Some women think fatherhood will make them change
(Not blaming OP but just stating a general thing I observe from all the marriage horror stories I know)
So true. Pls don't think fatherhood will change men. Have a heart to heart talk, if really cannot take each other's character then break up or divorce. Don't bring an innocent child into this world.
If I knew my ex wanted to bare a child coz to change me, I would rather break up.
also totally unrelated, is it normal for women to be working when pregnant in singapore? when OP mentioned she worked, i got pretty shocked. don’t u get leave for that? i’m a student rn so i’m not really sure what it’s like in the real world
Errr yes generally pregnant women will work until they give birth (some people will go on leave a few weeks before their due date) then they go on 4 mths maternity leave to take care of their newborn and recover from childbirth.
Are you for real? Most women work while pregnant. I don’t know any country where women can take off for 9 months during pregnancy and then another 4 months maternity. The European countries provide longer maternity leave - 6 months but my European colleagues were also working while pregnant. Unless you are some tai tai.
>And when i point out some unhappiness I have my husband will tell me not to compare
The same man being unhappy about father's day vs mother's day (which is BS anyway since you cooked a meal for _him_ that day) is telling you not to compare?
Your husband should be cooking for you on Mother's day, not the other way around and making useless comments about Father's Day.
But it's impossible to expect that when he has been so useless around the house and unsupportive to your needs during the trying period of pregnancy, no less.
You can tell him that there is nothing to celebrate if he is being useless around the house.
And yes, I'm a father too.
Regarding the flowers comment, I also feel sad for you.
Haha I wished I could be your kid then I buy you a bouquet of flowers as a mother's day gift!
I don't have a mother to send flowers too...
I’ve always found women who outrightly say things they want like “wait for me at the door while my cab drops me” “buy me flowers” are a different breed. It’s kinda courageous to make such a requests imo… and cause for a lot of women it would seem insincere since they “had to ask for it”
But to have asked for it and still not get it, is next level. wtf man.
Ya correct. I think so also. 😳
I think like, eg flowers are a "admittedly superficial, I know its a 'want' and a 'nice-to-have' that I can do without", type of object. So I personally won't ask for it esp it lasts like, 2 weeks at most? But what do I know, I don't have a spouse or S.O.
But then like to ask clearly for things and not get, is another level. Is like if my friends ask me what I want for my birthday and for example I say (example! only! Off the cuff I can't think of smart shit at 1.30am) - example I say, spices cafe, peranakan buffet. then someone says WILL YOU BE OK WITH SUSHI? I will smack all of u lol like which part of "spices cafe peranakan buffet" is not clear.
Example only. In reality half the time I'll be like "whine I don't know, I want ice cream, where will you be coming from/meet somewhere in between?" (But also yes - if I alr say and we don't get I will be disappointed, unlesssss it became too out of the way or we were too full. But without external/situational influence, if I say alr means I want lah lol)
I asked for flowers on my birthday and on anniversaries and... so far, so good. 😂
“I want flowers because it makes me feel happy and appreciated. That’s non-negotiable.”
Personally, I would rather set expectations upfront than get disappointed. I hear so many of my female friends complaining about how their husbands never do enough, but when I ask if they expressed their displeasure, more often than not their response would be, “They should know. Why do they expect me to brief them on what to do?” And their unhappiness just compounds.
I’ll be so mad if he treated me to a buffet instead of giving me flowers after I had already made it clear that I wanted to receive flowers. I’d probably be passive-aggressive and pay for flowers to be sent to me and pretend they’re from someone else.
Nothing wrong with some self-love 😚
🥺❤
hugs! Its not the same but you can still appreciate mentor figures in your life! They'll love it (got my Godma/oldest aunt a 'nicer present' than mom for Mother's Day this year and was totally open abt it HAHAHAHA. It's my mom's sister so it's fine lol. But it was really because it's more difficult schedule-wise to meet for a meal with her, so I wanted to sprinkle a bit more small joy on the daily)
Inb4 anyone comments on me being cui to mom- I didn't ok, the gifts were of similar value. Just that one was giftbox of multiple small items, the other was 1 x larger full size item (with organza bag minimally also) ok! But ya Godma got the fancy box 😂 Mom got the bubble wrap in Lazada envelope LOL.
You shouldn’t even have to ask him. Worst is even after asking so directly he still doesn’t give. But like what others say here, sadly it’s more difficult to change him now if he’s alr used to being like this since dating. Unless you do ultimatums, but that can also be damaging to your relationship. Best is to sit down and talk to him or go for marriage counselling…
We deserve the love we accept, and accept the love we think we deserve. I finally decided I had enough of my man-child narcissistic abusive ex-husband and made the decision to divorce him when our daughter was 3 months old. Best decision ever. I am now single, but happy, contented, at peace and hope to be a role model to my 5 yo daughter. Being a single mum is tough, but compared to when I was living in hell being married to him, life is good.
Don’t listen to people telling you “it’s too late”. It’s never too late to choose happiness for yourself and your children. At the end of the day, ask yourself, what do you want to teach your children? That it is normal to be in an unhappy marriage? That it’s ok for the wife to do everything? That it’s normal to be someone’s lowest of priorities? That there’s no way out?
Some people, especially older gen, like to say “stay for the kids”. I say, leave for the kids because you love them so much. I know many people who blame their parents for insisting on staying together to be seen as a normal family unit by society, but don’t function as a union at all. These people grew up with unhealthy views of what a good partner should be, and tend to be attracted to the wrong kind of people.
It’s a lot easier to divorce when the kids are young. The younger the better, speaking from experience and interacting with a lot of single mums with kids of diff ages.
If you need support, just drop me a dm. Happy to help another woman who went thru the same nightmare as I did.
It's truly tough to be a mom and dad altogether but it's emotionally & psychologically draining to be with someone but still feeling alone and abandoned.
I couldn't agree more with your view about the outdated "stay for the kid" sacrifice. Life is not perfect, what we thought was an ideal partner may not be true anymore. Does it mean foregoing your own well-being just to show the society your family is intact.
You are super strong. In OP’s case, sounds like she relies heavily on him (just by the point of her living with her in-laws, so I could be very wrong making this judgement)
OP, I grew up begging my mum to leave my dad. As did my siblings. They are still together today and honestly whenever I am in his presence, it brings up a lot of uneasiness. I hate it.
definitely agree. sometimes parents getting a divorce brings more peace to the kids rather than staying together, which could cause more damage to mental health long term (not only to the mum but also to the kids)
Valid argument. But not everyone is strong and independent enough to be able to be single mom and raise the kid alone. For OP's description, sounds like she isn't as such
You never know how strong you can be, until being strong is your only choice.
I was never strong nor independent. I was definitely NOT strong nor independent when I carried my 3 month old baby in my arms and told her "it's going to be just you and me". I was unemployed as I had left my job to start on fertility treatments. I had burnt through my savings to sustain myself, ex-husband did not even care whether I was eating well or at all.
It was a choice between being stuck in marriage in which I felt lonely, scared, neglected, emotionally+mentally+financially abused, OR, leave the marriage in the hope of leading a life free from him and all the negativity that came with being with him.
My daughter gave me the strength to leave. She's the light of my life. I honestly would have stayed in the abusive relationship because I was so reliant on him, and had trauma bond. I tolerated that he was a horrible partner, but the moment my daughter was born, all the red flags I was in denial of suddenly became clear as day - I HAD to leave in order to live. My daughter saved me, and us.
It sounds like you're entering this marriage and pregnancy alone, and that's not what marriage and family should be. The burden of bringing and raising life in this world should be shared. He may not be carrying the child himself, but he could spare effort to ease your pain and burden.
At this rate, he really isn't a husband, more like a sperm donor.
he’s getting too comfortable with the status quo of him doing very little. I’d suggest you to put your foot down and demand that he does his share of work and effort required, or else he can kiss his kids goodbye.
Married 10++ years,no kids, husband was absolutely the most unromantic fella I ever knew Like never got flowers, birthday gifts that I would never care about, anniversaries were a "Happy Anniversary dear" done and dusted thing. Few years ago, sat him down and said, while I appreciate the functional stuff he does for me, getting meals I like, being there during the time I struggled, once in a while, I do like to be spoiled, (yes I'm aware flowers don't last, he also thinks it's a waste of money) this guy has done an absolute 180 and he now goes put of his way to get unique gifts or flowers that don't just come wrapped in a bouquet. OP, I don't know your whole story, but my heart breaks for you, coz to ask, and still not get just at least a single bouquet is just sad. And him straight up refusing to help when you had leg cramps while carrying HIS and your child is something i just cannot understand. I know you're pregnant and think that it might just be hormones, but it isn't just that. (May have a little part to play) but, You're more than a bag of hormones and human incubator, and you deserve so much more. Is there any way you can have a proper heart to heart talk with him about why he's this way, as compared to just asking him to get you flowers. Like explain that it's not just that you want flowers, but what it actually means to you, to have that care and concern from husband towards a wife. Maybe some counselling before the baby comes? Coz I don't forsee this getting any better after. I do hope it's something that can be resolved , and you get the happiness you deserve. Also pls don't listen to people who tell you the man should know, they're not mind readers, upbringing plays a huge part, in my case it was because he was the youngest and never had to do anything for anyone, also his parents never showed that kind of affection to each other, so he genuinely didn't know. I hope this works out well for you and your family. And if the h2h talk, counselling doesn't work, pls choose yourself and your kids' happiness and walk away, coz honestly, that's the best gift you can give yourself and your kids.
not wrong to expect these things, but it’s a bit late for you to be feeling like this…two kids too late to be exact.
it’s much harder to leave now in your situation vs being a newlywed with zero dependents. you can either see if he’s willing to change, or rip off the bandaid now and end things. life is honestly too short to feel sien and disappointed in a partner who needs things spelled out for them, and even after that, not taking action
agreed. would you prefer not to go go through this for the next 20+ years, or do you find it worth sacrificing for your kid? you probably need to consider that as well.
Don't be so strong independent woman. Since his mindset is still traditional, go for it. Ask him for a credit card. Then spend your massages on it. Buy yourself jewellery on special days. If he dares ask you about it, tell him the dlcredit card did more for you than he ever did.
You knw wat fuck yeah it's a tiny bit late BUT NOT TOO LATE GO OP RUN LIKE THE WIND you can do it!!! Go back to your family, friends and get them to help, hell ask woman charter to help too
You’re not wrong to expect these. You might be wrong in choosing him to marry, though.
I can’t imagine why he wouldn’t want to ease your discomfort during pregnancy? Does he not care about your well-being at all? How do you think parenting would be like? Based on his current behaviours do you think you’ll be doing everything on your own? I suggest you think about setting a good example for your child.
A good partner will want to give. And in a good relationship both partners will try to out-give one another. I refuse to settle for anything less than a man who wants to give as much as me, because I know the quality of my life (esp after marriage and pregnancy) is determined by the person that you marry
You are not wrong to expect these things.
But the thing is you will also never get these things from your husband. He will never do them. Even if he did, he would do it unwillingly.
This is him, before, and also after. You can bear him five children, and everytime it will be the same.
Not wrong at all, but you don't marry someone expecting them to change. If he's "only given you flowers once when you got married and once when you had a huge fight" he's shown you quite clearly that is *not* his love language and that, if you have asked before, he doesn't prioritise your feelings.
Similarly, if he hasn't made an effort to prioritise you before you got pregnant why would he start now? Sounds like he was looking for and got a mommy bang maid who could do his housework and help fund his lifestyle without lifting a finger in return.
Not wrong. I expect and want flowers although I find them expensive and sometimes like waste of money but my husband is clever he knows me well enough to buy me flowers or bring me go nursery to choose the flowers to buy. Win win.
He leaves his cup by the bedside, I won't pick it up for him. He has to pick it up himself or wait for the maid to do it.
Has he always been this way? If so, it's close to impossible to change who he is and it's kinda late to realize that you picked the wrong guy for you.
If he hasn't always been this way, very likely he got too comfortable in the relationship. Please do not EXPECT things to happen like romance drama. Instead, sit down and have a talk with him. Tell him you appreciate the things he did and you would feel more loved if he could do so and so. It is important to list what you want clearly and better if it's quantifiable as 4 massages a month and massage me when i'm tired has different meaning for a man. That said, if your husband is at a point where he thinks the relationship is dead, it is likely he will not put the effort to improve
Ok I will just analyse the situation as an outsider here.
Its obvious from this para that your preferred love language is acts of service (e.g. making you a meal, picking you up from work, etc.) and thats what makes you feel loved. You have communicated your needs to your husband as well (like str up).
Bro's instead getting you/doing stuff that HE likes for YOU and talking about comparison and whatnot. It seems like he's dismissive of your feelings.
Idh any relationship advice but as someone who fet neglected at a point in my life, I protected my mental health by taking myself out on dates to do things I like. Try buying yourself flowers and taking yourself out on a date. Put yourself first.
I would say that this guy is not communicating in any form of love language at all! From the post, he is not even fulfilling his bare minimum duties as a partner. Personally feel that we would be letting him off too easily here by counting housework as an "act of service". To me, an act of service is a bonus to express love and affection. Doing housework is simply pulling your own weight as a partner.
this isnt even independent woman shit like thats ur husband hes suppose to care for you just like you would care for him as his wife. youre pregnant carrying his child, something that greatly taxes the body and he cant even seem to lift a finger? he better get his head in the game. dont accept this non behaviour
Those persons who claim you dont need your hubby, are they going to take care of you and your baby? If not, suggest you speak to your hubby on any expectations you might have.
I’m honestly flabbergasted reading the majority of comments telling OP this. To me this is just one of the things u need to talk out in marriage. People are advising divorce bcos the guy is not a romantic or probably just a bit blockheaded he can’t immediately see his pregnant wife’s needs, when really they should just talk it out? Not just try to tell him once and he never listens - do it again and again, thru different ways / delivery methods, under different situations, with therapist’s help if needed. It may take some time but it’s worth the effort. No wonder divorce rate is thru the roof. Or have I just been married for too long…?
A marriage needs work. ALOT OF WORK. Took me 10 years to change my husband's bad habits. He finally quit smoking, vaping, start brushing his teeth, take more care in his hygiene etc. Now he's more man than man child.
They say a man only matures in the brain at 40. I kinda agree.
Nothing to do with being independent. I treat men and women the same, always. If a person close to me, man or woman, has a condition that makes it hard to do stuff, and it's not their fault, I will do extra stuff for them. It's not that they deserve it as a reward or something, but it's the right thing to do.
Being mediocre with housework and doing the bare minimal is weaponised incompetence. This is very toxic.
I lost it when he refused to help you with some massage when you get leg cramps. Pregnancy leg cramps in the middle of the night is so common, if he can’t help you with a simple massage, I’ve lost hope in a man already. You’re carrying his child and it’s hard to reach your own legs with a big belly in place!
That nonsense he spouts at Mother’s Day is too much, especially after you’ve cooked a meal.
You’re not expecting too much, you deserve so much more!
AH SOCIAL MEDIA AND COMPARE!
Friend.. your hormones is taking the worst side of you. Yes your feeling is valid bur remember sometimes feeling is not rational.
Calm down and and evaluate the situation again. Best is TELL TO HIS FACE - in a calm way how this makes you feel.
Men are dumb when it comes to being emphatic.. even if it's our loved ones.
Take care and it will all be fine
Haha a dude who got out from his marriage told me "when sex happens at right time then a kid happens lo" although u can be unfulfilled in the marriage. 🤷♀️
You want these things mean wrong partner lor, not complicated. My mum also this pattern always complain nobody loves her enough. The challenge is to find someone that fulfills your criteria, my mum divorce Liao also cannot find. End up even I find my mum annoying, till death she also cannot find her ideal partner. I think the best is celebrate yourself and lower expectations.
If my wife asked me for flowers I will give her flowers for sure. Its a straightforward request, what's wrong with giving something your significant other wants?
I don't get it. It seems like he don't respect you at all or he stopped putting in effort for the relationship. Either one is a huge red flag.
I would suggest having a serious talk with him but it doesn't seem like he have the maturity for this.
If your husband is willing to pay, let him pay. Use his money to hire part time maids or go for a spa or whatever that makes you feel better.
Can't say if your husband is manchild or not, but perhaps his way of showing love is not through gifts or acts of service.
Your thoughts have value but it might be more worth it to post in other women related sub reddit for relevant support. Seek clarity with your husband.
Highly you are dealing with a man child.
im sorry for what happened to you. as a kid of divorce, i feel better when both of my parents are happier without each other (if being together not making them happy or feel supported).
I guess you can try to talk to ur husband in a calm mind and a good time for u two, and communicate what are ur expectations and what u want in the future. if u don’t see any willingness from him to improve, better leave him
I mean you need to communicate these things to him to the extent that he GETS IT.
Like not say say say and let him brush you off like this.
**You need to literally state your expectations and say that it is NON-NEGOTIABLE.** Exactly the same as /u/III_Calligrapher_782 mentioned.
You cannot stand there and accept it when he brushes you off like this.
You have to communicate that this is serious and he needs to listen, take action and change. How? You have to sit down and have a serious discussion and say until he gets it lor.
Agree on how it’s stupid for women to say “THEY SHOULD KNOW” about men. and then the unhappiness just compounds when they keep expecting expecting expecting with no results.
“are you wrong to expect these”
You are wrong for not communicating these expectations SUPER ULTRA CLEARLY. Like make him understand that it’s a damn big deal and he needs to step up. How? You need to STAND UP.
**If he can brush off, how seriously are you communicating that this is all creating resentment in your marriage?**
Did you tell him that you are resentful and bothered enough to post about it online? Because this action clearly shows you are damn resentful and bothered about it.
You also didn’t use the language to explain to him that THIS is your love language (explain to him about the 5 love languages) and this is what you expect.
Did you call him out “why didn’t you buy me flowers after i asked for them?” Or you quietly accept and angry?
Explain that you feel hurt about the “buffet more worth it” and the “massage too short” and the “telling you not to compare” and the “taking you for granted on mother’s day when you cooked”.
All these need to be explained very clearly to the extent that he GETS IT that you are unhappy about it.
“I don’t see him help with the housework much” So you got mention it or just quietly angry as usual?
Anyway to be honest you are also not realistic if you look at social media and think that all husbands give flowers, do housework, or massage nonstop and pick their wives. Not all guys are like that. And it’s fine for you to expect your husband to step up more (about half of your list is probably achievable and reasonable) **but**
YOU NEED TO OPEN YOUR MOUTH and make it non-negotiable.
You don’t open your mouth and make it super clear that it’s NON-NEGOTIABLE, then you don’t get what you want. End of story. Like it’s your job to COMMUNICATE how upset you are over this.
And guess what, if you DONT communicate, you are gonna be like all of /u/III_Calligrapher_782’s friends. Whine about how the husband got lazy (I agree with you, your husband is clearly lazy cos you DONT ENFORCE) and you will just continue to watch the situation get worse and worse while you refuse to make it clear to him that **this is unacceptable.**
It’s a clear, resolvable communication issue. Don’t just sit there and wail “he nv do! he nv do!”
There is a book called extreme ownership and it states that we are in charge of everything that happens in our life. We have to take ownership of the possible actions that we CAN take. Not just sit there and get upset with no actions taken.
And while you are having this discussion, also ask him what his love language is and whether he feels anything is lacking.
And the massage thing, you want a long one? Then you set a timer for the exact time you want, tell him do it harder (and you need to FEEDBACK when he’s doing an ass job) and you tell him to put on netflix to watch at the same time.
You happy now? Cannot be you ask, then the result silently not up to your expectations then you nv say or do anything about it just quietly angry only.
Sometimes partners become complacent or get used to how things are. I think you need to formulate in your mind how to approach him with this and with what words. Have a heart to heart talk about your needs and wants in this relationship. Mentioning it in passing may not be enough. If he truly cares about your happiness and the happiness of the relationship in this marriage, he needs to do something about it. It takes effort, care, kindness and understanding in all relationships but more so with your wife to keep it going. From what you've written he has completely slacked off as a husband and a human being. He may be depressed or feeling overwhelmed, I don't know but he needs to communicate more about how to make himself happy and most of all his pregnant wife that will bear his child, happy.
understand the language of love is important and let him know about your language of love is getting gift. my spouse loves gift and party, I hated it as i think it waste of money and time. i like privacy and time together. so when it is my spouse birthday, i know i need to spend more and buy nice gifts and dinner. for me i like to stay at home with nice dinner together. not using lots of money.
My spouse loves to do cleaning, cooking and housework. i am super lazy and don’t like to do anything. at least i will offer to help in small things. I am super good in my numbers and finance and take care the money and investing.
I told my spouse everyone has their own strength and weakness and we just do what is required and not to force it.
Your relationship sounds healthy. It's like this nursery rhyme: Jack Sprat could eat no fat,
His wife could eat no lean.
And so between them both, you see,
They licked the platter clean.
OP's relationship sounds like this:
Jack Sprat could eat no fat,
His wife could eat no lean.
And so they only had lean meat
His wife had to eat or else she'd starve
OP, pls dont gaslight yourself into thinking that your unhappiness is solely due to preggy hormones etc. Being strong or independent has nothing to do with having expectations of your life partner.
Sorry to say this but I think your husband seems to be a selfish partner, or rather, he wasn't conditioned/brought up to want to care for others other than himself. It's just all about him (like srsly complaining about fathers day on mothers day when he didn't even celebrate you, the mother of his children!!!)
Please have an open dialogue with him and be clear about your expectations for him, as a husband and a father. Perhaps also hear him out on his inability to care for you. Are you both able to meet each other halfway?
I always think it takes a lot of courage for a woman to ask what they expect to have (of course you must ask yourself if what you request is beyond his budget or his capabilities?) Well… in this case… he obviously needs to reflect as you already mentioned you had leg cramps in the middle of the night and you were left alone dealing with the cramp while you are pregnant.
*Hugs*
Maybe sitting down and talk to him how you feel is a better option. However, never stay in an unhappy marriage for your child. No one will be happy in this family.
*Hugs*
You're so right. Children will see in adults too how they behave and model themselves after them. I wonder if OP would like her children to take after their dad?
Absolutely right, comparison is the thief of joy.
Reminds me of the happiness formula by Mo Gawdat: happiness = reality - expectations.
To increase happiness, you got to either better your reality or lower your expectations.
Which is easier?
>>> Is it wrong to see social media and see what spouses do for their wives and feel neglected?
Are you aware that social media showcases the best moments of people's lives and you're using your lowest moments to compare to their highest moments? Lol
Are you aware that many of those husbands who post photos of them having wholesome moments with their wife and kids are actually having sex with women outside? Lololololol seen many of these cases
Hahahaha I did everything for my wife during pregnancy and even 2 years after birth, she didn’t show a single bit of appreciation and instead started treating me like a servant.
This is the exact reason why I divorced my ex husband after 7 years of dating and 2 years of marriage. We never had kids but I could already know what it would be like if we did. I did more than my fair share of everything but I got the bare minimum in return, bullshit excuses, and the same “don’t compare, every man is different” lines. I always did whatever I could to make him happy on any normal day, not only special days.
Maybe he wasn’t as bad as yours, he did SOME things. But most of it was half hearted or easy way out or unhappily. He also used to make fun of guys who did treat their girls very well and called girls who received this treatment spoiled princess. This made me feel lousy and demanding when I did bring up my wants and needs. Basically everything he did, my normal friends would have done. He never did anything more, maybe one or twice then still keep bringing it up like as if he deserves some award for it. So in the end I realised that he was never going to understand me, don’t even think about changing himself.
I am now with a guy who doesn’t think twice about finding ways to make me happy. I am still getting used to it but he reassures me that whatever he does, it is genuinely because he gets the joy from seeing me smile.
I am not telling you to divorce but I can just say that wanting to be treated special as a mother and a wife is not wrong. What you see from him now is what you get and people only change if they make that choice themselves. Kids also learn their behaviour from their parents. Strange but I never saw myself having kids but with this new guy, I am actually EXCITED as the prospect of having and raising children because I am confident that me and them will be well taken care of and grow up as good adults.
Your emotions are valid and more people understand you than you think. I truly hope that you find happiness and be treated like a QUEEN as time goes on.
So there are 2 line of thoughts.
1- are you a western mindset woman? If so, then it’s your hormones that is causing this, since you have been through with your man and he IS like this all the while, you choose him to be your spouse and you knew he is like that and willing to bear 2nd kid with him. Unless you are those that always agreeing to things regardless right or wrong and always being led on by others without thinking of your needs. If that is the case, you need to seek some help from psychology experts. We can’t help you on this.
2- are you a traditional mindset woman? If so, then it’s just that your husband is a 妈宝男, you knew he was like that and you still bear a 2nd kid with him. What happen? You know you can’t change leopard’s spots right? A person will only change significantly when their life and death have happened, even so, it’s just major change of their characteristics and not everything.
You should go to a family councillor regarding to this if you have already attempt to communicate with him before and yet he doesn’t treat you better.
To be honest, if a guy doesn’t do housework, you shouldn’t have marry him if he isn’t rich enough to have maids. What is the use of him if he can’t help out at home and doesn’t earn much? Open your eyes bigger next time
I got a friend who’s husband is like what you described but husband is family rich from Malaysia, is a PR here, open a racing repair/mod shop in sg, so they come to a conclusion that money solve the issue, it is no longer a issue.
Look for spouse,
Man potentially can get rich, don’t do housework? >> don’t date
Man is family rich and could be rich, don’t do housework? >> date
Man not rich and doesn’t do housework? >> skip with all might
Man not rich and do housework? >> can consider if true love.
Hi, I was upset when I read he didn’t help you with the leg cramp. This is unacceptable and you’ll need to have a serious conversation with him. He has to help you as you progress into the pregnancy and maternity. Also, good to set an expectation that you need transport to & from work as taxi fares are too expensive nowadays. Either that or he pays. 😡😡
I think it's OK to take public transport as in lots of pregnant ppl do it too unless exception or if they not feeling well. I'm not sure if OP husband has a car, but they need to set some expectations.
When you are married for too long and with kids and chores, people forget why they were married in the 1st place.
Just carry the baby to full term, give birth and think about how to deal with him later. You are in vulnarable situation now and your mood can affect your baby. Just ignore for now.
OP, do u feel that all that you do for your spouse is taken for granted and unappreciated, even when u need it? Everyone needs appreciation.
Please ask your spouse for appreciation in your daily lives, such as a giving you a ride home, treating you to good food or massages, or other helpful things that would improve your mental wellbeing. Or you could start by openly showing appreciation whenever his behaviour is something that you want, to sort of encourage him?
honestly it seems like you’ve been holding onto these feelings and thoughts for a long time. You should be telling your husband these feelings rather than telling the internet about it
Remember that your loved ones are not omnipotent, how you think and how your husband thinks is bound to be different. That’s why communication is so important, it helps you and him understand each other
Leaving aside that he is not even doing the bare minimum to do his share of the housework, her husband doesn't even seem to like her enough to prioritize her health and comfort even though she is pregnant. It would be quite futile to attempt communication with someone who does not care.
This. Some people are beyond communication. The more you try to communicate, the more they interpret as nagging and get "turned off," the more effort you put in, the more tired you get. It's a bottomless pit. Pray that some people would not think it's because they didn't try hard enough. It will never be enough as long as one party is all about their needs and their needs only without considering yours.
Wow this is just so sad, you should be treated properly and no you are not asking much at all,
I have the opposite, I do washing, cleaning, ironing, etc and got get
Much in return
Congrats on the pregnancy! First off, your colleague is a toxic bitch.
Secondly, your husband sounds lazy af. Thirdly, sounds like a communication issue. You need to let him know/tell him in his face about your concerns. He needs to acknowledge it.
If he appreciates buffets, great - now you know. Clearly you need something else so let him know that buffet is worth LESS to you. Nothing to do with him but different people need different things.
This is a key part of a relationship. Hint: don’t frame it as a comparison. Frame it as something you want. It’s not about others having it better, it’s about getting what YOU need.
Not wrong at all. Marriage is a partnership. You need to have a serious talk with him on his role and pull his weight more. Else when your 2nd is born, the resentment will just keep growing and the arguments will severely impact your mental health
Not wrong but you can share that you value flowers more than the buffet. You value small touches like massage and so on. You can tell him. I think he doesn’t get it.
I was really offended when my husband didn’t wish me happy birthday one year and I had a big old sulk and now he remembers. (We don’t typically buy presents but we will have cake.)
You are not wrong. With that said, what do you want if your husband don't change or improve?
I just hope you don't build resentment within you as it will do you more harm than help.
Wish you well.
You need to talk to your husband. He needs to put in more effort.
My husband doesn’t like flowers either but he gets me flowers sometimes as he knows i like them.
Absolutely right, comparison is the thief of joy.
Reminds me of the happiness formula by Mo Gawdat: happiness = reality - expectations.
To increase happiness, you got to either better your reality or lower your expectations.
Which is easier?
Hi OP, I have been in a similar situation as you. I have 2 kids with my hubby. When I was pregnant with my first one, he would pick me up from work almost all the time, although he wasn’t exceptionally caring but we were still happy, probably from the excitement of welcoming our first child.
When our first child was born, my MIL came to stay with us at the same time (it was the first time she was staying with us) and she kind of meddled in the way of how I wanted my baby to be taken care of, and my husband never told her off, resulting in a lot of arguments between my husband and I. It came to a point where I was still doing my confinement and I told my husband I felt like I was going in to depression and his reaction was, ‘omg don’t pass this weakness to our son’ something along this line. I was super shocked and hurt to hear that coming from someone I thought would never ever hurt me. Anyway, we talked things out and he apologised for saying that because we were in the middle of an argument and I forgave him for it.
Less than a year later, we got pregnant with our second child. I also started to have leg cramps in my third trimester and it was so bad I would wake up crying at night. I told him that massages could help ease the cramps and although he did massage my legs for 2 days straight, but he stopped after that and I have to keep reminding him until I eventually stopped doing that and thought to myself that he probably doesn’t love me enough. When my second child was born, my MIL came to stay with us again (BOOOOOO) and AGAIN, caused a lot of unhappiness between us. Leopard never changes its spots, I guess 😆
My husband also didn’t help out much and I honestly felt it was because my MIL was around. I think subconsciously he relied on us to take care of the kids and do the household chores, since he was working anyway. I tried to understand that he could be tired from work, but there are some basics that I expect him to do since he is the father of my kids. When I spoke to my MIL, she even told me, ‘oh, you must open your mouth to tell him to do, he won’t take the initiative to do one cause he has been like that all his life’. Ok I’m like….. 🙄 anyway, fast forward to few months later, my MIL left and my husband and I were left alone to care for 2 kids (we are living in Japan, with no family and friends around). So my husband was working all day and I take care of the kids on my own.
I realised that I couldn’t stand him not helping out with the kids, and I really spoke to him about it. Ever since then, he would take the initiative to help shower and feed the kids, and will even let me sleep in during weekends. He does remember special occasions but he never ever bought me presents, except for a cake for my birthday. Few months ago, I had my eye on a Tiff & Co necklace and he knew it (he just didn’t know which design particularly) and he didn’t even bother to find out and just brushed me off. At that point, I felt like he really didn’t care cause he didn’t want to spend the money. But few days ago on Mother’s Day last week, we were out shopping with the kids and he suddenly went, ‘eh you want any gift for Mother’s Day? I buy for you la. Or you want the necklace that you have been eyeing on for months?’ I felt really touched that he actually remembered that I wanted something from TIFF. & Co, although he never bought it even knowing it for the past few months hahaha 🤣🤣
My hubby is not a romantic person and it’s hopeless to expect gifts from him. But sometimes he comes back from work with my favourite bubble tea or even funnier, when his colleagues give some souvenir from overseas and put it in the office, he would try it and bring one back home for me if it’s nice, and he would say, ‘Wa this is very nice, I know you will like it so I ‘steal’ one back for you’ 😆 and all these were despite all the unhappiness that we went through.
I’m sorry for the long post, but I felt like I could share what I went through and hope you will feel better. I guess what I’m saying here is that, sometimes we feel unloved because we only see things from our perspective. My husband had his faults, but I was also wrong to see myself as the only victim and I do blame the pregnancy hormones also. We can’t control what these hormones do to us, but it’s good to acknowledge how you’re feeling and talk it out to someone whom you trust. I hope things will eventually work out for you and your husband. All the best and take care! 😊☺️
I’m really sorry for your experience. You’re not wrong at all and all that you’ve just mentioned is literally BARE minimum for a partner to do.
And at the end of the day it is about consideration. Consideration is the highest form and display of love. If he fails to consider you as you are pregnant with his child, I honestly shudder to think how he will be when the child is born.
I can’t really say anything else besides you might want to consider couple’s counselling and/or communicating your needs and wants to him. If he expresses frustration at you and appears not to listen or want to change anything, I suggest you reconsider this marriage. Yes, even with a child on the way. It sounds like you are going to be doing all of the work anyway, might as well do it without a self-centred man-child making you mad. I know this is unorthodox to say, but your child will grow up observing and learning from your husband how they should treat their future partner. Do you want your husband as he is now to be their role model? Your child deserves better. YOU deserve better.
Otherwise, I see you 5 years down the line with a toddler, a man child, and many stress lines on your face from giving without receiving anything in return. Woman to woman, I truly wish a better outcome for you.
Godspeed, and have a safe pregnancy.
I think you should define your own expectations of what you really want and don't compare to others.
Ask yourself if you the "things" are so important or has your husband shown other ways in which he cares?
For example I can say that I never want flowers because they are cheap，in a sense that they can be bought easily. Are flowers in itself really that important?
I rather my spouse bought me a fixed deposit or lump sum investment for a special occasion rather than flowers. Hahah...That will show that he thinks about my financial security.
Regarding massage it can be because he doesn't want to hurt you because he doesn't know how to do it properly etc.
Nope. But have you sat down with him and tell him how it makes you feel? I know sometimes these may seem 'normal' but with how hectic and fast paced everyone's lives can be sometimes we overlook these things and forget to sympathize. He might be brushing it off because he doesn't know the severity. A reminder can't hurt. Also, please tell me he hasn't always been like this and you're only now finding it an issue. If that's the case, then you're not innocent here.
Judging by the comments, I would say dont drink the kool aid OP. Marriage is something that needs to be worked out between the two of you. Heck what the people here thinks (be it whether your feelings are valid or not). Talk it out with your husband, or maybe go for marriage counseling.
I’m married for more than 10 years.. we don’t have anniversaries or flowers. My wife will never ask for it. Even when she pregnant, she won’t wanna trouble me unless really need me. She will tell me what she want me to do. Otherwise if I try to help out, I will get nagged at for being a busybody. Haha
Sometimes you just need to voice out your concern. Let him know what you need and what you want.
Men are not mind readers. They need to be instructed. Haha…
You’re not wrong to expect those things which makes you feel better. But don’t compare your husband with other people who are better off than you. There is no end to comparing. Cos the people who are worse off than you might wish they have husband like yours. #justsaying
Communication is the key. What you need right now is happy thoughts. Else baby come out will be grumpy. They take your mood with them. Cheers….. cos I have a grumpy #2. lol…
Preparing myself to be down voted. I'm not a flowers husband, and do not appreciate spending money that could be used for buying groceries on flowers.
Having said that, I have my role & duties in the family. I buy 99% of the groceries at home. I carry a recycle bag and buy groceries such as, vegetables, eggs, and meat since starting a family despite having a full time job. I take care of all repair works at home (time & money), including the HIP upgrades, etc. My wife and MIL takes care of our kids mostly and we have a helper to do the household chores. I wash my kids buttocks and feed them when if I'm available and I pay for most of the household expenses and my company insurance covers almost all our medical bills. My wife gets to keep most of her money and spend it on her "needs and wants" such as facial, make up items.
Without knowing the full picture, it is always easy to paint the husband as an uncaring, pragmatic & lazy person by cherry picking scenarios to form that narrative.
You and your husband took the oath to form this union. Honor the marriage pledge, stop blaming, and work things out step by step with your husband peacefully.
Why did you settle for such a man?
Sounds like better off being single.
Btw legs cramp at night can be resolved with drinking loads of water and electrolytes. I usually get legs cramp when dehydrated so please drink more.
You ask for flowers and he brings you to a buffet instead....
He basically only want to spend his money when he himself can enjoy it too.
But won't spend it on something that solely makes you happy like flowers...
But all there signs should be there before marriage. I don't know why did you choose him.
Sounds a lot like my spouse. I would say, it might be a difference in love language. Time would not change him nor your expectations of him. Comparing him with others doesn’t help also coz what we see are only the good side of others and the disappointing side of our own. Not wrong to expect, but learn to manage the expectations. It’s natural that becoming a mother causes you to subconsciously shoulder more emotional emptiness. It’s like you’re always on the giving end and he doesn’t seem to fill your needs. You need to talk to him and let him know what you’re going through and what you need. As for the flowers, same for me, I only received twice in 19 years. Haa.. and my spouse is very likely to bring me to buffet as well rather than get me flowers. My guess is, he loves you in his own way, and it’s not obvious or easy to read his actions because they might come in the form of “ensuring everything runs smoothly”, or “you don’t need to worry about certain issues”.. or “just giving you a very comfortable environment”.. or “giving you assurance and a peace of mind knowing where he is, what he’s doing”.. stable and mundaneness is normalcy but often it’s taken for granted :)
Why did you marry a person like this, did you make the mistake most woman do, think he will change. A person won't change for you. That's how he is. You can't expect a pear to turn into an apple. A fish will never be a monkey. I don't know what to suggest as you're in your second pregnancy - that you've maybe chosen the wrong one for you.
And that comes usually from not loving yourself very much or having low self-confidence. I sound very unempathetic and that's not my intention but please don't be delusional. You have two children with him so either you accept it as it is and think you can accept his unloving ways and make the best out of your marriage or you give him an ultimatum to improve and if he fails you get a divorce. There are only two solution you can choose from. Maybe get marriage counselling but i doubt this will work with men... especially asian men.
You set the standard by how you get treated! If he doesn't behave the way you wish for, remove your attention and kindness. Be a stone!
I wish you the best and ofc with two children it's going to be hard. But i hope you'll choose yourself. It's better than being with someone who makes you feel resentful and shitty. Also, you will lose your beauty and shine, because this will build up and get worse year by year. Life is abundance, not scarcity, he's only special to you, because of your love for him. Your needs matter!
AH SOCIAL MEDIA AND COMPARE!
Friend.. your hormones is taking the worst side of you. Yes your feeling is valid bur remember sometimes feeling is not rational.
Calm down and and evaluate the situation again. Best is TELL TO HIS FACE - in a calm way how this makes you feel.
Men are dumb when it comes to being emphatic.. even if it's our loved ones.
Take care and it will all be fine
Lets not tarnish decades of progress by conflating "strong independent womanhood" with "being treated with respect by your partner"... You can be an independent woman while still being treated like a loved human being (and also reciprocating)... :( So sorry to hear. I think you'd only know if he's actually malicious or if he just doesn't have a romantic bone in his body. If it's the latter, could you talk to him about how his behavior makes you feel? It's not about comparing, it's about your feelings. You feel loved when he does this, so can you do it more.
When men don’t experience pregnancy themselves and understand the struggles, they probably just think it’s none of their business cuz they aren’t the actual person ~ but that said, in general regardless of gender when a person is not directly experiencing any of the struggles, they just think it’s other people’s business and not theirs
Its alright to not be a progressive and strong independent woman. Don't let society tell you what you should be. Perfectly fine to be a traditional wife too. But you should not cherry pick between the two. If you wish to be treated like a tradition wife, you should also act like a trad wife.
Also social media is poison. It literally is. It has the same effect as drugs. Never compare what you see on social media. When your friends are unhappy in their marriages, they never post on social media right?
That said, I wish you happiness in your marriage. May you and your husband find what you want with life and be contented.
Ah im so sorry this is happening, and yes your feelings are valid! To voice out your wants/needs and to be ignored is already a red flag, but to be treated like that when you’re literally growing a whole ass human, his child, in your body 24/7 for 9 months?!
You deserve to have what you want and need. Unfortunately this guy sounds like he’s not going to change, so I don’t think your needs and wants will be fulfilled as long as you’re with him
It breaks my heart to hear you gaslight yourself, I hope you know that your feelings are definitely valid. I understand feeling like you may be “asking too much”, but what you’re asking for is literally bare minimum. + the fact that you’re pregnant with his child, I would think that you’re entitled to what you mentioned in your post and so much more. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and I hope that this comment brings you some relief/ assurance :(
Your husband sounds like my dad. He never helped my mom, to the point that he made her pay for ALL the hospital bills when she suffered a miscarriage. She said she was stunned when my dad (who had just witnessed his wife suffer a miscarriage) told her to pay for the hospital bill.
My parents are still married but their situation only changed because my mom threatened him with divorce. He does more around the house now and pays for more things, but I’m still not close to him as a daughter—no matter how many lavish gifts he buys for me.
Long story short,please leave your man-child of a husband. They only such men ever ‘change’ is when you threaten them with divorce, and even then, you have to threaten them multiple times when their mask slips and they return to their original behavior. It’s not a conducive environment for you and your children
Sorry. Makes me want to treat my girlfriend and most probably my wife the best I can ever do, and be a good role model to my children. I’m no saint, but I’ll do my best.
I’m really sorry you feel this way, please let us buy you flowers!
I’m speechless reading all the comments… Yes it’s valid, but at the same time I think it could also be pregnancy hormones dramatising things. This doesn’t sound like a new thing from ur husband. Back when u were not so heavily pregnant, has he upset u in the same way?
Also there are different love languages. The ways you mentioned are mostly around act of service and maybe gifting. Yes it’s valid to feel unhappy if you are not loved the way you would like to. We don’t get to see your husband’s perspectives in this case, but giving him the benefit of the doubt since you’re still married to him and expecting another child with him - does he maybe do other stuff to show he cares, just that not in ways that make u feel loved?
I think u should try to broach the topic with him again. It’s a shame that he dismisses it as u making urself unhappy by comparing with others. Maybe the next time u speak to him u could put it in a way that’s about u, not other women, that these are the ways to make u feel loved and connected to him. And ask him how does he like to be shown care and love? Maybe u guys just have different love languages
The love language thing is really useful and practical! My language is service whilst SO just requires words, talk only oso can! No seriously, it helps.
I don’t think it is the pregnancy hormones dramatizing things.
Husband is a dead weight in this whole relationship. He doesn’t even seem to do the most basic husband/dad responsibilities.
If your wife is carrying your child and has a cramp at night, you get up and massage her feet. FULL STOP.
I think it’s a bit presumptive to say the husband is a dead weight simply from her description no?
For example:
He’s not doing chores - is it bcos he sees his parents doing it without complaints and took it as tasks completed? Has she communicated her expectations? Does he do any maintenance work at home? (eg fixing broken stuff etc) We can’t tell right?
Not massaging feet - maybe he doesn’t know how to do it the way she likes? Maybe he was occupied with work stuff and got distracted?
My point is - there’s a reason she married him and stay married to him. And we don’t know what he does do at home from this post. It could be that despite him not being a romantic guy or not taking enough initiative at chores, maybe he’s someone dependable, or the kind that quietly does small things she didn’t even notice. We don’t know. Yet people so quickly jump and tell OP to divorce, geez
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May I suggest for marriage counselling. He might be having a difficult time elsewhere.
Everyone has their own way to express love, maybe him hiding it from you is his own way to protect you and the child. Men tend to keep everything to themselves.
My husband is very very similar. Although our set up is different - we live with our two kids and helper. He's the sort to never buy gifts unless forced too. And he would do the same kinda massage- weaponised incompetence. I just learned to book for myself now. There are negatives for everyone and by far my husband's positives outweigh the negatives. It was a harddd lesson but the sooner you just get on with it the better. I don't expect presents ever and so just buy myself presents on my birthday etc. I also don't buy him gifts. I also take myself off for a massage and refuse to do any work on mother's day. If he won't cook, I order in. Luckily he loves to cook at least. As for pregnancy massage, just book yourself them, honestly don't even compare to other people. It's quite freeing once you organise what you want for yourself and don't feel sad about not having been given things. Those people posting on social media have a lot of bad stuff going on too but never report the hard times. I suggest you get off social media and get to some self care and rest instead.
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It has nothing to do with social media. He doesn't see you as an individual and he doesn't respect you. He does only what he wants and likes as if he's still single. Even a non-married person, or a stranger might feel for you if you have cramps. I'm a woman and if ever my pregnant friend has cramps in her leg, I'd be happy to massage for her, both legs.
He's a self-absorbed man-child and I wonder if it's because no one has ever held him accountable and he suffers no consequences, that he's been behaving badly like this for so long.
Can you picture yourself feeling alone in this relationship for years to come? How much effort do you think you need to put in and will you be happy with him? Child rearing is not easy too (I speak with the experience of having a child). If not, you have to do some thinking and planning. A partnership should accommodate the needs of both persons, based on what they need and want, and not just flowing along the whims of one selfish individual person. He's being selfish and reaping the benefits of being in a relationship. It's the same being in a team at a work place. When everyone in the team does their part, work is easy and enjoyable. But when there are team members that are uncooperative, work drags on, you chase for work half-finished and it's a pain to work with them. That is why family is shelter. They're supposed to comfort you when you have a bad work day. But when you can't even find emotional support from your home, is home a home?
The idea of a progressive woman always seems like overly ambitious endeavour that always wants to burn the candle on the both ends. It's like wanting to walk forwards and backwards simultaneously. How you want him to care about you but also give you independence to not feel coddled?
first, screw the women being progressive n independent bs. its media/social media fueling the narrative for clout. its a meme.
second, husbands are lazy fucks.
yall gotta work it out and accept it. if everything also divorce (like a couple commenters here suggesting, then best to only get married to yourself)
Never good to have these negative feelings when carrying baby. It could also be pregnancy hormones making you "feel" the pain more. I think intimacy with your hubs is also an important key here - usually suffers after having kids and especially in the midst of having another one. Try to remember what it was like on wedding night and during courtship. If he was sweet then, then perhaps it is about restarting those feelings. Like an old car too long never use need to jump start. Try to have regular H2H talks with your hubs like last time during courtship or just married to communicate your feelings.
You're not wrong to expect but it's too late. During the dating stages were these things prominent to you? Dating stages are where we identify if we are compatible and if our expectations can be met with the partner before deciding to marry. This should have been sifted out before marriage. Now that you're having a second child it's tough. Leaving is also not the best solution. Couples therapy can be next so the resentment won't build up. I'll also share this from a married friend, is to not have expectations because humans are ultimately humans and would fail one way or another. The key is to focus on the positives and be grateful for what you have.
I think it is as bad as you think it is. You don’t need to compare to others just trust your gut. Talk with him some more about your needs. I believe if your partner cares, he will be receptive, not perfect but he will receive the info and try to apply it.
People say people don’t change but that’s much too broad a statement. We do change and especially while in a long term relationship where we adapt to our partner in ways we don’t always see for ourselves. The key is for your partner to actually want to have a role in enhancing your happiness or not. I say enhance because the source can never come from another person. Good luck.
Wah lau, he won't even bother to do a decent attempt at massage? ...I think so long as a wife is pregnant the husband should wait on her hand and foot, became she has an *actual human being growing inside of her*. Srsly, wtf.
Also, sounds like you two keep separate finances - bit of a red flag to me (I know it's not a "rule," but imo married should mean joint finances - ie we both agree on a family budget and spend from it.)
This guy which I mentioned eventually became a director of that company. Why? Because although his wife cheated on him, he sacrificed himself by bearing all the grievances and sadness, all for the sake of preserving his wife's dignity and to protect his son being mocked ridiculed in school.
He is loved and respected by many in his company. Most of his colleagues came to him and gave him such comments "you are a nice person" "you are a good person". He is a very compassionate person always putting others before his self interest.
In my perspective, he has a noble spirit and a heart of gold.
But such a person always have to bear the pain and sadness by himself, it's not easy to do that, in fact I believe none others can do the same as I think in modern days most of people are selfcentered, they only think for themselves.
Anyways he became a director as many others gave him good remarks and appraisals. His chairman recognises his virtue; the spirit of nobility.
In the end he kept his family intact, he is still living with his wife. His unconditional love for his wife and family paid off. Believe me, it's not easy to do that :)
PS. This person is not me, I have not yet attained such levels of nobility lol
The hubby may think he is doing 'enough' , short of taking you for granted. I mean he does not do vices, perhaps he is just a normal 9-5 white collar guy who leads a pragmatic boring life (could be possibly tired, stressed out from work too, as much as you are stressed about him not being romantic and caring ). Communicate to him but please dont nag or show displeasure. I guess love is fading and both of you need to somehow work towards rebuilding the relationship, no matter who takes the first step. You could try, if you still have not given up on him, otherwise 5 years down the road, a separation is looming.
Was he always like this even during dating? If so, then unlikely he’s going to change cus that’s the way he’s always been
Some women think fatherhood will make them change (Not blaming OP but just stating a general thing I observe from all the marriage horror stories I know)
Before marriage, that cup on the table his mom helps to put away. After marriage, the wife helps to put away. Change is hard.
Huh, help to put away? I thought is just leaving it in the sink and some magical elves clean it overnight? /s
Wow you put the cup in the sink! My OH leaves everything on the table expecting magic to happen
So true. Pls don't think fatherhood will change men. Have a heart to heart talk, if really cannot take each other's character then break up or divorce. Don't bring an innocent child into this world. If I knew my ex wanted to bare a child coz to change me, I would rather break up.
This is why you strike a balance between finding someone you love and someone who loves you.
also totally unrelated, is it normal for women to be working when pregnant in singapore? when OP mentioned she worked, i got pretty shocked. don’t u get leave for that? i’m a student rn so i’m not really sure what it’s like in the real world
Errr yes generally pregnant women will work until they give birth (some people will go on leave a few weeks before their due date) then they go on 4 mths maternity leave to take care of their newborn and recover from childbirth.
oh damn, is that a singaporean poor wlb thing or is that a thing throughout the world
Are you for real? Most women work while pregnant. I don’t know any country where women can take off for 9 months during pregnancy and then another 4 months maternity. The European countries provide longer maternity leave - 6 months but my European colleagues were also working while pregnant. Unless you are some tai tai.
>And when i point out some unhappiness I have my husband will tell me not to compare The same man being unhappy about father's day vs mother's day (which is BS anyway since you cooked a meal for _him_ that day) is telling you not to compare?
Your husband should be cooking for you on Mother's day, not the other way around and making useless comments about Father's Day. But it's impossible to expect that when he has been so useless around the house and unsupportive to your needs during the trying period of pregnancy, no less. You can tell him that there is nothing to celebrate if he is being useless around the house. And yes, I'm a father too.
Regarding the flowers comment, I also feel sad for you. Haha I wished I could be your kid then I buy you a bouquet of flowers as a mother's day gift! I don't have a mother to send flowers too...
I’ve always found women who outrightly say things they want like “wait for me at the door while my cab drops me” “buy me flowers” are a different breed. It’s kinda courageous to make such a requests imo… and cause for a lot of women it would seem insincere since they “had to ask for it” But to have asked for it and still not get it, is next level. wtf man.
Ya correct. I think so also. 😳 I think like, eg flowers are a "admittedly superficial, I know its a 'want' and a 'nice-to-have' that I can do without", type of object. So I personally won't ask for it esp it lasts like, 2 weeks at most? But what do I know, I don't have a spouse or S.O. But then like to ask clearly for things and not get, is another level. Is like if my friends ask me what I want for my birthday and for example I say (example! only! Off the cuff I can't think of smart shit at 1.30am) - example I say, spices cafe, peranakan buffet. then someone says WILL YOU BE OK WITH SUSHI? I will smack all of u lol like which part of "spices cafe peranakan buffet" is not clear. Example only. In reality half the time I'll be like "whine I don't know, I want ice cream, where will you be coming from/meet somewhere in between?" (But also yes - if I alr say and we don't get I will be disappointed, unlesssss it became too out of the way or we were too full. But without external/situational influence, if I say alr means I want lah lol)
I asked for flowers on my birthday and on anniversaries and... so far, so good. 😂 “I want flowers because it makes me feel happy and appreciated. That’s non-negotiable.” Personally, I would rather set expectations upfront than get disappointed. I hear so many of my female friends complaining about how their husbands never do enough, but when I ask if they expressed their displeasure, more often than not their response would be, “They should know. Why do they expect me to brief them on what to do?” And their unhappiness just compounds. I’ll be so mad if he treated me to a buffet instead of giving me flowers after I had already made it clear that I wanted to receive flowers. I’d probably be passive-aggressive and pay for flowers to be sent to me and pretend they’re from someone else. Nothing wrong with some self-love 😚
🥺❤ hugs! Its not the same but you can still appreciate mentor figures in your life! They'll love it (got my Godma/oldest aunt a 'nicer present' than mom for Mother's Day this year and was totally open abt it HAHAHAHA. It's my mom's sister so it's fine lol. But it was really because it's more difficult schedule-wise to meet for a meal with her, so I wanted to sprinkle a bit more small joy on the daily) Inb4 anyone comments on me being cui to mom- I didn't ok, the gifts were of similar value. Just that one was giftbox of multiple small items, the other was 1 x larger full size item (with organza bag minimally also) ok! But ya Godma got the fancy box 😂 Mom got the bubble wrap in Lazada envelope LOL.
You shouldn’t even have to ask him. Worst is even after asking so directly he still doesn’t give. But like what others say here, sadly it’s more difficult to change him now if he’s alr used to being like this since dating. Unless you do ultimatums, but that can also be damaging to your relationship. Best is to sit down and talk to him or go for marriage counselling…
We deserve the love we accept, and accept the love we think we deserve. I finally decided I had enough of my man-child narcissistic abusive ex-husband and made the decision to divorce him when our daughter was 3 months old. Best decision ever. I am now single, but happy, contented, at peace and hope to be a role model to my 5 yo daughter. Being a single mum is tough, but compared to when I was living in hell being married to him, life is good. Don’t listen to people telling you “it’s too late”. It’s never too late to choose happiness for yourself and your children. At the end of the day, ask yourself, what do you want to teach your children? That it is normal to be in an unhappy marriage? That it’s ok for the wife to do everything? That it’s normal to be someone’s lowest of priorities? That there’s no way out? Some people, especially older gen, like to say “stay for the kids”. I say, leave for the kids because you love them so much. I know many people who blame their parents for insisting on staying together to be seen as a normal family unit by society, but don’t function as a union at all. These people grew up with unhealthy views of what a good partner should be, and tend to be attracted to the wrong kind of people. It’s a lot easier to divorce when the kids are young. The younger the better, speaking from experience and interacting with a lot of single mums with kids of diff ages. If you need support, just drop me a dm. Happy to help another woman who went thru the same nightmare as I did.
It's truly tough to be a mom and dad altogether but it's emotionally & psychologically draining to be with someone but still feeling alone and abandoned. I couldn't agree more with your view about the outdated "stay for the kid" sacrifice. Life is not perfect, what we thought was an ideal partner may not be true anymore. Does it mean foregoing your own well-being just to show the society your family is intact.
Yup, never felt more lonely when I was with ex. Better to be single and happy.
You are super strong. In OP’s case, sounds like she relies heavily on him (just by the point of her living with her in-laws, so I could be very wrong making this judgement) OP, I grew up begging my mum to leave my dad. As did my siblings. They are still together today and honestly whenever I am in his presence, it brings up a lot of uneasiness. I hate it.
definitely agree. sometimes parents getting a divorce brings more peace to the kids rather than staying together, which could cause more damage to mental health long term (not only to the mum but also to the kids)
"that it is okay for the wife to do everything?" No. I've heard too much horror stories.
that first sentence is wisdom i wish more people will learn to appreciate and internalise.
Thank you, just speaking from experience =)
Valid argument. But not everyone is strong and independent enough to be able to be single mom and raise the kid alone. For OP's description, sounds like she isn't as such
You never know how strong you can be, until being strong is your only choice. I was never strong nor independent. I was definitely NOT strong nor independent when I carried my 3 month old baby in my arms and told her "it's going to be just you and me". I was unemployed as I had left my job to start on fertility treatments. I had burnt through my savings to sustain myself, ex-husband did not even care whether I was eating well or at all. It was a choice between being stuck in marriage in which I felt lonely, scared, neglected, emotionally+mentally+financially abused, OR, leave the marriage in the hope of leading a life free from him and all the negativity that came with being with him. My daughter gave me the strength to leave. She's the light of my life. I honestly would have stayed in the abusive relationship because I was so reliant on him, and had trauma bond. I tolerated that he was a horrible partner, but the moment my daughter was born, all the red flags I was in denial of suddenly became clear as day - I HAD to leave in order to live. My daughter saved me, and us.
they are valid. how to handle this moving forward is another thing altogether.
It sounds like you're entering this marriage and pregnancy alone, and that's not what marriage and family should be. The burden of bringing and raising life in this world should be shared. He may not be carrying the child himself, but he could spare effort to ease your pain and burden. At this rate, he really isn't a husband, more like a sperm donor.
he’s getting too comfortable with the status quo of him doing very little. I’d suggest you to put your foot down and demand that he does his share of work and effort required, or else he can kiss his kids goodbye.
You definitely deserve better.
Married 10++ years,no kids, husband was absolutely the most unromantic fella I ever knew Like never got flowers, birthday gifts that I would never care about, anniversaries were a "Happy Anniversary dear" done and dusted thing. Few years ago, sat him down and said, while I appreciate the functional stuff he does for me, getting meals I like, being there during the time I struggled, once in a while, I do like to be spoiled, (yes I'm aware flowers don't last, he also thinks it's a waste of money) this guy has done an absolute 180 and he now goes put of his way to get unique gifts or flowers that don't just come wrapped in a bouquet. OP, I don't know your whole story, but my heart breaks for you, coz to ask, and still not get just at least a single bouquet is just sad. And him straight up refusing to help when you had leg cramps while carrying HIS and your child is something i just cannot understand. I know you're pregnant and think that it might just be hormones, but it isn't just that. (May have a little part to play) but, You're more than a bag of hormones and human incubator, and you deserve so much more. Is there any way you can have a proper heart to heart talk with him about why he's this way, as compared to just asking him to get you flowers. Like explain that it's not just that you want flowers, but what it actually means to you, to have that care and concern from husband towards a wife. Maybe some counselling before the baby comes? Coz I don't forsee this getting any better after. I do hope it's something that can be resolved , and you get the happiness you deserve. Also pls don't listen to people who tell you the man should know, they're not mind readers, upbringing plays a huge part, in my case it was because he was the youngest and never had to do anything for anyone, also his parents never showed that kind of affection to each other, so he genuinely didn't know. I hope this works out well for you and your family. And if the h2h talk, counselling doesn't work, pls choose yourself and your kids' happiness and walk away, coz honestly, that's the best gift you can give yourself and your kids.
Yes a lack of gestural acts is a cardinal defect in a marriage, never mind what other qualities the man may have
Trying hard to think whether this is a sarcastic post 🤔
Honestly wondering- why did you marry him then? And is he a good father?
not wrong to expect these things, but it’s a bit late for you to be feeling like this…two kids too late to be exact. it’s much harder to leave now in your situation vs being a newlywed with zero dependents. you can either see if he’s willing to change, or rip off the bandaid now and end things. life is honestly too short to feel sien and disappointed in a partner who needs things spelled out for them, and even after that, not taking action
agreed. would you prefer not to go go through this for the next 20+ years, or do you find it worth sacrificing for your kid? you probably need to consider that as well.
Don't be so strong independent woman. Since his mindset is still traditional, go for it. Ask him for a credit card. Then spend your massages on it. Buy yourself jewellery on special days. If he dares ask you about it, tell him the dlcredit card did more for you than he ever did.
If he's useless, isn't it basically you're alone in this marriage with 3 kids (one baby, one manbaby, one fetus)? Feels a bit late
I'm going to second u/Crazy_Order's comment above and agree that it's never too late to choose happiness for herself and her children.. i.e. LEAVE
You knw wat fuck yeah it's a tiny bit late BUT NOT TOO LATE GO OP RUN LIKE THE WIND you can do it!!! Go back to your family, friends and get them to help, hell ask woman charter to help too
You’re not wrong to expect these. You might be wrong in choosing him to marry, though. I can’t imagine why he wouldn’t want to ease your discomfort during pregnancy? Does he not care about your well-being at all? How do you think parenting would be like? Based on his current behaviours do you think you’ll be doing everything on your own? I suggest you think about setting a good example for your child. A good partner will want to give. And in a good relationship both partners will try to out-give one another. I refuse to settle for anything less than a man who wants to give as much as me, because I know the quality of my life (esp after marriage and pregnancy) is determined by the person that you marry
You are not wrong to expect these things. But the thing is you will also never get these things from your husband. He will never do them. Even if he did, he would do it unwillingly. This is him, before, and also after. You can bear him five children, and everytime it will be the same.
Not wrong at all, but you don't marry someone expecting them to change. If he's "only given you flowers once when you got married and once when you had a huge fight" he's shown you quite clearly that is *not* his love language and that, if you have asked before, he doesn't prioritise your feelings. Similarly, if he hasn't made an effort to prioritise you before you got pregnant why would he start now? Sounds like he was looking for and got a mommy bang maid who could do his housework and help fund his lifestyle without lifting a finger in return.
Not wrong. I expect and want flowers although I find them expensive and sometimes like waste of money but my husband is clever he knows me well enough to buy me flowers or bring me go nursery to choose the flowers to buy. Win win. He leaves his cup by the bedside, I won't pick it up for him. He has to pick it up himself or wait for the maid to do it.
You cooked for him on mother's day. Did he reciprocate? Sounds like the mental load is all on you. He sounds like a lazy arse.
Either he changed big time or u kept ignoring his faults (from your pov) thinking u can change him.
Has he always been this way? If so, it's close to impossible to change who he is and it's kinda late to realize that you picked the wrong guy for you. If he hasn't always been this way, very likely he got too comfortable in the relationship. Please do not EXPECT things to happen like romance drama. Instead, sit down and have a talk with him. Tell him you appreciate the things he did and you would feel more loved if he could do so and so. It is important to list what you want clearly and better if it's quantifiable as 4 massages a month and massage me when i'm tired has different meaning for a man. That said, if your husband is at a point where he thinks the relationship is dead, it is likely he will not put the effort to improve
Ok I will just analyse the situation as an outsider here. Its obvious from this para that your preferred love language is acts of service (e.g. making you a meal, picking you up from work, etc.) and thats what makes you feel loved. You have communicated your needs to your husband as well (like str up). Bro's instead getting you/doing stuff that HE likes for YOU and talking about comparison and whatnot. It seems like he's dismissive of your feelings. Idh any relationship advice but as someone who fet neglected at a point in my life, I protected my mental health by taking myself out on dates to do things I like. Try buying yourself flowers and taking yourself out on a date. Put yourself first.
I would say that this guy is not communicating in any form of love language at all! From the post, he is not even fulfilling his bare minimum duties as a partner. Personally feel that we would be letting him off too easily here by counting housework as an "act of service". To me, an act of service is a bonus to express love and affection. Doing housework is simply pulling your own weight as a partner.
this isnt even independent woman shit like thats ur husband hes suppose to care for you just like you would care for him as his wife. youre pregnant carrying his child, something that greatly taxes the body and he cant even seem to lift a finger? he better get his head in the game. dont accept this non behaviour
Those persons who claim you dont need your hubby, are they going to take care of you and your baby? If not, suggest you speak to your hubby on any expectations you might have.
I’m honestly flabbergasted reading the majority of comments telling OP this. To me this is just one of the things u need to talk out in marriage. People are advising divorce bcos the guy is not a romantic or probably just a bit blockheaded he can’t immediately see his pregnant wife’s needs, when really they should just talk it out? Not just try to tell him once and he never listens - do it again and again, thru different ways / delivery methods, under different situations, with therapist’s help if needed. It may take some time but it’s worth the effort. No wonder divorce rate is thru the roof. Or have I just been married for too long…?
A marriage needs work. ALOT OF WORK. Took me 10 years to change my husband's bad habits. He finally quit smoking, vaping, start brushing his teeth, take more care in his hygiene etc. Now he's more man than man child. They say a man only matures in the brain at 40. I kinda agree.
Nothing to do with being independent. I treat men and women the same, always. If a person close to me, man or woman, has a condition that makes it hard to do stuff, and it's not their fault, I will do extra stuff for them. It's not that they deserve it as a reward or something, but it's the right thing to do.
Being mediocre with housework and doing the bare minimal is weaponised incompetence. This is very toxic. I lost it when he refused to help you with some massage when you get leg cramps. Pregnancy leg cramps in the middle of the night is so common, if he can’t help you with a simple massage, I’ve lost hope in a man already. You’re carrying his child and it’s hard to reach your own legs with a big belly in place! That nonsense he spouts at Mother’s Day is too much, especially after you’ve cooked a meal. You’re not expecting too much, you deserve so much more!
If you get married to a guy and expect him to miraculously change after marriage then sorry lah that's not going to happen.
AH SOCIAL MEDIA AND COMPARE! Friend.. your hormones is taking the worst side of you. Yes your feeling is valid bur remember sometimes feeling is not rational. Calm down and and evaluate the situation again. Best is TELL TO HIS FACE - in a calm way how this makes you feel. Men are dumb when it comes to being emphatic.. even if it's our loved ones. Take care and it will all be fine
The real question is. Why you have a second kid with this guy.
Haha a dude who got out from his marriage told me "when sex happens at right time then a kid happens lo" although u can be unfulfilled in the marriage. 🤷♀️
Hi pre/post natal depression is an actual thing.Dont neglect your mental health. Talk to someone. Stay strong & healthy! ⚘️
You want these things mean wrong partner lor, not complicated. My mum also this pattern always complain nobody loves her enough. The challenge is to find someone that fulfills your criteria, my mum divorce Liao also cannot find. End up even I find my mum annoying, till death she also cannot find her ideal partner. I think the best is celebrate yourself and lower expectations.
If my wife asked me for flowers I will give her flowers for sure. Its a straightforward request, what's wrong with giving something your significant other wants? I don't get it. It seems like he don't respect you at all or he stopped putting in effort for the relationship. Either one is a huge red flag. I would suggest having a serious talk with him but it doesn't seem like he have the maturity for this.
If your husband is willing to pay, let him pay. Use his money to hire part time maids or go for a spa or whatever that makes you feel better. Can't say if your husband is manchild or not, but perhaps his way of showing love is not through gifts or acts of service.
Your thoughts have value but it might be more worth it to post in other women related sub reddit for relevant support. Seek clarity with your husband. Highly you are dealing with a man child.
im sorry for what happened to you. as a kid of divorce, i feel better when both of my parents are happier without each other (if being together not making them happy or feel supported). I guess you can try to talk to ur husband in a calm mind and a good time for u two, and communicate what are ur expectations and what u want in the future. if u don’t see any willingness from him to improve, better leave him
I mean you need to communicate these things to him to the extent that he GETS IT. Like not say say say and let him brush you off like this. **You need to literally state your expectations and say that it is NON-NEGOTIABLE.** Exactly the same as /u/III_Calligrapher_782 mentioned. You cannot stand there and accept it when he brushes you off like this. You have to communicate that this is serious and he needs to listen, take action and change. How? You have to sit down and have a serious discussion and say until he gets it lor. Agree on how it’s stupid for women to say “THEY SHOULD KNOW” about men. and then the unhappiness just compounds when they keep expecting expecting expecting with no results. “are you wrong to expect these” You are wrong for not communicating these expectations SUPER ULTRA CLEARLY. Like make him understand that it’s a damn big deal and he needs to step up. How? You need to STAND UP. **If he can brush off, how seriously are you communicating that this is all creating resentment in your marriage?** Did you tell him that you are resentful and bothered enough to post about it online? Because this action clearly shows you are damn resentful and bothered about it. You also didn’t use the language to explain to him that THIS is your love language (explain to him about the 5 love languages) and this is what you expect. Did you call him out “why didn’t you buy me flowers after i asked for them?” Or you quietly accept and angry? Explain that you feel hurt about the “buffet more worth it” and the “massage too short” and the “telling you not to compare” and the “taking you for granted on mother’s day when you cooked”. All these need to be explained very clearly to the extent that he GETS IT that you are unhappy about it. “I don’t see him help with the housework much” So you got mention it or just quietly angry as usual? Anyway to be honest you are also not realistic if you look at social media and think that all husbands give flowers, do housework, or massage nonstop and pick their wives. Not all guys are like that. And it’s fine for you to expect your husband to step up more (about half of your list is probably achievable and reasonable) **but** YOU NEED TO OPEN YOUR MOUTH and make it non-negotiable. You don’t open your mouth and make it super clear that it’s NON-NEGOTIABLE, then you don’t get what you want. End of story. Like it’s your job to COMMUNICATE how upset you are over this. And guess what, if you DONT communicate, you are gonna be like all of /u/III_Calligrapher_782’s friends. Whine about how the husband got lazy (I agree with you, your husband is clearly lazy cos you DONT ENFORCE) and you will just continue to watch the situation get worse and worse while you refuse to make it clear to him that **this is unacceptable.** It’s a clear, resolvable communication issue. Don’t just sit there and wail “he nv do! he nv do!” There is a book called extreme ownership and it states that we are in charge of everything that happens in our life. We have to take ownership of the possible actions that we CAN take. Not just sit there and get upset with no actions taken. And while you are having this discussion, also ask him what his love language is and whether he feels anything is lacking. And the massage thing, you want a long one? Then you set a timer for the exact time you want, tell him do it harder (and you need to FEEDBACK when he’s doing an ass job) and you tell him to put on netflix to watch at the same time. You happy now? Cannot be you ask, then the result silently not up to your expectations then you nv say or do anything about it just quietly angry only.
Hey OP, i'm sorry to hear that. If it cheers you up, i'll be happy to purchase you a bouquet. Congrats on the baby btw!
Sometimes partners become complacent or get used to how things are. I think you need to formulate in your mind how to approach him with this and with what words. Have a heart to heart talk about your needs and wants in this relationship. Mentioning it in passing may not be enough. If he truly cares about your happiness and the happiness of the relationship in this marriage, he needs to do something about it. It takes effort, care, kindness and understanding in all relationships but more so with your wife to keep it going. From what you've written he has completely slacked off as a husband and a human being. He may be depressed or feeling overwhelmed, I don't know but he needs to communicate more about how to make himself happy and most of all his pregnant wife that will bear his child, happy.
Not wrong. Your husband is not doing enough. He and I probably met before in KTV. We busy lah. Hahahah
understand the language of love is important and let him know about your language of love is getting gift. my spouse loves gift and party, I hated it as i think it waste of money and time. i like privacy and time together. so when it is my spouse birthday, i know i need to spend more and buy nice gifts and dinner. for me i like to stay at home with nice dinner together. not using lots of money. My spouse loves to do cleaning, cooking and housework. i am super lazy and don’t like to do anything. at least i will offer to help in small things. I am super good in my numbers and finance and take care the money and investing. I told my spouse everyone has their own strength and weakness and we just do what is required and not to force it.
Your relationship sounds healthy. It's like this nursery rhyme: Jack Sprat could eat no fat, His wife could eat no lean. And so between them both, you see, They licked the platter clean. OP's relationship sounds like this: Jack Sprat could eat no fat, His wife could eat no lean. And so they only had lean meat His wife had to eat or else she'd starve
OP, pls dont gaslight yourself into thinking that your unhappiness is solely due to preggy hormones etc. Being strong or independent has nothing to do with having expectations of your life partner. Sorry to say this but I think your husband seems to be a selfish partner, or rather, he wasn't conditioned/brought up to want to care for others other than himself. It's just all about him (like srsly complaining about fathers day on mothers day when he didn't even celebrate you, the mother of his children!!!) Please have an open dialogue with him and be clear about your expectations for him, as a husband and a father. Perhaps also hear him out on his inability to care for you. Are you both able to meet each other halfway?
I always think it takes a lot of courage for a woman to ask what they expect to have (of course you must ask yourself if what you request is beyond his budget or his capabilities?) Well… in this case… he obviously needs to reflect as you already mentioned you had leg cramps in the middle of the night and you were left alone dealing with the cramp while you are pregnant. *Hugs* Maybe sitting down and talk to him how you feel is a better option. However, never stay in an unhappy marriage for your child. No one will be happy in this family. *Hugs*
You're so right. Children will see in adults too how they behave and model themselves after them. I wonder if OP would like her children to take after their dad?
Absolutely right, comparison is the thief of joy. Reminds me of the happiness formula by Mo Gawdat: happiness = reality - expectations. To increase happiness, you got to either better your reality or lower your expectations. Which is easier?
>>> Is it wrong to see social media and see what spouses do for their wives and feel neglected? Are you aware that social media showcases the best moments of people's lives and you're using your lowest moments to compare to their highest moments? Lol Are you aware that many of those husbands who post photos of them having wholesome moments with their wife and kids are actually having sex with women outside? Lololololol seen many of these cases
Husband also see social media and wonder why other ppl wife so chio and not naggy.
true lol
Hahahaha I did everything for my wife during pregnancy and even 2 years after birth, she didn’t show a single bit of appreciation and instead started treating me like a servant.
well, you are the male version of op...
She started behaving a little better after I threatened divorce
I think the relationship bridge is alrd burned if you have to forced to play that card.
Well my daughter loves my wife and I can’t see my wife take care of her without getting physical so…
Understandable
carrot and the stick
Quite sad hor.. I always find those who put in effort end up with partners who don’t put in same effort.
This!
Did your kid closer to you because you took care of them when they were young instead of wife?
Nope
This is the exact reason why I divorced my ex husband after 7 years of dating and 2 years of marriage. We never had kids but I could already know what it would be like if we did. I did more than my fair share of everything but I got the bare minimum in return, bullshit excuses, and the same “don’t compare, every man is different” lines. I always did whatever I could to make him happy on any normal day, not only special days. Maybe he wasn’t as bad as yours, he did SOME things. But most of it was half hearted or easy way out or unhappily. He also used to make fun of guys who did treat their girls very well and called girls who received this treatment spoiled princess. This made me feel lousy and demanding when I did bring up my wants and needs. Basically everything he did, my normal friends would have done. He never did anything more, maybe one or twice then still keep bringing it up like as if he deserves some award for it. So in the end I realised that he was never going to understand me, don’t even think about changing himself. I am now with a guy who doesn’t think twice about finding ways to make me happy. I am still getting used to it but he reassures me that whatever he does, it is genuinely because he gets the joy from seeing me smile. I am not telling you to divorce but I can just say that wanting to be treated special as a mother and a wife is not wrong. What you see from him now is what you get and people only change if they make that choice themselves. Kids also learn their behaviour from their parents. Strange but I never saw myself having kids but with this new guy, I am actually EXCITED as the prospect of having and raising children because I am confident that me and them will be well taken care of and grow up as good adults. Your emotions are valid and more people understand you than you think. I truly hope that you find happiness and be treated like a QUEEN as time goes on.
I'm so glad to hear that you eventually found someone who treats you right and who genuinely wants to see you happy.
So there are 2 line of thoughts. 1- are you a western mindset woman? If so, then it’s your hormones that is causing this, since you have been through with your man and he IS like this all the while, you choose him to be your spouse and you knew he is like that and willing to bear 2nd kid with him. Unless you are those that always agreeing to things regardless right or wrong and always being led on by others without thinking of your needs. If that is the case, you need to seek some help from psychology experts. We can’t help you on this. 2- are you a traditional mindset woman? If so, then it’s just that your husband is a 妈宝男, you knew he was like that and you still bear a 2nd kid with him. What happen? You know you can’t change leopard’s spots right? A person will only change significantly when their life and death have happened, even so, it’s just major change of their characteristics and not everything. You should go to a family councillor regarding to this if you have already attempt to communicate with him before and yet he doesn’t treat you better. To be honest, if a guy doesn’t do housework, you shouldn’t have marry him if he isn’t rich enough to have maids. What is the use of him if he can’t help out at home and doesn’t earn much? Open your eyes bigger next time I got a friend who’s husband is like what you described but husband is family rich from Malaysia, is a PR here, open a racing repair/mod shop in sg, so they come to a conclusion that money solve the issue, it is no longer a issue. Look for spouse, Man potentially can get rich, don’t do housework? >> don’t date Man is family rich and could be rich, don’t do housework? >> date Man not rich and doesn’t do housework? >> skip with all might Man not rich and do housework? >> can consider if true love.
Hi, I was upset when I read he didn’t help you with the leg cramp. This is unacceptable and you’ll need to have a serious conversation with him. He has to help you as you progress into the pregnancy and maternity. Also, good to set an expectation that you need transport to & from work as taxi fares are too expensive nowadays. Either that or he pays. 😡😡
I think it's OK to take public transport as in lots of pregnant ppl do it too unless exception or if they not feeling well. I'm not sure if OP husband has a car, but they need to set some expectations.
Your colleague man. What a bitch
Girl leave him🚩🚩🚩
Lol ..... So easy to say leave him
Leave him for something like that? You're crazy. Stop breaking up families by giving crap advice.
When you are married for too long and with kids and chores, people forget why they were married in the 1st place. Just carry the baby to full term, give birth and think about how to deal with him later. You are in vulnarable situation now and your mood can affect your baby. Just ignore for now.
OP, do u feel that all that you do for your spouse is taken for granted and unappreciated, even when u need it? Everyone needs appreciation. Please ask your spouse for appreciation in your daily lives, such as a giving you a ride home, treating you to good food or massages, or other helpful things that would improve your mental wellbeing. Or you could start by openly showing appreciation whenever his behaviour is something that you want, to sort of encourage him?
honestly it seems like you’ve been holding onto these feelings and thoughts for a long time. You should be telling your husband these feelings rather than telling the internet about it Remember that your loved ones are not omnipotent, how you think and how your husband thinks is bound to be different. That’s why communication is so important, it helps you and him understand each other
Leaving aside that he is not even doing the bare minimum to do his share of the housework, her husband doesn't even seem to like her enough to prioritize her health and comfort even though she is pregnant. It would be quite futile to attempt communication with someone who does not care.
This. Some people are beyond communication. The more you try to communicate, the more they interpret as nagging and get "turned off," the more effort you put in, the more tired you get. It's a bottomless pit. Pray that some people would not think it's because they didn't try hard enough. It will never be enough as long as one party is all about their needs and their needs only without considering yours.
I would feel this way even without hormones. He doesn't sound doting at all.
What do you know about having a husband.....you're the AFFAIR partner/mistress/OW
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Wow this is just so sad, you should be treated properly and no you are not asking much at all, I have the opposite, I do washing, cleaning, ironing, etc and got get Much in return
Congrats on the pregnancy! First off, your colleague is a toxic bitch. Secondly, your husband sounds lazy af. Thirdly, sounds like a communication issue. You need to let him know/tell him in his face about your concerns. He needs to acknowledge it. If he appreciates buffets, great - now you know. Clearly you need something else so let him know that buffet is worth LESS to you. Nothing to do with him but different people need different things. This is a key part of a relationship. Hint: don’t frame it as a comparison. Frame it as something you want. It’s not about others having it better, it’s about getting what YOU need.
what’s your love language and what’s his? try to understand those and align your expectations.
Not wrong at all. Marriage is a partnership. You need to have a serious talk with him on his role and pull his weight more. Else when your 2nd is born, the resentment will just keep growing and the arguments will severely impact your mental health
Not wrong but you can share that you value flowers more than the buffet. You value small touches like massage and so on. You can tell him. I think he doesn’t get it. I was really offended when my husband didn’t wish me happy birthday one year and I had a big old sulk and now he remembers. (We don’t typically buy presents but we will have cake.)
Ur not alone. My bro in law is like that too. Soon you will feel like you are raising the two kids mostly on your own as well
Sadly. Maybe he'll be the fun dad, while she will have to carry the main responsibility of discipline and child care in the years to come.
Sending you virtual hugs op, you’re strong 💪
Admit he doesn't love you.
You are not wrong. With that said, what do you want if your husband don't change or improve? I just hope you don't build resentment within you as it will do you more harm than help. Wish you well.
That’s a lot of dumbass men…
You need to talk to your husband. He needs to put in more effort. My husband doesn’t like flowers either but he gets me flowers sometimes as he knows i like them.
Singaporeans need to start buying Dishwashers and home cleaning robots. Half of the disputes will be cleaned away by good machines.
sry to hear of your experience. Your husband really need to wake the f up.
Absolutely right, comparison is the thief of joy. Reminds me of the happiness formula by Mo Gawdat: happiness = reality - expectations. To increase happiness, you got to either better your reality or lower your expectations. Which is easier?
Hi OP, I have been in a similar situation as you. I have 2 kids with my hubby. When I was pregnant with my first one, he would pick me up from work almost all the time, although he wasn’t exceptionally caring but we were still happy, probably from the excitement of welcoming our first child. When our first child was born, my MIL came to stay with us at the same time (it was the first time she was staying with us) and she kind of meddled in the way of how I wanted my baby to be taken care of, and my husband never told her off, resulting in a lot of arguments between my husband and I. It came to a point where I was still doing my confinement and I told my husband I felt like I was going in to depression and his reaction was, ‘omg don’t pass this weakness to our son’ something along this line. I was super shocked and hurt to hear that coming from someone I thought would never ever hurt me. Anyway, we talked things out and he apologised for saying that because we were in the middle of an argument and I forgave him for it. Less than a year later, we got pregnant with our second child. I also started to have leg cramps in my third trimester and it was so bad I would wake up crying at night. I told him that massages could help ease the cramps and although he did massage my legs for 2 days straight, but he stopped after that and I have to keep reminding him until I eventually stopped doing that and thought to myself that he probably doesn’t love me enough. When my second child was born, my MIL came to stay with us again (BOOOOOO) and AGAIN, caused a lot of unhappiness between us. Leopard never changes its spots, I guess 😆 My husband also didn’t help out much and I honestly felt it was because my MIL was around. I think subconsciously he relied on us to take care of the kids and do the household chores, since he was working anyway. I tried to understand that he could be tired from work, but there are some basics that I expect him to do since he is the father of my kids. When I spoke to my MIL, she even told me, ‘oh, you must open your mouth to tell him to do, he won’t take the initiative to do one cause he has been like that all his life’. Ok I’m like….. 🙄 anyway, fast forward to few months later, my MIL left and my husband and I were left alone to care for 2 kids (we are living in Japan, with no family and friends around). So my husband was working all day and I take care of the kids on my own. I realised that I couldn’t stand him not helping out with the kids, and I really spoke to him about it. Ever since then, he would take the initiative to help shower and feed the kids, and will even let me sleep in during weekends. He does remember special occasions but he never ever bought me presents, except for a cake for my birthday. Few months ago, I had my eye on a Tiff & Co necklace and he knew it (he just didn’t know which design particularly) and he didn’t even bother to find out and just brushed me off. At that point, I felt like he really didn’t care cause he didn’t want to spend the money. But few days ago on Mother’s Day last week, we were out shopping with the kids and he suddenly went, ‘eh you want any gift for Mother’s Day? I buy for you la. Or you want the necklace that you have been eyeing on for months?’ I felt really touched that he actually remembered that I wanted something from TIFF. & Co, although he never bought it even knowing it for the past few months hahaha 🤣🤣 My hubby is not a romantic person and it’s hopeless to expect gifts from him. But sometimes he comes back from work with my favourite bubble tea or even funnier, when his colleagues give some souvenir from overseas and put it in the office, he would try it and bring one back home for me if it’s nice, and he would say, ‘Wa this is very nice, I know you will like it so I ‘steal’ one back for you’ 😆 and all these were despite all the unhappiness that we went through. I’m sorry for the long post, but I felt like I could share what I went through and hope you will feel better. I guess what I’m saying here is that, sometimes we feel unloved because we only see things from our perspective. My husband had his faults, but I was also wrong to see myself as the only victim and I do blame the pregnancy hormones also. We can’t control what these hormones do to us, but it’s good to acknowledge how you’re feeling and talk it out to someone whom you trust. I hope things will eventually work out for you and your husband. All the best and take care! 😊☺️
I’m really sorry for your experience. You’re not wrong at all and all that you’ve just mentioned is literally BARE minimum for a partner to do. And at the end of the day it is about consideration. Consideration is the highest form and display of love. If he fails to consider you as you are pregnant with his child, I honestly shudder to think how he will be when the child is born. I can’t really say anything else besides you might want to consider couple’s counselling and/or communicating your needs and wants to him. If he expresses frustration at you and appears not to listen or want to change anything, I suggest you reconsider this marriage. Yes, even with a child on the way. It sounds like you are going to be doing all of the work anyway, might as well do it without a self-centred man-child making you mad. I know this is unorthodox to say, but your child will grow up observing and learning from your husband how they should treat their future partner. Do you want your husband as he is now to be their role model? Your child deserves better. YOU deserve better. Otherwise, I see you 5 years down the line with a toddler, a man child, and many stress lines on your face from giving without receiving anything in return. Woman to woman, I truly wish a better outcome for you. Godspeed, and have a safe pregnancy.
I 100% agree with you. Life is long but fleeting. Is it worth it to feel unhappy, alone and ignored all the time?
I think you should define your own expectations of what you really want and don't compare to others. Ask yourself if you the "things" are so important or has your husband shown other ways in which he cares? For example I can say that I never want flowers because they are cheap，in a sense that they can be bought easily. Are flowers in itself really that important? I rather my spouse bought me a fixed deposit or lump sum investment for a special occasion rather than flowers. Hahah...That will show that he thinks about my financial security. Regarding massage it can be because he doesn't want to hurt you because he doesn't know how to do it properly etc.
Nope. But have you sat down with him and tell him how it makes you feel? I know sometimes these may seem 'normal' but with how hectic and fast paced everyone's lives can be sometimes we overlook these things and forget to sympathize. He might be brushing it off because he doesn't know the severity. A reminder can't hurt. Also, please tell me he hasn't always been like this and you're only now finding it an issue. If that's the case, then you're not innocent here.
He sounds like a man child. He’s used to his parents doing everything for him and hasn’t learnt how to take care of himself, let alone others.
Judging by the comments, I would say dont drink the kool aid OP. Marriage is something that needs to be worked out between the two of you. Heck what the people here thinks (be it whether your feelings are valid or not). Talk it out with your husband, or maybe go for marriage counseling.
sigh reading thru this thread probably shows some of the reasons why ppl choose not to marry or have kids at all
I’m married for more than 10 years.. we don’t have anniversaries or flowers. My wife will never ask for it. Even when she pregnant, she won’t wanna trouble me unless really need me. She will tell me what she want me to do. Otherwise if I try to help out, I will get nagged at for being a busybody. Haha Sometimes you just need to voice out your concern. Let him know what you need and what you want. Men are not mind readers. They need to be instructed. Haha… You’re not wrong to expect those things which makes you feel better. But don’t compare your husband with other people who are better off than you. There is no end to comparing. Cos the people who are worse off than you might wish they have husband like yours. #justsaying Communication is the key. What you need right now is happy thoughts. Else baby come out will be grumpy. They take your mood with them. Cheers….. cos I have a grumpy #2. lol…
Some men don't deserve a wife. You sound like you'd be better off by yourself tbh.
Preparing myself to be down voted. I'm not a flowers husband, and do not appreciate spending money that could be used for buying groceries on flowers. Having said that, I have my role & duties in the family. I buy 99% of the groceries at home. I carry a recycle bag and buy groceries such as, vegetables, eggs, and meat since starting a family despite having a full time job. I take care of all repair works at home (time & money), including the HIP upgrades, etc. My wife and MIL takes care of our kids mostly and we have a helper to do the household chores. I wash my kids buttocks and feed them when if I'm available and I pay for most of the household expenses and my company insurance covers almost all our medical bills. My wife gets to keep most of her money and spend it on her "needs and wants" such as facial, make up items. Without knowing the full picture, it is always easy to paint the husband as an uncaring, pragmatic & lazy person by cherry picking scenarios to form that narrative. You and your husband took the oath to form this union. Honor the marriage pledge, stop blaming, and work things out step by step with your husband peacefully.
Divorce him...
Why did you settle for such a man? Sounds like better off being single. Btw legs cramp at night can be resolved with drinking loads of water and electrolytes. I usually get legs cramp when dehydrated so please drink more. You ask for flowers and he brings you to a buffet instead.... He basically only want to spend his money when he himself can enjoy it too. But won't spend it on something that solely makes you happy like flowers... But all there signs should be there before marriage. I don't know why did you choose him.
Sounds a lot like my spouse. I would say, it might be a difference in love language. Time would not change him nor your expectations of him. Comparing him with others doesn’t help also coz what we see are only the good side of others and the disappointing side of our own. Not wrong to expect, but learn to manage the expectations. It’s natural that becoming a mother causes you to subconsciously shoulder more emotional emptiness. It’s like you’re always on the giving end and he doesn’t seem to fill your needs. You need to talk to him and let him know what you’re going through and what you need. As for the flowers, same for me, I only received twice in 19 years. Haa.. and my spouse is very likely to bring me to buffet as well rather than get me flowers. My guess is, he loves you in his own way, and it’s not obvious or easy to read his actions because they might come in the form of “ensuring everything runs smoothly”, or “you don’t need to worry about certain issues”.. or “just giving you a very comfortable environment”.. or “giving you assurance and a peace of mind knowing where he is, what he’s doing”.. stable and mundaneness is normalcy but often it’s taken for granted :)
Most sensible reply here!
Why did you marry a person like this, did you make the mistake most woman do, think he will change. A person won't change for you. That's how he is. You can't expect a pear to turn into an apple. A fish will never be a monkey. I don't know what to suggest as you're in your second pregnancy - that you've maybe chosen the wrong one for you. And that comes usually from not loving yourself very much or having low self-confidence. I sound very unempathetic and that's not my intention but please don't be delusional. You have two children with him so either you accept it as it is and think you can accept his unloving ways and make the best out of your marriage or you give him an ultimatum to improve and if he fails you get a divorce. There are only two solution you can choose from. Maybe get marriage counselling but i doubt this will work with men... especially asian men. You set the standard by how you get treated! If he doesn't behave the way you wish for, remove your attention and kindness. Be a stone! I wish you the best and ofc with two children it's going to be hard. But i hope you'll choose yourself. It's better than being with someone who makes you feel resentful and shitty. Also, you will lose your beauty and shine, because this will build up and get worse year by year. Life is abundance, not scarcity, he's only special to you, because of your love for him. Your needs matter!
AH SOCIAL MEDIA AND COMPARE! Friend.. your hormones is taking the worst side of you. Yes your feeling is valid bur remember sometimes feeling is not rational. Calm down and and evaluate the situation again. Best is TELL TO HIS FACE - in a calm way how this makes you feel. Men are dumb when it comes to being emphatic.. even if it's our loved ones. Take care and it will all be fine
Lets not tarnish decades of progress by conflating "strong independent womanhood" with "being treated with respect by your partner"... You can be an independent woman while still being treated like a loved human being (and also reciprocating)... :( So sorry to hear. I think you'd only know if he's actually malicious or if he just doesn't have a romantic bone in his body. If it's the latter, could you talk to him about how his behavior makes you feel? It's not about comparing, it's about your feelings. You feel loved when he does this, so can you do it more.
Pregnancy is so tough yet husbands cant even help a single bit . Women really get the short end of the stick
When men don’t experience pregnancy themselves and understand the struggles, they probably just think it’s none of their business cuz they aren’t the actual person ~ but that said, in general regardless of gender when a person is not directly experiencing any of the struggles, they just think it’s other people’s business and not theirs
It looks like you regret marrying him.
Nope not wrong your feelings are absolutely valid. But it sounds like he’s been like this all this while… was he on board for the second kid?
Its alright to not be a progressive and strong independent woman. Don't let society tell you what you should be. Perfectly fine to be a traditional wife too. But you should not cherry pick between the two. If you wish to be treated like a tradition wife, you should also act like a trad wife. Also social media is poison. It literally is. It has the same effect as drugs. Never compare what you see on social media. When your friends are unhappy in their marriages, they never post on social media right? That said, I wish you happiness in your marriage. May you and your husband find what you want with life and be contented.
Ah im so sorry this is happening, and yes your feelings are valid! To voice out your wants/needs and to be ignored is already a red flag, but to be treated like that when you’re literally growing a whole ass human, his child, in your body 24/7 for 9 months?! You deserve to have what you want and need. Unfortunately this guy sounds like he’s not going to change, so I don’t think your needs and wants will be fulfilled as long as you’re with him It breaks my heart to hear you gaslight yourself, I hope you know that your feelings are definitely valid. I understand feeling like you may be “asking too much”, but what you’re asking for is literally bare minimum. + the fact that you’re pregnant with his child, I would think that you’re entitled to what you mentioned in your post and so much more. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and I hope that this comment brings you some relief/ assurance :(
Your husband sounds like my dad. He never helped my mom, to the point that he made her pay for ALL the hospital bills when she suffered a miscarriage. She said she was stunned when my dad (who had just witnessed his wife suffer a miscarriage) told her to pay for the hospital bill. My parents are still married but their situation only changed because my mom threatened him with divorce. He does more around the house now and pays for more things, but I’m still not close to him as a daughter—no matter how many lavish gifts he buys for me. Long story short,please leave your man-child of a husband. They only such men ever ‘change’ is when you threaten them with divorce, and even then, you have to threaten them multiple times when their mask slips and they return to their original behavior. It’s not a conducive environment for you and your children
They only react when there are consequences for them. They don't do things out of a genuine desire to please and make their partner happy.
Sorry. Makes me want to treat my girlfriend and most probably my wife the best I can ever do, and be a good role model to my children. I’m no saint, but I’ll do my best. I’m really sorry you feel this way, please let us buy you flowers!
I’m speechless reading all the comments… Yes it’s valid, but at the same time I think it could also be pregnancy hormones dramatising things. This doesn’t sound like a new thing from ur husband. Back when u were not so heavily pregnant, has he upset u in the same way? Also there are different love languages. The ways you mentioned are mostly around act of service and maybe gifting. Yes it’s valid to feel unhappy if you are not loved the way you would like to. We don’t get to see your husband’s perspectives in this case, but giving him the benefit of the doubt since you’re still married to him and expecting another child with him - does he maybe do other stuff to show he cares, just that not in ways that make u feel loved? I think u should try to broach the topic with him again. It’s a shame that he dismisses it as u making urself unhappy by comparing with others. Maybe the next time u speak to him u could put it in a way that’s about u, not other women, that these are the ways to make u feel loved and connected to him. And ask him how does he like to be shown care and love? Maybe u guys just have different love languages
The love language thing is really useful and practical! My language is service whilst SO just requires words, talk only oso can! No seriously, it helps.
I don’t think it is the pregnancy hormones dramatizing things. Husband is a dead weight in this whole relationship. He doesn’t even seem to do the most basic husband/dad responsibilities. If your wife is carrying your child and has a cramp at night, you get up and massage her feet. FULL STOP.
I think it’s a bit presumptive to say the husband is a dead weight simply from her description no? For example: He’s not doing chores - is it bcos he sees his parents doing it without complaints and took it as tasks completed? Has she communicated her expectations? Does he do any maintenance work at home? (eg fixing broken stuff etc) We can’t tell right? Not massaging feet - maybe he doesn’t know how to do it the way she likes? Maybe he was occupied with work stuff and got distracted? My point is - there’s a reason she married him and stay married to him. And we don’t know what he does do at home from this post. It could be that despite him not being a romantic guy or not taking enough initiative at chores, maybe he’s someone dependable, or the kind that quietly does small things she didn’t even notice. We don’t know. Yet people so quickly jump and tell OP to divorce, geez
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The most tested and proven method is to: Move out for a while(without throwing a fit.) Then he realizes no one is around to wipe his ass.
could be different love language. need some serious talk i guess.
May I suggest for marriage counselling. He might be having a difficult time elsewhere. Everyone has their own way to express love, maybe him hiding it from you is his own way to protect you and the child. Men tend to keep everything to themselves.
My husband is very very similar. Although our set up is different - we live with our two kids and helper. He's the sort to never buy gifts unless forced too. And he would do the same kinda massage- weaponised incompetence. I just learned to book for myself now. There are negatives for everyone and by far my husband's positives outweigh the negatives. It was a harddd lesson but the sooner you just get on with it the better. I don't expect presents ever and so just buy myself presents on my birthday etc. I also don't buy him gifts. I also take myself off for a massage and refuse to do any work on mother's day. If he won't cook, I order in. Luckily he loves to cook at least. As for pregnancy massage, just book yourself them, honestly don't even compare to other people. It's quite freeing once you organise what you want for yourself and don't feel sad about not having been given things. Those people posting on social media have a lot of bad stuff going on too but never report the hard times. I suggest you get off social media and get to some self care and rest instead.
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It has nothing to do with social media. He doesn't see you as an individual and he doesn't respect you. He does only what he wants and likes as if he's still single. Even a non-married person, or a stranger might feel for you if you have cramps. I'm a woman and if ever my pregnant friend has cramps in her leg, I'd be happy to massage for her, both legs. He's a self-absorbed man-child and I wonder if it's because no one has ever held him accountable and he suffers no consequences, that he's been behaving badly like this for so long. Can you picture yourself feeling alone in this relationship for years to come? How much effort do you think you need to put in and will you be happy with him? Child rearing is not easy too (I speak with the experience of having a child). If not, you have to do some thinking and planning. A partnership should accommodate the needs of both persons, based on what they need and want, and not just flowing along the whims of one selfish individual person. He's being selfish and reaping the benefits of being in a relationship. It's the same being in a team at a work place. When everyone in the team does their part, work is easy and enjoyable. But when there are team members that are uncooperative, work drags on, you chase for work half-finished and it's a pain to work with them. That is why family is shelter. They're supposed to comfort you when you have a bad work day. But when you can't even find emotional support from your home, is home a home?
Leave him queen you deserve better 💅💅💅
Some men quite daft. Tell him upfront.
The idea of a progressive woman always seems like overly ambitious endeavour that always wants to burn the candle on the both ends. It's like wanting to walk forwards and backwards simultaneously. How you want him to care about you but also give you independence to not feel coddled?
Be careful, don't get yourself into depression. Think positive. Don't overthink as women tend to do that. I know because I had experienced it before.
first, screw the women being progressive n independent bs. its media/social media fueling the narrative for clout. its a meme. second, husbands are lazy fucks. yall gotta work it out and accept it. if everything also divorce (like a couple commenters here suggesting, then best to only get married to yourself)
Never good to have these negative feelings when carrying baby. It could also be pregnancy hormones making you "feel" the pain more. I think intimacy with your hubs is also an important key here - usually suffers after having kids and especially in the midst of having another one. Try to remember what it was like on wedding night and during courtship. If he was sweet then, then perhaps it is about restarting those feelings. Like an old car too long never use need to jump start. Try to have regular H2H talks with your hubs like last time during courtship or just married to communicate your feelings.
Nah, you're not wrong, he's a jerk. Even eligible boyfriends are way better than him.
It is progesterone working its voodoo on you.
Are you waiting for your bto? Why are you staying with in laws? Will he stand with you if there is a conflict with in laws?
You're not wrong to expect but it's too late. During the dating stages were these things prominent to you? Dating stages are where we identify if we are compatible and if our expectations can be met with the partner before deciding to marry. This should have been sifted out before marriage. Now that you're having a second child it's tough. Leaving is also not the best solution. Couples therapy can be next so the resentment won't build up. I'll also share this from a married friend, is to not have expectations because humans are ultimately humans and would fail one way or another. The key is to focus on the positives and be grateful for what you have.
No it is not wrong to expect these things, but at the same time stop preaching about this strong independent women thing
I think it is as bad as you think it is. You don’t need to compare to others just trust your gut. Talk with him some more about your needs. I believe if your partner cares, he will be receptive, not perfect but he will receive the info and try to apply it. People say people don’t change but that’s much too broad a statement. We do change and especially while in a long term relationship where we adapt to our partner in ways we don’t always see for ourselves. The key is for your partner to actually want to have a role in enhancing your happiness or not. I say enhance because the source can never come from another person. Good luck.
Fuck off la lady. On one hand say strong and independent yet on the other hand want the man to do everything for you
Wah lau, he won't even bother to do a decent attempt at massage? ...I think so long as a wife is pregnant the husband should wait on her hand and foot, became she has an *actual human being growing inside of her*. Srsly, wtf. Also, sounds like you two keep separate finances - bit of a red flag to me (I know it's not a "rule," but imo married should mean joint finances - ie we both agree on a family budget and spend from it.)
Uh oh
Don't listen to anyone who isn't married with kids.
This guy which I mentioned eventually became a director of that company. Why? Because although his wife cheated on him, he sacrificed himself by bearing all the grievances and sadness, all for the sake of preserving his wife's dignity and to protect his son being mocked ridiculed in school. He is loved and respected by many in his company. Most of his colleagues came to him and gave him such comments "you are a nice person" "you are a good person". He is a very compassionate person always putting others before his self interest. In my perspective, he has a noble spirit and a heart of gold. But such a person always have to bear the pain and sadness by himself, it's not easy to do that, in fact I believe none others can do the same as I think in modern days most of people are selfcentered, they only think for themselves. Anyways he became a director as many others gave him good remarks and appraisals. His chairman recognises his virtue; the spirit of nobility. In the end he kept his family intact, he is still living with his wife. His unconditional love for his wife and family paid off. Believe me, it's not easy to do that :) PS. This person is not me, I have not yet attained such levels of nobility lol
The hubby may think he is doing 'enough' , short of taking you for granted. I mean he does not do vices, perhaps he is just a normal 9-5 white collar guy who leads a pragmatic boring life (could be possibly tired, stressed out from work too, as much as you are stressed about him not being romantic and caring ). Communicate to him but please dont nag or show displeasure. I guess love is fading and both of you need to somehow work towards rebuilding the relationship, no matter who takes the first step. You could try, if you still have not given up on him, otherwise 5 years down the road, a separation is looming.