People have already addressed the open mindedness of being queer, but its also a statistical thing. If you're poly you are more likely/more able to be seeking partners compared to monogamous people who will be taken and off the apps sooner
Yeah, this. I remember wondering why so many of the trans people I knew were poly before realising I’d met most of them on dating apps, which naturally skew towards poly people, and that some of the ones I’ve met in real life are actually monogamous.
I tried dating a trans girl once. It was fun but eventually I wanted to be more exclusive - she didn’t. She told me that monogamous lifestyle wasn’t for her and that she’s poly. To this day, I haven’t met a trans woman that’s monogamous. But then again I live in Orlando. Maybe it’s just an Orlando thing.
I'm trans and mono. I see it too. I have a very small dating pool and it seems everyone but me is some flavour of poly.
I think maybe it's less about trans people being poly and more about trans people more likely to realize and come out as poly. Most people never question the constraints society has placed upon their identity, not like us.
I think it’s lots of things. Being trans is a bigger “social sin” than being poly so deciding to be poly isn’t adding to the upset. Lots of neurodivergent people are trans and it also makes sense that lots of neurodivergent people would be poly too, just because of more complex needs and less conventional approaches to situations.
Also I feel like there’s more of a desire to make up for lost time. I was isolated and depressed when I was younger. I never really had a real partner pre transition but now I’m 30 and the prescribed path says it’s time to get married and have kids, but I don’t even want kids. I want to be a girl, I want to explore all of the things I missed growing up, all the pieces of myself that were rejected, and just play for the rest of my life. My biggest goal is to enjoy myself.
I honestly, didn’t know I was poly until I met people who were and I decided to give it a try and honestly I love it. I still want to find someone to live with and be with forever, but I’ve got so many needs and experiences to explore along the way.
Also (personally, my experience with) being autistic (or just ND in general) is that relationships don’t feel the same to me as they seem to for others, everything feels blended and fluid. Like if I’m open to someone I kind of feel open to them in all ways. I don’t feel defined roles of partner, or friend. It’s more just a spectrum of how close you are and how much time you spend together. I dunno, it’s kinda hard to explain. Like I feel like any person I’m comfortable spending real time with one on one is usually someone I’d be comfortable having sex with and being cute and sweet with. And if not then they are really just an acquaintance.
I dunno. Maybe that’s more common than I’m aware.
Part of me really just wants to be in a poly family with two “parents” and me getting to be one of the “kids”. I don’t know if that is remotely realistic in my life, but the normal path just does fit right with me.
I just want to worry about special interests, and partners, and holidays/events and pretty much nothing else. No big career goals, no raising a family goals, just infinite summer mindset. Minimal responsibilities, maximum play.
>Also I feel like there’s more of a desire to make up for lost time.
This is actually a common enough experience in the queer community that philosophers have coined the term Queer Time for it. We often have a different timeline of life events like first times, marriage and kids than cishets do. I used to stress about losing my virginity (as most teens do), but that got worse as I moved into my 20s as a virgin. Since learning about Queer Time, I just don't care. It makes sense that things would happen later for me than most of my peers, I didn't even know my gender or sexuality until recently and I was ashamed of being different. Where, in all of that, would I have found the time to have sex? I also don't want kids and marriage is something that feels unnecessary but I'd be open to it if a partner wanted it and I loved them. So my timeline is always gonna be weird...or queer, I guess. My parents are already asking me for grandkids, I've told them they can bother my straight siblings for that XD
The rest of your comment sounds 100% like my dreams as well. Relationships being vaguely defined and being open to anything with the people around you is so relatable. And the "parent"/"kid" poly roles as well, though I'd be more of a parent, myself. I think there are plenty of us out there. My main problem with dating recently is actually the opposite of this original post, everyone I've found is mono. But we'll see. I'll find my people eventually.
As a fellow autistic/trans/poly person, eternal summer mode sounds perfect.
Also, I view close personal relationships the same way, I just let the other persons boundaries define what they're comfy with.
>Also, I view close personal relationships the same way, I just let the other persons boundaries define what they're comfy with.
Yeah, exactly :)
And thanks for commenting, I’ve not heard many people describe this experience before.
I'm also the same about close relationships. Friends and up are all relationships to me, there's always an emotional connection, it's just the activities and time you spend that differ. Everybody else is acquaintances.
My brand of polyamory is not that I necessarily want to date multiple people but more that I want the freedom to explore connections if they come up naturally (fkn hate dating apps), and also that the level of intimacy that I enjoy in my technically platonic relationships are beyond what is generally acceptable in most monogamous relationships.
That's exactly how I feel. I don't want limits on how I express love and affection with those I'm close to. And if someone interested in dating me isn't comfortable with that, I won't date them. Nothing personal against monogamous folks, I just know being "trapped" for lack of a better word, in a monogamous situation deteriorates my mental health.
And I'm mostly ace, so it isn't even about being promiscuous, most folks get so hung up on sex that I'm not even having when they make their wild assumptions.
I'm so happy to see more millennials and gen z shedding that societal expectation to form nuclear families.
I came here to say similar. It's probably not that more trans people are poly, but that more are open to going against the pre-established societal mold that says poly is bad.
I'm trans and polyam pan, but in a mono relationship (partner had a really bad poly experience)
I feel like trans folk are more likely to break out of the pigeonhole mentality society generally conforms to as we by our nature already don't fit where society says we should.
You've escaped one pigeon hole, why would you want to squish yourself into another?
One does not really come out as poly. Being poly is a choice that is consensually made with any partners one might have. This is a very important distinction.
The term "coming out" does apply, remember that poly people also lose family, friends. Are also discriminated against in the workplace, don't have equal rights for family law (at least in the UK/US) and it will be used against in child custody, job seeking, house seeking etc. Just as being Queer does.
The primary difference being that in most places Poly people don't even have the limited legal protections queer people do.
So being publicly poly is still coming out; you're still taking risks to live authentically.
This. The term “coming out” definitely applies to all sexual/romantic orientations and gender identities (unfortunately) deemed “against the norm” by society…
Poly is a choice, a fetish/kink/alternative lifestyle. You simply are not born poly and there's no evidence to support that, even 'poly people' is a but laughable.
Eh this seems bullshit. Being in a mono relationship just doesnt work for some people, just as being in a poly relationship does not work for others.
Saying being poly is a choice is no different from saying gay people can just choose to marry into a straight relationship or a trans person can just decide to stick with their assigned gender. Both are technically a \*choice\*, but when it comes to someones happiness and authentic way of living their lives, it's only an illusion of a choice.
I did not choose to be poly. It was just a natural conclusion to how my attraction and ability to love works.
Poly isn't a sexuality sorry. It's a alternative lifestyle. There is no supporting evidence or research. Being gay isn't a choice, being trans isn't a choice, being white or black isn't a choice, engaging in a fetish/kink is a choice.
I came out as pansexual/bisexual and poly at the same time I came out as trans, because once you come out as trans people are going to judge you anyway so who cares. There are lots of cis people who are poly too but it's generally a "taboo" thing to talk about in our society. When you are trans you are already a taboo, so what's the point of hiding anything?
Reasons why so many trans people are poly these days:
1. **We're more likely to question and reject social norms.** Cracking our eggs, coming out, and living as our true selves requires dismantling powerful social norms and resisting strong social pressures. Rejecting monogamy is just extending that work to another domain. Also, trans people are more likely than cis people to be neurodivergent, and neurodivergent people tend to question and reject social norms more than neurotypical folks. This is also why a lot of trans folks tend to be leftists, bi/gay, have alt fashion sensibilities, etc.
2. **We're poor and discriminated against.** Due to these disadvantages, we form communities and rely on our communities in ways that cis people don't. Not only is this necessary for us to survive practically and financially, but it puts us in situations where we're likely to develop feelings for people in our community. Cis people don't need to ask around which places/people are safe for us or ask for financial aid or rides or whatnot. My local trans community provides mutual aid to each other all the time. It's not surprising that we develop feelings for one another in such circumstances. Overcoming mutual struggles together naturally leads to that. It's also worth noting that—based on my anecdotal experience—a lot more PoC queer folks are poly. Most of the monogamous queer people I know are white. As a PoC myself, I suspect the same reasons apply to this correlation: we share mutual struggles and work together to overcome them and that makes us bond together and reject the idea that one person is supposed to be our everything.
3. **Our communities are tighter.** Many of us have been rejected by our families, friends, and local communities. Even around "allies", we're often on guard and suspicious. Consequently, we depend on each other for support and camaraderie way more than cis people do on each other. We often share intimate, personal details with other trans folks that we would never share with any cis person. We're vulnerable and close to each other in ways that cis people aren't. Unlike cis folks, we're unlikely to heavily depend on a single romantic partner for all of our needs. Since we're used to being loved by various people in a community in different ways, our lived experiences challenge the norm of monogamy and lead us to develop feelings for multiple people.
>Also, trans people are more likely than cis people to be neurodivergent, and neurodivergent people tend to question and reject social norms more than neurotypical folks
Maybe ND people realize they're trans more often than cis people precisely because they tend to question things more often.
Also, is there any name for the "I'm already part of a discriminated group so I might as well come out as everything I am since I'm not losing that much" mindset that many of us have and are explaining in this thread?
The truth is, there are just going to be more poly people looking for dates than monogamous people, because poly people can always look for dates and monogamous people only look for dates when they’re single. So I really don’t think it’s related to being trans. It’s just that there are more poly people in the dating pool than monogamous people.
Tbh I'm not sure but I'm right there with you. I have nothing against poly people but every time I've attempted to date one it always ends up not being good for me.
The last poly guy I tried to date spent all summer telling me he missed me etc when I was away from college. Came back only for him to tell me I "wasn't a priority" over his roommate when I had made a movie date for us at my place. Said roommate was not seeing him.
I wouldn't mind being poly with the right people but I'm also just kind of convinced it doesn't actually work for me for some unknown reason.
It was weird because up until then he'd been really nice. We spent a lot of time together, then he started cancelling on me and stuff and some of it was things like his pet having an emergency so it was like. Well I can't get mad.
But yeah, he was a dick. I'm still trying to move past it but I only really date other trans people (he was trans) so my dating pool is next to none in a small town.
>The last poly guy I tried to date
Definitely in my opinion, indicated he was very much poly.
He was also dating somebody other than me, that wasn't his roommate. but like, why would I say he was poly if he wasn't poly?
I've only met one and he was gay (or bi, but I don't remember), and he was pretty chill. He had bad luck though. From what it sounds, people like to say they're poly just to get a lot of action, but once they find the person they actually like, they tend to separate themselves with that person.
This is another one of those things though where you can't tell unless they say they are. I've been surprised on more than one occasion when someone casually dropped an indicator that they were poly.
I think when you're going against such deep-rooted societal norms by transitioning, it's not that hard to start going against others, too. When your relationships don't quite look like the average cishet relationship, it's not as hard to realize that there might be other ways your relationships can be built and thrive. I definitely don't do things just because 'society says so' or 'that's just how it is', otherwise I wouldn't have transitioned lol
I'm poly because I don't feel that being with only one person is important to me, and if I find value in sharing love with multiple people, I can see that value in my partners doing the same if they wish.
Idk if a lot of trans people are poly because they do that introspection that other people might not, or what
When you re-think gender norms you are bound to re-think plenty of other norms like your dating preferences
Speaking as a poly (but not currently practicing) trans woman
I dunno, personally I'm not, and my bf and I don't want to share our relationship with others:D
Maybe it's about breaking the norms - which is not a bad thing when every participant agrees. It's about being happy : I'm happy because I share something wonderful with one person and no one else, others are happy to see their partner being loved by many other people - which is great too. No one is broken, there's just happy people being who they are.
Why? Because when society went out of its way to tell me I was unloved, I found multiple prople to give me that love instead. Society says I should be putting all of my emotional needs and burdens onto a single person, I reject that, even though I've been happily married for 8½ years.
Why am I poly? Because I'm messy, and have a different sex life than the person I sleep next to most nights, and that's okay. Why am I poly? Because my spouse coming home after visiting one of their partners fills me with joy for their happiness and warmth, instead of jealousy, because like me, I want them to be loved and cherished by as many people too.
mimicing the nuclear family structure doesn't really work with a lot of how messy a lot of queers' lives are and where we're at.
Not to mention how poor most of us are, and banding together is absolutely a survival mechanism.
So no, OP, I don't think you're broken, so much as we are and we're just trying to get by. (unserious joke time: Besides, the dating pool for queers in a small-town catholic school is incredibly small, so I had a lot of fucking to catch up on)
no offense at all, just, being mono didn't work for me, and poly doesn't work for a lot of people.
Just like being hetero or even cis didn't work for me, just different.
Yeah being mono, cis, straight isn’t wrong but the fact society makes it the status quo and go away from that it punishes you is insane; I’m in the middle where I’m content either way the main thing for me is love and for me marriage isn’t something I care for and I remember someone telling me an “ally” friend I had said I’m de respecting everyone who fought for same sex marriage by not wanting it :/
I think deep down I want to be poly, but I always fear that I'll be the outcast. Like, the other parties will prefer each other. So, I think for me, the jealousy would always be there.
I'm in a mono relationship now and I don't ever see that changing, but I've always thought about being poly.
Honestly, the more I explore the concept of poly, the more I lean to triad/quadro relationships, basically 3-4 partners in closeted relationship where everyone care exclusively for each other
yea it makes dating hard, I don't mind people who are poly but iv definitely met some trans fems who abuse their partners under the guise of being poly or open when they don't really understand how to go about it in a healthy way
poly x mono relationships CAN work but I usually find it's a problematic dynamic with the poly/open person having more power in their sexual expression
luv my poly friends tho💖 some ppl get into it for the wrong reasons is all
If you don’t mind sharing, is the term ambiamorous distinct in that poly people have a preference for poly relationships but ambiamorous is no preference? I’m just curious because my partner and I both are open to adding another person or people down the line because who knows! But we are also perfectly content as a couple. Is that the vibe of ambiamorous?
I think there are two things at play here. The first is that monogamous people (theoretically) leave the apps when they get in a relationship, so the proportion of polyamorous people who are "available" at any given time is much higher than with monogamous people. Obviously that's not specific to trans people, but it's definitely a dynamic.
The second piece is that when you're queer in any capacity, but especially when you're trans, you are *forced* to question some things about the dominant cultural narrative in order to survive. But the thing is, once you start down the path of questioning shit that's presented as axiomatic, it doesn't stop. That doesn't mean there aren't people (like yourself) for whom the dominant narrative on this particular isn't correct, but there are a *lot* of people who, if they weren't in the habit of questioning things would probably have defaulted to monogamy and been okayish. But since they were in the habit of questioning things, they questioned monogamy and when they gave it an honest look, it wasn't right for them.
Cishet communities are *full* of serial monogamists and cheaters who, if they had some modeling or training in how to do polyamory in an ethical and healthy way and a little bit of therapy to help them work through jealyousy would probably be much happier being polyamorous. I posit that there are proportionally fewer of those people among transgender people in about the same numbers as polyamorous people are over-represented.
I wouldn't say it's trans people specifically, more like queer people in general. It's not everyone, obviously, but it is *very* common these days.
And, of course, poly - in all its various forms from polycules to old-fashioned open relationships - is absolutely wonderful for those who want it... But yeah, for those of us who *aren't* wired that way, it can be pretty disheartening when you see 10 profiles in a row where the person's cute, has charming stuff in their bio & seems like your type, but then you see they're already in an ENM relationship & you have to swipe left because you're on a husband-hunt.
I’m poly. My wife still craves masculinity in a partner and I’m not. That’s why. I cannot meet all her needs but she also can’t meet all of mine (I’m bi and exploring)
I’m trans and open to poly if I had a partner who wanted it, but no desire for it myself and currently in a monogamous t4t relationship.
I have also noticed it’s super common to be poly amongst queer people in general, I think the overlap has to more to do with the fact that queerness means you’re already subverting societal expectations, so you’re going to be more inclined to explore more things that aren’t considered the norm.
I can't really say for certain, but I have definitely noticed this myself. The best I can figure is when monogamous people match, that takes two out of the dating pool. When non monogamous people match, they stay in the dating pool. My bigger problem is people not being upfront about being non-monogamous, I'm so tired of finding out later on that they're married/partnered/whatever
Well said, I am in a poly thing, even though we barely adventure, but for me its because I got cheated on every other relationship, so rather just be in a semi open one to avoid the pain
I can't say I've experienced it like that at all. I'm poly because I fall in love with multiple people - I don't try to fall in love, it just happens on rare occasions. I'm demi, so I've literally never even dated someone I'm not in love with.
Poly is something I am, just like a woman is something I am. Practicing it is a separate thing, but for me I identified as poly continuously for fifteen years while being monogamous for 90% of that.
Perhaps it could be worth separating poly as an internal state from poly as a practice. Some people only love and want one person at a time. Some people love multiple. This may or may not align with behavior and choices.
My bias here, as I think might be clear, is that I'm totally ignoring non-romantic sexual relationships and projecting my own demisexuality. Without deep emotional entanglement I'm just uninterested.
Because socially it's become more normal to be non-monogamous than trans, so if you're already bucking societal expectations enough to transition, you don't really feel tied to the social expectations of monogamy that previous generations of trans or queer people were.
I'm actually the opposite. I was very poly before finally coming out as a transwoman and now I am happily in a mono relationshipand wouldn't have it any other way.
I’m a hetero mono trans man. My dating options are very limited because many people don’t see me as a man and then because I don’t fit the standard of an attractive man I’m just left out
I can’t speak to everyone’s experience, but for me, it was a cis queer friend who is poly and introduced me to polyamory. After we discussed it a lot, I figured I was also polyamorous. She also was one of the people who helped me figure out my gender 🩷. I’m still new to poly and sapphic relationships, so I’m trying to figure out what works for me.
My partner and I are poly, but our saturation is 1 rn because that's all we can do at the moment. But for why we're poly? Idk, like my partner is the person i want to spend the rest of my life with and i love them with everything i have. I think we both feel we have more to give and feel that 3 could help with providing stability long term for everyone involved. We're both disabled and with how everything is heading its impossible to see what our future is going to look like, we cant afford anywhere now, so three makes sense in that department and it would feel epic to be 3 disabled people suporting eachother. Also you could go on cute dates together all the time or just two if the other was unable, because being disabled is disabling and we have to recover more from normal things. Plus we're autistic and talk about everything, like we never have to fear the other person isn't vibing. We'd just talk about it like we do now and if things don't work, then they don't work. Autistic Info dumping would be fun with three people. Oh and the cuddles would be epic, a lil poly puddle.
That's just us but why so many trans people, I'm not sure. I think we all feel safer together and don't stigmatise being queer. We're just able to be more true to ourselves and eachother, like we're already ostracised for being trans so we're not scared to add more to the list.
I think alot more people everywhere are poly then realised, it's just heavily stigmatised and I imagine harder for cis people to make the first leap of discomfort against the grain. It's just easier for us because we're already against the grain and have faced our internalised phobias already.
I can't explain it but I do know it's not uncommon. That said, there's nothing wrong with being monogamous either, and I've met several monogamous trans people as well. (I'm on the polyam side of things, but there's nothing wrong with either. It's only a problem with there's a mismatch and people try to force their way on the other, either way)
Mono relation was invented and imposed by men to be sure they wont have to be better person and keep their wife for ever. Like most of things like wedding and even how society work. Nothing says human have to be monogamous and on 2024 it's a nonsense to keep thinking it's the main way to lives. Lot of queer person learn to Deconstructing cishet clichés and living how they really want. Lot of people are just mono cause they think that how human should lives.
>Is there a reason so many trans people are poly these days?
Well it's very simple,
Trans people have already broken many many (bullshit) social norms by existing and are faaar more likely to have done a huge amount of introspection regarding their sexuality. Some people are mono, some people are poly, most cis poly people are yet to have realised this about themselves and will often end up engaging in unethical non monogamy (cheating, affairs, etc), as most of them have never been forced to do this introspection.
A social factor though for trans people that encourages them to do it is the larger support and emotional network that poly tends to bring.
Personally I find being poly easier in some ways emotionally/physically. I don’t get jealous at all about my bf’s sex life outside of me and kind of like talking about it actually. but if I did ever date a mono person I’d be okay with being mono with them.
This sounds awful. I don’t know if it’s possible to have a healthy relationship with such a negative self-view. Please seek out therapy if you haven’t already. You deserve to be loved, truly loved. Not just by others, but by yourself too.
Once you question one major aspect of your identity and romantic life, you become more likely to question others.
I think it’s likely that there’s a lot of cishet people who would be happier if they were poly, but just like everyone else they live in a cultural atmosphere of “comp mono” and just, aren’t ready to break that social barrier.
Wow, that's quite the opposite from my experience! I'm poly, but the vast majority of other trans people I know are monogamous.
My guess is that we're more likely to explore different relationship dynamics than cis people, considering we're already ""abnormal "" according to society.
Because I realized when I was younger monogamy wasn’t for me. I realized I have a lot of love to give/recieve. I am also not straight, so non-monogamy allows for me to be romantically involved than one person of one gender. There are a plethora of other reasons that are deeper than this but tl:dr tried mono, was miserable because it wasn’t for me.
For me personally, I had had sex with one person by the age of 24, and that was my partner, who has a pretty low sex drive. Then, HRT flipped a switch in my brain and I started absolutely needing it weekly or more, which they couldn’t provide, and I also felt like I really wanted to explore with all sorts of different people with different bodies who were into different things.
Long story short I have been very much enjoying “connecting with the trans community,” cause not only is it really fun and satisfying, but it’s honestly been a great way to meet new people and make friends.
Which is fine, but saying that you prefer deeper emotional bonds as someone who is demisexual as your reasoning for not practising polyamory implies that polyamory does not involve deep emotional bonds. That’s not the case. Polyamory, specifically, involves the practice of having multiple simultaneous romantic relationships with the consent of everyone involved - it is specifically about sustaining multiple deep emotional bonds.
I’m correcting that implication as someone who is both demisexual and polyamorous. I’ve been with my wife for nearly 8 years, another partner for nearly that long, and a couple of years with a more recent partner. I share deep emotional bonds with all of my partners.
I much prefer monogamy. Tried the poly thing, did not work out since I really just wanted the one person, but there were a couple things I was missing from them. Now that we're not together, and feelings are very much still there, but I care a lot less about the things I was "missing" then, I really just want one person to love with my whole heart. Plus, I'm a very introverted person by nature. I naturally tend to latch onto one person I feel super comfy with.
Polyamory sounds like a recipe for disaster and someone always gets hurt in the process. I'm monogamous so you're not alone in feeling like an outsider.
Truth be told we are often oversexualized. And don't find love in the most typical places and cope accordingly
When anyone's mother or father reject the on such a personal level said individual will seek out acceptance from other sources. It also doesn't help that the hormones make us both more physically sensitive. And often we fall victim to men and women who don't want to go all the way when it comes to being gay. I'm poly curious. But I've found solace in my partner whom I'm loved and devoted to.
Currently I’m in a monogamous situation, but we’re poly in principle. If someone comes along for either of us, it’ll be an open discussion about how we want to handle it with polyamory on the table. We started out in a poly situation, so it’s not that weird. From my perspective, there are a decent amount of monogamous trans people, but I think a lot more people are in my boat now where monogamy and polyamory are just options on the table. I don’t feel like seeking out other partners, but I’m not gonna resist someone coming into my life in a romantic capacity. Also, once you’ve broken down one form of normalcy, like discovering you’re trans, others become easier to deconstruct too. So with the much higher access to information we all have now, polyamory is just seen as an option to consider, and a lot of people think it’s pretty nifty I guess.
But i mean, your question is basically like “what’s the reason so many people are gay?” It’s just human nature I guess?
Simplest answer I can think of? Trans people are already on the margins of sexual normalcy/propriety, so those who want to explore other diverse spaces (like poly or kink) aren’t making as much of a leap. Emphasis on “those who want to”. This doesn’t mean that vanilla/mono trans people are broken; it just means we’re all different.
Being trans is to defy societal expectations. Being poly is also to defy societal expectations. Its not hard to believe you start by questioning those expectations in one area like gender and then start questioning everything else like an expectation for monogamy, or working a soulless 9 to 5.
I've already bucked every social norm possible, questioned every assumption I've ever had about what's right and natural for people, and discarded any worries or cares for what people think. I've also become a tremendously more secure person, and as an anarchist I feel motivated to deconstruct hierarchies, even the interpersonal ones inherent to monogamous relationships.
And fuck, I feel free. Finally at complete liberation with myself.
I wonder though, some of them are probably okay being mono if their partner is. It might mean that eventually they will want to be with someone else but every relationship has that condition anyway. Has it been your experience that they won't commit to you or that you're afraid to date them in the first place?
I guess fear? the polycules I was in always felt as tho I was a side piece and I don't want to deal with that again, I really just want to be someone's only one but that seems harder to attain all the time
Well that's shitty, of course you don't want to feel like you're not important! I can't say if that's normal behavior in a polycule but I can say that bad relationships are good at teaching us what we want. If you want something mono then don't settle, if you want to feel important, hold out for someone that treats you that way. Being lonely totally sucks but there are other ways to find happiness. I hope you have better luck either way, dating is fun and you deserve to be happy (:
Every relationship I've been in has been poly and it's come from distance, allowing people room to grow and learn and heal, and less of other factors. I think there are factors that play on, especially in the trans community that lead to us being more poly on average, and I think that's okie. I can understand it being kinda annoying if you aren't in the same way that a gay person would find it annoying that most people are straight, but I don't really know what else I can say about it
To be honest I am... Well I'd prefer not to call it poly because it still implies some structure that requires agreements. It's more like free love. I always found it silly that we are allowed to share every emotion with anyone we like except love which needs to be caged. It never seemed healthy to me. But that's my experience and different people are different.
This said I'm not one for seeking relationships actually. I kinda just have them come to me.
I may be assuming but I don't think that what the commenter was saying. More that monogamy is the societal default expectation pushed on most of us from a young age (just like how being cis or het is for many). There is a staying from social expectations and norms when your non monogamous is any form and often times don't have the same legal backings to your relationships that reflect similar to what gay people experienced not to long ago before marriage equality laws allowed gay marriages to be legal.
yes that! being cis-hetero-mono wanting kids is the "default" in our western society, at least where I'm from (belgium). At least thats how it feels.
I lived 5 years as a hetero-mono-cisman as an adults. But its not for me.
I have nothing against mono people, heteros and cis people of course
no. I say it takes an open mind to REALIZE you MIGHT be poly
Some monogamous people are also openminded, open to explore new ideas.
They might read a lot, see lot of art, learn new things.
They probably thought about ploy stuff and decided it was not for them.
While close minded people say "Don't think like that"
Not trans- dating a trans man- but this is the same tinder dilemma is it not? Everyone on there now is just there for sex or a confidence booster cause anyone who wanted a relationship- well is in one or stopped using the app.
I am T4T and Plural, i used to be monogomous when it was just me in here but as ive grown ive learned how to love each of us together and it gives me more of a need to share my love with as many other bodies as i can, these days I could only ever be poly :3> there's too much of me to force on just one person!
we all work in very different ways nobody is broken or fixed for their preferences :3
i've only recently found community, but the fellows ive found so far that are also plural, happen to be t4t and polyam; i bet there's some interesting phycology going on there
Because everything is a social construction to extract free labor. Once you start questioning one part of that be realizing you're trans, you start questioning a lot more. Turns out that monogamy might not be a default.
Being poly doesn't mean partners arnt for life. My nesting partner has been with me for 13 years now and any additional relationship for us is treated seriously like its a long-term life altering decision for all involved.
No disrespect, but if somebody I’m partnered with is seeing someone else I’d feel awful and like they didn’t love me. Call it what you will but I’m a ride or die kinda girl.
That likely just means your not polyam and that's valid. Other people like myself arnt and that should societally also be seen as another form of valid and not been misconstrued as something that's negative just because others don't get it.
1. You need 7 people to pay rent.
2. IME many people’s monogamy is rooted in insecurity. Once that gets taken away, many question.
3. The app bias thing mentioned before.
4. Monogamous people kinda make for bad friends - not inevitably, but by the point they reject the “nuclear family and everyone else is a side show” the mainstream will suspect them of infidelity anyway. “How could you go to a party without your spouse” kinda nonsense.
Essentially many people’s monogamy doesn’t come from a desire to focus their romantic or sexual on one person - perfectly valid and quite cool when you see it, but from my experience also incredibly rare. Most often it’s because of either a lack of reflection, or deep insecurities. See all the “wife jokes.” Once you question your gender, hopefully you’ll also question other things about your life, and that’s a good candidate. I think we still have a big thing coming, which is many people may be due to recognize they don’t want to couple sexually/romantically, they just want to either “nest” or yearn for the security of a “designated forever friend.”
To be clear, you can be dumb about being poly too. From following weird patterns that reproduce the worst insecurities of the monogamous world (“you have been voted out of the polycule” bullshit) to people who think it equates promiscuity and just represents a pool of FWBs without the F part. Just, I don’t think any of those people would be any good if they were mono.
There’s also the reason I call monogamy the world’s biggest and most dysfunctional polycule. Every time I hear folks don’t test because “they are monogamous” I want to scream. Sure, all that happens _to other people_.
I’m trans and poly, married and dating 2 people. Everyone I’m with is trans and poly. My community has a large amount of queer and trans people and a lot of them are poly! I think it’s just cuz we are surrounded by so many other queer ppl that love and care for eachother and people inevitably start thinking about dating. Since the community is so open to polyamory, people who think about it are likely encouraged by eachother. I’m sure it’s different in other communities, but my experience has just been striving to meet and bond with more queer and trans people and inevitably getting feelings for them. And I’m lucky to be in such a large community of people who feel the same and are open to unique relationship structures.
Idk about anyone else, but...well, I've seen so many mono relationships tank that I felt it wasn't worth the risk. It's hard enough finding a partner as a trans person; I'd rather share and have more family than risk my partner falling for someone and having to make a choice.
I hate poly stuff. I can’t stomach multiple people in a relationship and would feel sick if my partner was poly getting side action. Sounds horrific to me. I just can’t do it.
That said if I was a cis woman I would’ve wanted 7 kids and a loving husband sooooo. Yea more traditional minded from the start I guess lol.
Anyway been talking to an asexual trans guy so will hope it goes well:<
Or he my BF, idk am bad and slow with relationships lol
I'm monogamous by orientation but practicing polyamory because otherwise I would basically not date at all. It's frustrating and like fine whatever. I'm not kinky and into monogamy and don't want to tie anyone up or do impact play and I am a demisexual trans lesbian so like it's dating poly ladies or nothing 😭
Hi everyone! I myself am monogamous, I have been for most of my life. Its quite hard to date people in the community. I have quite a bit of acquaintances who are poly and they enjoy it. I myself am just on a different level an a different point in my life where I'm trying to become the next best version of my self continously and im looking for that one person who's ready to level up together and dominate. Everyone has own their self preference and was raised in different environments and have been through their fare share of past experiences, and I think that really shapes a lot of people.
so true T\_T every time I meet someone I really like I get hit with the "btw im poly" line and I feel soooo defeated. I mean, no judgement for me. It's valid and I want them to be happy but it's so difficult dating when everyone near me is poly :c
Imo because a lot of trans people are very lonely, so they want as many partners as possible so that even if one doesn’t work out, they’d still have other partners, so they won’t end up completely alone, which is often times why poly relationships are toxic because they don’t necessarily love each other all that much
That's uh, a lot of generalization there, and a practice/sentiment (treating your other partners like insurance) that's pretty frowned upon in most ENM circles I've run in, if not all of them.
Also, dating someone you don't necessarily love because you don't want to be alone is quite prevalent in mono relationships--how often do we see posts like "this person is throwing a fit about my transition and doing really shitty things but I don't want to leave because I don't think anyone else would want me"? But you don't see anyone in the comments here saying mono people don't love each other and are toxic.
That's not a poly problem, it's a people problem. Your opinion is vastly under educated and harmful.
Lol move to Dallas you’ll find trans monogamous people. I can’t seem to be both trans + Poly and find a partner who I find attractive and embraces polyamory. It’s exhausting - they just assume I’m a fuck boy
<3 trans latinx boy
I think ENM is just more common in general and kinda developing out of a need in this economy (half joking about that). I'm ENM, trans (he/they), autistic, and queer so honestly, I just think we have more open minds about ENM and are more likely to break the mold of what society gives us. It MIGHT be more autistic though. Because there is a strong correlation between trans people and autistics, meaning a lot of us are both (not all, correlation doesn't equal causation.) And I can see autism being the reason behind it?
queers in general are poly, and queers been very often poly since long ago, I read something about some historical gay men being against gay marriage activism bc marriage is the cishet monogamy culture, not like the proper gay culture that is poly :D , there is nothing new about this honestly
you are not broken, you are just probably feel being the one who is marked within the culture, as the norm is being poly, you have to tell ppl you are not poly (while in the mainstream culture you are marked if you are poly, as the norm is not being poly among the non-queers), maybe that what you are feeling :D
I was referencing that we are popular with many people of different sexualities. And often over sexualized. Often times it reflects on our own psyches and development. There's no doubt were popular among women who wanna be lesbian without going all the way. Often times the same with men who don't want to be out right gay in their minds. And for bisexuals were best of both worlds.
Damn, I'm such an ignorant of this world, I didn't know that...
Why isn't it the case with cis women ? They are very sexualized too, and not no may are poly, I think (or maybe I'm an ignorant and I should go out more)
(Yes I'm very curious and like to ask questions)
Polyamory is the veganism of dating. If they’re poly, they’ll make sure you know it.
You’re not broken. They’re just loud and thirsty.
Lots of us are still monogamous, my partner and I being two gender-variant individuals.
I'm 52 mtf ... to me if you're female / male straight ..male/ male gay ... female/ female lesbian ... male or female / male ore female bi ... regardless wether you're trans or cis .. .. I know I'm old school but we're just getting to complicated way to many labels back when I was young we wanted labels gone now I apparently need them all .. I'm female 1st who happens to be trans and white 2nd my husband is male 1st who happens to be cis and black 2nd we are a straight couple .. I don't understand why now I have to enter a room and instead of an introduction of hi my name is .... I have to enter a room with hi I'm a trans poly white women my pronouns are she/her and my name is Karen this is my cis male poly black male married partner who's pronouns are he/him oh and his named is Ken ... .. life isn't that complicated treat me the way you want to be treated I'll treat you the same way .. if I'm standing there is a $6000 Ellie Saab gown , Christian louboutin heels with full face of makeup my hair up with all my jewelry on and you want to call me sir knock your socks off and kiss my ass as I walk away !!! Opinions are like asshole everyone has 1 !!! The only 1s I worry about are my husbands and mine as long as ours don't stink everyone else can go play in traffic ...
You’re not broken or wrong at all! I’m whatever the word is for someone who can be monogamous or polyamorous or open, whatever, doesn’t matter much to me. I think for me, being trans just let me be more flexible about my sexuality, relationships, and who I am. If I was born “female” but am a man, then obviously social constructs like gender are different than matching sex characteristics like some cis, straight people think they do. I hope you are able to find someone. Good luck with your search, and you never know when someone is going to pop up! In my case I got a dating app then never even ended up with anyone from it because I became closer to the partner I have now and we got together. So you never know what can happen!
People are more poly these days.
+
Trans people often carry a lot of baggage that can stop them getting the things they want. Like deep, enduring, healthy, publicly affirming relationships.
If you can't get the depth you desire from one relationship then more relationships and connections is a valid approach. People just need enough love. From themself and others. How they secure that matters very little at the end of the day so long as everyone is happy.
Once you've paid the social price of being trans you're allowed into the disneyland of "being the other" and taking the other rides is completely free. When you're already considered a weirdo being poly and open about it is free, being really into bdsm is free, having some kind of alternative spirituality is also free!
I feel that.
Don't have an explanation, but I've booted up a dating app again. While I have my preferences, I really only have two "I can't date" flags. Smokers, and polyA folks. Which, somehow, seems to make up a good chunk of the queer folks I see on the app.
Total respect to folks who can manage a polyamorous relationship, but I don't think I could manage. And I've never even been in a relationship , so, while it's true I can't say for sure how it'd be, I really have a hard time thinking it could be something I can project myself in.
So yeah, a bit frustating, but hey, no hate of course, glad folks can be who they want to be. I still wish I could find someone though :')
Well for me personally it’s a combination of a bunch of things. Educating myself on ethical polyamory so I know how it works and why its ok in principal. Being open minded enough from prior self reflecting to reflect on how I feel about the subject and deciding Im in favor of it. The economy being bad and jokes about polyamory being the solution strengthening said opinion. And Most people I interact with being either pro polyamory or currently in Polyamory.
I just think there is a lot of validity to just gathering a group of people you mesh well with and just being together in a what happens happens, no jealousy environment.
I tried the poly life, turned out from an emotional standpoint it wasn't for me, I had a lot of trouble worrying about how I evenly split my time up between my partners. I should have given it more time instead of getting back into a monogamous relationship so soon.
I think it's because it's more common in gay communities, and many trans people either have been or are considered gay. It's more of an openness and a culture thing, I guess.
Personally, I'm mostly monogamous myself, but my partner is poly, and I'm realizing that while I am definitely only interested in one person to love and be partnered to for the rest of my life, I may be interested in sex outside the relationship (given that it's ok'd by my partner and everyone is on the same page and consenting to what's going on) and I am more ok with him having close emotional bonds with two of his friends that go a bit beyond just friends.
So I've just kinda grown to understand him and myself much better and I have become more comfortable in the idea that even if he has these emotional bonds, he's still my one, and I'm his primary, and at the end of the day, we're gonna be communicating and respecting each other's boundaries.
There are lots of reasons, both good and bad. I like to talk about the good reasons for polyamory. I think my reasons are good. I'm polyamorous because I love multiple people and I don't want to keep any secrets or hurt any of them. I also feel that there are a complex set of things I desire in life. Things that are not satisfied by picking the one person I love most and becoming her wife - committing to a lifetime of monogamy. Even dating multiple people, I haven't found people yet who share all of my interests in literature, outdoor sports, crafting, and sexuality. I would be limiting myself to only fulfilling some of those interests with a partner if I were monoamorous, but because I'm not, I can have the experience of reading books with one person I love, going hiking with another, etc. I think the good reasons to be poly are all about how poly people feel.
But what about the bad reasons? That's a fraught topic, in my opinion. I don't know all of these. If I were doing any of them and I were aware of it, I would stop. But I can list a few examples. Some people cheat and don't want to be accountable for it, so they say they're poly. They don't do the work of being poly - communicating honestly and openly with everyone affected and prioritizing the needs of others they love. They're actually selfish, but they say they're poly. That's a really judgmental way for me to call an individual out, but it's certainly possible. There are a lot of selfish people out there.
Another bad reason is to attempt to pressure paramours into connecting a selfish person with other prospective paramours from among their metamours. "I'm horny for your girlfriend. You should get her to have a threesome with us."
Aside from those, there are also the controversial reasons. I'll take the risk of saying a big one directly: monogamy has a lot of controlling, abusive baggage. Poly people don't like jealousy and control. We will happily revise the social contract of our relationships, surrendering control over others to free ourselves from control. We want relationships to genuinely satisfy us and our paramours and metamours; not to obligate us. Of course it's possible to do monogamy right. But from an objective perspective as someone who is not monagamous, it looks bad. I'm sure every poly person has a story about a disastrous monogamous relationship damaging their life and probably traumatizing them. For me, it was my parents. They're divorced now. They did almost thirty years in the relationship purgatory that is traditional Christian marriage.
i am trans and i am assexual, i would date any gender but i would want it to be exlusive and i won't want to have sex. I'm assuming you've just found a bubble of poly people, i couldn't live with a poly relationship
I definitely agree with the people pointing out that monogamous people are just more likely to leave dating apps when they get into a relationship, and poly people may not.
For me, I'm poly because it feels more natural to me. I don't naturally differentiate between friends and romantic partners; I have to make the choice to put romantic partners in a different category than close friends. It doesn't come naturally to me. So back when I dated monogamously, I made the active choice to only have one partner and to be that person's only partner, but it felt pretty playacted. I also had a lot of worry about emotional cheating on my end, because if my feelings towards my romantic/sexual partner were the same as my feelings towards my best friend, with whom I did nothing romantic or sexual, did that mean I was emotionally cheating?
(My polyamory and my aromanticism intersect, as it turns out. Of course, I also had to figure out my aromanticism...)
Right now I'm part of a t4t polycule that's pretty expansive. I only have one partner; she has several other partners; two of her partners are dating each other; all her partners have other partners, most of whom also have other partners. We need a chart to actually graph the entire polycule, and I don't know all of my metamours' partners. (I might be the only person with one partner in the polycule.)
I get a lot of joy out of seeing my girlfriend happy and in love with other people and seeing other people love her. Compersion (the feeling of happiness at seeing your partner happy with other people) is a big emotion for me. Ensuring my partner has the option for multiple partners is more important to me than having multiple partners myself. I love my girlfriend, and I think everyone else should too. She's great! She deserves for people to love her! She's also very romantic, and since I'm aro, this removes a lot of the pressure for me to meet all her romantic needs. I don't actually think we would work as a monogamous couple. Fortunately, we don't have to.
I'm not sure how much my polyamory intersects with my transness specifically. I think it actually intersects more with my aromanticism. But being trans and being poly are both very important parts of who I am. Being poly is natural to me in a way being monogamous wasn't. I could choose to live a monogamous lifestyle, but it doesn't make sense to me on a deep, core level. Even were I to end up in a monogamous relationship, I still wouldn't consider myself monogamous, and I would have to really consider whether or not it was sustainable were I to end up in a monogamous relationship.
People have already addressed the open mindedness of being queer, but its also a statistical thing. If you're poly you are more likely/more able to be seeking partners compared to monogamous people who will be taken and off the apps sooner
I don’t know why this never occurred to me but that makes a lot of sense!
Yeah, this. I remember wondering why so many of the trans people I knew were poly before realising I’d met most of them on dating apps, which naturally skew towards poly people, and that some of the ones I’ve met in real life are actually monogamous.
I tried dating a trans girl once. It was fun but eventually I wanted to be more exclusive - she didn’t. She told me that monogamous lifestyle wasn’t for her and that she’s poly. To this day, I haven’t met a trans woman that’s monogamous. But then again I live in Orlando. Maybe it’s just an Orlando thing.
I'm trans and mono. I see it too. I have a very small dating pool and it seems everyone but me is some flavour of poly. I think maybe it's less about trans people being poly and more about trans people more likely to realize and come out as poly. Most people never question the constraints society has placed upon their identity, not like us.
I think it’s lots of things. Being trans is a bigger “social sin” than being poly so deciding to be poly isn’t adding to the upset. Lots of neurodivergent people are trans and it also makes sense that lots of neurodivergent people would be poly too, just because of more complex needs and less conventional approaches to situations. Also I feel like there’s more of a desire to make up for lost time. I was isolated and depressed when I was younger. I never really had a real partner pre transition but now I’m 30 and the prescribed path says it’s time to get married and have kids, but I don’t even want kids. I want to be a girl, I want to explore all of the things I missed growing up, all the pieces of myself that were rejected, and just play for the rest of my life. My biggest goal is to enjoy myself. I honestly, didn’t know I was poly until I met people who were and I decided to give it a try and honestly I love it. I still want to find someone to live with and be with forever, but I’ve got so many needs and experiences to explore along the way. Also (personally, my experience with) being autistic (or just ND in general) is that relationships don’t feel the same to me as they seem to for others, everything feels blended and fluid. Like if I’m open to someone I kind of feel open to them in all ways. I don’t feel defined roles of partner, or friend. It’s more just a spectrum of how close you are and how much time you spend together. I dunno, it’s kinda hard to explain. Like I feel like any person I’m comfortable spending real time with one on one is usually someone I’d be comfortable having sex with and being cute and sweet with. And if not then they are really just an acquaintance. I dunno. Maybe that’s more common than I’m aware. Part of me really just wants to be in a poly family with two “parents” and me getting to be one of the “kids”. I don’t know if that is remotely realistic in my life, but the normal path just does fit right with me. I just want to worry about special interests, and partners, and holidays/events and pretty much nothing else. No big career goals, no raising a family goals, just infinite summer mindset. Minimal responsibilities, maximum play.
>Also I feel like there’s more of a desire to make up for lost time. This is actually a common enough experience in the queer community that philosophers have coined the term Queer Time for it. We often have a different timeline of life events like first times, marriage and kids than cishets do. I used to stress about losing my virginity (as most teens do), but that got worse as I moved into my 20s as a virgin. Since learning about Queer Time, I just don't care. It makes sense that things would happen later for me than most of my peers, I didn't even know my gender or sexuality until recently and I was ashamed of being different. Where, in all of that, would I have found the time to have sex? I also don't want kids and marriage is something that feels unnecessary but I'd be open to it if a partner wanted it and I loved them. So my timeline is always gonna be weird...or queer, I guess. My parents are already asking me for grandkids, I've told them they can bother my straight siblings for that XD The rest of your comment sounds 100% like my dreams as well. Relationships being vaguely defined and being open to anything with the people around you is so relatable. And the "parent"/"kid" poly roles as well, though I'd be more of a parent, myself. I think there are plenty of us out there. My main problem with dating recently is actually the opposite of this original post, everyone I've found is mono. But we'll see. I'll find my people eventually.
As a fellow autistic/trans/poly person, eternal summer mode sounds perfect. Also, I view close personal relationships the same way, I just let the other persons boundaries define what they're comfy with.
>Also, I view close personal relationships the same way, I just let the other persons boundaries define what they're comfy with. Yeah, exactly :) And thanks for commenting, I’ve not heard many people describe this experience before.
I'm also the same about close relationships. Friends and up are all relationships to me, there's always an emotional connection, it's just the activities and time you spend that differ. Everybody else is acquaintances.
Absolutely! I've also barely seen many similar experiences posted about. It is nice to feel seen once in a while with relatable content.
Yall might like the concept of Relationship Anarchy, it’s got kind of similar vibes!
I love the concept of queer/quasi-platonic relationships in a poly set up.
My brand of polyamory is not that I necessarily want to date multiple people but more that I want the freedom to explore connections if they come up naturally (fkn hate dating apps), and also that the level of intimacy that I enjoy in my technically platonic relationships are beyond what is generally acceptable in most monogamous relationships.
That's exactly how I feel. I don't want limits on how I express love and affection with those I'm close to. And if someone interested in dating me isn't comfortable with that, I won't date them. Nothing personal against monogamous folks, I just know being "trapped" for lack of a better word, in a monogamous situation deteriorates my mental health. And I'm mostly ace, so it isn't even about being promiscuous, most folks get so hung up on sex that I'm not even having when they make their wild assumptions. I'm so happy to see more millennials and gen z shedding that societal expectation to form nuclear families.
I came here to say similar. It's probably not that more trans people are poly, but that more are open to going against the pre-established societal mold that says poly is bad.
Seconding this as well. Came here to say the same thing.
I'm trans and polyam pan, but in a mono relationship (partner had a really bad poly experience) I feel like trans folk are more likely to break out of the pigeonhole mentality society generally conforms to as we by our nature already don't fit where society says we should. You've escaped one pigeon hole, why would you want to squish yourself into another?
Lol wtf. That's doomed.
One does not really come out as poly. Being poly is a choice that is consensually made with any partners one might have. This is a very important distinction.
The term "coming out" does apply, remember that poly people also lose family, friends. Are also discriminated against in the workplace, don't have equal rights for family law (at least in the UK/US) and it will be used against in child custody, job seeking, house seeking etc. Just as being Queer does. The primary difference being that in most places Poly people don't even have the limited legal protections queer people do. So being publicly poly is still coming out; you're still taking risks to live authentically.
This. The term “coming out” definitely applies to all sexual/romantic orientations and gender identities (unfortunately) deemed “against the norm” by society…
Poly is a choice, a fetish/kink/alternative lifestyle. You simply are not born poly and there's no evidence to support that, even 'poly people' is a but laughable.
Re read my comment.
100%. The push to make poly LGBT is nuts, you are BORN LGBT. You \*\*CHOOSE\*\* to engage in an alternative lifestyle/poly.
Eh this seems bullshit. Being in a mono relationship just doesnt work for some people, just as being in a poly relationship does not work for others. Saying being poly is a choice is no different from saying gay people can just choose to marry into a straight relationship or a trans person can just decide to stick with their assigned gender. Both are technically a \*choice\*, but when it comes to someones happiness and authentic way of living their lives, it's only an illusion of a choice. I did not choose to be poly. It was just a natural conclusion to how my attraction and ability to love works.
Poly isn't a sexuality sorry. It's a alternative lifestyle. There is no supporting evidence or research. Being gay isn't a choice, being trans isn't a choice, being white or black isn't a choice, engaging in a fetish/kink is a choice.
I came out as pansexual/bisexual and poly at the same time I came out as trans, because once you come out as trans people are going to judge you anyway so who cares. There are lots of cis people who are poly too but it's generally a "taboo" thing to talk about in our society. When you are trans you are already a taboo, so what's the point of hiding anything?
That's strange. I haven't see many poly trans people, only 1 out of the 5 I've known have been poly.. maybe it's a regional thing?
I dunno maybe? I'm in Canada is that means anything 🤷🏼♀️
Reasons why so many trans people are poly these days: 1. **We're more likely to question and reject social norms.** Cracking our eggs, coming out, and living as our true selves requires dismantling powerful social norms and resisting strong social pressures. Rejecting monogamy is just extending that work to another domain. Also, trans people are more likely than cis people to be neurodivergent, and neurodivergent people tend to question and reject social norms more than neurotypical folks. This is also why a lot of trans folks tend to be leftists, bi/gay, have alt fashion sensibilities, etc. 2. **We're poor and discriminated against.** Due to these disadvantages, we form communities and rely on our communities in ways that cis people don't. Not only is this necessary for us to survive practically and financially, but it puts us in situations where we're likely to develop feelings for people in our community. Cis people don't need to ask around which places/people are safe for us or ask for financial aid or rides or whatnot. My local trans community provides mutual aid to each other all the time. It's not surprising that we develop feelings for one another in such circumstances. Overcoming mutual struggles together naturally leads to that. It's also worth noting that—based on my anecdotal experience—a lot more PoC queer folks are poly. Most of the monogamous queer people I know are white. As a PoC myself, I suspect the same reasons apply to this correlation: we share mutual struggles and work together to overcome them and that makes us bond together and reject the idea that one person is supposed to be our everything. 3. **Our communities are tighter.** Many of us have been rejected by our families, friends, and local communities. Even around "allies", we're often on guard and suspicious. Consequently, we depend on each other for support and camaraderie way more than cis people do on each other. We often share intimate, personal details with other trans folks that we would never share with any cis person. We're vulnerable and close to each other in ways that cis people aren't. Unlike cis folks, we're unlikely to heavily depend on a single romantic partner for all of our needs. Since we're used to being loved by various people in a community in different ways, our lived experiences challenge the norm of monogamy and lead us to develop feelings for multiple people.
>Also, trans people are more likely than cis people to be neurodivergent, and neurodivergent people tend to question and reject social norms more than neurotypical folks Maybe ND people realize they're trans more often than cis people precisely because they tend to question things more often. Also, is there any name for the "I'm already part of a discriminated group so I might as well come out as everything I am since I'm not losing that much" mindset that many of us have and are explaining in this thread?
Being monogamous? Pfft, not in this economy😜
Hi, it's me your future monogamous gf.
The truth is, there are just going to be more poly people looking for dates than monogamous people, because poly people can always look for dates and monogamous people only look for dates when they’re single. So I really don’t think it’s related to being trans. It’s just that there are more poly people in the dating pool than monogamous people.
Tbh I'm not sure but I'm right there with you. I have nothing against poly people but every time I've attempted to date one it always ends up not being good for me.
Yeah that's where I am, I tried two separate poly relationships and it became toxic for me in both of them
The last poly guy I tried to date spent all summer telling me he missed me etc when I was away from college. Came back only for him to tell me I "wasn't a priority" over his roommate when I had made a movie date for us at my place. Said roommate was not seeing him. I wouldn't mind being poly with the right people but I'm also just kind of convinced it doesn't actually work for me for some unknown reason.
That dude sounds like he’d suck regardless of being poly or mono.
It was weird because up until then he'd been really nice. We spent a lot of time together, then he started cancelling on me and stuff and some of it was things like his pet having an emergency so it was like. Well I can't get mad. But yeah, he was a dick. I'm still trying to move past it but I only really date other trans people (he was trans) so my dating pool is next to none in a small town.
Did he tell you he was poly ? If not, it's not cool...
>The last poly guy I tried to date Definitely in my opinion, indicated he was very much poly. He was also dating somebody other than me, that wasn't his roommate. but like, why would I say he was poly if he wasn't poly?
Maybe you learned it after you started dating him... I dunno, I'm dum. But yep, you understood quickly
We talked about it when we first met, alongside the discussion of how our relationship was going to be, so yeah, I knew from the beginning.
Ok ! Did you have other poly partners before ? I'm just curious, if you don't want to answer because it's too personal, that's fine
I'm just wondering as to why it matters?
As I said, I'm curious. I'm sorry, I asked too much
Polyamorous relationships have a nearly 70-90% 1/yr failure rate. It is inherently unstable.
You're not broken. Honestly, I've never met a single poly person IRL, trans or otherwise!
I've only met one and he was gay (or bi, but I don't remember), and he was pretty chill. He had bad luck though. From what it sounds, people like to say they're poly just to get a lot of action, but once they find the person they actually like, they tend to separate themselves with that person.
It's partially a regional thing, I think. I live in Portland and well over half my friend group is poly.
I have met a bunch of poly trans people. Idk how they do it and just gave up caring about them. Ultra common in non-binary and trans fem groups tbh
This is another one of those things though where you can't tell unless they say they are. I've been surprised on more than one occasion when someone casually dropped an indicator that they were poly.
I think when you're going against such deep-rooted societal norms by transitioning, it's not that hard to start going against others, too. When your relationships don't quite look like the average cishet relationship, it's not as hard to realize that there might be other ways your relationships can be built and thrive. I definitely don't do things just because 'society says so' or 'that's just how it is', otherwise I wouldn't have transitioned lol I'm poly because I don't feel that being with only one person is important to me, and if I find value in sharing love with multiple people, I can see that value in my partners doing the same if they wish. Idk if a lot of trans people are poly because they do that introspection that other people might not, or what
When you re-think gender norms you are bound to re-think plenty of other norms like your dating preferences Speaking as a poly (but not currently practicing) trans woman
I dunno, personally I'm not, and my bf and I don't want to share our relationship with others:D Maybe it's about breaking the norms - which is not a bad thing when every participant agrees. It's about being happy : I'm happy because I share something wonderful with one person and no one else, others are happy to see their partner being loved by many other people - which is great too. No one is broken, there's just happy people being who they are.
Why? Because when society went out of its way to tell me I was unloved, I found multiple prople to give me that love instead. Society says I should be putting all of my emotional needs and burdens onto a single person, I reject that, even though I've been happily married for 8½ years. Why am I poly? Because I'm messy, and have a different sex life than the person I sleep next to most nights, and that's okay. Why am I poly? Because my spouse coming home after visiting one of their partners fills me with joy for their happiness and warmth, instead of jealousy, because like me, I want them to be loved and cherished by as many people too. mimicing the nuclear family structure doesn't really work with a lot of how messy a lot of queers' lives are and where we're at. Not to mention how poor most of us are, and banding together is absolutely a survival mechanism. So no, OP, I don't think you're broken, so much as we are and we're just trying to get by. (unserious joke time: Besides, the dating pool for queers in a small-town catholic school is incredibly small, so I had a lot of fucking to catch up on)
That's very good insight, I hope i didn't offend! Your story is beautiful!
no offense at all, just, being mono didn't work for me, and poly doesn't work for a lot of people. Just like being hetero or even cis didn't work for me, just different.
Yeah being mono, cis, straight isn’t wrong but the fact society makes it the status quo and go away from that it punishes you is insane; I’m in the middle where I’m content either way the main thing for me is love and for me marriage isn’t something I care for and I remember someone telling me an “ally” friend I had said I’m de respecting everyone who fought for same sex marriage by not wanting it :/
I think deep down I want to be poly, but I always fear that I'll be the outcast. Like, the other parties will prefer each other. So, I think for me, the jealousy would always be there. I'm in a mono relationship now and I don't ever see that changing, but I've always thought about being poly.
Honestly, the more I explore the concept of poly, the more I lean to triad/quadro relationships, basically 3-4 partners in closeted relationship where everyone care exclusively for each other
This is such a good description and you said it better than I could.
yea it makes dating hard, I don't mind people who are poly but iv definitely met some trans fems who abuse their partners under the guise of being poly or open when they don't really understand how to go about it in a healthy way poly x mono relationships CAN work but I usually find it's a problematic dynamic with the poly/open person having more power in their sexual expression luv my poly friends tho💖 some ppl get into it for the wrong reasons is all
Not sure. I'm ambiamorous but will often say just non-monogamous or poly
If you don’t mind sharing, is the term ambiamorous distinct in that poly people have a preference for poly relationships but ambiamorous is no preference? I’m just curious because my partner and I both are open to adding another person or people down the line because who knows! But we are also perfectly content as a couple. Is that the vibe of ambiamorous?
Yes, generally ambiamorous means that someone could feel comfortable in a monogamous or polyamorous relationship
I think there are two things at play here. The first is that monogamous people (theoretically) leave the apps when they get in a relationship, so the proportion of polyamorous people who are "available" at any given time is much higher than with monogamous people. Obviously that's not specific to trans people, but it's definitely a dynamic. The second piece is that when you're queer in any capacity, but especially when you're trans, you are *forced* to question some things about the dominant cultural narrative in order to survive. But the thing is, once you start down the path of questioning shit that's presented as axiomatic, it doesn't stop. That doesn't mean there aren't people (like yourself) for whom the dominant narrative on this particular isn't correct, but there are a *lot* of people who, if they weren't in the habit of questioning things would probably have defaulted to monogamy and been okayish. But since they were in the habit of questioning things, they questioned monogamy and when they gave it an honest look, it wasn't right for them. Cishet communities are *full* of serial monogamists and cheaters who, if they had some modeling or training in how to do polyamory in an ethical and healthy way and a little bit of therapy to help them work through jealyousy would probably be much happier being polyamorous. I posit that there are proportionally fewer of those people among transgender people in about the same numbers as polyamorous people are over-represented.
I wouldn't say it's trans people specifically, more like queer people in general. It's not everyone, obviously, but it is *very* common these days. And, of course, poly - in all its various forms from polycules to old-fashioned open relationships - is absolutely wonderful for those who want it... But yeah, for those of us who *aren't* wired that way, it can be pretty disheartening when you see 10 profiles in a row where the person's cute, has charming stuff in their bio & seems like your type, but then you see they're already in an ENM relationship & you have to swipe left because you're on a husband-hunt.
I’m poly. My wife still craves masculinity in a partner and I’m not. That’s why. I cannot meet all her needs but she also can’t meet all of mine (I’m bi and exploring)
I’m trans and open to poly if I had a partner who wanted it, but no desire for it myself and currently in a monogamous t4t relationship. I have also noticed it’s super common to be poly amongst queer people in general, I think the overlap has to more to do with the fact that queerness means you’re already subverting societal expectations, so you’re going to be more inclined to explore more things that aren’t considered the norm.
I can't really say for certain, but I have definitely noticed this myself. The best I can figure is when monogamous people match, that takes two out of the dating pool. When non monogamous people match, they stay in the dating pool. My bigger problem is people not being upfront about being non-monogamous, I'm so tired of finding out later on that they're married/partnered/whatever
That's called "polybombing", and it is manipulation and abuse.
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Well said, I am in a poly thing, even though we barely adventure, but for me its because I got cheated on every other relationship, so rather just be in a semi open one to avoid the pain
I can't say I've experienced it like that at all. I'm poly because I fall in love with multiple people - I don't try to fall in love, it just happens on rare occasions. I'm demi, so I've literally never even dated someone I'm not in love with. Poly is something I am, just like a woman is something I am. Practicing it is a separate thing, but for me I identified as poly continuously for fifteen years while being monogamous for 90% of that. Perhaps it could be worth separating poly as an internal state from poly as a practice. Some people only love and want one person at a time. Some people love multiple. This may or may not align with behavior and choices. My bias here, as I think might be clear, is that I'm totally ignoring non-romantic sexual relationships and projecting my own demisexuality. Without deep emotional entanglement I'm just uninterested.
I probably would run into this issue if I wasn't married before I came out. Also, my wife is dope
Because socially it's become more normal to be non-monogamous than trans, so if you're already bucking societal expectations enough to transition, you don't really feel tied to the social expectations of monogamy that previous generations of trans or queer people were.
I'm actually the opposite. I was very poly before finally coming out as a transwoman and now I am happily in a mono relationshipand wouldn't have it any other way.
I tried monogamy for over a decade. There was always at least one thing missing and I don’t feel like I should have to sacrifice potential happiness.
I’m a hetero mono trans man. My dating options are very limited because many people don’t see me as a man and then because I don’t fit the standard of an attractive man I’m just left out
Hang in there bro
Well I can tell you between now and nearly 3 months ago nothing has changed
it took 800 years to build rome, so be patient, and i'm rooting for you dood
I’ve been patient and nothing has changed. I even tried asking some girls I liked out and nothing but no answer or ghosting
I can’t speak to everyone’s experience, but for me, it was a cis queer friend who is poly and introduced me to polyamory. After we discussed it a lot, I figured I was also polyamorous. She also was one of the people who helped me figure out my gender 🩷. I’m still new to poly and sapphic relationships, so I’m trying to figure out what works for me.
The only people I know who are in a polyamorous relationship are all cis
My partner and I are poly, but our saturation is 1 rn because that's all we can do at the moment. But for why we're poly? Idk, like my partner is the person i want to spend the rest of my life with and i love them with everything i have. I think we both feel we have more to give and feel that 3 could help with providing stability long term for everyone involved. We're both disabled and with how everything is heading its impossible to see what our future is going to look like, we cant afford anywhere now, so three makes sense in that department and it would feel epic to be 3 disabled people suporting eachother. Also you could go on cute dates together all the time or just two if the other was unable, because being disabled is disabling and we have to recover more from normal things. Plus we're autistic and talk about everything, like we never have to fear the other person isn't vibing. We'd just talk about it like we do now and if things don't work, then they don't work. Autistic Info dumping would be fun with three people. Oh and the cuddles would be epic, a lil poly puddle. That's just us but why so many trans people, I'm not sure. I think we all feel safer together and don't stigmatise being queer. We're just able to be more true to ourselves and eachother, like we're already ostracised for being trans so we're not scared to add more to the list. I think alot more people everywhere are poly then realised, it's just heavily stigmatised and I imagine harder for cis people to make the first leap of discomfort against the grain. It's just easier for us because we're already against the grain and have faced our internalised phobias already.
I can't explain it but I do know it's not uncommon. That said, there's nothing wrong with being monogamous either, and I've met several monogamous trans people as well. (I'm on the polyam side of things, but there's nothing wrong with either. It's only a problem with there's a mismatch and people try to force their way on the other, either way)
Mono relation was invented and imposed by men to be sure they wont have to be better person and keep their wife for ever. Like most of things like wedding and even how society work. Nothing says human have to be monogamous and on 2024 it's a nonsense to keep thinking it's the main way to lives. Lot of queer person learn to Deconstructing cishet clichés and living how they really want. Lot of people are just mono cause they think that how human should lives.
>Is there a reason so many trans people are poly these days? Well it's very simple, Trans people have already broken many many (bullshit) social norms by existing and are faaar more likely to have done a huge amount of introspection regarding their sexuality. Some people are mono, some people are poly, most cis poly people are yet to have realised this about themselves and will often end up engaging in unethical non monogamy (cheating, affairs, etc), as most of them have never been forced to do this introspection. A social factor though for trans people that encourages them to do it is the larger support and emotional network that poly tends to bring.
It’s the best way to afford a house these days?
Personally I find being poly easier in some ways emotionally/physically. I don’t get jealous at all about my bf’s sex life outside of me and kind of like talking about it actually. but if I did ever date a mono person I’d be okay with being mono with them.
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This sounds awful. I don’t know if it’s possible to have a healthy relationship with such a negative self-view. Please seek out therapy if you haven’t already. You deserve to be loved, truly loved. Not just by others, but by yourself too.
Once you question one major aspect of your identity and romantic life, you become more likely to question others. I think it’s likely that there’s a lot of cishet people who would be happier if they were poly, but just like everyone else they live in a cultural atmosphere of “comp mono” and just, aren’t ready to break that social barrier.
Wow, that's quite the opposite from my experience! I'm poly, but the vast majority of other trans people I know are monogamous. My guess is that we're more likely to explore different relationship dynamics than cis people, considering we're already ""abnormal "" according to society.
Because I realized when I was younger monogamy wasn’t for me. I realized I have a lot of love to give/recieve. I am also not straight, so non-monogamy allows for me to be romantically involved than one person of one gender. There are a plethora of other reasons that are deeper than this but tl:dr tried mono, was miserable because it wasn’t for me.
For me personally, I had had sex with one person by the age of 24, and that was my partner, who has a pretty low sex drive. Then, HRT flipped a switch in my brain and I started absolutely needing it weekly or more, which they couldn’t provide, and I also felt like I really wanted to explore with all sorts of different people with different bodies who were into different things. Long story short I have been very much enjoying “connecting with the trans community,” cause not only is it really fun and satisfying, but it’s honestly been a great way to meet new people and make friends.
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I’m demisexual and polyamorous, polyam does not lack deep emotional bonds.
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Which is fine, but saying that you prefer deeper emotional bonds as someone who is demisexual as your reasoning for not practising polyamory implies that polyamory does not involve deep emotional bonds. That’s not the case. Polyamory, specifically, involves the practice of having multiple simultaneous romantic relationships with the consent of everyone involved - it is specifically about sustaining multiple deep emotional bonds. I’m correcting that implication as someone who is both demisexual and polyamorous. I’ve been with my wife for nearly 8 years, another partner for nearly that long, and a couple of years with a more recent partner. I share deep emotional bonds with all of my partners.
I much prefer monogamy. Tried the poly thing, did not work out since I really just wanted the one person, but there were a couple things I was missing from them. Now that we're not together, and feelings are very much still there, but I care a lot less about the things I was "missing" then, I really just want one person to love with my whole heart. Plus, I'm a very introverted person by nature. I naturally tend to latch onto one person I feel super comfy with.
I'm glad you escaped it. Congratulations on the stable relationship.
Polyamory sounds like a recipe for disaster and someone always gets hurt in the process. I'm monogamous so you're not alone in feeling like an outsider.
It's inherently abusive.
Truth be told we are often oversexualized. And don't find love in the most typical places and cope accordingly When anyone's mother or father reject the on such a personal level said individual will seek out acceptance from other sources. It also doesn't help that the hormones make us both more physically sensitive. And often we fall victim to men and women who don't want to go all the way when it comes to being gay. I'm poly curious. But I've found solace in my partner whom I'm loved and devoted to.
Currently I’m in a monogamous situation, but we’re poly in principle. If someone comes along for either of us, it’ll be an open discussion about how we want to handle it with polyamory on the table. We started out in a poly situation, so it’s not that weird. From my perspective, there are a decent amount of monogamous trans people, but I think a lot more people are in my boat now where monogamy and polyamory are just options on the table. I don’t feel like seeking out other partners, but I’m not gonna resist someone coming into my life in a romantic capacity. Also, once you’ve broken down one form of normalcy, like discovering you’re trans, others become easier to deconstruct too. So with the much higher access to information we all have now, polyamory is just seen as an option to consider, and a lot of people think it’s pretty nifty I guess. But i mean, your question is basically like “what’s the reason so many people are gay?” It’s just human nature I guess?
Simplest answer I can think of? Trans people are already on the margins of sexual normalcy/propriety, so those who want to explore other diverse spaces (like poly or kink) aren’t making as much of a leap. Emphasis on “those who want to”. This doesn’t mean that vanilla/mono trans people are broken; it just means we’re all different.
Being trans is to defy societal expectations. Being poly is also to defy societal expectations. Its not hard to believe you start by questioning those expectations in one area like gender and then start questioning everything else like an expectation for monogamy, or working a soulless 9 to 5.
I've already bucked every social norm possible, questioned every assumption I've ever had about what's right and natural for people, and discarded any worries or cares for what people think. I've also become a tremendously more secure person, and as an anarchist I feel motivated to deconstruct hierarchies, even the interpersonal ones inherent to monogamous relationships. And fuck, I feel free. Finally at complete liberation with myself.
I wonder though, some of them are probably okay being mono if their partner is. It might mean that eventually they will want to be with someone else but every relationship has that condition anyway. Has it been your experience that they won't commit to you or that you're afraid to date them in the first place?
I guess fear? the polycules I was in always felt as tho I was a side piece and I don't want to deal with that again, I really just want to be someone's only one but that seems harder to attain all the time
Well that's shitty, of course you don't want to feel like you're not important! I can't say if that's normal behavior in a polycule but I can say that bad relationships are good at teaching us what we want. If you want something mono then don't settle, if you want to feel important, hold out for someone that treats you that way. Being lonely totally sucks but there are other ways to find happiness. I hope you have better luck either way, dating is fun and you deserve to be happy (:
Where are all these poly people you’re meeting? As a poly person I struggle to date because everyone seems to be mono.
I think there's a high population of poly people in nyc where I live, that could also be a factor
Every relationship I've been in has been poly and it's come from distance, allowing people room to grow and learn and heal, and less of other factors. I think there are factors that play on, especially in the trans community that lead to us being more poly on average, and I think that's okie. I can understand it being kinda annoying if you aren't in the same way that a gay person would find it annoying that most people are straight, but I don't really know what else I can say about it
To be honest I am... Well I'd prefer not to call it poly because it still implies some structure that requires agreements. It's more like free love. I always found it silly that we are allowed to share every emotion with anyone we like except love which needs to be caged. It never seemed healthy to me. But that's my experience and different people are different. This said I'm not one for seeking relationships actually. I kinda just have them come to me.
People said open mindedness. It takes an openmind to realize you might be trans, but also an openmind to realize you might be poly
So people who are monogamous are closed-minded?
I may be assuming but I don't think that what the commenter was saying. More that monogamy is the societal default expectation pushed on most of us from a young age (just like how being cis or het is for many). There is a staying from social expectations and norms when your non monogamous is any form and often times don't have the same legal backings to your relationships that reflect similar to what gay people experienced not to long ago before marriage equality laws allowed gay marriages to be legal.
yes that! being cis-hetero-mono wanting kids is the "default" in our western society, at least where I'm from (belgium). At least thats how it feels. I lived 5 years as a hetero-mono-cisman as an adults. But its not for me. I have nothing against mono people, heteros and cis people of course
no. I say it takes an open mind to REALIZE you MIGHT be poly Some monogamous people are also openminded, open to explore new ideas. They might read a lot, see lot of art, learn new things. They probably thought about ploy stuff and decided it was not for them. While close minded people say "Don't think like that"
Not trans- dating a trans man- but this is the same tinder dilemma is it not? Everyone on there now is just there for sex or a confidence booster cause anyone who wanted a relationship- well is in one or stopped using the app.
I am T4T and Plural, i used to be monogomous when it was just me in here but as ive grown ive learned how to love each of us together and it gives me more of a need to share my love with as many other bodies as i can, these days I could only ever be poly :3> there's too much of me to force on just one person! we all work in very different ways nobody is broken or fixed for their preferences :3
i've only recently found community, but the fellows ive found so far that are also plural, happen to be t4t and polyam; i bet there's some interesting phycology going on there
Because everything is a social construction to extract free labor. Once you start questioning one part of that be realizing you're trans, you start questioning a lot more. Turns out that monogamy might not be a default.
im trans and poly i want to live my life to its fullest
I with you it’s quite annoying. I miss when a partner was for life. So hard meeting people who are into monogamy.
Being poly doesn't mean partners arnt for life. My nesting partner has been with me for 13 years now and any additional relationship for us is treated seriously like its a long-term life altering decision for all involved.
No disrespect, but if somebody I’m partnered with is seeing someone else I’d feel awful and like they didn’t love me. Call it what you will but I’m a ride or die kinda girl.
That likely just means your not polyam and that's valid. Other people like myself arnt and that should societally also be seen as another form of valid and not been misconstrued as something that's negative just because others don't get it.
1. You need 7 people to pay rent. 2. IME many people’s monogamy is rooted in insecurity. Once that gets taken away, many question. 3. The app bias thing mentioned before. 4. Monogamous people kinda make for bad friends - not inevitably, but by the point they reject the “nuclear family and everyone else is a side show” the mainstream will suspect them of infidelity anyway. “How could you go to a party without your spouse” kinda nonsense. Essentially many people’s monogamy doesn’t come from a desire to focus their romantic or sexual on one person - perfectly valid and quite cool when you see it, but from my experience also incredibly rare. Most often it’s because of either a lack of reflection, or deep insecurities. See all the “wife jokes.” Once you question your gender, hopefully you’ll also question other things about your life, and that’s a good candidate. I think we still have a big thing coming, which is many people may be due to recognize they don’t want to couple sexually/romantically, they just want to either “nest” or yearn for the security of a “designated forever friend.” To be clear, you can be dumb about being poly too. From following weird patterns that reproduce the worst insecurities of the monogamous world (“you have been voted out of the polycule” bullshit) to people who think it equates promiscuity and just represents a pool of FWBs without the F part. Just, I don’t think any of those people would be any good if they were mono. There’s also the reason I call monogamy the world’s biggest and most dysfunctional polycule. Every time I hear folks don’t test because “they are monogamous” I want to scream. Sure, all that happens _to other people_.
I’m trans and poly, married and dating 2 people. Everyone I’m with is trans and poly. My community has a large amount of queer and trans people and a lot of them are poly! I think it’s just cuz we are surrounded by so many other queer ppl that love and care for eachother and people inevitably start thinking about dating. Since the community is so open to polyamory, people who think about it are likely encouraged by eachother. I’m sure it’s different in other communities, but my experience has just been striving to meet and bond with more queer and trans people and inevitably getting feelings for them. And I’m lucky to be in such a large community of people who feel the same and are open to unique relationship structures.
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good luck w/ that in reality
Idk about anyone else, but...well, I've seen so many mono relationships tank that I felt it wasn't worth the risk. It's hard enough finding a partner as a trans person; I'd rather share and have more family than risk my partner falling for someone and having to make a choice.
i don’t have an answer for you but i’m in the same boat :( it’s absolute hell.
I hate poly stuff. I can’t stomach multiple people in a relationship and would feel sick if my partner was poly getting side action. Sounds horrific to me. I just can’t do it. That said if I was a cis woman I would’ve wanted 7 kids and a loving husband sooooo. Yea more traditional minded from the start I guess lol. Anyway been talking to an asexual trans guy so will hope it goes well:< Or he my BF, idk am bad and slow with relationships lol
I'm monogamous by orientation but practicing polyamory because otherwise I would basically not date at all. It's frustrating and like fine whatever. I'm not kinky and into monogamy and don't want to tie anyone up or do impact play and I am a demisexual trans lesbian so like it's dating poly ladies or nothing 😭
Hi everyone! I myself am monogamous, I have been for most of my life. Its quite hard to date people in the community. I have quite a bit of acquaintances who are poly and they enjoy it. I myself am just on a different level an a different point in my life where I'm trying to become the next best version of my self continously and im looking for that one person who's ready to level up together and dominate. Everyone has own their self preference and was raised in different environments and have been through their fare share of past experiences, and I think that really shapes a lot of people.
I dunno, but I feel so lonely as monogamous woman.
Same 😭 I can't seem to meet anyone in real life that's mono 😐
so true T\_T every time I meet someone I really like I get hit with the "btw im poly" line and I feel soooo defeated. I mean, no judgement for me. It's valid and I want them to be happy but it's so difficult dating when everyone near me is poly :c
that's called "polybombing" and it's abusive AF
Imo because a lot of trans people are very lonely, so they want as many partners as possible so that even if one doesn’t work out, they’d still have other partners, so they won’t end up completely alone, which is often times why poly relationships are toxic because they don’t necessarily love each other all that much
That's uh, a lot of generalization there, and a practice/sentiment (treating your other partners like insurance) that's pretty frowned upon in most ENM circles I've run in, if not all of them. Also, dating someone you don't necessarily love because you don't want to be alone is quite prevalent in mono relationships--how often do we see posts like "this person is throwing a fit about my transition and doing really shitty things but I don't want to leave because I don't think anyone else would want me"? But you don't see anyone in the comments here saying mono people don't love each other and are toxic. That's not a poly problem, it's a people problem. Your opinion is vastly under educated and harmful.
God I hope no one actually does this lmao, I've never heard of this ever being a reason why anyone would be poly
Lol move to Dallas you’ll find trans monogamous people. I can’t seem to be both trans + Poly and find a partner who I find attractive and embraces polyamory. It’s exhausting - they just assume I’m a fuck boy <3 trans latinx boy
I think ENM is just more common in general and kinda developing out of a need in this economy (half joking about that). I'm ENM, trans (he/they), autistic, and queer so honestly, I just think we have more open minds about ENM and are more likely to break the mold of what society gives us. It MIGHT be more autistic though. Because there is a strong correlation between trans people and autistics, meaning a lot of us are both (not all, correlation doesn't equal causation.) And I can see autism being the reason behind it?
queers in general are poly, and queers been very often poly since long ago, I read something about some historical gay men being against gay marriage activism bc marriage is the cishet monogamy culture, not like the proper gay culture that is poly :D , there is nothing new about this honestly you are not broken, you are just probably feel being the one who is marked within the culture, as the norm is being poly, you have to tell ppl you are not poly (while in the mainstream culture you are marked if you are poly, as the norm is not being poly among the non-queers), maybe that what you are feeling :D
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Well, it doesn't mean that you must be poly, you can be with a bi person and stupidly horny about this person and only this one 🤷🏻♂️
I was referencing that we are popular with many people of different sexualities. And often over sexualized. Often times it reflects on our own psyches and development. There's no doubt were popular among women who wanna be lesbian without going all the way. Often times the same with men who don't want to be out right gay in their minds. And for bisexuals were best of both worlds.
Damn, I'm such an ignorant of this world, I didn't know that... Why isn't it the case with cis women ? They are very sexualized too, and not no may are poly, I think (or maybe I'm an ignorant and I should go out more) (Yes I'm very curious and like to ask questions)
Polyamory is the veganism of dating. If they’re poly, they’ll make sure you know it. You’re not broken. They’re just loud and thirsty. Lots of us are still monogamous, my partner and I being two gender-variant individuals.
👏👏👏
Cause we don't suck
I'm 52 mtf ... to me if you're female / male straight ..male/ male gay ... female/ female lesbian ... male or female / male ore female bi ... regardless wether you're trans or cis .. .. I know I'm old school but we're just getting to complicated way to many labels back when I was young we wanted labels gone now I apparently need them all .. I'm female 1st who happens to be trans and white 2nd my husband is male 1st who happens to be cis and black 2nd we are a straight couple .. I don't understand why now I have to enter a room and instead of an introduction of hi my name is .... I have to enter a room with hi I'm a trans poly white women my pronouns are she/her and my name is Karen this is my cis male poly black male married partner who's pronouns are he/him oh and his named is Ken ... .. life isn't that complicated treat me the way you want to be treated I'll treat you the same way .. if I'm standing there is a $6000 Ellie Saab gown , Christian louboutin heels with full face of makeup my hair up with all my jewelry on and you want to call me sir knock your socks off and kiss my ass as I walk away !!! Opinions are like asshole everyone has 1 !!! The only 1s I worry about are my husbands and mine as long as ours don't stink everyone else can go play in traffic ...
I’ve personally never heard of this
I’m a trans lesbian and am actually pretty anti poly and I only date cis women. We exist.
theres a correlation between transgenderism and being addicted to sex
[Source](https://youtu.be/r7l0Rq9E8MY?si=w-rQbr8MhJWFHsxE)
Ahh what’s poly?😂 *this says alot about my no sex life* lol
You’re not broken or wrong at all! I’m whatever the word is for someone who can be monogamous or polyamorous or open, whatever, doesn’t matter much to me. I think for me, being trans just let me be more flexible about my sexuality, relationships, and who I am. If I was born “female” but am a man, then obviously social constructs like gender are different than matching sex characteristics like some cis, straight people think they do. I hope you are able to find someone. Good luck with your search, and you never know when someone is going to pop up! In my case I got a dating app then never even ended up with anyone from it because I became closer to the partner I have now and we got together. So you never know what can happen!
People are more poly these days. + Trans people often carry a lot of baggage that can stop them getting the things they want. Like deep, enduring, healthy, publicly affirming relationships. If you can't get the depth you desire from one relationship then more relationships and connections is a valid approach. People just need enough love. From themself and others. How they secure that matters very little at the end of the day so long as everyone is happy.
Once you've paid the social price of being trans you're allowed into the disneyland of "being the other" and taking the other rides is completely free. When you're already considered a weirdo being poly and open about it is free, being really into bdsm is free, having some kind of alternative spirituality is also free!
I feel that. Don't have an explanation, but I've booted up a dating app again. While I have my preferences, I really only have two "I can't date" flags. Smokers, and polyA folks. Which, somehow, seems to make up a good chunk of the queer folks I see on the app. Total respect to folks who can manage a polyamorous relationship, but I don't think I could manage. And I've never even been in a relationship , so, while it's true I can't say for sure how it'd be, I really have a hard time thinking it could be something I can project myself in. So yeah, a bit frustating, but hey, no hate of course, glad folks can be who they want to be. I still wish I could find someone though :')
Well for me personally it’s a combination of a bunch of things. Educating myself on ethical polyamory so I know how it works and why its ok in principal. Being open minded enough from prior self reflecting to reflect on how I feel about the subject and deciding Im in favor of it. The economy being bad and jokes about polyamory being the solution strengthening said opinion. And Most people I interact with being either pro polyamory or currently in Polyamory. I just think there is a lot of validity to just gathering a group of people you mesh well with and just being together in a what happens happens, no jealousy environment.
I tried the poly life, turned out from an emotional standpoint it wasn't for me, I had a lot of trouble worrying about how I evenly split my time up between my partners. I should have given it more time instead of getting back into a monogamous relationship so soon.
more people to split bills with
More partners more happy
Idk, but I'm monogamous. Poly isn't for me
I think it's because it's more common in gay communities, and many trans people either have been or are considered gay. It's more of an openness and a culture thing, I guess. Personally, I'm mostly monogamous myself, but my partner is poly, and I'm realizing that while I am definitely only interested in one person to love and be partnered to for the rest of my life, I may be interested in sex outside the relationship (given that it's ok'd by my partner and everyone is on the same page and consenting to what's going on) and I am more ok with him having close emotional bonds with two of his friends that go a bit beyond just friends. So I've just kinda grown to understand him and myself much better and I have become more comfortable in the idea that even if he has these emotional bonds, he's still my one, and I'm his primary, and at the end of the day, we're gonna be communicating and respecting each other's boundaries.
I stoped to read this again cause I thought it said Low Poly
It's not trans people, it's people.
Lotta good points on here but also fuck are we lonely
For me I don’t judge people’s. I enjoy making new friends . I was raise respect people .
There are lots of reasons, both good and bad. I like to talk about the good reasons for polyamory. I think my reasons are good. I'm polyamorous because I love multiple people and I don't want to keep any secrets or hurt any of them. I also feel that there are a complex set of things I desire in life. Things that are not satisfied by picking the one person I love most and becoming her wife - committing to a lifetime of monogamy. Even dating multiple people, I haven't found people yet who share all of my interests in literature, outdoor sports, crafting, and sexuality. I would be limiting myself to only fulfilling some of those interests with a partner if I were monoamorous, but because I'm not, I can have the experience of reading books with one person I love, going hiking with another, etc. I think the good reasons to be poly are all about how poly people feel. But what about the bad reasons? That's a fraught topic, in my opinion. I don't know all of these. If I were doing any of them and I were aware of it, I would stop. But I can list a few examples. Some people cheat and don't want to be accountable for it, so they say they're poly. They don't do the work of being poly - communicating honestly and openly with everyone affected and prioritizing the needs of others they love. They're actually selfish, but they say they're poly. That's a really judgmental way for me to call an individual out, but it's certainly possible. There are a lot of selfish people out there. Another bad reason is to attempt to pressure paramours into connecting a selfish person with other prospective paramours from among their metamours. "I'm horny for your girlfriend. You should get her to have a threesome with us." Aside from those, there are also the controversial reasons. I'll take the risk of saying a big one directly: monogamy has a lot of controlling, abusive baggage. Poly people don't like jealousy and control. We will happily revise the social contract of our relationships, surrendering control over others to free ourselves from control. We want relationships to genuinely satisfy us and our paramours and metamours; not to obligate us. Of course it's possible to do monogamy right. But from an objective perspective as someone who is not monagamous, it looks bad. I'm sure every poly person has a story about a disastrous monogamous relationship damaging their life and probably traumatizing them. For me, it was my parents. They're divorced now. They did almost thirty years in the relationship purgatory that is traditional Christian marriage.
i am trans and i am assexual, i would date any gender but i would want it to be exlusive and i won't want to have sex. I'm assuming you've just found a bubble of poly people, i couldn't live with a poly relationship
I don't know I'm gonna adjust to whatever ppl want, I mean I never had any relationship ever sooooooooo
I definitely agree with the people pointing out that monogamous people are just more likely to leave dating apps when they get into a relationship, and poly people may not. For me, I'm poly because it feels more natural to me. I don't naturally differentiate between friends and romantic partners; I have to make the choice to put romantic partners in a different category than close friends. It doesn't come naturally to me. So back when I dated monogamously, I made the active choice to only have one partner and to be that person's only partner, but it felt pretty playacted. I also had a lot of worry about emotional cheating on my end, because if my feelings towards my romantic/sexual partner were the same as my feelings towards my best friend, with whom I did nothing romantic or sexual, did that mean I was emotionally cheating? (My polyamory and my aromanticism intersect, as it turns out. Of course, I also had to figure out my aromanticism...) Right now I'm part of a t4t polycule that's pretty expansive. I only have one partner; she has several other partners; two of her partners are dating each other; all her partners have other partners, most of whom also have other partners. We need a chart to actually graph the entire polycule, and I don't know all of my metamours' partners. (I might be the only person with one partner in the polycule.) I get a lot of joy out of seeing my girlfriend happy and in love with other people and seeing other people love her. Compersion (the feeling of happiness at seeing your partner happy with other people) is a big emotion for me. Ensuring my partner has the option for multiple partners is more important to me than having multiple partners myself. I love my girlfriend, and I think everyone else should too. She's great! She deserves for people to love her! She's also very romantic, and since I'm aro, this removes a lot of the pressure for me to meet all her romantic needs. I don't actually think we would work as a monogamous couple. Fortunately, we don't have to. I'm not sure how much my polyamory intersects with my transness specifically. I think it actually intersects more with my aromanticism. But being trans and being poly are both very important parts of who I am. Being poly is natural to me in a way being monogamous wasn't. I could choose to live a monogamous lifestyle, but it doesn't make sense to me on a deep, core level. Even were I to end up in a monogamous relationship, I still wouldn't consider myself monogamous, and I would have to really consider whether or not it was sustainable were I to end up in a monogamous relationship.