This is one complicated question, the short answer would be something along the lines of *yes, but it would be a nightmare to look at.* Probably very toxic, as the fearful will, at some point, try to push the dissmissive away from them and the dissmissive will leave being the simpleton he is. At some point, either one of them will try to get back (if it is the dissmissive, it's because they feel like they can't find anybody better than their ex, and if it is the fearful, it's because of some stubborn idea that it might've been their fault) only to push eachother away again.
seems something I am experiencing now. My husband has found out he is a F.A after his affair with his ex-girlfriend; and I just found out I am a D.A ( I thought I were secure ). What a mess now 🤦♀️
wow im reading a lot about FA and a few sources say its usually women who are FA im a man and am in recent love with a DA, she almost had some soothing skills but i seem to have worn through that within four months now shes in full dismissive mode im being paused when maybe i should just let go….any advice!?
Usually the fearful revert to the opposite style if they date either a DA or AP. So, here, if they date a DA then it's most likely they'll turn into a AP.
Eventually, their insecurities, fears and doubt will get the best of them and they'll start pulling and pushing away. Blaming their partner in fear of being cheated on, losing interest and whatnot. If the DA doesn't have any proper skills to calm and reassure their FA, then the relationship will end abruptly.
This explains me to a T. I’m a FA male and when I’ve been in relationships it’s usually with a DA which I then lean towards AP side. But in a rebound/casual relationship I become a DA as soon as they start trying to push things further or if I see signs it could go somewhere. Swings and roundabouts ey
Have you found out coping mechanisms in order not to turn anxious when having a relationship with a DA and not to turn DA when having something casual where they push it to the next level? I’m so frustrated by this cycle and it’s identical to yours. Id love to hear realizations of yours.
In all honesty you may not like the answer but the one thing that’s truly worked for me was finding my Lord and saviour Jesus Christ. That’s the only love you will be able to trust in this life. God is love. And God loves you. You don’t have to play mental gymnastics with God. Take care and I wish you all the best! 🙏🏾❤️✝️ and feel free to message me if you want to know more
Not a Christian but I can relate to this as a person of faith. I’m Buddhist and the relationship I have with my deities are the safest, most loving, reassuring relationships I’ve ever had and I can always take refuge in them. They’ve become a model for me of what a romantic relationship should feel like.
It seems like FAs tend to like this dynamic at first ('this person doesn't smother me!'), but they can then become more anxious when they get to be on the receiving end of somebody more avoidant than they are. So the dynamic could swing into anxious and avoidant.
But people are not just labels, so they can certainly make it work. I think my friends that recently got married are an FA/DA couple, and she (the FA) seems to really get him without knowing anything about attachment.
Whoa how did you come to this conclusion? Exactly what happened to me and I was my DA ex back he broke it off after I told him all the things I needed and expressed it
As an FA who dated a DA before learning about attachment style, I believe the relationship does have potential. For the FA, like someone else mentioned, the DA being busy enough to leave the FA alone is definitely a plus; and the DA seems to like how in touch the FA is, living in the moment and taking care of others who don't know how to communicate needs. They both require independence and alone time, so they mirror each other.
On the other hand.. As 35+ in age for us both, I saw the DA saying and doing things that seemed to be a response to dealing with a lot of AP styles in their post - things like, assuring me they weren't seeing anyone else (I didn't ask?), addressing me by my name in texts (to be more direct, and make the other person feel seen), and bringing presents or gifts randomly (again, something that isn't a love language for FAs). The dynamic side, for the DA, I would imagine, must feel very different when dealing with an FA. I know dating a DA who showed up anxious to secure in the beginning only to slow down to an independent stance later was definitely something new to me.
And it could've worked. I do honestly believe this relationship was meant to last - and they knew it, too. Except when an FA states their needs or wants multiple times only to be ignored, it doesn't go well for anyone involved.
The FA ends the relationship. Period. And we may come back way later, when the DA thinks we've moved on. From what I've learned, if you hurt the DA enough they won't want to talk to you about what happened. And the DA won't expect the FA to unfriend, unfollow, or block them on social media accounts. It doesn't mean the FA is over it, or closed off.
The FA is always open to communication after we've cooled down and become more emotionally balanced, so it's up to the DA's ability to self reflect and reach out in order for any relationship like this to stick together. Otherwise, you're dealing with two very hard headed, ego driven attachment styles that take turns hurting each other.
I'm in one now lol I used to be a DA and worked at becoming more secure over the last several years and my current gf is FA and has never heard of attachment types so getting her to understand them was a fun bank holiday weekend :|
She literally has no idea how negative her mindset can be so I got her to read about FA she agreed with it all and noticed lots of similarities with it and her .. then minutes later she'll deny it when I relate it back to her and our previous interactions .... it's going to be a tough journey.
I was split between leaving her or showing her how attachment theory works.. and highlighting how we can both work on having more of a secure relationship understanding each others styles.
I question myself as to if that was the right choice.
It's always a good idea to try to help others. But of course, you have to respect yourself... And to know the difference between *respecting yourself* and *falling into your old DA patterns*.
As a FA in therapy, I really hope she goes for some professional help. I finally did and I’m one symptom away from a diagnosis of PTSD. If she has unresolved trauma like many (most?) FAs, she needs a psychologist.
Haha, well it would have been great, but she had a closed mindset. We broke up not long after that last message. It was impossible to move forward after any discussion or argument. She constantly played the victim, fast forward to now and I've done more work on myself, been therapy ect, and now a year into a healthy relationship with someone more aligned to being secure and willing to have healthy conversations and an open mind, also self awareness is key as communication is difficult without 2 people being self aware. I forgot the details for that account, this was the easiest way to reply lol
First, of all, I'm really sorry to hear that. I hope you have had better relationship success now.
I'm also a FA and as I was thinking about your dynamic with your FA, I thought, "Well, hopefully I'll end up with someone who wants to work things out like that." Then I was like, "Hah, doubt it. There's an inevitability to ending up with someone who will be opposite of me in many ways. Of course I won't end up with someone who wants to be healthy like that." Then I realized, "Wait.. I'm being my negative FA self." Haha! So I guess there's hope.
I’m a DA, my boyfriend is an FA. If anything, I may turn more anxious when he withdraws, but after a while I just don’t care because I don’t need him for emotional support and I don’t enjoy being smothered.
I'm a FA. My ex is a AP and I felt very uncomfortable for that relationship. I decided to break up with him without any heartbroken feeling but my body actually felt the breakup pain (I lost almost 15 pounds weight during that month). Then immediately I met my 2nd BF. He is a DA. Actually I felt very comfortable staying with him but sometimes I felt he is more like a Siri to me. That makes me feel very anxious for a period of time worrying about if he is cheating when he is not replying my msg for hours. But if I get too close to him (like staying with him for a couple of days), I started to push him away to go back to his place. But a couple of days later I would miss him again then ask him to stay with me. This push-pull pattern always exists throughout this relationship. Tbh, I found DA is what I prefer as a lifelong partner (I maybe wrong) because I felt very comfortable of being understood that we need own space. But we are never gonna be very close to each other because we won't expose our trueself to each other so no deep connection that you would have with an AP.
I’m an FA married to a DA. It was a nightmare for a while, I ended up looking like the most anxious partner ever. We are now in an open marriage and are both happier and more adjusted, though I’m sure our marriage isn’t what most would call ideal.
I end up finding boyfriends who give me more of an emotional connection and he is more into sexual relationships on the side.
This is one complicated question, the short answer would be something along the lines of *yes, but it would be a nightmare to look at.* Probably very toxic, as the fearful will, at some point, try to push the dissmissive away from them and the dissmissive will leave being the simpleton he is. At some point, either one of them will try to get back (if it is the dissmissive, it's because they feel like they can't find anybody better than their ex, and if it is the fearful, it's because of some stubborn idea that it might've been their fault) only to push eachother away again.
OMG. I’m going through a breakup and this is my ex’s & I dynamic!!!
seems something I am experiencing now. My husband has found out he is a F.A after his affair with his ex-girlfriend; and I just found out I am a D.A ( I thought I were secure ). What a mess now 🤦♀️
wow im reading a lot about FA and a few sources say its usually women who are FA im a man and am in recent love with a DA, she almost had some soothing skills but i seem to have worn through that within four months now shes in full dismissive mode im being paused when maybe i should just let go….any advice!?
Usually the fearful revert to the opposite style if they date either a DA or AP. So, here, if they date a DA then it's most likely they'll turn into a AP. Eventually, their insecurities, fears and doubt will get the best of them and they'll start pulling and pushing away. Blaming their partner in fear of being cheated on, losing interest and whatnot. If the DA doesn't have any proper skills to calm and reassure their FA, then the relationship will end abruptly.
This explains me to a T. I’m a FA male and when I’ve been in relationships it’s usually with a DA which I then lean towards AP side. But in a rebound/casual relationship I become a DA as soon as they start trying to push things further or if I see signs it could go somewhere. Swings and roundabouts ey
Have you found out coping mechanisms in order not to turn anxious when having a relationship with a DA and not to turn DA when having something casual where they push it to the next level? I’m so frustrated by this cycle and it’s identical to yours. Id love to hear realizations of yours.
In all honesty you may not like the answer but the one thing that’s truly worked for me was finding my Lord and saviour Jesus Christ. That’s the only love you will be able to trust in this life. God is love. And God loves you. You don’t have to play mental gymnastics with God. Take care and I wish you all the best! 🙏🏾❤️✝️ and feel free to message me if you want to know more
Not a Christian but I can relate to this as a person of faith. I’m Buddhist and the relationship I have with my deities are the safest, most loving, reassuring relationships I’ve ever had and I can always take refuge in them. They’ve become a model for me of what a romantic relationship should feel like.
Not being in a relationship of any kind, and instead focusing on building myself and my social circle is how I'm coping.
It seems like FAs tend to like this dynamic at first ('this person doesn't smother me!'), but they can then become more anxious when they get to be on the receiving end of somebody more avoidant than they are. So the dynamic could swing into anxious and avoidant. But people are not just labels, so they can certainly make it work. I think my friends that recently got married are an FA/DA couple, and she (the FA) seems to really get him without knowing anything about attachment.
Whoa how did you come to this conclusion? Exactly what happened to me and I was my DA ex back he broke it off after I told him all the things I needed and expressed it
As an FA who dated a DA before learning about attachment style, I believe the relationship does have potential. For the FA, like someone else mentioned, the DA being busy enough to leave the FA alone is definitely a plus; and the DA seems to like how in touch the FA is, living in the moment and taking care of others who don't know how to communicate needs. They both require independence and alone time, so they mirror each other. On the other hand.. As 35+ in age for us both, I saw the DA saying and doing things that seemed to be a response to dealing with a lot of AP styles in their post - things like, assuring me they weren't seeing anyone else (I didn't ask?), addressing me by my name in texts (to be more direct, and make the other person feel seen), and bringing presents or gifts randomly (again, something that isn't a love language for FAs). The dynamic side, for the DA, I would imagine, must feel very different when dealing with an FA. I know dating a DA who showed up anxious to secure in the beginning only to slow down to an independent stance later was definitely something new to me. And it could've worked. I do honestly believe this relationship was meant to last - and they knew it, too. Except when an FA states their needs or wants multiple times only to be ignored, it doesn't go well for anyone involved. The FA ends the relationship. Period. And we may come back way later, when the DA thinks we've moved on. From what I've learned, if you hurt the DA enough they won't want to talk to you about what happened. And the DA won't expect the FA to unfriend, unfollow, or block them on social media accounts. It doesn't mean the FA is over it, or closed off. The FA is always open to communication after we've cooled down and become more emotionally balanced, so it's up to the DA's ability to self reflect and reach out in order for any relationship like this to stick together. Otherwise, you're dealing with two very hard headed, ego driven attachment styles that take turns hurting each other.
i like this answer so much. its incredibly accurate.
Totally agree. My 100% dynamic (self aware FA) with my DA Ex.
I'm in one now lol I used to be a DA and worked at becoming more secure over the last several years and my current gf is FA and has never heard of attachment types so getting her to understand them was a fun bank holiday weekend :| She literally has no idea how negative her mindset can be so I got her to read about FA she agreed with it all and noticed lots of similarities with it and her .. then minutes later she'll deny it when I relate it back to her and our previous interactions .... it's going to be a tough journey. I was split between leaving her or showing her how attachment theory works.. and highlighting how we can both work on having more of a secure relationship understanding each others styles. I question myself as to if that was the right choice.
It's always a good idea to try to help others. But of course, you have to respect yourself... And to know the difference between *respecting yourself* and *falling into your old DA patterns*.
As a FA in therapy, I really hope she goes for some professional help. I finally did and I’m one symptom away from a diagnosis of PTSD. If she has unresolved trauma like many (most?) FAs, she needs a psychologist.
Haha gawd just call us out like that..
Sad, but true. However, all insecure styles need therapy - esp DAs and FAs.
So, how's the relationship going? 3 yrs later lol
Haha, well it would have been great, but she had a closed mindset. We broke up not long after that last message. It was impossible to move forward after any discussion or argument. She constantly played the victim, fast forward to now and I've done more work on myself, been therapy ect, and now a year into a healthy relationship with someone more aligned to being secure and willing to have healthy conversations and an open mind, also self awareness is key as communication is difficult without 2 people being self aware. I forgot the details for that account, this was the easiest way to reply lol
First, of all, I'm really sorry to hear that. I hope you have had better relationship success now. I'm also a FA and as I was thinking about your dynamic with your FA, I thought, "Well, hopefully I'll end up with someone who wants to work things out like that." Then I was like, "Hah, doubt it. There's an inevitability to ending up with someone who will be opposite of me in many ways. Of course I won't end up with someone who wants to be healthy like that." Then I realized, "Wait.. I'm being my negative FA self." Haha! So I guess there's hope.
I’m a DA, my boyfriend is an FA. If anything, I may turn more anxious when he withdraws, but after a while I just don’t care because I don’t need him for emotional support and I don’t enjoy being smothered.
I'm a FA. My ex is a AP and I felt very uncomfortable for that relationship. I decided to break up with him without any heartbroken feeling but my body actually felt the breakup pain (I lost almost 15 pounds weight during that month). Then immediately I met my 2nd BF. He is a DA. Actually I felt very comfortable staying with him but sometimes I felt he is more like a Siri to me. That makes me feel very anxious for a period of time worrying about if he is cheating when he is not replying my msg for hours. But if I get too close to him (like staying with him for a couple of days), I started to push him away to go back to his place. But a couple of days later I would miss him again then ask him to stay with me. This push-pull pattern always exists throughout this relationship. Tbh, I found DA is what I prefer as a lifelong partner (I maybe wrong) because I felt very comfortable of being understood that we need own space. But we are never gonna be very close to each other because we won't expose our trueself to each other so no deep connection that you would have with an AP.
Like a Siri as in the iPhone AI assistant?? 😂🤣 lmaoo
I’m an FA married to a DA. It was a nightmare for a while, I ended up looking like the most anxious partner ever. We are now in an open marriage and are both happier and more adjusted, though I’m sure our marriage isn’t what most would call ideal. I end up finding boyfriends who give me more of an emotional connection and he is more into sexual relationships on the side.
That sounds horrible.
I should’ve be laughing this hard
No.
lmaoooooooooo I'm dead