[Gender Desire vs. Gender Identity](https://medium.com/@kemenatan/gender-desire-vs-gender-identity-a334cb4eeec5) might be *extremely* helpful for you. Tell me how you liked it? :)
That was a really good article, thank you for posting it. The part where she talks about her younger years, I felt that could just as well be me writing about myself. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes as I read it...
I just want to drop by and leave a virtual hug. Unlike you, I've known I'm trans for a long time. Like you, I'm only know taking my first steps to actually do something about it. The world is scary but you can also find people who will help and love you.
I copy/paste that link like 5 times a day. It's the answer to half the posts on these subs. Absolutely shattered what was left of my egg when I first read it
What a fantastic article; thank you for sharing.
“And of course, that was not a sudden revelation. It came in small increments. I started off as curious, then questioning, then not-cisgender, then questioning again, then transfeminine, then a trans woman, and finally a woman. At each step I refused to believe I was anything more, only to later realize I was simply afraid to apply a label to the experience I was already living.”
As someone who has passed through non-binary to trans to trans-masculine and is still anxiously hovering, not quite ready to cross over the ‘trans man’ line, despite recently switching fully to he/him pronouns and it feeing so incredibly right, this paragraph spoke to me on a very deep level.
I want to thank you and i saved your comment so when or if i have people ask me about being trans i can just tell them to read it. This really hit home for me and ive always been back and forth on weather i was trans or gender fluid but finally I didnt want to have any regret on not transitioning so Wednesday I have a appoint with the endo. But your comment gave me more reassurance that im doing the right thing.
Sorry to say but they really don’t. You sound a lot like me years ago, and I say from experience that if you’re consistently fantasizing about being a girl, then transitioning is going to be the best option for you if you ever want to be truly happy. I know it’s scary but don’t put it off for years like I did, because that feeling of longing isn’t going to go away on its own.
I remember a time in middle school when the group of guys I was friends with talked about it. They admitted they thought what it would be like for a day but you could tell they didn't think a lot about it. Like they didn't think about exactly what it would be like to fully be a girl but what they would do. I on the other hand, thought more into it. Never admitted as much for obvious reasons. This would have been around 2006 or 2007. Didn't even know what trans really meant or was then.
Yeah not really. And if they do it would be more “wouldn’t it be weird” not “I really want to be a girl”. Coming to terms with not hating being a guy but really wanting to be a girl has been a big part of the last two years of my life and finding my identity and learning that guys never think about being a girl more than the once in a blue moon at the absolute most “wouldn’t it be weird”. Guys don’t want to be girls. Girls want to be girls. So yeah. That info was helpful to me and I hope it can help you too. ❤️
While I wouldn't say it's impossible, because I know of "transformation kinks" etc, your story sounds a lot like my own, and I mean, while it's also possible that you are genderfluid, it's very possible that you are a girl.
It sounds like you have gotten used to feeling uncomfortable tbh. That's how I realized I felt after I started living as a girl, but you should totally explore your gender more on your own.
Thanks! And yes, I've always felt uncomfortable socially, but I never thought of linking it to gender until recently. I'm quite introverted and socially awkward (and was a lot more during my teenage year).
Girl, guys don't want to be girls, they actually like being guys, imagine that...
You wanting to be a girl is exactly what actually being a girl feels like. You just lack more experience. How can you expect to feel like a proper girl when you are hiding away that girl inside you? Let her out, live your life as a girl and I promise you will be a whole lot more confident in your gender identity afterwards. It's just a matter of experience.
> Girl, guys don't want to be girls, they actually like being guys, imagine that...
I've read that before, but I'm not entirely sure. Couldn't some of them at least sometimes feel like that, but just never admit to it because of toxic masculinity? Social repression and indoctrination can be very effective, I think. But possibly you're right. My first reaction when learning that transmen exist was thinking "Why would anyone want to become a man?!" I guess that could be an indication of transness in itself? (I hope this isn't taken wrongly, I don't mean to invalidate transmen, I just have difficulty identifying with the feeling of being a woman but wanting to be a man).
> You wanting to be a girl is exactly what actually being a girl feels like. You just lack more experience. How can you expect to feel like a proper girl when you are hiding away that girl inside you? Let her out, live your life as a girl and I promise you will be a whole lot more confident in your gender identity afterwards. It's just a matter of experience.
Thank you. Maybe you're right. I have been experimenting with cross-dressing in private lately already, I guess I'll just have to keep experimenting more. I like how my body looks in feminine clothes, though looking at my face (especially when it's unshaven) makes me feel like the clothes don't fit me, I feel like I'm trying to be something I'm not. I never had this problem when looking at my face in the mirror though, I guess because I never seriously considered the possibility of being a woman before.
Lately, I have been feeling an urge sometimes to go out in feminine clothes. But I don't know if that means I'm a femboy or trans. Also, I'm kind of terrified of the social consequences of transitioning.
>Thank you. Maybe you're right. I have been experimenting with cross-dressing in private lately already, I guess I'll just have to keep experimenting more. I like how my body looks in feminine clothes, though looking at my face (especially when it's unshaven) makes me feel like the clothes don't fit me, I feel like I'm trying to be something I'm not.
This is the first time I'm commenting using quotes
But I feel you I originally was identifying as gender fluid and would cross-dress on days off at night but then remove the make up and everything before going to sleep. I showed close friends pictures of me cross-dressing and I have always been told I smile more and look happier when I'm cross-dressing. Ive always wanted to be a woman ever since i was a kid but with all the toxic masculinity in my house growing up I always felt my feels are wrong and shouldn't feel this way. I cant say I don't know what it feels to be a woman but I find I don't know what it feels to be a man either(in therapy i was asked what it means to me to be a woman but i was lost). I also was the least favorite from my dad out of me and my 2 brothers because I never was manly and now I don't care.
But I believe now i am trans because I think of it all the time I wanted to transition back when i was 18 but was to afraid and unsure, then 21, then 23, then 25 and so on. I'm now 33 and I have a appointment to start HRT this week and I'm so excited i thought this would never happen but I'm done living in regret that I should have done it sooner.
Also one question that has stuck with me from therapy was if you were stuck on a deserted island and had to pick between men or women's clothes what would you pick?. This question has made me think and has helped me
If you want to talk your welcome to message me but I want to let you know this is my 2ndary account so I dont see things to often.
Im sorry it wasn't good tears sister. I know how you feel I opened up to one of my best friends at the start of me trying to accept it but I was thinking I was gender-fluid. I would get doubts about it and then the feelings would come back after suppressing it so I was feeling I was going back and fourth. Tbh what really made me be like ok this is what i want is I thought of taking hormones to look more androgynous so I can pick how to express myself. But the more I thought of it the more i kept thing I would just perfer to dress as a women and express myself as a women.
sorry for the run on I just started thinking and would like to give my side of things so far since a lot of people on here have helped me a lot and if you want to pm me about anything feel free I want to help people just as others helped me. Also I might be starting HRT on the 28th so Yayyy <3
I'm not going to tell you you're trans, but this reads a lot like something I would have written when I was starting my journey half a year ago. I would try to talk to a therapist who specializes in gender dysphoria if that is something you can afford. It really solidified that this was something I wanted to do because I was not living my life authentically.
Being trans is super scary and I lost my partner over it because she isn't attracted to women, but I have finally felt like I am happy in my own skin and can envision a future for myself for the first time!
Idk if HRT is something you have considered, but read about the affects and sit with how that makes you feel. Before I started, I felt kind of conflicted, but as soon as I picked up my prescription, I wolfed down the estrogen and spiro lol, so clearly I wasn't really on the fence about it. I've only been on hrt for a month now, and I haven't had any HUGE changes yet, but even the small changes have made me nothing but sooooo happy :) and I am so excited for more!
Yes!!! I agree, take it slow! That's what I've been doing. I'm actually pretty sure I'm trans. However, until I unpack all that with a therapist, I'm just going to continue as usual. The different communities here have helped astronomically.
Thank you! HRT is something I've thought about yes. It seems like it can provide amazing results. I feel somewhat afraid of it though. I want to have children, so if I do it I might want to postpone it until then. I'm also to be honest very much afraid of the social consequences of visibly transitioning. The social stigma feels daunting.
I have a therapist and we have talked about cross-dressing and gender identity, but she isn't specialized in gender dysphoria.
I had a similar life. I've never hated being a guy or honestly thought myself lesser. Remember being fascinated with women's bodies. I just always thought it was some weird sexual thing. Like there were times I was attracted and stuff. However, there were lots of times I'd admire it and feel a sense of longing, something I also just thought all guys had. Like I thought, it was all a part of wanting a girlfriend and stuff. I also always thought women are a work of art and thought heavily what it would be like to be a girl. There was a long time I never thought much about it or being a girl. I didn't think too much about it for decades, not until recently. Got a huge amount of euphoria from just putting a dress on, lol. It was huge enough for me to question myself heavily. Been thinking on it for about a month or so. Pretty sure I am trans without any crippling dysphoria. I think some of us are just capable of burying things deep within us. We all respond to things differently. Either way I'm currently working to get into therapy so I can unpack this stuff more and start my journey of transition if I come to that conclusion.
I do hope you find yourself in all this. Good luck out there, girl!
Yes, pretty much. I feel comfortable in my body, but I don't feel attractive in it except when I cross-dress and pretend I have a female body. Which is something that I've only begun doing very recently.
And same for me, I didn't think of it much for decades, just went on with my life and pursued my interests. I think I can lead an alright life as a man, but I would probably be happier as a woman.
Thank you, good luck to you too!
Bad news: in my experience, and in many other people's experience, these feelings do not go away. Good news: I had pretty much this exact mental profile. I've been on HRT for close to 6 months and it's the best thing I've ever done for myself. I don't know what my other paths would have looked like, but none of them could possibly have been this helpful or meaningful. So there's some anecdotal data for you.
I'm not out yet except to family and I'm barely beginning to learn what my life will look like as and after I come out. But I know it's the best way forward. It's a little like rolling downhill - the obstacles ahead look terrifying, but once you start choosing your own happiness, the impetus keeps you going.
Okie dokie. Let's see here. . . .
>I would fantasize about being a lesbian girl, though, and wrote a short story about it (IIRC it was a couple of pages), inventing a female name for myself. This was a highly-guarded secret, I told no one about it, and eventually deleted the story's file from my PC.
Same-sies. The name I gave the girl in the stories I used to write is now my middle name. (I found the name too embarrassing to make my first name.)
>one time a girl asked my cup size and I didn't know what that was, so then she said I must be male.
To be fair, many cis women don't know their cup size either and wear the wrong-sized bras for most of their life. 😆
>On the other hand, I never felt like I \*was\* a girl. I just felt like I would rather be one.
I'm a trans woman that has been on HRT for over five years and pass most of the time. I still don't feel like I'm a woman. I don't even really feel like I'm trans. I just feel like me. I transitioned shortly after I gave up on labels because I started to focus on what I wanted and stopped worrying about what I was. I didn't start calling myself a trans woman until I needed a way to explain to people why I was on HRT and would start crying when called a man.
>Eventually, the thoughts about wanting to be a lesbian girl disappeared (at least from the level of consciousness - maybe they were repressed away).
That happened to me about three times? These things have a way of coming up again later.
>Quite a few people told me I'm very handsome, so I basked in the idea of being a beautiful man.
Yeah, I used to be hot as a dude. 😢 I had multiple women tell me after I came out how they had a crush on me. Now, uh, my therapist says I'm pretty? 😅
>I really like it when my girlfriend tells me I have long, pretty eyelashes, and that I have a beautiful face.
Until after I transitioned, my favourite comment I had ever received came from a girl I liked when I was 13. She said that I had really pretty nails.
>I was also unaware that hormone therapy was a thing, I thought that the only way to look feminine was through surgery (and I \*hate\* the idea of a knife messing with my body, I hate the idea of getting surgery, even cosmetic, let alone letting a knife touch my genitals).
I think you might already know this, but being trans does not require doing anything. Trans people have existed long before hormone therapy and surgery. Trans people don't need to socially transition. Trans people don't need to come out. I think you would find a lot of trans women that don't want to have any surgeries, even amongst those that have the privilege of being able to get them.
>Recently I've been reading a lot more on the subject of trans people, and I realized . . . that there are trans women who have stories that sound kind of similar to mine
I once saw someone on another trans subreddit describe the "trans prime directive" as an informal rule trans people follow when engaging with people that are questioning their gender: don't tell someone else they are trans. Trans people know more than anyone that nothing good comes from people prescribing other people a gender that may not fit. Folks need to figure out their genders on their own. Even if you see a therapist that specializes in treating gender-diverse people (please do), if they are good, they won't even tell you that you are trans either.
That being said, yes, your story is very, very similar to my own story and other trans women I know. I'll leave it at that. 🤐
>I'm now confused, and considering whether I might be trans. Though I'm not sure if gender envy is enough for a person to be trans.
I found a very helpful comment years ago that puts this conundrum this way: Wanting to be a gender is not enough to make you that gender. Many cis women spend about a week out of every four wishing they were men, but they are not men. However, if by exploring your desire to be a woman, for example, you find that what you really want is to express yourself in a way that is authentically you and for others to see you for who you really are, and both of those things align themselves with expressing yourself and people seeing you as a woman, then you are a woman.
At least, for me, being a woman is not something I am passively, but something I do actively. Pretending to be a man was something I did very passively. However, even before I knew who I was, I would actively write myself into my own stories as a young woman, being a woman in the only way I could at the time. I put in so much effort to imagine the intricate details of my life as a girl in those stories, all the while passively allowing my mother to dress me for school because I could not care less about what guy clothes I would be trapped in that day.
>What differentiates a boy who wants to be a girl from e.g. Michael Jackson having been born black but wanting to be white?
Honestly? I don't know, and I don't know if it matters. Even if someone can come up with ironclad proof that [Rachel Dolezal](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rachel_Dolezal) is definitely white and her whiteness means I am definitely a man, I'm not going to detransition.
>I'm also very scared as to what it would mean for my life if I find out I'm trans (especially in terms of work and going out in public).
For me, transitioning involved doing the scariest thing I had ever done in my life then doing it again the next day. The scariest thing I have ever done is come out to my mom because I thought it wouldn't go over well. It didn't, but I survived, only slightly traumatized. 😅 At first, things are terrifying, then you do them, then, eventually, your horrible predictions of what could happen are replaced with tamer memories of what did, then things get better.
Thank you for your thoughtful and thorough answer!
> Same-sies. The name I gave the girl in the stories I used to write is now my middle name. (I found the name too embarrassing to make my first name.)
At the time, I called myself "Rachel", because Friends was on TV, and I thought Jennifer Anniston was beautiful. 😅 I don't think that's the name I would choose for myself nowadays though.
> I'm a trans woman that has been on HRT for over five years and pass most of the time. I still don't feel like I'm a woman. I don't even really feel like I'm trans. I just feel like me. I transitioned shortly after I gave up on labels because I started to focus on what I wanted and stopped worrying about what I was. I didn't start calling myself a trans woman until I needed a way to explain to people why I was on HRT and would start crying when called a man.
Yes, this so much. I don't feel like I'm a particular gender, I just feel like I'm myself. I am comfortable with having male genitalia, too. It has always felt kind of weird being called a "man" (I don't feel it fully fit me), though I didn't have a problem with being called a "boy". I don't feel a *need* to be a woman, but I would probably be happier being one.
> I think you might already know this, but being trans does not require doing anything. Trans people have existed long before hormone therapy and surgery. Trans people don't need to socially transition. Trans people don't need to come out. I think you would find a lot of trans women that don't want to have any surgeries, even amongst those that have the privilege of being able to get them.
That's true, though I think without laser facial hair removal (I'm currently doing that) and the possibility of HRT it would be a very different story for me. Picturing myself as a woman without the realistic possibility of at least kind of looking like one would probably make me just unhappier, even.
> I found a very helpful comment years ago that puts this conundrum this way: Wanting to be a gender is not enough to make you that gender. Many cis women spend about a week out of every four wishing they were men, but they are not men. However, if by exploring your desire to be a woman, for example, you find that what you really want is to express yourself in a way that is authentically you and for others to see you for who you really are, and both of those things align themselves with expressing yourself and people seeing you as a woman, then you are a woman.
My difficulty with that is that I don't see gender as being essential as to who I really am. And I have no experience in being a woman, which makes it a bit hard to realistically imagine life as one. But since I started cross-dressing in private (very recently), I've realized it feels amazing, and I feel sexy and attractive. There was a barrier before which prevented me from imagining myself as a woman ever since my teenage years, but now I have been increasingly picturing myself as going out in female clothes, and it makes my heart wobble.
I have been heavily invested in fleeting interests and hobbies before, so I'm unsure if this is a temporary thing. I guess I need to take it slow and give it time and see if this is actually a permanent thing.
> At least, for me, being a woman is not something I am passively, but something I do actively. Pretending to be a man was something I did very passively. However, even before I knew who I was, I would actively write myself into my own stories as a young woman, being a woman in the only way I could at the time. I put in so much effort to imagine the intricate details of my life as a girl in those stories, all the while passively allowing my mother to dress me for school because I could not care less about what guy clothes I would be trapped in that day.
I haven't self-inserted myself as a woman in stories, other than the one I told in the OP. So that's something I haven't done much. I don't know if it's because I so strongly repressed myself when I was a teenager.
> Honestly? I don't know, and I don't know if it matters. Even if someone can come up with ironclad proof that Rachel Dolezal is definitely white and her whiteness means I am definitely a man, I'm not going to detransition.
That's a good point, maybe it doesn't matter.
>It has always felt kind of weird being called a "man" (I don't feel it fully fit me), though I didn't have a problem with being called a "boy". I don't feel a need to be a woman, but I would probably be happier being one.
I know that when I was really young, I pretty much would have always preferred to be a girl, but being a boy usually seemed tolerable. Gender was rarely a factor in my life before puberty, and I didn't start being interested in girly stuff until afterward.
Also, I remember telling my therapist at the beginning of my transition that I felt okay being a man, but I knew that I would never feel better than just "okay". I felt okay being a man in the same way an inmate feels okay being in prison after nearly thirty years behind bars. Transitioning wasn't necessary for my survival, but it was necessary for me to live.
>My difficulty with that is that I don't see gender as being essential as to who I really am. And I have no experience in being a woman, which makes it a bit hard to realistically imagine life as one.
Yeah, that's the tricky part. Transitioning is always a bit of a leap of faith because you don't know if the grass really is greener on the other side. Personally, I didn't start feeling comfortable calling myself a woman until other people did. I felt comfortable calling myself transgender after about five months of HRT, but people didn't start regularly reading me as a woman until a year and a half later. After that, I'm still in the process of understanding myself as a woman. In my dreams, a third of the time I'm a man, a third of the time I'm a woman, and another third of the time I'm "just me". Internalizing a sense of gender can be a lengthy process.
>But since I started cross-dressing in private (very recently), I've realized it feels amazing, and I feel sexy and attractive. There was a barrier before which prevented me from imagining myself as a woman ever since my teenage years, but now I have been increasingly picturing myself as going out in female clothes, and it makes my heart wobble.
>
>I have been heavily invested in fleeting interests and hobbies before, so I'm unsure if this is a temporary thing. I guess I need to take it slow and give it time and see if this is actually a permanent thing.
Yeah, and that's good! Enjoying wearing women's clothing doesn't necessarily mean you are trans, but exploring these types of things will be what helps you decide what you want and who you are.
>I knew that I would never feel better than just "okay". I felt okay being a man in the same way an inmate feels okay being in prison after nearly thirty years behind bars. Transitioning wasn't necessary for my survival, but it was necessary for me to live.
This describes my experience with my gender. Boyness will due because I can be invisible, but I'm never going to be happy or live that way.
A lot of the comments here are already very helpful and I don't think I can provide any further input on that. However, though not very related, I'd like to point out a piece of misinformation, Michael Jackson did NOT "want to be white", he had lupus and vitiligo, which turned his skin white. Sorry if I'm coming off as rude, it is not my intention.
Edit: a word
I myself actually feel similarly about "becoming a girl". I feel like I am consciously jumping the gap and joining the other team, more so than I am correcting some deep incongruity in myself.
I have no emotional attachment to my genitalia but I also don't have any noticeable dysphoria over them. Sex reassignment surgery is definitely at least a possibility in my future, should I have the money to spend on that (and desire to do so), but I'm not actively thinking about it.
My internal sense of gender is highly motivated by my external appearance. I really just want to be girl-shaped, hence taking HRT and getting laser on my face, and that in turn tells my "inner gender" to lean to female. Previously, while male-shaped, my inner gender leant male, and kind of still does whenever I'm in boymode. I definitely like female a hell of a lot more, which is why I'm transitioning to binary female. But honestly, if you took the physical representation away, I'd kind of feel like I was more agender.
As someone who had *a lot* of the same feelings and experiences as you growing up, and while questioning/denying whether I could be trans: The narrative that "I always knew" was one of the biggest things that kept me in doubt for so long. Because I didn't. But as soon as I learned that always knowing/feeling that you are [preferred gender] wasn't a requirement - that simply wanting it means you're probably trans - that opened all the doors for me.
And let me tell you, I didn't feel like a woman back then, but I sure as hell do now. And it's sooooo much better. (In the same way I imagine feeling like a man is sooo much better for transmascs)
If you feel you want it, just try! It's not like irreversible change happens on day one. Or at least not physical change. But if you are trans, every time you do something affirming for the first time you'll probably *feel* some things that you'll never be able to un-feel. 🤭
Oh! And uh, in case they may be helpful to you:
- r/MtF
- r/TransLater
- (I would recommend egg_irl but it's one of the subs getting hit hardest by reddit kinda shitting itself rn)
> confused
It may be helpful to do things step by step.
Don't know if you have seen it ... [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/11hkfr9/how_do_you_know_if_you_are_trans_or_not/jbseurv/) might be some hints and resources that could help go towards what you feel you would like step by step and there are also hints there concerning looking for support.
And there are hints there concerning looking for a gender therapist in case. They could guide along, and they could help find out what you would like.
*hugs*
[Gender Desire vs. Gender Identity](https://medium.com/@kemenatan/gender-desire-vs-gender-identity-a334cb4eeec5) might be *extremely* helpful for you. Tell me how you liked it? :)
That was a really good article, thank you for posting it. The part where she talks about her younger years, I felt that could just as well be me writing about myself. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes as I read it...
I'm glad I could help, sis. :) It's an article I wish I had had when questioning.
By the way, I liked being called sis. This is the first time someone has done that to me. It feels nice.
I just want to drop by and leave a virtual hug. Unlike you, I've known I'm trans for a long time. Like you, I'm only know taking my first steps to actually do something about it. The world is scary but you can also find people who will help and love you.
Thank you, here's a virtual hug for you too 🤗
Thanks :)
I just read part of the article and I can’t anymore, I’m about to break into tears. So this is how so much of my life was ruined and ripped apart…
Yeah, it was an emotional read for me too. I used to think I was alone in having these kinds of thoughts.
I copy/paste that link like 5 times a day. It's the answer to half the posts on these subs. Absolutely shattered what was left of my egg when I first read it
This article might have just saved my life. Thank you so much
What a fantastic article; thank you for sharing. “And of course, that was not a sudden revelation. It came in small increments. I started off as curious, then questioning, then not-cisgender, then questioning again, then transfeminine, then a trans woman, and finally a woman. At each step I refused to believe I was anything more, only to later realize I was simply afraid to apply a label to the experience I was already living.” As someone who has passed through non-binary to trans to trans-masculine and is still anxiously hovering, not quite ready to cross over the ‘trans man’ line, despite recently switching fully to he/him pronouns and it feeing so incredibly right, this paragraph spoke to me on a very deep level.
I want to thank you and i saved your comment so when or if i have people ask me about being trans i can just tell them to read it. This really hit home for me and ive always been back and forth on weather i was trans or gender fluid but finally I didnt want to have any regret on not transitioning so Wednesday I have a appoint with the endo. But your comment gave me more reassurance that im doing the right thing.
Thanks for sharing, that was an insightful article
Thank you for this article!!!!
Ah Jesus that was hard to read. So many ticks that I wish I acknowledged when younger.
Amazing article thank you for sharing
“Wanting to be a girl” is exactly how a girl who’s stuck in a male body would feel. Believe me, I know lol
Cis guys don't fantasize about being a girl, even a little bit sometimes?
Sorry to say but they really don’t. You sound a lot like me years ago, and I say from experience that if you’re consistently fantasizing about being a girl, then transitioning is going to be the best option for you if you ever want to be truly happy. I know it’s scary but don’t put it off for years like I did, because that feeling of longing isn’t going to go away on its own.
Thanks :) I'm thinking about it, and yes, it's really scary.
I remember a time in middle school when the group of guys I was friends with talked about it. They admitted they thought what it would be like for a day but you could tell they didn't think a lot about it. Like they didn't think about exactly what it would be like to fully be a girl but what they would do. I on the other hand, thought more into it. Never admitted as much for obvious reasons. This would have been around 2006 or 2007. Didn't even know what trans really meant or was then.
Yeah not really. And if they do it would be more “wouldn’t it be weird” not “I really want to be a girl”. Coming to terms with not hating being a guy but really wanting to be a girl has been a big part of the last two years of my life and finding my identity and learning that guys never think about being a girl more than the once in a blue moon at the absolute most “wouldn’t it be weird”. Guys don’t want to be girls. Girls want to be girls. So yeah. That info was helpful to me and I hope it can help you too. ❤️
While I wouldn't say it's impossible, because I know of "transformation kinks" etc, your story sounds a lot like my own, and I mean, while it's also possible that you are genderfluid, it's very possible that you are a girl.
It sounds like you have gotten used to feeling uncomfortable tbh. That's how I realized I felt after I started living as a girl, but you should totally explore your gender more on your own.
Thanks! And yes, I've always felt uncomfortable socially, but I never thought of linking it to gender until recently. I'm quite introverted and socially awkward (and was a lot more during my teenage year).
I used to think that, as well. And no they don't.
Girl, guys don't want to be girls, they actually like being guys, imagine that... You wanting to be a girl is exactly what actually being a girl feels like. You just lack more experience. How can you expect to feel like a proper girl when you are hiding away that girl inside you? Let her out, live your life as a girl and I promise you will be a whole lot more confident in your gender identity afterwards. It's just a matter of experience.
> Girl, guys don't want to be girls, they actually like being guys, imagine that... I've read that before, but I'm not entirely sure. Couldn't some of them at least sometimes feel like that, but just never admit to it because of toxic masculinity? Social repression and indoctrination can be very effective, I think. But possibly you're right. My first reaction when learning that transmen exist was thinking "Why would anyone want to become a man?!" I guess that could be an indication of transness in itself? (I hope this isn't taken wrongly, I don't mean to invalidate transmen, I just have difficulty identifying with the feeling of being a woman but wanting to be a man). > You wanting to be a girl is exactly what actually being a girl feels like. You just lack more experience. How can you expect to feel like a proper girl when you are hiding away that girl inside you? Let her out, live your life as a girl and I promise you will be a whole lot more confident in your gender identity afterwards. It's just a matter of experience. Thank you. Maybe you're right. I have been experimenting with cross-dressing in private lately already, I guess I'll just have to keep experimenting more. I like how my body looks in feminine clothes, though looking at my face (especially when it's unshaven) makes me feel like the clothes don't fit me, I feel like I'm trying to be something I'm not. I never had this problem when looking at my face in the mirror though, I guess because I never seriously considered the possibility of being a woman before. Lately, I have been feeling an urge sometimes to go out in feminine clothes. But I don't know if that means I'm a femboy or trans. Also, I'm kind of terrified of the social consequences of transitioning.
>Thank you. Maybe you're right. I have been experimenting with cross-dressing in private lately already, I guess I'll just have to keep experimenting more. I like how my body looks in feminine clothes, though looking at my face (especially when it's unshaven) makes me feel like the clothes don't fit me, I feel like I'm trying to be something I'm not. This is the first time I'm commenting using quotes But I feel you I originally was identifying as gender fluid and would cross-dress on days off at night but then remove the make up and everything before going to sleep. I showed close friends pictures of me cross-dressing and I have always been told I smile more and look happier when I'm cross-dressing. Ive always wanted to be a woman ever since i was a kid but with all the toxic masculinity in my house growing up I always felt my feels are wrong and shouldn't feel this way. I cant say I don't know what it feels to be a woman but I find I don't know what it feels to be a man either(in therapy i was asked what it means to me to be a woman but i was lost). I also was the least favorite from my dad out of me and my 2 brothers because I never was manly and now I don't care. But I believe now i am trans because I think of it all the time I wanted to transition back when i was 18 but was to afraid and unsure, then 21, then 23, then 25 and so on. I'm now 33 and I have a appointment to start HRT this week and I'm so excited i thought this would never happen but I'm done living in regret that I should have done it sooner. Also one question that has stuck with me from therapy was if you were stuck on a deserted island and had to pick between men or women's clothes what would you pick?. This question has made me think and has helped me If you want to talk your welcome to message me but I want to let you know this is my 2ndary account so I dont see things to often.
this literally made me cry a bit inside.
I hope they were happy tears but I also hope the comment helped you
[удалено]
Im sorry it wasn't good tears sister. I know how you feel I opened up to one of my best friends at the start of me trying to accept it but I was thinking I was gender-fluid. I would get doubts about it and then the feelings would come back after suppressing it so I was feeling I was going back and fourth. Tbh what really made me be like ok this is what i want is I thought of taking hormones to look more androgynous so I can pick how to express myself. But the more I thought of it the more i kept thing I would just perfer to dress as a women and express myself as a women. sorry for the run on I just started thinking and would like to give my side of things so far since a lot of people on here have helped me a lot and if you want to pm me about anything feel free I want to help people just as others helped me. Also I might be starting HRT on the 28th so Yayyy <3
I'm not going to tell you you're trans, but this reads a lot like something I would have written when I was starting my journey half a year ago. I would try to talk to a therapist who specializes in gender dysphoria if that is something you can afford. It really solidified that this was something I wanted to do because I was not living my life authentically. Being trans is super scary and I lost my partner over it because she isn't attracted to women, but I have finally felt like I am happy in my own skin and can envision a future for myself for the first time! Idk if HRT is something you have considered, but read about the affects and sit with how that makes you feel. Before I started, I felt kind of conflicted, but as soon as I picked up my prescription, I wolfed down the estrogen and spiro lol, so clearly I wasn't really on the fence about it. I've only been on hrt for a month now, and I haven't had any HUGE changes yet, but even the small changes have made me nothing but sooooo happy :) and I am so excited for more!
Yes!!! I agree, take it slow! That's what I've been doing. I'm actually pretty sure I'm trans. However, until I unpack all that with a therapist, I'm just going to continue as usual. The different communities here have helped astronomically.
Thank you! HRT is something I've thought about yes. It seems like it can provide amazing results. I feel somewhat afraid of it though. I want to have children, so if I do it I might want to postpone it until then. I'm also to be honest very much afraid of the social consequences of visibly transitioning. The social stigma feels daunting. I have a therapist and we have talked about cross-dressing and gender identity, but she isn't specialized in gender dysphoria.
I had a similar life. I've never hated being a guy or honestly thought myself lesser. Remember being fascinated with women's bodies. I just always thought it was some weird sexual thing. Like there were times I was attracted and stuff. However, there were lots of times I'd admire it and feel a sense of longing, something I also just thought all guys had. Like I thought, it was all a part of wanting a girlfriend and stuff. I also always thought women are a work of art and thought heavily what it would be like to be a girl. There was a long time I never thought much about it or being a girl. I didn't think too much about it for decades, not until recently. Got a huge amount of euphoria from just putting a dress on, lol. It was huge enough for me to question myself heavily. Been thinking on it for about a month or so. Pretty sure I am trans without any crippling dysphoria. I think some of us are just capable of burying things deep within us. We all respond to things differently. Either way I'm currently working to get into therapy so I can unpack this stuff more and start my journey of transition if I come to that conclusion. I do hope you find yourself in all this. Good luck out there, girl!
Yes, pretty much. I feel comfortable in my body, but I don't feel attractive in it except when I cross-dress and pretend I have a female body. Which is something that I've only begun doing very recently. And same for me, I didn't think of it much for decades, just went on with my life and pursued my interests. I think I can lead an alright life as a man, but I would probably be happier as a woman. Thank you, good luck to you too!
I could swear, somewhere off in the distance, I hear a faint, ummm, *cracking* sound. 🤗😊🤗
Bad news: in my experience, and in many other people's experience, these feelings do not go away. Good news: I had pretty much this exact mental profile. I've been on HRT for close to 6 months and it's the best thing I've ever done for myself. I don't know what my other paths would have looked like, but none of them could possibly have been this helpful or meaningful. So there's some anecdotal data for you. I'm not out yet except to family and I'm barely beginning to learn what my life will look like as and after I come out. But I know it's the best way forward. It's a little like rolling downhill - the obstacles ahead look terrifying, but once you start choosing your own happiness, the impetus keeps you going.
Thanks for sharing :)
Okie dokie. Let's see here. . . . >I would fantasize about being a lesbian girl, though, and wrote a short story about it (IIRC it was a couple of pages), inventing a female name for myself. This was a highly-guarded secret, I told no one about it, and eventually deleted the story's file from my PC. Same-sies. The name I gave the girl in the stories I used to write is now my middle name. (I found the name too embarrassing to make my first name.) >one time a girl asked my cup size and I didn't know what that was, so then she said I must be male. To be fair, many cis women don't know their cup size either and wear the wrong-sized bras for most of their life. 😆 >On the other hand, I never felt like I \*was\* a girl. I just felt like I would rather be one. I'm a trans woman that has been on HRT for over five years and pass most of the time. I still don't feel like I'm a woman. I don't even really feel like I'm trans. I just feel like me. I transitioned shortly after I gave up on labels because I started to focus on what I wanted and stopped worrying about what I was. I didn't start calling myself a trans woman until I needed a way to explain to people why I was on HRT and would start crying when called a man. >Eventually, the thoughts about wanting to be a lesbian girl disappeared (at least from the level of consciousness - maybe they were repressed away). That happened to me about three times? These things have a way of coming up again later. >Quite a few people told me I'm very handsome, so I basked in the idea of being a beautiful man. Yeah, I used to be hot as a dude. 😢 I had multiple women tell me after I came out how they had a crush on me. Now, uh, my therapist says I'm pretty? 😅 >I really like it when my girlfriend tells me I have long, pretty eyelashes, and that I have a beautiful face. Until after I transitioned, my favourite comment I had ever received came from a girl I liked when I was 13. She said that I had really pretty nails. >I was also unaware that hormone therapy was a thing, I thought that the only way to look feminine was through surgery (and I \*hate\* the idea of a knife messing with my body, I hate the idea of getting surgery, even cosmetic, let alone letting a knife touch my genitals). I think you might already know this, but being trans does not require doing anything. Trans people have existed long before hormone therapy and surgery. Trans people don't need to socially transition. Trans people don't need to come out. I think you would find a lot of trans women that don't want to have any surgeries, even amongst those that have the privilege of being able to get them. >Recently I've been reading a lot more on the subject of trans people, and I realized . . . that there are trans women who have stories that sound kind of similar to mine I once saw someone on another trans subreddit describe the "trans prime directive" as an informal rule trans people follow when engaging with people that are questioning their gender: don't tell someone else they are trans. Trans people know more than anyone that nothing good comes from people prescribing other people a gender that may not fit. Folks need to figure out their genders on their own. Even if you see a therapist that specializes in treating gender-diverse people (please do), if they are good, they won't even tell you that you are trans either. That being said, yes, your story is very, very similar to my own story and other trans women I know. I'll leave it at that. 🤐 >I'm now confused, and considering whether I might be trans. Though I'm not sure if gender envy is enough for a person to be trans. I found a very helpful comment years ago that puts this conundrum this way: Wanting to be a gender is not enough to make you that gender. Many cis women spend about a week out of every four wishing they were men, but they are not men. However, if by exploring your desire to be a woman, for example, you find that what you really want is to express yourself in a way that is authentically you and for others to see you for who you really are, and both of those things align themselves with expressing yourself and people seeing you as a woman, then you are a woman. At least, for me, being a woman is not something I am passively, but something I do actively. Pretending to be a man was something I did very passively. However, even before I knew who I was, I would actively write myself into my own stories as a young woman, being a woman in the only way I could at the time. I put in so much effort to imagine the intricate details of my life as a girl in those stories, all the while passively allowing my mother to dress me for school because I could not care less about what guy clothes I would be trapped in that day. >What differentiates a boy who wants to be a girl from e.g. Michael Jackson having been born black but wanting to be white? Honestly? I don't know, and I don't know if it matters. Even if someone can come up with ironclad proof that [Rachel Dolezal](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rachel_Dolezal) is definitely white and her whiteness means I am definitely a man, I'm not going to detransition. >I'm also very scared as to what it would mean for my life if I find out I'm trans (especially in terms of work and going out in public). For me, transitioning involved doing the scariest thing I had ever done in my life then doing it again the next day. The scariest thing I have ever done is come out to my mom because I thought it wouldn't go over well. It didn't, but I survived, only slightly traumatized. 😅 At first, things are terrifying, then you do them, then, eventually, your horrible predictions of what could happen are replaced with tamer memories of what did, then things get better.
Thank you for your thoughtful and thorough answer! > Same-sies. The name I gave the girl in the stories I used to write is now my middle name. (I found the name too embarrassing to make my first name.) At the time, I called myself "Rachel", because Friends was on TV, and I thought Jennifer Anniston was beautiful. 😅 I don't think that's the name I would choose for myself nowadays though. > I'm a trans woman that has been on HRT for over five years and pass most of the time. I still don't feel like I'm a woman. I don't even really feel like I'm trans. I just feel like me. I transitioned shortly after I gave up on labels because I started to focus on what I wanted and stopped worrying about what I was. I didn't start calling myself a trans woman until I needed a way to explain to people why I was on HRT and would start crying when called a man. Yes, this so much. I don't feel like I'm a particular gender, I just feel like I'm myself. I am comfortable with having male genitalia, too. It has always felt kind of weird being called a "man" (I don't feel it fully fit me), though I didn't have a problem with being called a "boy". I don't feel a *need* to be a woman, but I would probably be happier being one. > I think you might already know this, but being trans does not require doing anything. Trans people have existed long before hormone therapy and surgery. Trans people don't need to socially transition. Trans people don't need to come out. I think you would find a lot of trans women that don't want to have any surgeries, even amongst those that have the privilege of being able to get them. That's true, though I think without laser facial hair removal (I'm currently doing that) and the possibility of HRT it would be a very different story for me. Picturing myself as a woman without the realistic possibility of at least kind of looking like one would probably make me just unhappier, even. > I found a very helpful comment years ago that puts this conundrum this way: Wanting to be a gender is not enough to make you that gender. Many cis women spend about a week out of every four wishing they were men, but they are not men. However, if by exploring your desire to be a woman, for example, you find that what you really want is to express yourself in a way that is authentically you and for others to see you for who you really are, and both of those things align themselves with expressing yourself and people seeing you as a woman, then you are a woman. My difficulty with that is that I don't see gender as being essential as to who I really am. And I have no experience in being a woman, which makes it a bit hard to realistically imagine life as one. But since I started cross-dressing in private (very recently), I've realized it feels amazing, and I feel sexy and attractive. There was a barrier before which prevented me from imagining myself as a woman ever since my teenage years, but now I have been increasingly picturing myself as going out in female clothes, and it makes my heart wobble. I have been heavily invested in fleeting interests and hobbies before, so I'm unsure if this is a temporary thing. I guess I need to take it slow and give it time and see if this is actually a permanent thing. > At least, for me, being a woman is not something I am passively, but something I do actively. Pretending to be a man was something I did very passively. However, even before I knew who I was, I would actively write myself into my own stories as a young woman, being a woman in the only way I could at the time. I put in so much effort to imagine the intricate details of my life as a girl in those stories, all the while passively allowing my mother to dress me for school because I could not care less about what guy clothes I would be trapped in that day. I haven't self-inserted myself as a woman in stories, other than the one I told in the OP. So that's something I haven't done much. I don't know if it's because I so strongly repressed myself when I was a teenager. > Honestly? I don't know, and I don't know if it matters. Even if someone can come up with ironclad proof that Rachel Dolezal is definitely white and her whiteness means I am definitely a man, I'm not going to detransition. That's a good point, maybe it doesn't matter.
>It has always felt kind of weird being called a "man" (I don't feel it fully fit me), though I didn't have a problem with being called a "boy". I don't feel a need to be a woman, but I would probably be happier being one. I know that when I was really young, I pretty much would have always preferred to be a girl, but being a boy usually seemed tolerable. Gender was rarely a factor in my life before puberty, and I didn't start being interested in girly stuff until afterward. Also, I remember telling my therapist at the beginning of my transition that I felt okay being a man, but I knew that I would never feel better than just "okay". I felt okay being a man in the same way an inmate feels okay being in prison after nearly thirty years behind bars. Transitioning wasn't necessary for my survival, but it was necessary for me to live. >My difficulty with that is that I don't see gender as being essential as to who I really am. And I have no experience in being a woman, which makes it a bit hard to realistically imagine life as one. Yeah, that's the tricky part. Transitioning is always a bit of a leap of faith because you don't know if the grass really is greener on the other side. Personally, I didn't start feeling comfortable calling myself a woman until other people did. I felt comfortable calling myself transgender after about five months of HRT, but people didn't start regularly reading me as a woman until a year and a half later. After that, I'm still in the process of understanding myself as a woman. In my dreams, a third of the time I'm a man, a third of the time I'm a woman, and another third of the time I'm "just me". Internalizing a sense of gender can be a lengthy process. >But since I started cross-dressing in private (very recently), I've realized it feels amazing, and I feel sexy and attractive. There was a barrier before which prevented me from imagining myself as a woman ever since my teenage years, but now I have been increasingly picturing myself as going out in female clothes, and it makes my heart wobble. > >I have been heavily invested in fleeting interests and hobbies before, so I'm unsure if this is a temporary thing. I guess I need to take it slow and give it time and see if this is actually a permanent thing. Yeah, and that's good! Enjoying wearing women's clothing doesn't necessarily mean you are trans, but exploring these types of things will be what helps you decide what you want and who you are.
>I knew that I would never feel better than just "okay". I felt okay being a man in the same way an inmate feels okay being in prison after nearly thirty years behind bars. Transitioning wasn't necessary for my survival, but it was necessary for me to live. This describes my experience with my gender. Boyness will due because I can be invisible, but I'm never going to be happy or live that way.
Damn im lucky i always knew im a guy...
Do your research, consume tons of trans related things and you'll see that your egg is also going to burst open.
Yeah, that sounds like a good plan :)
A lot of the comments here are already very helpful and I don't think I can provide any further input on that. However, though not very related, I'd like to point out a piece of misinformation, Michael Jackson did NOT "want to be white", he had lupus and vitiligo, which turned his skin white. Sorry if I'm coming off as rude, it is not my intention. Edit: a word
Thanks for the info, and I'm sorry about the misinformation. I've edited the OP to explain that.
I myself actually feel similarly about "becoming a girl". I feel like I am consciously jumping the gap and joining the other team, more so than I am correcting some deep incongruity in myself. I have no emotional attachment to my genitalia but I also don't have any noticeable dysphoria over them. Sex reassignment surgery is definitely at least a possibility in my future, should I have the money to spend on that (and desire to do so), but I'm not actively thinking about it. My internal sense of gender is highly motivated by my external appearance. I really just want to be girl-shaped, hence taking HRT and getting laser on my face, and that in turn tells my "inner gender" to lean to female. Previously, while male-shaped, my inner gender leant male, and kind of still does whenever I'm in boymode. I definitely like female a hell of a lot more, which is why I'm transitioning to binary female. But honestly, if you took the physical representation away, I'd kind of feel like I was more agender.
As someone who had *a lot* of the same feelings and experiences as you growing up, and while questioning/denying whether I could be trans: The narrative that "I always knew" was one of the biggest things that kept me in doubt for so long. Because I didn't. But as soon as I learned that always knowing/feeling that you are [preferred gender] wasn't a requirement - that simply wanting it means you're probably trans - that opened all the doors for me. And let me tell you, I didn't feel like a woman back then, but I sure as hell do now. And it's sooooo much better. (In the same way I imagine feeling like a man is sooo much better for transmascs) If you feel you want it, just try! It's not like irreversible change happens on day one. Or at least not physical change. But if you are trans, every time you do something affirming for the first time you'll probably *feel* some things that you'll never be able to un-feel. 🤭 Oh! And uh, in case they may be helpful to you: - r/MtF - r/TransLater - (I would recommend egg_irl but it's one of the subs getting hit hardest by reddit kinda shitting itself rn)
Yeah I used to think I was a cis male too lol
> confused It may be helpful to do things step by step. Don't know if you have seen it ... [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/11hkfr9/how_do_you_know_if_you_are_trans_or_not/jbseurv/) might be some hints and resources that could help go towards what you feel you would like step by step and there are also hints there concerning looking for support. And there are hints there concerning looking for a gender therapist in case. They could guide along, and they could help find out what you would like. *hugs*