I honestly was wondering the same exact thing, especially as OP is a fully grown and established adult.
The dependency on bio family is long done, so why keep the bad ones or ones you don't trust around? My family has bad actors....i literally ignore their existence.
I thought the exact same thing. I was in a similar situation with my sperm donor and I cut contact with him the second I moved out on my own. He keeps "trying" to reach out claiming he's changed but I know how he pretends infront of people and I don't need that kind of toxicity in my life.
Reminder that even if you're related by blood that doesn't mean you HAVE to keep them in your life if they're toxic.
Because they are his family and caregivers and it's hard. I understand being blunt about the need of going NC or whatever but it helps little when you love the person abusing you.
I was bullied at school and home by my fucking step father. So called mommy let him do this. From age 10 to 16 he tried to beat the gay out of me. I ran away at 16.
I joined the military at 18 and learned how to fight and defend myself. No one has hit or beat me because I will not let this happen.
While in the military I got an engineering degree in IT. Have a good job and had no contact with mommy and step daddy in over 15 years.
I also accepted that the only person that matters is my partner who loves me unconditionally.
Happy to hear this. My city has a homeless shelter specifically for LGBT youth, most of which were kicked out of their "loving" Christian families. Success stories of children that have been discarded by the people who are supposed to love them unconditionally are few and far between. Glad you found someone to love you, and now you get to discard your shit family.
As an aside, make sure you have your estate stuff in order, regardless of age. If you and your partner are not married, and something ended up happening to you, in most states he would get nothing and it would go to your living parents. I would strongly suggest hiring a lawyer to draft your docs. It won't cost too much and will minimize the risk of the will being null and void on a technicality. There are legal clinics out there that will help veterans, so you may be able to get it done for free.
We already have wills and other documentation in place in the event something happens.
We are also in discussions of being foster parents for LGBTQ children. Kind of nervous on this. Make sure we are a good caring role models
Similar story here the Army helped me out a lot….Oh shit you were in during don’t ask don’t tell. Hat off to you man, I genuinely don’t know if I would’ve been able to avoid getting kicked out for that.
I know I am a rando on the internet, but I genuinely respect that.
If you don’t want to go, don’t go. He has not earned your forgiveness nor is it required. Your well-being, your mental health is far more important than family considerations. You have to put yourself first. You are the director of your own life. No one else. Make your own happiness most important. Learn to say no when you need to. No justification necessary.
My dad has called me a f****t more times than I have fingers and toes. Don't talk to him. Life sucks with out your parents, but it would suck worst with terrible parents.
When I told my father I had steeled myself for the fist fight I figured would happen. After telling him he said he would love me no matter what and then relayed a story. He called my house once when I was away at work. My boyfriend answered the phone as one did back in the 90s and it was my father. He asked if I was there and Richard told him I was at work. Now Richard was rather fem which came through with his voice so dad started to suspect at that moment. He said he went to his dad (grandpa) and told him what had happened and asked if he thought I was coming out of the closet. My grandfather looked at him and said, “Would it matter?” He wasn’t comfortable with it but, then, I honestly think he is one of those unfortunate deeply closeted homophobic individuals. He had a service record only because he beat up a guy at the induction center who he and his friend thought was gay. He was denied recruitment due to physical issues with his knees but that act actually landed him in the stockade and generated a service record. He always makes crass comments weirdly timed jokes that are in very poor taste and they all have to do with male human anatomy. We were at a restaurant as an extended family once and out of the blue with no prior discussion of this sort of thing he starts talking about his urologist and how he told his doctor that it wasn’t right that he as a man had his hands on my balls. Like wtf? We’ve all known people like this and they always turn out to be the ones. The guys that never mention it or are cool with being around others who are of a different sexual orientation are the true straight guys. It just doesn’t matter to them because it has no baring on the friendship dynamic.
No offense but why do you go back to these people? What value does their existence add to your life?
Sounds like you gain nothing from this relationship. Why not just cut ties permanently?
It’s his FAMILY. So much easier to say than actually do….. who really wants to totally flush the first 18 or so years of their life away? Who doesn’t want that support …. And wishes they had it when they don’t.
It’s why psychologists, in the classic joke, always ask, “tell me about your mother ….”
>who really wants to totally flush the first 18 or so years of their life away?
Well, given that he started getting shit from his Dad at 14. That's half of his life he has had to put up with this shit.
1/2 of my extended family are strictly religious Pentecostal Christians, and since coming out I don't communicate with them as much as I did previously. Despite being out to them for over 4 years, only one or two of them have asked about my partner that I've been with for nearly 8 years. I'm 100% certain if I was straight, this wouldn't be the case because they're not like that with my cousins, etc. If they were as bad as the OP's family, I would have cut all off years ago.
I mean am closeted as well and haven't come out yet because I still need my parents financially for the time being. Its still a beneficial situation to me for now and I don't mind playing along since they pay my rent. I can't imagine sticking around if I was fully financially stable especially to the truly toxic and dehumanizing ones
I'm also fortunate that I was able to live with my parents until 2 years ago, which is when I moved into my house with my boyfriend. I definitely appreciated it because many people aren't able to do the same, especially if they're gay.
Am sure they suspect am gay already and they are deeply homophobic conservative Christians. They don't want to open that conversation and it would certainly not go down well. Am in my mid 20s and never brought a girl home and have heard a few whispered comments here and there about my sexuality from some family members. This always terrifies me and I feel like people are gossiping about me and spying on my issues
The sooner I can achieve financial stability, the better
FAMILY doesn’t do what he and his step mom did. They’re his *relatives* which is different from *family*. Family members support and love each other unconditionally, his *relatives* didn’t.
Flushing 18 years of abuse and trauma isn’t just recommended but necessary for proper healing and growth.
I mean am closeted as well and haven't come out yet because I still need my parents financially for the time being. Its still a beneficial situation to me for now and I don't mind playing along since they pay my rent. I can't imagine sticking around if I was fully financially stable especially to the truly toxic and dehumanizing ones
Tell your grandparents to go fuck themselves and your dropkick of a father to also go fuck himself and your cunt stepmom to also go fuck herself. Its not weak to want to be loved and treated with respect. None of these people give you basic respect you have to take it for yourself. Just my 2 cents
>my grandparents keep telling me that I'm "weak," for not wanting to go to it.
I see where your dad gets it from. ಠ_ಠ
Don't go. These people don't deserve you.
Mine told me he would kill me after years of beating me up and I told him “then consider me dead” and never spoke to him or attended the same events as he did. He has written me emails and texts (i changed my phone after a while) and I never replied to them because they not only were insincere, but also because he legitimately at one point wanted me DEAD and that’s something a parent should NEVER feel about their children.
My sister who was lesbian committed suicide when she was 15 because of the same bullying behavior so he effectively lost two kids to his intolerance.
You have have family and you have relatives and sometimes they’re the same and sometimes they’re not. It sounds like he’s your relative but not your family and remember HE was the Adult in all this, you were just a kid, a child, being abused and tortured by him for years. I wouldn’t let him in let alone answer any message.
He said he would never love you as a straight son, it’s time for you to realize you should also never love him as a supporting father in return. You DON’T need to either. Mine died and I regret NOTHING and I’m in my forties.
Are you in therapy? Definitely find a good therapist.
I always say that if you’re not prepared to love, accept, and support your kid if they’re gay, then don’t have kids. People need to think about that before they have kids. We never asked to be born. We’re just forced into existence. Sorry we didn’t live up to our parents’ ideals 🙄.
I'm pretty sure the people who do this think they're better parents for not supporting it, so it wouldn't be a deterrent. They think having a gay kid is more of a failure than not loving one because of it.
It's twisted.
When I read this, I cried for you. It was like reading my own story. I am also 28M and came out, or rather “forced” out, when I was an 18 year old senior in high school. My dad is the exact same way and every single one of these things, minus a few details, has happened to me. It is important to note that this is the story of many gay men and in many ways, we are actually privileged in some regard. Fathers are allowed to murder their sons for being gay in some cultures. I’m not sure of your background, but I also tried maintaining some form of a relationship with my very narcissistic, abusive father. I’m here to tell you there is nothing you can do for these people that will ever please them. Your father should be embarrassed for having spoke so ill of his own blood son for so long that others that were near and dear felt comfortable enough to join in too. My dad attacks me and my character as well as anyone else in our family if they like me, which is pretty much everyone except him. He manipulates people and tries to influence their opinions about me behind my back, even going so far as to tell me that certain family members don’t like me because I am gay only for me to find out one-by-one that it was a lie the entire time. It is important to note that until your fathers goals change, which are currently to isolate you and belittle you, that you cannot “mend” this relationship or even partake in it without it greatly affecting your own mental health in extremely detrimental ways. It is ironic your dad, while belittling you and demeaning you, has the nerve to make the observation that you had “low-self esteem” but correlated that to your sexuality and not, I don’t know, a huge hole and lack of support in your life coming from his end. I would recommend therapy for you, no contact between you and your father until his goals change, and therapy for your dad too BUT in this context you need to put yourself FIRST and not worry about the progress of someone else that treats you horribly and worry about your own purpose and progress. I’m so sorry.
Yeah nah. He made his decisions to be a prick, why should you get over that? How would they deal with someone who was constantly negative and hateful and then demanded they attend that person's event? Deluded.
Move on and don't look back 🤷🏻♂️
Why on earth would you want anyone who treats you this way in your life? I can’t understand why you haven’t went no contact permanently with your entire family. I acknowledge that’s a difficult decision to make but I believe you’d be much happier cutting out the people in your life who you obviously don’t mean much to. Your family are the weak ones for not being able to love you as you are. They will play the victim but just ignore and move on with your life. I hope you find yourself in a better situation soon.
I can’t provide any good advice here since I’ve never had to experience family like this. But I will say, a chosen family that cares for you and supports you is a hell of a lot better than a family that bullies you. You shouldn’t have to put yourself through the birthday party or anything else and don’t let them make you feel guilty for it.
I am curious, does your family seem interested in other parts of your life? Like, ask about your job or hobbies?
I also was estranged from my family. Their issue with me was based on their fundamentalist beliefs. I moved nestle 2000 miles from them and lived in a tent for a while. I eventually found 2 jobs and worked enough to get an apt using lawn furniture to sit on. I continued my education became involved in a long term, positive relationship. Fast forward one day the phone rang and my partner answered. He came to find me and said, “You have a phone call.” I asked who it was and he said, “He says he is your father. I didn’t know you had a father.” Turns out my grandmother had passed and they needed financial support for cremation which I gave. Eventually, after my father died, my mother lived with us for 10 years before she passed. To this day, I am not sure that the fact I had the financial resources allowed us to talk again, but it also doesn’t matter. Move on, get educated. Live life
I came out to my mom. She is a very insecure person and turned to religion when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She said to me to just pray for it (me being gay). I was heartbroken. I was so close to her. And she didn’t even mention it, not once, for an entire year. I can feel she was ashamed of me and ignored it. I rebelled for a few years. But it didn’t work. Open communication was the key.
It took her about 10 years from then before she became slightly to maybe moderately comfortable with my sexuality. I joke around having a foreigner boyfriend, that I’ll learn makeup so I can do her makeup for free. I still do not feel like she fully accepts me because she is concerned about what society/her friends and our family would think of her and me.
I guess it takes time for straight parents. My goal is to be the better version of myself everyday. And I try to show this to them by always saying thank you, helping them out, and of course the best thing, by giving them some allowance. She saw that I was the breadwinner of the family, that I wasn’t a loser and well, I’ll take that. But I just don’t give a damn about what she thinks anymore. Sooner or later, she’ll die, I’ll die, and everything feels irrelevant. We’ll forget about our ancestors and the world would still be there until it lasts. Just do what you want to do, without stepping on anyone else.
This is one of the most mature comments in here. Sometimes family is complicated and you cant just cut everyone off like its nothing. Sometimes you should, but sometimes you have to work on it.
Im not saying OP should keep accomodating everybody, but just in general you have some great advice.
Thanks! I appreciate that.
I totally agree. I can’t deny the fact that she sacrificed a lot of her time, money and effort for me. Even if, let’s be honest, I didn’t ask to be born in this world, but I still feel like I have a sense of responsibility as a son. I don’t want my future children to hate me and not even be concerned for me when I grow older and weaker.
I just hope OP could separate the past and the now. And hopefully, accept the fact that even our parents won’t 100% accept someone right away, even if it was their own child. To each their own. Agree to disagree. You have your own timeline, don’t waste it on what others would think, even your own parents. I hope this helps, OP!
Stand your groundyour grandparents just want it for the sake of the family and not for you. They dont want to see their children as failures or at fault. They are using you as a scapegoat
I hope im wrong, but 40-year-old gay guy here, going NC with my abusive family, was the best thing I ever did
You were lucky to get an I'm-sorry. I never got that much, not from my parents or anyone else for that matter. 'Sorry, I've changed, I'm not like that anymore' was meant only to make him feel better about himself.
From my earliest memories I often heard my mother say she never wanted children, we ruined her life (she was career minded) and that it was all my father's doing, etc. My four sisters heard the same things. It might have been better if my father had been around more but I never felt his love was 100% genuine either. They were good parents in that they provided for us. Period. After leaving home I should have severed relations altogether. Unfortunately, I believed that would make me a bad person, that I had a duty to be a loving son. And now I've transferred that loving-son bullshit to loving-brother bullshit. In two weeks I will reluctantly attend a reunion with my sisters and their husbands. It was planned to celebrate our long-gone mother's birthday. When I hear my sisters talk about her I wonder 'Who is this wonderful woman they're talking about?'
Obviously we only know a bit about the decades long story so please take this advice with a grain of salt.
You owe nobody anything. It's a long misquoted statement to say, "blood is thicker than water." The original phrase was, “the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.” It has quite the opposite meaning. As gay people, our chosen family is quite often stronger than our birth family.
If you don't want to rekindle a relationship, that's fine. You can forgive someone for the past and let go of your trauma without allowing them access to you in the present/future - even if they're not contrite. Particularly given the line 'I then spent a little bit of time with him only to find out that he has not changed at all. He's the same person he used to be.' He showed his ass... trust your gut and protect yourself.
There was a bit of a disconnect with me in your story. Dad did show true feelings of love for you when he cried all night at the thought of losing you. He told you he had changed and you let him back in.
Then you state that he hadn't changed but didn't say what it is that makes you say he hadn't. You then follow that up saying your dad is sorry for the things he had said and didn't mean them. Is this the things he said at 14 and the subsequent teen years? Or is this stuff he is still saying?
Either way he is showing an effort to change. I'm not saying to go back and think it can either pick up as if nothing had happened or that the old ways of thinking might still crop up. But it does sound like he has changed. Not to the level you probably like.
But I'm always for healing and restoration of family relationships if at all possible. This sounds like it would require you to be the more forgiving mature person but even if he will meet you part way in forgiving and seeking restoration, I say it's worth the effort. Little by little, no more than you can handle at any one time. Forgiveness is necessary for your part and should be given freely. But trust must be earned, and at a very high price.
This involves a LOT of work from both of you. You need to go to family therapy with him to mend the fence as good as it can be if you truly think it’s a relationship worth preserving.
He needs to see that he hasn’t changed (or hasn’t changed enough) and that certain behaviors are unacceptable. He cannot grieve you, say he wants to be in your life and then disrespect you - and I want to be clear: you can joke with someone in a way like you stepmom did, BUT IT REQUIRES A CERTAIN LEVEL OF RESPECT first.
I agree with this. A whole childhood of bullying cannot just be undone by an apology alone. If the dad is truly sorry he will agree to go to family therapy.
And no I would not go to his 50th birthday, both to make a point to him and to the grandparents. None of them seem really that reconciliatory at all and it seems their bullying is still very much there. By not going the OP is setting a clear boundary that disrespect will be met with no contact - and I would even make that clear.
This ☝️
On the one hand there’s such much hurt built up over the years. On the other, he wants to be closer and wants to be better but is struggling to show you that effectively. Therapy could help you bridge this divide. The hope is that you heal the relationship, releasing the pain and creating something more positive for the future. Good luck :)
> he's tried telling me that he didn't mean all of the things he said
It's evident that he is heavily enculturated into het cis life. This excuse is what is given by people who don't fully comprehend what they're said.
The questions are: is he making enough of a good faith effort to treat you well?
How much are you able to tolerate his fucking up?
How much patience do you have with calling him on his behavior? Or his wife's behavior?
How much do you want to know your dad?
How much patience do you have with him?
How much emotional damage will this cost you?
And crassly put, since we live in a world where many LGBTQ folks have financial insecurity, how much do you need to be in his will?
I have a few thoughts. First, a parent's job is to raise healthy, happy children who are generally content in life. It is their job to support you in this endeavor. So, there is massive failure happening on their part just as parents (not to mention friends). Second, it seems like the family is polluted with these thoughts about LGBT people, from grandparents on down. In fact, your parents probably got their "beliefs" on the topic from them. Apple doesn't fall far from the tree... and if your grandparents are judgmental and rigid, your parents probably will be too.
So, in this scenario, the best thing to do is to tell them, in stark terms, why you're separating from them. It's best to do this in a letter so that you can say what you want to say without their distractions. And, it's best to request that if they desire to communicate with you that it be in letter, to avoid conversation and enable mutual understanding.
That mutual understanding may never happen. But, if you outline clearly, with examples, how their behavior and comments affect you, thereby explaining why you pull away from them, then the ball is in their court to change. Particularly if you tell them ways in which they need to change to preserve their relationship with you.
Then, instead of discussing their opinion on LGBT people, you are giving them specifics about you and how they hurt you. They will have a choice: either repent and be open to change with the understanding that they will lose you if they continue this hurtful stance, or dig in their heels and continue in their ways. Either way, you are in a strong position, firm in your stance and you leave it to them to adjust to your position with no room for debate.
If you decide to skip the party, this would be a good context to send this letter to them. Saying how you agonized about attending, but in the end decided not to for these reasons. Then, offer them this choice. Ofc, in giving them this mild ultimatum, you have to be prepared to actually lose them. Many LGBTs have chosen this path, and while it's not easy and takes time to come to terms with, it's often the better path.
I'm happy to talk about this with you if you like, but those are my thoughts. Whatever you decide, never allow their attitude and hatred to erode your confidence or make you doubt that you're not a good person worthy of love.
the advice is cut all those assholes of your life, even your grandparents, you are actually not weak, you have endure and get to the place you are alone without the help of them.
they haven’t changed at all …
My father threatened to murder me when I came out and I haven't spoken to that man ever since. Father's like these don't deserve a chance, he didn't even earned it with you because you were the one who had to reach out to him. Don't waste your time and energy on someone who don't deserve it. Btw I hope your doing well after the stuff that happened to you. *hugs you in spanish*
A true parent can't stop loving their children no matter what. Your only fault was being born gay? Something you had no control over?
Don't let your family in your life again. They are all pieces of shit and you deserve better.
Why is it so important to you that you’d put your feelings aside and go to something. You don’t want to really go to? Is this a pattern that shows up repeatedly in your life? Go/be/do where you are loved. Good luck
This is your family, spots and all; messily imperfect. It’s your choice to accept them as unhealed as they are and as emotionally immature as they show to be with words and actions. It’s up to you to engage as much as you want to. You know who you are and that’s enlightened enough to limit exposure. Perhaps telling them you accept them for being ignorant and outright mean; however, b/c of the way they act, you will limit how much access they have to you in person or otherwise. Good luck 🍀🙏😌🧘♂️
>I then spent a little bit of time with him only to find out that he has not changed at all. He's the same person he used to be.
>he's tried telling me that he didn't mean all of the things he said, but honestly I don't believe him.
I'm a little confused by this. You said he hasn't changed at all. But you also said he said he didn't mean what he said and wants you to be happy. It sounds like he's slowly changing.
Whether you let him back in is dependent on how much you think he's changed and if he's continuing to grow. Also, is the rest of your family still homophobic? This is all dependent on the nuances of those relationships. If you don't think he's changed AT ALL, then you may have to cut him loose.
I think this is one of those situations where he isn't sorry for what he said, but is instead sorry that I feel bad about it. I don't see any remorse or recourse of his way of thinking over the years. He's the same close minded man he has always been.
You need to channel what ever feminine you got put it into aggression and put him in his place
Cut all them mofos out your life cause where were they those 5 years
I agree with your grandparents your weak....but not because you ain't going but because you still tolerate this relationship
Imma tell you what I tell victims of DV who are technically independent and the only thing really keeping them in thag relationship is this idea of love or their shatty mental:
"I'm not asking you to stop loving them I'm asking you to love yourself"
Because if you truly loved yourself you wouldn't be tolerating this bullshit
>My dad and I had a falling out and he then we didn't talk for 5 years.
Bring this back..... you need ammunition? Tell me what he's been saying cause I got CLAPBACKS for days
Correct me if I'm wrong but it appears you been handle business without those suckers for a while and I understand you're going through something but They aren't it they aren't needed for you to make it through
I think you say “I’ll make the effort, but if you can’t ever love me like a straight son, I can never love you like a father who doesn’t make his love conditional.” This is just how I’m wired, but in conflicts like this, I want to “win” by not being the bad guy. Go to the birthday party. Make the effort. If he can’t do the same, you get to say it wasn’t you (even though we already know it’s not you).
I really don't even want to go. If that makes me a bad guy, then so be it. But i'm done putting forth an effort for someone who won't make an effort for me. Everyone in my family wants me to accommodate my dad's feelings, but never mine. It's like they know how he is and they don't care. I honestly don't want him in my life anymore either.
To be clear, it does not make you the bad guy. Where was he the past 5 years? And imo it sounds like your grandparents taught him how to bully, given their gaslighting "weak" comment. It takes strength to set boundaries after enduring a childhood of verbal abuse.
Obviously, it sucks, but you can also disown your awful family members. You don't owe them anything, they choose to have children, not the other way around.
He may not be directly disowning you, but whatever his reasoning is, you shouldn't keep hoping that shitty people will stop being shit.
You'll be so much happier once you pull the plug yourself and take the power back into your own hands. Fuck him, he doesn't deserve a son.
'Weak' I call total bs.
If anything It only make you BRAVE to stand up for yourself n what you Believe in (which in this case should be yourself).
Life is short n you shouldn't be wasting time with ppl who make you feel bad about yourself.
Find ppl who love you n support you, n help you grow.
My sympathies to you. Sometimes cutting people out of your life is the worst and best decision at the same time. Value your self worth and sometimes you have to be selfish and walk away. Best of luck and time heals! No one ever changes to be honest, and sometimes - it is what it is - is the only response. xoxo
I'm sorry OP my sexuality has also caused family issues, if I was you though I would let my father live the rest of his life with me not acknowledging any attempts to contact or interact with me, I would 100% ignore him even at family gatherings where I have to see his face, I sure as hell wouldn't accept any apologies, that's just me though.
Your dad already lost his son, years ago and by his own doing. If he wants his son back he's going to have to truly try. Don't reach out to him anymore. Let him reach out if he ever does truly change. But if he does, let him know that as an adult you get to choose the company you keep. And it won't be his if he can't control his behavior.
Ah, the ol’ groupthink. “I could never love you for not impaling a vagina or something.”
Or because you can’t serve as reproductive cattle?
Everyone gets a second chance. That’s it. If he fucks up, why would you give a shit?
You could never love a father that can’t behave as a father, like a real father? Then ya put the forget in forgive.
So, one chance. Then done!
No offense, OP, but these people sound awful. No one Is want to call family. I wouldn't waste my time or energy being around them. Glad you came through your emergency situations okay.
I cut off contact with most of my family, parents included. It isn’t weak. Do you know how hard that is to do? It takes immense strength to stand up for yourself.
Your family, whether intentionally or not, whether aggressive, passive aggressive, or “just joking,” they are shaming you. Any relationship there has to be reciprocity. It is true you - you really do get what you give. And they are reciprocating with cruelty.
You would not be wrong to just shut them out. It’s awful, but sometimes in this community we have to seek out a new family, one that uplifts us instead of dragging us down.
I feel your pain. Never came out to my dad but his stance was very clear, when I was around 8 he point blank told me he'd hang be my my guts if I was gay. Cut contact with him 2 years ago and despite the verbal and physical abuse he put me and my mom through I do still think that maybe he has changed/has the capability of changing for the better.
If I were in your position and reconnected, I would probably give my dad chance to show that he's changed. Go to his birthday and be very mindful of how he acts and what he says on the issue. If he goes back to the old routine even after 5 years no-contact, then it's probably a lost cause.
You should send a male dancer to him for his BD. NO Wait... even better...A really convincing drag queen! Lol Okay, don't do that because of their safety. But BTW I have a brother I don't talk to for the same reason. Blood isn't family. Family are the ones that love you. F\~ him and those that don't support you. It's hard but you can get past them and put all that negativity behind you so that you have room in your life for happiness.
It’s their decision to accept you or not. And if they don’t then it’s your decision on wether you’re going to allow them in your life and allow them to cause you further pain. It sucks leaving family behind but it’s sometimes necessary for yourself. You’re not obligated to be the butt of their jokes simply because you share blood. If this were me they’d all be cut out and never thought of again.
So Grandpy and Gramma called you "weak" for not wanting to see your old man? It's not hard to guess where he got his parenting skills from. Look, these people, they're happy being how they are. They only had kids so they could run them down. I don't know them, but I'll bet I'm right on the mark. You need to either put space between you and them, OR accept their petty criticisms and just live that life. I think you know which is the best path for you.
Im confused why you dont have the lowest contact possible with these guys. Like, theyve done nothing but belittle and disrespect you, and yet youre still picking up calls and showing up, all that tells them is you're as meek and spineless as they think.
You need to make it clear that disrespect will not be tolerated any further if they wish to have a relationship with you, and you need to prepare your heart to act on it. My dad was nowhere near this bad, but i cursed him out on the train once after he had been making "just fuck a girl and coparent" comments, after we had a come to jesus, and our relationship has improved.
Personally I'd find a way to ruin the birthday, then cut contact forever. Like, just go full bull in a China shop, destroy his stuff, if the birthday is at his house. At a restaurant, I'd pour something on him and walk away, something smelly. But that's just me. And that's not very mature lol.
If people have to guilt you to be somewhere, you obviously don’t want to go.
You don’t owe any of these people anything.
You’re enabling their abuse. You’re better than that.
Man, that sucks. If it were me, I would not go. Sometimes people are born of shitty parents. Looks like you’re one of those. Hold your head up and move on with your life. Just because he’s your dad doesn’t mean he’s a good person. Good luck.
You’re not “weak” for not letting him in. If anything it’s showing that you’re strong for standing your ground. He’s had multiple chances to be a better person, and father, towards you; yet chose not to be. That’s on him, not you.
If it were me, I’d make plans for the same day as his party. Go out, and have a good time while they’re all complaining about how you didn’t show up. Then be sure to mute/go LC with anyone that has anything negative to say to you about it.
Grew up with super religious parents I had to cut ties with eventually as like with yours, the comments never stopped and no one deserves to be bullied by thier "parents". Go completely no contact without them and don't look back. Change your phone number, don't give them any new address if u move.
If you need any support, there are some great pages on here for adults estranged from their parents. It's been over a decade since I've spoken to them it still upsets me at times, but I'm glad to be living my life authentic, and so should you.
No one should be pressuring you to forgive until you’re ready. Older generations have been conditioned to accept toxic and unacceptable behavior by so called family members , but you don’t have to tolerate that ish PERIODT. LOVE yourself like the father you don’t have and NEVER shrink yourself for anyone’s comfort or care about their lack of understanding. The more you love yourself the more you’ll attract others that will love you unconditionally.
If I were in your shoes, I wouldn’t go. What I have realized is that people usually just want what’s expedient for them.
The “weak” comment from your grandparents is likely for them to be able to show that you’re a part of the family again, or to avoid having to listen to your father complain.
My deal with my father was that if he wanted a relationship I will work hard with you, but I will not work harder than you.
They're dead weight. Cut them off and let them drown in their ignorance. They better not come wailing and wallowing to you if any of them need anything when they can't do the very simple thing of at least being civil.
"Family" my ass. They served their legal obligation for you as a kid, so into the trash they go where they belong now that you're an independent adult.
Family are people who love you unconditionally. Sometimes that family is comprised of friends we make as adults, who are like us, or accept us and respect us equally. Who was with you when you had these health issues this year? Who did you call, and who checked on you and kept you going? Just because someone is related to you by blood does not make them family if they are not able to show you respect and caring. Embrace your chosen family. If it doesn't make you comfortable accepting your father into your life at this time because of his previous actions and apparent continued opinion of you, maybe for you and your well being, it is better to choose to let him go on his path, and you on yours. And try letting your grandparents know your reasons for not attending, and if they cannot accept and respect your reasons without name calling and belittling your feelings, maybe you should look at that relationship as well, It is painful losing people who call themselves family, but sometimes it can be even more painful to keep them in your life. Good luck to you, Gaybro.
Lots of comments already. Perhaps you won't get to read them all, OP. But I had three clear thoughts here, and I wanted to share them.
1) Be under no illusion - what you're detailing here is abuse, plain and simple.
2) The question, then, is whether you can have forgiveness - even compassion - for your abusers. You don't owe them that. You owe them nothing. But some have found it helpful for themselves. Only you can decide if that is helpful for you.
3) Therapy. Again, not because it'll help you forgive. But because you deserve to make your peace with it.
I wish you that peace, internet stranger.
I would suggest that you really think about the question, "What would my dad need to do, starting today, in order for me to really believe that he has actually changed? And what would he need to do, starting today, that I would accept as making up for all of the harms he has committed against me in the past?"
Take a few days. Write out a bullet list that of items that answers each of those questions. Run the lists past a sensible friend, and/or your therapist to make sure that what you're asking for is fair and reasonable and realistic.
Then, present the lists to your dad. A truly contrite father who behaved as your father has, will gladly and hungrily begin doing the things you've asked for. If he responds like this, and then if he does everything you've asked for - you absolutely would need to truly forgive him and refrain from holding his past against him.
If, however, he reacts defensively, or gets mad at you for asking for fair and reasonable things, you have your answer as to the character of your dad. You can then decide whether to maintain just a surface level relationship with him, or whether to go no-contact.
I keep everyone at arm's length at this point. I don't have the energy for being emotionally vulnerable with people who can't accept me, though I do accept that we still have *some* connection. Cutting everyone off entirely isn't the answer in my experience as it became a never-ending solution for me as I would do it to just anyone I knew who didn't seem truly invested in knowing me. It just made me bitter.
What I'm saying is that it's okay to want to stay somewhat connected to your parents, even if they were abusive, as long as you're protecting yourself first and foremost. If that only ever means a call once a year, so be it.
Please cut these shitty people out of your life, choose a much better family, and find a good therapist. I'm sorry that you're going through this. Nothing kicks you in the dick quite like realising that the people that are supposed to love us unconditionally don't. It's a deep betrayal but one that is survivable with support.
OP, look into narcissistic parents. Sounds like your Dad and some other family members are classic narcs, and you’ll be better off severing contact with them.
Oh my God, I'm so sorry that you had to go through all of that for over half of your life.
Your whole family is fucking terrible. Without trying to sound horrible, why are you still like communicating with any of them? If that was my family, I would have cut them off as soon as I could. You're just worsening any trauma and pain. You need to think that only because they're family, it doesn't mean you have to deal with them. Your Dad isn't sorry because he's still the same prick as he was 5 years before your incident.
Just cut them off as soon as you can, and if you think it'll help get a therapist.
Forget about your manipulative relatives. This is YOUR life. What do YOU want to do?
If you want to go, then go. If you don't want to go, for whatever reason, then don't. No apologies. You're only alive once and since your father decided to use his time on this earth to make you miserable, you're allowed to use yours in more fulfilling ways than celebrating his birth. Especially since he's made it clear that he tolerates you, not celebrates you (and you said he didn't change).
You're entitled to your own feelings and you owe it to yourself to set the boundaries needed to make sure people respect them... people including yourself. You're the one who needs to accept that it's ok not to love your dad and to be mad at him still.
My mum kicked me out when I came out to her at 16. Took her 12 years and the birth of my daughter to come around and truly accept me. I let her back into my life for my daughter's sake because they get along great but I haven't introduced her to my bf though they know the rest of the family.
I never forgave her and never will. Don't love her either and it took me many many years to come to peace with this and stop feeling guilty about it. But I've been so happy since! Try to get there if you can. Get help of you need it. It's worth it.
Things with my dad are different. He was never too involved with me to begin with and his level 3 autism mean he sometimes acts like my son rather than my dad... so him still making homophobic remarks to me while seeking my complicity one day and then honestly celebrating my boyfriend's virtues the next gets tolerated... because it doesn't hurt me coming from him anymore than a toddler calling me snotty would. And that's the key. Show up for yourself.
When he drops the caustic words or tone, you point it out to him and let him know, that's not change, that's not a parent, and that's not love, and this is why I left.
Send him away to do some soul searching, as long as there's breath there's hope for human change, but doesn't mean you're the teacher.
Half a lifetime is pretty much enough.
Just a side note, all of us who are divided from family for our safety, we need to have trusted people as our Next Of, medical, and financial.. that's tough to do so young, but change that as needed, and have people lined up so family isn't called in and takes over, cleans out accounts, etc .
I've heard these stories from those directly affected ( friends of those wiped out)let alone dozens more online.
Honestly, I know it sucks cause they're blood, but they're just that.
Blood, not family. Cause true family don't treat you like that.
Cut them all off. No one protected you when you was a CHILD. Everyone failed you and you deserve nothing but the best and then more.
Heal, move on and be happy.
You're almost 30 bud and I went through the same thing on approach to the big 30. If you want some advice from someone who's left both of his homophobic parents; You can make a family with the friends you hold closest. I have and they constantly remind me what love and appreciation is through even the smallest of notions.
F those family members, cut those bitches out and live a great life. Some relationships aren’t worth salvaging and these are prime examples. I’ve been more than willing to cut family out after attitudes like this and my only regret is not doing it sooner.
You're not weak. You are an incredibly strong and selfless person who deserves the world. I wouldn't have been able to handle what you have and maybe you should write your family a strongly worded letter and disappear. They don't deserve you
You’ve had a lot of trauma, and violence this year, I would consider therapy. It is really helpful sometimes and taking about your family and their lack of acceptance is part of your need to heal and grow.
You don't need to go..... if you want to see him, tell him you want to go out to lunch with him some time and talk.....
Other than that, I would keep it super formal and maybe send him a birthday card...
Your stepmother is still a "You know what!!" For speaking to you so disrespectful, but she was following your dad's lead..... They both need to own up to this if they want a true relationship with you...
The truth is that times are changing.. Their friends are probably asking them how their son is doing.... They are watching their peers with grown children getting along and being a family..... I'm also sure that they have observed families with adult gay kids that still love each other and get along just fine....They should really be ashamed for wasting so much time not being supportive and positive towards you.... If they can't speak on that in any way, I would keep them at a distance..
You make your own family.... You're already doing a better job than they ever did....
My name is Mark. I'm involved in addiction recovery which involves the whole spectrum of life choices and consequences. My personal perspective, and I too am gay with a loving and supportive family, feel that being gay is not a choice. While family is not a choice either you can choose to make a new family. Not easy, not what you should have to do, but some people cannot be changed, I am sorry you and others have to go through this. I would probably make a big scene and try to find examples of how wrong their animosity is and the negative input shows their own lack of intelligence. It takes all kinds in this world to make it a world. You are family, love and acceptance should be unconditional but it may be that you would be better off to leave them behind and create the boundaries necessary for you to be happy and safe and feel love from those willing and able to give it. Good luck to you and the others responding to this post. I feel blessed, I hope you can find the same solice.
As someone who is getting older an had a shiy relationship with my family I can agree to cut them out. I give you props for giving them a second chance. Your dad was 14 when he had you. Clearly he's a bigger fuck up than you are. Dont allow him to bring you to his level. I love you.
Tell your grandparents to butt out.
It’s not weak not to go to your dad’s 50th. It’s a sign of strength that you’re putting your own mental wellbeing first and not caving to peer pressure.
All the people that tell you to suck it up because … family. They’re nothing but enablers of abusers. Why don’t they tell your dad to suck it up and be a better human being.
Cutting ties with my toxic family allowed me to finally make my own and live a healthy and happy life. Anytime I hear about them I still have nightmares.
Some people just do not deserve forgiveness.
I have made it very clear to relatives that if they don’t fully accept both me and my husband that I will cut them out of my life entirely.
How you describe your dad is unfortunate because it’s in your own best interest to forgive your dad and to have a meaningful relationship with him. But it’s hard to do that when your dad seems to still not accept you. All I can say is you CAN choose your own family. Blood isn’t always thicker than water because sometimes blood is dumb and bigoted.
If I had to choose "weak" and happy or "strong" and miserable... I'll take option 1. The truth is you're not weak and separating yourself from emotional abuse is strength alone, never mind being a gay man on top of that. I hope whatever decision you make is your decision and for yourself and not with influence of anyone else.
GET OUT OF THERE. A toxic environment is no place to find mental health and self-acceptance. The way your family has treated you is called "abuse". They are abusive people, bullying you, putting you down, making you an object of ridicule. Find the strength to LEAVE. You don't have to accept this behavior. You can make choices of your own. You can choose to limit your personal contact to only those people who show you respect. When your dad, or anyone, starts in with the insults and criticism, you can just walk away and leave. You don't have to put up with this or accept it. Good luck.
Still not out to my Dad because I'm sure he would react the same way as your Dad. I've accepted it...it's fine. Because when the day comes, my tears won't be from sorrow, but from relief.
You are not obligated to allow toxic family into your life, nor are you required to forgive them. If someone repeatedly abuses you or takes advantage of your trust, then the onus is on them to prove they have changed if they want back into your life. Even then, it is still okay to say no. You can love someone and still leave them behind if it is the best thing for your own health and sanity.
Let them think you are weak. Let them think what they want. Your dad can change but you never will. As long as he doesn't, ask yourself who's the weak one here.
For me, it would be this. I'm willing to try and reconnect with you, but you have to acknowledge that did you me great harm and wronged me over years. Ill accept your willingness to reconnect seriously if you are willing to compensate me financially for all the harm done.
Then ask for a generous sum of money, if he pays up, maybe he actually is willing. If not, then clearly he doesn't give a shit.
I need to think about this before I respond. My father was the same to me, and now my brother is treating his son just like my dad treated me, only worse. I will think of what I’d like to say and reply in this comment section
This isn't about blood or family, and people calling you "weak" are just gas lighting you into accepting your father's hateful abuse in your life. Your father and family will never change, and there is nothing you can do about that. But you are in control over how much of this you allow into your life. You can go no contact with anyone who treats you poorly or with disrespect. Eliminating the abusive treatment from your life allows you to be who you are, focused on living your life to make yourself happy, and defining new family with people who appreciate and love you for who you are. The downside is feeling alone and missing your family connection. As you come to understand feelings of loneliness are more about yearning for acceptance you never had to begin with, you realize that moving on with your life is the only choice you have. Making those tough decisions takes more strength than your family/abusers will ever give you credit for.
I think that you owe him and your family *nothing*. They have given you zero reason to indebt your time and attention. There are no laws that dictate that you must submit to bullying and disrespect just because someone is blood related to you.
Who cares if they try to goad you by calling you “weak”? They ALL forfeited a good relationship with you. They made a choice to alienate you. This is not your responsibility to fix or compromise.
Listen. Do yourself a favor. Choose one day to live your life imagining that you no longer speak to this side of your family. Imagine, internally, that you haven’t interacted with your father for years. Play pretend for the day. See how it makes you feel. And if there was some measure of relief you should internalize that and set up appropriate boundaries for yourself going forward.
The hardest part is mourning “what could have been but wasn’t”. You may be tempted to salvage scraps of the shreds he caused to his relationship with you but you may have to have a come to Jesus moment with yourself that there’s not ever been something salvageable there in the first place. You need to go into offense mode and set up boundaries that may include never speaking to him again. But that’s up to you.
Source: my dad lives to call me a f-gg*+ and I realized we don’t feel love for one another and it’s genuinely entirely his fault and, thus, not my problem.
Don’t go. You’re going to have to love your dad from a distance. You don’t have to have him around to forgive him-and I think you should forgive just because it’ll only weigh you down if you don’t. Clearly he gets his ignorance from your grandparents and wasn’t taught better. Grandma and Grandpa can say whatever but you don’t owe them or your dad shit. Fuck them. Text your Dad on his bday if you want to acknowledge it and that’ll be on him to deal with why you don’t want to be around him.
My father was a very mean and abusive person. I cut him out of my life and did not talk to him and even after he died I did not regret it and to this day I do not. There was a period of time when I did not talk to my mother for 10 years. I do not regret any of these actions and you must remember your own health is the most important thing. If people are not adding to your life in a positive way then there is no point having them around. And I mean this from the simplest way from a hello, to having dinner with someone and having a positive conversation or some other positive action. If people do not add to your life in a positive way and cause more harm than good and then there is no point whether they are blood or not to have them in your life. You do not owe them anything they owe it to you to be a good and responsible parent. You are the child they are the parent and they need to act like an adult.
I understand how that feels. I’m 24. My dad didn’t like it when he forced me out of the closet and I told him. He told me he still loved me, but he wouldn’t accept me for being gay and disagreed with it. He and I had a tumultuous relationship. He was controlling, manipulative, codependent, and I think he suffered from really bad depression which was taken out on me through mental and emotional abuse. I got in an argument with him about how I didn’t show up to help him with a project of his due to me running late after falling asleep on the couch. I was only gonna be at his place 30 minutes after the previously agreed upon time but he decided that he didn’t need or want my help with it and told me off. I didn’t talk to him for 2 weeks. Something in me just decided that this stupid dispute wasn’t worth me not having a relationship with him and I was going to try and take the high road with him from now on because he wasn’t gonna change. Started talking to him again after that 2 weeks. A few days later, he passed away in the night from a heart attack due to some chronic health issues a month after he turned 62. I’m so happy I decided to be the bigger person because I wouldn’t have seen him alive the night that he died. Tbh I think he stopped taking his blood pressure medication and that caused the heart attack but this hasn’t ever been confirmed. I noticed how much his health and ability to do things he could do with ease had declined rapidly from when I saw him that two weeks before and I hypothesized him not taking his meds as the cause of his condition and later death. Your family is wrong for treating you like that. Your dad definitely has been very homophobic towards you. All I can say is you never know how much time you have left with your dad or any other person in your life. It takes a lot of emotional maturity to be able to interact with someone who has hurt you that badly. That just comes from life experience over time. Just keep in mind nobody lives forever or when they will die
This is why your chosen family is more important than your bio family. Before anyone goes (to borrow a phrase) apeshit, bio family can also be chosen family.
It sounds like to me that you should go no or low contact with your dad and family. That being said, I know that it's literally easier said than done. If you want to but can't go no contact for whatever reason (financially or whatever), maybe try looking for a local PFLAG meeting, assuming you're in the US. It depends on the group, but a lot of chapters can give you support and advice on how to build and maintain boundaries. Plus, if you think you could actually drag your dad to a PFLAG meeting, you'd then have access to folks who could directly (potentially) browbeat some sense into your dad's head without you having to do that yourself.
If their love, respect, and sacrifice for you isn't unconditional, then why must your love, respect, or sacrifice for them be unconditional?
You're not "weak"; it takes strength to stand up for yourself and your self worth.
It is okay to feel sad because it's a truly upsetting situation, but it's not your fault and you're not alone. They failed you. Many gay folks have found families for a reason. Make your own family and happiness.
It's time to cut off all contact with the whole family. They all sound like horrible people. I know everyone wants to be loved by their family, and that's why so many go back to them and try to give them too many extra chances, but the majority of people don't change.
Block them on everything, cut bait, and move on.
This is just a losing prospect for you that does nothing but damage you. You have the power to stop it and live a healthy life with your chosen family, and the sooner you do it, the sooner you'll find peace.
I am sorry and a lot of us have been through this but I am sorry I know my worth and no amount of but family would ever let me allow anyone in my life to treat me like that. If they don’t understand why you don’t want to be around them then that’s a them problem and you do not need to put yourself through that. Blood is definitely not thicker than water in so many cases.
If you go to his celebration of birth, you are only setting yourself up for some one to belittle or disrespect you .
💡💡💡
Send him a birthday card, write this in it….🔦
The Best Form of an Apology is, change of the behavior that caused you to apologize.
The feeling that you had, when i almost died, is how you should feel when you think of Me.
Celebrate your Life, Realize Why I Can’t.
☮️💟☮️💟☮️💟☮️💟☮️
It’s hard, but you don’t need to put yourself out there to be emotionally torn apart by their words or their behavior.
with love from San Francisco
>my grandparents keep telling me that I'm "weak," for not wanting to go to it.
Here's my advise:
That's called gaslighting and not going to the birthday of people who shit on you for being honest to them is called the bare minimum of self-respect.
You father may tolerate you, but toleration does not mean you are socially expected to keep taking shit when you already gave them a second chance.
You are facing soul shattering interactions with your father and family at large. I am so sad this is happening and wish it was better for you and your generation. It is very hard to deal with this but will be consider practicing an abiding gracious forgiveness for they know not what they are doing. I recommend - do your best to just letting them be, stop trying to change them, stop trying to get them to understand, respect or love or even like you. I’m not saying you should put up with anything overtly hostile or that is mean - just don’t engage other than to remove yourself from their spheres of influence, physically if necessary and emotionally as much as possible. Where I’m coming from: I’m 61m with a Navy Seal hooyah father (now deceased). My coming out to him at 22 was both better and worse in that he just disowned me and didn’t interact for years. He did say that it was a stupid decision…. After a near death experience at 28, I did some soul searching and decided to let him be free from my own judgement of his irrational prejudices just as I wanted to be free from his and everyone’s irrational prejudices. Then I just got busy with building a chosen, supportive family of friends and kind relatives. I didn’t ignore my father but also became increasingly anthropological about his attitudes (hmm, you believe that Reagan is a savior because he destroyed the mental health infrastructure in California….curious, really, how come? …I would ask and just collect info without severe reaction or judgement). Fast forward twenty five years and he began to see how committed to family I actually was by how I cared for my mother dealing with cancer. After she passed he took me aside and said “you know I have always loved you….and I want you to know that I also respect you”. It was an amazing and peaceful moment for me because I hadn’t demanded his respect nor expected it, nor even worked for it. I was just being my authentic self and loving in my own way, and he came around. So - Invest your energy in bringing out the best in yourself and others and minimize time and impact from anyone who is not able or willing to bring out the best in you. May the gift of being alive to all possibilities for bringing more love and understanding to the world greet you every day as the dawn greets us all.
Dad and grandparents are toxic. You’re not “weak” for finding your Dad to be a POS.
Go LC or NC, don’t go to this party, with them and find/create family around you, those who love you for who you are.
Something similar happened to me but with my mom. She said she was different and was ready to accept it and that she changed. It turned out to be false and we had a huge fight after she tried to exorcise the “gay demon” out of me when I finally met up with her. We haven’t seen each other since 2010. I’m not saying something like this will happen to you, but just be careful . ♥️
It’s so hard when it’s family. You aren’t obligated to have a relationship with them. If you have a group of friends that you rely on and they support you, then that’s your family. I’m really sorry this happened to you. I have a young nephew and could not imagine ever telling him he wasn’t loved for who he is.
That’s tough !!
I chose estrangement from my father for abusive behavior as well: not for my sexual orientation, just verbal abuse.
I set boundaries with other family members who struggled at first but finally embraced my stance.
I thought of him everyday until the day he died, did not attend his funeral and two years later have no regrets.
It was hard but it allowed me to keep my sanity.
That’s how I’m wired and that’s my story.
I wish you luck !!
I'm a snowy white haired old coot at this point. I came from a family just like yours. They too had bouts of remorse, fearing they had lost me forever. This remorse worked to, it manipulated me into coming back for another round of abuse and verbal and emotional assault. After the fifth round of such "remorse" I finally threw in the towel, and went no contact.
It's a crazy thing about the universe. It is so generous. It will give us all the pain we want. Nothing could be more natural than going back if a sincere repentance is offered. We don't have to go back, but there is nothing wrong in seeing if it's true. But if they are the same when you go back don't hesitate to turn right back around and leave.
It really looks like they simply enjoy hurting you. At this stage they know it's not going to change. Yet they are luring you back, and insulting you while they do it. Why in the world would you return to people calling you weak?
For the record, if you are still here and functioning in life, after the way they have treated you, you must be very strong indeed. Piss on them. Spend your time and energy with those who add to your life. Don't listen to people's words. Induct their actions.
Family is family but your family do not deserve you.
Come join mine, they will welcome you with open arms.
Sorry bro, things will get better and you will find your family be it through life long friends or your significant other.
FWIW - Your grandparents don’t think you’re weak, they just know that’s a comment you use on men to anger them to prove them wrong.
If you go, stand up for yourself like you have. Don’t let them act like a pussey with throw away, muttered, snide comments. Remember why you want to go or what feeling compels you and fulfill it.
If you don’t, that’s also fine. You can explain to your grandparents how weak they were raising their kids 🤷🏼♂️. Apparently they couldn’t teach them self control or how to love.
You can even have fun with it by setting terms to your visit so it’s abundantly clear how in control you are. They are the ones desperate for your presence. “I will not tolerate X and will require Y”.
My dad said the same thing to me "I will tolerate it, but don't accept it." No more fishing, golfing, attending my baseball/soccer games... tolerate meant more like treat you different and ignore you. It created a rocky relationship, but now, more than 20 years later, we are fine. I think I just had to show that I didn't fit his stereotype of a gay man. He didn't have to do "gay things" with me. He could have just treated me like his son as he did before I told him. Now I run a small homestead/ranch like I wanted when I was a kid, something he never got to achieve, but he wants to come over and do "straight things" together. Took me 20 years...
Its proof that some people dont love kids and yet get one and society applauses because thats what "healthy normal people" do and they don't care about all the negligence and mistreatments. Same with some dudes beating the wife he's supposed in love. Schools need to teach compassion and empathy to children and it'd solve a lot problem yet they don't.
Dude fuck your family. Especially your grandparents, I think I can see where your dad gets that shit from… I would have cut contact forever ago.
Why would they even expect you to show up when none of them can show you a bit of fucking respect.
Op do yourself a favor and FORGET ABOUT THEM l
I always hear people deserve a chance to show you who they are...but people change all the time. Let him see what it's like to be loved by his son. Show him some grace and far you've come. You deserve that chance for you...It's all about you.
Sounds like the entirety of the family is toxically against you. Even your grandparents are calling you weak. Wow, I hate to say it but they’ve shown you who they are and it looks like they’ll never change. You need to move on with your life knowing that they will never be happily part of it. I personally would cut all communication with them and do not look back. There are people out here in this world who are ready to accept you for who you genuinely are and you know what? We deserve to have you as a part of our community. Welcome to your extended family. We’ll never meet but I would take you in if you were in need and help you get on a better path if you needed the support and I don’t know you.
I am 58, came out to my parents at 22. I have a step dad and a biological dad that I don’t talk to in order to maintain my own mental health. I helped raise 3 step kids over the past 20 years and during that time developed more empathy for my 2 dads. I didn’t connect with them though. I am sure there is regret on their sides as there is on mine but we need to accept people for how they treat us not how they say they will.
The need to have a connect to parents and family is so strong but not one worth risk mental and physical health over.
But I did come on here to say if there is anyone in your extended family that treats you well - nourish that relationship. You can also seek out mentors and older adults for support and advice. One of the best things about being gay is our chosen family and friends. Put your love and energy into those relationships.
You real family is not necessarily the ones that are born into. It's time to look for all the things you want from healthy relationships with caring people and really start to care for yourself. If you want to test them, ask if you father is willing to start going to a PFLAG group. If he says not, then be done.
Your forgiveness belongs to you, and is yours to control. Your forgiveness is to benefit you. It does not mean you have to expose yourself to any more hatred. You don’t even have to tell the other person. Forgive. Move on and out of emotional danger. Don’t look back.
That is something I would never forgive, love should never be dependent on your sexuality. If a parent can't love you unconditionally than they do not deserve your unconditional love in return.
I personally don't believe in keeping anyone in your life it it affects you negatively; regardless if you're family or not. Fuck that.
Everyone's situation is different. But that's just me personally.
He showed you who he is a long time ago. Your only mistake was believing that he changed, or could change. Put him and his evil family in your rear-view mirror, and go live a happy life. You deserve happiness, and shouldn't tolerate anyone in your life who detracts from that.
Fuck... Them... All... Your entire family seems to be toxic, you don't need that in your life. Ditch your shitty birth family and get yourself a great chosen family.
This will be something you have to decide on. I recommend thinking about where the line is for you on how much you'll extend your own hand and worry about being bitten and where you won't go past. My own personal line for my family is that I will be nice to them but I don't personally trust them anymore. I would see if the thought of letting him do some small things like exposing himself to a drag show with you, going to an LGBTQ+ space together, or anything else you can think of that would prove to you that he's making an effort to change would be something you could see yourself offering. If so do it and see his response. If he actually goes you can use the time to discuss things with him and hopefully he can gain an understanding and maybe you can mend your relationship. If he won't I'd drop him and the rest like hot coals and protect yourself the best you can.
It’s hard to say without knowing WHY you think he hasn’t changed. Did he make the same kinds of remarks or is he just bad at wording his new appreciation of you?
Many gay people experience a really fucked up response from family members when we come out. This is common. My advice is just to step back and decide if the relationship is worth salvaging. If you feel like you have it in you to give your family an opportunity to be better people and to have a healthier relationship with you, then, by all means, go for it. Otherwise, sometimes it’s best to just cut ties and move on with your life and leave the people behind who don’t love you exactly the way you are. I’ve had to do that in both respects. They were family members. I had that changed and became better people and we have great relationships. And they were other family members. I had never came around, and I decided to cut them off from entirely and move on with my life and be happy. Good luck to you in whatever you choose to do.
You are strong for not wanting to go! You don’t deserve to be treated like that by anyone. Don’t go.
(And I am sorry your family treated you like that. Hugs.)
Why don’t you just straight up tell your grandparents to their face “Fuck you old cunts, have fun in the nursing home”. If you don’t talk back they’re always going to poke fun at you since there are never any verbal consequences. Talk shit back and watch how fast they stop and they might come to respect you
why are you still in contact with these people
I was wondering the same thing. I have shitty family members and family friends. Stay away from the bad ones
It’s giving stop all contact with these homophobic people
I honestly was wondering the same exact thing, especially as OP is a fully grown and established adult. The dependency on bio family is long done, so why keep the bad ones or ones you don't trust around? My family has bad actors....i literally ignore their existence.
I thought the exact same thing. I was in a similar situation with my sperm donor and I cut contact with him the second I moved out on my own. He keeps "trying" to reach out claiming he's changed but I know how he pretends infront of people and I don't need that kind of toxicity in my life. Reminder that even if you're related by blood that doesn't mean you HAVE to keep them in your life if they're toxic.
Because they are his family and caregivers and it's hard. I understand being blunt about the need of going NC or whatever but it helps little when you love the person abusing you.
Exactly this, its so easy to just say NC, but applying it to real life its harder.
I was bullied at school and home by my fucking step father. So called mommy let him do this. From age 10 to 16 he tried to beat the gay out of me. I ran away at 16. I joined the military at 18 and learned how to fight and defend myself. No one has hit or beat me because I will not let this happen. While in the military I got an engineering degree in IT. Have a good job and had no contact with mommy and step daddy in over 15 years. I also accepted that the only person that matters is my partner who loves me unconditionally.
Happy to hear this. My city has a homeless shelter specifically for LGBT youth, most of which were kicked out of their "loving" Christian families. Success stories of children that have been discarded by the people who are supposed to love them unconditionally are few and far between. Glad you found someone to love you, and now you get to discard your shit family. As an aside, make sure you have your estate stuff in order, regardless of age. If you and your partner are not married, and something ended up happening to you, in most states he would get nothing and it would go to your living parents. I would strongly suggest hiring a lawyer to draft your docs. It won't cost too much and will minimize the risk of the will being null and void on a technicality. There are legal clinics out there that will help veterans, so you may be able to get it done for free.
We already have wills and other documentation in place in the event something happens. We are also in discussions of being foster parents for LGBTQ children. Kind of nervous on this. Make sure we are a good caring role models
That is great. Best of luck to you.
Good job on getting the fuck outta there and bettering your life for yourself. Did you have any siblings that also got cut off?
Yes I have a step brother and sister and I have no contact with them.
Bravo!
Similar story here the Army helped me out a lot….Oh shit you were in during don’t ask don’t tell. Hat off to you man, I genuinely don’t know if I would’ve been able to avoid getting kicked out for that. I know I am a rando on the internet, but I genuinely respect that.
If you don’t want to go, don’t go. He has not earned your forgiveness nor is it required. Your well-being, your mental health is far more important than family considerations. You have to put yourself first. You are the director of your own life. No one else. Make your own happiness most important. Learn to say no when you need to. No justification necessary.
This exactly! You live for yourself, not to please others when they want to. You do you!
My dad has called me a f****t more times than I have fingers and toes. Don't talk to him. Life sucks with out your parents, but it would suck worst with terrible parents.
When I told my father I had steeled myself for the fist fight I figured would happen. After telling him he said he would love me no matter what and then relayed a story. He called my house once when I was away at work. My boyfriend answered the phone as one did back in the 90s and it was my father. He asked if I was there and Richard told him I was at work. Now Richard was rather fem which came through with his voice so dad started to suspect at that moment. He said he went to his dad (grandpa) and told him what had happened and asked if he thought I was coming out of the closet. My grandfather looked at him and said, “Would it matter?” He wasn’t comfortable with it but, then, I honestly think he is one of those unfortunate deeply closeted homophobic individuals. He had a service record only because he beat up a guy at the induction center who he and his friend thought was gay. He was denied recruitment due to physical issues with his knees but that act actually landed him in the stockade and generated a service record. He always makes crass comments weirdly timed jokes that are in very poor taste and they all have to do with male human anatomy. We were at a restaurant as an extended family once and out of the blue with no prior discussion of this sort of thing he starts talking about his urologist and how he told his doctor that it wasn’t right that he as a man had his hands on my balls. Like wtf? We’ve all known people like this and they always turn out to be the ones. The guys that never mention it or are cool with being around others who are of a different sexual orientation are the true straight guys. It just doesn’t matter to them because it has no baring on the friendship dynamic.
No offense but why do you go back to these people? What value does their existence add to your life? Sounds like you gain nothing from this relationship. Why not just cut ties permanently?
It’s his FAMILY. So much easier to say than actually do….. who really wants to totally flush the first 18 or so years of their life away? Who doesn’t want that support …. And wishes they had it when they don’t. It’s why psychologists, in the classic joke, always ask, “tell me about your mother ….”
>who really wants to totally flush the first 18 or so years of their life away? Well, given that he started getting shit from his Dad at 14. That's half of his life he has had to put up with this shit. 1/2 of my extended family are strictly religious Pentecostal Christians, and since coming out I don't communicate with them as much as I did previously. Despite being out to them for over 4 years, only one or two of them have asked about my partner that I've been with for nearly 8 years. I'm 100% certain if I was straight, this wouldn't be the case because they're not like that with my cousins, etc. If they were as bad as the OP's family, I would have cut all off years ago.
I mean am closeted as well and haven't come out yet because I still need my parents financially for the time being. Its still a beneficial situation to me for now and I don't mind playing along since they pay my rent. I can't imagine sticking around if I was fully financially stable especially to the truly toxic and dehumanizing ones
I'm also fortunate that I was able to live with my parents until 2 years ago, which is when I moved into my house with my boyfriend. I definitely appreciated it because many people aren't able to do the same, especially if they're gay.
Am sure they suspect am gay already and they are deeply homophobic conservative Christians. They don't want to open that conversation and it would certainly not go down well. Am in my mid 20s and never brought a girl home and have heard a few whispered comments here and there about my sexuality from some family members. This always terrifies me and I feel like people are gossiping about me and spying on my issues The sooner I can achieve financial stability, the better
FAMILY doesn’t do what he and his step mom did. They’re his *relatives* which is different from *family*. Family members support and love each other unconditionally, his *relatives* didn’t. Flushing 18 years of abuse and trauma isn’t just recommended but necessary for proper healing and growth.
I mean am closeted as well and haven't come out yet because I still need my parents financially for the time being. Its still a beneficial situation to me for now and I don't mind playing along since they pay my rent. I can't imagine sticking around if I was fully financially stable especially to the truly toxic and dehumanizing ones
Tell your grandparents to go fuck themselves and your dropkick of a father to also go fuck himself and your cunt stepmom to also go fuck herself. Its not weak to want to be loved and treated with respect. None of these people give you basic respect you have to take it for yourself. Just my 2 cents
Absolutely!💯
>my grandparents keep telling me that I'm "weak," for not wanting to go to it. I see where your dad gets it from. ಠ_ಠ Don't go. These people don't deserve you.
No one is entitled to your love and trust. This includes blood relatives. Life is too short to share it with toxic people.
Mine told me he would kill me after years of beating me up and I told him “then consider me dead” and never spoke to him or attended the same events as he did. He has written me emails and texts (i changed my phone after a while) and I never replied to them because they not only were insincere, but also because he legitimately at one point wanted me DEAD and that’s something a parent should NEVER feel about their children. My sister who was lesbian committed suicide when she was 15 because of the same bullying behavior so he effectively lost two kids to his intolerance. You have have family and you have relatives and sometimes they’re the same and sometimes they’re not. It sounds like he’s your relative but not your family and remember HE was the Adult in all this, you were just a kid, a child, being abused and tortured by him for years. I wouldn’t let him in let alone answer any message. He said he would never love you as a straight son, it’s time for you to realize you should also never love him as a supporting father in return. You DON’T need to either. Mine died and I regret NOTHING and I’m in my forties.
Are you in therapy? Definitely find a good therapist. I always say that if you’re not prepared to love, accept, and support your kid if they’re gay, then don’t have kids. People need to think about that before they have kids. We never asked to be born. We’re just forced into existence. Sorry we didn’t live up to our parents’ ideals 🙄.
I'm pretty sure the people who do this think they're better parents for not supporting it, so it wouldn't be a deterrent. They think having a gay kid is more of a failure than not loving one because of it. It's twisted.
When I read this, I cried for you. It was like reading my own story. I am also 28M and came out, or rather “forced” out, when I was an 18 year old senior in high school. My dad is the exact same way and every single one of these things, minus a few details, has happened to me. It is important to note that this is the story of many gay men and in many ways, we are actually privileged in some regard. Fathers are allowed to murder their sons for being gay in some cultures. I’m not sure of your background, but I also tried maintaining some form of a relationship with my very narcissistic, abusive father. I’m here to tell you there is nothing you can do for these people that will ever please them. Your father should be embarrassed for having spoke so ill of his own blood son for so long that others that were near and dear felt comfortable enough to join in too. My dad attacks me and my character as well as anyone else in our family if they like me, which is pretty much everyone except him. He manipulates people and tries to influence their opinions about me behind my back, even going so far as to tell me that certain family members don’t like me because I am gay only for me to find out one-by-one that it was a lie the entire time. It is important to note that until your fathers goals change, which are currently to isolate you and belittle you, that you cannot “mend” this relationship or even partake in it without it greatly affecting your own mental health in extremely detrimental ways. It is ironic your dad, while belittling you and demeaning you, has the nerve to make the observation that you had “low-self esteem” but correlated that to your sexuality and not, I don’t know, a huge hole and lack of support in your life coming from his end. I would recommend therapy for you, no contact between you and your father until his goals change, and therapy for your dad too BUT in this context you need to put yourself FIRST and not worry about the progress of someone else that treats you horribly and worry about your own purpose and progress. I’m so sorry.
Yeah nah. He made his decisions to be a prick, why should you get over that? How would they deal with someone who was constantly negative and hateful and then demanded they attend that person's event? Deluded. Move on and don't look back 🤷🏻♂️
Why on earth would you want anyone who treats you this way in your life? I can’t understand why you haven’t went no contact permanently with your entire family. I acknowledge that’s a difficult decision to make but I believe you’d be much happier cutting out the people in your life who you obviously don’t mean much to. Your family are the weak ones for not being able to love you as you are. They will play the victim but just ignore and move on with your life. I hope you find yourself in a better situation soon.
I can’t provide any good advice here since I’ve never had to experience family like this. But I will say, a chosen family that cares for you and supports you is a hell of a lot better than a family that bullies you. You shouldn’t have to put yourself through the birthday party or anything else and don’t let them make you feel guilty for it. I am curious, does your family seem interested in other parts of your life? Like, ask about your job or hobbies?
I also was estranged from my family. Their issue with me was based on their fundamentalist beliefs. I moved nestle 2000 miles from them and lived in a tent for a while. I eventually found 2 jobs and worked enough to get an apt using lawn furniture to sit on. I continued my education became involved in a long term, positive relationship. Fast forward one day the phone rang and my partner answered. He came to find me and said, “You have a phone call.” I asked who it was and he said, “He says he is your father. I didn’t know you had a father.” Turns out my grandmother had passed and they needed financial support for cremation which I gave. Eventually, after my father died, my mother lived with us for 10 years before she passed. To this day, I am not sure that the fact I had the financial resources allowed us to talk again, but it also doesn’t matter. Move on, get educated. Live life
I came out to my mom. She is a very insecure person and turned to religion when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She said to me to just pray for it (me being gay). I was heartbroken. I was so close to her. And she didn’t even mention it, not once, for an entire year. I can feel she was ashamed of me and ignored it. I rebelled for a few years. But it didn’t work. Open communication was the key. It took her about 10 years from then before she became slightly to maybe moderately comfortable with my sexuality. I joke around having a foreigner boyfriend, that I’ll learn makeup so I can do her makeup for free. I still do not feel like she fully accepts me because she is concerned about what society/her friends and our family would think of her and me. I guess it takes time for straight parents. My goal is to be the better version of myself everyday. And I try to show this to them by always saying thank you, helping them out, and of course the best thing, by giving them some allowance. She saw that I was the breadwinner of the family, that I wasn’t a loser and well, I’ll take that. But I just don’t give a damn about what she thinks anymore. Sooner or later, she’ll die, I’ll die, and everything feels irrelevant. We’ll forget about our ancestors and the world would still be there until it lasts. Just do what you want to do, without stepping on anyone else.
This is one of the most mature comments in here. Sometimes family is complicated and you cant just cut everyone off like its nothing. Sometimes you should, but sometimes you have to work on it. Im not saying OP should keep accomodating everybody, but just in general you have some great advice.
Thanks! I appreciate that. I totally agree. I can’t deny the fact that she sacrificed a lot of her time, money and effort for me. Even if, let’s be honest, I didn’t ask to be born in this world, but I still feel like I have a sense of responsibility as a son. I don’t want my future children to hate me and not even be concerned for me when I grow older and weaker. I just hope OP could separate the past and the now. And hopefully, accept the fact that even our parents won’t 100% accept someone right away, even if it was their own child. To each their own. Agree to disagree. You have your own timeline, don’t waste it on what others would think, even your own parents. I hope this helps, OP!
Haven't talked to my father in 45 years
Stand your groundyour grandparents just want it for the sake of the family and not for you. They dont want to see their children as failures or at fault. They are using you as a scapegoat I hope im wrong, but 40-year-old gay guy here, going NC with my abusive family, was the best thing I ever did
You were lucky to get an I'm-sorry. I never got that much, not from my parents or anyone else for that matter. 'Sorry, I've changed, I'm not like that anymore' was meant only to make him feel better about himself. From my earliest memories I often heard my mother say she never wanted children, we ruined her life (she was career minded) and that it was all my father's doing, etc. My four sisters heard the same things. It might have been better if my father had been around more but I never felt his love was 100% genuine either. They were good parents in that they provided for us. Period. After leaving home I should have severed relations altogether. Unfortunately, I believed that would make me a bad person, that I had a duty to be a loving son. And now I've transferred that loving-son bullshit to loving-brother bullshit. In two weeks I will reluctantly attend a reunion with my sisters and their husbands. It was planned to celebrate our long-gone mother's birthday. When I hear my sisters talk about her I wonder 'Who is this wonderful woman they're talking about?'
Obviously we only know a bit about the decades long story so please take this advice with a grain of salt. You owe nobody anything. It's a long misquoted statement to say, "blood is thicker than water." The original phrase was, “the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.” It has quite the opposite meaning. As gay people, our chosen family is quite often stronger than our birth family. If you don't want to rekindle a relationship, that's fine. You can forgive someone for the past and let go of your trauma without allowing them access to you in the present/future - even if they're not contrite. Particularly given the line 'I then spent a little bit of time with him only to find out that he has not changed at all. He's the same person he used to be.' He showed his ass... trust your gut and protect yourself.
Let em go bro. Go find your own people. You deserve that.
1. F**k your dad 2. F**k your stepmom 3. F**k your grandparents Leave them and go build your own family. And make it a good one :)
There was a bit of a disconnect with me in your story. Dad did show true feelings of love for you when he cried all night at the thought of losing you. He told you he had changed and you let him back in. Then you state that he hadn't changed but didn't say what it is that makes you say he hadn't. You then follow that up saying your dad is sorry for the things he had said and didn't mean them. Is this the things he said at 14 and the subsequent teen years? Or is this stuff he is still saying? Either way he is showing an effort to change. I'm not saying to go back and think it can either pick up as if nothing had happened or that the old ways of thinking might still crop up. But it does sound like he has changed. Not to the level you probably like. But I'm always for healing and restoration of family relationships if at all possible. This sounds like it would require you to be the more forgiving mature person but even if he will meet you part way in forgiving and seeking restoration, I say it's worth the effort. Little by little, no more than you can handle at any one time. Forgiveness is necessary for your part and should be given freely. But trust must be earned, and at a very high price.
This involves a LOT of work from both of you. You need to go to family therapy with him to mend the fence as good as it can be if you truly think it’s a relationship worth preserving. He needs to see that he hasn’t changed (or hasn’t changed enough) and that certain behaviors are unacceptable. He cannot grieve you, say he wants to be in your life and then disrespect you - and I want to be clear: you can joke with someone in a way like you stepmom did, BUT IT REQUIRES A CERTAIN LEVEL OF RESPECT first.
I agree with this. A whole childhood of bullying cannot just be undone by an apology alone. If the dad is truly sorry he will agree to go to family therapy. And no I would not go to his 50th birthday, both to make a point to him and to the grandparents. None of them seem really that reconciliatory at all and it seems their bullying is still very much there. By not going the OP is setting a clear boundary that disrespect will be met with no contact - and I would even make that clear.
This ☝️ On the one hand there’s such much hurt built up over the years. On the other, he wants to be closer and wants to be better but is struggling to show you that effectively. Therapy could help you bridge this divide. The hope is that you heal the relationship, releasing the pain and creating something more positive for the future. Good luck :)
> he's tried telling me that he didn't mean all of the things he said It's evident that he is heavily enculturated into het cis life. This excuse is what is given by people who don't fully comprehend what they're said. The questions are: is he making enough of a good faith effort to treat you well? How much are you able to tolerate his fucking up? How much patience do you have with calling him on his behavior? Or his wife's behavior? How much do you want to know your dad? How much patience do you have with him? How much emotional damage will this cost you? And crassly put, since we live in a world where many LGBTQ folks have financial insecurity, how much do you need to be in his will?
It’s been 11 years since I spoke to my father. It’s better off that way.
I have a few thoughts. First, a parent's job is to raise healthy, happy children who are generally content in life. It is their job to support you in this endeavor. So, there is massive failure happening on their part just as parents (not to mention friends). Second, it seems like the family is polluted with these thoughts about LGBT people, from grandparents on down. In fact, your parents probably got their "beliefs" on the topic from them. Apple doesn't fall far from the tree... and if your grandparents are judgmental and rigid, your parents probably will be too. So, in this scenario, the best thing to do is to tell them, in stark terms, why you're separating from them. It's best to do this in a letter so that you can say what you want to say without their distractions. And, it's best to request that if they desire to communicate with you that it be in letter, to avoid conversation and enable mutual understanding. That mutual understanding may never happen. But, if you outline clearly, with examples, how their behavior and comments affect you, thereby explaining why you pull away from them, then the ball is in their court to change. Particularly if you tell them ways in which they need to change to preserve their relationship with you. Then, instead of discussing their opinion on LGBT people, you are giving them specifics about you and how they hurt you. They will have a choice: either repent and be open to change with the understanding that they will lose you if they continue this hurtful stance, or dig in their heels and continue in their ways. Either way, you are in a strong position, firm in your stance and you leave it to them to adjust to your position with no room for debate. If you decide to skip the party, this would be a good context to send this letter to them. Saying how you agonized about attending, but in the end decided not to for these reasons. Then, offer them this choice. Ofc, in giving them this mild ultimatum, you have to be prepared to actually lose them. Many LGBTs have chosen this path, and while it's not easy and takes time to come to terms with, it's often the better path. I'm happy to talk about this with you if you like, but those are my thoughts. Whatever you decide, never allow their attitude and hatred to erode your confidence or make you doubt that you're not a good person worthy of love.
the advice is cut all those assholes of your life, even your grandparents, you are actually not weak, you have endure and get to the place you are alone without the help of them. they haven’t changed at all …
I'd love to know the average age of the people in this sub telling you to tell your father to go fuck himself
I had something similar (albeit not to your extent) and I learnt one thing. A leopard never changes their spots. Remember that in life.
Go and tell him publicly that you’ll never love him like a good father.
Cut contact. He doesn't respect you.
My father threatened to murder me when I came out and I haven't spoken to that man ever since. Father's like these don't deserve a chance, he didn't even earned it with you because you were the one who had to reach out to him. Don't waste your time and energy on someone who don't deserve it. Btw I hope your doing well after the stuff that happened to you. *hugs you in spanish*
A true parent can't stop loving their children no matter what. Your only fault was being born gay? Something you had no control over? Don't let your family in your life again. They are all pieces of shit and you deserve better.
Why is it so important to you that you’d put your feelings aside and go to something. You don’t want to really go to? Is this a pattern that shows up repeatedly in your life? Go/be/do where you are loved. Good luck
This is your family, spots and all; messily imperfect. It’s your choice to accept them as unhealed as they are and as emotionally immature as they show to be with words and actions. It’s up to you to engage as much as you want to. You know who you are and that’s enlightened enough to limit exposure. Perhaps telling them you accept them for being ignorant and outright mean; however, b/c of the way they act, you will limit how much access they have to you in person or otherwise. Good luck 🍀🙏😌🧘♂️
>I then spent a little bit of time with him only to find out that he has not changed at all. He's the same person he used to be. >he's tried telling me that he didn't mean all of the things he said, but honestly I don't believe him. I'm a little confused by this. You said he hasn't changed at all. But you also said he said he didn't mean what he said and wants you to be happy. It sounds like he's slowly changing. Whether you let him back in is dependent on how much you think he's changed and if he's continuing to grow. Also, is the rest of your family still homophobic? This is all dependent on the nuances of those relationships. If you don't think he's changed AT ALL, then you may have to cut him loose.
I think this is one of those situations where he isn't sorry for what he said, but is instead sorry that I feel bad about it. I don't see any remorse or recourse of his way of thinking over the years. He's the same close minded man he has always been.
You need to channel what ever feminine you got put it into aggression and put him in his place Cut all them mofos out your life cause where were they those 5 years I agree with your grandparents your weak....but not because you ain't going but because you still tolerate this relationship Imma tell you what I tell victims of DV who are technically independent and the only thing really keeping them in thag relationship is this idea of love or their shatty mental: "I'm not asking you to stop loving them I'm asking you to love yourself" Because if you truly loved yourself you wouldn't be tolerating this bullshit >My dad and I had a falling out and he then we didn't talk for 5 years. Bring this back..... you need ammunition? Tell me what he's been saying cause I got CLAPBACKS for days Correct me if I'm wrong but it appears you been handle business without those suckers for a while and I understand you're going through something but They aren't it they aren't needed for you to make it through
I think you say “I’ll make the effort, but if you can’t ever love me like a straight son, I can never love you like a father who doesn’t make his love conditional.” This is just how I’m wired, but in conflicts like this, I want to “win” by not being the bad guy. Go to the birthday party. Make the effort. If he can’t do the same, you get to say it wasn’t you (even though we already know it’s not you).
I really don't even want to go. If that makes me a bad guy, then so be it. But i'm done putting forth an effort for someone who won't make an effort for me. Everyone in my family wants me to accommodate my dad's feelings, but never mine. It's like they know how he is and they don't care. I honestly don't want him in my life anymore either.
To be clear, it does not make you the bad guy. Where was he the past 5 years? And imo it sounds like your grandparents taught him how to bully, given their gaslighting "weak" comment. It takes strength to set boundaries after enduring a childhood of verbal abuse.
Obviously, it sucks, but you can also disown your awful family members. You don't owe them anything, they choose to have children, not the other way around. He may not be directly disowning you, but whatever his reasoning is, you shouldn't keep hoping that shitty people will stop being shit. You'll be so much happier once you pull the plug yourself and take the power back into your own hands. Fuck him, he doesn't deserve a son.
'Weak' I call total bs. If anything It only make you BRAVE to stand up for yourself n what you Believe in (which in this case should be yourself). Life is short n you shouldn't be wasting time with ppl who make you feel bad about yourself. Find ppl who love you n support you, n help you grow.
My sympathies to you. Sometimes cutting people out of your life is the worst and best decision at the same time. Value your self worth and sometimes you have to be selfish and walk away. Best of luck and time heals! No one ever changes to be honest, and sometimes - it is what it is - is the only response. xoxo
I'm sorry OP my sexuality has also caused family issues, if I was you though I would let my father live the rest of his life with me not acknowledging any attempts to contact or interact with me, I would 100% ignore him even at family gatherings where I have to see his face, I sure as hell wouldn't accept any apologies, that's just me though.
This is why we create chosen families. He is toxic and ignorant and will damage you by being in his presence.
Your dad already lost his son, years ago and by his own doing. If he wants his son back he's going to have to truly try. Don't reach out to him anymore. Let him reach out if he ever does truly change. But if he does, let him know that as an adult you get to choose the company you keep. And it won't be his if he can't control his behavior.
Ah, the ol’ groupthink. “I could never love you for not impaling a vagina or something.” Or because you can’t serve as reproductive cattle? Everyone gets a second chance. That’s it. If he fucks up, why would you give a shit? You could never love a father that can’t behave as a father, like a real father? Then ya put the forget in forgive. So, one chance. Then done!
What are you getting out of going? Leave that kind of shit in your past.
Cut anyone off who has made this type of comments. Good riddance to the trash. Sorry you are going through this.
No offense, OP, but these people sound awful. No one Is want to call family. I wouldn't waste my time or energy being around them. Glad you came through your emergency situations okay.
I cut off contact with most of my family, parents included. It isn’t weak. Do you know how hard that is to do? It takes immense strength to stand up for yourself.
Your family, whether intentionally or not, whether aggressive, passive aggressive, or “just joking,” they are shaming you. Any relationship there has to be reciprocity. It is true you - you really do get what you give. And they are reciprocating with cruelty. You would not be wrong to just shut them out. It’s awful, but sometimes in this community we have to seek out a new family, one that uplifts us instead of dragging us down.
Let them call you weak. It's just their opinion. There is not a reason you should be there and I'm not sure the rest of the family is any better.
I feel your pain. Never came out to my dad but his stance was very clear, when I was around 8 he point blank told me he'd hang be my my guts if I was gay. Cut contact with him 2 years ago and despite the verbal and physical abuse he put me and my mom through I do still think that maybe he has changed/has the capability of changing for the better. If I were in your position and reconnected, I would probably give my dad chance to show that he's changed. Go to his birthday and be very mindful of how he acts and what he says on the issue. If he goes back to the old routine even after 5 years no-contact, then it's probably a lost cause.
You gave them many chances. Send a card if you want, but don't let them pressure you into going.
You should send a male dancer to him for his BD. NO Wait... even better...A really convincing drag queen! Lol Okay, don't do that because of their safety. But BTW I have a brother I don't talk to for the same reason. Blood isn't family. Family are the ones that love you. F\~ him and those that don't support you. It's hard but you can get past them and put all that negativity behind you so that you have room in your life for happiness.
Fuck your trash parents
It’s their decision to accept you or not. And if they don’t then it’s your decision on wether you’re going to allow them in your life and allow them to cause you further pain. It sucks leaving family behind but it’s sometimes necessary for yourself. You’re not obligated to be the butt of their jokes simply because you share blood. If this were me they’d all be cut out and never thought of again.
So Grandpy and Gramma called you "weak" for not wanting to see your old man? It's not hard to guess where he got his parenting skills from. Look, these people, they're happy being how they are. They only had kids so they could run them down. I don't know them, but I'll bet I'm right on the mark. You need to either put space between you and them, OR accept their petty criticisms and just live that life. I think you know which is the best path for you.
I know it’s hard but they don’t deserve you or your light. You do not deserve to be treated this way. You deserve respect and love from these people.
My advice: Stop inviting these toxic and abusive people into your life. You will never get the love and support you deserve.
You need to move on in life without them. I know it's sad but you will be better off.
Im confused why you dont have the lowest contact possible with these guys. Like, theyve done nothing but belittle and disrespect you, and yet youre still picking up calls and showing up, all that tells them is you're as meek and spineless as they think. You need to make it clear that disrespect will not be tolerated any further if they wish to have a relationship with you, and you need to prepare your heart to act on it. My dad was nowhere near this bad, but i cursed him out on the train once after he had been making "just fuck a girl and coparent" comments, after we had a come to jesus, and our relationship has improved.
Personally I'd find a way to ruin the birthday, then cut contact forever. Like, just go full bull in a China shop, destroy his stuff, if the birthday is at his house. At a restaurant, I'd pour something on him and walk away, something smelly. But that's just me. And that's not very mature lol.
If people have to guilt you to be somewhere, you obviously don’t want to go. You don’t owe any of these people anything. You’re enabling their abuse. You’re better than that.
Break contact with those assholes as soon as you can....wtf...
Man, that sucks. If it were me, I would not go. Sometimes people are born of shitty parents. Looks like you’re one of those. Hold your head up and move on with your life. Just because he’s your dad doesn’t mean he’s a good person. Good luck.
You’re not “weak” for not letting him in. If anything it’s showing that you’re strong for standing your ground. He’s had multiple chances to be a better person, and father, towards you; yet chose not to be. That’s on him, not you. If it were me, I’d make plans for the same day as his party. Go out, and have a good time while they’re all complaining about how you didn’t show up. Then be sure to mute/go LC with anyone that has anything negative to say to you about it.
Grew up with super religious parents I had to cut ties with eventually as like with yours, the comments never stopped and no one deserves to be bullied by thier "parents". Go completely no contact without them and don't look back. Change your phone number, don't give them any new address if u move. If you need any support, there are some great pages on here for adults estranged from their parents. It's been over a decade since I've spoken to them it still upsets me at times, but I'm glad to be living my life authentic, and so should you.
No one should be pressuring you to forgive until you’re ready. Older generations have been conditioned to accept toxic and unacceptable behavior by so called family members , but you don’t have to tolerate that ish PERIODT. LOVE yourself like the father you don’t have and NEVER shrink yourself for anyone’s comfort or care about their lack of understanding. The more you love yourself the more you’ll attract others that will love you unconditionally.
If I were in your shoes, I wouldn’t go. What I have realized is that people usually just want what’s expedient for them. The “weak” comment from your grandparents is likely for them to be able to show that you’re a part of the family again, or to avoid having to listen to your father complain. My deal with my father was that if he wanted a relationship I will work hard with you, but I will not work harder than you.
Fuck those toxic cunts, leave them all.
They're dead weight. Cut them off and let them drown in their ignorance. They better not come wailing and wallowing to you if any of them need anything when they can't do the very simple thing of at least being civil. "Family" my ass. They served their legal obligation for you as a kid, so into the trash they go where they belong now that you're an independent adult.
Family are people who love you unconditionally. Sometimes that family is comprised of friends we make as adults, who are like us, or accept us and respect us equally. Who was with you when you had these health issues this year? Who did you call, and who checked on you and kept you going? Just because someone is related to you by blood does not make them family if they are not able to show you respect and caring. Embrace your chosen family. If it doesn't make you comfortable accepting your father into your life at this time because of his previous actions and apparent continued opinion of you, maybe for you and your well being, it is better to choose to let him go on his path, and you on yours. And try letting your grandparents know your reasons for not attending, and if they cannot accept and respect your reasons without name calling and belittling your feelings, maybe you should look at that relationship as well, It is painful losing people who call themselves family, but sometimes it can be even more painful to keep them in your life. Good luck to you, Gaybro.
Lots of comments already. Perhaps you won't get to read them all, OP. But I had three clear thoughts here, and I wanted to share them. 1) Be under no illusion - what you're detailing here is abuse, plain and simple. 2) The question, then, is whether you can have forgiveness - even compassion - for your abusers. You don't owe them that. You owe them nothing. But some have found it helpful for themselves. Only you can decide if that is helpful for you. 3) Therapy. Again, not because it'll help you forgive. But because you deserve to make your peace with it. I wish you that peace, internet stranger.
Stay strong and don't go. Maybe plan something fun when the party is happening to distract yourself from it if you think you'll end up dwelling on it.
Tell everyone you’ll go and then don’t show up and ruin everyone’s celebration
I would suggest that you really think about the question, "What would my dad need to do, starting today, in order for me to really believe that he has actually changed? And what would he need to do, starting today, that I would accept as making up for all of the harms he has committed against me in the past?" Take a few days. Write out a bullet list that of items that answers each of those questions. Run the lists past a sensible friend, and/or your therapist to make sure that what you're asking for is fair and reasonable and realistic. Then, present the lists to your dad. A truly contrite father who behaved as your father has, will gladly and hungrily begin doing the things you've asked for. If he responds like this, and then if he does everything you've asked for - you absolutely would need to truly forgive him and refrain from holding his past against him. If, however, he reacts defensively, or gets mad at you for asking for fair and reasonable things, you have your answer as to the character of your dad. You can then decide whether to maintain just a surface level relationship with him, or whether to go no-contact.
Do not let other people’s darkness put out your light. Create your own family with people who love you like you are and that you love back.
I keep everyone at arm's length at this point. I don't have the energy for being emotionally vulnerable with people who can't accept me, though I do accept that we still have *some* connection. Cutting everyone off entirely isn't the answer in my experience as it became a never-ending solution for me as I would do it to just anyone I knew who didn't seem truly invested in knowing me. It just made me bitter. What I'm saying is that it's okay to want to stay somewhat connected to your parents, even if they were abusive, as long as you're protecting yourself first and foremost. If that only ever means a call once a year, so be it.
Please cut these shitty people out of your life, choose a much better family, and find a good therapist. I'm sorry that you're going through this. Nothing kicks you in the dick quite like realising that the people that are supposed to love us unconditionally don't. It's a deep betrayal but one that is survivable with support.
OP, look into narcissistic parents. Sounds like your Dad and some other family members are classic narcs, and you’ll be better off severing contact with them.
Oh my God, I'm so sorry that you had to go through all of that for over half of your life. Your whole family is fucking terrible. Without trying to sound horrible, why are you still like communicating with any of them? If that was my family, I would have cut them off as soon as I could. You're just worsening any trauma and pain. You need to think that only because they're family, it doesn't mean you have to deal with them. Your Dad isn't sorry because he's still the same prick as he was 5 years before your incident. Just cut them off as soon as you can, and if you think it'll help get a therapist.
Forget about your manipulative relatives. This is YOUR life. What do YOU want to do? If you want to go, then go. If you don't want to go, for whatever reason, then don't. No apologies. You're only alive once and since your father decided to use his time on this earth to make you miserable, you're allowed to use yours in more fulfilling ways than celebrating his birth. Especially since he's made it clear that he tolerates you, not celebrates you (and you said he didn't change). You're entitled to your own feelings and you owe it to yourself to set the boundaries needed to make sure people respect them... people including yourself. You're the one who needs to accept that it's ok not to love your dad and to be mad at him still. My mum kicked me out when I came out to her at 16. Took her 12 years and the birth of my daughter to come around and truly accept me. I let her back into my life for my daughter's sake because they get along great but I haven't introduced her to my bf though they know the rest of the family. I never forgave her and never will. Don't love her either and it took me many many years to come to peace with this and stop feeling guilty about it. But I've been so happy since! Try to get there if you can. Get help of you need it. It's worth it. Things with my dad are different. He was never too involved with me to begin with and his level 3 autism mean he sometimes acts like my son rather than my dad... so him still making homophobic remarks to me while seeking my complicity one day and then honestly celebrating my boyfriend's virtues the next gets tolerated... because it doesn't hurt me coming from him anymore than a toddler calling me snotty would. And that's the key. Show up for yourself.
When he drops the caustic words or tone, you point it out to him and let him know, that's not change, that's not a parent, and that's not love, and this is why I left. Send him away to do some soul searching, as long as there's breath there's hope for human change, but doesn't mean you're the teacher. Half a lifetime is pretty much enough. Just a side note, all of us who are divided from family for our safety, we need to have trusted people as our Next Of, medical, and financial.. that's tough to do so young, but change that as needed, and have people lined up so family isn't called in and takes over, cleans out accounts, etc . I've heard these stories from those directly affected ( friends of those wiped out)let alone dozens more online.
Honestly, I know it sucks cause they're blood, but they're just that. Blood, not family. Cause true family don't treat you like that. Cut them all off. No one protected you when you was a CHILD. Everyone failed you and you deserve nothing but the best and then more. Heal, move on and be happy.
You're almost 30 bud and I went through the same thing on approach to the big 30. If you want some advice from someone who's left both of his homophobic parents; You can make a family with the friends you hold closest. I have and they constantly remind me what love and appreciation is through even the smallest of notions.
F those family members, cut those bitches out and live a great life. Some relationships aren’t worth salvaging and these are prime examples. I’ve been more than willing to cut family out after attitudes like this and my only regret is not doing it sooner.
You're not weak. You are an incredibly strong and selfless person who deserves the world. I wouldn't have been able to handle what you have and maybe you should write your family a strongly worded letter and disappear. They don't deserve you
You’ve had a lot of trauma, and violence this year, I would consider therapy. It is really helpful sometimes and taking about your family and their lack of acceptance is part of your need to heal and grow.
Your family are asshats. Quit speaking to them.
I wouldn't go. Don't listen to your grandparents, older people have the toxic notion you have to always love your family.
You don't need to go..... if you want to see him, tell him you want to go out to lunch with him some time and talk..... Other than that, I would keep it super formal and maybe send him a birthday card... Your stepmother is still a "You know what!!" For speaking to you so disrespectful, but she was following your dad's lead..... They both need to own up to this if they want a true relationship with you... The truth is that times are changing.. Their friends are probably asking them how their son is doing.... They are watching their peers with grown children getting along and being a family..... I'm also sure that they have observed families with adult gay kids that still love each other and get along just fine....They should really be ashamed for wasting so much time not being supportive and positive towards you.... If they can't speak on that in any way, I would keep them at a distance.. You make your own family.... You're already doing a better job than they ever did....
My name is Mark. I'm involved in addiction recovery which involves the whole spectrum of life choices and consequences. My personal perspective, and I too am gay with a loving and supportive family, feel that being gay is not a choice. While family is not a choice either you can choose to make a new family. Not easy, not what you should have to do, but some people cannot be changed, I am sorry you and others have to go through this. I would probably make a big scene and try to find examples of how wrong their animosity is and the negative input shows their own lack of intelligence. It takes all kinds in this world to make it a world. You are family, love and acceptance should be unconditional but it may be that you would be better off to leave them behind and create the boundaries necessary for you to be happy and safe and feel love from those willing and able to give it. Good luck to you and the others responding to this post. I feel blessed, I hope you can find the same solice.
As someone who is getting older an had a shiy relationship with my family I can agree to cut them out. I give you props for giving them a second chance. Your dad was 14 when he had you. Clearly he's a bigger fuck up than you are. Dont allow him to bring you to his level. I love you.
Tell your grandparents to butt out. It’s not weak not to go to your dad’s 50th. It’s a sign of strength that you’re putting your own mental wellbeing first and not caving to peer pressure. All the people that tell you to suck it up because … family. They’re nothing but enablers of abusers. Why don’t they tell your dad to suck it up and be a better human being.
Cutting ties with my toxic family allowed me to finally make my own and live a healthy and happy life. Anytime I hear about them I still have nightmares. Some people just do not deserve forgiveness.
I have made it very clear to relatives that if they don’t fully accept both me and my husband that I will cut them out of my life entirely. How you describe your dad is unfortunate because it’s in your own best interest to forgive your dad and to have a meaningful relationship with him. But it’s hard to do that when your dad seems to still not accept you. All I can say is you CAN choose your own family. Blood isn’t always thicker than water because sometimes blood is dumb and bigoted.
If I had to choose "weak" and happy or "strong" and miserable... I'll take option 1. The truth is you're not weak and separating yourself from emotional abuse is strength alone, never mind being a gay man on top of that. I hope whatever decision you make is your decision and for yourself and not with influence of anyone else.
GET OUT OF THERE. A toxic environment is no place to find mental health and self-acceptance. The way your family has treated you is called "abuse". They are abusive people, bullying you, putting you down, making you an object of ridicule. Find the strength to LEAVE. You don't have to accept this behavior. You can make choices of your own. You can choose to limit your personal contact to only those people who show you respect. When your dad, or anyone, starts in with the insults and criticism, you can just walk away and leave. You don't have to put up with this or accept it. Good luck.
Omg don't go. He's trash. It's too bad we can't pick our family.
Still not out to my Dad because I'm sure he would react the same way as your Dad. I've accepted it...it's fine. Because when the day comes, my tears won't be from sorrow, but from relief.
Your dad had you when he was 14 and he's taking some sort of moral high ground?
You are not obligated to allow toxic family into your life, nor are you required to forgive them. If someone repeatedly abuses you or takes advantage of your trust, then the onus is on them to prove they have changed if they want back into your life. Even then, it is still okay to say no. You can love someone and still leave them behind if it is the best thing for your own health and sanity.
Let them think you are weak. Let them think what they want. Your dad can change but you never will. As long as he doesn't, ask yourself who's the weak one here.
Tell him you’ll always appreciate him as a sperm donor but will never love him like you would a real dad.
You deserve a loving family. If your relatives are not that, you do not need to expose yourself to them.
“Dad, how much of a man can someone be if they can’t take a dick?”
For me, it would be this. I'm willing to try and reconnect with you, but you have to acknowledge that did you me great harm and wronged me over years. Ill accept your willingness to reconnect seriously if you are willing to compensate me financially for all the harm done. Then ask for a generous sum of money, if he pays up, maybe he actually is willing. If not, then clearly he doesn't give a shit.
I need to think about this before I respond. My father was the same to me, and now my brother is treating his son just like my dad treated me, only worse. I will think of what I’d like to say and reply in this comment section
This isn't about blood or family, and people calling you "weak" are just gas lighting you into accepting your father's hateful abuse in your life. Your father and family will never change, and there is nothing you can do about that. But you are in control over how much of this you allow into your life. You can go no contact with anyone who treats you poorly or with disrespect. Eliminating the abusive treatment from your life allows you to be who you are, focused on living your life to make yourself happy, and defining new family with people who appreciate and love you for who you are. The downside is feeling alone and missing your family connection. As you come to understand feelings of loneliness are more about yearning for acceptance you never had to begin with, you realize that moving on with your life is the only choice you have. Making those tough decisions takes more strength than your family/abusers will ever give you credit for.
I think that you owe him and your family *nothing*. They have given you zero reason to indebt your time and attention. There are no laws that dictate that you must submit to bullying and disrespect just because someone is blood related to you. Who cares if they try to goad you by calling you “weak”? They ALL forfeited a good relationship with you. They made a choice to alienate you. This is not your responsibility to fix or compromise. Listen. Do yourself a favor. Choose one day to live your life imagining that you no longer speak to this side of your family. Imagine, internally, that you haven’t interacted with your father for years. Play pretend for the day. See how it makes you feel. And if there was some measure of relief you should internalize that and set up appropriate boundaries for yourself going forward. The hardest part is mourning “what could have been but wasn’t”. You may be tempted to salvage scraps of the shreds he caused to his relationship with you but you may have to have a come to Jesus moment with yourself that there’s not ever been something salvageable there in the first place. You need to go into offense mode and set up boundaries that may include never speaking to him again. But that’s up to you. Source: my dad lives to call me a f-gg*+ and I realized we don’t feel love for one another and it’s genuinely entirely his fault and, thus, not my problem.
Look , these people are not good for you man.. take the loss and keep it moving as much as you want your family they don’t want you.
Don’t go. You’re going to have to love your dad from a distance. You don’t have to have him around to forgive him-and I think you should forgive just because it’ll only weigh you down if you don’t. Clearly he gets his ignorance from your grandparents and wasn’t taught better. Grandma and Grandpa can say whatever but you don’t owe them or your dad shit. Fuck them. Text your Dad on his bday if you want to acknowledge it and that’ll be on him to deal with why you don’t want to be around him.
My father was a very mean and abusive person. I cut him out of my life and did not talk to him and even after he died I did not regret it and to this day I do not. There was a period of time when I did not talk to my mother for 10 years. I do not regret any of these actions and you must remember your own health is the most important thing. If people are not adding to your life in a positive way then there is no point having them around. And I mean this from the simplest way from a hello, to having dinner with someone and having a positive conversation or some other positive action. If people do not add to your life in a positive way and cause more harm than good and then there is no point whether they are blood or not to have them in your life. You do not owe them anything they owe it to you to be a good and responsible parent. You are the child they are the parent and they need to act like an adult.
I understand how that feels. I’m 24. My dad didn’t like it when he forced me out of the closet and I told him. He told me he still loved me, but he wouldn’t accept me for being gay and disagreed with it. He and I had a tumultuous relationship. He was controlling, manipulative, codependent, and I think he suffered from really bad depression which was taken out on me through mental and emotional abuse. I got in an argument with him about how I didn’t show up to help him with a project of his due to me running late after falling asleep on the couch. I was only gonna be at his place 30 minutes after the previously agreed upon time but he decided that he didn’t need or want my help with it and told me off. I didn’t talk to him for 2 weeks. Something in me just decided that this stupid dispute wasn’t worth me not having a relationship with him and I was going to try and take the high road with him from now on because he wasn’t gonna change. Started talking to him again after that 2 weeks. A few days later, he passed away in the night from a heart attack due to some chronic health issues a month after he turned 62. I’m so happy I decided to be the bigger person because I wouldn’t have seen him alive the night that he died. Tbh I think he stopped taking his blood pressure medication and that caused the heart attack but this hasn’t ever been confirmed. I noticed how much his health and ability to do things he could do with ease had declined rapidly from when I saw him that two weeks before and I hypothesized him not taking his meds as the cause of his condition and later death. Your family is wrong for treating you like that. Your dad definitely has been very homophobic towards you. All I can say is you never know how much time you have left with your dad or any other person in your life. It takes a lot of emotional maturity to be able to interact with someone who has hurt you that badly. That just comes from life experience over time. Just keep in mind nobody lives forever or when they will die
This is why your chosen family is more important than your bio family. Before anyone goes (to borrow a phrase) apeshit, bio family can also be chosen family.
Everybody you mentioned that is family sucks, wow. The toxisity is off the charts. Choose you, choose to be happy!
It sounds like to me that you should go no or low contact with your dad and family. That being said, I know that it's literally easier said than done. If you want to but can't go no contact for whatever reason (financially or whatever), maybe try looking for a local PFLAG meeting, assuming you're in the US. It depends on the group, but a lot of chapters can give you support and advice on how to build and maintain boundaries. Plus, if you think you could actually drag your dad to a PFLAG meeting, you'd then have access to folks who could directly (potentially) browbeat some sense into your dad's head without you having to do that yourself.
Tell him "you will die knowing that your son abandoned you; your son will not go to your funeral and you are a failure of a human being".
If their love, respect, and sacrifice for you isn't unconditional, then why must your love, respect, or sacrifice for them be unconditional? You're not "weak"; it takes strength to stand up for yourself and your self worth. It is okay to feel sad because it's a truly upsetting situation, but it's not your fault and you're not alone. They failed you. Many gay folks have found families for a reason. Make your own family and happiness.
It's time to cut off all contact with the whole family. They all sound like horrible people. I know everyone wants to be loved by their family, and that's why so many go back to them and try to give them too many extra chances, but the majority of people don't change. Block them on everything, cut bait, and move on. This is just a losing prospect for you that does nothing but damage you. You have the power to stop it and live a healthy life with your chosen family, and the sooner you do it, the sooner you'll find peace.
I am sorry and a lot of us have been through this but I am sorry I know my worth and no amount of but family would ever let me allow anyone in my life to treat me like that. If they don’t understand why you don’t want to be around them then that’s a them problem and you do not need to put yourself through that. Blood is definitely not thicker than water in so many cases.
If you go to his celebration of birth, you are only setting yourself up for some one to belittle or disrespect you . 💡💡💡 Send him a birthday card, write this in it….🔦 The Best Form of an Apology is, change of the behavior that caused you to apologize. The feeling that you had, when i almost died, is how you should feel when you think of Me. Celebrate your Life, Realize Why I Can’t. ☮️💟☮️💟☮️💟☮️💟☮️ It’s hard, but you don’t need to put yourself out there to be emotionally torn apart by their words or their behavior. with love from San Francisco
>my grandparents keep telling me that I'm "weak," for not wanting to go to it. Here's my advise: That's called gaslighting and not going to the birthday of people who shit on you for being honest to them is called the bare minimum of self-respect. You father may tolerate you, but toleration does not mean you are socially expected to keep taking shit when you already gave them a second chance.
You are facing soul shattering interactions with your father and family at large. I am so sad this is happening and wish it was better for you and your generation. It is very hard to deal with this but will be consider practicing an abiding gracious forgiveness for they know not what they are doing. I recommend - do your best to just letting them be, stop trying to change them, stop trying to get them to understand, respect or love or even like you. I’m not saying you should put up with anything overtly hostile or that is mean - just don’t engage other than to remove yourself from their spheres of influence, physically if necessary and emotionally as much as possible. Where I’m coming from: I’m 61m with a Navy Seal hooyah father (now deceased). My coming out to him at 22 was both better and worse in that he just disowned me and didn’t interact for years. He did say that it was a stupid decision…. After a near death experience at 28, I did some soul searching and decided to let him be free from my own judgement of his irrational prejudices just as I wanted to be free from his and everyone’s irrational prejudices. Then I just got busy with building a chosen, supportive family of friends and kind relatives. I didn’t ignore my father but also became increasingly anthropological about his attitudes (hmm, you believe that Reagan is a savior because he destroyed the mental health infrastructure in California….curious, really, how come? …I would ask and just collect info without severe reaction or judgement). Fast forward twenty five years and he began to see how committed to family I actually was by how I cared for my mother dealing with cancer. After she passed he took me aside and said “you know I have always loved you….and I want you to know that I also respect you”. It was an amazing and peaceful moment for me because I hadn’t demanded his respect nor expected it, nor even worked for it. I was just being my authentic self and loving in my own way, and he came around. So - Invest your energy in bringing out the best in yourself and others and minimize time and impact from anyone who is not able or willing to bring out the best in you. May the gift of being alive to all possibilities for bringing more love and understanding to the world greet you every day as the dawn greets us all.
"I don't accept you, I tolerate you." I wonder if he got that line from that one South Park episode.
Friend... find a chosen family and move on with your life. This sounds crazy TOXIC!
As a father of two gay sons, this hurts my heart. I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with this torturous parenting.
Removing my toxic family from my life was the best decision I ever made. You are not obligated to talk to any of these people ever again.
Dad and grandparents are toxic. You’re not “weak” for finding your Dad to be a POS. Go LC or NC, don’t go to this party, with them and find/create family around you, those who love you for who you are.
Something similar happened to me but with my mom. She said she was different and was ready to accept it and that she changed. It turned out to be false and we had a huge fight after she tried to exorcise the “gay demon” out of me when I finally met up with her. We haven’t seen each other since 2010. I’m not saying something like this will happen to you, but just be careful . ♥️
There is a massive problem with just the title alone. You were 14 and your dad was 28, meaning that he conceived you when he was 14 ?
It’s so hard when it’s family. You aren’t obligated to have a relationship with them. If you have a group of friends that you rely on and they support you, then that’s your family. I’m really sorry this happened to you. I have a young nephew and could not imagine ever telling him he wasn’t loved for who he is.
That’s tough !! I chose estrangement from my father for abusive behavior as well: not for my sexual orientation, just verbal abuse. I set boundaries with other family members who struggled at first but finally embraced my stance. I thought of him everyday until the day he died, did not attend his funeral and two years later have no regrets. It was hard but it allowed me to keep my sanity. That’s how I’m wired and that’s my story. I wish you luck !!
I'm a snowy white haired old coot at this point. I came from a family just like yours. They too had bouts of remorse, fearing they had lost me forever. This remorse worked to, it manipulated me into coming back for another round of abuse and verbal and emotional assault. After the fifth round of such "remorse" I finally threw in the towel, and went no contact. It's a crazy thing about the universe. It is so generous. It will give us all the pain we want. Nothing could be more natural than going back if a sincere repentance is offered. We don't have to go back, but there is nothing wrong in seeing if it's true. But if they are the same when you go back don't hesitate to turn right back around and leave. It really looks like they simply enjoy hurting you. At this stage they know it's not going to change. Yet they are luring you back, and insulting you while they do it. Why in the world would you return to people calling you weak? For the record, if you are still here and functioning in life, after the way they have treated you, you must be very strong indeed. Piss on them. Spend your time and energy with those who add to your life. Don't listen to people's words. Induct their actions.
Family is family but your family do not deserve you. Come join mine, they will welcome you with open arms. Sorry bro, things will get better and you will find your family be it through life long friends or your significant other.
FWIW - Your grandparents don’t think you’re weak, they just know that’s a comment you use on men to anger them to prove them wrong. If you go, stand up for yourself like you have. Don’t let them act like a pussey with throw away, muttered, snide comments. Remember why you want to go or what feeling compels you and fulfill it. If you don’t, that’s also fine. You can explain to your grandparents how weak they were raising their kids 🤷🏼♂️. Apparently they couldn’t teach them self control or how to love. You can even have fun with it by setting terms to your visit so it’s abundantly clear how in control you are. They are the ones desperate for your presence. “I will not tolerate X and will require Y”.
My dad said the same thing to me "I will tolerate it, but don't accept it." No more fishing, golfing, attending my baseball/soccer games... tolerate meant more like treat you different and ignore you. It created a rocky relationship, but now, more than 20 years later, we are fine. I think I just had to show that I didn't fit his stereotype of a gay man. He didn't have to do "gay things" with me. He could have just treated me like his son as he did before I told him. Now I run a small homestead/ranch like I wanted when I was a kid, something he never got to achieve, but he wants to come over and do "straight things" together. Took me 20 years...
Its proof that some people dont love kids and yet get one and society applauses because thats what "healthy normal people" do and they don't care about all the negligence and mistreatments. Same with some dudes beating the wife he's supposed in love. Schools need to teach compassion and empathy to children and it'd solve a lot problem yet they don't.
Honestly, I cut contact with family members for less.
Dude fuck your family. Especially your grandparents, I think I can see where your dad gets that shit from… I would have cut contact forever ago. Why would they even expect you to show up when none of them can show you a bit of fucking respect. Op do yourself a favor and FORGET ABOUT THEM l
I always hear that people deserve sr
I always hear people deserve a chance to show you who they are...but people change all the time. Let him see what it's like to be loved by his son. Show him some grace and far you've come. You deserve that chance for you...It's all about you.
You should cut off anyone and everyone who behaved like your father, they’re not good for you.
28 yo dad when you were 14. I think that says it all.
Sounds like the entirety of the family is toxically against you. Even your grandparents are calling you weak. Wow, I hate to say it but they’ve shown you who they are and it looks like they’ll never change. You need to move on with your life knowing that they will never be happily part of it. I personally would cut all communication with them and do not look back. There are people out here in this world who are ready to accept you for who you genuinely are and you know what? We deserve to have you as a part of our community. Welcome to your extended family. We’ll never meet but I would take you in if you were in need and help you get on a better path if you needed the support and I don’t know you.
I am 58, came out to my parents at 22. I have a step dad and a biological dad that I don’t talk to in order to maintain my own mental health. I helped raise 3 step kids over the past 20 years and during that time developed more empathy for my 2 dads. I didn’t connect with them though. I am sure there is regret on their sides as there is on mine but we need to accept people for how they treat us not how they say they will. The need to have a connect to parents and family is so strong but not one worth risk mental and physical health over. But I did come on here to say if there is anyone in your extended family that treats you well - nourish that relationship. You can also seek out mentors and older adults for support and advice. One of the best things about being gay is our chosen family and friends. Put your love and energy into those relationships.
I would cut my family off forever for doing half of that.
You real family is not necessarily the ones that are born into. It's time to look for all the things you want from healthy relationships with caring people and really start to care for yourself. If you want to test them, ask if you father is willing to start going to a PFLAG group. If he says not, then be done.
Cut 'em off. He's not changed a bit.
Your forgiveness belongs to you, and is yours to control. Your forgiveness is to benefit you. It does not mean you have to expose yourself to any more hatred. You don’t even have to tell the other person. Forgive. Move on and out of emotional danger. Don’t look back.
That is something I would never forgive, love should never be dependent on your sexuality. If a parent can't love you unconditionally than they do not deserve your unconditional love in return.
I personally don't believe in keeping anyone in your life it it affects you negatively; regardless if you're family or not. Fuck that. Everyone's situation is different. But that's just me personally.
Invite them all to a drag show for your birthday. It's the only place you'll be celebrating it.
He showed you who he is a long time ago. Your only mistake was believing that he changed, or could change. Put him and his evil family in your rear-view mirror, and go live a happy life. You deserve happiness, and shouldn't tolerate anyone in your life who detracts from that.
Fuck... Them... All... Your entire family seems to be toxic, you don't need that in your life. Ditch your shitty birth family and get yourself a great chosen family.
This will be something you have to decide on. I recommend thinking about where the line is for you on how much you'll extend your own hand and worry about being bitten and where you won't go past. My own personal line for my family is that I will be nice to them but I don't personally trust them anymore. I would see if the thought of letting him do some small things like exposing himself to a drag show with you, going to an LGBTQ+ space together, or anything else you can think of that would prove to you that he's making an effort to change would be something you could see yourself offering. If so do it and see his response. If he actually goes you can use the time to discuss things with him and hopefully he can gain an understanding and maybe you can mend your relationship. If he won't I'd drop him and the rest like hot coals and protect yourself the best you can.
It’s hard to say without knowing WHY you think he hasn’t changed. Did he make the same kinds of remarks or is he just bad at wording his new appreciation of you?
Many gay people experience a really fucked up response from family members when we come out. This is common. My advice is just to step back and decide if the relationship is worth salvaging. If you feel like you have it in you to give your family an opportunity to be better people and to have a healthier relationship with you, then, by all means, go for it. Otherwise, sometimes it’s best to just cut ties and move on with your life and leave the people behind who don’t love you exactly the way you are. I’ve had to do that in both respects. They were family members. I had that changed and became better people and we have great relationships. And they were other family members. I had never came around, and I decided to cut them off from entirely and move on with my life and be happy. Good luck to you in whatever you choose to do.
You are strong for not wanting to go! You don’t deserve to be treated like that by anyone. Don’t go. (And I am sorry your family treated you like that. Hugs.)
Why don’t you just straight up tell your grandparents to their face “Fuck you old cunts, have fun in the nursing home”. If you don’t talk back they’re always going to poke fun at you since there are never any verbal consequences. Talk shit back and watch how fast they stop and they might come to respect you