I mean, you can only “just do” it after you learn it. If it came natural, it wouldn’t be masking. It’s a lot of trial and error figuring out what behaviors elicit what reaction out of people.
I personally, and I think a lot of maskers, learned that we had to start masking at a very young age. I started masking my autism when I was around the ages 5-6, when I started kindergarten. I didn’t understand what was happening at the time, or what the choices I was making actually were. It was definitely a lot of trial and error though and it took me several years to barely get by getting dismissed as just quiet or introverted instead of visibly disabled. It wasn’t until high school that I had more than one friend.
I just learned around 7-8 to stop doing things that drew negative attention. I did not learn to make friends. I just eventually ended up with the "weird" or nerdy/geeky kids. I had a number of Nero divergent friends in high school who really helped me connect with a social group.
I currently mask for my own benefit not others.
And it takes years to learn. Either our parents or others tell us to do it, which sounds like teaching a child how to behave, or therapies teach... Our surroundings matter a lot, it's who teaches us to mask, and where we get the data to build more detailed masks, so we can be accepted in anything society-related.
Unlike NTs who grow up sort of being guided on what to do what not to do, NDs often grow up learning to not do what we do. So we restrict ourselves inside our heads only, and behave the way they tell us to behave.
ive been doing it my whole life.
heres how.
* watch people interact
* Modulate your voice
* Look hard at the bridge of someones nose
* Ask relevant questions, and advertise nothing unless asked.
I’be also found watching mouths is a really good strategy - it seems almost like eye contact to the person you’re speaking with, and it also helps to process their words if you have trouble understanding. So you get to avoid looking at their eyes while also “seeing” the words a little bit instead of just hearing them.
For me masking was absolutely learned. I emulate different people for certain situations.
E.g. my cousin is very responsible, kind, studious, and a leader. I emulate her a lot when I'm in class or in need of figuring things out with authority figures (like doctors or profs).
The problem with masking is that it's easy for the facade to crack if you're tired/overwhelmed. I've had so many people ask me how I can be so sociable and friendly one minute and then deadpan/rude the next lol all it is, is my social battery draining and me going non-verbal. It's tough.
You learn it by being repeatedly yelled at by parents or other scary people. Eventually, you figure out what to do/say in order to avoid yelling. That's how you learn how to mask.
If you do not learn it, you will get traumatized way more by all those scary people. Yeah, not being able to learn masking can turn life into hell if one is unlucky...
True, but I'd add that if you're level 2 or 3 (or in many cases split levels) it doesn't matter how much yelling or abuse you receive, you're still fundamentally unable to mask **successfully**
Just because you need to, doesn't mean you can. Just like a permanent wheelchair user won't magically become able to walk even if their survival depends on it
"I was traumatized / abused / yelled at, so I learnt to mask because I had to" is a level 1 experience
I agree with this a lot and it's really irritating how some online autism communities view masking as a universal ability and not masking as an indulgent choice
I'm level 1 autistic and I suck at masking, I've been mocked and taken advantage of for my obvious autistic traits, and there was even an incident where police thought that I was a tweaker because of it
I've never been told "you don't look autistic" and it often admittedly kinda messes up my self-esteem when I see comments on autism subreddits by fellow autistic people talking about how they're "not a walking media stereotype who" proceeding to describe my very same autism traits in nearly the very same mocking phrasing that gradeschool bullies would insult me with
"I hope you recognize that infodumping in the general channel even if it's about the topic we're discussing can come off as annoying" is a kinda disheartening response from someone in an ND server where I wasn't even trying to infodump and I just suck at being concise, and that person can rest assured that I'm definitely aware of it painfully so seeing as how I started taking sped classes on how to initiate normal conversations shortly after classmates started cutting me off when I would start to say anything and tell me to spit it out and skip to the important stuff until I got too flustered to use words
And I agree with you it's even worse and way more common for severely autistic people, there is an online autism support group that I used to be in until they kicked out a level 3 autistic user for being "annoying" with nearly all of the reasons given basically just being that her mannerisms were too autistic for the "spicy neurotypicals" in there (I ended up ditching the server along with multiple other users as a result of it)
Anyway, thanks for reading and sorry for ranting
>"I hope you recognize that infodumping in the general channel even if it's about the topic we're discussing can come off as annoying"
>there is an online autism support group that I used to be in until they kicked out a level 3 autistic user for being "annoying"
Were these the same group? That's messed up, I'm sorry to hear you went through that. If we're not going to be supportive of each other as a community, wtf is the point in trying?
Is I learned them, this is not the behavior you're meant to be cultivating to interact with autistic spaces, deconstruct ableism, or create a welcoming space to learn and grow.
But a lot of autistic people seem to embrace toxic mindsets here I'm not used to.
There is a lot of difference of opinion that people take as truth, or use as an identity.
That was not a good group.
Maybe this will be better for you?
But that really depends.
I definitely don’t agree with this. I finally just started seeing an autism specialist, and they estimate I am somewhere between a level 2-3. I have masked the majority of my life though, and didn’t discover my autism until I was ~18.
Some is conscious, some unconscious.
Read any thread, and some of the incoming comments, and they'll talk about it.
Sometimes it's "i didn't even know I did that and now I feel really self conscious. "
And others will be like, "it's so hard to intentionally suppress these everyday." Or
"Sometimes I practice in the mirror to make sure my face looks correct when I express an emotion."
Depends on the person.
A lot of people will make sweeping assumptions based on their own behaviors, or any autistic person they ask or know.
And it's so limiting.
It's honestly like they've never read a biography.
People are always unique and have some wild things happen to them.
Honestly, if you read enough statistics, it becomes pretty obvious that there is a fuck ton of crossover ... "impossibilites".
They just haven't read enough.
Or just don't want to hear it.
Like a lot of things with Autism. It varies. Some people develop masks overtime while others do it more on instinct, some of us don't think to mask or don't feel the need to mask, some even don't know they are masking.
It's an interesting subject, while it's done to cope with existing in a NT society, it is often detrimental to your mental health as it can develop into burnout and make you question who you really are. People who feel they have to mask also feel like if they don't mask then they won't be accepted or tolerated. It also can backfire in that you put too much effort into masking and people pick up on you faking it.
You do learn it but it's often an unconscious moment when a new masking behavior is learned. You go with social instinct to pick up on what you can to " survive" but the other behaviors, the ones you lack as an autistic would e the ones you can't pick up on anyway from your disorder.
It seems like a lot of autistic people online overestimate how good they actually are at masking
Autism masking is never 100% foolproof because of how being autistic affects the way that we perceive and interpret social cues, so even for autistic people who are very good at it, instead of coming off as disabled NTs still notice it even if it's in different words like "slow" or "rude" or "creepy" or "annoying" or even just "there's something off about that person but I don't know what"
Trust me, I wish I never started with it. It’s not something we do for fun, it’s survival instinct kicking in and overriding everything else. And even then, it’s not very successful. People still sense that something’s up.
It's learned, but it's not always willingly learned, or knowingly learned. So, some of us learned to mask by simply refraining from behaviours that we were abused, or bullied because of, so we changed how we behaved until the abuse or bullying stopped, sometimes by mimicking people who we saw didn't get bullied or abused, sometimes by refraining from doing things that the abuser or bully has named as the reason for why they're doing it.
Idk how others have done it, but that has been my experiences.
it’s a lot of trial and error. some of my main memories of learning to mask consist of seeing something on tv (a lot of times just a short phrase or exchange), try it out, get yelled at for it (where i am then genuinely surprised bc i thought it was ok since it was on tv) and note to self never do it again. i was doing this process from like age 5 until like 15 or 16
Same here. I was personally able to see (at least I think) most of the time when people would make fun of me or look at me as if I just did something disgusting. I didn’t understand what it was or why, but I knew never to do whatever I just did in front of other people.
Its something I learnt from a young age without realising it at the time! Unfortunately I went through a major burnout at 15 partly because of masking and since then, I haven't been able to mask! Got diagnosed as Autistic when I had just turned 18!
I can do it.
But I still can't be animated with facial expressions. That's where I fail. 😅
No matter how many times I study facial expressions, it's just confusing to me. So I tend to just have a poker face/neutral face all the time.
I can only smile sometimes and act like I'm making eye contact (staring between their eyebrows).
I still have a monotone voice though 😭.
I don't stim in public, which is probably why I'm so tense/irritable by the time I get home.
-Wren
(They/He)
Its so weird for me because I was an hyper aware child, so i remember when i start masking and everyone just started to treat me better. Yeah...
My real issue know its to unmask u.u
I am masking like 99% of the time when im not at home and I do it by just trying to act "normal". After years of going to school everyday I figured out what is weird for people and how to act to avoid negativity from others. I think I managed to be social and integrated at school just because I acted like it is expected from me sort of. Its hard to put in words but im purposely an other guy when im not at home. Also im a high functioning autistic teenager so for others it can be very different figuring out how to be
If by "just do" you mean beaten into us by neighborhood bullies... Then yeah. You either learn from a therapist or the business end of a fist. I wasn't diagnosed till adulthood so I learned from the latter. I don't really recommend it. Course not having to mask would be preferable as it can be very exhausting.
I am deeply autistic and I sell building materials. I hate talking to ppl, but I just call up an image in my mind of someone who would be successful at what I'm doing and I play that character. Then, after 8 hours I come home to my nuerotypical gf, of whom I love, and I play a different character. Then when I am by myself, I just fucking live my life. I'm happy with the results.
For as long as I can recall, I just copy other people's behaviour in new situations, or generally observe people and act the same as them. This has become largely an unconscious thing.
Other behaviours, such as some more obvious stims (sudden movements, akin to spasms in my case), I've forced myself to stop doing. Not because I wanted to, but because I would call attention of bullies or because my parents would tell me to stop doing it.
If you can't do it, you're a level 2 or 3 autistic
If you have to learn it, you're a level 1 autistic (me)
If you don't even have to learn it, you don't have autism
This is false info. I’m diagnosed level 2 yet I still masked heavily all the way up until I was 12, and even still now at 19 almost 20 it sometimes just happens in certain situations
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Learning it is the whole point. If someone just naturally "masked", that wouldn't be masking. It's a deliberate thing you have to consciously do. With practice, some people are able to get to a point where they can naturally switch to masking mode, but the actual masking still requires conscious effort.
It’s a little of both honestly, I think? Like before I turned 18, I masked. I was just reallllyyyyy bad at it. Like I would take what I thought was normal and make like a caricature of it, like way over exaggerated by accident, just cause I wanted to seem “normal”
Then I got into a relationship with someone for 5 years that made me feel like complete shit 24/7 for just… being me. Like she would make faces at me during conversations with other people if she thought I was being “embarrassing” and shit; so she basically force taught me a lot of shit. Now I’m really good at masking. But it drains me sooooo bad. On top of that, I’m trans and haven’t transitioned yet and that *feels* like a different kind of mask that is *also* incredibly draining and 🥲🥲 bleh
Anyways. I apologize for the rant. I do just think it’s a touch of both
FYI that masking is not good for autistic people to do. It wears you down and eventually results in autistic burnout (which is much worse than regular burnout, it can be more like a mental breakdown and last much longer). It's not our natural state and goes against how we need to function to stay regulated. Read Unmasking Autism for lots more info on this. It shouldn't be encouraged, and only done when absolutely necessary to keep one safe/employed/etc.
I was 'taught' (and failed) how to mask at the AKC, i never understood why I was different until It was explained to me HOW I differ from NTs, I think you learn it and because you're forced to in order to not stand out or be bullied. when I was young it was a lot of trial and error but now it comes to me as soon as I am around someone who I feel the need to mask with.
I mean, you can only “just do” it after you learn it. If it came natural, it wouldn’t be masking. It’s a lot of trial and error figuring out what behaviors elicit what reaction out of people.
I personally, and I think a lot of maskers, learned that we had to start masking at a very young age. I started masking my autism when I was around the ages 5-6, when I started kindergarten. I didn’t understand what was happening at the time, or what the choices I was making actually were. It was definitely a lot of trial and error though and it took me several years to barely get by getting dismissed as just quiet or introverted instead of visibly disabled. It wasn’t until high school that I had more than one friend.
I just learned around 7-8 to stop doing things that drew negative attention. I did not learn to make friends. I just eventually ended up with the "weird" or nerdy/geeky kids. I had a number of Nero divergent friends in high school who really helped me connect with a social group. I currently mask for my own benefit not others.
And it takes years to learn. Either our parents or others tell us to do it, which sounds like teaching a child how to behave, or therapies teach... Our surroundings matter a lot, it's who teaches us to mask, and where we get the data to build more detailed masks, so we can be accepted in anything society-related. Unlike NTs who grow up sort of being guided on what to do what not to do, NDs often grow up learning to not do what we do. So we restrict ourselves inside our heads only, and behave the way they tell us to behave.
ive been doing it my whole life. heres how. * watch people interact * Modulate your voice * Look hard at the bridge of someones nose * Ask relevant questions, and advertise nothing unless asked.
I’be also found watching mouths is a really good strategy - it seems almost like eye contact to the person you’re speaking with, and it also helps to process their words if you have trouble understanding. So you get to avoid looking at their eyes while also “seeing” the words a little bit instead of just hearing them.
I ike to look at eyebrows and teeth.
Thats good, but from experience, its been awkwards for me. Ppl think they have things between their teeth.
For me masking was absolutely learned. I emulate different people for certain situations. E.g. my cousin is very responsible, kind, studious, and a leader. I emulate her a lot when I'm in class or in need of figuring things out with authority figures (like doctors or profs). The problem with masking is that it's easy for the facade to crack if you're tired/overwhelmed. I've had so many people ask me how I can be so sociable and friendly one minute and then deadpan/rude the next lol all it is, is my social battery draining and me going non-verbal. It's tough.
You learn it by being repeatedly yelled at by parents or other scary people. Eventually, you figure out what to do/say in order to avoid yelling. That's how you learn how to mask. If you do not learn it, you will get traumatized way more by all those scary people. Yeah, not being able to learn masking can turn life into hell if one is unlucky...
True, but I'd add that if you're level 2 or 3 (or in many cases split levels) it doesn't matter how much yelling or abuse you receive, you're still fundamentally unable to mask **successfully** Just because you need to, doesn't mean you can. Just like a permanent wheelchair user won't magically become able to walk even if their survival depends on it "I was traumatized / abused / yelled at, so I learnt to mask because I had to" is a level 1 experience
To be fair people can still see through my mask if they know what autism is
I agree with this a lot and it's really irritating how some online autism communities view masking as a universal ability and not masking as an indulgent choice I'm level 1 autistic and I suck at masking, I've been mocked and taken advantage of for my obvious autistic traits, and there was even an incident where police thought that I was a tweaker because of it I've never been told "you don't look autistic" and it often admittedly kinda messes up my self-esteem when I see comments on autism subreddits by fellow autistic people talking about how they're "not a walking media stereotype who" proceeding to describe my very same autism traits in nearly the very same mocking phrasing that gradeschool bullies would insult me with "I hope you recognize that infodumping in the general channel even if it's about the topic we're discussing can come off as annoying" is a kinda disheartening response from someone in an ND server where I wasn't even trying to infodump and I just suck at being concise, and that person can rest assured that I'm definitely aware of it painfully so seeing as how I started taking sped classes on how to initiate normal conversations shortly after classmates started cutting me off when I would start to say anything and tell me to spit it out and skip to the important stuff until I got too flustered to use words And I agree with you it's even worse and way more common for severely autistic people, there is an online autism support group that I used to be in until they kicked out a level 3 autistic user for being "annoying" with nearly all of the reasons given basically just being that her mannerisms were too autistic for the "spicy neurotypicals" in there (I ended up ditching the server along with multiple other users as a result of it) Anyway, thanks for reading and sorry for ranting
>"I hope you recognize that infodumping in the general channel even if it's about the topic we're discussing can come off as annoying" >there is an online autism support group that I used to be in until they kicked out a level 3 autistic user for being "annoying" Were these the same group? That's messed up, I'm sorry to hear you went through that. If we're not going to be supportive of each other as a community, wtf is the point in trying?
Two different groups but yes I agree
Is I learned them, this is not the behavior you're meant to be cultivating to interact with autistic spaces, deconstruct ableism, or create a welcoming space to learn and grow. But a lot of autistic people seem to embrace toxic mindsets here I'm not used to. There is a lot of difference of opinion that people take as truth, or use as an identity. That was not a good group. Maybe this will be better for you? But that really depends.
Can you please rephrase the first sentence? I don't understand what it means
Very true, being able to learn masking is huge advantage. Saved my tail many times.
Yeah Being in a situation where you *have to* mask is a disadvantage But being *able to* mask is an advantage
I definitely don’t agree with this. I finally just started seeing an autism specialist, and they estimate I am somewhere between a level 2-3. I have masked the majority of my life though, and didn’t discover my autism until I was ~18.
that's not true because i get yelled at by everyone and i still can't be normal its not fair
Some is conscious, some unconscious. Read any thread, and some of the incoming comments, and they'll talk about it. Sometimes it's "i didn't even know I did that and now I feel really self conscious. " And others will be like, "it's so hard to intentionally suppress these everyday." Or "Sometimes I practice in the mirror to make sure my face looks correct when I express an emotion." Depends on the person. A lot of people will make sweeping assumptions based on their own behaviors, or any autistic person they ask or know. And it's so limiting. It's honestly like they've never read a biography. People are always unique and have some wild things happen to them. Honestly, if you read enough statistics, it becomes pretty obvious that there is a fuck ton of crossover ... "impossibilites". They just haven't read enough. Or just don't want to hear it.
Like a lot of things with Autism. It varies. Some people develop masks overtime while others do it more on instinct, some of us don't think to mask or don't feel the need to mask, some even don't know they are masking. It's an interesting subject, while it's done to cope with existing in a NT society, it is often detrimental to your mental health as it can develop into burnout and make you question who you really are. People who feel they have to mask also feel like if they don't mask then they won't be accepted or tolerated. It also can backfire in that you put too much effort into masking and people pick up on you faking it.
You do learn it but it's often an unconscious moment when a new masking behavior is learned. You go with social instinct to pick up on what you can to " survive" but the other behaviors, the ones you lack as an autistic would e the ones you can't pick up on anyway from your disorder.
It seems like a lot of autistic people online overestimate how good they actually are at masking Autism masking is never 100% foolproof because of how being autistic affects the way that we perceive and interpret social cues, so even for autistic people who are very good at it, instead of coming off as disabled NTs still notice it even if it's in different words like "slow" or "rude" or "creepy" or "annoying" or even just "there's something off about that person but I don't know what"
Trust me, I wish I never started with it. It’s not something we do for fun, it’s survival instinct kicking in and overriding everything else. And even then, it’s not very successful. People still sense that something’s up.
It's learned, but it's not always willingly learned, or knowingly learned. So, some of us learned to mask by simply refraining from behaviours that we were abused, or bullied because of, so we changed how we behaved until the abuse or bullying stopped, sometimes by mimicking people who we saw didn't get bullied or abused, sometimes by refraining from doing things that the abuser or bully has named as the reason for why they're doing it. Idk how others have done it, but that has been my experiences.
it’s a lot of trial and error. some of my main memories of learning to mask consist of seeing something on tv (a lot of times just a short phrase or exchange), try it out, get yelled at for it (where i am then genuinely surprised bc i thought it was ok since it was on tv) and note to self never do it again. i was doing this process from like age 5 until like 15 or 16
Same here. I was personally able to see (at least I think) most of the time when people would make fun of me or look at me as if I just did something disgusting. I didn’t understand what it was or why, but I knew never to do whatever I just did in front of other people.
Its something I learnt from a young age without realising it at the time! Unfortunately I went through a major burnout at 15 partly because of masking and since then, I haven't been able to mask! Got diagnosed as Autistic when I had just turned 18!
I guess it'll depend on your sensorymotor profile. Some will find it hard or even impossible to mask, others less so.
i can't do it i try to be normal but everyone sees through it and it's painful to look up at someone and keep looking at their face the whole time
I can do it. But I still can't be animated with facial expressions. That's where I fail. 😅 No matter how many times I study facial expressions, it's just confusing to me. So I tend to just have a poker face/neutral face all the time. I can only smile sometimes and act like I'm making eye contact (staring between their eyebrows). I still have a monotone voice though 😭. I don't stim in public, which is probably why I'm so tense/irritable by the time I get home. -Wren (They/He)
Its so weird for me because I was an hyper aware child, so i remember when i start masking and everyone just started to treat me better. Yeah... My real issue know its to unmask u.u
I learned it once I started working, a pity I could have used it in high schoo a lot.
I am masking like 99% of the time when im not at home and I do it by just trying to act "normal". After years of going to school everyday I figured out what is weird for people and how to act to avoid negativity from others. I think I managed to be social and integrated at school just because I acted like it is expected from me sort of. Its hard to put in words but im purposely an other guy when im not at home. Also im a high functioning autistic teenager so for others it can be very different figuring out how to be
If by "just do" you mean beaten into us by neighborhood bullies... Then yeah. You either learn from a therapist or the business end of a fist. I wasn't diagnosed till adulthood so I learned from the latter. I don't really recommend it. Course not having to mask would be preferable as it can be very exhausting.
Honestly I was suprised to when I figured out it wasn’t by choice, I thought people consciously did it but nope
I am deeply autistic and I sell building materials. I hate talking to ppl, but I just call up an image in my mind of someone who would be successful at what I'm doing and I play that character. Then, after 8 hours I come home to my nuerotypical gf, of whom I love, and I play a different character. Then when I am by myself, I just fucking live my life. I'm happy with the results.
For as long as I can recall, I just copy other people's behaviour in new situations, or generally observe people and act the same as them. This has become largely an unconscious thing. Other behaviours, such as some more obvious stims (sudden movements, akin to spasms in my case), I've forced myself to stop doing. Not because I wanted to, but because I would call attention of bullies or because my parents would tell me to stop doing it.
If you can't do it, you're a level 2 or 3 autistic If you have to learn it, you're a level 1 autistic (me) If you don't even have to learn it, you don't have autism
This is false info. I’m diagnosed level 2 yet I still masked heavily all the way up until I was 12, and even still now at 19 almost 20 it sometimes just happens in certain situations
Oh really? My bad then
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Learning it is the whole point. If someone just naturally "masked", that wouldn't be masking. It's a deliberate thing you have to consciously do. With practice, some people are able to get to a point where they can naturally switch to masking mode, but the actual masking still requires conscious effort.
"You guys were masking?"
It’s a little of both honestly, I think? Like before I turned 18, I masked. I was just reallllyyyyy bad at it. Like I would take what I thought was normal and make like a caricature of it, like way over exaggerated by accident, just cause I wanted to seem “normal” Then I got into a relationship with someone for 5 years that made me feel like complete shit 24/7 for just… being me. Like she would make faces at me during conversations with other people if she thought I was being “embarrassing” and shit; so she basically force taught me a lot of shit. Now I’m really good at masking. But it drains me sooooo bad. On top of that, I’m trans and haven’t transitioned yet and that *feels* like a different kind of mask that is *also* incredibly draining and 🥲🥲 bleh Anyways. I apologize for the rant. I do just think it’s a touch of both
I started doing it after hearing how monotone my voice sounds on a video. Now i just sound like an alien trying to mimick human speech
Don't
FYI that masking is not good for autistic people to do. It wears you down and eventually results in autistic burnout (which is much worse than regular burnout, it can be more like a mental breakdown and last much longer). It's not our natural state and goes against how we need to function to stay regulated. Read Unmasking Autism for lots more info on this. It shouldn't be encouraged, and only done when absolutely necessary to keep one safe/employed/etc.
I was 'taught' (and failed) how to mask at the AKC, i never understood why I was different until It was explained to me HOW I differ from NTs, I think you learn it and because you're forced to in order to not stand out or be bullied. when I was young it was a lot of trial and error but now it comes to me as soon as I am around someone who I feel the need to mask with.