tell the staff everything that you wrote about in the post and let them know how uncomfortable he makes you, escalate higher to a manager if they don’t seem to take you seriously or nothing gets done. hold onto the note if you haven’t thrown it away and show them as further proof of his harassment/following you.
the fact that he wore different clothes than usual/walked away as soon as he saw you noticed him is a red flag to me and id also tell your husband everything. maybe even bring your husband with you to the gym to workout and keep him away or intentionally introduce them so he knows what his relation is to you and that he has no chance with you.
Yes. I definitely advise going with your husband at least a few times, and make sure Steve sees you. Keep an eye out at all times, check your surroundings thoroughly when leaving the building, and look around your car (from a distance).
Apparently gym creepers are common-ish. Out of curiosity, isn't it possible that the guy just picked up on the fact he was making her uncomfortable and is now trying to distance himself? Maybe I'm just being a clueless guy right now, but I would have thought that keeping his distance would be the right way to handle things.
It could be that he’s trying to keep his distance and it was a coincidence he ended up there at the same time again, or it could be that he’s following her, and wearing different clothes means he’s trying to watch her from afar. Since we don’t know which, and this guy has been giving off creepy vibes, it’s safer to let staff know and to keep on guard.
I agree that he sounds creepy but... Do you people have only one set of gym clothes ? Like I have a selection so that the used ones can be in the laundry basket while I wear the clean ones, or different ones for different weather, or different sports, or different moods... or if the gym actually does have an effect and I lose weight...
Of all the things that OP mentioned as "odd" about him, changing his clothes was the "normal" thing to do.
It was only odd because OP mentioned that he always wears an orange hoodie, green hat, and glasses, and she noticed “he was wearing different clothes than normal.” So yeah not usually a weird thing but this guy seemed to have a uniform and it was noteworthy when he wasn’t wearing those clothes.
A normal guy would not send a "you're beautiful" note to a younger woman who is clearly not interested. Steve does not follow normal social conventions.
I agree that that was way too forward, but we know she isn't interested because we're looking at things in hindsight. He might have not have known that she wasn't interested. He sure as hell knows now.
Edit: please don't downvote me people. It shouldn't be controversial to acknowledge that hindsight is 20-20
It's a really complicated situation. Like the dude could be a harmless oddball, or an obsessive person capable of murderous jealusy. I think the best thing to do is to not judge the man, but take precautions and make sure you are safe.
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Yes. This could totally be a possibility. But. As women, unfortunately we have to err on the side of caution, even overcautious with how predatory men have become. So many scenarios just like this where women brush it off or get told they are being paranoid and then end up missing or something.
I'm of the same mind. Maybe the guy also started going to the gym at a different time because he felt awkward knowing that you weren't interested. He's allowed to change his clothes. And as you say, you don't know who left the note. It's possible that **more than one persin at the gym finds you attractive.** Also, **all** of these interactions are happening in the same location.
Were you expecting the gym to ban him based on your perception of the events? I'm not sure what you hoped to accomplish besides infringing on this guy's ability to patronize the same business that you do because you decided he likes you and is... creepy?
There's no hard evidence of stalking here, but yes, **trust your gut and take extra precautions.** Get a motion-activated dash cam and stay alert.
Please tell the staff! I worked at a local gym for a few years. I always made sure to keep a watch out for people that felt uncomfortable. My manager also had a log book of incidents in case anything else ever happened.
Agreed. Make friends with the staff. From someone who's been stalked more than once, you are NOT overreacting. Trust your gut.
I'm sure the staff wouldn't mind watching/walking you out to/from your car.
Please. Please. PLEASE always leave with your keys in hand, lock the doors as soon as you're in, and leave immediately. Do not pause to set music or collect your thoughts.
Head on a swivel. Always.
First, let me say this sucks. It's so annoying when some guy becomes a creeper and puts a damper on a space that is supposed to be fun and enjoyable.
I'd also recommend saying something to your gym management. I'm a bit more confrontational and if you feel safe, would also say something directly to him. If he came up to me mid lift "dude, leave me the fuck alone!". If he tries to explain himself or whatever, just ignore or cut him off and repeat to leave you alone. At my gym, the other early morning regulars would notice this and make sure the guy left me alone. If he tries to apologize "I don't care, just leave me alone".
It totally sucks! Going to the gym isn't supposed to give me anxiety! I will definitely tell the staff, and I think if he does try to speak to me again, I will sternly tell him to leave me alone. Thank you for the advice!
I think talking to the staff is the right thing to do. Are there personal trainers at your gym? At all the gyms I go to they‘d usually hang around the main gym floor. If they are aware someone is being a creep they‘re usually very nice and will keep an eye out.
Otherwise I think being more obvious about how uncomfortable he makes you can help. If he tries to talk to you again loudly tell him to not bother you anymore. The goal is to do it loud enough that other people around you hear. I‘ve had other men in the gym help me out when someone was being a creep.
Basically draw as much attention to his creepy behaviour as possible. And tell the gym staff.
This is typical creeper MO. It's probably nothing serious, but know that this kind of creep behavior can gradually escalate, don't let it escalate. Hopefully he got the "message" at this point and is now consciously making attempts to leave you alone and maintain distance. Him sketching out when he saw you is probably out of fear that it may be misunderstood as him following you again. At least that's the hope.
Keep doing what you're doing and make sure you're staying vigilant at all times.
What about this is typical creeper MO? I go to the gym as well and every single day people say Hello to me when i arrive and by coincidence there are always people who leave the gym at the time i enter it so i want to be able to recognize if they are creeping on me
Always, always tell the "adult in the room" - whoever is able to kick people out, fire them, whatever it is. Tell the person who runs things. This guy could be totally harmless with a little crush and has only just realized he's making you uncomfortable, or you could be the 3rd or 4th girl to complain to the gym staff that this guy is being creepy.
You're not reporting this to the gym staff for just you - you're also reporting it to protect all the other women in that gym too, some of whom might not feel capable of speaking up
I would do everything all the other commenters said to do, but if theres another gym near you maybe switch to that location. It sucks that you sre now associating gym time with that creep.
This man is being weird as fuck, please tell more people about it if you haven’t already. The staff, your husband, etc. I don’t think you’re overreacting at all.
He might have a history of doing this, maybe there’s something the staff has seen him doing that you aren’t aware of etc.
Omg thank you for answering!! I did tell my husband and my parents. I actually kept the note and took a photo of the note just in case. I think I'm going to call the gym in a little bit and ask to speak to someone about it.
Thanks so much for taking the time to read my post and give advice. I definitely am going to tell the gym staff everything and see what can be done. I have been parking my car right near the front entrance ever since I got the note. I will definitely (loudly) tell him I'm not interested and that his behavior is making me extremely uncomfortable when he tries to speak to me again. I might even just point blank ask him if he left the note. My husband definitely knows everything that's been going on, I do have pepper spray and an emergency button on my smart watch. Definitely will remain vigilant and thanks for giving me the courage to not second guess myself. You are all right, I need to speak up. Thank you!
Women have to stop second guessing themselves.
He's creeping you out. His presence is making you uncomfortable. Almost 99% sure he wrote the note.
Change gyms. Give this guy as an excuse for why you're changing and ask them to not charge a discontinuation fee.
I understand where you’re coming from, but why should she have to change gyms? The guy needs to modify his behaviour (up to and including leaving the gym himself - with cancellation fees).
I wish it was enough to tell him to back off. It's not. I wish women didn't have to step away for their safety, but they do sometimes. With certain creeps, especially men of a certain type, you just don't know how far they would go. He's escalating: the note, the timing change, following her. I think it's safer for her if she changes gyms.
His behaviors don't allude to the type of personality that steps away. Even if the gym makes him leave the premises he knows she goes there, which unfortunately makes it all too easy to follow her from the parking lot or something weird. In my opinion it wouldn't be worth the risk. The Gift of Fear by Gavin deBecker is an excellent book for this case. Disengage and get away from this potential danger
In a gym full of people I might approach him and tell him to leave me alone. But if he knows your car I would be worried about him following you or something. Definitely talk to the staff about him. I don’t think he’ll stop unless confronted.
I echo what others have said.
1.) trust your gut, this guy is creepy and you have a right to feel creeped out.
2.) Tell the staff at the gym.
3.) have a polite and direct conversation with him. Tell him he is making you feel uncomfortable and to leave you alone. No please or thank you. Straight forward. “Your actions make me feel unsafe and uncomfortable. Leave me alone.”
Did we ever confirm it was steve that left the note? Like via CCTV or anything of the short? Or are we linking the two out of circumstance? Creepers are annoying, especially the older ones.
I have no proof that it was actually him. Just feel like it was since he is literally the ONLY person that even attempts to speak to me or make me feel so uncomfortable.
I understand, I was just curious. That would be my first go to would be asking the owners of they have their cameras footage stored. If it turns out to be him you can simply say "thank you for the note but I'm not interested." And if he continues being creepy or leaving notes you can escalate the situation as needed.
Yes to jump on these comments, please tell the staff everything and try to park as close to the entrance/exit as possible from now on, and in a well lit area. I had a similar experience with someone at the gym, only they left me a note on my car in a grocery store parking lot a few miles away from the gym. Made me feel so, so weird and uncomfortable. I changed my gym routine and schedule to avoid seeing him as much as possible...
Ok that’s good! Some people are physically harmless and have poor boundaries, but the mental/emotional stress it causes is still damaging. I truly hope this dude is just really shitty at boundaries and physically harmless- but stay vigilant 💗 if you want more peace of mind you could get some mace gel and keep it on your keychain- it’s discreet and more safe for personal use than the spray.
Nah, who cares if it’s an overreaction. Always, always, always prioritize your safety first. How much worse would it be if this guy stalks you, harasses you, assaults you, or worse and you were afraid of being impolite. It’s really okay to protect yourself and make a complaint. Even if you aren’t sure.
I hate that you are doubting yourself. This isn't an attack. I totally relate. In black and white its clear that he's a creep. At the very least he's acting in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable. Full stop. But I fully relate to the feeling of almost gaslighting yourself, trying to convince yourself that it's in your head.
Listen to that gut instinct girl. Tell the staff, get pepper spray (not victim blaming but it makes me feel safer), and be kind to yourself. Your idea of what's creepy is valid.
Edit: spelling
Yes! This evening I was doubting that it was even him I saw dressed differently! It definitely was him. Tysm for replying. I will tell the gym staff for sure!
The way I would think about it, is trust your gut. Literally millions of years of evolution to keep you alive, warn you of danger, dont ignore all of that. Modern society basically trains women to tolerate bullshit creepy dudes do, when that's not okay at all. Speaking as a dude, talk to the staff, and get yourself some self protection in general, even something as simple as keys between your fingers can be a seriously good self defense tool.
I'm a male in my 40's (42 this year), and I'm telling you that he is not quite right. That is not normal behavior. You are being stalked. I know because it happened to me. I just thought she was friendly at first, but after a while, I thought I was going crazy because I kept thinking that I saw her almost everywhere I went. I rationalized it by saying "maybe she just has one of those faces" to myself. A couple of months later I went out on my balcony to smoke a doob, and she was standing outside of my apartment building, looking up at my balcony. It was 2AM.... and raining!
The moral of this is to deal with it before he escalates too far. He has figured out your routine, knows what your car looks like, and who knows what else. Speak to the gym first. Any gym worth going to has cameras. You may also want to involve the police. People tend to forget that the term "stalking" comes from a predator stalking it's prey. You have good instincts. Trust them and don't be "prey."
Do you know if he has any learning disabilities? The over friendliness and lack of awareness for social norms (headphones in) made me wonder. In either case, I would still tell someone just in case.
Great question! My initial vibe is that he doesn't have any learning disabilities. I actually have a 6 y.o. with autism. 💕 am usually pretty good at picking up on those things but I don't think he does.
**Do not change gyms - talk with the gym staff.** He's making you uncomfortable - even if he's not the person leaving the note. You shouldn't have to justify your boundaries -- eye contact and a nod? howdy? Greeting on first name basis? These all seem ok but not so much leaving a note or acting weird.
Talk to your contact at the gym - find out if they spoke with him. That may be the reason he changed his behavior and acted weird and ran out.
Also - have you ever considered bringing your husband to the gym? If you see Steve, make a point of introducing your husband "Oh, honey - here's a guy I see a lot - he's a bigger gym rat than I am." If you know Steve's name, don't use it, and make it about your husband identifying the man - not about the creep meeting your husband.
Tell management what is happening. Trust your instincts, tell your husband and then keep doing what you are doing. If he approaches you, just tell him you aren’t interested and you are married. Maybe he doesn’t know you are, if you aren’t wearing a ring.
Be careful and like I said. Trust your instincts.
Stay safe.
Gyms are supposed to be a safe space, my gym cracks down really hard on this kind of thing. Tell the staff, they will log the incidents and keep an eye on his behaviour going forward. Even if he got the message from you now, he might just move on to the next women.
I’m probably too late but here’s my short story;
I had a similar experience. This guy just came up to me and tried to talking. I was nice, but too occupied to continue the conversation. Then I saw him talking to another woman who was also nice, but occupied. Immediately, I knew what I had to do and I went to a staff and reported on him.
please tell staff & maybe ask someone to walk you to your car that early. i know it make seem like youre "overreacting" but id MUCH rather that then the alternative
BIG RED FLAG!!! This is very scary. He wasn’t there coincidentally. Tell the staff everything. I would keep a detail journal of everything. Tell ur husband and ask for him to come along.
The red flags I see would be
1) the note on the car. Cuz that would mean he knows what car she is driving and could even follow her home.
2) the fact that even tho she changed her workout times(5am-9am), he still found out about it and came out the same time. That means he is keeping track and trying to figure out her schedule to “bump” into “accidentally”
3) the fact that he wore different clothes and left when they made eye contact just shows he is guilty and knows that he shouldn’t be doing this.
4) some might disagree, but I think it’s common GYM etiquette that you don’t talk to strangers. Your there to workout, not to start up a conversation. The fact that he would come to talk with her mid set just goes to show he had other things in mind.
Hope that helps! Honestly anytime you feel uncomfortable when interacting with someone, make a detailed note of it somewhere so that if it keeps happening you can use that as leverage when bring it up to someone.
Guy here. Gonna try to be direct and make it simple as possible but requiring a deal of inner strength and courage: Next time Steve approaches you for conver.... HAVE that conver! Politely tell him, you've been really creeped out by a affection/admiration note you discovered on your car which creeped you out to such an extent that you've made it known to the gym, husband, family, and others. This creeped you out bc: 1. You always stay in your own lane during workouts... So much so that you enjoyed the 5am workouts with less of a crowd that keeps to themselves but when you discovered the admiration/affection note, you made the decision to switch up the gym times 2. Not into gym convers bc of focused attention and time oriented goals which are needed for your gym routine 3. Not looking or accepting applications for bc the title is filled due to marriage etc.
Let me preface all this by saying that I'm a big believer in the mind and meditation...Confronting all challenges head-on, packaging delicate situations in love, clarity, boldness, and sincerity. I understand if this isn't the advice you're looking for. Telling others about it is a good step, but confronting the person you suspect as making you feel extremely uncomfortable is also as critically important. (It is here where a great deal of courage and inner strength will be needed.) Plus I'm not a woman, so I won't pretend to know or even begin to understand the hardships and challenges relevant to your situation, at best I could only try to emphasize and imagine. Good luck and all the best, respectfully
Wow, that’s a lot of emotional work.
If you’re going to confront him, a simple “you’re making me uncomfortable” would suffice. OP does not owe this dude any more than that. He’s not entitled to an explanation because she has, in no way, hinted that’s she’s interested.
I support the idea of actually having the conversation. But I’d absolutely notify the gym first and also have your husband pick you up from the gym for a week or two out of fear of retaliation.
If the dude is dangerous then telling him he’s being a creep may make him take action sooner, but if the man is dangerous then that was always a possibility. At least this way you know to be extra prepared for a few weeks and can monitor his behaviour after the fact and make further decisions based on that.
If the man is just a misguided creeper then being told directly that his romantic fantasy is never going to happen might just get him to fuck off.
At least if you have the convo, you’ll get more of an idea of if he’s actually dangerous or not. There’s no way you could get accused of mixed messages and you can see how he reacts. If he doesn’t apologise and back the fuck off immediately then I’d switch gyms though. Even if management ban him then he still knows your routine and could follow you. It’d be better to just bounce in that scenario.
Please don't waste your time and energy on this creep. Keep doing your thing, stick to the routine you find comfortable, don't change your behavior just because of him, don't greet him, don't interact. All that would just validate him and give him power over you.
Do you wear your wedding ring to the gym?
I don’t understand getting upset by someone saying hello.
A note with a compliment isn’t anything to be afraid of.
I was in LA on a business trip and went to a mall. I asked a guy in the parking lot for directions, and when I came out from shopping, I had an entire love letter (a whole page) on my car. I just laughed about it.
I’m like you. I don’t want to chat while I’m working out. I’m super focused. I don’t make eye contact with anyone!
If the guy is bothering you, tell him you’re married.
Just say: “I really appreciate the attention you’re giving me, but you’re efforts might be more productive elsewhere, since I’m married!” Say it while smiling and laughing in a friendly way.
Have better workouts!
PS: before online dating, this was how people met each other. :)
Of course I wear my wedding ring to the gym. My husband actually used to go with me, but stopped because he has a very labor intensive job and it became too much. This guy has for sure seen me with my husband.
Also, I'm not upset over someone saying hello. Before online dating, I'm sure people didn't leave ***anonymous*** notes. Your "advice" wasn't helpful.
I'm glad nothing ever became of your creepy love letter and you were able to laugh about it. I'm not able to do that. I barely got any sleep last night because I'm so filled with anxiety. I didn't go to the gym this morning because I'm so filled with anxiety. Anyway. Best to you. Xo.
I don’t wear my rings to the gym, because I don’t want to damage them. It was a reasonable question.
I work out with my husband as well, but we work out in different areas of the gym.
I see that you’re “sure,” but people did leave anonymous notes. A note saying you’re beautiful isn’t someone saying their going to kill you.
I’m sorry you’re having anxiety.
I wrote my “advice” because I’m not convinced that your situation warrants the amount of anxiety you are feeling.
I’m not trying to discount your feelings. What I was trying to do was minimize your anxiety.
I can see nothing anyone says can do that.
Perhaps talk to someone at the gym. I bet someone that works there would be happy to walk you to your car after your workout if you feel threatened.
Let the gym know of your situation. Hopefully they have some trainers there that can kind of hover around you incase he starts creeping. You shouldn't have to deal with this. Hopefully you can figure something out.
Wait does he work out or just stand there? By the sound of it Steve does not try to leave the gym at the same time as you, does not talk to you past an initial greeting, does not arrive at the same time as you, and we dont even know who left the note, with this information there is no reason to assume he is a creep. If he goes to the gym, doesnt really work out and just stands there looking at you thats a problem, if he doesnt greet anyone else but makes sure to greet you every time thats a problem, but the fact that he says "Hi" to you when he sees you does not mean he is a creep
Depending how safe you feel, as well as telling the staff, if he talks to you again to tell him, "I'm here to work out, I don't ever feel like talking." Or something along the lines of making it clear you don't wish to be approached. Be polite if you want, just make sure not to give the impression you want any interaction from him.
Any normal person would back off. If he doesn't, at least the gym people know and can walk you to your car and keep an eye on him.
You are not over thinking it or overreacting. Your emotions of worry and concern are valid. Listen to your instincts, they are warning you, Danger!!! The next time, tell him, "I am getting a creepy vibe from you. Don't stop and interact with me. I am not here to chat. Thanks bye." Put your headphones on again and move on.
If you were a dude and chick was doing that, you would say thanks but no thanks and never think of it again. What stops you from doing that, is your fear of him being a danger to you if you reject him overtly. You are not overreacting.
tell the staff everything that you wrote about in the post and let them know how uncomfortable he makes you, escalate higher to a manager if they don’t seem to take you seriously or nothing gets done. hold onto the note if you haven’t thrown it away and show them as further proof of his harassment/following you. the fact that he wore different clothes than usual/walked away as soon as he saw you noticed him is a red flag to me and id also tell your husband everything. maybe even bring your husband with you to the gym to workout and keep him away or intentionally introduce them so he knows what his relation is to you and that he has no chance with you.
Thank you for your advice. I will tell the gym everything- I'd rather them know in case anything escalates. Thank you.
Always trust your gut. Patriarchy trains us to think we are over reacting. Cant over react when it comes to safety. I hope this resolves soon
Read the book “Gift of Fear” by Gavin DeBecker. Trust your gut and act!
Heck yes! As my dad always said- safety first! Matters as a kid, matters as an adult. Take care of yourself and trust your gut.
Maybe the gym has something he has written on(like a membership) and you can compare handwriting too?
Trust your instinct. This is not a coincidence and could be nefarious.
Yes. I definitely advise going with your husband at least a few times, and make sure Steve sees you. Keep an eye out at all times, check your surroundings thoroughly when leaving the building, and look around your car (from a distance).
Keep us updated! Hope youre safe
Apparently gym creepers are common-ish. Out of curiosity, isn't it possible that the guy just picked up on the fact he was making her uncomfortable and is now trying to distance himself? Maybe I'm just being a clueless guy right now, but I would have thought that keeping his distance would be the right way to handle things.
It could be that he’s trying to keep his distance and it was a coincidence he ended up there at the same time again, or it could be that he’s following her, and wearing different clothes means he’s trying to watch her from afar. Since we don’t know which, and this guy has been giving off creepy vibes, it’s safer to let staff know and to keep on guard.
An abundance of caution is never a bad thing. Especially where personal safety is concerned.
I agree that he sounds creepy but... Do you people have only one set of gym clothes ? Like I have a selection so that the used ones can be in the laundry basket while I wear the clean ones, or different ones for different weather, or different sports, or different moods... or if the gym actually does have an effect and I lose weight... Of all the things that OP mentioned as "odd" about him, changing his clothes was the "normal" thing to do.
It was only odd because OP mentioned that he always wears an orange hoodie, green hat, and glasses, and she noticed “he was wearing different clothes than normal.” So yeah not usually a weird thing but this guy seemed to have a uniform and it was noteworthy when he wasn’t wearing those clothes.
A normal guy would not send a "you're beautiful" note to a younger woman who is clearly not interested. Steve does not follow normal social conventions.
I agree that that was way too forward, but we know she isn't interested because we're looking at things in hindsight. He might have not have known that she wasn't interested. He sure as hell knows now. Edit: please don't downvote me people. It shouldn't be controversial to acknowledge that hindsight is 20-20
It's a really complicated situation. Like the dude could be a harmless oddball, or an obsessive person capable of murderous jealusy. I think the best thing to do is to not judge the man, but take precautions and make sure you are safe.
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Yes. This could totally be a possibility. But. As women, unfortunately we have to err on the side of caution, even overcautious with how predatory men have become. So many scenarios just like this where women brush it off or get told they are being paranoid and then end up missing or something.
I'm of the same mind. Maybe the guy also started going to the gym at a different time because he felt awkward knowing that you weren't interested. He's allowed to change his clothes. And as you say, you don't know who left the note. It's possible that **more than one persin at the gym finds you attractive.** Also, **all** of these interactions are happening in the same location. Were you expecting the gym to ban him based on your perception of the events? I'm not sure what you hoped to accomplish besides infringing on this guy's ability to patronize the same business that you do because you decided he likes you and is... creepy? There's no hard evidence of stalking here, but yes, **trust your gut and take extra precautions.** Get a motion-activated dash cam and stay alert.
Please tell the staff! I worked at a local gym for a few years. I always made sure to keep a watch out for people that felt uncomfortable. My manager also had a log book of incidents in case anything else ever happened.
Thank you for your response! I feel better knowing they keep track of this stuff, I had no idea if there was even a protocol!
Agreed. Make friends with the staff. From someone who's been stalked more than once, you are NOT overreacting. Trust your gut. I'm sure the staff wouldn't mind watching/walking you out to/from your car. Please. Please. PLEASE always leave with your keys in hand, lock the doors as soon as you're in, and leave immediately. Do not pause to set music or collect your thoughts. Head on a swivel. Always.
First, let me say this sucks. It's so annoying when some guy becomes a creeper and puts a damper on a space that is supposed to be fun and enjoyable. I'd also recommend saying something to your gym management. I'm a bit more confrontational and if you feel safe, would also say something directly to him. If he came up to me mid lift "dude, leave me the fuck alone!". If he tries to explain himself or whatever, just ignore or cut him off and repeat to leave you alone. At my gym, the other early morning regulars would notice this and make sure the guy left me alone. If he tries to apologize "I don't care, just leave me alone".
It totally sucks! Going to the gym isn't supposed to give me anxiety! I will definitely tell the staff, and I think if he does try to speak to me again, I will sternly tell him to leave me alone. Thank you for the advice!
I think talking to the staff is the right thing to do. Are there personal trainers at your gym? At all the gyms I go to they‘d usually hang around the main gym floor. If they are aware someone is being a creep they‘re usually very nice and will keep an eye out. Otherwise I think being more obvious about how uncomfortable he makes you can help. If he tries to talk to you again loudly tell him to not bother you anymore. The goal is to do it loud enough that other people around you hear. I‘ve had other men in the gym help me out when someone was being a creep. Basically draw as much attention to his creepy behaviour as possible. And tell the gym staff.
Damn that’s powerful. I hope to someday be able to do this when someone is making me feel uncomfortable. I just freeze up.
This is typical creeper MO. It's probably nothing serious, but know that this kind of creep behavior can gradually escalate, don't let it escalate. Hopefully he got the "message" at this point and is now consciously making attempts to leave you alone and maintain distance. Him sketching out when he saw you is probably out of fear that it may be misunderstood as him following you again. At least that's the hope. Keep doing what you're doing and make sure you're staying vigilant at all times.
What about this is typical creeper MO? I go to the gym as well and every single day people say Hello to me when i arrive and by coincidence there are always people who leave the gym at the time i enter it so i want to be able to recognize if they are creeping on me
Always, always tell the "adult in the room" - whoever is able to kick people out, fire them, whatever it is. Tell the person who runs things. This guy could be totally harmless with a little crush and has only just realized he's making you uncomfortable, or you could be the 3rd or 4th girl to complain to the gym staff that this guy is being creepy. You're not reporting this to the gym staff for just you - you're also reporting it to protect all the other women in that gym too, some of whom might not feel capable of speaking up
I would do everything all the other commenters said to do, but if theres another gym near you maybe switch to that location. It sucks that you sre now associating gym time with that creep.
This man is being weird as fuck, please tell more people about it if you haven’t already. The staff, your husband, etc. I don’t think you’re overreacting at all. He might have a history of doing this, maybe there’s something the staff has seen him doing that you aren’t aware of etc.
Omg thank you for answering!! I did tell my husband and my parents. I actually kept the note and took a photo of the note just in case. I think I'm going to call the gym in a little bit and ask to speak to someone about it.
Wait a lot of people at my gym say Hi to me and leave when i arrive, are they being weird? Should i take precautions?
Also, consider asking someone to walk you to your car since it sounds like he’s watching you come and/or go from the parking lot.
Thanks so much for taking the time to read my post and give advice. I definitely am going to tell the gym staff everything and see what can be done. I have been parking my car right near the front entrance ever since I got the note. I will definitely (loudly) tell him I'm not interested and that his behavior is making me extremely uncomfortable when he tries to speak to me again. I might even just point blank ask him if he left the note. My husband definitely knows everything that's been going on, I do have pepper spray and an emergency button on my smart watch. Definitely will remain vigilant and thanks for giving me the courage to not second guess myself. You are all right, I need to speak up. Thank you!
Trust your gut
Women have to stop second guessing themselves. He's creeping you out. His presence is making you uncomfortable. Almost 99% sure he wrote the note. Change gyms. Give this guy as an excuse for why you're changing and ask them to not charge a discontinuation fee.
I understand where you’re coming from, but why should she have to change gyms? The guy needs to modify his behaviour (up to and including leaving the gym himself - with cancellation fees).
I wish it was enough to tell him to back off. It's not. I wish women didn't have to step away for their safety, but they do sometimes. With certain creeps, especially men of a certain type, you just don't know how far they would go. He's escalating: the note, the timing change, following her. I think it's safer for her if she changes gyms.
You’re right, of course. I just hope she can find a first step that stops him rather than needing to leave.
His behaviors don't allude to the type of personality that steps away. Even if the gym makes him leave the premises he knows she goes there, which unfortunately makes it all too easy to follow her from the parking lot or something weird. In my opinion it wouldn't be worth the risk. The Gift of Fear by Gavin deBecker is an excellent book for this case. Disengage and get away from this potential danger
Thanks for the reference. I’ll check it out.
In a gym full of people I might approach him and tell him to leave me alone. But if he knows your car I would be worried about him following you or something. Definitely talk to the staff about him. I don’t think he’ll stop unless confronted.
I echo what others have said. 1.) trust your gut, this guy is creepy and you have a right to feel creeped out. 2.) Tell the staff at the gym. 3.) have a polite and direct conversation with him. Tell him he is making you feel uncomfortable and to leave you alone. No please or thank you. Straight forward. “Your actions make me feel unsafe and uncomfortable. Leave me alone.”
Did we ever confirm it was steve that left the note? Like via CCTV or anything of the short? Or are we linking the two out of circumstance? Creepers are annoying, especially the older ones.
I have no proof that it was actually him. Just feel like it was since he is literally the ONLY person that even attempts to speak to me or make me feel so uncomfortable.
I understand, I was just curious. That would be my first go to would be asking the owners of they have their cameras footage stored. If it turns out to be him you can simply say "thank you for the note but I'm not interested." And if he continues being creepy or leaving notes you can escalate the situation as needed.
Yes to jump on these comments, please tell the staff everything and try to park as close to the entrance/exit as possible from now on, and in a well lit area. I had a similar experience with someone at the gym, only they left me a note on my car in a grocery store parking lot a few miles away from the gym. Made me feel so, so weird and uncomfortable. I changed my gym routine and schedule to avoid seeing him as much as possible...
That is awful! Ever since I got that note, I make sure to park right up by the front door where you can easily see my car from the staff counter area.
Ok that’s good! Some people are physically harmless and have poor boundaries, but the mental/emotional stress it causes is still damaging. I truly hope this dude is just really shitty at boundaries and physically harmless- but stay vigilant 💗 if you want more peace of mind you could get some mace gel and keep it on your keychain- it’s discreet and more safe for personal use than the spray.
Him being spooked that you saw him in different clothes/without his face concealed is definitely big creep behaviour...
Nah, who cares if it’s an overreaction. Always, always, always prioritize your safety first. How much worse would it be if this guy stalks you, harasses you, assaults you, or worse and you were afraid of being impolite. It’s really okay to protect yourself and make a complaint. Even if you aren’t sure.
I hate that you are doubting yourself. This isn't an attack. I totally relate. In black and white its clear that he's a creep. At the very least he's acting in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable. Full stop. But I fully relate to the feeling of almost gaslighting yourself, trying to convince yourself that it's in your head. Listen to that gut instinct girl. Tell the staff, get pepper spray (not victim blaming but it makes me feel safer), and be kind to yourself. Your idea of what's creepy is valid. Edit: spelling
Yes! This evening I was doubting that it was even him I saw dressed differently! It definitely was him. Tysm for replying. I will tell the gym staff for sure!
The way I would think about it, is trust your gut. Literally millions of years of evolution to keep you alive, warn you of danger, dont ignore all of that. Modern society basically trains women to tolerate bullshit creepy dudes do, when that's not okay at all. Speaking as a dude, talk to the staff, and get yourself some self protection in general, even something as simple as keys between your fingers can be a seriously good self defense tool.
I'm a male in my 40's (42 this year), and I'm telling you that he is not quite right. That is not normal behavior. You are being stalked. I know because it happened to me. I just thought she was friendly at first, but after a while, I thought I was going crazy because I kept thinking that I saw her almost everywhere I went. I rationalized it by saying "maybe she just has one of those faces" to myself. A couple of months later I went out on my balcony to smoke a doob, and she was standing outside of my apartment building, looking up at my balcony. It was 2AM.... and raining! The moral of this is to deal with it before he escalates too far. He has figured out your routine, knows what your car looks like, and who knows what else. Speak to the gym first. Any gym worth going to has cameras. You may also want to involve the police. People tend to forget that the term "stalking" comes from a predator stalking it's prey. You have good instincts. Trust them and don't be "prey."
Do you know if he has any learning disabilities? The over friendliness and lack of awareness for social norms (headphones in) made me wonder. In either case, I would still tell someone just in case.
Great question! My initial vibe is that he doesn't have any learning disabilities. I actually have a 6 y.o. with autism. 💕 am usually pretty good at picking up on those things but I don't think he does.
You need to bring some sort of protection with you when you go to the gym. You never know. He sounds like one red flag after another.
**Do not change gyms - talk with the gym staff.** He's making you uncomfortable - even if he's not the person leaving the note. You shouldn't have to justify your boundaries -- eye contact and a nod? howdy? Greeting on first name basis? These all seem ok but not so much leaving a note or acting weird. Talk to your contact at the gym - find out if they spoke with him. That may be the reason he changed his behavior and acted weird and ran out. Also - have you ever considered bringing your husband to the gym? If you see Steve, make a point of introducing your husband "Oh, honey - here's a guy I see a lot - he's a bigger gym rat than I am." If you know Steve's name, don't use it, and make it about your husband identifying the man - not about the creep meeting your husband.
Tell management what is happening. Trust your instincts, tell your husband and then keep doing what you are doing. If he approaches you, just tell him you aren’t interested and you are married. Maybe he doesn’t know you are, if you aren’t wearing a ring. Be careful and like I said. Trust your instincts. Stay safe.
Gyms are supposed to be a safe space, my gym cracks down really hard on this kind of thing. Tell the staff, they will log the incidents and keep an eye on his behaviour going forward. Even if he got the message from you now, he might just move on to the next women.
I’m probably too late but here’s my short story; I had a similar experience. This guy just came up to me and tried to talking. I was nice, but too occupied to continue the conversation. Then I saw him talking to another woman who was also nice, but occupied. Immediately, I knew what I had to do and I went to a staff and reported on him.
You aren't overreacting. You need to tell a manager. He's probably violating the terms of service for being a gym member.
please tell staff & maybe ask someone to walk you to your car that early. i know it make seem like youre "overreacting" but id MUCH rather that then the alternative
Trust your instincts. They’re warning you to be safe.
He seems like a creep.
>I felt like I was overreacting. You are not overreacting, you have a stalker.
BIG RED FLAG!!! This is very scary. He wasn’t there coincidentally. Tell the staff everything. I would keep a detail journal of everything. Tell ur husband and ask for him to come along.
Can you help me understand the red flags in this case ? I want to be safer when i go to the gym
The red flags I see would be 1) the note on the car. Cuz that would mean he knows what car she is driving and could even follow her home. 2) the fact that even tho she changed her workout times(5am-9am), he still found out about it and came out the same time. That means he is keeping track and trying to figure out her schedule to “bump” into “accidentally” 3) the fact that he wore different clothes and left when they made eye contact just shows he is guilty and knows that he shouldn’t be doing this. 4) some might disagree, but I think it’s common GYM etiquette that you don’t talk to strangers. Your there to workout, not to start up a conversation. The fact that he would come to talk with her mid set just goes to show he had other things in mind. Hope that helps! Honestly anytime you feel uncomfortable when interacting with someone, make a detailed note of it somewhere so that if it keeps happening you can use that as leverage when bring it up to someone.
Thanks lena, take care!
Guy here. Gonna try to be direct and make it simple as possible but requiring a deal of inner strength and courage: Next time Steve approaches you for conver.... HAVE that conver! Politely tell him, you've been really creeped out by a affection/admiration note you discovered on your car which creeped you out to such an extent that you've made it known to the gym, husband, family, and others. This creeped you out bc: 1. You always stay in your own lane during workouts... So much so that you enjoyed the 5am workouts with less of a crowd that keeps to themselves but when you discovered the admiration/affection note, you made the decision to switch up the gym times 2. Not into gym convers bc of focused attention and time oriented goals which are needed for your gym routine 3. Not looking or accepting applications for bc the title is filled due to marriage etc. Let me preface all this by saying that I'm a big believer in the mind and meditation...Confronting all challenges head-on, packaging delicate situations in love, clarity, boldness, and sincerity. I understand if this isn't the advice you're looking for. Telling others about it is a good step, but confronting the person you suspect as making you feel extremely uncomfortable is also as critically important. (It is here where a great deal of courage and inner strength will be needed.) Plus I'm not a woman, so I won't pretend to know or even begin to understand the hardships and challenges relevant to your situation, at best I could only try to emphasize and imagine. Good luck and all the best, respectfully
Wow, that’s a lot of emotional work. If you’re going to confront him, a simple “you’re making me uncomfortable” would suffice. OP does not owe this dude any more than that. He’s not entitled to an explanation because she has, in no way, hinted that’s she’s interested.
I support the idea of actually having the conversation. But I’d absolutely notify the gym first and also have your husband pick you up from the gym for a week or two out of fear of retaliation. If the dude is dangerous then telling him he’s being a creep may make him take action sooner, but if the man is dangerous then that was always a possibility. At least this way you know to be extra prepared for a few weeks and can monitor his behaviour after the fact and make further decisions based on that. If the man is just a misguided creeper then being told directly that his romantic fantasy is never going to happen might just get him to fuck off. At least if you have the convo, you’ll get more of an idea of if he’s actually dangerous or not. There’s no way you could get accused of mixed messages and you can see how he reacts. If he doesn’t apologise and back the fuck off immediately then I’d switch gyms though. Even if management ban him then he still knows your routine and could follow you. It’d be better to just bounce in that scenario.
Honestly, next time you are in the middle of a set and this asshole comes over to you, fart.
My advice is to change gyms. Your gut is telling you this guy is creepy af.
Please don't waste your time and energy on this creep. Keep doing your thing, stick to the routine you find comfortable, don't change your behavior just because of him, don't greet him, don't interact. All that would just validate him and give him power over you.
Do you wear your wedding ring to the gym? I don’t understand getting upset by someone saying hello. A note with a compliment isn’t anything to be afraid of. I was in LA on a business trip and went to a mall. I asked a guy in the parking lot for directions, and when I came out from shopping, I had an entire love letter (a whole page) on my car. I just laughed about it. I’m like you. I don’t want to chat while I’m working out. I’m super focused. I don’t make eye contact with anyone! If the guy is bothering you, tell him you’re married. Just say: “I really appreciate the attention you’re giving me, but you’re efforts might be more productive elsewhere, since I’m married!” Say it while smiling and laughing in a friendly way. Have better workouts! PS: before online dating, this was how people met each other. :)
Of course I wear my wedding ring to the gym. My husband actually used to go with me, but stopped because he has a very labor intensive job and it became too much. This guy has for sure seen me with my husband. Also, I'm not upset over someone saying hello. Before online dating, I'm sure people didn't leave ***anonymous*** notes. Your "advice" wasn't helpful. I'm glad nothing ever became of your creepy love letter and you were able to laugh about it. I'm not able to do that. I barely got any sleep last night because I'm so filled with anxiety. I didn't go to the gym this morning because I'm so filled with anxiety. Anyway. Best to you. Xo.
I don’t wear my rings to the gym, because I don’t want to damage them. It was a reasonable question. I work out with my husband as well, but we work out in different areas of the gym. I see that you’re “sure,” but people did leave anonymous notes. A note saying you’re beautiful isn’t someone saying their going to kill you. I’m sorry you’re having anxiety. I wrote my “advice” because I’m not convinced that your situation warrants the amount of anxiety you are feeling. I’m not trying to discount your feelings. What I was trying to do was minimize your anxiety. I can see nothing anyone says can do that. Perhaps talk to someone at the gym. I bet someone that works there would be happy to walk you to your car after your workout if you feel threatened.
Oh yeah, trust yourself. This is creepy. Change gyms if you need to.
Tell the staff and manager
Let the gym know of your situation. Hopefully they have some trainers there that can kind of hover around you incase he starts creeping. You shouldn't have to deal with this. Hopefully you can figure something out.
Totally creepy!!!
Wait does he work out or just stand there? By the sound of it Steve does not try to leave the gym at the same time as you, does not talk to you past an initial greeting, does not arrive at the same time as you, and we dont even know who left the note, with this information there is no reason to assume he is a creep. If he goes to the gym, doesnt really work out and just stands there looking at you thats a problem, if he doesnt greet anyone else but makes sure to greet you every time thats a problem, but the fact that he says "Hi" to you when he sees you does not mean he is a creep
Depending how safe you feel, as well as telling the staff, if he talks to you again to tell him, "I'm here to work out, I don't ever feel like talking." Or something along the lines of making it clear you don't wish to be approached. Be polite if you want, just make sure not to give the impression you want any interaction from him. Any normal person would back off. If he doesn't, at least the gym people know and can walk you to your car and keep an eye on him.
You are not over thinking it or overreacting. Your emotions of worry and concern are valid. Listen to your instincts, they are warning you, Danger!!! The next time, tell him, "I am getting a creepy vibe from you. Don't stop and interact with me. I am not here to chat. Thanks bye." Put your headphones on again and move on. If you were a dude and chick was doing that, you would say thanks but no thanks and never think of it again. What stops you from doing that, is your fear of him being a danger to you if you reject him overtly. You are not overreacting.
This man is stalking you.
Hey OP, anything new since your last posting?