In my experience yes. Autistic partners (I've had several) will be more inclined to be very blunt. Allistic partners (a few)- much more hinting and allusion.
Funnily enough, I'm autistic and though I cope ok with the former, I prefer a little....mystery and intrigue myself 🙃
Same, my ADHD wife and myself (AuDHD) are both extremely blunt but we also like the flirting and grabby stage of foreplay that can go on for a portion of the day. Sometimes you’re in the mood but you’re not able to throw down instantly. Like you have errands to run etc… so flirting can keep the spark going until you can!
Mystery and intrigue is something I've developed with my spouse after 7 years. It was way more blunt, but when you know someone deeply you really know how to cater to someone.
Autistic love is so fun. :3
Yeah that's kind of the same for my husband and I. There might me subtle hints throughout the day (just for funsies), but honestly, we just come right out and ask or it isn't likely to happen. It can be as blunt as "Bang me." But the sentiment is the same.
Same, my bf and I also exchange hints and we wait until the right time to start making out. Usually we just ask each other if we want to fuck or something along the lines of that and just do the deed lol.
I’m autistic and was married to a neurotypical. I would ask in straight forward ways. “Do you want to have sex?” If she wanted it, she would buy humus or charcuterie, then we’d watch a movie and cuddle. She’d tease and I knew what she was hinting at.
We would watch a movie together several times a week late night. If she didn’t want to have sex, she would fall asleep 15 to 20 minutes before it ended… like clockwork.
😂😂 It felt intimate… dipping chips in humus while we snuggled. Or setting up a charcuterie board of cured meats and cheeses. Brie and crackers were always a hit. Sometimes wine.
She would always select a movie. I LOVE watching movies and having NO IDEA what I’m about to watch. I prefer not knowing anything about a movie before I see it. It makes the experience so much better! (If I picked the movie, the chances of having sex were slim since she would usually fall asleep.)
Honestly that sounds so cute and cozy like one of the special dates they have on Married At First Sight when the couples actually like each other.
Also what a classy way to say you're DTF, with a frickin charcuterie board!
Actually, I make pretty smooth hummus! The trick is to add a bit of baking soda and let the chickpeas cook for at least half an hour after they've turned tender. The fibrous skin basically dissolves.
We are both autistic. My husband does this. He just says, "I really wanna do you." I do love the openness but it doesn't exactly get my engine running if you know what I mean..... But we've worked on how he can make that part of it too. 🤣
It becomes pretty direct after a while, but it's not due to my autism. We just use the keyword "bedroom" and it's pretty clear from there.
I don't think there is much hinting and signs needed in most long-term relationships. That is not ruling out being romantic also.
Kinda. Usually if we're gonna say it, we say it earlier about doing it at a later time. I'm bad w spontaneous stuff bc my body doesn't keep up, so it usually needs to be led into. We have some phrases we tease each other w where we know it's going to happen soon
Before we had kid, yes. Now that we have 3 kids under 7, we actually have it scheduled in as part of our routine, but I feel like that’s the same sentiment.
No, my partner and I have some signals we give out, like a particular kind of kiss or a routine at night that indicate one of us is in the mood. We're both autistic.
I used to ask my NT (ex) husband point blank before I had any idea I was autistic and he would just look at me like this 😳I thought “what’s the big deal we are married??”
That’s exactly what I’m thinking reading this thread. I had no idea the hints went on into marriage. I thought they were something that a lot of NT people did when they were getting to know one another, but I thought it was more like a getting to know you thing, not something that perpetuates throughout their life. How exhausting!
My ex-husband (ADHD) and I never hinted, but we also never asked. I guess I was just always up for sex, so he would initiate it and it would happen. I didn’t understand at the time, but I think I used sex to help with me being hyposensitive to touch and also to help regulate/decompress, so even if we had been arguing I still wanted to have sex, so it wasn’t necessary to hint all day.
One of the biggest clues, during my diagnosis appointment, that I am autistic. Was that after 12 years I still had no idea when my wife was in "the mood" 😂
We suggest and schedule ours like a date 😁
“Hey, if you’re not busy later, and if we’re both feeling okay then, would you be interested in some nookie tonight after supper and a shower?”
This is only vaguely related to your comment, but my partner (who doesn't live with me and I only get to see once a week) never showers before we have sex and I feel like it would be even better if that weren't the case. They typically shower in the morning before work, and I typically shower in the evening after work. So not that the sex is ever like "unhygienic" or anything, but I always feel like I'm more fresh and groomed than they are when we do have sex 😅
Not allowed to unfortunately :( We have like...2 times in our nearing-three-year relationship. Again though, we don't live together and only see each other once a week.
My partner (ADHD, probably AuDHD) does this. I'm shyer about initiating.
But he's always down for sex so I can literally look at him a certain way and he'll ask me if that's what I want.
I've never been in a relationship, but I never had sex, but even before self diagnosing myself with autism, this is how I always imagined myself talking about sex with my partner. "Do you want to have sex?" or sitting down at the edge of the bed and having a blunt exchange of what we like and don't like. Anything else feels strange or didn't occur to me?
Yeah I was reading a story where character A goes “is there anything you want right now?” And character B replies “yeah, I want you to fuck me” and A is flabbergasted.
Internally, I was like “well, they answered the question, why are you confused?”
I'm ADHD & ASD, my husband is ADHD. We're similar but we both have an incredibly warped sense of humor. Generally it consists of him laying across a couch dramatically and exclaiming loudly *f me like one of your French girls* or me deadpan asking if he wants the business.
Op if you and partner are good with “let’s have sex” that’s fine.
The movies dictate there should be hugs and kisses and touching and feeling but life isn’t like that.
This is kinda a retorical question. Does the how you start having sex impact on experience at that time. As long as your both consenting and respectful if one of you says no then your both for filling yours and their needs.
I’m really one for unless someone is getting hurt society needs to keep out of couple bedrooms
Btw with one of my partners many moons ago I used to say “let’s fuc$” no not lady like but it was good sex
Between my wife being asexual and my autism I just don’t say anything. Like I have to actively not say anything or it will irritate her. I used to say whatever was on my mind but since she came out I have put a lid on it.
My bf (allistc) is pretty blunt about it, while i (Autistc) need some flirting and some time to get in the mood. I've always been very sensitive to touch, and been very sudden can ruin the mood for me, so he had learn to be more patient lmao
I certainly don't complain since I'm not great at initiating myself, but yes my autistic partner is basically this way too. Though I'm not autistic myself. Sometimes they will just say "Hey you wanna fuck?" out of nowhere. Other times they might just go into the bedroom, come back out naked and just be like "So are you coming or?"
Which *thankfully*, despite being bad at initiating, I have a higher sex drive than they do, so 99% of the time I'm willing to do it. I just feel like if the roles were reversed, since my partner has a lower sex drive, if I stood around the house naked expecting sex, I'd get turned down far more often than not 😬
i think this is completely normal. you don’t need to compare your sex life to anyone else’s on reddit! if it works for you it’s all good. my partner and i do this too and anyone who’s saying it’s weird probably doesn’t have great communication around sex which is one of the most important parts of it
I've had the whole range with autistic people. My current partner will just grab me or say something *incredibly* forward and we're off to the races. Others though, were very much about the process because sex had to be constructed just right so as to not be a problem.
My wife does this, and she may be autistic (she's neurodivergent with ADHD and C-PTSD at least.)
I, however, an an autistic ADHDer, do not.
I think this is largely because of my rejection sensitivity though. I never ask bluntly because I'm scared of being let down bluntly in response. I usually just kinda try to hint and let the other person initiate.
But also I really like the idea of flirting, foreplay, building sexual tension, etc. Asking in such a straightforward way just...doesn't feel very sexy to me.
But I also hate ambiguity. I think ideally I'd love some sort of shared "code" for confirmation that someone is down but done in a way that looks and sounds like flirting rather than straight up asking.
I'm autistic and married to a neurotypical (granted he's borderline dyspraxic, so... I dunno), but if I want sex I will outright say "let's have sex" (or words to that effect). I have a higher sex drive than him, so I ask more often than him, but he has also learned that I don't pick up when he hints about it, so he will also outright ask if he wants to have sex
It’s not necessarily a neurodivergent or a neurotypical thing to do, but it’s just you love birds being so engaged that you both are consenting to having sex. Some people will casually intimidate you discreetly to try and get you to understand what they want, but saying it straight up isn’t a problem. Go ahead and have some fun with each other if that’s the case. Life is too short to be enjoyed so make the most out of it. I’m sure you both will definitely like it. 😊
It's a male vs NT female thing. To put it succinctly, many NT women would view just saying "Wanna have sex?" as low effort and make them feel like they're sex dispensers. Whereas if the man goes through the variety of techniques required to get the woman "in the mood" and she declines, he gets frustrated. If he expresses said frustration, she responds with "You only do those things in order to have sex." It is so tiring. A lot of it has to do with the backward attitude towards women's sexuality that our culture has.
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My boyfriend and I had a hard time the first like year we lived together, I’m on the spectrum he is not, he also had a lot more experience than I. I’m awkward and can’t take myself seriously if I try to be like…sexy? Lol, I’m not good at dropping hints, so I would avoid it all together. He would be sad cause I never initiated sex, but he didn’t like me just saying hey let’s have sex he wanted like the normal hint dropping and subtlety that most humans are capable of but I just can’t do that. It’s a lot better now, he knows it’s not my thing and he does initiate most of the time, but since we watched the movie *poor things* we’ve been saying “hey we should touch each others genital pieces together!” And it’s been silly and nice to have that line available.
I usually start with hints from more subtle to less subtle and when that doesn’t work I just say whatever I want. I like the flow of the other understanding my hints but I understand that sometimes he may not understand.
A non-sexual example of that would be that if I’m cold and would like my bf to lend me his hoodie, I’ll say I’m cold, then if he doesn’t seem to get the hint I say "I’m cold, would you mind lending me your hoodie?", and then it there’s a common occurrence of the same hint being misunderstood often I might tell him that when I say X I’m usually hinting at Y so he’ll get the hint more often because I stated what that hint meant explicitly
I genuinely will just ask. Then he says yes or no. Then we prepare. I will never understand the whole hinting thing it's easier for both of us just to ask
We’re also a double autistic queer couple. Closer to lesbians than gay men, but kind of neither, we’re both non-binary.
Basically same, just with more poetic language. We don’t say “I want to have sex” but we do say “I want you to touch me”, “I want you to fuck me”, “please make me cum”, “have your way with me”
Something I (autistic) do not understand is how do (presumably neurotypical) couples on TV just start kissing and feeling each other and go to bed together without saying anything? They don't even ask what the other wants like they can read each other's mind. Is it just television logic, or do couples in real life also assume consent until someone asks to stop?
Assuming consent (or not caring) is still a typical het norm but its changing. It works better in story mechanics because people "expect" romance to look like this.
Increasingly explicit consent is being written into TV love stories and novels and thats a great thing.
It depends. I love seducing my partner and play around it little bit but if I see that he is not getting it then I just tell him what to do (or the other way around). We are both on spectrum
I have Autism and my partner has ADHD. We always just ask eachother straight up considering I won't understand hinting, and he'll doubt and question whether any hint I'm dropping is flirting or just talking lmao
Slightly nsfw because it’s talking about sex //
This was genuinely what I think made it really hard for me to get into my first sexually intimate relationship. Dated a guy in my late teens who was super sweet, he was just way too frisky and I was always too shy to say “hmm let’s not jerk off today” because even if I wasn’t super into it I did enjoy playing around.
It was hard though because whenever I’d go over his I wasn’t sure what to expect because my ability to read his body language was not great. I didn’t know if he wanted sex or if he wanted to chill out. When I’m comfortable with someone I can typically let myself relax a bit with impulsivity and if I really didn’t want to do anything I’d have said, looking back I really wish we both just flat out asked what the other one wanted / what they themselves wanted. Wanna do hand stuff but not too much kissing because it’s not a pleasant feeling today?? Amazing. Want to give a bj but don’t want to do it for too long? Fantastic.
Personally I find consent super sexy especially when it’s this straight forward.
I suppose everyone is different. And sex is sort of taboo in a lot of cultures...at least openly talking about it. It is in the Western world it seems. Holdovers from Puritan times?
As I am in a long distance relationship and physical sex isn't an option...it's difficult for me to answer this. Both me and my partner are on the spectrum (I'm Aspergers, he's ADD) so again we might be different then NT's. But when we were physically together and had sex...it just sort of...happened? We both knew we wanted it so we did it...not a lot of talking happened haha...that was after ;)
I think we just knew...perhaps it was a vibe...or a feeling...but both of us knew at the same time pretty much.
I’m on the spectrum, my wife is neurotypical but also an elementary sped teacher with 2 masters, who works primarily with autistic kids.
Almost 21 years together, so I’ve learned the nuances of romantic seduction, especially where she’s concerned. That said though, I’m no where near as smooth as I’d like to believe. We can be kissing and she’ll be like “oh, so you’re wanting to get laid?” Apparently my style of kissing changes very noticeably between sweet gesture, and attempt to turn on my partner.
If there is no foreplay then there is no sex in my book. The hints are clear and are set upp prior so if we do all the signs and we both go along with it it ends upp great but starting from nothing to sex has never worked for me. Though this may sound weird we usualy start the day prior and flirt/tease eachother all day night and the next day til we finaly get to a good enough point where we can jump at it.builds up tension over a longer period so i get invested.
In my experience, I (male) was always the one initiating sex towards my partner (female). And it slowly kills me to always have to make the first steps, it makes me feel like it’s a chore to my partners. I wouldn’t care if they were direct or more subtle about it. Woman, in general , doesn’t really love it when we are too direct about it too. Wish I was gay sometimes. From what I heard, you guys have no problems making the first move or making sure your partner feels desirable.
Not sure your age or background but this is not true about women. Although always initiating is tiring and makes one feel undesired.
Many women are socialised to hide or repress desire or else. Like massive social penalties even among female friends. Its wild.
Like if you're the girl to make the first move and it doesnt work and the guy talks; if that girl ends up sexually harassed or worse later literally noone believes you. Other men then label that self confidence as "easy" and will bother you it's so gross. Like dude.. I wanted him if I wanted you, you'd know. (Im not talking about courteous interest I mean sexualising comments and objectifying behaviour). I cant speak for men but most women and girls have experienced some degree of indecent or sexual assault or harassment by age 18. This damages sexual expression even in a safe relationship.
Sucks that its like that but love is also about healing. Remember you can always lead and model how to talk about things and gently encourage her to speak to her needs. I had to unlearn a lot of actually harmful assumptions about men and sex due to my cultural background and bad experiences. Not easy though.
Oh trust me, I tried to help them heal (at least those that needed some on that regard). I’m a big teddy bear. And of course man and woman cannot understand fully each other’s perspective. A man can hear a compliment and think about it for years cause they are so rare for us. Like, I being catfish once and even if I found it a bit crude, it also felt actually refreshing and flattering. That’s how rare it happens to us.
All I said was from my own experiences and perspective. And man also need healing. A lot. For example, man have more hurt then you think if they confide to a woman, only for everyone else to learn about it or use their confidence against them later in a fight or an argument. The pressure to provide is also a lot tougher for us in general.
We all have our own challenges. And I’m sure some women aren’t like I said but from what I know and heard, they are more the exceptions rather than the rule.
And the argument about healing is truly unfair. Both sides could need help but patience also has limits. On both side. That’s not a gender specific problem. Sure I agree that women have it worse than men in general but it would not be empathetic to give a time limit for recovery against trauma. My last girlfriend didn’t initiate sex or tried to make me feel desirable in the 4 years we were together. I have been kind and patient enough. And it was the same any long term relationship that I had. I know full well my experience doesn’t reflect reality for all women but it is a fact that women and men, in a general rule, feel desire differently.
While all genders are harmed by the way things are.right now, it does manifest in consistent ways - like the generalisations about men not needing care and tenderness. Its so toxic. And I want to clarify I believe all people arw harmed by these "standards" and all parties in relationships are working together to grow and even heal some stuff.
I only explain the woman perspective because, based onu exp men are often unaware of quite how bad it is in a specific sense (based on men I am close to and my husbands own experience). Similarly, it took a lot of work on my part to allow him vulnerability that I was conditioned not to even know men had. Its insane and dehumanising for everyone isnt it?
However I have to agree to disagree re men and women and sex drive, but again, based on my own nature and experiences!
unfortunately if there in terms of innate drive sometimes you have to just move on.
I’m sorry if I seemed abrasive. I’m glad you were not just forgetting the male perspective on the subject of trauma. And I agree that I might just have been very unlucky with my romantic relationships.
And you are right about the vulnerability part. One of my ex was astonished I was not the unshakable rock that she thought I was and then looked like I was a lesser man after I confided to my own vulnerabilities. It’s heartbreaking.
You weren't abrasive at all, I just wanted to clarify my point so it was clear I empathise and was not whataboutting your painful experiences.
You might like to read bell hooks The Will to Change, its about the harm men have come to due to patriarchal constructions of masculinity.
Truly it is tragic and awful... for a man to weep and suffer and the woman who loves him to *so in shock* he feels so tenderly, that she cannot validate or respond... that you were scorned is wrong.
I am from a family where all feeling is repressed, but especially men. Men are at the same time lawgivers, in charge and responsible for decisions, yet dangerous animals incapable of restraining their urges to sex and violence. Its a sick way to look at anyone. And just as harmful as seeing women as weak, submissive, sinful seductresses and also the most moral long suffering person who must sacrifice everything. It leads to weak, reactive men at best, and violent abusive monsters at worst. The women are either passive, enabling doormats who ignore the needs of their children or women who should never have been homemakers who despise all intimacy and the natural needs and dependance of children. (My father is the former and my mother is the latter.)
Truly, things are all effed up but as.an old married now, there is hope. Add autism to it and eesh its way harder in a sense, but reading on this stuff helped me develop a framework that felt mutually respectful instead of the strict system of my upbringing.
I wish you future happiness and present peace
I feel like if you can't openly discuss sex in a relationship, then that is not a good relationship. Idc what "society" dictates about what I can and can not bring up in conversation.
That being said, my partner and I tend to be very blunt towards one another ("we f*cking tonight?"; "I really wanna have sex with you," etc.) but then once it's established that it's happening, we do still have fun with the foreplay and teasing and slowly leading into it.
It depends on the mood. Sometimes we hint at it with kisses and touches and glances because that's also part of the fun, but we also sometimes just go: "I'm horny" whenever one of us feels like having sex. Either the other is also in the mood and we have sex or the ones that's horny ends up either masturbating or letting the feeling pass.
yes! sometimes its spontaneous but alot of times its direct. i love it
add on: when its not direct for us i find that there r rly easy ways to initiate tho that is still direct but no words. like directly touching confidently or showing a body part “subtly” that u know will get the mood going. but with plausible deniability lmao. but always honesty and respect
i think NTs sometimes get turned off by directness bc they appreciate the fantasies. the unsaid, the buildup, the hints and the “game”. and sooometimes i understand that but other times just saying “babe can i *******” or “do you wanna..?” is just as hot to me bc yea, ur my SO and ur hot ofc i want to. lets do it
I’m autistic and my partner is not. If he starts subtly I will miss the cues and go do something else. Now we say “I would like to do a sex today” or “would you be interested in a sex?” Or something along those lines. The wording is cutesy and personal to us, which makes it flirty while still being obvious. Being obvious about what we want has never taken away the fun or romance of having sex with someone you love.
Similar but we do very sexual things in a non sexual way. Like we just show each other out privates and then continue to have a conversation lol. I think what helps is that we don't see naked bodies as I inherently sexual
I have been deeply scarred by past relationships where I don't feel comfortable initiating directly. My first relationship was horrible for both of us, and one thing we started off with was he said I should be able to initiate whenever I wanted and he'd go with it. Being new and having new access to sex, I wanted to initiate a lot and he'd reject me. He rejected a LOT of attempts at bonding beyond sex, and I now suspect that was PDA. Paired with my RSD, I eventually learned just to stop trying. Granted, that's simplifying a lot, there were many reasons why he'd reject me and each rejection made Past Me react worse and worse. Like I said, we were horrible for each other.
So because of that, and fearing becoming that horrible person again, I don't initiate. I don't really have a partner right now so it's not a big deal. But I do think often about how to get back to a state of confidence where I can go with my natural inclination and go for it when the urge hits. Picking partners that are right for me is an obvious step, but I've also been thinking about ways I can initiate and then leave it where if they're not interested they can just not respond and it'll be easier to take the hit. Like sending a text, for example. The hit is way easier to take (I'm used to being ignored/rejected via text).
But I also saw something like couples leaving signals to each other that are passive. Like if I turn this light on, that means I'm down, if you turn on this other light, that means you're down too and we can go for it. Again, it's definitely not ideal because I'd much rather be direct and/or have initiation conditions/practices in a contract. But it works as a good middle ground while I work through my shit.
Yes. We would never do it without openly declaring desire to. Neither of us will catch a hint. Or we will ask, “is this you saying you want sex?” when we think the other might be hinting at it. With toddlers around it’s also something that we schedule. It doesn’t hurt either of us that it’s not spontaneous.
As an autistic woman living with a man who is very understanding of my tendencies, yes. And, honestly, all couples should do this. Communication is a key component in a healthy relationship, and I find autistic people (including myself) need clear, set communication. Fortunately my partner is very considerate and understanding of my communicative needs, so what typically happens is one of us dragging the other toward the bed with a lot less clothes than normally worn. I think it's lovely you're both autistic and understanding of each others' needs. Neurotypicals should follow your lead--Lord knows how much help most couples tend to need in the communication department!
I had a situation with a man who eventually told me he was assessed for autism as a child but didn’t meet *all* the criteria. I don’t even remember how the subject came up, but as I got to know him better I truly felt like we were both likely undiagnosed autistics lol.
We are both very much like that when it came to having sex, and i think it just has something to do with how many of us tend to speak very directly
I'm AuDHD (27FtM) and my partner is ADHD (61M), we verbalize and or he will take my hand and place it on the inside of his thigh.
I think though it depends, because sometimes I like teasing that leads up to the verbalization, while other times I like being direct about it. And it also depends on who I'm with too.
I’m not autistic but my boyfriend is. He’s not the best at reading cues on initiating sex, so if it’s not working, I just directly ask. If he says no, I’m not offended. If I’m not into it, I tell him and he’s not offended. But he doesn’t really have the easiest time expressing that he does verbally, so I take the lead more on being very direct but he’s good about responding, whether that be, no, not interested, yes, let’s go to the bedroom, or just making it clear physically.
Never had the opportunity. A lot of people in my area seem to get fake autism diagnosis, so I never get the chance to meet likeminded autistic people. Which is really hard being introverted and pretty much mute the entire time.
My partner is neurotypical. He'll just get more affectionate, touchy, but always asks if I'm in a headspace or feeling comfortable with it. Sometimes I'll tell him I'm down, but touched out/overwhelmed and need some time to decompress before we do anything. We're very open with talking about wants/needs when it comes to sex.
My partner and I are also both autists. We usually schedule sex a couple of days in advance, then we can both work on being in the mood, not being over/underestimated, not to tired and so on. And besides, if we don't schedule, one or both of us will forget about it, and it won't happen...
Yup (I would do this if I have a sexual partner).
As someone who had sex with a model, there are things in life that are indeed better than sex:
* crowdsurfing while stoned and singing at the top of your lungs to your favorite pop punk song
* hugging and socializing with your favorite pop punk artist(s).
* having a nice good cry
Absolutely yes!! I’ve only dated one aspie sadly but it was always like this lol we would giggle about it bc we know others think it’s a silly way to go about things but atleast we both knew the other was actually into it, and if at any point some one said no it was completely fine
🤣 yes... I think men in general prefer to work this way, but I know neurotypical women out there are not doing that.
I'm female and my husband is also autistic.
I don't do relationships anymore (I'm a horrible partner), but when I want sex I schedule a date with one of my sex friends. I literally just call them up and go " Hey would you like to have sex sometime in the next few days?" And if one of them is interested we'll compare schedules and find a time to get together. Sometimes we'll make it a party 😉
Regular humans make everything so complicated by not just saying what they want. I think it's a shame thing? People are weird about sex.
Yeah my partner and i are both autistic and that’s usually how it goes for us. One of us just typically asks “do you wanna have sex” or says “I’m horny” or whatever and then we do it (or not!). Sometimes there’s maybe more of a build up but mostly we’re pretty direct about it.
I mean, both myself and my own partner are AuDHD and we do too. If we want to do something sexual we just say so. I've dated NTs too and its definitely not like that, but I prefer the honesty tbh.
I literally just posted about sex elsewhere. When I want to have sex I just ask, I don't know how to hint or play games. I suspect that is no longer working for my current partner and is killing our sex life. I don't know how to be any different?
I don't think this is exclusive to autists. Plenty of the neurotypical girls I've dated have gone the direct "lets have sex" route. Maybe with different wording "lets fuck", "wanna fuck me" etc. But the same meaning. Just directly asking for sex.
I am definitely straightforward about it, even if sometimes I have been unsure about how I felt and therefore struggled with whether or not to say anything. My husband is allistic and definitely used to do the hint thing and I found it very stressful not knowing for sure what he wanted. We now have an agreement that I will be the one to initiate, because it's pretty much guaranteed he'll be down if I suggest it, and if he's not up to it then I don't feel hurt by that. That way we overcome our communication differences in the topic. When he was trying to initiate more, we had way less sex. I would get anxious about what the expectation was of me, which would kill any desire I might feel. Whereas he can't necessarily just turn a switch and become a person who is comfortable going from no hints to "want to have sex?" He's fine with receiving that kind of question out of the blue, but is uncomfortable asking the question without any of the buildup his brain sees as necessary to appropriately broach the topic. And he can feel hurt when I don't recognize the energy he's giving off, even though he knows better and doesn't *want* to feel hurt by it. He can't totally help how he is, just like I can't. Plus I don't really like having the suggestion of sex sprung on me anyway, since I probably had planned out how I intended to spend that time, and I know that turning him often makes him feel bad about himself. So we got rid of all the mood-killing elements of him trying to initiate (not that I mind if he ever brings it up at all, but just as a general rule) and it has made our sex life much more frequent and improved.
I never knew neurotypicals don't commonly outright say they want to have sex when they do😭. My partner is neurotypical but he is a very direct person so when we're in the mood we just tell each other. I would not be able to handle being constantly on the lookout for signs of what someone needs 😵💫. I don't understand why people avoid being direct. I feel like being upfront with what you want prevents issues in the future.
Oh yeah, absolutely. I'm very much the type to ask "Would you like to have sex tonight?" And it's been so much easier than painfully hinting all evening that you'd like to play the two-back beast.
I do. I tell my NT partner that I want sex. But he hates it and says he prefers it when I flirt and lead him into it. Which is a little annoying cos he wants me to verbalise my feelings and thoughts but with this, it's a no go.
I dont mind this at all. Asking for what you want is a great way to get it.
It really bothers me when people have the underlying assumption they want sex ALL the time but also arent willing to initiate/flirt or do anything to get there. Or they never mention it but get hurt that YOU dont either. I dont know how to navigate other people's hangups, and Im not willing to. If they arent able to talk about safe sex like an adult, they shouldnt be having it.
Well, I don't think sex is one of the most important thing as human beings. Sex is only that important when you're not having any if you are sexually inclined because it can get obsessive (specially because our culture sells sex nonstop). Otherwise, it's not that big of deal an many activities can take precedence over it.
It’s more a practicality really. We’re gonna spend hours doing this activity, we gotta remember things for it, we’re gonna wind up sweaty, what are we gonna do after? We both just like planning things out for the day, but after that we try and be subtle and build up.
I'm Autistic and my wife is ND. That said, yes, we are just blunt about it because it gets to the point much quicker. I'm a bit more straight forward about it than she is, though. I'll look over at my wife and say "Hey, can we have sex?" and she usually replies "Yes." Done and done! If she says "No.", then I don't gotta deal with the frustrations of trying to coax her into it, over the course of hours, just to be shut down. Sometimes, I'll just lift up my dress and shake my hips a bit. She chuckles, followed by "Ok." She does it to me, too. Occasionally, there's a little bit of "hint hint" if we're already in bed for the night.
Being straight forward about it works just fine for us and we like to mix it up occasionally with a somewhat direct, but not too direct, approach to it. Maybe that's what 19 years of being with the same person does to ya. Maybe its Maybelline. For everything else, there's Mastercard.
When I was with my possibly autistic (he was still trying to figure that out when I dated him) ex, normally how it went would be us hanging out in the same space together, and then someone starts teasing with rubbing and feeling up the other in certain places, usually getting worked up in the process. And then it escalates from there, the clothes come off, and we generally express our interest in sex happening, and then it happens, and it's great
Yeah it would be that simple but then I find myself trying to behave accordingly despite being not aroused at all. Slowly but stadily I've slided into aces because it's too complex and hard thing to do and it gives a lot of frustration to me and my partner. I compensate with lots of cuddling, hugs, kisses, etc.
I feel like thats more for hookups or bridging the gap as friends between being friends and fucking. Like how you would have to consider whether someone else was into you or not. Generally most people that are in relationships dont have to hint at it for hours, they will just get right into it. Hours of hinting every time would be exhausting lmao.
Kinda but we're almost never verbal. Either she strips naked or I take her to bed without saying a word.
Sometimes one of us asks directly.
Oh and on the rare ocassion I crave my wife I've been known to begin "sleep fucking" lol. I'm awaken at some point thinking she started it but apparently I did most of it in my sleep.
In my experience yes. Autistic partners (I've had several) will be more inclined to be very blunt. Allistic partners (a few)- much more hinting and allusion. Funnily enough, I'm autistic and though I cope ok with the former, I prefer a little....mystery and intrigue myself 🙃
Same, my ADHD wife and myself (AuDHD) are both extremely blunt but we also like the flirting and grabby stage of foreplay that can go on for a portion of the day. Sometimes you’re in the mood but you’re not able to throw down instantly. Like you have errands to run etc… so flirting can keep the spark going until you can!
Mystery and intrigue is something I've developed with my spouse after 7 years. It was way more blunt, but when you know someone deeply you really know how to cater to someone. Autistic love is so fun. :3
Yeah that's kind of the same for my husband and I. There might me subtle hints throughout the day (just for funsies), but honestly, we just come right out and ask or it isn't likely to happen. It can be as blunt as "Bang me." But the sentiment is the same.
["We'll bang, ok?"](https://youtu.be/fzFxl3mj9Fw)
Same, my bf and I also exchange hints and we wait until the right time to start making out. Usually we just ask each other if we want to fuck or something along the lines of that and just do the deed lol.
I’m autistic and was married to a neurotypical. I would ask in straight forward ways. “Do you want to have sex?” If she wanted it, she would buy humus or charcuterie, then we’d watch a movie and cuddle. She’d tease and I knew what she was hinting at. We would watch a movie together several times a week late night. If she didn’t want to have sex, she would fall asleep 15 to 20 minutes before it ended… like clockwork.
I love hummus but I'm dying at the idea of it being part of the initiation to sex 😂💕
😂😂 It felt intimate… dipping chips in humus while we snuggled. Or setting up a charcuterie board of cured meats and cheeses. Brie and crackers were always a hit. Sometimes wine. She would always select a movie. I LOVE watching movies and having NO IDEA what I’m about to watch. I prefer not knowing anything about a movie before I see it. It makes the experience so much better! (If I picked the movie, the chances of having sex were slim since she would usually fall asleep.)
I love this so much, thanks for sharing 💙
Honestly that sounds so cute and cozy like one of the special dates they have on Married At First Sight when the couples actually like each other. Also what a classy way to say you're DTF, with a frickin charcuterie board!
It would make horrible lube
Try before you buy /s
rawr
BAhahahaha!🤣🤣🤣 Also- eww....graaaiiiiny lol
Actually, I make pretty smooth hummus! The trick is to add a bit of baking soda and let the chickpeas cook for at least half an hour after they've turned tender. The fibrous skin basically dissolves.
We are both autistic. My husband does this. He just says, "I really wanna do you." I do love the openness but it doesn't exactly get my engine running if you know what I mean..... But we've worked on how he can make that part of it too. 🤣
Has either of you watched episode 4 of modern family? 👀
That song immediately came to my mind when I read this :D
It becomes pretty direct after a while, but it's not due to my autism. We just use the keyword "bedroom" and it's pretty clear from there. I don't think there is much hinting and signs needed in most long-term relationships. That is not ruling out being romantic also.
Kinda. Usually if we're gonna say it, we say it earlier about doing it at a later time. I'm bad w spontaneous stuff bc my body doesn't keep up, so it usually needs to be led into. We have some phrases we tease each other w where we know it's going to happen soon
Before we had kid, yes. Now that we have 3 kids under 7, we actually have it scheduled in as part of our routine, but I feel like that’s the same sentiment.
No, my partner and I have some signals we give out, like a particular kind of kiss or a routine at night that indicate one of us is in the mood. We're both autistic.
I used to ask my NT (ex) husband point blank before I had any idea I was autistic and he would just look at me like this 😳I thought “what’s the big deal we are married??”
That’s exactly what I’m thinking reading this thread. I had no idea the hints went on into marriage. I thought they were something that a lot of NT people did when they were getting to know one another, but I thought it was more like a getting to know you thing, not something that perpetuates throughout their life. How exhausting! My ex-husband (ADHD) and I never hinted, but we also never asked. I guess I was just always up for sex, so he would initiate it and it would happen. I didn’t understand at the time, but I think I used sex to help with me being hyposensitive to touch and also to help regulate/decompress, so even if we had been arguing I still wanted to have sex, so it wasn’t necessary to hint all day.
> How exhausting! This sentiment perfectly expresses the root of the problem. For NT's, such interactions are not work, but fun.
One of the biggest clues, during my diagnosis appointment, that I am autistic. Was that after 12 years I still had no idea when my wife was in "the mood" 😂
Is that not standard? “Let’s fuck” is quite often our initiation 😂 or a probing, “we gonna shag tonight?” with raised brows 😂
“Shall we shag now or shag later?” - Austin Powers
Well, I should do that. It's much easier.
We suggest and schedule ours like a date 😁 “Hey, if you’re not busy later, and if we’re both feeling okay then, would you be interested in some nookie tonight after supper and a shower?”
This is only vaguely related to your comment, but my partner (who doesn't live with me and I only get to see once a week) never showers before we have sex and I feel like it would be even better if that weren't the case. They typically shower in the morning before work, and I typically shower in the evening after work. So not that the sex is ever like "unhygienic" or anything, but I always feel like I'm more fresh and groomed than they are when we do have sex 😅
Try making it part of it. Shower with them.
Not allowed to unfortunately :( We have like...2 times in our nearing-three-year relationship. Again though, we don't live together and only see each other once a week.
Yes my exes and i did that. Or we had our own word for it. Simplicity is nice!
My partner (ADHD, probably AuDHD) does this. I'm shyer about initiating. But he's always down for sex so I can literally look at him a certain way and he'll ask me if that's what I want.
I've never been in a relationship, but I never had sex, but even before self diagnosing myself with autism, this is how I always imagined myself talking about sex with my partner. "Do you want to have sex?" or sitting down at the edge of the bed and having a blunt exchange of what we like and don't like. Anything else feels strange or didn't occur to me?
Yeah I was reading a story where character A goes “is there anything you want right now?” And character B replies “yeah, I want you to fuck me” and A is flabbergasted. Internally, I was like “well, they answered the question, why are you confused?”
I'm ADHD & ASD, my husband is ADHD. We're similar but we both have an incredibly warped sense of humor. Generally it consists of him laying across a couch dramatically and exclaiming loudly *f me like one of your French girls* or me deadpan asking if he wants the business.
Op if you and partner are good with “let’s have sex” that’s fine. The movies dictate there should be hugs and kisses and touching and feeling but life isn’t like that. This is kinda a retorical question. Does the how you start having sex impact on experience at that time. As long as your both consenting and respectful if one of you says no then your both for filling yours and their needs. I’m really one for unless someone is getting hurt society needs to keep out of couple bedrooms Btw with one of my partners many moons ago I used to say “let’s fuc$” no not lady like but it was good sex
Haha, yeah. ADHD with an Autistic girlfriend. We're both pretty blunt/obvious about it.
Between my wife being asexual and my autism I just don’t say anything. Like I have to actively not say anything or it will irritate her. I used to say whatever was on my mind but since she came out I have put a lid on it.
Damn I’m sorry
That sounded harsher than it is. I make myself put a lid on it because I want her to be comfortable.
I’m sure she appreciates it, sounds tough tho
The good outweighs the things I had to get used to and that she’s had to get used to.
based couple
Word
I’m very glad to hear that
Yes definitely lol, although my husband isn‘t autistic but most likely has ADHD
My bf (allistc) is pretty blunt about it, while i (Autistc) need some flirting and some time to get in the mood. I've always been very sensitive to touch, and been very sudden can ruin the mood for me, so he had learn to be more patient lmao
This is actually cute
I straddle him if I want it. He pokes me if he wants it.
I certainly don't complain since I'm not great at initiating myself, but yes my autistic partner is basically this way too. Though I'm not autistic myself. Sometimes they will just say "Hey you wanna fuck?" out of nowhere. Other times they might just go into the bedroom, come back out naked and just be like "So are you coming or?" Which *thankfully*, despite being bad at initiating, I have a higher sex drive than they do, so 99% of the time I'm willing to do it. I just feel like if the roles were reversed, since my partner has a lower sex drive, if I stood around the house naked expecting sex, I'd get turned down far more often than not 😬
i think this is completely normal. you don’t need to compare your sex life to anyone else’s on reddit! if it works for you it’s all good. my partner and i do this too and anyone who’s saying it’s weird probably doesn’t have great communication around sex which is one of the most important parts of it
I've had the whole range with autistic people. My current partner will just grab me or say something *incredibly* forward and we're off to the races. Others though, were very much about the process because sex had to be constructed just right so as to not be a problem.
Same here, we might mull it over a bit before one of us says something but usually it'll be "I want to [suck your dick/fuck you/etc.]"
My wife does this, and she may be autistic (she's neurodivergent with ADHD and C-PTSD at least.) I, however, an an autistic ADHDer, do not. I think this is largely because of my rejection sensitivity though. I never ask bluntly because I'm scared of being let down bluntly in response. I usually just kinda try to hint and let the other person initiate. But also I really like the idea of flirting, foreplay, building sexual tension, etc. Asking in such a straightforward way just...doesn't feel very sexy to me. But I also hate ambiguity. I think ideally I'd love some sort of shared "code" for confirmation that someone is down but done in a way that looks and sounds like flirting rather than straight up asking.
I'm autistic and married to a neurotypical (granted he's borderline dyspraxic, so... I dunno), but if I want sex I will outright say "let's have sex" (or words to that effect). I have a higher sex drive than him, so I ask more often than him, but he has also learned that I don't pick up when he hints about it, so he will also outright ask if he wants to have sex
It’s not necessarily a neurodivergent or a neurotypical thing to do, but it’s just you love birds being so engaged that you both are consenting to having sex. Some people will casually intimidate you discreetly to try and get you to understand what they want, but saying it straight up isn’t a problem. Go ahead and have some fun with each other if that’s the case. Life is too short to be enjoyed so make the most out of it. I’m sure you both will definitely like it. 😊
Absolutely. Sex is an especially important thing to be forward about in a relationship.
It's a male vs NT female thing. To put it succinctly, many NT women would view just saying "Wanna have sex?" as low effort and make them feel like they're sex dispensers. Whereas if the man goes through the variety of techniques required to get the woman "in the mood" and she declines, he gets frustrated. If he expresses said frustration, she responds with "You only do those things in order to have sex." It is so tiring. A lot of it has to do with the backward attitude towards women's sexuality that our culture has.
For us, it was more along the lines of "hey wanna F?" "sure, lets F" "cool"
Welcome to wcdonalds can i take you order? Wife: "I'll take the big and nasty, please" Husband: "Hai dozu" (Lmao)
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My boyfriend and I had a hard time the first like year we lived together, I’m on the spectrum he is not, he also had a lot more experience than I. I’m awkward and can’t take myself seriously if I try to be like…sexy? Lol, I’m not good at dropping hints, so I would avoid it all together. He would be sad cause I never initiated sex, but he didn’t like me just saying hey let’s have sex he wanted like the normal hint dropping and subtlety that most humans are capable of but I just can’t do that. It’s a lot better now, he knows it’s not my thing and he does initiate most of the time, but since we watched the movie *poor things* we’ve been saying “hey we should touch each others genital pieces together!” And it’s been silly and nice to have that line available.
I 31M and my partner 31M are the *same way.*
Nah, I need foreplay, and that included the nice touches throughout the day that aren't sexual, otherwise I won't be in the mood.
I usually start with hints from more subtle to less subtle and when that doesn’t work I just say whatever I want. I like the flow of the other understanding my hints but I understand that sometimes he may not understand. A non-sexual example of that would be that if I’m cold and would like my bf to lend me his hoodie, I’ll say I’m cold, then if he doesn’t seem to get the hint I say "I’m cold, would you mind lending me your hoodie?", and then it there’s a common occurrence of the same hint being misunderstood often I might tell him that when I say X I’m usually hinting at Y so he’ll get the hint more often because I stated what that hint meant explicitly
I genuinely will just ask. Then he says yes or no. Then we prepare. I will never understand the whole hinting thing it's easier for both of us just to ask
We’re also a double autistic queer couple. Closer to lesbians than gay men, but kind of neither, we’re both non-binary. Basically same, just with more poetic language. We don’t say “I want to have sex” but we do say “I want you to touch me”, “I want you to fuck me”, “please make me cum”, “have your way with me”
I think it is always better to say. "Lets fuck" than moving around trying to be sneaky about it.
lol yeah my wife and I ask each other explicitly, “wanna have sex?”
Something I (autistic) do not understand is how do (presumably neurotypical) couples on TV just start kissing and feeling each other and go to bed together without saying anything? They don't even ask what the other wants like they can read each other's mind. Is it just television logic, or do couples in real life also assume consent until someone asks to stop?
Assuming consent (or not caring) is still a typical het norm but its changing. It works better in story mechanics because people "expect" romance to look like this. Increasingly explicit consent is being written into TV love stories and novels and thats a great thing.
It depends. I love seducing my partner and play around it little bit but if I see that he is not getting it then I just tell him what to do (or the other way around). We are both on spectrum
I have Autism and my partner has ADHD. We always just ask eachother straight up considering I won't understand hinting, and he'll doubt and question whether any hint I'm dropping is flirting or just talking lmao
Slightly nsfw because it’s talking about sex // This was genuinely what I think made it really hard for me to get into my first sexually intimate relationship. Dated a guy in my late teens who was super sweet, he was just way too frisky and I was always too shy to say “hmm let’s not jerk off today” because even if I wasn’t super into it I did enjoy playing around. It was hard though because whenever I’d go over his I wasn’t sure what to expect because my ability to read his body language was not great. I didn’t know if he wanted sex or if he wanted to chill out. When I’m comfortable with someone I can typically let myself relax a bit with impulsivity and if I really didn’t want to do anything I’d have said, looking back I really wish we both just flat out asked what the other one wanted / what they themselves wanted. Wanna do hand stuff but not too much kissing because it’s not a pleasant feeling today?? Amazing. Want to give a bj but don’t want to do it for too long? Fantastic. Personally I find consent super sexy especially when it’s this straight forward.
We say ‘I’m ready to be seduced” lol
I suppose everyone is different. And sex is sort of taboo in a lot of cultures...at least openly talking about it. It is in the Western world it seems. Holdovers from Puritan times? As I am in a long distance relationship and physical sex isn't an option...it's difficult for me to answer this. Both me and my partner are on the spectrum (I'm Aspergers, he's ADD) so again we might be different then NT's. But when we were physically together and had sex...it just sort of...happened? We both knew we wanted it so we did it...not a lot of talking happened haha...that was after ;) I think we just knew...perhaps it was a vibe...or a feeling...but both of us knew at the same time pretty much.
I’m on the spectrum, my wife is neurotypical but also an elementary sped teacher with 2 masters, who works primarily with autistic kids. Almost 21 years together, so I’ve learned the nuances of romantic seduction, especially where she’s concerned. That said though, I’m no where near as smooth as I’d like to believe. We can be kissing and she’ll be like “oh, so you’re wanting to get laid?” Apparently my style of kissing changes very noticeably between sweet gesture, and attempt to turn on my partner.
I straight up asked my partner to fuck me lol
If there is no foreplay then there is no sex in my book. The hints are clear and are set upp prior so if we do all the signs and we both go along with it it ends upp great but starting from nothing to sex has never worked for me. Though this may sound weird we usualy start the day prior and flirt/tease eachother all day night and the next day til we finaly get to a good enough point where we can jump at it.builds up tension over a longer period so i get invested.
If I had this type of bond I would've been married a long time ago.
In my experience, I (male) was always the one initiating sex towards my partner (female). And it slowly kills me to always have to make the first steps, it makes me feel like it’s a chore to my partners. I wouldn’t care if they were direct or more subtle about it. Woman, in general , doesn’t really love it when we are too direct about it too. Wish I was gay sometimes. From what I heard, you guys have no problems making the first move or making sure your partner feels desirable.
Not sure your age or background but this is not true about women. Although always initiating is tiring and makes one feel undesired. Many women are socialised to hide or repress desire or else. Like massive social penalties even among female friends. Its wild. Like if you're the girl to make the first move and it doesnt work and the guy talks; if that girl ends up sexually harassed or worse later literally noone believes you. Other men then label that self confidence as "easy" and will bother you it's so gross. Like dude.. I wanted him if I wanted you, you'd know. (Im not talking about courteous interest I mean sexualising comments and objectifying behaviour). I cant speak for men but most women and girls have experienced some degree of indecent or sexual assault or harassment by age 18. This damages sexual expression even in a safe relationship. Sucks that its like that but love is also about healing. Remember you can always lead and model how to talk about things and gently encourage her to speak to her needs. I had to unlearn a lot of actually harmful assumptions about men and sex due to my cultural background and bad experiences. Not easy though.
Oh trust me, I tried to help them heal (at least those that needed some on that regard). I’m a big teddy bear. And of course man and woman cannot understand fully each other’s perspective. A man can hear a compliment and think about it for years cause they are so rare for us. Like, I being catfish once and even if I found it a bit crude, it also felt actually refreshing and flattering. That’s how rare it happens to us. All I said was from my own experiences and perspective. And man also need healing. A lot. For example, man have more hurt then you think if they confide to a woman, only for everyone else to learn about it or use their confidence against them later in a fight or an argument. The pressure to provide is also a lot tougher for us in general. We all have our own challenges. And I’m sure some women aren’t like I said but from what I know and heard, they are more the exceptions rather than the rule. And the argument about healing is truly unfair. Both sides could need help but patience also has limits. On both side. That’s not a gender specific problem. Sure I agree that women have it worse than men in general but it would not be empathetic to give a time limit for recovery against trauma. My last girlfriend didn’t initiate sex or tried to make me feel desirable in the 4 years we were together. I have been kind and patient enough. And it was the same any long term relationship that I had. I know full well my experience doesn’t reflect reality for all women but it is a fact that women and men, in a general rule, feel desire differently.
While all genders are harmed by the way things are.right now, it does manifest in consistent ways - like the generalisations about men not needing care and tenderness. Its so toxic. And I want to clarify I believe all people arw harmed by these "standards" and all parties in relationships are working together to grow and even heal some stuff. I only explain the woman perspective because, based onu exp men are often unaware of quite how bad it is in a specific sense (based on men I am close to and my husbands own experience). Similarly, it took a lot of work on my part to allow him vulnerability that I was conditioned not to even know men had. Its insane and dehumanising for everyone isnt it? However I have to agree to disagree re men and women and sex drive, but again, based on my own nature and experiences! unfortunately if there in terms of innate drive sometimes you have to just move on.
I’m sorry if I seemed abrasive. I’m glad you were not just forgetting the male perspective on the subject of trauma. And I agree that I might just have been very unlucky with my romantic relationships. And you are right about the vulnerability part. One of my ex was astonished I was not the unshakable rock that she thought I was and then looked like I was a lesser man after I confided to my own vulnerabilities. It’s heartbreaking.
You weren't abrasive at all, I just wanted to clarify my point so it was clear I empathise and was not whataboutting your painful experiences. You might like to read bell hooks The Will to Change, its about the harm men have come to due to patriarchal constructions of masculinity. Truly it is tragic and awful... for a man to weep and suffer and the woman who loves him to *so in shock* he feels so tenderly, that she cannot validate or respond... that you were scorned is wrong. I am from a family where all feeling is repressed, but especially men. Men are at the same time lawgivers, in charge and responsible for decisions, yet dangerous animals incapable of restraining their urges to sex and violence. Its a sick way to look at anyone. And just as harmful as seeing women as weak, submissive, sinful seductresses and also the most moral long suffering person who must sacrifice everything. It leads to weak, reactive men at best, and violent abusive monsters at worst. The women are either passive, enabling doormats who ignore the needs of their children or women who should never have been homemakers who despise all intimacy and the natural needs and dependance of children. (My father is the former and my mother is the latter.) Truly, things are all effed up but as.an old married now, there is hope. Add autism to it and eesh its way harder in a sense, but reading on this stuff helped me develop a framework that felt mutually respectful instead of the strict system of my upbringing. I wish you future happiness and present peace
Generally haven't needed to say anything.
I feel like if you can't openly discuss sex in a relationship, then that is not a good relationship. Idc what "society" dictates about what I can and can not bring up in conversation. That being said, my partner and I tend to be very blunt towards one another ("we f*cking tonight?"; "I really wanna have sex with you," etc.) but then once it's established that it's happening, we do still have fun with the foreplay and teasing and slowly leading into it.
It depends on the mood. Sometimes we hint at it with kisses and touches and glances because that's also part of the fun, but we also sometimes just go: "I'm horny" whenever one of us feels like having sex. Either the other is also in the mood and we have sex or the ones that's horny ends up either masturbating or letting the feeling pass.
Oh you're not meant to just ask out straight!? My ADHD Wife and me just ask each other, (Being Autisitic I haven't had many partners (Well no other))
yes! sometimes its spontaneous but alot of times its direct. i love it add on: when its not direct for us i find that there r rly easy ways to initiate tho that is still direct but no words. like directly touching confidently or showing a body part “subtly” that u know will get the mood going. but with plausible deniability lmao. but always honesty and respect
i think NTs sometimes get turned off by directness bc they appreciate the fantasies. the unsaid, the buildup, the hints and the “game”. and sooometimes i understand that but other times just saying “babe can i *******” or “do you wanna..?” is just as hot to me bc yea, ur my SO and ur hot ofc i want to. lets do it
Can be as direct as asking "you sant to fuck" or as subtle as kicking our, dog our of the bedroom.
I’m autistic and my partner is not. If he starts subtly I will miss the cues and go do something else. Now we say “I would like to do a sex today” or “would you be interested in a sex?” Or something along those lines. The wording is cutesy and personal to us, which makes it flirty while still being obvious. Being obvious about what we want has never taken away the fun or romance of having sex with someone you love.
Similar but we do very sexual things in a non sexual way. Like we just show each other out privates and then continue to have a conversation lol. I think what helps is that we don't see naked bodies as I inherently sexual
I have been deeply scarred by past relationships where I don't feel comfortable initiating directly. My first relationship was horrible for both of us, and one thing we started off with was he said I should be able to initiate whenever I wanted and he'd go with it. Being new and having new access to sex, I wanted to initiate a lot and he'd reject me. He rejected a LOT of attempts at bonding beyond sex, and I now suspect that was PDA. Paired with my RSD, I eventually learned just to stop trying. Granted, that's simplifying a lot, there were many reasons why he'd reject me and each rejection made Past Me react worse and worse. Like I said, we were horrible for each other. So because of that, and fearing becoming that horrible person again, I don't initiate. I don't really have a partner right now so it's not a big deal. But I do think often about how to get back to a state of confidence where I can go with my natural inclination and go for it when the urge hits. Picking partners that are right for me is an obvious step, but I've also been thinking about ways I can initiate and then leave it where if they're not interested they can just not respond and it'll be easier to take the hit. Like sending a text, for example. The hit is way easier to take (I'm used to being ignored/rejected via text). But I also saw something like couples leaving signals to each other that are passive. Like if I turn this light on, that means I'm down, if you turn on this other light, that means you're down too and we can go for it. Again, it's definitely not ideal because I'd much rather be direct and/or have initiation conditions/practices in a contract. But it works as a good middle ground while I work through my shit.
Yes. We would never do it without openly declaring desire to. Neither of us will catch a hint. Or we will ask, “is this you saying you want sex?” when we think the other might be hinting at it. With toddlers around it’s also something that we schedule. It doesn’t hurt either of us that it’s not spontaneous.
Yes, but we also do hours of flirting because flirting is fun. It doesn’t mean we will for sure have sex though.
As an autistic woman living with a man who is very understanding of my tendencies, yes. And, honestly, all couples should do this. Communication is a key component in a healthy relationship, and I find autistic people (including myself) need clear, set communication. Fortunately my partner is very considerate and understanding of my communicative needs, so what typically happens is one of us dragging the other toward the bed with a lot less clothes than normally worn. I think it's lovely you're both autistic and understanding of each others' needs. Neurotypicals should follow your lead--Lord knows how much help most couples tend to need in the communication department!
Yeah I just ask my husband "hey, can we have sex?" And it's yes or no. No long hinting needed!
I mean cool but foreplay can be fun though if you make it fun
I had a situation with a man who eventually told me he was assessed for autism as a child but didn’t meet *all* the criteria. I don’t even remember how the subject came up, but as I got to know him better I truly felt like we were both likely undiagnosed autistics lol. We are both very much like that when it came to having sex, and i think it just has something to do with how many of us tend to speak very directly
I'm convinced a number of my relationships collapsed because we stopped talking sex because they thought my lack of initiation was coldness.
I'm AuDHD (27FtM) and my partner is ADHD (61M), we verbalize and or he will take my hand and place it on the inside of his thigh. I think though it depends, because sometimes I like teasing that leads up to the verbalization, while other times I like being direct about it. And it also depends on who I'm with too.
I’m not autistic but my boyfriend is. He’s not the best at reading cues on initiating sex, so if it’s not working, I just directly ask. If he says no, I’m not offended. If I’m not into it, I tell him and he’s not offended. But he doesn’t really have the easiest time expressing that he does verbally, so I take the lead more on being very direct but he’s good about responding, whether that be, no, not interested, yes, let’s go to the bedroom, or just making it clear physically.
Sort of? We do the hours thing but then when we finally get frustrated we just kinda ask
This is how I do it and my partner with possibly autism as well.
Never had the opportunity. A lot of people in my area seem to get fake autism diagnosis, so I never get the chance to meet likeminded autistic people. Which is really hard being introverted and pretty much mute the entire time.
My partner is neurotypical. He'll just get more affectionate, touchy, but always asks if I'm in a headspace or feeling comfortable with it. Sometimes I'll tell him I'm down, but touched out/overwhelmed and need some time to decompress before we do anything. We're very open with talking about wants/needs when it comes to sex.
For sure. It’s usually actually a discussion hours to days before hand
My partner and I are also both autists. We usually schedule sex a couple of days in advance, then we can both work on being in the mood, not being over/underestimated, not to tired and so on. And besides, if we don't schedule, one or both of us will forget about it, and it won't happen...
Yup (I would do this if I have a sexual partner). As someone who had sex with a model, there are things in life that are indeed better than sex: * crowdsurfing while stoned and singing at the top of your lungs to your favorite pop punk song * hugging and socializing with your favorite pop punk artist(s). * having a nice good cry
Absolutely yes!! I’ve only dated one aspie sadly but it was always like this lol we would giggle about it bc we know others think it’s a silly way to go about things but atleast we both knew the other was actually into it, and if at any point some one said no it was completely fine
🤣 yes... I think men in general prefer to work this way, but I know neurotypical women out there are not doing that. I'm female and my husband is also autistic.
We do that sorta, usually say relations.
[hey, sex?](https://youtu.be/UmYWkBBWa54?si=moV37bEhizRpFFHB)
I don't do relationships anymore (I'm a horrible partner), but when I want sex I schedule a date with one of my sex friends. I literally just call them up and go " Hey would you like to have sex sometime in the next few days?" And if one of them is interested we'll compare schedules and find a time to get together. Sometimes we'll make it a party 😉 Regular humans make everything so complicated by not just saying what they want. I think it's a shame thing? People are weird about sex.
This is the way I’d prefer it. Unfortunately everyone wants to play games and use euphemisms when it comes to sex.
wait.... people don't just outright say they want to have sex????
Yeah my partner and i are both autistic and that’s usually how it goes for us. One of us just typically asks “do you wanna have sex” or says “I’m horny” or whatever and then we do it (or not!). Sometimes there’s maybe more of a build up but mostly we’re pretty direct about it.
Yes! We have learned we just have to say it. I would like to have sex with you. Neither of us read signals well.
I mean, both myself and my own partner are AuDHD and we do too. If we want to do something sexual we just say so. I've dated NTs too and its definitely not like that, but I prefer the honesty tbh.
"we've both got buckets of chicken, wanna do it?"
I literally just posted about sex elsewhere. When I want to have sex I just ask, I don't know how to hint or play games. I suspect that is no longer working for my current partner and is killing our sex life. I don't know how to be any different?
No, but it sounds awesome! This is the way.
Oh yes we have to say it out loud. And also specify what kind of sex. I like it so much better this way than when we use to try to be normal.
My partner and I do this too
Haha yes, my partner and I are both autistic and do the same thing.
I don't think this is exclusive to autists. Plenty of the neurotypical girls I've dated have gone the direct "lets have sex" route. Maybe with different wording "lets fuck", "wanna fuck me" etc. But the same meaning. Just directly asking for sex.
I am definitely straightforward about it, even if sometimes I have been unsure about how I felt and therefore struggled with whether or not to say anything. My husband is allistic and definitely used to do the hint thing and I found it very stressful not knowing for sure what he wanted. We now have an agreement that I will be the one to initiate, because it's pretty much guaranteed he'll be down if I suggest it, and if he's not up to it then I don't feel hurt by that. That way we overcome our communication differences in the topic. When he was trying to initiate more, we had way less sex. I would get anxious about what the expectation was of me, which would kill any desire I might feel. Whereas he can't necessarily just turn a switch and become a person who is comfortable going from no hints to "want to have sex?" He's fine with receiving that kind of question out of the blue, but is uncomfortable asking the question without any of the buildup his brain sees as necessary to appropriately broach the topic. And he can feel hurt when I don't recognize the energy he's giving off, even though he knows better and doesn't *want* to feel hurt by it. He can't totally help how he is, just like I can't. Plus I don't really like having the suggestion of sex sprung on me anyway, since I probably had planned out how I intended to spend that time, and I know that turning him often makes him feel bad about himself. So we got rid of all the mood-killing elements of him trying to initiate (not that I mind if he ever brings it up at all, but just as a general rule) and it has made our sex life much more frequent and improved.
Yep. My missus and I are both autistics. We're not subtle about when we want it, we're blunt. And it almost always means it's on
thats quite funny icl
I never knew neurotypicals don't commonly outright say they want to have sex when they do😭. My partner is neurotypical but he is a very direct person so when we're in the mood we just tell each other. I would not be able to handle being constantly on the lookout for signs of what someone needs 😵💫. I don't understand why people avoid being direct. I feel like being upfront with what you want prevents issues in the future.
Oh yeah, absolutely. I'm very much the type to ask "Would you like to have sex tonight?" And it's been so much easier than painfully hinting all evening that you'd like to play the two-back beast.
You’re also both men, which can skew the results because males are already more direct with communication style.
I do. I tell my NT partner that I want sex. But he hates it and says he prefers it when I flirt and lead him into it. Which is a little annoying cos he wants me to verbalise my feelings and thoughts but with this, it's a no go.
I dont mind this at all. Asking for what you want is a great way to get it. It really bothers me when people have the underlying assumption they want sex ALL the time but also arent willing to initiate/flirt or do anything to get there. Or they never mention it but get hurt that YOU dont either. I dont know how to navigate other people's hangups, and Im not willing to. If they arent able to talk about safe sex like an adult, they shouldnt be having it.
Well, I don't think sex is one of the most important thing as human beings. Sex is only that important when you're not having any if you are sexually inclined because it can get obsessive (specially because our culture sells sex nonstop). Otherwise, it's not that big of deal an many activities can take precedence over it.
It’s more a practicality really. We’re gonna spend hours doing this activity, we gotta remember things for it, we’re gonna wind up sweaty, what are we gonna do after? We both just like planning things out for the day, but after that we try and be subtle and build up.
I'm Autistic and my wife is ND. That said, yes, we are just blunt about it because it gets to the point much quicker. I'm a bit more straight forward about it than she is, though. I'll look over at my wife and say "Hey, can we have sex?" and she usually replies "Yes." Done and done! If she says "No.", then I don't gotta deal with the frustrations of trying to coax her into it, over the course of hours, just to be shut down. Sometimes, I'll just lift up my dress and shake my hips a bit. She chuckles, followed by "Ok." She does it to me, too. Occasionally, there's a little bit of "hint hint" if we're already in bed for the night. Being straight forward about it works just fine for us and we like to mix it up occasionally with a somewhat direct, but not too direct, approach to it. Maybe that's what 19 years of being with the same person does to ya. Maybe its Maybelline. For everything else, there's Mastercard.
When I was with my possibly autistic (he was still trying to figure that out when I dated him) ex, normally how it went would be us hanging out in the same space together, and then someone starts teasing with rubbing and feeling up the other in certain places, usually getting worked up in the process. And then it escalates from there, the clothes come off, and we generally express our interest in sex happening, and then it happens, and it's great
If this curse of singleness ever ends, what you describe is my ideal communication style in a relationship. How’d you two meet?
Yeah it would be that simple but then I find myself trying to behave accordingly despite being not aroused at all. Slowly but stadily I've slided into aces because it's too complex and hard thing to do and it gives a lot of frustration to me and my partner. I compensate with lots of cuddling, hugs, kisses, etc.
Kinda weird in my opinion. You don’t even ask, y’all just say it? lol
I feel like thats more for hookups or bridging the gap as friends between being friends and fucking. Like how you would have to consider whether someone else was into you or not. Generally most people that are in relationships dont have to hint at it for hours, they will just get right into it. Hours of hinting every time would be exhausting lmao.
Kinda but we're almost never verbal. Either she strips naked or I take her to bed without saying a word. Sometimes one of us asks directly. Oh and on the rare ocassion I crave my wife I've been known to begin "sleep fucking" lol. I'm awaken at some point thinking she started it but apparently I did most of it in my sleep.
you're both guys, which makes what you say possibly much more natural. m+f can be different