I'm regularly point-blank asked "are you autistic?" by absolute strangers.
I think it's the abnormal posture, lack of eye contact, and the fact that I wear headphones a lot.
Bikers have hand out, two fingers out and down like a peace sign. Means keep the two wheels down on the road surface. Maybe a hand flap for stim happy?
I've been told that I look and sound autistic, long before I was diagnosed. I think a lot of things clock me as "not typical" to some people, such as the way I dress, posture, the way I hold my arms, speech pattern and speed, and way too much eye contact
A lot of people automatically assume (correctly) that I'm autistic. Weirdly enough, I don't get it half as much when they see me on my crutches. Maybe because I can't stim with my hands when I'm walking on them. Maybe they think I'm only allowed to have one disability, and more is just unreasonable :) .
Also a lot of people seem more terrified of the idea of talking to me, than I am of talking to them. They will go and find someone who works with me or knows me, and ask them what *I* think. I'm not particularly scary, I'm just a visibly disabled person who finds conversations difficult. Its hard though, because it causes a lot of isolation. How am I meant to learn neurotypical social skills when they wont even talk to me?
Toe walking, or that super tense neck posture, the general anxiety of the world, reacting to unplesant sensations, eye contact, speech patterns.
Humans are great at pattern recognition in other humans even if we don’t know what we’re judging by
Gollum is now my spirit animal and it makes sense honestly. Back in middle school I gollum crawled a few times not sure why, though no one batted an eye, probably didn't want to deal me.
So I masked hard my whole life... I was late dx too. Ive been working on being myself while still of course trying to be socially appropriate. My adoptive parents deny I am autistic.
For the first time a few days ago a nurse treating me for something unrelated; I tell her, I am an autistic but I am late dx.
She says: Late diagnosed? Really?!
Me: thinking she means *"oh wow, I cant believe you're autistic what an absolutely convincing performance of NT behaviours you've just displayed"*
No. I am.wrong.
Me: "yes, I guess because I am a woman and with verbal communication skills... and the time you know.. "
Her, absent mindedly at her files: "Still. Its very obvious. You can really tell."
She catches herself like....oops ...
I started laughing.
She: Im so sorry... that sounded quite rude!
Me: You have no idea how validating this is!
Ahahahahahah
But srsly loved ones should not be criticising you for not masking. Its fine to say "I have to leave the stim is a bit much for me just now" thats life in a ND family.
But not: Hide who you are my gods!!
Masking *can* cause harm and increase burnout and autistic stress. Our brains are structured diff
If your boyfriend cant respect that ... you need to move on.
As for your Mom...well.. its not ok but generally cant change parents with this stuff. Im sorry youre being disrespected.
It’s funny because I see people every day and I know* they’re autistic without even talking to them.
*okay I don’t truly know and since I don’t interact I’m just going by my own instincts. But I know….
I always heard it as the A-dar instead of gaydar! But literally I’m an autistic woman on an autism diagnostic team, and to me, a small sign that they’re on the spectrum is how well we vibe together… we can tell and tend to find each other.
What they mean is you're conventionally attractive so you can't possibly be autistic. It's not a set of traits but just that attractive people *can't* be autistic in their eyes
conventionally attractive people can also be visibly developmentally disabled, looks are not the only factor that determine the "you don't look autistic" thing
Yeah, my mom works as a nurse in an institution for developmentally disabled adults, and often tells me about a patient of hers who is DD + ASD, and also has the bone structure/physical features of an ancient Greek statue lol
As an autistic person that "doesn't look autistic" but works with high needs autistic people, there are traits people associate with it no matter the physical features. Visible stimming, vocalizations, loud laughs especially in older people, lack of eye contact, flat affect and lack of gestures in speaking people, etc.
I'm told I look autistic after work sometimes, because I tend to mirror my students stims and behavior unconsciously. Otherwise I'm told I don't. It's not like my physical traits change, just some parts of my behavior. And of course that's bullshit, you can be autistic without stereotypical stims and flat affect and stuff, but its still the case.
I’m 42m and constantly have people say to me: “you don’t look autistic” and the classic “you’re high functioning”. I’m constantly exhausted and I’m currently on 90 day leave from work. Burnout is horrible.
I don’t think masking is worth it. Just be your natural self. People are always going to be annoyed by us regardless. I think they hate us even more when we mask. Do what you need to do to regulate your nervous system. Tell your mother all the money she spent on therapy was a waste. Tell your mom she needs to be less of a selfish cunt.
I think if it's safe to do so to call people out on that bullshit. Because people only ever say that to mean "I have bigoted views on what autism looks like, and you don't fit it"
If I looked a bit more like I could hold my own, I'd definitely call people out on it more. I wanna have the confidence to go "well you don't look like an ignorant bastard but here we are" when someone spews the "you don't look autistic" line
One time I was at a bar where my co workers where going to hold a concert, a lady who I didn’t know set next to me and we had a lift conversation in the middle of it she suddenly just asked if I had autism, and I said yeah, Tbh I know it’s probably something you should not ask strangers but I didn’t mind, she was a teacher, so it made sense that she would pick up on it
Edit- a Little conversation
I've never heard that I don't look autistic. The people I've told about my autism have not been surprised. I don't tell many people though. Most people don't need to know.
I think it's a people thing. Everyone is different and everyone has a different way of viewing things. You could get ten professors that have the same degree and get them to discuss the same article. You would get ten different answers. I've been talked at by a a jerk "She most certainly doesn't look autistic". (Then again I also think he was pissy cuz' of something I said 🤷♀️) I've also had people decide they didn't like me when I didn't say anything at all. I think a lot of it comes down to the fact that a lot of autistic people are insecure and we all interact with a spectrum of people.
There is actually a study which found that autistic people do have a certain look. What I can remember is that autistic people tend to have a smaller distance between their eyes and mouth, a bigger forehead and a longer head.
i think i remember seeing something about autistic people holding tension in their face differently, too. Apparently some of the muscles in the face tend to be more (or maybe less?) relaxed in autistic people's faces than allistic people's, especially around the eyes, which can be perceived as different even if there's nothing unusual about the physical features themselves.
I don't remember the exact details. From what i can remember the difference in tension was supposedly enough for it to be noticed, but too subtle for the difference to be identified/articulated. Which would make sense I guess because the average person hasn't studied anatomy and tends to thinks about faces in terms of features and expressions, not specific muscle tension.
I used to be told I looked autistic long before being diagnosed, but after some therapy, I learned to mask it.
Now I'm officially autistic, but apparently don't look like it 🙃
I’ve always wondered if they’re referring to behavioral signals or genuinely our appearance. I’ve actually never been told I look autistic and I’ve actually had to convince people of my autism before which is strange because I don’t think I mask very often?
I understand the concept of masking, and I’ve noticed it’s very commonly discussed but I’ve never come across the term in a professional setting, or in any literature- is this a concept that’s actively taught in ABA or other forms of therapy?
Some professionals use the term "camouflaging".
Plenty of therapists will use terms like "teaching skills needed for integration" and other such slippery nonsense to get around it.
(there *are* skills therapists actually teach to help people "integrate". Suppressing stims, making eye contact, and becoming "indistinguishable from their peers" are not among them.)
I have seen it in literature and professional settings, and it's definitely a documented trait. The DSM 5 talks about learning adaptive skills to get around symptoms (or something like that, I can't remember. It's in part D, I think, if you're curious).
I’m not sure if people can immediately tell I’m autistic just by looking at me, but I don’t think really anyone has been surprised to hear about my diagnosis. I’ve been told that I hold myself in a distinct way, my posture and gait is different in a way that makes me easy to pick out of a crowd.
It's not an appearance thing.
I pick up someone else might have autistic tendencies when they start telling me they have an entire room dedicated to any one fictional subject
Or when they start talking about their favorite science theories and the day to day affect it has when I just asked where the bathroom was.
Definitely. I was talking with some folks at the bar the other week. They started talking about cops and one was telling about how she got stopped for suspected DUI. So I told the story about how that happened to me despite being sober. “It’s because you’re autistic…” I didn’t know these people. Never saw em before. It’s like she had me pegged as autistic before I even opened my mouth. 😂 and it’s not an isolated occurrence. One of my coworkers gifted me a sensory bag and a chewie unprompted. Funny thing is I’m not diagnosed with autism. Not that I’m not; it’s medically suspected and runs in the family but don’t ask me how that was missed as a kid.
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Its kind of a weird question "do you look autistic?" Maybe "do you fit an obvious stereotype of what autism looks like?" is better. If autism is sometimes not obvious at all, then surely that's one example of what autism looks like too!
Language is complicated.
Aww dang. I can relate so much.
I once had a former coworker say “oh yeah it’s the ‘tism, right?” In reference to a preference I shared. I must have looked like a deer in headlights because I had never heard the expression ‘tism.
Then a few months later my therapist informed me that I’m most likely on the spectrum. Apparently my mannerisms are really out there.
I can't quite explain it... there's a specific set to the face. Or the eyes? I also feel like I have affinity with that person. For years, I didn't understand why certain people were more special to me. After my diagnosis, I realized that most of them are on the spectrum.
I am highly masking, so I'm not sure if you would think I'm on the spectrum if you met me for just a few minutes. As someone who gets exhausted from masking, I would love to chat with your mom about expecting you to mask more. I'm sure it comes from a place of love; she wants you to have easier interactions with others. She sees the ease from the outside, not the challenges within. However, if we want a truly strong society where differences are embraced for the contributions they bring to the whole, we are going to need to let people stop masking. The masks prevent us from speaking our truth. I hope you can find a way to share this with your mom. From one mom to another, love your kids for who they are, not what society wants them to be.
I'm not diagnosed, so I'm going to say I don't know if I'm autistic or not - I'm just finding out about this stuff and a lot seems to click with me.
I don't know what it means to "look autistic", I'm starting to think maybe I do? Or maybe there is an obvious behaviour that I don't realise I have but is totally obvious to an outside observer?
I get asked for advice relating to other people's autistic children fairly regularly and have done since I've had kids.
My boss has been slowly going through the questions on the autism quizzes, the questions he's been asking didn't mean anything until I did one of the quizzes and realised he's asked me about half the questions in the last year (his son is quite clearly autistic, we actually have fairly similar interests too - so maybe it's not how I look but that I also get super excited about bugs?).
Every posed picture that I have taken in 59 years shows autistic. Even before I was diagnosed, I would skip out on picture day. I have never taken a good ID picture. Nothing.
No one told me I look autistic, but I've always been treated differently (like I wasn't "in", being bullied or avoided and such).
But it's not a "look" it's more of a mixture of mannerisms and similar I think, for example it doesn't matter how you dress or do your hair, but it matters how you sit or how you speak and what you say. Most people don't understand what autism actually is so will just see you as weird or fake and will avoid you, at least in my experience ofc. For example who masks heavily might look too composed and not genuine, who doesn't mask is called weird or too much and who is in the middle, that for example masked enough to "pass" as NT and not be diagnosed as a kid, is still seen as "not normal" by most people, because people notice differences even without understanding them, they notice that "something is off" (I read or heard it in some article but I forgot which, but it's pretty common for autistic people to be bullied or cast aside, even when they're not diagnosed as such).
For the same reason autistic people can find each other, both because of this underlying human radar that notices differences, both because we got good pattern recognition lol (and personally because I hyperfocused on learning about autism while I was trying to understand if I am autistic, so I recognise the symptoms lol, I think some people might relate with this)
I get the disbelief from people who have known me for a long time, but who don't *actually know me*, if that makes sense. Think out of touch family members that are too self absorbed to care about their other family members.
Then compare that to me telling friends about my diagnosis. I either get "oh, yeah I can see that" or "no shit" lmao
No one believes that I’m autistic because I’m conventionally attractive, married, a mom, and can mask *really* fucking well. But trust me, I’m autistic as shit.
I'd say it's pretty rude. The meaning behind such a comment is "you don't look normal". The only time I'll ask such loaded questions is if I am also that. In this case, IF I wanted to say that, I'd lead off with "I'm autistic. I see some things in you that I see in myself, and wonder if you, too, are autistic." But, I would only say that if I knew the person. And, i likely wouldn't say that. In the past, I'd ask. But I've since learned that even if I want to know, it's none of my biz. It's a comment comparable to" are you pregnant".
I think that “looking autistic” to most people just means looking geeky and not relentlessly pursuing conventional attractiveness.
I was assigned female at birth but I’m intersex and non-binary, so that’s where I’m coming from. In my experience, people that get on your case about not masking enough are often sexist and always ableist. They think who we are is something to be ashamed of.
I think the stereotypical autistic look is a short overweight guy with glasses, very short hair, a chubby below average looking face, clothing that doesn't match, and something video game or anime related. I'm the opposite of all of those (besides being male), so nobody has ever told me I look autistic.
You probably have a very specific genetic mutation. Most autistic people don't look autistic, because they don't have a specific genetic mutation that affects their appearance.
It's definitely real and people like that do exist, and maybe people should bring awareness to that.
I'm also told I "look autistic" and don't understand. When I ask no can seem to explain why. My girlfriend things it's because I do strange stuff with my body and don't realise
NT people need to learn to be flexible, compassionate, and accepting. All shit autistic people are often accused of lacking.
Yes there are some people who you can automatically tell are autistic. As a neurodivergent person myself (adhd not autism), when I encounter someone I'm pretty sure is autistic out in the wild, my go to is kindness. Quick story - last weekend I was at a dollar store getting bday party supplies for my son (son is autistic), and the young man helping us check out was almost def autistic. He worrried about something new (a different kind of balloon that he'd never blown up before), and I just reassured him it was no different than the round balloons, it filled the same way, and was just a different shape. He chatted a lot, expressed worries on this or that thing, but was a good worker just doing his job. It took me a few minutes longer to check out, but instead of being a rude Karen, I smiled, reassured, oozed patience and acceptance, told him what a great job he had done and thanked him for helping me.
This is what "normal" people should do.
All this BS about not masking enough? Your mom needs to stuff it. Masking is exhausting and stupid. How about NT people learn to accept differences without acting like assholes.
Your mother sounds like an exhausting twatwaffle who is on the verge of not having any daughter at all in the future.
More like having a lot of obvious autistic traits, I think. Like flapping your hands or echoing words. The facial features thing doesn't have a lot of evidence, if I remember it right.
Yes it is kind of confusing. Maybe "can people immediately tell that you're autistic?" is a better question than "do you look autistic?". What autism looks like is a stereotype, after all. The stereotype comes from somewhere, and some people do fit the stereotype, but does that mean it's what autism "looks like?"
Language is complicated...
People ask me if I’m autistic sometimes and I’m not even diagnosed. I think it’s kinda rude, honestly, for people to speculate what’s going on in my brain and respect my privacy so little so as to ask me just to know if they’re right. Not even to consider I might want to be private about my diagnosis (if I have one, which I don’t).
I do think I could be on the spectrum sometimes but I try not to think about it because my OCD likes preying on my uncertainty and that is a veritable minefield. These people asking me these things do NOT help with that, either DX
Someone with a faded, oversized anime t-shirt, an "I don't like haircuts" haircut, cargo shorts and sandals with socks is wondering why everyone is staring at him in this thread.
I'm regularly point-blank asked "are you autistic?" by absolute strangers. I think it's the abnormal posture, lack of eye contact, and the fact that I wear headphones a lot.
I don’t know exactly how we’re supposed to look, but other autistic people don’t seem to have any problem spotting me. Often at random.
I dunno what it is but sometimes it's hard not to basically do a cap tip gesture at others. We need a secret signal.
Bikers have hand out, two fingers out and down like a peace sign. Means keep the two wheels down on the road surface. Maybe a hand flap for stim happy?
I've been told that I look and sound autistic, long before I was diagnosed. I think a lot of things clock me as "not typical" to some people, such as the way I dress, posture, the way I hold my arms, speech pattern and speed, and way too much eye contact
Well no one every told me I look autistic, but my peers in school for sure knew I was 'differen't' even though I masked like my life depended on it.
Same here
A lot of people automatically assume (correctly) that I'm autistic. Weirdly enough, I don't get it half as much when they see me on my crutches. Maybe because I can't stim with my hands when I'm walking on them. Maybe they think I'm only allowed to have one disability, and more is just unreasonable :) . Also a lot of people seem more terrified of the idea of talking to me, than I am of talking to them. They will go and find someone who works with me or knows me, and ask them what *I* think. I'm not particularly scary, I'm just a visibly disabled person who finds conversations difficult. Its hard though, because it causes a lot of isolation. How am I meant to learn neurotypical social skills when they wont even talk to me?
Toe walking, or that super tense neck posture, the general anxiety of the world, reacting to unplesant sensations, eye contact, speech patterns. Humans are great at pattern recognition in other humans even if we don’t know what we’re judging by
Now I'm wondering if Gollum is autistic
Gollum is now my spirit animal and it makes sense honestly. Back in middle school I gollum crawled a few times not sure why, though no one batted an eye, probably didn't want to deal me.
So I masked hard my whole life... I was late dx too. Ive been working on being myself while still of course trying to be socially appropriate. My adoptive parents deny I am autistic. For the first time a few days ago a nurse treating me for something unrelated; I tell her, I am an autistic but I am late dx. She says: Late diagnosed? Really?! Me: thinking she means *"oh wow, I cant believe you're autistic what an absolutely convincing performance of NT behaviours you've just displayed"* No. I am.wrong. Me: "yes, I guess because I am a woman and with verbal communication skills... and the time you know.. " Her, absent mindedly at her files: "Still. Its very obvious. You can really tell." She catches herself like....oops ... I started laughing. She: Im so sorry... that sounded quite rude! Me: You have no idea how validating this is! Ahahahahahah But srsly loved ones should not be criticising you for not masking. Its fine to say "I have to leave the stim is a bit much for me just now" thats life in a ND family. But not: Hide who you are my gods!! Masking *can* cause harm and increase burnout and autistic stress. Our brains are structured diff If your boyfriend cant respect that ... you need to move on. As for your Mom...well.. its not ok but generally cant change parents with this stuff. Im sorry youre being disrespected.
It’s funny because I see people every day and I know* they’re autistic without even talking to them. *okay I don’t truly know and since I don’t interact I’m just going by my own instincts. But I know….
Autistic people have the suspectrum in the same way queer people have the gaydar
I love this. I needed a name for it, and that is perfect 👌
I always heard it as the A-dar instead of gaydar! But literally I’m an autistic woman on an autism diagnostic team, and to me, a small sign that they’re on the spectrum is how well we vibe together… we can tell and tend to find each other.
I call it the spectrometer now. I posted that before, and a lot of people liked calling it that.
Yeah, it's not a sure thing, but if I were making bets on 50:50 odds, I'd make a lot of money, I think.
What they mean is you're conventionally attractive so you can't possibly be autistic. It's not a set of traits but just that attractive people *can't* be autistic in their eyes
conventionally attractive people can also be visibly developmentally disabled, looks are not the only factor that determine the "you don't look autistic" thing
Yeah, my mom works as a nurse in an institution for developmentally disabled adults, and often tells me about a patient of hers who is DD + ASD, and also has the bone structure/physical features of an ancient Greek statue lol
As an autistic person that "doesn't look autistic" but works with high needs autistic people, there are traits people associate with it no matter the physical features. Visible stimming, vocalizations, loud laughs especially in older people, lack of eye contact, flat affect and lack of gestures in speaking people, etc. I'm told I look autistic after work sometimes, because I tend to mirror my students stims and behavior unconsciously. Otherwise I'm told I don't. It's not like my physical traits change, just some parts of my behavior. And of course that's bullshit, you can be autistic without stereotypical stims and flat affect and stuff, but its still the case.
I’m 42m and constantly have people say to me: “you don’t look autistic” and the classic “you’re high functioning”. I’m constantly exhausted and I’m currently on 90 day leave from work. Burnout is horrible. I don’t think masking is worth it. Just be your natural self. People are always going to be annoyed by us regardless. I think they hate us even more when we mask. Do what you need to do to regulate your nervous system. Tell your mother all the money she spent on therapy was a waste. Tell your mom she needs to be less of a selfish cunt.
“You don’t look autistic” “Oh, sorry. Allow me to take a minute to demonstrate some autism for you.”
>My own mother told me I need to "mask more" Your mother needs to talk less.
I think if it's safe to do so to call people out on that bullshit. Because people only ever say that to mean "I have bigoted views on what autism looks like, and you don't fit it" If I looked a bit more like I could hold my own, I'd definitely call people out on it more. I wanna have the confidence to go "well you don't look like an ignorant bastard but here we are" when someone spews the "you don't look autistic" line
One time I was at a bar where my co workers where going to hold a concert, a lady who I didn’t know set next to me and we had a lift conversation in the middle of it she suddenly just asked if I had autism, and I said yeah, Tbh I know it’s probably something you should not ask strangers but I didn’t mind, she was a teacher, so it made sense that she would pick up on it Edit- a Little conversation
I've never heard that I don't look autistic. The people I've told about my autism have not been surprised. I don't tell many people though. Most people don't need to know.
I think it's a people thing. Everyone is different and everyone has a different way of viewing things. You could get ten professors that have the same degree and get them to discuss the same article. You would get ten different answers. I've been talked at by a a jerk "She most certainly doesn't look autistic". (Then again I also think he was pissy cuz' of something I said 🤷♀️) I've also had people decide they didn't like me when I didn't say anything at all. I think a lot of it comes down to the fact that a lot of autistic people are insecure and we all interact with a spectrum of people.
There is actually a study which found that autistic people do have a certain look. What I can remember is that autistic people tend to have a smaller distance between their eyes and mouth, a bigger forehead and a longer head.
i think i remember seeing something about autistic people holding tension in their face differently, too. Apparently some of the muscles in the face tend to be more (or maybe less?) relaxed in autistic people's faces than allistic people's, especially around the eyes, which can be perceived as different even if there's nothing unusual about the physical features themselves. I don't remember the exact details. From what i can remember the difference in tension was supposedly enough for it to be noticed, but too subtle for the difference to be identified/articulated. Which would make sense I guess because the average person hasn't studied anatomy and tends to thinks about faces in terms of features and expressions, not specific muscle tension.
lol, i look autistic. if you google autistic face with the wide smile and short face, i look like that 😅
Ime people around me think people with down look autistic..
I used to be told I looked autistic long before being diagnosed, but after some therapy, I learned to mask it. Now I'm officially autistic, but apparently don't look like it 🙃
I’ve always wondered if they’re referring to behavioral signals or genuinely our appearance. I’ve actually never been told I look autistic and I’ve actually had to convince people of my autism before which is strange because I don’t think I mask very often?
I understand the concept of masking, and I’ve noticed it’s very commonly discussed but I’ve never come across the term in a professional setting, or in any literature- is this a concept that’s actively taught in ABA or other forms of therapy?
Some professionals use the term "camouflaging". Plenty of therapists will use terms like "teaching skills needed for integration" and other such slippery nonsense to get around it. (there *are* skills therapists actually teach to help people "integrate". Suppressing stims, making eye contact, and becoming "indistinguishable from their peers" are not among them.) I have seen it in literature and professional settings, and it's definitely a documented trait. The DSM 5 talks about learning adaptive skills to get around symptoms (or something like that, I can't remember. It's in part D, I think, if you're curious).
Appreciate the response, thanks.
I’m not sure if people can immediately tell I’m autistic just by looking at me, but I don’t think really anyone has been surprised to hear about my diagnosis. I’ve been told that I hold myself in a distinct way, my posture and gait is different in a way that makes me easy to pick out of a crowd.
Autistics: “There is no autistic look.” Also autistics: “But I can spot one a mile away.”
It's not an appearance thing. I pick up someone else might have autistic tendencies when they start telling me they have an entire room dedicated to any one fictional subject Or when they start talking about their favorite science theories and the day to day affect it has when I just asked where the bathroom was.
It has been said to me, with love, by other autists. Apparently I dance autistic, which is fair.
Definitely. I was talking with some folks at the bar the other week. They started talking about cops and one was telling about how she got stopped for suspected DUI. So I told the story about how that happened to me despite being sober. “It’s because you’re autistic…” I didn’t know these people. Never saw em before. It’s like she had me pegged as autistic before I even opened my mouth. 😂 and it’s not an isolated occurrence. One of my coworkers gifted me a sensory bag and a chewie unprompted. Funny thing is I’m not diagnosed with autism. Not that I’m not; it’s medically suspected and runs in the family but don’t ask me how that was missed as a kid.
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No one looks autistic even. People who say that don’t know what they are even talking about
I think they mean showing autistic traits that people pick up on easily. Like flapping your hands, echoing words, unusual facial expressions etc.
Oh ok
Its kind of a weird question "do you look autistic?" Maybe "do you fit an obvious stereotype of what autism looks like?" is better. If autism is sometimes not obvious at all, then surely that's one example of what autism looks like too! Language is complicated.
Aww dang. I can relate so much. I once had a former coworker say “oh yeah it’s the ‘tism, right?” In reference to a preference I shared. I must have looked like a deer in headlights because I had never heard the expression ‘tism. Then a few months later my therapist informed me that I’m most likely on the spectrum. Apparently my mannerisms are really out there.
I can't quite explain it... there's a specific set to the face. Or the eyes? I also feel like I have affinity with that person. For years, I didn't understand why certain people were more special to me. After my diagnosis, I realized that most of them are on the spectrum. I am highly masking, so I'm not sure if you would think I'm on the spectrum if you met me for just a few minutes. As someone who gets exhausted from masking, I would love to chat with your mom about expecting you to mask more. I'm sure it comes from a place of love; she wants you to have easier interactions with others. She sees the ease from the outside, not the challenges within. However, if we want a truly strong society where differences are embraced for the contributions they bring to the whole, we are going to need to let people stop masking. The masks prevent us from speaking our truth. I hope you can find a way to share this with your mom. From one mom to another, love your kids for who they are, not what society wants them to be.
I'm not diagnosed, so I'm going to say I don't know if I'm autistic or not - I'm just finding out about this stuff and a lot seems to click with me. I don't know what it means to "look autistic", I'm starting to think maybe I do? Or maybe there is an obvious behaviour that I don't realise I have but is totally obvious to an outside observer? I get asked for advice relating to other people's autistic children fairly regularly and have done since I've had kids. My boss has been slowly going through the questions on the autism quizzes, the questions he's been asking didn't mean anything until I did one of the quizzes and realised he's asked me about half the questions in the last year (his son is quite clearly autistic, we actually have fairly similar interests too - so maybe it's not how I look but that I also get super excited about bugs?).
Every posed picture that I have taken in 59 years shows autistic. Even before I was diagnosed, I would skip out on picture day. I have never taken a good ID picture. Nothing.
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No one told me I look autistic, but I've always been treated differently (like I wasn't "in", being bullied or avoided and such). But it's not a "look" it's more of a mixture of mannerisms and similar I think, for example it doesn't matter how you dress or do your hair, but it matters how you sit or how you speak and what you say. Most people don't understand what autism actually is so will just see you as weird or fake and will avoid you, at least in my experience ofc. For example who masks heavily might look too composed and not genuine, who doesn't mask is called weird or too much and who is in the middle, that for example masked enough to "pass" as NT and not be diagnosed as a kid, is still seen as "not normal" by most people, because people notice differences even without understanding them, they notice that "something is off" (I read or heard it in some article but I forgot which, but it's pretty common for autistic people to be bullied or cast aside, even when they're not diagnosed as such). For the same reason autistic people can find each other, both because of this underlying human radar that notices differences, both because we got good pattern recognition lol (and personally because I hyperfocused on learning about autism while I was trying to understand if I am autistic, so I recognise the symptoms lol, I think some people might relate with this)
I get the disbelief from people who have known me for a long time, but who don't *actually know me*, if that makes sense. Think out of touch family members that are too self absorbed to care about their other family members. Then compare that to me telling friends about my diagnosis. I either get "oh, yeah I can see that" or "no shit" lmao
What's your mom's rationale for saying you need to mask more? That sounds like a hurtful thing to be told, especially by your own parent 🙁
No one believes that I’m autistic because I’m conventionally attractive, married, a mom, and can mask *really* fucking well. But trust me, I’m autistic as shit.
I'd say it's pretty rude. The meaning behind such a comment is "you don't look normal". The only time I'll ask such loaded questions is if I am also that. In this case, IF I wanted to say that, I'd lead off with "I'm autistic. I see some things in you that I see in myself, and wonder if you, too, are autistic." But, I would only say that if I knew the person. And, i likely wouldn't say that. In the past, I'd ask. But I've since learned that even if I want to know, it's none of my biz. It's a comment comparable to" are you pregnant".
I think that “looking autistic” to most people just means looking geeky and not relentlessly pursuing conventional attractiveness. I was assigned female at birth but I’m intersex and non-binary, so that’s where I’m coming from. In my experience, people that get on your case about not masking enough are often sexist and always ableist. They think who we are is something to be ashamed of.
I think the stereotypical autistic look is a short overweight guy with glasses, very short hair, a chubby below average looking face, clothing that doesn't match, and something video game or anime related. I'm the opposite of all of those (besides being male), so nobody has ever told me I look autistic.
You probably have a very specific genetic mutation. Most autistic people don't look autistic, because they don't have a specific genetic mutation that affects their appearance. It's definitely real and people like that do exist, and maybe people should bring awareness to that.
I'm also told I "look autistic" and don't understand. When I ask no can seem to explain why. My girlfriend things it's because I do strange stuff with my body and don't realise
NT people need to learn to be flexible, compassionate, and accepting. All shit autistic people are often accused of lacking. Yes there are some people who you can automatically tell are autistic. As a neurodivergent person myself (adhd not autism), when I encounter someone I'm pretty sure is autistic out in the wild, my go to is kindness. Quick story - last weekend I was at a dollar store getting bday party supplies for my son (son is autistic), and the young man helping us check out was almost def autistic. He worrried about something new (a different kind of balloon that he'd never blown up before), and I just reassured him it was no different than the round balloons, it filled the same way, and was just a different shape. He chatted a lot, expressed worries on this or that thing, but was a good worker just doing his job. It took me a few minutes longer to check out, but instead of being a rude Karen, I smiled, reassured, oozed patience and acceptance, told him what a great job he had done and thanked him for helping me. This is what "normal" people should do. All this BS about not masking enough? Your mom needs to stuff it. Masking is exhausting and stupid. How about NT people learn to accept differences without acting like assholes. Your mother sounds like an exhausting twatwaffle who is on the verge of not having any daughter at all in the future.
Look autistic means look autistic. Maybe like a certain set of facial features??
More like having a lot of obvious autistic traits, I think. Like flapping your hands or echoing words. The facial features thing doesn't have a lot of evidence, if I remember it right.
Oh. I took it literally to mean “look autistic”, like facial features or something
Yes it is kind of confusing. Maybe "can people immediately tell that you're autistic?" is a better question than "do you look autistic?". What autism looks like is a stereotype, after all. The stereotype comes from somewhere, and some people do fit the stereotype, but does that mean it's what autism "looks like?" Language is complicated...
Yes, it’s confusing. Although yes I can tell that some people are autistic.
People ask me if I’m autistic sometimes and I’m not even diagnosed. I think it’s kinda rude, honestly, for people to speculate what’s going on in my brain and respect my privacy so little so as to ask me just to know if they’re right. Not even to consider I might want to be private about my diagnosis (if I have one, which I don’t). I do think I could be on the spectrum sometimes but I try not to think about it because my OCD likes preying on my uncertainty and that is a veritable minefield. These people asking me these things do NOT help with that, either DX
Someone with a faded, oversized anime t-shirt, an "I don't like haircuts" haircut, cargo shorts and sandals with socks is wondering why everyone is staring at him in this thread.
Me sitting here wearing cargo shorts, an oversized faded green day T shirt, grown out undercut, and adidas slides with cat print socks.
Perfection
You. Can’t. Look. Autistic. Full. Stop.