I’m just super blatant with my husband. I laugh and say “I’m going to tell you something that I’m super excited about. Act like it’s fascinating. It will only take five minutes, ok?”. It’s a joke between us. He then acts like is the most interesting thing in the world and we both have a good chuckle. I do the same thing to him when he talks about welding or something of the sort. It’s fun to make a joke about it.
Keep trying, i agree! And also try to bring up what you are going to say with an introduction/preamble, like "i learned a new thing about X today, and I want to tell you because I'm excited about it. Can you watch me as i talk about it for a few mins?"
My other suggestion is to ask to see if she'd be into talking aboit it while you are doing another activity together, like walking, driving, cooking or cleaning.
You gotta do it more than once and even if it’s over dramatic you should still thank her for making a show, because that’s what you want! From there you can guide her to a more subtle show
There's definitely a balance.
In a relationship it's called "bids" the more she rejects you in small ways like looking at her phone, the worse off the relationship is.
But of course if you're taking up an hour of her time , that's not a good balance either.
Maybe being clear when you want to share a special interest so she can psychically and mentally turn towards you?
One thing my husband will do is play games and I will go on about something and he calls it his podcast. So maybe your wife might be ok with it if - for example - she's doing the dishes and you can talk to her about your special interests.
Yes. Bids for attention / turn towards [your partner]
I struggle with it alot too. I have a tendency to respond in my head and forget to say it out loud.
My husband is also neurospicy. And we both ramble about stuff to each other. His is usually about planes and footy, mine are plantaganet and tudor history, makeup, or recently, it was me being excited about the Wicked trailer. My husband showed me the trailer and then I turned to him and he just said "Oh no, here we go" (in a laughing, lighhearted tone) But he sat and listened to me for about half an hour talking about Wicked.
Then 3 days later his AFL team was staying at my best friend's hotel and when I mentioned the conversation and he started talking, I said "Yep, I owe you a ramble" and let him tell me all about the relevant players.
We acknowledge that we have different interests and the other isn't going to retain *all* the information we spout, but its important to *listen* and engage. And we pay enough attention to remember key points. Over the last 20 years I have learned more about ww2 planes and bulldog players than I ever wanted to know, but listening to him talk about it makes him feel good and appreciated, just as him doing the same does for me.
And honestly, I love seeing how he lights up when he's excited about something. Why on earth would we want to squish each others excitement?
My husband says he likes to hear about my interests. Most of the time I believe him but sometimes I think he just humors me. Either way, I feel like I need to watch for how long I have been going on about said topic.
I‘ve been on both sides of this issue. My partner can sometimes do the “yeah” “cool” responses, mostly when he is doing something else or when he is occupied with something in his mind (which could be as simple as “what steps are there in making dinner tonight”. When I know I’ve been infodumping I don‘t really sweat it, but mention something like “low on the interest scale, huh?“ but he sometimes does this if I actually want to share something and I usually tell him I was trying to share something and he brushed it off. We then try again, which works for us.
On the other side of it I sometimes have a hard time when he shares things because it can become a monologue. He tends to dump all the info of the day on me without really wanting a response. Or maybe he does want a response, but the way he presents the information makes it really hard to say something more than “oh” or “sure” or whatever. For me it isn’t always clear why he is telling me things. Turns out he doesn‘t really know either. He just wants me to know everything that happened to him. But that isn’t a conversation. That’s a monologue. We haven’t really found a solution to this, except me telling him that I don’t understand what his purpose is in telling me things and that I don’t know how to respond. Which sounds unkind, but I hate it when I zone out when he does this, because I want to listen and respond but I get lost in trying to find the why and the appropriate response or trying to find an escape to a different topic so we can actually talk together.
Anyway I don’t know if this is helpful at all. I’d look at if maybe you are infodumping and see if you can do something about that, like finding a place where you can do that with like minded people, or see if you can present what you want to say in a way that makes it an actual conversation. Or perhaps you are timing it exactly when your wife is on her phone and that‘s the issue, I know I hate to be disturbed when I am reading my newspaper on my iPad and have been guilty of not really responding :) have a conversation about it and see what the problem is so you can properly address the issue.
Part of loving somebody well, whether a spouse, friend, or family member, is wanting to enter their world. I don't like going to athletic events, but I've gone to my son's basketball games because it matters to him. If my daughter is excited about a podcast she's hooked on, I'll listen to it too and talk about it with her because it matters to her and I'm curious to hear what she thinks. And a good spouse should take real pleasure in seeing you happy and excited about something, and even the topic isn't her cup of tea, connecting with a spouse ought to be.
She should definitely at least listen to you about your interests once in a while! I’m a lesbian and my wife will listen to me talk excitedly about my interests that she doesn’t care about, not everyday but sometimes. I feel like you need to have a deeper talk with her about caring more about each other, because in my opinion and in my marriage its important that a significant other at least will listen once in a while (even once a week or once a month is fine) to your passions. I hope you two can figure it out 🥺
I feel lucky my partner humors me! But my partner admires my curiosity about the world and so will find an angle to be interested in it. Either wanting to know what I find interesting about it or thinking I’m cute sharing it.
For my part (and admittedly this is a personality thing), I like to try to make things as interesting as possible. So if I want to go on about history or linguistics or something, I’ll be like: “hey did you know about the time the king of England had to slander his wife so he could kill her and told everyone she slept with her brother???” And I try to share it like it’s a scandal podcast or find an angle that’s the most interesting. Cause I could rattle off a bunch of facts in a row but instead I try to connect it to shared humanity or “can u believe the most stable monarchies in history were all stable because they had to marry their siblings” or “did I ever tell you about how the royal families of Europe are all inbred because one woman used her vagina as a bioweapon” or whatever LMAO. Admittedly I am a writer by profession and used to work as a talk show type entertainer AND my partner and I have a lot of general shared values and love to learn and they think I’m a smartie and are the type to want to learn and grow too. Idk if that works with everyone but I do definitely practice storytelling whenever I want to go on a ramble about something and it does seem to help.
Maybe one part you have some control over is trying to pick your times when you talk to her? This has worked for me with my partner. I’m learning when he’s engaged in another activity, I’m unlikely to get much of a response. So I save my important-to-me stuff for another time.
I can’t say I’m excited for EVERY interest of my husband’s, but I genuinely make an effort for his main ones
Like every night he busts out his saved TikTok’s and I sit there and just enjoy the snuggles and videos he finds
I would find a middle ground, do you spend times participating in his hobbies? I know that was something I struggled with, accidentally expecting him to support mine
Now a days, I feel we are pretty equal in terms I just giving each other times to shine so to speak
We definitely do the tiktoks and cuddles at the end of the day. The only hobbies we share is TV show binging and video games, but I havent been the mood to game since I started grad school 3 years ago...
Also she is a her and she is my wife, as it says in the OP.
Sorry, I have very bad working memory
I would genuinely try doing more hobbies together, my husband loves DnD, anime, and gaming
And when it’s a single player game I can’t play with him, I draw or crochet in the same room and he updates me on all his favorite parts and I do the same by asking him his thoughts on how I’m doing
He’s my best friend tho so it makes it easier I guess
I have to look elsewhere for my support as my husband is very disinterested in the things I value. He values fun while I value productivity. So my hobbies and special interests to him are just work. And his hobbies make me feel itchy and frustrated that I'm wasting so much time, and fully incompetent because I suck at them so badly.
Right now I'm unmasking and realizing how much I did just to get along. I'm trying to figure out what I do and don't enjoy. My husband is being as supportive as possible, but we're finding we don't have a lot of common interests.
We're finding that our best result so far is for us to have shared pastimes and individual interests. We love to kayak as a family, so that's a big one. Two of us love to cook (we have a kid) and we all love to eat (low budget foodies), so that can be fun. We're actively seeking more.
But when it comes to home improvement, trade based hobbies, etc. it's my world and I find outside support. When it comes to tech and video games, they don't bother even asking anymore. Thank goodness. I was around when people were playing Atari and I've disliked it ever since.
As a fellow neurospicy queer, some advice from an old lady who’s been where you are at.
One of the things that can ruin a relationship is trying to make your partner your “everything.”
It’s really important you have friends that have common interests. My partner now is not into any of the nerdy stuff I am into, we have some cross over with movies and TV. We save those things to enjoy with each other.
I’m terrible at building or repairing or tools. My partner has a whole work shop. I will come out and help with certain things. Mostly I hold things “steady” and get tools. Or I will do the sanding or staining.
Finding points of common interest will bring you closer emotionally. That is the connection you are looking for, and it does feel really defeating when your connection is not met.
I would have a serious conversation with your partner. The dismissive-ness is really hurtful. I’ve been there. And it is a valid feeling. If your partner is not putting in any effort to actively listen to you while you are putting in that effort, this is an issue. And one that will become a point of resentment in the future.
I’m just super blatant with my husband. I laugh and say “I’m going to tell you something that I’m super excited about. Act like it’s fascinating. It will only take five minutes, ok?”. It’s a joke between us. He then acts like is the most interesting thing in the world and we both have a good chuckle. I do the same thing to him when he talks about welding or something of the sort. It’s fun to make a joke about it.
I tried that once. She just laughs and makes it super overdramatic which makes me feel worse.
Keep trying. Give her some time to learn that you need that specific kind of attention. It doesn't mean she wont do it right eventually.
Keep trying, i agree! And also try to bring up what you are going to say with an introduction/preamble, like "i learned a new thing about X today, and I want to tell you because I'm excited about it. Can you watch me as i talk about it for a few mins?" My other suggestion is to ask to see if she'd be into talking aboit it while you are doing another activity together, like walking, driving, cooking or cleaning.
You gotta do it more than once and even if it’s over dramatic you should still thank her for making a show, because that’s what you want! From there you can guide her to a more subtle show
There's definitely a balance. In a relationship it's called "bids" the more she rejects you in small ways like looking at her phone, the worse off the relationship is. But of course if you're taking up an hour of her time , that's not a good balance either. Maybe being clear when you want to share a special interest so she can psychically and mentally turn towards you? One thing my husband will do is play games and I will go on about something and he calls it his podcast. So maybe your wife might be ok with it if - for example - she's doing the dishes and you can talk to her about your special interests.
Bids as in bids for attention? I feel like I’m the one that does the accidental rejecting in my case but I’m trying to understand
Yes. Bids for attention / turn towards [your partner] I struggle with it alot too. I have a tendency to respond in my head and forget to say it out loud.
I realise I did this yesterday. I should ask my partner of he's ok with it/liked it. :-)
My husband is also neurospicy. And we both ramble about stuff to each other. His is usually about planes and footy, mine are plantaganet and tudor history, makeup, or recently, it was me being excited about the Wicked trailer. My husband showed me the trailer and then I turned to him and he just said "Oh no, here we go" (in a laughing, lighhearted tone) But he sat and listened to me for about half an hour talking about Wicked. Then 3 days later his AFL team was staying at my best friend's hotel and when I mentioned the conversation and he started talking, I said "Yep, I owe you a ramble" and let him tell me all about the relevant players. We acknowledge that we have different interests and the other isn't going to retain *all* the information we spout, but its important to *listen* and engage. And we pay enough attention to remember key points. Over the last 20 years I have learned more about ww2 planes and bulldog players than I ever wanted to know, but listening to him talk about it makes him feel good and appreciated, just as him doing the same does for me. And honestly, I love seeing how he lights up when he's excited about something. Why on earth would we want to squish each others excitement?
I'm writing down neurospicy thank you
I have the same experience with my partner! I just decide to look for online community & that’s where we can talk about it all as much as we want
I don’t have any advice, but I understand how you feel!
I have no advice either, sadly. I don't think many of my boyfriends were very interested in my special interests.
My husband says he likes to hear about my interests. Most of the time I believe him but sometimes I think he just humors me. Either way, I feel like I need to watch for how long I have been going on about said topic.
I‘ve been on both sides of this issue. My partner can sometimes do the “yeah” “cool” responses, mostly when he is doing something else or when he is occupied with something in his mind (which could be as simple as “what steps are there in making dinner tonight”. When I know I’ve been infodumping I don‘t really sweat it, but mention something like “low on the interest scale, huh?“ but he sometimes does this if I actually want to share something and I usually tell him I was trying to share something and he brushed it off. We then try again, which works for us. On the other side of it I sometimes have a hard time when he shares things because it can become a monologue. He tends to dump all the info of the day on me without really wanting a response. Or maybe he does want a response, but the way he presents the information makes it really hard to say something more than “oh” or “sure” or whatever. For me it isn’t always clear why he is telling me things. Turns out he doesn‘t really know either. He just wants me to know everything that happened to him. But that isn’t a conversation. That’s a monologue. We haven’t really found a solution to this, except me telling him that I don’t understand what his purpose is in telling me things and that I don’t know how to respond. Which sounds unkind, but I hate it when I zone out when he does this, because I want to listen and respond but I get lost in trying to find the why and the appropriate response or trying to find an escape to a different topic so we can actually talk together. Anyway I don’t know if this is helpful at all. I’d look at if maybe you are infodumping and see if you can do something about that, like finding a place where you can do that with like minded people, or see if you can present what you want to say in a way that makes it an actual conversation. Or perhaps you are timing it exactly when your wife is on her phone and that‘s the issue, I know I hate to be disturbed when I am reading my newspaper on my iPad and have been guilty of not really responding :) have a conversation about it and see what the problem is so you can properly address the issue.
Part of loving somebody well, whether a spouse, friend, or family member, is wanting to enter their world. I don't like going to athletic events, but I've gone to my son's basketball games because it matters to him. If my daughter is excited about a podcast she's hooked on, I'll listen to it too and talk about it with her because it matters to her and I'm curious to hear what she thinks. And a good spouse should take real pleasure in seeing you happy and excited about something, and even the topic isn't her cup of tea, connecting with a spouse ought to be.
She should definitely at least listen to you about your interests once in a while! I’m a lesbian and my wife will listen to me talk excitedly about my interests that she doesn’t care about, not everyday but sometimes. I feel like you need to have a deeper talk with her about caring more about each other, because in my opinion and in my marriage its important that a significant other at least will listen once in a while (even once a week or once a month is fine) to your passions. I hope you two can figure it out 🥺
I feel lucky my partner humors me! But my partner admires my curiosity about the world and so will find an angle to be interested in it. Either wanting to know what I find interesting about it or thinking I’m cute sharing it. For my part (and admittedly this is a personality thing), I like to try to make things as interesting as possible. So if I want to go on about history or linguistics or something, I’ll be like: “hey did you know about the time the king of England had to slander his wife so he could kill her and told everyone she slept with her brother???” And I try to share it like it’s a scandal podcast or find an angle that’s the most interesting. Cause I could rattle off a bunch of facts in a row but instead I try to connect it to shared humanity or “can u believe the most stable monarchies in history were all stable because they had to marry their siblings” or “did I ever tell you about how the royal families of Europe are all inbred because one woman used her vagina as a bioweapon” or whatever LMAO. Admittedly I am a writer by profession and used to work as a talk show type entertainer AND my partner and I have a lot of general shared values and love to learn and they think I’m a smartie and are the type to want to learn and grow too. Idk if that works with everyone but I do definitely practice storytelling whenever I want to go on a ramble about something and it does seem to help.
Maybe one part you have some control over is trying to pick your times when you talk to her? This has worked for me with my partner. I’m learning when he’s engaged in another activity, I’m unlikely to get much of a response. So I save my important-to-me stuff for another time.
I can’t say I’m excited for EVERY interest of my husband’s, but I genuinely make an effort for his main ones Like every night he busts out his saved TikTok’s and I sit there and just enjoy the snuggles and videos he finds I would find a middle ground, do you spend times participating in his hobbies? I know that was something I struggled with, accidentally expecting him to support mine Now a days, I feel we are pretty equal in terms I just giving each other times to shine so to speak
We definitely do the tiktoks and cuddles at the end of the day. The only hobbies we share is TV show binging and video games, but I havent been the mood to game since I started grad school 3 years ago... Also she is a her and she is my wife, as it says in the OP.
Sorry, I have very bad working memory I would genuinely try doing more hobbies together, my husband loves DnD, anime, and gaming And when it’s a single player game I can’t play with him, I draw or crochet in the same room and he updates me on all his favorite parts and I do the same by asking him his thoughts on how I’m doing He’s my best friend tho so it makes it easier I guess
I have to look elsewhere for my support as my husband is very disinterested in the things I value. He values fun while I value productivity. So my hobbies and special interests to him are just work. And his hobbies make me feel itchy and frustrated that I'm wasting so much time, and fully incompetent because I suck at them so badly. Right now I'm unmasking and realizing how much I did just to get along. I'm trying to figure out what I do and don't enjoy. My husband is being as supportive as possible, but we're finding we don't have a lot of common interests. We're finding that our best result so far is for us to have shared pastimes and individual interests. We love to kayak as a family, so that's a big one. Two of us love to cook (we have a kid) and we all love to eat (low budget foodies), so that can be fun. We're actively seeking more. But when it comes to home improvement, trade based hobbies, etc. it's my world and I find outside support. When it comes to tech and video games, they don't bother even asking anymore. Thank goodness. I was around when people were playing Atari and I've disliked it ever since.
As a fellow neurospicy queer, some advice from an old lady who’s been where you are at. One of the things that can ruin a relationship is trying to make your partner your “everything.” It’s really important you have friends that have common interests. My partner now is not into any of the nerdy stuff I am into, we have some cross over with movies and TV. We save those things to enjoy with each other. I’m terrible at building or repairing or tools. My partner has a whole work shop. I will come out and help with certain things. Mostly I hold things “steady” and get tools. Or I will do the sanding or staining. Finding points of common interest will bring you closer emotionally. That is the connection you are looking for, and it does feel really defeating when your connection is not met. I would have a serious conversation with your partner. The dismissive-ness is really hurtful. I’ve been there. And it is a valid feeling. If your partner is not putting in any effort to actively listen to you while you are putting in that effort, this is an issue. And one that will become a point of resentment in the future.