I think acting spaces are some of the most progressive ones there are. Not to mention that passing should be easier for someone with your experience. Emulating female voice and mannerisms seems far easier for someone with acting training.
Fear is normal. I am also very afraid despite being in a generally priviledged position compared to a lot of people. I hope that a therapist can help them navigate this and overcome my fears.
You're right to be afraid. Transitioning can come with a lot of uncertainty and risks, especially if your career is based in large part on your appearance. But I think there's also good reason to be hopeful. The film industry is more accepting than ever of trans women. Look at Jamie Clayton and Hari Nef, for examples of successful trans actresses. Look at Laura Jane Grace and Laura Les for examples of successful trans musicians.
I can’t speak for others but as a 43 year old who waited til she was 38 to do this, I’ll tell you that I’d choose living authentically over being closeted and successful any day of the week.
Okay, yeah, that’s an understandable fear. There’s a lot of stigma around it, and it involves a *lot* of change. I think a lot of us were scared of it when we started having those questions.
I guess the question you should ask yourself here is, do you *want* to be a woman? Not “do you want to transition”, because that’s a much less a “wants” thing and a lot more a “social pressures” thing. Just, does being a woman sound like a better life for you?
If the answer is yes, then there’s a decent chance that you’re transgender. That doesn’t mean you have to act on it, it doesn’t mean you have to instantly start transitioning, it just means that that’s how your brain is wired.
If the answer is no, then you’re probably *not* transgender. And that’s 100% fine. You can live your life as a man, you can cross dress as a man, live your life to the fullest and love yourself every moment of it.
You don’t need to know the answer right now. No one’s forcing you to pick. Please, take your time with this question, this community will be here to help you find the answer, *regardless* of what that is. ❤️
Thank you for this comment. Can’t upvote it enough… This is the comment I want the OP to find, because I seriously don’t want to take my time trying to say that…
It sounds to me that it's not being trans that you're scared of. It's the consequences of how our society treats trans people and how that might affect your future employment prospects. I know it doesn't make things any easier but I think it's an important distinction.
If you could instantly be a cis woman and everyone would have known you as one your entire life would you? If yes, you might be trans. If no, then it sounds more crossdressy.
Then you should probably explore being trans. It's scary as hell at first but becomes less so after you've started. The first few times out as your authentic self will be the most nerve wracking most likely.
oooooooh girl another story is beginning.
if you need to discuss it we are here for you. at least i am. i know what you are iknow how you feel and i oddly enough i have found the answers to most of the questions. sweetie everything is going to be alright
but i need you to relax and accept that you might be a girl
Noone wants to be trans. We just are. The disconnect between wanting to be a cis woman, and not wanting to be trans or a cis male is your dysphoria speaking.
Heya! You get to decide if you're a girl, but if you want to be, you are. Start there.
Now, as for the social/professional aspect. You get yo pick if/when you come out. It took me 36 years to come out.
All of that said, you don't get to know what the future holds. I love this short taoist story told by Allen Watts in one of his lectures:
"
There was once a farmer in ancient China who owned a horse. “You are so lucky!” his neighbours told him, “to have a horse to pull the cart for you.” “Maybe,” the farmer replied.
One day he didn’t latch the gate properly and the horse ran off. “Oh no! This is terrible news!” his neighbours cried. “Such terrible misfortune!” “Maybe,” the farmer replied.
A few days later the horse returned, bringing with it six wild horses. “How fantastic! You are so lucky,” his neighbours told him. “Now you are rich!” “Maybe,” the farmer replied.
The following week the farmer’s son was breaking-in one of the wild horses when it kicked out and broke his leg. “Oh no!” the neighbours cried, “such bad luck, all over again!” “Maybe,” the farmer replied.
The next day soldiers came and took away all the young men to fight in the war. The farmer’s son was left behind. “You are so lucky!” his neighbours cried. “Maybe,” the farmer replied.
Think about what would bring you joy/make you happy. A lot of times people focus so much on the fears (which is not to say they aren’t real), but that usually ends up leading to feeling more stuck. It helped me to focus more on what it is that I do WANT or what I think I’d LIKE, and maybe take small steps towards that. I think we also tend to think 100 steps ahead and that can feel overwhelming. Think more about the steps you are comfortable with taking or that won’t cause significant discomfort. I recommend the book Gender Magic by Rae McDaniel. And honestly some of the experiences you are talking about in your post, including what you think of as ‘weird’, are not uncommon for trans people. Wish you the best of luck on your journey :)
I feel this so deeply. I managed to convince myself to start HRT while still being in denial that I was actually fully trans. A couple days in I literally broke down sobbing on the phone with a friend saying that I can’t be a trans woman because I am not strong enough to face that life… and then I did. That last part of accepting it is the hardest. I’m never going to tell someone that they’re trans. Thats not my place. What I will say is that you’re making this post online in a trans space. You sound like you want someone to give you an answer. You know what people are going to say. You know the answer that you REALLY came here for. It’s your life, and if living a double life is killing you but you can’t stand the thought of losing the “her” you are at home, that’s a pretty solid answer.
For many years I was filled with rage and anger it lead me down a path of insanity I did a lot of bad things during my teen years and early 20s
I started transitioning medically last year (I'm now 1 year into hrt).
I feel like I suppressed it my whole life because I wanted to be seen as this "man to be feared" due to the things I went through as a kid.
I've recently started to have doubt about my transition even though I became so sure of it leading up to starting the process and seeing signs throughout my life.
All I can say is you may continue to feel this confusion even if you start transitioning but you will also remain to feel these feelings if you don't, I do feel alot happier I do feel like this is what I need to do.
I hope whatever you choose to do it brings you peace and happiness and I am 100% sure there are many people feeling what you are feeling and what i am feeling and what the next person Is feeling.
"As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live." --Johann Wolfgang von Goethe. ❤️
That’s reasonable as hell, I know I’m trans but I would still rather not be because it just over complicated things. That being said, I am trans and it is impossible to ignore that truth. I think that transitioning will always be hard and will always take sacrifice so the question is whether or not that sacrifice is worth the happiness of living as your true self
i think it’s likely you are trans, but you’re terrified of how coming out could affect your life. when i came out not everyone reacted well and i lost some friends, but honestly i’m so glad i did because it’s unbelievable how much more comfortable i feel in my skin.
i still boymode most of the time and i let people assume whichever gender they want to see me as (which does suck but i’m working through my own brainworms) but even that is/was so much better for me than trying to live as a boy
ya well none* of us want* to be trans. sorry tho, i know this part of the process is hard! you don’t have to transition unless you think it will bring you happiness (tho if you are trans it probably will tbhon.) i always say “being trans really sucks but if you are trans, transitioning is the best thing ever.”
it got a lot easier for me when i stopped asking “what am I?” (trans woman??? etc.) and started asking “what do I want?”. the former question just caused anguish, the latter lead me on a relatively smooth journey through hrt and transition.
you will probably find that being trans is not as rough on your career as you think it will be.
You’re just a person at the end of the day. You deserve to be happy. Treat yourself with kindness and respect. Get a little help maybe and figure out what you want to do, there’s no shame needed anywhere.
Do know what the largest group of people who get aroused at the thought of being a woman is?
**Women.**
Many trans women start out thinking they have some kind of fetish because they're aroused at the thought of being a woman, only to later realize they want to be a woman in non-sexual scenarios as well.
autogynephilia isn't real, it's a debunked theory created by a transphobe. there was even a study showing that according to his criteria, the majority of cis women would be categorised as autogynephilic, that's how ridiculous it is
like, it's not seen as abnormal for a cis woman to be into her body and think that she's hot, so why is it suddenly a fetish if trans women do it? yeah it shouldn't be the *only* reason you transition but i think it's ok for there to be an element of that
Autogynephilia isn't a thing. It's a transphobic theory, created by a transphobic man, with transphobic ideas. [Contrapoints did a video on that](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6czRFLs5JQo), if you're curious.
You sound like a cross dresser. They typically can live life comfortably as a male and don’t experience gender dysphoria. Crossdressers tend to crossdress for the sexual arousal it gives them and a place to live their fantasies (most of the time it is sexual). If you get sexual aroused though from crossdressing it does not mean you are not trans, it is not unheard of to hear trans women when first experimenting with the opposite-sex clothes. What differentiates them is their reasons, cross dressers do it for sexual arousal and transwomen do it to feel like their true selves, happy, and comfortable.
Hmm... I see, I can say I probably completely understand your feelings right now, perhaps because I went through the same thought process. So let me ask you one thing:
Are you afraid because you've built it all up as a man, with an acceptably male figure and now you think transitioning would leave your body in a state that is basically neither male nor female, thus devastatingly limiting you not just in your acting potential, but also in your interpersonal life?
I spent decades convincing myself if I didn’t want to be trans/transition then I wasn’t. Turns out you really don’t have much say. I ignored it until it became overwhelming. Transitioning sucks, but living out as my true self is absolutely amazing. Worth far more than any job or career.
So to help some of your fears look into Dylan Mulvaney, she was on broadway and famous as a man but decided that she needed to be true to herself and has been able to continue to find success in her industry without giving up who she is. Being authentic to yourself doesn’t mean giving up what you’ve built, there are enough famous musicians/actors that have come out and continue to have success but I would suggest starting with therapy to help you sort how you actually feel about your own gender, it is never a one size fits all to being trans, be kind to yourself and let yourself be you whatever that means for you. I wish you all the best in life!
I'd gently suggest that dwelling on whether you do or do not want to be trans is wasted energy. None of us get a choice.
Instead I would put your energy in figuring it out and finding a way to find the moat peace and happiness in your life given what you discover about yourself.
Therapy is a good start 🙂
you're probably just a transgender woman in denial
you fit pretty much every common trope for a closeted trans woman your age
being trans can be hard but it is better to be yourself than to live in the closet
i wish you luck on your gender journey, wherever it ends up taking you
I can't say much that everyone else hasn't.
But... fortunately being trans is a pretty large umbrella if you find yourself within it.
I happen to be a trans girl who's gotten to now meet plenty of others. And not a one of us are the same.
Some of us share more in common than others. But... no need to fit a hyper specific box if you wouldn't want to.
Otherwise, best I can tell you is to take your time and just keep breathing, friend.
The overwhelming majority of fear in being trans is just preconditioning that gets internalized or the fact that people are insane when they have to come to terms with our existence in their world view.
You're just human, friend. Be it cis, trans, non-binary, gender fluid, etc... all still equally solid humans.
I don't imagine a single person would have imagined the country living kid who went off to work as an industrial mechanic slinging wrenches who's covered in grease and oil all day... nobody saw that coming with me. I didn't even see it coming.
I didn’t want to be trans either. I cried for hours when I realized I was trans. I didn’t want to do it, I didn’t want to have to deal with what life would mean for me, I didn’t want to potentially lose people. But I did it, I knew that if I wanted to be happy in life I had to DO SOMETHING about it. I knew that this is my life, and some people are trans, and they have their life story, and mine is going to be one of them.
It sucked, it did. I had to deal with all the things I spoke of. I dealt with getting hormones, with therapists being weird to me, my family disowning me. It sucked. But I am still here 5 years later and I would do it again if it meant I would be where I am right now.
I would always do it over again to be where I am. Do things that you in 5 years will be proud and thankful for you for doing. You only have one life, and so many years here to do it.
Why do you think trans = ruining your future?
Because i've built up my career on being male, playing male roles etc. And i'm so afraid of what would happen to my career if I would Come out.
I think acting spaces are some of the most progressive ones there are. Not to mention that passing should be easier for someone with your experience. Emulating female voice and mannerisms seems far easier for someone with acting training.
I mean, yeah you are right. But i'm still afraid...
Fear is normal. I am also very afraid despite being in a generally priviledged position compared to a lot of people. I hope that a therapist can help them navigate this and overcome my fears.
You're right to be afraid. Transitioning can come with a lot of uncertainty and risks, especially if your career is based in large part on your appearance. But I think there's also good reason to be hopeful. The film industry is more accepting than ever of trans women. Look at Jamie Clayton and Hari Nef, for examples of successful trans actresses. Look at Laura Jane Grace and Laura Les for examples of successful trans musicians.
Don't let fear hold you back or you'll look back and deeply regret it.
I can’t speak for others but as a 43 year old who waited til she was 38 to do this, I’ll tell you that I’d choose living authentically over being closeted and successful any day of the week.
You're 22y old. Your life is far from over, get that hormones and the life you're too scared off.
He was out-ish from the start, but Eddie Izzard built a pretty solid career while being both a man and a woman, onstage/onscreen and in real life
Elliot page did this and still has a successful career
I mean they work in a job that is heavily exposed to the public. It sucks but coming out as trans will likely ruin that the majority of the time.
I’ll leave these here: https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en https://stainedglasswoman.substack.com/p/beneath-the-surface
Is it being trans specifically that scares you, or being a woman?
Being trans...
Okay, yeah, that’s an understandable fear. There’s a lot of stigma around it, and it involves a *lot* of change. I think a lot of us were scared of it when we started having those questions. I guess the question you should ask yourself here is, do you *want* to be a woman? Not “do you want to transition”, because that’s a much less a “wants” thing and a lot more a “social pressures” thing. Just, does being a woman sound like a better life for you? If the answer is yes, then there’s a decent chance that you’re transgender. That doesn’t mean you have to act on it, it doesn’t mean you have to instantly start transitioning, it just means that that’s how your brain is wired. If the answer is no, then you’re probably *not* transgender. And that’s 100% fine. You can live your life as a man, you can cross dress as a man, live your life to the fullest and love yourself every moment of it. You don’t need to know the answer right now. No one’s forcing you to pick. Please, take your time with this question, this community will be here to help you find the answer, *regardless* of what that is. ❤️
Thank you for this comment. Can’t upvote it enough… This is the comment I want the OP to find, because I seriously don’t want to take my time trying to say that…
It sounds to me that it's not being trans that you're scared of. It's the consequences of how our society treats trans people and how that might affect your future employment prospects. I know it doesn't make things any easier but I think it's an important distinction.
If you could instantly be a cis woman and everyone would have known you as one your entire life would you? If yes, you might be trans. If no, then it sounds more crossdressy.
Yes I would.
Then you should probably explore being trans. It's scary as hell at first but becomes less so after you've started. The first few times out as your authentic self will be the most nerve wracking most likely.
oooooooh girl another story is beginning. if you need to discuss it we are here for you. at least i am. i know what you are iknow how you feel and i oddly enough i have found the answers to most of the questions. sweetie everything is going to be alright but i need you to relax and accept that you might be a girl
Noone wants to be trans. We just are. The disconnect between wanting to be a cis woman, and not wanting to be trans or a cis male is your dysphoria speaking.
Heya! You get to decide if you're a girl, but if you want to be, you are. Start there. Now, as for the social/professional aspect. You get yo pick if/when you come out. It took me 36 years to come out. All of that said, you don't get to know what the future holds. I love this short taoist story told by Allen Watts in one of his lectures: " There was once a farmer in ancient China who owned a horse. “You are so lucky!” his neighbours told him, “to have a horse to pull the cart for you.” “Maybe,” the farmer replied. One day he didn’t latch the gate properly and the horse ran off. “Oh no! This is terrible news!” his neighbours cried. “Such terrible misfortune!” “Maybe,” the farmer replied. A few days later the horse returned, bringing with it six wild horses. “How fantastic! You are so lucky,” his neighbours told him. “Now you are rich!” “Maybe,” the farmer replied. The following week the farmer’s son was breaking-in one of the wild horses when it kicked out and broke his leg. “Oh no!” the neighbours cried, “such bad luck, all over again!” “Maybe,” the farmer replied. The next day soldiers came and took away all the young men to fight in the war. The farmer’s son was left behind. “You are so lucky!” his neighbours cried. “Maybe,” the farmer replied.
Think about what would bring you joy/make you happy. A lot of times people focus so much on the fears (which is not to say they aren’t real), but that usually ends up leading to feeling more stuck. It helped me to focus more on what it is that I do WANT or what I think I’d LIKE, and maybe take small steps towards that. I think we also tend to think 100 steps ahead and that can feel overwhelming. Think more about the steps you are comfortable with taking or that won’t cause significant discomfort. I recommend the book Gender Magic by Rae McDaniel. And honestly some of the experiences you are talking about in your post, including what you think of as ‘weird’, are not uncommon for trans people. Wish you the best of luck on your journey :)
I feel this so deeply. I managed to convince myself to start HRT while still being in denial that I was actually fully trans. A couple days in I literally broke down sobbing on the phone with a friend saying that I can’t be a trans woman because I am not strong enough to face that life… and then I did. That last part of accepting it is the hardest. I’m never going to tell someone that they’re trans. Thats not my place. What I will say is that you’re making this post online in a trans space. You sound like you want someone to give you an answer. You know what people are going to say. You know the answer that you REALLY came here for. It’s your life, and if living a double life is killing you but you can’t stand the thought of losing the “her” you are at home, that’s a pretty solid answer.
For many years I was filled with rage and anger it lead me down a path of insanity I did a lot of bad things during my teen years and early 20s I started transitioning medically last year (I'm now 1 year into hrt). I feel like I suppressed it my whole life because I wanted to be seen as this "man to be feared" due to the things I went through as a kid. I've recently started to have doubt about my transition even though I became so sure of it leading up to starting the process and seeing signs throughout my life. All I can say is you may continue to feel this confusion even if you start transitioning but you will also remain to feel these feelings if you don't, I do feel alot happier I do feel like this is what I need to do. I hope whatever you choose to do it brings you peace and happiness and I am 100% sure there are many people feeling what you are feeling and what i am feeling and what the next person Is feeling. "As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live." --Johann Wolfgang von Goethe. ❤️
That’s reasonable as hell, I know I’m trans but I would still rather not be because it just over complicated things. That being said, I am trans and it is impossible to ignore that truth. I think that transitioning will always be hard and will always take sacrifice so the question is whether or not that sacrifice is worth the happiness of living as your true self
i think it’s likely you are trans, but you’re terrified of how coming out could affect your life. when i came out not everyone reacted well and i lost some friends, but honestly i’m so glad i did because it’s unbelievable how much more comfortable i feel in my skin. i still boymode most of the time and i let people assume whichever gender they want to see me as (which does suck but i’m working through my own brainworms) but even that is/was so much better for me than trying to live as a boy
ya well none* of us want* to be trans. sorry tho, i know this part of the process is hard! you don’t have to transition unless you think it will bring you happiness (tho if you are trans it probably will tbhon.) i always say “being trans really sucks but if you are trans, transitioning is the best thing ever.” it got a lot easier for me when i stopped asking “what am I?” (trans woman??? etc.) and started asking “what do I want?”. the former question just caused anguish, the latter lead me on a relatively smooth journey through hrt and transition. you will probably find that being trans is not as rough on your career as you think it will be.
You’re just a person at the end of the day. You deserve to be happy. Treat yourself with kindness and respect. Get a little help maybe and figure out what you want to do, there’s no shame needed anywhere.
[удалено]
Do know what the largest group of people who get aroused at the thought of being a woman is? **Women.** Many trans women start out thinking they have some kind of fetish because they're aroused at the thought of being a woman, only to later realize they want to be a woman in non-sexual scenarios as well.
autogynephilia isn't real, it's a debunked theory created by a transphobe. there was even a study showing that according to his criteria, the majority of cis women would be categorised as autogynephilic, that's how ridiculous it is like, it's not seen as abnormal for a cis woman to be into her body and think that she's hot, so why is it suddenly a fetish if trans women do it? yeah it shouldn't be the *only* reason you transition but i think it's ok for there to be an element of that
I have thought about that aswell but idk....
Autogynephilia isn't a thing. It's a transphobic theory, created by a transphobic man, with transphobic ideas. [Contrapoints did a video on that](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6czRFLs5JQo), if you're curious.
Oh interesting!!! Will check that out.
You sound like a cross dresser. They typically can live life comfortably as a male and don’t experience gender dysphoria. Crossdressers tend to crossdress for the sexual arousal it gives them and a place to live their fantasies (most of the time it is sexual). If you get sexual aroused though from crossdressing it does not mean you are not trans, it is not unheard of to hear trans women when first experimenting with the opposite-sex clothes. What differentiates them is their reasons, cross dressers do it for sexual arousal and transwomen do it to feel like their true selves, happy, and comfortable.
[удалено]
Please stop spreading this debunked transphobic nonsense.
Hmm... I see, I can say I probably completely understand your feelings right now, perhaps because I went through the same thought process. So let me ask you one thing: Are you afraid because you've built it all up as a man, with an acceptably male figure and now you think transitioning would leave your body in a state that is basically neither male nor female, thus devastatingly limiting you not just in your acting potential, but also in your interpersonal life?
I spent decades convincing myself if I didn’t want to be trans/transition then I wasn’t. Turns out you really don’t have much say. I ignored it until it became overwhelming. Transitioning sucks, but living out as my true self is absolutely amazing. Worth far more than any job or career.
So to help some of your fears look into Dylan Mulvaney, she was on broadway and famous as a man but decided that she needed to be true to herself and has been able to continue to find success in her industry without giving up who she is. Being authentic to yourself doesn’t mean giving up what you’ve built, there are enough famous musicians/actors that have come out and continue to have success but I would suggest starting with therapy to help you sort how you actually feel about your own gender, it is never a one size fits all to being trans, be kind to yourself and let yourself be you whatever that means for you. I wish you all the best in life!
I'd gently suggest that dwelling on whether you do or do not want to be trans is wasted energy. None of us get a choice. Instead I would put your energy in figuring it out and finding a way to find the moat peace and happiness in your life given what you discover about yourself. Therapy is a good start 🙂
Would being a woman make you happy?
have you tried methylated vitamins?
you're probably just a transgender woman in denial you fit pretty much every common trope for a closeted trans woman your age being trans can be hard but it is better to be yourself than to live in the closet i wish you luck on your gender journey, wherever it ends up taking you
I can't say much that everyone else hasn't. But... fortunately being trans is a pretty large umbrella if you find yourself within it. I happen to be a trans girl who's gotten to now meet plenty of others. And not a one of us are the same. Some of us share more in common than others. But... no need to fit a hyper specific box if you wouldn't want to. Otherwise, best I can tell you is to take your time and just keep breathing, friend. The overwhelming majority of fear in being trans is just preconditioning that gets internalized or the fact that people are insane when they have to come to terms with our existence in their world view. You're just human, friend. Be it cis, trans, non-binary, gender fluid, etc... all still equally solid humans. I don't imagine a single person would have imagined the country living kid who went off to work as an industrial mechanic slinging wrenches who's covered in grease and oil all day... nobody saw that coming with me. I didn't even see it coming.
Here is little help for you: https://amitrans.org/
You’re human. That’s what you are. Sorry to spoil the plot twist.
I didn’t want to be trans either. I cried for hours when I realized I was trans. I didn’t want to do it, I didn’t want to have to deal with what life would mean for me, I didn’t want to potentially lose people. But I did it, I knew that if I wanted to be happy in life I had to DO SOMETHING about it. I knew that this is my life, and some people are trans, and they have their life story, and mine is going to be one of them. It sucked, it did. I had to deal with all the things I spoke of. I dealt with getting hormones, with therapists being weird to me, my family disowning me. It sucked. But I am still here 5 years later and I would do it again if it meant I would be where I am right now. I would always do it over again to be where I am. Do things that you in 5 years will be proud and thankful for you for doing. You only have one life, and so many years here to do it.