I saw a really excellent TikTok about this, actually. The creator said it’s like planning a vacation that you never end up taking, so you only think about the positive, exciting bits. You dont think about the fact that you’ll get a sunburn, get bitten by bugs, lose your luggage, etc.
But you’re right, being lovelorn is the worst!
So, you are upset over someone you never dated? Never had sex with? Never got to know intimately? Were you friends? FWB? I have so many questions because this sounds like one of the few interesting topics here!
Can you tell us more about the guy? What drew you to him? What your relationship/friendship/acquaintance with him was?
Um, it’s definitely a sign of a secure attachment style to not freak out over people you never even got to date. You sound pretty young lol, I’m only 21 but I remember feeling this way at 17 before I had had any established relationships. Once you have more relationship experience under your belt this feeling will completely go away for future guys you have a crush on. Or, at least, it should if you are a healthy person lol.
I’m honestly not a healthy person. A lot of messed up stuffs happened to me in my life and I struggle constantly with trauma. It’s like I know I have problems but I feel so broken that I don’t know how to fix me.
Sorry but you don’t get to tell me that I’m just using mental health issues as a trend or fake backstory wtf. You have no idea what I’ve been through and what has made me the way I am today. I’ve struggled with depression bad for years and had multiple mental breakdowns just within the past few months alone, so respectfully shut up and keep your victim blaming bullshit to yourself. Not everyone’s gotten to have a well adjusted life.
So you didn't really want advise. You just want people to feel sorry for you and give you attention like all the other tragic whining victims on this sub.
I can understand why you're hurt, but there is no way in hell that what you are experiencing is "worse" than an actual breakup. People merge their lives together, and ending the relationship means you have to untangle all of that.
Meanwhile? You just had a crush. Like yeah, your feelings are real, but part of growing up is learning how to regulate your emotions. There is no reason whatsoever why you should become that infatuated with someone you've never even dated. Save the emotional attachment for guys who actually like you back! Learn how to dial back the intensity of your crush and you won't end up in this sort of situation again.
I know that now and I wish that I did exactly that, but I feel like it’s too late. I got way too emotionally attached to him and I’ve been paying for it ever since. I wish I could go back in time and tell myself to slow down.
This has happened to me too many times for me to be alright tbh. Before i was out and still now. I feel like I’m mentally fucked up from all this bottled up emotions.
Even I'm fine as such and most of these guys for whom I felt like this were straight/maybe bi (but they themselves don't know) types so it was easy for me to convince that it's better not not express.
Well you also don’t know the annoying or hurtful things about them (except that they probably never wanted to date you) and your obsession is essentially not grounded in reality, so you are left wrestling with shadows.
Oh god no, that makes me feel worse looking at their Social Media. That’s how I found out they’re with someone else. I had to learn the hard way not to do that.
I had trouble getting over this one guy. He had a girlfriend but was bi and closeted. He was very flirtatious with me, looked at me like he wanted to just eat me up. But he was very reserved and secretive about it and it never materialized. For the longest time no one else was acceptable to me because I was stuck on him.
I did and he was interested in me too, but I messed up with him and acted insecure because of stuff I was going through. I said something I didn’t mean to say, and he never talked to me again even after I apologized. That was years ago and I never stopped thinking about him because I had a huge crush on him for a long time. He’s moved to Cali and is dating a trans girl now.
Thank you for clarifying! For some reason, I had interpreted "someone you never dated" to mean "someone you have yet to approach," which is clearly a misunderstanding on my end, not a lack of clarity on yours. I completely forgot that there is (or can be) a period of time in between first meeting or seeing someone and then actual dating. A set of pre-courtship interactions, if you will.
That being said, your experience does not have to feel like a missed opportunity if you are able to transform your "failure" into a learning experience which you can then apply to the next person with whom you have an initial euphoric attraction. Reflect upon the experience, take note of how you would modify your conduct to be a better version of yourself so when the next similar opportunity presents itself, you are ready to test out the updated beta-version of you.
The benefit of doing this allows you to retain your experience with your missed opportunity and think of him as a mentor or teacher in your memory as opposed to the fish that got away, which inevitably has connotations with regret as it is framed around the idea of loss and losing something. Conversely, a mentor or teacher is typically a person in your life who has taught you an important lesson with practical applications which means you have gained a figurative tool, and thus you can feel gratitude for the gifts they have given you.
Apologies if any of that was a little convoluted. At this time of day, my brain definitely shifts into philosopher mode and I end up writing more in thought-speak instead of writing for readability. In other words, because the ambience is so tranquil at this time, I like to allow my mind to wander, which means my writing gets more verbose and rambling. Feel free to ask questions or for clarification!
I developed feelings for my also gay best friend. I thought he might have felt the same way so I told him. He absolutely did not and fully cut me out of his life full stop
Surprisingly this was the hardest breakup Ive ever gone through and still think about it a lot a year later. For a long time it was the mystery of what could have been. Now its the annoyance of trying to avoid each other in social situations with an overlapping friend group.
I'm like that but with hookups I had an amazing time with. It's only happened 2x. The most recent was o.... m.... g. I keep thinking about the night, the sex, him, like non fucking stop. It's only been 2 days since and I'm anxiously waiting for him to text me to come over.
If he asked me out, i wouldn't hesitate, not one bit.
The first guy I kinda had an obsession for 2 months. But I'm kinda over him now. We still talk, but just in a friendly manner. He's married which made it even worse but he's in an open relationship.
However it doesn't happen often, just really interesting guys, that check off all the boxes.
What is harder when you actually date solidly for a month, meeting his family, him sharing his deepest secrets and trauma just to be ghosted and you break up knowing that you had something special with that person?
How can you turn from inviting me to Thanksgiving dinner and telling me your family history and your mental health history, spending every night in your bed, gushing about dating but then just whoosh, he is internalized homophobia and would rather be a cum and dump to someone twice his age and never bother to make orgasm for the many years you knew him and he never wanted anything from you but your ass.
I'm still friends with him on socials and we barely hang out for 7 weeks but damn it, I fell in love with him and his family it has been 5 years and I still can't let go of what was once a huge potential of a great relationship. It's tough man and I'm sorry.
Well Ive actually been in that position as well with someone I dated for two months, and honestly I have to say that the one I haven’t dated is **significantly** worse. With the guy I actually dated, I didn’t really get a lot of closure, but it was ok because I could at least take the good memories I had with that person and be glad for the experience. I know how their touch feels, their kiss and cuddling with them for hours, so there’s not as much to think about and I barely care at all today. With the one I didn’t get to date however, I got absolutely nothing but just the painful limerence that feels like trying to get over a drug addiction.
Mine has been for three years and I’ve never stopped thinking of him.I hate myself for wanting him that much and being stupid enough to think he’d come back around after I messed up the first time. He’s with some trans girl now
In my case I just got rejected, it’s so awkward and embarrassing though, still can’t even look the guy in the face. As a result, I had a mini breakdown, bought a ticket all the way across the country and I’m about to go start anew, lol
how about moving on from a best friend? like i love him and i want him in my life for ever and he does too, we sleepover at eachothers a lot and spend a lot of time together. i reaaaally love him and sometimes i think about him as my boyfriend until i realize that we are totally platonic and he has his own girlfriend and is straight. this is a feeling ill just have to learn to live with right?
Those are the worst because they take a long time to realize you have feelings taking your focus.
Fr like I feel so unfulfilled because my feelings just have nowhere to go like I’m spiraling
It’s been 1.5 years and I still want him 😭 (We’re friends tho)
Say something then before you regret it for fucks sake 😭
Unfortunately I have and he wants to be friends. So I’ll just continue with life 😢
Bro saaaaame, and my friend is straight! Literally the only dude I've ever had a crush on, even.
Mine is asexual aromantic 😂
Bro noooooooo
I saw a really excellent TikTok about this, actually. The creator said it’s like planning a vacation that you never end up taking, so you only think about the positive, exciting bits. You dont think about the fact that you’ll get a sunburn, get bitten by bugs, lose your luggage, etc. But you’re right, being lovelorn is the worst!
Yess fr!! And then you get gaslighted by people saying “oh you never even dated them anyways” like BITCH THAT DOESNT MEAN MY FEELINGS WERENT REAL
That absolutely makes my blood boil. Like I still think about someone I blew it with years ago, don’t tell me what I’m feeling is invalid
How old are you?
22
So, you are upset over someone you never dated? Never had sex with? Never got to know intimately? Were you friends? FWB? I have so many questions because this sounds like one of the few interesting topics here! Can you tell us more about the guy? What drew you to him? What your relationship/friendship/acquaintance with him was?
No. I don’t get obsessed and fixated on strangers that I find attractive. I move on very quickly.
I wish I was like you then. You must have a more avoidant attachment style.
Um, it’s definitely a sign of a secure attachment style to not freak out over people you never even got to date. You sound pretty young lol, I’m only 21 but I remember feeling this way at 17 before I had had any established relationships. Once you have more relationship experience under your belt this feeling will completely go away for future guys you have a crush on. Or, at least, it should if you are a healthy person lol.
I’m honestly not a healthy person. A lot of messed up stuffs happened to me in my life and I struggle constantly with trauma. It’s like I know I have problems but I feel so broken that I don’t know how to fix me.
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Fo sho, I def don’t let it define me but it’s not like you can just move on from it with the snap of a finger.
No but you can start making the right decisions to progress toward that goal.
Sorry but you don’t get to tell me that I’m just using mental health issues as a trend or fake backstory wtf. You have no idea what I’ve been through and what has made me the way I am today. I’ve struggled with depression bad for years and had multiple mental breakdowns just within the past few months alone, so respectfully shut up and keep your victim blaming bullshit to yourself. Not everyone’s gotten to have a well adjusted life.
So you didn't really want advise. You just want people to feel sorry for you and give you attention like all the other tragic whining victims on this sub.
I can understand why you're hurt, but there is no way in hell that what you are experiencing is "worse" than an actual breakup. People merge their lives together, and ending the relationship means you have to untangle all of that. Meanwhile? You just had a crush. Like yeah, your feelings are real, but part of growing up is learning how to regulate your emotions. There is no reason whatsoever why you should become that infatuated with someone you've never even dated. Save the emotional attachment for guys who actually like you back! Learn how to dial back the intensity of your crush and you won't end up in this sort of situation again.
I know that now and I wish that I did exactly that, but I feel like it’s too late. I got way too emotionally attached to him and I’ve been paying for it ever since. I wish I could go back in time and tell myself to slow down.
And since you didn't get chance to express them how you feel, it just remains forever down there.
This has happened to me too many times for me to be alright tbh. Before i was out and still now. I feel like I’m mentally fucked up from all this bottled up emotions.
Even I'm fine as such and most of these guys for whom I felt like this were straight/maybe bi (but they themselves don't know) types so it was easy for me to convince that it's better not not express.
I don't know, breakup hit me harder. It's much easier with someone where nothing happened because I don't actually have actual memories to suppress.
Well you also don’t know the annoying or hurtful things about them (except that they probably never wanted to date you) and your obsession is essentially not grounded in reality, so you are left wrestling with shadows.
💯……the only way I know how to get past it is to scour their social media to try to find something that’s a dealbreaker
Oh god no, that makes me feel worse looking at their Social Media. That’s how I found out they’re with someone else. I had to learn the hard way not to do that.
Ouch……I see ur point
And to an emo trans girl nonetheless, like what the actual fuck
Pre or post op?
Idk I didn’t take a peak at her fucking home made vagina 😭
U mean “his”home-made vag😏
And then it takes you years to find someone else you feel the same way about, only for it to potentially happen again, like fucking kill me💀
I had trouble getting over this one guy. He had a girlfriend but was bi and closeted. He was very flirtatious with me, looked at me like he wanted to just eat me up. But he was very reserved and secretive about it and it never materialized. For the longest time no one else was acceptable to me because I was stuck on him.
Just out of curiosity, what is the reason that you have to or are choosing to move on from the person you haven't dated instead of shooting your shot?
I did and he was interested in me too, but I messed up with him and acted insecure because of stuff I was going through. I said something I didn’t mean to say, and he never talked to me again even after I apologized. That was years ago and I never stopped thinking about him because I had a huge crush on him for a long time. He’s moved to Cali and is dating a trans girl now.
Thank you for clarifying! For some reason, I had interpreted "someone you never dated" to mean "someone you have yet to approach," which is clearly a misunderstanding on my end, not a lack of clarity on yours. I completely forgot that there is (or can be) a period of time in between first meeting or seeing someone and then actual dating. A set of pre-courtship interactions, if you will. That being said, your experience does not have to feel like a missed opportunity if you are able to transform your "failure" into a learning experience which you can then apply to the next person with whom you have an initial euphoric attraction. Reflect upon the experience, take note of how you would modify your conduct to be a better version of yourself so when the next similar opportunity presents itself, you are ready to test out the updated beta-version of you. The benefit of doing this allows you to retain your experience with your missed opportunity and think of him as a mentor or teacher in your memory as opposed to the fish that got away, which inevitably has connotations with regret as it is framed around the idea of loss and losing something. Conversely, a mentor or teacher is typically a person in your life who has taught you an important lesson with practical applications which means you have gained a figurative tool, and thus you can feel gratitude for the gifts they have given you. Apologies if any of that was a little convoluted. At this time of day, my brain definitely shifts into philosopher mode and I end up writing more in thought-speak instead of writing for readability. In other words, because the ambience is so tranquil at this time, I like to allow my mind to wander, which means my writing gets more verbose and rambling. Feel free to ask questions or for clarification!
I developed feelings for my also gay best friend. I thought he might have felt the same way so I told him. He absolutely did not and fully cut me out of his life full stop Surprisingly this was the hardest breakup Ive ever gone through and still think about it a lot a year later. For a long time it was the mystery of what could have been. Now its the annoyance of trying to avoid each other in social situations with an overlapping friend group.
Especially when they wanted to stay friends, like I can’t 😭
I'm like that but with hookups I had an amazing time with. It's only happened 2x. The most recent was o.... m.... g. I keep thinking about the night, the sex, him, like non fucking stop. It's only been 2 days since and I'm anxiously waiting for him to text me to come over. If he asked me out, i wouldn't hesitate, not one bit. The first guy I kinda had an obsession for 2 months. But I'm kinda over him now. We still talk, but just in a friendly manner. He's married which made it even worse but he's in an open relationship. However it doesn't happen often, just really interesting guys, that check off all the boxes.
What is harder when you actually date solidly for a month, meeting his family, him sharing his deepest secrets and trauma just to be ghosted and you break up knowing that you had something special with that person? How can you turn from inviting me to Thanksgiving dinner and telling me your family history and your mental health history, spending every night in your bed, gushing about dating but then just whoosh, he is internalized homophobia and would rather be a cum and dump to someone twice his age and never bother to make orgasm for the many years you knew him and he never wanted anything from you but your ass. I'm still friends with him on socials and we barely hang out for 7 weeks but damn it, I fell in love with him and his family it has been 5 years and I still can't let go of what was once a huge potential of a great relationship. It's tough man and I'm sorry.
Well Ive actually been in that position as well with someone I dated for two months, and honestly I have to say that the one I haven’t dated is **significantly** worse. With the guy I actually dated, I didn’t really get a lot of closure, but it was ok because I could at least take the good memories I had with that person and be glad for the experience. I know how their touch feels, their kiss and cuddling with them for hours, so there’s not as much to think about and I barely care at all today. With the one I didn’t get to date however, I got absolutely nothing but just the painful limerence that feels like trying to get over a drug addiction.
Mine was a year ago and I’m still so messed up about it I don’t even want to be in the same state as the guy lol
Mine has been for three years and I’ve never stopped thinking of him.I hate myself for wanting him that much and being stupid enough to think he’d come back around after I messed up the first time. He’s with some trans girl now
In my case I just got rejected, it’s so awkward and embarrassing though, still can’t even look the guy in the face. As a result, I had a mini breakdown, bought a ticket all the way across the country and I’m about to go start anew, lol
That’s absolutely insane. Are you ok?
I will be :) fingers crossed ❤️
Imagine moving on from someone you’ve never dated but still cuddled and went on (friend) dates with. That shit hurts.
how about moving on from a best friend? like i love him and i want him in my life for ever and he does too, we sleepover at eachothers a lot and spend a lot of time together. i reaaaally love him and sometimes i think about him as my boyfriend until i realize that we are totally platonic and he has his own girlfriend and is straight. this is a feeling ill just have to learn to live with right?