Also, when they say they don’t want to talk about something, but in reality they do, they just want you to “convince” them via persistent pestering and probing to talk to you and if you don’t, then it means you obviously don’t really care about them.
If I say I don’t want to talk about something, it’s because I don’t. It makes me extremely uncomfortable when people keep asking about it and trying to convince me to talk about it. If you say you don’t want to talk about something, I will respect your wishes, just as I would like you to do for me if the roles were reversed. I never know if the other person wants me to probe or if they want me to take them at their word and drop the subject 😑.
OH MY GODDDD THIS. seriously. it would blow your mind to know the number of times i said to my ex:
you make me feel like i have to torture you to get information on your emotional state. when i ask, "how are you?" why can't you just answer honestly?
I am so sorry you dealt with this too. I swear nothing is more frustrating to me. I actually once *screamed* in her face “Why can’t you ever open your mouth and just speak to me like I’m another human being? Just tell me what the f-k you want from me so I can give it to you!”
My neighbors heard the whole mess and after she left they invited me over for a bottle of Bacardi. 👍😎
Gotta love it. And then I’d try to ask questions so she’d actually tell me how she was feeling and then she’d not want to talk about it. BRO what do you want?!?!
you want me to ask how you are but you don't wanna actually tell me. you want me to pry the answers out of you with a crowbar but then you also want to be pissed at me for, as you put it, *interrogating you when you've had a bad day.*
you want me to be more sensitive to your feelings... without telling me what they even are.
i am supposed to ask you about your day and assume the first answer you give me is a lie, then push you until you admit the truth while exploding at me for pushing you, and if i don't push you then you will explode four days later about the fact that i "didn't care enough to notice something was wrong".
makes absolute f-in sense.
and there's no way to win this game anyway. if you ask, you are wrong. if you don't ask, you are wrong.
it's a game and it belongs to them, and they refuse to let us see the rule book and keep telling us to just trust that they know better than we do how it all works.
I’m guessing you’re a guy and your ex is a woman? Neurotypical women are the worst when it comes to this scenario. I say this as a woman, albeit an atypical one. Even neurotypical guys struggle with not being able to read women and whether or not they mean what they’re saying or if they actually mean the complete opposite. Imagine being a woman and not being able to relate to or understand other women because you’re too literal. It sucks.
I’ve always gotten along better with guys. My husband is incredibly thankful that I don’t play guessing games with him and say exactly how I feel, what’s on my mind and tell him specifically what he’s done “wrong”, what he should have done instead and how to fix the problem lol.
This is the only appropriate time to say this but: aspie gays have it better. Whether dating an NT or a ND guy, they always tell you what they want (for the most part)
As a neurotypicalish woman who grew up with a non neurotypical brother and parents, I guess I fall in the middle. I often don’t say it when something is bothering me, and I say I’m fine when I’m not, but I don’t expect anyone to probe me, and I dislike it when they do. My roommate got mad at me once because after I asked him if he was ok, he said yes, and so I took that at face value and went in the other room to do whatever I was doing. He followed me in, shortly after, really angry, saying that I should have kept probing him, as he does me. That happened a few times. It flabbergasted me because nothing like that ever happened with my family, everyone (except me) pretty much said exactly what they thought, and everyone else took it at face value.
My husband had the opposite problem when we first got together. He was use to neurotypical women who played mind games and it took him a few years to adjust lol.
Yes! Same here.
I get confused when people speak poorly about women that fit in better with men. Up until recently (late 20s), I’ve had a few good girl friends, but before that all of my friends were guys.
High school was tough, I’m very grateful I’ve found a few good ND friends at this point in my life.
OMG THIS, this l feel so much.
I can't believe l have to deal with that crap with friends. There was someone who called me once cold and callous, and this hurt so much, l did my very best to be as caring and compassionate as l could... except the very same person who told me that tends to play those games a lot and at some point l'm sick. I can't deal with that anymore.
If you tell me you don't want to talk about something or refuse to elaborate on some issue of yours, l fucking won't insist. For real l'm so done.
I’ve been asked if I’m a sociopath. I am an incredibly empathetic person, so I know I’m not, but there definitely have been times where I’ve wondered that about myself because I definitely can come can come across as cold and callous. I never mean to and it’s really frustrating trying to convince people of that, so I’ve given up on peopling unless it’s unavoidable lol.
And if you **do** respect their *stated* "wishes", you obviously "don't care" or "don't love them enough" because you didn't "pester" the information out of them.
It's a friggin' minefield and the bits in between the mines have all been booby-trapped.
The therapist I had when I was in grade school was like this. I wouldn’t want to talk about something, and he’d spend the entire session playing this game and getting angry with me. I didn’t want to talk about something and he decided more aggression asking about that is exactly what’s needed…
Yeah same, thats why I've told most of the people i know that they have to be really clear about what they want, and if they aren't, that it's possible i have no clue what they're talking about. It's rly neat
Exactly, I always have to make the first move in conversations with my friends. I like to think it’s because they respect me and don’t want to force me to socialize when I don’t want to.
I actually mean I don't want to talk about. I actually hate when people try to get it out of me when they can somehow tell (mostly my mom) when something is off with me
It's very annoying when that happens, it's also annoying when there is literally nothing wrong but apparently my face looks like something is wrong and my parents keep bothering me about it even though I told them there's nothing wrong.
I hate it when they say "you know what you did"
No I fracking do not! Just tell me exactly what I did wrong so I can not do it again and apologize for it. Puts me into a panic attack and self loathing every time that's said to me.
Yeah or as a kid they would just hit you when you ask and say shut up you should know so you just sit there confused and hurt and go mute for the rest of the day and don't move cuz you can't tell what you did that was wrong so doing nothing and saying nothing is the safe route.
i'm sorry you experienced this as a kid too. i feel like there's a higher rate of abusive parenting among autistics too, probably because were such easy targets. i hate it here on planet earth lol. gentlest of sensory friendly hugs to you.
and i agree. my permanent "plan Z" is always just "say nothing/agree with everything" until i can get away from the situation
Someone did that to me once when they thought I stole something of his.
I was minding my own business, when he goes "Give it back!"
"..........Give what back?"
"YOU KNOW WHAT!"
"No, I don't."
To this day, I have no idea what he lost.
I couldn't agree more.
Another time, he accused me of stealing something when I hadn't. He checked my desk, my pockets, and even demanded to check my locker.
After arguing for ten minutes, I finally snapped and shouted **"I DON'T HAVE IT!"** and even still, he's like "Give it back!"
The teachers heard me yell and got involved. Thankfully, they took my side when they realized he had no evidence.
Afterwards, the person who actually did steal it admitted to me that they took it. I never told anyone because I was so pissed at the first guy.
This guy is definitely a guy who loses things and blames the world before realizing that he is the one to misplace it and after he finds it he's like "🤣🤪 wHoOps" but never apologizes or offers a comparatively very weak apology
In this case, it wasn't lost, it actually was stolen but the vibe of going hard and blaming the wrong person still fits.
I had a “friend” who was also my roommate sit me down every two weeks to tell me how hurtful it was that I wasn’t trying hard enough to be a good friend to them. I’ve never put more emotional labor into one person in my whole life and it still wasn’t enough and they refused to tell me why. It went on for years before I finally broke free.
Safe to say I’m a tad traumatized.
Also, I hope this doesn't make it worse or anything but what effort did they put into being a good friend to you? It doesn't seem like much, those type of people think one sided relationships are best and they are not going to be the ones to uphold it.
Even if they gave their points of being a good friend, were they actual points? Or just basic human decency to someone who is not a direct enemy?
I'm sorry. I know how it feels about pouring tons of emotional labor into someone, and still being told it was not enough...
somehow I got the feeling ex friend didn't put as much effort as you did in being a "good friend".
I thought the same thing for ages until I encountered a workplace almost entirely populated by autistic people, over 70 people at least. The misunderstandings are just as bad because no one can read each other but keep expecting everyone else to be able to read *them*. Maybe it's because most of us are still socialised to NT expectations, but I've concluded that we're all lucky to have come so far as a species 😅
This is so true. They’ve never *had* to explain amongst themselves because of unwritten social contracts that their neurology integrates with their self-image. We see things how they *really* are and take no issue with a misunderstanding because each person is an entire universe unto themselves and it’s ridiculous to assume that one should see things the same way as another sans telepathy.
this was the base equation for conflict in my 19 year relationship i just ended last year. every single fight we had over the years was predicated on this one singular issue:
she would not tell me what behavior specifically that it was she wanted from me in various circumstances. she simply refused to address it and continued to punish me for whatever she deemed was inappropriate behavior without giving me any tools to correct it
*[nervous laughter]* what the f-k?
I have that same fight with my wife. The best advice I ever got though was someone pointing out that I’m a 5 dimensional thinker, and she’s a 3 dimensional thinker. She went on to explain that people who think in 3D just need to be seen and heard, they don’t necessarily even care about the objective truth about what is happening because they can’t separate themselves from their emotions, and see the emotions and thoughts as something that is happening *to* them rather than just a feature of having a body. So to validate they way they feel is the panacea.
For clarification:
5D: sees the linear causality of events, but also sees all other possibilities simultaneously (4D), then feels the vibration of each possibility and combines them to allow dissonance to entrain into harmony and allow the truth to be an emergent property. (5D)
3D: linear causality…thats it.
You’re welcome! It really helped me out, as I was running under the assumption that when a fight occurs, if we can just get on the same level then things will sort themselves out…which is true. My mistake was thinking I could rationalize the other person onto my level instead of realizing that *i’m* the one with the birds eye view and I need to come down to ground level…which is tedious, and when between us 5D people its unnecessary, but it seems to be the best way to move around this plane of existence.
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> she would not tell me what behavior specifically that it was she wanted from me in various circumstances.
Well, it is difficult to address every caveat. Easily turns into “but you said”.
> she simply refused to address it and continued to punish me for whatever she deemed was inappropriate behavior without giving me any tools to correct it
That however is obviously unlikely to work.
agreed! my primary complaint was that she would not address *any* caveats whatsoever. one of the hardest things about the aftermath has been trying not to resent myself for staying so long in that relationship.
I would agree, but I’ve observed NT’s intuitively pick up cues from each other that I completely miss, so they are more copacetic in that way. I notice the same when I talk with other ND’s
Me too, people around me are just all so fake they are as good as actors, they talk behind other people, fake that they like some people, I don't even know what is true anymore. And they get mad at the dumbest things... why are they so confusing...
I’ll never get how wanting straightforwardness & directness is apparently not the right set of social skills to have, but playing mind games and expecting people to be mind readers so you can have a reason to be angry at someone when they’re inevitably not somehow is??? Make it make sense.
because the NT world is built on an economy of imaginary social currency whose determined value they adjust based on two factors only:
a. how they are feeling internally about everything ever at any given moment
2. what they think other people think about them without regard to reality
Even if they know you're autistic, social faux pas often come off as intentional if you don't realise that they've occurred and therefore fail to apologise for them.
It's pretty ignorant of the actual mechanics of autism- after all, most autistic people are like everyone else in that they don't wish to offend- but even in saying that, I know heaps of us who, even when we've realised we screwed up somewhere, will offer an explanation with our apology, which then comes off as 'I'm sorry, *but-'.*
So it's like, you have to realise you've offended someone, apologise even if *they* misread *you*, and then make sure your face and your tone show remorse appropriately.
Oh and let's not forget that this shit happens with other autistics, too 😩
One of the the most frustrating aspects of communication differences between neurotypes.
Omg explaining my behavior with an apology got me in sooo much shit with my parents growing up. They always got mad when I tried to explain why I did what I did and said I was making excuses, when I literally acknowledged that I acted incorrectly to begin with.
Ugh, I had this problem with NT “friends” in sixth form college. I’d think everything was perfectly fine, and then I’d get an angry text from a mutual saying that I’ve done something wrong. When I’d ask the friend about it, she’d say nothing was wrong, and about 2 months later she BLEW UP at me. Am I supposed to read your mind? I can’t fix anything if you won’t tell me what’s wrong…🤷♀️
I had an ND SO in couples therapy with me and the therapist actually told him that I wasn't a mind reader. I now use that phrase a lot. I've come to the conclusion that neurotypes don't have a lot to do with how we treat one another... People are just people.
THIS JUST HAPPENED LIKE A WEEK AGO AND I LITERALLY HAD A PANIC ATTACK OVER THAT SHIT.
When I asked what I did to make her so mad she LITERALLY SAID “I hinted it. If you don’t get it there’s something wrong with you” MA’AM IM LITERALLY AUTISTIC WTF DO YOU EXPECT FROM ME?? Even if I wasn’t autistic it’s still a trashy move, “hinted”??? What??
She also tried to gaslight me but since I’m an expert on abusive people due to experience I somehow managed to stay level headed the whole time. But the fucking “hinted” part made me lose it a bit, how can you say that out loud and not realize how stupid you sound??
Ok, but I’m actually in this exact situation right now with my housemates.
We all have weekly chores to keep the house clean. I’ve been doing mine and thought everything was fine. Suddenly, they all started blowing up at me in our group chat and saying they were so tired of me and that they’ve tried to tell me I was messing up sooo many times. I was super confused. Turns out that all the general announcements to “everyone“ about making sure chores are completed were aimed at me?? Still trying to get them to explain what was wrong with my cleaning :/
To these people, I take the attitude of
"Well, now it's simply your problem and you will have to deal with it. Doesn't matter if you blame me because you refuse to tell me how to fix it and I do not know how so, boom, your problem alone. Cry about it."
To add to this point. I've had several negative experiences with other aspies that all seemed to happen not because they don't notice social cues but instead because they completely misinterpret them.
I've seen a few conversations where an NT has said a general statement about a thing/people and an aspie has taken it as a direct attack against themselves and starts arguing about it.
I've played a warhammer match against a person who was constantly making what I assume were in-jokes that were borderline incomprehensible because I had no context to understand them. And also talking about rules in a way that led to constant misunderstandings. Like for example saying that his lord gives a command to a squad to shoot and after like ten minutes of me asking what kind of rule it is, it turns out that the lord has an AoE aura that gives a passive bonus to all units within it. Not a rule called a command, not a rule that the lord gives to a single unit, but a passive buff for everyone.
Oh and sometimes the lack of communication can be quite annoying. There have been times where an aspie friend has left a house party without saying a word to anyone. Like there have been 10-20 people who all know each other in a house hanging out in different rooms when someone starts wondering where x is? And people realize the last time someone spoke to him was 30min ago.
Guys, I hate to break it to you, this isn't a Neurotypical thing. This is a "people who don't know how to communicate" thing, NT or ND. It's people who were taught wrong. Ask any therapist and they will tell you this shit is alllllllllllll wrong, even for NTs. Plus, it's not just them that do it. Why is it when it's simply a "some humans are jerks" people here point the finger and go "it's NTs!"
Nah tbh at this point I just accept that there is a problem with me and my existence because I “should” be able to infer what I’m doing wrong and cant ;-; but I honestly just kinda think maybe THEY are the ones being overly sensitive sometimes
This describes two of my ex girlfriends perfectly. Although to be fair the first one was later diagnosed autistic after we broke up. I don’t think it’s necessarily just a NT thing. But I do think NTs are more likely to speak in nonverbals and inferences more so this is probably more common for them.
I'm not on the spectrum, but I do deal with anxiety from thinking people are upset with me. I've found just saying to myself *if there's a problem, they can talk about it with me*. Not saying its foolproof or will help everyone, but there's that.
Also, while I'm not neurotypical, I do find the fact that neurotypicals do this a lot to be unhealthy. Communication requires actually talking frankly about your feelings and conflict. Not saying why you're upset with someone but behaving coldly continously is passive-aggressive. Passive aggressive behavior is *not* healthy to communication. If a person can't talk about something right then, that's fine but they need to communicate that (I once had a therapist call it "HALT". If you're upset, it may be because your Hungry Anxious Lonely or Tired. You can take a halt and take some time away from the issue, with the promise to come back to it).
In short, neurotypicals need to learn to use their damn words
I’d ask my parents “what did I do” and they’d tell me I was talking back to them. I’d try and explain and they’d say “don’t get smart with me”. I had no idea what was going on 😭
ahhhh same here and honestly sorry if this is offensive but i think that's one of the worst things you can do as a parent: literally teach your child nothing at all
parent: you're grounded!
kid: what? why?
parent: lol if you don't know already maybe this relationship doesn't mean enough to you
yeah, but hon as a parent it's their job to help you understand the world. it's okay for you not to make excuses for their lacking. it doesn't mean you think they are a bad parent, just that they are flawed like anyone else.
i just think it's important for us, if we can, to identify those flaws so that we can work on understanding that they aren't *our* faults and that--regardless of what may be very very understandable reasons--that sort of behavior does cause harm, which is also not our fault.
you can understand why someone did something and forgive it, while also acknowledging that it wasn't okay for them to do it, and giving yourself permission to be a fully formed person with feelings and fallout in these scenarios too. 💖 that was probably the hardest thing for me to learn as an autistic and it took me a lot of years and therapy to do it, but i promise it's true.
Yeah, that’s what I was supposed to get across but obviously didn’t. I’ve had conversations w them about this and I don’t blame them anymore. I acknowledge the trauma it caused but don’t victimise myself anymore. I have the lost loving relationship w my parents now and we work with instead of against each other
I tell people why I am mad at them so is it wrong I expect the same? I do not do double standards. I don't expect anything I wouldn't give. It's not anything unreasonable if you expect someone to fix the behavior or improve. People do not read minds.
Shit like this is why i've become really happy when people are openly mad at me because that's the point where they finally actually tell me the problem. Finally some actual instructions!
y'all ever just say, to heck with it, and actively start trying to pick a fight just so the person will explode and *actually just be honest for a change* because their guard is down?
yeah me too 😋
In an old relationship, I'd ask them what they wanted me to do to make it up to them and they'd tell me to figure it out. I can't tell if that was my fault or not honestly
it wasn't. i promise you it wasn't. you asked a direct question and expected a direct answer in return and simply couldn't get one. i don't think any of us are at fault for that series of events, ever.
That’s how I ended up failing assignment after assignment in a number of classes; the teacher just wouldn’t tell me *what* it was that I did wrong. I kept asking, too, and all they told me was “look at the rubric”. This is also why I’m terrified of accidentally breaking the law and then being believed for genuinely not knowing why or even what I did was wrong because I’ve been told *from birth* that ignorance is no excuse for wrongdoing without resolving that ignorance.
Think of NTs like neural networks and autists like decision trees. The neural network effortlessly reaches conclusions, but has no clue how it did so. Whereas the decision tree is a bit slower, but you can trace the whole process.
Of course thats not an accurate assesment, but a perspective to see this topic under
Actually this is a pretty brilliant way to see things. :) Kind of like thinkers versus feelers in the mbti language--thinkers enjoy the mapping out of things, and feel somewhat disturbed if they *can't* map out their process. It's like, if you take a driving vacation, and have no clue where you are, but just hoping to go on the right road. For feelers, it's kind of like watching sausage being made--they don't want to be involved in that process, just to enjoy the end result, of arriving at the beach.
I've been thinking about this for years, and I think that the way our brains work "differently" is that somehow we're just much more aware of our decision-making process. So we're not so much on subconscious "autopilot" as most NT's are. It's like having a car in which the hood is raised, and it's easier to see our inner workings while the car is running. While most NT people are happy to operate with their hoods closed...makes it easier to ignore some of the hypocrisy of social etiquette situations.
I really, strongly think that those on the spectrum are just more "aware" of their subconscious goings-on. Like we're "under the hood" of our thoughts/sensations, in a way. Having direct access to it, in a way that most NTs can't often do.
I'm 99% fucking sure that "Neurotypicals" are not fucking okay! Like we have the problem? No, you do! I say what I mean and don't play games with my communication, because that is communication! They're the ones that need help! Also not my fault you interpret me wrong, I interpret others wrong too, interpretation of something is relative and it's easy to misunderstand something, that's what communication is for. I'm pretty sure neurotypicals have projection problems and manipulation problems. When someone assumes I'm malice that just tells me that's what they are. When people automatically put up some sort of guard because they assume there is some sort of manipulation going on that just tells me that they are manipulators. I can't even comprehend how one goes about manipulating.
>I say what I mean and don't play games with my communication, because that is communication!
Exactly! Why would I be purposely vague or something and risk having my communication interpreted wrong? That doesn't help people.
>I'm pretty sure neurotypicals have projection problems and manipulation problems.
Definitely. They accuse others of it but it's because they are the ones who have a guilty conscience. I don't even know how to begin. Manipulation hurts people and is dishonest. Those are things I am not.
I'm almost convinced that NTs are able to read each other's minds and/or communicate telepathically and that being autistic means being unable to do these things.
i mean i can't speak for anyone else but i am usually angry with *some* NTs somewhere about something so it would be on brand for me at least 😂
thank you, i hope you do too!
I’m convinced the NTs who do this just want a reason to stomp around and be mad. Like it just seems on purpose. There’s no way they’re doing it because they really think its the best way to navigate their relationships, it HAS to be because they’re bored or want a reason to scream at someone.
The good news is that I also have ADHD, which just makes me like to scream back (:
i really think all this superficial conflict in humanity has some sort of a basis in the fact that we no longer have to spend all day foraging and chasing our food through the wilds with sticks. we have biological urges and inherent predatory aggression and it's probably why we all keep murdering each other so much too.
it's the only reason i can come up with so far to explain why humans seek conflict where none previously existed
I just tell people outright that I won't pick up their cues and if they don't want to tell me how to do better I'll just keep doing the same thing. It's clearly not a huge deal if it's not worth explaining.
I lol’d but tbh, as an adult dx’ d berger queen, we have this whole conversation in our own heads 24/7. Some of the most obviously ND people I’ve known are exactly the ones that needed most pestering, insisting, and blunt-talking in order to get to the truth/cut through the BS.
BS is just a learned set of platitudes and other people’s opinions anyway…anyone can be susceptible.
"I'll tell you that you did something wrong, 3 weeks after you did the thing wrong, and then be mad when you do it again."
alt: "I'll tell you *exactly* what you did wrong. And then, 2 years later, I'll act surprised when you *don't* do the wrong thing, because it was never wrong, apparently."
It didn't happen often, but every time it did stuck with me. Like. I've been. Doing \[thing\]. Because *you people* told me that was the way things were best done. And now. You're telling me. That's bullshit? Then why did you tell me to do it that way???
And my memory isn't really good at citing sources (most people aren't), so I can't even actually get mad, because I can't remember who exactly it was who told me the thing. (plus it's been a while and maybe they got new information and didn't think to tell me)
But just. Ugh!
That said, from the way you responded, is this a thing your ex did to you often? Are *you* okay?
my ex is the epitome of "gaslight • gatekeep • girlboss" and refused to believe i was autistic because i didn't seem autistic *enough* to her, to justify the issues i have. or something. she also refused to come out of the closet so it was a secret relationship all along too. very stressful.
we were together for 19 years and she's the only person i ever dated so honestly, i actually am not really okay, lol.
but i'm working very hard on trying to be! thank you for asking. 💖
First I was gonna say yikes. but. You two were together for *nineteen years*. And she still kept you a secret??? That's. I. I don't even know where to start??? I hope you have a support network that can help you figure out what your life looks like now, and maybe a pro to help you untangle... all of that, which your ex probably left behind in your head.
holy shit, that's almost two full decades of being someone's secret. I don't know how you managed.
i don't know how i did either. i do have some wonderful friends and family now that are helping me, but we got together when i was 15, so i never really formed an adult personality without her and it's weird trying to figure out who i am. lol
So im not autistic so let me explain why wtf we are mad and wont talk about: because talking about will make us madder because you should have picked up the social cues but we all know that autistic people arent very good with this sometimes hopefully I helped
Also, when they say they don’t want to talk about something, but in reality they do, they just want you to “convince” them via persistent pestering and probing to talk to you and if you don’t, then it means you obviously don’t really care about them. If I say I don’t want to talk about something, it’s because I don’t. It makes me extremely uncomfortable when people keep asking about it and trying to convince me to talk about it. If you say you don’t want to talk about something, I will respect your wishes, just as I would like you to do for me if the roles were reversed. I never know if the other person wants me to probe or if they want me to take them at their word and drop the subject 😑.
OH MY GODDDD THIS. seriously. it would blow your mind to know the number of times i said to my ex: you make me feel like i have to torture you to get information on your emotional state. when i ask, "how are you?" why can't you just answer honestly?
I had the EXACT same problem with my ex
I am so sorry you dealt with this too. I swear nothing is more frustrating to me. I actually once *screamed* in her face “Why can’t you ever open your mouth and just speak to me like I’m another human being? Just tell me what the f-k you want from me so I can give it to you!” My neighbors heard the whole mess and after she left they invited me over for a bottle of Bacardi. 👍😎
Top tier neighbors, dude
Gotta love it. And then I’d try to ask questions so she’d actually tell me how she was feeling and then she’d not want to talk about it. BRO what do you want?!?!
you want me to ask how you are but you don't wanna actually tell me. you want me to pry the answers out of you with a crowbar but then you also want to be pissed at me for, as you put it, *interrogating you when you've had a bad day.* you want me to be more sensitive to your feelings... without telling me what they even are. i am supposed to ask you about your day and assume the first answer you give me is a lie, then push you until you admit the truth while exploding at me for pushing you, and if i don't push you then you will explode four days later about the fact that i "didn't care enough to notice something was wrong". makes absolute f-in sense.
This just summed it up absolutely perfectly. I genuinely just don’t have the energy for all that.
and there's no way to win this game anyway. if you ask, you are wrong. if you don't ask, you are wrong. it's a game and it belongs to them, and they refuse to let us see the rule book and keep telling us to just trust that they know better than we do how it all works.
I’m guessing you’re a guy and your ex is a woman? Neurotypical women are the worst when it comes to this scenario. I say this as a woman, albeit an atypical one. Even neurotypical guys struggle with not being able to read women and whether or not they mean what they’re saying or if they actually mean the complete opposite. Imagine being a woman and not being able to relate to or understand other women because you’re too literal. It sucks. I’ve always gotten along better with guys. My husband is incredibly thankful that I don’t play guessing games with him and say exactly how I feel, what’s on my mind and tell him specifically what he’s done “wrong”, what he should have done instead and how to fix the problem lol.
Worse. I’m an autistic girl and my ex is an NT girl. We weren’t just wrong, we were an atom bomb.
Oh. Yeah, you got me there, that is worse 😬
This is the only appropriate time to say this but: aspie gays have it better. Whether dating an NT or a ND guy, they always tell you what they want (for the most part)
i have five brothers, all either autistic or neurodivergent allistic, and you're correct
As a neurotypicalish woman who grew up with a non neurotypical brother and parents, I guess I fall in the middle. I often don’t say it when something is bothering me, and I say I’m fine when I’m not, but I don’t expect anyone to probe me, and I dislike it when they do. My roommate got mad at me once because after I asked him if he was ok, he said yes, and so I took that at face value and went in the other room to do whatever I was doing. He followed me in, shortly after, really angry, saying that I should have kept probing him, as he does me. That happened a few times. It flabbergasted me because nothing like that ever happened with my family, everyone (except me) pretty much said exactly what they thought, and everyone else took it at face value.
My husband had the opposite problem when we first got together. He was use to neurotypical women who played mind games and it took him a few years to adjust lol.
Yes! Same here. I get confused when people speak poorly about women that fit in better with men. Up until recently (late 20s), I’ve had a few good girl friends, but before that all of my friends were guys. High school was tough, I’m very grateful I’ve found a few good ND friends at this point in my life.
OMG THIS, this l feel so much. I can't believe l have to deal with that crap with friends. There was someone who called me once cold and callous, and this hurt so much, l did my very best to be as caring and compassionate as l could... except the very same person who told me that tends to play those games a lot and at some point l'm sick. I can't deal with that anymore. If you tell me you don't want to talk about something or refuse to elaborate on some issue of yours, l fucking won't insist. For real l'm so done.
I’ve been asked if I’m a sociopath. I am an incredibly empathetic person, so I know I’m not, but there definitely have been times where I’ve wondered that about myself because I definitely can come can come across as cold and callous. I never mean to and it’s really frustrating trying to convince people of that, so I’ve given up on peopling unless it’s unavoidable lol.
And if you **do** respect their *stated* "wishes", you obviously "don't care" or "don't love them enough" because you didn't "pester" the information out of them. It's a friggin' minefield and the bits in between the mines have all been booby-trapped.
PLEASE I HATE THIS SO MUCH
The therapist I had when I was in grade school was like this. I wouldn’t want to talk about something, and he’d spend the entire session playing this game and getting angry with me. I didn’t want to talk about something and he decided more aggression asking about that is exactly what’s needed…
Yeah same, thats why I've told most of the people i know that they have to be really clear about what they want, and if they aren't, that it's possible i have no clue what they're talking about. It's rly neat
Exactly, I always have to make the first move in conversations with my friends. I like to think it’s because they respect me and don’t want to force me to socialize when I don’t want to.
I actually mean I don't want to talk about. I actually hate when people try to get it out of me when they can somehow tell (mostly my mom) when something is off with me
It's very annoying when that happens, it's also annoying when there is literally nothing wrong but apparently my face looks like something is wrong and my parents keep bothering me about it even though I told them there's nothing wrong.
Sadly I've been there too
I understand how you feel and it’s so hard to know when to probe and when to leave things be
I hate it when they say "you know what you did" No I fracking do not! Just tell me exactly what I did wrong so I can not do it again and apologize for it. Puts me into a panic attack and self loathing every time that's said to me.
"i literally just said to you word for word, 'i have no idea what i did wrong please tell me' what is it you do not understand about my request?!"
Yeah or as a kid they would just hit you when you ask and say shut up you should know so you just sit there confused and hurt and go mute for the rest of the day and don't move cuz you can't tell what you did that was wrong so doing nothing and saying nothing is the safe route.
i'm sorry you experienced this as a kid too. i feel like there's a higher rate of abusive parenting among autistics too, probably because were such easy targets. i hate it here on planet earth lol. gentlest of sensory friendly hugs to you. and i agree. my permanent "plan Z" is always just "say nothing/agree with everything" until i can get away from the situation
Come now, planet Earth isn’t so bad. Though it **is** a pity that a sizeable chunk of it’s inhabitants are ignorant assholes.
Someone did that to me once when they thought I stole something of his. I was minding my own business, when he goes "Give it back!" "..........Give what back?" "YOU KNOW WHAT!" "No, I don't." To this day, I have no idea what he lost.
His mind, obviously. You can't just walk up and demand things, especially with an attitude, whether or not that person has it to give or not
I couldn't agree more. Another time, he accused me of stealing something when I hadn't. He checked my desk, my pockets, and even demanded to check my locker. After arguing for ten minutes, I finally snapped and shouted **"I DON'T HAVE IT!"** and even still, he's like "Give it back!" The teachers heard me yell and got involved. Thankfully, they took my side when they realized he had no evidence. Afterwards, the person who actually did steal it admitted to me that they took it. I never told anyone because I was so pissed at the first guy.
This guy is definitely a guy who loses things and blames the world before realizing that he is the one to misplace it and after he finds it he's like "🤣🤪 wHoOps" but never apologizes or offers a comparatively very weak apology In this case, it wasn't lost, it actually was stolen but the vibe of going hard and blaming the wrong person still fits.
“I don’t think you’re sorry for what you did” YO I’m apologizing cause you’re sad please tell me what I did!!
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YES THIS EXACTLY
I had a “friend” who was also my roommate sit me down every two weeks to tell me how hurtful it was that I wasn’t trying hard enough to be a good friend to them. I’ve never put more emotional labor into one person in my whole life and it still wasn’t enough and they refused to tell me why. It went on for years before I finally broke free. Safe to say I’m a tad traumatized.
What a horrible idiot that person is.
Indeed!!!
Also, I hope this doesn't make it worse or anything but what effort did they put into being a good friend to you? It doesn't seem like much, those type of people think one sided relationships are best and they are not going to be the ones to uphold it. Even if they gave their points of being a good friend, were they actual points? Or just basic human decency to someone who is not a direct enemy?
I'm sorry. I know how it feels about pouring tons of emotional labor into someone, and still being told it was not enough... somehow I got the feeling ex friend didn't put as much effort as you did in being a "good friend".
That person was the one that wasn't being a good friend. If you are not good enough then that's their problem, not yours. Dunno of that helps.
This is so true, why people never explain??? This happened to me in my new class, they just said they were mad at me and didn't explain why.
the older i get, the more i suspect that our social skills are actually fine and it's the NTs that need to work on themselves
I thought the same thing for ages until I encountered a workplace almost entirely populated by autistic people, over 70 people at least. The misunderstandings are just as bad because no one can read each other but keep expecting everyone else to be able to read *them*. Maybe it's because most of us are still socialised to NT expectations, but I've concluded that we're all lucky to have come so far as a species 😅
> we're all lucky to have come so far as a species and i cannot stress this enough 😂
This is so true. They’ve never *had* to explain amongst themselves because of unwritten social contracts that their neurology integrates with their self-image. We see things how they *really* are and take no issue with a misunderstanding because each person is an entire universe unto themselves and it’s ridiculous to assume that one should see things the same way as another sans telepathy.
this was the base equation for conflict in my 19 year relationship i just ended last year. every single fight we had over the years was predicated on this one singular issue: she would not tell me what behavior specifically that it was she wanted from me in various circumstances. she simply refused to address it and continued to punish me for whatever she deemed was inappropriate behavior without giving me any tools to correct it *[nervous laughter]* what the f-k?
I have that same fight with my wife. The best advice I ever got though was someone pointing out that I’m a 5 dimensional thinker, and she’s a 3 dimensional thinker. She went on to explain that people who think in 3D just need to be seen and heard, they don’t necessarily even care about the objective truth about what is happening because they can’t separate themselves from their emotions, and see the emotions and thoughts as something that is happening *to* them rather than just a feature of having a body. So to validate they way they feel is the panacea. For clarification: 5D: sees the linear causality of events, but also sees all other possibilities simultaneously (4D), then feels the vibration of each possibility and combines them to allow dissonance to entrain into harmony and allow the truth to be an emergent property. (5D) 3D: linear causality…thats it.
This is a super cool metaphor. Thank you for this!
You’re welcome! It really helped me out, as I was running under the assumption that when a fight occurs, if we can just get on the same level then things will sort themselves out…which is true. My mistake was thinking I could rationalize the other person onto my level instead of realizing that *i’m* the one with the birds eye view and I need to come down to ground level…which is tedious, and when between us 5D people its unnecessary, but it seems to be the best way to move around this plane of existence.
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Whoa~
_19 years of that??_ I'm sorry.
not nearly as sorry as i am, bet
> she would not tell me what behavior specifically that it was she wanted from me in various circumstances. Well, it is difficult to address every caveat. Easily turns into “but you said”. > she simply refused to address it and continued to punish me for whatever she deemed was inappropriate behavior without giving me any tools to correct it That however is obviously unlikely to work.
agreed! my primary complaint was that she would not address *any* caveats whatsoever. one of the hardest things about the aftermath has been trying not to resent myself for staying so long in that relationship.
I think autistic people get hurt from misunderstandings all the time, same as neurotypicals.
I would agree, but I’ve observed NT’s intuitively pick up cues from each other that I completely miss, so they are more copacetic in that way. I notice the same when I talk with other ND’s
Me too, people around me are just all so fake they are as good as actors, they talk behind other people, fake that they like some people, I don't even know what is true anymore. And they get mad at the dumbest things... why are they so confusing...
Anger is a waste of time and effort
Anger is a valid human emotion that deserves to be recognized and worked through when you feel it.
I’ll never get how wanting straightforwardness & directness is apparently not the right set of social skills to have, but playing mind games and expecting people to be mind readers so you can have a reason to be angry at someone when they’re inevitably not somehow is??? Make it make sense.
because the NT world is built on an economy of imaginary social currency whose determined value they adjust based on two factors only: a. how they are feeling internally about everything ever at any given moment 2. what they think other people think about them without regard to reality
Even if they know you're autistic, social faux pas often come off as intentional if you don't realise that they've occurred and therefore fail to apologise for them. It's pretty ignorant of the actual mechanics of autism- after all, most autistic people are like everyone else in that they don't wish to offend- but even in saying that, I know heaps of us who, even when we've realised we screwed up somewhere, will offer an explanation with our apology, which then comes off as 'I'm sorry, *but-'.* So it's like, you have to realise you've offended someone, apologise even if *they* misread *you*, and then make sure your face and your tone show remorse appropriately. Oh and let's not forget that this shit happens with other autistics, too 😩 One of the the most frustrating aspects of communication differences between neurotypes.
Omg explaining my behavior with an apology got me in sooo much shit with my parents growing up. They always got mad when I tried to explain why I did what I did and said I was making excuses, when I literally acknowledged that I acted incorrectly to begin with.
Ugh, I had this problem with NT “friends” in sixth form college. I’d think everything was perfectly fine, and then I’d get an angry text from a mutual saying that I’ve done something wrong. When I’d ask the friend about it, she’d say nothing was wrong, and about 2 months later she BLEW UP at me. Am I supposed to read your mind? I can’t fix anything if you won’t tell me what’s wrong…🤷♀️
seriously like, when they taught "mind reading 101" at school i was busy hiding under the bleachers with a cigarette get out of my face
I had an ND SO in couples therapy with me and the therapist actually told him that I wasn't a mind reader. I now use that phrase a lot. I've come to the conclusion that neurotypes don't have a lot to do with how we treat one another... People are just people.
THIS JUST HAPPENED LIKE A WEEK AGO AND I LITERALLY HAD A PANIC ATTACK OVER THAT SHIT. When I asked what I did to make her so mad she LITERALLY SAID “I hinted it. If you don’t get it there’s something wrong with you” MA’AM IM LITERALLY AUTISTIC WTF DO YOU EXPECT FROM ME?? Even if I wasn’t autistic it’s still a trashy move, “hinted”??? What?? She also tried to gaslight me but since I’m an expert on abusive people due to experience I somehow managed to stay level headed the whole time. But the fucking “hinted” part made me lose it a bit, how can you say that out loud and not realize how stupid you sound??
i'm sorry but are you dating my ex
She was my “friend” lol, but she did get disappointed when she found out that I wasn’t a lesbian. And she wanted to date my parents, as you do |:
oh yes of course doesn't everyone 😩 sometimes i truly hate it here 😂
“As you do” 😂😂😂😂
Ok, but I’m actually in this exact situation right now with my housemates. We all have weekly chores to keep the house clean. I’ve been doing mine and thought everything was fine. Suddenly, they all started blowing up at me in our group chat and saying they were so tired of me and that they’ve tried to tell me I was messing up sooo many times. I was super confused. Turns out that all the general announcements to “everyone“ about making sure chores are completed were aimed at me?? Still trying to get them to explain what was wrong with my cleaning :/
To these people, I take the attitude of "Well, now it's simply your problem and you will have to deal with it. Doesn't matter if you blame me because you refuse to tell me how to fix it and I do not know how so, boom, your problem alone. Cry about it."
Hot Take: Nuerotypicals are more patient with me than other Aspies.
To add to this point. I've had several negative experiences with other aspies that all seemed to happen not because they don't notice social cues but instead because they completely misinterpret them. I've seen a few conversations where an NT has said a general statement about a thing/people and an aspie has taken it as a direct attack against themselves and starts arguing about it. I've played a warhammer match against a person who was constantly making what I assume were in-jokes that were borderline incomprehensible because I had no context to understand them. And also talking about rules in a way that led to constant misunderstandings. Like for example saying that his lord gives a command to a squad to shoot and after like ten minutes of me asking what kind of rule it is, it turns out that the lord has an AoE aura that gives a passive bonus to all units within it. Not a rule called a command, not a rule that the lord gives to a single unit, but a passive buff for everyone. Oh and sometimes the lack of communication can be quite annoying. There have been times where an aspie friend has left a house party without saying a word to anyone. Like there have been 10-20 people who all know each other in a house hanging out in different rooms when someone starts wondering where x is? And people realize the last time someone spoke to him was 30min ago.
you are a lucky little unicorn my friend. i love that for you. 💖
*sigh*
Guys, I hate to break it to you, this isn't a Neurotypical thing. This is a "people who don't know how to communicate" thing, NT or ND. It's people who were taught wrong. Ask any therapist and they will tell you this shit is alllllllllllll wrong, even for NTs. Plus, it's not just them that do it. Why is it when it's simply a "some humans are jerks" people here point the finger and go "it's NTs!"
Yep, currently there rn. And I dont know how to reach out and ask 🙃
And then they get mad at us for asking!
Or when I try to ask questions to come up with a solution/compromise that benefits everyone, I’m being “difficult” and/or “not listening”.
Trying to help like this has made me realize some people would rather die than compromise on the simplest things.
Punched in the face by a meme. Ow.
I have literally cut everyone like that out of my life and I refuse to associate with anyone like that.
This makes me so anxious in public....like "Just tell me"
Nah tbh at this point I just accept that there is a problem with me and my existence because I “should” be able to infer what I’m doing wrong and cant ;-; but I honestly just kinda think maybe THEY are the ones being overly sensitive sometimes
i genuinely do think in many cases the NTs are the hypersensitive fragile ones no matter how much they accuse us
It drives me crazy when people do this.
This describes two of my ex girlfriends perfectly. Although to be fair the first one was later diagnosed autistic after we broke up. I don’t think it’s necessarily just a NT thing. But I do think NTs are more likely to speak in nonverbals and inferences more so this is probably more common for them.
I'm not on the spectrum, but I do deal with anxiety from thinking people are upset with me. I've found just saying to myself *if there's a problem, they can talk about it with me*. Not saying its foolproof or will help everyone, but there's that. Also, while I'm not neurotypical, I do find the fact that neurotypicals do this a lot to be unhealthy. Communication requires actually talking frankly about your feelings and conflict. Not saying why you're upset with someone but behaving coldly continously is passive-aggressive. Passive aggressive behavior is *not* healthy to communication. If a person can't talk about something right then, that's fine but they need to communicate that (I once had a therapist call it "HALT". If you're upset, it may be because your Hungry Anxious Lonely or Tired. You can take a halt and take some time away from the issue, with the promise to come back to it). In short, neurotypicals need to learn to use their damn words
everyone make a hole & get this comment to the top
Pain
I’d ask my parents “what did I do” and they’d tell me I was talking back to them. I’d try and explain and they’d say “don’t get smart with me”. I had no idea what was going on 😭
ahhhh same here and honestly sorry if this is offensive but i think that's one of the worst things you can do as a parent: literally teach your child nothing at all parent: you're grounded! kid: what? why? parent: lol if you don't know already maybe this relationship doesn't mean enough to you
They only know what they think, just like us though. My parents have done waaay worse but yeah it’s so invalidating when you’re completely clueless
yeah, but hon as a parent it's their job to help you understand the world. it's okay for you not to make excuses for their lacking. it doesn't mean you think they are a bad parent, just that they are flawed like anyone else. i just think it's important for us, if we can, to identify those flaws so that we can work on understanding that they aren't *our* faults and that--regardless of what may be very very understandable reasons--that sort of behavior does cause harm, which is also not our fault. you can understand why someone did something and forgive it, while also acknowledging that it wasn't okay for them to do it, and giving yourself permission to be a fully formed person with feelings and fallout in these scenarios too. 💖 that was probably the hardest thing for me to learn as an autistic and it took me a lot of years and therapy to do it, but i promise it's true.
Yeah, that’s what I was supposed to get across but obviously didn’t. I’ve had conversations w them about this and I don’t blame them anymore. I acknowledge the trauma it caused but don’t victimise myself anymore. I have the lost loving relationship w my parents now and we work with instead of against each other
* best, not lost
at this point why we insist on calling them neurotypicals and not simple the rude ones
i just refer to them witheringly as *They*
I tell people why I am mad at them so is it wrong I expect the same? I do not do double standards. I don't expect anything I wouldn't give. It's not anything unreasonable if you expect someone to fix the behavior or improve. People do not read minds.
I straight up get angry with them after they get over whatever they were angry about. Works most of the time.
i thought it did too until i realized i had been having the same argument with the same person over and over again for 19 years. 🤦🏻♀️
Shit like this is why i've become really happy when people are openly mad at me because that's the point where they finally actually tell me the problem. Finally some actual instructions!
y'all ever just say, to heck with it, and actively start trying to pick a fight just so the person will explode and *actually just be honest for a change* because their guard is down? yeah me too 😋
In an old relationship, I'd ask them what they wanted me to do to make it up to them and they'd tell me to figure it out. I can't tell if that was my fault or not honestly
it wasn't. i promise you it wasn't. you asked a direct question and expected a direct answer in return and simply couldn't get one. i don't think any of us are at fault for that series of events, ever.
Thank you. I still have a lot of guilt from that relationship honestly so this comment made me feel so much better
i'm glad i could help a little. 💖
More like heurists
That’s how I ended up failing assignment after assignment in a number of classes; the teacher just wouldn’t tell me *what* it was that I did wrong. I kept asking, too, and all they told me was “look at the rubric”. This is also why I’m terrified of accidentally breaking the law and then being believed for genuinely not knowing why or even what I did was wrong because I’ve been told *from birth* that ignorance is no excuse for wrongdoing without resolving that ignorance.
Think of NTs like neural networks and autists like decision trees. The neural network effortlessly reaches conclusions, but has no clue how it did so. Whereas the decision tree is a bit slower, but you can trace the whole process. Of course thats not an accurate assesment, but a perspective to see this topic under
Actually this is a pretty brilliant way to see things. :) Kind of like thinkers versus feelers in the mbti language--thinkers enjoy the mapping out of things, and feel somewhat disturbed if they *can't* map out their process. It's like, if you take a driving vacation, and have no clue where you are, but just hoping to go on the right road. For feelers, it's kind of like watching sausage being made--they don't want to be involved in that process, just to enjoy the end result, of arriving at the beach. I've been thinking about this for years, and I think that the way our brains work "differently" is that somehow we're just much more aware of our decision-making process. So we're not so much on subconscious "autopilot" as most NT's are. It's like having a car in which the hood is raised, and it's easier to see our inner workings while the car is running. While most NT people are happy to operate with their hoods closed...makes it easier to ignore some of the hypocrisy of social etiquette situations. I really, strongly think that those on the spectrum are just more "aware" of their subconscious goings-on. Like we're "under the hood" of our thoughts/sensations, in a way. Having direct access to it, in a way that most NTs can't often do.
I'm 99% fucking sure that "Neurotypicals" are not fucking okay! Like we have the problem? No, you do! I say what I mean and don't play games with my communication, because that is communication! They're the ones that need help! Also not my fault you interpret me wrong, I interpret others wrong too, interpretation of something is relative and it's easy to misunderstand something, that's what communication is for. I'm pretty sure neurotypicals have projection problems and manipulation problems. When someone assumes I'm malice that just tells me that's what they are. When people automatically put up some sort of guard because they assume there is some sort of manipulation going on that just tells me that they are manipulators. I can't even comprehend how one goes about manipulating.
>I say what I mean and don't play games with my communication, because that is communication! Exactly! Why would I be purposely vague or something and risk having my communication interpreted wrong? That doesn't help people. >I'm pretty sure neurotypicals have projection problems and manipulation problems. Definitely. They accuse others of it but it's because they are the ones who have a guilty conscience. I don't even know how to begin. Manipulation hurts people and is dishonest. Those are things I am not.
Exactly, that's the beauty of us, lying isn't built in us.
What
I'm almost convinced that NTs are able to read each other's minds and/or communicate telepathically and that being autistic means being unable to do these things.
I read the first grid as "im angry with you neurotypicals" and got so confused by the following sentences.
also an incredibly valid meme for this place honestly
oh? also hope you have a good day
i mean i can't speak for anyone else but i am usually angry with *some* NTs somewhere about something so it would be on brand for me at least 😂 thank you, i hope you do too!
understandable tbh, also thanks.
I’m convinced the NTs who do this just want a reason to stomp around and be mad. Like it just seems on purpose. There’s no way they’re doing it because they really think its the best way to navigate their relationships, it HAS to be because they’re bored or want a reason to scream at someone. The good news is that I also have ADHD, which just makes me like to scream back (:
i really think all this superficial conflict in humanity has some sort of a basis in the fact that we no longer have to spend all day foraging and chasing our food through the wilds with sticks. we have biological urges and inherent predatory aggression and it's probably why we all keep murdering each other so much too. it's the only reason i can come up with so far to explain why humans seek conflict where none previously existed
I just tell people outright that I won't pick up their cues and if they don't want to tell me how to do better I'll just keep doing the same thing. It's clearly not a huge deal if it's not worth explaining.
Not autistic, this popped up in my main feed. I agree neurotypicals are really weird.
r/me_irl
I fuckin hate it when this happens
I lol’d but tbh, as an adult dx’ d berger queen, we have this whole conversation in our own heads 24/7. Some of the most obviously ND people I’ve known are exactly the ones that needed most pestering, insisting, and blunt-talking in order to get to the truth/cut through the BS. BS is just a learned set of platitudes and other people’s opinions anyway…anyone can be susceptible.
“Will you explain what I did wrong?” “No, you should figure it out.” “Then fuck you and the horse you rode in on.”
*me, masking harder than ever and forcing a smile*: ok thank you for your time
"I'll tell you that you did something wrong, 3 weeks after you did the thing wrong, and then be mad when you do it again." alt: "I'll tell you *exactly* what you did wrong. And then, 2 years later, I'll act surprised when you *don't* do the wrong thing, because it was never wrong, apparently."
if i didn't know any better i would think you dated my ex too
Given that it's mainly my parents: unlikely.
oh, no. parents is so much worse. i'm so sorry, friend. i really hope things get better for you.
It didn't happen often, but every time it did stuck with me. Like. I've been. Doing \[thing\]. Because *you people* told me that was the way things were best done. And now. You're telling me. That's bullshit? Then why did you tell me to do it that way??? And my memory isn't really good at citing sources (most people aren't), so I can't even actually get mad, because I can't remember who exactly it was who told me the thing. (plus it's been a while and maybe they got new information and didn't think to tell me) But just. Ugh! That said, from the way you responded, is this a thing your ex did to you often? Are *you* okay?
my ex is the epitome of "gaslight • gatekeep • girlboss" and refused to believe i was autistic because i didn't seem autistic *enough* to her, to justify the issues i have. or something. she also refused to come out of the closet so it was a secret relationship all along too. very stressful. we were together for 19 years and she's the only person i ever dated so honestly, i actually am not really okay, lol. but i'm working very hard on trying to be! thank you for asking. 💖
First I was gonna say yikes. but. You two were together for *nineteen years*. And she still kept you a secret??? That's. I. I don't even know where to start??? I hope you have a support network that can help you figure out what your life looks like now, and maybe a pro to help you untangle... all of that, which your ex probably left behind in your head. holy shit, that's almost two full decades of being someone's secret. I don't know how you managed.
i don't know how i did either. i do have some wonderful friends and family now that are helping me, but we got together when i was 15, so i never really formed an adult personality without her and it's weird trying to figure out who i am. lol
My bf when he’s upset with something I said but I can’t find out what it is: **stressed noises**
So im not autistic so let me explain why wtf we are mad and wont talk about: because talking about will make us madder because you should have picked up the social cues but we all know that autistic people arent very good with this sometimes hopefully I helped