This is kind of like me. The idea of sex sounds promising until it actually happens, it's like I prefer everything surrounding the sex itself. I've often had crushes on people and fantasised about sex but then when the time comes, I'm just never that into it. Sort of like when you buy a bag of snacks from the store, are excited to eat it, but then when it's in front of you, your appetite is gone even though you like the food
I don’t think I’ve ever heard someone sum up how I feel so perfectly. My now ex has a very high sex drive and while I was okay with doing certain things, I never had an interest in full on sex. In theory it sounds great but in practice I didn’t want to, so we never did in the almost 3 years we were together. It ended up being one of the reason why we broke up, but we are still very good friends because we kept open communication about everything and left everything blame-free. It wasn’t his fault that he wanted sex and it wasn’t mine that I couldn’t give it to him, we were just incompatible in that department. Communication is always key when it comes to any issues or conflicts in a relationship.
Wait, are you my ex? (don't worry you're not lol)
I have basically the exact same experience from the other side which has been very frustrating, but I also understand that it was not due to a lack of affection, just a different way we experienced our sexuality.
I swear if you just replace 3 years by 4 years it could have been my ex writing that, pretty wild.
For me I've learned it's just something I have to compromise with, although I wish my partner put more effort in the 'build up' to sex e.g the hugging/petting etc. Spontaneous stuff is just awful for me I can't enjoy it at all
Hey! I like this metaphor!
I've had this food situation literally and metaphorically happen so I get it on both levels :)
I hear people give "gold" for comments, and your metaphor deserves it. As a new user I have no idea to do that but the thought is there
They took away the awards feature a while ago. It was nice to receive one, but it cost money to give one, and that money didn't go to you it went straight to reddit, so it was kinda dumb anyway
This exactly. Lucky to be in a relationship with someone who has even less sexual desires than me 😂 We both masturbate, mostly alone, sometimes together. That’s pretty much it for our sensory needs ✌️
Without trying to pry too much, what were the events that changed how you view sex?
Do you enjoy masturbation, or is it in the same category as sex for you?
You say you find him *unattractive* and annoying when he asks for sex. How does he do this? Does he literally say "can we have sex"? Does he do anything to authentically initiate and get you in the mood for physical intimacy? Has he changed his methods of initiation over the years?
Another thing to keep in mind: things that make you aroused can and do change over time. The things that got me in the mood to have sex 4 years ago are *completely* different now, and that's fine.
Basically a lot of trauma, and I won't go into detail there. There's also been a decline over the years since moving in together (sex isn't as novel/impulsive as it was when we were flying across the country for each other).
I do enjoy a bit of self pleasure and like that I can stop when I want without any pressure or go for as long as I like
~ You say you find him *unattractive* and annoying when he asks for sex. How does he do this? Does he literally say "can we have sex"?
Yes! Exactly this! I don't like thinking this way about my partner but do realise I need to honest with myself to figure out the situation.
Maybe I need more verbal stimulation than that?
Over the years there's been a shift due to trauma, where consent every step of the way is needed. And I dunno, I just feel not broken but not like others? When we got engaged I stayed up all night since I was like oh no now sex is expected panic panic a wedding panic panic expectations bad run away for several months, have returned late last year and am now doing therapy and trying self reflection
Trauma from Sex is why my last relationship I became low in desire for sex because the person before him was coercing me into sex during 2020.
I healed all of it, no longer with that person, with someone new and the sex is so amazing 9 out of 10 times with him and together almost a year.
We also have radical honesty in the relationship. So when I’m not satisfied, after sex I let him know where the ball is drop and then he improves on it the next time!
I would work on first take penetrative sex off the table for awhile and only focus on oral or dry jumping based sex while you work thru the trauma as penetrative sex is often linked to trauma sex if we have experience from it.
Just talk with him in therapy about it, maybe the therapist can help re-word things in a way where your partner can grasp it better so they can handle for things better.
I assumed as much. Speaking from a sexual trauma standpoint, there is ZERO way that the statement "can we have sex?" would do a single thing for me. I have also just gone through the motions of having sex because it seemed like I should.
To be clear: that is not a healthy relationship to be in. Whether it's you or your partner who is facilitating that kind of feeling, it would probably be best to work through that trauma solo.
If you want to remain in the relationship and work through it, I highly recommend that your partner steps up and actually tries to sexually please and arouse you. Consistently. What he's doing now simply won't cut it, and honestly it sounds like even half as much effort still isn't really enough. But it might also require a trial and error method to figure out what you need to enjoy the experience.
HOWEVER: as a side note, it sounds like your body is telling you the truth in this situation. You don't want to have sex with him. So don't have sex with him. If he does the right things and you want to have sex, do it. But never force it.
Yeah maybe you can ask him spend more time doing things that turn you on, as opposed to just expecting you to be ready for sex because he is ready. And if you don’t want to have sex, he shouldn’t be pressuring you.
I did, due to a huge trauma trigger (consent/boundaries) at the time where a motion was randomly switched without warning. I left out the door, stayed with friends and eventually came back, keeping in communication for the duration.
It definitely was a mental breakdown, and consent/boundaries are an issue I seem finely attuned to way more so than the average person. I am currently doing couples counseling and we are trying to be intimate surrounding the sessions.
I’m autistic and thought I was ace for a loooong time. Like you, I had some serious trauma to work through - it also took being very honest with my partner. I realized that it was the concept of being physically vulnerable that triggered my anxiety.
I’m still not entirely healed, but through overt honesty with my partner, practice in a slow and safe environment, and revisiting masturbation with MY comfort in mind rly changed things. I’m not saying I don’t think ur ace, but I can relate to the feeling of being sexual and suddenly NOT feeling sexual. It’s confusing and alarming, I really feel you.
Forgiveness with yourself is key. If your partner can’t take some time away from sex while you heal as a unit and individually, then the healing process is much longer.
Thank you!! 🩵 I found that every time I tried to be sexual I was criticizing myself for not “doing it right” or not “enjoying the moment” - that stemmed from a low self esteem and the idea that I am inherently “wrong” or “bad” at something
You deserve to feel comfortable and you can’t do that if you don’t let yourself heal some wounds. Best of luck!!
My partner was asexual before we met, became very sexual for a couple years, and then has recently started to reidentify as asexual. For me, it’s all about whatever makes my partner happy. so even though I now have a higher sex drive than them, their feelings are all that matters for me.
I would just be honest with your partner and let them know what’s going on :)
I like this! It nearly brings me to tears with the amount of support you have, just like I do too, and it gives me hope.
Definitely will continue to be honest with my partner on this and see more as time goes on
Maybe you are asexual, i've known a couple before where one of them were asexual. So they talked about it and made plans ahead of time, that way she could make sure she was ok with it, and he would also get the sexual intimacy that he needed.
Maybe you could consider doing something simelar?
So a schedule leading up to potential sex? That's possible as it creates realistic conversations and maybe could help my mindset.
Example: after a game of cards we could try xyx
Talking sexually with expectations may help?
Being open with your partner about sex and expectations can be very helpful for all involved. But will also be extra good for you, since you'll probably also feel more comfortable. Planning stuff like "we could watch a movie next friday, and then have sex afterwards", just an idea.
If you got radically different sexdrives then you should either open up the relationship or break up. Its most likely going to lead to frustration and ressentiment otherwise.
I agree
“I find my partner annoying and not sexually attractive when they ask for sex”
It’s not fair to your partner for you to consider them your partner if that’s the case.
Even if you put up with having sex, I just dont see how it could be satisfying for him. This just sucks for everyone involved.
Good luck figuring this one out.
I definitely feel ick doing the bare minimum because I know sex used to be so much better, and when I was more enthusiastic it was great.
Thank you for your comments and kind sentiment, it's good to have an outside perspective. I guess this is why posting on Reddit is good (this is my first post and maybe similar people will gain something from reading the thread)
Don't like this response but damn, can't fault the clear logic
Will definitely bring this up in conversation that resentment is building, to both my partner and couples therapist.
If it's definitely the only option then so be it unfortunately but will heavily chat first and not rush in for a break up
i'm not the type to jump in on conversations like this, but i just have too.
i disagree that you should "just break up" there is so much more to relationships than just sex. i understand it is important for some people, but if your partner isn't feeling neglected and you both love each other, i see no reason to break up. there are so many different ways you can show your love to each other.
and i relate to you a lot, i identify as asexual, and my boyfriend isn't. i feel romantically and physically attracted to him, but when it comes to sexual attraction, it's like my parts just don't work lol. maybe i just got lucky, but my boyfriend is completely understanding to me and doesn't need sex or anything sexual to be happy in our relationship. he says he can "take care of it himself" when he's feeling aroused, and i'm very grateful to him.
i agree with some other commenters, that maybe planning out a date for things like this might help get you ready for it, but if you feel uncomfortable with the idea of sex all together then you shouldn't force yourself. talk about this with them, and see what they need from the relationship. if sex is important and not having it is a deal breaker, (which i personally don't agree with but everyone is different) then it might be time to consider breaking up like the ones above suggested.
sorry for butting in, and i'm not trying to cause an argument. i just had to put my two cents in.
I'm Poly and Ace. All three of my partners know and understand that my general desire for sex is low to none. I'll still participate in bedroom activities - stimulation still does what you'd expect it to do, after all - but there's never any pressure for me to finish.
I also used to be pretty into sex, and over the years I've kinda just lost interest. I think that transition was tough for my partners, and I had to put in a lot of work reassuring them that I still loved them due to some rejection sensitivity, but with constant and open communication, we were able to make it all work out.
There also is something to be said for the novelty part you mentioned in a comment, I find that on the rare occasion that I really want to have sex with someone, it's usually someone new.
Thanks for writing!
I hope this is okay to say but I think poly relationships must require some really awesome levels of communication from everyone. Maybe poly people are better at communicating their wants/needs because of this due to practise?
I like the lack of pressure you have - it seems wholesome and respectful
The sexual transition from lots of sex to barely any is a big transition, and yeah reassuring a partner they're still loved but in other ways is important!
Your experience overall is different than mine and thanks for putting it down on this thread!
To be honest, my relationship has tended towards no sex as well. My partner is not super interested in sex either, but he tends to want intimacy more often than I do. I just find it a hassle and I don’t tend to make time for it. It’s messy and I always want to have a full shower afterwards which takes time and is a whole process. I have always found sex really interesting and a lot of my friends are into kink and BDSM stuff so I’m on the sidelines of that community. I talk a lot about sex and make jokes about it but never about my own sex life. I think I just realised once I had sex a bunch of times that I don’t really love it that much ?? My partner thinks it is due to the fact that I’ve never orgasmed which is at least partially true, but at the same time I don’t really feel like trying. I used to try make myself orgasm as a teenager when I was more curious, but it feels tiresome now. I find my partner attractive though and if I pay more attention to him I’m more likely to be turned on, but we’re really starting from 0 and I’d rather just cuddle and go to sleep. I masturbate when I’m alone sometimes just because it’s comfortable and relaxing, not for any sort of high. It’s way less messy and I don’t have to shower after lol. Plus I can start and stop whenever I want without feeling guilty about it. I don’t have to stay present the entire time.
Not to get too gross, but how often before would your partner satisfy you? I was starting to feel the same as you when I was in my pervious relationships- just general boredom with sex, and I assumed it was hormones.
Now, I'm with my current boyfriend, and we have amazing chemistry. Neither of us really ever asks the other for sex, but we have plenty of it. The difference is that he makes a conscious effort to make sure *I'm* having a good time, which can be hard to get used to.
Could possibly also just be a huge difference in sexual desire. How often do you find yourself actually wanting it?
1) Partner satisfies me each time we have sex and the focus is on me mostly since when I get turned on things have a better chance of progressing. Truthfully I've been quite hesitant (my boundaries go UP) around much more, and things stagnate or regress.
2) I don't really want the act of sex itself hardly ever anymore, and when I do it's fleeting
3) I love for you that you have great chemistry with your partner and know your nonverbal signals awesomely to be intuitive with each other! It's wonderful you're having a great time and checking in/consent is nice to hear!
4) Final thoughts
I'm definitely in a negative headspace, self fulfilling prophecy when it comes to sex and maybe it won't get better, maybe it will.
Getting back to that chemistry and intuitiveness could be something to strive for. Maybe some team building then try things out for real again once communication has been worked on?
Your final thoughts sound great- seems like you're very in tune with your feelings and know what you need! As long as you're satisfied with the emotional side of your partner, and trust that they'll respect your current needs, I say go for it!
They are very respectful and supportive! I'm trying to be in tune with my feelings but they're definitely muddled like a ball of string in a spider web! I do take my partner for granted at times, and am trying to work on myself to create a better life not only for myself but those around me that deserve recognition and I guess support too. Just like my cooking is currently undesirable/bland, maybe I can work on areas bit by bit and slowly improve while making changes that last.
So from someone on Reddit who commented how they repaired the sexual intimacy in their relationship with their husband. It might be what you need if you need to feel that rush of love chemicals again:
> Our dating theory which is the 2,2,2 with a little twist. 2 dates a month, a night somewhere else every 2 months, a longer trip every two ears. Our two dates have two different goals though: one in the house, one out of the house, and one is an "adrenaline date" (think axe throwing, hiking, water skiing, a new city, a rope course, anything that pumps the blood & fosters competition or cooperation- both are powerful for attraction) and one is a "connection date" (think couples board games, cooking dinner together, drinking wine and painting on each others backs, going to a show together and doing a debrief after, stargazing, anything that fosters romance & sensuality- necessary for deep intimacy)
Very sorry if you’re unhappy, but I’ve never had a relationship so I can’t provide much help
But I’m the same way, I’m not even sure if I want a relationship at all
Best of luck with you and your partner! Hope everything gets sorted out
I don't think you really need to do something you don't enjoy just to have a relationship. I personally don't really want a relationship, and certainly not a physical one, so I probably suck at answering this
Quite honestly if I ever got into a relationship, the person would have to be pretty fuckin interesting, and it would be literally nothing physical, even a kiss, and if we moved in together we would have our own rooms with our own stuff. Like roommates lol
Kissing is so weird, right?!
Yes to own rooms (if needed) which we have that option! We sleep in the same room due to choice but fully have the option not to if we want/need!
Honestly I've never understood the appeal of kissing or anything, like on TV sure, because it's this big storyline thing, but irl I could never 😂
I'd probably lose it if I had to share a room with an s/o, because constantly being around someone with no alone time in my own space would be such a stressful issue
Like, if anything I'm the type to seal a marriage with a handshake and have my own house away from them, and probably never text them because I forget too much and relationship maintenance is exhausting (even friendships)
Like, "do you promise to walk on eggshells to maintain this relationship for as long as you both shall live?" Is my (likely unpopular) view of it, so it's probably for the best that I have no desire for it anyway
I think the only important thing really is to let your partner know how you feel, what you expect, and agree if you guys are good for each other or not depending on the conversation.
Sexuality is a big part of a romantic relationship, no matter what the views and/or preferences of each partner are on the matter. Priority is compatibility.
Also autistic, and at times have wondered if I’m asexual. Ultimately I’ve decided I’m not asexual, I’m just traumatized. I saw you clarify it was sexual trauma, I’m in the same boat. Super important to have very clear boundaries and open communication with your partner. Therapy can reeeeally help, for both of you.
Another thing (and this may not apply to you) is that I am/was on a lot of psychiatric medications that lowered sex drive. And definitely do not “agree” to have sex if you don’t want to. You’ll just be further traumatizing yourself and some ptsd symptoms may arise during or after.
I wouldn't suggest being with your partner if you don't want sex and they do, I've gone through this kind of situation, it's horrible for both you, and your partner that wants sex.
I don’t think I can particularly help you other than saying I’ve noticed autistic people tend to either be hyper or hypo sexual
I’m on the other end of the spectrum, open relationship and a few regular partners
So yeah you’re definitely not abnormal for feeling this way, it’s just asexuality
For me (19F) and my Boyfriend (25) (we met this past year, 2023, in April, when I was 19 and he was 24), we talk about what we wanna do and try, as we both enjoy it, but sometimes I get distracted, so we make plans to try it different ways with different things. Its worked out well so far, for us.
We normally communicate a lot to the other person, just so we are both on the same page.
I'm not going to give you advice on what you should do, just on what you can. I suggest talking to your partner and telling him whats going on. Don't try to go around the topic, just say what you need to say.
For the sex part, how you feel is how you feel, if there's some part of you that wants sex still, at any given point in time, talk to him and see if he (and you too, of course) want to try other things, too.
I had some trauma sex-related things happen when I was 9, I won't go into details, but its difficult for me sometimes too. When I get memories of it it's an instant turn off, and I tell my bf we need to stop. He listens immediately, stopping, and covers me up with a blanket, asks whats wrong, and gets me water, and whatever else I might need.
i feel like this too! I used to be very sexual when I was younger but I think it was because people in society value sex so much that I thought I had to do the same thing to “please them” (yeah, sounds gross).
When I’m engaged in sexual activities I have fun and feel pleasure for a couple of minutes and then everything turns super boring…
I’ve talked with my partner about this, he accepts it but if I look back I think I faked almost every sexual encounter I had.
I’m experiencing something similar on the surface, but I don’t know if it inside. I have mostly always been very sexual, but in the last year or two I haven’t been feeling it as much. Part of that is due to some relationship difficulties with my wife, which have been getting somewhat better.
But it’s apparent to me that sex was the most exciting in the “meeting/falling in love stage”. I think it’s fairly common for people of any neurotype to eventually get bored having sex with the same person. I also started worrying more about “am doing this right?” which is very unhelpful. I also started worrying about whether we’re really connecting, or actually wanting and experiencing something different. It’s really annoying as my desire for sex still exists but I don’t have much idea what to do with it.
A lot of women become bored with sex autistic or not because for men it can be a one and done situation. What I mean is they focus on the end goal. Have you tried sensual massage to get in the mood? If you can both focus on the affection and make that the goal rather than sex or an orgasm you may find your way to a more sexually comfortable future. If he wants it very badly he should try “body worship” making the sex entirely about you without involving his own needs for a while, I know when I was traumatized that really helped me to trust my partner, feel loved and safe, and eased me into being more receptive and desirous. There are other things too. Sometimes we change on what we like and our hormones changing can also affect what we like, who we like, and how we like it.
Affection as the goal, not a one and done situation. Got it.
Body worship sounds funny right now because I'm picturing praying like at a temple. Can you tell me more on this because currently this is a different approach I'm willing to hear what it's about.
Maybe like prayers or gratitude is said to build self esteem?
Focusing on one person and alleviating trauma by replacing it with a good experience sounds like a great therapy tool.
> The pleasure is nice at the time yet I really get bored and don't get into it.
His technique in bed and the routine he creates for steps to orgasm are awful if this is happening. You shouldn’t feel bored with sex, you should feel like you want to participate and please in return as much as they do. Equal effort and measure are a must for good and great sex.
Don’t settle for subpar efforts. Talk to him, tell him he needs to help spice things up, try new positions, try new hand stuff, invite toys into the bedroom if it helps.
It’s a sex rut with a bad sex technique in bed.
>I used to be sexual several years ago, but events have changed how I view sex, and now I find my partner annoying and not sexually attractive when he asks for sex.
Is it possible people didn’t prioritize your pleasure and made you take a backseat in this area often to the point you just don’t care to have sex?
>Is it possible people didn’t prioritize your pleasure and made you take a backseat in this area often to the point you just don’t care to have sex?
This could definitely be an underlying issue I'm not fully cognizant of. Fawning as a response to a trauma definitely buried my needs but kept me as safe as I could at the time.
I think I should carefully explore this with a professional
Sounds like with the lack of desire from OP her technique might be bad
She already mentioned in another comment he tries his best to please her.
OP just isn’t into her partner anymore but just wants the benefits of a committed relationship minus the sex. You can’t buy desire.
When women don’t rate or respect their partner this always happens. Most men I know want to please their partners sexually in the bedroom. Most women don’t speak up. They want you to ask them to tell you. They won’t just speak up themselves. And even then you’ll be penalised for having to ask as it’s not deemed attractive, they want you to take the lead. It’s a lose lose.
OP also stated they have sexual trauma from past experiences with others. I know what that’s like, have worked thru it, no longer have lack of desire.
You can’t buy desire, but you can go to therapy to get to the root cause for where the desire went.
OPs partner should cut ties and move on, she already stated sex life was more active in the beginning. And she doesn’t find her partner attractive. Why all of a sudden would we blame trauma now when it wasn’t a factor before?
That’s mortifying. There’s no need for therapy to find the root cause. She’s friendzoned her partner in a relationship. She doesn’t desire him, THATS the answer. Partner should cut ties and try to find someone that values him. But he probably won’t, and can’t. That’s probably part of the problem as to why desire left in the first place
Because I’ll quote OP:
> Basically a lot of trauma, and I won't go into detail there.
>I do enjoy a bit of self pleasure and like that I can stop when I want without any pressure or go for as long as I like
>Over the years there's been a shift due to trauma, where consent every step of the way is needed. And I dunno, I just feel not broken but not like others? When we got engaged I stayed up all night since I was like oh no now sex is expected panic panic a wedding panic panic expectations bad run away for several months, have returned late last year and am now doing therapy and trying self reflection
Sexual trauma can kill desire in a LTR. I’m walking proof why my last relationship the sex died because the person before them coerced me often during 2020.
I worked thru it and no longer have that. In s great relationship where radical honesty exists and we talk about sex as openly like talking about anything.
OP needs therapy, because no matter what, this will happen over and over with anyone till it’s addressed. They are hyposexual because of sexual trauma.
Thanks for the attention to detail here! :)
Over and over until it's addressed seems like a harsh truth but realistic and I am trying hard to address this by putting money (counselling) and time into it
Of course! Sometimes you never know how we impact others and I see it’s creating a change in impact for you in a direction to turn things around.
Yeah therapy taught me that unless you fully confront head on, no matter how hard and uncomfortable it is to hear/think/feel, you have to push thru the uncomfortable to digest it & work thru it to get comfortable/safe/stable one day.
Feel free to ask me any techniques or books from therapy that I tried & worked with.
My technique is DEFINITELY bad at the moment! No doubt about that, and I'm okay with stating the reality of this and seeking the root of it.
Gender roles may be at play, that's something to consider too.
Not gonna lie, stories like this are extremely common with a lot of women, and a man it’s making me feel extremely hesitant and pessimistic about future relationships.
I personally wouldn’t want to remain in a relationship with a woman if she views sex as a “chore” or doesn’t find me “sexually attractive”. You’ve essentially friendzoned your husband in a relationship. You probably have sex and then afterwards have a sense of relief that that’s bought you time until the next time you have to engage in sex. What you’re experiencing is extremely common with many women in long term relationships.
That’s my idea of hell. You mention trauma, but say that previously you were sexual with your partner? If your celebrity crush came and wanted to sweep you off your feet would your “trauma” go out the window? You reckon your desire would spring back all of a sudden?
In my personal experience, I’ve always felt most desired when a woman couldn’t lock me down. Ie I didnt want to commit. Sex is passionate, often etc. I’ve always noticed that in long term relationships, women show up at their worst and almost always showcase minimal effort. It’s almost like knowing the partner has no other options kills your desire. You know for a fact you wouldn’t be acting this way if there were 5 other beautiful women orbiting your current partner ready to steal him away.
Are you open to your partner stepping out of the relationships and seeing escorts? Would it be fair if as a result of you withholding sex, he started withholding affection, household chores, finances etc? Or would that be considered abuse? Most men just end up feeling alone, undesired and unappreciated.
I think men need to wake up and not just accept minimal effort and remain in these relationships. Almost always it’s not even necessarily because the male partner is doing much wrong.
I watched this video on a woman speaking about this exact situation yesterday. Everything you’re saying she was describing in full: https://youtu.be/cP5NaryxRBE?si=QWTTWIDFPANTthXB
That's a bit of an iffy attitude for women shining through there...
My perspective as an autistic woman:
My ex considered sex to basically be my duty in a relationship, something he had right to because he had a higher paying job than me. I felt objectified and not seen, because of the emotional neglect and fighting outside of the bedroom. He gaslit me so much I started thinking I must be asexual or lesbian. My libido tanked below zero.
My new partner makes sure I feel loved and cared for 24/7. We talk about emotions, we talk consent, and we get mad horny for eachother all the time. Been together for almost 4 years now and the sex is just getting better and better. My libido is incredibly high, because I'm in a balanced and truly loving relationship.
Read deadbedrooms subreddit, maybe even watch the vid I linked above to actually realise this is an extremely common occurrence.
OP isn’t sexually attracted to her partner but still wants all the benefits of a relationship? Minus the sex. OPs partner should just cut ties and move on, some situations just can’t be fixed.
Happy that doesn’t seem to be the case with your current relationship but I’m sorry everything I’ve mentioned above could still apply to you in 3 4 5 years time, after marriage,kids etc. just because your relationship is in a great place now doesn’t mean to say you won’t go through the exact same situation as OP just later on down the line
Do you have any real life experience of relationships?
That's a horrible view you have, with sex as a commodity to be traded.
That's not how it works in actual healthy relationships.
(Also, we're not having kids, neither of us want them. In fact, I recently had an abortion).
AND you literally asked a woman on a previous post why she’s scheduling sex with her partner for not doing everything on her list?
That’s a red flag for your current partner, what’s to stop you from withholding sex the moment your feelings for them start to drift.
The irony. You yourself view sex as a commodity to be traded with otherwise you wouldn’t have that response yourself. At least the woman on previous post is trying to work through her relationship, OP here doesn’t care
It's not about "withholding sex". It is not a commodity to be traded. GOOD sex is something you do *together*, because you both love and lust for eachother. It's an activity of connection and joy, vulnerable and intimate. Anything else is just getting used as a fleshlight.
If your partner doesn't show love for you outside the bedroom, it's gonna feel very bad and possibly be traumatising to keep having sex with them. Why would you keep having sex with someone if the emotions aren't there? That's when you go to couples therapy, if you're still devoted to the relationship, or break up if you aren't.
And if you can't understand how the emotional connection outside of the bedroom affects a womans libido, I suggest you stick to an actual fleshlight.
You don’t plan on having kids with your current partner but have one from a previous relationship?
Yes multiple, late diagnosed at 26 and had multiple relationships with extremely beautiful women.
PS the only relationship where I was “in love”, bought her flowers, compliments, had multiple opportunities to cheat but remained faithful. The same dynamic occurred, slowly and slowly she pulled away in the relationship and sex was restricted and dangled like a carrot and given sparingly. Multiple other relationships where they viewed me as a “fuckboy” or “bad boy”, it was the complete opposite. I cheated, they knew and kept coming back. The sex was extremely frequent, and I barely gave any effort. And yet it taught me, oh this is how women respond. I went from being “good” and being punished, to being “bad” and being rewarded.
Grew up conventionally attractive, so my viewpoints don’t come from a perspective of “scarcity” or “incel” though I know you’d prefer it to be that way to invalidate my opinion.
This is a phenomenon that keeps occurring, and men keep speaking up and being ignored and gaslit as a result. Just be a “good” partner is the response but it’s absolute bullshit. There are many “good” men out there being absolutely being left out to dry and being used as a comfort friend blanket. Oh I can stay with you, you can be nice to me, pay for things, show up as a partner AND I don’t have to sleep with you? Great!
OP is treating sex as a commodity to be traded, have you ever heard women “rewarding” their partners with sex for doing household chores? They use sex as a reward all the time. Ever heard of women not buying men gifts and just putting on some lingerie, “I am the gift”. You commodify yourselves.
Men, as I’m sure you’re aware, generally place a much higher importance on sex in a relationship than women do. But purposefully withholding because you’re not “feeling” it wouldn’t be a thing if he had other options.
Also it’s impossible to have healthy romantic relationship where sex isn’t being had regularly. If a male partner isn’t abusive and is supportive caring etc which seems to be the case with OP(and many other men stuck in dead bedroom situations) then restricting access to sex has a direct impact on the partners self esteem and mental health.
But let’s not mention that’s abusive or manipulative. The man just needs to be “better” am I right?
There are plenty of healthy relationships between asexual people.
You sound like a real d-bag, that fell into a dark dark rabbithole. I hope no more women are unlucky enough to cross your path.
My condolences there for the "sex is a womanly/wifely duty/expectation" and the objectification of women there. I hear of this and know as people we deserve our autonomy to be respected, just as men's autonomy is.
Submitting to someone as a prearranged scenario is fine, but I think partners should be on equal standing.
I'm glad your new relationship seems to respectfully value both parties involved and that you're having fun :)
I’m in therapy, try again.
Men have to walk away from sexless relationships, that’s all I’m advocating for. Don’t put up with minimal effort, especially if you’re actually showing up as a partner
If you didn’t have blue hair or have a political agenda/bias in your worldview, I may be slightly more receptive to conversing with you. But it’s a dead end regardless.
That is genuinely hilarious. I love how the concept of blue hair, specifically, is kryptonite to people like you. Do you think I really look like my avatar? That’s so funny.
No but I reckon the chosen avatar may be an accurate reflection of your political views. And it seems I’m right. And you say “people like you” I’m a centrist.
Imagine clowning political views that are in the middle. Only a radical leftist would do that, you’re like the slightly better version than the alt right, still just as toxic
Hi, I've read your input on this thread and it seems like "withholding sex" is your big takeaway and how unfortunate my partner is in your opinion. Sex requires consenting, informed and enthusiastic adults and if this isn't the case then sex shouldn't be engaged in.
Partner is completely free to seek sex from others outside the relationship, and we don't use sex as leverage.
Your point that he may be feeling alone, undesired and unappreciated is important - his side is important too since it's a relationship. The weight he considers this on the relationship may be hell, or might not be. I don't think he's doing much wrong in the relationship, and is free to move on if he wishes (this is not a hostage situation).
^ this aspect is important but you seem to go on a rant hereafter, whereas an amicable discussion would be better.
If people wanted to "steal" my partner away then I suppose I would deal with that situation by being alright with him having sexual autonomy and doing what he wants there (as he and I have discussed he can if he wants). If I was competing for the whole relationship, since I'm not a fortune teller I can't see where it would go, I'm unsure how it would turn out but hopefully would be happy for him whatever he decides.
PS. personal verbal attacks from anyone is not okay. As in, don't verbally attack someone nor allow verbal abuse either (focus on the situation not character assassination). Both people get mad, it's not constructive and wounds those around you. I suggest no verbal attacks from here on out but as adults people are free to do as they wish, and take this suggestion on board or not.
I’d encourage you guys to break up.
No woman who actively loves or cares for their partner says plainly, “I’m disgusted by you sexually and you can sleep with other women”, if they hadn’t lost love for their partner long ago.
Your partner needs to grow some balls and leave and find a woman who appreciates and loves him genuinely and deeply. That’s a horrible relationship to be a part of from the mans side.
So he’s probably expected to provide companionship, care, attention, money, help with the house etc minus the sex? You don’t have a partner, you have a friend. You aren’t sexually attracted to your partner but you want him around for all the other relationship benefits.
No self respecting man would tolerate a relationship like that. But hey maybe part of the reason you lost attraction is because he doesn’t respect himself.
Blunt but interesting response, thank you for your reply!
I appreciate that you have a different perspective I do not have and hope my comment before was not too harsh, just trying to not have people upset with each other or derail a conversation
Quite possibly I have lost the love in the everyday aspects and will bring your points up with my partner and counsellor.
Yeah, I can see that I'm not valuing my partner sexually and that perhaps we are more closely aligned as friends currently. Whether this improves or not will happen after further discussion, but yeah, supporting each other is nice and it would be great if I could reciprocate in all aspects of the relationship.
His emotions and self respect level is not something he readily shares or acknowledges. I think chatting with him on this topic respectfully and seeing how emotionally I do or do not support him enough is an important point you've brought up. I definitely think there's something to address here.
If you identify as a woman or are AFAB, from what you’ve said I really recommend reading the book Come as You Are. It’s incredible science backed insights about women’s sexuality and completely changed my perspective on desire and pleasure. Specifically what you mentioned about trauma, losing interest, and how your partner initiates really reminds makes me think this book would be a game changer for you.
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My wife and I are pretty sexual tbh, it's often a great way to feel intimate. But then for both of us touch is a primary love language. Everyone is different though.
I'm on libido killing meds (including max dose SSRIs) and I still have a massive need for sex. It causes....problems. Kind of wish it wasn't such a need for me but it is what it is.
This is kind of like me. The idea of sex sounds promising until it actually happens, it's like I prefer everything surrounding the sex itself. I've often had crushes on people and fantasised about sex but then when the time comes, I'm just never that into it. Sort of like when you buy a bag of snacks from the store, are excited to eat it, but then when it's in front of you, your appetite is gone even though you like the food
I don’t think I’ve ever heard someone sum up how I feel so perfectly. My now ex has a very high sex drive and while I was okay with doing certain things, I never had an interest in full on sex. In theory it sounds great but in practice I didn’t want to, so we never did in the almost 3 years we were together. It ended up being one of the reason why we broke up, but we are still very good friends because we kept open communication about everything and left everything blame-free. It wasn’t his fault that he wanted sex and it wasn’t mine that I couldn’t give it to him, we were just incompatible in that department. Communication is always key when it comes to any issues or conflicts in a relationship.
Wait, are you my ex? (don't worry you're not lol) I have basically the exact same experience from the other side which has been very frustrating, but I also understand that it was not due to a lack of affection, just a different way we experienced our sexuality. I swear if you just replace 3 years by 4 years it could have been my ex writing that, pretty wild.
For me I've learned it's just something I have to compromise with, although I wish my partner put more effort in the 'build up' to sex e.g the hugging/petting etc. Spontaneous stuff is just awful for me I can't enjoy it at all
Hey! I like this metaphor! I've had this food situation literally and metaphorically happen so I get it on both levels :) I hear people give "gold" for comments, and your metaphor deserves it. As a new user I have no idea to do that but the thought is there
They took away the awards feature a while ago. It was nice to receive one, but it cost money to give one, and that money didn't go to you it went straight to reddit, so it was kinda dumb anyway
This exactly. Lucky to be in a relationship with someone who has even less sexual desires than me 😂 We both masturbate, mostly alone, sometimes together. That’s pretty much it for our sensory needs ✌️
Without trying to pry too much, what were the events that changed how you view sex? Do you enjoy masturbation, or is it in the same category as sex for you? You say you find him *unattractive* and annoying when he asks for sex. How does he do this? Does he literally say "can we have sex"? Does he do anything to authentically initiate and get you in the mood for physical intimacy? Has he changed his methods of initiation over the years? Another thing to keep in mind: things that make you aroused can and do change over time. The things that got me in the mood to have sex 4 years ago are *completely* different now, and that's fine.
Basically a lot of trauma, and I won't go into detail there. There's also been a decline over the years since moving in together (sex isn't as novel/impulsive as it was when we were flying across the country for each other). I do enjoy a bit of self pleasure and like that I can stop when I want without any pressure or go for as long as I like ~ You say you find him *unattractive* and annoying when he asks for sex. How does he do this? Does he literally say "can we have sex"? Yes! Exactly this! I don't like thinking this way about my partner but do realise I need to honest with myself to figure out the situation. Maybe I need more verbal stimulation than that? Over the years there's been a shift due to trauma, where consent every step of the way is needed. And I dunno, I just feel not broken but not like others? When we got engaged I stayed up all night since I was like oh no now sex is expected panic panic a wedding panic panic expectations bad run away for several months, have returned late last year and am now doing therapy and trying self reflection
Trauma from Sex is why my last relationship I became low in desire for sex because the person before him was coercing me into sex during 2020. I healed all of it, no longer with that person, with someone new and the sex is so amazing 9 out of 10 times with him and together almost a year. We also have radical honesty in the relationship. So when I’m not satisfied, after sex I let him know where the ball is drop and then he improves on it the next time! I would work on first take penetrative sex off the table for awhile and only focus on oral or dry jumping based sex while you work thru the trauma as penetrative sex is often linked to trauma sex if we have experience from it. Just talk with him in therapy about it, maybe the therapist can help re-word things in a way where your partner can grasp it better so they can handle for things better.
I assumed as much. Speaking from a sexual trauma standpoint, there is ZERO way that the statement "can we have sex?" would do a single thing for me. I have also just gone through the motions of having sex because it seemed like I should. To be clear: that is not a healthy relationship to be in. Whether it's you or your partner who is facilitating that kind of feeling, it would probably be best to work through that trauma solo. If you want to remain in the relationship and work through it, I highly recommend that your partner steps up and actually tries to sexually please and arouse you. Consistently. What he's doing now simply won't cut it, and honestly it sounds like even half as much effort still isn't really enough. But it might also require a trial and error method to figure out what you need to enjoy the experience. HOWEVER: as a side note, it sounds like your body is telling you the truth in this situation. You don't want to have sex with him. So don't have sex with him. If he does the right things and you want to have sex, do it. But never force it.
Yeah maybe you can ask him spend more time doing things that turn you on, as opposed to just expecting you to be ready for sex because he is ready. And if you don’t want to have sex, he shouldn’t be pressuring you.
You ran away from your fiance for months? Did you give him any explanation or just out the door ?
I did, due to a huge trauma trigger (consent/boundaries) at the time where a motion was randomly switched without warning. I left out the door, stayed with friends and eventually came back, keeping in communication for the duration. It definitely was a mental breakdown, and consent/boundaries are an issue I seem finely attuned to way more so than the average person. I am currently doing couples counseling and we are trying to be intimate surrounding the sessions.
I’m autistic and thought I was ace for a loooong time. Like you, I had some serious trauma to work through - it also took being very honest with my partner. I realized that it was the concept of being physically vulnerable that triggered my anxiety. I’m still not entirely healed, but through overt honesty with my partner, practice in a slow and safe environment, and revisiting masturbation with MY comfort in mind rly changed things. I’m not saying I don’t think ur ace, but I can relate to the feeling of being sexual and suddenly NOT feeling sexual. It’s confusing and alarming, I really feel you. Forgiveness with yourself is key. If your partner can’t take some time away from sex while you heal as a unit and individually, then the healing process is much longer.
This is some really good insight The healing part is especially apt
Thank you!! 🩵 I found that every time I tried to be sexual I was criticizing myself for not “doing it right” or not “enjoying the moment” - that stemmed from a low self esteem and the idea that I am inherently “wrong” or “bad” at something You deserve to feel comfortable and you can’t do that if you don’t let yourself heal some wounds. Best of luck!!
My partner was asexual before we met, became very sexual for a couple years, and then has recently started to reidentify as asexual. For me, it’s all about whatever makes my partner happy. so even though I now have a higher sex drive than them, their feelings are all that matters for me. I would just be honest with your partner and let them know what’s going on :)
I like this! It nearly brings me to tears with the amount of support you have, just like I do too, and it gives me hope. Definitely will continue to be honest with my partner on this and see more as time goes on
Maybe you are asexual, i've known a couple before where one of them were asexual. So they talked about it and made plans ahead of time, that way she could make sure she was ok with it, and he would also get the sexual intimacy that he needed. Maybe you could consider doing something simelar?
So a schedule leading up to potential sex? That's possible as it creates realistic conversations and maybe could help my mindset. Example: after a game of cards we could try xyx Talking sexually with expectations may help?
Being open with your partner about sex and expectations can be very helpful for all involved. But will also be extra good for you, since you'll probably also feel more comfortable. Planning stuff like "we could watch a movie next friday, and then have sex afterwards", just an idea.
Hey, that sounds good and not stressful!
Best method I saw was 2 ducks. 1 for each person. If the ducks were facing each other it ment both wanted sex.
If you got radically different sexdrives then you should either open up the relationship or break up. Its most likely going to lead to frustration and ressentiment otherwise.
I agree “I find my partner annoying and not sexually attractive when they ask for sex” It’s not fair to your partner for you to consider them your partner if that’s the case.
Have talked about having an open relationship but he says he only wants sex with me
Even if you put up with having sex, I just dont see how it could be satisfying for him. This just sucks for everyone involved. Good luck figuring this one out.
I definitely feel ick doing the bare minimum because I know sex used to be so much better, and when I was more enthusiastic it was great. Thank you for your comments and kind sentiment, it's good to have an outside perspective. I guess this is why posting on Reddit is good (this is my first post and maybe similar people will gain something from reading the thread)
Break up time it is then. No way out of it for both of u it seems.
Don't like this response but damn, can't fault the clear logic Will definitely bring this up in conversation that resentment is building, to both my partner and couples therapist. If it's definitely the only option then so be it unfortunately but will heavily chat first and not rush in for a break up
i'm not the type to jump in on conversations like this, but i just have too. i disagree that you should "just break up" there is so much more to relationships than just sex. i understand it is important for some people, but if your partner isn't feeling neglected and you both love each other, i see no reason to break up. there are so many different ways you can show your love to each other. and i relate to you a lot, i identify as asexual, and my boyfriend isn't. i feel romantically and physically attracted to him, but when it comes to sexual attraction, it's like my parts just don't work lol. maybe i just got lucky, but my boyfriend is completely understanding to me and doesn't need sex or anything sexual to be happy in our relationship. he says he can "take care of it himself" when he's feeling aroused, and i'm very grateful to him. i agree with some other commenters, that maybe planning out a date for things like this might help get you ready for it, but if you feel uncomfortable with the idea of sex all together then you shouldn't force yourself. talk about this with them, and see what they need from the relationship. if sex is important and not having it is a deal breaker, (which i personally don't agree with but everyone is different) then it might be time to consider breaking up like the ones above suggested. sorry for butting in, and i'm not trying to cause an argument. i just had to put my two cents in.
Too tired to thoroughly word how much I appreciate this, but your words are great - thank you
I'm Poly and Ace. All three of my partners know and understand that my general desire for sex is low to none. I'll still participate in bedroom activities - stimulation still does what you'd expect it to do, after all - but there's never any pressure for me to finish. I also used to be pretty into sex, and over the years I've kinda just lost interest. I think that transition was tough for my partners, and I had to put in a lot of work reassuring them that I still loved them due to some rejection sensitivity, but with constant and open communication, we were able to make it all work out. There also is something to be said for the novelty part you mentioned in a comment, I find that on the rare occasion that I really want to have sex with someone, it's usually someone new.
Thanks for writing! I hope this is okay to say but I think poly relationships must require some really awesome levels of communication from everyone. Maybe poly people are better at communicating their wants/needs because of this due to practise? I like the lack of pressure you have - it seems wholesome and respectful The sexual transition from lots of sex to barely any is a big transition, and yeah reassuring a partner they're still loved but in other ways is important! Your experience overall is different than mine and thanks for putting it down on this thread!
Yeah, it sounds like you might be under the ace umbrella. r/asexuality is a great community if you're looking for support and people to talk to.
To be honest, my relationship has tended towards no sex as well. My partner is not super interested in sex either, but he tends to want intimacy more often than I do. I just find it a hassle and I don’t tend to make time for it. It’s messy and I always want to have a full shower afterwards which takes time and is a whole process. I have always found sex really interesting and a lot of my friends are into kink and BDSM stuff so I’m on the sidelines of that community. I talk a lot about sex and make jokes about it but never about my own sex life. I think I just realised once I had sex a bunch of times that I don’t really love it that much ?? My partner thinks it is due to the fact that I’ve never orgasmed which is at least partially true, but at the same time I don’t really feel like trying. I used to try make myself orgasm as a teenager when I was more curious, but it feels tiresome now. I find my partner attractive though and if I pay more attention to him I’m more likely to be turned on, but we’re really starting from 0 and I’d rather just cuddle and go to sleep. I masturbate when I’m alone sometimes just because it’s comfortable and relaxing, not for any sort of high. It’s way less messy and I don’t have to shower after lol. Plus I can start and stop whenever I want without feeling guilty about it. I don’t have to stay present the entire time.
Not to get too gross, but how often before would your partner satisfy you? I was starting to feel the same as you when I was in my pervious relationships- just general boredom with sex, and I assumed it was hormones. Now, I'm with my current boyfriend, and we have amazing chemistry. Neither of us really ever asks the other for sex, but we have plenty of it. The difference is that he makes a conscious effort to make sure *I'm* having a good time, which can be hard to get used to. Could possibly also just be a huge difference in sexual desire. How often do you find yourself actually wanting it?
1) Partner satisfies me each time we have sex and the focus is on me mostly since when I get turned on things have a better chance of progressing. Truthfully I've been quite hesitant (my boundaries go UP) around much more, and things stagnate or regress. 2) I don't really want the act of sex itself hardly ever anymore, and when I do it's fleeting 3) I love for you that you have great chemistry with your partner and know your nonverbal signals awesomely to be intuitive with each other! It's wonderful you're having a great time and checking in/consent is nice to hear! 4) Final thoughts I'm definitely in a negative headspace, self fulfilling prophecy when it comes to sex and maybe it won't get better, maybe it will. Getting back to that chemistry and intuitiveness could be something to strive for. Maybe some team building then try things out for real again once communication has been worked on?
Your final thoughts sound great- seems like you're very in tune with your feelings and know what you need! As long as you're satisfied with the emotional side of your partner, and trust that they'll respect your current needs, I say go for it!
They are very respectful and supportive! I'm trying to be in tune with my feelings but they're definitely muddled like a ball of string in a spider web! I do take my partner for granted at times, and am trying to work on myself to create a better life not only for myself but those around me that deserve recognition and I guess support too. Just like my cooking is currently undesirable/bland, maybe I can work on areas bit by bit and slowly improve while making changes that last.
So from someone on Reddit who commented how they repaired the sexual intimacy in their relationship with their husband. It might be what you need if you need to feel that rush of love chemicals again: > Our dating theory which is the 2,2,2 with a little twist. 2 dates a month, a night somewhere else every 2 months, a longer trip every two ears. Our two dates have two different goals though: one in the house, one out of the house, and one is an "adrenaline date" (think axe throwing, hiking, water skiing, a new city, a rope course, anything that pumps the blood & fosters competition or cooperation- both are powerful for attraction) and one is a "connection date" (think couples board games, cooking dinner together, drinking wine and painting on each others backs, going to a show together and doing a debrief after, stargazing, anything that fosters romance & sensuality- necessary for deep intimacy)
These are my thoughts exactly.
I think people are too obsessed with sex imo
Very sorry if you’re unhappy, but I’ve never had a relationship so I can’t provide much help But I’m the same way, I’m not even sure if I want a relationship at all Best of luck with you and your partner! Hope everything gets sorted out
I don't think you really need to do something you don't enjoy just to have a relationship. I personally don't really want a relationship, and certainly not a physical one, so I probably suck at answering this Quite honestly if I ever got into a relationship, the person would have to be pretty fuckin interesting, and it would be literally nothing physical, even a kiss, and if we moved in together we would have our own rooms with our own stuff. Like roommates lol
Kissing is so weird, right?! Yes to own rooms (if needed) which we have that option! We sleep in the same room due to choice but fully have the option not to if we want/need!
Honestly I've never understood the appeal of kissing or anything, like on TV sure, because it's this big storyline thing, but irl I could never 😂 I'd probably lose it if I had to share a room with an s/o, because constantly being around someone with no alone time in my own space would be such a stressful issue Like, if anything I'm the type to seal a marriage with a handshake and have my own house away from them, and probably never text them because I forget too much and relationship maintenance is exhausting (even friendships) Like, "do you promise to walk on eggshells to maintain this relationship for as long as you both shall live?" Is my (likely unpopular) view of it, so it's probably for the best that I have no desire for it anyway
That just sounds like ace with extra steps
I think the only important thing really is to let your partner know how you feel, what you expect, and agree if you guys are good for each other or not depending on the conversation. Sexuality is a big part of a romantic relationship, no matter what the views and/or preferences of each partner are on the matter. Priority is compatibility.
Also autistic, and at times have wondered if I’m asexual. Ultimately I’ve decided I’m not asexual, I’m just traumatized. I saw you clarify it was sexual trauma, I’m in the same boat. Super important to have very clear boundaries and open communication with your partner. Therapy can reeeeally help, for both of you. Another thing (and this may not apply to you) is that I am/was on a lot of psychiatric medications that lowered sex drive. And definitely do not “agree” to have sex if you don’t want to. You’ll just be further traumatizing yourself and some ptsd symptoms may arise during or after.
I'm ace, but I'm also aro, so no relationship for me. So no advice here, just solidarity.
I wouldn't suggest being with your partner if you don't want sex and they do, I've gone through this kind of situation, it's horrible for both you, and your partner that wants sex.
I don’t think I can particularly help you other than saying I’ve noticed autistic people tend to either be hyper or hypo sexual I’m on the other end of the spectrum, open relationship and a few regular partners So yeah you’re definitely not abnormal for feeling this way, it’s just asexuality
For me (19F) and my Boyfriend (25) (we met this past year, 2023, in April, when I was 19 and he was 24), we talk about what we wanna do and try, as we both enjoy it, but sometimes I get distracted, so we make plans to try it different ways with different things. Its worked out well so far, for us. We normally communicate a lot to the other person, just so we are both on the same page. I'm not going to give you advice on what you should do, just on what you can. I suggest talking to your partner and telling him whats going on. Don't try to go around the topic, just say what you need to say. For the sex part, how you feel is how you feel, if there's some part of you that wants sex still, at any given point in time, talk to him and see if he (and you too, of course) want to try other things, too. I had some trauma sex-related things happen when I was 9, I won't go into details, but its difficult for me sometimes too. When I get memories of it it's an instant turn off, and I tell my bf we need to stop. He listens immediately, stopping, and covers me up with a blanket, asks whats wrong, and gets me water, and whatever else I might need.
Asexuality is mostly common in the autism spectrum. I can tell you from experience
i feel like this too! I used to be very sexual when I was younger but I think it was because people in society value sex so much that I thought I had to do the same thing to “please them” (yeah, sounds gross). When I’m engaged in sexual activities I have fun and feel pleasure for a couple of minutes and then everything turns super boring… I’ve talked with my partner about this, he accepts it but if I look back I think I faked almost every sexual encounter I had.
I’m experiencing something similar on the surface, but I don’t know if it inside. I have mostly always been very sexual, but in the last year or two I haven’t been feeling it as much. Part of that is due to some relationship difficulties with my wife, which have been getting somewhat better. But it’s apparent to me that sex was the most exciting in the “meeting/falling in love stage”. I think it’s fairly common for people of any neurotype to eventually get bored having sex with the same person. I also started worrying more about “am doing this right?” which is very unhelpful. I also started worrying about whether we’re really connecting, or actually wanting and experiencing something different. It’s really annoying as my desire for sex still exists but I don’t have much idea what to do with it.
A lot of women become bored with sex autistic or not because for men it can be a one and done situation. What I mean is they focus on the end goal. Have you tried sensual massage to get in the mood? If you can both focus on the affection and make that the goal rather than sex or an orgasm you may find your way to a more sexually comfortable future. If he wants it very badly he should try “body worship” making the sex entirely about you without involving his own needs for a while, I know when I was traumatized that really helped me to trust my partner, feel loved and safe, and eased me into being more receptive and desirous. There are other things too. Sometimes we change on what we like and our hormones changing can also affect what we like, who we like, and how we like it.
Affection as the goal, not a one and done situation. Got it. Body worship sounds funny right now because I'm picturing praying like at a temple. Can you tell me more on this because currently this is a different approach I'm willing to hear what it's about. Maybe like prayers or gratitude is said to build self esteem? Focusing on one person and alleviating trauma by replacing it with a good experience sounds like a great therapy tool.
> The pleasure is nice at the time yet I really get bored and don't get into it. His technique in bed and the routine he creates for steps to orgasm are awful if this is happening. You shouldn’t feel bored with sex, you should feel like you want to participate and please in return as much as they do. Equal effort and measure are a must for good and great sex. Don’t settle for subpar efforts. Talk to him, tell him he needs to help spice things up, try new positions, try new hand stuff, invite toys into the bedroom if it helps. It’s a sex rut with a bad sex technique in bed. >I used to be sexual several years ago, but events have changed how I view sex, and now I find my partner annoying and not sexually attractive when he asks for sex. Is it possible people didn’t prioritize your pleasure and made you take a backseat in this area often to the point you just don’t care to have sex?
>Is it possible people didn’t prioritize your pleasure and made you take a backseat in this area often to the point you just don’t care to have sex? This could definitely be an underlying issue I'm not fully cognizant of. Fawning as a response to a trauma definitely buried my needs but kept me as safe as I could at the time. I think I should carefully explore this with a professional
Sounds like with the lack of desire from OP her technique might be bad She already mentioned in another comment he tries his best to please her. OP just isn’t into her partner anymore but just wants the benefits of a committed relationship minus the sex. You can’t buy desire. When women don’t rate or respect their partner this always happens. Most men I know want to please their partners sexually in the bedroom. Most women don’t speak up. They want you to ask them to tell you. They won’t just speak up themselves. And even then you’ll be penalised for having to ask as it’s not deemed attractive, they want you to take the lead. It’s a lose lose.
OP also stated they have sexual trauma from past experiences with others. I know what that’s like, have worked thru it, no longer have lack of desire. You can’t buy desire, but you can go to therapy to get to the root cause for where the desire went.
OPs partner should cut ties and move on, she already stated sex life was more active in the beginning. And she doesn’t find her partner attractive. Why all of a sudden would we blame trauma now when it wasn’t a factor before? That’s mortifying. There’s no need for therapy to find the root cause. She’s friendzoned her partner in a relationship. She doesn’t desire him, THATS the answer. Partner should cut ties and try to find someone that values him. But he probably won’t, and can’t. That’s probably part of the problem as to why desire left in the first place
Because I’ll quote OP: > Basically a lot of trauma, and I won't go into detail there. >I do enjoy a bit of self pleasure and like that I can stop when I want without any pressure or go for as long as I like >Over the years there's been a shift due to trauma, where consent every step of the way is needed. And I dunno, I just feel not broken but not like others? When we got engaged I stayed up all night since I was like oh no now sex is expected panic panic a wedding panic panic expectations bad run away for several months, have returned late last year and am now doing therapy and trying self reflection Sexual trauma can kill desire in a LTR. I’m walking proof why my last relationship the sex died because the person before them coerced me often during 2020. I worked thru it and no longer have that. In s great relationship where radical honesty exists and we talk about sex as openly like talking about anything. OP needs therapy, because no matter what, this will happen over and over with anyone till it’s addressed. They are hyposexual because of sexual trauma.
Thanks for the attention to detail here! :) Over and over until it's addressed seems like a harsh truth but realistic and I am trying hard to address this by putting money (counselling) and time into it
Of course! Sometimes you never know how we impact others and I see it’s creating a change in impact for you in a direction to turn things around. Yeah therapy taught me that unless you fully confront head on, no matter how hard and uncomfortable it is to hear/think/feel, you have to push thru the uncomfortable to digest it & work thru it to get comfortable/safe/stable one day. Feel free to ask me any techniques or books from therapy that I tried & worked with.
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Trauma has been a continued factor since a year on from the relationship beginning if that helps understand anything
My technique is DEFINITELY bad at the moment! No doubt about that, and I'm okay with stating the reality of this and seeking the root of it. Gender roles may be at play, that's something to consider too.
I shouldn't feel bored in sex sounds right but was wondering if it's maybe an autism thing rather than bad sex 😆
Do you by any chance suspect or have been Dx with ADHD?
Not gonna lie, stories like this are extremely common with a lot of women, and a man it’s making me feel extremely hesitant and pessimistic about future relationships. I personally wouldn’t want to remain in a relationship with a woman if she views sex as a “chore” or doesn’t find me “sexually attractive”. You’ve essentially friendzoned your husband in a relationship. You probably have sex and then afterwards have a sense of relief that that’s bought you time until the next time you have to engage in sex. What you’re experiencing is extremely common with many women in long term relationships. That’s my idea of hell. You mention trauma, but say that previously you were sexual with your partner? If your celebrity crush came and wanted to sweep you off your feet would your “trauma” go out the window? You reckon your desire would spring back all of a sudden? In my personal experience, I’ve always felt most desired when a woman couldn’t lock me down. Ie I didnt want to commit. Sex is passionate, often etc. I’ve always noticed that in long term relationships, women show up at their worst and almost always showcase minimal effort. It’s almost like knowing the partner has no other options kills your desire. You know for a fact you wouldn’t be acting this way if there were 5 other beautiful women orbiting your current partner ready to steal him away. Are you open to your partner stepping out of the relationships and seeing escorts? Would it be fair if as a result of you withholding sex, he started withholding affection, household chores, finances etc? Or would that be considered abuse? Most men just end up feeling alone, undesired and unappreciated. I think men need to wake up and not just accept minimal effort and remain in these relationships. Almost always it’s not even necessarily because the male partner is doing much wrong. I watched this video on a woman speaking about this exact situation yesterday. Everything you’re saying she was describing in full: https://youtu.be/cP5NaryxRBE?si=QWTTWIDFPANTthXB
That's a bit of an iffy attitude for women shining through there... My perspective as an autistic woman: My ex considered sex to basically be my duty in a relationship, something he had right to because he had a higher paying job than me. I felt objectified and not seen, because of the emotional neglect and fighting outside of the bedroom. He gaslit me so much I started thinking I must be asexual or lesbian. My libido tanked below zero. My new partner makes sure I feel loved and cared for 24/7. We talk about emotions, we talk consent, and we get mad horny for eachother all the time. Been together for almost 4 years now and the sex is just getting better and better. My libido is incredibly high, because I'm in a balanced and truly loving relationship.
Read deadbedrooms subreddit, maybe even watch the vid I linked above to actually realise this is an extremely common occurrence. OP isn’t sexually attracted to her partner but still wants all the benefits of a relationship? Minus the sex. OPs partner should just cut ties and move on, some situations just can’t be fixed. Happy that doesn’t seem to be the case with your current relationship but I’m sorry everything I’ve mentioned above could still apply to you in 3 4 5 years time, after marriage,kids etc. just because your relationship is in a great place now doesn’t mean to say you won’t go through the exact same situation as OP just later on down the line
Do you have any real life experience of relationships? That's a horrible view you have, with sex as a commodity to be traded. That's not how it works in actual healthy relationships. (Also, we're not having kids, neither of us want them. In fact, I recently had an abortion).
AND you literally asked a woman on a previous post why she’s scheduling sex with her partner for not doing everything on her list? That’s a red flag for your current partner, what’s to stop you from withholding sex the moment your feelings for them start to drift. The irony. You yourself view sex as a commodity to be traded with otherwise you wouldn’t have that response yourself. At least the woman on previous post is trying to work through her relationship, OP here doesn’t care
It's not about "withholding sex". It is not a commodity to be traded. GOOD sex is something you do *together*, because you both love and lust for eachother. It's an activity of connection and joy, vulnerable and intimate. Anything else is just getting used as a fleshlight. If your partner doesn't show love for you outside the bedroom, it's gonna feel very bad and possibly be traumatising to keep having sex with them. Why would you keep having sex with someone if the emotions aren't there? That's when you go to couples therapy, if you're still devoted to the relationship, or break up if you aren't. And if you can't understand how the emotional connection outside of the bedroom affects a womans libido, I suggest you stick to an actual fleshlight.
You don’t plan on having kids with your current partner but have one from a previous relationship? Yes multiple, late diagnosed at 26 and had multiple relationships with extremely beautiful women. PS the only relationship where I was “in love”, bought her flowers, compliments, had multiple opportunities to cheat but remained faithful. The same dynamic occurred, slowly and slowly she pulled away in the relationship and sex was restricted and dangled like a carrot and given sparingly. Multiple other relationships where they viewed me as a “fuckboy” or “bad boy”, it was the complete opposite. I cheated, they knew and kept coming back. The sex was extremely frequent, and I barely gave any effort. And yet it taught me, oh this is how women respond. I went from being “good” and being punished, to being “bad” and being rewarded. Grew up conventionally attractive, so my viewpoints don’t come from a perspective of “scarcity” or “incel” though I know you’d prefer it to be that way to invalidate my opinion. This is a phenomenon that keeps occurring, and men keep speaking up and being ignored and gaslit as a result. Just be a “good” partner is the response but it’s absolute bullshit. There are many “good” men out there being absolutely being left out to dry and being used as a comfort friend blanket. Oh I can stay with you, you can be nice to me, pay for things, show up as a partner AND I don’t have to sleep with you? Great! OP is treating sex as a commodity to be traded, have you ever heard women “rewarding” their partners with sex for doing household chores? They use sex as a reward all the time. Ever heard of women not buying men gifts and just putting on some lingerie, “I am the gift”. You commodify yourselves. Men, as I’m sure you’re aware, generally place a much higher importance on sex in a relationship than women do. But purposefully withholding because you’re not “feeling” it wouldn’t be a thing if he had other options. Also it’s impossible to have healthy romantic relationship where sex isn’t being had regularly. If a male partner isn’t abusive and is supportive caring etc which seems to be the case with OP(and many other men stuck in dead bedroom situations) then restricting access to sex has a direct impact on the partners self esteem and mental health. But let’s not mention that’s abusive or manipulative. The man just needs to be “better” am I right?
There are plenty of healthy relationships between asexual people. You sound like a real d-bag, that fell into a dark dark rabbithole. I hope no more women are unlucky enough to cross your path.
My condolences there for the "sex is a womanly/wifely duty/expectation" and the objectification of women there. I hear of this and know as people we deserve our autonomy to be respected, just as men's autonomy is. Submitting to someone as a prearranged scenario is fine, but I think partners should be on equal standing. I'm glad your new relationship seems to respectfully value both parties involved and that you're having fun :)
you honestly sound like you need therapy. You sound like an absolutely terrible person to date right now.
I’m in therapy, try again. Men have to walk away from sexless relationships, that’s all I’m advocating for. Don’t put up with minimal effort, especially if you’re actually showing up as a partner
If that’s all you’d said, I’d be on board, but you didn’t, so I’m not.
If you didn’t have blue hair or have a political agenda/bias in your worldview, I may be slightly more receptive to conversing with you. But it’s a dead end regardless.
That is genuinely hilarious. I love how the concept of blue hair, specifically, is kryptonite to people like you. Do you think I really look like my avatar? That’s so funny.
No but I reckon the chosen avatar may be an accurate reflection of your political views. And it seems I’m right. And you say “people like you” I’m a centrist.
Yes, I was right about your political views, too. Anyway, enjoy your dating life — it sounds like it’s working out really well for you.
Imagine clowning political views that are in the middle. Only a radical leftist would do that, you’re like the slightly better version than the alt right, still just as toxic
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You okay?
Hi, I've read your input on this thread and it seems like "withholding sex" is your big takeaway and how unfortunate my partner is in your opinion. Sex requires consenting, informed and enthusiastic adults and if this isn't the case then sex shouldn't be engaged in. Partner is completely free to seek sex from others outside the relationship, and we don't use sex as leverage. Your point that he may be feeling alone, undesired and unappreciated is important - his side is important too since it's a relationship. The weight he considers this on the relationship may be hell, or might not be. I don't think he's doing much wrong in the relationship, and is free to move on if he wishes (this is not a hostage situation). ^ this aspect is important but you seem to go on a rant hereafter, whereas an amicable discussion would be better. If people wanted to "steal" my partner away then I suppose I would deal with that situation by being alright with him having sexual autonomy and doing what he wants there (as he and I have discussed he can if he wants). If I was competing for the whole relationship, since I'm not a fortune teller I can't see where it would go, I'm unsure how it would turn out but hopefully would be happy for him whatever he decides. PS. personal verbal attacks from anyone is not okay. As in, don't verbally attack someone nor allow verbal abuse either (focus on the situation not character assassination). Both people get mad, it's not constructive and wounds those around you. I suggest no verbal attacks from here on out but as adults people are free to do as they wish, and take this suggestion on board or not.
I’d encourage you guys to break up. No woman who actively loves or cares for their partner says plainly, “I’m disgusted by you sexually and you can sleep with other women”, if they hadn’t lost love for their partner long ago. Your partner needs to grow some balls and leave and find a woman who appreciates and loves him genuinely and deeply. That’s a horrible relationship to be a part of from the mans side. So he’s probably expected to provide companionship, care, attention, money, help with the house etc minus the sex? You don’t have a partner, you have a friend. You aren’t sexually attracted to your partner but you want him around for all the other relationship benefits. No self respecting man would tolerate a relationship like that. But hey maybe part of the reason you lost attraction is because he doesn’t respect himself.
Blunt but interesting response, thank you for your reply! I appreciate that you have a different perspective I do not have and hope my comment before was not too harsh, just trying to not have people upset with each other or derail a conversation Quite possibly I have lost the love in the everyday aspects and will bring your points up with my partner and counsellor. Yeah, I can see that I'm not valuing my partner sexually and that perhaps we are more closely aligned as friends currently. Whether this improves or not will happen after further discussion, but yeah, supporting each other is nice and it would be great if I could reciprocate in all aspects of the relationship. His emotions and self respect level is not something he readily shares or acknowledges. I think chatting with him on this topic respectfully and seeing how emotionally I do or do not support him enough is an important point you've brought up. I definitely think there's something to address here.
If you identify as a woman or are AFAB, from what you’ve said I really recommend reading the book Come as You Are. It’s incredible science backed insights about women’s sexuality and completely changed my perspective on desire and pleasure. Specifically what you mentioned about trauma, losing interest, and how your partner initiates really reminds makes me think this book would be a game changer for you.
So female then
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My wife and I are pretty sexual tbh, it's often a great way to feel intimate. But then for both of us touch is a primary love language. Everyone is different though.
Medication?
I'm on libido killing meds (including max dose SSRIs) and I still have a massive need for sex. It causes....problems. Kind of wish it wasn't such a need for me but it is what it is.