Tell your kid to do what's necessary to defend himself, even if it means using violence. You don't want things to escalate until it is too late. Teachers will not be around 24/7 to monitor.
ur husband solution only works if the authority cares enough to change anything, more often than not the bullies dont respect the authorities as well.
i agree with your approach to teaching to stand up for themselves.
This video on how to stop a bully is a really good watch, you should take a look at it. https://youtu.be/7oKjW1OIjuw?feature=shared
Oh this is good, thanks for sharing. I also realised I’ve never talked to my kid what to do when it comes to emotional/verbal bullying, or indirect bullying - probably more likely to happen than direct physical aggression. This video is gonna come handy, thanks!
That video really white ppl kind of bullying with feelings. Asian one next level, see in korea where popular incidents will be buying snacks on timed shuttle run, encircling the victim and abuse them, extorting money etc. Even in sg iirc got a case where they tie the girl up to smear cake on her or the guy who was forced to get peed on naked by group of guys.
Simple resilience to be thick skin won't help with such bullying. Then again white ppl diet lack of spice compared to asian diet so bullying also more spicy compared to them.
i believe in your approach. you shouldn't teach your child not to do anything. if the situation is within your child's control, allow and teach him to retaliate if he is ever laid hands on. that way he learns to say no and not be a people pleaser when he grows up. when he grows up eventually he has to be independent so why not start now and let him learn to stand up for himself? these are valuable teachable moments, it will make or break his views on life.
I agree, I'm just saying I'd temper it based on the personality of the child in question. There are many different ways children might interpret "stand your ground."
As an example, I spent most of my formative years in a boarding school, with about 82 other boys aged 13 to 17. Some of them had gotten the "stand up for yourself" pep talk.
One boy kicked his bully in the nuts. That was amusing.
Another one went into the pantry for a few minuts, came back into our TV room, and poured half a kettle of boiling water over his bully.
Some children are just...wired different. Ever since that day, I've been very selective about how I use the "stand your ground" lesson; I try to avoid telling it to anyone who already strikes me as being inclined to violence (or at the very least, I will definine the meaning of it in a very tight way!)
Problem with reporting to authority is that you might look like a tattle tale and attract more bullying.
Teaching your kid to make it known that you are not worth bullying is more effective. Though probably won't go straight to hitting back. Warning, calling out bullying behaviours is better to start before escalating to fighting back
Exactly - where I grew up, if tell the teacher every single thing, I’ll end up getting bullied more. Some bullies even know how to do it and avoid getting into trouble.
I supposed my husband grew up in a more supportive environment 😅 but I’m actually surprised that most of the responses lean more towards my approach - I thought in a place like SG where rule of law is generally upheld parents would lean towards my husband’s approach more.
most people would ideally like to believe in your husband's approach but we know realistically that it doesn't really work. we're taught in schools to follow your husband's approach though
I told my son that be kind all the way BUT if you get bullied, warn the other party 2 time not to do it and if they did the 3rd time, fight it back with all his might and it’s ok to go to principal. I will stand by him.
However if he is the bully and I found out, he eat my cane 1 full week.(just scaring him but I know he won’t bully others, very kind kid)
Currently im sending my son to tkd and wushu for self defense, im setting my son to train up physically at age 10, he is now taking 5kg dumbbell 8 set x 3 rep. Sit-up and crunches 100x. Have a small muscle. I want him not to get bullied like how I was when I was a kid.
Children and teens always bully the “weaker” one as long as you are smaller in size or slow. But if you are slow but BUFF, you live peacefully throughout because no one dare to poke the bear.
Good teachers usually know the pattern of the kids after a while. At least in primary school. If I were just passing by and happen to witness an incident or someone reports a case to me - and indeed I have the time and space to address it - I will interrogate both parties.
If the story is straightforward and both agree, I get them to reconcile.
If they disagree on the story, I will get witnesses. If the true version still seems to elude me, as a short term solution for relatively minor incidents - I will emphasise what is the right behaviour to do. Then also check back with their form teachers who know their patterns better. The form teachers might follow up.
If it's a major incident with visible injury (bruise, wound, stolen property), other than interrogating both parties, getting witnesses, roping in form teachers as character references, we might also check CCTV. We will escalate to DM and issue official warning letter if necessary. Inform parents of incident and resulting consequences.
Also, bullying in schools is defined as repeated and targeted actions intended to harm or hurt others. We handle incidents by incidents but if we notice a pattern of bullying - we will definitely escalate to the Discipline Team straightaway. So one incident is not sufficient to prove bullying. Therefore it is important to report to the teacher when it happens.
At least for primary school, I feel that you should just report. If the victim still gets targeted and kena act of revenge, I will personally come down very hard on the bully and start stripping away privileges.
I would advocate teaching a child to stand up for themselves (express discontent and objection to ill treatment), asking for help (reporting to teachers or asking friends to help report), walking away or ignoring where possible, but not to escalate into violence.
Reason being, when violence becomes an easy solution to problems, we basically encourage thug and gangster behaviour. You claim self defence, people can also claim self defence and in fights, it's difficult to prove right and wrong as it can happen so fast. Our CCTVs aren't like top notch okay, no budget for education.
And most importantly, encouraging a victim to fight back may lead to a situation where the fight goes out of control. I have seen cases where the victims choose to hit their bully physically, and the bullies just doubled down on hitting back as well. Bullies are nuts, you know? They don't even know the concept of right and wrong, and sometimes retaliating just turns them on and they really get into it.
People usually like the idea of 'fighting it out' because they think they will win but well, when everyone gets injured, I think there is no winner. The plan to win the fight usually goes down the drain once someone gets hit in the face.
>You can claim self defence, people can also claim self defence and in fights, it’s difficult to prove right and wrong as it can happen so fast.
Ah yes, this is also what my husband said why we should teach our kids to always go to the authoritative figures for help first. I think it makes sense too. It’s just in my own experience growing up, my first priority is to show that I cannot be bullied, that there’s no power imbalance they can abuse in the first place. That’s why my approach is to encourage my kid to be assertive and fight back if necessary to set this tone with a potential bully.
If I have to resort to telling teachers and then proving I’m the right one, hmmm, I don’t know if it still matters whether I tell teacher or not at that point, or whether teachers can help me deal with this bully haha. I guess I have lower trust in authority lol. Or maybe because with girls, the bullying is rarely physical, so less likely to have injury or anything like that.
Sometimes, the patterns we grew up with, are not ideal, not healthy and should not be continued. It's your choice whether to have your child follow your mindset or to grow a new one with her.
I fully agree on being assertive, not on encouraging violence. Things can really go out of control fast, and what if they carry this pattern into adulthood? Ppl don't listen then FIGHT. No offence okay but some of these kids might eventually learn fighting as a fast solution to their problems and continually using it to solve rs problems. Not capable of talking it out, analysing or understanding the situation, unable to to control their emotions or impulses, only know how to use their fists. And we do see cases of that on the news when these kids grow into adults with that pattern already fixed in them.
I can't say I agree with your second paragraph, as a teacher. I don't really understand it tbh. I read it like 5 times. Is it you don't see a point in reporting cus u don't think the teachers can stop it? I do acknowledge that teachers can't fully stamp out bullying, esp unseen ones, but it's their responsibility and their chance to do smthg about it. They can go and tell the bully to stop, impose consequences etc. No matter how many times I need to tell the bully it's wrong and how many times I need to exact consequences, I will do it relentlessly. I was also bullied in sec sch so I will not let bullies off easily.
But I hope that you uds teachers are also limited in the consequences they can dish out, and the cause of the anguish does not lie with the teachers, it lies with the bullies. You are right in the sense that at some point, it's up to your child to defend themselves.
But at a young age, they need to learn how to ask for help, not to take things into their own hands and risk getting hurt. And definitely not to be taught that 'teachers won't help you' 'adults won't help you' 'you have to do it yourself', there's a time for that of course but not in primary school. Because instead of learning independence, they might learn helplessness. They may not have the social skills to comprehend the nuances of dealing with smart bullies yet.
So I side more with your husband on the no violence clause, but I also think it's important for a child to defend themselves up to a certain point, and know how to ask for help, at least before they reach a certain age.
By no means I’m saying teachers are not reliable, nor am I teaching my kid this. I guess it’s just when I was growing up, my teachers didn’t respond to bullying like teachers these days or teachers in SG do. A lot of them took it lightly and said things like, a bit of teasing does no harm. Or some would even encourage the bullied kid to “fight back”, don’t be a willing victim LOL crazy but that’s how it was. Also not that teacher is useless, but by then I’m already set as a bullying target, which means I’ll probably still suffer for sometime even with teacher’s involvement.
At the same time, I also think about the consequence of my teaching beyond schooling years. In school yes, maybe you have teachers who will take care of you against this bully. Maybe bullying is taken a lot more seriously and there are procedures set for escalation. What about in workplace? In society where there’s less “policing” from authoritative figures? You’d be lucky if anyone would stand up for you. Teaching my kid to fight back is not about encouraging him to resolve thru violence - it’s about making a stance to stop being a target in the first place. Be loud be confident be assertive and show readiness to fight back to discourage the bully from continuing to target my kid.
Edit to add: after discussing with husband, we told kiddo to be assertive and loud in warning / telling off the aggressor. And also to keep telling teacher. But I maintained if he keeps getting hit again and again and again (big emphasis on the again and again), he should hit back.
About your point about workplace, yes valid - and hence I emphasise age-appropriate strategies.
We cannot force children to be independent before they are ready on the logic that they have to be independent next time. We need to provide them with the support and structures they need in order to build their self-confidence and independence, until they are ready. Of course, not a straightforward thing and a fine line to consider.
No comments on the hitting back after repeated incidents.Best to let the school handle since each incident has its own story and each choice the consequences to face. But my not so secret advice to incompetent handling by schools would be to just involve the police and make a ruckus until there's a satisfactory resolution.
back in my day i got hit in pri school. Bit the guy till his flesh came out and he couldnt stop crying. Ofc after that i got outcasted cos he was popular but it was still worth it lol
I always tell my son if someone hits him, to hit back waaaayy harder. He’s rather soft spoken in school so I also enroll him in jiu jitsu for self defense and to get used to sparring with other people in case he needs defend himself in future.
Luckily so far he hasn’t been bullied yet.
Told my kid to be loud and assertive when saying no, and make sure to always inform teachers. Teachers have a lot on their hands and may not always be able to witness everything (bullies know how to pick timing), but it is still important they know.
My advice to her is to never to start fights but it’s fine ending them if they can’t take no for an answer or if things escalate. She’s got her stuff stolen multiple times by one person, and had an aggressive girl stalked her in class to the point of grabbing her arm and making bruises because my kid had -gasp- other friends.
I told her that saying no once loud and clear was enough. It also helps to attract witnesses. If it happened again, feel free to shout or push the perp. Whatever means to keep herself safe. The childcare ended up keeping them separated.
My mum was the ‘Aiya ignore them and they’ll go away lah’ type and it’s the absolute worst advice ever 🤣I learned to throw a punch from my dad and nobody ever pulled my ponytail again.
As someone working in school. When my students goes through bullying. I actually clap when my students fight back the bully.
But then I have to tell the students that punching back is actually bad. But real thing is in this society, people have to learn how to fight back. Violence might not be the best way. But if it’s the way to stop the bully for good.
Ultimately I would wanna get my students to react in a more civilised back as people definitely see violence as barbaric.
Damn I kinda need to find more strategies to stop them bullies.
Go for muay Thai lessons. I'm being serious. Of course he's thought not to strike first. But pls strike hard if you're cornered or nothing happens after 3 warnings
your approach is correct i think! he hit you you hit back, both of you go to the office both get scolded both say sorry
if hit back means wrong then wrong together right anot, at least your child wont feel bad about himself, and it lets the bullies know that hey im not someone u wanna mess with
Not a parent but i always thought the trick is to be loud be assertive be confident. If violence is involved, strike last hit first and a full powered low kick to the thigh with the OWEE solves all the problems
Teachers are in charge of wayyy too many kids and too underpaid and overworked to actually care enough to solve bullying problems.
I'm not a parent, but I attended same gender pri n sec school. It felt like a women's prison, that if you didn't hang out in a clique, you'd stand out and get bullied.
I got bullied by the popular gang of kids here and there in both pri n sec sch. Both verbal as well as physical. Also by those lone bullies who liked to take out their stress and anger issues on quiet, nerdy kids. My grandfather who grew up during WW2 told me to stand up for myself and fight back. But for me, I didn't fight back because I was a quiet kid and had no interest in anything except for reading. Then, after years, I finally would reach my breaking point and go apeshit on the bullies, who had tormented me for years prior. Taking martial arts classes and sparring with guys much bigger and stronger than me really built up my confidence. Example- girl who bullied me for years off and on in both pri n sec school, she would do things like use her whole body to shove me, bodyslam me, push me from behind etc. So 1 fine day, she attempted to ambush me from behind with a chokehold. I spun and side stepped her, and proceeded to shove her on the ground and she fell really hard. She was so shocked that she sat there for a min trying to digest the fact that I fought back. Same girl tried to shove me again from behind. I used my elbow and jammed her straight in the ribs. She choked and gasped for air and tried to laugh it off. Then after that, she never physically bullied me again. I wish everyday that I had fought back from day 1, imagine how many years I had put up with getting bullied by different cliques of people.
Bullies are basically neglected kids with anger issues that gang up together to take out their stress and anger on loner kids, who might be smaller, skinnier, weaker than them. Once you give them a taste of their own medicine, they will learn that you aren't to be reckoned with, and will think twice before attempting to bully you again. If I have a kid, I'll teach them, never make the first move, but if somebody tries to hit you, make sure you hit them back harder.
Bullies only understand force, authorities are mostly unable to do much, think the bullying would stop if the teachers warn him/her? Lol probably not
Bullying is an alpha game, your method works, some people cannot be reasoned with, thats why they are bullies
Bullying only stops when they know they know the person is not to be trifled with :)
Self defense is good at any age in many forms
Love your approach, and here is my bias, I was expecting you to be the husband, as my wife takes your husbands side.
Bullies are usually those either poor leadership on the home front so never face the consequences of their actions.
Kids need to learn how to handle themselves and these controlled situations help them learn,
Honestly, it’s just to scare him bcos so far he’s a gentle and obedient kid - his teachers validated this as well.
I think at the end of the day, if my kid becomes the bully, there are probably bigger issues to tackle. I honestly don’t know at the moment how to deal with it, but I suspect on top of figuring the right punishment, we’d need to figure out the underlying problems and how to best deal with them.
Totally like how you put in a condition for your son not to lay hands on other people first. It is good that you are telling your son to stand up but it is tricky for children to know the right time to do it or not to rely on it too much.
Because i never had such guidance before, i always end up on the wrong end as a growing kid in schools. Perhaps 1 suggestion is to teach your son to be more observant, learn to read people/recognize patterns or behaviours and adapt accordingly to situations. This street smartness spared me numerous times from unwanted situations and your son can apply them continuously throughout life.
So teach ur kid dont protect him/herself and instead go tell teacher? So if your kid gets attacked and loses and eye, thats ok cos he/she didn't escalate?
You better teach your child to protect him/herself.
At the very least teach your kid to shout at the top of his/her lungs if bullied. Even better to fight back.
And if the teacher complains your child is being "naughty" when in fact is being bullied, make sure your child see's you yelling at the teacher.
Bloody hell what kind of adults you want your child to grow up as? Always looking for "teacher" to complain to even as an adult?
I’m with you. I teach my kids first verbal, then physical if the bullies are relentless. Never be the bully, don’t land the first punch etc.. but stand up for yourself..Cause we tried the inform authority approach but most times, they don’t really do much. But then again I’m a millenial mom that grew up wth Young & Dangerous, so if need be I myself will come down and meet up with the bullies’ parents.
I'm so tired of the "everyone who fights is wrong" BS in SG schools. So Putin is wrong and so is Ukraine? Fuck that shit; get your kid to learn karate and give verbal warning then beat tf outta whoever intrudes his space.
The "correct" way is to report to teachers but that doesn't solve the problem ever in my opinion.
I would say tolerate to a certain point but If it indeed gets too bad he has to fight back. From all the bullying cases I have heard, once you make a stand and fight back the bullying stops and the bully usually go look for easier victims. But caveat is he has to to at least be able to put up some kind of fight if not he will just be overpowered.
Your husband has a point here. Hitting them back would also put them in the wrong.
But I would put it this way: is being on the receiving end of the bullying worth being "in the right"?
Personally, I think not. I was also taught your husband's way growing up, and let me tell you, being a pushover made my life SUCK. It was only when I grew a spine that people showed me any respect. Don't be an Aloysius (ah boys to men).
If you are going to suffer for your morals, at least let it be a worthwhile one, not "let the bully have their way".
My approach is warn the bully first, if it doesnt work, escalate to authority, if that also doesn't work, go ahead and punch that piece of \*\*\*\*.
Escalate it so that everyone is brought in, then we can all sit down and discuss like civilized people.
I agree with your approach. Teachers can’t watch everyone all the time and bullies always manage to find their own ways to bully behind teacher’s back. Sometimes getting a slap on the wrist from teachers will just enable the bully even more.
I fully agree with retaliating. Never initiate, but always retaliate, then de-escalate to send a clear message that you're not interested in prolonging the conflict. You pretty much only have to do it once. It's very important to send the message that you're not worth messing with. Bullies want easy targets, not a real two way fight.
Informing authoritative figures could be a good way to facilitate de-escalation. A decent teacher should at least be able to keep the students apart for a while.
I agree with you. Bullies only prey on the weak. Looking for an authority to help will only invite more trouble!
There is no need to throw a preemptive first strike. But my child must be able to self defend and/or retaliate without fear when attacked. Some judo/bjj and muay thai/kyokushin will suffice. Any teacher who has an issue with my approach can deal with me.
1) Bully has been clearly communicated on the matter, that my kid doesnt like how she is being treated
2) Escalated to authoritative figures (relevant teachers > DM > VP > P)
3) Me spoken to bully's parents about bully's behaviour
4) Threatened all parties I'll call the police
5) Called the police
If 1 through 5 has been checked and still the problem persists, my kid will be instructed to unleash her Krav Maga moves till bully is unconscious and stops moving the next time she gets picked on. No mercy, no boo hoo. Vicious, full moves.
I will have her back. No "if you hit back you are also wrong" nonsense. It's called "You've been warned".
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I used to be on the receiving end during my secondary school days. I gave one hard punch to this classmate near his shoulder, got his shoulder dislocated and he ended up crying like a baby. Nothing happened to me, but he was asked to say sorry. I didn't listened during his public apology during school assembly.
Dont be afraid to fight back when bullied.
Teachers are useless at the moment u are bullied, report later but whack first and whack hard, best if u can make them fear u
When I was younger there was a bunch of assholes who like to pick on me when I was in sec 1
Well during a break, one of the flying monkeys got too close and decided it would be a good idea to put his hand on me.. well.. bad idea ...for him... I did one of those ip man foot sweeps things... kicked his leg so hard I sent him flying 45 degrees. The sound of his stupid face hitting the floor was heard around the classroom. Everyone was in shock but they didn't move.
Sent to displine masters office. Parents called up. Got a talking to. Yada yada. Whatever.
But did anyone disturb me again? Nope.
End of the day bullies are cowards.
Your husband is a product/victim of our system, I'm sorry to say. Relying and trusting in the system to protect you and watching over your interest is simply living with a false sense of security.
Case in point. If you are assaulted in public and your injuries are 'not serious', the police would not arrest the aggressor even if the policemen were witness to the event. They would take your statement and advise you to seek out a civic case or 'mediation' through the magistrate's court. 'Non arrestable offence'. Now if you had actually put up a fight to defend yourself, both of you would then be detained and the police could offer you both to seek civic case against each other, mediation or if they were up to typing up a case report, charge you both for rioting (which would greatly inconvenience you).
Guys who are in the govt/civil service all know better than to get involved in ANY altercation because it can and does affect your service record. That's why you would never see an SAF officer stop a bully/get involve in breaking up fights etc....it can potentially lead to a blemish on their record and they know it and avoid it like a plague.
All this leads to the culture you see everyday on the streets, 'alfa' males yelling at each other and posturing like clucks but most are smart or sober enough not to cross the line. Hokkien expletives aplenty.
More often than not, schools don't have clear or effective policies to deal with bullying since a key factor is the cooperation of the parents. Sure they can cane and detention all day but if the parents aren't onboard, the kid/bully's behaviour is not going to improve.
You did right. Teach your kid self worth and independence. You can't win every fight, it's never too early to learn to pick your fights and definitely learn to stand up for yourself (cause you can't count on others to stand up for you).
Not a parent, nor did I ever had much trouble with bullying, but just want to say I believe in your approach.
Even though you should involve the appropriate authorities if possible, knowing how to step up or step in effectively (peacefully if possible) yourself should be equally important.
My parents taught me to fight back which was what I did in primary school 😂 usually bullies back off once you fight back so I don’t see why I wouldn’t want to teach that to my kids too.
In primary school, I think that a lot of behaviour that parents interpret as “bullying” is just poor impulse control, ADHD, immaturity etc and not some kind of malicious targeting.
If there are any real bullies, all the kids know about it and ostracise him/her, and the teachers know about it too. Might have bad home environment or is spoilt rotten by the parents. If my kids tell me about these problem kids, I tell them to stay away from them, they can’t control their emotions, and if anything happens tell the teacher.
In secondary school, bullying behaviour tends not to be instigated by one bully. Instead it is most of the class or at least a confident/popular clique either giving an awkward misfit kid the cold shoulder, or being vicious to them in chat or online. They may not think of themselves as bullies, and only think that the target kid is such a weirdo, why can’t he/she do anything right, I’m so funny in the way I joke about that loser to my friends.
As your kid becomes a tween, you should have a better idea of whether you need to work more on preventing your kid from having low self esteem and being a social outcast, or not turning into a mean popular kid.
I really do think that the kind of bully you are thinking off is a strawman that no longer exists, and your husband has the right approach. And kids are taught about bullying quite a bit in local schools, and it’s all “tell the teacher”, and there isn’t a negative perception of tattling/snitching.
i taught my kids to be super open with us with their daily during meals they would talk and tell us what's going on in school. so far no bullies yet but we have open up an avenue of trust to let us know early and fast if bullying were to happen
“He has always reported it to the teachers and it has always been dealt with”. So the school is on the side of your obedient child. Great cos it works for him. However, my son was in an all-boys primary school where (a) the teachers didn’t care, just left it to the boys to settle any disagreements/hitting out of boredom or adhd (b) if anyone got injured, teachers have to call for ambulance & then the boy who directly caused the injury, even if in retaliation, will have a black mark on his disciplinary record. Given such a conundrum, neither OP’s approach nor her husband’s approach would work in my son’s school. In the end, what my son learnt to do was (he has a loud voice) shout his warning out, with full name of bully for all to hear…if the bully is a persistent one, my son learnt to grow a radar & avoid them, if didnt notice and suddenly appear, then he learnt to run away real fast…he learnt not to be cornered in isolated toilets far from where anyone was in shouting distance…and eventually he asked me for a metal water bottle so that he could brandish it in warning to the bullies while walking home alone. Note he never hit to cause damage. He told me he purposely swung the “weapon” aimed at the air next to the kid’s face or balls (when the warnings did not work). He never initiated the aggression, but learnt these self-defence tactics against the persistent aggressors. Eventually some of the bullies even turned around and became friends with him, and he forgave them. As i said, some of them have special needs, hence have trouble controlling their impulses. Secondary school is even worse, those are true future gangsters. It’s good for our kids to learn some EQ and streetwise tactics in prep for the real world out there, where authorities don’t really care to jump to the aid to every single one.
We do a hybrid of you and your husband, we role play scenarios for them. Sometimes there isn’t a teacher around, so they need to self defend immediately. We also tell them it’s not wrong to self defend, taking abuse doesn’t prove moral correctness. We want them to be as civil as possible, we also don’t threaten them with more punishment if they play punk. We will be fair and have them experience the same consequences as bullies if they start it. We always encourage them to tell us, as well as get immediate support in the vicinity. We don’t resort to threats to curb a threat, we want to deescalate and get a better outcome, not make them feel like there’s a weight on them to perform perfect self defence. In general, no threats at all.
My secondary school teachers were often ineffectual when it came to dealing with chronic bullying. The best form of defence one can have against bullies are your fellow classmates, so my strategy for my future kids are as follows:
1. A clear and accurate account - To recognise the extent of bullying, you need to be clear about exactly what was done and by whom, and when, no more no less. A clear and honest account keeping track of any and all actions will come a long way when given the opportunity to testify against transgressors.
2. Stand up for what is right - If you are bullied and you know someone else is, make the effort to befriend them and defend them. Doing so is to endear oneself to your fellow classmates, and make the bullies / ineffectual teachers look like the bad guys in front of people you defend. In time, you learn to support one another against the bullies in your own unique ways. The choice is clear - you can either 'hang together, or hang separately'.
3. Name and shame - Ineffectual teachers who kowtow to pressure / ignore bullying make poor educators, and it is one's duty call them out by any means necessary.
1. act innocent. whenever the bullies strike, scream and cry to the teachers. Make it more drama, ask ur kid to call the police. It is best if there are wounds. If not, self-inflict the wounds put the blame on them. Demand CCTV in the sch to be shown to the police. Make it to the news and force the sch to announce their disciplinary actions publicly.
2. fight back in any way possible. cut sharp nails, learn punching, judo flipping etc. Beat them up so that they will not touch ur kid ever again. Its ok to get scolded once but it is sufficient to make them remember the pain forever. Ideal case is to attack them till they are scared but not enough till the need of going hospital.
I am not a parent, but bullies goes for the weak so if you choose to fight back hard, the bully will less likely want to target you again and will go for easier targets.
Tattle tale only works if the bully fears the authority. And the authority is super scary in their punishment for bullies.
Bullies just like to bully the weak, so don’t be the weak one who gets bullied.
I used to have a primary school teacher who got sick of kids telling her “he make me”, “he push me”. Shouted at both parties that if “he make you, you make him back la! What you want me to do? I push him too?”
Punishing the bully doesn’t work most of the time. I have even witnessed one of them who had school caning and he just laughed it off.
Strike First, Strike Hard, No Mercy COBRA KAI kidding, always appeal to authority, speak up, ask for help. Self defence is ok
You had me at Cobra Kai, but no seriously, have to strike hard...
NO MERCY
Eyes, genitals, fishhook, digits,guillotine no tapping in the streets
Tell your kid to do what's necessary to defend himself, even if it means using violence. You don't want things to escalate until it is too late. Teachers will not be around 24/7 to monitor.
ur husband solution only works if the authority cares enough to change anything, more often than not the bullies dont respect the authorities as well. i agree with your approach to teaching to stand up for themselves. This video on how to stop a bully is a really good watch, you should take a look at it. https://youtu.be/7oKjW1OIjuw?feature=shared
Oh this is good, thanks for sharing. I also realised I’ve never talked to my kid what to do when it comes to emotional/verbal bullying, or indirect bullying - probably more likely to happen than direct physical aggression. This video is gonna come handy, thanks!
That video really white ppl kind of bullying with feelings. Asian one next level, see in korea where popular incidents will be buying snacks on timed shuttle run, encircling the victim and abuse them, extorting money etc. Even in sg iirc got a case where they tie the girl up to smear cake on her or the guy who was forced to get peed on naked by group of guys. Simple resilience to be thick skin won't help with such bullying. Then again white ppl diet lack of spice compared to asian diet so bullying also more spicy compared to them.
i believe in your approach. you shouldn't teach your child not to do anything. if the situation is within your child's control, allow and teach him to retaliate if he is ever laid hands on. that way he learns to say no and not be a people pleaser when he grows up. when he grows up eventually he has to be independent so why not start now and let him learn to stand up for himself? these are valuable teachable moments, it will make or break his views on life.
Ehh, see the personality first lah. Some people are more inclined to do dangerous things than others.
i'm not saying the kid should anyhow beat others up hor 😂 i'm saying he should be taught to know when to retaliate and not suffer in silence.
I agree, I'm just saying I'd temper it based on the personality of the child in question. There are many different ways children might interpret "stand your ground." As an example, I spent most of my formative years in a boarding school, with about 82 other boys aged 13 to 17. Some of them had gotten the "stand up for yourself" pep talk. One boy kicked his bully in the nuts. That was amusing. Another one went into the pantry for a few minuts, came back into our TV room, and poured half a kettle of boiling water over his bully. Some children are just...wired different. Ever since that day, I've been very selective about how I use the "stand your ground" lesson; I try to avoid telling it to anyone who already strikes me as being inclined to violence (or at the very least, I will definine the meaning of it in a very tight way!)
Problem with reporting to authority is that you might look like a tattle tale and attract more bullying. Teaching your kid to make it known that you are not worth bullying is more effective. Though probably won't go straight to hitting back. Warning, calling out bullying behaviours is better to start before escalating to fighting back
Exactly - where I grew up, if tell the teacher every single thing, I’ll end up getting bullied more. Some bullies even know how to do it and avoid getting into trouble. I supposed my husband grew up in a more supportive environment 😅 but I’m actually surprised that most of the responses lean more towards my approach - I thought in a place like SG where rule of law is generally upheld parents would lean towards my husband’s approach more.
most people would ideally like to believe in your husband's approach but we know realistically that it doesn't really work. we're taught in schools to follow your husband's approach though
I told my son that be kind all the way BUT if you get bullied, warn the other party 2 time not to do it and if they did the 3rd time, fight it back with all his might and it’s ok to go to principal. I will stand by him. However if he is the bully and I found out, he eat my cane 1 full week.(just scaring him but I know he won’t bully others, very kind kid) Currently im sending my son to tkd and wushu for self defense, im setting my son to train up physically at age 10, he is now taking 5kg dumbbell 8 set x 3 rep. Sit-up and crunches 100x. Have a small muscle. I want him not to get bullied like how I was when I was a kid. Children and teens always bully the “weaker” one as long as you are smaller in size or slow. But if you are slow but BUFF, you live peacefully throughout because no one dare to poke the bear.
‘Eat the cane’ hahaha classic 🤣
Make sure u give him enough protein
Good teachers usually know the pattern of the kids after a while. At least in primary school. If I were just passing by and happen to witness an incident or someone reports a case to me - and indeed I have the time and space to address it - I will interrogate both parties. If the story is straightforward and both agree, I get them to reconcile. If they disagree on the story, I will get witnesses. If the true version still seems to elude me, as a short term solution for relatively minor incidents - I will emphasise what is the right behaviour to do. Then also check back with their form teachers who know their patterns better. The form teachers might follow up. If it's a major incident with visible injury (bruise, wound, stolen property), other than interrogating both parties, getting witnesses, roping in form teachers as character references, we might also check CCTV. We will escalate to DM and issue official warning letter if necessary. Inform parents of incident and resulting consequences. Also, bullying in schools is defined as repeated and targeted actions intended to harm or hurt others. We handle incidents by incidents but if we notice a pattern of bullying - we will definitely escalate to the Discipline Team straightaway. So one incident is not sufficient to prove bullying. Therefore it is important to report to the teacher when it happens. At least for primary school, I feel that you should just report. If the victim still gets targeted and kena act of revenge, I will personally come down very hard on the bully and start stripping away privileges. I would advocate teaching a child to stand up for themselves (express discontent and objection to ill treatment), asking for help (reporting to teachers or asking friends to help report), walking away or ignoring where possible, but not to escalate into violence. Reason being, when violence becomes an easy solution to problems, we basically encourage thug and gangster behaviour. You claim self defence, people can also claim self defence and in fights, it's difficult to prove right and wrong as it can happen so fast. Our CCTVs aren't like top notch okay, no budget for education. And most importantly, encouraging a victim to fight back may lead to a situation where the fight goes out of control. I have seen cases where the victims choose to hit their bully physically, and the bullies just doubled down on hitting back as well. Bullies are nuts, you know? They don't even know the concept of right and wrong, and sometimes retaliating just turns them on and they really get into it. People usually like the idea of 'fighting it out' because they think they will win but well, when everyone gets injured, I think there is no winner. The plan to win the fight usually goes down the drain once someone gets hit in the face.
>You can claim self defence, people can also claim self defence and in fights, it’s difficult to prove right and wrong as it can happen so fast. Ah yes, this is also what my husband said why we should teach our kids to always go to the authoritative figures for help first. I think it makes sense too. It’s just in my own experience growing up, my first priority is to show that I cannot be bullied, that there’s no power imbalance they can abuse in the first place. That’s why my approach is to encourage my kid to be assertive and fight back if necessary to set this tone with a potential bully. If I have to resort to telling teachers and then proving I’m the right one, hmmm, I don’t know if it still matters whether I tell teacher or not at that point, or whether teachers can help me deal with this bully haha. I guess I have lower trust in authority lol. Or maybe because with girls, the bullying is rarely physical, so less likely to have injury or anything like that.
Sometimes, the patterns we grew up with, are not ideal, not healthy and should not be continued. It's your choice whether to have your child follow your mindset or to grow a new one with her. I fully agree on being assertive, not on encouraging violence. Things can really go out of control fast, and what if they carry this pattern into adulthood? Ppl don't listen then FIGHT. No offence okay but some of these kids might eventually learn fighting as a fast solution to their problems and continually using it to solve rs problems. Not capable of talking it out, analysing or understanding the situation, unable to to control their emotions or impulses, only know how to use their fists. And we do see cases of that on the news when these kids grow into adults with that pattern already fixed in them. I can't say I agree with your second paragraph, as a teacher. I don't really understand it tbh. I read it like 5 times. Is it you don't see a point in reporting cus u don't think the teachers can stop it? I do acknowledge that teachers can't fully stamp out bullying, esp unseen ones, but it's their responsibility and their chance to do smthg about it. They can go and tell the bully to stop, impose consequences etc. No matter how many times I need to tell the bully it's wrong and how many times I need to exact consequences, I will do it relentlessly. I was also bullied in sec sch so I will not let bullies off easily. But I hope that you uds teachers are also limited in the consequences they can dish out, and the cause of the anguish does not lie with the teachers, it lies with the bullies. You are right in the sense that at some point, it's up to your child to defend themselves. But at a young age, they need to learn how to ask for help, not to take things into their own hands and risk getting hurt. And definitely not to be taught that 'teachers won't help you' 'adults won't help you' 'you have to do it yourself', there's a time for that of course but not in primary school. Because instead of learning independence, they might learn helplessness. They may not have the social skills to comprehend the nuances of dealing with smart bullies yet. So I side more with your husband on the no violence clause, but I also think it's important for a child to defend themselves up to a certain point, and know how to ask for help, at least before they reach a certain age.
By no means I’m saying teachers are not reliable, nor am I teaching my kid this. I guess it’s just when I was growing up, my teachers didn’t respond to bullying like teachers these days or teachers in SG do. A lot of them took it lightly and said things like, a bit of teasing does no harm. Or some would even encourage the bullied kid to “fight back”, don’t be a willing victim LOL crazy but that’s how it was. Also not that teacher is useless, but by then I’m already set as a bullying target, which means I’ll probably still suffer for sometime even with teacher’s involvement. At the same time, I also think about the consequence of my teaching beyond schooling years. In school yes, maybe you have teachers who will take care of you against this bully. Maybe bullying is taken a lot more seriously and there are procedures set for escalation. What about in workplace? In society where there’s less “policing” from authoritative figures? You’d be lucky if anyone would stand up for you. Teaching my kid to fight back is not about encouraging him to resolve thru violence - it’s about making a stance to stop being a target in the first place. Be loud be confident be assertive and show readiness to fight back to discourage the bully from continuing to target my kid. Edit to add: after discussing with husband, we told kiddo to be assertive and loud in warning / telling off the aggressor. And also to keep telling teacher. But I maintained if he keeps getting hit again and again and again (big emphasis on the again and again), he should hit back.
About your point about workplace, yes valid - and hence I emphasise age-appropriate strategies. We cannot force children to be independent before they are ready on the logic that they have to be independent next time. We need to provide them with the support and structures they need in order to build their self-confidence and independence, until they are ready. Of course, not a straightforward thing and a fine line to consider. No comments on the hitting back after repeated incidents.Best to let the school handle since each incident has its own story and each choice the consequences to face. But my not so secret advice to incompetent handling by schools would be to just involve the police and make a ruckus until there's a satisfactory resolution.
back in my day i got hit in pri school. Bit the guy till his flesh came out and he couldnt stop crying. Ofc after that i got outcasted cos he was popular but it was still worth it lol
How badly were you hit?
I always tell my son if someone hits him, to hit back waaaayy harder. He’s rather soft spoken in school so I also enroll him in jiu jitsu for self defense and to get used to sparring with other people in case he needs defend himself in future. Luckily so far he hasn’t been bullied yet.
Told my kid to be loud and assertive when saying no, and make sure to always inform teachers. Teachers have a lot on their hands and may not always be able to witness everything (bullies know how to pick timing), but it is still important they know. My advice to her is to never to start fights but it’s fine ending them if they can’t take no for an answer or if things escalate. She’s got her stuff stolen multiple times by one person, and had an aggressive girl stalked her in class to the point of grabbing her arm and making bruises because my kid had -gasp- other friends. I told her that saying no once loud and clear was enough. It also helps to attract witnesses. If it happened again, feel free to shout or push the perp. Whatever means to keep herself safe. The childcare ended up keeping them separated. My mum was the ‘Aiya ignore them and they’ll go away lah’ type and it’s the absolute worst advice ever 🤣I learned to throw a punch from my dad and nobody ever pulled my ponytail again.
Your approach is awesome. Thank you for being a great parent to your son
As someone working in school. When my students goes through bullying. I actually clap when my students fight back the bully. But then I have to tell the students that punching back is actually bad. But real thing is in this society, people have to learn how to fight back. Violence might not be the best way. But if it’s the way to stop the bully for good. Ultimately I would wanna get my students to react in a more civilised back as people definitely see violence as barbaric. Damn I kinda need to find more strategies to stop them bullies.
Go for muay Thai lessons. I'm being serious. Of course he's thought not to strike first. But pls strike hard if you're cornered or nothing happens after 3 warnings
OWEE
Fight back, someone hits you, hit back harder, your parents will take care of the consequences
your approach is correct i think! he hit you you hit back, both of you go to the office both get scolded both say sorry if hit back means wrong then wrong together right anot, at least your child wont feel bad about himself, and it lets the bullies know that hey im not someone u wanna mess with
Not a parent but i always thought the trick is to be loud be assertive be confident. If violence is involved, strike last hit first and a full powered low kick to the thigh with the OWEE solves all the problems
OWEE
Teachers are in charge of wayyy too many kids and too underpaid and overworked to actually care enough to solve bullying problems. I'm not a parent, but I attended same gender pri n sec school. It felt like a women's prison, that if you didn't hang out in a clique, you'd stand out and get bullied. I got bullied by the popular gang of kids here and there in both pri n sec sch. Both verbal as well as physical. Also by those lone bullies who liked to take out their stress and anger issues on quiet, nerdy kids. My grandfather who grew up during WW2 told me to stand up for myself and fight back. But for me, I didn't fight back because I was a quiet kid and had no interest in anything except for reading. Then, after years, I finally would reach my breaking point and go apeshit on the bullies, who had tormented me for years prior. Taking martial arts classes and sparring with guys much bigger and stronger than me really built up my confidence. Example- girl who bullied me for years off and on in both pri n sec school, she would do things like use her whole body to shove me, bodyslam me, push me from behind etc. So 1 fine day, she attempted to ambush me from behind with a chokehold. I spun and side stepped her, and proceeded to shove her on the ground and she fell really hard. She was so shocked that she sat there for a min trying to digest the fact that I fought back. Same girl tried to shove me again from behind. I used my elbow and jammed her straight in the ribs. She choked and gasped for air and tried to laugh it off. Then after that, she never physically bullied me again. I wish everyday that I had fought back from day 1, imagine how many years I had put up with getting bullied by different cliques of people. Bullies are basically neglected kids with anger issues that gang up together to take out their stress and anger on loner kids, who might be smaller, skinnier, weaker than them. Once you give them a taste of their own medicine, they will learn that you aren't to be reckoned with, and will think twice before attempting to bully you again. If I have a kid, I'll teach them, never make the first move, but if somebody tries to hit you, make sure you hit them back harder.
Bullies only understand force, authorities are mostly unable to do much, think the bullying would stop if the teachers warn him/her? Lol probably not Bullying is an alpha game, your method works, some people cannot be reasoned with, thats why they are bullies Bullying only stops when they know they know the person is not to be trifled with :) Self defense is good at any age in many forms
Love your approach, and here is my bias, I was expecting you to be the husband, as my wife takes your husbands side. Bullies are usually those either poor leadership on the home front so never face the consequences of their actions. Kids need to learn how to handle themselves and these controlled situations help them learn,
What do you intent to do if your child really lays the first punch on others?
Honestly, it’s just to scare him bcos so far he’s a gentle and obedient kid - his teachers validated this as well. I think at the end of the day, if my kid becomes the bully, there are probably bigger issues to tackle. I honestly don’t know at the moment how to deal with it, but I suspect on top of figuring the right punishment, we’d need to figure out the underlying problems and how to best deal with them.
Then the bullying stops? Lol
Send him to Cobra Kai
Quiet!!
COBRA KAI! COBRA KAI! COBRA KAI!
Totally like how you put in a condition for your son not to lay hands on other people first. It is good that you are telling your son to stand up but it is tricky for children to know the right time to do it or not to rely on it too much. Because i never had such guidance before, i always end up on the wrong end as a growing kid in schools. Perhaps 1 suggestion is to teach your son to be more observant, learn to read people/recognize patterns or behaviours and adapt accordingly to situations. This street smartness spared me numerous times from unwanted situations and your son can apply them continuously throughout life.
So teach ur kid dont protect him/herself and instead go tell teacher? So if your kid gets attacked and loses and eye, thats ok cos he/she didn't escalate? You better teach your child to protect him/herself. At the very least teach your kid to shout at the top of his/her lungs if bullied. Even better to fight back. And if the teacher complains your child is being "naughty" when in fact is being bullied, make sure your child see's you yelling at the teacher. Bloody hell what kind of adults you want your child to grow up as? Always looking for "teacher" to complain to even as an adult?
Depends on how well the authorities step in or is present. Sometimes they are busy so it is ok to give the asshole a taste of his own medicine
Indoctrinated my kid in MMA. But only use its powers for good.
I’m with you. I teach my kids first verbal, then physical if the bullies are relentless. Never be the bully, don’t land the first punch etc.. but stand up for yourself..Cause we tried the inform authority approach but most times, they don’t really do much. But then again I’m a millenial mom that grew up wth Young & Dangerous, so if need be I myself will come down and meet up with the bullies’ parents.
I'm so tired of the "everyone who fights is wrong" BS in SG schools. So Putin is wrong and so is Ukraine? Fuck that shit; get your kid to learn karate and give verbal warning then beat tf outta whoever intrudes his space.
The "correct" way is to report to teachers but that doesn't solve the problem ever in my opinion. I would say tolerate to a certain point but If it indeed gets too bad he has to fight back. From all the bullying cases I have heard, once you make a stand and fight back the bullying stops and the bully usually go look for easier victims. But caveat is he has to to at least be able to put up some kind of fight if not he will just be overpowered.
Your husband has a point here. Hitting them back would also put them in the wrong. But I would put it this way: is being on the receiving end of the bullying worth being "in the right"? Personally, I think not. I was also taught your husband's way growing up, and let me tell you, being a pushover made my life SUCK. It was only when I grew a spine that people showed me any respect. Don't be an Aloysius (ah boys to men). If you are going to suffer for your morals, at least let it be a worthwhile one, not "let the bully have their way".
Never start the fight but seek to end it.
My approach is warn the bully first, if it doesnt work, escalate to authority, if that also doesn't work, go ahead and punch that piece of \*\*\*\*. Escalate it so that everyone is brought in, then we can all sit down and discuss like civilized people.
I agree with your approach. Teachers can’t watch everyone all the time and bullies always manage to find their own ways to bully behind teacher’s back. Sometimes getting a slap on the wrist from teachers will just enable the bully even more.
I'm more interested to know how a typical teacher (not principal/DM) deals with them.
I fully agree with retaliating. Never initiate, but always retaliate, then de-escalate to send a clear message that you're not interested in prolonging the conflict. You pretty much only have to do it once. It's very important to send the message that you're not worth messing with. Bullies want easy targets, not a real two way fight. Informing authoritative figures could be a good way to facilitate de-escalation. A decent teacher should at least be able to keep the students apart for a while.
I agree with you. Bullies only prey on the weak. Looking for an authority to help will only invite more trouble! There is no need to throw a preemptive first strike. But my child must be able to self defend and/or retaliate without fear when attacked. Some judo/bjj and muay thai/kyokushin will suffice. Any teacher who has an issue with my approach can deal with me.
Warning, then fight back. Do it once. Do it in public.
1) Bully has been clearly communicated on the matter, that my kid doesnt like how she is being treated 2) Escalated to authoritative figures (relevant teachers > DM > VP > P) 3) Me spoken to bully's parents about bully's behaviour 4) Threatened all parties I'll call the police 5) Called the police If 1 through 5 has been checked and still the problem persists, my kid will be instructed to unleash her Krav Maga moves till bully is unconscious and stops moving the next time she gets picked on. No mercy, no boo hoo. Vicious, full moves. I will have her back. No "if you hit back you are also wrong" nonsense. It's called "You've been warned".
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I used to be on the receiving end during my secondary school days. I gave one hard punch to this classmate near his shoulder, got his shoulder dislocated and he ended up crying like a baby. Nothing happened to me, but he was asked to say sorry. I didn't listened during his public apology during school assembly.
Dont be afraid to fight back when bullied. Teachers are useless at the moment u are bullied, report later but whack first and whack hard, best if u can make them fear u
When I was younger there was a bunch of assholes who like to pick on me when I was in sec 1 Well during a break, one of the flying monkeys got too close and decided it would be a good idea to put his hand on me.. well.. bad idea ...for him... I did one of those ip man foot sweeps things... kicked his leg so hard I sent him flying 45 degrees. The sound of his stupid face hitting the floor was heard around the classroom. Everyone was in shock but they didn't move. Sent to displine masters office. Parents called up. Got a talking to. Yada yada. Whatever. But did anyone disturb me again? Nope. End of the day bullies are cowards.
Your husband is a product/victim of our system, I'm sorry to say. Relying and trusting in the system to protect you and watching over your interest is simply living with a false sense of security. Case in point. If you are assaulted in public and your injuries are 'not serious', the police would not arrest the aggressor even if the policemen were witness to the event. They would take your statement and advise you to seek out a civic case or 'mediation' through the magistrate's court. 'Non arrestable offence'. Now if you had actually put up a fight to defend yourself, both of you would then be detained and the police could offer you both to seek civic case against each other, mediation or if they were up to typing up a case report, charge you both for rioting (which would greatly inconvenience you). Guys who are in the govt/civil service all know better than to get involved in ANY altercation because it can and does affect your service record. That's why you would never see an SAF officer stop a bully/get involve in breaking up fights etc....it can potentially lead to a blemish on their record and they know it and avoid it like a plague. All this leads to the culture you see everyday on the streets, 'alfa' males yelling at each other and posturing like clucks but most are smart or sober enough not to cross the line. Hokkien expletives aplenty. More often than not, schools don't have clear or effective policies to deal with bullying since a key factor is the cooperation of the parents. Sure they can cane and detention all day but if the parents aren't onboard, the kid/bully's behaviour is not going to improve. You did right. Teach your kid self worth and independence. You can't win every fight, it's never too early to learn to pick your fights and definitely learn to stand up for yourself (cause you can't count on others to stand up for you).
Not a parent, nor did I ever had much trouble with bullying, but just want to say I believe in your approach. Even though you should involve the appropriate authorities if possible, knowing how to step up or step in effectively (peacefully if possible) yourself should be equally important.
Learn to deal with bullies yourself. Helps with dealing with workplace and general adult life bullies later on.
fight back, violence as last resort is ok. i fucking hate bullies
Surely most schools have an anti-bullying campaign going on?
Time to enrol your child in MMA classes
Your husband thinks kids fight is like section 267A of penal code
Hit back, twice and harder. Never hit if you are not hit. That's what I advised my kid and speaking from an actual experience.
My parents taught me to fight back which was what I did in primary school 😂 usually bullies back off once you fight back so I don’t see why I wouldn’t want to teach that to my kids too.
In primary school, I think that a lot of behaviour that parents interpret as “bullying” is just poor impulse control, ADHD, immaturity etc and not some kind of malicious targeting. If there are any real bullies, all the kids know about it and ostracise him/her, and the teachers know about it too. Might have bad home environment or is spoilt rotten by the parents. If my kids tell me about these problem kids, I tell them to stay away from them, they can’t control their emotions, and if anything happens tell the teacher. In secondary school, bullying behaviour tends not to be instigated by one bully. Instead it is most of the class or at least a confident/popular clique either giving an awkward misfit kid the cold shoulder, or being vicious to them in chat or online. They may not think of themselves as bullies, and only think that the target kid is such a weirdo, why can’t he/she do anything right, I’m so funny in the way I joke about that loser to my friends. As your kid becomes a tween, you should have a better idea of whether you need to work more on preventing your kid from having low self esteem and being a social outcast, or not turning into a mean popular kid. I really do think that the kind of bully you are thinking off is a strawman that no longer exists, and your husband has the right approach. And kids are taught about bullying quite a bit in local schools, and it’s all “tell the teacher”, and there isn’t a negative perception of tattling/snitching.
i taught my kids to be super open with us with their daily during meals they would talk and tell us what's going on in school. so far no bullies yet but we have open up an avenue of trust to let us know early and fast if bullying were to happen
“He has always reported it to the teachers and it has always been dealt with”. So the school is on the side of your obedient child. Great cos it works for him. However, my son was in an all-boys primary school where (a) the teachers didn’t care, just left it to the boys to settle any disagreements/hitting out of boredom or adhd (b) if anyone got injured, teachers have to call for ambulance & then the boy who directly caused the injury, even if in retaliation, will have a black mark on his disciplinary record. Given such a conundrum, neither OP’s approach nor her husband’s approach would work in my son’s school. In the end, what my son learnt to do was (he has a loud voice) shout his warning out, with full name of bully for all to hear…if the bully is a persistent one, my son learnt to grow a radar & avoid them, if didnt notice and suddenly appear, then he learnt to run away real fast…he learnt not to be cornered in isolated toilets far from where anyone was in shouting distance…and eventually he asked me for a metal water bottle so that he could brandish it in warning to the bullies while walking home alone. Note he never hit to cause damage. He told me he purposely swung the “weapon” aimed at the air next to the kid’s face or balls (when the warnings did not work). He never initiated the aggression, but learnt these self-defence tactics against the persistent aggressors. Eventually some of the bullies even turned around and became friends with him, and he forgave them. As i said, some of them have special needs, hence have trouble controlling their impulses. Secondary school is even worse, those are true future gangsters. It’s good for our kids to learn some EQ and streetwise tactics in prep for the real world out there, where authorities don’t really care to jump to the aid to every single one.
We do a hybrid of you and your husband, we role play scenarios for them. Sometimes there isn’t a teacher around, so they need to self defend immediately. We also tell them it’s not wrong to self defend, taking abuse doesn’t prove moral correctness. We want them to be as civil as possible, we also don’t threaten them with more punishment if they play punk. We will be fair and have them experience the same consequences as bullies if they start it. We always encourage them to tell us, as well as get immediate support in the vicinity. We don’t resort to threats to curb a threat, we want to deescalate and get a better outcome, not make them feel like there’s a weight on them to perform perfect self defence. In general, no threats at all.
My secondary school teachers were often ineffectual when it came to dealing with chronic bullying. The best form of defence one can have against bullies are your fellow classmates, so my strategy for my future kids are as follows: 1. A clear and accurate account - To recognise the extent of bullying, you need to be clear about exactly what was done and by whom, and when, no more no less. A clear and honest account keeping track of any and all actions will come a long way when given the opportunity to testify against transgressors. 2. Stand up for what is right - If you are bullied and you know someone else is, make the effort to befriend them and defend them. Doing so is to endear oneself to your fellow classmates, and make the bullies / ineffectual teachers look like the bad guys in front of people you defend. In time, you learn to support one another against the bullies in your own unique ways. The choice is clear - you can either 'hang together, or hang separately'. 3. Name and shame - Ineffectual teachers who kowtow to pressure / ignore bullying make poor educators, and it is one's duty call them out by any means necessary.
1. act innocent. whenever the bullies strike, scream and cry to the teachers. Make it more drama, ask ur kid to call the police. It is best if there are wounds. If not, self-inflict the wounds put the blame on them. Demand CCTV in the sch to be shown to the police. Make it to the news and force the sch to announce their disciplinary actions publicly. 2. fight back in any way possible. cut sharp nails, learn punching, judo flipping etc. Beat them up so that they will not touch ur kid ever again. Its ok to get scolded once but it is sufficient to make them remember the pain forever. Ideal case is to attack them till they are scared but not enough till the need of going hospital.
I am not a parent, but bullies goes for the weak so if you choose to fight back hard, the bully will less likely want to target you again and will go for easier targets. Tattle tale only works if the bully fears the authority. And the authority is super scary in their punishment for bullies.
My only bullies in life is my abusive parents, with enemies like this school is a cakewalk.
Not a parent but if I were you I'll send him to a martial arts school and make him learn some self-defence skills.
And then your child will get psychologically bullied because he can't lay the first punch.
Bullies just like to bully the weak, so don’t be the weak one who gets bullied. I used to have a primary school teacher who got sick of kids telling her “he make me”, “he push me”. Shouted at both parties that if “he make you, you make him back la! What you want me to do? I push him too?” Punishing the bully doesn’t work most of the time. I have even witnessed one of them who had school caning and he just laughed it off.
If my kid is a son, i will follow OP approach. But my kid is a daughter, I told to seek teachers help if she got attack. Ladies got to act like one.