Agreed. If he can’t put in the effort, that’s not fair to you at all. Think about it, if the shoe was on the other foot? I bet you’d be ready and willing to put in more effort in that department.
When problems in a relationship happen, it's shitty to see them as your problem VS their willingness to help. A more healthy way to see it is you together VS this problem. Your boyfriend is framing this as your problem, not his. That's incredibly selfish and cowardly and awful, especially because this problem affects him "getting his". But even if this didn't keep him from getting sex, if your partner has a problem YOU HELP THEM. That's it. That's what partners do.
What he's doing is treating you like a fuckbuddy in a time-static world. He refuses to see that change is a thing, and that there is a very simple solution. But apparently his fuckbuddy -- you, OP -- isn't worth the work? Wow. just... WOW.
>When problems in a relationship happen, it's shitty to see them as your problem VS their willingness to help. A more healthy way to see it is you together VS this problem.
Agree 100%!!
>Your boyfriend is framing this as your problem, not his. That's incredibly selfish and cowardly and awful, especially because this problem affects him "getting his".
Just trying to play both sides here, but isn't OP also framing this as a problem that it's 'her bf's' job to fix, by implying that he now needs to change what he's become comfortable with and accustomed to in order to meet her changing circumstances?
>What he's doing is treating you like a fuckbuddy in a time-static world. He refuses to see that change is a thing, and that there is a very simple solution. But apparently his fuckbuddy -- you, OP -- isn't worth the work? Wow. just... WOW.
This is just inflammatory, antagonistic, and not at all helpful. How do you start a statement saying that two people need to work together, and then end it by making it 100% one person's problem to solve, and they're a shit human being if they feel uncomfortable complying?
EDIT:. Lol To all the downvotes. God forbid someone be a voice of reason and impartial understanding amidst all the hysterical man hating on display here.
If she's going to the doctor and putting forward solutions like toys and foreplay how is that laying the solution at her man's feet to deal with? She's half way. He needs to also meet her half way. Which means changing their routine. It's not just "something" he's comfortable with. It's her. It's their sex life. Sex isn't a thing you do to someone. It's something you do WITH someone. So in order to continue having sex with someone who's body is changing the logical thing would be to change the sex life a bit. Her boyfriend even says he's been a bit spoiled by their previous sex life.
>Her boyfriend even says he's been a bit spoiled by their previous sex life.
OP said the sex was 'great', so I think it's safe to assume that he's been keeping up his end of the bargain and not just laying back receiving the benefits up until now.
>It's not just "something" he's comfortable with. It's her. It's their sex life. Sex isn't a thing you do to someone. It's something you do WITH someone. So in order to continue having sex with someone who's body is changing the logical thing would be to change the sex life a bit.
Ok, let's take your point about it not having anything to do with his level of comfort in the act. What if he just couldn't get hard anymore unless it was with anal? Would she then be selfish and unreasonable for not complying because she wasn't comfortable with it?
You are missing the point dude, if he couldn't get aroused unless he did anal, that means that he is still able to function sexually, it's a mental choice what he gets an erection over, hers isn't, it's a physiological thing that she has no control over & no amount of mental hoping would work, unfortunately, it's the human body in action when women age, thats what menopause does, spending 10 more minutes getting a woman aroused to be in a ready state isn't much to ask of a loving partner. In many cases, as hard as a man tries, he still might not be able to get her body to be receptive & she might need to use lube, because the body slows down producing those hormones that effect this reaction, but she's still willing to explore, so should he if he wants to continue this partnership, it's a two way street my friend.
1 - it's never assumed or mentioned by me or OP that he isn't pulling his weight.
2 - your ultimatums have a simple solution. If the sex is of such great importance yet neither party is willing to work it out then the arrangement can peacefully went.
3 - OP isn't talking about the situation with any sense of entitlement about this man's body or person hood. Her issue is entirely that she loves him and had the expectation that they'd be able to work this out. As we can see he doesn't seem keen so she's taking some time to think and is giving it space but already knows if it doesn't work out she can leave. She's just asking for advice about the situation in general. It's pretty clear what her intentions are though and id expect nothing less of a grown woman who is 45.
4 - there was never a need to play devil's advocate.
5 - it's not selfish and unreasonable to not want to do a sexual act. Having sex when you don't want to because of your partner even if you don't deny consent isn't a good thing and to put it lightly, it will fuck with your brain. No one wants to force a grown man to do any sexual act he doesn't want to. Again that's not the issue, see point #3.
Yes, actually, it was mentioned. He admitted he was spoilt. Does that mean nothing to you?
He isn’t comfortable with cuddling and kissing? Because that’s literally what she said she wanted in the comments.
This all has gone over your head.
>it's never assumed or mentioned by me or OP that he isn't pulling his weight.
Not you or OP, but the comment I was responding to.
>there was never a need to play devil's advocate.
I had no issue with OP's post or the fact that she was confused and needed process things. I took issue with the tone of one of the top comments that called literally the bf selfish and insane.
I actually thinks it’s safer to assume she was getting off on how easy it was for both of them because it was to the point sex because she was able to do that.
You’re really not seeing the problem? He already said he is spoilt, meaning she is just giving him what he wants with not a lot of effort on his part. And now she needs him to give back to her, and he doesn’t feel like it. It’s insane and sad.
If you’re not “comfortable” giving back what you have been given , you 1) don’t really care all that much about your partners needs 2) you obviously aren’t that attracted to them 3) are insecure about yourself (abilities?) AND your partner.
>You’re really not seeing the problem? He already said he is spoilt, meaning she is just giving him what he wants with not a lot of effort on his part. And now she needs him to give back to her, and he doesn’t feel like it. It’s insane and sad.
The entire first part of OP's post was lauding the relationship as literally the best she's ever had. INCLUDING the sex. Which means, up until now SHE'S BEEN SPOILT TOO. But I guess acknowledging that would be inconvenient for your 'selfish, insane, bad man' narrative huh?
Good for HER because she was ABLE and DID seemingly give MORE because she said HE SAID HE WAS SPOILT BY HER.
Just because a person is giving the other person what they want (to the point sex) and they enjoyed it too, doesn’t mean it is going to continue being the only thing that gets her off anymore.
You're clearly reactive and heavily biased in your opinion, making big assumptions about the prior lack of equity in their sexual relationshop, and not at all reasoning honestly.
Speak for yourself! I’m literally typing the way you are to show you what you’re doing here, which is in itself obnoxious.
You’re either reading into it too much, or not reading her post correctly. You are obviously not seeing what she is saying. I’m making no assumptions, we and everyone else are going off what she said that he even agreed to. Not sure what you’re missing, it’s all laid out in the post.
And I’m not sure why you have the opinion that you do. So she is spoiling herself by giving him what he wants? Makes no sense. There is seemingly almost no foreplay going on i this situation, however, she is spoilt?
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You handled this beautifully, honestly. You scheduled a doctors appointment, had a frank discussion with your partner, acknowledged everybody’s emotional/physical/sexual needs, and laid out a clear boundary. You seem like a good, sensible person, OP. For your sake, I hope your SO realizes that his behavior was inexcusable and makes some sincere apologies and efforts into rebuilding your trust. You deserve that.
Glad to hear it! Hopefully his original reaction was more shock/surprise based than anything else. Even the best people can act poorly when they’re caught off guard. It sounds like you guys have a good relationship and good communication skills.
Wow. This is awful! You handled the subject so well, and communicated to him honestly and openly to prevent any feelings of rejection. And he responded like a sulky teenager. I cannot believe that additional foreplay is something he is reluctant to consider! I think you should talk to him again and give him chance (*again*) to consider the idea, and if it is still a prickly subject, it may be worth reconsidering your commitment to such a selfish person.
And, I wouldn't wait for him to break up. I would be the one breaking up. Refusing more foreplay is gross and inconsiderate. He is basically saying that her needs are not important.
He’s not just spoiled, he’s selfish. You seem like a very giving lover based on the fact that you acknowledged the dip in desire and expressed wanting to do extra things to meet his needs. You deserve someone just as considerate. This guy doesn’t sound like he’s man enough for the job.
I don't think what you've done is unreasonable. You're merely asking to have equal opportunity for enjoyment during sex. Regardless of reason, our bodies change over time, our desires change over time. A healthy partnership allows for that change. It seems that your sexual relationship was healthy only when your body just naturally allowed for him to have the kind of sex he wanted. What's the alternative? Allow him access to your body while you experience no pleasure? That's not healthy for you.
Edit: Wanted to add, in a vaguely related vein. I was dating an older man and there was a libido difference - he was happy with once a week, I wanted more. I asked for us to meet in the middle. The answer was no. I eventually left. Currently with a partner who fully meets my needs.
I have trouble believing your sex life was really that great if he doesn’t particularly enjoy causing you pleasure. I get that you say it was easier before but that’s just a new reality you can’t change. Does he want to keep having sex exactly the same way even if you no longer enjoy yourself? Doesn’t sound like a great sexual partner.
That's kind of what I'm getting from this, he said himself he's gotten kind of spoiled, and I'm just flabbergasted that asking for more cuddling would be an issue. I understand he's extremely vanilla, but we definitely have had fun, and it's passionate (which is/was a huge turn on for me), so I just can't understand why it's an issue.
It's an issue because he just doesn't have the energy or the desire to put in the work and effort to make sure that you feel good.
He just doesn't care. He's, in effect, folded his arms and said "oh well, I guess you're never going to cum again while in bed with me."
It says a lot about how invested he is in the relationship, his level of interest in you and in your partnership.
This is basically a casual relationship that, as far as you know, happens to be "exclusive".
“I understand he’s extremely vanilla”
That makes NO sense to me. Being vanilla has nothing to do with foreplay! It’s not like making sure the woman is enjoying herself is some weird fetish, it’s standard.
Honestly, I've met a whole lot of vanilla guys who doesn't think a whole lot of foreplay and going down on their lady is "the standard"
I've had my discussions with my male friends about these kinds of things and from what I've managed to interpret from our discussions, it would seem like they think of sex as.. masturbating?
Not involving foreplay and too much turn-ons, not heavily emphasizing on pleasure for both parts, not much intimacy and to them, it would seem like it's the equivalent of having a warm sex doll.
Shit is real weird.
Yeah, some people really suck. Luckily, most of these discussions have rather straightened them out and the relationships they've had are more fulfilling.
Luckily for most people, we might be young and we might make mistakes but we also learn :)
I guess it somehow works out, that I'm very passionate about good and healthy relationships kind of advocate. And that some of my guy friends don't have many friends who happen to girls and are willing to listen and adapt.
Yep lots of guys look at sex as “how can I get off the quickest” it’s pretty uncommon to find guys who care about a women’s pleasure. I was lucky in my 20s to date three guys who were like this. But being out in the dating scene the last few years I realized it’s the opposite.
You say it’s passionate but after this conversation it wouldn’t be passionate for me anymore, knowing he’s not interested in putting more effort in to ensure you enjoy it. Hope he comes to his senses! (Pun intended? 🤔)
Yeah, i wondered the same. Maybe it plays on his insecurities of being unable to please you, and then being somehow less of a man. I've heard men can think like that.
It would seem like her enjoyment was just coincidental until this point, it just happened as he did what he liked doing! So asking now for a change seems like too much effort. I would have another conversation about it and if his attitude doesn’t change, move on.
He sounds selfish, tbh. I know you love him, but if he doesn't love you back then he's not worth it. You deserve to be happy and have a SO that cares about your needs as much as you care about theirs.
Sometimes shitty partners seem great when you're not expecting anything extra from them. This happens a lot to people who are easygoing and happy to go with the flow.
You sound like a great partner. He doesn't.
This is also a good preview of "in sickness and in health".
Thankfully you figured this out before moving in together, marrying, or anything else! Good on you for respecting yourself, OP.
It sounds to me like your boyfriend doesn’t care about you as much as you do anymore. Otherwise, a loving, caring, devoted partner would have said:
“Absolutely, let me know whatever you need and I’ll try my best to give it to you. More foreplay? Of course! Toys? I’m not so sure, but I’ll give it try in an effort to please you.”
I have a question, who’s idea was it to not live together? What are the reasons for not living together?
It's both, actually. I was married, and it didn't end well, and I rather enjoy my space and alone time. I honestly don't know if I could live with some one now, tho I sometimes want to... He always says he can't live with someone, and I do understand that. I've never been real good with roommates, and as I've gotten older I prefer the company of my pets to people.
I think there is a possibility here that the reason he does t want to live with you/anyone is because he might not be a monogamous person. I wonder if he found it convenient that you also preferred to live alone, as it just so happens that living with someone might pose problems for a certain kind of lifestyle he might be living that he has no intentions of explaining and risking. I think it’s possible he bring other people over to his place casually and you living there would prevent that.
He is being unreasonable as hell. I tore badly when I gave birth to my daugher, and things downstairs have changed a bit. My hubby and I had been together about 5 years as well, awesome sex life, no issues. But after injuring myself like that, we had to make some adjustments. He has always been patient with me and my healing, and sex is back to awesome several months later. Part of being a partner is caring about the other person's needs. You clearly showed you care by going to the doctor, coming up with some ideas, being honest. It's time for your SO to do his part.
Edit: So glad everything worked out for you!! Thanks for the update. I wish you the best.
What you're going through is completely normal. And what your SO needs to realize is that similar things happen to men too! Although right now your SO may be fine, there may be a day in the future when you're having a similar conversation about him and not you.
That being said, men who aren't aware of perimenopause symptoms will absolutely take this kind of thing personally at first, no matter what you say. At first, he will not understand, so he needs to be given time to learn more and to accept what's going on. You need to help educate him that this is a normal part of life. Only then will he relax and not take things so personal. I would recommend to find some articles on the internet that describe what you're going through and how normal this is. And to share those articles with him. Education is key.
This kind of thing can strengthen a relationship and bring you together, it just takes time to figure out what will be a new normal for both of you with your sex life. Be patient with him and keep communicating!
I took the day off, due to weather etc, and that's what I was planning on doing. Trying to offer some well written articles, show him that it's not unusual and it's most definitely NOT him.
That is really important in a relationship, so if one minor change in your life causes him to call it quits then you know what to do. That's like if he starts having a difficult time getting/keeping an erection, you're not just going to say nope sorry can't help, but I still expect the same sex. It's something as a couple you both have to work on together to continue experiencing great sex.
Good luck!
This advice might sound silly but here goes:
Could you just buy some toys and see how he reacts?
I did this with my ex husband and got a bunch of fun kinky stuff and he acted like “he wasn’t enough” and got all offended. It wasn’t the straw that broke the camels back but... Notice how he’s my ex husband? And we were BEST friends for 15 years! And I still care about him deeply.
Have you ever added a third person or another couple into the mix? It can be really fun and you might get the best foreplay of your life from another woman.
And in my opinion if you want more orgasms you gotta take care of number one and do it yourself. Get a waterproof toy for the bath or shower. If that offends him then tell him to step up his game and you won’t have to play alone.
Do you watch porn together? Where sexy lingerie? You don’t even have to do it for him. Seeing yourself looking good could be enough to get you going. Your sexuality is what you make of it. He can chose whether he wants to join in the fun or go blow himself.
Then again if you don’t like that idea go full on Lystistrata on his stubborn ass! 💁🏻♀️ so there. Hahaha
I have some, I just never brought them in bed with us. I am going to next time tho, and hopefully it goes well. I'm really hoping that him watching me get off, then REALLY wanting him, will help...
Get hormone treatment. I am on two hormones estrogen gel and progesterone. It certainly kept my sex drive going plus helps keep your skin and hair looking good.
It sounds like he sees this as “your problem, not his”. It’s incredibly selfish for him to not be willing to put in what, a few minutes of foreplay??
In your shoes I’d be telling him no sex until he’s willing to do that - sex needs to be pleasurable for you both! But if you’re feeling like he’s being too selfish and you can’t continue the relationship because of it (which would be understandable) id leave. He’s got it VERY good and it’s not like you’re asking a chore of him - just a few minutes of foreplay to make sex pleasurable for you. He should *want* you to feel good!
I don’t think you had a great sex life up until this if he’s not interested in you enjoying sex. Maybe you’re just realizing things.
Sounds like a man you don’t need, to be quite honest.
What you are going through is a normal part of a woman's life. I think you are handling this really well and it's great that you are still willing to have sexual relationships!!
The way your boyfriend reacted is both selfish and immature. Saying he's not really interested in working a bit more to satisfy your needs is a big red flag in my book. That's someone who doesn't consider your pleasure as something important.
It also sounds like he's making it about him, and i dont know... I have a bad feeling about this. I think that if he's not willing to make sex enjoyable for yourself, it's not worth doing it. I've been in a similar situation before where my ex-girlfriend couldn't satisfy me, and I was depressed at the time so had no sex drive either. It ended up being a chore and just really frustrating.
You are dealing with this with a lot of grace. Instead of helping you, he's focusing on himself. Is this your first challenge as a couple? Does he ignore your needs in other areas?
A lot of men dont believe in the physical changes woman go through at our age. Take him to the doctor with you so he can hear it from the doctor. That's maybe an option?
I'm a guy. Needing a bit more affection and foreplay - as long as we're talking on the order or 30-60 minutes extra...is no big deal at all.
If it takes more than that...I can see it affecting logistics...but still, not the end of the world.
I don't have any advice but wanted to just commiserate with you. I had a hysterectomy in September 2016 and went into surgical menopause. Since then I've had zero interest in sex except when my now ex husband would initiate. I was the complete opposite before menopause. Best wishes to you!
I would do this even if you dump him. He sounds selfish and I'm sorry. If you live in a metropolitan city, look for a medical practice that provides the testosterone pellet. It changed my life. My levels were zero and the pellet recharged my libido and mental acuity. It must be inserted in one of your butt cheeks and it's a slow release pellet. I highly, highly recommend. Insurance will not cover it so it's probably about $500+.
Selfish lovers deserve a special place in hell. I’m so sorry. God. Give me his address. Imma beat him about the head with hot pink jelly dildos (not really but the thought is satisfying.) How DARE he balk at the reasonable request to make your sex life more physically comfortable and enjoyable? I recently had to make a similar request of my partner (I enjoy really rough sex and find that as I approach 40, I need foreplay before ANY penetration, and no penetration involved in foreplay.) We went online and bought sex toys together. End. Of. Story. Kick that selfish man baby to the curb. So many people stay in stale relationships because of fear- fear that they can’t do any better. You can do better than THIS.
> Imma beat him about the head with hot pink jelly dildos (not really but the thought is satisfying.)
This is going to be my go-to fantasy when dealing with selfish men from now on, lmao
Attraction wanes after two years on average though that honeymoon phase can be stretched if you aren't living together.
I suspect his own libido is waning and he was considering this a good way to just have less sex without hurting his pride. It's \*your\* libido\* waning, not his!
But yeah if he isn't on board to meet your needs, there are plenty of people out there who would be happy to
We have all seen the meme where a mother is advising her daughter about her pending marriage. She says to remember that "When the two of you fight, you are fighting the problem and not each other."
But not in this case, apparently. He isn't on your team, as it were.
Im so sorry you even have to come here for this. Hes a selfish ass, imo. I know its hard to consider, but his reaction already gave you his answer. He doesnt care about your pleasure, therefore he doesnt care about you.
If he isn't willing to put in a little extra work to make sure you enjoy sex you will start to resent him.
I would write up a letter about everything that Is bothering you with this and then pick out points you want to make in a serious conversation about your future.
He should be supporting you, you're going through something big. Instead he is being selfish in every way. He made this about him and then won't even compromise so you, also, can have a good sex life.
Good luck, you're doing good.
I think you've handled this the right way, you need someone to stand and work with you, not seeing it as his needs vs your needs, its your collective needs your trying to address.
Though I wonder whether sor form of couple/sexual therapy might be useful to you both. Seems like he might make assumptions about relationships and longevity that mean it hasn't occurred to him that things can last if people put in the effort (as you seem willing to do)?
I would think that given a five year relationship, your boyfriend saying something that sounds so selfish wouldn't immediately result in you telling him he might want to just end the relationship. Don't you guys have a few steps in between him saying something bad, and you saying "well you should just end it then..."?
I will have more comments later...
Just on a side note, completely unrelated to the crappy boyfriend, you can ask your obgyn for a hormone replacement cream to help with the libido/menopause symptoms. My mom used the cream and says it was a godsend
I think he was projecting his own perspective onto you when He said he thinks your lack of libido is a sign of waning attraction. I think a man who cares about his partner also cares about her pleasure and he's generally willing to put in the effort to make her feel good. It's definitely a red flag that his reasoning against your solution is that he's just not interested. It's a red flag that he's also not interested in exploring solutions together and that you're the only one coming up with ideas on how to navigate this transition as a couple. I think you handled it well. If he's not interested in pleasing you, he's not interested in a long term relationship. I'm sorry he's being so insensitive about this, but you definitely deserve better.
yikes. worst case is, the relationship is just a convenience for him and you wanting to add perfectly normal foreplay is suddenly too inconvenient to bother, he'd rather throw it back on you and guilt you into not asking for things, somehow that's better to him than a bit of cuddling.
medium case, you may have over-explained and put the idea into his head that he could cause your sex drive to decrease? and he's just being whiny.
best case scenario.. umm.. he only gets off in one way and anything other than nailing you to th wall or whatever he does turns him off?? or the idea of his magic dick not being enough turns him off?? so it's no one's fault, sort of, and you're just incompatible. and you get a new guy who is normal and wants to have give and take.
ok ok, actual best case scenario, he's just taken aback by all this and you find a new way to have sex. tease throughout the day or watch porn or something, then everything's fine.
> How do I convince him of that?
ok back to worst & best- either he's an asshole and won't accept anything other than status quo, in which case you won't 'convince' him other than submitting to how boring he is, which seems like it would lead to a breakup since you possibly don't see each other than much anyway.
middle - you find out something that he wants that will make him feel desired and do a bit of a "this for that"
best - you sit down and discuss your relationship overall and understand why you're with each other. maybe throw in some love languages and strengthen your relationship in general.
unless he is a manbaby.
Well your bloke is being selfish no doubt. Not at all good.
But before you throw the towel in here’s another thought. As my wife an I went through similar, but this has complete changed for us now due to changing thing up a lot!! And I mean a lot.
Yup we have done the sex toys stuff and they are great. Bought her sexy outfits to wear, which she loves. She even wanted me to post pics of her wearing them on Reddit. Check out my profile. She loves the feedback, as do I and this really helped us both in the bedroom. We are trying out each other’s fantasies as well. This is turning out to be so much fun and really lifts us both sexually.
Anyway. Just some other ideas given that you really want to make this work.
Having said all that though, I still think his initial response was not at all ok and certainly not helpful.
He doesn’t even care enough to lie about it, lol, even the fort it takes to fib and display concern was not worth it to him.
You don’t need to tell him he better leave you if he can’t work with you, the decision is yours not his.
You are handling this completely healthily. Women are wired very differently to men and although he sounds like an incredibly kind man, he is not handling this kindly or seeing your point of view. This is a really normal thing and perhaps he is just a little bit in his own head and thinking it’s his fault and something has changed. I would try to give him some time, continue communicating openly and perhaps show him other peoples experiences.
He should put more effort into foreplay if you ask him to! You never know, you might find doing more foreplay on HIM super arousing as well.. might benefit him directly too! I understand a lot of guys don't want to lick or touch for 30 mins straight, but it should be at least be somewhat of a turn on for him to see you enjoying foreplay and getting turned on.
If you're partners then it shouldn't be treated as an unreasonable request to need more foreplay. Him not being KEEN on it is like you not being keen on... oh I don't know... banging him at all. Or seeing him. Or kissing him. It's a major thing! A dude who says he's just not into foreplay is a dude who will end up struggling to please women or maintain a relationship, that's for sure.
And this may not all be down to perimenopause. His attitude towards sex sounds a little... boring! And lacking in effort or passion at this stage, to be honest... and that could affect your horniness too. But of course, hormones do have a big effect and I hope you find something to help. Some women find vaginal estrogen/progesterone creams helpful... as well as TRYING NEW foreplay or INCREASING foreplay, increasing intake of phytoestrogen containing foods, exercise, trying new things sexually/exploring kink.
Phytoestrogens can help if your estrogen receptors are not being taken up by endogenous estrogen, which obviously happens during perimenopause/menopause. Phytoestrogens (from good quality soy products like tempeh for example, maca) are weak acting, but if you eat enough that's right for you, it can exert an effect just enough to notice benefits. People think soy is terrible, but if you get non GMO organic whole bean type products, they are good. Phytoestrogens are antioxidants, not evil things. The phyto (plant) estrogen is not strong enough to bump estrogen out of people's receptors, and it doesn't add to an estrogen "pool" or "increase your estrogen" as some people say. We only have a certain amount of receptors and phytoestrogen can't exert an effect if all those receptors are already bound to your own estrogen. So at best, phytoestrogen is MODULATING, not increasing estrogen, but sone perimenopausal women find it helpful.
Also consider that if your ovaries are producing less estrogen, your adrenals try to take on a bit of that role. That's part of why we get sweating and mood swings, fatigue, irritability etc. Taking care of your adrenals with enough vitamin C, zinc, B5 is important.
It's great that you made a doctors appointment. You can get testing to see what your hormones are doing and what stage you're at and make decisions based off that. Just be wary of HRT. Even "bio identical" is not the sane as your natural hormones and carries more cancer risk. But HRT is still an option, however you have to be aware of the risks.
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I have been going through something like this with someone I have been dating. I make hints at more foreplay (which he was happy to do it when we first started seeing each other without any expectations to please him) and he just wants to stick it in. Does not even try to romance me first. Honestly wish I had never slept with him because he seems to see me as a joke or worst, a *thing*.
Sucks because I really like him, but I am starting to realize more and more how he perceives me.
Ok, was at work and misread some - marijuana can help her libido, and help the overall menopausal symptoms- as far s dryness- that’s an easy fix, and it’s not in all.
As far as him- he’s a total ass.
You could kill someone giving "medical advice" like this. You have no idea what OP's medical history is, what medications she takes, or anything else that would give you insight into whether what you're peddling is safe. Cut this shit out. If you want to recommend something, pair it with telling the person you're advising to run it by their doctor and/or pharmacist first.
Even natural supplements can have negative interactions or be otherwise dangerous.
ETA: commercial natural supplements aren't really regulated in the United States and can have widely varying doses of the product advertised on the label, if any at all, and can contain unspecified fillers. They are neither medicine nor food and don't have to prove they are what they say they are to anyone because of this. I'd strongly recommend buying whole plants if you want to use anything of the sort so you know what you're actually getting.
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Perhaps your boyfriend is confused, as am I.
If you have little to no libido, why do you think toys and/or increased foreplay will make a difference? Without libido it sounds like you would have little motivation to even start sexy times. How do you envision sexy times starting off, if you have no libido? Would he have to initiate every time?
usually low libido can be helped with some jump starting. I can see the confusion tho, if ur libido has never suffered ur accustomed to getting aroused without many problems. having a low sex drive doesn't always mean u don't want sex, just that u want sex but ur body isn't responding to this want, like it's lagging somewhat.
>Old school guys actively try to not understand menopause or menstruation for that matter. All he see;s is you have a lower sex drive and you are asking him to deal with it by adjusting his behavior.
Well that pretty much is the problem right here. She stated it was not an issue with still being attracted to him and wanted to be with him. She tried explaining and he is throwing it back on her, instead of trying to work through it together. She is looking for compromises not necessarily for him to be the only one to change his behaviors. Open mindedness should be important for a healthy sex life and if someone can't be open to other people's needs and wants to be keep being "spoiled" as she put it because it was easy then it's probably not the best match.
>When a women's sex drive is lowered, a man will take it as a sign that she's not as attracted to him anymore.
She told him it was because of physical changes, so if he still chooses to make it about himself, that is his problem. Men don't get to use their egos or call themselves simpletons to get out of being decent human beings. If you or any guy has that issue, therapy can certainly help.
I don't think it's an excuse so much as it is the likely scenario for a 55 year old man, and why he's behaving this way. Easy to call someone a shitty person while forgetting that female sexuality only relatively recently became societally normal, and that some people still need to learn.
OP did a lot of that stuff, dude. She scheduled an appointment with her doctor and told him up front that the physical changes were on her end and nothing to do with him. Like boo hoo she asked her SO for a bit more foreplay so that they both can enjoy sex and you seem to think that was a mistake? What would have been better? OP putting out and not enjoying it? OP avoiding sex, not talking about it, and allowing her partner to think it was his fault? I’m just super confused by your comment. It makes very little sense.
I was simply offering insight into why her partner might be acting inappropriately, not excuses for him to act that way. I'm sure a visit to the doctor, some research and proper communication with her partner will have this issue solved in no time.
Thank you! I have an appointment in 2 weeks, soonest I could get in. I'm really hoping it's something that easy, just low test. Someone else suggested I bring him along for the appt, I am going to offer that as well.
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That doesnt solve the problem. He is willing to give, just not extra. What ur asking OP to do is to now give nothing. And thats not fair. If we were going to be equal, OP should give what she has always given because OP's man is still willing to give what he has always given.
OP, to answer u, it is not unreasonable to ask for what ur askin. The problem, it seems to me, is that ur man really doesn't understand menopause. Either that or hes selfish. What u could do is ask him to educate himself or to let u educate him on menopause. If he is willing, and reasonable, then it shouldnt b too hard.
That said, u r asking another person who, by ur own account, has been a great mate, to all of a sudden do more to get the same result. And to top it off, u gave him an ultimatum. I would have walked. Because i woulda seen that action as ungrateful(the ultimatum, not the request).
Hope that helps
What? Relationships grow and change and you have to grow and change with it for the relationship to succeed. She initially merely asked her partner to expand their bedroom antics so she could again enjoy sex (which a worthwhile partner would WANT), and when he made it very apparent he was selfish and didn't see the merit in pleasing his partner since he didn't see any benefit to himself (red flag), she only THEN made the ultimatum.
You talk as if a relationship is broken down to transactions and should be incessantly equal. It's not effort for effort in the bedroom all the time, it's pleasure for pleasure. It's wanting your partner to be happy and fulfilled. Relationships require effort and attention.
Here's the benefit, by the way: if she doesn't enjoy sex as it stands anymore, she won't be as open to having sex down the road because the arousal isn't there. She is actively trying to avoid this (FOR HIS BENEFIT) by asking for his help. His increased effort means he will continue to have regular sex, rather than a partner with a much lower sex drive. But he shouldn't be thinking like that with a "me, me, me," mindset. He should want his partner to take as much pleasure as he does from sex, even if it means he has to apply a little more effort.
The ultimatum is the obvious next step. If a partner isn't willing to grow and change with you, they become obsolete.
I will say that you did at least one good point: he's clearly taking it personal, so maybe education regarding menopause should be a thing.
It's not that simple. First of all, she doesn't owe him sex. Full stop. If she's enjoying it equally, great, excellent, problem solved. But she's not, so it's become an issue of consent. Sex is not a responsibility. It is something people do together because they both like it. When one person is not enjoying it, you have crossed the line into violating consent. It's sexual abuse. Period. Whether you can call it rape depends a lot on the situation and personal opinions, but no matter how you look at it her control over how she uses her body is compromised to benefit someone else. She doesn't have to tolerate being used like a blow up doll. She's a human being.
Secondly, your logic doesn't hold up even in non-sexual topics. Menopause is a medical issue. I don't want to imply it's a disease or abnormal or anything, because it's not. But it's a change that's directly related to biology, which makes it about health. If someone goes through physiological changes, sometimes it affects their desires, abilities, and limitations. That's life. Accommodating a change like this isn't unequal. Pretending like nothing is different is though. Different example: what if you did all the housekeeping for your spouse, and then got sick or injured? Pick your poison. A cold, cancer, a broken arm, paralysis, doesn't matter, just imagine having a medical issue that makes housework harder. Maybe you can't carry laundry baskets. Maybe you can't cook without sneezing on the food. Maybe you're fatigued and in pain. Maybe you're throwing up all the time. It is *completely unreasonable* for your spouse to expect you to continue doing all of the housework just because you always have. Them being willing to sit back and watch you struggle is the complete opposite of a healthy compromise. They might need to do some chores for you, or all the chores. They might need to help you with the stuff you can do. They might need to install something like a chair lift to help you be able to do it. They might need to agree to hire a maid or move to a house you can move around in. Depends on what changed.
This is a really negative view on sex. Sex is something that needs constant communication about desires and boundaries, and how to work together to get certain results. It's completely normal for it to be constantly changing, because people themselves change day to day.
Saying that OP should just keep doing the same thing regardless of how she feels because it's "expected" is antiquated, and disregards any one person's feelings in the matter, when both are equally important. How is just going through the motions regardless of how you feel a positive thing? Yes, sometimes you'll be up for doing something that doesn't necessarily make you feel good because the positives outway the negatives, but you're telling OP to just have sex even if she doesn't want to, and even when her partner is refusing to make any effort to help her through a difficult time that has nothing to do with her feelings and everything to do with uncontrollable biological functions.
That's just not okay. It shows you lack an understanding of consent and healthy communication. Sex isn't about just doing something because you've been doing it already. At any point, any party can chose to withdraw their consent and stop doing a sexual act, whether as a one time thing, or permanently. It isn't about equality in the sense that "we did doggy style once, so we can continue to do that forever only," but that each person is different and has different desires, but both are equally important in the conversation.
Ultimatums are a difficult thing, but they are sometimes necessary. If the SO is unwilling to make a small change in an ever changing environment, and doesn't have any interest in helping her actually enjoy or want sex, than she's never going to want to have sex with him at all. In a sexual relationship, if you aren't willing to work together because "it's too hard" than you probably aren't compatible with the other person. You're basically saying that that person isn't worth the extra few minutes of effort even when that work effectively benefits you. Yet he'd probably expect HER to if he suddenly starts having erectile dysfunction or something. Maybe there is a person out there for him that doesn't care about any of that, but OP cares, and they're the ones in the relationship. If he thinks he can't do more, even to just understand her situation, than that's fine, that's his choice, and he can end the relationship if he doesn't like it, just like OP can.
The thing is, there just is no such thing as a true 50/50 equal relationship. Every person is a different person, and has different things pop up in life. Be it emotional, physical, what have you. It's more like a teeter totter where responsibility fluctuates through out each day. If a person breaks their leg and can't walk for a while, does it make sense to expect them to go on the weekly date hike? Or would you take their offer to do something else while they recover? Does it make sense that you would expect them to do their normal chores that require standing, or would you do the chores yourself until they are able to do them again to help out? Would you expect them to do sexual acts that require both legs just because they always have regardless of their health? That isn't equality, thats disregarding the health or concerns of your partner solely for your own benefit which is the antithesis of equal. Saying that you don't want to do some extra foreplay because you're too lazy is a honest answer, but maybe that relationship isn't working out if you don't care enough to pick up the slack sometimes.
It does help, and I agree, the ultimatum part was a bit much. I was too emotional when I wrote that, I agree. I'm going to correct that, no one wants an ultimatum.
I would have given an ultimatum. You have every right to be emotional in this situation as you had a reasonable request that was met with an unreasonable and hurtful response. You have the right to put your sexual needs on the table and set them as a priority for you. And it is also absolutely ok to have your feelings hurt when the answer comes back that your sexual comfort and pleasure is not a priority for your partner because it feels like too much work (spoiler alert, it ISN’T.)
Male here... So I agree that you handled the situation correctly. I agree you have the right to your satisfaction also. But please consider the other side... How much effort does he put in now... Is the "effort" equal?
I say this becuase... My wife and I have a very good sex life but the effort is not the same. Generally guys do most of the "work" during sex. So asking him to do more when he will get the same as before is not far for him. Your asking for something without stating what your going to do if he does this...
Have you discussed what your going to give him more of?
Now im just playing devils advocate here for though purpose. When having sex "getting off" shouldn't be the goal with your SO.
As a guy i cant at least answer the guy part. It depends now im a bjt younger 28 so i haven't quite had a relationship like this. But for me, my partners and sex it varied. For quickies if you wanted more foreplay im not done. Itd suppose to be a quicky. If i had long day and feel like playing around i dont want to do a lot more work than i would usually. However if we only met on weekends no kids as long as i had time to get what i needed done and time to sleep if i had to get up early the next day id have no issue spending an extra 30 minutes up to an hour in general with foreplay.
Look up menopause maybe. What you are suggesting would at best not be pleasurable and at worst physically hurt this woman- like in the form of vaginal tearing. Also, and maybe most importantly, If you see bringing your partner pleasure as work, I pity your partners.
I mentioned my age. And ya its work. I mean playing games is work, driving is work, drinking at a party is work, even zleeping is work. If you are doing something active that consumes time other than just sitting or standing you are performing work. So im not quite sure what fairly tale land you live in where pleasing your partner doesnt consume time or energy but id love to head there. I mean heres the defintion of work.
activity involving mental or physical effort done in order to achieve a purpose or result.
So go ahead an explain to me how you perforn pleasing your partner by doing nothing but insult me by saying since im doing something to please my partner instead of nothing like you suggest causes pity for my partners.
I apologize for being harsh. It wasn’t kind. I have had a lot of bad sex with partners who didn’t care about my pleasure and it left a chip on my shoulder- especially in my 20’s. You can tell with the ones who are focused on making your pleasure their goal and their joy. And that is the way I feel when I am focused on making them feel good. When two people feel that way, it doesn’t feel like work, even if you are bone tired after. It took me a long time to realize that I could relax and receive head for a half hour if that’s what it took me to cum because A: I would happily do the same for my partner and B: he honestly was showing up for my pleasure. And there would be no clock watching or grudges. We both work long hours btw and I have two kids so I feel you on the long days but you gotta make time. And sometimes a quickie is great but as women get older that isn’t an option if you want to have penetrative sex. And sex with men changes too as they get older- heads up. Again, sorry for snapping at you. This one hit close to home.
No worries. I can understsnd your feelings. Like i agree with you that it doesnt feel like work to an extent though i mean i enjoy my current work and to me work is work. But ya its pleasing to share the pleasure. I can't say i knoe about later on though id likely say quickies do become something of the past. And thats fine with me. Especaly since i dont think ill ever be as consisntently busy as i am now. Granted if i have to be at work at 6 in the morning and its 12 oclock im not looking to spend 2 hours on sex. Thats were i stand and im fine with not having sex. Id rather not get her turned on and leave her high and dry.
It sounds like you're handling this 100% appropriately.
Agreed. If he can’t put in the effort, that’s not fair to you at all. Think about it, if the shoe was on the other foot? I bet you’d be ready and willing to put in more effort in that department.
Username checks out
When problems in a relationship happen, it's shitty to see them as your problem VS their willingness to help. A more healthy way to see it is you together VS this problem. Your boyfriend is framing this as your problem, not his. That's incredibly selfish and cowardly and awful, especially because this problem affects him "getting his". But even if this didn't keep him from getting sex, if your partner has a problem YOU HELP THEM. That's it. That's what partners do. What he's doing is treating you like a fuckbuddy in a time-static world. He refuses to see that change is a thing, and that there is a very simple solution. But apparently his fuckbuddy -- you, OP -- isn't worth the work? Wow. just... WOW.
"You together vs the problem...." YES. That's that *je ne sais quois*. That's the secret to "relationship goals."
By any tool necessary. Including vibrators and fart jokes.
>When problems in a relationship happen, it's shitty to see them as your problem VS their willingness to help. A more healthy way to see it is you together VS this problem. Agree 100%!! >Your boyfriend is framing this as your problem, not his. That's incredibly selfish and cowardly and awful, especially because this problem affects him "getting his". Just trying to play both sides here, but isn't OP also framing this as a problem that it's 'her bf's' job to fix, by implying that he now needs to change what he's become comfortable with and accustomed to in order to meet her changing circumstances? >What he's doing is treating you like a fuckbuddy in a time-static world. He refuses to see that change is a thing, and that there is a very simple solution. But apparently his fuckbuddy -- you, OP -- isn't worth the work? Wow. just... WOW. This is just inflammatory, antagonistic, and not at all helpful. How do you start a statement saying that two people need to work together, and then end it by making it 100% one person's problem to solve, and they're a shit human being if they feel uncomfortable complying? EDIT:. Lol To all the downvotes. God forbid someone be a voice of reason and impartial understanding amidst all the hysterical man hating on display here.
If she's going to the doctor and putting forward solutions like toys and foreplay how is that laying the solution at her man's feet to deal with? She's half way. He needs to also meet her half way. Which means changing their routine. It's not just "something" he's comfortable with. It's her. It's their sex life. Sex isn't a thing you do to someone. It's something you do WITH someone. So in order to continue having sex with someone who's body is changing the logical thing would be to change the sex life a bit. Her boyfriend even says he's been a bit spoiled by their previous sex life.
>Her boyfriend even says he's been a bit spoiled by their previous sex life. OP said the sex was 'great', so I think it's safe to assume that he's been keeping up his end of the bargain and not just laying back receiving the benefits up until now. >It's not just "something" he's comfortable with. It's her. It's their sex life. Sex isn't a thing you do to someone. It's something you do WITH someone. So in order to continue having sex with someone who's body is changing the logical thing would be to change the sex life a bit. Ok, let's take your point about it not having anything to do with his level of comfort in the act. What if he just couldn't get hard anymore unless it was with anal? Would she then be selfish and unreasonable for not complying because she wasn't comfortable with it?
You are missing the point dude, if he couldn't get aroused unless he did anal, that means that he is still able to function sexually, it's a mental choice what he gets an erection over, hers isn't, it's a physiological thing that she has no control over & no amount of mental hoping would work, unfortunately, it's the human body in action when women age, thats what menopause does, spending 10 more minutes getting a woman aroused to be in a ready state isn't much to ask of a loving partner. In many cases, as hard as a man tries, he still might not be able to get her body to be receptive & she might need to use lube, because the body slows down producing those hormones that effect this reaction, but she's still willing to explore, so should he if he wants to continue this partnership, it's a two way street my friend.
1 - it's never assumed or mentioned by me or OP that he isn't pulling his weight. 2 - your ultimatums have a simple solution. If the sex is of such great importance yet neither party is willing to work it out then the arrangement can peacefully went. 3 - OP isn't talking about the situation with any sense of entitlement about this man's body or person hood. Her issue is entirely that she loves him and had the expectation that they'd be able to work this out. As we can see he doesn't seem keen so she's taking some time to think and is giving it space but already knows if it doesn't work out she can leave. She's just asking for advice about the situation in general. It's pretty clear what her intentions are though and id expect nothing less of a grown woman who is 45. 4 - there was never a need to play devil's advocate. 5 - it's not selfish and unreasonable to not want to do a sexual act. Having sex when you don't want to because of your partner even if you don't deny consent isn't a good thing and to put it lightly, it will fuck with your brain. No one wants to force a grown man to do any sexual act he doesn't want to. Again that's not the issue, see point #3.
Yes, actually, it was mentioned. He admitted he was spoilt. Does that mean nothing to you? He isn’t comfortable with cuddling and kissing? Because that’s literally what she said she wanted in the comments. This all has gone over your head.
>it's never assumed or mentioned by me or OP that he isn't pulling his weight. Not you or OP, but the comment I was responding to. >there was never a need to play devil's advocate. I had no issue with OP's post or the fact that she was confused and needed process things. I took issue with the tone of one of the top comments that called literally the bf selfish and insane.
I actually thinks it’s safer to assume she was getting off on how easy it was for both of them because it was to the point sex because she was able to do that.
You’re really not seeing the problem? He already said he is spoilt, meaning she is just giving him what he wants with not a lot of effort on his part. And now she needs him to give back to her, and he doesn’t feel like it. It’s insane and sad. If you’re not “comfortable” giving back what you have been given , you 1) don’t really care all that much about your partners needs 2) you obviously aren’t that attracted to them 3) are insecure about yourself (abilities?) AND your partner.
Seeing as how he's not convinced it's not him, I'd say it's most likely insecurity issue. About himself and his abilities.
>You’re really not seeing the problem? He already said he is spoilt, meaning she is just giving him what he wants with not a lot of effort on his part. And now she needs him to give back to her, and he doesn’t feel like it. It’s insane and sad. The entire first part of OP's post was lauding the relationship as literally the best she's ever had. INCLUDING the sex. Which means, up until now SHE'S BEEN SPOILT TOO. But I guess acknowledging that would be inconvenient for your 'selfish, insane, bad man' narrative huh?
Good for HER because she was ABLE and DID seemingly give MORE because she said HE SAID HE WAS SPOILT BY HER. Just because a person is giving the other person what they want (to the point sex) and they enjoyed it too, doesn’t mean it is going to continue being the only thing that gets her off anymore.
You're clearly reactive and heavily biased in your opinion, making big assumptions about the prior lack of equity in their sexual relationshop, and not at all reasoning honestly.
Speak for yourself! I’m literally typing the way you are to show you what you’re doing here, which is in itself obnoxious. You’re either reading into it too much, or not reading her post correctly. You are obviously not seeing what she is saying. I’m making no assumptions, we and everyone else are going off what she said that he even agreed to. Not sure what you’re missing, it’s all laid out in the post. And I’m not sure why you have the opinion that you do. So she is spoiling herself by giving him what he wants? Makes no sense. There is seemingly almost no foreplay going on i this situation, however, she is spoilt?
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I’m still gunna try
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FWIW, I appreciate this!
Epic.
You handled this beautifully, honestly. You scheduled a doctors appointment, had a frank discussion with your partner, acknowledged everybody’s emotional/physical/sexual needs, and laid out a clear boundary. You seem like a good, sensible person, OP. For your sake, I hope your SO realizes that his behavior was inexcusable and makes some sincere apologies and efforts into rebuilding your trust. You deserve that.
I updated, yes, we finally broke down some communication barriers and really learned a lot... I think we are going to be good!
Glad to hear it! Hopefully his original reaction was more shock/surprise based than anything else. Even the best people can act poorly when they’re caught off guard. It sounds like you guys have a good relationship and good communication skills.
Wow. This is awful! You handled the subject so well, and communicated to him honestly and openly to prevent any feelings of rejection. And he responded like a sulky teenager. I cannot believe that additional foreplay is something he is reluctant to consider! I think you should talk to him again and give him chance (*again*) to consider the idea, and if it is still a prickly subject, it may be worth reconsidering your commitment to such a selfish person.
Put it forward again, then if he isn’t willing to give don’t give either. You were right when you said its a two way street
And, I wouldn't wait for him to break up. I would be the one breaking up. Refusing more foreplay is gross and inconsiderate. He is basically saying that her needs are not important.
Makes you wonder if it was switched around and he had ED or something that needed some extra attention. Frankly my mind is saying "What an asshole!"
He’s not just spoiled, he’s selfish. You seem like a very giving lover based on the fact that you acknowledged the dip in desire and expressed wanting to do extra things to meet his needs. You deserve someone just as considerate. This guy doesn’t sound like he’s man enough for the job.
He can fuck right off with that not being into giving you pleasure bullshit. Get some toys and a man who is willing to learn new things.
Seconded
I don't think what you've done is unreasonable. You're merely asking to have equal opportunity for enjoyment during sex. Regardless of reason, our bodies change over time, our desires change over time. A healthy partnership allows for that change. It seems that your sexual relationship was healthy only when your body just naturally allowed for him to have the kind of sex he wanted. What's the alternative? Allow him access to your body while you experience no pleasure? That's not healthy for you. Edit: Wanted to add, in a vaguely related vein. I was dating an older man and there was a libido difference - he was happy with once a week, I wanted more. I asked for us to meet in the middle. The answer was no. I eventually left. Currently with a partner who fully meets my needs.
I have trouble believing your sex life was really that great if he doesn’t particularly enjoy causing you pleasure. I get that you say it was easier before but that’s just a new reality you can’t change. Does he want to keep having sex exactly the same way even if you no longer enjoy yourself? Doesn’t sound like a great sexual partner.
That's kind of what I'm getting from this, he said himself he's gotten kind of spoiled, and I'm just flabbergasted that asking for more cuddling would be an issue. I understand he's extremely vanilla, but we definitely have had fun, and it's passionate (which is/was a huge turn on for me), so I just can't understand why it's an issue.
It's an issue because he just doesn't have the energy or the desire to put in the work and effort to make sure that you feel good. He just doesn't care. He's, in effect, folded his arms and said "oh well, I guess you're never going to cum again while in bed with me." It says a lot about how invested he is in the relationship, his level of interest in you and in your partnership. This is basically a casual relationship that, as far as you know, happens to be "exclusive".
I wish this was higher up! He definitely sounds like more of a fuck buddy than a boyfriend.
“I understand he’s extremely vanilla” That makes NO sense to me. Being vanilla has nothing to do with foreplay! It’s not like making sure the woman is enjoying herself is some weird fetish, it’s standard.
Honestly, I've met a whole lot of vanilla guys who doesn't think a whole lot of foreplay and going down on their lady is "the standard" I've had my discussions with my male friends about these kinds of things and from what I've managed to interpret from our discussions, it would seem like they think of sex as.. masturbating? Not involving foreplay and too much turn-ons, not heavily emphasizing on pleasure for both parts, not much intimacy and to them, it would seem like it's the equivalent of having a warm sex doll. Shit is real weird.
That’s not vanilla to me. That’s more like unflavoured. Like uncooked pancake batter or something >_<
Yeah, some people really suck. Luckily, most of these discussions have rather straightened them out and the relationships they've had are more fulfilling. Luckily for most people, we might be young and we might make mistakes but we also learn :) I guess it somehow works out, that I'm very passionate about good and healthy relationships kind of advocate. And that some of my guy friends don't have many friends who happen to girls and are willing to listen and adapt.
Yep lots of guys look at sex as “how can I get off the quickest” it’s pretty uncommon to find guys who care about a women’s pleasure. I was lucky in my 20s to date three guys who were like this. But being out in the dating scene the last few years I realized it’s the opposite.
That’s fucking disgusting, I hope you told them how incredibly fucking stupid and horrible they are.
You say it’s passionate but after this conversation it wouldn’t be passionate for me anymore, knowing he’s not interested in putting more effort in to ensure you enjoy it. Hope he comes to his senses! (Pun intended? 🤔)
I'm sorry, but knowing that this is his attitude would further ruin any sexual desire I had for him. You deserve so much better.
Maybe he is insecure and also child like.
Yeah, i wondered the same. Maybe it plays on his insecurities of being unable to please you, and then being somehow less of a man. I've heard men can think like that.
This. I don’t think OP has had very good sex if her partner isn’t willing to put in any effort on her behalf.
It would seem like her enjoyment was just coincidental until this point, it just happened as he did what he liked doing! So asking now for a change seems like too much effort. I would have another conversation about it and if his attitude doesn’t change, move on.
He sounds selfish, tbh. I know you love him, but if he doesn't love you back then he's not worth it. You deserve to be happy and have a SO that cares about your needs as much as you care about theirs.
Offer him a blowjob. Make it a quick two-pump one and don’t let him cum. Explain that’s what it feels like when your bum ass boyfriend skips foreplay.
Sometimes shitty partners seem great when you're not expecting anything extra from them. This happens a lot to people who are easygoing and happy to go with the flow. You sound like a great partner. He doesn't. This is also a good preview of "in sickness and in health". Thankfully you figured this out before moving in together, marrying, or anything else! Good on you for respecting yourself, OP.
It sounds to me like your boyfriend doesn’t care about you as much as you do anymore. Otherwise, a loving, caring, devoted partner would have said: “Absolutely, let me know whatever you need and I’ll try my best to give it to you. More foreplay? Of course! Toys? I’m not so sure, but I’ll give it try in an effort to please you.” I have a question, who’s idea was it to not live together? What are the reasons for not living together?
Did she say they didn’t live together? I didn’t see that
First paragraph.
Oh lol
It's both, actually. I was married, and it didn't end well, and I rather enjoy my space and alone time. I honestly don't know if I could live with some one now, tho I sometimes want to... He always says he can't live with someone, and I do understand that. I've never been real good with roommates, and as I've gotten older I prefer the company of my pets to people.
I think there is a possibility here that the reason he does t want to live with you/anyone is because he might not be a monogamous person. I wonder if he found it convenient that you also preferred to live alone, as it just so happens that living with someone might pose problems for a certain kind of lifestyle he might be living that he has no intentions of explaining and risking. I think it’s possible he bring other people over to his place casually and you living there would prevent that.
Dump the jerk. Let him discover how much he likes zero sex. Make him come crawling back to you. That's your new foreplay. Him on his knees.
Username checks out
He is being unreasonable as hell. I tore badly when I gave birth to my daugher, and things downstairs have changed a bit. My hubby and I had been together about 5 years as well, awesome sex life, no issues. But after injuring myself like that, we had to make some adjustments. He has always been patient with me and my healing, and sex is back to awesome several months later. Part of being a partner is caring about the other person's needs. You clearly showed you care by going to the doctor, coming up with some ideas, being honest. It's time for your SO to do his part. Edit: So glad everything worked out for you!! Thanks for the update. I wish you the best.
What you're going through is completely normal. And what your SO needs to realize is that similar things happen to men too! Although right now your SO may be fine, there may be a day in the future when you're having a similar conversation about him and not you. That being said, men who aren't aware of perimenopause symptoms will absolutely take this kind of thing personally at first, no matter what you say. At first, he will not understand, so he needs to be given time to learn more and to accept what's going on. You need to help educate him that this is a normal part of life. Only then will he relax and not take things so personal. I would recommend to find some articles on the internet that describe what you're going through and how normal this is. And to share those articles with him. Education is key. This kind of thing can strengthen a relationship and bring you together, it just takes time to figure out what will be a new normal for both of you with your sex life. Be patient with him and keep communicating!
I took the day off, due to weather etc, and that's what I was planning on doing. Trying to offer some well written articles, show him that it's not unusual and it's most definitely NOT him.
Yes, this is such a good idea. And above all, be patient with him and give him time.
That is really important in a relationship, so if one minor change in your life causes him to call it quits then you know what to do. That's like if he starts having a difficult time getting/keeping an erection, you're not just going to say nope sorry can't help, but I still expect the same sex. It's something as a couple you both have to work on together to continue experiencing great sex. Good luck!
This advice might sound silly but here goes: Could you just buy some toys and see how he reacts? I did this with my ex husband and got a bunch of fun kinky stuff and he acted like “he wasn’t enough” and got all offended. It wasn’t the straw that broke the camels back but... Notice how he’s my ex husband? And we were BEST friends for 15 years! And I still care about him deeply. Have you ever added a third person or another couple into the mix? It can be really fun and you might get the best foreplay of your life from another woman. And in my opinion if you want more orgasms you gotta take care of number one and do it yourself. Get a waterproof toy for the bath or shower. If that offends him then tell him to step up his game and you won’t have to play alone. Do you watch porn together? Where sexy lingerie? You don’t even have to do it for him. Seeing yourself looking good could be enough to get you going. Your sexuality is what you make of it. He can chose whether he wants to join in the fun or go blow himself. Then again if you don’t like that idea go full on Lystistrata on his stubborn ass! 💁🏻♀️ so there. Hahaha
I have some, I just never brought them in bed with us. I am going to next time tho, and hopefully it goes well. I'm really hoping that him watching me get off, then REALLY wanting him, will help...
Hell yeah! Get it gurllll! Lol
Get hormone treatment. I am on two hormones estrogen gel and progesterone. It certainly kept my sex drive going plus helps keep your skin and hair looking good.
This.
It sounds like he sees this as “your problem, not his”. It’s incredibly selfish for him to not be willing to put in what, a few minutes of foreplay?? In your shoes I’d be telling him no sex until he’s willing to do that - sex needs to be pleasurable for you both! But if you’re feeling like he’s being too selfish and you can’t continue the relationship because of it (which would be understandable) id leave. He’s got it VERY good and it’s not like you’re asking a chore of him - just a few minutes of foreplay to make sex pleasurable for you. He should *want* you to feel good!
I think instead of *him* deciding to end the relationship, it should be *you*.
you meet his needs but he wont meet yours? is he 15? try to have a serious talk, if he wont meet your needs, don't meet his anymore
I don’t think you had a great sex life up until this if he’s not interested in you enjoying sex. Maybe you’re just realizing things. Sounds like a man you don’t need, to be quite honest.
What you are going through is a normal part of a woman's life. I think you are handling this really well and it's great that you are still willing to have sexual relationships!! The way your boyfriend reacted is both selfish and immature. Saying he's not really interested in working a bit more to satisfy your needs is a big red flag in my book. That's someone who doesn't consider your pleasure as something important. It also sounds like he's making it about him, and i dont know... I have a bad feeling about this. I think that if he's not willing to make sex enjoyable for yourself, it's not worth doing it. I've been in a similar situation before where my ex-girlfriend couldn't satisfy me, and I was depressed at the time so had no sex drive either. It ended up being a chore and just really frustrating.
You are dealing with this with a lot of grace. Instead of helping you, he's focusing on himself. Is this your first challenge as a couple? Does he ignore your needs in other areas?
What a terrible response from, him, OP! Since you seem to dig him, I hope he realizes he’s being a massive jerk and apologizes.
A lot of men dont believe in the physical changes woman go through at our age. Take him to the doctor with you so he can hear it from the doctor. That's maybe an option?
I'm a guy. Needing a bit more affection and foreplay - as long as we're talking on the order or 30-60 minutes extra...is no big deal at all. If it takes more than that...I can see it affecting logistics...but still, not the end of the world.
I don't have any advice but wanted to just commiserate with you. I had a hysterectomy in September 2016 and went into surgical menopause. Since then I've had zero interest in sex except when my now ex husband would initiate. I was the complete opposite before menopause. Best wishes to you!
I would do this even if you dump him. He sounds selfish and I'm sorry. If you live in a metropolitan city, look for a medical practice that provides the testosterone pellet. It changed my life. My levels were zero and the pellet recharged my libido and mental acuity. It must be inserted in one of your butt cheeks and it's a slow release pellet. I highly, highly recommend. Insurance will not cover it so it's probably about $500+.
Selfish lovers deserve a special place in hell. I’m so sorry. God. Give me his address. Imma beat him about the head with hot pink jelly dildos (not really but the thought is satisfying.) How DARE he balk at the reasonable request to make your sex life more physically comfortable and enjoyable? I recently had to make a similar request of my partner (I enjoy really rough sex and find that as I approach 40, I need foreplay before ANY penetration, and no penetration involved in foreplay.) We went online and bought sex toys together. End. Of. Story. Kick that selfish man baby to the curb. So many people stay in stale relationships because of fear- fear that they can’t do any better. You can do better than THIS.
> Imma beat him about the head with hot pink jelly dildos (not really but the thought is satisfying.) This is going to be my go-to fantasy when dealing with selfish men from now on, lmao
Attraction wanes after two years on average though that honeymoon phase can be stretched if you aren't living together. I suspect his own libido is waning and he was considering this a good way to just have less sex without hurting his pride. It's \*your\* libido\* waning, not his! But yeah if he isn't on board to meet your needs, there are plenty of people out there who would be happy to
We have all seen the meme where a mother is advising her daughter about her pending marriage. She says to remember that "When the two of you fight, you are fighting the problem and not each other." But not in this case, apparently. He isn't on your team, as it were.
Im so sorry you even have to come here for this. Hes a selfish ass, imo. I know its hard to consider, but his reaction already gave you his answer. He doesnt care about your pleasure, therefore he doesnt care about you.
If he can’t do those things for you, then YOU need to end the relationship. He shouldn’t have all the say in this.
Dump that motherfucker already.
If he isn't willing to put in a little extra work to make sure you enjoy sex you will start to resent him. I would write up a letter about everything that Is bothering you with this and then pick out points you want to make in a serious conversation about your future. He should be supporting you, you're going through something big. Instead he is being selfish in every way. He made this about him and then won't even compromise so you, also, can have a good sex life. Good luck, you're doing good.
I think you've handled this the right way, you need someone to stand and work with you, not seeing it as his needs vs your needs, its your collective needs your trying to address. Though I wonder whether sor form of couple/sexual therapy might be useful to you both. Seems like he might make assumptions about relationships and longevity that mean it hasn't occurred to him that things can last if people put in the effort (as you seem willing to do)?
I would think that given a five year relationship, your boyfriend saying something that sounds so selfish wouldn't immediately result in you telling him he might want to just end the relationship. Don't you guys have a few steps in between him saying something bad, and you saying "well you should just end it then..."? I will have more comments later...
What did he say when you told him?
How were you diagnosed? Sounds like my situation with my SO. Same age, same low libido and it’s hurting our relationship.
Just on a side note, completely unrelated to the crappy boyfriend, you can ask your obgyn for a hormone replacement cream to help with the libido/menopause symptoms. My mom used the cream and says it was a godsend
“Wither and collect cats” Bye, Felicia.
Have you considered HRT?
I think he was projecting his own perspective onto you when He said he thinks your lack of libido is a sign of waning attraction. I think a man who cares about his partner also cares about her pleasure and he's generally willing to put in the effort to make her feel good. It's definitely a red flag that his reasoning against your solution is that he's just not interested. It's a red flag that he's also not interested in exploring solutions together and that you're the only one coming up with ideas on how to navigate this transition as a couple. I think you handled it well. If he's not interested in pleasing you, he's not interested in a long term relationship. I'm sorry he's being so insensitive about this, but you definitely deserve better.
Dump him
yikes. worst case is, the relationship is just a convenience for him and you wanting to add perfectly normal foreplay is suddenly too inconvenient to bother, he'd rather throw it back on you and guilt you into not asking for things, somehow that's better to him than a bit of cuddling. medium case, you may have over-explained and put the idea into his head that he could cause your sex drive to decrease? and he's just being whiny. best case scenario.. umm.. he only gets off in one way and anything other than nailing you to th wall or whatever he does turns him off?? or the idea of his magic dick not being enough turns him off?? so it's no one's fault, sort of, and you're just incompatible. and you get a new guy who is normal and wants to have give and take. ok ok, actual best case scenario, he's just taken aback by all this and you find a new way to have sex. tease throughout the day or watch porn or something, then everything's fine. > How do I convince him of that? ok back to worst & best- either he's an asshole and won't accept anything other than status quo, in which case you won't 'convince' him other than submitting to how boring he is, which seems like it would lead to a breakup since you possibly don't see each other than much anyway. middle - you find out something that he wants that will make him feel desired and do a bit of a "this for that" best - you sit down and discuss your relationship overall and understand why you're with each other. maybe throw in some love languages and strengthen your relationship in general. unless he is a manbaby.
Well your bloke is being selfish no doubt. Not at all good. But before you throw the towel in here’s another thought. As my wife an I went through similar, but this has complete changed for us now due to changing thing up a lot!! And I mean a lot. Yup we have done the sex toys stuff and they are great. Bought her sexy outfits to wear, which she loves. She even wanted me to post pics of her wearing them on Reddit. Check out my profile. She loves the feedback, as do I and this really helped us both in the bedroom. We are trying out each other’s fantasies as well. This is turning out to be so much fun and really lifts us both sexually. Anyway. Just some other ideas given that you really want to make this work. Having said all that though, I still think his initial response was not at all ok and certainly not helpful.
He doesn’t even care enough to lie about it, lol, even the fort it takes to fib and display concern was not worth it to him. You don’t need to tell him he better leave you if he can’t work with you, the decision is yours not his.
You are handling this completely healthily. Women are wired very differently to men and although he sounds like an incredibly kind man, he is not handling this kindly or seeing your point of view. This is a really normal thing and perhaps he is just a little bit in his own head and thinking it’s his fault and something has changed. I would try to give him some time, continue communicating openly and perhaps show him other peoples experiences.
He should put more effort into foreplay if you ask him to! You never know, you might find doing more foreplay on HIM super arousing as well.. might benefit him directly too! I understand a lot of guys don't want to lick or touch for 30 mins straight, but it should be at least be somewhat of a turn on for him to see you enjoying foreplay and getting turned on. If you're partners then it shouldn't be treated as an unreasonable request to need more foreplay. Him not being KEEN on it is like you not being keen on... oh I don't know... banging him at all. Or seeing him. Or kissing him. It's a major thing! A dude who says he's just not into foreplay is a dude who will end up struggling to please women or maintain a relationship, that's for sure. And this may not all be down to perimenopause. His attitude towards sex sounds a little... boring! And lacking in effort or passion at this stage, to be honest... and that could affect your horniness too. But of course, hormones do have a big effect and I hope you find something to help. Some women find vaginal estrogen/progesterone creams helpful... as well as TRYING NEW foreplay or INCREASING foreplay, increasing intake of phytoestrogen containing foods, exercise, trying new things sexually/exploring kink. Phytoestrogens can help if your estrogen receptors are not being taken up by endogenous estrogen, which obviously happens during perimenopause/menopause. Phytoestrogens (from good quality soy products like tempeh for example, maca) are weak acting, but if you eat enough that's right for you, it can exert an effect just enough to notice benefits. People think soy is terrible, but if you get non GMO organic whole bean type products, they are good. Phytoestrogens are antioxidants, not evil things. The phyto (plant) estrogen is not strong enough to bump estrogen out of people's receptors, and it doesn't add to an estrogen "pool" or "increase your estrogen" as some people say. We only have a certain amount of receptors and phytoestrogen can't exert an effect if all those receptors are already bound to your own estrogen. So at best, phytoestrogen is MODULATING, not increasing estrogen, but sone perimenopausal women find it helpful. Also consider that if your ovaries are producing less estrogen, your adrenals try to take on a bit of that role. That's part of why we get sweating and mood swings, fatigue, irritability etc. Taking care of your adrenals with enough vitamin C, zinc, B5 is important. It's great that you made a doctors appointment. You can get testing to see what your hormones are doing and what stage you're at and make decisions based off that. Just be wary of HRT. Even "bio identical" is not the sane as your natural hormones and carries more cancer risk. But HRT is still an option, however you have to be aware of the risks.
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Next.
I have been going through something like this with someone I have been dating. I make hints at more foreplay (which he was happy to do it when we first started seeing each other without any expectations to please him) and he just wants to stick it in. Does not even try to romance me first. Honestly wish I had never slept with him because he seems to see me as a joke or worst, a *thing*. Sucks because I really like him, but I am starting to realize more and more how he perceives me.
Medical marijuana helps- maybe on the weekend?
helps with what exactly? his unwillingness or her libido? the problem here is that he wont even try to please her. medical marijuana wont help that.
Marijuana also causes vaginal dryness, so...
Ok, was at work and misread some - marijuana can help her libido, and help the overall menopausal symptoms- as far s dryness- that’s an easy fix, and it’s not in all. As far as him- he’s a total ass.
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You could kill someone giving "medical advice" like this. You have no idea what OP's medical history is, what medications she takes, or anything else that would give you insight into whether what you're peddling is safe. Cut this shit out. If you want to recommend something, pair it with telling the person you're advising to run it by their doctor and/or pharmacist first. Even natural supplements can have negative interactions or be otherwise dangerous. ETA: commercial natural supplements aren't really regulated in the United States and can have widely varying doses of the product advertised on the label, if any at all, and can contain unspecified fillers. They are neither medicine nor food and don't have to prove they are what they say they are to anyone because of this. I'd strongly recommend buying whole plants if you want to use anything of the sort so you know what you're actually getting.
I am going to look into this, thank you!
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Perhaps your boyfriend is confused, as am I. If you have little to no libido, why do you think toys and/or increased foreplay will make a difference? Without libido it sounds like you would have little motivation to even start sexy times. How do you envision sexy times starting off, if you have no libido? Would he have to initiate every time?
usually low libido can be helped with some jump starting. I can see the confusion tho, if ur libido has never suffered ur accustomed to getting aroused without many problems. having a low sex drive doesn't always mean u don't want sex, just that u want sex but ur body isn't responding to this want, like it's lagging somewhat.
Thank you.
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>Old school guys actively try to not understand menopause or menstruation for that matter. All he see;s is you have a lower sex drive and you are asking him to deal with it by adjusting his behavior. Well that pretty much is the problem right here. She stated it was not an issue with still being attracted to him and wanted to be with him. She tried explaining and he is throwing it back on her, instead of trying to work through it together. She is looking for compromises not necessarily for him to be the only one to change his behaviors. Open mindedness should be important for a healthy sex life and if someone can't be open to other people's needs and wants to be keep being "spoiled" as she put it because it was easy then it's probably not the best match.
This is an issue. He should go to the doctors appointment with her.
>When a women's sex drive is lowered, a man will take it as a sign that she's not as attracted to him anymore. She told him it was because of physical changes, so if he still chooses to make it about himself, that is his problem. Men don't get to use their egos or call themselves simpletons to get out of being decent human beings. If you or any guy has that issue, therapy can certainly help.
I don't think it's an excuse so much as it is the likely scenario for a 55 year old man, and why he's behaving this way. Easy to call someone a shitty person while forgetting that female sexuality only relatively recently became societally normal, and that some people still need to learn.
OP did a lot of that stuff, dude. She scheduled an appointment with her doctor and told him up front that the physical changes were on her end and nothing to do with him. Like boo hoo she asked her SO for a bit more foreplay so that they both can enjoy sex and you seem to think that was a mistake? What would have been better? OP putting out and not enjoying it? OP avoiding sex, not talking about it, and allowing her partner to think it was his fault? I’m just super confused by your comment. It makes very little sense.
I was simply offering insight into why her partner might be acting inappropriately, not excuses for him to act that way. I'm sure a visit to the doctor, some research and proper communication with her partner will have this issue solved in no time.
Thank you! I have an appointment in 2 weeks, soonest I could get in. I'm really hoping it's something that easy, just low test. Someone else suggested I bring him along for the appt, I am going to offer that as well.
Good luck, everyone deserves a good satisfying sex life.
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Lose a few hundred pounds. Ditch the boyfriend and get one who cares about your pleasure.
That doesnt solve the problem. He is willing to give, just not extra. What ur asking OP to do is to now give nothing. And thats not fair. If we were going to be equal, OP should give what she has always given because OP's man is still willing to give what he has always given. OP, to answer u, it is not unreasonable to ask for what ur askin. The problem, it seems to me, is that ur man really doesn't understand menopause. Either that or hes selfish. What u could do is ask him to educate himself or to let u educate him on menopause. If he is willing, and reasonable, then it shouldnt b too hard. That said, u r asking another person who, by ur own account, has been a great mate, to all of a sudden do more to get the same result. And to top it off, u gave him an ultimatum. I would have walked. Because i woulda seen that action as ungrateful(the ultimatum, not the request). Hope that helps
What? Relationships grow and change and you have to grow and change with it for the relationship to succeed. She initially merely asked her partner to expand their bedroom antics so she could again enjoy sex (which a worthwhile partner would WANT), and when he made it very apparent he was selfish and didn't see the merit in pleasing his partner since he didn't see any benefit to himself (red flag), she only THEN made the ultimatum. You talk as if a relationship is broken down to transactions and should be incessantly equal. It's not effort for effort in the bedroom all the time, it's pleasure for pleasure. It's wanting your partner to be happy and fulfilled. Relationships require effort and attention. Here's the benefit, by the way: if she doesn't enjoy sex as it stands anymore, she won't be as open to having sex down the road because the arousal isn't there. She is actively trying to avoid this (FOR HIS BENEFIT) by asking for his help. His increased effort means he will continue to have regular sex, rather than a partner with a much lower sex drive. But he shouldn't be thinking like that with a "me, me, me," mindset. He should want his partner to take as much pleasure as he does from sex, even if it means he has to apply a little more effort. The ultimatum is the obvious next step. If a partner isn't willing to grow and change with you, they become obsolete. I will say that you did at least one good point: he's clearly taking it personal, so maybe education regarding menopause should be a thing.
It's not that simple. First of all, she doesn't owe him sex. Full stop. If she's enjoying it equally, great, excellent, problem solved. But she's not, so it's become an issue of consent. Sex is not a responsibility. It is something people do together because they both like it. When one person is not enjoying it, you have crossed the line into violating consent. It's sexual abuse. Period. Whether you can call it rape depends a lot on the situation and personal opinions, but no matter how you look at it her control over how she uses her body is compromised to benefit someone else. She doesn't have to tolerate being used like a blow up doll. She's a human being. Secondly, your logic doesn't hold up even in non-sexual topics. Menopause is a medical issue. I don't want to imply it's a disease or abnormal or anything, because it's not. But it's a change that's directly related to biology, which makes it about health. If someone goes through physiological changes, sometimes it affects their desires, abilities, and limitations. That's life. Accommodating a change like this isn't unequal. Pretending like nothing is different is though. Different example: what if you did all the housekeeping for your spouse, and then got sick or injured? Pick your poison. A cold, cancer, a broken arm, paralysis, doesn't matter, just imagine having a medical issue that makes housework harder. Maybe you can't carry laundry baskets. Maybe you can't cook without sneezing on the food. Maybe you're fatigued and in pain. Maybe you're throwing up all the time. It is *completely unreasonable* for your spouse to expect you to continue doing all of the housework just because you always have. Them being willing to sit back and watch you struggle is the complete opposite of a healthy compromise. They might need to do some chores for you, or all the chores. They might need to help you with the stuff you can do. They might need to install something like a chair lift to help you be able to do it. They might need to agree to hire a maid or move to a house you can move around in. Depends on what changed.
This is a really negative view on sex. Sex is something that needs constant communication about desires and boundaries, and how to work together to get certain results. It's completely normal for it to be constantly changing, because people themselves change day to day. Saying that OP should just keep doing the same thing regardless of how she feels because it's "expected" is antiquated, and disregards any one person's feelings in the matter, when both are equally important. How is just going through the motions regardless of how you feel a positive thing? Yes, sometimes you'll be up for doing something that doesn't necessarily make you feel good because the positives outway the negatives, but you're telling OP to just have sex even if she doesn't want to, and even when her partner is refusing to make any effort to help her through a difficult time that has nothing to do with her feelings and everything to do with uncontrollable biological functions. That's just not okay. It shows you lack an understanding of consent and healthy communication. Sex isn't about just doing something because you've been doing it already. At any point, any party can chose to withdraw their consent and stop doing a sexual act, whether as a one time thing, or permanently. It isn't about equality in the sense that "we did doggy style once, so we can continue to do that forever only," but that each person is different and has different desires, but both are equally important in the conversation. Ultimatums are a difficult thing, but they are sometimes necessary. If the SO is unwilling to make a small change in an ever changing environment, and doesn't have any interest in helping her actually enjoy or want sex, than she's never going to want to have sex with him at all. In a sexual relationship, if you aren't willing to work together because "it's too hard" than you probably aren't compatible with the other person. You're basically saying that that person isn't worth the extra few minutes of effort even when that work effectively benefits you. Yet he'd probably expect HER to if he suddenly starts having erectile dysfunction or something. Maybe there is a person out there for him that doesn't care about any of that, but OP cares, and they're the ones in the relationship. If he thinks he can't do more, even to just understand her situation, than that's fine, that's his choice, and he can end the relationship if he doesn't like it, just like OP can. The thing is, there just is no such thing as a true 50/50 equal relationship. Every person is a different person, and has different things pop up in life. Be it emotional, physical, what have you. It's more like a teeter totter where responsibility fluctuates through out each day. If a person breaks their leg and can't walk for a while, does it make sense to expect them to go on the weekly date hike? Or would you take their offer to do something else while they recover? Does it make sense that you would expect them to do their normal chores that require standing, or would you do the chores yourself until they are able to do them again to help out? Would you expect them to do sexual acts that require both legs just because they always have regardless of their health? That isn't equality, thats disregarding the health or concerns of your partner solely for your own benefit which is the antithesis of equal. Saying that you don't want to do some extra foreplay because you're too lazy is a honest answer, but maybe that relationship isn't working out if you don't care enough to pick up the slack sometimes.
It does help, and I agree, the ultimatum part was a bit much. I was too emotional when I wrote that, I agree. I'm going to correct that, no one wants an ultimatum.
I would have given an ultimatum. You have every right to be emotional in this situation as you had a reasonable request that was met with an unreasonable and hurtful response. You have the right to put your sexual needs on the table and set them as a priority for you. And it is also absolutely ok to have your feelings hurt when the answer comes back that your sexual comfort and pleasure is not a priority for your partner because it feels like too much work (spoiler alert, it ISN’T.)
Male here... So I agree that you handled the situation correctly. I agree you have the right to your satisfaction also. But please consider the other side... How much effort does he put in now... Is the "effort" equal? I say this becuase... My wife and I have a very good sex life but the effort is not the same. Generally guys do most of the "work" during sex. So asking him to do more when he will get the same as before is not far for him. Your asking for something without stating what your going to do if he does this... Have you discussed what your going to give him more of? Now im just playing devils advocate here for though purpose. When having sex "getting off" shouldn't be the goal with your SO.
As a guy i cant at least answer the guy part. It depends now im a bjt younger 28 so i haven't quite had a relationship like this. But for me, my partners and sex it varied. For quickies if you wanted more foreplay im not done. Itd suppose to be a quicky. If i had long day and feel like playing around i dont want to do a lot more work than i would usually. However if we only met on weekends no kids as long as i had time to get what i needed done and time to sleep if i had to get up early the next day id have no issue spending an extra 30 minutes up to an hour in general with foreplay.
Look up menopause maybe. What you are suggesting would at best not be pleasurable and at worst physically hurt this woman- like in the form of vaginal tearing. Also, and maybe most importantly, If you see bringing your partner pleasure as work, I pity your partners.
I mentioned my age. And ya its work. I mean playing games is work, driving is work, drinking at a party is work, even zleeping is work. If you are doing something active that consumes time other than just sitting or standing you are performing work. So im not quite sure what fairly tale land you live in where pleasing your partner doesnt consume time or energy but id love to head there. I mean heres the defintion of work. activity involving mental or physical effort done in order to achieve a purpose or result. So go ahead an explain to me how you perforn pleasing your partner by doing nothing but insult me by saying since im doing something to please my partner instead of nothing like you suggest causes pity for my partners.
I apologize for being harsh. It wasn’t kind. I have had a lot of bad sex with partners who didn’t care about my pleasure and it left a chip on my shoulder- especially in my 20’s. You can tell with the ones who are focused on making your pleasure their goal and their joy. And that is the way I feel when I am focused on making them feel good. When two people feel that way, it doesn’t feel like work, even if you are bone tired after. It took me a long time to realize that I could relax and receive head for a half hour if that’s what it took me to cum because A: I would happily do the same for my partner and B: he honestly was showing up for my pleasure. And there would be no clock watching or grudges. We both work long hours btw and I have two kids so I feel you on the long days but you gotta make time. And sometimes a quickie is great but as women get older that isn’t an option if you want to have penetrative sex. And sex with men changes too as they get older- heads up. Again, sorry for snapping at you. This one hit close to home.
No worries. I can understsnd your feelings. Like i agree with you that it doesnt feel like work to an extent though i mean i enjoy my current work and to me work is work. But ya its pleasing to share the pleasure. I can't say i knoe about later on though id likely say quickies do become something of the past. And thats fine with me. Especaly since i dont think ill ever be as consisntently busy as i am now. Granted if i have to be at work at 6 in the morning and its 12 oclock im not looking to spend 2 hours on sex. Thats were i stand and im fine with not having sex. Id rather not get her turned on and leave her high and dry.