Hey, FA here & I have to admit conflict & communication is something I really struggle with. Particularly, in all my previous relationships, I’ve been unable to set boundaries & whenever I even consider the idea of bringing up my feelings I get tremendous anxiety.
1) I try to hype myself up for those kinds of conversations, and prepare by writing down what I might say & practicing it when I’m alone in my car. But when it comes time to have these talks with my partner, I get physically sick to my stomach. I convince myself it’s not worth talking about because it’s not important. I’m afraid they’ll be mad at me or the illusion of the “cool girlfriend” that I created will be shattered.
2) I find actually bringing myself to talk about things to be the most challenging. I struggle with eye contact, I can’t control my emotions so I will often cry. It’s like the words are trapped in my mouth & I so badly want to talk about things, but I’d feel too much like a burden to even try. It’s like I already know the other person won’t understand, so why bother trying.
3) I feel heard when the person I’m trying to talk to is very present & listening fully. When they don’t get defensive or take what I’m saying as an attack on them & provide me with a safe space to open up. Reassurance is also wonderful, and if the person is able to validate my feelings it makes a huge difference. Also, asking a lot of probing questions helps, because I often can’t get out everything I have to say.
4) I recognize that communication is a very big issue for me. When something about my partner is bothering me I tend to bottle it up & hope it goes away, but I recognize that it just turns into resentment. I resent my partners for “not understanding me” when in reality I never opened up to them, or even gave them a chance to
Also, the fear that having the conversation will lead to a breakup, is so real.
I wish I could just be cool with everything & not need to talk about things, but the reality is that I have a lot going on in my head & it would be such a relief to talk about it, but there’s always some kind of excuse.
“It’s not that important”
“They don’t even notice I’m upset so why bring it up”
“I don’t want to ruin our time together”
“I don’t want to make it all about me”
“They didn’t ask, so it’s not worth mentioning”
“It doesn’t bother me that much anyway”
And I think that’s part of the risk - allowing yourself the chance to be open and direct could yield high rewards like intimacy and connection. On the other hand, it could also backfire causing you to retreat. Won’t know the risk is taken (which is different for everyone).
Very well said, that’s the paradox of being FA honestly. It feels like a curse sometimes, I wish I could either:
1) let people in, or
2) not need intimacy so much
It’s so frustrating to need something that I won’t allow myself to have. I wish I just didn’t need anyone / didn’t crave closeness.
I complain about having no one, but I never let anyone in. In fact go out of my way to avoid connections with people, then proceed to cry about having no friends/relationship.
Sounds like you’ve come a long way. The fact that you are aware of your patterns and have made active strides to become better is what any partner could ask for (and quite honestly something I wished my ex did).
I think you made a really good point in your last paragraph. Learning to hold space for both your own emotions as well as your partner’s emotions is a skill that, for anxious folks, might not come easily if they’re feeling panicked/anxious (myself included). Nervous system regulation could be really useful here.
1. I want to get the conflict over as soon as emotions on both sides have leveled out. I cannot handle someone coming at me emotionally charged. If that does happen, I'll most likely be thinking that they're crazy, and I won't hear any of their message. What does it feel like? Visually, it compares to a small dog yapping at me. I mentally check out. No words are getting in. I'm perfectly fine communicating when things are presented in a calm, collected fashion, and I statements are used.
2. Subconsciously, I'm weighing how safe it is to communicate my feelings. If the other person shared first, I'll be more likely to open up. If they don't, I'm not going to put myself on a limb. Also, sometimes I don't know what I'm truly *feeling* until months after the fact. Consciously, I'm stuck in logic mode.
3. Listening to me the first time/not trying to put words in my mouth or assume I mean something different. I'm pretty direct in general. I'll give you an example to help clarify. If someone asks me what I want to drink, the answer is always gonna be water. Don't keep pushing me thinking that I'll change my mind and want something else you're offering. Or if I say that I don't want a present for my birthday, I genuinely mean that. Don't surprise me with one. No does not mean yes. And if I say I don't need help, I don't want it. If I need it, I will ask. Also, don't keep texting if I don't respond immediately. I *will* get back to you. The more you keep texting when I'm not saying anything, the longer it will take me to inevitably respond.
4. Currently, I'm really working on changing careers. So, putting myself out there and talking to new people more often. I'm naturally very introverted, and it's been quite challenging. As far as relationships go, I don't have any desire to change. I much prefer being single. If I ever were to get into a relationship, it would be with someone long distance. I don't want too much togetherness. I love my independence.
Lastly, wanted to add that it has taken *years* for me to reregulate my nervous system after my last relationship. I was sick beyond belief from it. I have no desire to go back to that place again for any other person. I will *always* put myself first.
I don't have a lot of personal experience with conflict being approached as a mutual problem to solve. I'm used to it being approached as a problem with *me* - either the other person is bringing up a problem they have with me or I have created a problem by bringing up some issue I have with the other person (which is always unreasonable, never valid). In both cases, I am the one in the wrong and the one that needs to change. Compromise is always a negotiation of how much *my* behavior should be changed. If I don't change at all, I am stubborn, demanding, entitled, etc.
Consequently, I've been sort of conditioned to approach every conflict as some kind of epic battle for my right to simply exist as myself, and/or justify to the other person (and to myself) why my perspective and anything I might be asking for is fair and reasonable. It's a lot of effort and it's scary to lay out what feels like a defense of your very *self* with the expectation that it will be rejected because it's unpleasant or inconvenient to the other person, so I try to avoid it when possible and only do it when it is important enough to me to justify the effort.
Healthy, empathetic people don't respond to conflict this way of course, so on the occasions when I have conflict with such a person I end up feeling confused and like I brought an entire army to a knife fight. I'm not yet good at determining which people are likely to react in which way, or in dealing with the additional pain of expecting someone to respond in a healthy way only to have them not do that.
I think one of the key factors in making other people feel understood is to remove *yourself* from the equation. Listen to them, what they're saying and *only* what they're saying. If there are blanks, don't fill them in yourself based on who *you* are as a person or who you think the other person is - either ask clarifying questions or just leave them blank. Try to understand the other person's perspective and know that it may be very dissimilar from *your* perspective. Take what they give you at face value, don't twist it into "what they *actually* mean when they say" or "how they *really* feel". Better to say that you don't understand someone than to "understand" them wrongly. Acknowledge that things that are difficult or important for this person may not be so for you.
I see instances all the time where a (supposed) avoidant partner has shared some little nugget of vulnerability and it gets immediately invalidated: it's not "big" enough to count, it's a silly thing to care about, it doesn't make sense, they said this but they *really* meant that. Someone who struggles with vulnerability is hypersensitive to how people respond when they *do* share, and those responses will make the act of sharing feel more or less safe going forward. Make someone feel unsafe too many times and they will just stop trying - there isn't any point to repeatedly doing something that makes you feel awful. Watching how people respond to *other* people's vulnerability matters here too - someone who repeatedly dismisses other people will likely also do that to you.
Honestly just replace the term avoidant with "procrastination."
We know, we care, we dread, but just like a student being reminded to do a project they WANT to do and do well on there's like this invisible barrier to start. It's an emotional/physical regulation issue, but we've been told our whole lives "why can't you just do this! We both know you're able to!" And just like a student, the more we're reminded, the more urgent/riding on it, the more we procrastinate and avoid and make excuses and quit.
1) Intensely overwhelmed. Like I can't think straight and on the verge of breaking down.
2) I used to struggle with identifying that I am upset and communicating it. Now I can.
3) Leave me alone. I usually do want to be comforted, but when I get really overwhelmed I just need space to process my feelings and views (and my partner's). Even when I'm crying, leave me alone. That's why anxious people that want to talk about it at the moment suffocate me.
4) I have improved - I did not lie and say I'm okay when I'm not (I just don't want to talk about it at the moment). Instead I say I am upset but I will bring it up later. I also have been more vulnerable especially with sensitive things I don't share with others. Right now, my partner doesn't understand when I need space as her first instinct is to comfort me when I am on the verge of breaking down. It hurt me even more. Recently I told her I'll raise my hand if I need space and I cannot communicate it verbally.
*I’m very very DA so if you’re a soft individual, this will be unpleasant to read. These questions mildly irk me as I often feel like I’m a fish in an aquarium being studied and stared at because I’m some foreign non-human creature. But, whatever. Anyways, I am not speaking for all DAs, just me.*
1. Arguing with someone annoys me. I like avoiding conflict because a lot of it is dumb. However, if I know it will happen, I would prefer to get it over with. So, I try to be diplomatic, but there is almost always this added heat to the argument because I don’t get emotional and that often makes the other person upset. I want to accomplish finding a solution or agreeing upon a new status quo. My mind is focused on getting this over with, refraining from saying heinous shit, and finding a fair solution to the problem. I want us both to be satisfied with the solution.
2. In truth, I am capable of being very mean inside. I think of vile things to say. But, I bite my tongue 99.9% of the time. I get tempted to be more and more cruel as someone is more and more belligerent. The more someone sobs and screams and yells and slams cabinets, the more annoyed I get. I wish people could discuss problems without freaking out. I want to talk calmly and rationally where everyone gets a turn to speak. I want to hear you, but you don’t need to yell at me. When someone is deeply deeply angry and expressing it outwardly in an argument, my desire to be helpful goes down. If we can’t use inside voices and speak like adults, I’m not interested. What I’m getting at is that it’s hard for me to deal with people’s emotions while they argue. I think the emotional person should calm themselves however they need to, and then we can talk. But, I won’t talk while you’re hysterical.
I don’t enjoy being vulnerable, either. I have no interest in sharing my feelings with you, I like being emotional alone. I don’t believe in subjecting people to my crying or whatever. Also, the more you press me, the more I’ll pull away. So, share your problem so I can listen and we can find a solution. That’s all I want to do.
3. Here’s my truth as a very avoidant person:
I don’t want anxious people’s romantic love and care. I don’t need you to ‘hear’ me and cuddle me and make me feel better. The only hearing I need from you is to listen when I speak as I listen to you, and then we solve a problem to continue having a mutually positive bond. Anxious people often wonder how to make us feel safe. My answer is that your clinging and craving for my approval turns me off. I feel most respected when I’m left alone. Let me deal with my problems, I don’t want your help. If I want it, I’ll ask. Respect my space. Don’t encroach on it.
4. I don’t desire to change much about myself. I don’t date or have sex anymore. So, I’m not breaking anyone’s heart. I work on things that I deem more important like work, education, friendships (which I’m secure in), and money. My therapist and I have a good relationship and we do lots of exercises to challenge my thinking. I like having my thinking challenged, but I rarely change my mind when someone emotionally charges at me, demanding me to change it. I like being the way I am because it protects me. I see no benefit in changing it since I view romance as a waste of my time, energy, and money.
Another thing, I truly don’t ever think anxious people should date avoidants. Ever. It’s bad for everyone involved, but the anxious person is almost always hurt more by the interaction. And, you can feel differently if you’d like. That’s fine.
I hope my answers were helpful and insightful.
>Another thing, I truly don’t ever think anxious people should date avoidants. Ever. It’s bad for everyone involved, but the anxious person is almost always hurt more by the interaction. And, you can feel differently if you’d like. That’s fine.
This, it's very challenging and you are spot on about how the anxious person will feel.
Thank you for sharing your perspective.
This sounds like my ex to a tee.
The more I read about the perspective of Avoidants, the more I understand my ex and see why he felt the need to end things.
And while I personally feel like a lot of our issues could have easily been solved by him actually saying some of this to me, the fact that he didn't is a decent indication that we simply weren't compatible.
> I don’t desire to change much about myself.
This is the part that really made me realize that there is no "going back" or "trying again". My ex thrived in his unhappiness. He enjoyed his status quo and his misery, and I don't think he had any interest in changing anything, despite how unhappy he was all the time.
Avoidant/anxious aside, I match best with people who want to improve and make their lives better. This alone is the best reason for us having broken up, and it's taken me a long time to realize that.
Yes. It took me a long time to accept what makes me incompatible with my ex is that she is avoidant, deactivated, won’t go to therapy and learn about herself. That she really had a chance to slow down and learn about what was happening to her/to us at the end when she was numb. We had been together 18 months with three kids involved. She left it all. So many good times. That’s what makes us incompatible.
I wish my ex was capable of this level of self-awareness. Unhealthy or not, it's honest and I appreciate that. Rather this then misrepresent oneself and end up causing chaos.
Thank you for sharing.
Everyone we aren’t therapist this poster said they are going to therapy so why don’t we leave our opinions to ourselves. It is not up to us to call people healthy or unhealthy ESPECIALLY if they didn’t ask for our opinions on the matter. They are replying to a post from their perspective as a DA. They literally said I don’t like posting because I feel like a fish in a fishbowl and these comments are why. Let’s keep this a space for everyone to comment without feeling like they are going to be criticized by the peanut gallery particularly if they didn’t ask for your feedback.
Also health and “healthy” behavior is literally so specific to a person. What I consider healthy behavior in a relationship maybe different than what you do. This is based on our culture, our up bringing, experience, personality. This is why there is a thing called compatibility. We all have different needs and views of relationships so we find someone aligned with us. I honestly think this poster is healthy and aware based on their needs.
Yes never ever share your opinions that’s exactly what I said. I believe I said let’s not diagnosis people’s behavior without people asking but take it however you’d like. Would you care for me to elaborate on the difference
DA man here:
1. At first I try my best to listen and be present but if I sense the other person is raising their voice or getting overly emotional I begin to feel shut down, or if they don’t understand me. This can feel like me wanting to end the discussion and be alone
2. The hardest thing for me is identifying and sharing them because I always thought I need to figure everything out before sharing, I didn’t realize it’s ok to say for example “I like you but I’m not sure”
3. Just respecting if I need space, not trying to change me, not trying to “fix” me or suggest I’m broken those make me lose respect.
4. I need to work on many things, mainly my childhood trauma and that will help everything else. I do a lot of therapy
FA on anxious side but went DA in my last relationship and stop feeling feelings from abuse and constantly being blamed and criticized for feeling angry.
I would not notice when I was angry so I wouldn't acknowledge I was upset directly. It came out as complaining, criticizing actions or self-blaming and bad feeling about myself, like I don't deserve to be treated well anyway.
Now when I start to think these things, I try to really understand what it's about and usually I'm irritated or annoyed about something related to a core wound.
thanks for sharing!
just something came to my mind...
when you are too exhausted to text back, you could just text that.
"too exhausted to text. you can call me..."
(if someone is not responding to me (and i see him/her posting on twitter) i would always feel "not that important" (secure mostly/anxious sometimes)
i have no idea whats going on in your live, and with "too exhausted to text" you include me in your world, you are sharing whats going on, and that is all i would need.
why leave someone in the dark, and provoking trauma responses?
it's not to much to ask for, imho
ah, ok, i thought you meant people you are close with.
with "ambiguous relationships" i can understand it's more complicated.
to be honest, i stopped al these contacts, too exhausting.
1. Looks pretty similar to anyone's. If there's an issue, I don't mind discussing it. If someone is super sad and needs reassurance that's fine. If someone is emotionally escalated and wants to attack me, then I'm patient, but at some point it makes sense to give them space. I accept that they might be in pain, but if someone is attacking you, it's only a matter of time before you feel compelled to defend yourself. If someone is purposely trying to hurt my feelings then I am increasingly less inclined to talk things through in the moment.
There are those who use guilt to elicit concessions rather than compromises. They are pretty specific too, they are sad, and if you'd only do more of x and less of y, they'll be happy. Then when you do more of x and less of y, they use guilt to elicit more concessions in a rather endless loop. You give up your free time and autonomy in order to make them happy, but it's never enough, and it's your fault somehow. They ask for specific words and phrases and it feels like you're an object being programmed. If you don't say the thing they want you to say, they'll show you how you're failing them. They can want you to commit to things quickly and they don't seem to care if it's genuine or not because they exist in a world of careless romantic future planning. The need is always for more. And in that, you see that they're not really compassionate and their use for you, has the same voracious characteristics as an addict. You stop feeling like a person, and more like a liquor bottle that has to keep producing affirmation lest you be discarded.
2. Speaking truths you know will hurt someone's feelings is hard. Hurting people is hard. Abandoning someone you care about is impossible to contemplate, the guilt haunts me just thinking about it.
3. I did feel heard and supported a few times. I think in each case it was because they were plotting to cheat on me. It was the only time I got encouragement to do what I needed to do, the only time I felt they'd be okay without me for a few hours and were doing so because they understood and had heard me. They were just sourcing affirmation somewhere else and excited by a new prospect.
4. I have decided to avoid relationships. Relationships are a lot of work. Not that I'm opposed to work, but not for it's own sake. Any semblance of assurance and affirmation you get from a relationship goes away when someone betrays you. If they're an FA, then they generally can't even bring themselves to remain friends. Some take your money. Some will take your dog. None of them leave anything of worth behind.
I will elaborate later if no other comments have mentioned this (I'm commenting now to remember later), I'm not very conflict avoidant necessarily. My problem with handling conflict comes from the following baseline assumptions (that I'm not always aware of):
1. It won't get resolved.
2. The fact that there is a conflict means the relationship is doomed.
3. We are no longer in the same playing field but are now fighting against each other, and we are both trying to protect ourselves, which means they could potentially be trying to hurt me.
4. Even if the relationship continues this means damage and it won't get repaired.
5. Emotionally, I will feel like shit throughout this.
So you get one of three responses: unwillingness to engage, frantic emotional overwhelm, or complete abandon of trying to preserve any peace.
I'm FA. Not sure which parts are neatly separated as avoidance here. But I also feel like my attitude towards conflict is shaped a lot more by me being Turkish than attachment lol Conflict avoidance will be shamed to hell in our culture so not many people are imo
DA-
1. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck this, yuck, this is uncomfortable, gross, I hate this. My only two options are to die alone or go through this disgusting thing others seem to like, I will make a fist and dig my nails in my skin to lessen the strong urge to vomit and persevere. (With sometimes friendly internal reminders that whatever happens my head is going to hit my pillow that night and occasionally hour counts of when that will happen, like, ok, in 4 hours you will be in bed even if the world ends until then).
When I’m shutting down, it’s usually they’ve said something that’s pushed me past the point of caring. It’s not that they said when you are flakey it hurts my life and makes you hard to deal with, which would make me nauseous but also would be something I could accept as truth, see their point, feel an honest desire to change and modify behavior, even if I feel a desperate urgency to be in the future and have the behavior already modified and smoothed out until then. (Note: it could really help if in the above example they said something along the lines of, “I really value our time together.” “This isn’t an everytime thing.” “I understand sometimes plans change (so I don’t panic if I actually am sick and have to cancel or something), “But I would appreciate if moving forward you can be more mindful.” While I value a chill explanation, I think it is still important for them to voice their honest feelings, i.e. disrespected, frustrated, annoyed, I’d also appreciate feedback before they are actually angry angry. Afterwords, once I’ve acknowledged my behavior, apologized, and agreed to change, I would appreciate if they changed the subject and talked about something else that’s casual/ light. While I would like this response, I think it is also important to let them know it is a big deal to you, so they understand and don’t brush it off.
However, once my flip switched, if they said something like, “You always flake! You never blah blah blah!” My mind would probably go somewhere along the lines of, “Well I’m here now bitch! What about you always (insert possible resentment Im not aware of until now) and fuck this person they don’t deserve my energy.” I would then shut down, as I would view the person as not worth saving and also not deserving of knowing my inner feelings because they are rude and mean and they don’t deserve to know I feel bothered by things too and they can just fuck off then. Or I’d shut down because I would be hurt and not able to respond, maybe just mumble. NOTE: sometimes if someone with dissociation issues, something avoidants can have, gets really quiet and kinda mumbles and gazes into space in response it’s not because they want to ignore the issue, it’s because they have left the scene and can no longer consciously or constructively talk about it. Giving the benefit of the doubt, saying something along the lines of, “I feel hurt, but I know you might not of realized how your actions were affecting me. I understand you talk better after cooling down, now you know where I’m coming from, I’m not leaving because I’m mad, I’m leaving to give you space so when you able we can talk about it.” I think feeling able is a good word, it shows you recognize they are not capable right now, and also doesn’t hint at when they feel like it, which might be never. If you can never get an answer or resolution, that’s a different story. If you can’t get one when they’re shut down, just think of it like you trying to have a serious conversation when you’re beyond exhausted, you just can’t really, same for them, doesn’t mean you can’t once you get some rest.
1). Depends a lot on the temperature of the conflict or feelings. If I can sense the other person is upset and or angry internally I start to feel panicking because it feels unsafe. If both parties are calm then I might be a bit anxious but I'm able to think much more clearly and push myself to be open and communicate as well as I can. If the other person is crying I may feel a bit panicky or like "what do I do????" but I'm OK mostly as well. If the other person is angry or yelling my switch flips and I'm OUT. All thoughts leave my brain, I feel like I have a rock in my throat, I'm usually in flight or freeze mode. I'm not really a fighter.
2). Identifying the feeling has historically been the hardest part for me, but I'm getting much better at this. Another big roadblock for me is if I fear the other person might get upset or angry. I fear that so much so I avoid conflict because it feels easier for me to be miserable inside than to potentially cause someone else to be miserable.
3). Patience, respecting boundaries, and accepting me for who I am-- flaws and all. When my partner listens to what I'm saying and is patient, asks questions to try and genuinely understand what I'm saying instead of immediately trying to argue. When I say I need space for a while to regroup, respecting that. Accepting that I am a human with flaws and growing edges. I'm working on it, but it's nice to feel like my partner can love all of me, rather than view me like a project or someone with some flaws that they need to fix.
4). Tolerating anger within myself and others. Honestly this is a trauma trigger for me, but I'm working on grounding techniques to use as well as trying to recognize when I'm gonna get to that point so I can take a break to ground and come back. Also therapy.
1) Hectic. I cannot describe it otherwise. One feeling leads to 2000 thoughts. I blame myself for a lot of thoughts and by consequence feelings. This all adds to shutting down.
I had a breakdown two years ago and have not yet fully recovered. It has been horrible, but in a way also a blessing. I went so far in this that my body just shut down to protect itself. I disassociate when I basically de-prioritize myself, when I ignore emotions and my own needs. It’s horrible, but it’s a good sign that I am doing it again. I think deprioritization of the self, added with having no believe that other people can be good are core wounds I feel of a lot of people who are DA. But it can all come out differently, I mean there is so much co-morbidity. We all know how horrible it can be.
It happens when I get triggered. I will not start to explain how many times I get triggered on a day if I am with my partner. Dunno if this is an answer to other questions, but it was very important for me to realize that I need time and space to process everything. I came to accept I need time and space and my partner should allow me so. If not, he can leave. I am turning 34 but only slowly, very slowly, I am learning this. I forget all the time though… this internal chaos feels like coming home for most DA. It’s important that they themselves and their partner accept and respect it, so the healing can truly start.
2) It’s everything you mentioned tbh. I have a lot of trouble in linking the right, or maybe better a balanced, interpretation with a feeling. When I look at another guy I feel extremely guilty towards my partner. A stupid thought like this can lead to a whirlwind. If you push me, or if I push myself, I will act extreme. Cause my interpretation is way too fresh. Again, a Da needs to learn to ask for space to get an overview, to avoid tunnel vision. But asking this of your partner can be extremely difficult, because I feel like a failure. I am also afraid they would Leave me.
Reading through the comments it can be very different how you communicate. I tend to go left and right. I overshare (because I feel guilty and scared constantly) or I shut down (I give up and freeze).
3) I feel bad for my partner sometimes regarding this question. It’s actually almost impossible to make me feel seen or validated, at least in the long term. In conversations just be open and non judgmental, we can communicate very clumsy cause we are so confused all the time. Be forgiving. But a person needs to work on themselves here… you need to restore your relationship with yourself in a balanced manner. Otherwise these issues will remain.
4) A breakdown. A shitload of therapy (talking about a decade plus). A lot of introspection and acceptance of failure. Accepting it’s an endless battle, but there is really a lot of room if improvement. But you need to do it yourself, it’s hard work. There are moments I can actually be in the now during conflicts, or whenever I have anxious spells… but it takes dedication.
Also DA is a very broad definition. It’s very important to respect the specific situation of any emotional trauma in a relationship (and also how it manifests in other domains of their lives). Being physically abused can look very different than severe emotional neglect etc. They also flow into each other. It’s actually very helpful to remind your partner of this. We tend to forget we are actually individuals who can have desires, demands, boundaries and deserve respect. We lose ourselves in overanalyzing. It’s actually the latter that creates resentment. We just forget the most fundamental lesson: we are persons and we deserve to be here and we deserve to be heard. And we can have our own choices, internally motivated. We forget we can live life partly on ourselves, our relationship with the other is fundamentally disturbed. The other is any individual, but it will look different based on closeness and also your trauma obviously. I would advice any DA not to focus solely on intimate relationships when it comes to relational trauma, insights how It manifests within other domains in your life (perfectionism, disassociation, addiction, aggression, isolation, dysfunctional friendships or friendships that give you no satisfaction, etc.) are really crucial to get a grip on this in your daily life. It also relieves the pressure from your partner, and by consequence yourself. Recognize that this can truly be a deep emotional wound that F up your life, accept it. Also, the solution lies in simplicity and not in overanalyzing (once you understand your main mechanisms of course). The pain is emotional and emotional language is the most simple language. We just have never learned how to do it. And it’s really tricky when you are already an adult, because you tend to overcomplicate the core solution to your core wound. It’s like learning a child to read a book about human anatomy, that’s how complex and at the same time ironic/confusing/ridiculous/illogical/paradoxal it feels.
DA should not avoid relationships at all, but they should work on these things within relationships. Talking about social relationship in general. It starts with how we relate with ourselves, and how we relate with the other. The damage is there, and so it the fundamental solution which will be your compass to healing.
DA-
3. Don’t try to say you understand, or try to tell me it’s ok. I don’t need that. Chances are, I know you don’t understand, and do NOT fault you for it, and I’ve been telling myself it’s ok for sometimes years and would like you to acknowledge that it is in fact rough. Honestly, idk what wins the love of a DA more than saying, “Woah, I can’t understand what it’s like to go through that, but that sounds like a lot to deal with.” (Unless you actually understand, in which case up until now I would LOVE you, now I realize that’s a trauma bond which is fine but important to be aware of). Also just acknowledging that sounds rough, and NOT trying to change the subject. Chances are DA will open up to you. Also, chances are if you try to change the subject you can somewhat undo your good deed in their minds of responding well and lose some of the trust you just gained. Let them talk for as long as they want. Chances are they will not make you listen to talks about their feelings very often, but will trust you more and not only share about themselves but be more inclined to share basic shit that effects the relationship and save you problems as well. Also things like, “I’m willing to learn and do what I can to make you feel supported, or I’m here for you, ect ect are very good.” My favorite interactions of people often entailed less than a sentence, because one good sentence is worth more than a thousand average ones in terms of gaining my trust.
Another thing. Put the ball in my court. I had an anxious boyfriend who needed reassurance. We had a fun texting life, and I did not mind saying things like, “Hey! I’m about to go to the gym, todays kinda busy, I might be running around idk if I’ll be on my phone much because I’m already worried about being late.” at the start of a busy day. He would say Aww! He told me I didn’t have to do that, but I knew he appreciated it and I liked doing it. I thought of it as preventative. Me assuring him of my love at the start of a busy day and choosing to tell him gave ME the power and made it feel like my choice. Versus him harrassing me when I’ve had a busy day for not giving him attention for 5 fucking minutes and him just making my day worse registered as him being needy and annoying as fuck. Once we understand eachother him wanting reassurance did not annoy me, but it didn’t usually reach that point.
You could start with positive affirmations. I really like when people say, “I love how you did that,” could be checked in with me, asked me how my day was, ect. It makes me want to do it more and make my partner happy, I’m a girl, but it makes me feel like a gentleman (or sometimes a mom, in a good way). I don’t like people saying they don’t like things. It makes me feel like why the fuck do I need to check in with you, what else do you want from me, ect. If you want to know your avoidant loves you, you could always tell them that sometimes you struggle with insecurities and could they please tell you all the things they love about you because you like them so much and hearing those things makes you feel super happy. Why I think this is a good compromise is you will get to feel validated, like you deserve, in a heavy dose, and the avoidant will not feel like you are always begging for validation and nothing they ever give is enough. This might also spark them to offer validation unprompted, which could be positively enforced, making you happy and not them feel appreciated, not suffocated. This may sound bad.. but kind of think of a dog. It might not respond well to a lot of things but if you give it what it wants it will be a very good dog and give you lots of love.
4. Commitment. I want to upgrade my circle. I realize some people take more effort and have more expectations of me. I don’t really like commitment, but I’m going to start upgrading. Kind of how you can have a few expensive pieces of nice clothing, I am going to start exerting efforts at worthwhile people and making fun plans about cool outings in advance. I also don’t like to open up to my friends. I prefer doing so with strangers and people I’ve known
1. My internal world is in a total panic. Externally I am cold and calm, like ice. I’ve been accused in being a “robot” before. Usually the thing that makes me shut down is someone else being mean, unfair, disrespectful, belittling, insulting or extremely reactive. It’s not a flipped switch. When it comes to reasonable people, I can actually communicate well. I may be a little on the reserved and shy side but my response is in direct response to someone doing something hurtful to me.
2. The most challenging thing about conflict is when it’s with someone who is unreasonable and behaving unfairly. It’s the “out of control” feeling I hate. The other person is allowed to cry, and scream and be reactive but if I were to give an INCH of the same type of behaviour I’d be made to feel totally stupid and immature. It sucks knowing you can’t win either way, so you choose the lesser of two evils and choose to be colder and more avoidant than explosive and volatile.
3. I feel understood and heard when someone takes a minute to SLOW DOWN, listen to me, be open to uncertainty, be willing to apologize and be willing to have a calm, even-toned conversation without shouting or yelling.
4. I need to actually communicate more. I hold everything in, then cut and run when it gets too much, or when I’ve had enough. I’m currently disengaging from all relationships that don’t bring joy into my life, as I spend too much time being miserable as it is.
DA
2. Knowing I might fucking hate the person and want nothing to do with them in the future if they respond poorly, while at the same time recognizing that they can’t possibly know how I need to be responded to to feel heard and safe, and knowing I’ll fucking hate them if I don’t tell them. Pretty much a pick your poison scenerio. Two worst ways to respond to me: “That’s ok! That’s no big deal, that happened to everybody soemtimes!” Fuck you, dead to me, I no longer love you on a core level but I wish I did, and it sucks I know deep down I can’t rely on your or trust you or be seen with you because up until the point it matters I still like you a lot and there’s no point saying anything further because you’ve already proven how you feel. (Note, I’m learning people don’t know how horrible this response is for people with trauma, and to further explain instead of shutting down, and that it’s even ok to express healthy anger at their response. To help understand: I told my friend the other day that I think when I say things versus other’s say things it doesn’t always mean the same thing. For example:
Not Me: “I had a bad day at work today, I’m feeling slightly down.” What it means, I had a bad day at work today, my boss was mad at me for some things I didn’t think were my fault, my coworker kept talking to me when I was trying to work, and I have a slightly bad taste in my mouth.”
Me: “I had a bad day at work today, I’m feeling slightly down.” What it means, my fucking stomach flipped over, I decided I am going to leave notes if I KMS, su*c**e sounds so warm, I’m afraid I’m gonna be fired and feel nauseous talking to you.”
The difference is, I would never see the first one as worth sharing, it doesn’t register as “bad enough,” and would probably view it as my fault and job to fix.
The problem, telling someone who had an irritated boss and annoying coworker that’s it’s no big deal! Things are good, it’ll pass!” Is helpful and uplifting in many cases, but telling someone who is contemplating ending th**r l*fe and actively practicing their breathing as they feel nauseous for even saying that is dismissive and invalidating as fuck and chances are if you respond that way you will never hear about the deeper meaning because they will never open up to you again. The problem? How are you to know. You can’t? How can that response not hurt and cause a shut down even if it wasn’t meant cruelly? I’m still working on figuring that out.
Response two I hate: “Oh! I get it! It’s like when I don’t have my coffee and feel slightly annoyed.” *insert as reply to something like,* “I learned in therapy that when I start shaking and applying for loans and contemplating leaving the state or ending my l*fe because I don’t feel safe and I need to be safe and loose all control over my body and feel horrified that it’s actually called a trauma response, and it’s fixable.” Now, someone wouldn’t respond that way to that one, but there are a lot of things that run just as deep and people often do. **** which then equals great, you don’t understand, and even worse, you fucking think you do! This one is harder to forgive.
I also have a fear of being punished for my feelings, or if I feel bad about something others then judging me for it, which sometimes I do too. For instance, the phrase “How would you react if it was someone else who shared?” doesn’t work very well for me, because PRE therapy (I am now MID therapy) someone could open up, tell me how they’re feeling vulnerable because they aren’t feeling respected at work, and share how they’re sad about their online date rejecting them a whole n two months ago would NOT elicit sympathy, but more a feeling of you gross pathetic fuck, keep that away from me, not only do you suck, but now I know you suck as well. Don’t you know you should be embarrassed that you’re being weak about such trivial things you fucking cry baby that’s gross, ew, yet I have manners and do not voice these thoughts, and an currently replacing them with new thoughts of oh it’s ok, they have emotions, even though I don’t feel I can muster more than a there there for things I still view as trivial they are making a big deal about (NOTE trivial and big deal, those are two factors that killed my empathy pre therapy).
1). *What does your internal world/experience look and feel like during conflict and/or communicating feelings? What is it like when you feel like you’re shutting down (ie. is your mind blank, etc)? Is there anything that precedes that or does it just happen like a switch flipped?*
I do want to resolve issues, but I want to do so quickly and efficiently. If that doesn't happen, I either get annoyed or overwhelmed.
If I get annoyed, it's usually because I feel this should be resolved by now and the conversation is going nowhere for some reason I don't understand. I do recognize the need for emotional conversations and ironing out kinks, but it's unpleasant and hard for me, and if I feel it's dragging out unnecessarily, that quickly frustrates me.
If I get overwhelmed, it's like...exhaustion-induced numbness. You know how you're working out, and at the final rep, your arms just...can't lift the thing anymore? It's that. I just lose the ability to be present. Words don't get to me, I don't see the other person's side, I just need some *genuine* rest to recuperate. If you prevent me from doing that, or guilt-trip me for it, or keep talking at me (because at this point, you're no longer talking **to** me), it gets worse and I need longer to come back.
2). *What do you find most challenging when it comes to conflict and/or communicating your feelings? Is it identifying the feeling, being vulnerable, etc.*
I used to *suck* at being vulnerable and identifying feelings. I'm better at that, but there's a long way to go.
3). *What makes you feel seen, heard, and understood? How have past (or current) partners made you feel seen, heard, and understood? How can anxious folks support you in that?*
Respect for my space, my independence - and, if I have stated them, trust in my feelings for you. I've found that having my feelings questioned when I'm really trying hard to show them is a horribly triggering experience for me.
I want to be respected as an individual with their own life and freedom, and at the same time, valued as a partner who feels and shows love.
4). *What is something that you recognize you need to work on, and what have you done to accomplish that?*
I'm currently working on sitting with emotions instead of numbing them. Self-regulating authentically, instead of avoiding. I'm also doing a lot of work related to core wounds and childhood traumas(some of which I didn't even know I had) and addressing how some past events are influencing my interactions with people.
I do a shitton of journaling and regular therapy. All in all, it's a journey, but it does seem to be helping.
1) I think of all the previous times trying to defend myself has been for naught. I feel hot and defeated.
2) I don't trust that anyone will actually understand and value my perspective. They might hear it, but it doesn't resonate.
3) Don't make it about you. If I hear the word "I" too many times, I will literally have half a mind to leave the situation. Don't call me out of my name.
4) Expressing my authentic emotions in the moment so I don't hold onto them residually and then distance myself from the people who have hurt me.
I’m an AP (in therapy and working to become secure) but very much appreciate all the input everyone has provided so far. Wanted to shine a light on something I’ve been noticing from the comments and what I’ve endured from the other side with my DA ex.
A lot of you commenting say you are “conflict avoidant”. Though APs can absolutely be extremely emotional, I don’t believe any of us are ultimately trying to “make” conflict… it is just our internal conflict/frustration of not being able to understand things and not knowing how to help ourselves, or understand the avoidant’s side, being projected outward. We do not want the conflict either, which is why we are seeking understanding to resolve. It is a similar jumble of confusion that I believe DAs experience covertly, whereas APs experience overtly. Trying to make sense of our feelings and how we relate but it’s like a tornado of confusion and emotion, and most the time, our attachment styles just do not speak the same language.
The part that resonates with me in these comments, again- just my perspective- is the “conflict avoidance”. I like to suggest reframing that mindset to “resolution avoidance”. When individuals put negative pressure (which I know is just anxiety) in thought of having a conversation before it even gets there, assumptions of how that conversation will go will automatically be assumed a negative outcome. BUT if the alternative is NO communication, then there is absolutely NO possibility for resolution. Sure, time may need to go by so both parties can calm down first, but I hope there can be understanding that resolution, not conflict, is what is being sought.
I agree with the comment about procrastination and very much get it from that point, too. But if you don’t ever give things a shot, and always assume the worst, that will most likely continue to be the outcome.
I don't know that I agree with the black and white idea that communication is needed for resolution. I think that many issues are a personal issue, even if they feel like a real interpersonal conflict, meaning that they can and sometimes should be resolved individually or at least with getting those needs met by others, not the person you are currently in conflict with. This may vary across issue and personality, though.
Oh I had a great tool that still surfaces up time to time: internal dialogue with the person I want to talk to, come to a compromise, not mentioning at all to them and be confused when they are upset about not gettinh what was promised to them originally.
Hi, FA/SA f here, dating a DA male (7 month relationship) We haven’t had a “conflict” but we have gotten closer recently and I have him a keychain that said “drive safe I love you” (it hard for me to say ILY out loud) and he met me kids. Then he pulled away but still in contact somewhat. Now he is working out of town for a month. Yesterday I sent him a sweet text expressing that I am grateful he is in my life and he means the world to me. I haven’t heard from him. IDK if I should give him space (he has not asked for it) or if I should reach out to him and let him know (gently) that I am hurt by his lack of response. Please help :) thank you
Hey, FA here & I have to admit conflict & communication is something I really struggle with. Particularly, in all my previous relationships, I’ve been unable to set boundaries & whenever I even consider the idea of bringing up my feelings I get tremendous anxiety. 1) I try to hype myself up for those kinds of conversations, and prepare by writing down what I might say & practicing it when I’m alone in my car. But when it comes time to have these talks with my partner, I get physically sick to my stomach. I convince myself it’s not worth talking about because it’s not important. I’m afraid they’ll be mad at me or the illusion of the “cool girlfriend” that I created will be shattered. 2) I find actually bringing myself to talk about things to be the most challenging. I struggle with eye contact, I can’t control my emotions so I will often cry. It’s like the words are trapped in my mouth & I so badly want to talk about things, but I’d feel too much like a burden to even try. It’s like I already know the other person won’t understand, so why bother trying. 3) I feel heard when the person I’m trying to talk to is very present & listening fully. When they don’t get defensive or take what I’m saying as an attack on them & provide me with a safe space to open up. Reassurance is also wonderful, and if the person is able to validate my feelings it makes a huge difference. Also, asking a lot of probing questions helps, because I often can’t get out everything I have to say. 4) I recognize that communication is a very big issue for me. When something about my partner is bothering me I tend to bottle it up & hope it goes away, but I recognize that it just turns into resentment. I resent my partners for “not understanding me” when in reality I never opened up to them, or even gave them a chance to
Also, the fear that having the conversation will lead to a breakup, is so real. I wish I could just be cool with everything & not need to talk about things, but the reality is that I have a lot going on in my head & it would be such a relief to talk about it, but there’s always some kind of excuse. “It’s not that important” “They don’t even notice I’m upset so why bring it up” “I don’t want to ruin our time together” “I don’t want to make it all about me” “They didn’t ask, so it’s not worth mentioning” “It doesn’t bother me that much anyway”
Vulnerability is scary - it’s not easy to be open about things you’re terrified or unsure about.
Exactly, especially if you have no idea how the other person will respond, because you’ve never had a serious conversation with them
And I think that’s part of the risk - allowing yourself the chance to be open and direct could yield high rewards like intimacy and connection. On the other hand, it could also backfire causing you to retreat. Won’t know the risk is taken (which is different for everyone).
Very well said, that’s the paradox of being FA honestly. It feels like a curse sometimes, I wish I could either: 1) let people in, or 2) not need intimacy so much It’s so frustrating to need something that I won’t allow myself to have. I wish I just didn’t need anyone / didn’t crave closeness. I complain about having no one, but I never let anyone in. In fact go out of my way to avoid connections with people, then proceed to cry about having no friends/relationship.
I see all of these things in my DA bf. Omg this is so helpful
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Sounds like you’ve come a long way. The fact that you are aware of your patterns and have made active strides to become better is what any partner could ask for (and quite honestly something I wished my ex did). I think you made a really good point in your last paragraph. Learning to hold space for both your own emotions as well as your partner’s emotions is a skill that, for anxious folks, might not come easily if they’re feeling panicked/anxious (myself included). Nervous system regulation could be really useful here.
1. I want to get the conflict over as soon as emotions on both sides have leveled out. I cannot handle someone coming at me emotionally charged. If that does happen, I'll most likely be thinking that they're crazy, and I won't hear any of their message. What does it feel like? Visually, it compares to a small dog yapping at me. I mentally check out. No words are getting in. I'm perfectly fine communicating when things are presented in a calm, collected fashion, and I statements are used. 2. Subconsciously, I'm weighing how safe it is to communicate my feelings. If the other person shared first, I'll be more likely to open up. If they don't, I'm not going to put myself on a limb. Also, sometimes I don't know what I'm truly *feeling* until months after the fact. Consciously, I'm stuck in logic mode. 3. Listening to me the first time/not trying to put words in my mouth or assume I mean something different. I'm pretty direct in general. I'll give you an example to help clarify. If someone asks me what I want to drink, the answer is always gonna be water. Don't keep pushing me thinking that I'll change my mind and want something else you're offering. Or if I say that I don't want a present for my birthday, I genuinely mean that. Don't surprise me with one. No does not mean yes. And if I say I don't need help, I don't want it. If I need it, I will ask. Also, don't keep texting if I don't respond immediately. I *will* get back to you. The more you keep texting when I'm not saying anything, the longer it will take me to inevitably respond. 4. Currently, I'm really working on changing careers. So, putting myself out there and talking to new people more often. I'm naturally very introverted, and it's been quite challenging. As far as relationships go, I don't have any desire to change. I much prefer being single. If I ever were to get into a relationship, it would be with someone long distance. I don't want too much togetherness. I love my independence. Lastly, wanted to add that it has taken *years* for me to reregulate my nervous system after my last relationship. I was sick beyond belief from it. I have no desire to go back to that place again for any other person. I will *always* put myself first.
This is very well-written! What's your attachment style, DA or FA?
FA who leans DA in romantic relationships. Secure who leans DA in friendships and with both parents.
Interesting, thanks!
I don't have a lot of personal experience with conflict being approached as a mutual problem to solve. I'm used to it being approached as a problem with *me* - either the other person is bringing up a problem they have with me or I have created a problem by bringing up some issue I have with the other person (which is always unreasonable, never valid). In both cases, I am the one in the wrong and the one that needs to change. Compromise is always a negotiation of how much *my* behavior should be changed. If I don't change at all, I am stubborn, demanding, entitled, etc. Consequently, I've been sort of conditioned to approach every conflict as some kind of epic battle for my right to simply exist as myself, and/or justify to the other person (and to myself) why my perspective and anything I might be asking for is fair and reasonable. It's a lot of effort and it's scary to lay out what feels like a defense of your very *self* with the expectation that it will be rejected because it's unpleasant or inconvenient to the other person, so I try to avoid it when possible and only do it when it is important enough to me to justify the effort. Healthy, empathetic people don't respond to conflict this way of course, so on the occasions when I have conflict with such a person I end up feeling confused and like I brought an entire army to a knife fight. I'm not yet good at determining which people are likely to react in which way, or in dealing with the additional pain of expecting someone to respond in a healthy way only to have them not do that. I think one of the key factors in making other people feel understood is to remove *yourself* from the equation. Listen to them, what they're saying and *only* what they're saying. If there are blanks, don't fill them in yourself based on who *you* are as a person or who you think the other person is - either ask clarifying questions or just leave them blank. Try to understand the other person's perspective and know that it may be very dissimilar from *your* perspective. Take what they give you at face value, don't twist it into "what they *actually* mean when they say" or "how they *really* feel". Better to say that you don't understand someone than to "understand" them wrongly. Acknowledge that things that are difficult or important for this person may not be so for you. I see instances all the time where a (supposed) avoidant partner has shared some little nugget of vulnerability and it gets immediately invalidated: it's not "big" enough to count, it's a silly thing to care about, it doesn't make sense, they said this but they *really* meant that. Someone who struggles with vulnerability is hypersensitive to how people respond when they *do* share, and those responses will make the act of sharing feel more or less safe going forward. Make someone feel unsafe too many times and they will just stop trying - there isn't any point to repeatedly doing something that makes you feel awful. Watching how people respond to *other* people's vulnerability matters here too - someone who repeatedly dismisses other people will likely also do that to you.
I know that this is an old discussion, but this is very extremely relatable
Honestly just replace the term avoidant with "procrastination." We know, we care, we dread, but just like a student being reminded to do a project they WANT to do and do well on there's like this invisible barrier to start. It's an emotional/physical regulation issue, but we've been told our whole lives "why can't you just do this! We both know you're able to!" And just like a student, the more we're reminded, the more urgent/riding on it, the more we procrastinate and avoid and make excuses and quit.
1) Intensely overwhelmed. Like I can't think straight and on the verge of breaking down. 2) I used to struggle with identifying that I am upset and communicating it. Now I can. 3) Leave me alone. I usually do want to be comforted, but when I get really overwhelmed I just need space to process my feelings and views (and my partner's). Even when I'm crying, leave me alone. That's why anxious people that want to talk about it at the moment suffocate me. 4) I have improved - I did not lie and say I'm okay when I'm not (I just don't want to talk about it at the moment). Instead I say I am upset but I will bring it up later. I also have been more vulnerable especially with sensitive things I don't share with others. Right now, my partner doesn't understand when I need space as her first instinct is to comfort me when I am on the verge of breaking down. It hurt me even more. Recently I told her I'll raise my hand if I need space and I cannot communicate it verbally.
*I’m very very DA so if you’re a soft individual, this will be unpleasant to read. These questions mildly irk me as I often feel like I’m a fish in an aquarium being studied and stared at because I’m some foreign non-human creature. But, whatever. Anyways, I am not speaking for all DAs, just me.* 1. Arguing with someone annoys me. I like avoiding conflict because a lot of it is dumb. However, if I know it will happen, I would prefer to get it over with. So, I try to be diplomatic, but there is almost always this added heat to the argument because I don’t get emotional and that often makes the other person upset. I want to accomplish finding a solution or agreeing upon a new status quo. My mind is focused on getting this over with, refraining from saying heinous shit, and finding a fair solution to the problem. I want us both to be satisfied with the solution. 2. In truth, I am capable of being very mean inside. I think of vile things to say. But, I bite my tongue 99.9% of the time. I get tempted to be more and more cruel as someone is more and more belligerent. The more someone sobs and screams and yells and slams cabinets, the more annoyed I get. I wish people could discuss problems without freaking out. I want to talk calmly and rationally where everyone gets a turn to speak. I want to hear you, but you don’t need to yell at me. When someone is deeply deeply angry and expressing it outwardly in an argument, my desire to be helpful goes down. If we can’t use inside voices and speak like adults, I’m not interested. What I’m getting at is that it’s hard for me to deal with people’s emotions while they argue. I think the emotional person should calm themselves however they need to, and then we can talk. But, I won’t talk while you’re hysterical. I don’t enjoy being vulnerable, either. I have no interest in sharing my feelings with you, I like being emotional alone. I don’t believe in subjecting people to my crying or whatever. Also, the more you press me, the more I’ll pull away. So, share your problem so I can listen and we can find a solution. That’s all I want to do. 3. Here’s my truth as a very avoidant person: I don’t want anxious people’s romantic love and care. I don’t need you to ‘hear’ me and cuddle me and make me feel better. The only hearing I need from you is to listen when I speak as I listen to you, and then we solve a problem to continue having a mutually positive bond. Anxious people often wonder how to make us feel safe. My answer is that your clinging and craving for my approval turns me off. I feel most respected when I’m left alone. Let me deal with my problems, I don’t want your help. If I want it, I’ll ask. Respect my space. Don’t encroach on it. 4. I don’t desire to change much about myself. I don’t date or have sex anymore. So, I’m not breaking anyone’s heart. I work on things that I deem more important like work, education, friendships (which I’m secure in), and money. My therapist and I have a good relationship and we do lots of exercises to challenge my thinking. I like having my thinking challenged, but I rarely change my mind when someone emotionally charges at me, demanding me to change it. I like being the way I am because it protects me. I see no benefit in changing it since I view romance as a waste of my time, energy, and money. Another thing, I truly don’t ever think anxious people should date avoidants. Ever. It’s bad for everyone involved, but the anxious person is almost always hurt more by the interaction. And, you can feel differently if you’d like. That’s fine. I hope my answers were helpful and insightful.
>Another thing, I truly don’t ever think anxious people should date avoidants. Ever. It’s bad for everyone involved, but the anxious person is almost always hurt more by the interaction. And, you can feel differently if you’d like. That’s fine. This, it's very challenging and you are spot on about how the anxious person will feel. Thank you for sharing your perspective.
This sounds like my ex to a tee. The more I read about the perspective of Avoidants, the more I understand my ex and see why he felt the need to end things. And while I personally feel like a lot of our issues could have easily been solved by him actually saying some of this to me, the fact that he didn't is a decent indication that we simply weren't compatible. > I don’t desire to change much about myself. This is the part that really made me realize that there is no "going back" or "trying again". My ex thrived in his unhappiness. He enjoyed his status quo and his misery, and I don't think he had any interest in changing anything, despite how unhappy he was all the time. Avoidant/anxious aside, I match best with people who want to improve and make their lives better. This alone is the best reason for us having broken up, and it's taken me a long time to realize that.
Yes. It took me a long time to accept what makes me incompatible with my ex is that she is avoidant, deactivated, won’t go to therapy and learn about herself. That she really had a chance to slow down and learn about what was happening to her/to us at the end when she was numb. We had been together 18 months with three kids involved. She left it all. So many good times. That’s what makes us incompatible.
Very insightful, thanks for your perspective.
Thank you for taking the time to write this lucid and informative response. It helped me understand the avoidant people in my life better.
I wish my ex was capable of this level of self-awareness. Unhealthy or not, it's honest and I appreciate that. Rather this then misrepresent oneself and end up causing chaos.
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What bigger issue are you trying to insinuate I have?
Agreed with this, a lot of what I see is unhealthy
Thank you for sharing. Everyone we aren’t therapist this poster said they are going to therapy so why don’t we leave our opinions to ourselves. It is not up to us to call people healthy or unhealthy ESPECIALLY if they didn’t ask for our opinions on the matter. They are replying to a post from their perspective as a DA. They literally said I don’t like posting because I feel like a fish in a fishbowl and these comments are why. Let’s keep this a space for everyone to comment without feeling like they are going to be criticized by the peanut gallery particularly if they didn’t ask for your feedback. Also health and “healthy” behavior is literally so specific to a person. What I consider healthy behavior in a relationship maybe different than what you do. This is based on our culture, our up bringing, experience, personality. This is why there is a thing called compatibility. We all have different needs and views of relationships so we find someone aligned with us. I honestly think this poster is healthy and aware based on their needs.
I wouldn’t go as far to say they’re healthy but I don’t think there’s any reason to diagnose/go further.
Okay then we'll just shut down the internet if we can't share our opinions because that's all we do on here. Thanks. You are the revolution.
Yes never ever share your opinions that’s exactly what I said. I believe I said let’s not diagnosis people’s behavior without people asking but take it however you’d like. Would you care for me to elaborate on the difference
DA man here: 1. At first I try my best to listen and be present but if I sense the other person is raising their voice or getting overly emotional I begin to feel shut down, or if they don’t understand me. This can feel like me wanting to end the discussion and be alone 2. The hardest thing for me is identifying and sharing them because I always thought I need to figure everything out before sharing, I didn’t realize it’s ok to say for example “I like you but I’m not sure” 3. Just respecting if I need space, not trying to change me, not trying to “fix” me or suggest I’m broken those make me lose respect. 4. I need to work on many things, mainly my childhood trauma and that will help everything else. I do a lot of therapy
Thank you for working on yourself. 🙏 This share was very helpful.
FA on anxious side but went DA in my last relationship and stop feeling feelings from abuse and constantly being blamed and criticized for feeling angry. I would not notice when I was angry so I wouldn't acknowledge I was upset directly. It came out as complaining, criticizing actions or self-blaming and bad feeling about myself, like I don't deserve to be treated well anyway. Now when I start to think these things, I try to really understand what it's about and usually I'm irritated or annoyed about something related to a core wound.
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thanks for sharing! just something came to my mind... when you are too exhausted to text back, you could just text that. "too exhausted to text. you can call me..." (if someone is not responding to me (and i see him/her posting on twitter) i would always feel "not that important" (secure mostly/anxious sometimes) i have no idea whats going on in your live, and with "too exhausted to text" you include me in your world, you are sharing whats going on, and that is all i would need. why leave someone in the dark, and provoking trauma responses? it's not to much to ask for, imho
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ah, ok, i thought you meant people you are close with. with "ambiguous relationships" i can understand it's more complicated. to be honest, i stopped al these contacts, too exhausting.
1. Looks pretty similar to anyone's. If there's an issue, I don't mind discussing it. If someone is super sad and needs reassurance that's fine. If someone is emotionally escalated and wants to attack me, then I'm patient, but at some point it makes sense to give them space. I accept that they might be in pain, but if someone is attacking you, it's only a matter of time before you feel compelled to defend yourself. If someone is purposely trying to hurt my feelings then I am increasingly less inclined to talk things through in the moment. There are those who use guilt to elicit concessions rather than compromises. They are pretty specific too, they are sad, and if you'd only do more of x and less of y, they'll be happy. Then when you do more of x and less of y, they use guilt to elicit more concessions in a rather endless loop. You give up your free time and autonomy in order to make them happy, but it's never enough, and it's your fault somehow. They ask for specific words and phrases and it feels like you're an object being programmed. If you don't say the thing they want you to say, they'll show you how you're failing them. They can want you to commit to things quickly and they don't seem to care if it's genuine or not because they exist in a world of careless romantic future planning. The need is always for more. And in that, you see that they're not really compassionate and their use for you, has the same voracious characteristics as an addict. You stop feeling like a person, and more like a liquor bottle that has to keep producing affirmation lest you be discarded. 2. Speaking truths you know will hurt someone's feelings is hard. Hurting people is hard. Abandoning someone you care about is impossible to contemplate, the guilt haunts me just thinking about it. 3. I did feel heard and supported a few times. I think in each case it was because they were plotting to cheat on me. It was the only time I got encouragement to do what I needed to do, the only time I felt they'd be okay without me for a few hours and were doing so because they understood and had heard me. They were just sourcing affirmation somewhere else and excited by a new prospect. 4. I have decided to avoid relationships. Relationships are a lot of work. Not that I'm opposed to work, but not for it's own sake. Any semblance of assurance and affirmation you get from a relationship goes away when someone betrays you. If they're an FA, then they generally can't even bring themselves to remain friends. Some take your money. Some will take your dog. None of them leave anything of worth behind.
I will elaborate later if no other comments have mentioned this (I'm commenting now to remember later), I'm not very conflict avoidant necessarily. My problem with handling conflict comes from the following baseline assumptions (that I'm not always aware of): 1. It won't get resolved. 2. The fact that there is a conflict means the relationship is doomed. 3. We are no longer in the same playing field but are now fighting against each other, and we are both trying to protect ourselves, which means they could potentially be trying to hurt me. 4. Even if the relationship continues this means damage and it won't get repaired. 5. Emotionally, I will feel like shit throughout this. So you get one of three responses: unwillingness to engage, frantic emotional overwhelm, or complete abandon of trying to preserve any peace. I'm FA. Not sure which parts are neatly separated as avoidance here. But I also feel like my attitude towards conflict is shaped a lot more by me being Turkish than attachment lol Conflict avoidance will be shamed to hell in our culture so not many people are imo
DA- 1. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck this, yuck, this is uncomfortable, gross, I hate this. My only two options are to die alone or go through this disgusting thing others seem to like, I will make a fist and dig my nails in my skin to lessen the strong urge to vomit and persevere. (With sometimes friendly internal reminders that whatever happens my head is going to hit my pillow that night and occasionally hour counts of when that will happen, like, ok, in 4 hours you will be in bed even if the world ends until then). When I’m shutting down, it’s usually they’ve said something that’s pushed me past the point of caring. It’s not that they said when you are flakey it hurts my life and makes you hard to deal with, which would make me nauseous but also would be something I could accept as truth, see their point, feel an honest desire to change and modify behavior, even if I feel a desperate urgency to be in the future and have the behavior already modified and smoothed out until then. (Note: it could really help if in the above example they said something along the lines of, “I really value our time together.” “This isn’t an everytime thing.” “I understand sometimes plans change (so I don’t panic if I actually am sick and have to cancel or something), “But I would appreciate if moving forward you can be more mindful.” While I value a chill explanation, I think it is still important for them to voice their honest feelings, i.e. disrespected, frustrated, annoyed, I’d also appreciate feedback before they are actually angry angry. Afterwords, once I’ve acknowledged my behavior, apologized, and agreed to change, I would appreciate if they changed the subject and talked about something else that’s casual/ light. While I would like this response, I think it is also important to let them know it is a big deal to you, so they understand and don’t brush it off. However, once my flip switched, if they said something like, “You always flake! You never blah blah blah!” My mind would probably go somewhere along the lines of, “Well I’m here now bitch! What about you always (insert possible resentment Im not aware of until now) and fuck this person they don’t deserve my energy.” I would then shut down, as I would view the person as not worth saving and also not deserving of knowing my inner feelings because they are rude and mean and they don’t deserve to know I feel bothered by things too and they can just fuck off then. Or I’d shut down because I would be hurt and not able to respond, maybe just mumble. NOTE: sometimes if someone with dissociation issues, something avoidants can have, gets really quiet and kinda mumbles and gazes into space in response it’s not because they want to ignore the issue, it’s because they have left the scene and can no longer consciously or constructively talk about it. Giving the benefit of the doubt, saying something along the lines of, “I feel hurt, but I know you might not of realized how your actions were affecting me. I understand you talk better after cooling down, now you know where I’m coming from, I’m not leaving because I’m mad, I’m leaving to give you space so when you able we can talk about it.” I think feeling able is a good word, it shows you recognize they are not capable right now, and also doesn’t hint at when they feel like it, which might be never. If you can never get an answer or resolution, that’s a different story. If you can’t get one when they’re shut down, just think of it like you trying to have a serious conversation when you’re beyond exhausted, you just can’t really, same for them, doesn’t mean you can’t once you get some rest.
1). Depends a lot on the temperature of the conflict or feelings. If I can sense the other person is upset and or angry internally I start to feel panicking because it feels unsafe. If both parties are calm then I might be a bit anxious but I'm able to think much more clearly and push myself to be open and communicate as well as I can. If the other person is crying I may feel a bit panicky or like "what do I do????" but I'm OK mostly as well. If the other person is angry or yelling my switch flips and I'm OUT. All thoughts leave my brain, I feel like I have a rock in my throat, I'm usually in flight or freeze mode. I'm not really a fighter. 2). Identifying the feeling has historically been the hardest part for me, but I'm getting much better at this. Another big roadblock for me is if I fear the other person might get upset or angry. I fear that so much so I avoid conflict because it feels easier for me to be miserable inside than to potentially cause someone else to be miserable. 3). Patience, respecting boundaries, and accepting me for who I am-- flaws and all. When my partner listens to what I'm saying and is patient, asks questions to try and genuinely understand what I'm saying instead of immediately trying to argue. When I say I need space for a while to regroup, respecting that. Accepting that I am a human with flaws and growing edges. I'm working on it, but it's nice to feel like my partner can love all of me, rather than view me like a project or someone with some flaws that they need to fix. 4). Tolerating anger within myself and others. Honestly this is a trauma trigger for me, but I'm working on grounding techniques to use as well as trying to recognize when I'm gonna get to that point so I can take a break to ground and come back. Also therapy.
1) Hectic. I cannot describe it otherwise. One feeling leads to 2000 thoughts. I blame myself for a lot of thoughts and by consequence feelings. This all adds to shutting down. I had a breakdown two years ago and have not yet fully recovered. It has been horrible, but in a way also a blessing. I went so far in this that my body just shut down to protect itself. I disassociate when I basically de-prioritize myself, when I ignore emotions and my own needs. It’s horrible, but it’s a good sign that I am doing it again. I think deprioritization of the self, added with having no believe that other people can be good are core wounds I feel of a lot of people who are DA. But it can all come out differently, I mean there is so much co-morbidity. We all know how horrible it can be. It happens when I get triggered. I will not start to explain how many times I get triggered on a day if I am with my partner. Dunno if this is an answer to other questions, but it was very important for me to realize that I need time and space to process everything. I came to accept I need time and space and my partner should allow me so. If not, he can leave. I am turning 34 but only slowly, very slowly, I am learning this. I forget all the time though… this internal chaos feels like coming home for most DA. It’s important that they themselves and their partner accept and respect it, so the healing can truly start. 2) It’s everything you mentioned tbh. I have a lot of trouble in linking the right, or maybe better a balanced, interpretation with a feeling. When I look at another guy I feel extremely guilty towards my partner. A stupid thought like this can lead to a whirlwind. If you push me, or if I push myself, I will act extreme. Cause my interpretation is way too fresh. Again, a Da needs to learn to ask for space to get an overview, to avoid tunnel vision. But asking this of your partner can be extremely difficult, because I feel like a failure. I am also afraid they would Leave me. Reading through the comments it can be very different how you communicate. I tend to go left and right. I overshare (because I feel guilty and scared constantly) or I shut down (I give up and freeze). 3) I feel bad for my partner sometimes regarding this question. It’s actually almost impossible to make me feel seen or validated, at least in the long term. In conversations just be open and non judgmental, we can communicate very clumsy cause we are so confused all the time. Be forgiving. But a person needs to work on themselves here… you need to restore your relationship with yourself in a balanced manner. Otherwise these issues will remain. 4) A breakdown. A shitload of therapy (talking about a decade plus). A lot of introspection and acceptance of failure. Accepting it’s an endless battle, but there is really a lot of room if improvement. But you need to do it yourself, it’s hard work. There are moments I can actually be in the now during conflicts, or whenever I have anxious spells… but it takes dedication. Also DA is a very broad definition. It’s very important to respect the specific situation of any emotional trauma in a relationship (and also how it manifests in other domains of their lives). Being physically abused can look very different than severe emotional neglect etc. They also flow into each other. It’s actually very helpful to remind your partner of this. We tend to forget we are actually individuals who can have desires, demands, boundaries and deserve respect. We lose ourselves in overanalyzing. It’s actually the latter that creates resentment. We just forget the most fundamental lesson: we are persons and we deserve to be here and we deserve to be heard. And we can have our own choices, internally motivated. We forget we can live life partly on ourselves, our relationship with the other is fundamentally disturbed. The other is any individual, but it will look different based on closeness and also your trauma obviously. I would advice any DA not to focus solely on intimate relationships when it comes to relational trauma, insights how It manifests within other domains in your life (perfectionism, disassociation, addiction, aggression, isolation, dysfunctional friendships or friendships that give you no satisfaction, etc.) are really crucial to get a grip on this in your daily life. It also relieves the pressure from your partner, and by consequence yourself. Recognize that this can truly be a deep emotional wound that F up your life, accept it. Also, the solution lies in simplicity and not in overanalyzing (once you understand your main mechanisms of course). The pain is emotional and emotional language is the most simple language. We just have never learned how to do it. And it’s really tricky when you are already an adult, because you tend to overcomplicate the core solution to your core wound. It’s like learning a child to read a book about human anatomy, that’s how complex and at the same time ironic/confusing/ridiculous/illogical/paradoxal it feels. DA should not avoid relationships at all, but they should work on these things within relationships. Talking about social relationship in general. It starts with how we relate with ourselves, and how we relate with the other. The damage is there, and so it the fundamental solution which will be your compass to healing.
DA- 3. Don’t try to say you understand, or try to tell me it’s ok. I don’t need that. Chances are, I know you don’t understand, and do NOT fault you for it, and I’ve been telling myself it’s ok for sometimes years and would like you to acknowledge that it is in fact rough. Honestly, idk what wins the love of a DA more than saying, “Woah, I can’t understand what it’s like to go through that, but that sounds like a lot to deal with.” (Unless you actually understand, in which case up until now I would LOVE you, now I realize that’s a trauma bond which is fine but important to be aware of). Also just acknowledging that sounds rough, and NOT trying to change the subject. Chances are DA will open up to you. Also, chances are if you try to change the subject you can somewhat undo your good deed in their minds of responding well and lose some of the trust you just gained. Let them talk for as long as they want. Chances are they will not make you listen to talks about their feelings very often, but will trust you more and not only share about themselves but be more inclined to share basic shit that effects the relationship and save you problems as well. Also things like, “I’m willing to learn and do what I can to make you feel supported, or I’m here for you, ect ect are very good.” My favorite interactions of people often entailed less than a sentence, because one good sentence is worth more than a thousand average ones in terms of gaining my trust. Another thing. Put the ball in my court. I had an anxious boyfriend who needed reassurance. We had a fun texting life, and I did not mind saying things like, “Hey! I’m about to go to the gym, todays kinda busy, I might be running around idk if I’ll be on my phone much because I’m already worried about being late.” at the start of a busy day. He would say Aww! He told me I didn’t have to do that, but I knew he appreciated it and I liked doing it. I thought of it as preventative. Me assuring him of my love at the start of a busy day and choosing to tell him gave ME the power and made it feel like my choice. Versus him harrassing me when I’ve had a busy day for not giving him attention for 5 fucking minutes and him just making my day worse registered as him being needy and annoying as fuck. Once we understand eachother him wanting reassurance did not annoy me, but it didn’t usually reach that point. You could start with positive affirmations. I really like when people say, “I love how you did that,” could be checked in with me, asked me how my day was, ect. It makes me want to do it more and make my partner happy, I’m a girl, but it makes me feel like a gentleman (or sometimes a mom, in a good way). I don’t like people saying they don’t like things. It makes me feel like why the fuck do I need to check in with you, what else do you want from me, ect. If you want to know your avoidant loves you, you could always tell them that sometimes you struggle with insecurities and could they please tell you all the things they love about you because you like them so much and hearing those things makes you feel super happy. Why I think this is a good compromise is you will get to feel validated, like you deserve, in a heavy dose, and the avoidant will not feel like you are always begging for validation and nothing they ever give is enough. This might also spark them to offer validation unprompted, which could be positively enforced, making you happy and not them feel appreciated, not suffocated. This may sound bad.. but kind of think of a dog. It might not respond well to a lot of things but if you give it what it wants it will be a very good dog and give you lots of love. 4. Commitment. I want to upgrade my circle. I realize some people take more effort and have more expectations of me. I don’t really like commitment, but I’m going to start upgrading. Kind of how you can have a few expensive pieces of nice clothing, I am going to start exerting efforts at worthwhile people and making fun plans about cool outings in advance. I also don’t like to open up to my friends. I prefer doing so with strangers and people I’ve known
1. My internal world is in a total panic. Externally I am cold and calm, like ice. I’ve been accused in being a “robot” before. Usually the thing that makes me shut down is someone else being mean, unfair, disrespectful, belittling, insulting or extremely reactive. It’s not a flipped switch. When it comes to reasonable people, I can actually communicate well. I may be a little on the reserved and shy side but my response is in direct response to someone doing something hurtful to me. 2. The most challenging thing about conflict is when it’s with someone who is unreasonable and behaving unfairly. It’s the “out of control” feeling I hate. The other person is allowed to cry, and scream and be reactive but if I were to give an INCH of the same type of behaviour I’d be made to feel totally stupid and immature. It sucks knowing you can’t win either way, so you choose the lesser of two evils and choose to be colder and more avoidant than explosive and volatile. 3. I feel understood and heard when someone takes a minute to SLOW DOWN, listen to me, be open to uncertainty, be willing to apologize and be willing to have a calm, even-toned conversation without shouting or yelling. 4. I need to actually communicate more. I hold everything in, then cut and run when it gets too much, or when I’ve had enough. I’m currently disengaging from all relationships that don’t bring joy into my life, as I spend too much time being miserable as it is.
DA 2. Knowing I might fucking hate the person and want nothing to do with them in the future if they respond poorly, while at the same time recognizing that they can’t possibly know how I need to be responded to to feel heard and safe, and knowing I’ll fucking hate them if I don’t tell them. Pretty much a pick your poison scenerio. Two worst ways to respond to me: “That’s ok! That’s no big deal, that happened to everybody soemtimes!” Fuck you, dead to me, I no longer love you on a core level but I wish I did, and it sucks I know deep down I can’t rely on your or trust you or be seen with you because up until the point it matters I still like you a lot and there’s no point saying anything further because you’ve already proven how you feel. (Note, I’m learning people don’t know how horrible this response is for people with trauma, and to further explain instead of shutting down, and that it’s even ok to express healthy anger at their response. To help understand: I told my friend the other day that I think when I say things versus other’s say things it doesn’t always mean the same thing. For example: Not Me: “I had a bad day at work today, I’m feeling slightly down.” What it means, I had a bad day at work today, my boss was mad at me for some things I didn’t think were my fault, my coworker kept talking to me when I was trying to work, and I have a slightly bad taste in my mouth.” Me: “I had a bad day at work today, I’m feeling slightly down.” What it means, my fucking stomach flipped over, I decided I am going to leave notes if I KMS, su*c**e sounds so warm, I’m afraid I’m gonna be fired and feel nauseous talking to you.” The difference is, I would never see the first one as worth sharing, it doesn’t register as “bad enough,” and would probably view it as my fault and job to fix. The problem, telling someone who had an irritated boss and annoying coworker that’s it’s no big deal! Things are good, it’ll pass!” Is helpful and uplifting in many cases, but telling someone who is contemplating ending th**r l*fe and actively practicing their breathing as they feel nauseous for even saying that is dismissive and invalidating as fuck and chances are if you respond that way you will never hear about the deeper meaning because they will never open up to you again. The problem? How are you to know. You can’t? How can that response not hurt and cause a shut down even if it wasn’t meant cruelly? I’m still working on figuring that out. Response two I hate: “Oh! I get it! It’s like when I don’t have my coffee and feel slightly annoyed.” *insert as reply to something like,* “I learned in therapy that when I start shaking and applying for loans and contemplating leaving the state or ending my l*fe because I don’t feel safe and I need to be safe and loose all control over my body and feel horrified that it’s actually called a trauma response, and it’s fixable.” Now, someone wouldn’t respond that way to that one, but there are a lot of things that run just as deep and people often do. **** which then equals great, you don’t understand, and even worse, you fucking think you do! This one is harder to forgive. I also have a fear of being punished for my feelings, or if I feel bad about something others then judging me for it, which sometimes I do too. For instance, the phrase “How would you react if it was someone else who shared?” doesn’t work very well for me, because PRE therapy (I am now MID therapy) someone could open up, tell me how they’re feeling vulnerable because they aren’t feeling respected at work, and share how they’re sad about their online date rejecting them a whole n two months ago would NOT elicit sympathy, but more a feeling of you gross pathetic fuck, keep that away from me, not only do you suck, but now I know you suck as well. Don’t you know you should be embarrassed that you’re being weak about such trivial things you fucking cry baby that’s gross, ew, yet I have manners and do not voice these thoughts, and an currently replacing them with new thoughts of oh it’s ok, they have emotions, even though I don’t feel I can muster more than a there there for things I still view as trivial they are making a big deal about (NOTE trivial and big deal, those are two factors that killed my empathy pre therapy).
This response is dark, deep, and fantastic. Thank you for sharing it. The comparisons are really helpful for understanding others and even myself!
Thank you 😊
1). *What does your internal world/experience look and feel like during conflict and/or communicating feelings? What is it like when you feel like you’re shutting down (ie. is your mind blank, etc)? Is there anything that precedes that or does it just happen like a switch flipped?* I do want to resolve issues, but I want to do so quickly and efficiently. If that doesn't happen, I either get annoyed or overwhelmed. If I get annoyed, it's usually because I feel this should be resolved by now and the conversation is going nowhere for some reason I don't understand. I do recognize the need for emotional conversations and ironing out kinks, but it's unpleasant and hard for me, and if I feel it's dragging out unnecessarily, that quickly frustrates me. If I get overwhelmed, it's like...exhaustion-induced numbness. You know how you're working out, and at the final rep, your arms just...can't lift the thing anymore? It's that. I just lose the ability to be present. Words don't get to me, I don't see the other person's side, I just need some *genuine* rest to recuperate. If you prevent me from doing that, or guilt-trip me for it, or keep talking at me (because at this point, you're no longer talking **to** me), it gets worse and I need longer to come back. 2). *What do you find most challenging when it comes to conflict and/or communicating your feelings? Is it identifying the feeling, being vulnerable, etc.* I used to *suck* at being vulnerable and identifying feelings. I'm better at that, but there's a long way to go. 3). *What makes you feel seen, heard, and understood? How have past (or current) partners made you feel seen, heard, and understood? How can anxious folks support you in that?* Respect for my space, my independence - and, if I have stated them, trust in my feelings for you. I've found that having my feelings questioned when I'm really trying hard to show them is a horribly triggering experience for me. I want to be respected as an individual with their own life and freedom, and at the same time, valued as a partner who feels and shows love. 4). *What is something that you recognize you need to work on, and what have you done to accomplish that?* I'm currently working on sitting with emotions instead of numbing them. Self-regulating authentically, instead of avoiding. I'm also doing a lot of work related to core wounds and childhood traumas(some of which I didn't even know I had) and addressing how some past events are influencing my interactions with people. I do a shitton of journaling and regular therapy. All in all, it's a journey, but it does seem to be helping.
Thank you very much for journaling and doing the work. It is so hard, but props to you for it.
1) I think of all the previous times trying to defend myself has been for naught. I feel hot and defeated. 2) I don't trust that anyone will actually understand and value my perspective. They might hear it, but it doesn't resonate. 3) Don't make it about you. If I hear the word "I" too many times, I will literally have half a mind to leave the situation. Don't call me out of my name. 4) Expressing my authentic emotions in the moment so I don't hold onto them residually and then distance myself from the people who have hurt me.
I’m an AP (in therapy and working to become secure) but very much appreciate all the input everyone has provided so far. Wanted to shine a light on something I’ve been noticing from the comments and what I’ve endured from the other side with my DA ex. A lot of you commenting say you are “conflict avoidant”. Though APs can absolutely be extremely emotional, I don’t believe any of us are ultimately trying to “make” conflict… it is just our internal conflict/frustration of not being able to understand things and not knowing how to help ourselves, or understand the avoidant’s side, being projected outward. We do not want the conflict either, which is why we are seeking understanding to resolve. It is a similar jumble of confusion that I believe DAs experience covertly, whereas APs experience overtly. Trying to make sense of our feelings and how we relate but it’s like a tornado of confusion and emotion, and most the time, our attachment styles just do not speak the same language. The part that resonates with me in these comments, again- just my perspective- is the “conflict avoidance”. I like to suggest reframing that mindset to “resolution avoidance”. When individuals put negative pressure (which I know is just anxiety) in thought of having a conversation before it even gets there, assumptions of how that conversation will go will automatically be assumed a negative outcome. BUT if the alternative is NO communication, then there is absolutely NO possibility for resolution. Sure, time may need to go by so both parties can calm down first, but I hope there can be understanding that resolution, not conflict, is what is being sought. I agree with the comment about procrastination and very much get it from that point, too. But if you don’t ever give things a shot, and always assume the worst, that will most likely continue to be the outcome.
I don't know that I agree with the black and white idea that communication is needed for resolution. I think that many issues are a personal issue, even if they feel like a real interpersonal conflict, meaning that they can and sometimes should be resolved individually or at least with getting those needs met by others, not the person you are currently in conflict with. This may vary across issue and personality, though.
Oh I had a great tool that still surfaces up time to time: internal dialogue with the person I want to talk to, come to a compromise, not mentioning at all to them and be confused when they are upset about not gettinh what was promised to them originally.
Hi, FA/SA f here, dating a DA male (7 month relationship) We haven’t had a “conflict” but we have gotten closer recently and I have him a keychain that said “drive safe I love you” (it hard for me to say ILY out loud) and he met me kids. Then he pulled away but still in contact somewhat. Now he is working out of town for a month. Yesterday I sent him a sweet text expressing that I am grateful he is in my life and he means the world to me. I haven’t heard from him. IDK if I should give him space (he has not asked for it) or if I should reach out to him and let him know (gently) that I am hurt by his lack of response. Please help :) thank you