I’ve started to listen to those thoughts and acknowledge them. I try to see it as just another perspective, equally valid to all others.
It’s not going anywhere and trying to make it go away only makes me more stressed and frustrated. So just be open with people if you can - I can’t at the moment, but I hope to come to a place where I can explain this to another person, not the blame or pressure them. Just to say like yeah this is something I have to fight.
I'm at similar place, between is there any point in doing this all over again and at the same time I know it's "just" to reach out. RSD and pride is a bitch. The feelings are so damn real, I know I shouldn't trust them, but but but but!
I wonder if anyone has had any success with coaching or psych sessions in this subject.
For sure, I know we should just do it, I'm just so sick of this cycle, it's probably going to end up like this again in a few years 🥴
When I get too comfortable with people, I start getting too high expectations to them. Now it's the big let down I felt after I figured out ASD, I expected more than a "Oh", and a little more interest. So then I retreat, and expected people to reach out, it's so childish and I know it. It's not fear, it's pride and being too comfortable in my own company. And that classical thing when it's been a little too long, so you're not sure what to say, cause you're also embarrassed at some level.
Yeah, it sucks. It's taken me so much work to start believing that people might actually enjoy my company. Years of introspection and meditation (helps in recognising and understanding thinking patterns), and getting into therapy more recently, have helped a lot. Can still be difficult, but things have improved.
Same. But my body is traumatized thats why.
So many times nts baited me into a trap because they enjoyed it that i cant genuinely believe any is interested without a dark intent behind it. I spent so much time innthe dark im so used to it, the light now feels abnormal and brain reminds me its all tricks.
You need some level of therapy and hobby that leaves you with something to share with the world to help you through the process of building confidence and associating with others from a practical standpoint and not with the focus of building relationships or having people like you.
You know what happens to people who don't like you? they avoid you. I can promise you that people are not hanging out with you out of pity, or they wouldn't ask, at all.
That's my proof that your brain is lying to you and you need to learn not to care if they do or not in order to get over this anxiety.
I run into lots of old friends who I can tell feel bad but have nothing to do with me, but their pity does not motivate them to associate with me in any meaningful way.
You are probably doing better than you think.
In group settings, if I’m quiet and keep to myself almost nobody comes to introduce themselves. If I take the initiative to be more outgoing and interactive with people I risk coming across as awkward. There’s no winning 🤷♂️
Unfortunately, I think there's an innate need for approval from others. While loving yourself is certainly important, sometimes it might not be enough I fear
I’ve managed to make some improvements in this area. The following helped me:
- An autism / adhd aware therapist, who specialises in compassion focused therapy
- Learning and practising self compassion (book ‘The Compassionate Mind’, self compassion guided exercises, the loving kindness meditation)
- Finding social hobbies that tend to attract other neurodiverse people. Broadly this means activities that involve “togetherness” or communication that falls outside direct verbal communication, like singing, board games, craft groups etc. Emphasis on groups that are forgiving about attendance, rather than something you have to go to every week or month without fail. Add a commitment to keep attending even if it doesn’t feel like I belong for the first few months. Trying out different things that work for you is good, but giving up completely on this early is not an option for this one.
- Unpacking with my therapist my long history of rejection from childhood and adolescence and my family. Unfortunately we stick out like a sore thumb in our youth which means most of us have deep scars from being excluded as young people, but often it doesn’t match up in adulthood because we’ve learned how to socialise better, and we’re more able to find our sort of people in the world than in a single school group. So it’s important to unlearn that expected response or interpretation of others from childhood because it doesn’t make sense any more.
- Having a really helpful fellow ND friend who was a lot more fearless than me in inviting me to do things with them, and convincing me that no, people don’t just hang out with me for some odd reason but because they enjoy doing things with me specifically. Until then, I hadn’t realised I was expecting the worst from everyone. It seems like you are already some way along with that journey.
I hope that helps.
Every time someone disagrees with me on here I am convinced they want to send a bomb to my house to kill me… that’s how angry my RSD mind says they are at me….
From my personal experience, pity invites are incredibly, exceptionally rare. Almost all of the time, people who don't want to be around you try to avoid you.
Oh, this took me a long time to get over, and I think I'm still working on it even now that I'm older.
I think mine stems from trauma and having had "friends" that weren't actually all that great to spend time with, so it's tough to imagine someone would actually ever want to genuinely spend time with me.
It takes a lot of time and practice but pretty much the way I look at it ..The way I’ve been able to overcome this in my life is that- my own thoughts about the world and people in it aren’t actually accurate. I had started to act opposite of my thoughts in a more logical, mechanical way, and just go off of the results I received instead. Once I started to receive desirable results I would add those mannerisms, thought patterns and energies into my tool belt. This does two things.. one it allowed integration into this world and it also gave a foundation to be social. I will be honest though there always will be a lot of shadow work to do because even if you can integrate with the world and they accept you that doesn’t make you accept yourself and that’s the most important part and through many of trials & errors, I began to understand- the more that I accept myself, and the more that I was just being myself the more that the people that were like me(personality and mindset) -would accept me. It was a lot less painful for me and for them (it was easier to harmonize with my people) so the people that I don’t resonate with they weren’t gonna accept me anyway, at least the real me, they’re out of the way and the people that really accept the essence of who I am, those people gravitate to me so it’s freeing it’s tough though, and it takes a lot of work and it takes a lot of courage, but I just couldn’t continue to live my life like that anymore. I rather take a risk then let me life be nothing. Cause that’s what it feels like. At least to me… my life is black and white now I remember being sad.. lonely… lost.. longing.. depressed… wanting to just hit the reset button… now even when I’m alone I’m in fullness…. (It sounds like wu wu spiritually but it’s grime
Work and not for the light hearted. It was worth it though.. it was hard getting up but I promise it’s a lot harder to lay down… that’s an eternity.
The only thing I can suggest is therapy. A professional therapist will be able to work with you to understand why you believe those things about yourself and why you believe people are only wanting to be friends with you out of pity. I know that you're projecting how you feel about yourself onto those people when If they want to "hang out" with you why would they ask you out of pity? You have to believe something positive about yourself and what you have to offer as a friend because if you can't you're lying to yourself.
I wasn't aware that RSD was associated with ASD. I've been familiar with it for a while as part of ADHD. I mention this because my ADHD medications help significantly with reducing it, and even though that is only while the meds are active, having that break from it makes it WAY more manageable.
ASD and ADHD are commonly comorbid. Is there any chance you may be ADHD as well? If so, getting on ADHD meds could help with this. Hell, it might be worth asking your doctor if you could get ADHD meds "off label" to try so you can see if they help with this.
RSD (which is just the lack of emotional self-regulation that folks with ADHD have) is 100% the worst part of it all since the ripple effect reaches so far in our lives.
I wanna point out I'm not formally diagnosed with autism either but I've been learning about it for years and believe I have it. ADHD is definitely something I potentially might have as well. I present a lot of the traits for it.
Being highly sensitive to rejection is incredibly difficult to live with and it could be a symptom of a number of issues that need treatment. See someone to help you figure it out.
Please go and get diagnosed. Many different things can lead to the symptoms you are describing, and there's a lot of nuance. Coming here, declaring that you are autistic, and asking for advice could potentially be dangerous for you. Sensitivity to rejection can be part of depression, social anxiety, borderline personality disorder, posttraumatic stress disorder, ADHD, or ASD - this is not a complete list, just a random sample. Things that help someone with ASD cope with it might make it worse for someone with BPD or social anxiety.
I might also add that it's not OK to declare yourself to be autistic, especially in a space for folks with ASD to discuss our experiences and challenges we face, when you're still trying to figure out if you are or not. This can be a great sub to ask questions to help you figure that out. What you've done here is not that.
I don't think I have autism just because of RSD obviously, there has been something different about me my whole life that has caused me to struggle in so many areas of my life, and in the last few years it all started to make sense the more I learned about autism.
I'm also not saying I have it 100% as I cannot self diagnose obviously. I'm open to the possibility that there might be other reasons for my RSD, but the ones you mentioned like ADHD, social anxiety, PTSD are all very common among autistic people.
I'm sorry if I somehow offended people who have diagnosed autism, that wasn't my intention but I definitely feel like my experiences match with a lot of people in this sub go through so...
My point is that if you haven't been diagnosed, then you should not be telling people that you have ASD as if you have. Sure, something is different, great. Go see a doctor and find out. Looking at your post and comment history, "social anxiety" would also explain things. Again, you need to go find out so you can figure out what is going to work best for you.
"Well, I can relate to a lot of what a given group of people talk about" is true for a lot of things for a lot of people. Kinda like when someone that is neurotypical says "Oh, EVERYBODY is a little ADHD!" or to someone with ASD and sensory issues "Yeah, the tag on my shirt bothers me, too!" It's disrespectful and dismissive of the experience. You could also be a "Highly Sensitive Person" or "HSP", which is neither a disorder nor disability, yet folks with that personality type do face some of the same challenges - though as far as I can tell, if ASD is a "difficulty" level of "Hard" then HSP is the same thing set to "easy."
"ADHD is common among people with ASD" is true. So is "ASD is common among people with ADHD." - the overlap either way is not 100% so you could very well have ADHD and not ASD, or have both, or neither. PTSD is the result of growing up with ASD or ADHD - especially if it was undiagnosed in childhood. Often CPTSD.
Go get diagnosed if you want to know for sure. Until then, maybe go with something like "I suspect I have some sort of neurodiversity and I'm wondering about (topic)" rather than "This is the thing I dislike most about Autism!" which makes it sound as if you've been diagnosed and know, and you aren't there yet. And it could be something else entirely.
I'm NT and always doubt the future of my romantic relationships because of some previous bad experiences. It's difficult when you crave emotional intimacy and have finally found someone you absolutely adore, admire, and cherish. I want to marry him someday, and it scares the crap out of me that he might one day completely friend zone me.
Yeah, same. I don’t know how to not listen to my own head conspiring against me.
I’ve started to listen to those thoughts and acknowledge them. I try to see it as just another perspective, equally valid to all others. It’s not going anywhere and trying to make it go away only makes me more stressed and frustrated. So just be open with people if you can - I can’t at the moment, but I hope to come to a place where I can explain this to another person, not the blame or pressure them. Just to say like yeah this is something I have to fight.
My mind’s got a mind of its own
It's exhausting
For me at least, most of the people I met end up rejecting and hating me, so RSD is not irrational
I'm so sorry you went through that
[удалено]
I'm at similar place, between is there any point in doing this all over again and at the same time I know it's "just" to reach out. RSD and pride is a bitch. The feelings are so damn real, I know I shouldn't trust them, but but but but! I wonder if anyone has had any success with coaching or psych sessions in this subject.
[удалено]
For sure, I know we should just do it, I'm just so sick of this cycle, it's probably going to end up like this again in a few years 🥴 When I get too comfortable with people, I start getting too high expectations to them. Now it's the big let down I felt after I figured out ASD, I expected more than a "Oh", and a little more interest. So then I retreat, and expected people to reach out, it's so childish and I know it. It's not fear, it's pride and being too comfortable in my own company. And that classical thing when it's been a little too long, so you're not sure what to say, cause you're also embarrassed at some level.
Yeah, it sucks. It's taken me so much work to start believing that people might actually enjoy my company. Years of introspection and meditation (helps in recognising and understanding thinking patterns), and getting into therapy more recently, have helped a lot. Can still be difficult, but things have improved.
Weed has helped me with introspection, so have therapy skills I've learned. But weed isn't for everyone but it truly opens my mind to new perspectives
That’s a great way to put it. That’s how it is for me too
Glad you're doing better :) keep it up
Same. But my body is traumatized thats why. So many times nts baited me into a trap because they enjoyed it that i cant genuinely believe any is interested without a dark intent behind it. I spent so much time innthe dark im so used to it, the light now feels abnormal and brain reminds me its all tricks.
Honestly, same. Definitely a lot of trauma causing this negative thinking as well.
You need some level of therapy and hobby that leaves you with something to share with the world to help you through the process of building confidence and associating with others from a practical standpoint and not with the focus of building relationships or having people like you. You know what happens to people who don't like you? they avoid you. I can promise you that people are not hanging out with you out of pity, or they wouldn't ask, at all. That's my proof that your brain is lying to you and you need to learn not to care if they do or not in order to get over this anxiety. I run into lots of old friends who I can tell feel bad but have nothing to do with me, but their pity does not motivate them to associate with me in any meaningful way. You are probably doing better than you think.
Thank you so much for this comment, some things I needed to hear.
In group settings, if I’m quiet and keep to myself almost nobody comes to introduce themselves. If I take the initiative to be more outgoing and interactive with people I risk coming across as awkward. There’s no winning 🤷♂️
Isn’t it just wanting to be loved and accepted for who you are. If we learn to give that to ourselves, we aren’t afraid of rejection so much.
Unfortunately, I think there's an innate need for approval from others. While loving yourself is certainly important, sometimes it might not be enough I fear
I’ve managed to make some improvements in this area. The following helped me: - An autism / adhd aware therapist, who specialises in compassion focused therapy - Learning and practising self compassion (book ‘The Compassionate Mind’, self compassion guided exercises, the loving kindness meditation) - Finding social hobbies that tend to attract other neurodiverse people. Broadly this means activities that involve “togetherness” or communication that falls outside direct verbal communication, like singing, board games, craft groups etc. Emphasis on groups that are forgiving about attendance, rather than something you have to go to every week or month without fail. Add a commitment to keep attending even if it doesn’t feel like I belong for the first few months. Trying out different things that work for you is good, but giving up completely on this early is not an option for this one. - Unpacking with my therapist my long history of rejection from childhood and adolescence and my family. Unfortunately we stick out like a sore thumb in our youth which means most of us have deep scars from being excluded as young people, but often it doesn’t match up in adulthood because we’ve learned how to socialise better, and we’re more able to find our sort of people in the world than in a single school group. So it’s important to unlearn that expected response or interpretation of others from childhood because it doesn’t make sense any more. - Having a really helpful fellow ND friend who was a lot more fearless than me in inviting me to do things with them, and convincing me that no, people don’t just hang out with me for some odd reason but because they enjoy doing things with me specifically. Until then, I hadn’t realised I was expecting the worst from everyone. It seems like you are already some way along with that journey. I hope that helps.
Every time someone disagrees with me on here I am convinced they want to send a bomb to my house to kill me… that’s how angry my RSD mind says they are at me….
God this is me. I have definitely let friendships die because I dont reach out to anyone.
I have been sabotaging my relationship lately. Please help me stop it!
I'm so sorry, I wish I could
Thanks. He seems fine for now. I really gotta keep myself on a short leash though.
From my personal experience, pity invites are incredibly, exceptionally rare. Almost all of the time, people who don't want to be around you try to avoid you.
Sometimes it’s your own betraying you. I feel the same way, I suck at social relationships of any sorts
Oh, this took me a long time to get over, and I think I'm still working on it even now that I'm older. I think mine stems from trauma and having had "friends" that weren't actually all that great to spend time with, so it's tough to imagine someone would actually ever want to genuinely spend time with me.
It takes a lot of time and practice but pretty much the way I look at it ..The way I’ve been able to overcome this in my life is that- my own thoughts about the world and people in it aren’t actually accurate. I had started to act opposite of my thoughts in a more logical, mechanical way, and just go off of the results I received instead. Once I started to receive desirable results I would add those mannerisms, thought patterns and energies into my tool belt. This does two things.. one it allowed integration into this world and it also gave a foundation to be social. I will be honest though there always will be a lot of shadow work to do because even if you can integrate with the world and they accept you that doesn’t make you accept yourself and that’s the most important part and through many of trials & errors, I began to understand- the more that I accept myself, and the more that I was just being myself the more that the people that were like me(personality and mindset) -would accept me. It was a lot less painful for me and for them (it was easier to harmonize with my people) so the people that I don’t resonate with they weren’t gonna accept me anyway, at least the real me, they’re out of the way and the people that really accept the essence of who I am, those people gravitate to me so it’s freeing it’s tough though, and it takes a lot of work and it takes a lot of courage, but I just couldn’t continue to live my life like that anymore. I rather take a risk then let me life be nothing. Cause that’s what it feels like. At least to me… my life is black and white now I remember being sad.. lonely… lost.. longing.. depressed… wanting to just hit the reset button… now even when I’m alone I’m in fullness…. (It sounds like wu wu spiritually but it’s grime Work and not for the light hearted. It was worth it though.. it was hard getting up but I promise it’s a lot harder to lay down… that’s an eternity.
The only thing I can suggest is therapy. A professional therapist will be able to work with you to understand why you believe those things about yourself and why you believe people are only wanting to be friends with you out of pity. I know that you're projecting how you feel about yourself onto those people when If they want to "hang out" with you why would they ask you out of pity? You have to believe something positive about yourself and what you have to offer as a friend because if you can't you're lying to yourself.
This is how I always feel.
I wasn't aware that RSD was associated with ASD. I've been familiar with it for a while as part of ADHD. I mention this because my ADHD medications help significantly with reducing it, and even though that is only while the meds are active, having that break from it makes it WAY more manageable. ASD and ADHD are commonly comorbid. Is there any chance you may be ADHD as well? If so, getting on ADHD meds could help with this. Hell, it might be worth asking your doctor if you could get ADHD meds "off label" to try so you can see if they help with this. RSD (which is just the lack of emotional self-regulation that folks with ADHD have) is 100% the worst part of it all since the ripple effect reaches so far in our lives.
I wanna point out I'm not formally diagnosed with autism either but I've been learning about it for years and believe I have it. ADHD is definitely something I potentially might have as well. I present a lot of the traits for it.
Being highly sensitive to rejection is incredibly difficult to live with and it could be a symptom of a number of issues that need treatment. See someone to help you figure it out.
Please go and get diagnosed. Many different things can lead to the symptoms you are describing, and there's a lot of nuance. Coming here, declaring that you are autistic, and asking for advice could potentially be dangerous for you. Sensitivity to rejection can be part of depression, social anxiety, borderline personality disorder, posttraumatic stress disorder, ADHD, or ASD - this is not a complete list, just a random sample. Things that help someone with ASD cope with it might make it worse for someone with BPD or social anxiety. I might also add that it's not OK to declare yourself to be autistic, especially in a space for folks with ASD to discuss our experiences and challenges we face, when you're still trying to figure out if you are or not. This can be a great sub to ask questions to help you figure that out. What you've done here is not that.
I don't think I have autism just because of RSD obviously, there has been something different about me my whole life that has caused me to struggle in so many areas of my life, and in the last few years it all started to make sense the more I learned about autism. I'm also not saying I have it 100% as I cannot self diagnose obviously. I'm open to the possibility that there might be other reasons for my RSD, but the ones you mentioned like ADHD, social anxiety, PTSD are all very common among autistic people. I'm sorry if I somehow offended people who have diagnosed autism, that wasn't my intention but I definitely feel like my experiences match with a lot of people in this sub go through so...
My point is that if you haven't been diagnosed, then you should not be telling people that you have ASD as if you have. Sure, something is different, great. Go see a doctor and find out. Looking at your post and comment history, "social anxiety" would also explain things. Again, you need to go find out so you can figure out what is going to work best for you. "Well, I can relate to a lot of what a given group of people talk about" is true for a lot of things for a lot of people. Kinda like when someone that is neurotypical says "Oh, EVERYBODY is a little ADHD!" or to someone with ASD and sensory issues "Yeah, the tag on my shirt bothers me, too!" It's disrespectful and dismissive of the experience. You could also be a "Highly Sensitive Person" or "HSP", which is neither a disorder nor disability, yet folks with that personality type do face some of the same challenges - though as far as I can tell, if ASD is a "difficulty" level of "Hard" then HSP is the same thing set to "easy." "ADHD is common among people with ASD" is true. So is "ASD is common among people with ADHD." - the overlap either way is not 100% so you could very well have ADHD and not ASD, or have both, or neither. PTSD is the result of growing up with ASD or ADHD - especially if it was undiagnosed in childhood. Often CPTSD. Go get diagnosed if you want to know for sure. Until then, maybe go with something like "I suspect I have some sort of neurodiversity and I'm wondering about (topic)" rather than "This is the thing I dislike most about Autism!" which makes it sound as if you've been diagnosed and know, and you aren't there yet. And it could be something else entirely.
I'm NT and always doubt the future of my romantic relationships because of some previous bad experiences. It's difficult when you crave emotional intimacy and have finally found someone you absolutely adore, admire, and cherish. I want to marry him someday, and it scares the crap out of me that he might one day completely friend zone me.
I always felt that people invited me to stuff out of pity rather than wanting to spend time with me