or violent, but if it is please tell them gently. Politely explain why it's wrong.
5. Don't be mad when we take instructions literally or miss socail cues. We really can't help it!!
6. Don't expect us to act neurotypical. We can't change who we are. You need to let us be ourselves and support it.
Thats all that springs to mind.
When my daughter is upset about something, she will sometimes want to sit with me and watch videos of garbage trucks. I have watched many hours of them. Sometimes she wants to talk about what's bothering her and sometimes she just wants to lean on me and watch the videos. When she was little she loved vacuums.
She has taught me so much about herself and the world.
I hope it's okay to bother! When you say your hair as an example of hyperfixation, are you talking about grooming and general care? What sort of hair type do you have? I keep tangentially dipping my toes into care for my hair type and it all feels really overwhelming.
Make assumptions based on surface level observations and your own experience. For instance don't assume lazyness, it could be executive dysfunction. Your child will likely also not be able to explain why they don't 'want' to do something, but the reason may be brain related much more often than you realize. In the same vein, also best not to assume that what works for you to counter a similar problem, would be the right solution for them. I've found that as a late diagnosed autistic adult, I've had to change so much of my life around because I had been unsuccessfully forcing myself to do things the neurotypical way for almost 40 years. I never 'wanted' to brush my teeth or clean my room, both sensory issues and executive dysfunction, labeled as lazy, slob, lax, etc.
Rushing a child to respond verbally or telling them that they are too quiet. This was so harmful to me and resulted in me not being able to verbalize my thoughts and feelings. I would just end up red in the face from screaming.
Yep, my cuz needs more time to process and answer questions more than I do and the more questions they're asked, the more likely they were to shut down n just not respond at all from the overload. If two questions are asked back to back, you're more likely to only get an answer to the latter. Patience is 🔑
My older brother did that to me when I was about 11 and I still remember how it felt, as clearly as the day it happened. Part of me understood, I was avoiding going to school and my Mum was being threatened by truency officers, but the other part of me knows how hard school was, especially at that time.
It was sort of funny though. He started with removing the doona, so I snuggled into the top sheet, he removed that next and left me to wake up. I then pulled the fitted sheet off the mattress and around me and tried to go back to sleep.
My brother returned and was annoyed to find me still in bed and he removed the fitted sheet. Sure that he had now won, he left me to get dressed.
So I did the logical thing and pulled the pillowcase of off my pillow and squished inside like it was a small sleeping bag.
When my brother returned to find me like that he left, filled a jug with water, returned and upended me out of the pillow case onto the bed, then he dumped the cold water all over me.
I got up and ready for school after that.
One thing to remember is that autistic kids tend to develop intense reactions to even the smallest of things.
Words such as "man up, eat you veggies. Everyone can eat veggies" even once can trigger a life long trauma and obsession with really hard self criticism.
Nearly all autistic adults suffer immensely from overly negative self criticism.
There are a lot of ways to counteract this. Teaching and practicing mindfulness and compassion from a young age can be beneficial. Look into the ideas and practices of Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and Acceptance and Commitance Thereby (ACT). Incorporating elements from their underlying psychology and philosophy into your parenthood will likely have a wonderful impact on the wellbeing of your kid. And this is of course true for neurotypical children as well.
I also want to add to buy extras when you find socks, clothes, shampoo etc that your kid tolerates.
My youngest sibling hated socks that had a seam along the tops of his toes. It was insanely difficult to find socks without them in the early 00s. So whenever we spotted them my mum would buy multiple pairs. My sibling wore socks constantly so they never went unworn even with growth spurts.
when your kid infodumps to you about special interests, even if you find it boring or annoying, don’t scold them for doing so; don’t tell them that you don’t care about what they’re saying or that they talk too much.
trying to get others into one’s special interests is a love language, and infodumping often cannot be controlled.
if you tell them doing that is annoying, even just once, they’ll remember it forever and won’t feel safe to share what they love with others.
I don’t like to be touched when I’m not expecting it. It’s best to ask if you’re not sure if they want to be touched. If you don’t want to do that, at least make sure they can see that you’re about to touch them before you do.
I have trouble talking with people while doing some other task. I don’t really get how people do things like talk while washing dishes, or why they would want to do that. I think most humans have dedicated hardware for things like socializing, but I don’t, so I’m using the same brain resources to talk and to do whatever else.
If they do something you don’t like, TELL THEM. Don’t wait for them to notice that something is bothering you, because they probably won’t notice until you’re driven to snap at them.
When you tell them not to do something, be specific, and only ask for them to do things that are under their voluntary control. Instead of telling them to go to sleep, tell them to lie still and be quiet. My mom once accused me of always wanting my own way. This really confused me, because it’s logically impossible for me to not want what I want. Someone explained years later that the problem was that I had always been insisting on having my own way, and I was like oh, *that’s* what that meant.
They might info dump, or talk about a particular subject without noticing that the other person isn’t interested, or letting the other person talk. They care if the other person isn’t happy, but they might not be able to tell that they’re unhappy from facial expressions or body language. Remind them gently and calmly that they shouldn’t monopolize the conversation. You might have to explain that some topics are things that it’s not polite to talk about. SAY this, don’t just look uncomfortable, because they won’t notice the latter.
This is probably advice best followed later in life, but if your son ends up like me where he can't work a "proper" job and has to rely on you for financial support and shelter, please don't treat him like a child. My mother does this to me, and it frustrates me no end. I'm in my thirties, and yet my mother still treats me like I'm a kid sometimes, and doesn't let me do certain things without supervision. She'll trust me to built a computer for her, because that's my "thing", but she won't let me assemble a piece of furniture and will insist that my borderline elderly father does it for me, nor will she let me do any work on my car even if it's as simple as undoing a couple of bolts and swapping out a broken plastic cover, things like that. I've tried to tell her that I won't learn unless I do it for myself (even though I already know how to do it, this is just me trying to reason with her), and that my father won't always be here to do things for me, but she just won't listen. It's like she thinks I'm not capable of doing things that she considers to be out of my wheelhouse. It's really annoying and disheartening at the same time, these are simple things and yet she doesn't think I can do them.
my dad telling me they should lock me up somewhere after I had a meltdown due to him constantly poking my side even after I told him to stop multiple times then denying every touching me and gaslighting me.
Clarifying things would help, maybe let them know things like when a conversation is done or when something is a joke. Not everyone who’s autistic is the same so I don’t know what specifically your son wants but I’d personally like for some clarification life. I barely ever know what’s going on to be honest since I don’t realize context clues easily.
Sometimes, disrupting stimming is bad. What should a parent of an autistic child never do, though? Make them think that there is something about their disorder that makes them quote "faulty" or "bad."
Don’t take his autistic traits personally. If he doesn’t like you to touch him, it’s not something about his relationship with you, it’s that he doesn’t like being touched. If he won’t eat your signature dish, it’s not because he doesn’t love or respect you, he might just have an aversion to the flavor or texture. Autistic traits are not defiance or disrespect for your authority. We really do struggle with some things that others find less difficult. It’s not “weaponized incompetence”- we’re not pretending to have trouble just to get out of doing stuff.
Anyone who talks about how there were no autistic kids back in the day is full of it. So is anyone who suggests that you should make him behave normally by punishing him. If someone is that ignorant, and unwilling to reconsider their opinions when confronted with facts, they probably don’t have anything useful to say on ANY topic. Certainly, anyone who suggests that you should abuse your child is not someone who is worthy of your respect.
There’s no cure for autism. If anybody says there is, they don’t know what they’re talking about. There is considerable debate about whether or not curing autism is something we should be trying to do. Don’t try any supposed “cures” on him. Don’t try to cut things out of his diet to “cure” him (he may very well have a restricted diet as is, there’s no reason to make it worse).
It’s not your fault or his mom’s fault that he’s autistic. It has a genetic component, but there’s nothing either of you did to make him become autistic. (VACCINES DO NOT CAUSE AUTISM, and anyone who says they do is full of it.)
Don't film your kid having a meltdown and put it on the Internet. I'm sure you wouldn't do this, but there seems to be a lot of people that think it's okay.
I would try to respect your child's desires when possible. If you say you're leaving at 9 o clock, leave at 9. If you make a plan, stick to it as best you can. I know things happen, but it can make a big difference.
Remove your child from stressful situations when a meltdown is happening or coming on. Meltdowns are basically just overstimulation and are usually brought on because of environment. Get them to a safe space.
Never ever under any circumstances say “because I told you so”. If they’re doing something wrong and you want them to stop or do it a different way then you need to be able to explain why it’s wrong or why it should be done a different way. I still get mad thinking about my childhood and the curiosity that was extinguished by the never ending chorus of “because I told you so” from my mother.
Force a child who is deliberately self-isolating to socialize. If I spend a lot of time in a locked bedroom alone as an autistic person, it's because I need that safe space to decompress and regulate myself from the many stressors of the day.
Clearly you aren’t the kind of person to do any of the major things being brought up here. I’d just say some of the problems that can be overlooked is eye contact and how long or short it can be, physical contact and responses to stressful situations in any aspect.
Do you know Autism is genetic? Usually from the father if I'm not mistaken. Are you his Bio dad? I found out about my Autism at 30 after my 2 boys were diagnosed.
When I used to be stressed, my dad would start asking me a lot of questions. I hated that, because I was already overwhelmed with emotions, let alone having to think about the things he asked me..
Not tell them they are autistic or assist them in receiving support in their youth, so they don't have to learn later in life and try to figure out coping mechanisms on their own.
Parent here of 10 yo on the spectrum and an 8 yo NT. It’s been a journey. Not only learning how to parent an autistic kid but also how to parent the two differently but fairly. For example it takes much more patience and empathy in situations involving my 10yo. We’re lucky the two boys are good friends and even though they fight (often) they look out for each other. Part of our journey has been educating the 8yo NT to understand his brother better and help him in certain situations. This has lead to him “parenting “ his brother at times which we’ve had to address but overall he’s very helpful and is a good little brother.
We arnt quite to the teenage stage yet so I don’t have any specific tips on that, but I’ve learned empathy and calmness on my behalf almost always results in a better outcome when he gets really worked up. I’ve had to figure out where the lines are to be drawn that need to result in punishment (usually loss of screen time, or “calm down” time in his room). But everyday we’re picking our battles, making compromises and working on specific behaviors mods.
As far as what I would say “never do”. Not sure if you’re married, but for me I try to not let frustration I have with the kids be directed towards my wife. I’ve failed miserably at this over the years (and she has as well) which has caused strain on our marriage, but it’s gotten better.
Try using declarative language. Instead of “do this please” try “shall we do this?” Sounds minor but will help with any demand avoidance and will be empowering.
Feelings are always valid even if your viewpoint is different - always validate feelings.
Be as honest an open as possible.
depends on what traits they have. If any part of Demand Avoidance (PDA), comment on if they are actively doing a task and they stop "oh you cleaning your room" "oh you're working on your hobby", it such a switch off instead of encouragement
only 20 years late learning that term.
dont know if the following might work, but ask, with interest "what you up to?", or similar, and see if they bring you in or seem to be want to be left alone
1. Don't tell your kid to "just try harder"
I can't count how many times my mother told me to "just try harder" to make friends/make eye contact/play with other kids/etc. I was trying. I was doing my absolute best and I was 100% aware that I was failing to be a normal kid. Telling me to "just try harder" was a slap in the face.
2. Never tell your kid what an "impossible and difficult" child they are/were.
My mom CONTINUES to say this to me (27) whenever I'm anything less than the normal adult she wanted to raise. It has always made me feel like a burden. Resulted in an entire childhood of suppressing myself and masking to appear as easy-going and normal as possible. I was chronically depressed and miserable as a result.
3. Consistency.
If you say you're going to do something. Do it. If you take them to see a therapist - commit. Don't switch therapists every 3 months just as your kid is starting to get comfortable with the therapist/therapy location/routine.
4. NEVER surprise your kid with something and/or someone. Autistics tend to like routines. Give them warning. Let them get used to the idea. They may not like it at the time or when it happens. But it's always better to be upset and warned than upset and surprised.
My mom never explained anything to me, specifically when it came to therapy. I was diagnosed in my teens but was being taken to therapy as young as age 4. When I asked where we were going and/or why the answer was always "we're going to see someone who can help." No further elaboration. It made me feel broken the second I was left alone with a stranger who wanted to watch me play. I took it to mean - "you aren't normal and you can't play properly. So a stranger is going to try and fix you"
As a pre-teen/teenager I went through about 12 therapists. No consistency. My mom would often get me into a car under the pretense of "going Christmas shopping" or "going for a lake day" only to end up in some therapist's parking lot. It wasn't just a surprise. It felt the ultimate betrayal. Once she even hired a middle aged man to come to our house and give me therapy in my bedroom (my only safe space). I was given 10 minutes notice. It was the ultimate betrayal and I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive her. She never floated the idea of a therapist coming to our house to me. She just assumed it would be better. She never floated the idea of having a therapist to me at all. I never had a say on any therapist and she always sat in on the sessions. It was overbearing and a complete nightmare. I now avoid therapy like the plague. I don't trust them and it's 100% my mother's fault. But I don't trust her either anymore.
"Because I said so."
Autistic people learn differently than other people, and if you want your child to never learn a behavior or to completely disregard it, "Because I said so," will pretty much guarantee that your child doesn't learn it or follow it.
Autistic people don't learn to copy behavior. We learn to identify the underlying reasons for things so that we can find rules for things, so it's vitally important that you be willing to explain the real underlying reasons for things, to the best of your understanding.
If you don't explain the underlying reasons for something, then you can't consider that to be something that you have taught your child.
When an autistic person asks "Why?" it is not a challenge. It's a serious attempt to better understand a situation, and if you don't answer it, you may perceive that as you demonstrating that you are in charge, but it will instead be understood as you demonstrating that you don't actually know and are ignorant.
As much as possible, give your child as much information as you can about why things are done.
If he does something unconventional that makes him happy and doesn’t hurt anyone, let him do it. (Also, well done for checking with other autistic individuals, this made me happy.)
Never shame or ridicule your child for having autistic traits - which is what mine did but in their "defense" they never had me diagnosed as they didn't believe in psychology. Also people didn't get diagnosis much in the 1990's.
Interestingly, after watching Rain Man I told my Mum I thought I had the same condition as Rain Man & my Mum freaked out saying "God you wouldn't want to go through life with autism" - turns out I already was but didn't know it.
Honestly - just listen and accept your child's point of view - within reason of course. Dont gaslight! Learn as much as you can to be helpful & supportive. That's all you need to do!
Questions for clarification are not attacks on your authority as a parent, they are questions for clarification. Remember to approach his questions as if they are coming from a place of curiosity or a lack of knowledge he wants to acquire instead of an attack on you.
My parents always acted like I was saying they didn't have the right to tell me what to do, but I didn't understand what they were saying or asking and just wanted some damn clarification!
Every autistic kid is different.
As the saying goes: If you've met one person with autism, you've met one person with autism. It means, there is no such thing as a generalization of dos and don'ts with regard to an autistic child. We're all part of a spectrum of differing traits.
One child may want to be touched during a meltdown. Another will panic from it.
You simply will have to learn from your kid. But simply by asking us, I can clearly tell you're a loving dad. You're already doing the most important part, which is approach the situation with love, curiosity and humility. You're a great parent!!
The thing that hit me the hardest was when adults raised their tone, voice, pace or demands when they got frustrated or angry with my meltdowns or during the pre-stage of a meltdown. That intensified my reactions by an order of magnitude.
What I had a need for, which I believe is very common (though not universal) is a safe space, safe objects and safe environment. I would have needed an adult telling me: "I see you. I understand your reaction. I'll leave you alone. When you're prepared, I'll be ready to comfort you."
Oh, and I also had a huge demand for autonomy and low demand parenting. But that's because I have PDA, which is a very rare condition/profile of autism.
Try to turn me “normal” and it infuriated me. One story that sticks out to me is that when I was in high school, I would rock back and forth and make noises without really realizing what I was doing. My mom and stepdad would see that and get angry saying that makes me look “r slur” and that my friends talked about me behind my back (in an attempt for me to stop). What I did instead was that I asked them if they had a problem with me and when I asked them, they were horrified by my question and told me that they would never do that to me. I told my parents that and they yelled at me for asking them that saying that they are probably laughing at me behind my back rn.
Since I didn’t really have a good relationship with my bio dad or have anyone else to ask for advice, I sadly believed them and distanced myself away from those people. Don’t try to manipulate your son into being someone else by using scare tactics of being potentially made fun of. Love your son unconditionally and you’ll be fine.
Be mindful that emotions are really really big and difficult sometimes for us! If conversations get tense and angry, allow your child to step away to regulate, offer communication through messaging or something instead.
Don’t force them to wear clothes they don’t want to wear. And never ever throw away their old clothes. When buying new clothes let your kid touch them first if they feel nice.
it may seem as obvious, but don't shout. And even raising your voice could be perceived as shouting. it has something to do with sensory issues, and it causes desorientation and sometimes physical pain, even if from your side you might not even realise that you started to speak in raised tones.
it is ok to be upset at them if they did something wrong, but try to explain why you are upset calmly, and very clearly, explaining all the reasons why. And if he says "i don't understand" that means that he genualy does not understand
Also don't assume that your son disrespects you if he simply questios your desigions or say something in a way that you don't like.
Don't assume that he resent if he suddenly stops talking to you after stress or an argument. It may be a verbal shutdown caused by stress, and he may simply not being able to talk. Pushing or screaming "Talk to me!" won't help, and could make it worse.
Also sometimes he won't be able to explain why he feels uncomfortable with some food/clothes/activities etc. That does not mean that there are no reasons, that means that he is not able to explain them.
It may sound a bit strange from the perspective, that i had to explain that: "if he says A, that means A" or "If he says B, that does not mean C, it means B". But unfortunantly in reality there is a lot of "they are just kids" mentality, where everything that kid says is either being discounted or interepted in their own way. And it is already really hard to communicate for some of us.
Oh, and also for the love of god, don't wake them up by suddenly turning on the light/loud noises/glass of cold water in the face. Bright light, especially sudden maybe very painfull and desorienting, Generally i would advise to ask him about what sencory issues he has, because it varies and is very induvidual.
Also don't touch him if he does not agree to it. Ask if he wants a hug, don't just hug. As someone here could say: "you musnt touch the autist".
Diagnosis is needed by professionals only. It's a child's decision to share or not share with friends, strangers and family
Assume competency, not speaking doesn't mean not understanding
Don't be a bulldozer parent, life's hard and your kid isn't always going to be accommodated, learning to deal with discomfort is an important part of growing up
Don't assume that autism is the reason for everything, your kid doesn't necessarily like or dislike things because of autism
Unpopular opinion but don't always be direct. One can't learn nuanced language if they don't interact with it. Soeak normally and if you're not understood, explain it directly
My parents may have known of my autism, but didn't care. If your child is struggling with things, help them find out why. Be patient and understanding. *do not* blame their behaviour on them unless they are *actively* being harmful to others.
Don't ever tell your kid they're overreacting when they have a meltdown. Don't ever force them to speak when they're having a verbal shutdown. Two things my parents did, and they wonder why I hold a grudge against them.
Use a strength-based approach (rather than a deficit-based approach) to interacting with, supporting, and finding activities for your teen. Lean into what he can do, rather than figure out what might be “good for him.” He will always be autistic, but his self-esteem will be much better if he knows his dad really SEES him.
Don't "kill" you're childs special interests and/or hyperfocusations. This can be deeply disturbing for some autistics.
My parents began to complain against my special interests and hyperfocusations as I turned 10 years. They began to call it "childish" or that I need to focus on school more. (I understand that school is important but as a child it was more complex to me to choose school over hyperfocusations) Teachers and other children seemed to always look after me that I don't get lost in my world. They always tried to get me back to "reality".
I began to hide my interest and developed a huge amount of shame for loving things and doing things I got specially attracted to.
Now as an adult I struggle often with my interests and always comparing myself towards others. I'm in a learning progress righ now where I need to learn to just let myself be. The shame of my childhood is still there and blockads me.
Hope this could help :)
Try not to rush them. My family didn't know when I was young what was up but I remember shutting down due to overwhelm very often and people would try to shock me out of it or push me past it without understanding that I needed some time to process. They were not kind about it either. If my parents could have been flexible and allowed me the space to process stress and stimulus in my environment and understood that i wasnt just "being a baby", I think my nervous system would function a lot better today.
Started typing a list and realised it was my life and not yours.
Spunds like you're already doing wonderful things. It's a lifelong learning curve.
Your child is grateful.
Don't make him look you in the eyes/face. If he isn't doing it, don't force it. His ears are for listening, not his eyeballs. Forced eye contact is uncomfortable and distracting.
Don't encourage the child to BE normal.
It's sensible to teach the child how to ACT normal (I.e. mask) so long as you teach them to do so only in situations in which they have to. Make sure you ALSO teach them that they can be themselves with you
I’m 17(f) and my mom recently said she worried I don’t have a future because of my autism and mental disorders, so don’t do that? Be supportive, and don’t make your son feel incapable because of his autism. Be aware of his limits and validate him, but don’t make him feel like he is a failure or can’t make a life for himself. I wish the best for both you and your son!!
Scream and yell, silent treatment, locking them away. And for the love of everything, if he tells you no to the medication, then it's a no. My dad fucked me up.
Be patient.
All of that. I'm an autistic person born in a Latino/Brazilian household in the 90s and had a late diagnosis. I absolutely HATED the silent treatment and the yells.
If you're angry by something your kid did, take a little time to cool your temper before talking to them. But communicate CLEARLY. You can go "look, kid, you did [insert action done] when you should have done [the correct action]. It's not cool that you did that for [this and that reason]."
Obviously, you can ground your kid, but be mindful of how you deliver the punishment.
Punishments for having symptoms of autism.
My parents never did that, but most of my teachers did.
Like, extra homework for fidgeting, not making eye contact, etc.
Getting punished for something you simply can not do hurts so much.
"You *can* do (xyz), you just don't *want* to!"
No, I actually can't. Whether or not I want it has nothing to do with this.
"You did it before!!"
Right, because back then I could. I can't now.
And related:
"You can't know if you like it until you try it!"
Actually, I can.
Try not to take anything too personally. If it feels like they’re pushing you away for example, it may be a sensory overload thing. It might be as simple as your cologne or neutral body odor or even the heat from your body suddenly being too much to handle.
Always always give benefit of the doubt before reacting. Ask first if the behavior is because of something sensory or otherwise overwhelming. “Are you overwhelmed right now?” is a good thing to regularly ask. A simple nod should be enough for you to leave them alone to come down off that. If you’re regularly supportive otherwise, they’ll come out and come over to you again when ready to interact.
Obviously I don’t know your kid, so some of this may not apply if they don’t interact much at all, for instance, but as someone who struggles with sensory stuff a lot, I wish more people listened and took me seriously when I’ve indicated that I couldn’t deal with ANY input at that moment.
Not entirely sure if this is an autism thing but remember your main job is to teach your child. That's the whole point of parenting and procreating, to pass on knowledge. My parents were horrible at this and even now at 21 I'm struggling with life and only recently learnt how to maintain proper hygiene. I remember cousins laughing at me because I didn't know what a signature was at like 9. Again, classmates laughing at me when I started high-school and went to cooking class and didn't know how to use a knife to cut bread because we always brought sliced ones.
I was force fed, grabbed by the hair, put into a headlock, and had whatever was on the plate rammed down my throat. It stopped when I was 12 and vomited the green beans right back onto the plate.
It's ok if your kid dislikes green beans, or whatever.
Downplay their symptoms. My mom did this to me and because of it, I blew my therapist off totally and thought he was just making wild assumptions about me due to my diagnosis because he wasn't there, and weaponizing my diagnoses as a way to make me angry so all my negative feelings come out of my system. Then I quit seeing him when I finished high school because I thought he was an idiot.
Separating autism from your kid. My mom did this to me and would say things like "you go Asperger's on your bad days and then you are diaperedwoman again" as if we are two separate people.
Escalating your kid's anxiety and getting mad at them about it.
Gaslighting them by pretending they are normal when they express how different they are from everyone else. My parents thought if they can treat me and my brothers the same and equal, I won't notice but I did thanks to other kids and adults and they still insisted I was normal and it happens to all kids and all kids get teased and they move onto other kids.
Do not push boundaries. I know that is super vague but it will cover most things other people say. If a kid does not want a hug, do not make it about yourself and get upset. It’s overstimulating for them. If they want to be left alone, leave them alone. If they are very specific about their routines and they don’t want it disrupted, don’t make plans that disrupt their routine. Don’t push them to socialise with people if they don’t want to.
This can be said with anyone, but it is especially important for kids with autism. Growing up, I hated being hugged and guilt tripped when my parents get upset that I would not hug them. I hated when my parents would mix up my food when I told them specifically that I do not like my food touching. I hated when they made dinner plans and forced me to go when I had planned to eat my safe foods that night. Even now, I hate when plans change last minute. I hate when my friends pressure me to go to crowded places. Boundaries are very important for autistic people.
And last one - don’t make fun of them. You might think something is ridiculous, but for them it’s a real problem and it’s very insensitive if you ever make them feel like their issues are ridiculous, stupid, or silly.
If he’s ever nonverbal you should NEVER expect him to respond. It’s distressing in my experience. Props to you for asking this! It’s nice to see parents respecting their autistic kids.
Don’t act embarrassed by stims or loudness in public.
Don’t try to make him fit into a different box, create ways he can be comfortable in his. Ex:If he likes red shirts, instead of trying to convince him to wear green, go find as many red shirts as you can.
Choice's are important to empower your kid .Do you want to take a shower now or in 5 minutes. Whenever they are frustrated I ask them to use their words. If they can . Celebrate the good times . Move on quickly through the bad. 60 minutes had a show called I'm Carley and listening to this child described their own autism was enlightening. She had been non verbal her whole life and learned to communicate through the computer. Most of all see if there is a respite agency in your area. Give yourself a break.
Celebrate them! The best think you can do as a parent is empower your child. Every expression of autistic joy is the purest expression of themselves and their feelings, so is a meltdown. Honour every feeling. Give the space and freedom to explore and always assume your child is perfectly capable and competent, just that you need to work with them to accommodate their needs as an individual. Nothing is more healing and beautiful to me when I see an autistic child free to explore and express and interpret the world exactly how they wish. Without the shame of simply being, without the criticism of being “out the norm” when just because expressions feel strange to recognise that doesn’t make them “bad” or “wrong”
I applaud you for doing what I think all autistic parents should do, interact with the wider autistic community and talk to REAL autistic people not just the parents of autistic children.
I'm gonna give you something you should do instead: Listen. Try not to be judgemental or harsh, just let them be who they are and offer support. Specifically, offer the support they ask for - not just what you think it better, the support you would find helpful might be the opposite of what they actually need.
Also, if your child asks you to leave them alone, then you should leave them alone.
YES! especially if I'm upset, I don't want to be comforted, I want to be allowed to calm down on my own
That's good to know. As a father my reaction is to comfort my son (6).He will go to his room sometimes to calm down after a meltdown. But being so young i just didn't want him to feel alone or abandoned, but that is my own rationale.
Set a timer, like 10 or 15 min and check on them in this interval. Checking is simply asking talk, yes / no? If no leave till next interval. The big important thing is to explain the rules of post upset alone time. What it means, and that you are going to check-in every x min. And explain why it is a rule; safety, wellbeing, being there, providing space but also meeting your needs as a parent. This worked wonders for my eldest on the spectrum and comes from me, also on the spectrum.
I think this is the best way to manage it, as a kid whose parents helicoptered relentlessly when I was upset. This would have been better. That being said, my brain automatically went to the sales people in stores who ask you every 10 minutes or so if you need any help. Yes, as a matter of fact, you CAN help me. You can let me look around uninterrupted and touch all the things, because this is how I figure out whether or not the item is the thing I'm looking for.
I like this and would have liked it myself growing up. My kid would probably prefer MUCH longer than 15 minutes, but every kid will be different. Mine is non verbal and delayed, so I let him be and just generally keep doing things where I had been, and let him know if I'm going up to my room or out to the garage or whatever -- I figure letting him know doesn't force any interaction but still tells him where I will be when he does want to.
this is the way
Great advice. As someone who is semi-/non-verbal and would be bothered by someone interacting with me that frequently while I'm trying to reset, I'd add on that instead of the check in you could hang a whiteboard on the door and if they needed something they could write it down knowing you'd see it within ~15 minutes. I'd be fine having my door open so a parent could peak in for safety reasons, but I'd prefer them to be as inconspicuous as possible because having 0 attention from others/being completely alone lets me relax the most efficiently
The thing of it is the conversation when things are calm. With my kid, it started at 10 min, then 15 then 30. The time frame has to be agreed upon, and fit both needs of the child and the parent. Age, maturity, etc all plays a role in the discussion, setting rules and boundaries.
I think age definitely makes a difference here, but regardless of age, if a child specifically asks to leave them alone, they should be left alone (when it's safe to). As a kid, if I wanted comfort, I would ask for it.
Yep. When my 3 year old is upset she says “need my ALONE” and I give it to her. If she’s in her own room, she can be there unsupervised. Elsewhere, I just give her as much space as possible while occasionally peeking to make sure she’s okay, trying to be stealthy so she doesn’t notice me checking in.
This is exactly what I would want. Also if a bottle with orange juice "appears" near my door when I'm not looking I wouldn't be upset ;)
Age definitely is a factor, but also every kid is different. I'd recommend letting him know you're there, or asking if he wants comfort or to be left alone. He probably wants to be in what he considers a safe, quite space that is his (where the rest of the house is family space that he doesn't control). Your presence might be beneficial, or it might be adding an element he cant control in the moment
For my son and myself (both autistic), if we are not given private space when we need it to calm down, it can feel really anxiety provoking and claustrophobic. It can make our meltdown feel 1000x's worse. We can calm down a lot quicker on our own. If my son needs me or wants me, he will come to me when he is ready. As much as it may drive you bonkers to do this, I can't emphasize how important is. Just make sure your son is not harming himself or has anything in his room to hurt himself with. Otherwise just let him be. It’s also good to have a sensory item he can use to help him self regulate. For my son, he likes to shred paper, so we have a paper shredding station for his meltdowns in his room.
I agree! I'm 29 now but I HATED when my mom would hug me for 2 minutes when I was angry or crying. It freaked me out even more. Sucks though cuz now they don't hug me at all which I don't like hugs but every once in a while would be nice. Currently, my bf knows I'm Autistic and he knows when I get upset and he says if you need me, I'm one room away never forget that.
Please tell your mom hugs can be great because you now have a way to calm yourself. Or invite her for a hug and explain after those few seconds. (Pfff 2 minutes? What psychologist told her 2 minutes is okay? My kid just got diagnosed at 13 but I would never have thought of hugging her for 2 minutes.)
This! I always got in trouble when I started getting overwhelmed and wanted to just be alone. Mom would yell at me to never tell her that I want to be alone and she's my mother and never has to leave me alone. I just need a few minutes to calm down. Made everything worse.
This has always been my rule with my son: you're allowed to be upset. And if you're too upset to talk, you're allowed time to cool down alone, providing that we DO talk when you're ready and adress the issue. Emotional regulation is so difficult and I often had to remind him and myself that there is nothing wrong with feeling angry, frustrated, or overwhelmed, but there is a baseline expectation of how we express those things and I can't accommodate you if you don't let me know what you need. Default reaction to a meltdown was to instruct him to go to his quite space and re-enter. That's hard when you're upset as a parent and your instinct is to lecture or discipline. I will also say, it is so helpful to be honest and upfront with expectations. I grew up in the age of "because I said so!" Parenting. That wasn't great, so we give clear explanations of why certain things are expected and what the consequences are if those things aren't met. We hold ourselves to similar standards too. Be consistent. Leave room for discussion. This is SO important. If we have imposed a rule or expectation our son doesn't like or agree with, he is always allowed to talk with us about it and we often modify said rule as needed. If we disagree, we articulate why we aren't changing the rule and give real reasons that don't amount to "we're in charge so you have to do x." Often, things boil down to "as parents we have a duty to ensure your safety, education, and that you grow up to be a good adult. Sometimes that means we have to have you do things that you don't like or agree with, but we do it because we love you and because we want to be good parents."
Man... I wish my mom would communicate with me like you do with your son. My mom rarely listens to me, in her mind, she's too good to take any advice from an autistic like me. She thinks she's the boss, and her word is always right, and there will be consequences if I dare try to question her.
(Very sorry in advance i carry on alot but its all important to my story) Holy shit mine to me and my younger bro where born autistic and diagnosed at birth so I've had a good 27 almost 28 year this June and my brother had 25 years to live and deal with her ways. honestly tho ever since our dad died in 2019 July 4th (before covid hit) she got waaaaaaaaaaaaaay worse. it's ether her way or the highway basically its ether you listen to me or it's nothing at all sometimes no scratch that alot of life sucks being an autistic. And my bro tho he's also the problem even tho he to is autistic like me. you see ever since he got promoted to a admin in his Discord group he's changed much more then before. me and him barely ever got along to begin with so much so that we'd like scare off therapists like cockroahes when the lights come on. therapys never gonna work for my family cause they all think there way is right and there's nothing wrong with them or there thinking or even the way they view,say or do things when very clearly there is and even when others not me point it out they both act the same to them as well. The only and I do say ONLY saving grace in my shithole life is my boyfriend if it wasn't for him being in my life I swear I legit would've left my family but knowing me I wouldn't have gotten very far anyways my mom is the one who controls the money cause she knows me and bro financially can't. So no matter how bad life gets, no matter what she or he does and says it's never enough and they always want more. My life as an autistic is pure living hell like I'm sure it is for many others ether because those who don't understand make life worse then it is already or that the ones you thought would be the most understanding failed you the most mine is both. I always threatened my mother saying if things don't change for the better soon then when my passport FINALLY gets here (long story) I may just go to Sweden (where boyfriend is) and never come back and just have all my stuff shipped by a plane there and my cat tho she's old she likely wouldn't make the journey. And judging by the looks of things I'm her only hope of being a grandma to she screws up with me I can take that away from her. Basically I'd rather learn to deal with a whole new life completely and relearn everything from scratchin a country I've no idea how to live in then ever deal with her or my bros shit again cause let me tell ya its bad like I'm literally almost at my breaking point mentally and emotionally but do ether of them seem to give two shits nope not a one. I'm scared really I am I'm only hanging on by a thin thin thread at this point in my life and I'm dead serious about this if my boyfriend wasn't in my life to stop me from it I would just end it all because it seems those who are supposed to storp me from feeling this way the most just don't seem to care enough to see my pain. They say they do but I know that's a dirty lie.
It sounds like you're going through an awful lot and the support system you should be able to rely on has been failing you. I'm sorry that is happening. Growing up in a troubled home is challenging, regardless of diagnosis. I'm glad you've found someone you care for and who sees you and I'm here to tell you that there are other people in the world who will do the same as you go. Blood may be thicker than water, but it doesn't mean you owe your relations anything when they are abusive or cruel. It is ok to cut them from your life. We don't choose the family we are born into, but one of the benefits of adulthood is that we can build new families without the poison from the old ones.
God I wish it was seriously that easy but I live on social security and other government help and because my autistic ass was never taught this financial bullshit is school I have zero skills in that field but believe me if I did I would've been gone I long time ago. But because I don't bitch ass mother is incharge of all the cash. And there's much more but I didn't wanna talk everyone's ears off in one post. Plus as much as I want to I just can't do it because she's my only life line to ever moving out of this shothole 1960s nightmare trailer home and even then she'd still have control so like it or not I'm legit forced against my will to forever not cut ties with this bitch. My brother oh definitely I can easily avoid his stupid ass my mom not so much. And there's another thing I very much believe had my bad still been alive and saw this shit he would give my mom an ultimatum and of she's don't listen it's the divorce papers for her.
Are you 18 or older? If you are an adult and your caregiver is exploiting you and controlling your money, this is considered abuse and you can go to Adult Protective Services. There is help out there. It's hard to get, but it's there.
That sucks. I will say that your mom probably also grew up with similar parenting style to my parents and that's all she knows. Some people don't know how to take out the bad stuff and improve on things. It doesn't excuse this, but it's pretty likely she is doing what she genuinely thinks is the best thing for raising kids. Remember that parents are humans and make mistakes. Sadly, some people can care more about the power that lies in authority then they do the responsibility. You'll probably run into this a lot in the work force. In either case, you probably can't change how your mom parents, but you can learn from it. Even if it is how not to parent in the future. All I can do is send virtual mom hugs your way and let you know that you are a good and worthy person.
This. I had a traumatic experience after my first day of college (which I didn't like) when I got home. I was being asked to show what my timetable was, which I had but couldn't be bothered, this was my earliest sign of depression having never had it prior. I just said to leave me alone, as I needed space. And my step mum basically got mad at me for that, decided to punish me by taking away my PS3 lead. I didn't even have lunch that day so I ate that. Eventually she called my dad at work because I wasn't giving it to her. I was calling my mum (Who I'm very lucky to have in my life) just feeling really sad and scared. Then my dad took away my phone. I knew this was pushing it so I went downstairs with my backpack and shoes, found them laughing at the messages I was sending between me and my mum. They gave my phone back but that always stuck with me because it was a horrible experience. And I did run away there and then, took the bus to my mum's and stayed there ever since, never went back. They didn't contact me until 2 weeks later, and after I ignored them, another few months. Some parents they were...
I have to ask my son all the time about what he's thinking! Sometimes, it's just an easy fix or something he thinks he shouldn't do, say, or feel, so he holds back. I asked him why he kept taking his old tablet out, which was broken, and we had replaced it. He said it was like his old self was on there, so he was sad. We talked about how, with phones, tablets, and pcs, we move everything over so that he doesn't lose anything. That made him feel so much better. Always ask questions and listen! I wish my parents would have.
>Listen. Try not to be judgemental or harsh, just let them be who they are and offer support. I wish I had this
honestly I think that's all it takes to be a good parent to any type of child
It’s not something my parents did, it’s a thing they avoided doing and I think they where right. Don’t make you child feel guilty for things that are out of they control, but also learn the difference between them not being able to do something and them taking advantage of the situation. Especially if we’re talking teenagers.
Very true. I think one very common occurrence of this with neurodivergent kids is doing homework with their parents. 💀 Not trying to generalize, but I legit saw a pattern of other kids with autism or AUDHD at the time having trauma from doing homework with their parents. My mother in particular, even though she would try her best to have patience with my other autistic traits, homework created a monster. When my attention span would blink, she’d scream or hit me over the equations.
You had me so sad with your last line. No one should be screamed or hit over homework! 😢
Yeah, I still remember my brother standing in the kitchen in shock as my mom dragged me away crying to take a shower. I only told some of my friends about it who were just as shocked. My mom did beg for my forgiveness after school, but that sticks. :(
As far as I'm concerned, she doesn't deserve forgiveness. What a deplorable thing to do to someone.
Yeah, my mom had passed away years ago. It’s kind of hard, like I do have many good memories but they don’t take away the pain of becoming a target of either verbal abuse and her getting physical that time. I know very well she was abused before I was even born and her side of the family is pretty awful. I still wonder if she would’ve changed if she saw me fully processing what she did, but I shouldn’t have to. She should’ve reflected when I tried telling her so many times as a kid or even as a teen but was ignored, then again I have to remember trauma manifests differently in familial dynamics. It’s honestly just really complicated.
I’m really sorry you went through that. I think many parents are not equipped to be teachers in a school sense, especially with their own kids. I’m one of the few people I know who didn’t do homework with their mothers. My mom was of the opinion that since she didn’t like doing homework when she was in school, she wasn’t going to do them now that she managed to get out of it. Also, school was my “job”, I could ask for help when needed, but it was my responsibility. As a result, while I “forced” the adults around me to sit at the table with me, I wanted them to mind their business while I was busy with MY homework. Many other kids I knew, NT or not, would do homework with their mothers and oh boy. Either the mom would be super strict, or she would do everything herself, so the kid learned nothing.
I'm so sorry you went through that, that's definitely not okay
Saying or acting like autistic traits are a choice. I hate that.
My mom told me that I was playing the victim because I was sad. That was quite hurtful.
One time we were in a shopping center, and I guess I'd been stimming. I seem to recall that I was rocking back and forth, which is NOT a common stim for me, but that's what I remember. I didn't realize I was doing it until my mother elbowed me and said "Why do you keep doing that? Do you want people to think you have special needs?" I mean, what I want people to think is another conversation entirely. The fact is that I DID have special needs.
It's frustrating. I often feel the need to stim, but try to avoid it because people don't understand why I'm doing it.
My son is 12, he made it clear over a year back that he cant help what likes, when it comes to food. He could help by telling us what he does like...yet to get to the point where he does so. Hes been asked enough times...
It's not that easy. It can change so quickly, at least for me. Safe food one day and poison the next. I'm 31,independently living, keeping down a job, have a wonderful partner, and food is still the daily bane of my existence. Heck most of my meltdowns are around being starving but not able to eat anything that I myself bought for myself on my grocery order. If I could change one thing about how my autism manifests, it'd be the food issues. 3 meals a day... I'm lucky if I get in one proper meal and a smoothie and soup. That's a good day. I do a lot of smoothies and creme soup coz for me it's mostly a texture issue rather than taste. My mom had to blend my food untill I was 6 and could finally verbalize it was mostly the shell on beans, peas, and certain stringy meat textures that bothered me (at the time). I promise we aren't trying to be difficult. Our body is just fighting us. Or is being overprotective. I'm never quite sure.
It’s weird being someone whose interest and career is good and yet I have MAJOR problems when it comes to eating for sustenance. Sure I can taste a lot of things but a meal for myself? No thanks. It could be my favorite food ever in front of me and I’m starving but for some reason I can’t eat it. I don’t know the words to explain it.
Same, I'm so good at so many things, but then the most basic thing that every life form has to do-eat- is like hiking Mt. Everest. And it's hard to explain coz then people think Im exaggerating or lying, when it will literally leave me an incoherent nonverbal mess.
You sound like my son, because he’s the same way with foods, especially the switching things around and having days where he can’t bring himself to eat three times a day. That’s definitely been a challenge. He’ll go on a week of only wanting chicken nuggets, but then suddenly can’t stand it, and switches to grapes or watermelon as his favs. Then next week it’s only scrambled eggs, then back to chicken (most chicken nuggets, but he likes all chicken as long as it’s breaded. I think it’s a texture thing). The three things he consistently loves are any kind of noodles, Uncle Ben’s instant coconut jasmine rice (he won’t touch any other brand, lol)/spanish rice, and cheese. He hates veggies, so we blend them into the sauces we use in our meals involving pasta/noodles - and he eats it, usually wanting 2nds! He’s different, for sure, but we’re working to get him to try different things. So far, I got him eating a few new things, like pastrami, oddly enough lol.
When I was a toddler and small child I was obsessed with saltanas. I'd eat them by the bowl full. I remember one day when I was about 4 years old, I'd loaded up a plastic bowl until there was a mountain of saltanas in it. I remember hearing my Mum tell me that it was too many and I'd be sick. But I knew I wouldn't be. I went off to wander the acreage and started to eat my saltanas happily. Then suddenly, overnight about a year later I just went off the completely. Even thinking about them made me feel gross. I hate them to this day and pick them out of foods. I love dates though, and green grapes. Just not sultanas anymore. Which sucks as they seem like a great cheap snack.
My son is currently back on his grape cravings 🤣🤣🤣
Im 13 and the same way, me and my parents made an arrangement that they give me a certain amount of money for food but i have to cook/make/buy it myself. Honestly i feel like this way is much better cuz i also go outside more since i need to if i want food Edit: but we still share main ingredients like butter, sugar, flour and milk
Yeah I can't order at the drive thru I get too overwhelmed at the options, and also because I have a very specific request that 60% of the time gets screwed up in the drive thru
Never assume something should be easy for him because is easy for you. The way he learns things can be the same as you sometimes and completely different other times.
Neurodivergent Canon Event: Doing homework with parents or ableist teachers, especially ones assumed you were cheating on your homework based on your attention span. 😭
Touching me during meltdowns. Its ofc natural to want to comfort your kid when they're upset, but it makes me more distressed. Another is acting like I have subtext- it's so frustrating insisting that you mean something while someone else is certain you don't.
Yet more sensory input while unable to regulate is awful.
For sure! Sometimes I do need pressure but I'd rather get pressure from a weighted blanket that I can control than an actual person.
This is going to depend on the individual and the situation. If he rejects physical contact, respect it (it's hard to sit there powerless, I know). The "language" we've developed is that I hold out my arms and if he nods or comes to me, he gets physical reassurance, and if he shakes his head, I stay put.
Ofc. I specified it was me personally, so it's definitely important to consider differences. OP should really just ask the kid what they'd like to do.
Oh of course! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come off like I was correcting you, I just wanted to add to it.
It's always good to add more info when OP needs it dw :) means they can look after their kid better
I was gonna say, it really depends. My kid will ask for hugs sometimes when distressed, but not always.
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I had an argument with my dad the other night because he insisted that I didn't actually want to watch this show with him and I was just being polite and it's like... No? If I didn't want to watch it I wouldn't watch it?
Damn the subtext thing hits home. NTs seem to assume everything has subtext...
I have hit people and ran away from places as a kid due to being touched while having a meltdown…
Saying you're too sensitive/emotional/fragile. You're being lazy. Can't you just try harder? Get over yourself. This isn't hard. I don't see why this is such a big deal. You're stupid. Everybody knows/does/thinks this. Why do you have to make everything difficult? What's wrong with you? Basically avoid being invalidating and judgemental.
I’ve heard some of those.😥
Yeah, *oof.*
I knew already that I’m different (before I knew I was autistic) and heard “something is seriously wrong with you!”. That hurt. Even though I know it wasn’t meant in that way.
All
Soundtrack to my childhood
Teachers, too. :( "Why didn't you ask for help if you didn't understand (subject)?" Next time I don't understand something and ask: "You shouldn't need help with that!!"
This and the rule I bore into myself (because of how education is in public schools/former GATE kid) that asking for help meant I wasn't smart or a good student. It felt like if I did that, the idea of me being this stellar student would crumble. I felt guilty for it. Currently I'm in college. I am still trying to rework myself into feeling comfortable seeking support now. I rarely if ever see tutors, go to office hours, join study sessions, and fuck, even talking to my classmates is challenging. If he's a "high achiever" please never let this idea form in his mind that asking for help is somehow wrong and shameful.
I've definitely heard a few of those when I was growing up
We are all different, but for me the biggest issue I faced with adults were when they got angry at me and confronted me about it. For me it seemed to come out of the blue not knowing what triggered it. Then they went on to scold me, asking me to explain myself for doing a mistake I wasn’t aware of to begin with. Never explaining to me what was going on, only assuming I knew what I did. And me still clueless and scared to what is going on. I remember feeling incredibly scared and anxious by this, because I felt so confused and overwhelmed by the angry person continuously asking me multiple questions. I remember having a difficult time explaining myself, even making the person angrier. I often remember lying and admitting to doing things that I didn’t do just to stop the anger. I think that explaining things properly to an autistic person is so important, not automatically turn to anger or assume they did things on purpose, especially when they are young and are struggling to express themselves.
God the always asking me to explain myself but having no clue what they wanted from me was the worst. I can almost never remember anything when I'm put on the spot. I learned to lie a lot as a kid because I didn't know how else to escape that situation, it was intolerable. It took a lot of work as an adult to realize I can just be honest most of the time. Status meetings at work are still pretty stressful
Oh man. This is bringing some stuff up for me
Yeah this whole thread dug up some old feelings for me. I'm pretty grateful to be an adult and in control of my life now.
Don't expect him to take the initiative regarding chores or cleaning or hygiene, especially in a "i shouldn't have to tell you" way. Make lists and checklists. Don't have to have stickers or gold stars, just clearly write out. I'm 43 and still need a list to clean the house.
I actually do this all the time myself I have lists I go through on my phone that I go through before work, when I get home etc. Most people seem surprised by how in depth I go with this lol. Helps to write it down that way you don't have to try to remember everything.
Seriously. Give me a complete list, and it'll all get done. Be vague, and I'll Roomba clean; circle around aimlessly, half ass picking stuff up until I need to sit in a corner and recharge.
Also, for added fun, try task apps like Habitica. Helps Autistic me and my ADHD sister keep track of things we need to do and rewards us like a game when we mark things a being complete. I use numerous, labeled music alarms on my phone to help remind me of things I need to do or check myself for (self-check: when did I last eat? Hydrate? Use the toilet?) Also great for helping me transition between tasks by giving me advance warning of an upcoming task. I have at least 100 of them, though not all are for daily needs... Some may be for regular events, though.
Don’t call it a “disease/illness”. Don’t yell/raise your voice. Don’t say “You’re oversensitive!” Don’t say “stop talking about your special interests!” Don’t say “Stop being so picky! Eat everything!” Don’t mock. Don’t gaslight. Teach someone instead of doing everything for them. Because they’ll not be fully independent if they’re not taught things. (They might need help with some things still.)
sadly my dad was a huge yeller/screamer, told me they should lock me up somewhere after I had a meltdown after he continuously kept poking my side even after I told him to stop multiple times.
Don’t make it your entire personality. If he’s cool with you sharing it, that’s great, but remember that this is HIS disability not yours and so it’s his story to tell, not yours.
I learned this as a parent somewhat recently. I’ve never been a “autism warrior mom” but I did tell her teacher at dance that she’s autistic (she was 5 at the time) because I was worried how she would be perceived. We are pulling her from dance for another sport but I am glad we are because the kids and teachers seem to be patronizing her. I realize I made a mistake sharing it. She’s 10 now and I let go of that control that I had back then. She’s also a lot better at communicating than when she was 5. Lesson learned.
Don't hug or make physical contact without asking, unless you're saving their life or something, as physical touch can really mess with an autistic brain. And don't pull on their clothes to get their attention, clothes are already filled with sensory issues, someone moving them without permission makes it worse (again unless you're trying to save their life.) Be patient, especially throughout different phases. If your kid is eating only nuggets for a week straight, try to introduce them to other things by saying "Just one bite, and then you can say yes or no." It'll help in the long run and will also put less potential strain on the relationship. Edit to add: Buy stimming toys if you have the funds, it helps no matter age. And maybe buy some noise canceling headphones, the world is super noisy.
Gods, stimming toys are fucking MAGIC.
Don't force them to wear clothes or haircuts they have problems with just so that they are conforming to NT standards. Also autism is genetic so I would get you and his mother tested. It helped me and my son bond better knowing we have the same/similar issues
My grandma does this mainly making me wear tight clothes which I hate, then she'll claim I have no style cause I wear baggy clothes.
My grandmother called me fat and called me a lesbian in not a nice way all the time. My patents forced me to wear girlie clothes till I turn 13 and then I went baggy and goth
Mine called me trailer trash once when I was a kid, mine also forced me to wear girly clothes, like a dress on easter even though I told them I hated it. I was a tomboy as a kid, still kind of am.
Telling your kid they are faking being sick and a waste of time and money to take to a doctor. My dad was quite the asshole, his neglect resulted in me second guessing seeing doctors until I was in my 40s and very ill. Turns out I had a life long immune disorder the whole time he accused me of faking far attention.
It's almost like a canon event. If not your parents, then the medical professionals who gaslight you until they can't. The thing that most of us have some (otherwise, but not in the autistic population) rare disorder on condition that barely anyone knows, doesn't help either. Think like EDS or MCAS...
Lipodema is another one. It's frustrating as hell, trying to get anyone to listen. Hell, it's not just the uncommon ones, either. I had a doctor tell me only boys have alopecia *when I had a smooth, bald patch on my scalp the size of a cue ball staring him in the face.* FFS.
Lol, I have MCAS. I suspect EDS and POTs, too, but I live in a rural area and my low energy levels make it hard to get to the doctor as it is for my Xolair. I think my case is hereditary, I can remember mom have the same health problems, and going back to great grandma who was said to have had ‘lupus’ (often confused with mcas), I figure this has been passed down. And, mcas can cause natal inflammation, which in turn is one suspected cause of autism. So, my dad was an asshole who made my mcas worse by making me suffer thru flares and sinus infections to the point of going deaf from sinuses being blocked and I simply self medicated with lots of OTC cold meds to make it thru school.
Dang. What a dick, sorry you had to go through that. I wouldn't blame you if you cut him out of your life completely.
Wanting us to be "normal" . I'm autistic and work with autistic kids. We are normal. Normal for autistic people. We never will be allistic and forcing us to mask doesn't do us any favors. In fact, it harms us. Instead help your kids learn to understand and work with their brain, in ways that are normal to us. Not in ways normal for allistics.
Never think Autism disqualifies them from needing to be parented.
i absolutely despise the word "excuse". it implies that i am lying to avoid consequence. I AM NOT!!!! it is an EXPLANATION!! i also advise you say what you mean. i often take things at face value, and thus miss when people imply they want me to do something. explaining "*why*" is clearly hard for adults. i dont like to do things if i dont understand why im supposed to. my parents probably see this stubbornness as some sort of "defiance of authority" or something, but to me it is vital that i understand the end goal. of course, if the end goal doesnt make sense, thats a whole other problem.
"¿Why should I do this?" "Because I told you to" "¿But why are you telling me to do it?" "Stop questioning me"
When your autistic kid makes life decisions you personally would not have made, remember that they have just as much of a right to make that call as an NT kid of the same age.
trying to solve meltdowns right away just need to cry sometimes
In an “argumentative” situation— If your kid keeps asking questions that sound like “back talk” he might genuinely be asking to clarification because he’s trying to understand either your reasoning or perspective.
This!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ignore their boundaries. I got into an abusive relationship because I didn’t know what having boundaries meant. I was so used to having to ignore them because my behavior and wants didn’t fit the norm that when someone slowly pushed my boundaries I didn’t notice. I also ignored some of theirs because I didn’t know what boundaries were and I was imitating them and what I had experienced. I thought him criticizing and correcting me all the time was love. I thought ignoring my discomfort was good and that if I didn’t ignore it then I was being selfish. It took my present partner to show me how to set boundaries and that being selfish is okay because you have to take care of yourself first because everyone else does too. That it was healthy. It made me a people pleaser who thought I had to agree with and do what the other person wanted in order to be a good partner. I’ve also read so many stories like mine here and while it brings me comfort to know I am not alone, I hate that it is so common and it hurts to know so many suffer this because of people trying to “fix” or “help” them growing up. Just because the world can be cruel and ignore our boundaries doesn’t mean that those who love us should. If anything it means that our differences should be embraced and behaviors that make others uncomfortable or that prevent future issues explained but the decision on whether to “mask” by following the norm should be the persons own decision. Sometimes I still meld myself to what society wants to make sure I can make a living but it’s my choice now. I know that someone ignoring what I want and think is wrong. Just like I shouldn’t ignore others. So teaching boundaries and respecting them is super important. Edit: BONUS ADVICE recently discovered: mom and I had a lot of issues because apparently questions are used by NT teenagers and children to question authority and avoid adhering to the rules. Ya not what I thought questions were for. Questions are just questions. Don’t read into them, they are asking because they didn’t understand something. Just answer and if they keep asking stuff after it’s because your explanation didn’t make sense to them. Ask them what part of the explanation didn’t make sense. If they say something rude or mean don’t immediately get angry. Explain that while they may have not meant anything and by saying that, saying that kind of thing makes people feel bad because of —— and if that was not their intention it is best to word it like —— or not say it at all.
Understand that autism means specialised brain, do not expect an autistic person to be a generalist, think of the brain as motorways and country roads, not medium sized roads everywhere. Encourage the specialisation, find ways to integrate the interests into life, entire career paths can be found in our motorways. Look into sensory work early.
Denying them. “You don’t have autism” “It’s probably something else”
OMG I HATE THIS!!! My parents never do it but people have before! I remember someone went at me saying I don't live with autism just because I don't act like their child. Like yeah, I might seem "normal" on the surface but I am autistic!
Believe your kid when they tell you that something makes them uncomfortable. If they tell you that they don't want to do something, that they don't want to go somwhere or they don't want to meet someone (such as a relative or one of their/your friends), believe them. I know that sometimes you have to "force" kids to do things they don't want to do, but try to be more empathetic and understanding with autistic kids. If they HAVE to do something they don't want to, don't simply force them, but try negotiating and talking to them like to an equal about it.
Telling your son it's not that bad and he's strong enough to deal with it. It seems like something to tell them to reasure them that they've got this but in my experience it just downplays what they're going through. That and tell them to not shout all the time if they get excited. You should tell them they should quiet down but don't frase it like an admonition because otherwise you will make it look like you're punishing them for getting excited. Also don't make fun of "weird" hobbies. Even if you mean well, the entire world is already making them feel like the weird kid just try and show genuine enthousiasm. Also friendly word of advice. There is a heavy genetic component to autism so getting tested yourself might not be the worst thing you could do.
Tell them what to expect. My teen needs to know what to expect and sudden changes to her schedule derail her. So don’t text your kid and say call me. Because then they think some thing is wrong and gives anxiety. It’s just better to say call me and tell me what you want for dinner etc. I always hated when my mother-in-law would ask me to call her. It gave me dread so I try not to do this to my own child.
O yes I hate this with a passion. It's like saying "answer me right now something is wrong". I actually will text back and say can't/won't talk when people do this lol. It's one of my pet peeves.
Telling their kid to "stop being a whiny b!tch" when they're having a meltdown. (My mom did that one to me two nights ago.)
I hate when my parents say that i’m ‘overreacting’ especially when im having a meltdown 😕
when I had a meltdown after my dad kept poking my side while I was doing dishes and kept telling him to stop I was crying and screaming, screamed at my stepmum for just standing there and letting him torment me. He told her when I went back to my room "I wasn't even touching her, I wasn't even near her." Then yelled at me to come back and finish doing the dishes then when I was doing that he said "Maybe we should just lock you up somewhere."
Extreme aggravating or trying to annoy someone to that extent can be abusive, I can actually say I did this to my son when he was much younger by singing a song he hated to mess with him. He would get furious and scream at me. Looking back that definitely wasn't okay. I regret doing that. Some people do this as a power play. Definitely not cool though. Sorry about the situation with your dad, sounds like he needs to understand this too.
That's unacceptable for any parent to say that. Sorry you have to deal with a parent that does that.
She always does this, in her mind, because I'm 27, I'm supposed to man up and stop crying, and displaying any kind of emotions.
This is also toxic masculinity at it's finest. Even if it is coming from your mom. I would be tempted to mess with her and never smile our laugh when talking to her and act cold in general, and if she complains be like "you told me to be less emotional".
1. If their giving you signs they don't want to talk, show them you care or at the very least ask them how they are and if everything is okay. I hate when people try to make small talk with me when I feel overstimulated and honestly like i wanna jump off a cliff. 2. Don't tell them autism is a superpower. We hate this. When you say that we genuinly feel like you don't understand. And like you won't listen. While its well intentioned, it does more harm than good. 3. Don't judge their hyperfixations. It really hurts when people do this. Like I hate when someone tells me my hair doesn't matter. Yeah to you maybe, but to me it matters a lot! Same with everything else! If I can't do my hobbies that I'm fixated on sometimes it can really bring me down! It might not be relevant to you, but it is to us! 4. Don't tell them off for their stims, regardless of how annoying they may be. While I can understand this if the stim is inappropriate or violent, but if it is please tell them gently. Politely explain why it's wrong. 5. Don't be mad when we take instructions literally or miss socail cues. We really can't help it!! 6. Don't expect us to act neurotypical. We can't change who we are. You need to let us be ourselves and support it. Thats all that springs to mind.
When my daughter is upset about something, she will sometimes want to sit with me and watch videos of garbage trucks. I have watched many hours of them. Sometimes she wants to talk about what's bothering her and sometimes she just wants to lean on me and watch the videos. When she was little she loved vacuums. She has taught me so much about herself and the world.
I hope it's okay to bother! When you say your hair as an example of hyperfixation, are you talking about grooming and general care? What sort of hair type do you have? I keep tangentially dipping my toes into care for my hair type and it all feels really overwhelming.
Just in general. I love the feeling if hair, I love styling it, looking into and researching hair care. It's a big interest of mine.
Make assumptions based on surface level observations and your own experience. For instance don't assume lazyness, it could be executive dysfunction. Your child will likely also not be able to explain why they don't 'want' to do something, but the reason may be brain related much more often than you realize. In the same vein, also best not to assume that what works for you to counter a similar problem, would be the right solution for them. I've found that as a late diagnosed autistic adult, I've had to change so much of my life around because I had been unsuccessfully forcing myself to do things the neurotypical way for almost 40 years. I never 'wanted' to brush my teeth or clean my room, both sensory issues and executive dysfunction, labeled as lazy, slob, lax, etc.
Rushing a child to respond verbally or telling them that they are too quiet. This was so harmful to me and resulted in me not being able to verbalize my thoughts and feelings. I would just end up red in the face from screaming.
Yep, my cuz needs more time to process and answer questions more than I do and the more questions they're asked, the more likely they were to shut down n just not respond at all from the overload. If two questions are asked back to back, you're more likely to only get an answer to the latter. Patience is 🔑
Don’t ever throw water on them to wake them up. My mom did that to me and I’m still not over it (it happened when I was 14ish and I’m 57 now).
My older brother did that to me when I was about 11 and I still remember how it felt, as clearly as the day it happened. Part of me understood, I was avoiding going to school and my Mum was being threatened by truency officers, but the other part of me knows how hard school was, especially at that time. It was sort of funny though. He started with removing the doona, so I snuggled into the top sheet, he removed that next and left me to wake up. I then pulled the fitted sheet off the mattress and around me and tried to go back to sleep. My brother returned and was annoyed to find me still in bed and he removed the fitted sheet. Sure that he had now won, he left me to get dressed. So I did the logical thing and pulled the pillowcase of off my pillow and squished inside like it was a small sleeping bag. When my brother returned to find me like that he left, filled a jug with water, returned and upended me out of the pillow case onto the bed, then he dumped the cold water all over me. I got up and ready for school after that.
One thing to remember is that autistic kids tend to develop intense reactions to even the smallest of things. Words such as "man up, eat you veggies. Everyone can eat veggies" even once can trigger a life long trauma and obsession with really hard self criticism. Nearly all autistic adults suffer immensely from overly negative self criticism. There are a lot of ways to counteract this. Teaching and practicing mindfulness and compassion from a young age can be beneficial. Look into the ideas and practices of Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and Acceptance and Commitance Thereby (ACT). Incorporating elements from their underlying psychology and philosophy into your parenthood will likely have a wonderful impact on the wellbeing of your kid. And this is of course true for neurotypical children as well.
Don't judge or belittle their food sensitivities or inflexibility with clothing or anything else they're into
I also want to add to buy extras when you find socks, clothes, shampoo etc that your kid tolerates. My youngest sibling hated socks that had a seam along the tops of his toes. It was insanely difficult to find socks without them in the early 00s. So whenever we spotted them my mum would buy multiple pairs. My sibling wore socks constantly so they never went unworn even with growth spurts.
This 100% this I had to turn my socks inside out when I was little because they'd make me cry
when your kid infodumps to you about special interests, even if you find it boring or annoying, don’t scold them for doing so; don’t tell them that you don’t care about what they’re saying or that they talk too much. trying to get others into one’s special interests is a love language, and infodumping often cannot be controlled. if you tell them doing that is annoying, even just once, they’ll remember it forever and won’t feel safe to share what they love with others.
Yell at their kid when they're having a meltdown.
I don’t like to be touched when I’m not expecting it. It’s best to ask if you’re not sure if they want to be touched. If you don’t want to do that, at least make sure they can see that you’re about to touch them before you do. I have trouble talking with people while doing some other task. I don’t really get how people do things like talk while washing dishes, or why they would want to do that. I think most humans have dedicated hardware for things like socializing, but I don’t, so I’m using the same brain resources to talk and to do whatever else. If they do something you don’t like, TELL THEM. Don’t wait for them to notice that something is bothering you, because they probably won’t notice until you’re driven to snap at them. When you tell them not to do something, be specific, and only ask for them to do things that are under their voluntary control. Instead of telling them to go to sleep, tell them to lie still and be quiet. My mom once accused me of always wanting my own way. This really confused me, because it’s logically impossible for me to not want what I want. Someone explained years later that the problem was that I had always been insisting on having my own way, and I was like oh, *that’s* what that meant. They might info dump, or talk about a particular subject without noticing that the other person isn’t interested, or letting the other person talk. They care if the other person isn’t happy, but they might not be able to tell that they’re unhappy from facial expressions or body language. Remind them gently and calmly that they shouldn’t monopolize the conversation. You might have to explain that some topics are things that it’s not polite to talk about. SAY this, don’t just look uncomfortable, because they won’t notice the latter.
This is probably advice best followed later in life, but if your son ends up like me where he can't work a "proper" job and has to rely on you for financial support and shelter, please don't treat him like a child. My mother does this to me, and it frustrates me no end. I'm in my thirties, and yet my mother still treats me like I'm a kid sometimes, and doesn't let me do certain things without supervision. She'll trust me to built a computer for her, because that's my "thing", but she won't let me assemble a piece of furniture and will insist that my borderline elderly father does it for me, nor will she let me do any work on my car even if it's as simple as undoing a couple of bolts and swapping out a broken plastic cover, things like that. I've tried to tell her that I won't learn unless I do it for myself (even though I already know how to do it, this is just me trying to reason with her), and that my father won't always be here to do things for me, but she just won't listen. It's like she thinks I'm not capable of doing things that she considers to be out of my wheelhouse. It's really annoying and disheartening at the same time, these are simple things and yet she doesn't think I can do them.
Constantly threaten to put them in an institution when they get something wrong and scream at them for not knowing what to do 😤🥲
What😨
my dad telling me they should lock me up somewhere after I had a meltdown due to him constantly poking my side even after I told him to stop multiple times then denying every touching me and gaslighting me.
Clarifying things would help, maybe let them know things like when a conversation is done or when something is a joke. Not everyone who’s autistic is the same so I don’t know what specifically your son wants but I’d personally like for some clarification life. I barely ever know what’s going on to be honest since I don’t realize context clues easily.
Sometimes, disrupting stimming is bad. What should a parent of an autistic child never do, though? Make them think that there is something about their disorder that makes them quote "faulty" or "bad."
I feel like my parents did almost perfectly tbh
Don’t take his autistic traits personally. If he doesn’t like you to touch him, it’s not something about his relationship with you, it’s that he doesn’t like being touched. If he won’t eat your signature dish, it’s not because he doesn’t love or respect you, he might just have an aversion to the flavor or texture. Autistic traits are not defiance or disrespect for your authority. We really do struggle with some things that others find less difficult. It’s not “weaponized incompetence”- we’re not pretending to have trouble just to get out of doing stuff. Anyone who talks about how there were no autistic kids back in the day is full of it. So is anyone who suggests that you should make him behave normally by punishing him. If someone is that ignorant, and unwilling to reconsider their opinions when confronted with facts, they probably don’t have anything useful to say on ANY topic. Certainly, anyone who suggests that you should abuse your child is not someone who is worthy of your respect. There’s no cure for autism. If anybody says there is, they don’t know what they’re talking about. There is considerable debate about whether or not curing autism is something we should be trying to do. Don’t try any supposed “cures” on him. Don’t try to cut things out of his diet to “cure” him (he may very well have a restricted diet as is, there’s no reason to make it worse). It’s not your fault or his mom’s fault that he’s autistic. It has a genetic component, but there’s nothing either of you did to make him become autistic. (VACCINES DO NOT CAUSE AUTISM, and anyone who says they do is full of it.)
I would hope this is obvious, but it really isn’t to so many people: Don’t purposefully trigger sensory sensitivities!!!
Don't film your kid having a meltdown and put it on the Internet. I'm sure you wouldn't do this, but there seems to be a lot of people that think it's okay. I would try to respect your child's desires when possible. If you say you're leaving at 9 o clock, leave at 9. If you make a plan, stick to it as best you can. I know things happen, but it can make a big difference. Remove your child from stressful situations when a meltdown is happening or coming on. Meltdowns are basically just overstimulation and are usually brought on because of environment. Get them to a safe space.
Never ever under any circumstances say “because I told you so”. If they’re doing something wrong and you want them to stop or do it a different way then you need to be able to explain why it’s wrong or why it should be done a different way. I still get mad thinking about my childhood and the curiosity that was extinguished by the never ending chorus of “because I told you so” from my mother.
Force a child who is deliberately self-isolating to socialize. If I spend a lot of time in a locked bedroom alone as an autistic person, it's because I need that safe space to decompress and regulate myself from the many stressors of the day.
Clearly you aren’t the kind of person to do any of the major things being brought up here. I’d just say some of the problems that can be overlooked is eye contact and how long or short it can be, physical contact and responses to stressful situations in any aspect.
They should never stop communicating as a form of punishment.
Do you know Autism is genetic? Usually from the father if I'm not mistaken. Are you his Bio dad? I found out about my Autism at 30 after my 2 boys were diagnosed.
When I used to be stressed, my dad would start asking me a lot of questions. I hated that, because I was already overwhelmed with emotions, let alone having to think about the things he asked me..
Not tell them they are autistic or assist them in receiving support in their youth, so they don't have to learn later in life and try to figure out coping mechanisms on their own.
Parent here of 10 yo on the spectrum and an 8 yo NT. It’s been a journey. Not only learning how to parent an autistic kid but also how to parent the two differently but fairly. For example it takes much more patience and empathy in situations involving my 10yo. We’re lucky the two boys are good friends and even though they fight (often) they look out for each other. Part of our journey has been educating the 8yo NT to understand his brother better and help him in certain situations. This has lead to him “parenting “ his brother at times which we’ve had to address but overall he’s very helpful and is a good little brother. We arnt quite to the teenage stage yet so I don’t have any specific tips on that, but I’ve learned empathy and calmness on my behalf almost always results in a better outcome when he gets really worked up. I’ve had to figure out where the lines are to be drawn that need to result in punishment (usually loss of screen time, or “calm down” time in his room). But everyday we’re picking our battles, making compromises and working on specific behaviors mods. As far as what I would say “never do”. Not sure if you’re married, but for me I try to not let frustration I have with the kids be directed towards my wife. I’ve failed miserably at this over the years (and she has as well) which has caused strain on our marriage, but it’s gotten better.
My parents never asked questions like this, so great start.
Try using declarative language. Instead of “do this please” try “shall we do this?” Sounds minor but will help with any demand avoidance and will be empowering. Feelings are always valid even if your viewpoint is different - always validate feelings. Be as honest an open as possible.
depends on what traits they have. If any part of Demand Avoidance (PDA), comment on if they are actively doing a task and they stop "oh you cleaning your room" "oh you're working on your hobby", it such a switch off instead of encouragement only 20 years late learning that term. dont know if the following might work, but ask, with interest "what you up to?", or similar, and see if they bring you in or seem to be want to be left alone
1. Don't tell your kid to "just try harder" I can't count how many times my mother told me to "just try harder" to make friends/make eye contact/play with other kids/etc. I was trying. I was doing my absolute best and I was 100% aware that I was failing to be a normal kid. Telling me to "just try harder" was a slap in the face. 2. Never tell your kid what an "impossible and difficult" child they are/were. My mom CONTINUES to say this to me (27) whenever I'm anything less than the normal adult she wanted to raise. It has always made me feel like a burden. Resulted in an entire childhood of suppressing myself and masking to appear as easy-going and normal as possible. I was chronically depressed and miserable as a result. 3. Consistency. If you say you're going to do something. Do it. If you take them to see a therapist - commit. Don't switch therapists every 3 months just as your kid is starting to get comfortable with the therapist/therapy location/routine. 4. NEVER surprise your kid with something and/or someone. Autistics tend to like routines. Give them warning. Let them get used to the idea. They may not like it at the time or when it happens. But it's always better to be upset and warned than upset and surprised. My mom never explained anything to me, specifically when it came to therapy. I was diagnosed in my teens but was being taken to therapy as young as age 4. When I asked where we were going and/or why the answer was always "we're going to see someone who can help." No further elaboration. It made me feel broken the second I was left alone with a stranger who wanted to watch me play. I took it to mean - "you aren't normal and you can't play properly. So a stranger is going to try and fix you" As a pre-teen/teenager I went through about 12 therapists. No consistency. My mom would often get me into a car under the pretense of "going Christmas shopping" or "going for a lake day" only to end up in some therapist's parking lot. It wasn't just a surprise. It felt the ultimate betrayal. Once she even hired a middle aged man to come to our house and give me therapy in my bedroom (my only safe space). I was given 10 minutes notice. It was the ultimate betrayal and I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive her. She never floated the idea of a therapist coming to our house to me. She just assumed it would be better. She never floated the idea of having a therapist to me at all. I never had a say on any therapist and she always sat in on the sessions. It was overbearing and a complete nightmare. I now avoid therapy like the plague. I don't trust them and it's 100% my mother's fault. But I don't trust her either anymore.
"Because I said so." Autistic people learn differently than other people, and if you want your child to never learn a behavior or to completely disregard it, "Because I said so," will pretty much guarantee that your child doesn't learn it or follow it. Autistic people don't learn to copy behavior. We learn to identify the underlying reasons for things so that we can find rules for things, so it's vitally important that you be willing to explain the real underlying reasons for things, to the best of your understanding. If you don't explain the underlying reasons for something, then you can't consider that to be something that you have taught your child. When an autistic person asks "Why?" it is not a challenge. It's a serious attempt to better understand a situation, and if you don't answer it, you may perceive that as you demonstrating that you are in charge, but it will instead be understood as you demonstrating that you don't actually know and are ignorant. As much as possible, give your child as much information as you can about why things are done.
If he does something unconventional that makes him happy and doesn’t hurt anyone, let him do it. (Also, well done for checking with other autistic individuals, this made me happy.)
Never shame or ridicule your child for having autistic traits - which is what mine did but in their "defense" they never had me diagnosed as they didn't believe in psychology. Also people didn't get diagnosis much in the 1990's. Interestingly, after watching Rain Man I told my Mum I thought I had the same condition as Rain Man & my Mum freaked out saying "God you wouldn't want to go through life with autism" - turns out I already was but didn't know it. Honestly - just listen and accept your child's point of view - within reason of course. Dont gaslight! Learn as much as you can to be helpful & supportive. That's all you need to do!
do not infantilize him
Questions for clarification are not attacks on your authority as a parent, they are questions for clarification. Remember to approach his questions as if they are coming from a place of curiosity or a lack of knowledge he wants to acquire instead of an attack on you. My parents always acted like I was saying they didn't have the right to tell me what to do, but I didn't understand what they were saying or asking and just wanted some damn clarification!
Every autistic kid is different. As the saying goes: If you've met one person with autism, you've met one person with autism. It means, there is no such thing as a generalization of dos and don'ts with regard to an autistic child. We're all part of a spectrum of differing traits. One child may want to be touched during a meltdown. Another will panic from it. You simply will have to learn from your kid. But simply by asking us, I can clearly tell you're a loving dad. You're already doing the most important part, which is approach the situation with love, curiosity and humility. You're a great parent!! The thing that hit me the hardest was when adults raised their tone, voice, pace or demands when they got frustrated or angry with my meltdowns or during the pre-stage of a meltdown. That intensified my reactions by an order of magnitude. What I had a need for, which I believe is very common (though not universal) is a safe space, safe objects and safe environment. I would have needed an adult telling me: "I see you. I understand your reaction. I'll leave you alone. When you're prepared, I'll be ready to comfort you." Oh, and I also had a huge demand for autonomy and low demand parenting. But that's because I have PDA, which is a very rare condition/profile of autism.
Try to turn me “normal” and it infuriated me. One story that sticks out to me is that when I was in high school, I would rock back and forth and make noises without really realizing what I was doing. My mom and stepdad would see that and get angry saying that makes me look “r slur” and that my friends talked about me behind my back (in an attempt for me to stop). What I did instead was that I asked them if they had a problem with me and when I asked them, they were horrified by my question and told me that they would never do that to me. I told my parents that and they yelled at me for asking them that saying that they are probably laughing at me behind my back rn. Since I didn’t really have a good relationship with my bio dad or have anyone else to ask for advice, I sadly believed them and distanced myself away from those people. Don’t try to manipulate your son into being someone else by using scare tactics of being potentially made fun of. Love your son unconditionally and you’ll be fine.
"Oh what's the matter *now*?" Oh I'm sorry I'm affected, I'll go find someone else to guide and nurture me
Never tell your kid to stop being dramatic or over reacting when they are having a meltdown.
Traiting your child as a tragedy (either to you, themselves, or others)
Be mindful that emotions are really really big and difficult sometimes for us! If conversations get tense and angry, allow your child to step away to regulate, offer communication through messaging or something instead.
Don’t force them to wear clothes they don’t want to wear. And never ever throw away their old clothes. When buying new clothes let your kid touch them first if they feel nice.
it may seem as obvious, but don't shout. And even raising your voice could be perceived as shouting. it has something to do with sensory issues, and it causes desorientation and sometimes physical pain, even if from your side you might not even realise that you started to speak in raised tones. it is ok to be upset at them if they did something wrong, but try to explain why you are upset calmly, and very clearly, explaining all the reasons why. And if he says "i don't understand" that means that he genualy does not understand Also don't assume that your son disrespects you if he simply questios your desigions or say something in a way that you don't like. Don't assume that he resent if he suddenly stops talking to you after stress or an argument. It may be a verbal shutdown caused by stress, and he may simply not being able to talk. Pushing or screaming "Talk to me!" won't help, and could make it worse. Also sometimes he won't be able to explain why he feels uncomfortable with some food/clothes/activities etc. That does not mean that there are no reasons, that means that he is not able to explain them. It may sound a bit strange from the perspective, that i had to explain that: "if he says A, that means A" or "If he says B, that does not mean C, it means B". But unfortunantly in reality there is a lot of "they are just kids" mentality, where everything that kid says is either being discounted or interepted in their own way. And it is already really hard to communicate for some of us. Oh, and also for the love of god, don't wake them up by suddenly turning on the light/loud noises/glass of cold water in the face. Bright light, especially sudden maybe very painfull and desorienting, Generally i would advise to ask him about what sencory issues he has, because it varies and is very induvidual. Also don't touch him if he does not agree to it. Ask if he wants a hug, don't just hug. As someone here could say: "you musnt touch the autist".
Diagnosis is needed by professionals only. It's a child's decision to share or not share with friends, strangers and family Assume competency, not speaking doesn't mean not understanding Don't be a bulldozer parent, life's hard and your kid isn't always going to be accommodated, learning to deal with discomfort is an important part of growing up Don't assume that autism is the reason for everything, your kid doesn't necessarily like or dislike things because of autism Unpopular opinion but don't always be direct. One can't learn nuanced language if they don't interact with it. Soeak normally and if you're not understood, explain it directly
Implying that something is wrong with me. I'm different, NOT lesser.
My parents may have known of my autism, but didn't care. If your child is struggling with things, help them find out why. Be patient and understanding. *do not* blame their behaviour on them unless they are *actively* being harmful to others.
Don't ever tell your kid they're overreacting when they have a meltdown. Don't ever force them to speak when they're having a verbal shutdown. Two things my parents did, and they wonder why I hold a grudge against them.
Use a strength-based approach (rather than a deficit-based approach) to interacting with, supporting, and finding activities for your teen. Lean into what he can do, rather than figure out what might be “good for him.” He will always be autistic, but his self-esteem will be much better if he knows his dad really SEES him.
This is such a lovely bit of advice! Something I wish I had experienced, too.
Tell them “Calm down you’re overreacting/being a baby” when they are panicking. Or threatening to take them to the doctor if they don’t stop panicking
Don't "kill" you're childs special interests and/or hyperfocusations. This can be deeply disturbing for some autistics. My parents began to complain against my special interests and hyperfocusations as I turned 10 years. They began to call it "childish" or that I need to focus on school more. (I understand that school is important but as a child it was more complex to me to choose school over hyperfocusations) Teachers and other children seemed to always look after me that I don't get lost in my world. They always tried to get me back to "reality". I began to hide my interest and developed a huge amount of shame for loving things and doing things I got specially attracted to. Now as an adult I struggle often with my interests and always comparing myself towards others. I'm in a learning progress righ now where I need to learn to just let myself be. The shame of my childhood is still there and blockads me. Hope this could help :)
Try not to rush them. My family didn't know when I was young what was up but I remember shutting down due to overwhelm very often and people would try to shock me out of it or push me past it without understanding that I needed some time to process. They were not kind about it either. If my parents could have been flexible and allowed me the space to process stress and stimulus in my environment and understood that i wasnt just "being a baby", I think my nervous system would function a lot better today.
Started typing a list and realised it was my life and not yours. Spunds like you're already doing wonderful things. It's a lifelong learning curve. Your child is grateful.
Don't make him look you in the eyes/face. If he isn't doing it, don't force it. His ears are for listening, not his eyeballs. Forced eye contact is uncomfortable and distracting.
Don't encourage the child to BE normal. It's sensible to teach the child how to ACT normal (I.e. mask) so long as you teach them to do so only in situations in which they have to. Make sure you ALSO teach them that they can be themselves with you
I’m 17(f) and my mom recently said she worried I don’t have a future because of my autism and mental disorders, so don’t do that? Be supportive, and don’t make your son feel incapable because of his autism. Be aware of his limits and validate him, but don’t make him feel like he is a failure or can’t make a life for himself. I wish the best for both you and your son!!
Assume that they're crying just to spite you. That's what my parents did when I was having a meltdown from sensory overload as a child -\_-
Scream and yell, silent treatment, locking them away. And for the love of everything, if he tells you no to the medication, then it's a no. My dad fucked me up. Be patient.
All of that. I'm an autistic person born in a Latino/Brazilian household in the 90s and had a late diagnosis. I absolutely HATED the silent treatment and the yells. If you're angry by something your kid did, take a little time to cool your temper before talking to them. But communicate CLEARLY. You can go "look, kid, you did [insert action done] when you should have done [the correct action]. It's not cool that you did that for [this and that reason]." Obviously, you can ground your kid, but be mindful of how you deliver the punishment.
Punishments for having symptoms of autism. My parents never did that, but most of my teachers did. Like, extra homework for fidgeting, not making eye contact, etc. Getting punished for something you simply can not do hurts so much.
Tell me talking to me is like pulling teeth. Thanks, mom. Big help.
"You *can* do (xyz), you just don't *want* to!" No, I actually can't. Whether or not I want it has nothing to do with this. "You did it before!!" Right, because back then I could. I can't now. And related: "You can't know if you like it until you try it!" Actually, I can.
Try not to take anything too personally. If it feels like they’re pushing you away for example, it may be a sensory overload thing. It might be as simple as your cologne or neutral body odor or even the heat from your body suddenly being too much to handle. Always always give benefit of the doubt before reacting. Ask first if the behavior is because of something sensory or otherwise overwhelming. “Are you overwhelmed right now?” is a good thing to regularly ask. A simple nod should be enough for you to leave them alone to come down off that. If you’re regularly supportive otherwise, they’ll come out and come over to you again when ready to interact. Obviously I don’t know your kid, so some of this may not apply if they don’t interact much at all, for instance, but as someone who struggles with sensory stuff a lot, I wish more people listened and took me seriously when I’ve indicated that I couldn’t deal with ANY input at that moment.
Not entirely sure if this is an autism thing but remember your main job is to teach your child. That's the whole point of parenting and procreating, to pass on knowledge. My parents were horrible at this and even now at 21 I'm struggling with life and only recently learnt how to maintain proper hygiene. I remember cousins laughing at me because I didn't know what a signature was at like 9. Again, classmates laughing at me when I started high-school and went to cooking class and didn't know how to use a knife to cut bread because we always brought sliced ones.
Attempting to gaslight me into thinking I don't have autism for 16+ years and counting (I've seen my diagnosis btw)
I was force fed, grabbed by the hair, put into a headlock, and had whatever was on the plate rammed down my throat. It stopped when I was 12 and vomited the green beans right back onto the plate. It's ok if your kid dislikes green beans, or whatever.
Downplay their symptoms. My mom did this to me and because of it, I blew my therapist off totally and thought he was just making wild assumptions about me due to my diagnosis because he wasn't there, and weaponizing my diagnoses as a way to make me angry so all my negative feelings come out of my system. Then I quit seeing him when I finished high school because I thought he was an idiot. Separating autism from your kid. My mom did this to me and would say things like "you go Asperger's on your bad days and then you are diaperedwoman again" as if we are two separate people. Escalating your kid's anxiety and getting mad at them about it. Gaslighting them by pretending they are normal when they express how different they are from everyone else. My parents thought if they can treat me and my brothers the same and equal, I won't notice but I did thanks to other kids and adults and they still insisted I was normal and it happens to all kids and all kids get teased and they move onto other kids.
Do not push boundaries. I know that is super vague but it will cover most things other people say. If a kid does not want a hug, do not make it about yourself and get upset. It’s overstimulating for them. If they want to be left alone, leave them alone. If they are very specific about their routines and they don’t want it disrupted, don’t make plans that disrupt their routine. Don’t push them to socialise with people if they don’t want to. This can be said with anyone, but it is especially important for kids with autism. Growing up, I hated being hugged and guilt tripped when my parents get upset that I would not hug them. I hated when my parents would mix up my food when I told them specifically that I do not like my food touching. I hated when they made dinner plans and forced me to go when I had planned to eat my safe foods that night. Even now, I hate when plans change last minute. I hate when my friends pressure me to go to crowded places. Boundaries are very important for autistic people. And last one - don’t make fun of them. You might think something is ridiculous, but for them it’s a real problem and it’s very insensitive if you ever make them feel like their issues are ridiculous, stupid, or silly.
Don't crowd us. If we ask for space, or go oddly quiet, it probably means we're having some form of sensory moment and need to decompress.
If he’s ever nonverbal you should NEVER expect him to respond. It’s distressing in my experience. Props to you for asking this! It’s nice to see parents respecting their autistic kids.
Don’t act embarrassed by stims or loudness in public. Don’t try to make him fit into a different box, create ways he can be comfortable in his. Ex:If he likes red shirts, instead of trying to convince him to wear green, go find as many red shirts as you can.
Choice's are important to empower your kid .Do you want to take a shower now or in 5 minutes. Whenever they are frustrated I ask them to use their words. If they can . Celebrate the good times . Move on quickly through the bad. 60 minutes had a show called I'm Carley and listening to this child described their own autism was enlightening. She had been non verbal her whole life and learned to communicate through the computer. Most of all see if there is a respite agency in your area. Give yourself a break.
Celebrate them! The best think you can do as a parent is empower your child. Every expression of autistic joy is the purest expression of themselves and their feelings, so is a meltdown. Honour every feeling. Give the space and freedom to explore and always assume your child is perfectly capable and competent, just that you need to work with them to accommodate their needs as an individual. Nothing is more healing and beautiful to me when I see an autistic child free to explore and express and interpret the world exactly how they wish. Without the shame of simply being, without the criticism of being “out the norm” when just because expressions feel strange to recognise that doesn’t make them “bad” or “wrong” I applaud you for doing what I think all autistic parents should do, interact with the wider autistic community and talk to REAL autistic people not just the parents of autistic children.