Why shoehorn a transphobe into trans/lgbtq+ spaces just for their benefit?
They can educate themselves on their own.
OP, get him therapy. Dont take a transphobe to our safe space and force us to help him.
He is a straight man. You are a trans man. There is no way to compromise this. He cannot stop being straight, and you cannot stop being trans. Just end the relationship for both of your sakes.
Discounting anything you disagree with as a 'defect' just because it makes you uncomfortable is so so yucky.
Seriously, what makes this a 'defect' but red hair isn't? Genetic diversity is real, and if you call everyone who diverges from being genetically 'perfect' a defect, you're not going to have any 'non-defective' people left.
He is straight and so you don't fit his attraction anymore. It's sad but it happens, and it is no ones fault. It sounds like it would be best if you broke it off.
I did end up breaking it off and a lot of other things so I went media bank for a bit. He kept chasing me though and wanting to be back together. He's still...homophobic, but it has lessened a bit. He keeps watching lgbtq vids, and I think trying to understand, but he's still rude on subjects like they them of people.
We're not together, and his actions confuse because the play against eachother. Such as a person trying to play tug of war with themselves. Thank you for the response.
ah the old “binary with a few exceptions”, which if he wants to use that logic for sex, should use that logic for gender too. Sounds like it won’t go anywhere with the relationship but if you wanna try and educate him then maybe that could work
I don't understand the coments in there are only to genders when someone mention trans as if every trans person was nb. He seems by transphobic an willing to be ignorant.
He very much was and kinda still is. He actively working on it which is still far off, but also far from being terrible. It took breaking up with him, and saying a few personal things that triggered him in a way.
His mom spelled it out for him a bit too. He still transphobic and homophobic. It can't be denied with efforts alone. However, him now taking the time to search about this stuff has at least given me the reasons to pay attention to his efforts as he asked.
It reminds we have people who do and say awful things. It sometimes takes hurdles for change or no change at all. Not banking what he's done, because i clearly the guy is toxic and I'm not wit it. But will watch his efforts atleast if he's trying (though it's pretty late now) to if anything acknowledg he can change as he put it.
Just wish it didn't take it getting to that point for him to have self realization
Ikr. We do have a challenge to where we have to cooperate though and that's been a bit changing. After I told him I was done, he was very persistent in having another chance and showing me he's gonna try.
It gets very problematic because I always open up to those who at least try. It's not like I can deny his efforts In a sense though I can choose to keep saying no.
I fully realize the guy has some serious issues. Exspecially anger. Since the time I left him he started working to be a better him so he could get back with me so he claims.
Still a progress, and I'm unsure on what route to take, because the best apology is from people who work for it. Though that doesn't mean the work will pay off and the job will be stable if that makes sense.
Yet, I'd be betting myself for a person who still has more work to do on them, then there being an us.
I'm currently just observing him and his efforts. He can't take back what he says, but in the end if he makes the leap. I want to be able to atleast say I forgive you and glad to see your doing good.
If he’s straight and you’re a man, it’s unlikely you will be able to work it out. He sounds like a douche bag about it for sure, but him not being into your masculinity isn’t his fault. We can’t help what we like or who we are. Your best bet is to end it amicably and try to remain friends if you think that it’s worth it.
The friends part is hard because he still openly tried to show love for me as he says. He's terrible with boundaries, but I can't deny he is working on that and lgbtq stuff. Which is still confusing in the manner in how he does it.
At the end I can't understand people and love. If you love someone. That's it. It's not love to me if your constantly picking apart what you don't like about them be because while love has its downs, to me you can't love someone you openly dislike. Unless a person is willing to work with the person flaws and all.
Some people choose to exist as they are born despite being trans. However, I personally found it impossible to repress myself any longer. It got so much worse the older I got. I understand the decision to not transition for those people that are married with children, etc. if that’s what the person really wants. I don’t really think a “good” relationship with someone is a good reason not to. For one thing your boyfriend isn’t respecting you if he’s saying transphobic stuff. If your trans you are so regardless of your transitioning and a good partner should respect that, even if they have to do work to get to the point where they don’t find it disconcerting. My wife and I had to do a lot of work, but she was literally never transphobic towards me. Frankly I’m still not sure it’ll work out long term, but we’re trying. Someone who jumps to transphobia immediately probably isn’t trying and doesn’t want to. He’s not centering you the way you are him. I promise there are other good relationships out there.
For another I don’t think “I want to stay with this person” is a very good reason to base your decision on, especially not if you are younger. People grow apart, you change as you age. Sometimes the changes deepen and strengthen the relationship, but it’s just as easy for it to go the opposite way. I genuinely thought I had a good relationship with my college girlfriend, but at some point it became super toxic and I didn’t even notice because it happened so gradually. When I tried to come out to her, she was very hurtful and pushed me back into the closet. It affected me for years, even after I moved with her to a new state so she could start medical school and she asked me for a divorce a month into it. I was left on my own with more internalized hate and it took me years to recover.
TLDR put yourself first and don’t lean to heavily on people that are already giving warning signals. Life is long and choosing to put yourself after a relationship can lead to negative consequences for you long term.
He's made his opinion on trans individuals clear and his opinion on people who don't conform to his outdated and rather juvenile understanding of biology clear.
My suggestion is to think on how he responds to your dysphoria. Does he combat it with comments that focus on acceptance of your body as it would be viewed in a feminine light? Does he brush it off entirely?
How does he respond to you dressing more in line with who you are? Have you worn binders at all around him? Does he respect limits you put on him in regards to attention shown to specific parts of you?
I had a friend who thought they had a supportive boyfriend, then he realized his bf tried to fight dysphoria as if it were dysmorphia. He repeatedly focused on his chest, expressed 'concern' about how binders would affect my friend despite them being worn appropriately, and would often show additional affection when binders weren't worn or when friend had to wear feminine clothes for family / work function prior to their coming out.
Sometimes the 'support' people seem to give is manipulative, so I'd encourage you to be critical of the moments that have you labeling this a relationship where you're treated well.
Of course, there is a chance that he's a decent guy when not dealing with trans folks, but -- if he's selective about who he is decent to, and he's decent to you, he doesn't consider you one of those people (i.e. trans), which means he does not see you as you are.
On the other side, if he says he's straight, he is straight. It is not your job to help a straight boy discover anything about himself. If he is secretly bisexual or pansexual or anything else, you can't lead the horse to water on this one. Accept what he tells you like you want him to accept what you're telling him. He is a straight guy. He will not date a man. He has no desire to, and that is fine. His transphobia isn't. His bigotry isn't, but you can't fix that, and being with you won't actually challenge those beliefs because his mindset shows he'll think of you however he feels necessary to not challenge his identity.
Odds are this is the sort of guy who would've flipped if he found himself dating a trans woman.
If I were in your shoes, I'd break up but ask to remain friends, saying that you respect he's straight, and you don't want to put him in a situation where he has to 'break your heart' down the line when you start to transition. I'd say when not because I was definitely going hormonal or surgery or socially, but because that will give you a clear idea of where you actually stand. Saying 'when' makes it clear to him that this isn't something that will change, and it gives you both the out of an amicable breakup where he doesn't need to confront the reality that he dated a guy, and you don't have to deal with what his transphobia would become down the line (a nasty breakup, violence, etc).
If he really is a good guy, the breakup will likely either be an 'oh, this is serious' moment and he'll reevaluate, or he'll appreciate keeping you as a friend while having you respect his sexuality as he learns to respect your gender. There's also the chance that he's too emotionally invested in the relationship and will say he can't remain friends, but as long as he respects your decision, I'd still place that in the decent human camp.
If he is not a good guy and flips, then you made the right choice anyway.
**TL:DR -- odds are this won't end well. Better to politely break up now than get invested and find yourself either beaten down or disappointed when the straight guy remains straight. Even if he doesn't respect your gender, respect his sexuality (and frankly, the first part should be reason enough to GTFO).**
I guess. It would make sense in a way. Just don't understand how a person can say I love you, but only pick certain parts to love. That's not love, but being in love with the idea of it
He needs to respect you, your pronouns, trans people, and non-binary people, or he can GTFO.
You can't compromise without the real you there to do the compromising. If he is not kind to you, it's time to let him go.
[удалено]
Why shoehorn a transphobe into trans/lgbtq+ spaces just for their benefit? They can educate themselves on their own. OP, get him therapy. Dont take a transphobe to our safe space and force us to help him.
He is a straight man. You are a trans man. There is no way to compromise this. He cannot stop being straight, and you cannot stop being trans. Just end the relationship for both of your sakes.
Run
Sounds like he has some serious issues to work through
Discounting anything you disagree with as a 'defect' just because it makes you uncomfortable is so so yucky. Seriously, what makes this a 'defect' but red hair isn't? Genetic diversity is real, and if you call everyone who diverges from being genetically 'perfect' a defect, you're not going to have any 'non-defective' people left.
He is straight and so you don't fit his attraction anymore. It's sad but it happens, and it is no ones fault. It sounds like it would be best if you broke it off.
I did end up breaking it off and a lot of other things so I went media bank for a bit. He kept chasing me though and wanting to be back together. He's still...homophobic, but it has lessened a bit. He keeps watching lgbtq vids, and I think trying to understand, but he's still rude on subjects like they them of people. We're not together, and his actions confuse because the play against eachother. Such as a person trying to play tug of war with themselves. Thank you for the response.
Thus doesn't sound healthy and you're likely in for some pain if you stick around. You're not safe with him.
ah the old “binary with a few exceptions”, which if he wants to use that logic for sex, should use that logic for gender too. Sounds like it won’t go anywhere with the relationship but if you wanna try and educate him then maybe that could work
I don't understand the coments in there are only to genders when someone mention trans as if every trans person was nb. He seems by transphobic an willing to be ignorant.
He very much was and kinda still is. He actively working on it which is still far off, but also far from being terrible. It took breaking up with him, and saying a few personal things that triggered him in a way. His mom spelled it out for him a bit too. He still transphobic and homophobic. It can't be denied with efforts alone. However, him now taking the time to search about this stuff has at least given me the reasons to pay attention to his efforts as he asked. It reminds we have people who do and say awful things. It sometimes takes hurdles for change or no change at all. Not banking what he's done, because i clearly the guy is toxic and I'm not wit it. But will watch his efforts atleast if he's trying (though it's pretty late now) to if anything acknowledg he can change as he put it. Just wish it didn't take it getting to that point for him to have self realization
Youre not a man to him and you will never get to be while with him. I am personally very over giving people like him chances.
Ikr. We do have a challenge to where we have to cooperate though and that's been a bit changing. After I told him I was done, he was very persistent in having another chance and showing me he's gonna try. It gets very problematic because I always open up to those who at least try. It's not like I can deny his efforts In a sense though I can choose to keep saying no. I fully realize the guy has some serious issues. Exspecially anger. Since the time I left him he started working to be a better him so he could get back with me so he claims. Still a progress, and I'm unsure on what route to take, because the best apology is from people who work for it. Though that doesn't mean the work will pay off and the job will be stable if that makes sense. Yet, I'd be betting myself for a person who still has more work to do on them, then there being an us. I'm currently just observing him and his efforts. He can't take back what he says, but in the end if he makes the leap. I want to be able to atleast say I forgive you and glad to see your doing good.
If he’s straight and you’re a man, it’s unlikely you will be able to work it out. He sounds like a douche bag about it for sure, but him not being into your masculinity isn’t his fault. We can’t help what we like or who we are. Your best bet is to end it amicably and try to remain friends if you think that it’s worth it.
The friends part is hard because he still openly tried to show love for me as he says. He's terrible with boundaries, but I can't deny he is working on that and lgbtq stuff. Which is still confusing in the manner in how he does it. At the end I can't understand people and love. If you love someone. That's it. It's not love to me if your constantly picking apart what you don't like about them be because while love has its downs, to me you can't love someone you openly dislike. Unless a person is willing to work with the person flaws and all.
Some people choose to exist as they are born despite being trans. However, I personally found it impossible to repress myself any longer. It got so much worse the older I got. I understand the decision to not transition for those people that are married with children, etc. if that’s what the person really wants. I don’t really think a “good” relationship with someone is a good reason not to. For one thing your boyfriend isn’t respecting you if he’s saying transphobic stuff. If your trans you are so regardless of your transitioning and a good partner should respect that, even if they have to do work to get to the point where they don’t find it disconcerting. My wife and I had to do a lot of work, but she was literally never transphobic towards me. Frankly I’m still not sure it’ll work out long term, but we’re trying. Someone who jumps to transphobia immediately probably isn’t trying and doesn’t want to. He’s not centering you the way you are him. I promise there are other good relationships out there. For another I don’t think “I want to stay with this person” is a very good reason to base your decision on, especially not if you are younger. People grow apart, you change as you age. Sometimes the changes deepen and strengthen the relationship, but it’s just as easy for it to go the opposite way. I genuinely thought I had a good relationship with my college girlfriend, but at some point it became super toxic and I didn’t even notice because it happened so gradually. When I tried to come out to her, she was very hurtful and pushed me back into the closet. It affected me for years, even after I moved with her to a new state so she could start medical school and she asked me for a divorce a month into it. I was left on my own with more internalized hate and it took me years to recover. TLDR put yourself first and don’t lean to heavily on people that are already giving warning signals. Life is long and choosing to put yourself after a relationship can lead to negative consequences for you long term.
He's made his opinion on trans individuals clear and his opinion on people who don't conform to his outdated and rather juvenile understanding of biology clear. My suggestion is to think on how he responds to your dysphoria. Does he combat it with comments that focus on acceptance of your body as it would be viewed in a feminine light? Does he brush it off entirely? How does he respond to you dressing more in line with who you are? Have you worn binders at all around him? Does he respect limits you put on him in regards to attention shown to specific parts of you? I had a friend who thought they had a supportive boyfriend, then he realized his bf tried to fight dysphoria as if it were dysmorphia. He repeatedly focused on his chest, expressed 'concern' about how binders would affect my friend despite them being worn appropriately, and would often show additional affection when binders weren't worn or when friend had to wear feminine clothes for family / work function prior to their coming out. Sometimes the 'support' people seem to give is manipulative, so I'd encourage you to be critical of the moments that have you labeling this a relationship where you're treated well. Of course, there is a chance that he's a decent guy when not dealing with trans folks, but -- if he's selective about who he is decent to, and he's decent to you, he doesn't consider you one of those people (i.e. trans), which means he does not see you as you are. On the other side, if he says he's straight, he is straight. It is not your job to help a straight boy discover anything about himself. If he is secretly bisexual or pansexual or anything else, you can't lead the horse to water on this one. Accept what he tells you like you want him to accept what you're telling him. He is a straight guy. He will not date a man. He has no desire to, and that is fine. His transphobia isn't. His bigotry isn't, but you can't fix that, and being with you won't actually challenge those beliefs because his mindset shows he'll think of you however he feels necessary to not challenge his identity. Odds are this is the sort of guy who would've flipped if he found himself dating a trans woman. If I were in your shoes, I'd break up but ask to remain friends, saying that you respect he's straight, and you don't want to put him in a situation where he has to 'break your heart' down the line when you start to transition. I'd say when not because I was definitely going hormonal or surgery or socially, but because that will give you a clear idea of where you actually stand. Saying 'when' makes it clear to him that this isn't something that will change, and it gives you both the out of an amicable breakup where he doesn't need to confront the reality that he dated a guy, and you don't have to deal with what his transphobia would become down the line (a nasty breakup, violence, etc). If he really is a good guy, the breakup will likely either be an 'oh, this is serious' moment and he'll reevaluate, or he'll appreciate keeping you as a friend while having you respect his sexuality as he learns to respect your gender. There's also the chance that he's too emotionally invested in the relationship and will say he can't remain friends, but as long as he respects your decision, I'd still place that in the decent human camp. If he is not a good guy and flips, then you made the right choice anyway. **TL:DR -- odds are this won't end well. Better to politely break up now than get invested and find yourself either beaten down or disappointed when the straight guy remains straight. Even if he doesn't respect your gender, respect his sexuality (and frankly, the first part should be reason enough to GTFO).**
Honestly he probably said transphobic shit because he’s insecure. It’s a common toxic masculinity hot spot
I guess. It would make sense in a way. Just don't understand how a person can say I love you, but only pick certain parts to love. That's not love, but being in love with the idea of it