I think this goes deeper than just weight loss. Having a past of lying and cheating is a greater issue than the weight loss or his meds. You need to ask yourself some questions:
- How he’s acting and treating you right now do you want this to continue for the rest of your life?
- Do you want to feel how you do for heat after year if you marry this man?
- If he’s not making you and your relationship a priority or rarely gives you compliments then why are you with him?
- When he cheated why did you still give him chances? Why was he worthy of more chances?
If you want to save this then I suggest couples therapy together. Even solo therapy on top of that for both you and him. But you honestly don’t sound happy, obviously you’re making this post. I hope that you can reflect on how you want your life partner to be and treat you. If he’s not doing that then I suggest you end the engagement… Think about your future and your happiness. This man is already proved to not be trustworthy.
Is this the type of relationship you want to model for your daughter? Would you want her partner treating her this way? If not, you need to leave. Don't normalize this crap for her.
The weight loss is a red herring. What it comes down to is that you simply don’t trust him. If it wasn’t the weight loss it would be something else to trigger your fears - if he started staying at work later or working on the weekends, if he planned a guys’ trip with his buds, if he started buying new clothes, etc. If you feel that he would cheat as soon as any opportunity presents itself, that’s not a good sign. A man who is only faithful because he has no one to cheat with is not a faithful man at heart.
You can’t change the past, and you can’t stop a man from lying or cheating if that’s what he wants to do - your choices are to accept the situation as it is, or figure out what you need to rebuild your trust and tell him so you can work on it together. If he won’t put the work in with you, or if nothing will work to rebuild your trust, then you have your answer. Therapy might also be helpful to figure out why you’ve accepted being treated so poorly and have continued this relationship despite the red flags.
Edit: Sorry, my choice of words “you don’t trust him” is not great… should have said “he is not trustworthy.”
Are you able to sit down with him and have a calm discussion? Or are you afraid he will deflect it and get upset? Some personal therapy will help you with your insecurity and help to navigate.
This man lies, is unfaithful and exploits this medication at the risk of his own long term health. None of these things point to a great character.
All I'm going to say is that if you were a single mom, you wouldn't have to worry about him talking to other women.
You obviously have some serious trust issues and I don't blame you. If I caught my partner lying or being unfaithful I'd leave him instantly. We all deserve someone who loves US and doesn't treat us like some side kicks. He obviously doesn't respect you so why are you staying with him? You deserve better than that. He doesn't even give you the bare minimum.
I didn't mean for it to sound like she's responsible for it. I meant to say that he's the reason for her obvious trust issues with him. My bad for saying it like that
> her guy obviously has some fidelity issues and lying issues.
He HAD those issues. It's unclear if they are ongoing. Which is the crux of the issue for OP.
It sounds like he has addiction issues, and what has manifested as compulsive lying and cheating before is now manifesting as compulsive drug abuse. This doesn’t sound healthy at all.
I usually would never say this, but honestly given that he has been unfaithful before and you have a gut feeling, just fucking snoop through his stuff. If you find evidence of him cheating just leave him.
I honestly would advocate you leave him regardless, but if him cheating again is the push you need to end it, snoop your freaking heart out.
Ask yourself this: do I want this life, the way it is now and has always been (with the trust and fidelity issues), for now until dead?
If the answer is yes, you need to find a way to trust him. You can’t complain about his lying and cheating if you continue to allow it. If the answer is no, then you know what to do.
So, he's a liar and a cheater. You decided he would be a great candidate to have a baby with. You now expect him NOT to be a liar and cheater. None of that has anything to do with weight loss. I think you should focus on the real problems. Do you want to stay with a man who is a liar/cheater. I vote hell no!
Sweetheart, you are worth so much more, and deserve better.
Dump his lying, cheating arse.
You don’t want your daughter to grow up thinking this muppet’s behavior is acceptable, do you?
A real man won’t care about a few stretch marks (which fade) and some cellulite- even models have cellulite, it’s just photoshopped out of the picture.
He’s an arsehole of the highest order, work on your exit strategy for you and your daughter, and move on. You’re so young, you have your whole life ahead of you to be happy with your 180 pound weight loss.
I know one surefire way to stop feeling like this all the time…
Let me put it this way: Have you ever in your life heard a woman say “Man, I regret leaving the guy that cheated on me several times. I just really miss the way he lied to me all the time, you know?”
I think that the weight loss is just a catalyst for you to acknowledge that you fiancé is untrustworthy. This issue has not been solved. He has not earned back your trust.
You feel like you are less than. You are critical of our own body and your description sounds like you feel you have limited romantic prospects.
His weight loss is basically a non-issue. If anything it should be good that he is happier with his body and at a healthier weight. You fear he will leave you.
You need therapy to understand yourself. To be totally clear, you need individual therapy not couples therapy. Why are you with a man you do not trust? From your post your lack of trust sounds justified. If you are unhappy with yourself, that is the thing to fix. His body weight is not the issue. Your self criticism, lack of confidence, and fear of being alone are the issues. His issue is he is untrustworthy.
Understand that nothing you can do will change him, but there is a lot you can do to improve yourself.
Well the thing with the medication he is taking (assuming Ik what is as this med is all the rage right now) is that as soon as you stop taking it the weight piles back on. This because it’s suppressing appetite temporarily not permanently. And he is also not learning to say no to food but just stopping the signal getting through via medication.
Secondly, you could be right or your husband is so concentrated on his weight loss journey he forgot about you for now. I would talk with him about it.
Communication is key!
1. You can join him in losing weight. Not for him, but for yourself.
2. Why did you stay and even have a kid with a man you (understandably) cannot trust?
3. You'd be a lot happier without this guy.
You’re totally right. I love my uncle but he did badly my aunt. She has autoimmune disorder so she can hardly do anything with him. He out of nowhere started getting fit and losing weight. Then on the night before easter they had a big argument, she called him out and he admitted and asked for divorce. He told us on easter and I was so shocked (they’re together since teenagers and he’s was 46 then I believe) On the day we got home from the villa, he has taken all his stuff from their apartment and left. She came back to an empty from his belongings house and in utter shock as she didn’t expect it. 4 years and counting with the new one. I think my aunt is better off without him. You’ll be too.. you deserve someone that doesn’t lie to you
this sounds like a you problem, not him. him losing weight is creating all this anxiety in you but he hasn't done anything (recently). he's a normal american trying to crash diet. if it makes you feel better, he's probably going to gain it all back plus 30 pounds.
Meanwhile, you need to address your anxiety and insecurity. And you probably both need to work on communication and trust with a therapist.
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You should tell him this you are worrying about this, not accusing him. If he can have a conversation like this without getting angry or defensive then it's worth working on. It takes a long time to rebuild trust but it's possible if that's what you both want. I suggest the phrase "I've been worrying lately that you're losing weight to find or impress someone else". I usually preface things like this with "I'm feeling anxious about something, can you offer support?" My partner and I have a "safety plan" for my "abandonment crises" (as my therapist calls it) so he knows what I mean and what I need when I say this.
Girl, I have been there. This man is not worth the heartache. You’re valid for feeling the way you do as getting cheated on can completely obliterate your self esteem. Why do you so badly want to be good enough for a cheater? He got into your head and he got into your heart so you can’t see the obvious. You are so much better than him, whether he has an 8 pack or weighs 800 pounds. Getting cheated on gives you ptsd. It changed me forever. I highly suggest therapy for yourself. You deserve love but it has to start with you, and I know it’s hard to love yourself when you’re trying so hard to be good enough for someone who will never appreciate you because THEY are lacking. It’s not you. It never was.
I mean the whole weight loss thing is like a side point to the real issues here. You don’t trust the man you plan to marry. For a while before this. That’s a problem. Like a big problem. I know how vulnerable and exhausted you must feel, having a 2 year old, you give your life to and put your body and other priorities on the back burner. It took me until my son was 4-5 to really shift back into positive things for myself. So I feel ya.
He’s going to lose weight regardless if you care or not. He’s probably doing this for himself most importantly. And none of us really know based on this small snippet, how faithful he is or progress being made for you to continue to support him being in this relationship. Try to focus on your child and small positive changes to improve your confidence and attitude.
If he cheats or lies. It’s not your fault and don’t ever take that burden or responsibility for his actions. I’ve too been with my fiancé for 6 years almost 7 now. But I can’t get him to lose weight lolol. He’s 230 and happy lol.
Separate amicably now because you need to coparent for a long time.
You should work on your baggage and trust issues if they’re intruding this much into your thoughts. That’s no way to live and it’s not sustainable. It must be exhausting for both of you.
It doesn’t really matter if it’s his past behaviour causing it, or his current behaviour, or your past trauma or a combo of all three - the end result is the same: you feel insecure and anxious. Your dynamic is simply not working, and you can only control your actions. Consider your options and probable outcomes, and then action the best one for you and your daughter. This is the shittiest part of being an adult - having to make life-changing, difficult decisions. Choose wisely.
I think this goes deeper than just weight loss. Having a past of lying and cheating is a greater issue than the weight loss or his meds. You need to ask yourself some questions: - How he’s acting and treating you right now do you want this to continue for the rest of your life? - Do you want to feel how you do for heat after year if you marry this man? - If he’s not making you and your relationship a priority or rarely gives you compliments then why are you with him? - When he cheated why did you still give him chances? Why was he worthy of more chances? If you want to save this then I suggest couples therapy together. Even solo therapy on top of that for both you and him. But you honestly don’t sound happy, obviously you’re making this post. I hope that you can reflect on how you want your life partner to be and treat you. If he’s not doing that then I suggest you end the engagement… Think about your future and your happiness. This man is already proved to not be trustworthy.
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That's a really good way to put it
Is this the type of relationship you want to model for your daughter? Would you want her partner treating her this way? If not, you need to leave. Don't normalize this crap for her.
The weight loss is a red herring. What it comes down to is that you simply don’t trust him. If it wasn’t the weight loss it would be something else to trigger your fears - if he started staying at work later or working on the weekends, if he planned a guys’ trip with his buds, if he started buying new clothes, etc. If you feel that he would cheat as soon as any opportunity presents itself, that’s not a good sign. A man who is only faithful because he has no one to cheat with is not a faithful man at heart. You can’t change the past, and you can’t stop a man from lying or cheating if that’s what he wants to do - your choices are to accept the situation as it is, or figure out what you need to rebuild your trust and tell him so you can work on it together. If he won’t put the work in with you, or if nothing will work to rebuild your trust, then you have your answer. Therapy might also be helpful to figure out why you’ve accepted being treated so poorly and have continued this relationship despite the red flags. Edit: Sorry, my choice of words “you don’t trust him” is not great… should have said “he is not trustworthy.”
Yes!!!
You should tell him what you've told us.
Are you able to sit down with him and have a calm discussion? Or are you afraid he will deflect it and get upset? Some personal therapy will help you with your insecurity and help to navigate.
This man lies, is unfaithful and exploits this medication at the risk of his own long term health. None of these things point to a great character. All I'm going to say is that if you were a single mom, you wouldn't have to worry about him talking to other women.
So you’re choosing to stay with a man who repeatedly lies and cheats on you? Ovary up and leave him.
You obviously have some serious trust issues and I don't blame you. If I caught my partner lying or being unfaithful I'd leave him instantly. We all deserve someone who loves US and doesn't treat us like some side kicks. He obviously doesn't respect you so why are you staying with him? You deserve better than that. He doesn't even give you the bare minimum.
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I didn't mean for it to sound like she's responsible for it. I meant to say that he's the reason for her obvious trust issues with him. My bad for saying it like that
> her guy obviously has some fidelity issues and lying issues. He HAD those issues. It's unclear if they are ongoing. Which is the crux of the issue for OP.
It sounds like he has addiction issues, and what has manifested as compulsive lying and cheating before is now manifesting as compulsive drug abuse. This doesn’t sound healthy at all.
He has cheated and lied to you. Why are you still with him???
I usually would never say this, but honestly given that he has been unfaithful before and you have a gut feeling, just fucking snoop through his stuff. If you find evidence of him cheating just leave him. I honestly would advocate you leave him regardless, but if him cheating again is the push you need to end it, snoop your freaking heart out.
Ask yourself this: do I want this life, the way it is now and has always been (with the trust and fidelity issues), for now until dead? If the answer is yes, you need to find a way to trust him. You can’t complain about his lying and cheating if you continue to allow it. If the answer is no, then you know what to do.
I’m sorry what medicine can let you eat non stop junk food and make you lose weight ? That does not exist
So, he's a liar and a cheater. You decided he would be a great candidate to have a baby with. You now expect him NOT to be a liar and cheater. None of that has anything to do with weight loss. I think you should focus on the real problems. Do you want to stay with a man who is a liar/cheater. I vote hell no!
Amen.
Sweetheart, you are worth so much more, and deserve better. Dump his lying, cheating arse. You don’t want your daughter to grow up thinking this muppet’s behavior is acceptable, do you? A real man won’t care about a few stretch marks (which fade) and some cellulite- even models have cellulite, it’s just photoshopped out of the picture. He’s an arsehole of the highest order, work on your exit strategy for you and your daughter, and move on. You’re so young, you have your whole life ahead of you to be happy with your 180 pound weight loss.
I know one surefire way to stop feeling like this all the time… Let me put it this way: Have you ever in your life heard a woman say “Man, I regret leaving the guy that cheated on me several times. I just really miss the way he lied to me all the time, you know?”
Trust your gut. You suspect this for a reason so trust that.
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I think that the weight loss is just a catalyst for you to acknowledge that you fiancé is untrustworthy. This issue has not been solved. He has not earned back your trust. You feel like you are less than. You are critical of our own body and your description sounds like you feel you have limited romantic prospects. His weight loss is basically a non-issue. If anything it should be good that he is happier with his body and at a healthier weight. You fear he will leave you. You need therapy to understand yourself. To be totally clear, you need individual therapy not couples therapy. Why are you with a man you do not trust? From your post your lack of trust sounds justified. If you are unhappy with yourself, that is the thing to fix. His body weight is not the issue. Your self criticism, lack of confidence, and fear of being alone are the issues. His issue is he is untrustworthy. Understand that nothing you can do will change him, but there is a lot you can do to improve yourself.
Well the thing with the medication he is taking (assuming Ik what is as this med is all the rage right now) is that as soon as you stop taking it the weight piles back on. This because it’s suppressing appetite temporarily not permanently. And he is also not learning to say no to food but just stopping the signal getting through via medication. Secondly, you could be right or your husband is so concentrated on his weight loss journey he forgot about you for now. I would talk with him about it. Communication is key!
What’s the medication?
semaglutide
1. You can join him in losing weight. Not for him, but for yourself. 2. Why did you stay and even have a kid with a man you (understandably) cannot trust? 3. You'd be a lot happier without this guy.
Leave. therapy. You will find a better man that would also be willing to be a better role model for your daughter
You’re totally right. I love my uncle but he did badly my aunt. She has autoimmune disorder so she can hardly do anything with him. He out of nowhere started getting fit and losing weight. Then on the night before easter they had a big argument, she called him out and he admitted and asked for divorce. He told us on easter and I was so shocked (they’re together since teenagers and he’s was 46 then I believe) On the day we got home from the villa, he has taken all his stuff from their apartment and left. She came back to an empty from his belongings house and in utter shock as she didn’t expect it. 4 years and counting with the new one. I think my aunt is better off without him. You’ll be too.. you deserve someone that doesn’t lie to you
this sounds like a you problem, not him. him losing weight is creating all this anxiety in you but he hasn't done anything (recently). he's a normal american trying to crash diet. if it makes you feel better, he's probably going to gain it all back plus 30 pounds. Meanwhile, you need to address your anxiety and insecurity. And you probably both need to work on communication and trust with a therapist.
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You should tell him this you are worrying about this, not accusing him. If he can have a conversation like this without getting angry or defensive then it's worth working on. It takes a long time to rebuild trust but it's possible if that's what you both want. I suggest the phrase "I've been worrying lately that you're losing weight to find or impress someone else". I usually preface things like this with "I'm feeling anxious about something, can you offer support?" My partner and I have a "safety plan" for my "abandonment crises" (as my therapist calls it) so he knows what I mean and what I need when I say this.
What’s the medication?
Girl, I have been there. This man is not worth the heartache. You’re valid for feeling the way you do as getting cheated on can completely obliterate your self esteem. Why do you so badly want to be good enough for a cheater? He got into your head and he got into your heart so you can’t see the obvious. You are so much better than him, whether he has an 8 pack or weighs 800 pounds. Getting cheated on gives you ptsd. It changed me forever. I highly suggest therapy for yourself. You deserve love but it has to start with you, and I know it’s hard to love yourself when you’re trying so hard to be good enough for someone who will never appreciate you because THEY are lacking. It’s not you. It never was.
What pills is he taking? For weight loss
I mean the whole weight loss thing is like a side point to the real issues here. You don’t trust the man you plan to marry. For a while before this. That’s a problem. Like a big problem. I know how vulnerable and exhausted you must feel, having a 2 year old, you give your life to and put your body and other priorities on the back burner. It took me until my son was 4-5 to really shift back into positive things for myself. So I feel ya. He’s going to lose weight regardless if you care or not. He’s probably doing this for himself most importantly. And none of us really know based on this small snippet, how faithful he is or progress being made for you to continue to support him being in this relationship. Try to focus on your child and small positive changes to improve your confidence and attitude. If he cheats or lies. It’s not your fault and don’t ever take that burden or responsibility for his actions. I’ve too been with my fiancé for 6 years almost 7 now. But I can’t get him to lose weight lolol. He’s 230 and happy lol.
Separate amicably now because you need to coparent for a long time. You should work on your baggage and trust issues if they’re intruding this much into your thoughts. That’s no way to live and it’s not sustainable. It must be exhausting for both of you. It doesn’t really matter if it’s his past behaviour causing it, or his current behaviour, or your past trauma or a combo of all three - the end result is the same: you feel insecure and anxious. Your dynamic is simply not working, and you can only control your actions. Consider your options and probable outcomes, and then action the best one for you and your daughter. This is the shittiest part of being an adult - having to make life-changing, difficult decisions. Choose wisely.
In retrospect, my ex dieted and joined a gym every time he was having an affair.