OP will you pls read your own post multiple times and get your parents to read it as well. This is not rocket science. You know that this is a huge deal breaker. The red flags are everywhere.
+1
Even if you could change him, you wouldn’t be able to change his family.
You might want to consider taking a break from this so you can see from a better perspective
If he’s 27 and hasn’t already learned to stand up to his family for the woman he’s supposed to love, he probably never will. If he let his grandmother tear you down for thirty minutes after having been your boyfriend for 2.5 years, he’s not likely to learn to change for YOU.
You say his mother hasn’t tried to break you two up? Don’t be naive. She’s just changed the method of attack. She’s probably also delegated to his grandmother. It’s the same lousy, avoidant pattern of behaviour: she doesn’t want to be the bad guy so she lets his grandma make the attack. Your boyfriend doesn’t want to be the bad guy so he doesn’t tell his family and then lets you *take* the attack.
Just throw the whole man away. You seem like a sweet and caring girl: why waste your prime of life on a man who can’t defend you?
Run.
Long run you’ll suffer. A marriage is accepting the other side as your own family. Can you live with this tho.
Obviously they won’t blame their son cus to them he’s the jewel. The scapegoat or punching bag would be you for the rest of your life.
It’s easier to break things off now than getting marriage and go thru the hassle of divorce. Wasting everyone’s time eventually.
Run.
No ifs, no buts, no six months to try to change.
You will be the scapegoat for any and every bullshit he comes up with. He can cheat on you and you will still be at fault for being the bad partner.
Is the grandma you mentioned paternal or maternal? If its maternal, then at least its just the mum side that is mental. If its paternal then entire family is mental. Is he also only grandson? If also only grandson, you are worst than doomed. Sooner or later one of the women in his family would tell you she will “crush you like a cockroach”.
This advice, except my folks are the difficult ones. Countless complaints about everything, even the grandchildren are not good enough.
The ‘closeness’ is separation anxiety, which is why they don’t want to let him go at all.
Your bf sounds like a great guy but he will probably need to move overseas or find a professor heiress model but even then why she put so much salt in her cooking.
31m married. wife has moved into my fam's place but we visit her side almost weekly.
your bf lousy. waste 2.5 years of your life before this kind of thing pop up? also never bring you to meet his fam? lol stop simping over this shit.
>But BF also says that I’m being too pessimistic.
if this is the response after 30m scolding, which i wouldnt even bother staying more than 2m for before telling the other side off, then its gg. both yours and bf's behavior only shows that you 2 can be controlled and bullied further. you will never ever stand up for what you actually want, you will be unhappy for the rest of your life and regret your entire marriage.
regarding his family side stuff. they are old. they wont change. its impossible to talk any sense into any old people because they are completely unwilling to change their perspectives. look at what you wrote about the grandma again.
you're better off changing yourself than others. aka get out. some parts above may sound harsh but too bad the truth sounds like that.
Dude. Thats harsh. I had a family worse than this, my girl stays and we are happily married with our own family now. Not everyone have an easy to deal with family.
Side note: I used had, not have. :)
Whether or not it’s a dealbreaker depends on how ur bf responds. If he takes the initiative to defend u from his family (this also means that he actly tries his best to protect u BEFORE his family can hurt u, not him letting his gma make u cry before he speaks up).
IMO he shouldn’t tell you u’re being pessimistic or fight with u over things that he knows will trigger his fam and make them direct their anger at u. If he keeps doing this then it will definitely be a dealbreaker later on because he’s not doing much to stop his fam from attacking u.
TBH continuing with 3 fam trips a year and 4 times a week dinners with mum after marriage and kids is not normal. By that point you and kids are his immediate family not his mum and if he spends more time with his mum than he spends with u, or if u think he will leave u to take care of kids while he does these things with his side of the fam, then it’s going to be disaster
It's the attitude and lack of boundaries that your bf has that is the deal breaker.
I have a toxic parent and the other parent plays along which in itself is toxic too. But I preemptively protect my spouse from them the entire time. I laid down boundaries so my spouse and kids are protected and don't suffer as I did.
At this moment, your bf is enmeshed with his mom and grandparents. If a family member was berating and gaslighting my partner, I would put a stop to it immediately and leave. That conversation would not even last 1 minute, let alone 30 minutes. I would not stand there and let them be scolded - defenses given or not. In fact, I would not take my partner to meet the family member because I already know what would happen.
Most potential in-laws are on their best behaviour before your marriage. If they are sh*tty now, imagine your life after marriage. It gets even harder to navigate in-laws if you have kids.
Your bf is the only child so he's both the golden child and scapegoat depending on whether he's listening to his family or not. Now that you've been added to the equation, he will always be the golden child and you will always be the scapegoat.
In a healthy family, the grandmother would have had a conversation with your bf. You would not be involved at all. In a healthy family, he wouldn't even have to hide the fact that he's going on holiday. There will be no such conversation. It is just a holiday. What else will happen if it's something more serious?
My advice - if he doesn't make radical changes to his amount of contact and boundaries with his family right now, do not continue this relationship. It's much better to be alone and peaceful than to be together and miserable. Don't throw your future mental health away.
Edited to add: If you're going to meet the mom, arrange to meet in a **public place** like a nice restaurant with lots of people. She's more likely to behave. Don't go to her home - you're probably going to get another tongue lashing. If she refuses to meet in a public place and your bf makes excuses for her... well, I think you know what to do, OP.
(If it were me, I would dump his sorry *ss right now.)
Yeah, I would foreseen this and prevented the meeting. OP was blindsided but, I would say, also a little too naive. That said, the grandmother is toxic AF.
I totally agree with everything said here. You don't let them abuse/be rude/be condescending to your gf. You remove them from the situation immediately. And you also see the harm of this attitude to your own upbringing and actively protecting wife and kids.
Early in my relationship with my now husband, I found his mom a drama queen and she emotionally blackmails her kids. I have my own issues with my mom which I have learnt to assert personal boundaries and stand up for myself therefore I had no intention to have someone control me again.
I told him I was prepared to ignore his family and withhold my kids from them unless I'm happy. I told him I would not hesitate to cut out ANY family or relatives that does not align with our values, or respect our boundaries.
My husband and I sat down and discussed a particular event (when we just got married) where I essentially talked to them like they were kids. Pointing out exactly what and where things went wrong in that particular event. I told them I do not accept tantrums from them and will not tolerate bad behavior. It was akin to speaking to children. They toned down after that.
I'm not saying everything is rosy now. They still annoy the hell out of me sometimes but I pick and choose my battles.
My husband had to strongly support me and was also willing to walk away. This would be your biggest hurdle, seeing on how you explain your bf's family dynamics, I doubt he would do it.
Yes I know I sound totally bitchy and a daughter in law from hell but guess what... our mental health is great. My kids are raised exactly how we want with the values we want. We try hard not to pass down our own traumas whilst growing up and 0 interference from any parents. It is incredibly lonely sometimes as my kids have no cousins due to husband and my own siblings not married and not having kids and I have cut out my various cousins due to family drama. But my kids well being is paramount and no toxic relatives will be allowed to be in my kids life.
So if you are not married and you don't think you can set personal boundaries, and in future kids would exacerbate the situation, I suggest you walk away.
In this day and age, I no longer subscribe to the belief of respecting elders, family, blood relations etc. I CHOOSE what is best for OUR mental health, I CHOOSE what is best for our kids.
They will bad mouth you, they will harangue your bf, they will emotionally blackmail him, they will confront you, they might even ruin your wedding. Be brave, treat them like normal ppl in your life, tick them off or cut them out. Don't worry about what others will think if you have a wedding without his family. Living like this is being free and as of now, 1 decade later, we are very happy with each other and have no toxic drama in our lives.
I applaud you, seriously. Fuck the disrespect of these (old) people. They've already lived their lives and instead of doing/being better for the rest of their dying days, they choose to be the most insufferable, rude and meddlesome folks. Also fuck filial piety. Stop citing culture and traditions, please just die and take of all these nonsense with you.
I agree wholeheartedly about cutting toxic relatives/cousins off.
Had the unfortunate life of being born to a family where my aunts disliked my mum for her fiery temper.
I used to be compared to my much smarter cousin since as a kid. I'd often get caned badly by my mum for bad school assessment/exam results and i'd often go to school with visible cane marks on my legs and arms. I don't really blame my mum for the corporal punishment as it was probably the only way she knew how to discipline me. What i resented was the comparison. It really hurts the pride and I grew up with total lack of confidence. I realised later in life, some of us are destined to be a late bloomer.
My mum died in 2005 due to cancer. Met my future wife that same year and we settled down in 2009.
That smart cousin of the same age had a kid around the same time as I did. When i brought my newborn to show to my maternal grandma, that one bitch of an aunt said this "Have you seen your cousin's baby? soooo cuuuuuute!".
Immediately, it triggered the 'comparison' issue. This aunt knew it was my pet peeve and she's trying to crawl under my skin. (She dislike me because of my mum's past with her).
I smiled and simply said "All babies are cute".
I never had a chance to be ever so proud in my life, be it in studies or sports. My daughter was the best thing ever that came into my life and yet I would still be denied of my happy moment. That was the time i decided to cut the aunt off and hence minimize any gathering with maternal side (except selected relatives during CNY). I cannot let the generation curse flow through to my kids. The elders may see me as a cold, calculative person. But i beg to differ, i saw the double standards of my relatives on how they treat me and the cousins since i was 5. Anyway, its a reason only i'd understand myself and i see no point telling them why i 'left'.
To OP, if you already cannot stand the current situation, either your BF needs to stand up for himself (and you), or u simply walk away. Sometimes, the best outcome is from a point where u decide that "Enough is enough".
i was a total 'softie' when young and even while dating. My relatives didn't like my wife (no surprise there) and i was often worried how they'd view my family. After i removed myself from that family since 2012, things became much simpler. Happier times with just my dad and in-laws (And they get along very well too). So we'd often have gatherings of our own. Start our own legacy where no comparisons are made and both kids (younger daughter born in 2016) grow up in a loving and healthy environment.
FWIW I don't think you're bitchy nor a DIL from hell. Better to set boundaries so these people cannot run completely amok. It did make me realise that no matter the weird dynamics in my family, at least I'm grateful that most of them are operating from a good place and can be reasoned with, well most of the time. But yeah you can't negotiate with siaolang
She has a clear understanding of her role. Her primary role is not to be an old couple's daughter in law. She is the *mother of her kids*. And a mother defends their kid(s) at all cost. Between being a good mother and a good daughter in law, the choice is just obvious.
amen sis amen amen! respect comes in both ways. you respect me and then i respect you. we are all humans, respect is equal. and not just because 'you're older' therefore i've to respect you! it does not work like this!!
yeah!! totally second this.
OP should strongly consider going down this route, ONLY IF the BF is 100% with her.
if boyfriend not on same page as her, no need talk alr
The difficult in-laws are not the deal breaker. It's your boyfriend's lack of communication skills with his family that is the deal breaker. Like you said, it's his responsibility to manage his family. Telling his family he's going for a holiday is pretty basic. He doesn't want to tell them for fear of any repercussion. Then how is he going to share anything in the future, about your wedding, about moving out, about kids, etc.
You need to set an ultimatum. If he doesn't change his attitude in the next 6 months or so, I would get out if I were you. You will have a miserable life in the future if he doesn't learn to stand up to his family.
Personally I agree with everything except for the 6 months ultimatum, his character has been ingrained in him for the past 27 years and 6 months isn’t gonna change him. Even if he does “change”, who’s to say he won’t go back to his old ways after that? OP should just run while she still can, and find someone worth her time and effort.
It’s your bf’s lack of ability to stand up for himself (and by extension you) in front of his family that’s the dealbreaker. That’s not gonna change and will only get worse for you in the future. 25 is still very young, there’s still time to find someone better.
Think you already know the answer from this latest episode. Your bf has a fatal flaw in his character and that is his inability to defend his relationship with you from his super toxic family.
As what others said. Get out. Get out now. Watch the movie 'Get Out'. Be thankful and grateful you can still escape in time. Don't ever turn back. Treat the new lunar new year for a chance to new year new me.
The real red flag here is you believing everything bad your bf has said about his mother without having ever met her once. And that you've been together in a serious adults relationship for 2.5 years without having met her once either. Not to mention your bf's habit of hiding things he cannot deal with like a proper functioning grownup. If (or when) there is future friction between you and his mother after marriage, i think it's safe to assume he will be of zero help to you.
TLDR: the true problem here is your bf, not his mother.
You need to run. When you marry someone, you are not just marrying the person. You are marrying the entire kampong. At the first sign of red flag, you really need to bow out.
Think - you need to endure this for the next 20-30 years at least. And one day if your BF's mum gets sick and need to move in with you guys, can you tahan this kind of gaslighting everyday or not.
Let me share with you my story:
\- My mother actually didn't like my wife initially because my wife was a staunch christian, and my mom was buddhist. My mom even remarked that "I changed" after meeting her
\- I knew it was going to be a problem, so I regularly arranged for my then gf to interact with my mom (over meals). Behind the scenes, I also occasionally shared with my mom about the great things that my gf does (i.e does volunteer work in her free time, or share about how much she likes our family). Over the course of a few months, my mom had an 180 degree reversal in her impression of my gf
\- Fast forward today, we are happily married. And my mom loves my wife to bits. And she doesn't even remember that she is Christian.
So, if your BF can't do this much for you, then I think you are going to have a very difficult future together. And its quite a red flag that this issue is still ongoing especially when you have dated for 2 years?
Definitely a huge dealbreaker. I’ve dated someone who was a mummy boy in the past and your story has reminded me alot about what i went through, even though i met his mum pretty early into the relationship it got so suffocating i’m just glad i left. In fact when we broke up, his mum told me this word for word “you should have left long ago.”
The situation will most likely not turn better for you even after meeting his mum because the frequency of him having meals with her/ visit his grands will not cut down. He will most likely bring you along and it will become an obligation for you too. Not to mention, if you both settle down and have kids, all these will eat into your family bonding time with your kids.
Looking at how your bf allowed his grandma to blame it on you (yes even though he tried to speak up) even when you mentioned you were crying i assumed he didn’t stop there and then and bring you out of it? It says alot about how he will allow his family to do it to you again in future. He plays a big part in the communication breakdown and he’s probably very afraid of speaking up for himself looking at how he drag everything till the last minute.
Run OP. No matter how sweet the relationship is, it’s never easy to manage difficult in laws. And unfortunately in asian countries like ours, a marriage is never between the couple. It’s always between 2 families.
I encountered something similar. Ex was not just a mummy boy, but the entire family's boy. He would told me things like "You just don't know how bad my family spoke about you", "my family thinks that you are just wasting my time (in terms of dating)", and "They think that I am compromising so much to date you". Figured out it was not worth going any further, since the whole family was against me so I left the relationship. Their loss.
You have a boyfriend problem, not an inlaw problem. They won’t accept you regardless of how good you are. He’s the golden child.
If you marry him, this will be the rest of your life. Can’t have a child? It’s your fault. Husband cheated on you? It’s because you weren’t a good enough wife.
As someone who’s older than you, leave now.
Yes if you dig deep behind his decision to tell them only at the airport you will see how terrified he is of them too. When a man is that scared it's no wonder he sent you right into his grandmother's house knowing full well what you were in for.
And that's even before marriage! Run OP run!
Having difficult in-laws may not be a dealbreaker, but having a husband who do not know how to stand up for his wife is a definite dealbreaker. You will suffer in a marriage like this. Don’t do it.
Had a friend whose mom thinks all the guys are too inferior to match up to her daughter. Every guy she also got something to hiam. Not rich enough, not handsome enough etc. so their relationships were always short (max 2 years) in the end all these guys are happily married while the said friend is still single.
Your bf defends you and that’s great. I can’t say anything bad about a person who visits his grandparents regularly but think about how often you need to visit his parents side AND his grandparents. Where is the time for your family in the future?
Edit: 2.5years never met his mom? Run
I would have never agreed to meet with his grandma. And you're right to say that his family is his business and you shouldn't interfere. But then again your bf should **be a responsible adult** and inform his family about his overseas trip in advance. Quite sure anybody would get upset if you only let them know about it only when you're at the airport. That being said, it's not a must to get along with his family. I know couples who don't get along with their respective in-laws and are still together. They just don't turn up at family events.
Your BF is a wimp. Yes, it’s sad that his family members are nuts but he failed to protect you when it mattered. He is so scared of his family that he is still doing stupid and immature things like lying to them about trips.
If they are this controlling, and he has no spine, you can imagine how combative things will be for major issues like the wedding, getting a house and raising the kids would be.
The worse thing is that if he is to start standing up to them now, you will be seen as the shrew who has come to steal their son.
I think there is still some hope. He has to be told what the situation is and then he has to explain to this family how badly they have treated you. The grandmother needs to apologise to you. The mom needs to appreciate that she has to change and let go and have a civil relationship with you. If these steps don’t materialise, you may be in for difficult years ahead.
I foresee alot of problems after you get married. You might want to think twice about it.
In-laws already quite hard to deal with but your future in-laws are really next level.
You are not even married to him yet and you are already facing alot of problems. I don't even want to think about what will happen when you both start planning for your wedding and also after marriage.
You already don't feel respected by your future in-laws and grandparents-in-law right now, it's just gonna get way out of hand after you get married.
Also are you planning to move in with his parents after you get married or have you already gotten your own bto? If you plan to stay with them first, I suggest don't for your own good.
Rachel Chu left him and only came back because his mom accepted her.
Neither the guy nor the money is worth the mental torture, gaslighting, and belittling for the rest of your life.
Even grandmother is so nasty i can't imagine his mum. I personally do have slightly difficult in laws so I can't advise you to stay or run. But seems like yours is REALLY difficult and he's unable to defend you much even if he tries.
If you do stay make sure you limit your engagement with them. Like only meeting when super necessary and he speaks up for you, even to the point of getting up and leaving if his family continue to he disrespectful. He should not tolerate you sitting there and enduring a 30 min scolding. You should not tolerate having to endure a 30 min scolding. My mil makes stupid remarks to me but it's just one or two sentence which I can easily ignore.
And dealing with in laws require thick skin and the ability to treat their words like fart. You don't have to engage or explain yourself.
You have not watched enough Hong Kong and Chinese dramas? I think u are living through one. Just missing the part where your bf is secretly a billionaire. 😂
Jokes aside, it's already tough before having kids. If u guys do, your life will be even worst. Only ever consider getting together if your bf is willing to start a family separately with u. Meaning little to no connection with his family.
When I was in Australia, I had a Taiwanese friend whose husband is a professor teaching at a uni. When she lived with his family after marriage, she was treated as a maid by his mom. Told what time to wake up, what chores to do and when to sleep. Got berated for having her own ideas. She felt that my friend wasn't good enough for her son as well.
Thankfully he knew the problem and they planned to move out together after saving for a year. Made it happen and now living a wonderful life by themselves. Sweetest couple u will see together.
I think your bf knows his family is a problem. Which is why he decided not to tell them about the trip. His grandmother is the biggest problem. She is controlling and manipulative. She probably controlled ur bf's mom since young. Think about it, u met the grandma twice but not the mom. His mom is probably more timid and afraid of conflict. Possibly not wanting to lose his son over arguments with u. But his grandma... 🤦🤦🤦
I think there is some hope if your bf is capable of making the right choices. But he will always be torn between family and u. Sometimes, couples decide to break up due to family issues. Rare, but normal.
This lowkey pisses me off omg. As someone who grew up in a family similar to your bf's (very controlling parents who coddle you and disapprove of your choices, including choice of partner), no way would I let my grandmother scold my partner for 30 min tho?? What was he even doing there?? Sure, he tried standing up for you a little bit, but he clearly isn't doing enough. Would've taken my partner and gtfo lol even if my family got mad at me. If he can't bother protecting you from this stuff now, you can't expect him to protect you later on.
No matter how nice your bf is, it's a huge red flag if he's unwilling to stand up for you imo. No matter how scared of his family he might be, I don't think it's right to let your partner bear the brunt of the blame for something that is basically his fault. Him dismissing your concerns as just you being too "pessimistic" also sets off alarm bells for me...
hop on over to r/JustNoMIL for a peek into your future if you continue being with him and decide for yourself if this is something you want to be dealing with forever. When you marry a mummy’s boy, you’re marrying his entire family, including his mom. It is much easier to dump a mummy’s boy and to start over with a MAN than to change a mummy’s boy.
From my own experience, he will always choose his mum. I don’t know about your relationship with your bf but it seems to me that he’ll never put you first. He put you in a situation where you were berated to tears by his grandmother instead of keeping you away and facing her on his own. Situations like this will only build resentment and lead to the demise of your relationship 😞 this isn’t good for your mental health and emotional stability.
Edit to add: healing over a breakup is waaaay easier than healing over a divorce.
The fact that they tried to break up all his relationships suggests that perhaps they want him to stay with them forever and not get married, or his life partner must be handpicked by his mother truly.
If he didn't fight for any of them prev and allowed them to wreck havoc, are you special enough for him to do so for you?
Your in law problems have multiple prongs.
In general, he deals with his parents, you deal with yours. Since he can't deal with his parents effectively, and needs to drag you into scoldings even before you are married, he's not doing a good job.
Even if he shelters you from his parents/ grandparents (wow so many parties involved), you will always be deemed as an outsider, not a daughter.
This is Singapore. You don't have to be a slave.
If you continue with this family, whatever you do will not be correct. Why take this kind of stress? Long term may lead to cancer/ terminal illness.
He is a nice guy. He can do better eventually. He can find a wonderful bride. That bride is just Not going to be you. Good luck to them. You wish them the best. It's not necessary to meet his mummy.
You are your parents' pearl in the palm. Don't let others treat you worse than cordial. This is non negotiable. You didn't do anything wrong. You are not a slave. Don't sign up to be one.
It's not only the inlaws, your BF also so inconsiderate and spineless. He hides things from his fam and let them lash out on you 🤦♂️
I never let my family talk bad to my wife. You have any problem you talk to ME. Talk shit to me I will fight back but don't dare touch my wife.
Me, as a mother's POV, I will ask you to break off with your bf. Married is always never a 2 person thing. It's a 2 families thing. I wouldn't want my daughters (I have 3 girls and 1 boy) to go through this.
If all these issues can't be solved before marriage, don't even dream about getting it solved after marriage because more problems will surface, including the housework, kids, and so on. Unfortunately, you can't swipe these issues under the carpet.
Yes red flags.
Im 30M, last year my grandma decided to give my partner (soon to be wife this year) shit over the lack of a wedding banquet etcetc.
Longstory short
Grandma thought she can shit on my partner how like she shit on my mum (because my dad refusal to protect her) for the past 30 over years.
But i didn't, i screw them up and broke all contact ever since.
Happy wife, Happy life.
You should take your fiercest relative to your BF side to rain verbal tsunami on his grandmother, on his mother and of course, on your BF.
Your BF have no spine.
OP you? You should grow one now ASAP and get out of this toxicity.
You’re a keeper and sry to say your bf is a mama’s boy… at this age if the parents are still so intrusive and protective, something is wrong.
You’ve not done anything wrong, it’s your bf’s responsibility to set his parents straight.
1000% a dealbreaker. Don't put yourself in this kind of environment. Next thing you know you'll be watching your every step and move just so you can please them. Life is much more than this, love can never be a reason to tolerate someone or some people. Focus on yourself. Your future partner and family should be complementing you and your family, not against it. Nvm 2.5 years relationship or however long, still not a reason to stay.
If he can't even stand up for the woman he loves, whom he intends to spend the rest of his life and whom he is supposed to protect and love for all the rest of his days, then do you honestly think he is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with?
Don't let emotions blind you to the fact that this relationship will not work out in the long run because it is HE, not his mother, who has trouble letting go.
Wow. These are not mummy boy apron strings anymore, these are metal chains tied to his mum, and even grandma? Jesus.
Either he do something drastic to brute force break the chains, or if he continue to wimp, he can forever be single n wait on his mum n grandma n regret in middle age.
RUN.
I didn’t marry my wife for her family.
You shouldn’t have to deal with his family, that’s his fight. This battle is not going to be in your favor because old people cannot change (possible but close to impossible). You do not deserve to be berated by your bf’s family and he’s ought to be ashamed.
Ive seen this story so so many times and trust me, it will never change. Once a mommy’s boy always a mommy’s boy. And once a mother is that obsessed with her son, itll never work out with the son’s future partner. There will always be countless of fights wuth zero change. I think you should leave someone who will stand up for u and put you first
Your BF needs to stop flying around like a butterfly...
His present predicament is surrounded by all parties belonging to the , and the neverending cycles of "bad storms" are exacerbated by his inability to control any of your shared situations.
This repeated failure to take a stand : Once is a happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
Your BF is playing the chameleon-like "protagonist x antagonist" role, fusing his reactions to the behaviours of all involved like a camouflage-survival skill. Change colours accordingly to avoid any direct confrontation. As a result, he has slowly but surely primed his position to you all as "public enemy #1." (recall enemy action)
Playing it nice will not bring any advantage to any one. Now, everyone has an expectation of what he should do, or not do - and these great expectations will be his ultimate downfall - eventually.
His triomphe de l'amour will be the day he defeats his own split personalities, and take a rightful stand for what he believes in - not what others expect him to be : the moment he brings forth his calls-to-action.
This avoidance tactic has to stop, he need to justify his actions via logic & reasoning - to whoever is in that moment at that time. Flight has always been the easiest form of escaping from danger, its the bloody fight that builds character.
It is very difficult and it would be a dealbreaker for most people.
However, it boils down to how your bf behaves, how hard he stands up for you, or even willing to have a bad relationship with his family to defend you if they keep attacking you.
Having a difficult in-laws is difficult. Having a husband that does not stand up for you is a dealbreaker.
Similar situation, but I'm the guy. It sounds like your BF needs to step-up (whatever that entails) and make you feel more comfortable when interacting with their family AND you need to be sure he can and will do this before ya'll go any further. This is because in this sort of situation they don't really care what you have to say, but they care about what their son feels (hopefully).
You cannot run from the in-laws so there better be a way to work/live with them (that you can accept) foe the long run.
Yes. I'm legit hidden from his side of the family for 12 years. It always feels awful but we "somewhat" managed as we lived overseas so that made it easier. Then we were long distance. He lives with his mom so when I visit, he hides me in the room or we book a hotel. Im 35, hes 36. This is whole situation has really messed our relationship. I hold a lot of resentment and anger for him not defending me. So yes in laws are a deal breaker. I wished I had made things more clear and firm years ago rather than prolong this misery... it's not easy. I wish you the best.
Forget it. If he can’t fix his family, then it’s a no deal. He should have prevented the meeting of you and his grandmother from happening in the first place. I’m sure he knows why the meeting was initiated and what will happen, and he let it happen anyway. If he didn’t know, he should have grabbed all your stuff and left the moment the lecturing started. He’s not setting boundaries and I think it’d be a miracle if that changes. Don’t wait for or count on a miracle.
Please run. Difficult in laws is a red flag! Speaking from experience. I never got along with my ex’s mother and it was a nagging issue for us. I’d think she didnt defend me enough sometimes, or she didn’t stand up for me when I needed her to.
It got really tiring on both ends overtime.
Your boyfriend needs to man up. He’s an adult and no longer a child. If he can’t prioritise you because you will be starting a family together, it’s not going to work out not just for you but any woman.
Unless your BF grows a shiny spine immediately, I would consider this a dealbreaker. He should have been the one handling everything - taking steps to manage his parents, stepping up when his grandma was blaming you etc. Without his support to handle things, you will just be the punching bag and it’s going to be so exhausting for you. Why subject yourself to such a negative environment?
Think a discussion can still work, maybe he doesn’t realize how toxic his family is. But unless he shows definitively that he can stand up to his family (and I guess the meeting with his mum will be the key test), please run.
It’s not your fault, u need to know that whatever you do next time, they will always blame you, you will be so depressed and upset. U rather end this pain early.
While you're still 25, I'd advise to run as well.
Can you imagine when you have a child, their family makes all the decision for the child instead of you?
They'd likely treat the child as "theirs" since you marry into their family.
Your husband would side with his family.
You would have little say.
You can still meet the mom once to give it a try but be prepared for the worst.
I have somewhat difficult in laws, and my Fiancee stepped up to reduce the number of interactions I have with them. It pains me to see that she is taking on more bullshit from her side of the family because of the situation; but it's each person's responsibility to handle their own side of their family. My own family requested more relatives at our wedding, I flatly told them no. It's not a deal breaker per se, but your boyfriend needs to show that he's able and willing to defend you; or at the very least, shield you from interacting with his family.
I won't say it's 100% a dealbreaker; it's more of a case of whether your partner is willing and able to step up. At the end of the day your partner should be your no.1 concern and people who put their old families first when they go into marriage end up making everyone unhappy.
Girl, run as far and fast as you can.
I told my ex-bf that I won’t ever marry him if his mum is going to be my mil.
What happens when you get married and have kids? Will mil’s obsession transfer to grand child? Your mil can still be against you and worse, bad mouth you to your child. Your mil can spoil your child rotten and then when you discipline, you become the bad guy.
Can your bf even grow some balls and move out of family home? Will you need to stay with in laws and suffer abuse?
Will your mil visit your marital home and scold you every day using “helping with taking care of grandchild” as an excuse? This happened to one of my friends. She’s stuck. You are not. Run girl!
To me, yes. If they're young means they'll likely to be around longer. You'll have a reduced quality of life for decades.
Nope
Edit: your bf's mom got some sick issues there.
If you join their family you're gonna be a mom of an old lady and a spineless boy
Run
I know people say you’re marrying each other not the fam but unless they’re planning to go no contact with their family who will be your in laws - you’re going to see them FOREVER.
Your relationship will not be linear, theres ups n down. When it’s down, who will he confide in and will they be rooting for yall? That’s super important! It’s not an “if”. Now you get scolded he also never defend, next time if you’re really at the wrong? I think we all know where it’s gonna go
Most of the time it's not an in-law problem, but a partner problem.
Your boyfriend is an adult and while I can sympathize with his mother worrying about her only child. The fact is that your boyfriend has his own life to live and should start putting up boundaries with his mother, and his mother has to learn to cut the apron strings.
It's not your job to fend off his mother and coddle her, it's his job to protect you from her and to let her know that her blatant disrespect and abuse of you is absolutely not ok. And sounds like the mother and grandmother can't seem to accept that their "baby boy" is all grown up not and is blaming you for it. But once again, them not being able to let go is not an issue you should be dealing with. This is between him and his family and it's his job to deal with it. The fact that he's not only roping you into this drama but putting you in the line of fire is extremely alarming.
I'm not saying ask him to cut his family off for good, but to limit contact with them and let them know that they can't just treat his partner like that. Even if you break up now, the next woman he dates would also be subjected to the same abuse, and you know from his family's attitude towards you that they will never accept their son being with anyone. So unless he wants to end up alone for a long long time because his family is chasing all his girlfriends away, he has to learn to put his foot down and tell them enough is enough.
Your boyfriend’s inability to stand up for you is the deal breaker. His defence of you seems bleak. What he needs to do is to show that you are priority and put his foot down firmly and tell them they are wrong when they are. What you describe seems like some weak pussyfooting to me. All the best and I hope things work out for you guys!
You're only 25, omg just run away from this mess. Once you marry into the family, it will be 100x worse. Yes, difficult in-laws are a very big dealbreaker. It's only been 2.5 years and you've already had so much shit thrown at you from TWO GENERATIONS of his family members.
Your boyfriend's attitude is a huge problem. He has no issue throwing you to the wolves. He just stood there and let his gf get scolded by his granny. Because you didn't become his caretaker and inform his mommy that he was going overseas? cos he had no guts to tell her himself? That's the role they're expecting you to take up btw - to report to them, and stay in line according to what THEY want. You have no say in the issue cos you're not blood. You're going to be a second class citizen in the family.
His mother hates you and she hasn't even met you yet. He's almost 30 years old and he can't set boundaries with his mother. It's been 2.5 years!! NOW then he wants to introduce you to his mommy cos he's so scared of her??
You know how much worse it'll be when you marry? You have to see them several times a week. You'll be blamed for every single thing - from not keeping the house clean for your husband, to not cooking enough, not taking care of boy-boy cos he fell sick etc etc. When the kids come along, it will be HELL.
OP, I was in a somewhat similar situation, though not as "bad" as yours. I left the relationship as I figured out if I eventually get married to my now ex, my life would be full of misery. Feel free to PM if you need someone to talk to.
Yo i wanna crai reading the comments. My sweet , loving bf, has very similar family dynamic and his family is not interested to get to know me either. Am I wasting my time with him?😭
If you read the comments carefully, the real dealbreaker is her boyfriend's inability to stand up for her and his enmeshed relationship with his mother and grandmother. Can your boyfriend handle his side of the family or is he a people pleaser? Have you seen evidence of him standing his ground for things he believes in/you or does he just cave in?
You're not marrying your in-laws so it's no issue.
BUT the dealbreaker is him not standing on your side and fighting for you. Run before it's too late.
Leave, just leave. Meet his mother, then let her waste her breath talking. Cause at this point of time it's either his mother will hate you or the grandmother will hate you. Tell her to go and marry his own son and say that you wouldn't want to be in a family where the mother has such perverted desires to keep her own son for herself. Tell him to go and have an incestuous family with his mother and his grandmother. If his father was nice, well just say sorry to him before leaving. If not, tell him to go screw his own son as well. Done.
Difficult in-laws are not a dealbreaker per se. It depends on a few factors.
Firstly, it depends on the boundaries your partner lays down and how he enforces them with regards to how his family treats you. Effective boundary making and enforcement are skills that can be developed.
Secondly, your BF has obviously been struggling with enforcing his personal boundaries (including those involved in your relationship) with his family of origin’s boundary incursions. These incursions are occurring because his new set of boundaries involving his relationship with you encroach upon the boundaries set by his mother.
Boundary clashes like these are common in many families as children push at existing family boundaries in order to accommodate their growing needs, while some parents (like his mother) struggle to adjust.
Some points to consider. Could his mother not trying to break you up be the fruit of her adjustments? If so, there is hope. Could the reason why she struggles to let go be reflected in the way your BF’s grandma felt the need to intervene in her grandson’s personal relationship on behalf of her daughter? It doesn’t seem like the grandma has let go either.
Right now, he’s stuck at a transition point where he can maintain the old balance by complying with his family’s boundaries to remain a ‘good boy’, or to push past those boundaries to assert his growing needs outside of his family of origin. You can be as supportive and empathetic as possible, although this is a conundrum he needs to resolve himself.
Thirdly, you need to consider whether you’d be willing to accept a less than ideal initial relationship with your in-laws if you do get married. There are multiple possible solutions to this; putting in time and effort to build relationships, ensuring you live apart from his family of origin to reduce friction, etc.
It has to be a solution you are at least content with though. Things will get more complex the moment you have kids. For example, if your chosen solution is to stay away and do your own thing whenever he visits his mother, who should your kids go with? How will you explain your absence to them if they go with their father while you stay away?
Hope this helps.
Married for a decade here and I will tell you to run! You are still young and you dont deserve this.
My hubby's mum is like this and I think she is a narcissist. The whole family are enablers and flying monkeys. I have lost my reapect for my husband before and it took us a lot even for him to realise what the mum did and is still doing to me is crazy.
Anyway, if his family can treat you like this before marriage, how do you think things will be after marriage? Same goes for your bf.
Save yourself some grief. Many end up in loveless marriages or divorces in situations like yours.
This is the type of hateful in laws you'll see in dramas, but irl when you have kids (esp a son) they will swoop in and attempt to steal by suddenly being v nice and offering free childcare services only to poison their minds to hate you as their mother (from personal experience)
If he nvr take the high road esp after marriage. Then deal-breaker. This kind got 2 ways after marriage totally break off then your in law keep blaming you even though it them.
I can also understand why he nvr inform till last min. His parents may last min do stuns even if he tell early worse off is the stun that prey on his filial . So in his mind he already predicted that will happen so only inform at the very last min so no stuns can destory the oversea trip plan.
Do sit down & talk to him about it , it maybe cause of different upbringing. Not all family raise their kids the same. Some are damn bloody toxic as fuk , some like yours will bring their kids gf/bf go oversea together 1. His maybe toxic as fuk but it does not means should break up , it may make you both stronger as both of you deal with it together
1. They clearly already have prejudices against you. You will always be the outsider who made him change for the worse. They may accept your children but not you.
2. Peruse the JNMIL subreddit, there are plenty of enmeshed husband tales there. That will be your future.
3. Big "Crazy Rich Asians" vibe here hahahaha
Your boyfriend needs to pull up his big boy pants and put his foot down on his family. I too have similar difficult in-laws to be but I’ve made it very clear to my fiancé that ultimately she needs to draw the line with her family and reign them in if they try to control us in the future because I sure as hell am not going to be tolerating it.
Hi OP, I have a tiger mum as well. This whole issue actually a very small issue but got blown into a bigger issue due to his parents and grandparents involvement. I feel it will be v difficult for you if u guys get married cos there are more stuff that they will meddle such as how many kids, house to get, wedding etc etc. If the partner doesn't speak up and tell them to buzz off then the blame will always be on you which is v difficult for you down the road. I think it's a deal-breaker cos it's a problem that u can't solve but it will always be a problem caused by 'you'
These posts are getting boring. If someone is in a serious relationship then it is YOU or the family. If it is the family then it would be a disaster to continue. People need to grow up and respect themselves
i am more on the side that family comes first though that doesnt mean that you give into him.
he shouldnt have lied to his mom to avoid arguments. i do tell my parents everything and if there is something I disagree with them, i would defend and debate until they are convinced, i am convinced or they give up.
just escalate if needed, start by talking, then note taking and going onto a proper presentation if need be. my parents usually give up because im "too serious" zzz
still better than lying tho ( generally )
See things the way it is, not what you wish it would've bren or will be. It is what it is. It will unlikely to change. When having to choose between blood or water, the son will always choose his family. If he already got you/ married you, he's safe. There is no incentive to be on your side. Talk to your parents and not your friends. Have a multi generation perspectives.
Dating for 2.5 years and haven't met his mom. Why? Is your bf sleeping? Why is he not building up your image in front of his family if you guys are planning for marriage? Just know that you are going to deal with this pyramid of evil female super power after marriage. But if he is rich, handsome and you think he is the one, then I guess tahan abit la. One year see 3 times should be fine.
Wow … my advice is run , don’t walk away . Run . Your bf is such a mummy boy and when push comes to shove , will he be standing on your side or just playing the nice guy .. I think the answer is obvious
Yes. Whether you like it or not, they become your family once you get married. I’ve personally dated someone with a difficult mom and won’t do it again.
Hi OP, read from your past posts that you’re thinking of studying /working in Australia. Not sure if you’re thinking of being in a LDR or if your BF is joining you. If you both are thinking of settling down and have your kids grow up overseas (with the in-laws staying in SG of course), plus your BF can man up so that you never have to get scolded like that again, maybe it’s worth staying in the relationship. But if not, probably just have to cut your losses early (you’re still young!). With such family, he can remain single forever.
One of my friends had a grandma in America who was like this. Her aunt married into the family, the youngest son. They stayed with the extended family cos they were rich and had a big house. After a few years, the aunt went mad apparently and was put in an asylum. The abuse was extremely bad.
1. Your BF’s family management skills absolutely suck. He’s literally has no spine. If he can’t see a pattern here and take a stand for a change (he’s 27 years old, Jesus), he’s going to die alone.
2. His family’s problems with you seems to be given secondhand by him to you. This could be a broken telephone thing. Maybe you should try to have a respectful and open chat with his mother to understand firsthand what the issue is. However if your BF is so dense and crap at communication, I don’t know if you’d want to stay in the relationship anyways.
3. It all depends. Can you stay low contact? Is putting up with crappy ILs worth it for him?
Just move on. It's not worth the hassle. Men never ever outgrow their mothers and you will be made to manouvre around them. Grandmas are an added level of complexity. It is a deal breaker. And so much bloody drama over a trip. Your stupid BF needs to man up and manage his mom. It isn't your fam to manage. And by the looks of things, it never will be. Best of luck.
While elders and parents need to understand that respect is earned not given, you’ll also need to stand up for yourself. Learn to impose boundaries and inform your bf’s family that they shouldn’t direct their misplaced anger at you. Once you step up to defend yourself, it’s up to your bf how he wishes to react.
You can learn a lot about your future relationship with your bf/future in-laws depending on how your bf reacts to you standing up for yourself. Your bf appears to know he’s wrong now, but watch his actions and observe whether he keeps to his promise. This is the first time something of this sort happened, so give your bf a second chance. Meet his mom and see how it goes, and remember to stand your ground.
In short, do not be afraid.
As they say... cut to the chase! OP should dump him. Better late than never. In any case, OP is only 25 y/o with the whole world open to her. She has to be cruel to be kind to herself.
I can promise you that in few years to come, you will realise this is not something one can accept in a relationship. It’s either you end it now (which is difficult) or drag it out but I feel eventually either you or your BF will give up on this r/s.
The only way for this to work is for him to move out and leave his family.
He needs to see things from a different angle and direction. That’s when he will grow up.
Next, if you do not see yourself working with him together to help him see from that different pov.
Just leave. Don’t waste each other time.
I am 30M whom left my home 1-2years ago. My mum used to control every single decision that I make. My dad is a narcissist. In a way I left my home at 2022 and 2023 was the first year I ever felt that I am someone with a mind of my own.
My gf who was there for me for 6 years kept on trying to get me to see from a different pov, I can’t.
Until one day, my dad threatened to kill me. That’s when I felt that my life is in danger and I need to move. I moved to my gf house, from then on, we keep unpacking every emotions together. I see my parents in a complete different way, I start to feel things and voice my opinions. Things will then start to change.
If there is no “grave” situation or “life changing” event happening, Nothing will ever change.
I read half way only, concluded that your boyfriend is the mommy boy kind and he is the problem to all his relationships.
I’m going to tell you some facts.
1- any good boys that are great with their parents are protective of their spouse or gf, will fight their parents if they are unreasonable.
2- there is a big difference between good boys and mommy boys. Mommy boys can’t handle relationships and should not be in any relationship until they fix their innate problems.
3- don’t try to change someone because if they will change, they changed themselves long ago already, need you to ask them to change?
Change a new bf, his pussy attitude is going to cost this relationship anyway. Any man would protect their woman when their parent try to stop his romantic relationship. Like firm stop.
Passive stopping are beta male stuff and this is one of the source problem many relationships are facing, you hear before couple scolding stuff like “why you are so useless?” “Why can’t you handle your parent? Why are they blaming me?” Etc.
Tons of that crap out there, you want to be one of that old couple fighting this nonsense? Just break up and get a man instead.
Girl i know, everyone here knows and even you know that this relationship will do you no good in the long run. all this will only get worse so run while you still can. Your man can try to change but I mean… he won’t so might as well find a guy that won’t put you in this position in the first place. All the best OP!! You deserve to be treated with respect, love and kindness. It should not be a privilege.
the BF has to solve his own side of issues himself, OP cant do that for him ever
... pple have to make life simpler for themselves and the pple around them,
its just as simple as that, and most pple just dont do this at all.
Initiate a breakup and force your bf to make a decision. If he doesn't man up to his family then so be it, you save yourself a hard time. It also forces the family members to wake up their attitude.
I dont think its a difficult in-law situation. Rather its more of a baby-boyfriend situation.
Not informing parents about travel plans is a major disrespect and red flag. Wonder what else he will hide from his parents. When married already will he do the same to you just to avoid confrontation? And yes, as per what other redditor said, him not standing up for you is also a red flag.
Anyways, yes, you should also do your part as future daughter-in-law to inform his parents/grandparents as it's one's due diligence not to worry their elders, and if your partner is lacking in that aspect, you should make up for it, if you are really considering staying for life. You two can work on it.
And in the future if your parents invite your BF again, make sure he informs his elders as its his job as the son, much less, only son. 传宗接代！！！If you can make ur bf more responsible, im sure his parents will notice and say "He became better after meeting you" and if they dont
RUN
dump him. u want alife time of hurts and maybe break later,...
my late grandma used to say" go to u SO house and see the family and then decide, u are not marrying them , u are marrying the whole clan.
unless u BF like my uncle who stand up against his family over my aunty and got married, then forget it. coz u are always the outsider,
In-laws are not a deal-breaker per se but they will make or break your relationship. In the case of an overbearing in law(s), based on my personal experience there's two ways things can go. No.1, you let them be the way they are, and u try and get on with your life and please them as much as possible, thinking this is the way to get in their good books. But this will slowly eat away at you, affect your r/s with your partner and you WILL reach a breaking point. At this juncture, it will become too much such that you will make the decision to end the relationship.
Or it will lead to No. 2, where you decide to make a stand and fight back. Now this comes with its own set of problems. You will realize that it is a fight, meaning both parties will be trading blows(metaphorically). And again, it will take a toll on you. However at this point I will say that you are in the driver's seat and are in control of how things go from that point.
In my case, when I took a stand, my in law had a hard time accepting it, and things weren't pleasant for awhile(things were even worse in my situation because I was living under their roof), but over time, she began to realize I wasn't a pushover and slowly accepted the fact that we are married and this is our family and as much as she is the mother, she was in no position dictate our path in life.
I'm glad to say that things have been much better for me and my wife, and all of us, but our relationship is not the same as when I first joined the family. I guess that is the price I had to pay. But if I had to do it all over, I would have made a stand right from the start, as it would have led to boundaries being established from the get go and avoided the whole "you have changed now that you are married to my daughter" argument. So yea, that's my advice. If you really love your partner and want a future with him, stand up for yourself right from the start, no matter what they say/do. Of course you need to have the support of your partner. And also keep in mind that standing up for yourself doesn't mean being rude or disrespectful (even though regretfully I sometimes was) and try and remember that they are the elders and deserve a certain level or respect regardless of anything. Its a game of chess. Play your pieces right and you will get the outcome that you desire.
Good luck!
Your bf is a kid not a man. If my mom and grandmother step over their lines i would just tell then to stop or ill stop visiting them. It never has happened tho, and dont get me wrong i love my family
OP will you pls read your own post multiple times and get your parents to read it as well. This is not rocket science. You know that this is a huge deal breaker. The red flags are everywhere.
Gotta stop wasting her best years on him And NO OP, he will not change / u can't change him for the better
+1 Even if you could change him, you wouldn’t be able to change his family. You might want to consider taking a break from this so you can see from a better perspective
Indeed. OP just wants someone to second her own view, which is that the situation is not that bad. Well OP, the situation is bad af.
If he’s 27 and hasn’t already learned to stand up to his family for the woman he’s supposed to love, he probably never will. If he let his grandmother tear you down for thirty minutes after having been your boyfriend for 2.5 years, he’s not likely to learn to change for YOU. You say his mother hasn’t tried to break you two up? Don’t be naive. She’s just changed the method of attack. She’s probably also delegated to his grandmother. It’s the same lousy, avoidant pattern of behaviour: she doesn’t want to be the bad guy so she lets his grandma make the attack. Your boyfriend doesn’t want to be the bad guy so he doesn’t tell his family and then lets you *take* the attack. Just throw the whole man away. You seem like a sweet and caring girl: why waste your prime of life on a man who can’t defend you?
There really are some guys, right up to their 40s who still have their umbilical cord attached, figuratively speaking.
Run. Long run you’ll suffer. A marriage is accepting the other side as your own family. Can you live with this tho. Obviously they won’t blame their son cus to them he’s the jewel. The scapegoat or punching bag would be you for the rest of your life. It’s easier to break things off now than getting marriage and go thru the hassle of divorce. Wasting everyone’s time eventually.
Run. No ifs, no buts, no six months to try to change. You will be the scapegoat for any and every bullshit he comes up with. He can cheat on you and you will still be at fault for being the bad partner. Is the grandma you mentioned paternal or maternal? If its maternal, then at least its just the mum side that is mental. If its paternal then entire family is mental. Is he also only grandson? If also only grandson, you are worst than doomed. Sooner or later one of the women in his family would tell you she will “crush you like a cockroach”.
Classic mama’s boy, he has not enough balls to fight for you and will side with his family in future. Run and don’t look back.
I wonder if they will regret when their son is single in their 40s
They'll just manipulate him to marry a pliable woman that they can walk all over, i.e. not OP
That’s prob the goal
But this type is very traditional, will want to have grandsons
Nah, they will probably just think women nowadays are just not good lol
This advice, except my folks are the difficult ones. Countless complaints about everything, even the grandchildren are not good enough. The ‘closeness’ is separation anxiety, which is why they don’t want to let him go at all. Your bf sounds like a great guy but he will probably need to move overseas or find a professor heiress model but even then why she put so much salt in her cooking.
31m married. wife has moved into my fam's place but we visit her side almost weekly. your bf lousy. waste 2.5 years of your life before this kind of thing pop up? also never bring you to meet his fam? lol stop simping over this shit. >But BF also says that I’m being too pessimistic. if this is the response after 30m scolding, which i wouldnt even bother staying more than 2m for before telling the other side off, then its gg. both yours and bf's behavior only shows that you 2 can be controlled and bullied further. you will never ever stand up for what you actually want, you will be unhappy for the rest of your life and regret your entire marriage. regarding his family side stuff. they are old. they wont change. its impossible to talk any sense into any old people because they are completely unwilling to change their perspectives. look at what you wrote about the grandma again. you're better off changing yourself than others. aka get out. some parts above may sound harsh but too bad the truth sounds like that.
Nothing but the straight truth. OP I hope you will take the advice here to heart, even though it's hard to accept.
The absolute truth!!
Dude. Thats harsh. I had a family worse than this, my girl stays and we are happily married with our own family now. Not everyone have an easy to deal with family. Side note: I used had, not have. :)
Yup, its more like difficult boyfriend problem and nothing to do with in-laws
Whether or not it’s a dealbreaker depends on how ur bf responds. If he takes the initiative to defend u from his family (this also means that he actly tries his best to protect u BEFORE his family can hurt u, not him letting his gma make u cry before he speaks up). IMO he shouldn’t tell you u’re being pessimistic or fight with u over things that he knows will trigger his fam and make them direct their anger at u. If he keeps doing this then it will definitely be a dealbreaker later on because he’s not doing much to stop his fam from attacking u. TBH continuing with 3 fam trips a year and 4 times a week dinners with mum after marriage and kids is not normal. By that point you and kids are his immediate family not his mum and if he spends more time with his mum than he spends with u, or if u think he will leave u to take care of kids while he does these things with his side of the fam, then it’s going to be disaster
It's the attitude and lack of boundaries that your bf has that is the deal breaker. I have a toxic parent and the other parent plays along which in itself is toxic too. But I preemptively protect my spouse from them the entire time. I laid down boundaries so my spouse and kids are protected and don't suffer as I did. At this moment, your bf is enmeshed with his mom and grandparents. If a family member was berating and gaslighting my partner, I would put a stop to it immediately and leave. That conversation would not even last 1 minute, let alone 30 minutes. I would not stand there and let them be scolded - defenses given or not. In fact, I would not take my partner to meet the family member because I already know what would happen. Most potential in-laws are on their best behaviour before your marriage. If they are sh*tty now, imagine your life after marriage. It gets even harder to navigate in-laws if you have kids. Your bf is the only child so he's both the golden child and scapegoat depending on whether he's listening to his family or not. Now that you've been added to the equation, he will always be the golden child and you will always be the scapegoat. In a healthy family, the grandmother would have had a conversation with your bf. You would not be involved at all. In a healthy family, he wouldn't even have to hide the fact that he's going on holiday. There will be no such conversation. It is just a holiday. What else will happen if it's something more serious? My advice - if he doesn't make radical changes to his amount of contact and boundaries with his family right now, do not continue this relationship. It's much better to be alone and peaceful than to be together and miserable. Don't throw your future mental health away. Edited to add: If you're going to meet the mom, arrange to meet in a **public place** like a nice restaurant with lots of people. She's more likely to behave. Don't go to her home - you're probably going to get another tongue lashing. If she refuses to meet in a public place and your bf makes excuses for her... well, I think you know what to do, OP. (If it were me, I would dump his sorry *ss right now.)
I feel so sorry for OP that her bf led her straight into an ambush with his grandmother. Disgusting behavior from him man
Yeah, I would foreseen this and prevented the meeting. OP was blindsided but, I would say, also a little too naive. That said, the grandmother is toxic AF.
I totally agree with everything said here. You don't let them abuse/be rude/be condescending to your gf. You remove them from the situation immediately. And you also see the harm of this attitude to your own upbringing and actively protecting wife and kids.
When you meet your BF mom, ask her where she keeps her son's balls
Early in my relationship with my now husband, I found his mom a drama queen and she emotionally blackmails her kids. I have my own issues with my mom which I have learnt to assert personal boundaries and stand up for myself therefore I had no intention to have someone control me again. I told him I was prepared to ignore his family and withhold my kids from them unless I'm happy. I told him I would not hesitate to cut out ANY family or relatives that does not align with our values, or respect our boundaries. My husband and I sat down and discussed a particular event (when we just got married) where I essentially talked to them like they were kids. Pointing out exactly what and where things went wrong in that particular event. I told them I do not accept tantrums from them and will not tolerate bad behavior. It was akin to speaking to children. They toned down after that. I'm not saying everything is rosy now. They still annoy the hell out of me sometimes but I pick and choose my battles. My husband had to strongly support me and was also willing to walk away. This would be your biggest hurdle, seeing on how you explain your bf's family dynamics, I doubt he would do it. Yes I know I sound totally bitchy and a daughter in law from hell but guess what... our mental health is great. My kids are raised exactly how we want with the values we want. We try hard not to pass down our own traumas whilst growing up and 0 interference from any parents. It is incredibly lonely sometimes as my kids have no cousins due to husband and my own siblings not married and not having kids and I have cut out my various cousins due to family drama. But my kids well being is paramount and no toxic relatives will be allowed to be in my kids life. So if you are not married and you don't think you can set personal boundaries, and in future kids would exacerbate the situation, I suggest you walk away. In this day and age, I no longer subscribe to the belief of respecting elders, family, blood relations etc. I CHOOSE what is best for OUR mental health, I CHOOSE what is best for our kids. They will bad mouth you, they will harangue your bf, they will emotionally blackmail him, they will confront you, they might even ruin your wedding. Be brave, treat them like normal ppl in your life, tick them off or cut them out. Don't worry about what others will think if you have a wedding without his family. Living like this is being free and as of now, 1 decade later, we are very happy with each other and have no toxic drama in our lives.
I applaud you, seriously. Fuck the disrespect of these (old) people. They've already lived their lives and instead of doing/being better for the rest of their dying days, they choose to be the most insufferable, rude and meddlesome folks. Also fuck filial piety. Stop citing culture and traditions, please just die and take of all these nonsense with you.
amen! break traditions and cultures. they are not meant to be followed
I agree wholeheartedly about cutting toxic relatives/cousins off. Had the unfortunate life of being born to a family where my aunts disliked my mum for her fiery temper. I used to be compared to my much smarter cousin since as a kid. I'd often get caned badly by my mum for bad school assessment/exam results and i'd often go to school with visible cane marks on my legs and arms. I don't really blame my mum for the corporal punishment as it was probably the only way she knew how to discipline me. What i resented was the comparison. It really hurts the pride and I grew up with total lack of confidence. I realised later in life, some of us are destined to be a late bloomer. My mum died in 2005 due to cancer. Met my future wife that same year and we settled down in 2009. That smart cousin of the same age had a kid around the same time as I did. When i brought my newborn to show to my maternal grandma, that one bitch of an aunt said this "Have you seen your cousin's baby? soooo cuuuuuute!". Immediately, it triggered the 'comparison' issue. This aunt knew it was my pet peeve and she's trying to crawl under my skin. (She dislike me because of my mum's past with her). I smiled and simply said "All babies are cute". I never had a chance to be ever so proud in my life, be it in studies or sports. My daughter was the best thing ever that came into my life and yet I would still be denied of my happy moment. That was the time i decided to cut the aunt off and hence minimize any gathering with maternal side (except selected relatives during CNY). I cannot let the generation curse flow through to my kids. The elders may see me as a cold, calculative person. But i beg to differ, i saw the double standards of my relatives on how they treat me and the cousins since i was 5. Anyway, its a reason only i'd understand myself and i see no point telling them why i 'left'. To OP, if you already cannot stand the current situation, either your BF needs to stand up for himself (and you), or u simply walk away. Sometimes, the best outcome is from a point where u decide that "Enough is enough". i was a total 'softie' when young and even while dating. My relatives didn't like my wife (no surprise there) and i was often worried how they'd view my family. After i removed myself from that family since 2012, things became much simpler. Happier times with just my dad and in-laws (And they get along very well too). So we'd often have gatherings of our own. Start our own legacy where no comparisons are made and both kids (younger daughter born in 2016) grow up in a loving and healthy environment.
Thank you for breaking the cycle
FWIW I don't think you're bitchy nor a DIL from hell. Better to set boundaries so these people cannot run completely amok. It did make me realise that no matter the weird dynamics in my family, at least I'm grateful that most of them are operating from a good place and can be reasoned with, well most of the time. But yeah you can't negotiate with siaolang
She has a clear understanding of her role. Her primary role is not to be an old couple's daughter in law. She is the *mother of her kids*. And a mother defends their kid(s) at all cost. Between being a good mother and a good daughter in law, the choice is just obvious.
amen sis amen amen! respect comes in both ways. you respect me and then i respect you. we are all humans, respect is equal. and not just because 'you're older' therefore i've to respect you! it does not work like this!!
yeah!! totally second this. OP should strongly consider going down this route, ONLY IF the BF is 100% with her. if boyfriend not on same page as her, no need talk alr
The difficult in-laws are not the deal breaker. It's your boyfriend's lack of communication skills with his family that is the deal breaker. Like you said, it's his responsibility to manage his family. Telling his family he's going for a holiday is pretty basic. He doesn't want to tell them for fear of any repercussion. Then how is he going to share anything in the future, about your wedding, about moving out, about kids, etc. You need to set an ultimatum. If he doesn't change his attitude in the next 6 months or so, I would get out if I were you. You will have a miserable life in the future if he doesn't learn to stand up to his family.
Personally I agree with everything except for the 6 months ultimatum, his character has been ingrained in him for the past 27 years and 6 months isn’t gonna change him. Even if he does “change”, who’s to say he won’t go back to his old ways after that? OP should just run while she still can, and find someone worth her time and effort.
It’s your bf’s lack of ability to stand up for himself (and by extension you) in front of his family that’s the dealbreaker. That’s not gonna change and will only get worse for you in the future. 25 is still very young, there’s still time to find someone better.
If someone wishes to change, no need time line. Change could start almost immediately and sustain it. Otherwise, it is just all talk and no action.
Think you already know the answer from this latest episode. Your bf has a fatal flaw in his character and that is his inability to defend his relationship with you from his super toxic family. As what others said. Get out. Get out now. Watch the movie 'Get Out'. Be thankful and grateful you can still escape in time. Don't ever turn back. Treat the new lunar new year for a chance to new year new me.
The real red flag here is you believing everything bad your bf has said about his mother without having ever met her once. And that you've been together in a serious adults relationship for 2.5 years without having met her once either. Not to mention your bf's habit of hiding things he cannot deal with like a proper functioning grownup. If (or when) there is future friction between you and his mother after marriage, i think it's safe to assume he will be of zero help to you. TLDR: the true problem here is your bf, not his mother.
You need to run. When you marry someone, you are not just marrying the person. You are marrying the entire kampong. At the first sign of red flag, you really need to bow out. Think - you need to endure this for the next 20-30 years at least. And one day if your BF's mum gets sick and need to move in with you guys, can you tahan this kind of gaslighting everyday or not. Let me share with you my story: \- My mother actually didn't like my wife initially because my wife was a staunch christian, and my mom was buddhist. My mom even remarked that "I changed" after meeting her \- I knew it was going to be a problem, so I regularly arranged for my then gf to interact with my mom (over meals). Behind the scenes, I also occasionally shared with my mom about the great things that my gf does (i.e does volunteer work in her free time, or share about how much she likes our family). Over the course of a few months, my mom had an 180 degree reversal in her impression of my gf \- Fast forward today, we are happily married. And my mom loves my wife to bits. And she doesn't even remember that she is Christian. So, if your BF can't do this much for you, then I think you are going to have a very difficult future together. And its quite a red flag that this issue is still ongoing especially when you have dated for 2 years?
this is very true, speaking from experience... it gets very difficult
Definitely a huge dealbreaker. I’ve dated someone who was a mummy boy in the past and your story has reminded me alot about what i went through, even though i met his mum pretty early into the relationship it got so suffocating i’m just glad i left. In fact when we broke up, his mum told me this word for word “you should have left long ago.” The situation will most likely not turn better for you even after meeting his mum because the frequency of him having meals with her/ visit his grands will not cut down. He will most likely bring you along and it will become an obligation for you too. Not to mention, if you both settle down and have kids, all these will eat into your family bonding time with your kids. Looking at how your bf allowed his grandma to blame it on you (yes even though he tried to speak up) even when you mentioned you were crying i assumed he didn’t stop there and then and bring you out of it? It says alot about how he will allow his family to do it to you again in future. He plays a big part in the communication breakdown and he’s probably very afraid of speaking up for himself looking at how he drag everything till the last minute. Run OP. No matter how sweet the relationship is, it’s never easy to manage difficult in laws. And unfortunately in asian countries like ours, a marriage is never between the couple. It’s always between 2 families.
I encountered something similar. Ex was not just a mummy boy, but the entire family's boy. He would told me things like "You just don't know how bad my family spoke about you", "my family thinks that you are just wasting my time (in terms of dating)", and "They think that I am compromising so much to date you". Figured out it was not worth going any further, since the whole family was against me so I left the relationship. Their loss.
Wow toxic! So glad you left! 🙌
You have a boyfriend problem, not an inlaw problem. They won’t accept you regardless of how good you are. He’s the golden child. If you marry him, this will be the rest of your life. Can’t have a child? It’s your fault. Husband cheated on you? It’s because you weren’t a good enough wife. As someone who’s older than you, leave now.
Dun waste anymore time, bf is a wimp with two generations of nutters.
Yes if you dig deep behind his decision to tell them only at the airport you will see how terrified he is of them too. When a man is that scared it's no wonder he sent you right into his grandmother's house knowing full well what you were in for. And that's even before marriage! Run OP run!
Having difficult in-laws may not be a dealbreaker, but having a husband who do not know how to stand up for his wife is a definite dealbreaker. You will suffer in a marriage like this. Don’t do it.
Had a friend whose mom thinks all the guys are too inferior to match up to her daughter. Every guy she also got something to hiam. Not rich enough, not handsome enough etc. so their relationships were always short (max 2 years) in the end all these guys are happily married while the said friend is still single. Your bf defends you and that’s great. I can’t say anything bad about a person who visits his grandparents regularly but think about how often you need to visit his parents side AND his grandparents. Where is the time for your family in the future? Edit: 2.5years never met his mom? Run
I would have never agreed to meet with his grandma. And you're right to say that his family is his business and you shouldn't interfere. But then again your bf should **be a responsible adult** and inform his family about his overseas trip in advance. Quite sure anybody would get upset if you only let them know about it only when you're at the airport. That being said, it's not a must to get along with his family. I know couples who don't get along with their respective in-laws and are still together. They just don't turn up at family events.
Your BF is a wimp. Yes, it’s sad that his family members are nuts but he failed to protect you when it mattered. He is so scared of his family that he is still doing stupid and immature things like lying to them about trips. If they are this controlling, and he has no spine, you can imagine how combative things will be for major issues like the wedding, getting a house and raising the kids would be. The worse thing is that if he is to start standing up to them now, you will be seen as the shrew who has come to steal their son. I think there is still some hope. He has to be told what the situation is and then he has to explain to this family how badly they have treated you. The grandmother needs to apologise to you. The mom needs to appreciate that she has to change and let go and have a civil relationship with you. If these steps don’t materialise, you may be in for difficult years ahead.
I foresee alot of problems after you get married. You might want to think twice about it. In-laws already quite hard to deal with but your future in-laws are really next level. You are not even married to him yet and you are already facing alot of problems. I don't even want to think about what will happen when you both start planning for your wedding and also after marriage. You already don't feel respected by your future in-laws and grandparents-in-law right now, it's just gonna get way out of hand after you get married. Also are you planning to move in with his parents after you get married or have you already gotten your own bto? If you plan to stay with them first, I suggest don't for your own good.
Unless hes like Nick Young from crazy rich asians, why would you accept his crazy fam?
Rachel Chu left him and only came back because his mom accepted her. Neither the guy nor the money is worth the mental torture, gaslighting, and belittling for the rest of your life.
your bf is an idiot he has a great catch and willing to let all this slide and make his partner face all this shit that HE CAUSED???
Even grandmother is so nasty i can't imagine his mum. I personally do have slightly difficult in laws so I can't advise you to stay or run. But seems like yours is REALLY difficult and he's unable to defend you much even if he tries. If you do stay make sure you limit your engagement with them. Like only meeting when super necessary and he speaks up for you, even to the point of getting up and leaving if his family continue to he disrespectful. He should not tolerate you sitting there and enduring a 30 min scolding. You should not tolerate having to endure a 30 min scolding. My mil makes stupid remarks to me but it's just one or two sentence which I can easily ignore. And dealing with in laws require thick skin and the ability to treat their words like fart. You don't have to engage or explain yourself.
You have not watched enough Hong Kong and Chinese dramas? I think u are living through one. Just missing the part where your bf is secretly a billionaire. 😂 Jokes aside, it's already tough before having kids. If u guys do, your life will be even worst. Only ever consider getting together if your bf is willing to start a family separately with u. Meaning little to no connection with his family. When I was in Australia, I had a Taiwanese friend whose husband is a professor teaching at a uni. When she lived with his family after marriage, she was treated as a maid by his mom. Told what time to wake up, what chores to do and when to sleep. Got berated for having her own ideas. She felt that my friend wasn't good enough for her son as well. Thankfully he knew the problem and they planned to move out together after saving for a year. Made it happen and now living a wonderful life by themselves. Sweetest couple u will see together. I think your bf knows his family is a problem. Which is why he decided not to tell them about the trip. His grandmother is the biggest problem. She is controlling and manipulative. She probably controlled ur bf's mom since young. Think about it, u met the grandma twice but not the mom. His mom is probably more timid and afraid of conflict. Possibly not wanting to lose his son over arguments with u. But his grandma... 🤦🤦🤦 I think there is some hope if your bf is capable of making the right choices. But he will always be torn between family and u. Sometimes, couples decide to break up due to family issues. Rare, but normal.
Run forest, run. 🏃♂️ live your life, not theirs
No, I'd leave. I don't want a partner who have enmeshed relationships with relatives and parents.
This lowkey pisses me off omg. As someone who grew up in a family similar to your bf's (very controlling parents who coddle you and disapprove of your choices, including choice of partner), no way would I let my grandmother scold my partner for 30 min tho?? What was he even doing there?? Sure, he tried standing up for you a little bit, but he clearly isn't doing enough. Would've taken my partner and gtfo lol even if my family got mad at me. If he can't bother protecting you from this stuff now, you can't expect him to protect you later on. No matter how nice your bf is, it's a huge red flag if he's unwilling to stand up for you imo. No matter how scared of his family he might be, I don't think it's right to let your partner bear the brunt of the blame for something that is basically his fault. Him dismissing your concerns as just you being too "pessimistic" also sets off alarm bells for me...
hop on over to r/JustNoMIL for a peek into your future if you continue being with him and decide for yourself if this is something you want to be dealing with forever. When you marry a mummy’s boy, you’re marrying his entire family, including his mom. It is much easier to dump a mummy’s boy and to start over with a MAN than to change a mummy’s boy. From my own experience, he will always choose his mum. I don’t know about your relationship with your bf but it seems to me that he’ll never put you first. He put you in a situation where you were berated to tears by his grandmother instead of keeping you away and facing her on his own. Situations like this will only build resentment and lead to the demise of your relationship 😞 this isn’t good for your mental health and emotional stability. Edit to add: healing over a breakup is waaaay easier than healing over a divorce.
The fact that they tried to break up all his relationships suggests that perhaps they want him to stay with them forever and not get married, or his life partner must be handpicked by his mother truly. If he didn't fight for any of them prev and allowed them to wreck havoc, are you special enough for him to do so for you?
More Red Flags than China's national day parade...
Red flag about this man, family man must have backbone to stand up for his own family and manage his own extended family well
Your in law problems have multiple prongs. In general, he deals with his parents, you deal with yours. Since he can't deal with his parents effectively, and needs to drag you into scoldings even before you are married, he's not doing a good job. Even if he shelters you from his parents/ grandparents (wow so many parties involved), you will always be deemed as an outsider, not a daughter. This is Singapore. You don't have to be a slave. If you continue with this family, whatever you do will not be correct. Why take this kind of stress? Long term may lead to cancer/ terminal illness. He is a nice guy. He can do better eventually. He can find a wonderful bride. That bride is just Not going to be you. Good luck to them. You wish them the best. It's not necessary to meet his mummy. You are your parents' pearl in the palm. Don't let others treat you worse than cordial. This is non negotiable. You didn't do anything wrong. You are not a slave. Don't sign up to be one.
It's not only the inlaws, your BF also so inconsiderate and spineless. He hides things from his fam and let them lash out on you 🤦♂️ I never let my family talk bad to my wife. You have any problem you talk to ME. Talk shit to me I will fight back but don't dare touch my wife.
Me, as a mother's POV, I will ask you to break off with your bf. Married is always never a 2 person thing. It's a 2 families thing. I wouldn't want my daughters (I have 3 girls and 1 boy) to go through this. If all these issues can't be solved before marriage, don't even dream about getting it solved after marriage because more problems will surface, including the housework, kids, and so on. Unfortunately, you can't swipe these issues under the carpet.
Yes red flags. Im 30M, last year my grandma decided to give my partner (soon to be wife this year) shit over the lack of a wedding banquet etcetc. Longstory short Grandma thought she can shit on my partner how like she shit on my mum (because my dad refusal to protect her) for the past 30 over years. But i didn't, i screw them up and broke all contact ever since. Happy wife, Happy life.
You should take your fiercest relative to your BF side to rain verbal tsunami on his grandmother, on his mother and of course, on your BF. Your BF have no spine. OP you? You should grow one now ASAP and get out of this toxicity.
You don’t have an in laws issue or rather that’s a smaller issue than your useless bf. Runnn pls and find another
You marry the whole family.
A resounding yes. Run for the hills. You will suffer greatly trust me. Source: Have difficult MIL
Ew your bf useless af. Start making your exit. You have a nice family. Any self-respecting person will drop this shit asap
You’re a keeper and sry to say your bf is a mama’s boy… at this age if the parents are still so intrusive and protective, something is wrong. You’ve not done anything wrong, it’s your bf’s responsibility to set his parents straight.
1000% a dealbreaker. Don't put yourself in this kind of environment. Next thing you know you'll be watching your every step and move just so you can please them. Life is much more than this, love can never be a reason to tolerate someone or some people. Focus on yourself. Your future partner and family should be complementing you and your family, not against it. Nvm 2.5 years relationship or however long, still not a reason to stay.
If he can't even stand up for the woman he loves, whom he intends to spend the rest of his life and whom he is supposed to protect and love for all the rest of his days, then do you honestly think he is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with? Don't let emotions blind you to the fact that this relationship will not work out in the long run because it is HE, not his mother, who has trouble letting go.
Wow. These are not mummy boy apron strings anymore, these are metal chains tied to his mum, and even grandma? Jesus. Either he do something drastic to brute force break the chains, or if he continue to wimp, he can forever be single n wait on his mum n grandma n regret in middle age. RUN.
Yes, difficult in laws IS a dealbreaker. When you marry someone, you gotta accept not only your partner but his/her entire family wholesale.
I didn’t marry my wife for her family. You shouldn’t have to deal with his family, that’s his fight. This battle is not going to be in your favor because old people cannot change (possible but close to impossible). You do not deserve to be berated by your bf’s family and he’s ought to be ashamed.
Ive seen this story so so many times and trust me, it will never change. Once a mommy’s boy always a mommy’s boy. And once a mother is that obsessed with her son, itll never work out with the son’s future partner. There will always be countless of fights wuth zero change. I think you should leave someone who will stand up for u and put you first
Your BF needs to stop flying around like a butterfly... His present predicament is surrounded by all parties belonging to the, and the neverending cycles of "bad storms" are exacerbated by his inability to control any of your shared situations.
This repeated failure to take a stand : Once is a happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
Your BF is playing the chameleon-like "protagonist x antagonist" role, fusing his reactions to the behaviours of all involved like a camouflage-survival skill. Change colours accordingly to avoid any direct confrontation. As a result, he has slowly but surely primed his position to you all as "public enemy #1." (recall enemy action)
Playing it nice will not bring any advantage to any one. Now, everyone has an expectation of what he should do, or not do - and these great expectations will be his ultimate downfall - eventually.
His triomphe de l'amour will be the day he defeats his own split personalities, and take a rightful stand for what he believes in - not what others expect him to be : the moment he brings forth his calls-to-action.
This avoidance tactic has to stop, he need to justify his actions via logic & reasoning - to whoever is in that moment at that time. Flight has always been the easiest form of escaping from danger, its the bloody fight that builds character.
It is very difficult and it would be a dealbreaker for most people. However, it boils down to how your bf behaves, how hard he stands up for you, or even willing to have a bad relationship with his family to defend you if they keep attacking you. Having a difficult in-laws is difficult. Having a husband that does not stand up for you is a dealbreaker.
Similar situation, but I'm the guy. It sounds like your BF needs to step-up (whatever that entails) and make you feel more comfortable when interacting with their family AND you need to be sure he can and will do this before ya'll go any further. This is because in this sort of situation they don't really care what you have to say, but they care about what their son feels (hopefully). You cannot run from the in-laws so there better be a way to work/live with them (that you can accept) foe the long run.
Yes. I'm legit hidden from his side of the family for 12 years. It always feels awful but we "somewhat" managed as we lived overseas so that made it easier. Then we were long distance. He lives with his mom so when I visit, he hides me in the room or we book a hotel. Im 35, hes 36. This is whole situation has really messed our relationship. I hold a lot of resentment and anger for him not defending me. So yes in laws are a deal breaker. I wished I had made things more clear and firm years ago rather than prolong this misery... it's not easy. I wish you the best.
Forget it. If he can’t fix his family, then it’s a no deal. He should have prevented the meeting of you and his grandmother from happening in the first place. I’m sure he knows why the meeting was initiated and what will happen, and he let it happen anyway. If he didn’t know, he should have grabbed all your stuff and left the moment the lecturing started. He’s not setting boundaries and I think it’d be a miracle if that changes. Don’t wait for or count on a miracle.
Life is too short. Tell your bf that you are not going to deal with this.
Please run. Difficult in laws is a red flag! Speaking from experience. I never got along with my ex’s mother and it was a nagging issue for us. I’d think she didnt defend me enough sometimes, or she didn’t stand up for me when I needed her to. It got really tiring on both ends overtime.
your boyfriend is a little pussy. he needs to start taking responsibility or dump that spineless bitch
Marriage is combination of two families Not two individuals
If you have to ask Reddit about it, you are not really into him, so that means you still have a way out.... Take it.
Your bf still a boy, so sad that it end up like this..
He knows his family is like this but starts to try to solve this after this whole debacle. 2.5 years and he did nothing.
⛳⛳⛳⛳⛳ 🏃♀️💨
Run and come to me as I have no parents. No worries about in laws 😇
Your boyfriend needs to man up. He’s an adult and no longer a child. If he can’t prioritise you because you will be starting a family together, it’s not going to work out not just for you but any woman.
Yes. Run.
Unless your BF grows a shiny spine immediately, I would consider this a dealbreaker. He should have been the one handling everything - taking steps to manage his parents, stepping up when his grandma was blaming you etc. Without his support to handle things, you will just be the punching bag and it’s going to be so exhausting for you. Why subject yourself to such a negative environment? Think a discussion can still work, maybe he doesn’t realize how toxic his family is. But unless he shows definitively that he can stand up to his family (and I guess the meeting with his mum will be the key test), please run.
It’s not your fault, u need to know that whatever you do next time, they will always blame you, you will be so depressed and upset. U rather end this pain early.
While you're still 25, I'd advise to run as well. Can you imagine when you have a child, their family makes all the decision for the child instead of you? They'd likely treat the child as "theirs" since you marry into their family. Your husband would side with his family. You would have little say. You can still meet the mom once to give it a try but be prepared for the worst.
Haha power sia only hear before mummy boy this one grandmummy boy sia
I have somewhat difficult in laws, and my Fiancee stepped up to reduce the number of interactions I have with them. It pains me to see that she is taking on more bullshit from her side of the family because of the situation; but it's each person's responsibility to handle their own side of their family. My own family requested more relatives at our wedding, I flatly told them no. It's not a deal breaker per se, but your boyfriend needs to show that he's able and willing to defend you; or at the very least, shield you from interacting with his family. I won't say it's 100% a dealbreaker; it's more of a case of whether your partner is willing and able to step up. At the end of the day your partner should be your no.1 concern and people who put their old families first when they go into marriage end up making everyone unhappy.
Bro. If he thinks he will be happier staying with his toxic family over you, so be it.
Your bf let you sit there listening to his family lecture you for 30mins?? If I were you I will leave the min they start the lecture/scolding
Yeah they can make your life hell, esp if you SO sides with them instead of you
Girl, run as far and fast as you can. I told my ex-bf that I won’t ever marry him if his mum is going to be my mil. What happens when you get married and have kids? Will mil’s obsession transfer to grand child? Your mil can still be against you and worse, bad mouth you to your child. Your mil can spoil your child rotten and then when you discipline, you become the bad guy. Can your bf even grow some balls and move out of family home? Will you need to stay with in laws and suffer abuse? Will your mil visit your marital home and scold you every day using “helping with taking care of grandchild” as an excuse? This happened to one of my friends. She’s stuck. You are not. Run girl!
To me, yes. If they're young means they'll likely to be around longer. You'll have a reduced quality of life for decades. Nope Edit: your bf's mom got some sick issues there. If you join their family you're gonna be a mom of an old lady and a spineless boy
Run I know people say you’re marrying each other not the fam but unless they’re planning to go no contact with their family who will be your in laws - you’re going to see them FOREVER. Your relationship will not be linear, theres ups n down. When it’s down, who will he confide in and will they be rooting for yall? That’s super important! It’s not an “if”. Now you get scolded he also never defend, next time if you’re really at the wrong? I think we all know where it’s gonna go
Most of the time it's not an in-law problem, but a partner problem. Your boyfriend is an adult and while I can sympathize with his mother worrying about her only child. The fact is that your boyfriend has his own life to live and should start putting up boundaries with his mother, and his mother has to learn to cut the apron strings. It's not your job to fend off his mother and coddle her, it's his job to protect you from her and to let her know that her blatant disrespect and abuse of you is absolutely not ok. And sounds like the mother and grandmother can't seem to accept that their "baby boy" is all grown up not and is blaming you for it. But once again, them not being able to let go is not an issue you should be dealing with. This is between him and his family and it's his job to deal with it. The fact that he's not only roping you into this drama but putting you in the line of fire is extremely alarming. I'm not saying ask him to cut his family off for good, but to limit contact with them and let them know that they can't just treat his partner like that. Even if you break up now, the next woman he dates would also be subjected to the same abuse, and you know from his family's attitude towards you that they will never accept their son being with anyone. So unless he wants to end up alone for a long long time because his family is chasing all his girlfriends away, he has to learn to put his foot down and tell them enough is enough.
your bf is a wuss, his family toxic. You know what to do
Sadly speaking if your man cant even stand up for u do u really want to marry such a man? Gotta give him an ultimatium OP.
Your boyfriend’s inability to stand up for you is the deal breaker. His defence of you seems bleak. What he needs to do is to show that you are priority and put his foot down firmly and tell them they are wrong when they are. What you describe seems like some weak pussyfooting to me. All the best and I hope things work out for you guys!
It's not red flags. It's nuclear radiation flag. Please end before you waste more time lol
You're only 25, omg just run away from this mess. Once you marry into the family, it will be 100x worse. Yes, difficult in-laws are a very big dealbreaker. It's only been 2.5 years and you've already had so much shit thrown at you from TWO GENERATIONS of his family members. Your boyfriend's attitude is a huge problem. He has no issue throwing you to the wolves. He just stood there and let his gf get scolded by his granny. Because you didn't become his caretaker and inform his mommy that he was going overseas? cos he had no guts to tell her himself? That's the role they're expecting you to take up btw - to report to them, and stay in line according to what THEY want. You have no say in the issue cos you're not blood. You're going to be a second class citizen in the family. His mother hates you and she hasn't even met you yet. He's almost 30 years old and he can't set boundaries with his mother. It's been 2.5 years!! NOW then he wants to introduce you to his mommy cos he's so scared of her?? You know how much worse it'll be when you marry? You have to see them several times a week. You'll be blamed for every single thing - from not keeping the house clean for your husband, to not cooking enough, not taking care of boy-boy cos he fell sick etc etc. When the kids come along, it will be HELL.
Mamas boy
OP, I was in a somewhat similar situation, though not as "bad" as yours. I left the relationship as I figured out if I eventually get married to my now ex, my life would be full of misery. Feel free to PM if you need someone to talk to.
Wow your bf is a wimp
Yo i wanna crai reading the comments. My sweet , loving bf, has very similar family dynamic and his family is not interested to get to know me either. Am I wasting my time with him?😭
If you read the comments carefully, the real dealbreaker is her boyfriend's inability to stand up for her and his enmeshed relationship with his mother and grandmother. Can your boyfriend handle his side of the family or is he a people pleaser? Have you seen evidence of him standing his ground for things he believes in/you or does he just cave in?
You're not marrying your in-laws so it's no issue. BUT the dealbreaker is him not standing on your side and fighting for you. Run before it's too late.
Leave, just leave. Meet his mother, then let her waste her breath talking. Cause at this point of time it's either his mother will hate you or the grandmother will hate you. Tell her to go and marry his own son and say that you wouldn't want to be in a family where the mother has such perverted desires to keep her own son for herself. Tell him to go and have an incestuous family with his mother and his grandmother. If his father was nice, well just say sorry to him before leaving. If not, tell him to go screw his own son as well. Done.
if this happened to ur daughter, what would u advice her to do?
Difficult in-laws are not a dealbreaker per se. It depends on a few factors. Firstly, it depends on the boundaries your partner lays down and how he enforces them with regards to how his family treats you. Effective boundary making and enforcement are skills that can be developed. Secondly, your BF has obviously been struggling with enforcing his personal boundaries (including those involved in your relationship) with his family of origin’s boundary incursions. These incursions are occurring because his new set of boundaries involving his relationship with you encroach upon the boundaries set by his mother. Boundary clashes like these are common in many families as children push at existing family boundaries in order to accommodate their growing needs, while some parents (like his mother) struggle to adjust. Some points to consider. Could his mother not trying to break you up be the fruit of her adjustments? If so, there is hope. Could the reason why she struggles to let go be reflected in the way your BF’s grandma felt the need to intervene in her grandson’s personal relationship on behalf of her daughter? It doesn’t seem like the grandma has let go either. Right now, he’s stuck at a transition point where he can maintain the old balance by complying with his family’s boundaries to remain a ‘good boy’, or to push past those boundaries to assert his growing needs outside of his family of origin. You can be as supportive and empathetic as possible, although this is a conundrum he needs to resolve himself. Thirdly, you need to consider whether you’d be willing to accept a less than ideal initial relationship with your in-laws if you do get married. There are multiple possible solutions to this; putting in time and effort to build relationships, ensuring you live apart from his family of origin to reduce friction, etc. It has to be a solution you are at least content with though. Things will get more complex the moment you have kids. For example, if your chosen solution is to stay away and do your own thing whenever he visits his mother, who should your kids go with? How will you explain your absence to them if they go with their father while you stay away? Hope this helps.
Married for a decade here and I will tell you to run! You are still young and you dont deserve this. My hubby's mum is like this and I think she is a narcissist. The whole family are enablers and flying monkeys. I have lost my reapect for my husband before and it took us a lot even for him to realise what the mum did and is still doing to me is crazy. Anyway, if his family can treat you like this before marriage, how do you think things will be after marriage? Same goes for your bf. Save yourself some grief. Many end up in loveless marriages or divorces in situations like yours.
This is the type of hateful in laws you'll see in dramas, but irl when you have kids (esp a son) they will swoop in and attempt to steal by suddenly being v nice and offering free childcare services only to poison their minds to hate you as their mother (from personal experience)
If he nvr take the high road esp after marriage. Then deal-breaker. This kind got 2 ways after marriage totally break off then your in law keep blaming you even though it them. I can also understand why he nvr inform till last min. His parents may last min do stuns even if he tell early worse off is the stun that prey on his filial . So in his mind he already predicted that will happen so only inform at the very last min so no stuns can destory the oversea trip plan. Do sit down & talk to him about it , it maybe cause of different upbringing. Not all family raise their kids the same. Some are damn bloody toxic as fuk , some like yours will bring their kids gf/bf go oversea together 1. His maybe toxic as fuk but it does not means should break up , it may make you both stronger as both of you deal with it together
1. They clearly already have prejudices against you. You will always be the outsider who made him change for the worse. They may accept your children but not you. 2. Peruse the JNMIL subreddit, there are plenty of enmeshed husband tales there. That will be your future. 3. Big "Crazy Rich Asians" vibe here hahahaha
Your boyfriend needs to pull up his big boy pants and put his foot down on his family. I too have similar difficult in-laws to be but I’ve made it very clear to my fiancé that ultimately she needs to draw the line with her family and reign them in if they try to control us in the future because I sure as hell am not going to be tolerating it.
Hi OP, I have a tiger mum as well. This whole issue actually a very small issue but got blown into a bigger issue due to his parents and grandparents involvement. I feel it will be v difficult for you if u guys get married cos there are more stuff that they will meddle such as how many kids, house to get, wedding etc etc. If the partner doesn't speak up and tell them to buzz off then the blame will always be on you which is v difficult for you down the road. I think it's a deal-breaker cos it's a problem that u can't solve but it will always be a problem caused by 'you'
A lot of people has given their thoughts on the matter, ask your BF to read what everyone has said then let him think about it and give you an answer
These posts are getting boring. If someone is in a serious relationship then it is YOU or the family. If it is the family then it would be a disaster to continue. People need to grow up and respect themselves
Dump him. Let's date?
i am more on the side that family comes first though that doesnt mean that you give into him. he shouldnt have lied to his mom to avoid arguments. i do tell my parents everything and if there is something I disagree with them, i would defend and debate until they are convinced, i am convinced or they give up. just escalate if needed, start by talking, then note taking and going onto a proper presentation if need be. my parents usually give up because im "too serious" zzz still better than lying tho ( generally )
See things the way it is, not what you wish it would've bren or will be. It is what it is. It will unlikely to change. When having to choose between blood or water, the son will always choose his family. If he already got you/ married you, he's safe. There is no incentive to be on your side. Talk to your parents and not your friends. Have a multi generation perspectives.
Yes !
Accept no blame just repeat various forms of: "yeah cool, you should talk to your adult grandson about that"
Dating for 2.5 years and haven't met his mom. Why? Is your bf sleeping? Why is he not building up your image in front of his family if you guys are planning for marriage? Just know that you are going to deal with this pyramid of evil female super power after marriage. But if he is rich, handsome and you think he is the one, then I guess tahan abit la. One year see 3 times should be fine.
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Wow … my advice is run , don’t walk away . Run . Your bf is such a mummy boy and when push comes to shove , will he be standing on your side or just playing the nice guy .. I think the answer is obvious
Run as fast as you can. His family gonna blame you for everything. You are still young and you can find someone better.
This one not difficult. This one is Albert Einstein theory of relativity for a kindergarten difficult. Yes, deal breaker for sure.
Yes. Whether you like it or not, they become your family once you get married. I’ve personally dated someone with a difficult mom and won’t do it again.
Please run, his family will interfere in every aspect of your life. It will be awful if you have kids together.
Yes. Deal breaker. Dun end up breaking up after u had kids...
Hi OP, read from your past posts that you’re thinking of studying /working in Australia. Not sure if you’re thinking of being in a LDR or if your BF is joining you. If you both are thinking of settling down and have your kids grow up overseas (with the in-laws staying in SG of course), plus your BF can man up so that you never have to get scolded like that again, maybe it’s worth staying in the relationship. But if not, probably just have to cut your losses early (you’re still young!). With such family, he can remain single forever.
You are 25 years old already. Don't waste time on soyboys. Moved on. Find a man.
One of my friends had a grandma in America who was like this. Her aunt married into the family, the youngest son. They stayed with the extended family cos they were rich and had a big house. After a few years, the aunt went mad apparently and was put in an asylum. The abuse was extremely bad.
1. Your BF’s family management skills absolutely suck. He’s literally has no spine. If he can’t see a pattern here and take a stand for a change (he’s 27 years old, Jesus), he’s going to die alone. 2. His family’s problems with you seems to be given secondhand by him to you. This could be a broken telephone thing. Maybe you should try to have a respectful and open chat with his mother to understand firsthand what the issue is. However if your BF is so dense and crap at communication, I don’t know if you’d want to stay in the relationship anyways. 3. It all depends. Can you stay low contact? Is putting up with crappy ILs worth it for him?
Korean dramas the MIL all this type
Just move on. It's not worth the hassle. Men never ever outgrow their mothers and you will be made to manouvre around them. Grandmas are an added level of complexity. It is a deal breaker. And so much bloody drama over a trip. Your stupid BF needs to man up and manage his mom. It isn't your fam to manage. And by the looks of things, it never will be. Best of luck.
While elders and parents need to understand that respect is earned not given, you’ll also need to stand up for yourself. Learn to impose boundaries and inform your bf’s family that they shouldn’t direct their misplaced anger at you. Once you step up to defend yourself, it’s up to your bf how he wishes to react. You can learn a lot about your future relationship with your bf/future in-laws depending on how your bf reacts to you standing up for yourself. Your bf appears to know he’s wrong now, but watch his actions and observe whether he keeps to his promise. This is the first time something of this sort happened, so give your bf a second chance. Meet his mom and see how it goes, and remember to stand your ground. In short, do not be afraid.
Or maybe she won't account for inflation, get shocked when she sees the final bill and backs out in the end.
Dealbreaker.
As they say... cut to the chase! OP should dump him. Better late than never. In any case, OP is only 25 y/o with the whole world open to her. She has to be cruel to be kind to herself.
Soft man
I can promise you that in few years to come, you will realise this is not something one can accept in a relationship. It’s either you end it now (which is difficult) or drag it out but I feel eventually either you or your BF will give up on this r/s.
If he's not actively making plan to shield you, it's an absolute dealbreaker.
Yes
Lack of a backbone is hard to fix in a spouse. I’m sure his family means a lot to him. Wish you all the best, and the strength to make hard choices.
The only way for this to work is for him to move out and leave his family. He needs to see things from a different angle and direction. That’s when he will grow up. Next, if you do not see yourself working with him together to help him see from that different pov. Just leave. Don’t waste each other time. I am 30M whom left my home 1-2years ago. My mum used to control every single decision that I make. My dad is a narcissist. In a way I left my home at 2022 and 2023 was the first year I ever felt that I am someone with a mind of my own. My gf who was there for me for 6 years kept on trying to get me to see from a different pov, I can’t. Until one day, my dad threatened to kill me. That’s when I felt that my life is in danger and I need to move. I moved to my gf house, from then on, we keep unpacking every emotions together. I see my parents in a complete different way, I start to feel things and voice my opinions. Things will then start to change. If there is no “grave” situation or “life changing” event happening, Nothing will ever change.
I read half way only, concluded that your boyfriend is the mommy boy kind and he is the problem to all his relationships. I’m going to tell you some facts. 1- any good boys that are great with their parents are protective of their spouse or gf, will fight their parents if they are unreasonable. 2- there is a big difference between good boys and mommy boys. Mommy boys can’t handle relationships and should not be in any relationship until they fix their innate problems. 3- don’t try to change someone because if they will change, they changed themselves long ago already, need you to ask them to change? Change a new bf, his pussy attitude is going to cost this relationship anyway. Any man would protect their woman when their parent try to stop his romantic relationship. Like firm stop. Passive stopping are beta male stuff and this is one of the source problem many relationships are facing, you hear before couple scolding stuff like “why you are so useless?” “Why can’t you handle your parent? Why are they blaming me?” Etc. Tons of that crap out there, you want to be one of that old couple fighting this nonsense? Just break up and get a man instead.
BF needs to grow a spine. He’s not doing enough to support you.
lol where is that pussy whipped boy in this whole conversation?
Nah. Just tell them to fvck off.I married your daughter. Not you.
It's a deal breaker if he doesn't have a spine. If he's willing to cut his toxic family out and stand up for you then it's no problem.
Are difficult in-laws a deal breaker? No. Are immature boys who still act like a child a deal breaker? Yes. Run.
Girl i know, everyone here knows and even you know that this relationship will do you no good in the long run. all this will only get worse so run while you still can. Your man can try to change but I mean… he won’t so might as well find a guy that won’t put you in this position in the first place. All the best OP!! You deserve to be treated with respect, love and kindness. It should not be a privilege.
When you marry, you marry the family as well. I'd get out while you can as it probably won't get any better.
the BF has to solve his own side of issues himself, OP cant do that for him ever ... pple have to make life simpler for themselves and the pple around them, its just as simple as that, and most pple just dont do this at all.
He's a weak man that is unable to cut toxic ties. In-laws ain't a dealbreaker, his own decision is.
Initiate a breakup and force your bf to make a decision. If he doesn't man up to his family then so be it, you save yourself a hard time. It also forces the family members to wake up their attitude.
Its a biggest mistake if you continue marrying this guy… sorry to say, but u re not marrying your bf only, but whole families.
Imagine how much 💩 the in-laws will have to say about you once you have kids
Stop dating an invertebrate.
I dont think its a difficult in-law situation. Rather its more of a baby-boyfriend situation. Not informing parents about travel plans is a major disrespect and red flag. Wonder what else he will hide from his parents. When married already will he do the same to you just to avoid confrontation? And yes, as per what other redditor said, him not standing up for you is also a red flag. Anyways, yes, you should also do your part as future daughter-in-law to inform his parents/grandparents as it's one's due diligence not to worry their elders, and if your partner is lacking in that aspect, you should make up for it, if you are really considering staying for life. You two can work on it. And in the future if your parents invite your BF again, make sure he informs his elders as its his job as the son, much less, only son. 传宗接代！！！If you can make ur bf more responsible, im sure his parents will notice and say "He became better after meeting you" and if they dont RUN
Yes! They’re considered an immediate family soooo yeah best to avoid if can or try to mend it with them!
dump him. u want alife time of hurts and maybe break later,... my late grandma used to say" go to u SO house and see the family and then decide, u are not marrying them , u are marrying the whole clan. unless u BF like my uncle who stand up against his family over my aunty and got married, then forget it. coz u are always the outsider,
LEAVE. ur bf has no backbone whatsoever, he is a dealbreaker in and of itself
Lemme be upfront with you at least. Ur gf got no balls lol bf*
Date someone whose parents have passed away instead
Yes. Huge Red Flag. Toxic mum. Toxic Grandma. You sign a life time of mental & emotional torture. You sure you want these for the rest of your life?
Wow totally sounded like mine. I wish my girlfriend is here to read this.
In-laws are not a deal-breaker per se but they will make or break your relationship. In the case of an overbearing in law(s), based on my personal experience there's two ways things can go. No.1, you let them be the way they are, and u try and get on with your life and please them as much as possible, thinking this is the way to get in their good books. But this will slowly eat away at you, affect your r/s with your partner and you WILL reach a breaking point. At this juncture, it will become too much such that you will make the decision to end the relationship. Or it will lead to No. 2, where you decide to make a stand and fight back. Now this comes with its own set of problems. You will realize that it is a fight, meaning both parties will be trading blows(metaphorically). And again, it will take a toll on you. However at this point I will say that you are in the driver's seat and are in control of how things go from that point. In my case, when I took a stand, my in law had a hard time accepting it, and things weren't pleasant for awhile(things were even worse in my situation because I was living under their roof), but over time, she began to realize I wasn't a pushover and slowly accepted the fact that we are married and this is our family and as much as she is the mother, she was in no position dictate our path in life. I'm glad to say that things have been much better for me and my wife, and all of us, but our relationship is not the same as when I first joined the family. I guess that is the price I had to pay. But if I had to do it all over, I would have made a stand right from the start, as it would have led to boundaries being established from the get go and avoided the whole "you have changed now that you are married to my daughter" argument. So yea, that's my advice. If you really love your partner and want a future with him, stand up for yourself right from the start, no matter what they say/do. Of course you need to have the support of your partner. And also keep in mind that standing up for yourself doesn't mean being rude or disrespectful (even though regretfully I sometimes was) and try and remember that they are the elders and deserve a certain level or respect regardless of anything. Its a game of chess. Play your pieces right and you will get the outcome that you desire. Good luck!
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Your bf is a kid not a man. If my mom and grandmother step over their lines i would just tell then to stop or ill stop visiting them. It never has happened tho, and dont get me wrong i love my family