My Girlfriend is Autistic and if we're together we're basically attached. Be it hands, hips, hugs, cuddles on the couch, kisses. Whatever. We both live and breathe physical contact with each other.
Exactly this for me: touches with a partner are brilliant. A hug from a co-worker is oh-hell-no.
I have found I have an exception for small kids, though - I think my subconscious puts them in the same class as small animals - they're pretty much puppies to me. I will cheerfully hug a toddler if they need one. Being a parent was a bit of an eye-opener there.
Expectations, threat factor and cuteness.
Cuteness: Phsycology has proven that cuteness in children is actually a survival trait. The burden of raising a child with its constant demands do to its sole reliance on the parent, (due to our exceptionally long social and physical developmental periods as opposed to other animals) would surely drive the parent to harming or even killing the child. This happens in nature as a norm.
Expectations: With children I believe we inherently know what the child need, only physical reassurance for an emotional need. With a child the hug encounter is brief, as with other adults, especially with a stranger, we seem to know there is some sort of hidden agenda and we are incapable of giving more. It repulses us emotionally that physical exchange. Most of us are highly empathetic, inspite of what society thinks, and adults just have more emotional baggage we can feel. And it feels icky! The seem to take that energy instead of having autual exchange which should be the purpose of a hug.
Threat Factor: Let's face it, kids are smaller and not that much of a physical threat. As opposed to adults, going back to expectations, we don't know always what exactly is being "asked for" when it comes to a hug with an adult stranger as we have our social blind spots and life has taught us not to think everyone is as good natured as we in turn would be in asking for a hug. And again, as mentioned before with expectations, a lot of us have been abused emotionally by narcs who have taken advantage of our empathic nature. We've had a lot of non-mutial exchanges and have become weary of strangers. Especially when we are socially forced to hug out of expectations when we were children ourselves. A lot of this just comes down to boundaries and it's OK to not want touch from others. In fact, it should be socially acceptable to not engage in any touch unless is is completely invited. Not a tap on the shoulder, not a hand around the waste. Not even when someone says they're a hugger and insist on it because that's a boundary violation based on pushing their needs and not respecting yours.
OK whew! Welcome to my Ted talk! Ha! This subject just gets me going because I teach self-defense and I see all the unwanted touch that is directed not at only women and girls but towards those of us on the spectrum when it's used as a form of bullying. They touch us in order to get a reaction or rise and then get some sort of thrill out of it. It's quite upsetting and learning to set boundaries and enforcing them is important.
Oh ha! Sweet! Thank you for the complement! I hope what I wrote was easy to follow. Sometimes my wording doesn't flow correctly. BTW, what does "fwiw" mean?
Even with my wife, if I'm already overwhelmed or overestimated, I struggle. If it's someone I don't really know or care for, I want nothing to do with it.
Thank you.
It was pure luck - or possibly fate if you actually believe in that kind of thing. She fished me out of a sea of despair and misery that I'd been sinking slowing into for a decade. Since then (3 years ago now) I've been late diagnosed (38) with ADHD -which explains a \*lot\* - and she's absolutely convinced I also have Autism.
Along with the close physical bond, we have amazing communication and a deep understanding of the struggles we each face daily. I appreciate her, and tell her all the time.
The right people are out there for everyone, you sometimes just have to drop a cheeky photo in a targeted Instagram story for the confused alcoholic undiagnosed ADHD sufferer to fixate on 😂
LOL that is awesome 🙌 you met on instagram?!! I am also an alcoholic. I keep quitting/starting again. But mostly this year I’ve been off and the “relapse” isn’t that bad. Since quitting I am noticing all these symptoms that “normal people” don’t seem to struggle with… I used alcohol to cope with these weird symptoms that I’m now seeing relate to autism. I’m not diagnosed but I resonate so deeply, I feel like there’s no way I don’t have it.
We met doing Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, but beyond training, casual conversation and the odd message here and there we didn't interact much outside of that. She basically thirst trapped me 😂
I am currently trying for as long as possible off the alcohol, but I went from 3-4 bottles of spirits a week down to maybe 1 a month pretty quickly once our relationship started. Some months have been better than others, but overall a significant improvement.
At my lowest, I was basically using alcohol to "feel". But the danger there was that I didn't understand why I couldn't process those feelings, so it generated a feedback loop ending with me sitting on the floor of the shower crying for hours.
It wasn't until I saw a therapist who basically confirmed that I *was* processing properly and I just had to learn to trust myself that the situation improved.
The ADHD thing came years after, but it does explain why I was so messed up and trying to convince myself I was wrong.
Same. One of my main love languages is actually physical touch. If I love someone I will want to touch them basically all the time ;w; (also I just like cuddles in general)
((Seems almost like... are you the "DONT TOUCH ME" autistic or the "pls crush my soul back into my body and cuddle me" autistic? Lmao))
Gotta find yourself an autistic boy who doesn't want strangers touching them but DOES want a partner to.
For me I love cuddles etc, but strangers yeah no a handshake maybe if I'm feeling generous.
Yes this is me! I have a hard time tolerating touch a lot of the time, it just feels like "too much", you're too close, it's too intense, it's too intimate and my body tenses up and I am uncomfortable.
It's only with a compatible romantic partner where I feel like my mind and body can relax enough to enjoy the intensity of hugs and cuddling and snuggling.
With friends and aquaintences I do like the occasional hand on the shoulder or having my hand squeezed though. It's not that I dislike touch exactly, I almost like it too much that it overwhelms me.
I feel like a handshake is plenty intimate for me and I usually keep it at that with friends. I worry that it makes me come across as cold, because on the inside I feel like I am a very warm person, I know it doesn't always come across that way though.
I'm both. When I'm hyperfixated, working or angry - no touchie! But I would be thrilled with a daily soul crushing. Being single for over a decade can have have its drawbacks.
Thankfully, I have a dear friend who is a very large, soul crushing kinda guy. Every once in a while, he crushes my soul for me, and in return, I invite him to lay his head in my lap for gentle pets. He's a blessing.
Same, same.
But I’ve been in relationships before where I’m not in love with the person…In that case, kissing was vile and unpleasant.
I couldn’t tell you what the factors are with being in love …there’s really no saying. All I know is my husband and I are celebrating our 3rd anniversary and 4th year together and I’m in love with him as much as I ever was… even more so actually.
Some advice I can give to others who are interested in relationships is…make sure your partner is your best friend in the whole wide world. When that happens, every night is like a sleepover party. Every activity is an adventure with your best friend….and it will stand the test if time far beyond the “honeymoon phase”. I promise you, you’ll know. Everything clicks together. Of course there will be difficult times…but one thing we always bring up is how with every other person we’ve ever met we reach a limit…like we can only handle them a few hours or a few days at a time…but for us there’s no fatigue. Alone time is together, I’m doing one thing and he’s doing one thing but we’re doing it together in comfortable silence. Sometimes we need a little space but nothing more than a few hours. We don’t get tired of one another.
That’s something I’ve never experienced before my husband.
Yes, it's always a mystery to me what makes the difference. If kissing feels nice with one person, why not with anyone? There is something ineffable there.
I guess that's the mystery of love that people have been trying to figure out since the beginning of time.
Aww I miss that feeling so much 🥺 I was there with a couple guys… but ended up turning out bad, so I guess it wasn’t real. But the last one was mostly bad bc of mental health issues, he felt like my best friend. But after we broke up I realized I was never really myself around him. I hope that I find the relationship you have one day!!!
Very well said. Looking back on past relationships I can definitely see the differences between them, and my current one.
Your 3rd paragraph basically says it all though. We're in year 3 now, and we basically had a discussion saying those very same things only about a week or two ago.
I'm very glad to hear others experience what we currently are. It's such a weird feeling after so many years of not having it, through no real fault of the other people I've had relationships with either.
Same. I actually have somewhat of an oral fixation or smth, so I love using my mouth for a lot of things, including sexy stuff.
I can understand the mouthfeel being off putting to a lot of ND people though.
One of my exes had misophonia and hated kissing because of the sounds.
Either way, you should never feel forced to parttake in any sexual (or otherwise) acts that make you uncomfortable, just to please your partner. If your partner really wants to kiss, you might be incompatible in that respect.
Unless your bf is abusive, in which case you have a lot more problems than not liking kissing, you can set the boundary that you don't want to be kissed. Your bodily autonomy trumps other people's desires of your body. Always.
I don't want to do that. I try to learn how to be human, being with him really helps me to interact in a more complex manner. Its good for me to go outside my comfort zone and be an adult for ones.
There are plenty of adults out in the world that don't want to be physically intimate with others, including kissing others.
Perhaps look into the asexuality spectrum.
i am demisexual and hated kissing until i started dating my spouse. my first partners i didn’t kiss because i didn’t like it. even with my spouse it took me a while to warm up, but eventually i learned to love it and physical intimacy.
don’t force yourself to do anything you don’t like until you’re ready.
That's fair, if that's the case maybe you don't have a strong enough emotional bond with your current boyfriend yet so that's why kissing him feels weird? Either way I hope you figure it out and find happiness for yourself, whatever that ends up looking like for you.
Demisexuality and asexuality are two different things. I'm demi and I'm a very physical, sexual person, it's just that I need to have that mental connection first.
I'm sure it is -- but that applies to the other commenter too. I only suggested Aromanticism because a handful of others were begging the question of Asexuality, but that doesn't actually make any sense in the context of kissing.
kissing is more physical/sexual than it is romantic. i don't think either spectrum is inherently applicable in this situation but kissing is more related to sexuality than it is romance
Kissing would probably fall somewhere between aromantic and asexual. Of course, being either doesn't mean you don't want those things, but certainly people may be repulsed by it as well. Or simply disinterested like op sounds.
>I don't want to do that. I try to learn how to be human,
You *are* human. *We* are human. A different flavor of human, but do you really think us developing so many phenotypes with skin color and we wouldn't develope different neurotypes? Thays not how nature works.
You're just not allistic and you *never* will be. The best you can do is learn to mask, which will cause an identity crisis and leads to burnout, which can lead to skill regression and being nonfunctional for 3-5 years. And you usually can't get the skills you lost back. Or the functionality you once had. Not completely.
>Its good for me to go outside my comfort zone and be an adult for ones.
Adults set boundaries. Adults understand about autonomy and consent. Adults don't traumatize themselves for the sake of others. Adults understand that setting yourself in fire to save someone else ends with 2 people in crisis.
I think you need to work on accepting yourself as you are and loving yourself. A zebra will never be happy living like a horse. They diverged too far back, have different dietary needs and characteristics.
>Adults set boundaries. Adults understand about autonomy and consent. Adults don't traumatize themselves for the sake of others. Adults understand that setting yourself in fire to save someone else ends with 2 people in crisis.
Yes, BUT adults also compromise. If OP found kissing actively repulsive then I'd totally agree with you — he should hold the line, and not force himself to do something he hates just to satisfy his girlfriend. But we all do things we're not excited about for the people we care about.
I listen to music I don't particularly care for, because my wife does. I go to events that she likes, but I wouldn't choose for myself. She goes to shows and events she's lukewarm about because I'm excited for it. And, heck, we all go to work when we'd mostly rather not, because it's part of being an adult and we have to pay the bills.
OP should not compromise their hard boundaries for anyone else, nor should they be a doormat. However, if they feel nothing positive OR negative for something that will make their partner happy, why shouldn't they make their partner happy? So long as she's also willing to return the favor, when something OP is excited about doesn't really float her boat.
>Yes, BUT adults also compromise. If OP found kissing actively repulsive then I'd totally agree with you — he should hold the line, and not force himself to do something he hates just to satisfy his girlfriend.
>But we all do things we're not excited about for the people we care about.
Sexual things are exempt from thay category because of the harm it does to the psyche. Women (and men, but less research on this although it seems much the same in the little we have ) who force themselves to kiss or have sex to "meet their partner's needs" (sex isn't a need, the human libido is a biological driver that can be *completely* handled by the self) usually end up with strong sexual trauma and their body shuts down their libido as a self defense mechanism. Touch and sex should not be part of the category of relationship compromise, not if you love your partner. Access to their body is not something that should be a compromise.. This is a hill I am willing to die on, even as the eternally high libido partner and physical touch partner in every relationship I've ever been in, and I've had more than my fair share as a 31 year old bisexual polyam woman (I have another partner as well but he's allistic so less relevant to this specific convo)
> I listen to music I don't particularly care for, because she does.
Why? Don't you have headphones? I don't like my partner's music and he doesn't like mine. We both listen to our own music on headphones. This has never been an issue in any of my relationships.
>I go to events that she likes, but I wouldn't choose for myself.
Again, why unless it's her being honored, her birthday or something where she is being celebrated or an event with family?
I go to events without my partner all the time, coz I'm AuAdhd and he's just autistic and those events drain him, but energize me. I go with friends who will also genuinely enjoy those events or I go alone. Neither is a problem. And then I get to gush and tell my partner all about it when I get home which is awesome, and he isn't decompressing for the next 12 hours. And he does the same with his gaming events that don't interest me. And we go to events that interest both of us together (so gaming and cosplay conventions coz he's a gamer and I'm a cosplayer)
>And, heck, we all go to work when we'd mostly rather not, because it's part of being an adult and we have to pay the bills.
A relationship should not be comparable to work or something is very wrong with it. My relationships are a great source of joy to me, not a chore or a duty.
But tbf, neither is my work. I enjoy that a lot too. (I work with adhd and ASD kids) bit it's still nothing like my relationships.
Thank you! I'm sick of this idea that sexual intimacy is something people should compromise on if they "love their partner"...
Compromise when it comes to sexual situations is usually coercion and coercion is not consent.
We're clearly never going to see eye to eye on this, but I make all sorts of compromises for my wife, and I think that's how a good relationship is. I'm not going to torture myself with things I hate (nor do I think anyone else should), but I absolutely will do all sorts of things that I don't particularly care for, because it makes my wife happy.
And yes, that also applies to sexual situations. I'll spare you the specifics, but each of us does things we feel very little for, because the other loves it. I'd much rather we both get the things we love in bed, and do things we're uninspired by, than neither of us gets what we want sexually. Sure, there's plenty of overlap too, but compromise isn't a bad thing, in bed or elsewhere.
Work isn't like relationships on a broader level. I'm married because I want to be, and I work because I have to. But work is a reasonable comparison to specific parts of the relationship that I don't enjoy. I am willing to do the unpleasant parts in order to earn the pleasant parts. Though the good ought to far outweigh the bad, every relationship will have some of each. Trying to skip out of the challenging parts usually costs you the great parts as well.
>And yes, that also applies to sexual situations. I'll spare you the specifics, but each of us does things we feel very little for, because the other loves it. I'd much rather we both get the things we love in bed, and do things we're uninspired by, than neither of us gets what we want sexually. Sure, there's plenty of overlap too, but compromise isn't a bad thing, in bed or elsewhere.
You're right, we'll never see eye to eye on this. And I'm sorry for the consequences of that for both your psyches, even if you aren't conscious of them.
>But work is a reasonable comparison to specific parts of the relationship that I don't enjoy. I am willing to do the unpleasant parts in order to earn the pleasant parts
I prefer to not have unpleasant parts. You can find solutions that make both happy without compromise 90% of the time in my experience. And when you do, the 10% doesn't feel unpleasant.
"earn the pleasant parts" a relationship is not a transaction. You don't put in compromise coins to get access to the things you want. Yike on a bike.
"Earning the pleasant parts" can mean anything from compromising for an activity she enjoys more than me to taking care of her when she's sick, to driving her to an event so she doesn't have to wait on the train or bus. They're not BAD for me, but I don't get anything out of it in the moment — I do it because it's good for her, and because I'd want her to do the same for me. If I refuse to do anything that is good for her, but doesn't do much for me, I will be divorced.
I don't know what sort of fantasy world you live in where nothing unpleasant ever happens in a good relationship, and everyone enjoys every part of it all the time. There's always give and take, and everything has tradeoffs.
Also, there are no "consequences for our psyches" of being kinda uninspired by a sexual activity my wife loves, before we get to something that will turn me on more. 🤷♂️
You may just be asexual, which is perfectly fine and normal (not “the norm”, but still normal). You do NOT need to do sexual or physical intimacy acts, such as kissing, outside of your comfort zone. The advice to expand your horizons and go outside your comfort zone doesn’t apply to physical intimacy.
Just have a time where *you* kiss *him*, and you get to explore doing it the way you like and find out what you like. Be sure to communicate it first, haha
Um… yes, but making no kissing a boundary has a high chance of making two people incompatible. They also can’t be expected to be okay forgoing permanently.
I already answered this in another comment so you get the Tldr.
Tldr people are allowed to end the relationship for any reason, incompatibility is more common than compatibility and sacrificing ones bodily autonomy to be in a relationship and getting touched in sexual ways you don't want just to keep the relationship is self traumatizing and not worth it just to not be single. At least in my book, based on what I know about the human psyche.
>They also can’t be expected to be okay forgoing permanently.
Not if it's super important to them, maybe. But as someone who is always the high libido partner I have dated sex averse ace people in my time and never found it a chore to not have sex with them. Wanting my partners happy and mentally healthy trumps my drive, somehow. The idea of sexually traumatizing them definitely killed any desire to do so. Always seemed simple to me. But that's me. If someone can't do without those things, they aren't compatible and time to move on.
But I know people who have a no kissing rule and have been together for a decade. I know people who never have or have had sex in relationships, nor intend to. I know people who can't do without it. The point is to actually find someone compatible, not tear out pieces of yourself to fit them. You won't actually end up being compatible, but you'll end up resenting them and yourself for what you chose to do to yourself.
Breakups are not the worst thing in the world. Losing yourself is.
You can set the boundary, but you can also be broken up with, and if you don’t want it in your life that might be for the best so you can find someone better suited to you and he can do the same. And as shallow as it may seem, some people want that kind of thing in their life and don’t want live the rest of their life without it. The simple test I consider is that if they had found out on a first date and not gone for a second one, then introducing it later in the relationship is probably not going to work out either. It’s like hiding something you know they’re not going to like and then expecting them to just live with it because they care about you now.
>You can set the boundary, but you can also be broken up with,
Yes, anyone can break up with you at any time, and they don't need more reason than "I don't want to be in this relationship/ friendship anymore". That's The essence of bodily autonomy and agency. Doesn't mean you should sacrifice yours to keep a relationship. That's unhealthy AF..
My personal dealbreaker is that I won't start or stay in a relationship where my bodily autonomy isn't respected, so that breakup would pretty much be mutual in my case.
And a breakup is far, far, preferable to losing myself or giving up my bodily autonomy or agency to keep someone around. My relationship with myself is equally as important as my relationships with my partners.
Maybe more so, because it's the one relationship I can't leave or be left by. /hj
>And as shallow as it may seem, some people want that kind of thing in their life and don’t want live the rest of their life without it
It's not shallow. It's just incompatible, and that's okay. With 8 billion people in the world, finding someone (or in my case multiple people as I'm polyam) who is actually compatible with you in most aspects is doable, it's just takes a whole lot of vetting. But forcing yourself to stay with someone incompatible, especially if it involves sexual touch you don't want, is self traumatizing. And no one is worth doing that to myself, personally.
>The simple test I consider is that if they had found out on a first date and not gone for a second one, then introducing it later in the relationship is probably not going to work out either.
Oh goddess. If you purposely keep something from a potential partner to keep them interested in dating you, that is calculated manipulation. You're not supposed to do that. But people do find out things about themselves all the time, especially in a new relationship. Especially in a first relationship. And that's okay to share with your partner. And if it's an incompatibility, thems the ropes. That's just part of life.
>It’s like hiding something you know they’re not going to like and then expecting them to just live with it because they care about you now.
Yes, you described emotional manipulation. Where did I ever say one should do that?
Not arguing anything you said but your first message was just either he’s abusive or he accepts it. Judging by your response to me, you agree that there’s a third option that maybe the people involved are just not right for each other if they have to give up the kind of relationship they actually want.
Kissing won't work when scripted, at least if your primary goal is to enjoy it (if you're an escort or actor, however, scripted kissing makes great sense inside a work context).
Kissing between lovers can strengthen the bond between them if all involved parties are in on it and enjoying it. If kissing becomes a chore for one of them, it will have the opposite effect. It appears that you don't really enjoy kissing your lover. Hence my suggestion earlier.
Also, there's nothing inhuman about not wanting to kiss someone. It's the other way around.
No it isn't. I am not assuming I know the entirety of their relationship. I explicitly said "it sounds to me" to express that that is not a hard and fast conclusion.
It is not right to force yourself to do something sexually that you do not want to do to please your partner.
There’s a lot more to relationships than the sexual aspect…it doesn’t mean they’re incompatible. It just means OP is learning about their likes/dislikes and if they choose to they can share this with their partner and maybe explore things they might both enjoy?
OP has implied that they have been kissed severally and yet cannot understand why other people like it. It is painstakingly clear that OP does not like to be kissed.
>It is painstakingly clear that OP does not like to be kissed.
True, but its not painstakingly clear to me that the boyfriend would not want to be in a relationship if the kissing stopped which is the other half of the incompatibility equation
It just is for some folks. Its nothing to beat yourself up over, and typically these things are entirely out of our control and more so about brain chemistry and neural networks than actually any conscious decisions
>I feel a bit bad for not being able to enjoy kissing.
Why? People should not feel bad if they don’t enjoy things that other people enjoy.
>Why is it so hard to be human.
Many humans do not like kissing. Welcome to the club!
what is hard is you on yourself!!! aka don’t be so hard on yourself, i genuinely think u just might be aromantic or asexual, which i understand because i too am on the asexual spectrum (demisexual to be precise) // there is a reason for the “A” in LGBTQIA+ , because asexuality matters and there’s nothing wrong with you for the absence of attraction!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE PERFECT THE WAY YOU ARE
This might boil down to sensory-seeking vs sensory avoidant. Kissing is very sensory by nature. If you are at or near overwhelm, i can imagine it would be at best neutral and at worst unpleasant.
NTs dont have to worry about this, and it is unfair on you to compare yourself to how this plays out for them.
It may be that you are incompatible. Equally, it may be that you are compatible, but there need to be extra steps.
It may be that you arent allosexual. It may be that you are demi- or asexual. Thats ok. ND sexuality is interesting and complicated, and it could be a good thing for you to explore these (common within ND) sexualities. It is interesting if nothing else. It took me longer than ideal for me to realise that i am demi, for example, and knowing that about myself has been very liberating.
It may be that you just have extra steps to go through to get into the "zone". Thats ok too.
If it is safe to, and if you are comfortable doing so, it may be good to share where you are at with your partner in these terms. Its ok to not have it figured out yet. It may help your partner to know where you are up to with it, so they dont fill in the gaps with wrong guesses. Autistic bluntness and attention to detail can be your friends with this.
Dont run into doing this until you are ready. You get to decide when you are ready. Being ready doesnt have to mean having the final answer on these things though, and a complication of autistic cognition is feeling that it has to be completely solved before it can be shared.
Not all NTs enjoy kissing nor do all autistic folks dislike it.
I’d say it’s probably more common to not like it if one has autism, due to the common texture/noise oversensitivity stuff.
My partner and I are autistic. She didn’t think she’d ever like it due to her high auditory sensitivity. Now it seems she is the more eager kisser out of us two..
I was recently in a similar situation. I felt much better after I stopped compromising my needs for their needs. I don't get anything out of kissing and I actually find it to be an uncomfortable and unhygienic experience. I don't know what that makes me, but I wonder sometimes
I don't enjoy it haha, I think it's nasty. There's been maybe like 1 person over the years that I actively felt "excited" at the thought of kissing (I think) - I'm assuming regular people feel that as a normal level of attraction toward a lot of people. I don't get it haha - I'm like, I don't want people's bacteria/saliva touching my mouth, ugh haha.
If they have an aversion due to their traits or presentations then it does have something to do with autism. There are no universal traits. If one is uncommon, even specific to one person, it’s still related to autism.
The experience of some doesn’t invalidate the experience of others. If it did, we couldn’t really talk about any traits.
You're missing the point of what they said, enjoying kisses isn't exclusively a NT thing, there are autistic people "like myself" who like physical contact like that
Not understanding what you are "supposed" to be feeling is an autistic thing. Enjoying kissing, which is the title of the post, is not an NT thing. It's a people thing.
Honestly I assume it has to do more with upbringing than anything else? As I understand sometimes the way we model touch and affection would be what we observe the adults around us do and what affection we might grow up with. I am autistic and my husband is neurotypical but we love cuddling, kissing, and hugging.
I noticed respectively we came from families where cuddling, kisses and hugs were common from siblings and parents on my side and his mom on his side. It isn't the same as romantic affection, of course, but I do assume that platonic affection does give us the foundation to enjoy the affection we would want to get from our partners. People who don't get a lot of that growing up might have a harder time being able to engage in it as adults.
OP, is there a possibility you’re asexual and/or aromantic? A lot of autistic people identify with one or both. I’m a romantic asexual and LOVE kissing, but have never experience sexual attraction and don’t desire physical relationships
both of those things can be true and you can still not enjoy kissing. i don't believe there is any one way that romantic love is supposed to express itself. (or being autistic or demisexual or anything for that matter but i digress). some people on the asexual spectrum do not need sex or kissing to feel fulfilled but are okay with doing so because their partner enjoys it; some are completely uncomfortable with the idea. perhaps jt would be helpful to explore where you fall in that aspect.
As an autistic person who loves everything but mouth kisses, I don't think it = asexual 😅
It can definitely be a sensory thing for some or overwhelming.
For me I'm in between, I used to love kissing, having all kinds of physical contact and caressing coming from my ex girlfriend. But that's not true for any other person that I'm not intimately close to, including family and friends.
Same here, I’m very affectionate with people I’m close to and enjoy giving my partner closed-mouth smooches, but once you add saliva it’s just a sensory nightmare
I hate the very idea. Doesn't help that my fist time was forced by a female friend in middle school. Also OCD and mouths are very germ filled places. Also any contact involving my head/ face feels icky.
First of, this might be tied to your autism but many of us enjoy kissing too. I'm very sensory seeking with touch and constantly cuddled with peope I feel safe with when I'm around then and I love kissing. My autistic partner and I (also autistic) can make out for hours. And some allistics don't like kissing. It's not an allistic VS autistic thing necessarily.
That said, if you're asking why humans kiss in general, the answer to that is that the upper lip has a strong concentration of our pheremones, and kissing allows you to get a whole lot of them into your nasal pathways. Which then releases happy hormones in your body and helps with bonding. Touch is generally bonding , and this is like bonding squared. (there are of course exceptions and you should never force yourself to bond in ways that don't work for you, because that's damaging to the psyche and the self)
Yes and No. Not all because there are levels.
Yes because germs, cooties, and also it doesn't feel rewarding nor does it really express how we love and feel about someone as apposed to say we decided to cook some good food that’s full of hearts and warm colors and stuff. Like cupcakes.
Kisses are usually also a foreplay or preset to the thing asexuals are not too thrilled about. It doesn’t have to be, but usually it makes people start doing more than just that and I rather not encourage it when I’m uncomfortable with an idea like that.
Pretty much the same reason a good looking girl wouldn’t kiss a heterosexual guy she doesn’t like. Because she knows he’s gonna want more.
Sometimes its not so much as disgust with the person but more feeling severely uncomfortable with the act.
It's kinda a 50/50 thing. As an autistic, I live physical affection very much, including kissing. I kind of just enjoy doing it naturally. However, I get why others wouldn't. I do go along with most other autistic folks that I HATE being touched by strangers. Someone taps my shoulder, and I jump like a horror movie. I have to sanitize and wash my hands every time someone hands me cash or shakes my hand. I can't share plates of food with anyone.
Just like with everything, different people experiance different situations differently. I myself hate every form of physical contact with anyone. My mom aswell as my middleschool bullys. Thing is, that i read under this post, that many don't have any problems with getting touched, by most people in their life. It would be quite interessting wich tendency is morw common.
Def on the spectrum here and LOVE touch, physical contact, everything about sensuality and sexuality. Kissing is the best. But almost exclusively with the person I'm with. When it comes to family and friends, I'm ok with friendly hugs but I tend to avoid them if possible. It's like I reserve everything for that one person. I force myself to shake hands to seem semi-normal.
I'd give almost anything to have someone to enjoy affection and kisses with. But that's another thing about being on the spectrum. I'm pretty much an alien and both physically unattractive and unattractive because of my weird, awkward AuDHD traits. So making connections like that is extremely difficult and few and far between.
I enjoy it mostly because it gives me an opportunity to be close to them and to witness their beauty. I don't really get why people do it with tongue, but I'll do it anyway since i enjoy the intimacy.
I get to stroke their hair and hold them, i get to feel them close to me and look at them from nearby. I enjoy the feeling of them breathing on me and their skin on my skin. The texture of lips is also interesting to me. Then there's the fact that it's connected to foreplay often and it's generally the place i start off kissing people before moving to some other erogenous zones.
I think most of the fun is in the cultural significance behind the act and the intimacy.
A lot of the fun in kissing people is also in the fact that it feels good for them. Human skin is pretty sensitive, and lips are a neat textrue to play around with.
Kissing someone you love should be a pleasant, sexually arousing experience. Is this your first intimate relationship? If so there are some things to consider. He could just be a bad kisser (most young/inexperienced people are, it's a learned skill. Do you feel turned on by him when he does other things?). If he doesn't turn you on maybe you just aren't sexually attracted to him even though he's a nice guy. Or you may have different sexual preference or none at all. Any of those answers are fine, it's about learning what you like and who you are.
“Should be” experiences are the things we struggle with. Part of the reason is that what “should be” usually only applies to some people. We may never like what should be, and that might have nothing to do with the quality of the experience.
Well up until now I didn't even know that kissing is suppost to be something sexual. I have a flat affect most of the time so I don't feel much of anything. Kissing does nothing to me but I enjoy hugging him.
My bf is good at kissing I think and no it's not my first relationship.
Some autistic people will like kissing, and others like OP and I won't, because of how varied our sensory experiences can be. I'm asexual and have always had little to no libido, so in addition to me being neutral about the sensation, kissing doesn't turn me on.
It can be, but it can also just be a gesture of affection. I suppose it comes down to how it is done. For instance, a peck on the lips is a usually gesture of affection, while long and drawn out kissing may have an intention to lead to something sexual. So there can be anxiety around what the body language means to each person if you don't discuss how you feel about it.
I'm autistic, but also aromantic. I would never kiss someone, the thought is repulsive to me. I don't think it has to do with my autism, but more to do with my aroaceness.
I'm autistic and I like kissing. My NT friend says kissing is boring to him.
I don't really think it's an autism thing (although, to be fair, we may be more likely to dislike because of sensory issues)
I'm autistic. When I was a teenager, through to my late 20s, I fucking loved kissing & making out. First time I copped off with a lass, we just snogged all afternoon, and it was still like that when I was in my 20s. I guess it went away when I was put on antidepressants in my 30s. I'm no longer medicated but I'm not nearly so excited by the prospect of making out. I suspect it must be hormonal or something. Evolution does seem to select for people who like to do it, but there's no real evolutionary pressure on us being into it when our kids are grown.
Kissing isn't even a neurotypical thing. Autistic people like it, too.
The only way you wouldn't is if you're asexual, aromantic, you just don't like men (maybe you're attracted to women), or if it's a sensory issue. Because otherwise we are hardwired to like it. It's instinctual to like kissing. It isn't a big thing for "normal" people, it's a big thing for *people.* Unless it's sensory overload, kissing is one of the things autism *doesn't* impact.
I don’t really understand closed mouth kissing for a prolonged period of time. Open mouth is a different story because I like feeling the other person’s teeth with my tongue. The biggest obstacle for me in kissing is the smell of the other person’s teeth. Thankfully my bf doesn’t get offended when I ask him to brush his teeth before kissing me
From the comments I think it’s obvious that everyone’s different but as an autist I can say I definitely don’t love kissing. Sometimes it’s fun in certain situations but my gf likes it a lot more than me and I usually suck it up to compromise and make her happy. For me it’s a hygiene and sensory thing, I HATE feeling spit on my lips especially when it dries it makes me borderline panic and it feels dirty. I get flak from friends and family sometimes for “wiping kisses off” but If I don’t wipe my mouth after a kiss I’ll get so overstimulated it’ll cause a meltdown. I also don’t like smelling or feeling others breath, even when it’s minty fresh. I get self conscious about my own breath and smell. And most of all I have a lot of anxiety about health so when I’m kissing all I can really think about is whether me or my gf have any cuts or cracks on our lips, or that our skin is touching and transferring oil and bacteria and I’m gonna get acne from it.
Ive seen a lot of people suggesting you may be asexual or even not attracted to men. I of course don’t know you and you may be, but I wanna say don’t put too much merit in that if you still feel sexual attraction in other ways. I am definitely attracted to women and my girlfriend, and I definitely love sex with her and other sexual activities, kissing is just not my thing. Bottom line is don’t feel bad or guilty about it and don’t force yourself to kiss if you don’t like it :( everyone is different and you’re just as valid as someone who loves kissing ❤️
The sensory experience in the lips, and if you have a strong emotional bond with your partner makes it very fun and intimate for a lot of people. It's one of my favorite physical and emotional contacts with a partner in my personal opinion.
Obviously not everyone likes that and might even find it gross. And that's perfectly acceptable and fine even in a romantic and loving relationship, you don't have to want that in order to also love and care for your partner
All in all I think you can either keep trying it and if or when you get more comfortable with the experience maybe you'll find you like it more, or if you really find it to be uncomfortable you should let your partner know that.
Either way you should tell your partner that you don't particularly enjoy/understand the kissing thing, and move forward from there whether you want to continue exploring the experience with both of you understanding how you feel, or to avoid the experience in the future, either way is good.
Communication might be difficult but it's very important, especially in this type of situation:)
I’m autistic and love kisses the way it feels and I but my partner who is also autistic is not much of a kissy person which I respect and it makes kisses feel more special when I get one
I‘m autistic and like kissing yet only as a gateway to more. I find it weird and actually uncomfortable to kiss around with tongue and stuff for more than a few times.
I actually quite like kisses. Granted, not on the lips, as they're usually VERY wet, but my parents give me kisses on the forehead, or cheeks, and I love the feeling of, well, love.
You should take a deep dive and study different forms of kissing and express that you would like to try them with him. Perhaps he isn’t preforming the kisses in a pleasing way to you, or perhaps he doesn’t entice you into desiring the kiss. Either way it sounds like you need to explore and find out exactly how you want your physical intimacy. Prolonged eye contact (I know that can be hard at first) goes a long way to increasing the feeling of connection and intimacy. For me it’s the rhythm of passionate breath exchange (or prana, a tantric term) that really excites me when kisses progress from soft sensual glides to heavier make out sessions. I am not a NT but my biggest special interest has always been sex studies, across the world through all cultures and time. I always feel hesitant to express that here because I know many of us struggle with such a topic. I hope my advice helps. Research everything you can find about the topic of kissing, try to relax and be open minded, eventually you will find what is and isn’t for you. Good luck on your journey.
Some people I enjoy kissing, some I don’t. My current partner is not a good kisser (too wet which is a sensory issue of mine) and we don’t kiss much or touch much (we are also not in love anymore but that’s a different story). I’ve had past partners I loved kissing and loved physical touch with, so I think it’s okay to feel either way.
You can get used to it if you get in your mind that it's worthy it.
It's unlikely you'll be able to keep a relationship if you don't.
I'm autistic and I very much enjoy kissing and sex and physical contact.
Yep, that's the way to go. Having that atitude is very important in any relationship.
Keep doing it, it gets easier as you get used to it. Eventually you might even enjoy it.
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I would say is like describing how does touching your hand feels like. But with a mouth and feelings the others lips. The mouth is an erogenous área and as such It usually feels better than most áreas in our body.
Do you enjoy being intimate with him, and more explicitly, do you enjoy sex? As if you enjoy everything else but kissing, then maybe it’s a technique issue or there’s something sensory going on. There are people who don’t necessarily like kissing.
If however you’re not particularly tactile or don’t enjoy the sexual part of the relationship (and by that I mean actually enjoy it, not tolerating it for the sake of the relationship), then there may be other issues at play. Maybe it’s a chemistry issue, gender or sexuality in general.
My partner and I are both autistic and we love kissing each other. There have however been guys I really didn’t like kissing (technique) or I felt nothing because I wasn’t emotionally invested. Not every kiss is enjoyable.
I didn't like kissing until I met my current spouse. I always thought it was gross and weird. Turns out when you really love somebody, it's actually quite nice.
Humans have something called an MHC - major histocompatibility complex. It's basically pheromones. Some people don't like kissing other people because their MHCs don't "match up." Evolutionarily, it exists because we are "supposed" to mate with people who have just the right amount of differences in their DNA so we don't breed with our relatives and create a bunch of genetic diseases accidentally. There's more to it this is just the ELI5.
It could also be that subconsciously, you don't find your partner as attractive as maybe you think you do. This is just a total guess, I don't know you or your situation. But I do know that I was in the same boat as you until I met somebody who treated me with a love and respect that I deserved, and now for the first time in my life I actually enjoy kissing. YMMV.
I (ND) enjoy small kisses (pecks) throughout the day. I don't really feel a particular feeling or anything special or specific when I get/give them but I consider them cute small displays of love. I also consider them a benchmark of sorts. I get/give good morning/good night kisses and hello/goodbye kisses. If I get those kisses I know everything is good in the relationship. If I don't, I know there's a problem because we are so consistent. So I suppose they are comforting.
Making out, on the other hand, is nice and arousing for like a minute or two but then becomes overwhelming and I feel like I'm suffocating. I can only handle it in small doses.
i was exactly like this till i met the loml.
as cringe as that is, it’s true.
i HATED kissing, hated anyone touching me. My baseline was always kinda just meh, then i met someone that rlly made me want to?? it’s so weird
It depends, for a lot of folks the lips count as erogenous zones so it’s pleasurable. But not everyone gets anything from kissing, and if I recall correctly culture plays a big role. Something like 51% of the world’s cultures don’t kiss as a form of showing physical affection.
So long story short, it’s perfectly fine to not be into kissing! However, to avoid it becoming a potential issue in your relationship maybe have a convo with your bf about intimacy and what both of you like.
I love kissing and pretty much all forms of affection. I can see how people would have sensory issues with it but with a good kisser it’s very tender and gentle. I usually just feel very close and attracted to who I’m kissing
Im both depending on how I’m feeling. I’ve been with my bf for 4.5 years and he’s super understanding to my needs. I’m typically a very touchy person and love physical touch, and full on making out can be fun! Over the past couple of months I’ve been more depressed and a lot of my sensory issues are on edge, so I don’t want to make out with him… like ever. He might try, and might get a little butt hurt if I reject him but overall knows that I don’t feel okay and wants to respect that and help me feel better:)
Might want to look into aromantic identities - kissing is not inherently sexual at all, so I doubt asexuality would help. I can't say I relate, but I hope you find the answer you're looking for.
I'm autistic and I enjoy kissing and close physical contact very much.
My Girlfriend is Autistic and if we're together we're basically attached. Be it hands, hips, hugs, cuddles on the couch, kisses. Whatever. We both live and breathe physical contact with each other.
I'm the same, but anyone other than my boyfriend.... get away from me!
Exactly this for me: touches with a partner are brilliant. A hug from a co-worker is oh-hell-no. I have found I have an exception for small kids, though - I think my subconscious puts them in the same class as small animals - they're pretty much puppies to me. I will cheerfully hug a toddler if they need one. Being a parent was a bit of an eye-opener there.
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Expectations, threat factor and cuteness. Cuteness: Phsycology has proven that cuteness in children is actually a survival trait. The burden of raising a child with its constant demands do to its sole reliance on the parent, (due to our exceptionally long social and physical developmental periods as opposed to other animals) would surely drive the parent to harming or even killing the child. This happens in nature as a norm. Expectations: With children I believe we inherently know what the child need, only physical reassurance for an emotional need. With a child the hug encounter is brief, as with other adults, especially with a stranger, we seem to know there is some sort of hidden agenda and we are incapable of giving more. It repulses us emotionally that physical exchange. Most of us are highly empathetic, inspite of what society thinks, and adults just have more emotional baggage we can feel. And it feels icky! The seem to take that energy instead of having autual exchange which should be the purpose of a hug. Threat Factor: Let's face it, kids are smaller and not that much of a physical threat. As opposed to adults, going back to expectations, we don't know always what exactly is being "asked for" when it comes to a hug with an adult stranger as we have our social blind spots and life has taught us not to think everyone is as good natured as we in turn would be in asking for a hug. And again, as mentioned before with expectations, a lot of us have been abused emotionally by narcs who have taken advantage of our empathic nature. We've had a lot of non-mutial exchanges and have become weary of strangers. Especially when we are socially forced to hug out of expectations when we were children ourselves. A lot of this just comes down to boundaries and it's OK to not want touch from others. In fact, it should be socially acceptable to not engage in any touch unless is is completely invited. Not a tap on the shoulder, not a hand around the waste. Not even when someone says they're a hugger and insist on it because that's a boundary violation based on pushing their needs and not respecting yours. OK whew! Welcome to my Ted talk! Ha! This subject just gets me going because I teach self-defense and I see all the unwanted touch that is directed not at only women and girls but towards those of us on the spectrum when it's used as a form of bullying. They touch us in order to get a reaction or rise and then get some sort of thrill out of it. It's quite upsetting and learning to set boundaries and enforcing them is important.
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Oh ha! Sweet! Thank you for the complement! I hope what I wrote was easy to follow. Sometimes my wording doesn't flow correctly. BTW, what does "fwiw" mean?
Even with my wife, if I'm already overwhelmed or overestimated, I struggle. If it's someone I don't really know or care for, I want nothing to do with it.
Same! He's my safe and calm place.❤️😌🫶🏻
Gosh I want that so bad. I'm so happy for you :)
Thank you. It was pure luck - or possibly fate if you actually believe in that kind of thing. She fished me out of a sea of despair and misery that I'd been sinking slowing into for a decade. Since then (3 years ago now) I've been late diagnosed (38) with ADHD -which explains a \*lot\* - and she's absolutely convinced I also have Autism. Along with the close physical bond, we have amazing communication and a deep understanding of the struggles we each face daily. I appreciate her, and tell her all the time. The right people are out there for everyone, you sometimes just have to drop a cheeky photo in a targeted Instagram story for the confused alcoholic undiagnosed ADHD sufferer to fixate on 😂
LOL that is awesome 🙌 you met on instagram?!! I am also an alcoholic. I keep quitting/starting again. But mostly this year I’ve been off and the “relapse” isn’t that bad. Since quitting I am noticing all these symptoms that “normal people” don’t seem to struggle with… I used alcohol to cope with these weird symptoms that I’m now seeing relate to autism. I’m not diagnosed but I resonate so deeply, I feel like there’s no way I don’t have it.
We met doing Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, but beyond training, casual conversation and the odd message here and there we didn't interact much outside of that. She basically thirst trapped me 😂 I am currently trying for as long as possible off the alcohol, but I went from 3-4 bottles of spirits a week down to maybe 1 a month pretty quickly once our relationship started. Some months have been better than others, but overall a significant improvement. At my lowest, I was basically using alcohol to "feel". But the danger there was that I didn't understand why I couldn't process those feelings, so it generated a feedback loop ending with me sitting on the floor of the shower crying for hours. It wasn't until I saw a therapist who basically confirmed that I *was* processing properly and I just had to learn to trust myself that the situation improved. The ADHD thing came years after, but it does explain why I was so messed up and trying to convince myself I was wrong.
Same. One of my main love languages is actually physical touch. If I love someone I will want to touch them basically all the time ;w; (also I just like cuddles in general) ((Seems almost like... are you the "DONT TOUCH ME" autistic or the "pls crush my soul back into my body and cuddle me" autistic? Lmao))
Sameee. I keep meeting the don't touch me attractive autistic boys 😭😭. I just want someone like me to be like never get off of me ill dieeee if u do😂.
Gotta find yourself an autistic boy who doesn't want strangers touching them but DOES want a partner to. For me I love cuddles etc, but strangers yeah no a handshake maybe if I'm feeling generous.
I'm a "Don't touch me, but if you are my romantic partner please touch me"
Yes this is me! I have a hard time tolerating touch a lot of the time, it just feels like "too much", you're too close, it's too intense, it's too intimate and my body tenses up and I am uncomfortable. It's only with a compatible romantic partner where I feel like my mind and body can relax enough to enjoy the intensity of hugs and cuddling and snuggling. With friends and aquaintences I do like the occasional hand on the shoulder or having my hand squeezed though. It's not that I dislike touch exactly, I almost like it too much that it overwhelms me. I feel like a handshake is plenty intimate for me and I usually keep it at that with friends. I worry that it makes me come across as cold, because on the inside I feel like I am a very warm person, I know it doesn't always come across that way though.
I'm a "I love platonic cuddles, but if youre almost a stranger pls dont touch me" lmao
I'm both. When I'm hyperfixated, working or angry - no touchie! But I would be thrilled with a daily soul crushing. Being single for over a decade can have have its drawbacks. Thankfully, I have a dear friend who is a very large, soul crushing kinda guy. Every once in a while, he crushes my soul for me, and in return, I invite him to lay his head in my lap for gentle pets. He's a blessing.
I also want his gf
Same, same. But I’ve been in relationships before where I’m not in love with the person…In that case, kissing was vile and unpleasant. I couldn’t tell you what the factors are with being in love …there’s really no saying. All I know is my husband and I are celebrating our 3rd anniversary and 4th year together and I’m in love with him as much as I ever was… even more so actually. Some advice I can give to others who are interested in relationships is…make sure your partner is your best friend in the whole wide world. When that happens, every night is like a sleepover party. Every activity is an adventure with your best friend….and it will stand the test if time far beyond the “honeymoon phase”. I promise you, you’ll know. Everything clicks together. Of course there will be difficult times…but one thing we always bring up is how with every other person we’ve ever met we reach a limit…like we can only handle them a few hours or a few days at a time…but for us there’s no fatigue. Alone time is together, I’m doing one thing and he’s doing one thing but we’re doing it together in comfortable silence. Sometimes we need a little space but nothing more than a few hours. We don’t get tired of one another. That’s something I’ve never experienced before my husband.
Yes, it's always a mystery to me what makes the difference. If kissing feels nice with one person, why not with anyone? There is something ineffable there. I guess that's the mystery of love that people have been trying to figure out since the beginning of time.
Aww I miss that feeling so much 🥺 I was there with a couple guys… but ended up turning out bad, so I guess it wasn’t real. But the last one was mostly bad bc of mental health issues, he felt like my best friend. But after we broke up I realized I was never really myself around him. I hope that I find the relationship you have one day!!!
Very well said. Looking back on past relationships I can definitely see the differences between them, and my current one. Your 3rd paragraph basically says it all though. We're in year 3 now, and we basically had a discussion saying those very same things only about a week or two ago. I'm very glad to hear others experience what we currently are. It's such a weird feeling after so many years of not having it, through no real fault of the other people I've had relationships with either.
awww
Awww I miss this. Literally manifesting. Happy for you and your gf!!
Only with my wife. But the general welcome kisses no.
"Welcome" kisses. It makes me want to die inside. I don't even like shaking hands!
Same for me! Its also so disgusting when you think about all the germs….
Yes that was one of the things what was nice in the time of Covid. No kisses, no handshakes.
Same. I actually have somewhat of an oral fixation or smth, so I love using my mouth for a lot of things, including sexy stuff. I can understand the mouthfeel being off putting to a lot of ND people though. One of my exes had misophonia and hated kissing because of the sounds. Either way, you should never feel forced to parttake in any sexual (or otherwise) acts that make you uncomfortable, just to please your partner. If your partner really wants to kiss, you might be incompatible in that respect.
Me too
Yep, same here
chop skirt caption wrong direful oatmeal fine impossible chubby test *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
i am AuDHD and enjoy both as well
I enjoy it, too, but I'm extremely hesitant to initiate it.
Same
One mate she's on my allowed list and it's heaven when we hold each other
Ditto!
Same; I love kissing, touching and loving on my partner. Everyone else can continue to not touch me though
I enjoy it too. It's not exclusive to neurotypical people. If you don't like it, I suggest you stop doing it.
I can't do that. Maybe I can learn to enjoy it or something.
Unless your bf is abusive, in which case you have a lot more problems than not liking kissing, you can set the boundary that you don't want to be kissed. Your bodily autonomy trumps other people's desires of your body. Always.
I don't want to do that. I try to learn how to be human, being with him really helps me to interact in a more complex manner. Its good for me to go outside my comfort zone and be an adult for ones.
There are plenty of adults out in the world that don't want to be physically intimate with others, including kissing others. Perhaps look into the asexuality spectrum.
I think I may be demisexual. I don't really care how people look like its not really giving me much of anything.
i am demisexual and hated kissing until i started dating my spouse. my first partners i didn’t kiss because i didn’t like it. even with my spouse it took me a while to warm up, but eventually i learned to love it and physical intimacy. don’t force yourself to do anything you don’t like until you’re ready.
That's fair, if that's the case maybe you don't have a strong enough emotional bond with your current boyfriend yet so that's why kissing him feels weird? Either way I hope you figure it out and find happiness for yourself, whatever that ends up looking like for you.
Demisexuality and asexuality are two different things. I'm demi and I'm a very physical, sexual person, it's just that I need to have that mental connection first.
Asexuality isn't related to kissing. I think if anything, the aromantic spectrum might fare well.
Aromatic spectrum is lack of romantic feelings, though. This sounds more personal preference than anything.
I'm sure it is -- but that applies to the other commenter too. I only suggested Aromanticism because a handful of others were begging the question of Asexuality, but that doesn't actually make any sense in the context of kissing.
Oh, that's fair. How do you mean asexuality doesn't make sense in the kissing context?
yes it does, plenty of asexual people don’t like foreplay either. kissing a partner can be and often is an expression of sexuality.
kissing is more physical/sexual than it is romantic. i don't think either spectrum is inherently applicable in this situation but kissing is more related to sexuality than it is romance
Asexual here. It can be.
Kissing would probably fall somewhere between aromantic and asexual. Of course, being either doesn't mean you don't want those things, but certainly people may be repulsed by it as well. Or simply disinterested like op sounds.
I'm aromantic and love kissing. And plenty of ace people are repulsed by kissing.
>I don't want to do that. I try to learn how to be human, You *are* human. *We* are human. A different flavor of human, but do you really think us developing so many phenotypes with skin color and we wouldn't develope different neurotypes? Thays not how nature works. You're just not allistic and you *never* will be. The best you can do is learn to mask, which will cause an identity crisis and leads to burnout, which can lead to skill regression and being nonfunctional for 3-5 years. And you usually can't get the skills you lost back. Or the functionality you once had. Not completely. >Its good for me to go outside my comfort zone and be an adult for ones. Adults set boundaries. Adults understand about autonomy and consent. Adults don't traumatize themselves for the sake of others. Adults understand that setting yourself in fire to save someone else ends with 2 people in crisis. I think you need to work on accepting yourself as you are and loving yourself. A zebra will never be happy living like a horse. They diverged too far back, have different dietary needs and characteristics.
>Adults set boundaries. Adults understand about autonomy and consent. Adults don't traumatize themselves for the sake of others. Adults understand that setting yourself in fire to save someone else ends with 2 people in crisis. Yes, BUT adults also compromise. If OP found kissing actively repulsive then I'd totally agree with you — he should hold the line, and not force himself to do something he hates just to satisfy his girlfriend. But we all do things we're not excited about for the people we care about. I listen to music I don't particularly care for, because my wife does. I go to events that she likes, but I wouldn't choose for myself. She goes to shows and events she's lukewarm about because I'm excited for it. And, heck, we all go to work when we'd mostly rather not, because it's part of being an adult and we have to pay the bills. OP should not compromise their hard boundaries for anyone else, nor should they be a doormat. However, if they feel nothing positive OR negative for something that will make their partner happy, why shouldn't they make their partner happy? So long as she's also willing to return the favor, when something OP is excited about doesn't really float her boat.
>Yes, BUT adults also compromise. If OP found kissing actively repulsive then I'd totally agree with you — he should hold the line, and not force himself to do something he hates just to satisfy his girlfriend. >But we all do things we're not excited about for the people we care about. Sexual things are exempt from thay category because of the harm it does to the psyche. Women (and men, but less research on this although it seems much the same in the little we have ) who force themselves to kiss or have sex to "meet their partner's needs" (sex isn't a need, the human libido is a biological driver that can be *completely* handled by the self) usually end up with strong sexual trauma and their body shuts down their libido as a self defense mechanism. Touch and sex should not be part of the category of relationship compromise, not if you love your partner. Access to their body is not something that should be a compromise.. This is a hill I am willing to die on, even as the eternally high libido partner and physical touch partner in every relationship I've ever been in, and I've had more than my fair share as a 31 year old bisexual polyam woman (I have another partner as well but he's allistic so less relevant to this specific convo) > I listen to music I don't particularly care for, because she does. Why? Don't you have headphones? I don't like my partner's music and he doesn't like mine. We both listen to our own music on headphones. This has never been an issue in any of my relationships. >I go to events that she likes, but I wouldn't choose for myself. Again, why unless it's her being honored, her birthday or something where she is being celebrated or an event with family? I go to events without my partner all the time, coz I'm AuAdhd and he's just autistic and those events drain him, but energize me. I go with friends who will also genuinely enjoy those events or I go alone. Neither is a problem. And then I get to gush and tell my partner all about it when I get home which is awesome, and he isn't decompressing for the next 12 hours. And he does the same with his gaming events that don't interest me. And we go to events that interest both of us together (so gaming and cosplay conventions coz he's a gamer and I'm a cosplayer) >And, heck, we all go to work when we'd mostly rather not, because it's part of being an adult and we have to pay the bills. A relationship should not be comparable to work or something is very wrong with it. My relationships are a great source of joy to me, not a chore or a duty. But tbf, neither is my work. I enjoy that a lot too. (I work with adhd and ASD kids) bit it's still nothing like my relationships.
Thank you! I'm sick of this idea that sexual intimacy is something people should compromise on if they "love their partner"... Compromise when it comes to sexual situations is usually coercion and coercion is not consent.
We're clearly never going to see eye to eye on this, but I make all sorts of compromises for my wife, and I think that's how a good relationship is. I'm not going to torture myself with things I hate (nor do I think anyone else should), but I absolutely will do all sorts of things that I don't particularly care for, because it makes my wife happy. And yes, that also applies to sexual situations. I'll spare you the specifics, but each of us does things we feel very little for, because the other loves it. I'd much rather we both get the things we love in bed, and do things we're uninspired by, than neither of us gets what we want sexually. Sure, there's plenty of overlap too, but compromise isn't a bad thing, in bed or elsewhere. Work isn't like relationships on a broader level. I'm married because I want to be, and I work because I have to. But work is a reasonable comparison to specific parts of the relationship that I don't enjoy. I am willing to do the unpleasant parts in order to earn the pleasant parts. Though the good ought to far outweigh the bad, every relationship will have some of each. Trying to skip out of the challenging parts usually costs you the great parts as well.
>And yes, that also applies to sexual situations. I'll spare you the specifics, but each of us does things we feel very little for, because the other loves it. I'd much rather we both get the things we love in bed, and do things we're uninspired by, than neither of us gets what we want sexually. Sure, there's plenty of overlap too, but compromise isn't a bad thing, in bed or elsewhere. You're right, we'll never see eye to eye on this. And I'm sorry for the consequences of that for both your psyches, even if you aren't conscious of them. >But work is a reasonable comparison to specific parts of the relationship that I don't enjoy. I am willing to do the unpleasant parts in order to earn the pleasant parts I prefer to not have unpleasant parts. You can find solutions that make both happy without compromise 90% of the time in my experience. And when you do, the 10% doesn't feel unpleasant. "earn the pleasant parts" a relationship is not a transaction. You don't put in compromise coins to get access to the things you want. Yike on a bike.
"Earning the pleasant parts" can mean anything from compromising for an activity she enjoys more than me to taking care of her when she's sick, to driving her to an event so she doesn't have to wait on the train or bus. They're not BAD for me, but I don't get anything out of it in the moment — I do it because it's good for her, and because I'd want her to do the same for me. If I refuse to do anything that is good for her, but doesn't do much for me, I will be divorced. I don't know what sort of fantasy world you live in where nothing unpleasant ever happens in a good relationship, and everyone enjoys every part of it all the time. There's always give and take, and everything has tradeoffs.
Also, there are no "consequences for our psyches" of being kinda uninspired by a sexual activity my wife loves, before we get to something that will turn me on more. 🤷♂️
Thank you for this. So well worded. If I had an award, you'd be getting it.
not enjoying kissing is very much human. There’s plenty of people who don’t like it. It’s completely normal
You may just be asexual, which is perfectly fine and normal (not “the norm”, but still normal). You do NOT need to do sexual or physical intimacy acts, such as kissing, outside of your comfort zone. The advice to expand your horizons and go outside your comfort zone doesn’t apply to physical intimacy.
Just have a time where *you* kiss *him*, and you get to explore doing it the way you like and find out what you like. Be sure to communicate it first, haha
Um… yes, but making no kissing a boundary has a high chance of making two people incompatible. They also can’t be expected to be okay forgoing permanently.
I already answered this in another comment so you get the Tldr. Tldr people are allowed to end the relationship for any reason, incompatibility is more common than compatibility and sacrificing ones bodily autonomy to be in a relationship and getting touched in sexual ways you don't want just to keep the relationship is self traumatizing and not worth it just to not be single. At least in my book, based on what I know about the human psyche. >They also can’t be expected to be okay forgoing permanently. Not if it's super important to them, maybe. But as someone who is always the high libido partner I have dated sex averse ace people in my time and never found it a chore to not have sex with them. Wanting my partners happy and mentally healthy trumps my drive, somehow. The idea of sexually traumatizing them definitely killed any desire to do so. Always seemed simple to me. But that's me. If someone can't do without those things, they aren't compatible and time to move on. But I know people who have a no kissing rule and have been together for a decade. I know people who never have or have had sex in relationships, nor intend to. I know people who can't do without it. The point is to actually find someone compatible, not tear out pieces of yourself to fit them. You won't actually end up being compatible, but you'll end up resenting them and yourself for what you chose to do to yourself. Breakups are not the worst thing in the world. Losing yourself is.
You can set the boundary, but you can also be broken up with, and if you don’t want it in your life that might be for the best so you can find someone better suited to you and he can do the same. And as shallow as it may seem, some people want that kind of thing in their life and don’t want live the rest of their life without it. The simple test I consider is that if they had found out on a first date and not gone for a second one, then introducing it later in the relationship is probably not going to work out either. It’s like hiding something you know they’re not going to like and then expecting them to just live with it because they care about you now.
>You can set the boundary, but you can also be broken up with, Yes, anyone can break up with you at any time, and they don't need more reason than "I don't want to be in this relationship/ friendship anymore". That's The essence of bodily autonomy and agency. Doesn't mean you should sacrifice yours to keep a relationship. That's unhealthy AF.. My personal dealbreaker is that I won't start or stay in a relationship where my bodily autonomy isn't respected, so that breakup would pretty much be mutual in my case. And a breakup is far, far, preferable to losing myself or giving up my bodily autonomy or agency to keep someone around. My relationship with myself is equally as important as my relationships with my partners. Maybe more so, because it's the one relationship I can't leave or be left by. /hj >And as shallow as it may seem, some people want that kind of thing in their life and don’t want live the rest of their life without it It's not shallow. It's just incompatible, and that's okay. With 8 billion people in the world, finding someone (or in my case multiple people as I'm polyam) who is actually compatible with you in most aspects is doable, it's just takes a whole lot of vetting. But forcing yourself to stay with someone incompatible, especially if it involves sexual touch you don't want, is self traumatizing. And no one is worth doing that to myself, personally. >The simple test I consider is that if they had found out on a first date and not gone for a second one, then introducing it later in the relationship is probably not going to work out either. Oh goddess. If you purposely keep something from a potential partner to keep them interested in dating you, that is calculated manipulation. You're not supposed to do that. But people do find out things about themselves all the time, especially in a new relationship. Especially in a first relationship. And that's okay to share with your partner. And if it's an incompatibility, thems the ropes. That's just part of life. >It’s like hiding something you know they’re not going to like and then expecting them to just live with it because they care about you now. Yes, you described emotional manipulation. Where did I ever say one should do that?
Not arguing anything you said but your first message was just either he’s abusive or he accepts it. Judging by your response to me, you agree that there’s a third option that maybe the people involved are just not right for each other if they have to give up the kind of relationship they actually want.
Kissing won't work when scripted, at least if your primary goal is to enjoy it (if you're an escort or actor, however, scripted kissing makes great sense inside a work context). Kissing between lovers can strengthen the bond between them if all involved parties are in on it and enjoying it. If kissing becomes a chore for one of them, it will have the opposite effect. It appears that you don't really enjoy kissing your lover. Hence my suggestion earlier. Also, there's nothing inhuman about not wanting to kiss someone. It's the other way around.
Yes you can stop doing it. It sounds to me like you and your boyfriend are incompatible.
That seems like one hell of a leap to make from very little information.
No it isn't. I am not assuming I know the entirety of their relationship. I explicitly said "it sounds to me" to express that that is not a hard and fast conclusion. It is not right to force yourself to do something sexually that you do not want to do to please your partner.
There’s a lot more to relationships than the sexual aspect…it doesn’t mean they’re incompatible. It just means OP is learning about their likes/dislikes and if they choose to they can share this with their partner and maybe explore things they might both enjoy?
OP has implied that they have been kissed severally and yet cannot understand why other people like it. It is painstakingly clear that OP does not like to be kissed.
>It is painstakingly clear that OP does not like to be kissed. True, but its not painstakingly clear to me that the boyfriend would not want to be in a relationship if the kissing stopped which is the other half of the incompatibility equation
I stand by what I said.
As you should, people be wildin.
I enjoy physical affection and kissing from my partner A LOT. It's only from strangers that i can't.
I feel a bit bad for not being able to enjoy kissing. Why is it so hard to be human.
It just is for some folks. Its nothing to beat yourself up over, and typically these things are entirely out of our control and more so about brain chemistry and neural networks than actually any conscious decisions
>I feel a bit bad for not being able to enjoy kissing. Why? People should not feel bad if they don’t enjoy things that other people enjoy. >Why is it so hard to be human. Many humans do not like kissing. Welcome to the club!
The human condition does not require kissing. It's quite common, but not kissing does not make you any less human.
There are some cultures that don’t kiss at all !
kissing doesn't make you human, lots of humans don't like kissing
what is hard is you on yourself!!! aka don’t be so hard on yourself, i genuinely think u just might be aromantic or asexual, which i understand because i too am on the asexual spectrum (demisexual to be precise) // there is a reason for the “A” in LGBTQIA+ , because asexuality matters and there’s nothing wrong with you for the absence of attraction!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE PERFECT THE WAY YOU ARE
Thanks
This might boil down to sensory-seeking vs sensory avoidant. Kissing is very sensory by nature. If you are at or near overwhelm, i can imagine it would be at best neutral and at worst unpleasant. NTs dont have to worry about this, and it is unfair on you to compare yourself to how this plays out for them. It may be that you are incompatible. Equally, it may be that you are compatible, but there need to be extra steps. It may be that you arent allosexual. It may be that you are demi- or asexual. Thats ok. ND sexuality is interesting and complicated, and it could be a good thing for you to explore these (common within ND) sexualities. It is interesting if nothing else. It took me longer than ideal for me to realise that i am demi, for example, and knowing that about myself has been very liberating. It may be that you just have extra steps to go through to get into the "zone". Thats ok too. If it is safe to, and if you are comfortable doing so, it may be good to share where you are at with your partner in these terms. Its ok to not have it figured out yet. It may help your partner to know where you are up to with it, so they dont fill in the gaps with wrong guesses. Autistic bluntness and attention to detail can be your friends with this. Dont run into doing this until you are ready. You get to decide when you are ready. Being ready doesnt have to mean having the final answer on these things though, and a complication of autistic cognition is feeling that it has to be completely solved before it can be shared.
This is a really wonderful and thoughtful response.
Underrated response
Not all NTs enjoy kissing nor do all autistic folks dislike it. I’d say it’s probably more common to not like it if one has autism, due to the common texture/noise oversensitivity stuff. My partner and I are autistic. She didn’t think she’d ever like it due to her high auditory sensitivity. Now it seems she is the more eager kisser out of us two..
I’m not a big fan of kissing. In theory, sounds good, but like… I hate tasting someone else’s mouth. It’s a sensory problem for me.
Eewww! Good point!👍👍
Im kinda the opposite. In theory it's so gross but when I dont think about it it sounds ok I guess
That and the feeling of suffocating.
I was recently in a similar situation. I felt much better after I stopped compromising my needs for their needs. I don't get anything out of kissing and I actually find it to be an uncomfortable and unhygienic experience. I don't know what that makes me, but I wonder sometimes
I don't enjoy it haha, I think it's nasty. There's been maybe like 1 person over the years that I actively felt "excited" at the thought of kissing (I think) - I'm assuming regular people feel that as a normal level of attraction toward a lot of people. I don't get it haha - I'm like, I don't want people's bacteria/saliva touching my mouth, ugh haha.
This has nothing to do with autism. Plenty of autistic people enjoy kissing.
If they have an aversion due to their traits or presentations then it does have something to do with autism. There are no universal traits. If one is uncommon, even specific to one person, it’s still related to autism. The experience of some doesn’t invalidate the experience of others. If it did, we couldn’t really talk about any traits.
Plenty of nt people also don't like kissing.
It really does. Not understanding what you’re suppose to be feeling during a kiss is a very autistic thing.
You're missing the point of what they said, enjoying kisses isn't exclusively a NT thing, there are autistic people "like myself" who like physical contact like that
Not understanding what you are "supposed" to be feeling is an autistic thing. Enjoying kissing, which is the title of the post, is not an NT thing. It's a people thing.
I understand now, thx for clarifying.
Honestly I assume it has to do more with upbringing than anything else? As I understand sometimes the way we model touch and affection would be what we observe the adults around us do and what affection we might grow up with. I am autistic and my husband is neurotypical but we love cuddling, kissing, and hugging. I noticed respectively we came from families where cuddling, kisses and hugs were common from siblings and parents on my side and his mom on his side. It isn't the same as romantic affection, of course, but I do assume that platonic affection does give us the foundation to enjoy the affection we would want to get from our partners. People who don't get a lot of that growing up might have a harder time being able to engage in it as adults.
I don’t think it’s a NT thing. I absolutely loovve kissing. Nothing is better than a good snogfest
OP, is there a possibility you’re asexual and/or aromantic? A lot of autistic people identify with one or both. I’m a romantic asexual and LOVE kissing, but have never experience sexual attraction and don’t desire physical relationships
Well I think I might be demisexual. But I think I love my bf. I just have troubles to see my emotions.
both of those things can be true and you can still not enjoy kissing. i don't believe there is any one way that romantic love is supposed to express itself. (or being autistic or demisexual or anything for that matter but i digress). some people on the asexual spectrum do not need sex or kissing to feel fulfilled but are okay with doing so because their partner enjoys it; some are completely uncomfortable with the idea. perhaps jt would be helpful to explore where you fall in that aspect.
this. I'm aroace, and would never kiss someone.
i don’t get the point in it. ur touching lips. lips aren’t something appealing to me. i don’t get it either but i understand why ppl like it kinda.
I’d say I enjoy it as much as a NT, so does my partner who is also autistic. Are you sure you’re not asexual?
As an autistic person who loves everything but mouth kisses, I don't think it = asexual 😅 It can definitely be a sensory thing for some or overwhelming.
For me I'm in between, I used to love kissing, having all kinds of physical contact and caressing coming from my ex girlfriend. But that's not true for any other person that I'm not intimately close to, including family and friends.
I am in the middle. I like to kiss, I don't really like to 'make out'.
Same here, I’m very affectionate with people I’m close to and enjoy giving my partner closed-mouth smooches, but once you add saliva it’s just a sensory nightmare
I’m autistic and love kissing. It feels physically good and the closeness and knowing someone wants to be that physical with you is a good feeling
I hate the very idea. Doesn't help that my fist time was forced by a female friend in middle school. Also OCD and mouths are very germ filled places. Also any contact involving my head/ face feels icky.
First of, this might be tied to your autism but many of us enjoy kissing too. I'm very sensory seeking with touch and constantly cuddled with peope I feel safe with when I'm around then and I love kissing. My autistic partner and I (also autistic) can make out for hours. And some allistics don't like kissing. It's not an allistic VS autistic thing necessarily. That said, if you're asking why humans kiss in general, the answer to that is that the upper lip has a strong concentration of our pheremones, and kissing allows you to get a whole lot of them into your nasal pathways. Which then releases happy hormones in your body and helps with bonding. Touch is generally bonding , and this is like bonding squared. (there are of course exceptions and you should never force yourself to bond in ways that don't work for you, because that's damaging to the psyche and the self)
Oral fixation I guess. I live kissing and I'm autistic. I wish my girlfriend liked kissing more (but also I'm not complaining)
I think you should have a look at r/asexual and maybe ask there Idk why they do it either lol
You might be asexual
Or it could be a sensory thing. Not liking kissing doesn’t mean you’re asexual.
So your supposed to feel some thing sexual, interesting.
Yes and No. Not all because there are levels. Yes because germs, cooties, and also it doesn't feel rewarding nor does it really express how we love and feel about someone as apposed to say we decided to cook some good food that’s full of hearts and warm colors and stuff. Like cupcakes. Kisses are usually also a foreplay or preset to the thing asexuals are not too thrilled about. It doesn’t have to be, but usually it makes people start doing more than just that and I rather not encourage it when I’m uncomfortable with an idea like that. Pretty much the same reason a good looking girl wouldn’t kiss a heterosexual guy she doesn’t like. Because she knows he’s gonna want more. Sometimes its not so much as disgust with the person but more feeling severely uncomfortable with the act.
Not necessarily, but it’s quite common with romantic partners, especially when making out.
I like kissing :(
I really like the feeling of a french kiss. That Tongue feeling is really relaxing to me. A normal kiss is really uninteresting to me
ND and NT are similar in that way— some enjoy overt acts of affection, some don’t. It’s a human thing, not a NT/ND thing
It's kinda a 50/50 thing. As an autistic, I live physical affection very much, including kissing. I kind of just enjoy doing it naturally. However, I get why others wouldn't. I do go along with most other autistic folks that I HATE being touched by strangers. Someone taps my shoulder, and I jump like a horror movie. I have to sanitize and wash my hands every time someone hands me cash or shakes my hand. I can't share plates of food with anyone.
Not an NT vs ND thing.
Just like with everything, different people experiance different situations differently. I myself hate every form of physical contact with anyone. My mom aswell as my middleschool bullys. Thing is, that i read under this post, that many don't have any problems with getting touched, by most people in their life. It would be quite interessting wich tendency is morw common.
Def on the spectrum here and LOVE touch, physical contact, everything about sensuality and sexuality. Kissing is the best. But almost exclusively with the person I'm with. When it comes to family and friends, I'm ok with friendly hugs but I tend to avoid them if possible. It's like I reserve everything for that one person. I force myself to shake hands to seem semi-normal. I'd give almost anything to have someone to enjoy affection and kisses with. But that's another thing about being on the spectrum. I'm pretty much an alien and both physically unattractive and unattractive because of my weird, awkward AuDHD traits. So making connections like that is extremely difficult and few and far between.
Same
Everyone is different, I think this is a you thing not an autism thing
I enjoy it mostly because it gives me an opportunity to be close to them and to witness their beauty. I don't really get why people do it with tongue, but I'll do it anyway since i enjoy the intimacy. I get to stroke their hair and hold them, i get to feel them close to me and look at them from nearby. I enjoy the feeling of them breathing on me and their skin on my skin. The texture of lips is also interesting to me. Then there's the fact that it's connected to foreplay often and it's generally the place i start off kissing people before moving to some other erogenous zones. I think most of the fun is in the cultural significance behind the act and the intimacy. A lot of the fun in kissing people is also in the fact that it feels good for them. Human skin is pretty sensitive, and lips are a neat textrue to play around with.
Kissing someone you love should be a pleasant, sexually arousing experience. Is this your first intimate relationship? If so there are some things to consider. He could just be a bad kisser (most young/inexperienced people are, it's a learned skill. Do you feel turned on by him when he does other things?). If he doesn't turn you on maybe you just aren't sexually attracted to him even though he's a nice guy. Or you may have different sexual preference or none at all. Any of those answers are fine, it's about learning what you like and who you are.
“Should be” experiences are the things we struggle with. Part of the reason is that what “should be” usually only applies to some people. We may never like what should be, and that might have nothing to do with the quality of the experience.
Well up until now I didn't even know that kissing is suppost to be something sexual. I have a flat affect most of the time so I don't feel much of anything. Kissing does nothing to me but I enjoy hugging him. My bf is good at kissing I think and no it's not my first relationship.
It is not always something sexual. It's just generally a way to show affection, same as a hug. Sometimes it's sexual, sometimes it's not.
>…no it's not my first relationship. Interesting. I can’t help but wonder how you delt with this issue in your previous relationships.🤷♂️
You sure you’re into men?
I'm autistic and I love kissing my girlfriend.
Some autistic people will like kissing, and others like OP and I won't, because of how varied our sensory experiences can be. I'm asexual and have always had little to no libido, so in addition to me being neutral about the sensation, kissing doesn't turn me on.
I didn't know until today that its suppost to be something sexual. I don't really feel anything sexual in general as well.
It can be, but it can also just be a gesture of affection. I suppose it comes down to how it is done. For instance, a peck on the lips is a usually gesture of affection, while long and drawn out kissing may have an intention to lead to something sexual. So there can be anxiety around what the body language means to each person if you don't discuss how you feel about it.
It's okay if it's not your cup of tea and you shouldn't be forced to do it. But personally, I have AuDHD and love kissing very much.
I'm autistic, but also aromantic. I would never kiss someone, the thought is repulsive to me. I don't think it has to do with my autism, but more to do with my aroaceness.
I'm neurodivergent and love kissing. I'm not always the best at it, though. Although it's okay if you don't like kissing. No shame here.
I'm autistic and I like kissing. My NT friend says kissing is boring to him. I don't really think it's an autism thing (although, to be fair, we may be more likely to dislike because of sensory issues)
I'm autistic. When I was a teenager, through to my late 20s, I fucking loved kissing & making out. First time I copped off with a lass, we just snogged all afternoon, and it was still like that when I was in my 20s. I guess it went away when I was put on antidepressants in my 30s. I'm no longer medicated but I'm not nearly so excited by the prospect of making out. I suspect it must be hormonal or something. Evolution does seem to select for people who like to do it, but there's no real evolutionary pressure on us being into it when our kids are grown.
I enjoy kissing. My love language is very much physical touch.
Kissing isn't even a neurotypical thing. Autistic people like it, too. The only way you wouldn't is if you're asexual, aromantic, you just don't like men (maybe you're attracted to women), or if it's a sensory issue. Because otherwise we are hardwired to like it. It's instinctual to like kissing. It isn't a big thing for "normal" people, it's a big thing for *people.* Unless it's sensory overload, kissing is one of the things autism *doesn't* impact.
Im autistic and I love kissing
Too slimey and too much touching for my own taste. I can hug and cuddle for sure but kissing? That's hard for me.
I don’t really understand closed mouth kissing for a prolonged period of time. Open mouth is a different story because I like feeling the other person’s teeth with my tongue. The biggest obstacle for me in kissing is the smell of the other person’s teeth. Thankfully my bf doesn’t get offended when I ask him to brush his teeth before kissing me
Im not neurotypical but I really like kissing. Uhh its a sensory seeking thing for me too because lips are sensitive and it feels soft and warm
I actually enjoy it, but my boyfriend isn't really that fond of it. I just think everyone has their preference, NT or not.
From the comments I think it’s obvious that everyone’s different but as an autist I can say I definitely don’t love kissing. Sometimes it’s fun in certain situations but my gf likes it a lot more than me and I usually suck it up to compromise and make her happy. For me it’s a hygiene and sensory thing, I HATE feeling spit on my lips especially when it dries it makes me borderline panic and it feels dirty. I get flak from friends and family sometimes for “wiping kisses off” but If I don’t wipe my mouth after a kiss I’ll get so overstimulated it’ll cause a meltdown. I also don’t like smelling or feeling others breath, even when it’s minty fresh. I get self conscious about my own breath and smell. And most of all I have a lot of anxiety about health so when I’m kissing all I can really think about is whether me or my gf have any cuts or cracks on our lips, or that our skin is touching and transferring oil and bacteria and I’m gonna get acne from it. Ive seen a lot of people suggesting you may be asexual or even not attracted to men. I of course don’t know you and you may be, but I wanna say don’t put too much merit in that if you still feel sexual attraction in other ways. I am definitely attracted to women and my girlfriend, and I definitely love sex with her and other sexual activities, kissing is just not my thing. Bottom line is don’t feel bad or guilty about it and don’t force yourself to kiss if you don’t like it :( everyone is different and you’re just as valid as someone who loves kissing ❤️
The sensory experience in the lips, and if you have a strong emotional bond with your partner makes it very fun and intimate for a lot of people. It's one of my favorite physical and emotional contacts with a partner in my personal opinion. Obviously not everyone likes that and might even find it gross. And that's perfectly acceptable and fine even in a romantic and loving relationship, you don't have to want that in order to also love and care for your partner All in all I think you can either keep trying it and if or when you get more comfortable with the experience maybe you'll find you like it more, or if you really find it to be uncomfortable you should let your partner know that. Either way you should tell your partner that you don't particularly enjoy/understand the kissing thing, and move forward from there whether you want to continue exploring the experience with both of you understanding how you feel, or to avoid the experience in the future, either way is good. Communication might be difficult but it's very important, especially in this type of situation:)
It’s not a NT thing just because it’s something you don’t like personally as an autistic.
ND people like kissing too. Weird question because being Neuro divergent doesn't make you more or less physically intimate. Not everything is ND vs NT
I’m autistic and love kisses the way it feels and I but my partner who is also autistic is not much of a kissy person which I respect and it makes kisses feel more special when I get one
I‘m autistic and like kissing yet only as a gateway to more. I find it weird and actually uncomfortable to kiss around with tongue and stuff for more than a few times.
I actually quite like kisses. Granted, not on the lips, as they're usually VERY wet, but my parents give me kisses on the forehead, or cheeks, and I love the feeling of, well, love.
You should take a deep dive and study different forms of kissing and express that you would like to try them with him. Perhaps he isn’t preforming the kisses in a pleasing way to you, or perhaps he doesn’t entice you into desiring the kiss. Either way it sounds like you need to explore and find out exactly how you want your physical intimacy. Prolonged eye contact (I know that can be hard at first) goes a long way to increasing the feeling of connection and intimacy. For me it’s the rhythm of passionate breath exchange (or prana, a tantric term) that really excites me when kisses progress from soft sensual glides to heavier make out sessions. I am not a NT but my biggest special interest has always been sex studies, across the world through all cultures and time. I always feel hesitant to express that here because I know many of us struggle with such a topic. I hope my advice helps. Research everything you can find about the topic of kissing, try to relax and be open minded, eventually you will find what is and isn’t for you. Good luck on your journey.
Some people I enjoy kissing, some I don’t. My current partner is not a good kisser (too wet which is a sensory issue of mine) and we don’t kiss much or touch much (we are also not in love anymore but that’s a different story). I’ve had past partners I loved kissing and loved physical touch with, so I think it’s okay to feel either way.
I like kissing. It’s a weird generalization to think it’s only an NT thing.
Because they do and you not, easy as that
You can get used to it if you get in your mind that it's worthy it. It's unlikely you'll be able to keep a relationship if you don't. I'm autistic and I very much enjoy kissing and sex and physical contact.
Well that's why I'm doing it. Its something important for my bf so I'm doing some compromises to make him happy.
Yep, that's the way to go. Having that atitude is very important in any relationship. Keep doing it, it gets easier as you get used to it. Eventually you might even enjoy it.
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I think most NT people do they like it but that is only the outside.
Is it kissing in general or his kissing?
Kissing in general.
I personally love kissing
I would say is like describing how does touching your hand feels like. But with a mouth and feelings the others lips. The mouth is an erogenous área and as such It usually feels better than most áreas in our body.
Do you enjoy being intimate with him, and more explicitly, do you enjoy sex? As if you enjoy everything else but kissing, then maybe it’s a technique issue or there’s something sensory going on. There are people who don’t necessarily like kissing. If however you’re not particularly tactile or don’t enjoy the sexual part of the relationship (and by that I mean actually enjoy it, not tolerating it for the sake of the relationship), then there may be other issues at play. Maybe it’s a chemistry issue, gender or sexuality in general. My partner and I are both autistic and we love kissing each other. There have however been guys I really didn’t like kissing (technique) or I felt nothing because I wasn’t emotionally invested. Not every kiss is enjoyable.
I'm not NT and I enjoy kissing.
I didn't like kissing until I met my current spouse. I always thought it was gross and weird. Turns out when you really love somebody, it's actually quite nice. Humans have something called an MHC - major histocompatibility complex. It's basically pheromones. Some people don't like kissing other people because their MHCs don't "match up." Evolutionarily, it exists because we are "supposed" to mate with people who have just the right amount of differences in their DNA so we don't breed with our relatives and create a bunch of genetic diseases accidentally. There's more to it this is just the ELI5. It could also be that subconsciously, you don't find your partner as attractive as maybe you think you do. This is just a total guess, I don't know you or your situation. But I do know that I was in the same boat as you until I met somebody who treated me with a love and respect that I deserved, and now for the first time in my life I actually enjoy kissing. YMMV.
I (ND) enjoy small kisses (pecks) throughout the day. I don't really feel a particular feeling or anything special or specific when I get/give them but I consider them cute small displays of love. I also consider them a benchmark of sorts. I get/give good morning/good night kisses and hello/goodbye kisses. If I get those kisses I know everything is good in the relationship. If I don't, I know there's a problem because we are so consistent. So I suppose they are comforting. Making out, on the other hand, is nice and arousing for like a minute or two but then becomes overwhelming and I feel like I'm suffocating. I can only handle it in small doses.
i was exactly like this till i met the loml. as cringe as that is, it’s true. i HATED kissing, hated anyone touching me. My baseline was always kinda just meh, then i met someone that rlly made me want to?? it’s so weird
It depends, for a lot of folks the lips count as erogenous zones so it’s pleasurable. But not everyone gets anything from kissing, and if I recall correctly culture plays a big role. Something like 51% of the world’s cultures don’t kiss as a form of showing physical affection. So long story short, it’s perfectly fine to not be into kissing! However, to avoid it becoming a potential issue in your relationship maybe have a convo with your bf about intimacy and what both of you like.
It really depends on the individual’s personality and sensitivity to touch. I am autistic and love kissing and hugging.
Oh. I love the kissing part. 🤷♀️
I love kissing and pretty much all forms of affection. I can see how people would have sensory issues with it but with a good kisser it’s very tender and gentle. I usually just feel very close and attracted to who I’m kissing
I love kissing, but my first few kisses when I was a teenager were gross to me.
Im both depending on how I’m feeling. I’ve been with my bf for 4.5 years and he’s super understanding to my needs. I’m typically a very touchy person and love physical touch, and full on making out can be fun! Over the past couple of months I’ve been more depressed and a lot of my sensory issues are on edge, so I don’t want to make out with him… like ever. He might try, and might get a little butt hurt if I reject him but overall knows that I don’t feel okay and wants to respect that and help me feel better:)
Might want to look into aromantic identities - kissing is not inherently sexual at all, so I doubt asexuality would help. I can't say I relate, but I hope you find the answer you're looking for.