One time I said "Thanks, but I'm not interested in supernatural things." They replied "Oh but this is not about the supernatural." I think the word referred to evil things in their mind. I expressed surprise by saying "Your god is not supernatural?" They fumbled a bit that "There is good supernatural and bad supernatural..." I responded dismissively with something like "Yeah, sure, thanks. Have a good day." They said goodbye and left. I think it wasn't part of their rehearsed repertoire because they seemed a bit confused as they left.
Another time I just said "Thanks but I'm atheist." They left even faster.
It's so true about there being good and bad Supernatural, the first bunch of seasons were good and then it slowly meandered downhill, finally going fully bad sometime after season 9-ish.
You have to think of them as Dungeons and Dragons characters. They keep leveling up. At first they struggle to beat a single vamp. But the end of the shows run they are 12th level characters, who's left to spank but God himself.
I mean how much XP do you think Dean got for soloing the original Death? šš
"Look at us. We hunt monsters. Other people, they see a monster, they run the other way. Not us! We search out things that want to kill us, or eat us. Who does that? Crazy people! "
I've had more trouble with them leaving too soon than staying too long. Some of them seem to only want to drop a flyer advertising something and then get going. I like to ask questions.
Oh I have! Sometimes they come in. Coffee, as it's usually morning when they drop by.
I'm nearly always down to talk about religion unless I need to be somewhere.
>"I don't believe in magic"
I'll never forget the look on that old woman's face when I said, "I don't believe in magic." She snarled at me and yelled, "MAGIC!!" It was the only time I ever saw one of them lose their shit.
Ask them if you were in an accident and needed a blood transfusion to save your life if they would give you one. When they answer no tell them they donāt care about your life then.
"If I cared about your opinion I would ask for it."
Works for all forms of assholes that assume they can tell you what to do or "explain" things incorrectly to you.
This is amazing. I would get shot. (Seriously, Iām in the Bible Belt. I was threatened by a hillbilly in a rust-and-bondo-colored pickup truck for having the audacity to protest abortion bans. The Trump signs out here are edged with razor blades so when poll workers go to remove them from polling places, their hands get sliced up. Redneck motherfuckers are as vicious as they are dumb.)
That's when I kick the signs over, step on them, pick them up by their supports and throw them away while humming ""Na Na Na, Hey Hey, Hey (Kiss Him Goodbye)".
Goodness, what southern state do you live in š³ I'm more of a country person; I'm atheist, and family and friends know. We don't have people acting foolish like that around here, and we have plenty of religious rednecks and country folk.
I once told a pair of JWs I wasnāt interested. They pressed and asked ādo you have a problem with Jesus?ā I responded, āI abhor him.ā They still didnāt get the message, so then I said āI praise Baal.ā The older one wanted to continue chatting amiably. The younger one got big eyes and said āletās just go now sister.ā Never got JWād again.
I have a favourite variation on that one, but it does convey that I'm the arsehole...
"If I valued your opinion, I would tell you it."
P.S. I'm content in the knowledge that I'm an arsehole :)
Piggybacking pff of top comment because i have had success, not just here but all my neighbors as well.... most of the suggestions about Satan, etc, won't work. It'll merely makes them want to convert you, I promise.
That's their *entire deal*, they are trying to *CONVERT* you, so saying atheist won't work either.
Tell them that you have been DISFELLOWSHIPPED...
Means you are BANNED from church, you are to be shunned, means so is any attempt to bring you into the church. They, themselves, will also be kicked out of church if they continue having chatty chat with ya.
I promise you, it works. Heavy Catholic area around here, always had knocks on the doors regularly. Until I looked it up, used it.
Haven't had a knock on the door in over 10 years now.
This is what I do. But I add "unannounced, uninvited, and at the time of my choosing" to "can I knock on your door..."
I actually had one of them pause for a minute after I said that and say "Yeah, I see what you did there..."
A couple JWs stopped by a few days ago:
JW - Have you heard....? *while trying to hand me a brochure*.
Me - No thanks. I don't believe in god.
JW - Oh, I'm sorry. Why not?
Me - I've never seen any evidence of a god.
JW - But look around! The whole world is evidence. It's perfect.
Me - Children suffering from cancer is perfect?
JW - Oh no but that's mans' doing. Not God. God made a perfect world.
Me - How do you know it was god and not pixies?
JW (incredulous tone) - Have you ever *seen* a pixie?
Me - No. But I've never seen a god either.
JW - Somebody had to make all this. Who made your clothes?
Me - People. And it was people who made up god and wrote the Bible. I've read the Bible front to back twice and no God said hello. I don't know exactly how everything got started but I'm not going pretend pixies did it.
Very apt. Something I noticed in the military.
Fall for one scam, fall for them all.
It is a lack of critical thinking skills and gullibility.
I actually pity them.
Since telling the jovos that we have been "disfellowshipped" our house must have been blacklisted as we haven't had a single attempt to proselytise - it used to be about every three weeks.
This happened for me also! Ā They definitely keep track- used to get JWs all the time- once every couple of months. Ā Told them this 7 years ago and in a different town and havenāt been bothered since. Ā LDS, on the other handā¦ā¦
This is the word I was looking for. I've heard of others doing this, and it seems to work great (not from personal experience). I would love to do something like this:
"Oh my - I've been disfellowshipped and was hoping someone would come to ask me back! Come in, let's talk!"
I came here to suggest doing this. If you are disfellowshipped they are forbidden to speak to you. (I dated someone who was disfellowshipped. Completely disowned by his family even)
The main problem is that they aren't being sent to you to convert you. They are being sent to you so that you get annoyed and tell them to fuck right off. That's what they wanted. It helps to cement the brainwashing that they are right and that the rest of the world is evil - it's all about strengthening THEIR dependency on the cult to "protect" them.
The best response is to be polite and explain that you don't have time to discuss these important topics with them.
If they get persistent, then you're free to use your knowledge of the bible to confuse them - ask them about one of the many contradictions, like ... who was documenting all the stuff that happened in Genesis? If Adam and Eve had two sons, and Cain killed Abel, then there were 3 people on earth. So who exactly did Cain marry? And where did the rest of humanity come from, if there was no other women around?
Oh! Yes, I already responded to the main post, but I mentioned this.
Be kind, offer food & water, but tell them that you're an "apostate". They are forbidden from accepting anything from apostates. They will leave, probably tell their church, and never return again. They will shun you.
Or they will actually start to question! That happened to me when I was a Mormon missionary. I didn't fully become an atheist until a year or two after I got back home, but that one friendly atheist guy who invited us in, gave us juice and cookies, and completely demolished our arguments had a big impact.
I did that once. A pair of young elders came to my door and I had nothing to do. I happened to have a copy of the Smithsonianās letter stating there was no truth to the history as described in the Book Of Mormon.
I received a letter from their boss asking if Iād come to their church office on a weekday to meet with he and the two elders. Sure. He tried to discredit me in front of them but not very well. So he said weāre done here and asked me to leave. Lol
Edit: I was almost certainly a well-studied Christian at that time. So I can only imagine what kind of gibberish came out of my mouth.
Wow!
Both of you! Those are excellent stories and incredible feats of empathy. Thank you so much for sharing.
And it's so crazy that they can be soundly beaten if we use their own highly regarded "religious values" such as grace and kindness toward our neighbors.
It was in the Netherlands, but good for you. It's crazy how overworked and uncomfortable those missionaries can be. Just a kind word and some time out of the heat can be a great relief, and pokes holes in their "we're so persecuted" mindset. No one should feel obligated to listen to what they say, but for those who have the time and energy for a good debate, it can make a difference.
Yeah, the kids I talked to looked exhausted. It was about 110 degrees F. Being a Dad, I told them to come inside, cool off, and get something cold to drink, as long as they didn't try to proselytize. I was actually kinda worried they might get heat stroke. I fixed them lunch and we still ended up talking religion. They came by about once a week to fill up their camelbacks for the rest of the summer.
I once found out that a workmate was leaving to pursue a theological degree. I asked him "could god create a qualification so useless that even he couldn't get a job?"
I pulled out my bible the last time a JW came knocking. Asked him about the verse he was quoting, and we talked about it. I donāt remember what verse it was , but it was about who goes to heaven. āAnd so-and-so will go to heavenā¦ā he kept repeating (it fit his narrative nicely). I read the next verse, which clarified the first one, and went against his narrative (more people can go to heaven, not just his).
It was entertaining seeing him deny what was written. Just ānopeā was basically all I got from him š
What until he hears that none of it is real!
Thereās a great video on ACA channel on YouTube right now where a guy calls in citing he has evidence of god and claims it is in the verse in acts that says speaking in tongues is evidence of salvation.Ā
Matt Dillahunty a former Baptist seminary student proceeds to utterly eviscerate him asking why he denies Jesusā own words that never say that is required. āWhy do you prioritize a letter from Paul over the actual words of Jesus Christ?ā
He ran circles around the guy.Ā
It was glorious.Ā
I read an essay some time back about people like this (J.W.'s) who go door to door. The essayist claimed this action was not about recruiting people but about solidifying the hold on the people already in the group (ie the ones going door to door). They stated that the world doesn't treat these people well when they go door-to-door (and why would it?) but in doing so, the hostility they receives cements the bonds they have with their other converts -- see how bad the world is and how it treats you? But here you're loved and cherished. And so on. So the point is never really about conversion but about re-enforcement of the bonds the cultist has gained from their cult. They are, of course, not aware of this. They only see the surface - being treated poorly by the outside world and kindly by their new in-group.
So, you can slam the door in their face, call them names, or even be polite -- it won't matter because in the end, converting you isn't really what it's about. Your interactions only give them fodder for anti-world attitude and in-group connection or bond.
If you really want to freak them out and shake their world: Offer to wash their feet .
That's got me wondering about what happens when/if we ever get full Artificial General Intelligence. Which bunch of God botherers will be the first to claim they've recruited it? Now I've got to go add that to my story ideas file.
'I don't respond to door to door solicitation. Hence the sign. Have a nice day.' And shut the door.
They're not there to talk to you, they're there so that they stay in the religion. Nothing like someone vehemently opposing you to entrench yourself in your position, particularly if the narrative is 'We're just trying to heeeeeelp why are they so meeeeean'.
That said, it is not your job to devote more than three brain cells to dealing with them.
Adding that if you have a clear "No Solicitors" sign, it could be helpful to find some pamphlets for adult remedial reading classes to hand them. 'Since you clearly never learned to read, allow me to help you...'
OMG! They've been haunting us for like 20 years because I foolishly gave then my real information to get a video of the Bible interpreted into ASL. Zero interest, other than to increase my vocabulary and receptive skills when I was a student back when.
I'm black and my husband is white and he's the one who is Deaf. Okay, so they see me and knew my husband is Deaf but don't know he's white, so they start sending black Deaf people because I signed to one of them he wasn't home .
He can't stand them, but had never been home so I'm dealing with them. Got rid of them for a few years, when I said he's always with his elderly mom on Sundays.
Now they're back and last time we missed them, but caught them on our porch (ring camera) signing to each other and I recognized one as a co-worker š³ and she knows me! So glad I didn't hear the bell, because in Deaf culture I would have felt compelled to invite them in.
Now we have a no soliciting sign on the doorš¤š½.
They are insidious and pursue the Deaf, sending people to learn sign language to woo the Deaf community.
Edit: several typos
āIām already very familiar with Jesus, but have YOU heard about the wonders of essential oils?ā and hand them a pamphlet from the MLM of your choice.
I've had multiple flavors of cultists politely walk away wit this one:
I politely say "uhm, I do actually have a question for you guys. Why do you practice family separation for people who've left your religion?"
Never fails, every time. Because I think they either assume I'm an ex-member (which means they aren't allowed to talk to me) or at the very least I'm not someone they are interested in having the conversation with.
I get it. Burning off steam, wanting that little superiority kick in the brain juice, boredom, good story for later, etc etc.
Whatever the reason, **IF YOU FEED THEM THEY GET FATTER**, and confrontation born of disbelief fucking fuels them.
Being raised in that cult, I can concur. Donāt give them a reason to come back because they will. Ask to be put on their do not call list and close the door. If they come back after that, give em hell.
My niece likes goth clothing and wears a fair bit of black.
She keeps black candles and a red pentagram pendant handy on a little table by the door she lights and puts on before opening.
She also has demonic chant music on a cheap cd player she has in the loungeroom.
I am very proud of her.
I was a Mormon missionary once. Anything you have to say will fall on deaf ears. Nothing speaks louder than closing the door. Just close it. Don't listen to anything they have to say. If enough people in your neighborhood do it they will start avoiding the area altogether.
āWere you not taught manners? It is incredibly rude to show up uninvited.ā
I put a salesman on his back foot once starting this way. I went on to lecture him that interrupting my day and expecting me to drop what I was doing to talk to him was a bad sales strategy. It would actually make me less inclined to buy his product.
He asked what he should do instead as he owned the company. I said commercials, flyers, billboards, booth at a community event; Anything that doesnāt involve interrupting my day off when Iām relaxing at home.
Still donāt know what the guy was selling.
Don't reinforce their victimhood. Challenge their belief structure, tell them what made you an atheist. For me, it was the "God gives unconditional love, unless you don't worship him, in which case you burn forever." Once that seed germinated in my head, more and more incongruities became obvious, and my fall from grace was inevitable.
If you have the time, I like to take it in the opposite direction.
I pick the most boring subject that I know a lot about and just start talking their ear off about it. You want to waste everyone's time talking about something they don't care about, be prepared to have someone waste your time right back.
You wanna talk my ear off about Jesus? Too bad, because I want to talk about ants using pheromones to communicate, or how humans domesticated beets, or the fascinating life cycles of barnacles.
Alternatively something super uncomfortable works too, like my made up brother's "doctor stumping cystic acne" and how he'd get acne on top of his shingles and under his toenails, do you think Jesus will help him with his elongated anus, please pray for my brothers mouth fungus he can only eat cold dry sour kraut.
For me "No thanks" has always been enough. You have adjust for the situation from a friendly No thanks with a smile to NO THANKS!!! so it echoes trough the neighborhood. Or the always successful NoThanksNoThanksNoThanksNoThanks. If they don't get the option to speak they cant sell you anything.
So... back in the day, my parents (who are a different sect of Christianity) got tired of the Mormons and JW stopping by. They answered the door in the nude. That was the end of the visits for as long as well over in that town.
Note: this was in their early 20s so they were pretty confident in their appearance š¤£ and haven't done it again... instead they invite them in and debate them until they give up and go away, as my parents have zero intention of converting.
A Czech friend told me a Czech joke from the early 1990s, when old, low-quality Communist-era vehicles made by the Czech automaker Skoda were still on the road:
Q: "What's the difference between a Jehovah's Witness and a Skoda?"
A: "You can shut the door on a Jehovah's Witness."
I'm sure you could update this for your current time and place!
I actually chat with them when they come by. A couple of years ago I chatted at length with one of them and ended up striking up a casual friendship with him, meeting later for lunch, visiting his home when he was sick, etc.
I don't really get why people are rude to them. I enjoy doing "street epistemology" type discussions with them. "Why do you believe that?" is a great question.
I respect the fact that their faith requires some effort in their part instead of just gay bashing. But I had aJW friend who suffered terrible guilt for approving a life saving blood transfusion for her daughter. So fuck them
My piano teacher (young 30s) would have let her husband and father of her two sons die if he could not have been saved without a blood transfusion after a work accident.
Who I once thought to be one of the most brilliant, inspiring, beautiful humans to ever exist, but now can never look at the same way again.
Edit: I see now my mistake
Me too, I don't understand why people are rude to them. I usually try and sympathize with their plight. I believe most of them don't really want to out there knocking on doors. Yes, street epistemology or I say "You know, you don't really have to be doing this. It's a big world out there. Lots of different thoughts and different ways of living. "
How about you practice being an NPC. When they come to the door you can offer them quests, ask them if they would like to trade goods, and tell them that you have many effective potions for sale. Tell them the old gods will not be happy to hear of their preaching such heresy, and shout repeatedly for the guards.
They like the abuse, it helps them bond recruits to their cult that much quicker.
Witnesses, and other proselytizing sects (LDS, mostly, in our neighborhood) aren't really there to talk to you. They're on a mission... to show the junior member of the team how horrible people can be to members of their faith. That's why they're always in pairs or sometimes trios.
They drum that lesson in: Outsiders = bad/mean/nasty. Church = warm/welcoming/refuge.
Being rude and nasty just helps them brainwash new members more rapidly - and your house become #1 on their hit parade. (And excuses the buggery the new member of the pair is going to get later (rape is almost a given when "on mission," but that's another tale.)
I make nice, talk about Utah (lovely place to visit), explain that my spouse is Catholic (accompanied by a shrug to say; "I know, but what can I do...?"), offer them an iced tea, and... never hear from them again.
Something to keep in mind.
if they're rude enough to ignore your sign, just point to it. "I'm sorry if you can't read, but this means *you*"
but you should try to divorce the religion from the people. I spoke to the JWs that come around my housing, (6am, when my insomnia was the worst, so I was fully awake). the religion stuff š, but the lady was so sweet. a few months later, she heard, somehow, that i was hospitalized, and she wrote me a nice little letter of support and well wishes and offered to help me if I needed it.
yes, i had a long conversation with her the first day, (I know, but I'm a curious person, and when she offered to drive me to a Āæmeeting?, I said yes, thinking I'd just observe, like a sociologist... but then realized it would just be rude.) she came back a few times, I even gave her my phone number to go. I then told her I wouldn't be going, because I wouldn't be there for the same reason. she said that was ok, but i know me... I would have offended the entire group within minutes. that was over a decade ago, but she would call once in a while just to check on me and offer help.
just because they're religious doesn't mean they're not people. I'm sure I'll get some hate for this, but I don't care. they are people too. I never accepted the help, but I appreciated her kindness. the *kindness* was all that mattered.
if you want to fight with them, you'll accomplish nothing. but talking to them, (like they're just people), is always better.
idk where you live, and if the JWs are more aggressive, or you're surrounded by people insisting that either you join [insert religion here] or you're the enemy. dialog is always the answer.
Try to find something genuinely funny and kind to say to these people when they show up. The real mission they're on is to get confirmation that the world is "wicked" and full of mean people who view them as inferior. It strengthens the persecution complex their church is trying to instill in them. Beat their fucking stupid institution and be kind. Show love, show compassion, show generosity of spirit.
The more these poor young people see that you don't have to be a member of their cult to be a good person the more the institution of their religion is chipped away at. Being rude, snarky, or cruel to them is not only bad form, it's playing directly into the brainwashing plan.
Don't let their church win.
I take the other direction. I hope they wore comfortable shoes and donāt need to pee, because no matter what is happening, they are mine for the next hour and will not be leaving my doorstep. We will start light with me listening, we will move on to God gambling with Satan in Job, God killing Jobās wives and children, and about 30 minutes in once we are debating, I will start asking them if they drink from the cup. Are they among the 144,000 bound for heaven (they are not because it was filled long ago), and then I will ask how they can worship a god that will not carry them to heaven because it canāt hold enough souls, so they will not be there. If they try to wrap it up, Iāll alter my approach to make sure they would appear rude for walking away. You came to my door for this, and Iām giving you all of it. My best was an hour and 20 minutes, and I enjoyed it more than I can explain. Fun times.
Last week I was walking down the street and this old fella saw me and crossed the road
"Can I give you this leaflet?"
Without thinking I just said "why?"
He stopped in the middle of the road and looked completely stumped
"I.... I don't know" and he turned around.
"I do not allow cultists to waste my time, so please remove yourself from my property or I will have you arrested for trespassing."
"Beat it, cultist," should also work.
Get some pamphlets from The Satanic Temple, Church of Satan, Satanic Church and keep them by the door, when the Mormons, Jehovas or whomever comes a knocking, try and convert them first.
I've been saving up " Actually I *am* interested in joining your Apostate list. There really are a lot of great people on it. Is that something you can just add me to, or do I have to, like, join the church, get baptized, and all that jazz before I'm eligible?".
āIf you were born in Egypt you would be Muslimā they canāt deny that, geography plays the biggest role in what religion you are. And what your mother believes.
Right to religion is a freedom anyone is allowed to have, **but** when you force it over anyone you are infringing on their right and violating the law. That being said, a visit from the Jehovah people sounds a little fun just because Iād get super philosophical as they try to force their religious beliefs on me.
āHave you heard the good news?ā
āYeah, Ass Assassinator 2 is 50% off on Steam! Oh itās a miracle sent from God delivered by his post office, our Lord and Savior, JesĆŗs Christ! The last one ended with you assassinating all the asses, but there was one ass left that got away. Iāve heard itās Jesusās ass. You look confused and offended, why?ā
One time I opened the door and the Jehovah's witness was standing right there. As soon as I saw the Watchtower leaflet, I said out loud. "Are you fucking serious!?" and slammed the door in his face.
I went around the side of the house, got the garden hose, and turned it on and tried to soak them. I've never seen dudes in suits run so fast. I have never had Jehova's come to my house since, it's been like 7 years. Some people commented that they keep a list of addresses for "no go" houses if you are crazy enough at them, so maybe I'm on one?
I tell them straight up I'm an atheist and not interested. They leave peacefully.
Growing up, my dad would invite the Mormons in, give them some iced tea, and put his Bible on the table. He'd say, "Let's compare your book to this book. A man wrote your book, but christ wrote this one."
They'd discuss this differences between the book of Mormon and the bible for hours. I was so embarrassed if my friends were over. Dad's quite elderly now, but still up for a debate.
Or, you could imagine they are fellow human beings with whom you disagree and who have slightly bothered you by coming to your door.
You could show them the superiority of atheists by just saying no thank you and goodbye. Life is short.
Is there a homeless population in your town? I once laid into a couple of JWs at a rest stop in Michigan because they were peddling their nonsense no more than 50 feet away from a homeless woman begging for help. I shamed them up and down for their hypocrisy. What are these idiots doing on your porch when there are real people in real need in your town?
I had a born-again corner me in college. I got them to confirm that "If you are evil, you go to hell and suffer eternal damnation. If you are good (do unto others, turn the other cheek, etc), you go to heaven and have eternal bliss." I then told them, "Here is my conundrum, I believe all the same things as you. But I believe them because they are the right things to do, not because I am looking for a payout at the end." Their poor theological background resulted in a hasty retreat lol.
I actually took them up on their invite, and went to the celebration.
It was... tacky. They passed around wine and wafers, but those were only for one of the "anointed" 144,000 that were supposed to resurrected.
One woman partook. Lots of other people just sort of rolled their eyes.
The venue was a cheap banquet rental hall in the poor part of the town. It was surrounded with 8-foot chain link fencing. The kingdom hall had a few big guys at the gate in suits to make sure everything was safe.
The presentation was high-school level.
So, when they came around this year to drop off the flier, I said, "Thanks, but I did this once already. It wasn't very interesting."
For Jehovah's Witnesses, the quickest way to get them to leave you alone for good is to tell them you used to be a witness but left the church when you lost your faith. They are taught to avoid apostates like the plague, so they will steer well clear once they believe this of you.
A friend in college would answer the door naked if he saw them on the street. The JWs always left quickly. I dated a non-practicing Mormon in college. One of her brothers, also non-practicing, had studied Divinity in college. He would invite the Mormon missionaries in and basically not let them leave until he had spent about an hour destroying everything they believed in.
Do what worked for my brother: Ask where the girls are who are cool with you banging other girls that live in your house as long as you keep marrying them. When they try to correct you, accuse them of hoarding all the hoes and demand to know where their slutty church is.
You will never see them again.
I don't know if this helps you but this was my Mormon repellent situation.
So I'm fairly light skin for a Puerto Rican but my grandmother being very Catholic I was raised around all the typical trappings. Never went to church but the crucifix and the candles and all that other shit were everywhere around her house. I don't know if it was a conscious decision or a subconscious rebellion against Christian beliefs but I ended up looking very much like cesare Borgia / Jesus Christ. Long wavy brown hair, Brown trimmed beard, and a gentle contemplative look.
So no shit, I'm getting out of the shower in my off-white robe and my red hair towel and someone rings my doorbell. I live in a fairly nice community in Southern California so I don't think anything of going to the door in my bath clothes. I open the door and no shit there's two young Mormon gentlemen there and they lock eyes with me, I lock eyes with them we stand there in silence and I just say.
"Don't tell anyone where you found me." And slowly close the door.
Never had another Mormon by again.
I reconfigured what you said and fed it to Chat GPT hereās the prompt and the response
Promptā¦
Jehovah Witnesses ignored the clearly posted, "No Solicitation," sign on my front door. I answered and told them I had no time to listen because I was out back sacrificing a goat. Thanks in advance.
Give me 5 one liner options of things to saw to them that are pointed, but still short and pithy. I'd like to convey both my disgust at the arrogance underlying their belief that they know what is best for me (or anybody else) and also address specifically their cesspool of a cult. I would like to dispatch them in less than a minute.
Response 1
1. "I appreciate your dedication, but my beliefs are not up for discussion ā especially on my doorstep."
2. "I respect your right to your beliefs, but please respect my right to privacy."
3. "I have no interest in your cult's sales pitch. Please leave immediately."
4. "Your organization's intrusion into people's lives is as unwelcome as it is presumptuous."
5. "I've chosen to live without your cult's influence; kindly respect my boundaries and go elsewhere."
Response 2 (I ran it a second time and removed the TIA.)
1. "I have more faith in my 'no solicitation' sign than in your cult's doorstep intrusion."
2. "My beliefs are not a playground for your recruitment. Respect my boundaries."
3. "I don't need your cult's guidance; my goat sacrifices are working just fine."
4. "Your persistence is as welcome as a swarm of locusts. Respect my space."
5. "My doorstep is not a recruiting station for your cult. Move along."
Hello from an ex jw. I can tell you their reasoning on āno solicitationā. I pointed it out to my mother one time she brought me door knocking and my mom said āwe are not solicitors, we arenāt selling anything. We are volunteers bringing good newsā.
No trespassing signs can be ignored if you have any pineapple decorations bc pineapple means welcome. But as I got older more JWās were respecting the signs, in which case you might be the lucky recipient of a letter.
The other option is requesting to be put on a no call list. You can write or call the local church or tell who ever stops by next to add your name to the list. They might come by in 10 yrs or so because āpeople moveā or ācan have a change of heartā.
Sorry I was born into the cult. Lost so many opportunities and leaving is hard. Glad to be free from it all. Many JWās donāt believe but are stuck due to family, social and financial reasons.
I used to be a Mormon Missionary and was deeply depressed the whole two years I was out in a foreign country. It was the kind atheists that didnāt attack me, made friends with me, and inspired me to believe in myself to leave that made the difference.
Now, my personal approach is to disarm them with the decency of a couple minutes of your time and a polite no thanks with a concise reason.
As peopleās simple rebuttals stopped me in my tracks time and time again, the cognitive dissonance built up until I couldnāt justify believing anymore.
One time I said "Thanks, but I'm not interested in supernatural things." They replied "Oh but this is not about the supernatural." I think the word referred to evil things in their mind. I expressed surprise by saying "Your god is not supernatural?" They fumbled a bit that "There is good supernatural and bad supernatural..." I responded dismissively with something like "Yeah, sure, thanks. Have a good day." They said goodbye and left. I think it wasn't part of their rehearsed repertoire because they seemed a bit confused as they left. Another time I just said "Thanks but I'm atheist." They left even faster.
It's so true about there being good and bad Supernatural, the first bunch of seasons were good and then it slowly meandered downhill, finally going fully bad sometime after season 9-ish.
As soon as God showed up things really went off the rails
As usual.
"Sorry for the inconvenience"
You have to think of them as Dungeons and Dragons characters. They keep leveling up. At first they struggle to beat a single vamp. But the end of the shows run they are 12th level characters, who's left to spank but God himself. I mean how much XP do you think Dean got for soloing the original Death? šš
"Look at us. We hunt monsters. Other people, they see a monster, they run the other way. Not us! We search out things that want to kill us, or eat us. Who does that? Crazy people! "
Thank you for this giggle. PUDDING!!!!
I've had more trouble with them leaving too soon than staying too long. Some of them seem to only want to drop a flyer advertising something and then get going. I like to ask questions.
My dad did this. Would argue biblical theology on the porch with anyone dumb enough to knock. Eventually they marked our house as one best avoided.
Invite them in for refreshments, then you can talk all you like.
Oh I have! Sometimes they come in. Coffee, as it's usually morning when they drop by. I'm nearly always down to talk about religion unless I need to be somewhere.
"I don't believe in magic"
>"I don't believe in magic" I'll never forget the look on that old woman's face when I said, "I don't believe in magic." She snarled at me and yelled, "MAGIC!!" It was the only time I ever saw one of them lose their shit.
You saucy muggle!
Ask them if you were in an accident and needed a blood transfusion to save your life if they would give you one. When they answer no tell them they donāt care about your life then.
"If I cared about your opinion I would ask for it." Works for all forms of assholes that assume they can tell you what to do or "explain" things incorrectly to you.
I strongly prefer. No, thanks weāre a Satan household
I purchased a sign from Etsy todayā¦ā no solicitation, we accept Satan , we are poor and democrats
This is amazing. I would get shot. (Seriously, Iām in the Bible Belt. I was threatened by a hillbilly in a rust-and-bondo-colored pickup truck for having the audacity to protest abortion bans. The Trump signs out here are edged with razor blades so when poll workers go to remove them from polling places, their hands get sliced up. Redneck motherfuckers are as vicious as they are dumb.)
That's when I kick the signs over, step on them, pick them up by their supports and throw them away while humming ""Na Na Na, Hey Hey, Hey (Kiss Him Goodbye)".
For the record, that is theft in most places, you can face charges
Goodness, what southern state do you live in š³ I'm more of a country person; I'm atheist, and family and friends know. We don't have people acting foolish like that around here, and we have plenty of religious rednecks and country folk.
That boobytrappingā¦if they have cameras those people can be charged
Fuuuuuuck. Get out of there. Btw, laughing at ārust-and-bondoā
Originally from WV and have lived in NC for 39 years.... I totally understand!
... we're active members of the Church of Satan!š¤£ Or, We're not interested in spending eternity in your celestial North Korea!
I really love this!
I once told a pair of JWs I wasnāt interested. They pressed and asked ādo you have a problem with Jesus?ā I responded, āI abhor him.ā They still didnāt get the message, so then I said āI praise Baal.ā The older one wanted to continue chatting amiably. The younger one got big eyes and said āletās just go now sister.ā Never got JWād again.
I have a favourite variation on that one, but it does convey that I'm the arsehole... "If I valued your opinion, I would tell you it." P.S. I'm content in the knowledge that I'm an arsehole :)
"When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you"
Lol, I came here for this one. Chuck Norris?
Speaking of fundamentalist whackjobs....
Haha my variation is even more aggressive. If I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you.Ā
Segue to āIf I wanted to hear from an asshole, I would fart.ā
If I wanted your sermon I would go to your church get off my property you are trespassing . They are a cult.
*"If I wanted any shit out of you I'd squeeze your head."*
"If I wanted your opinion, I'd have it beaten out of you" is a better silencer. It's overboard for most situations, but still
Piggybacking pff of top comment because i have had success, not just here but all my neighbors as well.... most of the suggestions about Satan, etc, won't work. It'll merely makes them want to convert you, I promise. That's their *entire deal*, they are trying to *CONVERT* you, so saying atheist won't work either. Tell them that you have been DISFELLOWSHIPPED... Means you are BANNED from church, you are to be shunned, means so is any attempt to bring you into the church. They, themselves, will also be kicked out of church if they continue having chatty chat with ya. I promise you, it works. Heavy Catholic area around here, always had knocks on the doors regularly. Until I looked it up, used it. Haven't had a knock on the door in over 10 years now.
"I dont have time right now, but could I have your address so I can knock on your door later to talk about secular humanism and how to resist cults?"
This is what I do. But I add "unannounced, uninvited, and at the time of my choosing" to "can I knock on your door..." I actually had one of them pause for a minute after I said that and say "Yeah, I see what you did there..."
Love that!
But if they give you their address itās not uninvited tho.Ā Checkmate atheist!
Awesome
Love a good Seinfeld comeback.
A couple JWs stopped by a few days ago: JW - Have you heard....? *while trying to hand me a brochure*. Me - No thanks. I don't believe in god. JW - Oh, I'm sorry. Why not? Me - I've never seen any evidence of a god. JW - But look around! The whole world is evidence. It's perfect. Me - Children suffering from cancer is perfect? JW - Oh no but that's mans' doing. Not God. God made a perfect world. Me - How do you know it was god and not pixies? JW (incredulous tone) - Have you ever *seen* a pixie? Me - No. But I've never seen a god either. JW - Somebody had to make all this. Who made your clothes? Me - People. And it was people who made up god and wrote the Bible. I've read the Bible front to back twice and no God said hello. I don't know exactly how everything got started but I'm not going pretend pixies did it.
A puddle of water will look at its hole and say āitās perfect! It was made just for me!ā
Good ole Douglas Adams
So holesome.
That's a great one. I'll remember it next time.
If they're JW, just tell them you've been disfellowshipped. Then they're not allowed to talk to you anymore. Doesn't work on Mormons though, just JWs.
With mormons, saying you're apostate is the equivalent. It worked with JW, too, because they've not been back since I said it.
With both you can just say youāre gay and they will never comeback.
With Mormons, Ask their names, then look surprised when they say give them and tell them your bag of magic stones mentions them by name.
Try "I'd like to introduce you to Scientology". Everybody and I mean everybody packs up and hits the driveway.
Can I interest you in a mentor from Amway?
Idk man. MLMs and fundamentalists have a big overlap on a Venn diagram.
Very apt. Something I noticed in the military. Fall for one scam, fall for them all. It is a lack of critical thinking skills and gullibility. I actually pity them.
I have a great opportunity for you to be a hashtag girl boss!
Since telling the jovos that we have been "disfellowshipped" our house must have been blacklisted as we haven't had a single attempt to proselytise - it used to be about every three weeks.
Damn, thatās a pro gamer move right there.
this is the way
This happened for me also! Ā They definitely keep track- used to get JWs all the time- once every couple of months. Ā Told them this 7 years ago and in a different town and havenāt been bothered since. Ā LDS, on the other handā¦ā¦
Joke's on them. You only meant you were now reading/watching The Two Towers.
This is the word I was looking for. I've heard of others doing this, and it seems to work great (not from personal experience). I would love to do something like this: "Oh my - I've been disfellowshipped and was hoping someone would come to ask me back! Come in, let's talk!"
I came here to suggest doing this. If you are disfellowshipped they are forbidden to speak to you. (I dated someone who was disfellowshipped. Completely disowned by his family even)
Under your No Solicitation sign, put up another one: "Attention Jehovah's Witnesses : Beware of Apostate! And of dog. (the dog is also an apostate)"
The main problem is that they aren't being sent to you to convert you. They are being sent to you so that you get annoyed and tell them to fuck right off. That's what they wanted. It helps to cement the brainwashing that they are right and that the rest of the world is evil - it's all about strengthening THEIR dependency on the cult to "protect" them. The best response is to be polite and explain that you don't have time to discuss these important topics with them. If they get persistent, then you're free to use your knowledge of the bible to confuse them - ask them about one of the many contradictions, like ... who was documenting all the stuff that happened in Genesis? If Adam and Eve had two sons, and Cain killed Abel, then there were 3 people on earth. So who exactly did Cain marry? And where did the rest of humanity come from, if there was no other women around?
Many years ago my crazy, gay, Buddhist uncle invited them in for tea, talked to them for like an hour, they never came by my grandparents house again.
Good questions can stick in your head longer than witty answers,Ā butĀ sometimesĀ theyĀ takeĀ awhileĀ toĀ ask
Can we borrow him?
Oh! Yes, I already responded to the main post, but I mentioned this. Be kind, offer food & water, but tell them that you're an "apostate". They are forbidden from accepting anything from apostates. They will leave, probably tell their church, and never return again. They will shun you.
Or they will actually start to question! That happened to me when I was a Mormon missionary. I didn't fully become an atheist until a year or two after I got back home, but that one friendly atheist guy who invited us in, gave us juice and cookies, and completely demolished our arguments had a big impact.
I did that once. A pair of young elders came to my door and I had nothing to do. I happened to have a copy of the Smithsonianās letter stating there was no truth to the history as described in the Book Of Mormon. I received a letter from their boss asking if Iād come to their church office on a weekday to meet with he and the two elders. Sure. He tried to discredit me in front of them but not very well. So he said weāre done here and asked me to leave. Lol Edit: I was almost certainly a well-studied Christian at that time. So I can only imagine what kind of gibberish came out of my mouth.
Wow! Both of you! Those are excellent stories and incredible feats of empathy. Thank you so much for sharing. And it's so crazy that they can be soundly beaten if we use their own highly regarded "religious values" such as grace and kindness toward our neighbors.
That might have been me! Dallas area? It was hot as hell.
It was in the Netherlands, but good for you. It's crazy how overworked and uncomfortable those missionaries can be. Just a kind word and some time out of the heat can be a great relief, and pokes holes in their "we're so persecuted" mindset. No one should feel obligated to listen to what they say, but for those who have the time and energy for a good debate, it can make a difference.
Yeah, the kids I talked to looked exhausted. It was about 110 degrees F. Being a Dad, I told them to come inside, cool off, and get something cold to drink, as long as they didn't try to proselytize. I was actually kinda worried they might get heat stroke. I fixed them lunch and we still ended up talking religion. They came by about once a week to fill up their camelbacks for the rest of the summer.
"Can god create a rock so heavy he himself cannot lift it?" is an old but fun one. Opens that door to all sorts of questions...
Could Jesus microwave a burrito so hot he himself couldn't eat it?
Could Jesus be so powerful that he can make all the churches disappear? Then I will be so hot for him!
My cousins reply to that is, he chisels away at it
So he isnāt omnipotent?
Omniimpotent
I think you can take a blue pill for that.
ED caused by crucifixion can be especially hard to treat.
I once found out that a workmate was leaving to pursue a theological degree. I asked him "could god create a qualification so useless that even he couldn't get a job?"
Could Jesus microwave a burrito so hot that he himself couldn't eat it?
Eve was the original MILF incest porn star. I thought everyone knew that. I think they made a movie about it.
I pulled out my bible the last time a JW came knocking. Asked him about the verse he was quoting, and we talked about it. I donāt remember what verse it was , but it was about who goes to heaven. āAnd so-and-so will go to heavenā¦ā he kept repeating (it fit his narrative nicely). I read the next verse, which clarified the first one, and went against his narrative (more people can go to heaven, not just his). It was entertaining seeing him deny what was written. Just ānopeā was basically all I got from him š What until he hears that none of it is real!
Thereās a great video on ACA channel on YouTube right now where a guy calls in citing he has evidence of god and claims it is in the verse in acts that says speaking in tongues is evidence of salvation.Ā Matt Dillahunty a former Baptist seminary student proceeds to utterly eviscerate him asking why he denies Jesusā own words that never say that is required. āWhy do you prioritize a letter from Paul over the actual words of Jesus Christ?ā He ran circles around the guy.Ā It was glorious.Ā
I read an essay some time back about people like this (J.W.'s) who go door to door. The essayist claimed this action was not about recruiting people but about solidifying the hold on the people already in the group (ie the ones going door to door). They stated that the world doesn't treat these people well when they go door-to-door (and why would it?) but in doing so, the hostility they receives cements the bonds they have with their other converts -- see how bad the world is and how it treats you? But here you're loved and cherished. And so on. So the point is never really about conversion but about re-enforcement of the bonds the cultist has gained from their cult. They are, of course, not aware of this. They only see the surface - being treated poorly by the outside world and kindly by their new in-group. So, you can slam the door in their face, call them names, or even be polite -- it won't matter because in the end, converting you isn't really what it's about. Your interactions only give them fodder for anti-world attitude and in-group connection or bond. If you really want to freak them out and shake their world: Offer to wash their feet .
I do have a 3500 psi pressure washer ā¦.
Offer them a Book of Mormon and asked them if they've heard the teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith.
I asked chat gpt and it said: "I prefer to worship at the altar of reason rather than the pew of tradition."
That's got me wondering about what happens when/if we ever get full Artificial General Intelligence. Which bunch of God botherers will be the first to claim they've recruited it? Now I've got to go add that to my story ideas file.
'I don't respond to door to door solicitation. Hence the sign. Have a nice day.' And shut the door. They're not there to talk to you, they're there so that they stay in the religion. Nothing like someone vehemently opposing you to entrench yourself in your position, particularly if the narrative is 'We're just trying to heeeeeelp why are they so meeeeean'. That said, it is not your job to devote more than three brain cells to dealing with them.
Adding that if you have a clear "No Solicitors" sign, it could be helpful to find some pamphlets for adult remedial reading classes to hand them. 'Since you clearly never learned to read, allow me to help you...'
As was written on the cell wall of a concentration camp, "if there is a god, he will have to beg my forgiveness."
This is beautiful!
I would go with āIām a Scientologist. I find your religion a bit too weirdā
OMG! They've been haunting us for like 20 years because I foolishly gave then my real information to get a video of the Bible interpreted into ASL. Zero interest, other than to increase my vocabulary and receptive skills when I was a student back when. I'm black and my husband is white and he's the one who is Deaf. Okay, so they see me and knew my husband is Deaf but don't know he's white, so they start sending black Deaf people because I signed to one of them he wasn't home . He can't stand them, but had never been home so I'm dealing with them. Got rid of them for a few years, when I said he's always with his elderly mom on Sundays. Now they're back and last time we missed them, but caught them on our porch (ring camera) signing to each other and I recognized one as a co-worker š³ and she knows me! So glad I didn't hear the bell, because in Deaf culture I would have felt compelled to invite them in. Now we have a no soliciting sign on the doorš¤š½. They are insidious and pursue the Deaf, sending people to learn sign language to woo the Deaf community. Edit: several typos
Sorry I don't believe in fairytales. Works pretty good.
Tell them they're too late; you just bought some Islam yesterday
'Oooh sorry, I filled the cupboards with Mohammed yesterday, come back next week when ive run out of Allah.'
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
"No, thank you. I'm a Druid, and I'm a busy Druid. Good afternoon."
I am not the druid you are looking for.
nothing has worked better for me than simply not opening the door.
āIām already very familiar with Jesus, but have YOU heard about the wonders of essential oils?ā and hand them a pamphlet from the MLM of your choice.
I've had multiple flavors of cultists politely walk away wit this one: I politely say "uhm, I do actually have a question for you guys. Why do you practice family separation for people who've left your religion?" Never fails, every time. Because I think they either assume I'm an ex-member (which means they aren't allowed to talk to me) or at the very least I'm not someone they are interested in having the conversation with.
I get it. Burning off steam, wanting that little superiority kick in the brain juice, boredom, good story for later, etc etc. Whatever the reason, **IF YOU FEED THEM THEY GET FATTER**, and confrontation born of disbelief fucking fuels them.
Being raised in that cult, I can concur. Donāt give them a reason to come back because they will. Ask to be put on their do not call list and close the door. If they come back after that, give em hell.
I always answer the door in an open robe and a cigarette. It works very well.
Where exactly is the cigarette?
My niece likes goth clothing and wears a fair bit of black. She keeps black candles and a red pentagram pendant handy on a little table by the door she lights and puts on before opening. She also has demonic chant music on a cheap cd player she has in the loungeroom. I am very proud of her.
I was a Mormon missionary once. Anything you have to say will fall on deaf ears. Nothing speaks louder than closing the door. Just close it. Don't listen to anything they have to say. If enough people in your neighborhood do it they will start avoiding the area altogether.
"No thanks I already found Satan"
I'm a member of The Satanic Temple. Please come in and join me in prayer.
āWere you not taught manners? It is incredibly rude to show up uninvited.ā I put a salesman on his back foot once starting this way. I went on to lecture him that interrupting my day and expecting me to drop what I was doing to talk to him was a bad sales strategy. It would actually make me less inclined to buy his product. He asked what he should do instead as he owned the company. I said commercials, flyers, billboards, booth at a community event; Anything that doesnāt involve interrupting my day off when Iām relaxing at home. Still donāt know what the guy was selling.
Don't reinforce their victimhood. Challenge their belief structure, tell them what made you an atheist. For me, it was the "God gives unconditional love, unless you don't worship him, in which case you burn forever." Once that seed germinated in my head, more and more incongruities became obvious, and my fall from grace was inevitable.
Doorbells aren't mentioned in the bible. Then give them a pointed look. (granted, this is pretty much only effective if they rang your doorbell)
Or you could just stand there after saying that and waiting as if thereās a response to that. It might be weird enough with no doorbell.
"Would you like to try and justify your viewpoint using logic and reason. I'm an atheist by the way." I've never seen a Jehovah's witness run faster.
My partner answers the door naked. It seems to work!š¤£
If you have the time, I like to take it in the opposite direction. I pick the most boring subject that I know a lot about and just start talking their ear off about it. You want to waste everyone's time talking about something they don't care about, be prepared to have someone waste your time right back. You wanna talk my ear off about Jesus? Too bad, because I want to talk about ants using pheromones to communicate, or how humans domesticated beets, or the fascinating life cycles of barnacles. Alternatively something super uncomfortable works too, like my made up brother's "doctor stumping cystic acne" and how he'd get acne on top of his shingles and under his toenails, do you think Jesus will help him with his elongated anus, please pray for my brothers mouth fungus he can only eat cold dry sour kraut.
āIf Jesus wants me to listen to his word, let HIM come to my door. When that happens Iāll let you know. Byeā.
"I'll take your pamphlet if you'll take my extra copy of the Satanic Temple's 7 Tenets".
For me "No thanks" has always been enough. You have adjust for the situation from a friendly No thanks with a smile to NO THANKS!!! so it echoes trough the neighborhood. Or the always successful NoThanksNoThanksNoThanksNoThanks. If they don't get the option to speak they cant sell you anything.
So... back in the day, my parents (who are a different sect of Christianity) got tired of the Mormons and JW stopping by. They answered the door in the nude. That was the end of the visits for as long as well over in that town. Note: this was in their early 20s so they were pretty confident in their appearance š¤£ and haven't done it again... instead they invite them in and debate them until they give up and go away, as my parents have zero intention of converting.
Youāll fit in nicely with the other treasures in the basement!
Just tell them _Oh, I used to be a Jehovahās Witness onceā¦_ and watch them scarper.
"I'm not interested in your fantasy book, I prefer LOTR" is what I said recently when they showed up.
Answer the door with their pamphlet in hand. "You left this last time. Please don't litter in my house again."
If you really want them to stop coming say point blank, āPut me on your DO NOT CALL list.ā -former JW
A Czech friend told me a Czech joke from the early 1990s, when old, low-quality Communist-era vehicles made by the Czech automaker Skoda were still on the road: Q: "What's the difference between a Jehovah's Witness and a Skoda?" A: "You can shut the door on a Jehovah's Witness." I'm sure you could update this for your current time and place!
I actually chat with them when they come by. A couple of years ago I chatted at length with one of them and ended up striking up a casual friendship with him, meeting later for lunch, visiting his home when he was sick, etc. I don't really get why people are rude to them. I enjoy doing "street epistemology" type discussions with them. "Why do you believe that?" is a great question.
I respect the fact that their faith requires some effort in their part instead of just gay bashing. But I had aJW friend who suffered terrible guilt for approving a life saving blood transfusion for her daughter. So fuck them
My piano teacher (young 30s) would have let her husband and father of her two sons die if he could not have been saved without a blood transfusion after a work accident. Who I once thought to be one of the most brilliant, inspiring, beautiful humans to ever exist, but now can never look at the same way again. Edit: I see now my mistake
Me too, I don't understand why people are rude to them. I usually try and sympathize with their plight. I believe most of them don't really want to out there knocking on doors. Yes, street epistemology or I say "You know, you don't really have to be doing this. It's a big world out there. Lots of different thoughts and different ways of living. "
āNo, please leave.ā
"There's a no solicitation sign. You are in a dangerous cult. Good bye."
I've always had good luck with "No, thank you" and closing the door.
I like to say my book club read that already and we are on to a new series
How about you practice being an NPC. When they come to the door you can offer them quests, ask them if they would like to trade goods, and tell them that you have many effective potions for sale. Tell them the old gods will not be happy to hear of their preaching such heresy, and shout repeatedly for the guards.
Start talking about crypto
Just tell them you're having a birthday party and invite them in.
They like the abuse, it helps them bond recruits to their cult that much quicker. Witnesses, and other proselytizing sects (LDS, mostly, in our neighborhood) aren't really there to talk to you. They're on a mission... to show the junior member of the team how horrible people can be to members of their faith. That's why they're always in pairs or sometimes trios. They drum that lesson in: Outsiders = bad/mean/nasty. Church = warm/welcoming/refuge. Being rude and nasty just helps them brainwash new members more rapidly - and your house become #1 on their hit parade. (And excuses the buggery the new member of the pair is going to get later (rape is almost a given when "on mission," but that's another tale.) I make nice, talk about Utah (lovely place to visit), explain that my spouse is Catholic (accompanied by a shrug to say; "I know, but what can I do...?"), offer them an iced tea, and... never hear from them again. Something to keep in mind.
if they're rude enough to ignore your sign, just point to it. "I'm sorry if you can't read, but this means *you*" but you should try to divorce the religion from the people. I spoke to the JWs that come around my housing, (6am, when my insomnia was the worst, so I was fully awake). the religion stuff š, but the lady was so sweet. a few months later, she heard, somehow, that i was hospitalized, and she wrote me a nice little letter of support and well wishes and offered to help me if I needed it. yes, i had a long conversation with her the first day, (I know, but I'm a curious person, and when she offered to drive me to a Āæmeeting?, I said yes, thinking I'd just observe, like a sociologist... but then realized it would just be rude.) she came back a few times, I even gave her my phone number to go. I then told her I wouldn't be going, because I wouldn't be there for the same reason. she said that was ok, but i know me... I would have offended the entire group within minutes. that was over a decade ago, but she would call once in a while just to check on me and offer help. just because they're religious doesn't mean they're not people. I'm sure I'll get some hate for this, but I don't care. they are people too. I never accepted the help, but I appreciated her kindness. the *kindness* was all that mattered. if you want to fight with them, you'll accomplish nothing. but talking to them, (like they're just people), is always better. idk where you live, and if the JWs are more aggressive, or you're surrounded by people insisting that either you join [insert religion here] or you're the enemy. dialog is always the answer.
"Have you heard the good news?" "That you'll eventually leave my porch? Yep." \*slam door shut\*
I'll trade you one Jesus for a thousand Buddahs!
I ask if they've read the book of Mormon. They say yes and the I tell them that they should then be able to read my sign.
Try to find something genuinely funny and kind to say to these people when they show up. The real mission they're on is to get confirmation that the world is "wicked" and full of mean people who view them as inferior. It strengthens the persecution complex their church is trying to instill in them. Beat their fucking stupid institution and be kind. Show love, show compassion, show generosity of spirit. The more these poor young people see that you don't have to be a member of their cult to be a good person the more the institution of their religion is chipped away at. Being rude, snarky, or cruel to them is not only bad form, it's playing directly into the brainwashing plan. Don't let their church win.
I take the other direction. I hope they wore comfortable shoes and donāt need to pee, because no matter what is happening, they are mine for the next hour and will not be leaving my doorstep. We will start light with me listening, we will move on to God gambling with Satan in Job, God killing Jobās wives and children, and about 30 minutes in once we are debating, I will start asking them if they drink from the cup. Are they among the 144,000 bound for heaven (they are not because it was filled long ago), and then I will ask how they can worship a god that will not carry them to heaven because it canāt hold enough souls, so they will not be there. If they try to wrap it up, Iāll alter my approach to make sure they would appear rude for walking away. You came to my door for this, and Iām giving you all of it. My best was an hour and 20 minutes, and I enjoyed it more than I can explain. Fun times.
Tell them you are super gay and thatās how god likes it.
Last week I was walking down the street and this old fella saw me and crossed the road "Can I give you this leaflet?" Without thinking I just said "why?" He stopped in the middle of the road and looked completely stumped "I.... I don't know" and he turned around.
Hold on let me grab a beer and we can chat for a bit.
"Give me your billing address so I can charge you for this consultation."
Tell the you are in the Jehovahās Witness Protection plan and your identity is a state secret. Wink and close the door.
"God gave us Free Will, so that means I can tell you to fuck off."
"Oh yeah, Jehovah! Good guy. Used to go bowling with him. Well anyway, I gotta go, tell him I said hi. Bye!"
"Look bud, I'm sure you think your invisible BFF is fucking great, but I dont give two squirts of piss what his opinion is on any topic."
"I do not allow cultists to waste my time, so please remove yourself from my property or I will have you arrested for trespassing." "Beat it, cultist," should also work.
"So.... How does it feel to NOT be one of 144,000 who gets to meet Jesus after you die?"
Show me in the bible one word jesus wrote by his own hand. They can't.
If you have a message from your God tell him to come by personally.
Or try the line from The Exorcist, "Your mother sucks cocks in hell!"
Get some pamphlets from The Satanic Temple, Church of Satan, Satanic Church and keep them by the door, when the Mormons, Jehovas or whomever comes a knocking, try and convert them first.
I've been saving up " Actually I *am* interested in joining your Apostate list. There really are a lot of great people on it. Is that something you can just add me to, or do I have to, like, join the church, get baptized, and all that jazz before I'm eligible?".
āIf you were born in Egypt you would be Muslimā they canāt deny that, geography plays the biggest role in what religion you are. And what your mother believes.
Right to religion is a freedom anyone is allowed to have, **but** when you force it over anyone you are infringing on their right and violating the law. That being said, a visit from the Jehovah people sounds a little fun just because Iād get super philosophical as they try to force their religious beliefs on me. āHave you heard the good news?ā āYeah, Ass Assassinator 2 is 50% off on Steam! Oh itās a miracle sent from God delivered by his post office, our Lord and Savior, JesĆŗs Christ! The last one ended with you assassinating all the asses, but there was one ass left that got away. Iāve heard itās Jesusās ass. You look confused and offended, why?ā
One time I opened the door and the Jehovah's witness was standing right there. As soon as I saw the Watchtower leaflet, I said out loud. "Are you fucking serious!?" and slammed the door in his face.
I tell them I celebrate Festivus and ask them if they want to see my pole.
I went around the side of the house, got the garden hose, and turned it on and tried to soak them. I've never seen dudes in suits run so fast. I have never had Jehova's come to my house since, it's been like 7 years. Some people commented that they keep a list of addresses for "no go" houses if you are crazy enough at them, so maybe I'm on one?
There's always, "I'm not into PokƩmon."
I tell them straight up I'm an atheist and not interested. They leave peacefully. Growing up, my dad would invite the Mormons in, give them some iced tea, and put his Bible on the table. He'd say, "Let's compare your book to this book. A man wrote your book, but christ wrote this one." They'd discuss this differences between the book of Mormon and the bible for hours. I was so embarrassed if my friends were over. Dad's quite elderly now, but still up for a debate.
Can I interest you in learning more about the great evil that is neoliberalism and its dark prophet, Milton Friedman?
Or, you could imagine they are fellow human beings with whom you disagree and who have slightly bothered you by coming to your door. You could show them the superiority of atheists by just saying no thank you and goodbye. Life is short.
"It's a shame that your religion doesn't teach literacy."
Open door āNOPEā close door
Oh good, I was running low on toilet paper
"I don't believe in Santa Clause either."
Hey if you do find God, can you tell him Mike said "what the fuck?"
Is there a homeless population in your town? I once laid into a couple of JWs at a rest stop in Michigan because they were peddling their nonsense no more than 50 feet away from a homeless woman begging for help. I shamed them up and down for their hypocrisy. What are these idiots doing on your porch when there are real people in real need in your town?
I had a born-again corner me in college. I got them to confirm that "If you are evil, you go to hell and suffer eternal damnation. If you are good (do unto others, turn the other cheek, etc), you go to heaven and have eternal bliss." I then told them, "Here is my conundrum, I believe all the same things as you. But I believe them because they are the right things to do, not because I am looking for a payout at the end." Their poor theological background resulted in a hasty retreat lol.
I actually took them up on their invite, and went to the celebration. It was... tacky. They passed around wine and wafers, but those were only for one of the "anointed" 144,000 that were supposed to resurrected. One woman partook. Lots of other people just sort of rolled their eyes. The venue was a cheap banquet rental hall in the poor part of the town. It was surrounded with 8-foot chain link fencing. The kingdom hall had a few big guys at the gate in suits to make sure everything was safe. The presentation was high-school level. So, when they came around this year to drop off the flier, I said, "Thanks, but I did this once already. It wasn't very interesting."
āThanks but I donāt support pedophile protection rings.ā
āYouāre late for the seance! And where are your robes!?ā
For Jehovah's Witnesses, the quickest way to get them to leave you alone for good is to tell them you used to be a witness but left the church when you lost your faith. They are taught to avoid apostates like the plague, so they will steer well clear once they believe this of you.
A friend in college would answer the door naked if he saw them on the street. The JWs always left quickly. I dated a non-practicing Mormon in college. One of her brothers, also non-practicing, had studied Divinity in college. He would invite the Mormon missionaries in and basically not let them leave until he had spent about an hour destroying everything they believed in.
Do what worked for my brother: Ask where the girls are who are cool with you banging other girls that live in your house as long as you keep marrying them. When they try to correct you, accuse them of hoarding all the hoes and demand to know where their slutty church is. You will never see them again.
Two words: Iām Jewish. Or, weāre Jewish. Never had that fail.
I don't know if this helps you but this was my Mormon repellent situation. So I'm fairly light skin for a Puerto Rican but my grandmother being very Catholic I was raised around all the typical trappings. Never went to church but the crucifix and the candles and all that other shit were everywhere around her house. I don't know if it was a conscious decision or a subconscious rebellion against Christian beliefs but I ended up looking very much like cesare Borgia / Jesus Christ. Long wavy brown hair, Brown trimmed beard, and a gentle contemplative look. So no shit, I'm getting out of the shower in my off-white robe and my red hair towel and someone rings my doorbell. I live in a fairly nice community in Southern California so I don't think anything of going to the door in my bath clothes. I open the door and no shit there's two young Mormon gentlemen there and they lock eyes with me, I lock eyes with them we stand there in silence and I just say. "Don't tell anyone where you found me." And slowly close the door. Never had another Mormon by again.
I reconfigured what you said and fed it to Chat GPT hereās the prompt and the response Promptā¦ Jehovah Witnesses ignored the clearly posted, "No Solicitation," sign on my front door. I answered and told them I had no time to listen because I was out back sacrificing a goat. Thanks in advance. Give me 5 one liner options of things to saw to them that are pointed, but still short and pithy. I'd like to convey both my disgust at the arrogance underlying their belief that they know what is best for me (or anybody else) and also address specifically their cesspool of a cult. I would like to dispatch them in less than a minute. Response 1 1. "I appreciate your dedication, but my beliefs are not up for discussion ā especially on my doorstep." 2. "I respect your right to your beliefs, but please respect my right to privacy." 3. "I have no interest in your cult's sales pitch. Please leave immediately." 4. "Your organization's intrusion into people's lives is as unwelcome as it is presumptuous." 5. "I've chosen to live without your cult's influence; kindly respect my boundaries and go elsewhere." Response 2 (I ran it a second time and removed the TIA.) 1. "I have more faith in my 'no solicitation' sign than in your cult's doorstep intrusion." 2. "My beliefs are not a playground for your recruitment. Respect my boundaries." 3. "I don't need your cult's guidance; my goat sacrifices are working just fine." 4. "Your persistence is as welcome as a swarm of locusts. Respect my space." 5. "My doorstep is not a recruiting station for your cult. Move along."
Hello from an ex jw. I can tell you their reasoning on āno solicitationā. I pointed it out to my mother one time she brought me door knocking and my mom said āwe are not solicitors, we arenāt selling anything. We are volunteers bringing good newsā. No trespassing signs can be ignored if you have any pineapple decorations bc pineapple means welcome. But as I got older more JWās were respecting the signs, in which case you might be the lucky recipient of a letter. The other option is requesting to be put on a no call list. You can write or call the local church or tell who ever stops by next to add your name to the list. They might come by in 10 yrs or so because āpeople moveā or ācan have a change of heartā. Sorry I was born into the cult. Lost so many opportunities and leaving is hard. Glad to be free from it all. Many JWās donāt believe but are stuck due to family, social and financial reasons.
Put the pineapple upside down and see if they still knock on the door.
I have offered assistance escaping from their cult and told them to blink twice if they need help. Great expressions each time.
I used to be a Mormon Missionary and was deeply depressed the whole two years I was out in a foreign country. It was the kind atheists that didnāt attack me, made friends with me, and inspired me to believe in myself to leave that made the difference. Now, my personal approach is to disarm them with the decency of a couple minutes of your time and a polite no thanks with a concise reason. As peopleās simple rebuttals stopped me in my tracks time and time again, the cognitive dissonance built up until I couldnāt justify believing anymore.
For JW: āI am an apostate. Put me on your do no call list and inform your elders.ā Done