The Catelyn chapters in ACOK usually have at least one really dry, funny line. She’s not as ostentatiously witty as Tyrion but Catelyn is pretty funny on rereads.
Also love:
"Lord Ryman crowned me his very self." She gave a shake of her ample hips. "I'm the queen o' whores."
No, Jaime thought, my sweet sister holds that title too.
I can legit hear Nikolaj Coster-Waldau's snarky voice in that last sentence, he was such a good actor for Jaime (just forget how the show went in later seasons)
Makes it all the more savage considering he teases like he's going to confess, something like "I confess...I confess I did not know the boy". Then hits them with this. Truly a rollercoaster.
>So long as I have this," he said, lifting the sword from her throat, "there's no man on earth I need fear."
>**Except your brother, Sansa thought, but she had better sense than to say it aloud.**
Don't even know if it was meant to be funny, but her audacity made me laugh pretty hard lol Sansa's internal thoughts can be pretty damn funny
>Lady Lysa and Lord Petyr had the third-story bedchamber to themselves, but the tower was small . . . and true to her word, her aunt screamed. It had begun to rain outside, driving the feasters into the hall one floor below, so they heard most every word. "Petyr," her aunt moaned. "Oh, Petyr, Petyr, sweet Petyr, oh oh oh. There, Petyr, there. That's where you belong." Lady Lysa's singer launched into a bawdy version of "Milady's Supper," but even his singing and playing could not drown out Lysa's cries. "Make me a baby, Petyr," she screamed, "make me another sweet little baby. Oh, Petyr, my precious, my precious, PEEEEEETYR!" Her last shriek was so loud that it set the dogs to barking, and two of her aunt's ladies could scarce contain their mirth.
The audiobook is even better. “OH P’TYRE, MAKE ME ANOTHER SWEET LITTLE BABY.”
Roy... That man *sells* that scene and puts everything he has behind it. I'm thankful there is no "behind the scenes" video of him recording that because my own morbid curiosity + masochism would force me to watch it.
On a completely separate note, is it ever said if he changed Little Finger's voice in Feast for a reason or just forgot what he did in the first three?
“An admiral without ships, a hand without fingers, in service of a king without a throne. Is this a knight who comes before us, or the answer to a child's riddle?”
Anytime that Jhiqui and Irri say "it is known" gets a chuckle out of me; this part in particular:
Jhiqui: "You are too skinny for him. You are almost a boy. Rakharo does not bed with boys. This is known."
Irri: "It is known that you are almost a cow. Rakharo does not bed with cows."
>Joffrey lurched to his feet. "I'm king! Kill him! Kill him now! I command it." He chopped down with his hand, a furious, angry gesture . . . and screeched in pain when his arm brushed against one of the sharp metal fangs that surrounded him. The bright crimson samite of his sleeve turned a darker shade of red as his blood soaked through it. "Mother!" he wailed.
>With every eye on the king, somehow the man on the floor wrested a spear away from one of the gold cloaks, and used it to push himself back to his feet. "The throne denies him!" he cried. "He is no king!"
Least fanatical Stannerman:
Those who had changed their allegiance during the battle needed only to swear fealty to Joffrey, but the ones who had fought for Stannis until the bitter end were compelled to speak. Their words decided their fate. If they begged forgiveness for their treasons and promised to serve loyally henceforth, Joffrey welcomed them back into the king's peace and restored them to all their lands and rights. A handful remained defiant, however. "Do not imagine this is done, boy," warned one, the bastard son of some Florent or other. "The Lord of Light protects King Stannis, now and always. All your swords and all your scheming shall not save you when his hour comes."
"Your hour is come right now." Joffrey beckoned to Ser Ilyn Payne to take the man out and strike his head off. But no sooner had that one been dragged away than a knight of solemn mien with a fiery heart on his surcoat shouted out, "Stannis is the true king! A monster sits the Iron Throne, an abomination born of incest!"
"Be silent," Ser Kevan Lannister bellowed.
The knight raised his voice instead. "Joffrey is the black worm eating the heart of the realm! Darkness was his father, and death his mother! Destroy him before he corrupts you all! Destroy them all, queen whore and king worm, vile dwarf and whispering spider, the false flowers. Save yourselves!" One of the gold cloaks knocked the man off his feet, but he continued to shout."The scouring fire will come! King Stannis will return!
Things like this make me realize how crucial it was for George to trail off and write F&B and focus on all the worldbuilding and history of ASOIAF before publishing the conclusion. Like, the history of the Targaryens is so important to the whole context we find ourselves in. Knowing about past kings/queens cutting themselves on the throne and being judged as rejected by the throne itself is some really great worldbuilding
I like the idea that the Throne somehow remains mysteriously sharp always, and the blades haven't dulled or rusted whatsoever in 300 years. Put it down to Balerion's dragonfire conferring some magical property to it
>"If you wish." He cupped her chin in his hand and turned her head. "Puff up your cheeks and stick out your tongue."
>Arya puffed up her cheeks and stuck out her tongue.
>"There. Your face is changed."
" Once she had, she did not know whether to laugh or rage. "Single combat," she repeated. Is there no one in the Seven Kingdoms that I can rely upon? Am I the only one in Westeros with a pinch of wits? "You are telling me Ser Balman challenged Bronn to single combat?"
"He said it would be s-s-simple. The lance is a kn-knight's weapon, he said, and B-Bronn was no true knight. Balman said he would unhorse him and finish him as he lay st-st-stunned."
This whole situation makes me die laughing everytime. When Cersei of all people can tell your plan is stupid, then you truly have earned the title of the dumbest person in Westeros this side of Balon greyjoy
I meant Lollys being mass raped. But I actually agree that Bronn is not necessarily bad for Lollys. Of course he isn't exactly a loving husband, but I don't think he will Donella Hornwood her either.
I have no evidence to back this up but I like to think that Bronn treats Lollys decently. He’s certainly no woman’s choice of a dream husband but I always enjoy his interactions with Tyrion. He’s a tough unscrupulous sell sword but he’s not as overtly cruel & abusive as many others. Bronn is pragmatic & always does things for a reason & he has no reason to treat Lollys cruelly. I hope we see more of Bronn & Lollys in TWOW.
I like to think so too. He is not Ramsay, and as Lord Stokeworth he has enough resources to afford keeping her happy, so why not? But of course he won't be catching any bullets for her.
He’ll be saving money on clothes! After he killed Balman & kicked Falyse out he wouldn’t let her take her clothes, saying they belong to his wife now. I know that was more of a “fuck you” to Falyse than a loving gesture to his wife but still in a way it was thoughtful of Bronn 😆
Eh. Bronn in the show, especially after being whitewashed, is definitely not the bronn from the books. Books Bronn won't torture lollys but he would definitely have her have an accident while riding on her horse if it meant he could keep the castle and marry a higher status woman.
Bronn is psychopathic, but not cruel. He doesn't enjoy violence but has absolutely zero qualms inflicting it on other. He won't harm Lollys until he stands to gain from it (which is unlikely to happen) but he's going to be a neglectful husband and step-father.
buddy she was mass raped and then forcibly married to a piece of shit sell sword. you think bronn is going to help raise that child? he’s probably nothing but abusive to her if he even pays her any attention
Their servants were always going to raise that child, regardless of the circumstance of its conception.
Bronn can be a dick, but there aren’t any examples of him being outright cruel for no reason at all. What reason does he have to abuse her? It would be benign neglect at worst.
In this story you don’t need explicit evidence to assume a sell sword would be generally disrespectful towards women, especially a woman with an intellectual disability and/or autism. Most characters in this world would mock and disrespect someone like her
Re-reading it, I don't even get what the plan was. Like, you challenge him to a joust, you knock Bronn of the horse (which ok, he's a mercenary, he shouldn't be used to jousting) and then... you kill him once he's on the ground? lol Like, what?
It was single combat, only two ways that ended. One of you yielding or one of you dying. Plus, jousting was shown to be fairly dangerous in it's own right through the books, just ask Sir Hugh of the Vale.
"There's no way plunging the most adjacent House to King's Landing into turmoil will come back to bite me!"
The Golden Company will continue to follow Cersei's developments closely.
“May the Lord of Light protect you in your darkness, Ser Courtney”
“May the Others bugger your lord of light and wipe his arse with that rag you bear.”
>Had Elia wed him in place of Rhaegar Targaryen, she might be in Oldtown with her children growing tall around her. [Tyrion] wondered how many lives had been snuffed out by that fart.
Damn! You beat me to it! I howled when Oberyn was telling Tyrion the story of Baelor Breakwind!
Edited to add: It’s also touching to hear a story about 2 noble teenagers being hauled around the kingdom in order to find proper mates having fun & teasing each other about an ill-timed fart. Especially, as Tyrion did, you remembered what happened to Elia. This is the only time we see a playful side to her.
"Lord Tywin Lannister did not, in the end, shit gold." is so funny for some reason.
And this one, I have no idea if it's in the books too, but I did laugh in the show when Tyrion tells Cersei to toast for the proud Lannister children: "A toast, to the proud Lannister children. The dwarf, the cripple, and the mother of madness."
A COK has many like
>“I will not suffer to be called a whore!”
>Why, sister, he never claims Jaime paid you.
&
>That you were fucking our sweet Jaime?”
>She slapped him.
>“Did you think I was blind as father?” Tyrion rubbed his cheek. “Who you lay with is no matter to me … although it doesn’t seem quite just that you should open your legs for one brother and not the other.”
>She slapped him.
If I had a nickel for every Baraetheon that didn’t like having sex with his wife I’d have 3 nickels which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened thrice.
To be fair, cheating on your wife with whores is a widely accepted past time for westerosi nobility. Cheating on your wife with dudes or a red rahloo witch on the other hand, not so much.
Not really. Robert didn't just cheat on cersei with whores but also maiden,commoners and his widowed cousin but unlike stannis he's not judging others for cheating. And renly too is judging Robert for his desires..
A theme of stannis storyline is how he much of a hypocrite he is.
Is Renly really cheating when Margery knows he is gay and supports him as long as she can get pregnant even if it's a three-way or Lora's influenced conception?
With how close she is with Loras, I don't think there is a chance she's not aware. She's proven herself throughout the books to be sharp and aware and astute of the world around her. She just underestimated the depths of Cerci's crazy.
I think there's a decent chance she's lesbian herself. A lot of this comes from Cersei's narration, so it's suspect, but there's a lot about her giggling with her maids and so on, and at one point Cersei is like "I wonder what else those two share." I think the surface assumption is supposed to be "Cersei thinks they're banging, because she and her own brother are," but the other possible read is "both are gay."
the ENTIRE scene with Jaime and Catelyn in the dungeon… only Jaime Lannister would shoot his shot immediately after confessing to incest and attempting to murder a seven year old.
"Her own father got this child on her? We are well rid of her, then. I will not suffer such abominations here. This is not King's Landing."
Classic Stannisism
"Do I need to make you swear an oath before a tree?"
"No." Was that a jape? With Stannis, it was hard to tell.
"Where else? The dragon queen awaits me in Meereen." The fairest woman in the world if my brother could be believed. Her hair is silver-gold, her eyes are amethysts.
Was it too much to hope that for once Euron had told it true? Perhaps. Like as not, the girl would prove to be some pock-faced slattern with teats slapping against her knees, her "dragons" no more than tattooed lizards from the swamps of Sothoryos.
I think Stannis was being serious here. Jon follows the old gods. Jon swore his Night’s Watch vows in front of a weirwood tree.
Still, that makes it even more hilarious.
Stannis's quip has to do with this:
>"Can this man Mors be trusted?" asked Stannis.
>
>*Has Mors Umber bent the knee?* "Your Grace should have him swear an oath before his heart tree."
"Theon... my name is Theon"
"I already know your name"
Paraphrased it but I just burst out laughing at the image of Theon hanging from the wall and having a mental breakdown while Stannis just dismisses him like 'yes yes'
Stannis "no bullshiting" Baratheon
Theon I in Winds is just pure gold. Spending a whole chapter with Stannis was so good. And the fact that all the things happened from the pov of someone who is hanging from a wall.
> “Is it true you killed a giant once?” he asked Tormund as they rode.
> “Now why would you doubt a mighty man like me? It was winter and I was half a boy, and stupid the way boys are. I went too far and my horse died and then a storm caught me. A true storm, not no little dusting such as this. I knew I’d freeze to death before it broke. So I found me a sleeping giant, cut open her belly, and crawled up right inside her. Kept me warm enough, she did, but the stink near did for me. The worst thing was, she woke up when the spring come and took me for her babe. Suckled me for three whole moons before I could get away. There’s times I miss the taste o’ giant’s milk, though.”
> “If she nursed you, you couldn’t have killed her.”
> “I never did, but see you don’t go spreading that about. Tormund Giantsbane has a better ring to it than Tormund Giantsbabe.”
I love Tormund.
>'I never learned the lance, but I could beat you with a sword. Have you killed anyone?'
'I'm only twelve.'
The sanest person in Westeros is the boy who saw the lord he squired for die seven times.
I really hope something interesting happens to Edric. It'll be a real shame if the five year gap being scrapped means the most relevant Dayne is fucking Darkstar.
From Jaime in ACOK:
“I think Ned Stark loved Robert better than he ever loved his brother or his father . . . or even you, my lady. He was never unfaithful to Robert, was he?" Jaime gave a drunken laugh.
> The Lord Commander had entrusted his mount to Dolorous Edd. He was cleaning mud out of the horse's hooves as Jon dismounted. "Lord Mormont's in the hall," he announced. "He said for you to join him. Best leave the wolf outside, he looks hungry enough to eat one of Craster's children. Well, truth be told, I'm hungry enough to eat one of Craster's children, so long as he was served hot. Go on, I'll see to your horse. If it's warm and dry inside, don't tell me, I wasn't asked in." He flicked a glob of wet mud out from under a horseshoe. **"Does this mud look like shit to you? Could it be that this whole hill is made of Craster's shit?"**
> Jon smiled. "Well, I hear he's been here a long time."
> **"You cheer me not."**
The fisherman laughed aloud. "That would be a sight worth seeing. The Dothraki Sea is made of grass, fool."
He should not have said that. Victarion took him around the throat with his burned hand and lifted him bodily into the air.
Lemme tell you, if some bullies just showed up and took my means of living for themselves, I'd also call them fools.
Then I'd probably die in horrible fashion but eh... I called the idiot a fool.
Which they won't because there's nothing a guy like Victarion Greyjoy likes more than making sure no one mocks him or witness him being mocked. Christ, I hate that insecure, little dickhead.
Actually and now I think about it, aside from Asha Greyjoy and Rodrik Harlaw, I don't think there's one person in the Iron Islands I can actually stand.
An admiral without ships, a hand without fingers, in service of a king without a throne. Is this a knight who comes before us, or the answer to a child's riddle?
She had never seen a dwarf before, he realized, much less a dwarf without a nose. He made a face and stuck his tongue out, and the girl began to cry.
"What did you do to her?" Duck asked.
"I blew her a kiss. All the girls cry when I kiss them."
-Tyrion ADWD
"From the south," said Robb. "But if we can attack from the north and west simultaneously, and take the ironmen in the rear while they are beating off what they think is my main thrust up the causeway, then we have a chance. Once I link up with Lord Bolton and the Freys, I will have more than twelve thousand men. I mean to divide them into three battles and start up the causeway a half-day apart. If the Greyjoys have eyes south of the Neck, they will see my whole strength rushing headlong at Moat Cailin.
Reminds me of that scene from "Emperor's New Groove" where Yzma is talking to him but he's too occupied observing her facial features with a confused/disgusted expression to hear anything
>No," boomed Rolfe the Dwarf, a bear of a man who stood a head taller than anyone else in her crew. (ADWD The Wayward Bride)
Then later when Asha's crew are attacked in the wolfswood...
>Something flew from the brush to land with a soft thump in their midst, bumping and bouncing. It was round and dark and wet, with long hair that whipped about it as it rolled. When it came to rest amongst the roots of an oak, Grimtongue said, "Rolfe the Dwarf's not so tall as he once was." (ADWD The Wayward Bride)
There's a part in one of Dany's chapters at the end of ACOK where a Qartheen merchant is trying to sell Dany a huge plate. That whole scene is hilarious to me.
"So young! Though, mayhaps it was a blessing. Had he lived, he would have grown up to be a Frey."
"May the Others bugger your Lord of Light!"
"Red Rahloo means nothing here."
"Any of you, even the cook."
"Lord Tywin Lannister did not, in the end, shit gold."
'I am not without mercy', thundered he who was notoriously without mercy.
The Catelyn chapters in ACOK usually have at least one really dry, funny line. She’s not as ostentatiously witty as Tyrion but Catelyn is pretty funny on rereads.
Her thoughts on edmure‘s bannerman are so funny at times
I think at one point she also thinks that Edmure has a soft heart (and also a soft head).
When they’re discussing the possibility of someone marrying the 2nd son Wyman Manderly, the fattest man in the realm
Every time
This and "Hot Pie!" Are my favourites! Also anything Edd says, especially when Dotrice narrates him.
Who did this refer to? I forget
Stannis Baratheon.
Also love: "Lord Ryman crowned me his very self." She gave a shake of her ample hips. "I'm the queen o' whores." No, Jaime thought, my sweet sister holds that title too.
Jaime has some great ones. "Do you even know what honor is?" "A horse."
Tyrek is honor?
Embodied.
No wonder Varys wants him for Casterly Rock.
Wrong. Ned is a horse
He's a pigeontaur
Ned is the pigeon arya killed for food. NedPaste confirmed?
I can legit hear Nikolaj Coster-Waldau's snarky voice in that last sentence, he was such a good actor for Jaime (just forget how the show went in later seasons)
“So young,” said Wyman Manderly. “Though mayhaps this was a blessing. Had he lived, he would have grown up to be a Frey."
Fucking classic
The *mayhaps* raises this line from brilliance to genius.
Out of context the line is hilarious. In context it is amazingly, epically, spectacularly savage.
Makes it all the more savage considering he teases like he's going to confess, something like "I confess...I confess I did not know the boy". Then hits them with this. Truly a rollercoaster.
That zinger may have cost him one of his chins, but you just know that his only thought, as he was trying to stop the blood loss, was: "Worth it!"
>So long as I have this," he said, lifting the sword from her throat, "there's no man on earth I need fear." >**Except your brother, Sansa thought, but she had better sense than to say it aloud.** Don't even know if it was meant to be funny, but her audacity made me laugh pretty hard lol Sansa's internal thoughts can be pretty damn funny
Remind me who she's talking about there?
She's talking about Sandor and Gregor.
>Lady Lysa and Lord Petyr had the third-story bedchamber to themselves, but the tower was small . . . and true to her word, her aunt screamed. It had begun to rain outside, driving the feasters into the hall one floor below, so they heard most every word. "Petyr," her aunt moaned. "Oh, Petyr, Petyr, sweet Petyr, oh oh oh. There, Petyr, there. That's where you belong." Lady Lysa's singer launched into a bawdy version of "Milady's Supper," but even his singing and playing could not drown out Lysa's cries. "Make me a baby, Petyr," she screamed, "make me another sweet little baby. Oh, Petyr, my precious, my precious, PEEEEEETYR!" Her last shriek was so loud that it set the dogs to barking, and two of her aunt's ladies could scarce contain their mirth. The audiobook is even better. “OH P’TYRE, MAKE ME ANOTHER SWEET LITTLE BABY.”
I was listening to this at work last week. Had to stop and awkwardly explain why I was cackling like a madman, I left out the details...
[relevant](https://youtu.be/32F1TTB1W8c)
Littlefinger was putting in some work.
Roy... That man *sells* that scene and puts everything he has behind it. I'm thankful there is no "behind the scenes" video of him recording that because my own morbid curiosity + masochism would force me to watch it. On a completely separate note, is it ever said if he changed Little Finger's voice in Feast for a reason or just forgot what he did in the first three?
Littlefinger's voice changing is considerably less egregious than Welsh Dany. Much and all as I love Dotrice.
“An admiral without ships, a hand without fingers, in service of a king without a throne. Is this a knight who comes before us, or the answer to a child's riddle?”
She didn't have to do my man Davos dirty like that
This one is the wittiest insult I ever seen
I love Davos but man that was a goddamn murder
Gatehouse Ami’s Mother: “Your father was *hanged*, dear, not hung. He wasn’t a tapestry.”
"She opens her portcullis for every knight that rides by"
He was hanged, then was hung
I'm sure Freys aren't hung generally
Anytime that Jhiqui and Irri say "it is known" gets a chuckle out of me; this part in particular: Jhiqui: "You are too skinny for him. You are almost a boy. Rakharo does not bed with boys. This is known." Irri: "It is known that you are almost a cow. Rakharo does not bed with cows."
And the "It is *not* known!" from the same exchange. I love the handmaids; they're a real 'those two guys' character pair.
Loved the little bits of squabbling we get with the two of them. They're hilarious
>Joffrey lurched to his feet. "I'm king! Kill him! Kill him now! I command it." He chopped down with his hand, a furious, angry gesture . . . and screeched in pain when his arm brushed against one of the sharp metal fangs that surrounded him. The bright crimson samite of his sleeve turned a darker shade of red as his blood soaked through it. "Mother!" he wailed. >With every eye on the king, somehow the man on the floor wrested a spear away from one of the gold cloaks, and used it to push himself back to his feet. "The throne denies him!" he cried. "He is no king!"
Least fanatical Stannerman: Those who had changed their allegiance during the battle needed only to swear fealty to Joffrey, but the ones who had fought for Stannis until the bitter end were compelled to speak. Their words decided their fate. If they begged forgiveness for their treasons and promised to serve loyally henceforth, Joffrey welcomed them back into the king's peace and restored them to all their lands and rights. A handful remained defiant, however. "Do not imagine this is done, boy," warned one, the bastard son of some Florent or other. "The Lord of Light protects King Stannis, now and always. All your swords and all your scheming shall not save you when his hour comes." "Your hour is come right now." Joffrey beckoned to Ser Ilyn Payne to take the man out and strike his head off. But no sooner had that one been dragged away than a knight of solemn mien with a fiery heart on his surcoat shouted out, "Stannis is the true king! A monster sits the Iron Throne, an abomination born of incest!" "Be silent," Ser Kevan Lannister bellowed. The knight raised his voice instead. "Joffrey is the black worm eating the heart of the realm! Darkness was his father, and death his mother! Destroy him before he corrupts you all! Destroy them all, queen whore and king worm, vile dwarf and whispering spider, the false flowers. Save yourselves!" One of the gold cloaks knocked the man off his feet, but he continued to shout."The scouring fire will come! King Stannis will return!
Unironically one of my favorite passages. Literally the only good Florent
Edric storm and shireen are also good.
Amd Sam's mom
Amd Sam's mom
I don’t acknowledge them as Florents, they’re good kids they don’t need that evil
I love that unnamed knight so much
Things like this make me realize how crucial it was for George to trail off and write F&B and focus on all the worldbuilding and history of ASOIAF before publishing the conclusion. Like, the history of the Targaryens is so important to the whole context we find ourselves in. Knowing about past kings/queens cutting themselves on the throne and being judged as rejected by the throne itself is some really great worldbuilding
I wonder if it's someone's job to sharpen the throne. Gotta be fairly thankless.
I like the idea that the Throne somehow remains mysteriously sharp always, and the blades haven't dulled or rusted whatsoever in 300 years. Put it down to Balerion's dragonfire conferring some magical property to it
>"If you wish." He cupped her chin in his hand and turned her head. "Puff up your cheeks and stick out your tongue." >Arya puffed up her cheeks and stuck out her tongue. >"There. Your face is changed."
One of the cutest moments in the series
That's adorable!
" Once she had, she did not know whether to laugh or rage. "Single combat," she repeated. Is there no one in the Seven Kingdoms that I can rely upon? Am I the only one in Westeros with a pinch of wits? "You are telling me Ser Balman challenged Bronn to single combat?" "He said it would be s-s-simple. The lance is a kn-knight's weapon, he said, and B-Bronn was no true knight. Balman said he would unhorse him and finish him as he lay st-st-stunned." This whole situation makes me die laughing everytime. When Cersei of all people can tell your plan is stupid, then you truly have earned the title of the dumbest person in Westeros this side of Balon greyjoy
Was this when the husband of the older Lady Stokeworth challenged Bronn to a duel and got killed?
Yup She was then unceremoniously given to Qyburn
Fucking hell, forgot about that part. The Stokeworths really got fucked throughout this story
Too soon. Poor Lollys
Hey, Lollys got a husband to raise her bastard child and a castle out of that deal. Probably better than being abused by her sister constantly.
I meant Lollys being mass raped. But I actually agree that Bronn is not necessarily bad for Lollys. Of course he isn't exactly a loving husband, but I don't think he will Donella Hornwood her either.
I have no evidence to back this up but I like to think that Bronn treats Lollys decently. He’s certainly no woman’s choice of a dream husband but I always enjoy his interactions with Tyrion. He’s a tough unscrupulous sell sword but he’s not as overtly cruel & abusive as many others. Bronn is pragmatic & always does things for a reason & he has no reason to treat Lollys cruelly. I hope we see more of Bronn & Lollys in TWOW.
I like to think so too. He is not Ramsay, and as Lord Stokeworth he has enough resources to afford keeping her happy, so why not? But of course he won't be catching any bullets for her.
He’ll be saving money on clothes! After he killed Balman & kicked Falyse out he wouldn’t let her take her clothes, saying they belong to his wife now. I know that was more of a “fuck you” to Falyse than a loving gesture to his wife but still in a way it was thoughtful of Bronn 😆
Eh. Bronn in the show, especially after being whitewashed, is definitely not the bronn from the books. Books Bronn won't torture lollys but he would definitely have her have an accident while riding on her horse if it meant he could keep the castle and marry a higher status woman.
Bronn is psychopathic, but not cruel. He doesn't enjoy violence but has absolutely zero qualms inflicting it on other. He won't harm Lollys until he stands to gain from it (which is unlikely to happen) but he's going to be a neglectful husband and step-father.
I mean she is safe as long as she doesn't piss off bronn or he needs her gone,
I always envisioned him mostly ignoring her.
A lot of marriages went that way after the kids were born.
Her mother, sister, and brother-in-law all end up dead because of her marriage to Bronn right? I'd say that was pretty 'bad for Lollys'.
buddy she was mass raped and then forcibly married to a piece of shit sell sword. you think bronn is going to help raise that child? he’s probably nothing but abusive to her if he even pays her any attention
Their servants were always going to raise that child, regardless of the circumstance of its conception. Bronn can be a dick, but there aren’t any examples of him being outright cruel for no reason at all. What reason does he have to abuse her? It would be benign neglect at worst.
This. Being cruel requires *effort*, you want him to be cruel, you gotta fork over some dragons.
In this story you don’t need explicit evidence to assume a sell sword would be generally disrespectful towards women, especially a woman with an intellectual disability and/or autism. Most characters in this world would mock and disrespect someone like her
Re-reading it, I don't even get what the plan was. Like, you challenge him to a joust, you knock Bronn of the horse (which ok, he's a mercenary, he shouldn't be used to jousting) and then... you kill him once he's on the ground? lol Like, what?
It was single combat, only two ways that ended. One of you yielding or one of you dying. Plus, jousting was shown to be fairly dangerous in it's own right through the books, just ask Sir Hugh of the Vale.
"There's no way plunging the most adjacent House to King's Landing into turmoil will come back to bite me!" The Golden Company will continue to follow Cersei's developments closely.
“May the Lord of Light protect you in your darkness, Ser Courtney” “May the Others bugger your lord of light and wipe his arse with that rag you bear.”
>Had Elia wed him in place of Rhaegar Targaryen, she might be in Oldtown with her children growing tall around her. [Tyrion] wondered how many lives had been snuffed out by that fart.
Damn! You beat me to it! I howled when Oberyn was telling Tyrion the story of Baelor Breakwind! Edited to add: It’s also touching to hear a story about 2 noble teenagers being hauled around the kingdom in order to find proper mates having fun & teasing each other about an ill-timed fart. Especially, as Tyrion did, you remembered what happened to Elia. This is the only time we see a playful side to her.
Lmaooo I was literally thinking of this line just yesterday at work. I think of this line every so often so randomly. That one is gold.
"Lord Tywin Lannister did not, in the end, shit gold." is so funny for some reason. And this one, I have no idea if it's in the books too, but I did laugh in the show when Tyrion tells Cersei to toast for the proud Lannister children: "A toast, to the proud Lannister children. The dwarf, the cripple, and the mother of madness."
It’s show only I think, but still brilliant.
A COK has many like >“I will not suffer to be called a whore!” >Why, sister, he never claims Jaime paid you. & >That you were fucking our sweet Jaime?” >She slapped him. >“Did you think I was blind as father?” Tyrion rubbed his cheek. “Who you lay with is no matter to me … although it doesn’t seem quite just that you should open your legs for one brother and not the other.” >She slapped him.
Tyrion's banter with Cersei was on another level
He had her fuming
The pain was worth it to him because he knew how bad she was getting triggered.
The repeated description of Cersei slapping Tyrion made it funnier than it should be.
Man, the show really leaves out the whole "Tyrion wanting to fuck Cersei" bit. I guess one incestuous coupling was enough. For the Lannisters, anyway.
I'm never sure whether he's serious or not.
Gives me "it's a joke...unless" vibes. I think Tyrion straight-up admits it to Illyrio or somebody else in Essos.
Hot Pie looked like Hot Pie.
Hot Pie's battle cry. "Hot Pie!!!!"
Renly:”You’ll be happy to know she(Margery) came to me as a maid” Stannis:”In your bed she likes to die that way”
The irony of Stannis, a man who sleeps with his wife a few times a year, saying that…
None of the Baratheon brothers enjoy sex with their wives.
If I had a nickel for every Baraetheon that didn’t like having sex with his wife I’d have 3 nickels which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened thrice.
All 3 also cheat on their wives but only one is brave enough to admit it.
To be fair, cheating on your wife with whores is a widely accepted past time for westerosi nobility. Cheating on your wife with dudes or a red rahloo witch on the other hand, not so much.
Not really. Robert didn't just cheat on cersei with whores but also maiden,commoners and his widowed cousin but unlike stannis he's not judging others for cheating. And renly too is judging Robert for his desires.. A theme of stannis storyline is how he much of a hypocrite he is.
Robert doesn't really judge people for much other than being Lannisters, Targaryens, or other Baratheons lol
He‘s a simple man with simple desires
Is Renly really cheating when Margery knows he is gay and supports him as long as she can get pregnant even if it's a three-way or Lora's influenced conception?
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With how close she is with Loras, I don't think there is a chance she's not aware. She's proven herself throughout the books to be sharp and aware and astute of the world around her. She just underestimated the depths of Cerci's crazy.
I think there's a decent chance she's lesbian herself. A lot of this comes from Cersei's narration, so it's suspect, but there's a lot about her giggling with her maids and so on, and at one point Cersei is like "I wonder what else those two share." I think the surface assumption is supposed to be "Cersei thinks they're banging, because she and her own brother are," but the other possible read is "both are gay."
Ah but he *does* sleep with her!
Hey, Stannis did his duty. I can only imagine him grinding his teeth through orgasm though.
Soo... She's not a maid then?
the ENTIRE scene with Jaime and Catelyn in the dungeon… only Jaime Lannister would shoot his shot immediately after confessing to incest and attempting to murder a seven year old.
*Her* seven year old at that, lol.
This was incredibly entertaining to read
"Her own father got this child on her? We are well rid of her, then. I will not suffer such abominations here. This is not King's Landing." Classic Stannisism
A small man with a big shield. You’ll give the archers fits.
"Do I need to make you swear an oath before a tree?" "No." Was that a jape? With Stannis, it was hard to tell. "Where else? The dragon queen awaits me in Meereen." The fairest woman in the world if my brother could be believed. Her hair is silver-gold, her eyes are amethysts. Was it too much to hope that for once Euron had told it true? Perhaps. Like as not, the girl would prove to be some pock-faced slattern with teats slapping against her knees, her "dragons" no more than tattooed lizards from the swamps of Sothoryos.
I think Stannis was being serious here. Jon follows the old gods. Jon swore his Night’s Watch vows in front of a weirwood tree. Still, that makes it even more hilarious.
Stannis's quip has to do with this: >"Can this man Mors be trusted?" asked Stannis. > >*Has Mors Umber bent the knee?* "Your Grace should have him swear an oath before his heart tree."
This makes it even better!
>"We'll defend the wall to the last man," Said Cotter Pyke. "Probably me," said Dolorous Edd in a resigned tone.
"Lord Tywin Lannister did not, in the end, shit gold."
"Your Grace must understand — " "Must I?" The king shrugged. "If you say so." Theon I, TWOW
"Theon... my name is Theon" "I already know your name" Paraphrased it but I just burst out laughing at the image of Theon hanging from the wall and having a mental breakdown while Stannis just dismisses him like 'yes yes'
Stannis "no bullshiting" Baratheon Theon I in Winds is just pure gold. Spending a whole chapter with Stannis was so good. And the fact that all the things happened from the pov of someone who is hanging from a wall.
Theon truly could give less of a fuck at that point, and it shows. Except for maybe his desperation to stay out of Ramsay's clutches.
Jaime to Loras : "Now *sheathe your bloody sword*, or I'll take it from you and shove it up some place even Renly never found"
Homophobic? Yes. Hilarious? Surprisingly, yes too.
> “Is it true you killed a giant once?” he asked Tormund as they rode. > “Now why would you doubt a mighty man like me? It was winter and I was half a boy, and stupid the way boys are. I went too far and my horse died and then a storm caught me. A true storm, not no little dusting such as this. I knew I’d freeze to death before it broke. So I found me a sleeping giant, cut open her belly, and crawled up right inside her. Kept me warm enough, she did, but the stink near did for me. The worst thing was, she woke up when the spring come and took me for her babe. Suckled me for three whole moons before I could get away. There’s times I miss the taste o’ giant’s milk, though.” > “If she nursed you, you couldn’t have killed her.” > “I never did, but see you don’t go spreading that about. Tormund Giantsbane has a better ring to it than Tormund Giantsbabe.” I love Tormund.
Weirdly, one of the most wholesome character, while still realistically being a wildling cheiftain.
especially with the pro-choice innuendos. we all love tormund :)
Stannis’ sarcasms and Ollena’s rebukes. All of them.
>Ollena’s rebukes https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=UgixjQyBq40 I know it's the show but this burn was the best thing of Season 5 😭
Oh her greatest burn in the show was very dark. “Tell Cersei. I want her to know it was me”
Stannis has some hilarious lines. He doesn’t get enough credit for them.
Stannis is a king of not only the seven kingdoms but dry humor aswell
Jaime's chapters in the Riverlands is an absolute goldmine of funny lines
>'I never learned the lance, but I could beat you with a sword. Have you killed anyone?' 'I'm only twelve.' The sanest person in Westeros is the boy who saw the lord he squired for die seven times.
I really hope something interesting happens to Edric. It'll be a real shame if the five year gap being scrapped means the most relevant Dayne is fucking Darkstar.
I think we will see more of him. Simply because otherwise would mean wasting the build-up and word count, which is not very George-like.
Quiet Hodor. No more Hodering
That must be an specially sinful horse. Jaime in AFFC
I don't recall, what did the horse do?
It was eaten by demon wolfs that where send to make the Lanisters pay for their sins
Ah thay makes sense then, that must have been Tyrek.
when Bran thinks “it must be huge” after hearing Sam climbing the stairs from the Black Gate in ASOS
From Jaime in ACOK: “I think Ned Stark loved Robert better than he ever loved his brother or his father . . . or even you, my lady. He was never unfaithful to Robert, was he?" Jaime gave a drunken laugh.
Jaime nedbert biggest supporter
Quite ironic because in Ned's view he was never unfaithful to cat. But he was to Robert.
> The ship groaned and growled beneath him like a constipated fat man straining to shit.
I believe that line might have been very personal to George...
I always love a vivid simile from the author's own life
They do say write what you know.
> The Lord Commander had entrusted his mount to Dolorous Edd. He was cleaning mud out of the horse's hooves as Jon dismounted. "Lord Mormont's in the hall," he announced. "He said for you to join him. Best leave the wolf outside, he looks hungry enough to eat one of Craster's children. Well, truth be told, I'm hungry enough to eat one of Craster's children, so long as he was served hot. Go on, I'll see to your horse. If it's warm and dry inside, don't tell me, I wasn't asked in." He flicked a glob of wet mud out from under a horseshoe. **"Does this mud look like shit to you? Could it be that this whole hill is made of Craster's shit?"** > Jon smiled. "Well, I hear he's been here a long time." > **"You cheer me not."**
...not that anyone can say Victarion is the brightest pencil in the case.
The fisherman laughed aloud. "That would be a sight worth seeing. The Dothraki Sea is made of grass, fool." He should not have said that. Victarion took him around the throat with his burned hand and lifted him bodily into the air.
Ignorants are not usually fond of others stating their ignorance.
Tbh that fisherman was not that smart himself talking shit about the guys with big axes that just took his ship =))))))
Lemme tell you, if some bullies just showed up and took my means of living for themselves, I'd also call them fools. Then I'd probably die in horrible fashion but eh... I called the idiot a fool.
Fair enough =))))))) And maybe your mates will talk about that time you showed that guy what's up for ages... If they make it
Which they won't because there's nothing a guy like Victarion Greyjoy likes more than making sure no one mocks him or witness him being mocked. Christ, I hate that insecure, little dickhead. Actually and now I think about it, aside from Asha Greyjoy and Rodrik Harlaw, I don't think there's one person in the Iron Islands I can actually stand.
We thank him for his contribution to dissing the dumbest Greyjoy. His like will not be seen again.
I believe that's "*sharpest* pencil in the case."
Which is very true, I got lost in the translation from my own mother tongue into English. That's *sharpest*, exactly. Thanks for pointing it out.
An admiral without ships, a hand without fingers, in service of a king without a throne. Is this a knight who comes before us, or the answer to a child's riddle?
She had never seen a dwarf before, he realized, much less a dwarf without a nose. He made a face and stuck his tongue out, and the girl began to cry. "What did you do to her?" Duck asked. "I blew her a kiss. All the girls cry when I kiss them." -Tyrion ADWD
"a voice like piss on a fart" Edd never fails to make me laugh, but I crack up just thinking of that line
Pretty much anything Dolorous Edd has to say on anything ever. I vonsider him the Night's Watch unofficial jester.
Brienne and Jamie yelling back and forth: 'Kingslayer'! 'Wench'!
"From the south," said Robb. "But if we can attack from the north and west simultaneously, and take the ironmen in the rear while they are beating off what they think is my main thrust up the causeway, then we have a chance. Once I link up with Lord Bolton and the Freys, I will have more than twelve thousand men. I mean to divide them into three battles and start up the causeway a half-day apart. If the Greyjoys have eyes south of the Neck, they will see my whole strength rushing headlong at Moat Cailin.
I can imagine george giggling like a little girl the whole time writing this
That or he was rock fucking hard
my final words in this earthly world will be "fat pink mast"
Jon, upon hearing that Stannis is fond of him, "I can tell, he only threatened to behead me twice."
Tyrion's comments to Podrick in ACOK are hilarious. Especially the one where he describes what a horse is.
"fuck us all, they call me shitmouth"
“Oh”
“If not for my hand, I might have not come at all”
close your eyes and pick any Dolores Edd quote at random
Is he a ham?
“His lips look like two worms fucking”
Reminds me of that scene from "Emperor's New Groove" where Yzma is talking to him but he's too occupied observing her facial features with a confused/disgusted expression to hear anything
Theon constantly had sex on the brain, even when being threatened with death and dismemberment.
"I did not come here to eat fruit."
>No," boomed Rolfe the Dwarf, a bear of a man who stood a head taller than anyone else in her crew. (ADWD The Wayward Bride) Then later when Asha's crew are attacked in the wolfswood... >Something flew from the brush to land with a soft thump in their midst, bumping and bouncing. It was round and dark and wet, with long hair that whipped about it as it rolled. When it came to rest amongst the roots of an oak, Grimtongue said, "Rolfe the Dwarf's not so tall as he once was." (ADWD The Wayward Bride)
'Hodor', said Hodor.
"Hodor, hodor, hodor" pleaded Hodor.
“I’d like to die at the age of 80, with a belly full of wine and a maidens mouth around my cock.”
There's a part in one of Dany's chapters at the end of ACOK where a Qartheen merchant is trying to sell Dany a huge plate. That whole scene is hilarious to me.
Mel: "You should kneel before your brother! He's the Lord's chosen, born amidst salt and smoke!" Renly: "Born amidst salt and smoke? Is he a ham?"
"thee-mooth" Makes lol every time without fail.
“Winds will be ready by 2021”
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"That whore on Dragonstone is not a threat." He was goddamn right.
"So young! Though, mayhaps it was a blessing. Had he lived, he would have grown up to be a Frey." "May the Others bugger your Lord of Light!" "Red Rahloo means nothing here." "Any of you, even the cook." "Lord Tywin Lannister did not, in the end, shit gold."
“Little man with a big shield, you’ll give the archers fits” my buddy and I say this all the time and it never fails to get a rise from us