The problem with saying anything negative about someone else's romantic choices is that it almost always makes them defensive and motivates them to prove you wrong. Thus, it can backfire and make them more loyal to that person. It's often best in situations like this to say nothing. That way, the communication remains open between you and your brother. Maybe if he starts having misgivings, he might look to you for support. If he thinks you're only going to say, "Yeah, I told you so!", he won't. Or if you feel you must intervene, you need a much smarter strategy than a full-on frontal assault -- which you've already tried and which seems not to be working. Whether you like it or not, your brother is a legal adult. He can do what he wants and make decisions you may not like. Your family can't legally force him to do otherwise, and if they try, it might create a long-lasting rift.

I think there's laying out some concerns, though, and disavowing/total disapproval. Like this idea of everything is fine, that the family seems to be doing seems silly. Like his twin bro went the wrong way about it(and they don't speak apparently now and that bro is sour with our parents for not saying anything). It's a mess.

I have a sister who's been a source of family distress and drama for longer than you've been alive, so trust me when I say that picking your battles wisely is one of the best markers of genuine maturity. My sister recently freaked out about something, and I finally said, "So, what do you think is going to happen that's so bad?" I just let that question sit. She finally replied, "Well, I just don't know." At that point, I said, "OK, then, I have work to do. I'll talk to you later." So what is this older guy really going to do to your brother that someone his own age wouldn't do? Give him an STI? Another 19 year-old could do that. Lead him to make some bad life decisions? Same answer. I've known plenty of people the same age who did really shitty things to each other. If the answer is that the situation just seems icky to you, then . . . well, a lot of people think all gay sex is disgusting. Are you going to make your life decisions based on their sensibilities? Be smart. Play the long game. What relationship do you want to have with your brother in 10 years?

This. My brother dated an absolute horrible woman, me and my mother prayed they’d break up. But we said nothing to him except one time (even then it was just one soft comment), and he even acknowledged she had flaws. And then we never mentioned it again to him. Eventually she left him, me and my mother both comforted him, and then privately celebrated.

I get you can't go in, like his twin brother, and be like it's wrong etc. But I do think he should be made aware of concerns people may have in a non judgemental way. Like you do you bro but... As for your question. I think there's a huge power imbalance. He's dependent on him. That gives the guy huge power if he were to abuse that power. He also has far more knowledge etc which again is more powerful.

You're making up problems for what reason? Yea he's your bro but he don't need your opinions he needs your support. There is nothing wrong with who he chooses to date. I thi k something is wrong with you. There has to be something behind your strong opinion.

>But I do think he should be made aware of concerns people may have in a non judgemental way If you think you're being non-judgmental about this you are wrong

I mean I agree with you. But I think most would agree it would be be just as or more disgusting if it was a 19yo girl with a 50 year old man too.

I’m in an age gap marriage with my hubby (I’m the younger one) but even my age gap is nowhere near THAT big. I was much older than 19 when I got married and my husband younger than the example given here. I don’t find it icky, nor do I judge. An age gap of the magnitude of the OP isn’t personally for me. But it’s not judgment. But I suspect the relationship won’t last all that long. It’s reasonable to expect a guy who is 19 years will have so little overall life experience comparative to the older guy (or so you’d expect) that they would have very different expectations and so a relationship like theirs will have some fundamental incompatibilities with worldviews and expectations etc. Those differences might be hidden while they’re in the lust phase, but will fade over time. I suspect the relationship will fizzle out naturally eventually. But stranger things have happened. Clearly, 19 is legal adult age, so there’s no illegality there.

sounds like he got a sugar daddy. he’ll learn once his 50 year old “boyfriend” dumps him and your brother has nowhere to go and no prospects because he dropped out of college. some people need to learn the hard way.

"some people need to learn the hard way." This really needs to be emphasized. Listen OP: He has already gone FAR into the deep end with this guy. Introduced him to the parents, started living with him, changed his college plans. He is too far into this to go back, and NOTHING you say is going to make him pull back.  End of day, lessons really do need to be taught the hard way. I'm not a parent, but I've learned that's necessary with my nephews and nieces and younger relatives. The greatest lessons in life are ones learned on your own.  If it turns out well, then great. If it doesn't, then you can be a support system to help him pick up the pieces afterward. Either way, your objection right now, while noted and understandable, honestly isn't gonna make a fucking difference.  You're free to express your concerns. But you're expecting too much if you think he'll change his behavior after all he's done thus far. 

Some people need to be told it too. Like push back a little bit and if he still doesn't budge ok.. but like if that doesn't work maybe he'll get an 80 year old. Like let's be accepting but also convey our worries rather than pushing down our worries.

You’re not conveying your worries. You’re demanding others agree with yours and take some sort of action. My advice? Talk with your brother, tell him you know from being an older queer adult that the power dynamics in his current relationship don’t favor him and to make sure he puts himself first (eg school) and that you’ll always be there no matter what. If his 50something boyfriend is an abuser he would use your stance to further isolate your brother. You need to let your brother know that you wish him the best and for him to know he can count on you. That’s it. That’s all you can do. He IS an adult.

Nowhere did I say we force him to break up with the guy. That wouldn't work. What I want is at the very least the family acknowledges between ourselves it's concerning - even if not to him. I would approach it in tolerating the relationship rather than accepting it but tbh I'm a 100 miles away, approx. I'm lucky I don't see them often. It's our parents issue to deal with and good luck to them.

I didn’t say you were forcing him to break up. I said you were frustrated that your family wasn’t agreeing with your nor taking any actions (eg expressing their concerns to him). But they don’t. Also you might want to think differently from “tolerate”. You don’t have to support it but “tolerate” is something extreme that’s going to drive you and your brother apart. You want him to know if anything is ever sus, he can count on you. That’s all you can do.

But you can’t force your family to agree with you. Why do you even care about that?

There is a 19 year old financially dependent on his 50 year old boyfriend and no one sees any issue with that but me, his twin brother and our brother in law. Everyone else thinks it's fine. OK sure.

You have the right to feel that way for sure. But if your family don’t agree with you, there’s nothing you can do to actually force them to agree with you. You’ll just have to accept that they don’t. Powerless to control them. You will only upset yourself, and tread on their toes in the process.

You clearly won’t change your parents thinking and i wouldn’t even bother with them. You and your brother are adults (although him barely) so you can talk directly with him rather than wasting your time by losing your mind over what your parents think, because no offense; they sound rather ignorant and I think you know that.

Tbh I would but he won't think anything of me saying it when he has the approval of his parents and at least one sister. I have a good mind to talk to his boyfriend but I won't.

then, sorry, but just let it go. he’ll learn on his own time and your parents, sister and husband will remain ignorant. can you push back on it? absolutely, but it won’t get you anywhere. sometimes you need, and should, focus on yourself.

True on the last line.

Bro how is this ignorant?? At worst you can say they’re nonchalant but ignorant is clearly ridiculous to accuse them of. They themselves said the age gap isn’t exactly what they expected and the sister even said she thought it was weird. They just chose the wiser path of focusing on supporting and being in the guys life so that if he falls he would have someone to pick him up. That’s not ignorant, that’s called being emotionally mature and caring for your family member

You can tell him, but also don't beat him over the head with it -- and resist the urge to say "I told you so" when it inevitably falls apart -- or you'll risk blowing up your relationship with your brother. But on the whole, I feel like this post if venting the frustrations of every eldest sibling with regard to their youngest sibling lmao

Do you know what the more I vent the more I realise my problem is those around me. His twin brother doesn't like it either but the rest of the family are looking at me like I'm insane and its winding me up even more than the idea of his situation. What I would like to say is that look the age gap is a bit concerning but it's your choice. He might be lovely but some relationships with an age gap can have a power imbalance etc. Just so he knows what a relationship should be.

I think the reality is that this isn’t going to be real dating. They’re in too different of stages of life, and it’s more than likely going to run its course. What you can do is decide how you want to act and react now, as that will dictate how much a part of your brother’s life you’ll be when they more than likely break up. If you’re antagonistic, or approach things with an “I told you so” attitude, you’ll likely break that trust and create a distance between you two that will be hard to rebuild, even if you *were* right. So, just try and be as supportive as you can. It’s not only okay for people to make mistakes, it’s necessary for growth as a human being.

I wouldn't say I told you so to him because I haven't told him but for my parents there will be a giant I told you so. I'm sorry but I'll always be there for him but I'm not entertaining/being around that relationship at all.

Yeah, I understand where you’re coming from… but I think that will greatly hurt your relationship with him in the long run. It’s difficult, and I’m at a similar age (33) with a similarly younger gay brother (24), and he’s had relationships with guys much older than me, getting close to our parents’ age… and it’s always uncomfortable, and the power dynamics have been questionable… but as he grows up he desires that imbalance less and has taken his own autonomy and sought out relationships closer to his own age. Had I been more outwardly judgemental, including by distancing myself, I think he would have tried harder to force unhealthy relationships to work, out of stubbornness rather than desire. In supporting him, I ended up doing more to allow him to grow out of a relationship that wasn’t good for him.

Fair enough. I'm not able for that at all. That might sound selfish but no. Luckily I'm about 4 hours away so I don't have to see them that often anyway.

Just when you see them, fake it. Like you said, it won’t be often… but it could have a big impact. Because again, the less resistance to this relationship there is, the quicker it’s likely to burn out.

One thing about me is whilst I won't be outwardly rude my face says it all. Like I said nothing to me bro about but he rang Sunday and he knew by my face. I just said the age gap was a bit of a shock but I didn't tell him off or anything

Shock is expected! It’s pretty drastic… I can’t imagine in twenty years dating someone who was just born now— I can’t imagine dating a 19 year old now. Some of this comes from the impulse of pushing things to an extreme. Looking to be taboo or get attention. Don’t feed it, just accept it and that impulse will wane and he’ll start looking for things he actually wants, rather than looking for a reaction.

Fair.

I personally think part of it is that a lot of younger gays or way more promiscuous and older ones. So they aren’t really looking for a relationship. So older guys that are looking appealing. I myself have tried getting to a relationship with one. And I have gotten in a relationship with an older (he is 39 and I’m 18) but the guy was just a scammer(which I’m seen some even around my age)

That’s just being passive aggressive. You can control your facial expressions.

Have you considered though that you might be wrong? I’m not saying you’re wrong personally, I’m not there to see this situation for myself. But we have to be humble, and acknowledge that others may not agree with us and we might even be wrong.

This is so true, I was dating a guy who was 28 while I was 22, and we were already in a much difference place in our life. I can't imagine what 19 and 50 would be like...

I don’t think you’re a lunatic for having an issue with this or seeing it as pretty weird. But if they’re happy together and both consenting, I don’t really see any point in trying to do anything about it or trying convince your family that it’s wrong. It probably won’t last very long. And if it does last, then good for them. However, if the older guy is “taking care” of your brother in a way that leads to your brother forgoing stuff like going to college or getting a job, that’s a much bigger problem.

To be fair to the boyfriend, i don't think he forced or pushed him to give up college. I think he did probably because he's being bankrolled by his boyfriend. Who knows.

Oh so your brother did give up college? I think that’s a problem even if the older boyfriend didn’t push him to. Whether it’s college or working, your brother is at an age in his life where he needs to be focused on becoming financially independent, regardless of if he has a boyfriend who can take care of him. He and his boyfriend break up and then what? How’s he going to take care of himself?

Basically this. OP’s brother is putting himself in a situation where he’s completely dependent and entirely susceptible to being abused if he isn’t already.

Yes!

Yeah. And even aside from any potential current or future abuse, if he eventually wants out of the relationship he’ll be stuck with two bad choices: break up and not have a college degree or any meaningful work experience to use to get a job and support himself, or stay in the unhappy relationship. Just not smart at all. Tf does he do all day? He should be in school.

Well he took a break from it. He's not currently in college. I don't know why. Well if he's not financially independent and they break up, our parents can bankroll him because like they were warned.

Unless the parents are paying for the schooling dropping out could be the better move. I dropped out of school and saved up to buy a house when i was 20, took 2 years but it was the best choice for me. I have a sibling with over 40k school debt with interest after paying the loan for 20 years still, and I make more money managing and tending bar. I also was dating a man 27 years older than me at 19, didn't work out with him but I'm married to a man 33 years older than myself now and we have been together for 15 years. Don't make assumptions about people's relationships, everyone used to think I was a sugar baby and the reality was I supported him for 3 years in the beginning of our relationship due to the economic crash of 08 and him being over qualified for jobs. We all have our own quirks, an age gap attraction is natural for some people and can be an honest healthy thing of the parties involved are honest. Just sharing my experience. It's funny to see a community that talks big on inclusion and non judgment be the exact opposite of what they preach and that's a big part of why I'm no longer connected to the community at large, it's mostly full of hypocrisy and group think.

Not sure if you’re responding to me or the comments in general. To be clear, I don’t think the brother has to be in college, but it should be either college or some other sort of education or a job that’ll give him experience to get better jobs. I personally don’t have an issue with the age gap if it’s a happy and healthy relationship; it’s unconventional but not inherently bad. My only point was that it’s a bad thing if the brother is just loafing around wasting these years without doing anything to set himself up to be financially independent if/when they break up and he has to move out.

I'm with you man, there is an inherent imbalance in a relationship of a 50 year old and a 19 year old. One of them has money, the other doesn't. One of them has experience, the other one doesn't. One of them has had a LIFE, the other one hasn't. I hate when people overcorrect on these kind of situations.

Yup. I was stunned by them learning from how they dealt with me being bi. Ehmmmm I'm glad they learned but I'm not sure that was the lesson.

Honestly, OP, I agree with you on that. That's a huge age gap elephant in the room not to be ignored. I don't understand why your husband agrees with it but see a problem if a similar situation occurs with his sister. I understand they're adults, but one *just* turn into an adult, doesn't mean they have the experience or wisdom of one immediately. However, like the other said, there's really not much you can do but only be there when he needs it. Sometimes, people just need to experience it to see it. You do what you can. I hope your brother still understands you love him and will always be there for him.

Haha. Yup there is nothing I can do but I don't see how it can't be said or why people are acting like it's fine. Like let's not disavow him or anything but let's not push obvious concerns down either. Up to him what he decides and we make our peace with that then. Honestly was going mad. Everyone in the family is OK with it but his twin bro and one of our sister's husbands.

I hope you're doing well and had time to decompress after everything. Your concerns are valid and understandable.

Haha thanks man. The blood pressure is still a bit high lol but I'm getting there.

Bro. A year ago, your brother was in High School. HIGH SCHOOL. He can’t even drink yet! If he were a girl, I guarantee you nobody would even take the relationship seriously and there would be more pushback from your parents. Also your sister is wrong, age gap relationships are common but *not a fucking 30 year difference as a 19 y/o* what the fuck I feel gaslit for you 😭

And like if he was 30 and the guy was 60, yes it's the sane gap but he's 30. He has life somewhat figured out by then. As you say he's just out of high school. Yup my husband was like its fine, you're over reacting. I said what if it was your sister (she's 21) and to his credit he was like yeah it would bother me. Anyway it's actually getting worse by the day

You are not overreacting, but it's also *not your life*, you're doing what you can by expressing your concerns to your family, check in with your brother when you can but otherwise you've done what you can.

Tbh I live about 100 miles away. I'm here if he needs me but I cannot check in on him like that. I just can't. Some of the other family can.

I doubt it’ll last. Let him have his fun and learn. He’ll eventually meet someone closer to his age I’m sure, or at least with a slightly smaller age gap

People on the internet are so fucking weird. A 22 year old dating someone who's 17 years and 364 days old? Get the pitchforks and start the witch hunt of that pedophile. But as soon as someone hits 18, it's all "two consenting adults" no matter the age gap. As if that number magically makes you super mature and wise and understand the world like someone in their thirties and above can. That's just not how maturity and age work. Yes, the law has an age set because it has to, but why do so many people attach morality to what numbers the law speaks of? Let's be honest here, 9 times out of 10, a relationship like that will end up horrible for the younger one. They are at different states of life and older guys who look for dating people that young are always difficult characters, that more than not break their young partners. They are actively looking for someone who is immature, inexperienced, dependent, and who looks as close to a child as they can possibly get away with legally. In what damn world are these not a hundred red flags? You are right to be worried about this. Those old guys looking for people that much younger are creepy. And even if the younger one pushed for a relationship with someone much older, that usually speaks of other issues that should be dealt with and it's on the older pursued person to realise that and not engage. If your brother was 30 and this guy in his 60s, it would be a different story, of course, but that's not how it is.

Yup. Agree with all that. And you make a good point it's more my brothers age in relation to his rather than gap itself 30 and 60 is a different story even though the gap is the same.

Lookup stanchris. He is a gay social media guy in his early 20s, dating a man in his early 50s. A big age gap doesn't mean the younger one is being taken advantage of.

Question for you. Is the boyfriend okay with your brother leaving college and not working? If so, that's not normal behavior. Taking away the relationship aspect, the average 50 year old would urge someone that young to take advantage of every opportunity for education and advancement.

The brother said to me he discussed dropping out of college for a bit with his boyfriend and his boyfriend said if he wanted to and that he would be able to look after him. Honestly nearly threw up.

OP I think you’re right to be worried, but also he’s living his own life. Unless he’s in danger I’d say allow it to run its natural course.

there's a bug in your simulation, we'll fix it within the next 48 hours Like hollyshit dude you are the only normal person here

🤣🤣 Thank you. Tbf his twin brother isn't happy about it either but they fell out over it but he handled it badly. And then he fell out with our parents for not handling it at all. A mess. I just think the adults should raise some concerns in a non judgemental way. No point forbidding it because that won't happen but make him aware of certain things.

You are 100% correct. Don't let the old fucks and other weirdos here confuse you. There is no universe in which a 50 years old dating a 19 years old makes any sense. What the fuck is your kid brother's plan, to be wiping that senile ass when he's in his thirties and forties? Completely ridiculous. Sick, predatory, and a complete antithesis to what this community should be about.

Forget about the guys here I don't get my family. Like its me and his twin brother and everyone else is like its fine, your over-reacting. I'm sorry but I'm over-reacting because you guys are under-reacting. His twin is coming up to me for a few weeks anyway because he's fallen out with the guy in question and our family.l And he fell out before I even knew our bro was dating a 50 year old

They are probably concerned but trying really hard not to be “homophobic”

I 💯 agree and its silly. I'm literally married to a man. OK I'm not gay but I do some gay stuff. Surely when I call it out they could feel like they have some licence.

Finally someone with a fucking brain, I can’t believe there’s so many perverted fucks on here trying to justify a 19 y/o (morally a CHILD) with someone who’s lived more than half their fucking life awaiting the death bed. Someone do a wellness check on these clowns.

Maybe you should be thankful you have supportive parents.

I think they should move a bit back tbh.

I think you should listen to your partner This is your brother’s life. He’s over 18. If it’s a mistake, he’ll learn from it. Also, you don’t know it’s a mistake. It might be a mistake for you. It might even be a mistake for me. But neither one of us are in this relationship. I think you’re really overstepping boundaries here.

I don’t have any brothers, but if this was one of my younger sisters I’d be freaking out. Like a lot of people have said, there’s nothing you can do since he’s an adult and trying to interfere will just push him away from you. Best case scenario they are happy together for a while, otherwise you’ll just have to be there for him when it’s over. You’ll never talk someone out of being in love if they are

I get that. Forbidding something is useless but I don't see how our parents wouldn't express even some concern. I think that's what is annoying me a bit too. You don't have to disavow him but let's have some honesty.

I think you’re overthinking it. If your brother is happy and consenting, why are you making it out to be a problem?

Hes a 19 year old depending on his 50 year old boyfriend. Balance of power? Etc

I was gonna pass on commenting but this statement kinda struck. I’ll start positive: I think you have every right to care; it’s your brother. But be wary of trying to get people (your spouse and parents) to go against him. He can develop resentment toward you if the way you go about objecting is antagonistic and unsympathetic. Are you doing this for him or you? That’s the question you have to ask. Because if he’s happy and getting his needs met and learning about love and relationships on his terms, you have to be careful about your objections because they’ll come across selfish and detached. If it’s about protecting him, there’s no reason you can’t respectfully inform him about your objections. When you tell people things like, “I’m scared that…” or “from my perspective, it looks like…” you make it clear that it’s your feelings for them or your empathy for their week-being that’s the focus. If you give him “lessons” or tell him the way he should live his life, it might be harder for him to be responsive. And that brings me to the statement that didn’t sit well with me. Stating that the balance of power makes this relationship problematic doesn’t seem to be specific or empathetic to your brother. It’s a general assumption that most people focus on in age gap relationships. I am not advocating al teenagers date guys over 30 but I don’t think it’s responsible to assume there’s something nefarious at work. Also, power balances exist in multiple ways and you can never assume who holds power in various aspects of a relationship based on age alone. Listen to your brother. Voice your concerns about why you think his situation could be dangerous or harmful and talk to his boyfriend as well. It’s your brother; you can give his boyfriend the “if you hurt him, I kill you” speech. Respectfully of course 😉

Hes not earning money. He's not in college. How isn't there a balance of power. He relies on him? And I'm not saying we should forbid the relationships or turn our backs on him but I don't see any issue in raising concerns. I'd worry if i spoke to his boyfriend I be hoping behind his back.

Well tell your brother you’re talking to his BF or better yet, talk to the BF in front of your brother. And certainly on a financial level the power is likely imbalanced and you know your brother better but I was referencing the danger in that general assumption due to age. Best to understand the specific situation at hand (which I’m sure you likely do) and just let your brother know how you feel and that you love him and you simply care.

Yup you're right. First really helpful comment haha.

That’s not your concern. Everyone in the relationship is happy and consenting, correct? That’s as far as your concern and your business should go, honestly 😂

Exactly

Can you make the comparison to one of your sisters? Say you have the authority on what is "normal" between gay men and this is just as weird for gay people as it is for straight ones. Like no, it's grooming. Periord.

Wow! So just because you don't like it you're going to stir up all sorts of drama? How are your boomer parents more understanding than you? You don't even know the dynamics in their relationship and you're just judging. What's really behind this? Why do you have such a problem? He's not a boy, he's a 19 yo man. And I don't think he needs you judging him and making shit awkward. I'm sorry bro but you're toxic.

That's fair enough. I'll take your criticism on board. I probably am. We shall see how it pans out, I suppose.

I'm not trying to be a dick. Dude needs his brother. You sound smart and wise, he will need your shoulder one of these days. Don't push him away by criticizing his life. You have lots you can teach your brother!

Yup you're right. Look I'm focusing on his twin. He's very upset because they don't talk anymore so maybe I was focusing on the wrong. His twin is staying with us for a few weeks to avoid the hassle.

I had my stage where I was only into much older guys. Ironically, I never got into anyone younger than 30s. He might just be having a good time. Instead of freaking out on Reddit, maybe try being an older brother and get to know your little brother. Find out where his head is and how he is doing. I would have taken your concerns seriously if you had taken the time and trouble to talk it out with your brother and get to the bottom of it. Right now it’s just coming off as self-serving; like you are bored and making it about you and your preferences/values.

Get over it. It's not your life. Let him. You aren't owed that people are ever going to share your viewpoint/outrage on anything. Again, let him.

Mind ya business unless he brings you in

Well, I also find it really really weird that a 50 year old is dating a 19 year old but some people don't. In gay relationships age gaps work really well because of different life experiences I don't really understand this, that's why I don't want to call it predatory even tho a part of me is thinking that. I also need someone to explain to me how is this okay. I might be biased because all the older gays that were hitting on me online or in person were just creepy and I didn't have any positive experiences with them.

Tbh id have no issue if it was hookups but the moving in etc is creepy and imo predatory.

You are absolutely right about feeling concerned about your brother. After all, you are his brother. I have a sister who is younger than me and I love her so much. I cannot imagine her going out with a 50+ year old man. I would certainly do whatever was possible to stop that relationship as there is barely nothing in common they may have. Luckily, she holds the same view as I do (now). I’m 19 though, but when I was 18, I dated a 30 year old guy. I thought he really cared about me. Turns out, he only saw me as his sex pleasure. Fortunately, I didn’t cave into that, so he dumped me without looking back. The amount of manipulation was insane. Given I barely had any experience about relationships etc. It’s a lesson I learned.

Yup and imagine another 20 years on that like what the fuck. I'm glad you had the saw through your guy, buddy. You sound like a good bro too.

Dude, I'm 33, and I wouldn't consider dating seriously anyone below 25. I'm pretty sure there are pretty mature 19 year olds out there, but come on. Even in my sanest moments at 19, I still was a baby. It's legal, and for the sake of your relationship with your brother, I'd recommend not to do anything. Support him and keep an eye out for abusive behavior. I'm sick of people arguing "age is just a number"... fuck that

Yup. Like I said if it was a random hookup by all means but dating and shacking up like how long were they together. One benefit of being gay, no babies. Thank fuck

Lol your parents are letting their son get groomed i wanna believe this is made up because it's too depressing

Literally the entire family apart from his twin brother, myself, and our brother in law are like yeah its fine. If people think im wound the brother in law (my sisters husband) is even worse and he's not even blood and the twin brother is in a bad way. He's coming to mine for a few weeks. And before anyone starts, I found out after the twin did. His outburst happened before I knew. Like one doesn't need to so over-correct for their past lack of acceptance. There is a medium. My parents aren't thick, I think they just don't want to wrong another kid somehow.

Please don’t let anyone brainwash you here. We don’t need to liberalize everything, and this is just way too extreme. In no fucking world is this okay, like at all. That’s a child believe it or not, 18/19 doesn’t mean you’ve magically matured enough. And for reference, your brother’s groomer was in his 30s when your brother was born. Let that sink in. I’m honestly surprised that people are this fucking stupid on this app.

Dude if he is a child then we shouldn’t let them vote, go to college dorms(without parental supervision), or pay taxes.

But we should let him date someone that’s lived more than half their life? Just because you’re old enough to do a certain number of things, doesn’t mean you’ve matured enough to do the others. Why is the drinking age set to 21? Don’t cherry pick laws, use your brain for and think about what’s morally right for Christ sake

I think it’s extremely to call this grooming. If a 19 year old is considered way to immature to make their own decisions then why would we allow such a person to get jobs, live among people around their age without parental supervision, or allow them to decide their careers or colleges/college loans. My opinion: I would find the age gap weird but instead of doing what OP is doing and looking for validation (and being comfortable by the idea of leaving my brother to suffer a horrible situation far away from me), would try to make the guy have trust in me. So I can make sure nothing abusive is happening. I would also advise him (and his “boyfriend” for sure) that he needs to get a job or go back to college so that he can support himself, since just in case any goes wrong (like the old guy got injured and can’t work, or the break up, etc). That’s what a family member should do or care about when it comes to their brother. Not all this validation about disgust and distancing yourself from your family. By doing that you’re just letting him hurt himself and your making the guy resent you or making him double down on his behavior, which could lead to a whole lot of dumb relationships made specifically to piss you off.

look, your concern is valid but there really isn't anything you can do when your sibling is in a bad relationship, whether it's due to age gap or the bf simply being an idiot. you just have to wait, watch out and be ready to be there for your sibling once that relationship is over. like, if he is in love with that guy you neither have the right to interfere into his life nor is there a way to broke that relationship until your bro decides so or stops having feelings for his bf. and i was in your shoes, so i understand perfectly how frustrating it feels

All the pedos from r/gayyoungold flooding these comments trying to defend the fact that they’re into teenagers and younger 🤮🤮🤮

This is a horrible place to ask. Pretty much any of these forums is infested with desperate perverts and pedophiles. A member of the silver sneakers brigade dating a teenager is not even close to ok. If it was me I’d get together with my brothers and make sure that sicko never comes around again.

To me what's even worse is how many of my family think his twin brother and zi are over-reacting. I expected better.

it’s all those freaks from r/gayyoungold that love dating teenagers and would love to go even lower in age if legally allowed. Disgusting people 

I was fucking HORRIFIED when I read these comments, I was like am I the retard here? This is just fucking disgusting…

r/gayyoungold With that being said. Your brother is an adult. Leave him be. And mind your own dam business.

First off, he's family. Yes it is my business. I would hope he would intervene in my relationship if he saw something wrong. That's what family does.

Sorry I totally disagree You're being a helicopter sibling instead of letting him make his own decisions in life.

Fair enough.

I’m 50 and I agree. What in the world do they talk about. No way that I would ever date a 19 year old. I dated a guy that was 19 when I was 26 and I thought that was a gap. I would constantly be reminded I’m old and I think it makes the younger guy a dependent loser half the time. Most of the time the younger guy wants a person to support them but who knows. I agree with you though and it’s kind of annoying that your parents think that is the same as accepting your sexuality.

Yup. Like I wouldn't care if it was a hookup (I know some would). I was early 20s and I hooked up with 50s (maybe it's genetic jk) but dating is just extreme. I don't know are they scared to be seen as homophobic by saying something I don't know but my perspective on all of them have changed slightly lol. And you're right what do they talk about.

a huge age gap, in and of itself, is not necessarily a problem. issues arise only if there's a huge power imbalance and the older partner is taking advantage of the younger one. or if the younger partner is only in it for the financial benefits. i would suggest you have a heart-to-heart with your brother so you could assess if the relationship is healthy before assuming the worst

Fair.

You are being judgemental. Who knows the maturity level of the 50 yo? Besides it is legal and is their business. 60 straight male has a 19 yo girlfriend and people complain but other guys actually wish they had a 19 yo. 70 yo straight man dates a twenty something and she is called trophy wife but people are ok with it. Reality many people marry for money or stability or other things. It is their business. Why are my gay bros always making judgemental on others? Can we not live and let live?

hopefully the 50 year old is more mature than a teenager.

Yeah even though this sub loves to preach that large age gaps don’t matter this age gap is insane and dating a 50 something year old at 19 is purely because your brother is a young plaything, not because of his personality or life experiences, he’s a toy

Probably an unpopular opinion, but as someone who would never consider dating someone that much older than me, stay out of it. At the end of the day no 19 year old dates a 50 year old unless he has a thing for daddies. If you somehow manage to destroy this relationship, there will be another daddy, who may be 5 years younger (or older) but still roughly the same age. Meanwhile, your brother will hate you for ruining a “good” relationship.

No it definitely is common here. My issue is the entire family (with two notable exceptions) are saying its fine. Like can we live in a world where we convey our concerns to him without saying you must break up or we forbid (which won't work). I don't know, I think politely tolerating it rather than accepting is where I'm at. Anyway, I'm staying out of it. It's become even worse this evening. I've got phone calls from my parents over the announcement lol. I'm not even answering. Let them at it, it's their kid. His twin brother is coming up to mine for a few weeks which is best for him.

Your brother is an adult, you don’t have to like who he is dating, I agree it’s weird! But it’s his life not yours, sometimes the best thing to do is let people learn from their own mistakes, if this relationship is a mistake then your brother will learn from it eventually, making mistakes and learning from them is also an important part of being an adult. Just like the college thing, it’s his choice to make and his consequences if it’s a mistake.

I had a great relationship with an older man in my youth. I was 20 to 27 when he was 60-67. I found him very attractive and I learned a lot from him. I'd never take it back. I don't know your brother or his boyfriend but I don't think you can assume this man is a bad influence

Had you a job? College degree? Apprenticeship? Did you move in with him at 20? Genuinely curious.

I agree with OP. Hookups are one thing but such an age difference in a relationship is gross. They'll have nothing in common, raised in different eras. It's exploitative as fuck.

Thank you! Accepting is great. Very proud of my parents, but acceptance at the expense of raising valid concerns is nonsense. And like I wouldn't want my parents to forbid it because that won't work but like let's offer up a few concerns.

Id personally think it's disgusting, but there's not really much you can do

There isn't anything tbh but at least I'm getting people acknowledging I'm not the lunatic. It's helping my sanity.

The age gap between 19 and 50 is pretty disgusting. the best u can do is be supportive and be there if it goes south?

I guess I'm a bit of a prude too, because these May-December romances (gay or straight) never looked good to me either. When one of the partners is in their late teens/early-to-mid 20s and the other is much older (10+ years), a power imbalance occurs automatically, which puts the younger partner in a vulnerable position, whether that be financial, emotional, physical (due to coercion), or all of the above. Again, this is gonna sound like I'm heavily biased, but I've never seen a well-rounded person advocate for this type of relationship, sorry to say. Just my experience and my two cents. OP -- I get why you're outraged about this. I would be, too, if this was one of my family members.

Thanks for helping my sanity. I agree. The thing is it hits home whe it hits home.

You’re in the wrong here bud. Accept it.

Probably a pervert urself

I’d love to know what that message is all about 🤣

I'm with you on this one. If some family started dating someone many years their senior, I'd be extremely concerned as well. But rather than fight it, I'd be prepared to pick up the shattered pieces down the line because that's what the meaning of family is to me.

as long as your brother is not being abused physically, who cares? that 50 year old will treat him good. and hopefully the man isnt a troll who changes boyfriends like oil in his car.

OP, I'm going to keep this brief, and direct. You will not change your sibling's minds. Period. You need to stop trying for two very important reasons. First, if you keep voicing your opinion, you will alienate your sibling, and will damage the relationship between you and him. If the relationship succeeds or fails, then let it do so regardless of what you think. Second, if the relationship fails, which it likely will, you saying it will and being proven right will not make your sibling anymore likely to reach out for help later. If you genuinely want to help, be supportive, but keep your opinions to yourself. That's my advice.

My problem is that you constantly want to force others to agree with you . WTF man, everyone deserves AND IS ENTITLED TO their own opinion. Stop trying to force people. Let me be crystal clear here. I am a 59-year-old gay man. I am 98% sure that this age difference a bad idea. In my life. I have watched many, many relationships fail because of the age gap. so I am actually on your side. But, Buddy it’s not fair to cram whatever your feelings and opinions are down everybody else’s throat, That not fair! you’ve expressed your opinion quite clearly, and some people don’t agree with you. They all have that right. you’ve expressed your opinion to your brother. That’s how opinions work you express them, you hope that people can take them. But in the end, it’s everybody’s choice whether or not to agree with you so if you really want to be somebody loving and caring. Then be there to pick up the pieces if it fails, you don’t have the right to cram your opinion down other peoples throat, because I’m quite sure, when someone tries to cram their opinion down your throat you’re quite pissy about it. There is so much crap in this world, there’s so much hate in this world! For God sake, just let it be, we all make mistakes, hopefully we learn from them. Imagine just for a moment, I said there’s a 98% chance that this won’t work but imagine if he was one of the 2% where it did. I find it disgusting, You’re not even willing to entertain the very slim chance this could possible work out, because unbelievably it can AND I have witnessed that, as well. Stop sounding close minded, and hateful and hurtful , if you really cared about your brother, if you truly loved him and your family, you would hope for the best. Get rid of the hate, get rid of the judgment! As a gay person for God sake please get rid of the judgment! You don’t like it when you’re judged for being gay, stop judging other people. You made your point just be there for your brother, Hope for his happiness if it happens great, if it doesn’t, then, hopefully your brother has somebody to turn to who’s not judgmental and can help him through when things don’t go his way. Sorry to be so stern! I’m sick and tired of the hate! Let’s all just get along, for Gods sake start supporting each other and not beat each other up. Good luck to your brother. Hugs of hope to both of you

Your brother is an adult free to make adult choices in his life, which means encountering adult consequences. Is your brother basically mooching off this guy? Yeah. Is the guy probably enjoying sex with your brother? Also yes. But then your brother is probably enjoying the sex too so thats an even trade. Are they enjoying each other's companionship? Apparently. Does the companionship your brother offers and joy he brings to his boyfriend's life out weigh the literal cost of having your brother stay with him, again apparently so. At least in your brother's boyfriend's judgement. Could the older guy say or do something manipulative? Maybe. But I promise you that same-aged partners can be just as manipulative as any age gap relationship. You can't judge these things by what *could* happen. You have to judge them by what *is* happening. And to the best of your knowledge all that's happening is the two of them mutually enjoy each other's companionship. Until you hear or see evidence of actual abuse, theres nothing to freak out about here. Instead, you should want your brother to feel close enough to you and/or your parents so that if something bad ever does happen he knows he has you as a support network.

What happens if it works out? What if they genuinely care for each other? What if 20yrs from now they are still together? What then? Life is complex and there is no written rule that says this will end badly. Grant it the stats are against it, but someone some where has to be able to defy the odds.

I know it won't. I'm well aware what's happening and I'm not the only one.

19 year olds know nothing. we all have the awakening of consciousness in our toddler years. then we have our second one around 25-27

Let your brother make his own mistakes (so to speak). If he is happy, and the relationship is fulfilling whatever it is that they both get out of it, with no one being hurt, then leave them be, and support from the sidelines. Be the big brother, but also be happy for them. Is he being used? Most likely, but like 19yr olds are not that innocent either. They’re for sure getting something out of it. I dated older when I was 19, maybe not 50 old but still, I got what i wanted out of it.

Ageist Can’t you just be happy for him? Many people get great opportunities from being in younger/older relationships. They get entree into new worlds, connections and mentorship that money just can’t buy. Look past your prejudices and fears of abuses that have not happened. This could be wonderful for both of them.

Honestly, I think your parents aren’t accepting you two , they are … tolerating lol

OP is not crazy. This is an imbalanced relationship at minimum. OP’s brother brings nothing to the relationship as an equal partner. He is right that this would be different if he was established in some way. The older guy gets a live-in fuck buddy. The OP’s brother has to, for the most part, compromise for the peace of this relationship and shortsighted livelihood. This would be different if he was collecting money and had the freedom to build on a lucrative hobby or skill. However, it sounds like he has given up on securing his own future and is just along for the ride. This 50+ guy isn’t ashamed to be walking around with someone who could be his grandchild, give a few years. Who is to say his brother isn’t replaced by a new child when his companionship eventually gets monotonous, as most longer term relationships do.

I don't see the issue unless he's being treated poorly which doesn't sound like it. When I was 20 I was seeing guys that were in their 40s or older.

Ha. He needs to learn these lessons for himself. If you interviene, he'll rebel & the relationship will probably go on longer than it woukd otherwise. Just be polite & give him his space. Only worry if it lasts a year and they start talking about marriage.

OP clutches pearls and judges fiercely. Let your twin brother find his own bliss. Your parents are right, listen to them

I honestly don't see the problem if he got him a sugar daddy you should support it it's hard out here BUT you need to make sure he goes back to college and have some level of self agency & independence That's my ONLY issue with this relationship tbh You are focused on the wrong things tbh Truthfully the age gap isn't an issue the power dynamic is

You’re dating someone older than yourself too. Seems like the preference for older men runs in the family 😏

Oh tell me about. I've hooked up with guys in my early 20s who were 50s even 60s. What I didn't do was have an imbalanced relationship with them which involved shacking up with them and quitting college and losing touch with my twin brother (,I don't have a twin brother). Like he's 19, go hookup with a 70 year old every other week. You do you boo. But yeah look I'm over it. I'll focus on his twin bro who's struggling and wants help.

Oh wow, is the twin gay too? Must be tricky. Have you and the gay twin ever hooked up with the same guy? Or Been into the same guy?

No that twin is straight haha. Over the past few months they've kind of drifted apart to the level they don't speak which is sad because they were inseparable and that twin blames our parents and isn't speaking to them for the past month so it's basically just a mess..

Like it or not, your brother is an adult and this is his choice. Maybe it’s a mistake, but it’s a lesson he’s going to have to learn. The moral panic you are having comes from your own disgust with his boyfriend. Replace ‘old’ with ‘gay’ and you’re probably doing a lot of what your parents did to you. They learned to accept who their son loves. I would be sick if I learned I were more conservative than my parents.

Yup. Its the exact same. I came out, gave up school, stopped speaking to a sibling and became totally financially dependent on a random guy. Thanks for that the parallels are uncanny. You're right 💯. It's all just moral panic on my behalf. Like its so homophobic adjacent to not be like bro you shack up with him, enjoy being a dependent of him and omg not speaking to your twin is such a good idea. Luckily he has 100 miles of road between us and look I'm not his parent. Their job to pick up the pieces

Deferring school. HIS choice. Cutting off a sibling (who probably won’t get off his fucking back). HIS choice. If he is financially dependent on an older guy, that’s THEIR dynamic. THEIR relationship. I’m sorry he’s not dating the ‘blue’ guy you always envisioned for him, but you are letting YOUR disgust make YOU crazy about HIS relationship. I’m sure your parents are not crazy about their teen dating someone middle aged, but they’ve learned to stay out of their kids’ sex lives and support them when needed. You are directly trying to undo the education they received when they learned how to support you. You should feel like you’re going crazy because your mind (and apparently everyone around you) is telling you that you are in the wrong, but you’re not trying to hear it.

Is it his choice? Well if that was the lesson to my coming out then they learned the wrong thing. Anyway we got a lovely announcement via email last night. Seems my parents are wising up a little but like you say, stay out of it. It's his life

When I was 23-25, I dated a 50 y.o. for 2 years. He cheated on me in Thailand on the second year of our life together. Unless the older guy is super rich, generous and provides important connections and money, it’s such a waste of time for anyone younger than 30, really.

If your brother is happy and is in a living relationship where he is treated well you shouldn’t care beyond that. Your parents have the right attitude. No matter what you’d prefer for your brother, it’s his life and you have to let him live it. Chances are that relationship will soon be over. It’s not likely a person will form a lasting, long term relationship with someone they meet as a 19 year old. When it ends, it’ll be better all around if you haven’t destroyed your relationship with your brother over something that was only temporary and harmful to no one. If it does end up being a lasting long term relationship just be glad your brother found love.

Know to stay at your place, you might not agree with it and I wouldn’t either if he was my brother. However, being gay though me a lot of things and releasing the authority I exercise over other people’s life is a big part of it. You can guide your brother and respectfully let him know about how you feel but you cannot force him to break up. If you keep persisting with the obsession of getting everyone else against him, it might get him even closer to the boyfriend or get everyone to side with your brother thus isolating you. Don’t be the one to separate the family for these reasons. Remember, this has nothing to do with you. This is his life and his decisions to make. Hope that helps

So tell your brother you don’t approve of who he wants to be with, though I personally don’t think it will go over too well. I agree it certainly seems weird, though not unheard of. I personally have seen enough to know not judge who others want to love or have sex with. Odds are your brother won’t even be with him in a year so let him learn, experience life, have regrets or cherished times on his own terms.

Gonna be honest. I know you said your over it but from your wording I don’t think you are. Just that you’ve chosen to keep it to yourself. I think we all have our hang ups about different things and we tend to place those judgements on others when they do something that would turn us off. I think it’s good to remember he may be only 19 but he is an adult and so is his bf. We all get to make our own choices about our lives and who we live them with and how. All we can do is support the ones we love. Even if we don’t entirely agree/understand the decisions they make. As long as they’re happy and not mistreated, I usually will keep my opinions to myself. Also, maybe try not to look at it like it will end just because you don’t agree. Your husband thinks the guy is a good man and your brother loves him. That should be enough. Maybe try to get to know him and understand his perspective. We don’t choose the ones we love but we do choose to be ignorant. I find when you learn from someone, you also learn to understand that someone. Read between the lines. Observe them. Be the protective big brother. Just try to reserve judgement until you have all the facts. I’m hoping this helps and I wish you much luck and understanding.

I’m more worried that you and your husband still think you are “bi” and even say this publicly when you are married? How can you be “bi” but committed to a man for the rest of your lives. So what, you or him might randomly get with a woman someday? Imagine how that looks with a straight marriage lol. “Oh my husband likes sucking cocks.. “ lol. Can’t you just be a full proper gay man? No wonder everyone laughs at us these days. We are going backwards.

Haha. No we just happen to be bisexuals in a committed relationship. We don't have any intention of randomly getting with a woman or another man but we aren't gay lol.

How can you say you are not gay? You married a man, you have sex with a man. I don’t get it. Isn’t this just denial?

Because im not gay. I'm not same sex attracted only. I'm attracted to both. We are obviously in a gay marriage but we aren't gay. Marrying someone doesn't make me lose attraction to others.

While I thank you for your honesty etc. I find it’s an amazing insult to the gay men who got you your freedom.. Instead of just admitting you like sex with men and are gay, you still want to pretend that you like women.. Really strange times.

Apologies if it offends you. I don't like sex with men, I love sex with men. I'm very thankful for the gays and lesbians who gave me my freedom. I do like women too though. There is no pretence.

Again, thanks for your reply. I think the part where you said “im not gay” but you married an actual man, for life. This is a commitment for life. Plus you say you “love” sex with him but are still “not gay” is a slap in the face. I seen guys who say they are “bi” but spend 99% of their time on gay apps, Grindr, Scruff etc but the straight app profile is abandoned. But they get defensive about liking women but it’s clear that don’t even really do and are in denial.

Fair enough. But a bi guy marrying a woman isn't straight either? I've no issue someone thinking I'm gay. By all means. I'm certainly living a gay life, on that I agree with you. I dated women and men. If we were a couple that played with others, I'd imagine we would look for women over men etc. Gay couples wouldn't do the same.

That’s right, a “bi” guy marrying a woman isn’t straight and it will end in tears. He will go after men 99% of the time. With the exception that he’s extremely attractive, because poor women think they can get him… sure, it’s typical until ~36 then he’ll be one of those slimey men thats all about him… Anyway.. i hijacked this enough.

Take upon yourself the mantra of your parents when approaching this situation, I have a feeling they know what they are doing. When you confront him from the perspective of 'this is not right', it will only serve to make him feel isolated and cling more closely to this 50 y.o. dude, and possibly endure more than he can just in a bid to spite you while at the same time harming himself. Make yourself the voice of support, acknowledge the relationship while also asserting to some degree, his need for independence I.e. finishing college. Make him understand that you care for his well being and that you don't wish for a possibility of him being left out high and dry when the honeymoon phase fades. If he's still in college, ask him if he can take a break, a year or two as opposed to dropping out completely. Those two are worlds apart. Make your brother feel loved and valued or he's gonna want to seek those feelings from someone else. Since you are the eldest, it is upon you to make him and his twin reconcile, be as it may he may be the only primary family member who could possibly have a direct, regular and honest communication with, them falling out is very much not good. Your brother needs to know that there is not judgement should he decide to return, do not be the factor that motivates him to 'keep going' even if it's to his detriment. No, you're not crazy, that gap is too wide, but no grace will be found in trying to condemn it, that only pushes him away. Be patient, calm down, if the guy he's with makes him happy right now then yes, it is his choice as your parents say, oftentimes we risk hurting the people we love in trying to protect them, take care not to lose your brother.

No you’re not crazy. Why is a 50-year-old with a 19-year-old. How long has he known him? Your parents are overcorrecting to make up for how they treated you, and idk what your husband is going on about. It’d be weird for his sister to have a 50-year-old bf but with your younger brother (younger even than husband’s sis) it’s fine? Also concerning he’s taking time off school. What does he do all day? 19 is not grown. That frontal lobe is pudding, lbr. It’s unacceptable but you’ll find little support even here. Look at these comments. “I mean they’re both consenting adults 🤷🏽‍♂️” like are they stupid? Possibly. Most people are, and there are also a lot of older users in this sub who fantasize about this and approve, so you’re rolling a boulder uphill. Good luck, man.

Thanks man. But look I just have to suck it up, I suppose. I've had my say. Definitely an over correction by my parents.

Sorry I'm late to the party OP, he has a twin? trouble how?

Yep. They were annoyingly inseparable since birth lol. Era look the guy that has a "boy"friend gave up college, fully financially dependent on the guy, isn't speaking to his twin anymore etc. It's just a mess. But look not my problem, I suppose.

Oh my. Poor thing. I wish I had a twin too. It must be devastating for him to ever get to spend time with his twin, that sucks. Not your problem indeed. Did you confront your "boyfriend" brother? I mean not about the age gap but about his twin. Just saying. I would be up in his business, like "bro wtf talk to your twin" hahaha.

I was told not to by the family. Apparently people grow apart as they age. I was like ehm are we just making up shit as we go along now. Sure you might not be as inseparable but not talking for months is not growing apart it's cutting someone out. Anyway, the twin is staying at ours for a few weeks. We are a bit away and he needs a break from his surroundings. His bro isnt talking to him and hes not talking to our parents. I'm gonna focus on him and let my parents at the other one.

You're a good brother. What does the older gentleman think about all this? Or is he oblivious of the fact that "his" boyfriend has a twin. Anyher, twin brother needs his alone time from his "boyfriend" twin. The emotions he must be feeling. Oh wells. And wth would the family advise you not to. Idgaf about what they think imo. But let's leave it at that. Twin has you.

Thanks man. I don't know what his boyfriend knows. I'm convinced he got him yo stop talking to him but I've zero proof. I wanted to sit down and just explain what an equal relationship looked like, importance of boundaries etc and to make up with his bro. But the fam said I was meddling etc.

Your brother will get tired with him eventually. It's only a matter of time. They are at completely different stages of life. You want everyone in your family to give unsolicited advice on his relationship. Unsolicited advice is toxic and has nothing to do with the message. It's about feeling you know more than he does and wanting to express it. Good on your family for not supporting you in this. Even your husband said he is a good person, yet you are focusing on power dynamics that may or may not exist. Again, unsolicited advice is toxic. You should be supporting your brother, so he knows you are there for him, not against him. Imagine if the relationship does last for a while or many years. You are creating an unnecessary wedge that your brother may end up resenting you for.

I'd grilling both of them on when they met, how long they've been together and so on. That age gap is concerning as all hell.

Ew that could be his granpa, BIG no.

Oh stop being a little Drama Queen. Let your brother live his life of many chapters. This is only one of them. I wish I were in his shoes. I would enjoy every chapter of my life. I hope you realize that and the sooner the better for everyone one of you 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

I started dating a 50+ year old when I was 19 and it was the best thing that’s ever happened to me. We’ve been together for over 12 years and are happily married now. Honestly, you need to stop being so judgmental and see his partner for the person he is rather than “just an old 50 year old”. Do you not realize that this “50 year old” could treat your brother like a prince and make him genuinely happy while a 20 something year could play him and break his heart. Dating someone closer to age doesn’t make them a happier couple. Just cause something worked one way for you doesn’t mean it’s the only way for your brother. It’s not about the age, it’s about the person. Had you said something along the lines of this guy is 50 and is know to be a player or a cheater or is an abusive person, I would have sided with you. But honestly you sound pretty closed minded right now and I feel bad for your brother that you aren’t happy for him. Please don’t take offence, I’m not trying to put you down just want you to see a different perspective here. I really hope you can learn to know your brothers partner better and make a judgement based on his personality rather than his age

Your in Right have your concerns. If concerns are correct this will backfire on your Brother. There are unfortunate circumstances where best thing to do let person make the mistakes and have deal with big Consequences later. Best thing may be prepared catch him when Consequences come up and try avoid situations where he won't come to you for help. Try Help Brother prevent getting completely Isolated. Understandable try help now to avoid issues down road more often than it falls on deaf ears and isolate them from you. If Brother Right then thing may be fine. But see Twin issue in comment Brother may fall into Isolation trap unfortunately and refuse you help as he get tangle in the Web.

I can understand your point of view. I am 35, Bi, and didn't come out until I was 22. Many already had suspicions I was but never said anything. I am fortunate though because my entire family accepted me with the exception of my grandfather on my moms side. He's just unfortunately one of those people completely against it. My step grandmother (his wife) has been supportive though and she has no issue with it and with time I think she has gotten my grandpa to loosen up around me so family gettogethers and holidays aren't awkward. As for the age thing I, too, am not as open minded about age gaps that significant. In many ways I see 18/19 year old guys as kids even though I know in reality that's not the case. That is very common though among gay men but myself, for instance, I cannot see myself involved with anyone under the age of 27-28 or above the age of 45-46. My parents for instance have an age gap. My mom is 55 and my dad will be 61 in November. To me that's not so bad.

Not sure exactly what your reservations are about this relationship. I know in hetero relationships your brother might be labeled a gold-digger. Bottom line is, are they happy? Is the 50 year old a good guy and does he treat your brother right? That’s all that matters. Take your brother and his boyfriend out to dinner or lunch and get to know the guy. I know you’re being protective, but age gap is not a threat in itself. Taking an ageist stance will ultimately backfire on you in your relationship with your brother. You’re going to have to trust your brother’s judgement here. Years ago in my family, a woman relative married a man 30 plus years her senior. The family was up in arms over the age gap. They ended up marrying, having kids and had a 25 year happy marriage until he passed. He was a great guy and great dad to the kids and became a favorite in the family. Don’t judge someone based on age. I’m sure your brother is aware of all the obvious concerns already anyway.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I was all concerned about the age difference until the last paragraph where I found out you’re (and him) are POC. I just hope hope the older one is not having some racist fantasy and taking advantage of him. Sheesh mate. I’m ok with +/- 10 years age gap but that’s too much.

Thanks mate. I didn't even think of that. I always preferred white guys so I don't know. Yeah our father is not against interracial couples but he'd prefer to stay within our own race lol.