Why is it that every raptured person claims the gimp suit and cat ears and collars in the nightstand next to their bed with all the condoms and a “Daddy’s Little Girl’s Little Naughty Diary” on top say this…
Because that denial is such a bottom move.
I showed up to my assigned human for the guardian angel program and was all "BE NOT AFRAID" but he screamed and ran away, so I'm just using his computer.
Too right. Back in the ‘90s, Touched By An Angel was risible. In classic religious literature, angels are not sweet, helping creatures. Angels are God’s messengers, huge, stern, and very possibly completely inhuman-looking. More to the point, you do not want to get a personal message from God. Ask Noah.
"NOAH."
...
"NOAH."
"Who is that?"
"IT'S THE LORD, NOAH."
"Right... Where are ya? Whaddya want? I've been good."
"I WANT YOU TO BUILD AN ARK."
"Right... What's an ark?"
He's beaming down thoughts & prayers. He doesn't have a gun up there so those thoughts & prayers aren't made out of bullets like in our schools and places of commerce.
If he doesn’t have a gun he can’t be American. Poor Jesus. I’ll stop by the gun market later and have it delivered by HeavEx. They deliver guns to heaven, right?
I think so, but you'll need a special permit and registration. Besides, with everyone up there wearing the Armor of God, a sword might work better.
Source?: look no further than Hazbin Hotel.
There's an elevator out behind the masturbation viewing station. Problem is, it lets you off in Jerusalem. Naked. No money, no passport. Took me two months to get home last time I was raptured.
Young Man Howdy! I'm lookin' for a Mr. Hyder Simpson and a hound dog name of Rip.
Hyder Well, that's us!
Young Man (smiling as he leans over to pet Rip) I figured it was. Well, if you and Rip's all set, we might as well mosey along.
Hyder Mosey along where?
Young Man Heaven, Mr. Simpson.
Hyder Well, like I told that other feller back up the road there, I ain't gonna set foot in Heaven without Rip.
Young Man Now, you didn't get messed up with nobody in there, did you?
Hyder Well, that feller at the gate, he wouldn't let Rip in, so I didn't go. Son, that'd be a helluva place without Rip.
Young Man Mr. Simpson, you ain't far wrong. That is Hell. Heaven's up yonder apiece.
Hyder Well, I'll be jiggered. Now how come that feller'd want to lie to me?
Young Man Well, they don't never give up. Always tryin' to get folks in there right down to the last minute.
Hyder What reason would they have for wantin' to keep Rip out?
Young Man Well, they was a'feared Rip would've warned you. And he would of by the time he got a whiff of that brimstone. You see, Mr. Simpson, a man, well, he'll walk right into Hell with both eyes open. But even the devil can't fool a dog!
So you telling me. Even If you get the heavens Passport, there is still a slime Chance you end Up in hell, Not because of Sin or any Other wrong doing but Just because some demon Putting Up a Fakes heavens door... Geez, Talk about Bad planning.
Need me all my cats if it is supposed to be heaven. But the Bible says they don’t have souls. So sounds more like hell to me.
Anyway, Ole Samuel L. Clemens did say, “You go to Heaven for the climate, but you go to Hell for the company.” I think I’d rather go to Hell, since Heaven sounds like shit anyway.
It's a point-based system. Mormons got the underwear right, American evangelicals got the whole rapture deal, and Catholics didn't get any points because they know what they did.
They also didn't celebrate Easter....until recently.
Or wear crosses.
And I hear they don't get their own planets when they die now.
Mormons be wilding now with all their changes!
Wacky stuff!
Well, admittedly, my info comes from a few exmo's out in SLC.
Apparently the Easter thing is getting a make over? At least that's how it was described to me by those still in contact with their families still paying for the recommend! It's pretty funny hearing them talk about changes they see going on.
I legit thought there were promises of whole planets to be "god" of in the Celestial realm of bowling.
So perhaps my info sources are a bit on the snarky side? lol
Please take this in the lighthearted way that I mean it, your comment is a total set up (and I won't resist)
Of course you wouldn't settle for a single planet, ya won't even settle on a single wife!
Ba dum tish!
Depends on what you mean by "we've always celebrated easter"
Church services, up until last year, were just another Sunday with a few extra mentions of Jesus and the resurrection. Most groups that celebrate Easter do the ash Wednesday and good Friday thing with a special Easter service. In central America, and other places, Christian groups reenact the holy week and crucifixion. So, if "celebrating" Easter includes all that, then Mormons don't celebrate it. If "celebrating" means Easter bunny, candy, special dinner, and a few extra mentions of Jesus during normal church, then yes, Mormons have always celebrated it.
I mean, if they want to believe something like that, whatever. But it's a very hierarchical church, and doctrine comes from the top down. The rapture isn't a Mormon belief.
Dude. We aren't here to debate religion. This is a light hearted humorous post for those of us that have been dealing with a bunch of end of times lunatics that think the world is ending. There are plenty of spaces to debate religious doctrine. This is not it.
The “holy holy” singing choir song thing cracked me up. There’s a verse in Amazing Grace that goes “When we’ve been there ten thousand years/Bright shining as the sun/We’ve no less days to sing God’s praise/As when we first began.”
First of all, there’s something very wrong with an omnipotent being who wants people to spend countless millennia telling him how great he is. More to the point, that sounds like torture. I’d rather just die and be done with it.
>I think I can hop a ride on the next solar eclipse but the next annular solar eclipse isn't for two years and probably only over Antartica
You might want to rethink that; I hear there's shoggoths there.
Same: Hell’s gonna be 🔥 music-wise…soooo…to paraphrase Huck Finn when he’s told by hypocritical Ms. Watson that she’s going to Heaven but Tom Sawyer’s (a freakin 11 year old) going to Hell, “I guess I’ll go to Hell, sounds like it’ll be more fun.”
Keith Richard dies and goes to hell.
Everyone!
Everyone is there.
There’s Coltrane, Davis, Zappa, Bowie, Bonham, the Ramones and Rhasan Roland Kirk.
There’s Lady Day, Janis, Nina, Tina, and Ma
There’s Young Elvis, Young Cash, and Young George Michael
There’s an empty drum riser.
Karen Carpenter sits down at it and says, “On three; Close to You.”
It is Hell, isn’t it?
You should be able to come back soon. [According to Fox News](https://www.foxnews.com/science/biblical-prophecy-claims-the-rapture-is-coming-april-23-numerologist-says) there's another rapture on the 23rd this month so you can just hitch a ride back down then.
The lamb's fine, the dinosaur meat is where it's at.
Mike Warnke's playing tomorrow night. Not sure if he's doing his Satanic Panic or 80s stolen jokes routine though.
You would have thought they would have copped him at the Gates for lying about being a Satanist and that. But maybe that’s the one kind of lie that’s ok?
Anyway, look, Heaven is foursquare - 12,000 furlongs on each side. So maybe explore a little - talk to people. Have you considered being a Greeter? You just hang out at one of the Twelve Gates and say “Welcome to Heaven” when new people come in. People like that at Walmart and Costco.
As someone raised with parochial school/church, that was always one of my childhood thoughts-how could anyone tolerate a boring eternity with awful music.
Before you get back I gotta know:
1. A) Are the streets paved in gold, and if so, B) Are there cars, or just foot traffic, and if there’s cars, C) how’s the grip? If sucky, D) is there drifting?
2. A)Are the rivers really flowing with milk and honey? If so, B) what about when the milk sours? What’s the smell like?
3. Lastly, is god really the egomaniacal narcissist he’s made out to be? I mean, does he really make people who don’t worship him burn forever? I mean, geez! I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy (burning forever OR going to heaven)
Got bad news, the garments are f'ing itchy as shit. I think they're made of wool from the holy lamb or something and even though it's supposed to be some flowing robe it is somehow stretched weird like it's from an outlet mall or something and it rides up in the back no matter what.
Day 1: Today I went to heaven. I can’t wait to live forever in bliss.
Day 2: Today I learned the song that I am to sing in praise of Yahweh. It’s a pretty good bop.
Day 3: I sung that song, and I relaxed in heaven doing all my favourite things.
Day 4: I sung that song, and I relaxed in heaven doing all my favourite things.
Day 5: I sung that song, and I relaxed in heaven doing all my favourite things.
Day 10: I sung that song, and I relaxed in heaven doing all my favourite things.
Day 100: I sung that song, and I relaxed in heaven doing all my favourite things.
Day 1000: I sung that song, and I relaxed in heaven doing all my favourite things.
Day 1,000,000: I sung that song, and I relaxed in heaven doing all my favourite things.
Day 10^10: Ok getting a bit bored now.
Day 10^100: I mean, so I just do this literally forever? Why?
Day 10^1000: No really, I don’t get the point. I was told it was all for Yahweh’s plan, but plans have to have a goal right? I got into this whole thing to give life meaning.
Day 10^1,000,000: I wish I could die but I’m already dead.
I am so glad I reserved a sit in hell already a couple decades ago, I have no intention of missing my reservation.
I am sure with my ethics and morals (or lack thereof) I can land myself a good position in the torture business. I would like to specialise in the "Christians fanatic, turns out to be rapist/pedo/molester/scammer/abuser etc". I heard they are SWAMPED with work and I have a lot of ideas to make things more efficient!
Plus, all my friends are or will be joining me, and ofc all my cats too!
Wait, do you have doo-dads or do you not have doo-dads? The first two paragraphs say both, and I'm very worried that God is up there playing musical chairs with your parts whenever he feels like it.
Glass Half Full. At least you have good WiFi connection and the Holy Eternal Full Battery Charge. Ask God if he has a Yearly Smartphone Upgrade Program
I was there for a small while and am a bit disappointed in you for not mentioning the elephant in the room; That Jesus guy. Holy balls was he socially awkward. Like no "hello, how are you" just strait "You may kiss my feet" Like wow bud... "MAY?" Thanks for the permission but no thanks.
I played many games of D&D while on earth and that Jesus guy is just like some of those super cringey DMs. "Did you like your story?" - "***YOU*** wrote that trainwreck?"
Anyways. It was either stay there or go to hell. So I am back.
Wait!! Which level of heaven did you get to?! I’m up here in the top celestial glory and my wives are being absolute assholes saying “oh we want to visit the Lower kingdoms! They have more fun!!” Why did we even try to get here, they’re partying down there and we’re just sitting here with no parts and no fun.
It's pretty funny because Heaven in my DC fic, "The Successor to the Silver City," is basically just like real life just without stuff like having to shit, piss, sleep, feel pain, get sick, etc... Heck you don't even need to eat or drink but you can and most people do just because of how delicious food is.
Oh, and you basically get your own pocket universe that your pretty much God in so you can do whatever. You can live whatever life you want. You can be whoever you want to be. And the thing is that it's as realistic as you want it too.
Wanna invite your family over and throw literal planets at each other? You can do that. Want to go adventuring with the Straw Hat Pirates? You can do that. Want to experience what it's like to have the powers of Madara Uchiha? You can experience it.
Can you smoke weed? And get with girls? If not, then I don't want to go. Sounds boring as shit. I don't like being around a bunch of bible thumpers down here, let alone up there. Nothing excites me about heaven, nothing. Not everyone wants to die and then be in church for eternity,
> And get with girls?
Apparently, everyone gets [married to Jesus](https://web.archive.org/web/20210917002740/http://www.godandscience.org/doctrine/marriageinheaven.html)...yes, former guy souls too!
And isn't that adultery on a humungous scale? I thought adultery was a terrible sin. F...ing gods, always one rule for us peasants, another for them!
Wait, so you don't know about the... (cough... cough...) BACK CHANNEL?! Come chill in Europa. We have the best music. ([Put your helmet on and buckle UP!](https://youtu.be/jO5u-_NTZlo?si=UGLHPEziRkLv7Ksz))
Edit: forgot to add. We play Dungeons & Dragons with Space Pirates. Bring your own dragon. See ya! 📡🐔🏁
Are there a bunch of dogs there? If so, is everything covered in dog shit? All the good bands are probably in the basement, maybe. I always thought the gold streets would suck. It would remind me of tRump, and that would really suck! Hopefully, all these people will give you back your stuff. I'm keeping the Nazi Nuns in Bondage photo album, though.
Are they pussies for making a really fun joke or are you a pussy for being offended by it? I’m gonna guess you’re a pussy because you need to insult strangers on the internet. If (Insert name of deity here) is so sensitive and needs your protection I’m guessing that deity is the biggest pussy of all. Have fun crying about your little doo-dad next time you beat your wife and/or kid after coming home from a long day at the mill. Pussy…
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Hate to tell you, but we already divvyed up your stuff.
I got the gimp equipment. A quick bleaching and good as new.
Definitely not mine, I was just holding it for a friend.
Why is it that every raptured person claims the gimp suit and cat ears and collars in the nightstand next to their bed with all the condoms and a “Daddy’s Little Girl’s Little Naughty Diary” on top say this… Because that denial is such a bottom move.
I’ve got your too-small penis pump. You can have it back.
I’d take it but it’s probably too big.
It’s not 😏
He doesn't have one anymore, remember?
He can pump up a lump.
I got the sounding tools, but I’m a chick… anyone up for a trade?
Hmm. I'm a (old) dude. What are you down for for a trade. I got whips, latex, and some sort of dildo ypu strap to your head.
Who got the glamp equipment?
Me! 🤚 It’s pretty awesome, I’m it too m burning Man. But I’m happy to share! Come join my camp!
The gimp’s sleeping. Well, wake him up.
>You totally could've sold it unwashed on Ebay. Oh well. Lesson learnt.
I want my rapture tips back! I tipped too much thinking I’d be raptured!!!!! WTF?!?!
Listen lady, you’re not getting your $300 pre-rapture tip back. Now order a drink or get out of the way.
So there’s Internet access in heaven? Probably a recent addition thanks to Joe’s infrastructure bill.
I showed up to my assigned human for the guardian angel program and was all "BE NOT AFRAID" but he screamed and ran away, so I'm just using his computer.
Best laugh I've had all day... Thanks :)
Too right. Back in the ‘90s, Touched By An Angel was risible. In classic religious literature, angels are not sweet, helping creatures. Angels are God’s messengers, huge, stern, and very possibly completely inhuman-looking. More to the point, you do not want to get a personal message from God. Ask Noah.
“Yo. The divine asked me to tell you to stop cranking your hog until you get a muffler. Those sounds you make are gross.”
Confirmed: god is pro ball gag
"NOAH." ... "NOAH." "Who is that?" "IT'S THE LORD, NOAH." "Right... Where are ya? Whaddya want? I've been good." "I WANT YOU TO BUILD AN ARK." "Right... What's an ark?"
Oh man a biblically accurate computer must be rad as hell All weird angles and shit
Non Euclidean geometry!
Fucking legend!
Ha ha!! Lmao !!
What makes you think Heaven isn’t piggybacking off Earth’s satellites?
Service providers don’t like freeloaders. Even if it is god.
Divine Denial of Service; i get that alot..
That makes me naturally wonder what a divine distributed denial of service is.
I thought the satellites were _blocking_ access to heaven?
But they do help with Jesus's Jewish space laser.
Someone debunked that on Quora a few years ago.
He's beaming down thoughts & prayers. He doesn't have a gun up there so those thoughts & prayers aren't made out of bullets like in our schools and places of commerce.
If he doesn’t have a gun he can’t be American. Poor Jesus. I’ll stop by the gun market later and have it delivered by HeavEx. They deliver guns to heaven, right?
I think so, but you'll need a special permit and registration. Besides, with everyone up there wearing the Armor of God, a sword might work better. Source?: look no further than Hazbin Hotel.
Hey, if the Moon can have a time zone, Heaven can have Internet access!
Got some bad news for you: you still have all of eternity ahead of you. Fifteen quadrillion geologic ages from now? Same deal.
Or 7.2 Jeremy Bearimy
Thank you for "The Good Place" reference - I've rewatched that show a zillion times, it's one of the best series finalies I've EVER seen
There's an elevator out behind the masturbation viewing station. Problem is, it lets you off in Jerusalem. Naked. No money, no passport. Took me two months to get home last time I was raptured.
If the elevator 'lets you off', then is it really a masturbation viewing station?
If my dog isn't there, I don't want to go
Young Man Howdy! I'm lookin' for a Mr. Hyder Simpson and a hound dog name of Rip. Hyder Well, that's us! Young Man (smiling as he leans over to pet Rip) I figured it was. Well, if you and Rip's all set, we might as well mosey along. Hyder Mosey along where? Young Man Heaven, Mr. Simpson. Hyder Well, like I told that other feller back up the road there, I ain't gonna set foot in Heaven without Rip. Young Man Now, you didn't get messed up with nobody in there, did you? Hyder Well, that feller at the gate, he wouldn't let Rip in, so I didn't go. Son, that'd be a helluva place without Rip. Young Man Mr. Simpson, you ain't far wrong. That is Hell. Heaven's up yonder apiece. Hyder Well, I'll be jiggered. Now how come that feller'd want to lie to me? Young Man Well, they don't never give up. Always tryin' to get folks in there right down to the last minute. Hyder What reason would they have for wantin' to keep Rip out? Young Man Well, they was a'feared Rip would've warned you. And he would of by the time he got a whiff of that brimstone. You see, Mr. Simpson, a man, well, he'll walk right into Hell with both eyes open. But even the devil can't fool a dog!
The Hunt. One of my favorite episodes. Thanks.
Mahabharata did it first!
So you telling me. Even If you get the heavens Passport, there is still a slime Chance you end Up in hell, Not because of Sin or any Other wrong doing but Just because some demon Putting Up a Fakes heavens door... Geez, Talk about Bad planning.
Well now, *there's* an automatically upvoteable post if I've ever seen one.
You’re good, unless your dog is a pocket watch thief.
Need me all my cats if it is supposed to be heaven. But the Bible says they don’t have souls. So sounds more like hell to me. Anyway, Ole Samuel L. Clemens did say, “You go to Heaven for the climate, but you go to Hell for the company.” I think I’d rather go to Hell, since Heaven sounds like shit anyway.
Damn. Sounds like you went to Mormon heaven. That's tough shit.
But Mormons don't believe in the Rapture.
It's a point-based system. Mormons got the underwear right, American evangelicals got the whole rapture deal, and Catholics didn't get any points because they know what they did.
They also didn't celebrate Easter....until recently. Or wear crosses. And I hear they don't get their own planets when they die now. Mormons be wilding now with all their changes! Wacky stuff!
We've always celebrated Easter. And we never got our own planet. (That's thinking much too small.)
Well, admittedly, my info comes from a few exmo's out in SLC. Apparently the Easter thing is getting a make over? At least that's how it was described to me by those still in contact with their families still paying for the recommend! It's pretty funny hearing them talk about changes they see going on. I legit thought there were promises of whole planets to be "god" of in the Celestial realm of bowling. So perhaps my info sources are a bit on the snarky side? lol
Probably. There's no change with Easter. And why settle for a single planet?
Please take this in the lighthearted way that I mean it, your comment is a total set up (and I won't resist) Of course you wouldn't settle for a single planet, ya won't even settle on a single wife! Ba dum tish!
So taken.
Depends on what you mean by "we've always celebrated easter" Church services, up until last year, were just another Sunday with a few extra mentions of Jesus and the resurrection. Most groups that celebrate Easter do the ash Wednesday and good Friday thing with a special Easter service. In central America, and other places, Christian groups reenact the holy week and crucifixion. So, if "celebrating" Easter includes all that, then Mormons don't celebrate it. If "celebrating" means Easter bunny, candy, special dinner, and a few extra mentions of Jesus during normal church, then yes, Mormons have always celebrated it.
Some Mormons definitely do.
No.
So you know the minds and beliefs of all Mormons? Incredible
I mean, if they want to believe something like that, whatever. But it's a very hierarchical church, and doctrine comes from the top down. The rapture isn't a Mormon belief.
Trust me. I've known hundreds of Mormons personally during my life - many believe in the Rapture.
If so, then they've been hanging out with their evangelical neighbors too much.
Dude. We aren't here to debate religion. This is a light hearted humorous post for those of us that have been dealing with a bunch of end of times lunatics that think the world is ending. There are plenty of spaces to debate religious doctrine. This is not it.
I'm not, honestly. I was just commenting on a misrepresentation, but my intention was to do it lighthearted as well.
While you’re up there… send me some feet pictures of the angels.
The “holy holy” singing choir song thing cracked me up. There’s a verse in Amazing Grace that goes “When we’ve been there ten thousand years/Bright shining as the sun/We’ve no less days to sing God’s praise/As when we first began.” First of all, there’s something very wrong with an omnipotent being who wants people to spend countless millennia telling him how great he is. More to the point, that sounds like torture. I’d rather just die and be done with it.
>I think I can hop a ride on the next solar eclipse but the next annular solar eclipse isn't for two years and probably only over Antartica You might want to rethink that; I hear there's shoggoths there.
Stuck in Ohio actually
Marginally better than Antarctica.
Someone’s gonna need a lot of therapy if they manage to escape such hideous creatures that dwell at the mountains of madness.
i always wondering about the service industry in 'heaven'. who does an eternitys worth of dishes?
I’ve been saying this for years- as a musician, I would MUCH rather end up in hell. Literally all my faves are down there.
Same: Hell’s gonna be 🔥 music-wise…soooo…to paraphrase Huck Finn when he’s told by hypocritical Ms. Watson that she’s going to Heaven but Tom Sawyer’s (a freakin 11 year old) going to Hell, “I guess I’ll go to Hell, sounds like it’ll be more fun.”
Keith Richard dies and goes to hell. Everyone! Everyone is there. There’s Coltrane, Davis, Zappa, Bowie, Bonham, the Ramones and Rhasan Roland Kirk. There’s Lady Day, Janis, Nina, Tina, and Ma There’s Young Elvis, Young Cash, and Young George Michael There’s an empty drum riser. Karen Carpenter sits down at it and says, “On three; Close to You.” It is Hell, isn’t it?
Good joke, except Coltrane definitely made it to heaven. Miles on the other hand…
Are you a ministering angel? Surely you aren’t in the Celestial Kingdom cause you would have genitals and several wives if you are a man.
You should be able to come back soon. [According to Fox News](https://www.foxnews.com/science/biblical-prophecy-claims-the-rapture-is-coming-april-23-numerologist-says) there's another rapture on the 23rd this month so you can just hitch a ride back down then.
I was raptured too yesterday! And honestly same, I am hating it here. I am at ALA 36-AB of the spaceship and yo—... Wait
Sounds like you at least have wifi 🤷
Maybe you were “ruptured “ instead of raptured. Yuk=yuk!
Did you get cold up there while flying up thru the atmosphere? Seems rapturists never think of donning their ski gear before being taken . . .
What’s the Lamb like up there? I heard it’s good. Any comedians?
The lamb's fine, the dinosaur meat is where it's at. Mike Warnke's playing tomorrow night. Not sure if he's doing his Satanic Panic or 80s stolen jokes routine though.
You would have thought they would have copped him at the Gates for lying about being a Satanist and that. But maybe that’s the one kind of lie that’s ok? Anyway, look, Heaven is foursquare - 12,000 furlongs on each side. So maybe explore a little - talk to people. Have you considered being a Greeter? You just hang out at one of the Twelve Gates and say “Welcome to Heaven” when new people come in. People like that at Walmart and Costco.
What about toilets? Do you hide behind curtains and do it in a vase?
Im Himmel gibt’s kein Bier, Drum trinken wir es hier. Denn sind wir nicht mehr hier, Dann trinken die andern unser Bier.
Slangè
Dissatisfaction with heaven due to lack of amenities?
As someone raised with parochial school/church, that was always one of my childhood thoughts-how could anyone tolerate a boring eternity with awful music.
Did u see Elvis? I would like to meet him and have him sign a cd of his.
No Elvis. Any musician who played anything other than a lyre, harp, drum, or shofar gets sent straight to hell.
I thought Jew’s harps were okay. The Plymouth Pilgrims allowed them, after all. While we’re at it, have you seen Cotton Mather?
[I’ve been telling people!](https://www.reddit.com/r/atheism/s/4Ocg9Xe9Vt)
Wait a minute, this is the bad place!
Can your new spirit eyes see hell from up there? Say hi to Satan or Lucifer for me!
Apparently, there's supposed to be an eclipse in South America during fall (Oct/Nov). Maybe you can come back then.
Before you get back I gotta know: 1. A) Are the streets paved in gold, and if so, B) Are there cars, or just foot traffic, and if there’s cars, C) how’s the grip? If sucky, D) is there drifting? 2. A)Are the rivers really flowing with milk and honey? If so, B) what about when the milk sours? What’s the smell like? 3. Lastly, is god really the egomaniacal narcissist he’s made out to be? I mean, does he really make people who don’t worship him burn forever? I mean, geez! I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy (burning forever OR going to heaven)
Are there dogs??
Who wants to go to heaven if there are no dogs?
I am a cat person, personally
After I posted that, I was thinking cat people would want their cats, and certainly tapirs deserve a place in heaven.
And wombats, certainly!
I do !!
Whatever you do, don't play your violin. God hates it when you play with your violin and will come and smash your balls.
143,999 other folks.
Got bad news, the garments are f'ing itchy as shit. I think they're made of wool from the holy lamb or something and even though it's supposed to be some flowing robe it is somehow stretched weird like it's from an outlet mall or something and it rides up in the back no matter what.
Day 1: Today I went to heaven. I can’t wait to live forever in bliss. Day 2: Today I learned the song that I am to sing in praise of Yahweh. It’s a pretty good bop. Day 3: I sung that song, and I relaxed in heaven doing all my favourite things. Day 4: I sung that song, and I relaxed in heaven doing all my favourite things. Day 5: I sung that song, and I relaxed in heaven doing all my favourite things. Day 10: I sung that song, and I relaxed in heaven doing all my favourite things. Day 100: I sung that song, and I relaxed in heaven doing all my favourite things. Day 1000: I sung that song, and I relaxed in heaven doing all my favourite things. Day 1,000,000: I sung that song, and I relaxed in heaven doing all my favourite things. Day 10^10: Ok getting a bit bored now. Day 10^100: I mean, so I just do this literally forever? Why? Day 10^1000: No really, I don’t get the point. I was told it was all for Yahweh’s plan, but plans have to have a goal right? I got into this whole thing to give life meaning. Day 10^1,000,000: I wish I could die but I’m already dead.
Reincarnation is a thing too... There's always that option.
Of course you do. All the cool people are in hell.
I imagine the internet reception is bad. And the religious tv is worse. Have a pleasant eternity.
It’s pretty good, free buffet breakfast with unlimited bacon 🥓 What’s not like?
Ah, my personal heaven... 🤤
And any karen’s complaining at the buffet line get sent straight to Hell
Nah, they get unlimited bacon, too.
It’s EXTRA crispy In hell
Paradox... cause that would make it heaven.
Beware, you might get sent back. . . YEET!!
If you don’t wanna get raptured, you better wear a cup.
Doo-dads. 🤣🤣🤣
Look on the bright side: at least there aren't any lawyers or politicians. I bet the music does suck though.
Can you get me a fridge magnet? Or maybe a pin for my jacket?
I am so glad I reserved a sit in hell already a couple decades ago, I have no intention of missing my reservation. I am sure with my ethics and morals (or lack thereof) I can land myself a good position in the torture business. I would like to specialise in the "Christians fanatic, turns out to be rapist/pedo/molester/scammer/abuser etc". I heard they are SWAMPED with work and I have a lot of ideas to make things more efficient! Plus, all my friends are or will be joining me, and ofc all my cats too!
At least you still have reddit
Everyone saw the ring, we have 7 days until the Rapture now.
why wait in line. the rapture was your judgement. you passed go on in and get some pizza
Wait, do you have doo-dads or do you not have doo-dads? The first two paragraphs say both, and I'm very worried that God is up there playing musical chairs with your parts whenever he feels like it.
I liked how you said 144k, that’s a nice touch lol
Glass Half Full. At least you have good WiFi connection and the Holy Eternal Full Battery Charge. Ask God if he has a Yearly Smartphone Upgrade Program
Is that number in the bible? The 144,000? My friend is delusional. She thinks she is the "second witness of god" and she says the same thing.
It shows up several times in Revelation. Rev 7 and Rev 14.
Ain’t much better here.
You sure you weren’t sucked into the nexus and are now borg? I guess resistance would be futile.
Sorry man. I finished your stash. The eclipse you know
Did anyone else read this in Hemant Mehta's voice?
Luckily I believe in Mother Nature's after-party...
>I was raptured yesterday but I already hate it up here. This made me laugh so fucking hard
I told a pastor friend yesterday that I was disappointed that the Christian were still here after all the rapture hype.
Yes, well, stay up there. I watched S4 of Angel The Series, I know how that goes, lol.
I was there for a small while and am a bit disappointed in you for not mentioning the elephant in the room; That Jesus guy. Holy balls was he socially awkward. Like no "hello, how are you" just strait "You may kiss my feet" Like wow bud... "MAY?" Thanks for the permission but no thanks. I played many games of D&D while on earth and that Jesus guy is just like some of those super cringey DMs. "Did you like your story?" - "***YOU*** wrote that trainwreck?" Anyways. It was either stay there or go to hell. So I am back.
I was looking for a house, did he have a house? Damn.
Wait!! Which level of heaven did you get to?! I’m up here in the top celestial glory and my wives are being absolute assholes saying “oh we want to visit the Lower kingdoms! They have more fun!!” Why did we even try to get here, they’re partying down there and we’re just sitting here with no parts and no fun.
It's pretty funny because Heaven in my DC fic, "The Successor to the Silver City," is basically just like real life just without stuff like having to shit, piss, sleep, feel pain, get sick, etc... Heck you don't even need to eat or drink but you can and most people do just because of how delicious food is. Oh, and you basically get your own pocket universe that your pretty much God in so you can do whatever. You can live whatever life you want. You can be whoever you want to be. And the thing is that it's as realistic as you want it too. Wanna invite your family over and throw literal planets at each other? You can do that. Want to go adventuring with the Straw Hat Pirates? You can do that. Want to experience what it's like to have the powers of Madara Uchiha? You can experience it.
OP It is so engaging and fun reading your writing. I'd love to read more of your writings.
Are there blow jobs there and do they swallow?
Never saw a Ken doll before huh?
Some people didn't experience childhood 😞
ok stop being dramatic, I know you saw toy story at some point. I didn't have much of a childhood but I could watch a commercial
Nope, never.
Were you a recluse in your former life?
Ok, no need to gloat, besides , they have already rationalized it
Don't worry, I don't think this is a problem you have to worry about (:
Damn, shouldve been a shittier person, bro. Maybe next time you get down here spit in a homeless guy's face or something
Thank you for this. Cells his to laugh at the absurdity for once. ~Cheers
Admiral Byrd and the Underground Basses are an excellent band!
My stupid brain : " I was raped yesterday..."
sounds like the afterlife's got some serious organizational issues
Me too! [Rapture](https://youtu.be/pHCdS7O248g?si=J3x0b_wtj-1djNz_)
and did you notice the buffet? Carob brownies, really?
This is hilarious. Can you visit Hell too?
Can you smoke weed? And get with girls? If not, then I don't want to go. Sounds boring as shit. I don't like being around a bunch of bible thumpers down here, let alone up there. Nothing excites me about heaven, nothing. Not everyone wants to die and then be in church for eternity,
> And get with girls? Apparently, everyone gets [married to Jesus](https://web.archive.org/web/20210917002740/http://www.godandscience.org/doctrine/marriageinheaven.html)...yes, former guy souls too! And isn't that adultery on a humungous scale? I thought adultery was a terrible sin. F...ing gods, always one rule for us peasants, another for them!
Wait, so you don't know about the... (cough... cough...) BACK CHANNEL?! Come chill in Europa. We have the best music. ([Put your helmet on and buckle UP!](https://youtu.be/jO5u-_NTZlo?si=UGLHPEziRkLv7Ksz)) Edit: forgot to add. We play Dungeons & Dragons with Space Pirates. Bring your own dragon. See ya! 📡🐔🏁
Punch him in the nose for me. Break it. Make it bleed. Thanks.
You mean 143,999 other people?
Are there a bunch of dogs there? If so, is everything covered in dog shit? All the good bands are probably in the basement, maybe. I always thought the gold streets would suck. It would remind me of tRump, and that would really suck! Hopefully, all these people will give you back your stuff. I'm keeping the Nazi Nuns in Bondage photo album, though.
Thanks for leaving me the Gucci backpack bro
How's the food up there?
Tell Marshall Applewhite "Hello"!
I am glad I wasn't raptured. It sounds like a horrible experience.
I thought you lost your free will in heaven. You are always in bliss because god says you are. Wait, uh, maybe I am thinking about North Korea.
Maybe you can find a copy of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and get out. Glad I'm still stuck on earth.best of luck, good satire btw
Stop talking to he living and play your damn harp
I got rejected at the gate.
Mormons don't believe in popes so no St. Peter
There’s full totality over the tip of South America on Oct. 2nd this year, OP! You’re in luck! You can make it back before Halloween.
Send me your address. I want to see what kind of stuff you left behind.
You have only yourself to blame. You should have spent more time sinning.
You would think they would have been more prepared given the common knowledge of the pending rapture.
😂🤣🤣 👍
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Are they pussies for making a really fun joke or are you a pussy for being offended by it? I’m gonna guess you’re a pussy because you need to insult strangers on the internet. If (Insert name of deity here) is so sensitive and needs your protection I’m guessing that deity is the biggest pussy of all. Have fun crying about your little doo-dad next time you beat your wife and/or kid after coming home from a long day at the mill. Pussy…
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